Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tim Dillon Returns!

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

Tim Dillon returns to Are You Garbage! We're talking Whitney Houston, How to host a party and the future of food in America. You know Tim Dillon from stand up comedy, The Tim Dillon Show, the Joe Rogan Experience, This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von, Bad Friends, Stavvy's World, The Tucker Carlson Show, Kill Tony, Flagrant 2, Fox News, Matt and Shanes Secret Podcast, and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: Aura Frames: Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat at https://AuraFrames.com. Promo Code: GARBAGE Huel: Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of 15% OFF + a FREE Gift with code AYG at https://huel.com/AYG (Minimum $75 purchase) Acorns: Head to https://acorns.com/GARBAGE or download the Acorns app to get started. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, check out this short clip from the Route 66 tour on our YouTube page. I'm not even lying, I just shit my pants. What happened at the garage? Hey, how are you? You guys have a bathroom? You saw that, huh? I'm curious as to what do you want to get out in front of this thing. These are dangerous places. Are those the shorts you were wearing?

Unfortunately, they are. Dude, that's fucking disgusting. Hang on. Unless you were wearing plastic underwear, which I do not think you were. It didn't go through. No, dude, that's insane. I'm telling you, it did not get to the outer layer. What you may know is the upper atmosphere. It stayed within the molten core of the budging. The underwear on the other hand, didn't make it. Thank you. You're welcome. I appreciate your hospitality. I've seen you go to the bathroom a lot. I've never seen you walk out with evidence. I've never seen you walk out with evidence. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage?

The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is R U Garbage. Take two. It's that little show we sit down

with your favorite comedians and we find that it's a good to be classy. Yeah. But they're just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash, trash. I'm your host H. Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tootie's in a new edition. She's upstairs in a K-hole. Okay. So we're on our own for dinner boys.

Good for her. My co's is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage? He is an international businessman and my best pal in the whole wide world. Give it up for KJ, Kevin, James, Ryan, everybody. What up gang? Shout out to you. Thanks for tuning in. As always, make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. Also full video available over there on Spotify now. No big deal. And then the greatest website of all time Don't gotta tell nobody in this room WWW.patreon.com slash are you garbage you go over there you get all that bonus content Yes, sir and gang we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest back with us again today.

He is the American Messiah. One of the funniest, one of the most prolific stand-up comedians, podcasters, and actors working today. He's got a brand new special out on Netflix, I Am Your Mother, and we got him back here after a long absence to see if he's moved on from his garbage roots. Does he belong in an Erawan with $40 a pound chicken salad or is he

really the Entenmann's rich frosted donut? He always was. Give it up for the great Tim Dillon everybody. Thank you. Tootie's doing that medical ketamine. Okay, it was recommended. She's working on some things. It's PTSD. She's in a some things. It's PTSD Right now

I'll talk to people they go I got PTSD of doing ketamine ago from what you've never served in a war Yeah, that's a big jump to do ketamine if like your dad was mean to you. Yeah PTSD. I've got gout I'm doing blow, huh? The blood flow moving buddy. Thank you for coming back. Congrats on the special. Thank you so much. Congrats on everything. Well, that's very sweet of you. I didn't want to come back because we had such a killer one. I know. I knew that's what you were doing. I was like, it was so good that you didn't want to come back and spoil it. Because that was that was the number one one

for a long time. I think you're still you and Gilley are going back and forth. Yeah. Now the show has evolved since you've been on. Now, listen, as we know, one of the truest garbage men in the business. Sure. We all come from it. Yeah. It's cherished here. It's celebrated here.

Yes. You've been blowing up. Sure. A lot of fancy things going on. Well, let's... He's got blue sweat sweat pants shorts on right now. You know, I mean, dude, the polo sweat

pants shorts. Let me tell you right now when you get out of a when you get out of a black car and you walk into a DXL, it cancels out when you pull up in a black car and you walk into a DXL. It really does even out in a negative way.

Where do you go? You go to six to have you know the boys down there at six to have the DXL? There's no other ones. That's my guys down there only one yeah, Indian woman. Yes. She's a good woman. Yeah woman Guy angel down there Do you really of course my god? That's so that's right. That's a last stop before you get deported. They work at that store You you clothe fat people then you go to that prison in El Salvador. Whoo, start shaving your head yikes Bad news now, let's see you've traded your via Veneta in for gelato. But let's see. Yeah, let's see See where you're at. I'm surprised cuz I I think I might be right back on the trash

But I could be I could be it could be better than I know. When's the last time you had a Carvel? Have you had a Carvel in the last couple of months? I have a Carvel gift card in my wallet. Number one, I actually have a car. I was given probably a black card. I was given for my birthday a Carvel gift card. Okay. And they don't like that in Carvel. A lot of Carvels in Long Island are run by the Asian community. They're a very business savvy, smart community.

And they don't like a gift card. They don't respect it. They don't give it the way it should. So they really do when you present a gift card, they will, they just, they flop some sprinkles on. They don't do it the way they should. But the last time I've had one, the other day I door dashed a Carvel to the house. Holy shit. That was one of my questions.

What was the last thing you door dashed or Uber eats? Would it have been ice cream or have you done it since then? The last thing I'll just go. Can I go to door dash? Let's get the real feel. Was it a shake? It was not a shake. It was just a vanilla with crunchies, cookie dough and fudge. Wow. I mean, that's guys doing it right. Door dash. That's crazy. They bring it right to the condo. You got a Bentley and you're door dashing Carvel. I love it. You know, what am I gonna do? Buy a Carvel? The duality of man. You should open up a franchise. I should open up a

franchise. Well, call Jason. Can I open a franchise? I'll tell you right now. I'll go to door-dash and I'll go to my last order How many times a week do you say you're door-dashing when I'm not cooking but you know me I'm cooking most nights No, uh the For the audio listener. He rolled his eyes No, I you know, I'm doing a lot. Unfortunately, it's a lot of it's you in New York City.

You know, it's a lot. Have you used the stove at your place? I have I make some scrambled eggs are good. I make some, you know, I'll do a every now and then I'll do like a, you know, kind of stir-fry. Okay, look at you. I respect it. you I mean that's a big step up I from I ordered meatballs and I ordered annual a ricotta and you lot from a bar pre me with vodka sauce that was my last that was my last hurrah okay what do you

think the world would be like if vodka sauce was never invented. I don't know you know I don't even want to picture it. One of my big things right now is I don't like the Italians on social media there's too many Italians on social media. They're big on TikTok. I don't these Italians to me are a problem and have to be watched. Yes and part of the problem is like we all grew up with this stuff chicken parm and stuff. They're acting like they're putting us on to sure Penne ala vodka.

Yeah, and we've been there. So to me, it's like annoying when a guy's like, oh, meatball mozzarella, chicken parm. And I go, hey, hey, hey. I've been there. Not for the cacio pepe. We get it. We get it.

It's cheese and pepper. We get it and we've been doing it and it's not a big deal you're not breaking new ground yeah we know cream sauce doesn't go in a carbonara we're aware it's egg yolk we get it so i um i got guanciale on me right now yeah of course you want a little speck please i got speck what are we doing so to me I um I get a little frustrated with it and the vodka sauce now like To me all these rubes moved to New York City They're from Ohio these rubes and then they wait to get into a restaurant like carbona of spicy rigatoni My friend my friend's mother make you spicy rigatoni too. Yeah, she'll tell you the world's flat

She'll talk a little bit about January 6th But let me tell you right now you want a spicy rigatoni You'll get a spicy rigatoni and she'll talk a lot about Michelle Obama's cock. Little side of Texas toast huh? Yeah. Alright. Okay.

We're off to the race. And we're off. So far we've we went after the Asians and the Italians. I said they were a smart business community. I want to ask you this. You know, you're a well traveled. You know, you hang out in certain circles. That's right. I want to talk about a dinner party.

I want to talk about two things. One, if you're having a dinner party, one, if you're going to a dinner party. Interesting. What do you think it's appropriate to bring to a dinner party. What is a guy like you bring. If I'm going I'm usually bringing nothing. Here's the fucked up thing we talked to an etiquette coach. That's the right answer right answer because here's the thing. I'm going to a lot of these dinners as look a local pig

sure there. I'm going to a lot of these dinners as, look, a local pig. Sure. They're bringing me. They have clipboards and white coats. They're bringing me to the dinner party as a local curiosity. An animal you'd point out on a tour bus. Everybody gets 10 minutes sitting next to you. For example, this is a local pig who we've brought in here and everybody kind of pets him. Get the kids, take a photo. The yak woman cancelled. So really, it's a curiosity. I'm a curiosity.

