Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - This Old House w/ Chris Distefano!

Episode Date: April 30, 2026

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Chris Distefano! You know Chris Distefano from Stand Up Comedy, History Hyenas podcast, Chrissy Chaos, Hey Babe!, The Joe Rogan Experience, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, 2 Bears 1 Cave, This Past Weekend, The Tim Dillon Show, We Might Be Drunk, Bad Friends, Whisky Ginger, Story Warz, Stavvy's World, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Guy Code and so much more! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Aura Frames: Exclusive $25-off Carver Mat at https://on.auraframes.com/GARBAGE. Promo Code: GARBAGE Ultra: Don’t sleep on @ultrapouches. New customers get 15% Off with code GARBAGE at https://takeultra.com! Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Gang, that back on the block tour just keeps her rolling on. Grab your tickets, grab the squad. Come on out. See the boys. Yeah, this May we got Los Angeles. Then we're doing the comedy seller in New York City, a little AYG and Friends Show, Portland, Maine. Those tickets are going fast.

We got two shows in Pittsburgh, then Cleveland, Ohio, Atlantic City, New Jersey, this summer, the boys are going down ashore. And then Comedy Works in Denver, get those tickets. Come to a live show. We love you. Love you. Hey, everybody out there. And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast.

This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians, and we find that it's a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host, Tach, totally coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Toadie's in a new edition.

She's upstairs with her TRT and peptides. She's getting jack. She's got chest hair coming in. Got that V coming back. Beat me in arm wrestling yesterday. Mike Coves is coming out of you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage. He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world.

Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. Hey, what's up, gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you read, you, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, too,

and the boys are climbing the hog on the charts. We're in the charts. We're on the charts. Do a top of the pops next week. Oh, baby. And then obviously the greatest website of all time. You're garbage. You go over there.

You get all that bonus content. That's right, Kippie. We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly. And I mean, incredibly special guests back with us again today. a family member here in Antutti. Sure. Just a kid from the other side of town. Give it up for Chris DeStefano, everybody.

What's up, everybody? The one, the only. How you doing, my friends? Chrissy, look at this. Coming in, everybody's shooting up. Everybody's shooting up. You guys are on Mujaro. I'm on the Redder Truth Tide.

Everybody's got needles. You're like fucking Belka Labs in here. Dude, what I'm going to start to do is... What are you on Kep 11? You on Kep 11? Yeah, I'm on BPC-157 TB-500. I'm on Matsi. I'm on Slank.

I'm on Red of Truth Tide. A little DIC thing. Yeah, it's what it is. You like that guy that sold Mickey Rourke all the steroids in the wrestler. That's what I'm trying to look like. Mickey Rourke. I want to look like somebody's jacked ant. He won the Academy Award for that movie.

He did. It's supposed to be Nicholas Cage, they said. I haven't seen you in a while, Hank. And I was a... You were ripping a heater out there. And I said, well, you look great, what you do. And then you turned to the side. I said, growing the hair out.

Yeah, he went to it. It was a... Growing the hair out. Yeah. It was a real like Aunt Diane response. Can we do a thing? Can we set a goal where you get down to 150 down? 150 pounds?

Down. Oh, okay. 150. No, yeah, yeah. I know. Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. No, 150 down, 150. Off the starting weight.

Uh-huh. We cut the hair. Okay. What do we think of that? I pay for, I'm talking about. You don't take me to a nice joint? No, what I'm going to do, I got a great bar. Robert, they're going to come here.

Gay guy, clip you up nice. It's like Edward Scissorhands. I like that. And he comes and clips you up and we get to the number 1-50 down. I like that. Right now I'm at 85. So we got 70-something-something-ish more to go, 65 more to go. And then we cut the hair.

What do you think? I'm down. I think maybe we'd do it before that. Right? Here's the thing. I grew it out for tires because the guy has a ponytail. And now I kind of like it. It does look good.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm kind of in a, you know, I'm kind of a, you know, transitional spot in my life. And I'm letting the hair grow a little bit. So it feels right. You're letting it go. You're letting the hair go.

You're letting the weight go. Good, man. Letting the past go, baby. Letting the pain go. New book by H. Foley. More of a pamphlet. Right. And Kippie looks good too.

But the big man, the big man's outshining. Well, Kippy was really the inspiration for this. Kippie really got down there. Right. He was chunky. He was chunky. Chunky monkey. I got big.

I got real big. My fucking, my head gets bigger and this part stays the same. He likes the gummy bears, Chrissy. Yeah. And you know what it was? Now you look good. You weren't storing the fat.

Right. Now. You weren't stored. You're not. Some people are good at storing the fat. I'm not. Actually, Hank looked okay fatter because he stored it.

You didn't look good fat. You look good like this. I can store it. Because you don't have a fat. You don't have fat features. You know what I mean? I don't know. You don't.

And your ass blows out a little bit like a pear. And your face gets real. I'm good. You guys put a lot of thought in this. Did you guys have a fucking production meeting today? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we used to call you Whole Foods when we walked in. But no, Kibbe really got down there.

It looks great. And he did it quick. So then I started on the Zepound and laid off the booze for a little while. Nice. It's the booze, man. I can tell on a, we go on like a four or five day run out there on the road. We're doing the meet and greets. I can see it first night because I'm like, oh, I'm looking.

I'm tight. Night three, night four. I'm having a couple of these fantastic. He likes alcohol beverages. Dude, my head. I think I'm allergic to beer. Dude, I get so swollen. Don't say that.

What are you talking about? Not garage beer. No, obviously not. I think you might be. I haven't had a sip of booze in about four months. No kidding. Yeah, I've been, I have, if I am going to go out and party a little bit, I'll have a, a, a, a, a, THC, CBD, shelter.

Who are you? Wow. Because you know what it was? Me and my lady, we were just like, it wasn't any of, like, it wasn't this thing about, like, you know, this come to. We both were just like, we don't like the way we feel. We have little kids. Every single time we drink.

The little kids suffer. So we were like, there's just also, we, you know, we got a teenage, you know, stepson, her son. He's looking at us. See a teenager now? He's 15 years old. Holy shit. We're having a couple of pops in the house drinking wine. And it's like, you know, subconsciously, then they start to see it.

That's how I learned. So it's no judgment on people who do want to drink. It just wasn't for us. I, you know, and it's a nice place. I'm 41 and I find, I used to, I still was suffering from peer pressure. Like at the Met, we went to the Mets game recently with my friends from home and they were all making fun of me, not drinking. And I would have caved to that last year. But now it's like, I just don't care. Now, I'm finally at a place in my life where I just really don't care about what anybody else

thinks of me, but in a positive way. Doesn't mean I'm going to go out and be a scumbag to someone, but I'm just not taking in, I'm just not taking in everyone's opinions anymore. I'm like, what life do I want to live? What life do I want to live? What's best for me and my family? And then I'll do that with also but not screwing anybody over you know what I mean but I can't tell you how many years in my life I was living somebody else's life whoa that didn't even really man oh man I didn't even do that I didn't even mean to do that the gospel according to christ what it is baby I got Jesus Christ in my life big are you going to church are you going to church? No you're not back to church baby back to Jesus are you guys going to mass up there well she doesn't really want to go but I go and if I used to

try to force the kids to go but now I kind of make everything You know, you want to come, come. I'm going to put pressure. But I'm going. You're going by yourself. I'm going. Sunday's 10 a.m. Wow.

Can I ask you, do you take communion then leave? I take what, no. That's a real dirtbag church thing that I did all growing up. My dad would go. Dirt bag Catholic move. You want to know what's bad. My dad wouldn't even take it. He had like the guilt of like, I've done some stuff I can't take it.

I know. My mother's like, I would take it. And then he would have the car waiting out front and I'd walk out and hop in the car. My mother's same way. She would say, you know, glad I'm going back to church. but she was like, have you wanted to confession? Because if you haven't wanted a confession, then you can't take the communion.

