Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tom Papa!

Episode Date: December 19, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by the hilarious Tom Papa! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Buy the New Years Day Livestream w/ Are You Garbage and Special Guests https://www.moment.co/ayg NYC! Get Tickets to the Gramercy Show, Access Code: GARBAGE https://www.livenation.com/event/k7vGF99hSu4jM/are-you-garbage-podcast Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Adam & Eve: https://www.adamandeve.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Rocket Money: rocketmoney.com/garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Stop the show gang. We got an important announcement. The boys are doing a live stream new year's day. Come hang out with the squad down here with Toadies. We're going to have some special guests. Might be an appearance from Patty and Denise. You don't know what's going to happen. It's going to be a good time. Get a hair and a dog in you. Kickoff 2023 right. And that ain't it you bozos. We got a third show at the Gramercy Theater. Shout out to the Army of Garbage baby. We're on sale now. Our third show. It's going to be February 3rd. That's a Friday night. Get your tickets now. New York City Army of Garbage. Let's go. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals

or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage? A little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your hostage H Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Aunt Toadies' basement. She's upstairs. Has her eye on that new divorcee that moved in across the street. Okay. Says he's easy pickings. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He's an international businessman but he always gives back to the community. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan everybody. Hey, what's up everybody. Thanks

for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. Truder out. Over 100,000 baby. Then obviously, the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage. Love that money baby. Then we just announced our third date at the Gramercy Theater. Uh-oh. It's on sale. We sold out the first two in like two days. Get those tickets to the third one before they sell out to it. Do it gang. And grab tickets to the live stream. And the live stream on January 1st. New Year's Day. Come see us gang. It's going to be fun and have a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire. The magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones and twos, crosses

the T's, dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullen everybody. T-Bone. Hey, what's up dude? What's up? I'm excited. Nope. This guy didn't bring us bread but he did bring us Al Capone's hat. I know. Classy gentleman in here. Gang, the long hair ain't lying because we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time. He is a legendary stand-up comedian, actor, writer, podcaster, and producer. And you may have seen him in but not limited to. Here we go. We got Bee Movie, Analyze That, New Adventures of Old Christine, The Informant, Behind the Candelabra, Inside Amy Schumer, Top Five, The Nick, The Jim Gaffigan Show, Red Oaks, Paper Spiders, North Hollywood.

He has two Comedy Central Presents. He wrote 22 episodes of The Marriage Ref. You've also seen him in The Comedian. Carson Daly, Conan O'Brien, The Late Show, Oprah, Ever Heard of Her, Jimmy Kimmel Live, Last Com Extending, Your Mom's House, The Tonight Show, This Is Not Happening, Cop Show, Larry Wilmore, Craig Ferguson, Something's Burning, WTF, Colbert, Lights Out with David Spade, Joe Rogan, Seth Meyers, and he's going to be in the brand new Ben Affleck, Matt Damon movie entitled Air Jordan. You can hear him every week on his amazing podcast Breaking Bread with Tom Papa and a serious XM show with Fortune Feamster. What a joke. Specials include, Com, Cool and Collected, Tom Papa Live in New York City, Freaked Out, Human Mule,

Human Mule, You're Doing Great, and he has a brand new Netflix special out right now called What A Day, but the big question, but he's mind, is he garbage? Like the boy said, first gotta walk in here with a fedora and pull it off. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Mr. Tom Papa. What a day. What an intro. Tommy. Congratulations, sir. Thank you very much. Why live stream on New Year's Day? It's like a hangover show. We're going to do live stream for you and you know, hangover. A little bit of Hair of the Dog, you know. So how do you play? Will you just go rip it up on New Year's and kind of come in a mess or do you dial it back? That's the plan. No, we're going heavy. Yeah, come correct or don't come at all, Tom.

I like it. I like it. I'm going to come in hammering. I'm going to be drinking Alka Seltzer's and vodka. I got to be honest. I opened the door to let Tom, I thought he was a hit man. I thought, I was like, I thought he was the landlord about to a victim. I didn't know what was going on. This is the classiest dress guy we've had in here. Jimmy Skagnetti says hello. Jesus. That's a sharp hat man. Yeah. Get the cannoli. I'm imagining that you're going to be all class. You're a sharp guy. You carry yourself very sharp. I'm very interested. But he is from Jersey, I believe. That's a little dirt under the finger now. Good point. Good point. Give us the origin story of Tom Papa. Give us the give us the whole scoop. Born in Passaic, New Jersey.

Okay. grew up as a Jersey kid. My parents met in high school. They're still together now. Nice. I'm the oldest of three. Okay. Younger sisters grew up mostly in Park Ridge and Wilcliffe Lake, New Jersey. Okay. Up north. Went to high school there. I was class clown and captain of the football team. Man, this guy does it all. I had the combo. And then I prom king and prom queen. Wanted to be wanted to be a comedian since I was seventh grade. Okay. And my parents wanted me to go to college. So I went to Ryder College. Yeah, my brother went there. Yeah, semester. Nice way. There's a lot of that. I describe it as down the street from Princeton. You go to Princeton. Down the street. Right down 95. Yeah, right. You play ball there? You play

football there? No, that's why I went there was they had gotten in trouble and their football program was disbanded. They had no football. And I was done with football. I went from kindergarten to 12th grade. And I was I was my high school career. I was full back in defensive end. And I was but I was done. I knew I wasn't going to keep this North Jersey. You're playing. This is North Jersey. Haska Hills. That's pretty good squad. It was a good squad. Yeah, it was a good squad. A lot of talented kids. We were like a little over. We were probably we missed like we had a coach fall out our senior year. They fired our coach and brought a new guy in kind of messed everything up. But we were we were winning like all the way through. And then that year was

just kind of done and I was done. Just yeah, I'm not yeah, I'm not gonna my father was like maybe play Division three. And I was like, maybe not. Maybe maybe it's time to go be a comedian. You're like mean Joe, I'm icing your knees. You're 18. I want to spend more time with my family. So I went there because they they had theater department, but they didn't have football. Okay. And so kind of took it out of that debate out of out of the house. So then I went there. I started acting and stuff. Got through four years, got out, graduated, graduated. Yeah. Acting in communications. Okay. And but spend all my time in the theater. The whole time was just in the theater doing the plays. That was it. I just did that nonstop. Got out of school, moved up to

the Paramus, lived in Paramus and saw in the village voice that I started it took some acting classes and I was like, how do I audition for stuff? What were you doing in Paramus? It was close to the city. Okay. And I couldn't afford the city yet. And I was but I wanted to be a comedian. And I realized I opened the village voice and so I can do an open mic at New York Comedy Club, or I could try and get parts like through. I was like, well, this seems sounds better. Yeah, just go do the thing. Five of my friends sit in the audience. I'm going to be on stage on June 12 1993. There you go. And I went and I did it. And I was hooked. The only other comedian in the place was Greg Geraldo, who was a young grad. Shout out to the greatest. You're waiting

to go on all nervous. And we became pals. And then I just started. I was like, I was hooked. And you know, the first couple first three years you do like one set every two months or so. But you're a comedian. I felt like I was a comedian. I stayed in New York, became a comic. Eventually met my wife, who was a comedian at the comic strip when I was passing. Okay, she grew up in the same hometown that I grew up in. Did you know her there? The same kindergarten teacher. We were a year apart, never met. Really? Yeah, that was my opening line. Did you have Ms. Conway for kindergarten? Yeah, and I was like, so then we we had all the shared history and stuff. Sure. Like, oh, we're gonna, we're gonna get married, right? And I said to her like immediately,

you're gonna have my babies. And she that's not off putting up front. She got she did shots the rest of the night and threw up in my bathtub. No lie. She was like, what is your plan? And uh, so uh, became a comic met her in 93 became a comic. In 93, we started living with her around 98. Okay. Had our first baby in got married had her in 2000 had her first baby like 2002 had two kids just went through the ranks and did all the stuff that you were mentioning in that great intro. And um, and now my kids are 17 and 20. And I'm here with you guys. Talk about an elevator pitch. I mean, this guy's gonna play you. I see a young Joe Namath playing you. Um, take me back to take you back to Jersey.