So no one wants the curiosity to show up with anything because here's the deal. When you go to a dinner party, I think you're there,. They want to do their thing. They don't want to do a potluck. No. But if I had to a raspberry cream pie from Breymer Farms. Gentlemen, which is great. It's a top notch pie. Breymer Farms. They won't sponsor me. You've asked. I haven't asked but we've you know, you've plugged them enough, I'm sure. I wear their hat a lot of times. Yeah, I've seen the hat. I've mentioned this to you before, I believe, but you ruined me with the Haagen-Dazs, what is it, raspberry cheesecake or what is it?

White chocolate raspberry truffle. Oh, man. Yeah. If I could turn back the clock on that. It's a great flavor. Delicious. And it allows you to feel a little festive. Yes, it does.

There's something where you feel a little festive. Yes, it does. There's something where you feel a little festive. I think it I you know, here's the way I look at life. Now you got to have a little treat. You do. You got to have a little treat and it has to be just said that in the kitchen. He grabbed a power bar. I need a little treat. I came out.

He was I am so it says cookie. No flavor and one gram of carb. I don't even know what these things mean anymore. That's is Graham of this. I wasn came out, he was dying. I saw it says, cooking no flavor and one gram of carb. I don't even know what these things mean anymore. One gram of this. I wasn't out of the bathroom yet. I just heard him talking to himself going, I could use a little treat. A little treat. Oh, pick me up.

So I think when you have the white chocolate raspberry truffles, you go, it's a little treat. I'm not being a gluttonous pig. I'm having a little treat. Yes. A little treat. That's the difference. White chocolate's good for you.

It's a little treat. It's a little treat. Now, have you been on the other side of that where you throw a dinner party? You know, I'm sure you put out a- You're a great host. You're a great host. We got to this, the infamous summer party. Yeah, we got a caterer. Tim Dillon is a delicious. We got a caterer. So I hired- We had valet parking. We had valet parking. That's how classy this dirtbag can be. It was classy. We hired this guy- It was six bucks a car, but- It was a little bit.

Yeah, you can whack me out. You charged me extra for the SUV. We hired this guy, this Italian chef from Instagram. This guy doesn't show up because I got food problems. He goes, I got a stomach problems, I have food poisoning, chef. Okay, this scumbag. So this piece of shit, in the morning of the thing goes,

I can't show up, so, but then other people came and they did it, they did a great job. Wow, I wouldn't have known there was a hiccup on that. We hired Arthur and Sons. I remember, yeah. In but then other people came and they did it they did a great job Well, I wouldn't have known there was a higher Arthur and son I remember yeah in conjunction with this guy and they killed it killed it I think this year we're gonna do something different every year we did we did traditional summer food the first year Mm-hmm, then we did a Italian food the last year was like Italian this year. I'm thinking something different I don't know what it is at what point does this party get to the point where? different. I don't know what it is. At what point does this party get to the point where

all you all the rich people that you know are chasing Kevin and I around the yard and we're greased up and Vaseline naked. Because I have to say I mean there was like yeah famous people like you know like fame there was like I were talking to one guy like I'm a huge fan we go oh cool thanks man nice to meet you and he goes yeah my dad owns a casino and I was like how the fuck? I go he goes yeah I just met Tim a casino and I was like how the right I go He goes. Yeah, I just met Timmy. I go what the fuck. Shut up everyone at Ocean's casino We were in the back right as dirtbags tend to do we're all we find a corner away from everybody where we can go Catch you. I hit you up for a buck Good host you float around your daddy. Yeah, and you always come came and hit him up. And you're a good host. You float around.

You're doing well. And you always come back to your roots. You find the other fat pigs in the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Feeny had a... Feeny brought his own cooler, a white cloth. Feeny, you forget... And we're back there cranking heaters.

You forget he's white trash until you see he's got a tattoo on his leg. It's not a good tattoo. No, yeah. And you go, oh, you're a garbage... Like, you forget how garbage he is until you see that tattoo on a leg shin tattoo is up Yeah, I don't know. We're gonna do this. I thought maybe sushi, but then that sits out in the Sun that not too good That ain't good. So I don't know what's a good theme this year for the food. Hmm Interesting that's pretty good because you know all Greek

Huh, do some gyros interesting like a Mediterranean thing. I don't know about that. That gets real sloppy. Yeah, that doesn't that doesn't age as well. Everybody's smelling like tzatziki. Nobody's making out. Smells like a yellow cat. That's real sloppy and heinous. What about what about a luau? What about a whole pig? Now, by the way, that's good.

I'm thinking of doing Polynesian poop poop platter. I love it. Luau. We get pigs. We get pork. Kaluo, Kaluo pork, a little poke bowl. Yeah. Kimchi fried rice. We might. That's pretty good. And I could I know exactly the people that do it.

There was this restaurant called the Hurricane Club in New York City, and they had these like Peking duck sandwiches. And coconut shrimp. I think we do a little tropical luau. I like that. I like it. I like a Peking duck too. That's right. Love a duck. Good duck out there on the island too.

You get it all. Very good duck. That's right. Now have you had people show up to something like that or a smaller event? Yeah, they bring a supermarket pie like an animal and I just give it to one of the caterers and say, take this to your family. Take this to your family.

I give it to the, I literally give the food to your family. I give it to the food to the people. I give it to the caterers. And I say, take this to your children. Do you fake like a thank you so much? You go, and do you really think it? Thank you. All right. Thanks.

It's a quick. It's not like somebody take this. It's not like, thanks so much. You want to stop and shop. Thanks so much. So are you saying Tim Dillon is now beyond the apple crumb pie at a stop and shop? Yes. At a catered event.

Yes. You got to go get, here's the thing, I'm not turning down a pie. If you do something nice, somebody brought some nice Italian cookies, that's nice. Don't go to the grocery store. Don't get something at the grocery store. What about the nice icing cookies that they have out there? They didn't even do that. They could have.

They could have done it. They could have done it. Get a cookie bus on the way. If could have. They could have done it. They brought a themed sugar cookie. It's a different story. Okay. That's a novelty. That's a little treat.

All right. I like that. Okay. Okay. We're getting somewhere now. I wanted to ask you this. I'm sure this is something in the family. Yeah.

If a number's mentioned, 2525, oh, 6392. 63 92 pumping gas. That's a good number You should play that number. Yes, we've got a number and no one has ever won No one's won a goddamn thing. No, did you have any heavy lottery people in the family growing up? We had a lot of heavy lottery people my mother had a theory that the scratch off She said we got to play scratch offs in bad areas because you're more likely to Win and I said why she goes because the government gives those people help every now and then with the scratch off And I said well mom that sounds very questionable, but again remember folks. It's 1998 My mother's doing the best she can she had a mental illness sure

But that's what she did say she goes every now and then the government has to give those people a little hope That's what she said so so that we would drive to real bad areas and she'd buy a scratch off. I like it. RIP. Patricia Dillon, of course. Yes. That's OK. Sure. Uh huh. Sure. Is it the best way to phrase it? Maybe not. But it was her belief system. That's what she believed.

They each their own. Never a winner. Never a winner. didn't she didn't win much. Her and her friend Dennis. Uh my father uh Dennis was like I rented a room in her house. He used to drive up to Fox Woods. Uh Mohegan's son and

they would never win. Mm hmm. That's yeah. Never win. It was tough. I don't think anybody's ever won at Mohegan's son for being honest. Well, sometimes they'd stay in their van. She had a big econoline van and they they wouldn't spend the

money on a room. They go, let's let's skip it. Crash in a van. Well crash in a van and then just spend more money. You know, we'll try to get them next time. Get them tomorrow. Get them next time. Yeah. Okay. I respect that. Yeah. Kippy, Aura Frames. Aura Frames, Aura Frames, Aura Frames. This Mother's Day. Uh-huh. You want to knock it out of the park? You want to look like a goddamn hero in front of your mom, your mother-in-law? Shut her up a little

bit. Even your wife? Your grandma, your wife? Sure. Do yourself a favor. Aura Frames. Digital Frame, they throw it up on the counter. They throw it up on the mantle. They get to keep up what's going on with Jimmy, Tommy,

Billy, Bobby, the whole clan. Aura Frames, the best Mother's Day gift you're ever going to get on sale right now. Yeah, it's the best if it's great for a family member that lives far away like Denise is a couple hours away from me I can't make it down there so you just throw it over a picture frame upload the pic hey look it's just like I'm here. I'm still going bald. It's just like I'm at dinner. Or Frames was named the best digital photo frame by Wirecutter and featured in 495 gift guides last year. Woo doggy.