And so I spoke to a priest about that. And he said, that's old world thinking. That's fine. You can take the eat Jesus's body all day. But you don't like a confession? I've been a confession like three or four times in the last like a few months. Really? A couple of days.

It ain't working. I like going. Do you know the act of contrition? You haven't memorized? Of course. Oh, my God. I'm sorry for my sins. And choosing the sin and feeling to do good of sins against you in your church.

I friend me and tam with your son and help with your son and make a romance. sins and love as I should. Bang, I'm clean. That's what it is. Get me a bag. Now let's try the act of nutrition. Hey, boom. We're not preaching religion over here.

No, no, no, that's what we are. You just did a fucking 45 second prayer. What are you talking about? I want to be clear. This guy's about to pass out the Ukraine. We're not preaching religion in any way, shape, or form. You do what you want. You do what you want.

If not Catholic, you're going to burn in hell. No big deal. I'm just saying, you know, Mom Donnie's the mayor. If we got a crusades coming, I'm happy on the Christian side, is what I'm saying. He's a nice. We got the numbers, and we got Jesus. I think Jesus wins in the Great War all day. He's ripped.

He can take some pain. He's on a Mujaro, it looks like. I mean, yeah, dude. He's got that V cut heavy. Chris is giving Jesus peptides. I guarantee you Jesus took peptides. Why don't hell not? But we feel good.

We're back out there, back in action. That's good. And yeah, living life, moved again. You got, yeah, you moved again, which it seems every time we have you, you just moved, or you're about to move. I know. Or you listed a house or you're checking out of house or something. Can't keep you down Yeah, take me back

You were in a You got rid of the house And you went Staten Island So what we did The whole thing End to like Ridgewood again Here's what happened You ready for this

Through years of therapy We figured out what's What's caused this Chain reaction All right Here's what happened So So we

You're a piece of work We bought We get the house In Staten Island You guys came to Right Right Yeah beautiful

Beautiful house I knew you I knew you were kind of doom Because you like Filled in the pool Or made You redid the pool Right away

Went crazy on the pool. Shout up for Wooddale Avenue, Staten Island, live there. I sold it to a Palestinian family, and let's just say the neighborhood was not happy with me. Although he's a very nice guy and a really good person gave me all cash, so it couldn't say no. But as I was leaving that block, we got a few parting texts. What the hell are you doing? I thought we said never forget. Money's flying out of the bag of the bag of the guy.

All cash? Yeah, dude. I drove away with a bag of cash dresses as chic. I said, I'm got the hell out of it. All my way to Radia. Hey, how are you doing? Rock to Caswell. Yeah, I went last year.

I'll go again. So, and I need to go again because of Pella windows. I'll tell you about it in a second. They got you. They clip me. So. You stink. So what happened?

What happened is, you know, we're sitting there. This is about 20, 23, you know, and I'm nervous, right? Anxiety. I'm the house. We got a move. I got, you know, Staten Island. What are we doing out here? I need to be in the city.

I need to be in the action. So we sell, right? It's just like, you want to be in stand? Like, you want to be in like, what action? That, well, did you even identify it in your head? Well, yes, here. No, the thing was, I was putting, I was putting all this energy into, it must be the house that's making me feel this way. So what do we do?

So we go, we have a lot of friends in Forest Hills, Queens, great area. You know, born and raised in Queens. You know, jazz like Queens a lot. So we say, you know what? We had a five-bedroom house in Staten Island, beautiful. No, no problems. I mean, kids loved it. Beautiful house.

School was great. I mean, you know, so we sell the house and we move into a two-bedroom apartment in Forest Hills, Queens because I wanted to get, with the money that we got from the house, from the Palestinian money, I wanted to get a like a triplex apartment in Forest Hills. We're going to have to buy it, do construction. It's going to be a whole year process. I said, let's do it. So we're in contract for it.

We're staying in this two-bedroom apartment. All of a sudden, the one thing, Jasmine, first of all is upset with me. She's like, we moved from a five-beddie house to a two-bedroom apartment. What the hell of what the hell are we home? How are you doing? You got three kids. Me and Jazz were sleeping on a pullout couch in this living room. The kids were sleeping in their bedrooms.

It was a crazy, crazy thing I did, right? So there's the number one thing Jasmine hates. The only thing that traumatic, you grew up in the hood, survived a lot, roaches, right? All of a sudden, we're about a weekend to living in this apartment. Roaches on the wall. Beautiful apartment. Roaches everywhere. She flips out.

Chris, get me out of this apartment. You sold our beautiful house. Now I'm in a roach infested apartment. Just a month ago, we had everything we wanted. Now, because of your big, dumb idea, we're here. You're taking heat. Taking heat. So then I'm like, okay, I'm going to look.

I'm going to rent us a house. I'm going to figure this out. Don't worry about it. You're not bouncing this off anybody. You're leaving the charge. I'm just moving. That's a crazy way. Just to talk about acquiring real estate.

Two things we didn't have in my life then that we have now that's savings for everything. One, Jesus already talked about him. two things we didn't have one Jesus two peptides so we have those two things Jesus and pepies and now we're thinking better but so we go to the walkthrough of the apartment that we're in contractor that we're going to buy we're going to do some demolition on blah blah blah go in there guess what everywhere on the walls roaches roaches she says I'm not living in an apartment I will not do it it's the only thing trauma she's like I can deal with mice I can deal with anything Roaches, no, it's a, you know, PTSD from how she grew up.

I said, oh, my God. So that falls through. But now we're in Queens. We got the kids in a new school. We got them back in Catholic school. Everything's going, right? Jesus saves. Jesus saves.

So we rent this house, right? And it's like an old lady's house. I mean, it's a nice enough house. Don't get me wrong. In Faroe Hills. But it's an old, it's, you know, we came from, you know, we did all this renovation in Staten Island. Now we're sitting in this old lady's house. Nobody's happy.

I'm not happy. The family's not happy. kids are, you know, adjusting to it all. So then... You're packing everything up and you're moving? Dude, I moved three times in three months with a full family. I kill my family. Full moves, right?

So then, so then we, you know, we're looking. We say, you know, the kids come to us and, you know, they're happy enough for sure, but they're like, you know, we missed the pool. We missed the yard. We had all those things. And, you know, my stepson actually came to me. He was like, you know, I won't tell my sisters. He's like, but did you lose your job?

Like, do you not have money? Are you writing anything? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to turn material. Are you doing clips? Yeah, what are you doing? Yes, she's like, are you on the algorithm? He was like, you know, do you can't.

Who's doing your thumbnail? Yeah, exactly. He's like, you got to get on with Mr. Beast. You're tanking here. Yeah. That's awesome. My mom hit me with that one. So then we find.

Do you know Drewski? Yeah. What are you doing? So then we find. That's awesome. So we keep looking for house. Did you lose your job? I mean, well, he's acting like it.

Yeah. That's what happened when I do. When money was bad at my house. We were moving a lot in the middle of the night. Yep, yep. Apartment to apartment. Dude. So then finally it gets to, Jazz sits down with me.

She's like, look, we have to move again. We have to fix this. She was like, so let's start looking. You know, we moved the kids twice already. We're going to have to move them. You know, we don't have to. She was like, but I think let's do. This isn't super sustainable.

Right. She's like, you know, we're renting it. And then the lady who, you know, who's home. we were renting. The old lady? The old lady, you know, turned around and said, listen, I'm going to put this thing up. She was there with you? No, no, no. She was, she was just, what to fuck? I know. She's, she's going to put it up. She says, I'm going to put it up for sale. When my mother, when my mother passes away, she says, I'm going to put it up for sale. Wait, the old lady has a mother. Yeah, this is crazy. The old lady's mother was like in her late 90s and the old lady we were getting from was like in her 70s. Jesus. Had him young back then. That's the way it was. And here's the thing. Here's crazy things about just, I think, Latino women are very connected to, I think, another realm.

