Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tim Dillon: Long Island Trash

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by the great Tim Dillon. Its a fun one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage  Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

gang the middle-class famous tour is about to be in full effect come out and see us it's a great way to introduce some new people to the show so grab the homies grab the ladies the birds the bozos everybody and come see us yeah guys we're going to be in Hartford Albany Syracuse Atlanta Tampa Orlando Pittsburgh Buffalo we ain't done yet Detroit Denver Phoenix Salt Lake City check out go then over there to roseman and that's just the first leg of the tour gonna be coming so get the techies we'll see you there welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley hey everybody out there and

welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast this is our you garbage it's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they grew up to be classy or just a big old piece of trash i'm your hostage foley coming at you on a beautiful day down here in an totes basement she is a buzz upstairs so excited about our guests i have not seen her this happy she's on the phone she's telling the girls she's cleaning i assume it's the guest it could be the half a bottle of cough medicine that went missing it could be that i'm not really sure my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the ceo of are you garbage he's a ceo to cfo and the ceo and the last man to do that i think was jack weles from general electric yeah he's an international

businessman give it up for kevin james ryan hey gang thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you're a view subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube and as you know those numbers are true to roof cook and then obviously uh i'm contractually obligated by law to mention the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com slash are you garbage check it the fuck out ladies and gentlemen love that money and have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good give it up for t-bone Mcscruff and told me mcbuttons everybody well we're about to have a good ass time boys we're about to have fun gang we are all away we're freaking out this is why we play we are so excited to have our incredibly and i mean

incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time he is one of the funniest one of the most successful stand-up comedians and podcaster working today the man literally needs no interruption he is the host of the tim dillon show i feel like i'm on shark tank right now i'm freaking the fuck out give it up for tim dillon everybody thank you let's go thank god this worked out because me and h foley just would have been going out for the same roles the same depressing like crooked cop dot worker bloated body in the river like just read for that what are you talking sad like thank god we can do this because it was when i was not doing this it would just be five fat guys in a room yeah in midtown all staring at each other being like there can only be one

and you would just they would literally you'd go in like i audition for the sopranos movie you'd literally they just bring you in who'd you read for for that just some cop okay just some guy i read for the mayor oh yeah yeah yeah i mean you just walk in after an hour of sitting there and they go they say and then you don't drop your weapon they go do it again drop your weapon they're like all right i remember outside the stand one time we had just moved to new york and you walked out and he go well there i am and just pointed it fully you go that's me all right and then i left new york i said and then i gave it to him i said let her fat guy foley will take it and then the pizza guy rolls came flowing in yeah a fat guy has to relieve you from your job

just tap you out and then you go and then you leave see me punch in you punch out take off buddy we can't thank you enough for coming in thank you for having me i love the hoodie polo look at him this is a 3xl from dxl yes sir who does not sponsor me but should and what's great about when they make clothing for fat people is they go why do we make it loud and let's give them fatigues because they're not in the military and can't be but if they feel everything is the military when you're at a certain weight everything is an obstacle course to serve it yeah so they have this i don't know if you notice but these are polo horses i didn't notice that that's pretty classy oh it's classy it's real dj call it i got another one yeah buddy what is the origin story of tim

tell me to hold tell me to hold peace i mean long island kid long island guy you know mom's a schizophrenic dad's a failed musician cocaine at 13 uh you know smoke weed love the siggies uh boosted hard uh and it's all checks out see average uh public school up it's a holy trinity catholic school but really a public school uniform is one of the lower tier catholic schools you know our theater arts teachers would make out with kids in the hall like that type of school everybody's having fun playing a facet loose what's funny about that is that's true um price yeah um no brothers or sisters no brothers or sisters what about cousins was there a big family around one just died choking on a sandwich other ones a heroin addict i mean i swear that's not

true i swear to god what kind of sandwich do you know we don't know it was a godfather for sure other ones a heroin addict uh other one you know they're all it's all bad i am a gay ex-coke head comedian i'm the most successful by far like it's not even close um you know dad was going to be a musician that didn't work what did he actually do though what are you saying he wrote songs and sang how was it how are you paying the rent and the mortgage and stuff like that he was a wine salesman okay that's probably alright though he was he did that you know he did that and then my mother was a swim teacher she taught swimming wasn't really rolling in the dough let let it two words led to see money um what i feel like those lessons yeah i think those lessons took

place in an above ground pool for sure she collected beanie babies and has to even it out the keystone of trash yeah do you get a strike every year oh yeah sometimes it had a helicopter yeah those things are all right man as long as the batteries were good clean water when you come from the type of human filth i do your idea is that you will be saved by some kind of collectible yes state quarters are big most people put their effort or energy into like some type of functional business but my mother and many people like her felt that like if you waited on a long enough line yeah money was on the other end of it sure like if you just stuck it out in a line at burger king to get the fucking commemorative disney little mermaid toy set and you got 10 of them

and wrap them in plastic and put them under the bed one day that your ship was going to come in that's your 401k right is that stuff still out there is that still somewhere during hurricane sandy a lot of it floated down the street like you saw like princess diana bears and stuff just floating down the street hurricane sandy finally i think was the nail in the coffin yeah but every now and then my my uncle will go on ebay and sell one or two beanie babies so we could give my mother money at the mental institution is it too dark i'm sorry we've just started hey you're getting the golden playing this are you garbage should we even put a question mark was mcdonald's monopoly a big deal mcdonald's monopoly was huge my friends parents

collected marbara miles hey i mean i did my family yeah like they had coats they had a tent yeah sleeping bag yeah they had an entire outdoors yeah a canteen a marbara canteen my friend shea mcgula had a Italian kid so just a few ideas uh yeah yikes what was the house was single family home single family home two stories not a bad house we had an in-ground pool that's good because my mother taught swimming in it okay which is uh which was nice she did it at the house she did it at the house that's the equivalent of cutting hair in the garage yeah that's the house every now and then she she would also do it in the the rec she'd do it at the rec center but she was like you know you get the private money sure in the house the money's in the in calls

yeah the inside work hey listen we could do it at the rec center or we can lower a little bit i pocket most of the cash we just shocked the pool come on over so that's where uh that's where they were at not big savers of money where does where where do they come from but they so how back is the irish forever so my grandfather came over to this country with his four on a boat okay uh he was really successful he ended up being like a millionaire multi-millionaire general contractor worked his way up dad's dad mom's dad yeah dad's dad okay and my father inherited absolutely none of the ambition drive intelligence grit determination or longing for his family to have a better life my dad got none of that he uh he did like a couple of cocktails but he didn't inherit anything else

my father's um family a little bit of money but again it was the old generation where you didn't get any of it right so you didn't get any but a lot of it went to the church my mother's father damn died of a heart attack because he was big into amphetamines big in a taken he was a drunk and he took pills jesus and then my mother's ahead of his time my mother's mother was a saint my grandmother who i loved who like helped raise me she raised two kids no husband because he had you know od or whatever and then he leaves with od or whatever and then my dad's family had money ripped it from the eulogy i like it my dad's family lived in mutton town which is a really nice part of long island with like jennifer anthony jennifer uh lopez mark anthony lived

okay uh it's like brookville mutton town they lived in a really nice my girlfriend a two-acre home pool tennis court all that stuff that's the crazy thing about long island is how mixed in the money and the trash yes like insane like gatsby homes yes like in the oh some of the oldest money in in the country and then we have levittown where people are falling down on fentanyl right there in a diner yeah so it's a real uh chasm damn yeah that is fucking so that's the origin that's and you went to college no well i saw a community college and then i dropped out okay i went to nasa community college i was on the debate team i enjoyed that probably dunking on people dunking on people real good real good at that um then i got into