What's your mom and dad do? What'd your dad do for a living? My father was in sales. Okay. He was in early communications companies. So like, uh, GTE and those kind of companies were like, it was the beginning of, uh, what is now like, you know, the big communication companies was the beginning of that. And he was a salesman old school, old school. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, he was very successful. He became like the national guy. He was, he was into sales, but he was also, uh, he also rode motorcycles was not into like corporate culture, but he was in there. That's what his career was. Renegade. But he was a renegade. Okay. He would come to my games when I was a kid and like on his motorcycle. What are we talking about? Choppers?

No, like, uh, like Harleys, eventually it was all Harleys. Okay. Before that it was like Big Honda, Goldwings and stuff like that. But then it was electric lights and, and all that stuff. It's pretty sweet. Yeah. What about your mom? My mom was a mom for the beginning. And then when I was around, uh, maybe like junior high, she went back to school to get her degree. Okay. Got her degree, started a small advertising agency on her own, uh, in Northern New Jersey. The whole lot of them. And she also drove race cars. Park at my games in a race car. And, uh, she started a small advertising agency and did that for like, I don't know, 15 years or so. Damn. Where'd she go back to school? Where'd she get her degree?

Gramma Po. Okay. And where'd your dad go to school? My father went to Upsala. Okay. Which if you're going down the garden state parkway, like when you get into the, it's gone now. Okay. But if you go down the garden state parkway, there's like a field when you get in the oranges, there's like this old field over there. That's where he played football. Okay. So he was division three. Like, he was really good. Like he went to Clifton high school is where they met. And he was the captain of that team. And that was back. Like when you see pictures, like now it's unusual to see a guy in a hat. The pictures of him playing in high school, it'd be 3000 people in hats. Sure. Like hats, jackets, high school football. Like it was the thing. Yeah. And, uh, and they was the state

champ and all that stuff. So he went to division three and kept playing. But, uh, I was not interested at that point. It's a solid American family right there. You said you're the oldest of your siblings. How many, what do you have? Two sisters. Two sisters. One, you're going to hate this. She runs a nonprofit farm in New Jersey. That's great. In Northern New Jersey. She's got these, there's all these farmlands. This guy's fucking boring. She got all these farmland. You're going to hate this. She's the same. You're going to hate this. She, she helps people and makes no money. Jesus Christ. It's broad stinks. I told you you weren't going to like it. I thought Jersey just gave me like John Q. America's whole family. She's giving out free carrots to Patterson.

That's her whole gig. It's called City Green. And, uh, she's built it up over like 10, 15 years. That's amazing. It's a huge thing. Yeah. It's, she's really. And your other sister? My other sister. Please tell me she's in a band or something. You're not going to, you're not going to like this. She makes, she makes a little money, but very little money. I only want to say it. Working with autistic children. These poppers, I tell you. Holy shit. They're kind of, they're kind of Saint like both of them. So your dad did well growing up. You guys, you guys were doing okay. My father was, came from a family of, uh, of seven, seven. They had no money at all. They grew up in Clifton. They had zero money and, uh, they had to like scrape and, but a lot of love, a big Italian

family. And, uh, I'm one of 21 grandchildren. They were all around you too. When you grew up, all those family, we would meet at my grandmother's house in Clifton where they grew up, which was like a two bedroom apartment really. And all these people would just stuff in. And we just had, uh, we just had our fail. It's my responsibility now to keep the Christmas get together. And now it's like, you know, if all in, it's probably 75 people. So where do you do it at? Like, where are you, where are you going to do it this year? This, we, we've been doing it traditionally at Mario's Pizza in, on Van Houten Avenue. All right. This guy's trash. Keep going. Two slices for Christmas. And, uh, it's like a pizza joint, like a red sauce kind of place. And it's, you know, the food's

okay. 75 of you go in there. It's been there since seven. Yeah. But it's, you know, they've got a big room and one of those kind of things. And, uh, this year I was flying, I organized it all. And I was flying in on Sunday. And when I landed the first text I saw was Mario's is on fire. Question mark. Get your deposit back Tommy. Surprise your family at the volunteer fire company. Don't worry, we're on our way. We're going to save Christmas. Yeah. Just throw some carrot sticks on it. So we got, so we had to call an audible and go to my sister's house. She ended up hosting it. 75 people. Are they, are they mostly local? It was, uh, it was probably about 50 people. Okay. For this one. Wait, you guys already did this.

This was Sunday. You did it on Sunday. Okay. Yeah. All right. Cool. So you'll do the holidays, the actual holidays back with your family. Yeah. Well, I'm running around doing stuff. My family, my wife and kids are going to be here in New York. Okay. Like we'll, we'll hit all the East Coast people, like your parents and all that stuff up to like the 20th or so. And then go back to, uh, LA. Man, poppers are all right. Yeah. We're moving around. Um, do your parents don't still live in the same house you grew up in today? No. And it's a, it's a kind of a horse, a sore, sore, sore spot. Okay. Really? Yeah. They sold that out right out from under me. I was in my inheritance, you went so, uh, that's where I grew up. How dare you?

They want to live in a town is that you don't want to shovel anymore. How dare you? That's going to be worth it a few years. What are you doing? Let's say rezone a school district. Could have bought Mario's. It wasn't a, it wasn't a big money spot, but it was our spot. And of course, sure. But thankfully, because my wife grew up, so when I moved, I moved and didn't meet my wife until the comic strip, uh, I moved one town over. So she kept going in Park Ridge. I went to Cliff Lake and one town over and lived in that, in that house, uh, for our whole life. So now it's gone. Uh, but her brother still lives in Park Ridge. So, so you get the vibe when you still go,

like when my kids, and it was, it was great. Like, because we could go back to like, you know, on Christmas Eve, when Santa comes on the truck down, down Park Ridge and you put the kids on your shoulder. It was like, clean living, clean living. And then my parents sold it, moved, ruined everything, ruined everything. What was the name of that street that you grew up on? Lori court. Lori court. I was doing a show in Florida. I was doing a show in Florida, uh, in Orlando, like a month ago, and I signed books at the end of the show. I have, you know, I write, so I signed, do a book signing at the end. And there were these three women with these matching t-shirts with fluorescent something written on them. I couldn't tell what it was,

you know, and eventually they come up in the line and it says, they all three had, I grew up on nine Lori court. No way. It was the girls who lived in the house before we bought it. Holy shit. Yeah. Back in, uh, like in, I don't know, 76 or 78, something like that. They had grown up. It was the, yeah, the Ricardo kids were grown women making wacky t-shirts at my, at my show. I feel like every windowsill in the story has an apple pie. And a candle in it. Definitely some toboggan's leaning up against the door. Yeah. We, we did have a little hill in the back that we would slay right down. Of course. The Riccardo's were remembering it finally until the Weinsteins put up pine trees

and blocked us from going down the hill. Old man Weinstein. He's still at it. I tell you. Cold, cold hearted bastard. A lot of baseballs in his yard. Yeah. You poppin' kids get out of here. What's the grocery store that your mom went to growing up? The grocery store my mom went to, when I was growing up, uh, that would be Shoprite. Shoprite's a fine establishment. That's big. The street name, the grocery store, they, they, they tell us a little something. Okay. Where do you go now? Uh, I go to Gelsons. Okay. In, uh, in, uh, Los Angeles. Okay. You don't do that air one? I don't do the air one. Gelsons is between the Ralphs and the air one. Okay. Right? It's a, like the Ralphs people think it's too expensive. Sure. The air one

people think it's garbage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Not bad. How about the mall growing up? What's the name of that? The Paramus Park Mall. Not bad. The Paramus Park Mall. Mario's would be the local pizza joint. Mario's was, that was for my parents. Okay. Um, we had Fills. Fills. Fills. Huh. In Montvale. Not bad. Yeah. Fills. How about the Chinese spot? What was the name of the Chinese place you guys would go to? I don't remember the name of it. Would you do Chinese food as a kid? We would do Chinese food once in a while. Okay. We were more pizza and then chicken delight. What's chicken delight? Chicken delight sounds all right. I'm not gonna lie. Still there. Yeah. Really? Still there making, hauling out buckets of chicken. Fried chicken.