They always know what you're texting. They always know what you're doing. He's called fireware, guys. So she, the old lady, the woman's, the old lady's mother, right, was dying, right? We're in this house, renting this house for about a year. All of a sudden, middle of the night, jazz wakes up, four o'clock in the morning. She's up, just sitting up. And then I turn over, I wake up, I'm like, what's up, you all right?

and she's like I think I think the mother's dead That happens And I said That happens And I said what do you Get the fuck

That happens I said what do you mean She was like I was like you'd get a call And she said She said no no I can feel that she's dead He goes

She was like I can't see her But I can feel her She's here She's passed away And she wants us out of this house She was like I'm telling you Chris I'm telling you gotta believe me

She's being serious She's not that She ain't the type Jazz, do that. She's a real deal, you know, girl, she's not about that shit. So I say, jazz, just relax. I would have left everyone there, including the children. You're on your own.

Every day and yourself. Anytime jazz is feeling like that, I said, jazz, maybe you're pregnant. This happens. Don't worry about it. And she goes. I'll take you to the store. I'll take you to the store. Got some bad mafungo.

Yeah, yeah, we'll get it. So about, that's just about, like I said, 4 a.m. About 11.30 a.m. Let's call it high noon. High noon. She gets a call from our. landlord, the old lady. She goes, hey, my mother died in the middle of the night last night. You know, obviously, she was like, you know, we have some things to talk about. I'm not ready yet.

I'm on my way back. She was living down in Florida. One way back up to New York to take care of this. And then Jazz says, she was like, oh, my God, she's like, I'm so sorry. She goes, what time did it happen? She said, like 4.405 a.m. the nursing home told us, right, whatever it was. I need a time per year from the nursing home to the house. 100% like that. Even with sitting in traffic on the van wick and all that, she got there. So then Jazz says to me, she goes,

we got to go. We have to leave this home. Not only because they're selling it, I wasn't going to buy a house like that in Queens and then have to renovate it the way one. I don't have that kind of cash. I don't got the RU Garbage, Patreon. What did she say?

What did she say the lady told her? You know what's very trashy? This whole story? That woman finds out her mother dies. I'm on my way to New York to list this fucking house. Get this. Hey, let's call the tenant pack your bags. Yeah. Because there's a for sale sign going up.

You got to catch your check. Let's keep it moving. This is what my mother would have wanted. This is a triplex that's about to move. So, so, and I saw the deal. I got a nice price on that. I wasn't willing to pay that whoever paid that. Really?

I was not willing to pay, put that number up. Really? Gang, let's talk about aura, aura, aura, or. You know them? You love them. We talk about them all the time. For years. Because we love them.

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or caffeine. And customers can use the code garbage. You get 15% off at take ultra.com. That's take ultra.com for 15% off code garbage. After you purchase, I'm going to ask you how you heard about them. Tell them to some, tell them you, the boy say. What are you doing? Love you. Love you. But, but, but so, so we say we got to move. So then we find we're looking, we're looking, and we find the home that we currently live in now, find it about 45 minutes away, went up north. We were going to go to Long Island. Instead, we went up north to a little place called Westchester.

Hello. Yep. For a guy like you. Not bad. You know who runs that town up there? Paul Verzi. And Yanni Papi. And Yanni Papi.

So I live, I don't live, you know, close to them because Westchester is a big place, but I live in Westchester, baby. And so, and so I live. He's in Yonkers. Yeah, right. He's in Riverdale. I said Westchester. Yes. Yonkers counts. I live right by the Yonkers barge. So, but now what I'm in, now I'm finally in, you know, the home.

It looks like a nice piece of property from the Instagram stories I've seen. It ain't bad. We got Josephine, our dog, Josephine, the Siberian Husky, who doesn't listen. It sits all the way in the back. From what I've seen, it only sits at the property line and stairs at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We tried to do the electric fence. The shock collar doesn't work. So just whatever. She just. It's a wolf. She is who she is.

It's actually amazing sometimes in the mornings to look out in the yard because we'll let her out in the morning and just kind of you don't see her. And then all of a sudden you just see something stalking through the bushes. My favorite thing. And it's a wolf. And it's our dog. If you ever, because my dog is 75% husky, 25% German Shepherd. So the vet told us what you got is actually perfect because you got a husky. They're typically not known as guard dogs and really not family dogs.

Like if it was pure bread husky, I mean, they're beautiful, but it's a lot. But we, because we got this 25% German Shepherd, she does guard. And she is social with the family, but she guards. You walk on, you walk up my front steps. She doesn't even bark. She just stands on her hind legs and just looks at you. Just waits. Smoking a cigarette.

Waits for you to do something stupid. If you just drop the packages off there and you back away. But if you take one step in unauthorized and we don't give you a hug or say hello, she's ready to go. So. That's good. Locked unloaded. But now we're in a position where I did this actually on purpose. I said, I can't do this to my family again.

I can't do this to my kids again. So what is the only way, the only way, a little bit, I took a page from The Odyssey where, you know, where Homer. With the sirens, you know the story of the sirens. Of course. Strap yourself to the mass. So I strap myself to the, I strapped myself to the mortgage and the taxes. 95-year mortgage.

I strapped myself. I said, we're doing this one. the taxes are ungodly. The mortgage is too much for us to handle, but the only way we won't move is I'm going to figure out a way to keep it going here. I'm going to pull my stress up to a thousand, and we're just going to make this place work.

And my family came to me. This was just, what's today? Wednesday? Thursday. This was Monday or Tuesday. The residency at New York Comedy Club starting to make a lot of sense now. I saw that.

What it is. Hey, I'm doing a six, a four, a three. Someone's warming up. Get it popping, baby. So they came to me my... Still 40 shows of bananas? Yeah. My daughters came to me and my stepson and said,

we love it here. And my daughter, my 10-year-old said, Dad, just promise me we're not going to move. I said, honey, we got minimum 10 years here. I said because even if I can't make the payments, I'm going to have the government. The government's going to have to come and physically remove us.

I'm going to pull one of those jobs where the U.S. Marshals will have to come and get me off that land. I'm not. I'll go into bankruptcy. I'll go into foreclosure. I won't move. I will squat on myself before I sell that house.

Okay. So that brings us to renovations. That brings us to Bank of America knocking on the door. So I want to shout out Pella, great window company. They allow me to find it. That's expensive. They allow me to do 0% APR over four years. With that being said, I would, I love this show.

I'd love for you to support me at christiecom. Buy some tickets to my shows because make absolutely no mistake. My monthly debt, which was already too high, just went up about two grand more a month. I mean, you're fucking... Why'd you have to get a new window? What was the house? Was it a new house?

The house is an 1899 tutor. So the issue with the house is... What does that mean? 1899. The house is built in 1899. That's insane. You got fucking your wife picking up ghosts from a house in Ridgewood. Yeah.

Then you're moving on. Jesus Christ. Yeah. She's got to turn a dial down. 1899 tutor. So... 1899 house. The problem is that the window guy told me.

When he can't, I want, I'm doing the smart thing now. I'm getting three, four quotes, right? I got guys DM in me saying, I got a window guy. I fucking hook you up. But we chose Pella, and even the Pella guy told me, he goes, you know, every owner of this previous owner of this house was kicking the window thing down the, kicking the can. What are you having there now?

Now it hit you. I have the original windows from 1890. The old wooden windows? Yes, with the, you know, chain. That's where how to ghosts are getting. That's what, these Pellas are going to keep the spirits out. And then the insulation, the problem is I got, oh, almost no insulation.

So when I tell you my oil bills, when I tell you my oil. You got oil? You got to have a truck come up and dump oil in? Yep. Holy shit. This is what I'm living. Bob Cratchett?

Dude, but you moved to Colonial Williamsford? What the fuck? My oil bills are out of control because the heat. Has the mutton up there. Good? The second you turn off my heat, the paupas are coming.

The pauses are coming. Yeah. So I got oil. I got, I got propane. I'm living off the fucking grid, boys. Can I tell you this? No.