selling mortgages right because my my debate partner had a range rover and i said oh yeah what do how do you do this he goes you sell mortgages i'm like great so i started that and then uh cocaine came back into the picture in a nice way stop by for the weekend yeah and then some pills a little perk a doodle do perk a doodle don't that was probably the time that was probably in their heyday when pills started really yeah they were like no one knew anything at that my morning routine was a bacon egg and cheese two eggs over medium salt pepper ketchup bacon obviously cheese uh american cheese on a roll kaiser roll kaiser roll untoasted gotta be soft unless i will complain

a double tall non-fat lot takes and being responsible okay uh and two perk a doodle dinks perk a doodle do's perkies and uh about eight uh new port cigarettes on the way to work that's a good morning it's a good okay it's a good breakfast morning i may say i'm radio all right helps you shit you get to the office you take a shit for about 30 minutes you sit down at your desk for about two minutes everything settles you take a 20 25 minute shit and then you come back and start the day that's all right and there's a lot of people doing that right now shout out to those shout out to the people oh man take a 25 minute perk a set shit at work couple of perks and a cup of coffee in the morning ain't too shabby i'll tell you that right now that first

bernie's in there it was new ports it was new ports i started you know and now i'm like back i go on and off the six what do you smoke now marbora lights every now and then you gotta get a gentleman's egg i started with marbora reds that me and my friend shea would steal out of his mother of course they bought by the carton yeah we started with red then check this for no reason at all we went to basic unfiltered jesus christ this guy's a madman at 13 years old basic unfiltered just because we're like fuck it why not because his grandmother had basic unfil- so then we just got like some bargain we used to have to stand outside of like a of course like a deli or something lazy cow whatever and uh we'd have to go hey can you buy us a pack of cigarettes and people would

which was nice of course that's how you got back then people would go hey make you give me a pack of cigarettes back then now nobody would ever do anything back then people get federal charges vanilla six so we we were basic unfiltered then we said all right this is fucking old and stupid we went to marbora mental lights and we we chilled with those for a while it's like a candy can and then the new port stayed around for the vast majority of um and then i switched off the new ports because they were tough i went back to marbora red and then eventually the marbora lights there you go we did we did noobs too yeah for some reason you're like 14 because they're around they're around the people that good marketing back in the day too they made those beach parties look all right

they also tell you that it increases your high 15 percent it does have a new port app tell you because of the fiberglass it takes you to the next that's right and it cuts it cuts your long it does if you smoke weed if you're watching this you're a kid smoke a new port afterwards because it just puts you in that right frame sure of course of course when you when people would buy you sigs you would stand out there and wait and you would like you could always tell by the car like whatever car put up you're like this guy is a fun this guy was there a main guy that you that you knew no it we would just stand outside and it's horribly embarrassing when they say no we're 14 years old and they're like no i can't do that you can always

tell we would all if the guy if a guy got out and left his car running you're like that guy will buy sigs sure somebody's smoking was a good sign yes of course and we would give them five bucks a pack was probably like two seventy five or three bucks yes you can keep the change we'll give you five you can keep the change i don't almost get you a pack there's something in it for you you wait you're being we used to go hey go in there get get me two vanilla Dutchers and two packs of new ports and uh you know thank you so much yeah and then if they said yes we'd be like fuck yeah and then i remember one time this was great this was literally this is where we go like this we go hey because they also had sandwiches we go

grab us a sandwich get me me both so well yeah i goes i'm not getting you a fucking sandwich because you can get a fuck i'm like well you're already in there there's no point of both of us being i'm not getting light on the mail okay couple of sun chips for the gang too so eventually uh you know he just came it got us a six but yeah and then eventually come here sandwich and then eventually we got the guy in town who didn't care yeah the uh the the the the guy who just sold you the six oh yeah you find that guy for sure you find the guy so day to day basis your mom and your mom and dad were taking care of you and stuff like that so you said your grandmother kind of raised you well my mother and father were doing what boomers did which is like you they put you on a school bus

sure they drop you off at a thing they go good luck we wish you well i was an actor when i was uh they thought i was gonna make money as an actor as a kid i was a good looking little kid so they're like now they didn't have to wear with all the pimp me out yeah like they should have you know what i mean they tried to play it straight they tried to play straight bad movie you should have just sent photos of my ass all over hollywood but i was a bad actor trying to book a role here i was a bad actor i had this voice at seven it was horrible anybody got a light yeah i was i was like a cute and i'd walk in and i would audition for like big movies like man in the house with johnny the tale of thomas they'd be like all right so now you're going out with your dad and he's divorced and

you know you you're connecting with him again and but you feel awkward and i get the script and i'd be like okay i'd be like mom is okay i'm okay too and then they would be so horrified so i didn't book anything for years but that's what my parents thought they're get out of jail free car you were their beanie baby you were the next beanie baby i was the next hestra yeah um what was the grocery store that you went to growing up out there food town food town oh yikes food town not good food that ain't gonna meet farms out there no i don't think it was a meat farms we there was either a wall bombs but growing up it was food town that's man yeah why you don't like you don't want to get some briars vianetta remember the briars buddy you would slide yeah

that was that when that thing hit they were marketing exclusively to trash yeah exclusively to trash when somebody every once in a while somebody would show up for dinner on a weekday and that thing would come out of the fucking freezer and you would think we were a fucking lacerque in the court yeah sitting next to fucking Madonna yeah you hear the crack when you sliced it open very fancy but the briars vianetta is basically they like they were marketing to people they go you're not going to be able to afford to go anywhere with a v Vegas Venice this is the only v word you'll ever volvo nothing nothing yeah this is the only word with a v you'll ever say in your life dude they made the commercial there was people smoking in the commercial they

made it look so classy you know what i used to like i used to love a little jello no bake a jello no bake don't even know what that is no big pie a no big pie yeah a jello no big pie where you would just you would just kind of whip up a pudding put cookies in it yes i mean let it sit and it was nice you know about dirt yeah my aunt used to make it every year for for like she still did we're all 30 we're all 30 and out of rehab i got the gummy worms she's making dirt gummy worms in it she's doing it in like a like a planner like fancy people would put it they'd go to the store by like a planner yeah and put it in there it looked like real dirt it was disgusting and i would tell her i'd go where somebody's people getting out of rehab here for dope uh it's not

it's not cute to eat dirt they're eating literal dirt they're eating literal dirt they they're living in flop houses they're sucking dick for smack sure i don't think that dirt's not cute anymore it's not fun to pretend that we don't have anything hang hang back with the cookie puss will you trying to get my head on straight with a couple cigarettes and a stiff drink no why did we think that was cool dirt because we're trash i saw it at a birthday party it was cool as a kid mine when you were when i got out there was gummy worms in there i fucking called my mom anytime you would see a cake i remember a friend of mine had a cake with a wave on it whoa yeah a wave yeah that wasn't any time you saw a cake like that you're like

how do you feel about people are living yeah the cookie cake the cookie cake like remember back in the day they got big they started i'm i like it it's not enough i don't you know what i mean like i don't i don't like anything it's not it was honest answer i've ever heard to me cookies are not the thing they're a thing to enjoy it's like an appetizer a plate of cookies are like you're on the dessert line and you're trying to just keep yourself good until you sit down sure cookies are not like the cookie cake i'm like what the fuck is this now you put ice cream like you gotta you gotta jazz it up a little yeah three layers and up at the fully yeah we were big on the watermelon roll from friend that was that was a treat during mortgages when

everything was really hitting the ground quickly i would stop at a friendlies do a jim dandy at two o'clock in the afternoon just a five scoop jim dandy at two o'clock in the afternoon alone what's a jim dandy it's a five scoop sunday from friendlies with any type of ice cream you choose it had fudge strawberry marshmallow whipped cream sprinkles banana it was a fucking jim day was fantastic jim dandy friendlies was all right i was a big fribble man back in great a good fribble they made a good burger too back in the day they made a good burger their way around a steak fry they were all right i'm not throwing a new wrinkled clam chatter out of my mouth if i'm a friendlies your little clam strip in there i loved friendlies kip let's talk about mint mobile mint mobile