So next time you need to call your mom so you can also send her a new pic of you with that trip you've been telling her about right from your phone. Aura has a great deal for Mother's Day for a limited time. Listeners can save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off plus free shipping on their best selling Carver Mat Frame. That's Aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com. Promo code garbage. Support the show by mentioning us at

Checkout Terms and Conditions Apply. Now let's get back to the show. Yeah. Can't much talk about Huel. Oh, I'm about to Huel up, dog. Gang, Huel is a complete meal in one bottle with 35 grams of protein, 27 essential vitamins and minerals,

high fiber, low sugar, so you'll feel focused, feel good, and feel on the go and feel fantastic. We're talking about no prep. That's a lot of feeling. No clean up, just grab and go. Huell's already sold over 500 million meals around the world and now it's your turn to try it.

Yeah, shout out to Huell. They sent us a, I'm talking a crate. Woo! A crate at East John's. Delish. Boy, the boys are out. We're sk- That was a milkshake. We're typically ordering delivery.

We got, nah, nah, nah. Fantastic. Heal me up, back into the hard feelings lab, dog. How you doing? Heal is a perfectly balanced meal while saving you time. Designed by experts to provide all the nutrients your body needs from a meal. Heal takes the guesswork and time out of healthy eating.

No prep, no cooking. They taste good, taste like a milkshake and they come in delicious chocolate or vanilla. I'm a chocolate guy. That's just that. Vanilla. Plus they got the bonus. They got low sugar. And plus lastly, Huel is incredibly affordable with high protein meals, less than $5. It's a budget-friendly option that we are stoked about. Start saving time and money without compromising your nutrition today with our exclusive offer for new customers. They get 15% plus a free gift using our code ayg at Huell.com. That's

15% plus a free gift for new customers using our exclusive code, ayg at Huell.com. Please see our description for the terms and conditions. Skip the stress, not the nutrition. Try Huell today for the complete nutrition. Bottled. Do it. I love it. Why we're on the topic of food here.

Let's say you're at your local mall. You're growing up. You're at the mall food court it's about dinnertime what's the Timmy D move there at a mall food court the year is 2004 okay lower the lights the year is 2004 I can smell the walking around a mall with my good friend Ryan what was the name of the mall by the way the Roosevelt Field Mall okay okay it could have been the source probably not Roosevelt Field I'm walking around with my good friends Ryan Ryan Not kidding Tim and and potentially another

We're walking around sure we've been to Spencer's gift. I've sat in the sharper image She's been massage. Okay, we've we've've walked around, we've stumbled into- You've entered the win the car. Aeropostale. We've walked by the models at Abercrombie and Fitch. Sure. Now it's time for a sample of bourbon chicken. Just to whet the whistle.

Settle into a Ranch One chicken and cheese, which Ranch One was a great mall chicken sandwich. Look up ranch. I don't know ranch one chicken and cheese. Okay. Ranch one's ranch one was a Long Island thing and they had a lot of great chicken sandwiches, but they were all over the tri-state. Okay, but here's here's yes, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, those things are good, but here's the reality. Here's I know what you're talking about. Yeah, those things work good. But here's the reality.

Here's where we really went if we were at the mall and we were not doing food court, because a lot of times we would do food court, which could be whatever. But if we weren't at the mall, we would go to the Cheesecake Factory. Whoa. The Cheesecake Factory for us symbolized

the promises that this country kept. 2004, wow. You're an early adopter. Early adopter of the Cheesecake Factory. Wow. I must have went for the first time probably about five years ago. I forget when we started going,

but we were young. We were kids. What's the order there? Then and then now. That's like landing on the moon. started going but it was we were kids and we were what's moon. God, I mean, Cheeseca started going, we're young they had a great burger wi onions. Yeah, crispy onion French potato chips on it. Crispy onions. Yeah, crispy onions.

They had all kinds of different shit. They had a salmon that was crusted with herbs and a lemon butter sauce if you wanted to feel cool. Yes. You would try to get maybe a little bit of salmon. Little macadamia. Little macadamia. One time me and my friend Ryan were at the mall.

We went to this restaurant. We're drinking apple martinis, getting hammered. We're in 11th grade. We had fake IDs, not at the Cheesecake Factory, but at this other place. His father came and picked us up, we get in the car, we're hammered, his father goes, I know you're both drunk, and he goes, your mother's gonna kill you, because we're just breathing fire. Apple-tinis. Apple-tinis, just fire, right? And he goes, your mother's gonna kill you, he goes, when you go in, just walk right to your room, don't even, don't even speak to your mother, don't say anything.

And we walked in and we just went like right downstairs and just kind of sat there, just hammered. But that was the fun of going out when you were younger is trying to get, do the fake IDs work and let's get fucked up. Yeah. On Apple TV. And you always order something you've seen on TV.

Yeah. We were just like, cause the waitress literally said, our specialist is an Apple Martini. And we were too nervous to order anything different. We just said, we'll take two of those. Keep them coming. Keep them coming. We're 12 years old.

OK. That's good stuff. I'd like to step into the bathroom for just a quick second. Absolutely. This is something I've been noticing that I do. As a bigger guy, I don't really know why I do it. I just feel more

comfortable at home or away when you when you're using the facilities. Do you work with the toilet paper off the roller or do you find yourself taking it and holding in your hand and using it from there? I do it in the hand. I've been

freestyling it too. You put your thing in like. Yeah, you freestyle. Yeah. It's a better situation. Yeah. Well, because the other thing it like breaks. It's like one by one. Can't do it. It's terrible. Yeah, I like to have it in my hand. It's terrible.

Steadicam style. And I'm only, I really try not to use the bathroom publicly if possible. Interesting. Yeah, like, because it's terrible now. Yeah. The bathrooms have declined. Brings up another thing that we've been talking about lately on the podcast. Let's say you're at somebody's house for said dinner party or you know Christmas or whatever

and you have to use the bathroom. Yeah. One, will you use it? Of course. Two, will you go upstairs? I'll try to go to a bathroom that isn't local. Sure. But I think you have to use it and I think people know know that and if that's just the way it is How would you feel if we were at your party? I had to go I can't use that one off the kitchen. I'm gonna embarrass everybody sure Would you be okay with me wandering upstairs and using let's say yours in the master bedroom would that be a problem? No, you can use any bathroom you want really could use any bathroom you want gentlemen I think it's it's the right thing to do. I respect that. I think it's the right thing to do. I say, okay

Yeah, all right. You could use the one by the kitchen, too That's the help That's the help in there. They deal with that. They gotta do that They gotta go some god just came in and took a shit all over this salad. Somebody let a bear in here Hey, hey, you're to help. I'll explain it to him shit all over this salad. Somebody let a bear in here? Yeah. Hey, hey, you're to help. I'll explain it to them. I go, listen, I had a lot of shitty jobs. You're in the middle of one of them.

Keep the Santa Fe egg rolls coming and enjoy that. Yeah. I'll be out by the pool having a parliament. Yeah. They'll go, some guy just shit all over everything. I'll go, we'll get the sorbet and head on out of there. Save the chicken parm. We got to load him back up. Yeah. OK, very good. All right. Very good.

Growing up, was there ever a family picture where you were all wearing the same thing? Maybe a white linen shirt on the beach? No, because Park, you know? No, I don't think so. We never coordinated our clothing with each other. Yeah. Yeah.

We kind of pretended not to know each other. I love that. Actually. Which, it's funny because there's a thin line between that. It's garbage, even like, you know, rich people and well-to-do people like to do, everybody's wearing the white shirt on the beach, which that's trashy in itself. But when you look at a family picture and you're like, do these know each other? Right. Is super garbage. My family has the same expression on their face on every family photo and it's this oh we're doing this I guess

we're a family I guess that's what they call this for tax purposes sure I guess for tax purposes these two this fat woman and her child will be in my photo. I also make no money. You know what I mean? Like I also have nothing. We just didn't have a lot of money. When you grow up and you don't have a lot of stuff, there wasn't a ton to celebrate. You know what I mean? It wasn't like I was a pride of the family. I was on a swim team. Okay. I didn't exactly earn a gold medal. Okay, every moment growing up with me was utter shame. With the best case scenario is I got caught smoking somewhere.