Excuse me. It's a very cozy feeling in the winter when it's very cold when the oil truck shows up. And you smell that oil and he's loading it into the thing. It's nice. Yeah, if you're working at a Sonoco. What are you talking about? We got fireplaces too. So we throw those bad boys on.

I got the nice fireplace insert. So that'll heat up a couple of rooms. But I'm in over my head. What's the kitchen look like? You have to redo the whole place? We've got to redo the kitchen. So what happens is we already, we already, we already. already stretched to the max and then the wife's in there for about three months she goes you know

some things got to go in this house this some dates or something quick let's go ahead christie comedy comity.com every thursday new york comedy club get your tickies shows are selling out then we got stanford comedy club anything amelia sophone owns atlantic city comedy club he gives me the best door deals then we got more stuff coming i'm texting my agent mike berkwoods he hasn't texted me back he's got one more day to fucking responder i'm firing i'm going to cia i need to make money i you you you talk to my family then and tell him you didn't you you you know you You tell them why we have to move again. I need the dates.

Casinos, guaranteed money. We'll be in Atlantic City, too. That ain't the Hard Rock. Hard Rock. Oh, I love to Hard Rock. Check that out. July. Chrisie.

Nine. Nice guarantee up there. What were the windows total? Can you say? Can you give us a number? How many windows? You don't have to. How many windows?

53. Billion. I swear to God. What the fuck? What is it a cruise ship? Yeah. I got. No, I got 53.

I got 53. You can't build houses in 1899 with 53 windows? I got 53 windows, cosy-wassey. What the wrong? Zero percent APR for four years. We're going to lay it out nice and long. We're going to break it up into installments. Do you have the intention?

I've had to finance some stuff for the house, obviously. Do you have any intention of like, well, when I come across a lump sum, am I, are you going to chip up? Are you just always going to make the lump? Or do you plan on clearing that debt off the table at any point? The plan is right now, So again, I think everybody needs a frisbee in your life, what we call a Jewish person with the Yami.

Everybody needs a frisbee in their life. My frisbee's a great guy, my financial guy, and he told me, you know, what, what, what, well. They can't be happy about this. 53 windows. Well, I asked him, here's my new system, how I made all these mistakes, you know, a few years ago. Oh, I was just letting stuff fly.

I don't do anything now. The frisbies, they tell me yes or no. And I tell them, if it's a no, it's a no, you got to tell me. They greenlit the windows because they said zero percent AP. It's good. They said if you're getting free money. Anybody likes free money, not just the free.

Right. But they said, do not. His advice to me is if you come into some lump sums of money, a career kicks up. Don't pay it because it's free money. It's free money. He said, we'll keep it in an account invested. We'll keep you. You're making your 5, 6%.

Right. We'll make it. And he said, and then we'll just pay it off an installment. So he told me we can do the kitchen. We can do the windows. We can do those things because we had a nice little chunk of change from Saudi Arabia last year. So, man, you're getting it from every country

in the fucking Middle East. Fucking playing both ends against the middle over here. What it is? You're selling rockets, too? Yeah, so we had, so. Chrissy D. drones. So we had to do that. So that, you know, the Ayatoll is paying for my windows and kitchen.

You're insane. I'm insane, but you know what it is? We got to do. It's Chrissy Chaos, which I also brought back. I saw that. I saw that. I said, I think something's up. We got Chrissy Chaos back. We got, you know, of course, History. Hyena's coming at you every Thursday.

Having fun with me and Yanni P. And yeah, check me out on the road. Who knows what I else might be doing? I might be getting back into physical therapy kids. He's also available for birthday parties. I'm available for birthday parties. I got an only fans. So when does the Pella Windows tours kick off?

The Pello Windows tour, well, the first date we got coming at you is June 26, 27th, down in there in Stanford, Connecticut. But then we're going to be adding some stuff. Nice. We had a sitcom in development with ABC, but that, you know, that got shot. that you know done got to pilot money though no we got the pile of money not much but another thing you know you got a face to music here kids what it's about that's crazy after all that you got to face the music you're you got to face the music your kids life now is about

the internet it's about doing shows with my brothers here it's about what we can create it's about you know there's nothing nothing to get anymore nobody's going to give you anything the cavalry's not comment. So you got to create your own stuff. If I couldn't get a sitcom on the air at ABC with Jimmy Kimmel, it's like having a show with fucking Mickey Mouse. And they wouldn't put it on ABC Disney. So the truth is, is the TV and film side of business, for whatever reason, they've always said no, but the lovely YouTube podcast audience and stand up and the people have always said yes. So I thank you. I love you. So because of you, you know, I'm able to sustain myself here but make absolutely

no mistake. Things were getting a little dark this winter but we're fixing things up. Pella's going to bring some more light in. Now, okay. Do you go with the Pella wood or is it like a composite? We're going Pella that's high in. In my house I was told that it has to be

traditional woodclad windows because the mistake you can make is in an 1899 home. You put in the wrong windows you actually devalue the home. You're not wrong. You've got to put in the right window. So it's a big The big wooden windows. And I was told by, again, my Frisbee, he told me, look, this hurts right now, and it's going to hurt. And with God willing, your career kicks up a notch. We'll see what, you know, get you on Kill Tony, something like that.

But he said, you know, God willing you get to the next phase here. He said, but, but you're choosing a little bit more of an expensive window, which I know is tough take. But he said, but for the resale value, we're thinking about could we get out of this if we needed to? If you have better windows, you're going to get a buyer much quicker. He said, so think of it as insurance and helping with your insulation. If you pick the cheap windows, the crystal window factory off the side of the fucking L.I.E. and Queens, then you're going to have a big problem. Yeah, doing vinyl.

So the promise to your daughter may or may not be lasting. No, no, no, no. I told her, I, no, it's really more for just insurance just to know in the back of my mind if shit ever really, really, really hit the fan. Well, we could just sell this puppy and move on. I also told my kids, so we're going to stay in that house, but I also would never do this. again, I would never move my kids' school again. If any parents out there listening and you're on the take it for me and you're thinking,

oh, should I move my kid's school? If the kids tell you they like the school, don't move the school. I made a huge mistake by moving the school. I only have one regret in my life, and that is what I did to my kids moving their schools. I regret it. I'm trying to make up for it. I'm in there. The little one I think will be okay because she's going to go to the same schools.

My middle daughter's okay, but my stepson, he moves schools too much. So I'm really. The little one's on a baby. She's in school? She's for the little one. Yeah, she's in pre-K. Wow. Crazy.

Yeah, she's a pre-K. She's not going to remember that. She's not going to remember, but the middle one and my older one did a little bit of a number on them. We've learned now. They're okay. They're adjusting nice. We work really hard with them. But, yeah, don't move your kids' schools.

Wow. Get Pella windows. They offer the, I think they're the best of the, you know, renewal by Anderson. Now, Pella's Pellas, Pellas. I was in a window biz for a while. We got quotes from Pella. Renewal by Anderson. Marvin.

More all very nice. Pella came in. I believe when you go, I mean, yeah. What's the problem? Because Marvin was telling me, Marvin was trying to... They all fucking... Marvin was probably trying to sell you to the composite. Dude, Marvin's trying to sell me the composite.

They're coming out... Composits, good. And stains, just like wood. But they were telling me, they were telling me that, that... Oh, the wood that Pella makes, it's bullshit from Canada. You know, you're worried about wood. The wood that I have from my house in 1899 was real American wood. Yeah.

Do you know who's coming to sell you the windows? A guy like... me who's going what they go probably on Zepbound right yeah seriously he the kid looks good he's actually a fan he's a fan of all the pods really yeah yeah yeah I like how you loop the fucking pulled this

no no no I'm just saying he came he loves all the pods no no no no no he came into my house and told me he was like oh are you Chrissy Dee goes I was like yeah he was like I love podcasts he was like and he mentioned all the pods that were all of us he probably did that his research to sell you yeah but do you think the woodclad window I don't need No, it's good.