let's talk about it baby let's talk on the phone wondering why you could talk on the phone why is that because they're not banging you over the head with contracts hidden fees this that the other thing you're not gonna believe it 15 a month that's how they're doing it over that mint mobile $15 a month not too shabby if one of your goals for 2022 is to stop paying insane amount of bills every month for wireless switching to mint mobile is the easiest way to save this year like the big man said just 15 bucks uh with mint mobile you choose the amount of monthly data that is right for you and stop paying data that you stop paying for data that you never use genius use your own phone with any mint mobile plan to keep your same phone number along with all your existing contracts

or contacts there's no need for you know switching over go reset the thing plug it in pull it out bam like i've said my wife's been using it for years she's a big fan it's easy peasy why sign up for you know one of those big box contracts where they got your kids in college or whatever got you hold over the coals hey that's where they get you so to get your new wireless plan for just 15 beans a month uh and get the plan shipped to your door for free go to mint mobile dot com slash garbage that's mint mobile dot com slash garbage cut your wireless build a 15 bucks a month mint mobile dot com slash garbage do it camp let's talk about movement baby mint talk about movement the romantic season is in the air valentine's day is right around the corner

movement knows that they're already looking out for you if you got to pick up your best guy your best gal or whoever got to pick them up something for valentine's day think about a nice watch think about a nice ceramic uh bracelet that they got over there yeah they got 18 site-wide sale 18 carifying jewelry pieces special edition styles stuff you're not gonna find anywhere else but movement look at that uh and you can save on these gifts right now just choose a watch and a matching accessory and get immediate 20 off your order plus free shipping and free returns as always they got us we're we got the gear we each got a watch we got the glasses my lady uses the glasses watch sunglasses the whole night i'm i'm dripped out over they keep you yeah the drip is fresh and it ain't

and it don't break the bank very affordable that's their whole thing looking good for affordable shop 20 off today with free shipping and free returns by going to mvmt.com slash garbage go to mv mvmt.com slash garbage for your most stress-free valentine's day gift giving mvmt style shouldn't break the bank join the movement do it yeah i love carvel carvel so good i still do it's the best that guy's voice sold it yes yeah the best soft serve ice cream in a planet great shakes you gotta be an entomance guy too i presume entomance was great my favorite there's a few entomance but the one that i really like there's a few of them that are really good there's a chocolate chip cake there's an entomance chocolate chip cake well first of all there's the entomance

devil's food with the marshmallow that's it that's it that's it now let me tell you what you do with that you hold it you you freeze it you let it get frozen you hold it upside down so that the icing is like a plate and then you eat the cake on top yeah after it's been frozen and it helps to be high and it helps to be unemployed a couple of new people want to focus i did that with tasty cakes i would always eat them upside down because you want the icing i want that to hit my tongue you want to take like sushi good sushi tell you fish first yeah same thing i remember i found out i was watching an ice cream documentary one time uh not that long i mean what are we doing what are we doing what we're supposed to be on a diet we just got you a trainer and they showed you the proper

way to eat ice cream they said don't use the spoon down because the cold spoon hits your tongue yeah and it desensitizes your taste buds it's better to flip it over yeah i've been flipping ever since people like me and ace foley like the trainer starts very like we're gonna and then like like a month in the trainer's like the trainer's like just when you're out to dinner if you because it starts with like we're not eating out we're doing this we're planning meals we're putting them in top wear it's suited becomes just have one dessert yeah like they get fat share an appetizer our trainer's going to get fat um he literally just said that because we're leaving to go on the road for a couple days he's like after the show if you get a burger have a burger don't get the fries

maybe only have half a bun half a bun well we come from the worst diet advice ever which was like this like every diet that was pitched in the 90s was like you can have it all just be accountable yeah if you eat that raw cookie note just have water later in the day it all balances out snack well cookies were a big fucking remember snack well they were like don't deprive yourself yeah i'm like that's not what we need to hear we've never deprived ourselves never never even thought about it yeah like my mother like we talk about this on my show they all did this thing called deal a meal where you give so trash cards and then you go oh i get a cheat card and i have a and then there was stop the insanity this this lesbo susan powder with shaved head and she'd be

like just eat whatever just do this and so like my fat mother and her friends would do this in the living room and then there was richard simons and then jenny jenny craig neutrosystem sure the slim fast slim fast curves i master i shake away i bow the whole nine yards all of it slim fast was fucking all right i still like a slim i used to have i didn't know i used to have them with meals i thought they were chocolate i used to sit there with a bag of so good and fast they're not bad no they're all right that chocolate one's good what were the snacks when you were a kid what would your mom get what would you have what was your lunches like free reign of it so what i love i'm a big sandwich guy i love like a uh ham and cheese turkey cheese peanut

butter and jelly i love it i love a cold sandwich white bread we're talking white bread mayonnaise cold sandwich like kept in the refrigerator from the night before i kind of liked that but i was a big school lunch guy fish sticks tater tots sure can't drink beans um pizza day on friday pizza day was awesome was amazing i love hot dog day franks and beans were great and i went to a high school they had chicken parm meatball what i got chicken farms at your high school my high school i go to an olive garden we had a great food i would go back to that high school today um i think it's illegal but i would because they're they're meatball parm they're chicken parm their uh bacon cheeseburgers were fucking amazing barbecue chicken sandwich really good

but snacks growing up me and my friend were little stoners our favorite food ever was barbecue chicken pizza in a just debuted and the barbecue pizza we were a test market the bar i remember when i came out the barbecue chicken pizza was at this restaurant called jacks which later got shut down for selling cocaine they would sell the best food though when you order the white we had munchies when you order the white pie it was blow literally and it was selling cocaine but we would also go we'd also i also want a white pie we want that we want to get two white pies and a chicken bar we're starving um but the thing with the barbecue chicken pizza it was just a regular pizza and they would take breaded chicken cutlets chop them up and throw them in this

i don't know if you've ever had open pit barbecue sauce now open pit i'm gonna teach you a lesson of trash open pit is and people can google it it is a tangy metallic tasting reddish brown it is the sauce that they serve at most bars with steak tidbits or with things like that it's that kind of you eat it it's like tang it's really catching here it gets you in there it's a real most people just don't love it i've gotten addicted to it now if you heat it up it becomes like yeah this chemical and what they would do is just throw these chicken cutlets they toss it with this open pit which i've become addicted to and just throw it on the regular pizza and then hit it with another layer of mozzarella so you get this regular slice of pizza sausage cheese on top of that man just

barbecue chicken energy and you were just killing it so we would love that that was a big thing for us i just want to go on record real quick and say this is the greatest episode ever right now i am fucking rock hard as we speak when you said they hit it with another layer of mozzarella my eyes rolled back in my head we loved when we would get high because we get high and we would love uh the original grilled stuffed burrito at taco bell the original which had the creamy pepper jacks remember the original i've tweeted after my the original menu at taco bell was a fucking top shelf ring back to grill some burrito and then the original Monterey ran chicken sandwich at wendy's he's lighting up when he's talking about bacon in the ranch chopped up bacon in the ranch it was

in a gold wrapper fuck you you know exactly what i'm talking about it was a i'm not sure they tried the class chicken patty Monterey whatever thing cheese Monterey jack Monterey jack if it wasn't um and Monterey jack cheese lettuce tomato bacon and then ranch with bacon in it it was yeah it was something else those were the things i remember growing up obviously i love mcdonald's flat fishes i love the roi roger's fixin bar i love the pizza hot enough love a pizza hut lunch buffet oh come on going to one of them it's a hot lunch buffet all the right things they were like 395 or so it was so cheap four dollars and you could eat for the week and then they had a dessert pizza a little caramel apple dessert peanut worse i mean christ what was the going after dinner

