Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tom Segura!

Episode Date: June 16, 2022

Kippy & Foley are joined by the one and only Tom Segura. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.BetterHelp.com/GARBAGE https://www.LadderLife.com/GARBAGE https://www.SoFi.com/GARBAGE

Gang, the middle class famous tour is about to kick in the high gear, baby. We're talking about a fun time, mix of stand up comedy, play a little AYG with the crowd. Great way to introduce new people to the show. So grab your best gal, grab your best guy, grab the bozos, grab the homies. Come on out and see the gang. Oh, yeah, we're going to be in Red Bank, New Jersey, Seattle, Portland, Kansas City, Springfield, St. Louis, Nashville.

And then we're going to Indianapolis and also this Friday, the week you're hearing this June 17th, we're doing an AYG and friends show in New York City, stand up showcase, ticket links are in the description. Get them. We'll see you there. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite

new podcast, this is Are You Garbage? It's a little show. We sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy after just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, Tate's Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antote's basement. She got picked up last night. Yeah. Grand Theft Auto.

Yikes. Stole a city bus. What are you going to do? So we'll see her in about six weeks, pending on good behavior. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage, a bit of an international businessman himself. He's the Prince of Park Avenue, but always the king of the boardwalk. Give it up for Kippy, Kevin James Ryan. Hey, gang.

Thanks for tuning in. As always, just make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube as you know, those numbers are cooking. Then the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage? Check it the fuck out of that money and having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire, the magic man makes us all look good. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin, Toby McMullen, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, dudes?

We got a hot one, dude. It's a historic day. It's our first fucking race car driver. This is a big fucking Dale Jr. in here. Look at him old smokey. I like it. Gang, we couldn't be more excited. And I mean, could not be more excited to have R incredibly.

And I mean, fucking incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time, he is a bohemian, a monster, stand up comedian, podcaster, and now author. And let's not forget multi-millionaire. Right now, kids got a little bit of fucking key showing him. He has multiple stand up specials out, including thrilled white girls with cornrows, completely normal, mostly stories, disgraceful in 2020's ball hog. Of course, he is the co-host of your mom's house, two bears, one cave. And of course, he is the owner operator of YMH studios down here in Austin,

Texas. Let's cut the bullshit. He's one of the biggest, one of the fucking baddest. He's the boss of bosses. The capo de capo, how heffy they heffy's. Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor. Give it up for Tom Sigour. Thank you guys very much.

Thank you very much. Quite an introduction. I know. Well, he's a big loves the intro. That's a nice intro, man. How we do it? It feels good. How we fucking do it.

Thanks for coming. Thank you for coming. I'm very excited to be here, man. Give us a scoop. What's the best? He said that kind of like a psychopath. I am. I'm excited.

Fucking Anton Chigur. And with a cattle thing. I am. I am. This is fun. I like hanging out with comics. It's always the most fun. It's the best, isn't it?

Yeah. It's the best. What's the backstory on Tom Sigour? Give us the origin. Where'd you grow up? Give us the whole deets. Okay. There's a lot of moving parts.

First of all, you know, my dad was a white American dude. He married a Peruvian woman. Okay. So he went down there was like, I like this shit. Took it back. Yeah. Old school. He wrapped this one up.

Yeah. Yeah. Get this. Get this one out. Get her off that fucking donkey and bring her over here. So he put down the pineapple. You spoke like no English, dude. I'm like, huh, like what the fuck, man?

Like the first site. Like he saw those fucking. And he was like, I am in. So he, um, yeah. They said, let's see. They, I was born in Cincinnati. Okay. I lived there for the first nine years in a suburb of

Cincinnati called Fairfield. What'd your dad do? He, so he was working for a company called Byron Jackson, which sold like, uh, pipes. I think that sounds like an old baseball play. Yeah. And hell of a relief bitch in that. He then quit that job to start at like entry level,

Merrill Lynch broker. All right. Um, but like in that, that was 1976 or five. And it was like, you make 18 grand a year. It's like, you know, you got a really hustle, but he worked, he stayed with them for 40 years. So he, uh, company man moved on up and he went from brokerage to management.

And that's why we moved a lot. So I moved when I was nine, we moved to a suburb of Minneapolis called Plymouth because he became the sales manager of that office. Okay. Three years later, two years later, we moved to Milwaukee. He became the manager of the Milwaukee branch. Okay.

Then we stayed there from, uh, let's say we moved there when I was 11, we left and I was halfway through my freshman year in high school. My dad would not let me, we would not move the family until football season was over. He's like, you cannot quit on the team. That's, I'm a fucking freshman in high school. So like, yeah, he was like, this is like a war now.

Like you will not abandon the fucking troops. God, they're into your workouts. Shut up. We went one in nine anyway. The season ended and then he allowed the, the freshman football, by the way, he's like, you can't quit on the front. He's a man of honor.

Yeah. So we moved to Varro Beach, Florida from there. Okay. And that's about halfway through my freshman year in high school. And then they stayed there. I finished high school there. Um, and then, um,

you were the new kid rolling in. Yeah. And that was the shittiest move. Oh, that had to stop midway through freshman year in high school. You feel like you're established and everything is like your social service and you got to start over again. That one sucked the most.

Everybody thought you were a narc, probably. Not kidding. Also, this fucking face is kind of police life. Sure. Like his dad was an FBI agent. I got it in the fucking year bald. You got a full beard. I did.

I had a beard and everyone later told me, they're like, when you would say like, where, like, where the party? There's no party. I don't know. You're talking about, sir, you're walking around in a sport coat. Yeah. They're like, we thought you were like 23 and I was 14.

I mean, I did. I had facial hair. I was a pretty big kid. So they're like, there's no way this kid's fresh. Also, you don't really have a backstory. You were constantly moving. Like, where'd you come from? I was at, uh, you know, Minneapolis.

My mom's Peruvian, sure. Blue eyes, sir. Sure. White is guy here for sure. So then I went to, uh, I don't know. I went to college in North Carolina, a small school. Called Lenore Ryan. Really small school.