They'd go, thank God, he's doing something. At least he can do that well. He's not a complete pussy. Would the family come to the swim meets? Would they come and support? My mother was the coach. Really? I come from a long line of fat lifeguards.

It's actually the most discriminated group. I don't really want to hear anything about, I don't know, trans people or Filipinos, who's ever screaming out there. You put a whistle on and you overweight, you get out there on the deck. People, your authority. Start getting real cautious in the water. I'll tell you right now, it's just not, you don't have a ton of authority being a fat lifeguard, but you have to be and you have to fight harder for it.

You can only cannonball to save people. You have to fight harder for it, like the Ukraine. Oh, beautiful. Uh huh. While we're on childhood a little bit, take a step back. Please. What was the first concert that you went to? First concert, Whitney Houston in, I was eight years old and we went to Radio City,

it was like Christmas week, she was there, it was a great concert. Whoa. She showed up an hour late, she was having fun. And she showed up an hour late, but she killed it. That was back when the crack wasn't affecting the performance. It was probably amping it up a little bit. It was heightening it. Yeah, she was really getting. You know, like she was in it. That was back when the crack wasn't affecting the performance. It was probably amping it up a little bit. It was heightening it.

Yeah. She was really getting... You know, like, she was in it. Hitting his own. But she showed up an hour late. People were angry, but I was eight years old. Went to one of my uncle's restaurants. Nice.

And it was like a nice family thing. That's fun. I like that. Because she was singing like the family, you know what I mean? Christmas, New York City, you could smell the walnuts cooking or whatever they are. She was like the most wholesome thing happening. It was all over the radio at the time. Yeah, yeah.

I mean she was killing it. She was still one of the greatest singers ever. The best. Maybe the best ever. Yeah. And she killed it. She was a little late. Yeah.

Traffic. And she said something. She goes, don't read what you're reading in the tabloids about me and my husband. Everything's fine. And everyone clapped. And my father went, you tell them. My father literally was sitting next to me and goes, you tell them, Whitney. He literally said, she goes, don't, she was clearly on crack. She goes, they're reading

this with her husband in the tabloids, we're doing fine. Don't care about it. What people are saying to my dad. She goes, you tell them Whitney. Clearly on crack. She's a talented woman. Very. Okay. Okay. Listen, this is a little old hat at the moment, but I don't think we ever got your Domino's or Pizza Hut? Well, here's the thing. It started out Pizza Hut. We went, here's the deal. The Pizza Hut had a lunch buffet. It was $6. Their heyday was their heyday. They had dessert pizzas, they had the cherry one, they had the apple one. Pizza Hut had the stuff cross.

It was Pizza Hut's game to lose in this country. Yes, sure. And they did. F'ing lost it. They f'ing lost it. And then I switched over to Domino's in about eighth grade. And I haven't looked back. Flirted with Papa John's. Never did it for you.

I'm comfortable with the racism. And a little too tangy on the sauce. You can pull it back a little bit. The thing with Papa John's is the bread, it's like this weird, like it feels like the sauce is a little tangy Also, it's like doesn't feel like pizza. It's like a pastry. Yeah, you're puffy. I agree puffy. It's like oh a pastry I agree. I don't know if anybody's had Domino's recently those guys are getting it together I love Domino's if we're on the road. It's the only thing you can get and fucking Tulsa or some I'm going Domino's

If you do a nice you I'm going Domino's you do a nice You go from a Domino's wing Okay to us. I might go to a Domino's is I like a pepper and onion. I like a green pepper and onion pie You know what I mean get the veggies out. Let's treat. Let's take care of ourselves Let's treat ourselves, but also take care of longevity. Yeah It's like living in a blue zone here for a good time at a long time. Yes Yeah, it's like living in a blue zone here for a good time at a long time. Yes Absolutely, and I love from you go from a nice that and then but here's the thing Domino's used to have a thing called twisty bread Sure, but my name before and it was just this bread

That was like just garlicky bread that sat with like this herb oil mixture and it was great. Yeah It was like a big garlic knot. Yeah, it went away. Went away. The dodo. Yes, the garlic knot does not get enough love in this country. It gets a little bit of it, but you know what it is? The garlic knot isn't always executed well. Sometimes I agree.

It's not wrong. They sit out a lot. They sit out. They sit around. They're eating a three day old knot. Yeah, got to do them fresh. Make fresh knots. You just got out of jail. Be happy. They're eating a three-day-old knot. Yeah. They sit out. Gotta do them fresh. Make fresh knots. You just got out of jail. Be happy. You're free.

Have a little fucking self-respect. Have a little pride. You just got out of prison. Have a knot. You're a work release. Okay. Was there ever a show as a family in the Dylan household that you all watched together? No, because my mother and father hated each other.

So she didn't really like to be in the same room with him. There was no show that was more powerful than that. Me and him would watch all kinds of shit. You know, every now and then there might maybe there'd be a movie on that we'd all try to get through. Okay. And then it during one to put that for dysfunctional family, try to get one of the breaks, my mother go, by the way, how we're gonna pay the during what I don't put that for dysfunctional family try to get one of the breaks my mother go by the way how we're gonna pay the bills we don't have any money you're a loser and I go hey can we just finish the golden child I'd really like to see the end before you two start screaming

each other's faces I'd like to finish the end of honey, I shrunk the kids. If that's possible. The golden child. Both of you are not educated and you've done nothing for this family. Sure. Yeah. I know it's a blame game.

I don't know if we touched on this the first time, did you pack a lunch or did you buy lunch at school? We started buying lunch, we started packing lunch. Here's the perfect example of my family was like my father we went we like there's a boardwalk of town over from mine it's like two miles one morning my father gets me out of bed like he's made get up get in the car I go okay go down to the boardwalk he goes we're gonna do jog a block walk a block and we're gonna get in fucking shape I was like you, I was like seventh grade like a pudgy kid

I'm like, all right, let's do it. So we did that and then at the end of the day because we're doing this every morning We never did it. My dad did the same exact thing to me We fucking ran down a hill our street was on a hill We ran down the hill and it got uphill and he smoked three packs a day. Right. Yeah. We had a walk back, never fucking ran. It never happened again.

So that was like with the lunch thing, like they'd go like this, they'd go, we're not, you're bringing lunch. Then laziness hits them. We're bringing lunch. We're not doing this bullshit. Just during the day they're like, here's three dollars, can you get out of here?

Yeah. It's pizza day. It's pizza day. It's pizza day. We always had to say, me and my brother, mom do the same thing, you're packing your lunch. We'd go through the variety chip bag in about two hours. There'd be nothing left for the week. My school lunch favorite, you do a fish stick, you do a tater tot and a little canned string bean.

You do a hot dog, you do beans, a little sauerkraut. Okay, you do some chicken nuggets, you do french fries, you do a tater tot and a little canned string bean. You do a hot dog. You do beans with a little sauerkraut. Okay, you do some chicken nuggets. You do french fries. You do a little corn. I've never heard anybody like the vegetables. That's crazy. These are canned vegetables. They've got a lot of sugar.

They're very good. Canned green beans are awesome. Friday's pizza day. Nice pizza. Every now and then there'd be like, and then we, you know, for a while there in seventh and eighth grade, we actually had a little frozen yogurt machine,

a little fro-yo. No kidding. And this is a true story. There was, you allowed one little cup of sprinkles with the yogurt. I took a bunch of sprinkles. And the woman said to me, you're not allowed to take them. She was like a woman from like Eastern Europe.

And I told her, and again, I'm not saying this the way to act I was in eighth grade. Don't try this at home. You said you cannot have this one and I went hey, hey You were in this exact out Shut up she's from Eastern Europe. I don't know where she was from. Maybe the Balkans. Shut up. Could've been Delaware. She really had a hard life. And I just said shut up.

And she started crying like I've never seen a human being cry. She started bawling like I had told her that she was, that her kids had died. I said shut up. And she said no. And she just started crying. And she went to the principal. And she went to the principal. And

she went to the principal. And I had to sit in the principal's office. My head hurts. While he called my mother and father. And he finally got my mother. And he goes, is this Mrs. Dillon? And she said, yeah. And he goes, he just told one of the lunch aides to shut up. And she goes, I cannot believe he said that. And he goes, he stole sprinkles from the frozen yogurt. And she's told him he was not allowed to have them. And he told her to shut up. And then I went back to my house.