No, I think it's a good choice. It is a good choice. Black on the inside, black on the outside? I mean, I have to see the house, and that's a personal choice. But the window itself is you've got a very high-end window. Don't ask him. He's in a lemon. I got mold.

But you can't look, according to my frisbee, you can't, if you go with a high-end window, you're not going to lose on that. 100%. It's a zero percent interest. And people will like it. Yeah, of course. So if someone's in the market for that house, they're going to go, they did this, right way unless you get a guy like you doesn't know what the fuck he's looking at right right but a guy who's going in is like I wanted a fucking 1888 fixer up or whatever right they already got the he did

that windows as the right way as best you could as best you could's going high end quality it stays on that oil too I'm sure you got double triple pain maybe you got something in there no I'm really I want I want to shout out I want to shout out the new oil company I got coming out next week because I was with robinson but now I want to shout out plutnik oil they're going to come in next week you know what this guy tells me he got a tank he goes I'm in I got two oil tankers down in the basement he said let me let me take a look he's coming one. Wednesday at high noon. He says, What's up with this guy in high noon?

I like high noon. The total 11, you know what? Let's make it high noon. He told me, you know what? Some of these machines down there, he goes, I've done a couple of jobs. Not the cheapest. He goes, but we might be able to convert that from oil to propane. Heat the house on propane this way.

The oil prices right now are sky high because of the war in Iran. Sure. He said propane. Which somehow you're profiting from him. No, I'm losing out because the oil's, I'm losing. I'm actually on Iran side just to get. the U.S. out of here so my prices go down and I'll go back on the U.S. It's one of those oil tankers is Chrisies.

Yeah. It's his uncle trying to get it through. So move your boat. Move your boat. So they're going to switch it up to propane. So we'll see because the oil bills right now are astronomical. Well, let me ask you this. How much oil do you need right now? In the summary, you probably don't need that much.

I'm sure his conflict's going to blow. This conflict don't blow by September. We all got bigger we got big problems. Yeah. Yeah. In your fucking oil money. Yeah. So, yeah. So, yeah. The winter, this is going to cost $20. Coldest winter, you know, in the last 30 years, so I got drilled with that oil. I got drilled.

But then we got to re-insulate the house. We got to do, you know, after the windows, then we have no insulation in the walls. Did you know this buying this house? You know, we. No. That's all answer for him. He did not. The answer is no. How many bedrooms is it?

53. Five. Five. It's probably beautiful. It's a beautiful house. I'm sure. 1899. 1899 dudes.

That's crazy. I'm very happy for you. That's 120 some years. Yeah, big time. Oh, shit. Yep. Yep, so that's what we do. How are the neighbors?

Have you interacted? Any faux paws yet? Probably all dead. 1899. Neighbors are great people. Interesting guy. My neighbor, very diesel jacked guy in his 50s, one of these, like, really muscular guys, walks and takes the garbage down to the front of his house with no shoes or socks on 12 months a year.

Okay. I like that. I respect that. I like that. I respect. He's got feet. And I almost to the point where I said, this guy's a real man. But then his wife told my wife that he has diabetes.

So he has no feeling of feet. Is Jazz picking up any vibes in the house now? Jazz told me, I asked her that. We moved in August 1st. I said if you feel anything by August 15. I would have made her do that when you walk through it. She told me it's clear. She told me it's clear.

Did you sage it or anything? Burned any of that beachwood or anything? She probably did that. I didn't. I didn't do it, but knowing her, she probably did it, but she told me it's clear. And she did tell me when we first moved into that, to the old lady's house in Queens, that she felt the presence there, but I overrode it. We're staying.

But she told me there's nothing in this house. I told me the house my sister lives in now had a guy, the guy died there, the previous owner, died there. In the house? In the house. And he was yelling at the kids. Apparently there's a thing only the, I've talked about this, only the kids, kids are more sensitive to it or something. Okay. So she had a party and the kids were upstairs playing.

The one kid came downstairs, and they're like, why don't you go upstairs and play with the other kids or whatever? He goes, I can't have that. He goes, that old man yelled at me and told me not to be in his room. Wow. And then she was like, what the fuck? And then it happened with another, maybe my niece or nephew or something. So they, like, they had to, you know, Miss Cleo come in and fucking cleanse it or whatever. My God, I would have Miss Pat come in.

There's a, I saw you guys with Miss Pat. I saw you guys with Miss Pat. She's the best. She's the, one of the funniest people ever. I love her. It's crazy. It's insane how funny she's. but she came on my podcast.

This was like two years ago, and I was, I was a message, Jasmine's father's dead, and the urn was right behind me. So I was like, oh, you want to meet Jasmine's dad? And then I brought out the urn. And then, yeah, but, you know, she's like, you know, and she was like, and she was like, Jasmine, come get your man.

He down here playing with your daddy. And my little daughter, she says that every single day of breakfast. She's like, he down here playing with your daddy. To the point where the teachers were like, you know, what is with the black scent from your child? I said it's Miss. It's Miss Pat. Okay.

I mean, we got a pool out there? A pool. Oh, yeah, we got a pool. You do? In ground? In ground. We need a ball. Diving board?

No diving board, but we'd like to put in a slide. You'd like to put in a slide. How deep? Big yard. We got a big boy. You ready for this? I've seen a yard. No, no, no, no.

I'm saying the pool. Again, they made, I think there's pools from like the sevens. You know what the deep end is? 15 feet. This is pre-permits and shit. Pre-regulation. went down 15 feet. And then we go to three on the other side.

It's going to be a lot of oil to heat that day. Oh, yeah. And I'm heating that puppy on propane. So that, if I want to heat the pool when I got Jasmine's family coming over, I want to heat that puppy, 48 hours to heat it. 15 feet, folks. Kaby, let's talk about 1,800 flowers. 1,800 flowers. Did you know the flowers is the number one gift to give for Mother's Day,

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See chime.com for details and applicable terms. Now, do the Puerto Rican, do they like a hot pool or do they like a cold pool? Hot. They like it hot. Caliente. She will not get in. She will not get in unless it's heated to, you know.

But the problem is, as a matter of fact, this is one, you know, what my neighbor told me, he was like, you know, what would help, honestly, is if you just filled in that 15 foot side, you would be able to heat this thing. 20 minutes. I don't know. 15. That's a rare. That's awesome. That's also you get down there. It's colder down there.

See, because I was, I was looking around a lot. After we moved in, I had that buyer's remorse that regret, you know, that's why I always sell. But, and I was looking around, you know, it got to the point. I'm watching commercials. I'm like, look at how nice that person's house is. It's brand new. They got everything. Their house, I probably paid more for my house than they did for theirs because, but now

that I've been in it for a little while, you make these, if you're really going to stay for the, you know, 10, 15 years, you make the little improvements, what you can. I'm like, everybody who comes in my house is like, they don't make wood like that anymore. My door. My door. Dude, my door is fucking 15 feet in the air. My door, it's the biggest door you've ever seen in your life because that's because they, they didn't make it. They didn't have two by four.

They didn't have, you know, a two by four back then wasn't two by four. It was they would eyeball it. So he said all the wood that you're getting. It's not like a machine cut wood. It's none of that. Hand-laid. Hand-laid. So now I'm starting to appreciate it.

I'm starting to appreciate it. Like we bought this house thinking, oh, it's 1899. You know, it has these columns right when you walk in. You could strip all that if you got to sell it. What the columns are beautiful. And you're like, oh, my God. It's like got this colonial regal vibe 1899. We're sitting down drinking wine, having, you know,

look at the columns, then we take our daughter to the preschool. She was like, she was like, oh, yeah, you guys live. I know the house you guys live in. I said, yeah, she goes, I went to a party there once. I said, yeah, she was like, oh, those beautiful columns. I was like, yeah, you know, they're original to the house, blah, blah, blah. She goes, no, they're not. I said what?