It was the only school I got into. Play sports. No. Okay. Um, I, uh, I graduated from there. What'd you major in? Communications. Uh, it's like, I just don't want to major.

I managed the radio station for a year. There you go. That's pretty good. Um, what would you get on your SATs? If you don't mind me asking. A 10 30. Solid. Solid.

Four digits is all right. Yeah, that's all right. It's all right. Um, we're a crowd. That's pretty good. Then, by the way, that was like no, no trying. Sure. So I was like, I got to try.

So I did the study and everything. I went back and I got like a nine. Take it 10 30. That's like taking STD test. Yes. Yeah. I know answer. You'll want me to get out of there.

So I left. Oh, so I graduate. I go to work, uh, in real estate. My buddy is renting apartments in Boston. It is a fucking racket. I did not know that this is how it works. So in Boston, what happens is at the time, there's 61 colleges and universities. So there's a constant housing need that never ends.

Right. There's a students and also just, you know, it's a major city. So all the, the, the apartments, how, you know, list their places. They call a real estate office and they go, you know, here's, here's what's available. You as a realtor, as long as you pass the test, you take me to show me the, the place and then every single place had the same. Will you play first month, first last, and then equivalent to one month to the

realtor, and then I get half of that with the office. So I'm out of, I'm a, I'm just out of college and I don't know anything about Boston, so everyone who's like, what's this neighborhood? Like, I'd be like, I love it. Yeah. Like totally not racist. Nice. Yeah.

And they said, you can't, they would tell you things like, you can't say, um, uh, this is a safe neighborhood. You have to say, I feel safe here. Yeah. Whoa. They're like, it's 12 o'clock on a Tuesday. Yeah. Like I feel safe.

Come back at two in the morning on a Friday and see how safe you feel. But it was the, here's the thing. How did, how, how was it Boston though? Your buddy. So my buddy, his family was from there and they had this, this real estate connection. Damn. So he brings me up and I hang out and like, I'm there seven, eight weeks and I'm making like thousands of dollars a week right out of college.

But I'm like, I can, I could just feel that I don't want to do this. Okay. Even though I know I'll make six figures immediately doing this. I'm like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a realtor. I just don't. So I leave there and I go work for America's Most Wanted in. I have heard this.

Yes. In DC. What? Tracking down cases. What are you doing? Yes. No, you're not. Well, I'm the, I'm the research, one of the lead research people.

So what happens is. Did you meet John Walsh? Yeah. So I got the job. What? Pick him up at a bar one time. Yeah. I ran into John Walsh when I was in college, his daughter was taking a tour of the

school I was at and I went up to him and I was like, I'm from the same area and all this and he was like, you got, you know, I was like, I do communications. And he was like, if you want an internship, call this number. Damn. And so I called and I got the internship. And that was while I was in college, when I graduated, they were like, you can come work now for the actual show. I was working for a side show called Final Justice.

And sweet, sweet. I was producing episodes of that show. I was producing the show in college and for free. So they're like, this kid hustles. So when I go back, they're like, they basically, they need stories to pursue. So I'm like, look, this guy, he fucking raped a bunch of people. He's on the run. Like, let's go get him.

You're making shit up. Yeah. I'm just like, and I'm reading, dude, I'm reading like the most disturbing. Just fucking warping your brain. It's fucked. I mean, like I like crime shows and like all those biography shows about, but it's fucked up at one point. I think this is in the book that I that is coming out that they gave me, you

know, they give you like different case profiles, right? And then you dig deeper. And then if you want is really good, then I'll call the FBI and be like, you know, what do you, what do you have about him? Holy shit, fuck. And they sent me a diary of a pedophile. So it's his personal diary of what he's doing. And you just like at the end of the day, hey, I'm just trying to book him on the

show. I don't want to play a story. Yeah. And then I go to the story editor and I go, you know, I lay out basically, here's the crime, here's the guy, here's what he did. Here's why he's a, you know, he's a fugitive because they want to pursue people that are fugitive. And then they were like, yeah, we, you know, they accepted it.

And they go, um, I go, he escaped. A lot of the guys, especially like, um, sex criminals, they'll go to certain countries where you can basically, it's easier to perform sex crimes, but also to skip out on, on the justice. So he had escaped or bribed somebody on like Costa Rica. So that I was like, that's right. And then they sent me down there. What?

Yeah. So I do, I, I go do the episode. I'm on an episode. Um, you see me like, you know, they gave me any heat to go down there. They gave me, no, they gave me, I'm just an intern. Yeah.

What the fuck? They gave me a clipboard. They gave me a guide and a producer and a cameraman. And then you want to be on TV? Here's how fucking bad I was at it though. Like, I mean, like how I'm, you know, they didn't send you down to the find the guy, did they? No, but to do the story.

All right. So they sent me with a producer. I'm one of the like associate producer. Plus I speak Spanish. So I'm like translating boots on the ground. Yeah. There you go. And we're sitting there and they're like, um, you know, I, I meet this person.

That's, and then I meet a girl who was like, who had been abused. And I'm sitting here interviewing her for the show cameras over here. And I'm translating. Dude, as she's telling me her story, I start crying, but like, she's not crying. Right. She's like, it happened to me motherfucker. And I'm like, I'm like, and I, and I, and I'm like trying to stop. And then I just look at her.

I'm like, yeah, I can't stop. Like I just keep crying. And then like one of the camera guys is like, this is probably not your gig. Go back to fucking being a realtor. He's like, I'm like, so I do that job for a few months. And I get, I'm, you know, my first day on that job, by the way, my first day on America's most wanted as a, as a full employee is September 10th, 2001 in DC. So I'm like, my, my next, my second day of going to work is 9 11, right?