Local fried chicken joint. That ain't bad. Yeah. Really good. Not cheap. Not cheap. Yeah. Really good. Drink milk with dinner growing up? Yes. Really? The time I saw my father laugh the hardest in his life, I was always funny and I was always trying to make people laugh and he was tough to crack. But one day after practice of some sort, I came poured myself a glass of milk and sat down at the table and took a swig and it had chunks in it. And I spit it up and my father laughed for a week straight. I respect that. I respect that. I knew it was bad. Let me drink it anyway. Kevin's talking about that rocket money. Love that rocket money. Yeah. A lot of you bozos out there think you spend about $80 on subscriptions when you actually got about $200. Some of you don't

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Get rid of useless subscriptions with rocket money now. Go to rocketmoney.com.com slash garbage. Seriously, it could save you hundreds of dollars a year and who don't need a couple Hyundai every year. That's rocketmoney.com slash garbage. Cancel your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney.com slash garbage. One more time. Get a pen. Get a pencil. Rocketmoney.com slash garbage today. Do it. Kepp, what's talking about Adam and Eve? Oh, yeah. Let's talk about stuffing those stockings. Stuffing a little more than stockings. Bring your turkey over here. I'll stuff that too. Getting Adam and Eve is the best, man. Yeah. What a good time to explore the holiday season.

You started sticking your finger up your butt. Go to Adam and Eve. You can get 50% off almost any items. Show right up your ass. It ain't no candy cane. I'll take it out. Grab whatever they got in there. Stick your peepee in something. Yeah. Get it. Go in here. It's a good time, man. I gotta get hit with a blowtorch just to move this thing. Guys, it's great. They sent it to us. I mean, you know. I got something up here right now. I don't know what they know. I'm controlling it with my phone. Guys, you get a flashlight for him. Ben Wildballs for her. Adam and Eve has it all. All packaging is discreet. It doesn't come and say,

hey, there's a creep in 4B. Don't do that. Your mailman don't know what's happening. And he's probably on AdamandEve.com. So go to AdamandEve.com. Of course he is. Very shifty bunch. As opposed to workers who are freaky naughty. Select any one item and use code Garbage. This is an exclusive offer. So be sure to support the show and use code Garbage. You get 50% off and free shipping. Go to AdamandEve.com right now. Do it. Now, my father and I bonded over food. I'll give you a little white trash in a little. He loved white castle. All right.

Loved white castle. And it was our father bonding moment to sit in the winter in his car with like 50 white castles all on the dashboard. Come on, Tom. You can do it. Eat another one. Yeah. All right. That's pretty good. Now, what was your first job? My first job, I used to cut lawns and I used to cut lawns on your own or for somebody. On my own. Really? Who's mower would you use? Our lawn boy. Our green lawn boy. There you go.

Pull handle. Pull start. You'd have to do your yard, I assume. I had to do my yard too. Okay. Did you like your feed for that at all? Did you get like five bucks or whatever to do it? I don't think, from my father, I didn't. I think he was. You had to do that one on a cuff. Yeah. He was like, you know, you're, I was so young. Like we had a hill in the back and you had to mow it. I was so young that I had the top handle and my friend Keith had the middle.

Two men through. He's got guys under him. He's managed. He's got employees to get it up the hill. Yeah. And I used to have a joke in my act early on. I don't know what the joke was, but it was about a real situation where my father, like if something got stuck, my father would be like you with the small hand, put it in there and get the piece of wood out of there. And I'm like, who, I would never take my child's arms. Reaching a dark hole to get something sharp out.

Right. Exactly. Out of a spinning lawn mower. Who's different rules back then, maybe. Well, that was the first, that was the first one, the first job. The first like, and then I worked landscaping for a friend who had like a landscaping company. Gotcha. And then, and then I worked at a Ugo cars. Remember Ugo Ugo? Ugo.

They had a plant or a warehouse in like Mawa. And which is the classic joke here today, gone to Mawa. Shout out to Mawa. Mawa. And I used to work in there. That was kind of silly. And they work for UPS a little bit in high school. Delivering? No, loading in the big tractor trailers.

So you worked all through high school. You're playing football. The grades were good, I assume. Grades were like C plus, B minus, whatever would, whatever. That's a degree, baby. Whatever would make, whatever would keep me out of trouble. Did you take the SATs? I took the SATs.

You remember what you got? 1100. Really? Yeah. Very good. Rider man. Rider man. It got me into rider.

Yeah. You said you played defensive end and fullback. Were you playing both ways in every game? Yeah. Both sides at a ball, Tom? Yeah. Well, we were small school. You know, we're not that big.

He's playing every position. Throwing it to himself. Papa drops back, throws to Papa. Papa with a great catch. Oh, tackled by Papa. Take it over to head coach, Tom Papa. Folks, this is Tom Papa signing off. I wouldn't be surprised.

He's a goddamn, this guy's doing it all. Head cheerleader. Give me a T. Oh, check out the games on Papa. Really got the squad going this year. Papa throws a flag. We got it. Papa gets it, all right.

Who's getting the high in the stands? Think Papa's smoking a doobie underneath the bleachers there. Ah, that Papa kid. All right, here comes Officer Papa to arrest him. Got to have a nice big round of applause for Mayor Papa, everybody. We'll be right back with more news from Papa there. On your local Papa state. Who would babysit you as a kid?

We had Susan Famillari. Oh, that's such a, that's such a North Jersey babysitter. Talk about a bullseye. We got to watch her boyfriend get to second base with her. That's what I'm talking about. You'll never forget that. Through the basement window. They thought they were being sly on the bean bags.

And we went outside and around those little window. Yeah, it goes into the basement. We all loaded up in there and we saw some boobage. For everybody involved in that story. Everybody wins. Everybody won in that story. That's awesome. Shout out to her.

How about the Papa family vacations? Where would you guys go? Mostly the Jersey Shore. Nice. Whereabouts? Long Beach Island. LBI, I know it very well. LBI, still go.

Still go all the time. We're outside of Philly, so we did South Jersey Shore. We went further south. I was a while, I'm a while away. Were you Jersey outside of Philly? No. No, P.A. outside of Philly. Yeah, we go down to like Wildwood.

C.I.O. K.A. Ocean City. All right. Any trips to Disney World or Disneyland or anything like that? We had a trip to Disney, I guess, when I was in, I don't know, maybe like sixth grade. Do you fly or drive? Flue.

Okay. Flue. Probably People's Express, something like the Eastern Airlines. I know Eastern Airlines. And not for good reasons. Those things are down. I don't know them because they're hospitality. What was the family car growing up?

The family car, my mother drove a, she drove a Ford Pinto. Okay. Until those were deemed unsafe. Yeah, they weren't they exploding or something? They were exploding. If someone, if someone would rear-end you, the whole thing would. The whole neighborhood went up. Yeah.

So she upgraded to a Chevy Chevette. Nice. Okay. Which was pretty good until the cat peed in the front carpet. Man. And I don't ruin it. Really, it was so, we had to cut the carpet out. And just kept driving it for another couple of years

with a metal bottom. Sure. And then my father had a bunch of different cars. You know, he had his motorcycle, but he also had like, like Buick's. Okay. You know, like big sedans. Just a little picture. Eight track, big sedan, that kind of thing.

Bench seat in the front. Bench seat in the front. In the early parts, but then it's like a classy. Where was the motorcycle parked? Motorcycle was usually parked in the garage in front of whatever car was pulled in. He would get it up against the wall. Or sometimes in between where the two cars go.

And it was the cars that were parked on the grass or anything like that or the motorcycle or. No. Okay. No. Kept it tight. Kept it tight. He did.

Kept the appearance of the house. Walked by the poppers place. Pretty tight. He definitely had a, I don't give a shit about the yard kind of vibe. He wasn't into, he lived in suburbia and worked corporate, but he wasn't like he was, wasn't his thing. He took real pride that our mailbox was just a rusty stick with a rusty thing with broken.

Like everyone had these real ornate in the neighborhood, you know, like the wood and the. Keep the tax made off your back. The name on it and all of that. My father had, he just really took pride in never upgrading his mailbox. It was kind of as if you to the neighborhood. And the landscaping, you know, was left to me with my lawn boy.