My mother said, you never say a word like that again. I can't believe you said that. And she goes, and what is this about the sprinkles? I said they give you one cup of sprinkles for the yogurt. She goes that is Fucking America that is absurd. Hey, this is communist. Jekyll's a blocky any big taxes. Okay, it's not Kosovo Make it make good with this spring. Yeah. What are we doing here? Come on. Give me those Okay What are we doing here? Come on give me those? Okay Can't but saw the good people about acorns. Yeah Cool gang as you know April is financial literacy month. That's right

They made a whole month reminding you to be Financially responsible and be in control of your money and the good news is you don't need 30 days to do it Nope acorns makes it easy to start saving and investing in your future in about five minutes. We're talking, you don't need to be an expert. Acorns will recommend a diversified portfolio that matches you and your money goals. You don't need to be rich.

Acorn lets you start investing with the spare change you got on you right now. Yeah, listen, I've been a big proponent of Acorns for years now. It's been the only way I've been able to scroll away a couple of bucks. That's it. I was unable to save until Acorns. That is a fact, baby. So if you sign up right now, join over the 14 million all-time customers who have already saved and invested over $25 billion with Acorns.

Head to Acorns.com. Acorns.com. Three grand, that's mine. Head to Acorns.com. slash garbage or download the Acorns app to get started. This is a paid client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote Acorns tier one compensation provided investing involves risk Acorn advisors LLC is an SEC registered investment advisor.

View important disclosures at acorns.com slash garbage. Do it. Not back to the show. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants his last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling,ning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Was the cereal on top of the fridge at your house growing up? Yes, it was.

Yes, it was. Apple Jacks, thank you very much. No kidding. Ooh, the fall. Wow. It's called the fall. Honey Nut Cheerios. Gentlemen.

Apple Jacks. I'd fight with her because I wanted Lucky Charms, but she didn't want it. She didn't like some of these things. They had Yellow Dye number three in it. But I'll tell you right now, just for a little segue here for cereal, a corn pop of course a nice corn pop a count chocula really yeah Wow cookie crisp that's what you were

getting these were well these were the fantasy items I didn't get them oh my mother okay bitch but like I was that makes sense all right waffle crisp like yeah okay like all of these things I wanted. But the kids who there was this kid, Ryan, they're all named Ryan. What the fuck? I'm just saying his parents were alcoholic drunks and they hung out at a bar called the Shamrock. And before we went into his house, he'd go, my house is really dirty. He was real embarrassed about his house.

OK, he lived by a bar called the Little Red Choo Choo. But his parents got into an altercation at the Choo Choo and they were only served at the Shamrock. Sure. This is all true. I could only serve at the Shamrock. Isle of Park, New York, someone in the comments will go, this is all, I don't have this imagination. Man, when a bartender says, I can't serve you anymore.

You walk in, Timmy, you know you're not allowed here. And he goes like this. The kid, Ryan, would go, my parents, they're not allowed at the Choo Choo. And so what happened was we would go to his house and he had the good stuff. Yeah, because parents are out fucking boozing. He had, the king for me was always Lucky Charms. That was the king. And he had it. And we would go over there and we'd eat Lucky Charms. That was the king. And he had it.

And we would go over there and we'd eat Lucky Charms with him and his parents would be passed out because they drank all night and they'd sleep all day. And every now and then we'd go into his house and he'd have like a black eye because it was sad. He fell down the stairs. It was really sad. And he'd have a black eye and then he'd go, yeah man, my house is really dirty. And it was sad. He fell down the stairs. It was really sad. Yeah. And he'd have a black eye. And then he'd go, yeah, man, my house is really dirty.

And it was tough. It was really, really hard. He had a hard life. Oh. And it says a lot. Do you stay in touch with him? Not really. Not really.

But you know. Still got that good cereal? You know, it was an eye opening for me. Sure. To see the struggles. That's what it takes to get the good cereal and but you know, happy with your cornflakes at the end of the day. I did enjoy that cereal and we were making his life better by going.

I agree because a lot of kids felt bad hanging out there. Would you add sugar to the stuff? So what would you actually get? Would you get the honey and Cheerios? But they buy a rice crispy or cornflake. They thought they were doing the right thing. Would you doctor that up with a little sugar, a little banana?

You would hit it with a little cane, a little raw cane sugar. My grandfather would hit it too. Some bananas on a corn flake, you hit it with a little sugar. I like special K, special K's not bad. Delicious. Special K's not that bad. No, not at all.

Has a sweetness for it, okay. Favorite kind of Dorito. Cool Ranch, very, very simple. Very nice. What about a bugle? I like a bugle. My grandmother loved a bugle with three doers on a rocks and a bugle. A bugle kicker.

Three doers on a rocks and a bowl of bugles. She was off to the races. A little BBC British crime drama. A couple of bugles. That's a wild combo. Off to the races. I get it. Wild combo. Off to the races. Just salty enough. Was there ever a couple of bugles. That's a wild combo. Off to the races. I get it. Wild combo. Off to the races. Just salty enough. Was there ever a bowl of nuts in the house,

like on the coffee table? No. Never. We didn't really have a bowl of nuts. The walnuts, the crackers, nothing like that? Every now and then we didn't have anything for anyone. It was not like the house where it was like, oh, you're here. Have some of this.

OK. We didn't really have any of that. Around Easter, we'd have maybe a bowl of that. Okay. We didn't really have any of that. Around Easter we'd have maybe a bowl of candy or around like Christmas we might have some Christmas M&Ms out. Yeah. Were you one of those families that had like the stand with the hook for the for the bushel of bananas? No. No. Those guys. They just sat on the table. The bushel sat on the kids bed. Yeah. they'd put them in the freezer and say they're gonna make banana bread out of them.

They'd find them like a year later back there. I mean, yeah, it was, you know. Have you ever had a tennis racket? We had rackets we played, we tried to play a little bit. Like that's another thing my dad would be like, we're gonna make him into a tennis player. We'll make him into an actor, he'll be a swimmer. And then you know what I ended up being?

A cocaine addict. So really what they ended up doing was just making me into a cocaine addict. A closeted gay cocaine addict who enthusiastically supported the Iraq war. And had a hankering for Count Chocula. So you know, it's a it's a they didn't really hit the it was a moving target. Huh, I got one more about the childhood it was a moving target. Sure. Huh. I got one more about the childhood. Who's the most famous person you met as a kid? Good question.

Could have been a newscaster. Mark Spitz. He was an Olympic swimmer. No kidding. Mark Spitz. He came, because my mom was a swim coach and I was on a swim team. And pretty good. I think I said to him, I'm like, you do butterfly butterfly do butterfly. I'd love to be in the Olympics. I

think he's like alright get away from me. He's gremlin away from me. It's going through my pockets. You like Lucky Charms? He's like if you're taking it if you're taking this so seriously, why are you smoking a cigarette? Why are you smoking in the pool? You're in the pool. I said later, I like Newports, they raise your high 15%. Did you know that Mark Spitz, Olympic swimmer, they kick your high up about 15%. That's too good.

Not being in the city, but did you ever walk to work? Did you ever have to walk to work? No. Okay. I always had a car. I took the bus. I didn't always have a car, but I never worked close enough to my house I took a bus took a public bus a bus all the time whoa oh, yeah, oh

Yeah, that's crazy. That's right. I had to be different long islands public transportation has to be different You're still in the suburbs. You're still in the bar sure,. But here's the deal. Nobody on the bus. It's not a good scene. No one's killing it. It's not a good scene. It's a bunch of guys who had dewey's and all that. You know, it's some old people, a lot of people carrying clothes, a couple of undesirables. Yes. Whoa. OK. What did Hillary say? Basket of deplorables. That was the bus. That was the real basket of deplorables.

Have you ever sat at the desk at a bank? You ever sat at the desk? Yeah, I was a mortgage guy for years. That's true. Of course. But have you ever been on the other side of that? Yeah, I was told many times they were closing my account. Any times I'd walk in and they'd go, you haven't made a payment in three months. And I'd sit there and I'd go, is something wrong? I've been embarrassed in banks, shamed rather. I mean mean I lost a house. I had my house was more closed

I had no credit for years and I go to the bad We said like an ill-fitting suit and I'd sit down and they'd go Mr. Dillon you can't even your account was closed and I'd always be working I'd always make a seller mortgage after three months of earning no money Mm-hmm, and I go I hear the deposit a, sell a mortgage after three months of earning no money. And I'd go, I hear the deposit or check, they'd go, your account's closed and we can't reopen it. You gotta settle up, you're always like 600 or something.