And like, and, and so then our whole, my whole show becomes like profiling. We just profiled bin Laden. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm still looking for him. And I'm like at the White House, you know, because we're doing pressers from like, you know, whatever they talk, all they would talk about is terrorism. So then they would send our crew to the White House. So I would just be sitting on the lawn, you know, that West Wing lawn just out there calling friends like, I'm at the white house and then people will be like,

you know, they can hear it. I was like, oh yeah, I'm just like, yeah, dude, this place is fucking awesome. Where are you guys drinking at? This guy's a cop. I don't trust him. Did Boomer ever get that weed? What's the deal? Gang, by the way, the book is called, I'd like to play alone, please.

You have to fucking check it out. Fantastic. Please do. You can get an audio book if you like to listen to them, ebook, hard book, whatever. But I do that for a few months and I have the same feeling as like the real estate thing where I'm like, you know, I don't want to do this shit. Right. And it's like immediately after that September 10th, first day, and they gave

me a three month contract. They offer me a re-up. They're like, you want to do like a year contract? And I'm like, no. And I just, I load up a truck and I drive to LA. Then I joined the CAA comedy. Yeah. You were like already dead set.

Had you done it yet? No, I'd never done state. I'd hosted a couple of things where I'm like, it feels like you're doing stand up. I hosted a talent show. I'd done like improv, you know, like high school, try to do bits on America's most one and then communications. Like in college, they would do the fucking lamest videos, right? Cause you had to shoot and edit in your videos.

Well, I would always do comedy videos, right? Like I was trying to make comedy videos. And, you know, my professor was like, what the fuck is this? Right. He said, people are doing like shit that like you'd find it like a local, a videographer for like a wedding would do. Sure. And I was just like, what if you froze your diarrhea?

So here's a compilation of car crashes. He was like, the fuck is this? I was like, it's funny, right? He was like, no, I got this guy in Costa Rica. You got to have him on. He's unbelievable. So I moved there, uh, January 2nd of 2002, I moved to LA. And then I, a few months later, I signed up for the groundlings, which is like the

improv show and I, cause I thought I was going to do that. I thought I was going to be like a comedy actor. And then there's standups in my class. Sam Tripoli was in that class with me, Nick Wegener, a writer now, and they were both doing standup at the time. And they were like, you should try to stand up. Yeah. Damn.

That's kind of what you do on 9 11. They give you a half day. They send you home. What happened? It was the longest, it was the longest fucking day because I remember I was putting my, I was tying my shoes. I was, I had, I had rented a room at a house in College Park, Maryland, right? Which is like outside, like 30 minutes outside of DC.

And I'm tying my shoe. I still remember and they had, they happened to have like good morning America or what one of those locals on and it showed the guy, like the smoke coming out, I still remember it was like Bryant Gumbler, someone being like, they still thought it was like a Cessna. They're like, oh, a Cessna hit the thing. And as I'm putting on the other shoe, the second plane, and I get in the, yeah, I get in the, my, my truck and I'm driving into DC and all the radio stations are

like, we're under attack. And I'm like, there's nothing under it. What the fuck is he even talking about? And then they're like the Pentagon. And I'm like, I mean, I'm driving into DC and then we go in there and like, uh, it was, and here's the thing, I worked at Fox studios, local Fox affiliate on Wisconsin Ave in DC. So when you're in a new state, like if you think if you're home watching TV that

day, that's a lot, there are 100 TVs that have all the feeds. So all you hear is every feed and every screen. And we stayed there until like 11 o'clock at night. So at the end of the day, everybody was just like, Gee, it was, yeah, that's a lot to take in, especially being that like in DC. It was like, damn, that's fucking wild. It was a wild day. Yeah.

Man, from that to the ground links. Yeah, I was like, let's yuck it up, guys. Holy shit. That's fucking crazy. Brothers and sisters. What was the story? Two sisters. One's I'm the middle.

So, okay, one younger. Yeah. What were the family vacations like? Um, they. Your dad started doing well, right? I mean, I remember all the transitions. You know what I mean? Like all the level ups.

I remember the level ups. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, I remember that, you know, it would be fast food. It was Kmart. It was, you know, like, like buying a new car or whatever, whatever. Yeah. But I remember like it was, it was, it was, you know, you would be in a certain social economic group for, for a while.

You know, a few years. I mean, we had like, you know, for then it was like mini vans and like, it's like 16 hour drives, you know, to like Orlando. And that was the, the vacation. You would drive from like Minneapolis down there. Yes. It was all. Yeah.

They never fucking. Flu. I mean, did your mom drive at your dad? Have to bite that bullet really? That woman is Peruvian, dude. No, she won't drive on the highway still. Still, she's like, I said, the highway scares me. It moves too fast.

Yeah. She drives like on side streets and then she's like, well, you get me a car. I'm like, for what? She also was like, always asking for like the newest laptop. I'm like, you play bridge. Like just use a fucking Dell. And she's like, I want the, she's like, I want the new MacBook Air. And I'm like, why?

It has so much capacity. No, I get, of course, like she guilts me into getting it for it. I got her a fucking Mercedes. Get her an old game boy. I got her a Mercedes three months ago. Nice. And she calls me and she's like, the problem is it's too high. It's like, it's an SUV.

I'm like, yeah, that's how they make it. And she's like, I get a low rider. She's like, I need to ask if they can put the climbing device on a ladder. Like, what are you talking about? And she's like, maybe I switch it for another one. I go, that's on you. I'm done. I'm out.

I you, you switch it for another car. Holy shit. Yeah. That's fucking wild, man. Did she, she didn't work growing up. No. Okay. There was a period where she was doing like volunteer stuff at a school and she

would always, because she, you know, that like her English got better over time, she would always do things that like, if they needed bilingual person, you know, like because we live in some, like some of these cities where you, you know, nobody, you didn't know anybody that did. So they were like, we need a guy, there's this guy at the hospital. There's no way to tell the doctors what's going on. Gotcha. Like that kind of could your dad speak Spanish?

Fuck no. So she taught your sisters, they spoke Spanish too? Well, what happened was she just like, when she got to the, like, when they married, I'm like, what kind of relationship did you guys have? She knew how to say like 11 words. And they're like, we had God, you know, they're both Catholic. So they, um, they would just, I mean, I just, I didn't understand like how, how the fuck this happened.