And everybody had like professional landscape and beautiful lawns. Ours was a disaster. Okay. Pool in the backyard or no? No pool. No pool. Community pool.

Where would you guys go swimming? Community pool. Nice. The old mill. Yeah. That's the most American name ever. Yeah, it is. Was there a high dive?

No. No high dive. No high dive. It was a, a, what like a raft kind of situation. You just have to swim out to the diving boards off of a, not a raft. A, what's a floaty? In the middle of the pool?

A dock. Like a dock. Was it a pool? It was a pool. It was called the old mill pool. But it was like part sand and then part concrete. I'm so confused. That sounds all right.

And the diving board was in the middle of the pool? And yeah, like out in the deep end, that's where the dock was with the diving board. Dude, that sounds awesome. Yeah. It was pretty cool. That's fucking sweet. Yeah.

With your dad's motorcycle, did you ever take it out joy riding? No. No. Could, can you ride one? Yeah. I started riding when I graduated college. There it is.

The old mill. Yeah. Yeah. That's old school. That's sweet. Yeah. It was pretty cool. Okay.

That is, that is like very cool. The hell of a snack bar at that place, I would imagine. Not a great snack bar, but Fusco's, which was like a little general store, was like right up the street. So you could walk, you could squeeze yourself through the fence. Yep.

I did the same thing. Right. Yep. And walk barefoot up to Fusco's, get your funyons and your Fritos. Yeah. And, and then come back. Woo.

Slice of Americana right there. Shout out to the funyons. Yeah. What did you just ask before the, we went back to the old mill? Motorcycle ride. Oh, motorcycle. Yeah.

No, I, I started riding when I was in, graduated college. My father, because this was really just to keep my mother off of his back. She didn't really like that he rode a motorcycle all that much. Sure. And he would go on a trip every June.

Him and his friends would go somewhere for like two weeks. Ride out. Right. And go to, yeah, like down to. Damn. But anywhere in the country. And my mother did not like these trips.

Sure. And his, if I had. In her head, he's out riding with the hell's angels. Yeah. Right. Exactly. And if I had started riding then, it would have caused a big problem for him.

Yeah. Because she would have been like, look what you're doing. Right. You're influencing the child. Leave the boy alone. Who's going to cut the grass now? Yeah.

Yeah. No sleeves on your shirt smoking. Right. There's all grease stuff. My father comes home, where's my bike? And so I started riding in college. And then I got a bike in this apartment where I was living.

This guy had a garage with this Honda Hawk in there. A 550 Honda Hawk. So I bought it from him. And I started riding. And then I started going on the trips with them. With my father. That's fun, really. Yeah.

And I rode until my daughter was born. And then I stopped. Packed it in. Yeah. Makes sense. Smart guy, man. Yeah. He's all right.

There's not a lot of dirt on him so far. His dad seems a little, you know, little wonky, but. He's old-fashioned. Yeah. Yeah, in a good way. I like him. What was the last time you were at an Olive Garden? I probably went once by mistake.

Like in the city. By mistake. I had to ask for direction. How do I get out of this part of town? You like a little bit of the finer thing. You like to do things correct. I do. You do.

You like to do things correct. I like to do things correct. But it's been a long journey to get to correct. Sure. Now, I understand. I grew up in New Jersey. I didn't really know from correct. Right.

In a lot, in some ways, you know? Sure. So it's kind of a, I'm still learning how to kind of figure it out. What mayo do you guys use at the house now? Do you have? Helmins. No miracle whip. No, but you know, Helmins is not that big West Coast.

Right. Something else. So we end up with some miracle whip sometimes. Really? Yeah. If you're in a jam, I know. It's not happy about it. Not by choice.

Yeah, I'm not happy about it. It's a geography problem. Where do you keep in the butter these days? Keep it on the counter or you keep it in the fridge? We keep it on the butter. My wife is one that wore. I used to keep it on the counter. I used to keep it in the fridge.

Sure. She wanted it on the counter, nice and soft. Yep. And I did Martha Stewart's show. And I was doing like a cooking segment with her. And I asked her solve this. We might finally. I mean, this is like what the show is based

on this one question. And I said, you know, my wife likes to keep. Do you keep the butter in the fridge or on the counter? My wife keeps it on the counter. And Martha Stewart was chopping something. And she went, oh, no, not on the counter. Really? Wait, what?

And just kept going away. Shout out to Martha. Yeah. She keeps it in the fridge? She keeps it in the fridge. And that's what she said. And then I thought, well, I win this argument. I got Martha Stewart on my side.

Yeah, of course. But fast forward. It's still on the counter. It's on the counter. It's on the coffee table now, just to show you. Sticks everywhere. There you go. What kind of syrup are you using at the house?

Do you have regular, like Mrs. Butterworth? Or do you guys use the good stuff? Pure maple syrup. And it's my wife is really into it. I make a lot of bread. I bake sourdough bread. Sure, well aware. And one of the things you can do with sourdough starter

when you have extra is make sourdough waffles the next day. And so I make that stuff. But to be honest, I would probably take whatever syrup you got. But my wife is a really hardcore maple syrup. Like if we're out places, it's an uncomfortable moment in the restaurant. If she asks for maple, or if they say they have it

and they bring it and it's not. We have no idea. The kids are like just about to pour it out their peg. No, no, no, no, no. We will not have this. I bet your Sunday breakfast at the Papa Household is probably pretty enough. I can feel the love.

He's got a newspaper going. Smell the coffee going. Fresh bread. What kind of coffee are you doing over there? French press? What do you like? No, I'm doing a pour over. I'm grinding beans and then doing the pour over.

Because I'm the only one that drinks the coffee. Well, actually, now my kids are drinking, but they use the Nespresso. Oh, OK. The Nespresso. My father, we had the one with the small espresso shots. My father comes to visit more coffee. So we got the longer, the bigger ones.

Yeah, that's what my daughter will make iced coffee with. But I like to just grind these really good beans. And then the pour overs, it's like in a cone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in the glass. It takes a little bit, but it smells so good. I got really into that one time of like, I was figuring and researching how to chop the beans in a certain way.

You pour this in an angle and stare at a certain direction for a different time. Yeah. Yeah, my OCD really kicked in. Yeah. Still sucked. I wasn't good at it. Yeah, there was a New Yorker cartoon

of somebody doing a pour over and the coffee machine's going. They'll be back. Yeah, it's exactly what happened. It was worse than Dunkin' Donuts when I was making it. Are you an espresso man after dinner? If you go out to a restaurant, will you have a nice espresso? That is one of my failings. I would love an espresso every night after dinner.

Sure, the caffeine. But if I'll be up till two, I'll lay down. I'll think I'm tired and my eyes just pop open. It sucks. It's such a great moment. There's nothing better. Matt and a Zambuca? Oh, it's such a great moment.

Kip, put your box. Holiday season. What are you going to do? Get your meat at the grocery store? That's what hobos do, I heard. Yeah, no kidding. You don't know where that's coming from. Gang, you want top quality meat?

You want grass fed? You want grass finished? You want wild caught? Wild caught? You want free range? You want delicious meat sent right to your door? You throw it right in the freezer when you're ready to use it? Do yourself a favor.

Butcher box for the holidays. Yeah, baby, I've said a bajillion times. I love it. I was leaving the house today. My wife had a ground beef from Butcher Box out on a counter. Come on, maybe some meatballs, two, three of them. They do that ground beef right. Yeah, they do.

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What's your drink of choice if you're going out to dinner? If I'm going out to dinner, I start. And do you like a cocktail? You like a cocktail? I start with a martini. Of course he does. I want to be Tom Papa. I love my dad, but you eat another kid.

I doubt it, man. This guy's all right. He starts with a martini. That means it changes. We're just starting. Man, I don't think he's going to Bud Lights either. Let me get a ticate after this. Something room temperature, please.

OK. Vodka martini. I start off with a Kettle One martini, straight up dry with olives. Nice. Which means very little vermouthan. Of course. If I'm making it at home.