She goes, an Indian family in 1978 put those in. She goes, those are Indian columns. That's an Indian, and then you look at them now and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's an Indian person owned this house for 15 years. And their little kid went to the nursery school. She was like, yeah, the Raj family put those in. The Patels. The Patels, I was like, oh, well, I thought they were original from 18 to 9.

She was like, you're not. I was like, rip them out. Get these Indian poles out of my head. God damn, Patriot. Yeah. Chris, he's on his heels. I love. Yeah, always on the heels.

You need to be, though. You're not a comfort kind of guy. You try to be. Your whole struggles, I want to be comfortable, but you're not. You need the plate spinning. You need the back pedal. You need your peptides. Jesus save.

You need a gun. But you saw the pick of me before and after. I'm starting. I'm on the right track. You look fantastic. Right? I'm on the right track. You never not look fantastic.

So at least we can. No, but there's time. But when I showed you the before. You're talking to us. Good looking kid. Good looking kid. I'm trying to get the health back. We're trying to get the numbers down.

The old cholesterol eight weeks ago was 303 total C. So we got to get that number down. But we've leaned into red at true tide. We've leaned in to peptides. And Jesus try to help get those numbers down and lower the saturated fat as best we can. Very good. Would you be a guy, man? that collects would you be one of those guys would you get involved like that an usher yeah 100% 100%

i i i haven't i haven't volunteered my time yet at the um at the church but i have been volunteering the new york shows dude you got to do those new york shows every thursday every thursday through may starting april 30 you have to do material yep and so and so then i got uh but but i have been volunteering my time at a soup kitchen in my very nice dude i i never did this I never, I never, you know, when I was little, my mom would take me to do that stuff. She's very involved in the church. Very religious. She would, you know, take me to do all that stuff in the church and all that.

But then I just, you know, sometimes you got to, it's just got to hate you. You got to internally. Everything, every life choice you make, every decision you make, every change you make, it's got to be internal. You can see it on Instagram. Somebody can tell you, it's got to come from within. So from within, I said, you know what? You know what? You know what?

And every choice, I think, starts a little selfishly. and then you realize that, you know, you're outgoing. I said, I got to feel better. What would make me honestly feel better? Forget about helping me. I got to help other people. How do I help other people? He said, oh, you do that with your comedy.

Yeah, but how do I really help other people? You're a real hero. Yeah, exactly. You do that with your comedy. I know I'm out here saving lives. There is the best message. But people say, no, somebody said that to me. I'm like, it's bullshit, but whatever.

But still, you know, if you want to be illed every Thursday, New York Comedy Club. New material. New material. New material. And so, and so I said, how long are you doing on them shows? I said, I'm going to do about, uh, it depends. 30.

You do 30. No, I'll do, I'll do 45. It depends. 45. It depends how I feel. I'm doing six and eight 30s. I'm doing six and eight 30s. Well, let's get new material.

Let's, you know what I mean? I got 15 in it. My belief, my belief is, my belief is, you know, crowd work counts as new material, uh, material that you did. The bitch you haven't heard it. Yeah, material that you did from your 2018 special counts as new material. You can, you know, you got an eight year window. But I went down to the soup kitchen

And that really helping other people You know, feeding them doing that Helps me feel better about me And then you start to realize We all kind of got the same shit going on You know, nobody's really that different Is it a soup kitchen up there or down here? Up there

Who's up there? What do you mean? Who's the poor people up there? Where's the homeless up there? They come up from the Bronx. Yeah, they come from the Bronx or Yonkers Has the suit. The other part of Yonkers

Not the part that I live in. You do live in Yonkers. No. The soup The soup is good. The soup is good. The soup is good. The food is good.

They call it soup kitchen, but they give them all types of shit, hoagies. You know, I call them sandwiches. But do they make anything there? Yeah, they make, they make a, what aren't you getting about this shelter? I don't want to know. You go get a bowl of the soup. I want to know if it's worth the trip. It's good.

Everybody gets their electrolytes in. I told these guys if they want. He's over there pushing peptides. Hey, cracker Jack, you know what you need? Yeah. I told some of these guys. I said, listen, if you guys didn't already have a problem with needles, I would start injecting you guys with some pepies.

He's like, they're all strong out. How do you get that V? Is that natural or is that peptide? Step over to the Winstrel station. Yeah. You can get Winstrel at that doctor's office I was telling you about. That's what I need. Let me all roided out there. That'd be great.

You'd be a great strong man lifter. You could probably put up some serious weight, right? No. You never could? No, not really. Interesting. I thought you could put up a nice deadlift. I could do a good bench press.

Yeah. What did you get? What'd you throw around? Do you remember? I want to say $2.25. Does that make sense? Yeah, it's two plates on each side. That's real deal shit.

Yeah. In college, maybe like a couple of times. Right. I'm just basing that on when they would test you every year. So you don't throw weights around at all. No, you got to throw it around a little bit. You throw it around a little bit? I throw the McArch around.

Yeah. I heard that's really good. Yeah. One of my neighbors left the McArch on my food. No, dude, my neighbor left the McArch on my front. door and he left it late like 10.30 p.m. but I was already passed out and I didn't know about it. He just, you know, he thought it was good. He was like, oh, like a, not a goof, but he went there and he was like, I'll drop on off for you. And he texted me. Is this the guy up here? One of the guys up

up here. And then he texted me. The guy with the no shoes. No, not that guy. I said, one who's got diabetes. No, yeah. No, my other neighbor, he texted me and he says, it's outside and your front, it's outside. But you're already snoo. This is 10.30 p.m. I wake up to that at 6 o'clock in the morning. I go out there, dear it had eaten through that McGarch. And then there was diarri. And then there was diarrhea all over my front lawn. I fully apologize. Yeah. We saw it.

It's him on a ring cam? House is beautiful, by the way. Yeah. You keep the deer diarrhea? Well, I saw it on the ring cam. The diarrhea, the deer had come and eating it and, you know, eating it all up at like 2 o'clock in the morning. And then 6 o'clock in the morning was one of those like kind of cold mornings.

There was frozen diarrhea all over the lawn. I know it wasn't me. This time. What, okay. Who's doing a trash can? Do you doing a trash can? Doing the trash cans, we got Mondays, we got regular garbage, we got Wednesdays it's cardboard, Fridays it's recycling and garbage.

We call that mixed. We have the big ones with the wheels and the flip. Got the big one with the wheels. I got those down at Home Depot, and now what we're going to do... They don't give me it? They gave you the recyclable, probably. We gave me the recyclable, but we had to go get our own new trash cans because the previous owner had ones with no lid.

We got ones with the lid, with the strap because we got raccoons up there. Whoa. And now what we do is actually, Jazz just this morning, she was like, Oh, we need to get some kind of, like, receptacle, you know, because the garbage cans are just out on the side of the house with the own. I got you. So I said, why don't we try to build one together? Why don't we just chat GPT it?

And she goes, you want to chat GPT making a box out of wood? I said, we could chat GPT it. She goes, why don't we just pay someone to do it? Yeah, you can buy that. I said, yeah, I said, let's buy it. Yeah, yeah, they're nice. But I have, I'll tell you what, I have been doing some more handy things around the house, hung up a picture the other day.

That's pretty good. You just put in the anchors or you just put a screw in? Put in an anchor. What are these walls? What are you mean? What are your walls? Plaster. Plaster?

Dry wall. How would I know? You tell me. Are they? You're the handy, man. What? I think they're playing. I think I mean.

Put an anchor in. I had to put an anchor in. When you tap the nail in, is it all like, is it hard? I drilled one in. Could you punch through the wall, you think? No. I don't think I could. Probably plaster walls, though.

I've been told because we wanted. Because we wanted to do, we wanted to do... 1880. They didn't have fucking... Tyvex wasn't around in. Two contractors. Two contractors. We had an idea.