So as a kid, when she was like at home talking to us, meaning the three kids, uh-huh, she would just speak in Spanish always, whether it's like to clean your room or it's time to eat or you're late for school or it was just all Spanish, Spanish, Spanish. And then we would usually reply in English. Right. So it was like, uh, right. All right.

Um, but to my dad, you know, she spoke her, he knew like fucking nine words. Like he'd be like tango, I'm bright. And one time I go, I go, I have hunger, right? I didn't learn any like cool shit. And then this is like right before he died, he died like in December. This is probably like in October, September. So he's never said this to me. I'm like, you never like, she never taught you anything.

And like, she's sitting next to him and he's like, well, there is one. And I go, what? And he said, uh, semi-caya la bamba porto chucha, which is my lip. My mouth drops open for your pussy. How about, where's the beat? I'm like, that's what you fucking, that's the only, I go, you only, how, why'd you hold on to that? And now you know how the relationship works.

You know what the fuck was going on. Holy shit. Gang, this podcast is sponsored by better help. Let me tell you something. Burnout is a real thing. Oh yeah. They're feeling fatigued. Lay off the age and get a haircut.

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That's ladder, L-A-D-D-E-R, life.com slash garbage, ladderlife.com slash garbage. Do it up back to the show. What was the, uh, since you moved around a lot, let's do, uh, the Minneapolis one. What was the name of the street that you grew up on? What was the name of that street? In Minneapolis? Yeah. Fuck.

Do you remember any of them you grew up on? Uh, I do remember Walther Drive. That's pretty class. That sounds all right. Yeah. Sounds like wealthy. No, that was not a wealthy one though. No, there was, um, the nicest house.

Actually, the house that I thought, I thought we were fucking cooking. I mean, I thought we were like CEO was in Milwaukee. Okay. And I think it had oak in the address and it's nice. Here's the thing. This is wild. Okay. It had a tennis court.

The house did. Yeah. Damn, that is kind of CEO. That's CEO. I know. So you turn on to the street and I'm like, oh, and this is what happened. Like I go, and people used to drop me off. They're like, is this the neighborhood's tennis court?

I'd be like, no, this shit's ours. Did anybody play tennis in the family? Yeah. Everybody started playing tennis. And then like, and then like skateboarders would try to come by because of the, you know, like the, the surface and then I'd use, I'd use a pellet gun and shoot them from, talk about new money. I like that.

But get them long hairs off. Get out of here. You fucking hippie couple of warning shots over the net. And my dad really hated hippies. So it was like, it was great. He was in Vietnam. Oh, of course. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. So he was a Marine. He fucking just, yeah, he really, he's a hippie skateboarders on his prop on his fucking brand new tennis court. No way. I saw talking about the thrill of killing the enemy and, and he would be like, he wouldn't tell me about it for years.

He was in combat. Yeah. He was in combat. God damn. Yeah. He would, he led a platoon of 70. Jesus. He's a lieutenant.

That's in the shit, baby. He's in the shit. And so for years, years, I would be like, cause if you know, your dad's in a war, you're like, what was it like in a war? And he would be like, yeah, you know, and, and they never like taught those dudes never liked, they don't. And I think he also was like, he kept my mother, you know, they had like a more traditional relationship where like, you know what I mean?

Like, you don't, you don't talk a certain way around your, like, you know, there's certain people have that gentleman. Yeah. More gentlemanly around my mom and like, you know, you talk, talk to with the guys like this. And when we were young, he would also, also protect us from, you know, saying crazy, but then like I turned 30 and I'm like, really? Yeah.

I just start to keep talking about war. And then one day I'm probably like late thirties. I'm like, so like, what's it like though? Like, you know, like in combat, like, like shooting the enemy. Especially there at that time is fucking probably. Yeah. And he goes way better than the best pussy you've ever had. You passed the best.

And he said it in Spanish. That was the greatest. He even hold it out. He goes, he goes, we would, he goes, we would call it, you call it getting some. You hear it like in movies. Yeah. Get some, get some. He's like, did you get some?

And then he's like, when you got some, he was like, it was a sense of euphoria. And you just, you know, I would, I would ask the guys, would you rather, would you rather go get a blow job right now or blow these, you know? I don't know. Where are we going? And don't be cut. I have an uncle Larry, too. And they'd be like, we want to get some.

Lieutenant, like he was like, and then you just see him like fucking, damn. I mean, they, you know, you get trained for it. Of course they did. So, you know, it's like a form of brainwashing and build you up. How, yeah, of course. My dad was in the Navy and he was in Alaska and he volunteered to go to Vietnam. He was in country on like a PBR base and he never, he wasn't in like the shit shit like your pop was, but he was, it was dicey.

Never said a fucking word to us about it ever. Just every once in a while, when he would be watching us at the house and my mom would be at work, he would turn all the lights off in the house, turn all the flood lights on and make us sit in front of the picture window and look out. Are you being serious? Crazy as that is every once in a while. Yeah, they're all night watch. I think, I think his biggest thing was when he.

Imagine those sleepovers, buddy. Dude, he got there in 1971 and there was like a bunch of people there. There was like a bunch of Navy guys, a bunch of airborne people across like the Delta or whatever, but by the time he left the last couple of months he was there, it was like him and like 15 Americans and the rest were all South Vietnamese and they were, they were coming. So it was like, I think it was a worry of every night. That's intense, dude.

You know, the saddest part, the saddest part, I think for my dad, though, for like, because he tells you tell these stories and a lot of times they would be like just really tense and sometimes they're really funny. Is that like towards the end of his life, like he would start to talk about how much it emotionally affected him. And I was like, he thought that like therapy was only for. Like, like, please are just crazy people. Yeah. And those dudes put a cap on that shit.