Then I just quietly put the check back in my thing and go, I'll see ya, I'll get on that. I don't have that on me right now. I'll get on that and then she goes, you can pay it out of your check. I go, yeah, yeah. And then I'd go to the check cashing place and then put the cash right in the pocket.

Love the check cashing. I love the check cashing. I love the check cashing. Take the 20 the cash right in the pocket Check cash. I love a check 20 bucks Take care take a taste of Friday. Take a day. Give me some cash. I need it now I go right to the Imperial Diner and live like a person gentlemen Okay Speaking of diet breakfast you're say you're at a hotel Do you prefer the breakfast at the hotel restaurant or you get the room service? Deliver what do you prefer? I'm like a room service delivery. I don't really want to see everybody that early Let me ease into the day and then do you let the guy come in or do you stop him at the door and say?

I'll take it depends what I've ordered. Okay, if I'm really going to hell with myself. You might have to set it up There's a team out there You might have to set it up. There's a team out there. You might have to set it up. Are we doing anything table side? It really depends on what's coming in. Is there a Hawaiian fire dancer? Is there a Hawaiian fire dancer going to come in and announce

the food like a special meal? They're making the guacamole table side. If I just did a breakfast burrito, I'll just take it from them at the door. If they send in a Hawaiian fire dancer and they got a pig on a spit. Mr. Dillon, where would you like the omelet bar? Over by the ironing board, please.

If they're making waffles and stuff, if we're getting into it and having fun, I might have three or four of them in a room for the duration of the meal. Will you make your own waffle at a hotel in the breakfast? I don't go to them anymore. If I bump into you at a holiday and express, I made one recently. No, no, no. By the way, I actually like, would like to just go in and make a waffle and leave. I don't want to stay there,

but I like that process. Yes, I like spraying it down with Pam. I like spraying it with a chemical Pam. Sure. I like putting the put in the wall. And you know what they do? They they measure out how much of a course you need for the waffle. You don't have to think about it. You don't have to think about it. But I go let's do a little extra. I like to see it drip out of course. And then you turn it around. But it's a guy I love. that was my favorite thing as a kid the Marriott breakfast buffet me and my mother

Because she hated my father would take me to the Marriott breakfast buffet We'd sit there we'd eat for two and a half hours and then go to sleep for the whole day Isn't it crazy? Hey, would you think you wouldn't stay at the hotel? You would just go there for breakfast dad breakfast buffet So we would just drive 40 minutes from my house to the Marriott, and we'd have the Marriott breakfast buffet. And my father would stay home and watch Hercules and then Xena Warrior Princess, which were the offerings on WPIX 11. Made a lot of money on those two shows, though.

I mean, Lucy Lawless, Kevin Sorbo, Chit-Chin. They were big. Ah, OK. It was the same scene, just just a bunch guys with jugs and a thing having fights Stupid I just say about the waffle station is with all the insurance things Yeah, you know you take the high dives away. You take this way take that away. You got this Burning hot thing you can't would think that would be gone by take it all away You got a thin the herd somehow. You can't take it all away. You got a thin to hurt somehow. Oh, Ryan. You can't take it all away. You gotta give him something. You gotta give him something. You don't get a lot here, but you do get a nice hot waffle. I'll give you that. You get a hot waffle.

Go burn yourself. You get a hot waffle. I love how your take is you don't get a lot here. Yeah. Well, you know, you're not getting health care. You get a waffle. You know, you get to make your own waffle. Make your own waffle. Wow. I saw Yeah. Okay. Man. Tim, let me ask you this. Is it ground beef? Or is it hamburger meat? No one's ever thought about this they just knee-jerk react well they're idiots To me I Was called hamburger meat from it

Well while I was growing up and then it became ground beef I don't know how it out running and you're running in class of your circles Yeah, that's what happened for sure when you moved up to the 90 10 Yeah, I mean my grandmother liked in 80 20 I still like an 80 20 you need 20 fat in there. Of course, of course. We all know that Milkwise, I'm sure we've answered this but let's just run back. It's whole all day. Well for sure, but here's a reality We had a lot of we had a lot of options We had 1% 2% like because that's the idea of like hey, it's okay. It's good for you

Yeah, a little skim. for you. Mm hmm. Good for you. Yeah. Have a little skim. Do you shake it like water? Do you shake the milk up when you when you pull it out of the fridge? Yeah, you go like this up and down. Yeah. OK. Very good. Very good. Back to hotels real quick. Will you use the hotel pool at any point? Of course.

That's like the Ritz and a Four Seasons. Yeah. The outdoors, not an indoor pool. We won't do an indoor hotel pool. Really? Google it. My favorite. Google it and hit news. You'll get things you didn't know you could get. I'm giving them things. You'll get amoebas crawling in or orifices. The inside the hotel pool worries me a little bit.

Outdoors, we hope, you know, it's adequately chlorinated. I just did it in Milwaukee. I get a little nervous in the indoor pool. Unless it's like connected to a rec center, college or something. But if we're talking just a little dumpy real pool, you open it up,

it's real hot in there. It smells like the chlorine. It's not great. Okay, fair enough. Fair enough. You ever take a picture with money? Maybe as a phone, flexing. I never did that. I never took a picture once. Maybe as a phone flexing. I never did that. I never took a picture with money. I think I took a picture once with a

check I got from my communion. I think it was a $1000 check my grandparents gave me. Was it one of the big ones? No, it was a little check and then my parents stole it and took the money. Yeah, they did. They stole the Jewish kids for their

bar mitzvahs get thousands and thousands of dollars. I don't know one Catholic that ever got a nickel of their communion money, myself included. I got maybe 1200 altogether. People gave you a hunch, 50, whatever. Never saw it. Never saw it. Yeah, they never saw it. How much was the fucking hoagie tray? Yeah, it was never. They stole it and they paid the bills with it. Yeah, that's what they did. I respect it. They put the lights on and my mom played defense on that till I was in college I thought I had that coming like, you know, yeah through high school

I'm like I still got that when I wanted to buy a car we should sue What are you leaving for the maid at the hotel cash wise one night you're in one night Do I see her? No. This is not a good answer. Well, what do you mean? Do I see her? Well, do I see the maid?

No, you're in, you check in Friday, you're checking out Saturday. Go to where am I leaving this magic money for the maid on the dresser? Do you think the maids get that money? Who do you think's getting the money? Anybody. You don't leave cash? You leave cash for maid you haven't seen. Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Oh, you're getting beat. First of all, it won't even be the maid that does your room. It's gonna be another maid. Do you understand what I mean? So the maid who worked her ass off has already left. She's at her house sleeping.

You leave cash, the person just walks in and grabs it. Mine's coming for the maid that's cleaning up after me. The guy who refills the minibar just took that money. There's three or four people in that room, somebody's getting that money. I will give the maid cash if I see her. I'll give her 50 or 100 if I see her. If I don't see her, then you know someone else is taking that money. Okay, listen, I'm not pushing back on that.

I'm telling you the way the world works. I'm here to learn. Those minibar restockers, that's. I got it. OK. Yeah. Listen, I'm not pushing back on it. I'm telling you the way the world works. I know. I'm here to learn. Those mini bar restockers, that's a shifty bunch. You think he's not taking the money? They show up at like 830 in the morning. They're taking the money. Get out of here. By the way, also, there's a hotel staff will do a room check to see if the room's been cleared. Is it been cleared? Yeah.

They take the money. They all take the money. Man. OK. So guess what what very smart. I keep the money I have I have to a charity for what he is It was not on crack again another question to the big man went out to a nice dinner What was the river cafe? Romantic beautiful you see the whole day He did a thing that I thought was a little

He was you know we have inferiority complex. We don't belong in places like that. You know a little bit sometimes. Yeah He did a thing where like anybody he saw on the way that he was tipping cash to like The hostess they got that the person that's a nice thing to do. He said everybody. That's a nice thing Dxl pink blazer on Timmy. It's a nice thing to really the Excel pink blaze It's nice thing to do to hit everybody like that Okay, you you know you hit him like that for a little bit. I stopped hitting everybody can't hit everybody can't hit everybody No, I hit a valet nice Well, you told you were nice enough to take a step to tip a lot at at a restaurant

Always I tip a lot of money in a restaurant, but I can't tip everybody sure Understandable the valet guys at the walls at the Beverly Hills Hotel you took us out to a nice lunch They love you must be greasing this shit. They love nice to all everybody I'm nice to everyone in a job like that and if you're not you're a monster sure you know what I mean unless they wrong me Then it's a van that I would that be Sprinkle they took the car the other day. They said they detailed it. They didn't. So I went on a podcast and lit them up.