He's a martini man himself. Big martini. I love them dirty. Yeah, I don't really go dirty. Love it. But I am not opposed. Sure. I'll go, um.

I'm a dirtbag. You're all clueless. Even your drinks are dirty. I'm drinking all of juice. Two maraschino cherries. If I'm starting at home, at home, I'll, uh, I'll. Start at home. Wait, what do you mean?

So you and the wife are going out to eat. You're going to have a cocktail at the house where you go? It depends how long she's taking. Sure. Love that. Depends how long she's taking. Love that.

But I'll, uh, I'll, um. You're the best, huh? Man, it's all right. Really? I'm so happy. I'll put it, I'll put the vermouth over the ice. Shake it a little bit. Sure.

And that's all the vermouth I'll use. Then it's kettle one and then the olives. You have a set up at the house. You have a nice bar at the house. Uh, just, uh, area, area, where all the, where all the alcohol is. Yeah. It's not in a globe, is it?

It's not in a globe, but there is a globe across from it. You have a globe in your house? My wife found this globe. Holy shit. We've been asking that question forever. You the first one ever? It's in the, in the dining area, which is, uh, right off the kitchen.

We have, uh, the alcohol over there. And then that she found this globe, like a stand, and it actually has a light. It has like a, you can light it up at night and have the globe light up. Oh, that's awesome. It's pretty cool. Do you have a golden retriever that brings you slippers

when you walk into the house? The birds following you around? Man, I was going to ask him if he ever skated genies. What's the last bootleg, you know what, this is a Christ. Damn. This guy's something. How do you feel about the rotisserie chicken? Uh, I like a rotisserie chicken.

Okay. I'm the only meat eater in the house. Really? Yeah, both daughters and my wife don't eat meat. So I eat meat. And then now that we have these dogs, we have a black lab and a pug. And they get very excited.

Like if I'm grilling or something. Sure, they're in, yeah. To the point where like the first move is just taking the metal spatula or the tongs out of the thing. And they're like, something's not on it. They're like, all right, where are we going? I know, what's going next? What's up?

We're going downstairs, and we're going to grill, and we're going to come back up the stairs, and we're going to cut it. I would love to know what your refrigerator looks like on the inside. I bet you it's spotless. It's bright, clean. It gets a little out of hand, but one of my big things

when I travel and then come back, I'll go through and take all the old stuff out. I like to kind of keep it orderly, yeah. But it's a. What kind of fridge are we working with? Sub-zero? Sub-zero. Of course.

Is it the stainless steel on the outside? Yeah. That's the one with wallpaper on it. Yeah, well, sometimes these classy guys, they cover them up with the wood pan. I know, you don't even know it's there. How about the oven? What's the oven?

George Foreman. That's a. Viking? Viking, yeah. Yeah, that's where all the bread comes from. Yeah. What kind of grill are you working with outside? It's a built-in Weber thing, yeah.

Weber? Yeah. Love the weather. So it's like a little island out there? There's gas, so you don't have to switch out propane or anything. You got hard-wired gas in there. Yeah. This guy's.

Yeah. What are we doing here? Do you have a pool with the house now? Yeah. You do? Yeah. Salt water? In-ground.

OK. Yeah. Salt water? Not salt water. Fresh. Yeah, it's not really fresh. Yeah, sure. It's chlorinated water.

I would expect that from the Papa household. Could just get yourself a cup of water out of the pool. It's all fiji water. That's another thing. If we do go to your house right now, we come in, and you offer us water. What would that water be? The water comes from the little filter thing in the sink.

On the sink. Yeah. OK. That's a good answer. Yeah. OK. Anyone in your family still have an AOL email address? I do.

You do? I kept my old AOL for my junk. OK. If I ever need to have to log in or they need an email, that's the one they get. Oh, there you go. It's not the AOL. The only acceptable answer, I'll give you that.

Right. We've had some guests that we're going to send to you like a scared straight program so you can reform them. Yeah, because it is reformed. Like I said, this is learned. It's calculated, yes. This is learned. This is growing.

You're missing a period where it was where the were Tommy Salami live. Talk to me about Tommy Salami. These are the single days, I presume? Yeah, this is like going to college, going to Ryder, going to Ryder until you graduate in 93. I got into comedy. So I graduated high school in 86.

So like 86 to 93. Early 20s, late teens. Yeah, where I was free to act on my own with all I had known about the world growing up in New Jersey. You know what I mean? I want to get back to you. So you said you start with a martini, then what? And what calculates the next move?

All right, so if we're out and the guy comes over, Kettle on martini straight up with olives dry. Then they have that. Now you're perusing the menu. You're looking. You're perusing the menu. Will you throw some apps in to get things going? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, definitely. You like to put a pause on that. You don't give them the whole order. No, I like to slow them down. Cool. I like to slow them down. Cool off. We're going to be here awhile.

I don't need you putting the entree on top of my grilled calamari. Grilled calamari. I didn't even know they made that. What the hell? What do you do? Do you like oysters or do you like oysters? Love oysters.

Cold seafood tower from Mr. Papa? Oh, yeah. Shut up. He didn't hit your parents with me. Me and Tom are getting out of here. As opposed to the hot tripping tower? You ever have clam strips? I went to my cousin's kid's wedding in New Jersey

at one of these banquet hall places, and it was full on Italian. The appetizer room. I like the sounds of that. Had a prosciutto tower. Holy shit. It was a tower like a wedding cake with just draped prosciutto hanging off the sides.

That's like Valhalla for me. It was amazing. The eye rolls. You must throw at comedy club food. I do the ha ha chicken fingers. Yeah. All right. Those are dark days.

I like the dinner thing. So we're at dinner. So we're at dinner. You're going to get some apps. You're going to look over. You're going to look over the menu. You're going to have the cocktails the first round. The martinis done.

Usually slide into red wine of some sort. Nice. Some sort. Do you know red wine? Do you know wine diesel? Yeah, I've learned it. Yeah, I've learned it. And who's picking?

Say you got with another couple. Are you, is Tom running the show? Depends who I'm with. Right. Depends who I'm with. If it feels like I know. I would imagine it's got to be somebody pretty classy for you to give up the rings.

Yeah. I've got some classy, shiny friends. Friends with Jerry for crying out loud. Some people know their way around. And I'll let them do it. Fall back and let them drive the bus. I respect that. But if it's me with my family or my pals, then I'm on it.

You're calling it. And I've got a, yeah, like I've got from a couple. Have you ever heard of Jim Harrison, the writer Jim Harrison? He's died. He used to write all these articles for Esquire. All about food. He was a monster.

He would just eat and drink everything. I really recommend it. A really big lunch is one of the things that he wrote. It's a compilation of all his essays. And he just lived. He just ate. And he died. He had gout and heart problems and crying.

All the problems were just eating everything all the time. But I learned wine from him. Like he pointed me in the direction of Italian and French wines. And I used that kind of as the guide. It was like a road map. He was just like, and he's also like Hunts and lived in Michigan and was just like this man's man,

but loved really good wine. So I use that as kind of my little road map. And so I know my way around at least the areas. I'm not going to know every label, that kind of stuff. Do you go heavy, do you go expensive, or do you like something sensible? If we're out, I'll go like $150 for, you know what I mean? Like if I'm splurging.

That ain't no subtle home. We've got to figure whatever you're paying, it's usually double what you buy, right? So if we're out celebrating or whatever, $60 bottle of wine, but you're really paying $150 out of it. But normally I try and like, I don't want to drink garbage. Like red wine that's garbage is going to hurt you. The next morning is going to be pretty shitty.

True, true. Yeah. You share the apps with the table? Or are you an individual app guy? Depends on the place. Depends on the place. And also, like I said, I'm the only meat eater. True, so if I want to, you know.

Then it is all yours by default. Right, exactly. There you go. If you were going to die tomorrow, and you could have one meal, where would you go? Anywhere in the world. Oh, man. I'm torn because I feel like my roots say

I should go full Italian, right? Like I should go to like my favorite Italian spots. But the pure desire is steakhouse. Like Del Frisco's or someplace like that, where you just. Del Frisco's double legal? Oh, yeah, that's all right. Oh, boy. You know Gallagher's here in the city?