And we're in five years ago, one of his friends who was a guy he met who was in the same time, same rank as my dad in the Marine Corps. Was like, you know, I love therapy and he's like, yeah, but your dad won't do it. I was like, damn, I wish that I wish that I know, man, you know, like, just to go get that off. Yeah, I think they're so deep and it's so scarring and their generation was so not used to it just to even open that can. Yes, they can't even start. Yeah. Did your dad smoke? No. No, really? No.

Picture like a zippo lighter, a couple of fucking reds. No. And born to kill on his helmet. He really, really despised marijuana. Oh, really? He had like multiple stories about because a lot of the troops, you know, is being fucked up, falling asleep on watching shit like that. And guys, he he told me a story of multiple stories about the Kong or somebody trying to sell his Marines marijuana and like picking them up by their throat

and like putting the M16 in their face. And I'm like, buddy, it's just a little reefer. Calm down. And he made he made his Marines piss on like a big bag of it one time. He's like, that's what I think about marijuana. I was like, all right, all right, cool. Hide your stash up in the room real well. Are you smoking doobies in high school? Yeah. Yikes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You would have freaked out. He would have freaked out. And I remember one time you ever do one of these. I go out on a Friday night and and get in late, right? And I'm driving my like one of my parents vehicles. It was a Toyota forerunner. I remember specifically. And I remember, you know, I go to bed and I'm going to sleep in probably till like 11 or something.

Did I'm in a dead sleep? And at like seven o'clock in the morning, I shoot up. And I was like, and I run downstairs. I'm in boxers. I'm just wearing boxers like what I sleep in. And my dad's on the couch just watching TV. He's just like getting like, you know, breakfasts going like new stuff. And he's like, hey, I go, hey, and I just walk outside. I open the door to the forerunner and on the center console, I left a pipe,

like a pipe with weed in it. And I'm like, first of all, I don't know how I left it or how I remembered. But then I grab it and I go inside. He's like, what are you doing? Now, you got to explain what you just did. And I just said like some dumb shit. I was like, I just, you know, I thought the lights were on and that thing. But I saw some hippies on the tennis court that I was going to shoot him.

I got him. Don't you worry. It was a level of panic that I could still feel today. Oh, you know, fuck. I thought he was going to kill those old. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's told you what he's done to fucking guys that aren't his kids. Yes. But we let alone do. Yeah. That'd be the biggest letdown ever. Oh, yeah. Those old schoolers was tough to get away with anything on.

They knew exactly what you were sure you are. All right. Sure, buddy. They say, you know, you got a 45 to your head. Oh, I'm 16 up here. It's all right. Mr. Segura, what the fuck? Everybody was scared. My friends would be like, your dad scares the fuck out of me.

He's scaring the shit out of me. He was in fucking nom in this shit. Got a thousand yards stare. You fucking kidding me? Caught a guy with a joint one time. Put a fucking knife in his mouth, cut his balls off and stuck him in his mouth. You kids want some pizza? That's crazy.

I wonder you were scared. There. Holy shit. That's fucking awesome. God damn. What was the grocery store that your mom would go to? Maybe down in Florida since you were in publics. All right. Respectable.

Not too good. Not too bad. What was the high school mascot? Pirates. That's all right. That's fine. It's not classy, but you know what I mean? Well, Pirates is actually pretty trashy the more I think about it. Yeah, it's kind of trashy. In Milwaukee, the school was called Homestead.

I think it was the Highlanders, but I don't remember. That's pretty sweet. Can you Google it? Homestead High School in Mequon, Wisconsin. I think so. They were like, they were very, they were good. They won state and a bunch of different things. Did you play sports in high school?

Yeah. You did play football. Football in basketball. Did your dad play football in high school? Yeah. Football guy. Yeah. Imagine he was probably pretty physically.

He was a three time state champion Olympic weightlifter. Whoa. Yeah. And you're out smoking doobies with your good time fucking. Including fourth in the nation at 14. God damn. So he was like a little freak. I'd be fucking petrified of this man.

And you know how he would, so when I wanted to get in the weightlifting, I'm like, oh, my dad, all we had was trophies and everything from all his wins. And I was like, you know, I go to do like a power clean. And he was like, no. I was like, okay. He goes, do it like this. And then he just, he did it.

Sure. And he was like, do it like that. I go, that's not like coaching. Yeah. That's not how it works, man. Like you can't just be like, do what I do. Do what I do. Stop being a pussy.

Yeah. And then he just like walked away. I was like, that's the lesson? Yeah. All right. Yeah, dog Angus the Highlander. Homestead High School, Wisconsin. Okay.

Highlander. Okay. So Highlanders and then the booty pirates. The booty pirates. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds like an Uncle Luke song.

Yeah. The booty pirates. Everybody's twerking. Drink milk with dinner growing up. No, I hate milk. What? Yeah. I hate milk.

Get this guy out of here. What are you kidding me? Yeah. Well, I, it made me fuck. I mean, I used to drink it with cereal, obviously. Sure. Normal times to drink milk, not with the fucking spaghetti dinner. Are you lactose intolerant?

No. No, but it kind of just makes me nauseous. Like I don't really, I just don't like milk. What are you doing to drink in the coffee? This is oat milk. Okay. Yeah. He's a fucking gentleman.

Yeah. I'll give it to you. So far so good. What were the pets like growing up? We always had at least a dog. Okay. So at first it was, first it was a white Maltese named Fluffy. Okay.

That escaped and my parents went and bought the exact same dog and told us that they found it. Like they found our dog. That's like fucking eat the parents type shit. And then. That tennis court. Fluffy ever come back? Or how did you, how'd you, how'd you make?

Fluffy shows up. Who the fuck's this guy? How'd you make Fluffy number two? Well, that's what I'm saying. They went and told us that they found Fluffy. But I'm saying how did you know that it wasn't, I guess you do know it's not your dog. Oh yeah. That's right.

Wow. We're like, this dude, I don't know. It's a Labrador. It's over the spots. It's a dog has tattoos. What the fuck? Tails gone. So, but then when we got to Florida, they got kind of dog obsessed.