situation for the dillens as a kid what would be a well so my uncle was a big restaurant guy so every now and then we'd get to go to one of these restaurants in the city yeah that's what's so interesting about you you're from that but you have i have some very high end i have some high end taste because my uncle is a big restaurant guy so we used to get to go we used to get to go to restaurants and eat really nice food every now and then would it be known that it's we're going at with uncle oh yeah and would the parents go or he would take you the parents would go the parents but we'd all go the family sure but everybody knew he was paying oh yeah everyone knew that they didn't have to pay i thought they were going everybody but then so big night out for us would

be like you know maybe my parents hated each other so it was rare that they both go out but when they both go out it would be to some local diner or a place called itkins and valley stream which was like an old you know like an old like malt shop and old ice cream part of great ice cream socket to me sunday 15 scoops a lot of people yeah oh you're sharing everything but but the kitchen sink sunday yeah 15 scoops um little bacon ranch on there yeah it was wild they would go to usually would be a diner or maybe a little greek place or diner or a place called mcquades like a birthday dinner graduation dinner what are we thinking maybe an italian spot any chains applebees all of it fridays so we grew up with fridays and out back a little towards the

outback came in later fridays was a go-to the tostado nachos where you split a taco shell down the middle hit it with refried the cheese um fridays when they brought out to jack daniel's pulled pork sandwich it changed my life yeah i get it the jack daniel's man that was your 9 11 the jack you're not kidding every week the jack daniel's menu at fridays made me know what was possible in a way outside of long island yeah in a way that i couldn't understand i was like why yeah is this so fucking good i don't know what they put that you want to hear an order this is my order of fridays you want to get right go in there i said the odor is a kid as a child she's this is what i used to do listen honey get your patent paper i'm not gonna remember all the tostado nachos

salad with because i love the friday salad because they loaded it with cheese croutons that's right cheddar cheese get the breadsticks salad with ranch tostado nachos salad with ranch pulled pork sandwich that comes with french fries add on to that the loaded big potato oh now the loaded big potatoes what little kids get the loaded big has a divorce going buddy smart holy shit a smart one because here's what i would do i would get the extra jack daniel sauce and it would go right into the potato and then like you have this loaded big potato with jack daniel sauce it's still every now and then if i'm on the road i'll go into fridays get a loaded mash throw some jack daniel sauce on there and eat it what are your parents saying when you're

when you're making this order they're kind of just fine with it they're just like impressed that i can order i'm like you know a lot of kids are like yeah yeah yeah tell them what you want that's you're speaking to a lot of a lot of kids you're like you know so at least you're like you can talk uh-huh yeah you know i'm like oh the tostado nachos are they good today um who's cooking but you know that the answer to that is they were horrible parents yeah well i feel like the 90s like that was wide open no the 90s listen nobody cared the boomer and i'm working on a book right now about boomers and the way they parented and it's really like amazing to watch the difference between the way we were parented crazy parents

might have said a few times hey you should go to college but they took no interest like the idea of like them like going around the schools with you for like the weekend oh won't you have fun here you'll like it here like they were such deeply selfish people that had no designs on me becoming a productive human being at all they were incredibly selfish you know um you know morally questionable demons from hell we basically were just sharing sounds like a nice little Saturday i mean you know guys were like roommates we were rude we were just kind of like hanging out yeah we're just hanging out i get it no yeah for sure i remember even like thank you i don't think i went on visit i went to i visited one college i think by myself yeah i used to smoke cigarettes in my

grandmother's house when i was like 13 14 just in the house did she know they knew she knew yeah i would smoke cigarettes in the house they didn't care they didn't yeah that's fucking my friend's mother used to let us do coke we eat everything everybody my parents didn't do that they hated drugs everybody's got that one friend's house yeah i was i remember sitting in something like i shouldn't fucking be here right this is bad right this is not great you're always thinking like when are your parents coming home yeah they just never be around and then they're home and they're doing drugs with us and we're like oh my friend's mother was a prostitute really she made a lot of money in the 70s in the city high-end call girl and bought a house and everything great good looking

like yeah she was then uh-huh she knew how to she knew how to package as she said clean the pipes oh her words not mine over a white pie yeah all right let's get into some queues here because we want to find out where you stand on a lot of stuff yeah we yeah you're gonna set you you know we claim to be experts at it but you you can really set the tone or set those i can lay the wall yeah with certain things before that though what was your first stupid purchase when you got when you when you got money what was the range over and i sold it months later really because with the supply chain you can sell it pretty easily i just realized i'm like it was way too much money for a car um and how long ago is this just somewhat a year ago really yeah and i just realized

i'm like i don't care that much immediately you go i don't care like i drive it for a while it's nice great fucking car but then i go eh i don't need it i'd rather have the money for other shit what is it now what are you whipping around in right now i just have rentals but i think i'm gonna get an electric okay i want to click an electric irivian one of those new ones i got on a list for that list yeah damn the list and he's in a different he's in a different category no more jack daniel sauce for this game i'll pay it out right now in irivian yeah just because quietly but it's it's not that expensive though it'll be a lease that that you know you you uh you'll pay the lease through your business of course smoking the car well i mean when you lease

you can't i like how that's what you're worried about like that's going to come back somebody at the Ford dealership coming after you well i don't know i mean we're trying to stop i stop for months and then i go back and i start eating the car you have to i mean you you you those big potatoes don't hold all right that's the best answer ever i mean you have to i did it it's my favorite thing is going to the drive through with the radios on listening to something and i'm just fucking drive through food if you eat it in your home you feel insane that's i never got that i pull up in park right away and eat absolutely right away yeah you bring it to your house and unflagged unwrapped it put it on a plate kitchen table your psychotic have you ever seen mcdonnell's

on a plate that means people are way too comfortable i'm like oh you've settled in for this life of hell yeah that's not real weird i've seen it i've seen mcdonnell's on a plate the only one you could get away with a little bit is kfc sure that's it yeah they sold that hard yeah that's bring it home to the thing because it's in bigger portions too it's not in self-serve portions i mean i man kfc honey barbecue wings which they've discontinued uh i mean kfc was a beautiful part of when they started fucking with dessert when they were giving out whole cakes well they used to have something called a little bucket parfait that unbelievable there was strawberry and there was chocolate and they were unbelievable and the truck went had it's ordered off menu what the fuck's going on

i never even heard of happiness it was unbelievable sherry here they got him in the back it was unbelievable it had a layer of um uh like a graham cracker on the bottom putting and then a whipped cream and then a uh the foil on top oh the foil i've never come on the chocolate sprinkle had just kind of like the dye of the sprinkle it kind of started to bled out a little bit bled out a little bit and it bled out onto the whipped cream that's the flavor i have offered thousands of dollars to get one of them and i cannot like i would buy them like i've offered thousands of dollars for it so if you're gonna be sitting somewhere in a i hope something kip you like helix mattresses love helix mattress i'll say one more time you like helix mattresses no i love

helix mattress that's right and of course we all do because you don't got to wander around some mattress store like a bozo on a saturday doofus you go over to the website you take the quiz takes about two three minutes you're in and out of there they tell you exactly what kind of mattress would be best for you could be a sleep hot could be a sleep cold could be you're on the bigger side you need a little more cushion for the pushing like old hank does they got you covered kip he's a client i know uh they were nice enough to send us one of the good folks at helix me and my wife like i've said millions of times took the two minutes lee quiz we got the twilight model loved it so much queen size i put on a couple pounds we upgraded the king look at that right

swimming in a twilight helix mattress loving life so first adult mattress i've ever had guys i can't stress it enough get involved with helix if you're in the market for a mattress helix is awesome but don't take our word for it helix was awarded number one best overall mattress picked by 20 for 2020 by gq and wired magazines that's nothing to shake a stick at gq let's go uh multiple leading chiropractors and doctors leave medicine offered as a go-to solution for improving sleep so just go to helix sleep dot com slash garbage take the two minute sleep quiz and they'll match you with the customized matches that'll give you the best sleep of your life helix is offering up to 200 dollars 200 beans up to 200 clams of all matching orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helix sleep