I told anyone in the area to go by and shoot them in the head. I said if you're in that area, go kill one of them. No, I'm kidding. The Beverly Hills are telling me, they apologize to me. They go, we're sorry, we did beat you. I said I paid $400. You said you detailed it. It it's not detailed it looks like shit That's a service that a valet will do. Pablo at the Beverly Hills Hotel who's class

handled it. You also you had just I think recently when we were with you I bought a Bentley and the floor mats you were switching out the floor mats and you gave the floor mats to the valet guys Yeah, the old brand in the floor the old Bentley floor. I got your take these. It's nice for them Very nice. Were you going to stay at the hotel? Were you going to stay at the hotel or just having lunch? I was staying I did well What time was which time when they valet when you're the one that detail you had a detail? I'm staying there No kidding. So I stay there and they Fucked me over what they didn't do it, but they didn't do it and they realize they go. Yeah, they're scuff marks is bad shit

I don't know you get that done at a hotel Yeah, if they but you know you got to be careful, but they're good. They're actually great people It's the best hotel in the country. They're great people great check and the great chicken fingers And you know it's it's killer all around there is that your statement is that the best hotel in the country you feel? I think it's the top three. No kidding. Yeah. Wow. It's amazing. It's great.

You feel good there. Food's good. The service is great. I also love it because, you know, go to Comedy Story and like it's, you know, things I do are around there. Let's say, obviously, you got a place in New York. What hotel you staying in in New York?

No place. Either the Mark on 77 to Madison or Casa Cipriani, which is downtown by the Staten Island ferry. I don't even know what those are. Yeah. This guy's good. Where are you staying at in Austin? An ambulance.

I'm staying in an ambulance. I stayed the four seasons. Okay. Very nice. And then I... We got thrown out of that joint. Yeah, I get in the first class. I'm sitting there in first class.

Grace O'Malley slides in next to me. She goes, I'm next to you in first class. I go, great. I said to the person, I go, how about a rack of lamb while we wait? They go, they're doing some, they got to count the baggage by hand. I said, let's get the bread pudding. Let's get the bread pudding going for me and Grace here. We're going to sit here for an hour.

We're not sitting here for our health. Crack a lamb. In your bathroom at your house or houses, do you have a cup next to the sink in the bathroom? I used to, but now I just lay it on the thing and it's actually more disgusting, but I do have a cup in Manhattan at the thing. Yeah, to put the toothpaste and all that.

I was thinking to drink out of. Oh, interesting. I'm such a garbage person. I will put the two thing so it doesn't lay at the thing. Yeah, to put those toothpaste and all that. I was thinking to drink out of. Oh, interesting. I'm such a garbage person. I will put the two thing so it doesn't lay on the thing. Yeah, I get that. Will you, if you're in a hotel room, will you use that glass cup to like wash your meal?

Sometimes, yeah. Would you ever use the coffee machine in the hotel room? No, because I always fuck it up. Okay. Really? But not because of grossed out purposes. Well, it probably is gross, but I also can't do it. Okay, really but not because of grossed out purposes. Well, it probably is gross Yeah, but I also can't do it. Okay, I respect it uh

I just it's just me hitting an espresso with my you know, will you say you're at a hotel again? I don't know if you're staying at a hotel that's not doesn't have room service. Well, you know sometimes I do Will you will you uber eat something Taco Bell is to move uber eats Taco Bell late after a you Uber eat something Taco Bell is to move Uber eats Taco Bell late after a show you get a Taco Bell. You got a Taco Bell for the the openers for yourself. You know sure you

get that you get that delivered and you go down to the front desk and meet them. Yeah. Can I ask you this? I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this and I'm kind of outing myself here. Yeah. Uh with the boys are not going to be happy with this. We never believed anything you said about the last run either.

How do you feel about the Taco Bell Cantina items? I don't fuck with them. Tim, am I wrong? Buddy, do yourself a favor. You got to do a little audible. I will try that chicken taco with the cheese on the outside. Throw a little bit of lettuce tomato on there. It is unbelievable. I've stayed away from the canteen items. I've I like to Mexican pizza chicken quesadilla.

I love I love a cheese gordita crunch. Of course, I'll play around with that. A lot of burrito every now and then. Or, you know, whatever. Maybe I'll do a spicy bean and cheese, whatever. But to me, what needs to come back is a Taco Bell grilled stuffed burrito from the 90s. I agree.

Let me explain to you why. Because it was a tortilla, it was the original grilled stuffed burrito, beef. They had the creamy Baja sauce, which they no longer have. You had a three cheese blend. You had Taco Bell salsa in it okay and it was they grilled the shit out and refried beans they grilled the shit out of it back then it was a brick you would get a brick okay you hear a pin drop in

the studio and it wasn't too complicated get the lettuce And the tomato out of this shit. I'm in are you out of your name in mind I want the creamy the creamy Baja sauce is actually a creamy pepper jack sauce It's really pepper jack sauce. I never put them together Tim. It's actually out of fucking control It's a creamy pepper jack sauce It's a it's the beans the way you had a brick in your hand It's a it's the beans the way you had a brick in your hand Then you eat it and it was just spicy enough just creamy enough But it didn't have this garbage where you open the brick now talk about you get a burrito sometimes you open it up I go what am I looking at all you just saw then was brown

Just brown it was punctuated by a little bit of goo. And it was just perfect and the heat level the crispiness of the tortilla and then bite into it and there was so much it was like eating like a plaster that they had made it was what you ever seen cement. I was eating a cement but it was punctuated by a creamy pepper Jack the Baja sauce and that kind of the peak of the guy oh so there was a spice to it. It lifted you up. It did.

Eloquent. Yes, very much so. You're in town now, where are you gonna hit dinner? What's a nice dinner for you now? Where are you hitting when you're in New York? You know, I gotta be honest, New York right now, a lot of people go to these places where they're like the Instagram me

It's Instagram me and they're like, hey, we got a French Dipper. We get this we get that look It's a grown-up totino's piece to roll, but then you pay 70 bucks You do feel like you're getting you're getting banged over the head for no reason I still think the best things in New York are like, I said it on Stav's pod, like you go out to Rindazzo's clam bar and Sheeps at Bay, calamari with a big ladle of red sauce on it, you know, you go do a good pizza, you know, your pizza Suprema 32nd and 8th, you order a New York style pizza.

Like, you know, I think people overthink it here. There's obviously great restaurants here and everything like that, but I'm about to go out east for the summer and then I I'm into like just fish You know fried clam strips living on the island lobster roll get lobster salad you put it in a Martin's potato roll I'd be for this if I didn't plug Whoo, how you doing? It's a little breakfast. I'd be remiss if we didn't plug you check out I don't know if you have Christie's pizza green out there in Greenpoint Yeah, fan fucking master. I'm great master pie. Mm-hmm Wow man

Have you ever been in a Capital One cafe? I have not I hate those fucking sadly Here's what I will tell you. I was buying Vicodin with my Secretary she's sitting in the front row, larger woman. I make a left from the right lane to go into a Capitol one so she can get her money out. This was many, many years ago. We get hit head on a grandmother and her family.

I hit them head on. Her head bounces off the glove box. She has a big, like a big, like a baseball size knot filling with blood on her head. The grandma and the kids are all taken to the hospital. Needless to say, there's no Vicodin, but that's as close as we got to the Capitol One, a head-on collision, head-on,

the car Pepsi canned and everything. Because we like to take Vicodin while we sat in the office. It was nothing to do with, we would just sit there, itch ourselves, and order food. There's nothing wrong with it. Yeah. Nothing wrong. I've always said a Percocet, cup of coffee, and a, and order food. There's nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong.

I've always said a Percocet, cup of coffee, and a cigarette in the morning. It's not wrong. It gets you in the mood to take a sales call and go like this. Somebody go, I don't want it. You go, all right. Oh, god. Will you chew ice?