You know, I think it happens to like, as kids get older, especially to the woman. Of course. You know? So then it, then they got, my dad had a Beagle when he was a kid and he told us this name Rocket. Right. And so we got a Beagle. Okay.

And they named it Rocket. And it was morbidly obese, like, I took it to the vet and they're like, what are you guys doing to this? And I'm like, I'm not the owner. The parents, my parents own it. And they're like, this dog is so sick. It's so fat. It's way fatter.

It's like four, I guess whatever it wants. And they're like, feed it green beans. I told my parents, day one, they got green beans. That was it. That was the only day. Poster elastic. Green bean casserole. Yeah.

They fuck it. And then they got pugs. They got into pugs. Okay. Love pugs. At one point there was five. I feel like once people get into pugs, they really get into pugs. Take a step back here.

There was five pugs in your house. Four pugs and one beagle. At the same time. At the same time. Yes. How many bedrooms is the house? When they had all those dogs, it was a four or five bedroom house. Your couch must have been covered in dog hair.

No, because I, well, I don't remember that. I don't remember that. It could have been. Holy shit. I really don't remember. And then, but here's the thing. At the time they're acquiring dogs. It's like my oldest sister probably like going to college.

Yeah. People are moving around. Dogs are coming in. People are moving out. Five dogs is a lot. Who would walk the dogs? Would you have to walk them? Walk?

No. Why do you think they're so fucking fat? What about the dog shit in the backyard? This has come up on the podcast. Clean it up? Me? No. Somebody in the family or the landscaper.

Yeah. Yeah. And my mom would do a lot of that. Yeah. And then. Did you have to cut? What were your chores? You have to cut the grass?

So I did cut grass. You know, it's a funny thing. It's like there's, there's a, there's like cultures and communities where it's normal and then where it's not. And for some reason, when we were in the Midwest, cutting your lawn was just routine. Sure. Like I cut the lawn in, in Minneapolis and Milwaukee for years and like, and it's like we moved to Florida and they're like, what are you doing?

People don't, what are you doing? You don't cut the grass. I hire somebody. It was just like everybody. And like even like, like lower middle income people would have, I think it's a part of it is that it's a hundred and fucking sure. That's true. And so.

I also think there was a time where that turned where like it became more affordable for landscapers to be like, Hey, I can come for 30 bucks. Yeah. Okay. Great. So I, once we were in Florida, I never did your artwork. Hmm. I never kind of equipment.

When you're riding in Polish, I remember we had the push and then in that Milwaukee house with the, that my dad went and got the riding mower, John Deere. What was it? I don't remember the craftsman. Could have been a craftsman. If it was a deer, you'd know it. Yeah. You never forget a deer.

Tom. You'd be riding that thing around. What are you talking about? You're right. Yeah. I would have remembered. Yeah. Yeah.

Everyone remembers the yellow and the green. But that was the shit. And I was fucking, I gotta say, I was thrilled to be doing that. I liked it. The rider. It became a chore. Before you could drive. And like they had like.

It was fucking awesome. Adam might as well have a golf cart. It was pretty like, like it wasn't enormous amount of land, but it took a while to do it. Get out there for a little while. Yeah. It was great. Smoked your bones.

Yeah. Did you ever joyride the riding lawn mower off the property? That's a bad luck. A little bit. But not, not, not far down a little bit. I didn't go to the circle. Throwing rocks at everybody. Yeah.

Fucking cars. There was a Nazi across the street. I forgot that. You should open with that. I know. What are you doing talking about your tennis courts? It took me a while to put it together, you know? He was like 90 and German and the flag didn't give it away.

What do you think? And I fucking, you know, I really click with this guy. Really got along, you know, give me his memorabilia. Do you have a family? It was just, it was this old German couple and, you know, there's a lot of Germans in Milwaukee. Okay. But then, I mean, we're talking, I mean, old as fuck, and he was a little older than

her. They, I mean, when I, we moved there, he had to be like in his 80s and like, you know, I'm like, here's a mess, but like sweet. And sweet. Yeah. I hate full guy, you know, but like, I didn't put together and then all of a sudden, you know, some time goes by and it's like talking about, oh, you're in the military, you're in the war.

And I was like, which war were you in? Wasn't Fallujah. I'm like, wait, you're 85. What's Normandy really like? Yeah. I was like, oh, okay. Dan, he was a German soldier. Yeah.

As far as they let him over here. Yeah, I'm sure he had. Should have reported. They started, they still catch him out in Queens every now and then. Do they really? Yeah. They got a guy like a couple of years ago, a guy living out in like fucking Ridgewood Queens.

Wow. Toothpuller or something. I've seen those, those documentaries on it. It's fascinating. Oh, and they get him in Argentina. There's that one about the guy, he had a nickname and it was a whole like I've mistaken. He was like, that's not me. It was like fucking Danny the Butcher.

That's right. That was the Cleveland guy, I think. Yeah, he was out in the Midwest. That was fantastic. It wasn't fluffy. No. But those, yeah, they went to Brazil and Argentina a lot. And that was, what's it called?

Eichmann was down there. They got Eichmann in Argentina. That was a fascinating story. Yeah. And it was all, you know, cause like if you watch these crime stories, like one of the things about if you commit a crime with a group of people is that somebody wants to brag, right? Like if you rob a place, remember like even in like good fellas, it's like start living

it up. They're like, don't spend the fucking money. Right? Like, stop being fleck. Get this fucking thing off you. See Kerbal's doing that speech. Yeah. Put that in me.

Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me.

Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. Put that in me. What's in my mother's name? What do you think I'm doing? It was a Christmas present. Oh my God.

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She's like that you're trying to get laid with that. She then is the one who is blew up the cover. Yeah. Yeah. Because he couldn't, he couldn't keep his man. He's trying to get laid. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. My dad killed six million people. Allegedly. Yeah. You just go to touchdown at the game, huh? Yeah. Yeah. Where do you hear this?