dot com slash garbage one more time that's helix sleep dot com slash garbage now back to the show to the show now go to a restaurant i know it's very food heavy yeah uh sparkling or still still really in a bottle or tap it depends where i am new york always tap yeah really see thank you you're not getting the bottle just for the show your tap is better than everything wow but if i'm in LA where it's like cancer then you get still a bottle still so it's only at a necessity i figured you'd have a bottle of pellegrino on the table just for shits no i don't like i don't drink anything with bubbles yes really i've never drank soda i've never drank beer i was an alcoholic i drank only hard liquor wow yeah i'm stunned right i don't like carbonation really it's odd but i don't like

oh when you're out to dinner anywhere will you take a bite and then sip your drink do you bite and sip or do you separate them no i kind of eat for a while and then i'll drink then i eat for a while then i drink here's a big one yeah go out to dinner appetizers hit the table appetizers are done you're sitting there you got the friends everyone's talking hanging out do you think it's okay to go out for a cigarette and come back before dinner gets there it is okay no it's not now i don't know it's not dude he's done it's not and we agreed whatever he says yeah that's in the fucking bible no i don't i don't usually do it i don't usually do it it's trashy it's trashy yeah it's not okay it's trashy it's not the right thing to do but it's nice but you eat it's allowed

it's allowed i don't know listen i'm from i'm from the school of three or four hour marathon dinners where people leave in common back they're on the phone and getting in fights outside they come back in that's what i'm talking about you know people have a lot of things going on yeah you're waiting on somebody i have friends who would go out and you know and do a 20 minute phone call during dinner and then come back in you know like that type of that type of scumbag i mean i'll do it like that type of scumbag you know that guy who does fuck give me a give me a minute and then he's out there and he walks back in like nothing happened yeah i had a buddy just recently go let me know when she gets here i'm like i'm not fucking calling you outside to come back in

so you can place your fucking order uh all right uh i got one for that we've never really talked about how do you feel about hibachi restaurants hate him hate him hate him uh the food's never good i don't like the show okay and i don't like the people that are into the show i'm there to eat i don't need a show i don't want to see the smoke go through the onion yeah sure okay no i'm not none of that's for me to shrimp tastes like shit everything sucks i don't like it you would never sit with another party i don't want that yeah okay all right what do you stand on split in the check where you at i hate it hate it hate it okay hate it so what do you do what's the move you get them the next time okay you get them the next time now for many years i was the guy that

got you the next time there was no next time there was not gonna be until about three weeks ago i was my dad tells a great story about a guy who used to always get everyone at the office to go out for lunch let's go here for lunch you want to go here for lunch and then you get you know everybody would eat and then the guy go like this got a little light and then everyone would pay for the guy and the guy just kept getting away with it i'm a little light it's such a dirtbag line oh man i'm a little light i'm trying to save a little bit of i'm a little bit like i'm a little i got about eight bucks little one a great line a little light it's fantastic that's the yikes anybody in the family addicted to nicotine gum oh interesting i think they all just smoke okay i mean we're doing it let's

fucking do it yeah i mean i don't think that's not pussy there's most of your family smoke uh they all used to some of them have quit we don't i don't see them as much anymore i don't know everyone lies my family's liars all right i like that so they'll say they quit but no one's quit okay hmm will you tell the waiter it's someone's birthday at the table no i hate it when it's someone's birthday okay you don't sing no i don't i don't even care about the because you don't even get shit anymore really for it it used to be like you get something free now you don't even get it yeah yeah it's like they just go happy birthday and then you don't give me something for free so fuck you people who ask is real trashy yeah as a waiter i have any people come up so what do

you guys do for people's birthdays right that's trash drop the check somebody else yeah what do you do we pay a month of their rent yeah why is it your birthday uh will you stay at a hotel on the first floor no will you swim in the uh in the hotel pool will you go for a dip oh yeah okay unafraid room service all around so we were just talking about room service is the reason to stay in a hotel really i've never really been in a hotel that had a good setup like i mean here's the deal there's only a few hotels in america to do it with a common with a literal table with china and a white cloth you know and they i mean the Beverly Hills hotel the mark in new york city there's a few hotels where they'll bring a porterhouse to the room whoa that's crazy a porterhouse some

french fries maybe a quesadilla 2 a.m. look at Beverly Hills hotel when i'm staying there in LA now i have my apartment i don't have to stay there but i used to just tell my friends meet me at my room and i would just order a shitload of rooms there's something about room service it just feels good cozy it's fun feels good to eat in the room feel like you're gaming the system a little bit that's right yeah are we still flying coach at all never really first class all the time are you paying or never never again i'll never fly coach i'd rather literally die i'd rather get on a plane it's crashing in first class well i knew it was gonna crash than sit and coach again i would never literally i would get on a plane where they go this has one engine the other one we don't know

but we're you're in first okay okay all right i'm a big dude you can't you can't coach is it not fun i like it i like it i like it hmm any lottery winners in the family anything like that sadly no my mother used to go like this she used to tell people she used to go you gotta buy scratch offs in bad areas because there's more winners because the government wants to help those people oh my god holy shit wow that's a little fun fact right there that's holy that was mama that's that's next level dirtbag right there uh will you put potato chips on a sandwich you know i never loved it but i'm not against it but i never loved it okay okay i never loved it but i don't hate it do you own an air fryer someone bought me one i've never used okay

how do you feel about it person supposing air fryers change your life yeah because every fat person is on and off keto every fat person talking to the baddest people you know we're on the keto the fattest people you know if you know and they all they go it's just you hit it with the air fryer just hit a pork chop but an air fryer i'm not doing it i don't care much about it fuck that uh will you take food on a plane like will you buy it in the terminal not really okay not really anymore you're eating the airplane food though right yeah i'll eat the food on the plane okay you know it's respectable i like it you take your shoes off when you fly no okay take your shoes off in anybody's house yeah you do some people's house yes what about you do you at

your house is the shoes off i don't require it but some people do okay it really depends it's like i'm not i'm not like a nazi about it it's not a basket up front by the door no i'm not enough i don't kind of carry the way okay what are your thoughts on cauliflower rice and i've tried that i mean i'm not gonna lie i don't even mention if i name i've i've had a poke i've ran into it at a party i've had a poke bowl in la with cauliflower rice and it's like this ready something's missing it's like i'm surviving yeah yeah that that's what you feel like when you eat it you go i am surviving i will survive do you fuck with any of the foam dishes that are popular now when you go to place it as the foam dishes oh like a really high-end molecular gastronomy

yeah whoa what the fuck was that well that's what the foam is holy molecular gastronomy meaning that they they they change the uh you know the states of food they make things into jellies and foams and whatever yeah fuck with it's never been my favorite but i'll i'll have a little fun you're more of an up-to-middle american steakhouse well i like a corporate steakhouse i like a menu that i know by heart like i know my best friend's secrets like i want everything to be the same all the time if that fucking salad dressing is different i like a menu where it's the menu is planned in a boardroom there's a flowchart about this yeah they also i used to go to all the high-end restaurants and molecular gastronomy should like that right i used to do all of that but

now you've settled back and i could still enjoy some of that but if you ask me the restaurants that i grew up in that i really love is steakhouses okay who does it shrimp cocktail liners potato ribeye black and blue little porterhouse iceberg iceberg with a little cheese wedge a shrimp scampia baked clams a little oysters Rockefeller yeah i mean that's where i that's where i'm living do you think appetizers should be ordered individually or should they be ordered for the table for the table and shared they should never be ordered individually do you think it's trashy if multiple people at the same table order the same dish i would go this far okay i almost think at a steakhouse there should be a little meeting up front and then one person should order for the