I'm all about quotes. I'm Chrissy quotes lately. I'm all about coming and getting these guys getting quotes. I'm quotes, quotes, quotes. Quotes are free, right? Quotes are free. I love quotes. Are you there?

I'm there with the quotes. A lot of times they make jazz are both decision makers. They don't like come and waste you're wasting your time. They don't like giving out free information. She hit him with a coffee. I hit them with a coffee, with the water, whatever they want. I even give some guys some peptides. It's up to them.

Is there any like, you know, a little coffee cake or something like that? You offer anything like that? Jazz is big on bun cakes. There's a place up there by us. Is it called Everything Bunce? It's a big bun cake place. I think they did big numbers on Shark Tank. But we go, we're big on bunts.

Love jazz. Love big on, yeah, big on bunts. She, so we'll go. We get quotes. We wanted to, there was one idea we had where we said maybe we can open up a wall here, make the kitchen more because kitchen's a little closed off. And the both contractors, said, obviously we can do whatever we want, but he was like, I would just suggest you're

never going to get a wall like this again. Do not touch these walls. He was like these walls. He said, first of all, it's a big job to get through a wall like this. So it must be plastic. Must be real deal shit. And I got nice fucking crown moldings up there. Got crown mold?

I got crown mold. The house is built in 1890. How many times I got to say it? My bad, bud. You have the gym. Lincoln was barely cold. Do you have the chair? I think that's called the chair.

Do you have like a piece of wood around the middle? Yes, that's old school. Yeah, I got framing. I got Wayne scoting. Yeah, like that. Wayne scoting, yeah. What are the floors? The floors we got, they kind of look like this, but they're original to the house.

Got some nails popping up here and there. The real small planks. It's not big. I got them, too. Is it the square nails? The ones with the square heads are scary. Yep. But they got Jesus with.

Yep, they got them. They're not going to get me, though. I'll show you off there. I'll show you some videos. I'll show you some picks. You guys will come up, right? Yeah. We got the pool.

We got the pool. We got everything. I'll bring the baby. Bring the baby. You learn how to swim in there. You could put a serious diving board. You could probably get a high dive. A hundred percent. Yeah, well, I'm thinking about it.

I already got one. I got quotes coming to more. We have a little platform right now. It's like a little elevated because there's a little like a little kind of jacuzzi. It doesn't work. But there's a jacuzzi there. But the platform is elevated about six feet off. So the last summer of the kids were running and doing backflips off that.

Oh, that's awesome. Six feet? Six feet. That's serious. Day one of Jasmine's uncles, the great T.T. Jerry got a Newport cigarette clogged in the water filter. Respect. Smoking in the pool? With jean shorts on.

Why doesn't the hot tub work? I don't know. We got something on the list to fix me. I think he actually told me the propane. There's two lines going. The propane will heat the pool, but then there's also propane for the hot tub and that propane line is jacked up. There's something about, I've never, I don't know if it's just the circles. I run in, aren't classy, and they're not a lot of cash.

But every time I'm in a hot tub, they never work. And the water always gets sucked. Like, it's never like. A hot tub? Yeah. Yeah. The one we had in LA was fantastic. Yeah, I'm saying that I'm saying that's a rental.

I'm saying the ones that like if I go to my, and any one I've ever had growing up, not that I've had them, but have been in growing up or family members or anything, it's always been like, nah, don't work or there's always something shoddy about it. A home hot tub. Yeah, yeah. It's a little, it's a little messed up. But, you know, my neighbor told me, ready for this, the previous guy lived there for 20 years. I'm talking about my house is here, neighbor's house is right there.

And there's only two houses in this little piece of property. And then there's a golf course. So there's no houses around. So you're really close to your neighbor. Nice. Right? It's the guy with the McRib. With no, barefoot.

Not the guy with the McRib. No, McRib lives on the other side. 22 years-ish never got invited to the pool once. Really? He said, opening day of my pool. May 19th, my daughter's birthday, your first invite. Opening day, I'm inviting the guy. That's crazy not to do.

Right? What a scumbag thing to do? You're not going to invite your neighbor to your pool. You've got to have the neighbors. Did the guy have kids? Yeah. Is this the Indian guy to put the... No, it's another guy.

Frisbee owned it before me. You had kids, everything. Some guy came up to me at one of the fairs that we had in my town. He goes, hey, you know the house you live in. It's a little weird. What the fuck? They know a small town. They know that.

town, they know the comedian lives in the house. Is it a comedian? Yep. He goes, he goes, that sunroom you got. I said, yeah. He goes, I banged a girl on that couch. Oh, he goes, there's a Chinese girl that used to live there. I said, no.

What was this? The UN of the house? Well, I said, I said, no. I said, no, I said, he's a Jewish guy. He goes, no, ask. She, there was, they had Chinese girls. They adopted. I banged one in the sunroom.

I said, okay. So I asked my neighbor, he's over there, you know, no shoes or socks on, light and fires, putting the garbage out. Mid-Feb. I said, can I see a question? I said, the guy. Is this Chinese? I said, were there Asian people that live there?

He goes, yeah, the owner, he adopted a couple of Asian girls. And then as he's working, he goes, one of them was pretty cute. I said, yeah, I think she got banged in the sunroom. He goes, that tracks, and then shut his garage door. So it's a small town. Any beefs in the small? Not beasts, but any ruffle. Yeah, there is, because you're a big personality.

You move, and you're a big personality. in your own. They know he lives there. We're ready for this? I mind my own business. Until he don't. So first of all, first week cops come up, local, you know, village police come up, come to my house.

Why? They knock on the door. Welcome. Well, first of all, first thing I did, I moved in August 1st, August 3rd. Okay, I went down to the farmer's market that's in my town, got a beautiful peach pie, dropped it off at the precinct. I wanted to let them know. Here's my name.

Here's where I live. I'm a big supporter of the of the police Peach pie on me Big so they come Peach peach pie Yeah I know Jazz just said it was summer peach Jazz said that was the one

freshly made that's the one So so they come to me They say thank you so much for the pie Nice gesture or whatever and they said we just want to let you know Some people already in this town know that you live here The real estate agent squealed And that's a fucking confidentiality That's what I said but whatever this guy fucking lives in Mexico now

So what am I going to do? So, so. The guy that sold to your house moved to Mexico? What are you going to do? People change. Man, you're running a weird, weird circle. It's crazy. But he told me the police officer, the captain, and a junior guy said, look, you know,

know some people know you live here. Just want to let you know you ever see some patrol cars around here? We got you. We got you. It's for us. We're going to put a little bit extra, not that you need it in a town like this. Nobody really. A couple flybys.

Nobody really cares, but just know. No shit. It's not, there's nothing going on. We just want to make sure you. feel comfortable great love that so then so then rock with the apaches come yeah it's love it so then so then because and not that i need it not not that we need not that this is a big thing but i had an altercation what you know me i'm not i'm not i'm chrissey the pacifist i don't want problems i want everyone to be happy you know i don't i'm like dude live your life have fun i one of these big snow days right big snow day

i got a you know pretty relatively large piece of property can get out doing that so here's the thing you get out there with a shovel and a bag of ice you got it you got salt you salt right sorry shovel a bag of salt so you can't shovel in a bag of salt so i tried to shovel it myself and you know even jazz was like i appreciate you you know doing what you can honey being a man but this is this will take you six hours okay you can't we're gonna have to call in we have to call in troops i also love how like a guy can't work for six hours yeah you're at day this will take you almost a full day's yeah so you know what you're right you're right can't do it we're moving done

get the windows pack it up so I call the my the landscape a great guy that's usually who handles it right and he said yeah I can come by

no problem didn't even hit me that hard 200 cash that's not I don't because he's coming in with the fucking snowmobile that ain't the snowmobile you are a city he's coming in with the plow

with the plow you're right yeah so he's coming in a bond villain yeah so he's coming in and so I said great you're booked then my daughter had made friends with a kid in the class, right?