Holy fuck. It was a Nazi. What was your first car? Your personal one. Your personal. We know you're a big car guy. Uh, my dad. Okay.

Got me in 1996. Okay. My 1996 new, uh, base model Ford Mustang. Damn. I loved that car. Really? That was a very specific brand. Yeah.

That was a great year for them. Yeah. That was pretty cool. Now, right before I drove that for a few months, I drove my sister's Honda Accord. Nice. Um, but then he got. Hatchback? No.

I had a hatchback. Oh nice. You drive stick? I do now. I didn't then. Really? Yeah. I'm surprised.

The Mustang wasn't a stick? No. And it was, it was the beginning of like. That was the beginning of the end for the Mustangs. Well, not just that, but also like the, there was a, there had been a, like by the late 90s, real decline in the decline was beginning massively for manual production going around. So it was like, you know, like my, you know, it's like 3% of cars. They had.

Yeah. Yeah. And it goes down every year. Yeah. And so like, um, like it wasn't even like, it wasn't even an option. They were just like, no, everything's, you know, so yeah. My wife is German actually, uh, from Germany. So she did.

Really? Yes. She knows I have to do a deep dive on her family after this. Yes. Uh, no, she's actually Jewish. Um, we did, she knows how to drive stick and I feel like the biggest plus, because I can't drive. You got it.

He's driving around like fucking Jason Bourne and I'm, you got to do it once I learn. It's fucking awesome. It is such a thrill. I used to valet. So I could do it to like park cars, install a bunch of people's nice cars. Yeah. Of course. Get out there.

I remember no fucking, there's like almost no panic, like that panic of out, out, yeah. The world's coming down on you in that moment. And people are like, fucking go, freaking out clutch. Yeah. But once you get over that, it takes a little bit. It's so much fun. I just, yeah. My key is automatic.

So we're okay. Yeah. There you go. What, uh, what are you rolling around in now? I got a few rides now. It on me. Do we got all the time in the world, sir, what's the day to day? What are you zipping around from the house to the studio?

Uh, no, I have got drivers. No, no, I have a new, um, uh, Porsche GT three touring. That's the day to day. That's the, that's the, that's the knock around car. Yeah. That's pretty crazy. Is that, is that a lease? You got a lease?

No, I bought that. I got a three year lease. I got a 997 Gen one GT three RS. Okay. I don't even know what that is. Yeah. That's a Porsche. Okay.

Okay. I have a Cayenne turbo. That's a Porsche. Right. That's kind of the family. Yeah. Okay. I have a Panamera Turbo S. That's a Porsche.

Damn. Really? I have a. What's the garage situation? How many cars can you fit in there? Right. Six, I think. Now I keep them on the lawn, keeping it real.

I can fit five in there. Okay. Fit five. What's with the four? Where did the first thing come from? I mean, I get to obviously great cars, but, uh, yeah, of course, once you start, once you start driving them, it really is a game changer. Seinfeld's a big Porsche guy.

He's got a lot. He's talked to him about Porsches? No. Never met the man? I've never met Seinfeld. No. He definitely has. I think he leases them.

He has a wild collection. Yeah. Yeah. Don't go over 10,000 miles. I think he has like, like a hundred and something. Sure. Did you meet Leno? Do you ever do cars with Leno?

Yes. I did his show. Oh, the garage. That was awesome. He's a, he's a really fun guy to talk to about cars. He's got a crazy collection. I got a Range Rover. That's okay.

That's my next level up. I want to get a Range Rover. Then I have a couple of Resto mods being done right now. You know? I didn't. What? What's that? So, like, formers.

Get in the game, Fatty. Is that a missile? I have, like, a 68 Ford Bronco Resto mod being built. Awesome. My stepdad's redoing a Bronco right now as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We eat in the Porsche. Any of the cars?

In the, in the car, like, in the car car, like the GTs? Yeah. Not really, no. No. You're also probably not, like, hitting the drive-thru anymore, because you're running a tight ship now. Yeah. I mean, when's the last time you were out of drive-thru?

Um, that's a good question. Really? Yeah. It's been that long. Well, what's your poison if you do go? What is your burger king McDonald? Shit, you asked me. I tell you, Tuesday.

Easy. No, I fucking love, I love. I probably, it probably was, like, last year I probably hit at Chick-fil-A. I love Chick-fil-A. You know? With the Chick-fil-A sauce. Yeah, that sauce. And those waffle fries.

Those are shit, dude. They know what they're doing over there. Um, but I love, like, my favorite indulgence, which I haven't had in a while, is, uh, McDonald's fries. Those are the fucking piping hot McDonald's fries. Everything at McDonald's. Fresh out. Those are the shit.

I mean, I used to fucking just eat myself into, like, I think I would just scare my esophagus. Like, I would eat them handfuls hot, and like, and like, gasp for air, and then I'd be like, I wish we could get more. Like, yeah. Yeah, piping hot. That's what I'm talking about. By the way, McDonald's, I still remember this, if you get, because I would be obsessed

about that temperature, if you get to go to, like, any McDonald's, and you get fries, and these, they're, like, lukewarm, and you tell them they'll make new fries. Yeah. Well, he's big on the lightly salted, right? Is that what you do? Oh, that's what you like? Just so they do new ones. Yeah, no, when I, I have a trick at fast food places.

Breaks in after that. Deep fries. Give me the fucking. You always make, you call an audible, you make an adjustment to the thing, you take something off or add something to it. So they make it fresh. That way they're making it fresh. Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, in fact, I tip for you. Okay. Yeah. Nice. Will you put anything, do you have air fresheners in the cars? I don't.

I don't have any air fresheners. You don't do anything. I guess if you're not eating, you're not smoking. There's no real need to. Yeah, no, I have, I have a guy come to the house and detail the cars. Really? Yeah. God damn.

Yeah. There's no steering wheel cover in there. I would have. You have highlighters on any of them? There's no beads. There's truck nuts. There's truck nuts. Truck nuts on the Cayenne.