whole table we just did that yeah just have a meeting just have a meeting have a little meeting what do you like your medium rare you this you that you're rare your medium will compromise a medium rare what do we do it's just a family stuff thing let's one guy come here here are the apps we want here are the entrees we want it is not an individual thing i think you order steak for the table sides for the table yes that to me is the steakhouse experience that's what i believe kids all right that's what i believe and it's all right yeah you know and that's what i was taught if you go out to dinner if you if you're bringing your friends out to dinner it's tim's dinner yeah are you are you you're leading that charge you're handling i'm usually leading the charge because

my friend get letting my friends order would be like giving them ape the constitution telling them the fashion of effective government like my friends are idiots and they'll mispronounce words and they don't know anything and they're googling shit yeah i like it when you do when you do a steakhouse you gotta start with a shellfish tower if you can if cold seafood tower cold seafood tower gentlemen first thing to hit the table is a cold seafood tower first thing boom boom oyster shrimp lobster crab little clams whatever that's out cold appetizers are done oh then you bring in the hot appetizers if you're gonna do any of them maybe it's a warm goat cheese salad maybe it's a lobster bisque it's not my business what you do maybe it's a baked clams maybe it's a shrimp

scampi whatever it is maybe it's a gorgonzola bread a garlic bread with gorgonzola cheese sauce yeah a little bit but there's gotta be a little hot appetizer yes actually just a little a little nibble then there's a salad for the table then you hit the porterhouse for 234 whatever the agrotten the line eight whatever you want to do cream spinach cream spinach broccoli garlic and oil sparragas whatever how's that steak cooked i like rare but on certain cuts i'll go medium rare wow you're a rare i'm a rare guy yes sometimes i'll do a medium it's that nope sometimes i'll do a medium rare if it's a rib eye the fattier steak the longer it should be cooked so if you do a rib eye steak really should be medium rare filet or anything like that is rare to black and

blue sushi great um damn but a bone in new york strip usually rare plus that's the term you go rare plus yeah meaning rare but a little more than rare if you're doing a bone in strip anything with a bone you're going to do rare plus rib eyes medium rare anything strip steaks filets rare to black and blue pittsburgh style which is sushi fucking laying it down but everyone's fucking taking no take notes jesus who in new york does that well for you just ask him flat out what's your favorite state council in york quality meats is a one that i really like but i mean i i love lugars and old homestead and smith and willins keys and strip house and quality meats and quality italian i i love you know mariah which is a pasta restaurant did a great 50 day age creek stone but

they're not they're no longer doing that cut anymore which upsets me um every here's the thing about new york every single restaurant french italian everything they have a great new york steak on the menu if it's a good restaurant yeah every restaurant in new york city has a usually great new york strip on the menu he didn't say ours i know you put yours keens now we haven't been to keens yet we're gallegers men i've been to gallegers i don't dislike gallegers i don't dislike gallegers shit where do we gotta be going we've been to quality meats yeah i don't dislike gallegers i think again for me steak is very similar it's never about the steak that's what that's what we were talking like hey they all do a really good they all do a pretty good

they'll give a few points this way or that way what i like about quality meats is they're they have homemade ice creams their desserts are sick their shellfish tower is insane their sides they do a gnocchi and cheese instead of a mac and cheese which is great yeah quality meats was fantastic yeah quality meats is good but listen i've gone to gallegers and it's good too yeah okay you're on your way relax get over a hundred thousand old patreon and call me we're still doing medium well over here i don't know what no we're learning you don't do no what are you nuts all right i say hold on just get up it's like call me a commie what the fuck god damn american is bullshit what was the pet situation growing up was there any two cats one named sam one named

mariner because the cats but we jumped off a boat and swam to shore jesus you know sam died and was like eat like frozen in a position and my mother left it in the room for three days whoa no dogs because my mother said she was allergic but we found out that was a lie that's awesome yeah rules of an iron fist over there what are your thoughts on fish tanks so it's there's a certain type of house that can really do it certain type there's a certain part of the country if i if i walk into an arizona desert mansion i want to see some tropical fish you know what i mean if you've done well outside of scott's tail i want you to show me with brightly colored fish yeah show me a shark or something yeah there's certain types of the country certain

parts of the country new york it should be not allowed unless you're in long island if you're in long island you might be able to get away with it florida i'm big into it okay i'm big into a big fish tank in florida palm springs california out in the desert uh arizona these are where fish tanks were allowed okay are allowed yeah oh god how do you feel about leftovers i hate them i hate um i hate to go i hate to go it's a poverty mentality my parents had it my mother would scrape mashed potatoes into a coffee cup at a diner and walk out with it in a coffee cup yeah that's what they give you it's and they give you the you know the little like it's like yeah yeah i think it's a poverty mentality of like that there will you'll you'll there'll be more mac and cheese i i don't

love it i know some people like i've gotten arguments about this with people this is a big topic on the show i overeat i've never eat more than you should eat yes nothing's as good the next day really no yeah no that's why you have fast food i know fully make your face but that's why you have fast food fast food don't get this guy out of here here's the door just bum out the door delis and diners and fast food is for the next day yes when you want something good but you realize i we're not gonna go back to the fucking the steakhouse you go and get a nice deli sandwich yes i'm a big it's gotta be you know it's gotta be like the way it should be yeah i don't i don't take out you want to take out that just eat it all at home yes that's different but when you

you wake up the next day it's like it's yeah you got a half a chicken breast and you're like throwing it on a pan it's a get what about pizza cold pizza the next day that's different that's not taking pizza home though you get pizza deliver get pizza take pizza home now you do uh if you do order in right yeah you you get it delivered or whatever uh take out it is also tough to reheat it either gets put in the oven it takes too long too long this guy's crazy wait 45 minutes for a slice of fucking pizza kick rocks you put it in the microwave it comes out it's very foldy and hot but it's not yeah cheese doesn't get there you don't like it yeah yeah did you have a frozen pizza as a kid that you preferred we didn't mind delios red baron red baron all right yeah gentlemen

okay but when you get when you do get take out will you plate it it depends what it is okay uh a lot of times no just out of the container la so many people we do post me okay I am so hungry by the way I had nothing I just go to Gallagher's we'll change your mind I had one cigarette then I ran out of matches oh my god matches too much money I don't know where my lighter was so I just had matches I found him in the car before I matches go dude lifesaver fuck and then it was two matches I'm like first one burned out I got it and then I was driving down here and now we've just talked about food for an hour and I'm like motherfucker I would love to get a fucking steak I know you guys got to go to fucking Hartford unless I take you somewhere

one day well I'm here for a while I'm gonna get you some yeah we'll do we'll do a nice dinner we're paying by the way but no no no here's the deal here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna drive it along island oh hey don't don't tease me Timmy I'll take you I'll take you strip mall Italian restaurant it'll change your life is there is there a particular giant's jersey you want us to wear for there's a few rules there's a few rules oh man Donald Trump is still the president okay that's number one my parents are coming anybody else do you want the chicken conchatoria not swear is your president said let's step into the bathroom for a second yeah do you pee in the shower oh yeah who doesn't yeah okay I mean that would be insane a lot of weirdos crazy to not

what about brushing your teeth in the shower I haven't done that I don't really do that yeah okay it's not a judgment thing it's trashy though I just don't do it it's trashy what are we using do we got a bar we have the body wash body wash any specific brand or just whatever's on the shelf I think it's usually like I have like a dove sensitive skin bullshit thing okay yeah all right it's not bad do you mess with any high-end self-care products keels or anything like that using anything like that do the face now that'll do like a pinoxial acne wash okay okay yeah growing up it wasn't dove body wash I would assume right no I'm trying to think what are so my grandmother used to have dial and that'll take your skin off I love the smell of that they use that on the space shuttle

dude remember dial oh my dial with a yellow bar dude dial would take your skin off she was like a spider she mulled she got out of the shower but she an old lobster she would get me dove because she knew I had sensitive skin that's okay Irish skin yeah so do I so dry dial I would use dove um in terms of a shampoo fuck my mother was like panting okay panting it's not bad um I had a huge marketing campaign in the 90 my grandmother what the hell because I could picture a strawberry suave in your bathroom I don't know my great now I just use like a dandruff shampoo like a tea gel or something like that and eyes are all um but I'm trying to think what my grandmother used my mother every now and then would fuck with the vedal so soon herbal essence or something