Do you chew your ice? My grandmother loved to chew ice. It's one of my memories of her. She loved your ice? My grandmother loved to chew ice. It's one of my memories of her. She loved to chew ice. She loved to chew ice. You? I'm not a huge chewing ice fan. Will you spit it back?

Say you haven't taken a sip of soda. Yeah. Piece of ice goes in your mouth. You spit it back in the cup? I'll crunch it. Okay. I'll break it in half and then spit half back in. I don't let it beat me.

Interesting. Anymore. Very interesting. What are you drinking on a plane? Always water. Just Interesting. Anymore. Very interesting. What are you drinking on a plane? Always water. Just water. I'm a water guy.

Or tea or coffee. Are you dinging a bell for it to get the attention or are you waiting until she makes the rounds? I don't know. I'm usually not dinging the bell. Okay. I'm usually not dinging the bell. Respect it. How do you feel as a whole about its rise, about its popularity, about its existence really, of the birthday cake flavor.

Well, let me go into this actually because I'm happy you asked this. My thoughts on this are evolving. Really? Yes. Early on when birthday cake flavor was introduced, let's be honest, before 2010 no one had heard of it. We're talking about the early aughts here. The birthday cake flavor is introduced. Let's be honest, before 2010, no one had heard of it. We're talking

about the early aughts here. The birthday cake flavor is introduced. The earliest and most mainstream application of this flavor was something called Birthday Cake Remix from Cold Stone Creamery. It was Cold Stone. That was the big one. Cold Stone Creamery introduces this flavor in 2010. There's a mortgage crisis. People are suffering. They're losing their homes. They're lining up. The Cold Stone employees are singing. They're making ice cream. Many of them are on pills and they can't see their children unless there's a police officer present.

The birthday cake flavor comes in to make everything a party. Nothing's a party. Nothing's a party. Okay. Oh, you thought you're going to retire with the equity in this house. Now you're living in an apartment again. Nothing's a party. Here? Oh, you thought you were gonna retire with the equity in this house? Now you're living in an apartment again. Nothing's a party, here comes the birthday cake flavor. Oh, there's sprinkles in it. Is it your birthday? No, I'm actually living in hell. So this flavor comes in, then everybody gets it.

It gets cheap. I don't like it anymore. It feels very chemical. I don't like the birthday cake flavor. I've turned like it anymore. It feels very chemical. I don't like the birthday cake flavor. I've turned on it completely. And I really have disappointed. By the way, you know what else this happened to? Because we can't have nice things.

Everything became about salted caramel. And what happened was, what was a really awesome thing, got watered down, bastardized, and now it sucks. A lot of the salted caramel things you have suck. Some of them are good, but a lot of them suck because everybody went hard into this flavor. We get obsessed with these s'mores. Everything became about s'mores,

and then it became like, what is this? You know, it just, it gets ruined. What are your thoughts on the Everything Bagel seasoning? I like it, but I also think that it's like, you know, to me, it's like I want a bagel. Yeah. I want a bagel. I'm right there with you. That to me is the new next thing that it's like everywhere you go, it's like put the

seasoning, put a little seed, put it in the hummus, put it on this, put it on that. Certain things shouldn't be for everybody. I want a bagel and to me, it's like I don't like half measures. I'm right there with you,. Right there you get me. Wow. I mean you know. Yeah. Jesus.

Do you remember any of your AOL screen names or early email addresses? Um. He's deep in thought. He's going back. BK for life. 122. BK for life. Is that Brooklyn or Burger King? It was a play on things because I used to argue, and I still will argue this that the Burger

King French Toast stick was one of the most influential things I've ever had in my life. It changed my life. The Burger King French Toast stick. It's like you're in here. Okay, that it's like you're right because the McGriddle does not run. Now Burger King French Toast stick doesn't walk.

You are not wrong. And here's the thing Burger Burger King has fallen far. But there was a time when it was a nice time because you had a crinkle cut pickle. McDonald's had a regular pickle. They were contending. They had a crinkle cut pickle at Burger King. You had a flame broiled whopper at Burger King. There was a time when Burger King was in the game.

It is not in the game right now. And it is a fucking tragedy. I have to get FEMA camp when you walk in there. I have a theory. Yes. That I have expressed to Kevin in private. Yes that our Culture. Yes as Americans correct. We are the coolest at times in history where Burger King and Pepsi are The driving force when Burger King and Pepsi when they're on it's illegal. It's actually beautiful to hear someone articulate that with words. We are at our coolest when Burger King's popping and Pepsi's popping.

Because we need the underdog to thrive. We need the underdog to thrive in this country. Was Burger King my favorite? Absolutely not. Was there a time when it was hot? Amen. Who was mad at a croissant witch? Was someone mad at that? Absolutely not but did I are there a time when it was hot amen was there a time when you had a crew who was mad at a croissant which Was someone mad at that when the chicken was someone mad at that when the chicken fry hit it was alright So it was all right there were time. I actually think there were the times of the most racial harmony as well

You know what I agree. They were united. I agree. So that to me is a sad story. These are sad stories. These are sad stories. But we could get it back. His great name was Burger King Lover. No, for life. For life. But guess what? Not for life now. We could get it back. We could be cool again. That's right. Just one crispy chicken sandwich away. What is the biggest disappointment fast food wise? I'll tell you right now. I'll tell you right now. What'd you say? No, please. The because I was gonna agree with you. I thought you said the thing I was gonna say.

Guys are the biggest fall that has ever happened in this country. From a restaurant that was one of the greats to something that is now nothing and that is Wendy's. Wendy's in the 90s was the premiere you would go there and have a burger that was one of the greats to something that is now nothing, and that is Wendy's. Wendy's in the 90s was the premier, you would go there and have a burger that was amazing. It was a square patty, you'd get a gold wrapper, Monterey Ranch, chicken sandwich, ranch in, bacon in the ranch, fresh never frozen,

a salad bar that included chocolate pudding and slices of pineapple, how about you go fuck yourself? And this was, you would leave your job, maybe the debt collection agency or at the rec center. You'd go in there and you'd put a feed bag on, oh, a baked chili baked potato? Maybe I will stay married. And now, now it is hell.

You would get a salad there with bacon, cheddar cheese, ranch dressing, croutons, you'd pile it pilot high I mean the steakhouse bacon cheeseburger Wendy's the Monterey ranch chicken sandwich at Wendy's Wendy's was amazing and it has fallen far shame the thickness of that shredded yellow cheddar cheese at the salad bar covered in ranch with a slab of chocolate pudding on the side we've discussed this it still holds true to this moment you couldn't be more right talk Talk about a Maverick, a big

potato at a fast food restaurant. Then it works. They did things. Dave Thomas. Now you go to Wendy's and everyone's confused. It's everyone's confused. It's some Norwegian who just got off a plane and they don't know what's happening. No one is excited at a Wendy. It's just Norwegian who just got off a plane and they don't know what's happening. No one is excited at a Wendy. It's just kids go in there to film fights. They go in there to curb stomp a bitch and film it.

That is all Wendy's are used for now. They're used for inner city fights and they know it. They go, that's the only reason we exist is for inner city TikTok brawls. I mean, what else could we say? I mean, yeah, you know, he did himself yet again. You did. You're really hope to God. I don't know if we'll get past the first because the first is special time, but this is also a special time.

And my hope is that it goes big. I think it will. Timmy, this is the hope. I think it will is that it goes big. I think it will. Timmy? This is the hope. I think it will. This is the hope. I think it will. As we said at the beginning of the program,

a true American profit. I'm gonna say that. Well, that's very sweet of you. The special, I'm your mother, out on Netflix right now. Do yourself a favor. Kill it. And let me make one food prediction before we leave please Let me make one food prediction. I could be wrong on this. Okay?

I'm gonna tell you right now watch out for the return of Sherbert buddy. I just was about to ask you where you have Sherbert family growing up It's right there the return of Sherbert think is I'm telling you we're going in an interesting direction now sherbert's coming back mm-hmm sherbert is it rainbow or is it orange I'm not God holy shit Timmy D. Kippy what do you got for guys the are you garbage card game is available on are you garbage calm and tour dates coming very soon. Get them tickies.

Watch Tim Special, listen to the show. Go see him. Go see him out on the road. One of the absolute best. Yeah, thank you, buddy. We love you. Gang, we love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.