Yeah, I love Gallagher's. We're a Gallagher's family. Yeah, love. I haven't been there in years. It's really, it's home real top notch. It's really good. The service is impeccable. Those guys are great.

It's like you have two career waiters. Yeah, exactly. They're like 55-year-old dudes. I'm going old homestead on Friday. Nice. I haven't been yet, but I hear good things. It's good, it's good. I go with my, I get my high school friends together

every Christmas area. I'm in charge of all these dinners. Yeah. This guy's a fucking event planner. I get all the high school people together. You take them all out or everybody chipping? No, everybody chips in. OK.

And we go to the old homestead. Nice. Yeah. Will you be handling the ordering for that? I usually let my pal Brian do the appetizers. And there will be a tower involved. Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There will be a, but you know, those things,

you really get pretty raked over the cold. You get raped in those places. Yeah, sure. But you just go for it. But yeah, like the steak, the steak house nights. Love them. They're my favorite. Last meal of your life and probably do that.

Yeah, something else. Yeah. They're the best. Give me the porterhouse in a fucking Manhattan called a day. Yeah. Are you flossing every day? I'd say every other to third day. OK.

What kind of toothbrush we work on with electric? Regular. Regular. Regular. Yeah. Toothpaste? Toothpaste, yeah. We're all dogging it.

Who have you had on this show? Bert Preisen. I use cheese with fatty. Now, what kind? What are you rocking? I usually crest from the old days. Mouthwash guy? Something that says whitening but doesn't.

Sure. That's how they get you. That's all of them. Yeah, yeah. Are you a mouthwash guy? I do like a nice old school listerine. OK. What color?

I'll take the brown. Really? Because it just looks and. God damn. That's wild, dude. It looks pretty nasty. It's like geritol. But I gotta say, I don't replenish it as often.

I know. OK. I always start. I'm like, I'm going to be a mouthwash guy every day. Yeah. It just doesn't last. I know. I don't understand why.

Are you a cologne guy? A little bit. A little spritz once in a while. You know what you're using? What are you rocking? Yeah, I don't. Just something at the house? Something at the house.

Yeah. Whatever was there when I bought the place? Whatever the other guy liked. The carnuchis left it here. Yeah, the Riccardo's. The Riccardo's. Whatever old man Riccardo's is. Old bottle of English leather?

Yeah. I don't know the name of it. How about the odor good? What do you use? I use men in unscented. Pretty classy. Have you ever worn Stetson or Brute? No.

OK. What are you shaving with? Either barbersaw, if I'm on the run, or keels, if I've got the time. And we're just using regular pick razors? Pick razors. Really? Yeah.

OK. Pick razors. You think these guys are using a fucking pick razor? I don't know. It's old school. How about the shower? Are you peeing the shower? In a fix.

Really? In a real. You've got to be jammed off. You've got to be really like, oh, this came on quick. I don't know exactly what the scenario. But it's very infrequent. But if push comes to shove, you've got to go in there. Yeah.

This guy's bulletproof. You brushing your teeth in there at all? In the shower? Yeah. No. What is it? Come on, dude. Get a fucking gentleman here.

This is the kind of guy who meets a president and then tells you they got a weak handshake. What are you talking about? Do you sneak snacks into the movie theater? No. I'll buy. I like the process of buying. Yeah.

It's a full enjoyment, of course. What's your go-to? My go-to is the popcorn, bigger than I need. And then either M&Ms or raisinettes. Raisinettes, ditch them into the popcorn. Pour them in. And if you would, do you like soda? Would you have a soda?

Not usually. Maybe a Diet Coke once in a while. But in the theater, probably water. You need a cigar, but water. The closest thing I ever heard of my life. Water at the movies. Dude, water at the movies. That's fucking nuts, dude.

Jesus Christ. My god. What was the last book you read? The last book I read was a Jim Harrison called Wolf. OK. Called Wolf. Do you read regularly? I do.

You do. You're reading something right now? He writes books. Yeah. Right now, I'm reading James McCourt called The Passenger. Yeah. He was the guy that wrote The Road. You ever see that movie, The Road?

Yeah, it's a big old Morton's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK. The book is even creepier. It's post-apocalyptic. Him and his son just walking through Pennsylvania pretty much on abandoned highways. And it's so real, creepy.

You have a TV in the bedroom? I do. But it's there for my wife to watch while I'm on The Road. Gotcha. I don't turn it on when I'm there. So when you guys are getting ready to go to bed, will you read before you guys go to bed? Just now.

Usually, I'll read a little bit while she's getting ready. She's slower getting in. OK. But I'm usually pretty tired by the time we get down there. You're right out. Yeah. Have you ever bought the floor model of a TV or an appliance? I don't know.

Maybe. OK. Maybe. What are you whipping around LA? I wouldn't be opposed to it. What are you whipping around LA and what kind of car do you got? Tesla. I have a Tesla and a 1967 Volkswagen.

You do? You got an old school one. Yeah. Yeah. Sweet. It's pretty cool. Fucking bull. Are we flying first class?

Yeah. For the most part. For the most part, yeah. TSA pre-check? Yeah. Clear? Clear. Yeah.

When did you get your passport? My passport, not until like probably 95, 96. After you started comedy? Yeah. After I started comedy, the first trip overseas was going to Amsterdam to perform. Perform? Yeah.

Have you and the wife been around the world a little bit? Have you guys traveled? We've traveled. We've hit some big spots, but not that much. OK. What's a Papa family vacation like? A lot of it's been going to the Jersey Shore. We fly back, and we see the family.

We see the family. We get together with my sisters and their kids. Nice. And we go down to the Jersey Shoe. We've been to Italy. We've been to Africa, Hawaii. Those are like the big ones. OK.

But we're not a family that travels all the year. Yeah, doing like a big trip. Gotcha, OK. Who's cutting your hair? Now it's a barber king in Studio City. Barber king. Barber king. What's that run you?

It's $40, which seems ridiculous for how much hair I have. Usually $10. OK. $50 off the floor. It's all cash. Yeah. It's all cash. Are you a cash guy?

Tip cash. OK, you got a tip cash. You got a tip cash. You tip cash to the restaurant too? No, I stopped at the ATM on the way up here because I have a guy driving. You're going to tip us? All right.

There you go, Fannie. You're a good kid. Based on the name of your program, I thought this might be a situation where you got to throw a couple of bucks to get out of here. We put a bucket up on the table. Well, something pretty epic. Optional for the holidays.

I start ringing a bell. Have you ever left a bad yelp review? No. Have you ever smoked a pipe? Yes. I just ordered a new pipe. Really? I don't smoke the pipes as much as use them as a prop.

OK. They're kind of a pain in the ass to smoke. What do you mean as a prop? I'll just walk around with it. What? Walk around the house with it, point at people, make a point. You, you're fine. Talk down to my wife.

If I were you, I would maybe take the garbage out. Talk to the dog in a British accent. You're wiser with a pipe. Everybody with a pipe tends to be wiser, I feel. It's a fine line between douche-eer and wiser. Sure. You get massages regularly? Not regularly.

But you get your like one? I do like one. They are actually very helpful. They're great. But there is a part of me when I'm like in a resort or something on the road and I've got a day to kill and I'm looking at the spa menu and it's like $200 for sure. They're always so expensive.

So expensive and I just picture my father going, what are you doing? Oh. You know? Scratch your back against the wall and keep it moving. Will you do many petties? No. No many petties, right?

You know how to use chopsticks? Yes. When you're getting dressed in the morning, do you put your pants on, then your socks, or your socks, and then your pants? Usually socks, then pants. Whoa. Because a lot of the jeans are a little more tapered now.

So it's tighter legs. Tighter legs. So getting the sock up there after. So I've been going more sock than thing. OK. Can I just say this is the greatest podcast of all time? Cut it, burn it, Tom, we don't need you anymore. I love this podcast.

All right, let's say you're getting, what kind of shower are you working with? Glass door? Glass door. Full door? Like it closes or like it's? Closes. Is there a separate tub, like a jacuzzi pool?

There's a separate tub. Nice. You guys have a jacuzzi out in the back by the pool, too? No, we don't. That's been a debate. It's like you can get one from Costco on the deck for $5,000. Toby, cut this. I've got some friends that just did that.