every now and then she'd fuck a couple baby babies that week yeah she'd fuck with uh uh something like that okay who would babysit you as a kid mostly your grandmother my grandmother and then like you know my my mother had this girl that she actually moved into her house for a few years named Dorothy who was one of her like favorite swimmers from the swim team and Dorothy came from an abusive family geez my mother moved her in and she kind of babysitted me wait hold on she moved this girl into your house into my house as you were growing up as I was growing up I was like uh young eight something like that how old was the girl oh teens 14 15 16 they moved her in yeah she was from like an abusive relationship yeah a big not relationship family and her parents would beat her and stuff

and then she like you know of course you like use my mother three years and then left and then never said you know what I mean you know how people are you know how people are uh-huh um any of the family extended immediate have standalone hot tubs at any point ooh great question you know they got like 3,500 together married no kids it's on the back of a condo or something I'm trying to remember if anyone had a standalone sitting on a loose deck probably never worked yeah fuck I'm trying to remember I did that not immediately I remember stand on top any family members with birthdays that fall on a holiday any Christmas babies any New Year's babies no okay anyone in your family ever own a PT cruiser no not that I remember what about a Hummer any Hummers in the family no really no

I'm stunned by that my aunt worked for Mercedes so she got people deals really on things every now and then her family the majority then they fired mm-hmm we got it which usually happens because I was buying a car you know like you know you starting to do well I go I don't know if I want to get like an s600 or this so I called her and she drives by the way she goes listen she goes I just because I was fired by Mercedes and she goes I'm here at Jaguar and she goes I'm probably you're probably gonna let me go here too what she goes but don't get one of these these are not good I'm like okay thank you she's just being fired by every car every luxury car dealership along island this is a big one on the show you're going to a wedding right not I'm I'm really never

invited I'm invited to so few weddings really so few weddings hmm I was the guy that was just like I wouldn't go to a lot of weddings and I had comedy so of course like just you know my best friend I remember as opposed to go to his wedding I they had a drop out of Mojigin's son I told him I said dude this is my one of my first headlining I'm like I gotta do it I have to get in this rotation he totally understood but I've been with you so I could probably answer I feel like now they gotta be this you gotta come out of the woodwork this may your mailbox gonna be full a lot of my friends are not getting married and a lot of them have gotten married and it's already failed okay uh let's just say it's a friend from high school a cousin not not like you know ban or something like somebody

kind of close but whatever yeah what's in that envelope what are you giving oh interesting maybe a grand whoa I didn't want to know what you gave the kid what you gave Ben probably did well they got a lot of money yeah I would never get the ideas for I would never I would never say what he got of course yeah we would have asked you know fifty thousand I gave him fifty thousand dollars literally I gave him serious I gave him fifty grand are you tax-free seriously we structured it so it's tax-free fifty grand what like fifteen over the next three years or fifty grand just I like we structured so it's a bonus without taxes my business manager did holy shit wowza fifty cheese yeah

motherfucking dill and playing ball I love him and he's great of course he's my family but you know does that let me say I would never say the number it was a gentleman I wouldn't say the number does that get around the wedding do you notice that maybe a half hour 45 minutes I'm sick of giving people shit and not talking about it so maybe you'll get around are you garbage what are you gonna do I got a $15 an hour and here's a question are you garbage do you give your best friend a present and then talk about it on a popular podcast in hopes that other people hear it that's a good question you structured it as a bonus I love that let me talk to my guy it's a bonus um god damn a jihad's good a thousand's good yeah is that a hug is

that a hug when he finds out yeah he's autistic but it's a hug you know holy shit man plus keeping a tax man out of it I even like that too yeah why let them with them but in fairness they got me a book about spiders no of course this is what the show is this is also to uh what is I mean you don't have to say the person or whatever what is the most amount of money someone has asked you to borrow really I've never gotten that really yeah as of late you're not paying anybody's legal fees or medical bills or anything right now no I feel like hitting you up he does walk around with you know the answer is probably gonna be no yeah I was gonna ask you my friends my friends are drug addicts sure so they

all it's I know it's for drugs it's not like my friends like I got a good business idea it's drugs it's all drugs trying to get a couple of white pies over here it's trying to get a couple of investors in this eight ball what do you think all drugs yeah okay all right so it's not even like I'm a dick because I wouldn't help people if they like it's like I they will die sure yeah huh how about cruises what do you feel about them hate them hate them hate them but only because I I took the impractical Joker's cruise and I performed on it and uh yeah I just the thing with me cruise I don't like I like being near the land sure if I'm on a boat I like to see the land of course I don't like to be out in the middle of a uh with with like who wears the doctor

dude oh shit like what I get nervous how many lawyers are on this boat that's what I want to I get nervous there's 1580 year olds eating fondue where's the doctor uh preferred Benedict would it be traditional salmon crab cake or Florentine and is there a right answer and how do you feel about the eggs Benedict as a whole lobster black truffle wow what you think he was gonna say fucking crab cake we got Tim fucking Dylan lobster black truffle Benedict at the peninsula I was gonna say where's a gentleman like that get something like that I like a lobster black trough but I love a smoke so my actual favorite one not trying to I'm just you know is the smoke salmon Benedict is my favorite

okay locks Benedict is my favorite hmm but here's what's really good um truly like I've had a lot of different kind of benedicts umber batch all of them name another podcast where somebody says that they want I've had a lot of benedicts I've had a short rib benedict oh yeah that's great I mean I've had like obviously the crab cake benedict the lobster black truffle I've had a smoked salmon benedict I've had the california eggs benedict so the california eggs benedict you add avocado and tomato and replace a canadian bacon with real bacon american I'm in I like it I had one in Philly not too long we did a show in Philly and went to I think it's called like green eggs or something pretty good restaurant and they did a cheese steak one Philly cheese steak one yeah

pulled by fucking air love a hollandaise sauce yeah only second to the brunette sauce obviously for sure yeah that's uh something else do you think it's acceptable at a breakfast instead of getting home fries french fries are okay what do you think yeah my mother did that all the time french fries lightly cooked lightly cooked she loved lightly cooked french fries I don't know what what was wrong what are you are you a I don't care french fries to me I'm whatever they're there I eat them I don't care sure not you can't be too picky even if they're bad I've eaten them I love a mashed like a mashed potato yeah like to me home and feeling good is a is a garlic mash or a little loaded mashed or a gorgonzola mashed or to me it's I need you know that warmth of the french

fried in me is my kfc ain't too shabby with the mashed potatoes a nice mashed potato it's not bad I feel like the chateau mashed potatoes at Del Frisco's are amazing was that with the cheese in it and little chopped peppers oh boy take me home country rose how do you feel about the twice baked potato like it it's very catering hall yeah sure it's a catering hall staple and I don't mind it you do a few off the top and then throw it yeah okay it's a catering hall it's a chicken franchez penne alla vodka eggplant rollatini twice baked potato little steak tip chicken marsala or something yeah a couple of free drinks you bang a couple of marby lights on patio and you get out of there I just did that exactly in a funeral you get in and get out yeah huh I mean I only got

one or two left I think okay I got another three hours yeah I know we haven't even got into dessert yet I don't know what a fuck anybody thinks they're fucking never I don't know what I want to get this kid back here this is our 200th episode like we're like two oh something amazing I've never I mean I've never you've met your match in how you two talk about food it's like it's an ad you blink like sharks the eyes roll back it's like Pacino with the nero and heat that's what's happening right now it's coming from the mentality of an addict you know it's I you know you get into it 100% you're an addict talking about drugs they really go into it you know it's not just it's not just heroin yeah you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah cobblers how do you feel