Another girl, right? We're new to an area, of course, only a couple months into school. That girl's father, who had come to, we had thrown a party at the house a month before. Firstly, came to my house

and flip-flops to a Halloween party. Okay, fine. drank all the beer. What are you going to do? My kind of guy, I've got to be honest with it. So, you know, talking a little bit here and there,

nothing crazy, you know, nice enough guy, really. But then this guy calls me, he goes, listen, you know, do you need your driveway shumbled? I just got laid off. I could really use the work. I said, done, you know, friendly neighbor.

Tell my landscaper, he's cool with it. My landscaper had seven other jobs. He's like, all good. No problem. Call this guy. This is 8.30 in the morning. Landscaper supposed to come at 1 p.m. You know, we need to bang this out.

8.30 in the morning. Okay. Hire the other guy. Boom, boom, boom. It's got all taken care of. I'll be right there. 1.30 comes around 2 o'clock. The guy still doesn't show.

I text him, hey, man, what's going on? He goes, oh, I, I, I, I'll. A couple of towns away. I had a couple of houses before you. I'll be there in an hour. Okay. This guy called you. Right.

Two o'clock, three o'clock. Now it's four o'clock. Sun's going down. I said, hey, buddy, we're going to get some ice. Even I know that things can freeze. Okay? We're going to be bad shape. We're going to be bad shape.

You're going to bust out the zamboni. I mean, dude. Even my neighbor put his shoes on. That's how bad is. That's whoever jammed up. So I said, I said, what's going on? He goes, oh, he goes, sorry. I got one more than I'm on to you.

I said, wow. So now my blood's born, now my blood's born, right? What's he charging? Because I told the other guy I do it with 200. He goes, I'll do it 150. So I said, all right, I was going to give him 200 anyway, you know, just obviously you do the right thing. And so. You're a stand-up guy, give you that.

Do the right thing. And then so now it's 5.30, 6 o'clock. I text him. No response. 9 o'clock at night. He goes, yes, sorry, didn't get to you. Well, I'll try you tomorrow. So now I'm furious, right?

So now I do go out. Now my McArch neighbor, I texted him about it going nuts. He goes, that guy's a fucking asshole. How does he know him? Because it's a small town. They all know each other. So he goes, I'll come over. He comes over with a stepson who's from Ukraine, right?

He's got a stepson from Ukraine. This guy, it's about three degrees below zero. This guy's out there in a sweatshirt, no gloves, just fucking shoveling, moving ice with his hands, doesn't feel anything, just does it like a psychopath. It was a summer day for him in Ukraine. We shovel this whole driveway till about 1.30 in the morning on a school night.

I got to get up and take the kids to school because Jazz is not going to drive in the snow. I don't have the snow tires. That's another, that's another eight large. Yeah. So then the next day, you're fucking, ABC, you passed on this?

Oh, you're past on it. The whole time I'm thinking, is that out of your fucking mind? Yeah. Kimmel, come on. So the next day, So the next day, I text this guy, and I let him have it. I'm like, you know, dude, like, I hired you. I can't, like, I used myself.

Like, what's the hell? This is a text? Long text. And he goes, and he goes, yeah, sorry. He goes, oh, it goes, yeah, I guess you can't shovel your own driveway, Mr. Hot Shot. Don't like that. Don't love that. Don't love that.

Don't. This guy looking for a problem? So then I call him. Then I call him. Hey, flip-flops. Zip it. So then I call him. I go right away on the phone.

You know, you got to hear it. because then it's at a text. He picks up on the first ring. I'll give him that. He wasn't a pussy. Picks up. Meet you on Front Street. I said, dude, I don't know where that came from.

I said, any problem. I said, I've been nothing but nice to you, invited you into my home. You drank all my beer and flip flops. I said, I said, I've been nothing but nice to you. I said, this hot shot comment is a preconceived notion on what you think of my career might be. I said, I've never given you any indication or treated you with anything other than respect. And I've never put myself in a position where I've never put myself in a position where I, I think I'm better than you because of the type of career I have.

I said all that stuff is in with you. And it's really not my problem. It's yours. I said, and I think if we're going to be neighbors and our kids are going to be friends, you need to do some looking within because you got insecurity. That ain't about me, buddy. It's about you. And then he was like, he just like waited a moment.

He was like, it just pisses me off that you have a nice house. It just pissed me off that you got the nice house. And I'm sitting over here in an apartment with three kids in a different. two bedroom and I said buddy I swear to God I said I for him no dude I swear to Christ I'm not I'm not even I'm not even I'm not even making up the words I said because you know because in that moment you want to be compassionate but you also want to be crystal clear about boundaries that was very good I said I respect you for saying that noticing that I said I think you're doing I said I think your wife and kids really look up to you and probably love you and they don't think about these things

the way you think about these things I said but again as a man that ain't my problem that's your problem. I said, we all got to pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps. I'll be at New York Comedy Club at Stanford, July 23rd, 24th. That was an exact quote I said. Wanted by a pelle window? And what he said. And now he said, he just said, I forgot what he said, but we are, you know, not best friends. Smooth over. Smooth over. I think, I think sometimes tough love, respect. Yeah. Yeah, that's your, and then, and your better friends for it. But, but I told them, I told them, listen, I'm going to be honest with you though the way that I work though the way that I have to work is you did that which

you know kind of crossed me I'm not going to I'm never going to say yes for you to shovel my driveway yeah you're in an arm's length I will never say yes so you just got to understand that he said totally okay and then there was another snow story about three weeks later he was like can I shovel the driveway I said no you stick to your word I wanted to help him out he was like I in the money I said guy you know if I really needed money for my family I'm showing up at your house 20 minutes It's early. I'm not going to just, I said, you disrespect to me. I just can't allow it. I just can't allow it. But we're friends, our daughters are friends, things are good. But that's the only thing that I had so far, because you asked me of any problems with the names. That was the only thing in the town where the guy was a little bit like, you know, hey man, I'm not, you know me. I don't carry myself like I think who I am. That ain't me. I try to minimize myself. I heard a lot of your therapy coming through in that. Big time, dude. At the end of the day, most people are making red. Other people are making. you want to have a good relationship, make purple. Jesus Christ said that.

It's what it is. Corinthians. Make purple, baby. The Advent color. The Advent colors, that is. Shout out, you know, Lent. Easter? What's the next big one we got coming up now?

Now we're going into ordinary. We're an ordinary time right now, as the Catholic school. We're an ordinary time. Chilling. We're chilling. We're chilling. We got nothing really big brewing until, you know, we're Easter's done. We got nothing.

Christmas. Yeah, but no, we got a few before Christmas. We got All Saints Day. We got a few bangers. That's European. All Hallows Eve. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Devil shit to me. That's what it is. What time is it? I got physical therapy. Yeah, you got a roll. We got to get you out of here, bud. What time is it? What do we got?

It's 240. Shit, yeah, I got, I got PT about three blocks away. Indian guy. I told you. He's fucking guy. He lost 40 pounds on Red of True Tide. Kept all the muscle. I'm going to go to your doctor, and I got to get tight.

I got to get figured out. The G, everything, it's all about you guys are on dual agonists. It's all about. supposedly the triple agonist. The GLP, you want the GLP one, you want the glucagon, and you want the insulin sensitivity. Glucogon sounds like you're making it up. I've had glucagon. What they do?

Where they shoot it. I like it grilled. Yeah, not bad. All right. We got to go. He just keeps getting better and better. He's my favorite guy in the world. Every Thursday, you know where to find me.

New York Combin. Mr. Cephyde. Yes, he's fucking back. He's fucking back. All right. Kibby, what do you got for? Guys, we're over the road. Tickets on sale now.

We're going to be at the Netflix Festival. See us in LA. Yeah, the Balesco Theater. Get those tickets. Everybody's having trouble moving tickets at the goddamn festival. Get the tickets. Atlantic City, Portland, Maine. We're all over the place.

Get them fucking tickets, gang. Chrissy, we love you so much. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Guys, we love you, too. We'll see you next week.