Sure. And I was like, no, we're not doing that. Thank god there's some fucking level head over there. You would need to add on into the pool like $30,000. Sure. But that's the way Tom Papa's got to go with a little waterfall. Tom Papa can't do the Costco hot tub.

I know, but Tom Papa hasn't been in a hot tub in seven years. Tom Papa needs a hot tub, baby. Tom Papa's shoulders are sore. What if he likes a tub? OK. What's the credit card situation? AmEx rocking an AmEx? AmEx.

Nice. Mastercard. Discover card? No discover. Diners club? No diners club. Did you ever have one back in the day? I didn't.

I liked all the jokes about that. I still do. Call me Olds Club. I cover them with different cloth, baby. Give me a good Pan Am joke. How many suits you got at the house? Well, it's kind of a weird thing. I've got probably eight suits.

But I don't wear full suits. Guys, the president. I don't wear full suits that often anymore. Because it's just something about the baggy pants looks more like I always think I'm Carrie Grant. And I'd see myself and it looked like I'm selling sure like an aluminum siding or something. What are you performing in now?

So I have a classy guy. I've got like probably 12 jackets, not suits, just different style jackets. Who shops? Like who put that to get? Did you buy all that stuff? I do all my shopping. You got 12 jackets.

Yeah. So I do all my own shopping. I pick it all out. Yeah, I figure it all out. What kind of stores you? Yeah, where are you going? You're Brooks Brothers kind of guy? Brooks Brothers in a pinch on the road at the airport.

You could be like, you need a shirt. There's this reliable Brooks Brothers. I like Brooks Brothers like classic kind of stuff. Stuff is so good. They're t-shirts, man. Their t-shirts are great. They're just their dress shirts. Like I found one white dress shirt that's like you can't miss.

Well, you just buy like 10 of them then? So you have them? I did. Yeah, I love that. How many days a week would you wear a collared shirt, would you say? Three, four days on average? Yeah.

You got a collared shirt on. A collared shirt. But like a polo, does that count? Does a polo count? That doesn't. It's a bowling shirt. That's a bowling and Hawaiian t-shirt somehow. Yeah, but I would count that.

I would count that. I put this on because you were coming. I'm trying to get a job here. We have a wedding to go to after this. Getting me? Damn. Is there ever a day where you won't shower? Like if you're just like, I don't have anything.

Or you're like, you wake up in the morning, get a go and shower at 9. You're never just like laying around like, I'll catch you tomorrow. You working out? What are you doing? Yeah, Peloton. You do pel?

Peloton. This guy needs an award from JD Power in his house. I know, man. You're killing it, dude. Sharpest comedian in the world. But it keeps me sane. It's really for my brain. Got you.

Yeah. Do you own any cufflinks? I do own cufflinks, but don't own the shirts that use the cufflinks. Don't have the French cuff. Yeah, the big French cuff. That's a lot. Have you been to France?

I have been to France. But just to Cannes, where they were doing some TV event. OK. And I had a show at the time, and we had to go over there. Damn, it's been the Cannes. You have been to Cannes. I've never been to Paris. You read the paper in the morning.

I get the New York Times every day. Do you read it every day? Really. A lot of days, I throw it away at the end of the day. But do you get the actual paper? But I get the paper. I like walking out, getting the paper. I like seeing how news is laid out.

On our phones, it's up to me to decide what's important. Sure, sure. You get to scan this way. And I like to see where the weight is, what's important to them. And I like holding the paper. I bet you look great reading the news paper. He looks down over his glasses.

Fantastic. I know. On a nice sunny day, sit at the breakfast nook, some fresh fruit on the table, the dog sleeping at your feet. You've got a fresh time. That is a, you're describing what I think about all the time. That's a nice moment. How do you take your eggs?

Oh my god, that's a great question. Over easy, over lightly easy. Gentle, over lightly easy. Yeah, like you just, you wanted to go, you wanted over, but just for a second. What would be your classic breakfast? You like to go simple, couple over easy eggs, some bacon or whatever?

Yeah, I don't make a lot of bacon since I live with all these veggies. It's kind of like a big thing. I usually, like if I'm sitting and like have some time, it would be either my sourdough toast with two eggs, coffee. How good is that sourdough? Yeah, that sourdough is legit.

It's legit. This guy's all right. You're legit, dude. Yeah. It's his own bread. I mean, what are we doing here? I, you know, we're not gonna get, we're not gonna catch him with a sucker punch

in the last round here. What are we doing? Have you ever crashed a golf cart? Have you ever killed a guy? I don't know. Now we're talking. Have you ever crashed a golf cart? I don't think I've crashed one.

I've taken one. I've got an air, I've got an air. Are you a golfer? He still likes to have a little fun, huh? I thought I completed it. So what are we talking about here? I've got an air. I'll catch some air.

Do you do karaoke? Never. Yeah. Man, his fucking. Do you own a bird? No. Any lizards, snakes ever at any time in your life? Yes.

During that period after college, my friend gave me, my friend was real and Tommy Salami days. My friend. Tommy Salami on a Python. Was into boa, was into boa constrictors. And gave me a boa constrictor. Whoa.

And it started as a little baby and it was kind of cute. And then it just grew in the fish tank. And every time I'd walk by, it would strike at the glass. Oh, fuck that. And you have to give it a live rodents. I'm like, this has got to go back. Coming over to this? Three turtle pals, you know, this thing.

Yeah. I know, I wasn't comfortable with it. What was your first concert? Van Halen. Holy shit. The Ridge? The Garden. David Lee Roth?

David Lee Roth, jump. Holy shit. At the Garden. Yeah. Wow. 84, was the album? What was it called, 84? I think so.

1984. Panama Jump? Yeah, Jump. Holy shit. Yeah, yeah. At the fucking. David Lee Roth. Eddie Van Halen, pretty great.

Not Van Hagar. Damn. Yeah, not the Van Hagar. Any trophies currently on display in your home? No. OK. Of mine? No.

Yeah. Will you get cash back when you make a purchase at a store? No. Oh, man, the way, the look in his eyes when he crosses that question. I'm going to say, I thought he's going to hit you. No. I mean, I have to be really, I got to really.

Got to be jammed up. I got to be, I got to have a lot of time to be like, do you want to give me your CVS number? Yeah. Do you want to give me your movie theater number? No, I don't. I want this to go quickly. I'm the same way.

What kind of luggage are you using? I've got a 2-Me wheelie bag with a 2-Me backpack that goes on top of it. That's like a pilot. Like a pilot. They have like the stack on. Yeah. Will you take your shoes off on the plane?

Never. Will you bring food on the plane? Never. Well, if I've been coached. If I'm back there with the animals, I would accept it. If I'm back there with them. Bring some feed to throw around. I got to acclimate myself.

Here's some old bread. I can't let them smell the money on me. I got to bring food back there so they won't bite me. But I won't bring, like if you're in coach, you need to bring your food because they're not going to give you food. But I won't bring anything cooked. Gotcha.

It's something dry. Power bar, some nuts, maybe some Cheez-Its, that kind of thing. Can't be rolling on with a Shake Shack burger. No. Like Chinese food or something. There's other people on the plane. I'm not bringing smelly food on the plane. People do it.

You like a Cheez-Iit. I love a Cheez-Iit. This guy's all right. Love a Cheez-Iit. That's my weakness in the airport. Cheez-Its. The wall of Cheez-Its? Forget it.

Do you check out at the hotel? Will you stop and check out or just walk out? Never. Of course. Let's not only do that internationally, so they don't steal your identity. Yeah, maybe internationally. I don't travel internationally too often.

But yeah, usually just walk. Have you ever had breakfast in bed? Not really. Have you ever made breakfast in bed for the misses? Yeah, early when the girls were little. But then I had a joke about that in my act. It's like on Mother's Day that it's like a torture. It's like you're pinning her down with this tray.

Yeah, you can't move. With shitty eggs and uncooked toast that the kids made. Happy Mother's Day. Fruity pebbles in the eggs. I'll be at the diner with the kids. Give her by clothes and then wear them and return them. No. That's a bad habit, though.