you're like a cobbler right I enjoy a cobbler my problem with a cobbler and this has been something has never been said anywhere listen we've got a nice time so far don't fucking ruin it now but my problem with a cobbler is there's such a variance either know what you're doing when you make one or you know my aunt will bring your cobbler and go what did you sue yeah sue he's just crumble cookies what'd you do here you're watching OANN screaming about QAnon you're not paying attention you just crumbling to peaches yeah you put a couple of oatmeal cookies in a blender and threw them on top of some cherries because you're screaming about Hillary Clinton eating babies follow the recipe take the time oh god damn that was one I had have you ever done the recipe on

the box of anything um are you a cook are you cooking much I can cook pretty good really if I want I can really cook cooking at the house I make a one thing really I make three things I make a chocolate souffle really good whoa kill a chocolate that's crazy how would you learn to do that it's the one thing I learned when I was a young kid who taught you that I don't know just I'd watch a lot of the food shows yeah and it's just whipping egg whites you fold in the chocolate you put it in the water bath and have you ever had a chocolate it's the greatest thing you'll ever have I had a vanilla souffle I thought long ago in Paris it's it's excuse me I that's patreon.com so are you garbage but I've been waiting to say Paris for the last hour when when when me and you

say the word Paris it just sounds like it should be followed up with somebody going license and registration the question was license and registration sorry do you own this car what was the question I just forgot we're talking about souffle you make oh yeah so I make a souffle I make really good scrambled eggs because it's just going slow and slow slow with American cheese low and slow the way American cheese yeah I love the American cheese there's an egg cheese just cheddar is not to be on and by the way it's in the egg cheese American cheese is for eggs it's for burgers it's so much it's better on burgers yeah cheddar is for potatoes cheddar is for Mexican food it's for potatoes or it's for eating raw sharp cheddar with ham but American

cheese people say oh it's not a cheese nothing's anything shut up you know what I mean make that reddit burger cheese you just said are you a smash burger or thick patty guy well if I'm in New York I do a New York steakhouse burger where of course I have a thick slice of course and you know I do like a big thick burger with ground sirloin it's nice but nice tomato the white onion ketchup some cheese but if I'm in LA I'm smashing it up we're doing the patties we're doing the Cali style what in Rome yeah when in Rome what is the most money you've spent on a hamburger what's the most expensive burger you've had maybe $25 or something it's not bad it's not that place in Chicago that's all that is is 25 bucks is that where it is yeah yeah yeah it's not that

expensive it's not bad you do a Manetta yeah it's overrated whoa yeah that first Manetta than Gallagher's this guy's a real deal man yeah you're fucking you're shattering mirrors I like Manetta the black label is good but it's not what it was sure I'll take you to the bar in Freeport Long Island called the helm it's got a better burger than all this we gotta just clear one day we'll do three meals out Long Island is the best food in the country no no no I'll take you to Strip Mall Italian it's better than three star restaurants in New York for you just said that yeah like literally that's really good out there I mean no Long Island's got some food that would blow you away if you know where to go hmm how do you feel about turtlenecks not for me not for

bigger guys yeah you can't do it um how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken from like a supermarket oh I love that well it's healthy if you want to be healthy your family will buy shit off tv any wrong come remember to play my mother was insane with qvc for years I'd walk in she'd be like scribbling into a pad at 1 a.m I'd be like because by the way after easy pain after midnight qvc they start marketing to they know who's watching yeah they know they know the crazy they know who's out so my mother would be like it'll be like what's going on she goes it's Jacqueline Kennedy's engagement where I'm like all right I'm sure it's not but 99 99 yeah I'm like I'm gonna go out for butts still got blood on it I see you like holy shit I mean I hope this

was a fun this is this was worth of course of course I've been waiting a long time this is fantastic am I garbage we don't know it's so hard it's such a it's so close you know I mean it's such a photo finish you that's what here but in the first three minutes you're called perc said perkadoos yeah okay all right nice perkadoodle do yeah here's the thing I'm garbage but I've maybe ascended a little you will you know where no not even ascended a little you have an inherent inside of you you have high taste you you you have a you can walk in both worlds that's right day walker man yeah you're crazy in such a way that that blows me away well like I would be full confident to walk into the most you know classy expensive situation

with you leading the way yeah you know how to handle yourself at a cocktail party out in the fucking Hamptons yeah you know how to fucking talk to people and stuff like that yeah yeah I know I can I can do it but then you also like a strawberry quick every once in a while every there's nothing better than a bacon egg and cheese and a Nestle quick that's the trashiest thing I think it's ever been said that was that was my last question what is your go-to chocolate milk nestle quick I love was that what you had as a kid yes was it the powder you got no it was the little quick bottles that's pretty classy as a kid I like it because to me I remember believing that that bunny cared about the product you know what I mean now you look at the mascots

you know they don't give a shit yeah we just did it for the money they're in it for the money now that honey nachirio beat was really going for it uh but to me I love but so here's also the reality I also like a Hershey's of course I love what's your favorite chocolate that's the correct just chocolate no Snickers like a chocolate bar Hershey's just a Hershey's favorite fruity candy Skittles starburst Bruntz dots no I'm gonna go with dots get out of here I'm gonna go what's the chewy one high chew squishy chewies high chew no starburst Mike and Ike's uh I like a little what do they say square give me something here they're like shape like gushers maybe okay I don't know I don't I can't believe you couldn't pull that I was like you were possessed for a

second I'm not a huge candy guy really not a huge quarter what's your problem with lava cake to you don't like lava cake this has been bothering him for 18 months bother me for a long I got bone to pick with you buddy is lava cake good or are they just chewing you on the cake and there's the first gun well we got the clip there you go Barry why Barry why he says I can um I if don't fill a cake with something unless don't fill a cake with something that runs away yeah that's not as good as the cake yeah what do we do just make a hot chocolate cake give me some ice cream cut it out yes there's nobody that's had a great hot chocolate cake in one but why doesn't it melt away why isn't 60% of this gone yeah why doesn't I don't want to dominoes are pretty goddamn

last night you want let me show you let me show you what we did last night because we were being inappropriate I want to show you what we did last night because you have to hold on ready you have to see this whoa holy shit we're a quality Italian okay and we're doing a s'mores we're doing a tiramisu cake blood orange gelato that's a chocolate olive oil cake we're being chocolate off that's how you do it you just so you ordered everything for the table everything for the table for the table espresso afterwards yeah and then when no I don't drink it but when the window I used to but I don't and when the women go to eat you very you judge them harshly you go when they go to eat you go and that way just the men will split it and then the women get

like a fork full and then go yeah hey did you say something like that like you you want more I think you had some already ladies and gentlemen mr. tim dylan home run home fucking run thank you hundred percent garbage thank you so much but the most eclectic garbage that could possibly good garbage yeah one man's trash is another man's s trucks what do you got cooking with anything you want typical comedy calm we've got a tour that we're winding up we're shooting a special march in Denver we're announcing that tomorrow awesome we've got some cool venues a rhyming theater coming up in uh Nashville and a bunch of other stuff and this is the end of the tour and then I hop off tour in March and I chill for four

months love it stay on the internet any plans any big vacations anything like that no or does Timmy like to to relax a little bit I don't know I like going to Florida a lot I love Florida that's trash well that's over the top right there yeah I love Florida I just love it I don't need I get it's where do you go I go like a lot of west coast same peep beach clear water same peep about it we did the dances are I love the dances and they're all the time all the time this guy is fucking everywhere he was making fun of me I was like Tim Dillon stage no I love the dances nice it's a great thing it's expensive but nice it's great they didn't have a staff for about eight months I know they were they were a little under the water they're a little under the

water it was like one guy running fucking fried group or sandwiches everybody poor guy but now every they cut the fun right everybody's coming back to work everybody's discovered their passion for customer service ladies and gentlemen mr. Tim Dillon Timmy what do you got for him just check out patreon we're on the road we're all over the fucking country go get some fucking tickets at camera and comedy on all social media do it gang we love you we'll see you next week peace