But Goodwill gets them. Do you have a favorite candy bar? Butterfinger. Really? Yeah. I know it's not popular. That's pretty good. That's all right, though.

Yeah, it's pretty good. It's kind of just forgotten. Ever been to a Renaissance fair? Once. For school like what and why? In the Tommy Salami days, went with my girlfriend. Okay. And a couple friends.

That's fun and catchy. Saw it, ate the turkey leg, never went back. OK. Ever written your name in wet cement? Yes. Will you buzz the attendant on a flight? Will I buzz the attendant? If you need something.

You like to have a cocktail on the plane? I had a double buzz last week. What? What happened? It's a lot. I don't want to be the guy double buzzing. Sure. But I buzzed and five minutes go by.

Oh, you double buzzed because they didn't come. I had been asleep and woke up. I needed something. I'm in the fancy seats. You're paying $3,000 to get to Cleveland. You can double buzz. You know what I mean? Those tickets ain't cheap.

Eventually, you hit him and he, you! You! And I buzzed and nobody came. So I turned it off, waited a minute, and then hit the double buzz. And I know the guy next to me is watching me double buzz. Like, who's going to get a load of this Tom Poppin double buzz it?

Who's this guy? But I needed water, whatever I needed. So it was a double buzz. Little out of character, but yeah. The fact that you recognize that shows how classy you are. Yeah, it's crazy. Are there magnets on the fridge at your house? The outside of that fridge is not magnetic.

So there's a couple taped up pictures of the kids at school things. Yeah. I assume all the cooking utensils, all that stuff is all top shelf. Like, do you have those, the croissant things? What do they call them? Yeah, croissettes.

You got those? Croissants. Those are the, those are, I have two of them. That's what the bread gets baked in. Really? Yeah, because you have to create steam. Right. So you put the dough, once it's all done, you put it in there

and you spray it with water and put the lid on it. Do you have a pizza cutter at the house? Yes. Of course he does. Nice set of knives, I assume? Yes. Just got sharpened, but I found a new knife sharpening guy. You've got a knife sharpening guy?

Yeah, I found a guy that comes and sharpens your knives. To the house? He comes, he pulls up in his Prius. He doesn't get out of the car. I don't, it was either. The options were, drop it at his mom's house. This is actually. This got less classy so now.

You're actually reminding me. He still got my knife. He asked me to leave a Yelp review, because he was good. He came up, I gave him the knives. He came back the next day and handed me the knives through the window. Doesn't get out of the car. And they're all nice and sharp.

And his thing was, will you give me a nice Yelp review? And I was like, OK. And then I went on it and the Yelp review wants to use my email. Hit it with the AOL? And maybe I think I have to get a new account to do it. And I haven't done it. I feel bad now.

You've got to get them. I got to get them. I live and breathe off those fucking Yelp reviews. Have you ever left a bad Yelp review? No. Never left. This guy's fullness. I mean, what are we doing here?

You pop anybody else's pimples? Never. Never. Scratch your back with a fork? Not a fork. Door jam. Nice. There's an old back scratcher that my grandmother had

that's in my office. Really? Yeah, in the closet. It's a old bamboo thing. It's nice. A lot of books in that office. That's a good amount of books. Can you play chess?

Yes. Man. I don't have people to play with, though. You ever play by yourself? I've tried on the phone or that kind of thing, but yeah. That's pretty sharp. What kind of air freshener you got in the Tesla? No air freshener.

Any eating or drinking in the car allowed? When I would drive the kids to school once in a while, they would bring something in, but it was very. But you, you would never go to the drive through. You would never do the White Castle move that you and your dad did. No, not in the car. The car's pretty pristine.

OK. When you go to the drive through, will you have a fast through at every once in a while or no? The only one is in and out. I stopped going when I was in college was when McDonald's was kind of catching a lot of shit. And I never went back to fast food after that. Really?

So like even on the road, I won't go. In and out doesn't really count. That's a little bit. That's a little bit, yeah. It's like Shake Shack. Yeah, right, exactly. Man, I want to find a hole. Do you have any fireworks at the house?

No, but I would take them. Yeah. See if the knife guy has any on him next time. He sounds like he knows a guy. Any numchucks, Chinese stars, anything like that? No. You do karate in public? Do you want to?

As a joke. Will you eat a hard-boiled egg in public? Yeah, you would. I'll get the, yeah, because the Starbucks protein pack thing, it's got an egg in it. Can't even fault you for that, Jesus. Got nothing. You have baking soda in the fridge?

Yes. Of course you do. Two of them. Boom, in your face, fatty. Anybody in the family ever claimed to have seen a UFO? Yes. OK. Yeah.

I have a picture of a ghost that I saw in my office. All right, this guy's crazy. That's why we do it. Here's your houses on it. Yeah, I had one of those Nest cameras put in. Are you going to show us? Yeah, I'm going to show you. I had one of those Nest things.

I don't know if I want to see this. Yeah. I had one of those Nest cameras put in, my office. And I was on the road for the first time. The office is in the house. The office is in the house, my office. You're probably getting haunted by a Duke who's taking notes on how to live there.

People surveilling you. Who is this man? He's been whispering in my ear all this time. It's probably the government. Don't pee in the shower. Really? I meant an excellent choice. And you get the alert.

Alert, something went off. Yeah, that something went off, and it was my dog. I was like, oh, that's cool. And I said to my opening acts in Colorado, I said, wouldn't it be funny? That would be a good beginning of a horror movie. You get an alert, and there's just a dude looking back in the camera.

Oh, fuck that. I've seen those online. Like somebody trying to get in the front door? Yeah. That's not for me. Yeah. So then just I said that, another alert went. And this is the picture it sent back.

The only people in the house was my wife and my young daughter. Is it that shadow? Yeah. You mean the guy, the shadow that looks like a guy? Yeah. Yeah, that looks like a guy. It looks like he has a gun, too, or something. And there's nothing like this isn't on the street.

There's no reflection. There's no other people in the house. I called my wife. I'm like, what's going on there? He looks like a guy in a trench coat. Yeah. That's a, yeah, so that's the ghost. That's a nice offer, too.

Have you had situations at the house before where you noticed? Or you guys, did you guys know what's on it? Since then. Burned some sage? My daughter's kind of freaked out by it. Because there's a couple sightings. Yeah, gotta ask him to leave. My wife was in the laundry room, which is below that.

And she thought my daughter was there and said something. And then turned and there was nobody there. Oh, I'm never gone. I wanted to go to your house so bad. Tom, it was nice knowing you. But my daughter is a little freaked out by the stories. Yeah, what do you mean, of course? So she burns sage.

Yeah. She burns sage and I wanted the spirits out of there. But that doesn't bother you. No, it doesn't seem like a menacing kind of a presence. Not afraid of ghosts. I don't know how to get to this guy. This guy's like a fucking fighter pilot. He might be in his arms like Scooby-Doo.

What are you talking about? Oh, we gotta wrap it up. 100% class. Mr. Tom Papa. Thank you so much for coming, man. Brand new Netflix special out right now. It's so funny because everything you ask, this is why I love it, is everything you ask,

I've given a lot of thought to. Of course. Yeah, you're a very calculated man. I'm like, how to live and how to do it. Most people come in and have answered no to all of those questions. God. Classy guy.

What else you have coming up other than the special? It's out on Netflix right now. Everybody's got to check it out. Yeah, it's called What A Day. It just dropped. I hope people like it. It's really packed with jokes. It should be good.

I named it What A Day because that's what I say all the time. When I come in, I'm like, What A Day, What A Day. And then, but it has a different meaning at the end of the day, which you're like, What A Day. Let me get me a martini stat. Gang, he's one of the best to ever do. We're so happy that you came in and sat down with us. Kippy, what do you got for them out there?

Like I said, the third show at the Gramercy is on sale now. Get those tickets. Please help move those tickies. And then the live stream we're doing January 1st. Guys, thank you so much for the support. We appreciate it. Going to be a lot of fun. Gang, we love you.

Mr. Papa, we love you. Thank you. Thank you so much again, sir. So much fun. Gang, we'll see you next week. Bye-bye.