There's truck nuts. Is there really? Oh, fucking idiot. Oh my God. Now, I love, I love cars, dude. I could, I mean, I, I'm seriously contemplating, uh, getting a storage place to go. Oh, I also have a, the race car that Bird got me. Of course.

I know. We were kind of getting one to race against you guys. Yeah. Oh, really? Nice. Nice. You better get your fucking wife. Exactly.

Have you ever driven on the Autobahn? No. Never driven on the Autobahn. That's gotta be. It's a wild scene. That's gotta be. Just every now and then. I'm doing a European tour.

Go for it. Even if you're not, don't drive. I mean, I'm sure you, because you can just rent like a fucking whatever. Yeah. For like an hour. That'd be awesome. But like to watch them drive by you, it's wild. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's get into it. Have you guys ever thought about doing the Gumball rally? We've talked about doing a couple of things. There's some things in the works that we're talking about as far as, you know, like getting involved in. What? Can you like get into Le Mans or anything like that?

They're going to Mars. But we're going to, I think we're going to do something fun, like race wise, endurance wise. Okay. We're talking about cannonball run. Something like that. Yeah. We can get in on that.

Yeah. You could. Yeah. I'll be Dom Del Louise. We should do it and not tell him just show off. Just waiting at the fucking start line. We're here. Just in a regular car.

Yeah. What the fuck is this? We're in your mom's Jeep. You're worried about the miles. I can. I'm almost done with my miles. You got a fish tank at the house? No.

Okay. Did you have one growing up? There was certain houses where it wasn't like one of those elaborate ones. Okay. But there was definitely times where we're like, we're getting fish. There's a fish tank. Enjoy. Was it ever empty in the house?

Empty fish tank in the house. That's a real tough. That's a real tough. It's a bad smell. Yeah. It's a real. South Jersey. Welcome to the show.

I don't think so. I think it was pretty much. There was definitely times where you're like, have they eaten? Yeah. There's one like a little foggy eye. My mom, you know. I do so much. Any pets now for the kids?

Anything. Dude, you know what? Just this happened last week. It's funny that you're asking me. This happened last week. We rescued a dog. Robin. And we got him in 20, I think.

12? 12 or 13? I don't think this has ended well. Well, no, no. So then a few years later, around 2015, we got one from a breeder, a Brussels. Brussels Grafane. Nice. If you're as good as it gets that dog that like Jack Nicholson has, right?

Yeah. Ferdel. Yeah. Right. So anyway, the rescue died in 2019. The one that we got from the breeder. It's like, you know, it's part of the family. We've had it.

We've had it for the time we've had kids. Like she was. Your kids are how old? They're six and one, the youngest about to be four. So he's three turning. So they know. Well, yeah. So they, you know, she, we got her a few months before the six year old was born.

So the whole life that she's been there. Our young moved to Texas. Our youngest had been getting sick. Like his asthma started to go up and it started to like really be a thing. We're like, he's always sick now. We went to doctors and they sent, you know, specialists and they sent you to your nose and throat and then an allergist. Turns out they do a full blood panel.

He has one of the highest allergic reactions to dogs. Damn. To dogs. So we're like, fuck. I called my mom. I was like, she's like, send her here. Nice dog. He's coming.

She's now with my mom. Okay. That's not bad. You can get rid of it. That's good. Yeah. It's like, yeah, you don't leave me on a burger. Remember the Chick-fil-A story?

Go. Yeah. All right. Not bad. Anybody ever been on the local news for anything growing up? Are you on the local news growing up? I don't think so, man. Okay.

Yeah. That's classy. That's pretty classy. The local news? No. I wish I was though. Yeah. Like it's an accomplishment in his family.

Yeah. Yeah. I had a couple cousins that saw a house fire. They were on the news. That's the best. Swip Reagan. Oh, man. When they fill you in on the story.

Oh, yeah. Woo. I had a cousin when the Eagles were in the Super Bowl down in Florida, like, you know, Comcast Sportsnet or whatever, like the local Philly channel went down. Yeah. We were interviewing people. Local dirt ball. Yeah.

They cut to him. And he was boozing heavy at the time. Yeah. He was a huge black guy. And then they're like, they're like, hey, sir, what are you enjoying the festivities? He's like, yeah. They're like, what happened to your eyes? Like you should see her.

And then it was like, dude, then he was like, did you see me? I was on the news. Yeah. And it's like, yeah, we saw, we saw. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. What is like, there is such a special level of savage that comes from Philly. I know.

It's crazy. It's why. Why? Why is it? I don't know. It's like, I don't know. It's so hard. It ain't much better out there.

We're in it. So it's tough for us. Analyze why. If you get like, if somebody got arrested for beating up like a Dallas Cowboys fan at an Eagles game, like you'd get to be like, fucking here, fucking, you know, Joey, not a fence on plus. Yeah. It's like, it's a badge of honor.

Right. And I don't know why that is. But we're just in it. It's just normal. It's like this thing too. Like when you do stand up, you know, especially like you, you tour like, I've just toured for years and years. Yeah.

You just get like feels for like parts of the country and you're like, this is like this. And like when people are like, what's for them? Like, dude, it is fucking animals. Yeah. That's filled up areas. Yeah. Fucking savage.

Really still a city where it's like, you can still get caught. You know what I mean? Yeah. You can still like, it's like, check your fucking six. Yeah. Because some of them might be fucking coming again. And just the way someone fucking will talk to someone on the street, you're like, Jesus Christ.

Well, dude, it's like, there's this, but there's this weird thing of like, if you, if somebody, Wawa is like the perfect thing. It's like, if you hold the door for someone at Wawa and they don't say thank you, but it's like, you'll do the polite thing of like, I'll hold. There's a common courtesy of like, everybody respects everybody, but the second you break that line of respect, it's like, I've seen just fucking thank you. Yeah. Fucking welcome.

You get one of those. Yeah. If you don't say thank you, it's like, well, then you're squaring up in the fucking. I gotta tell you, I kind of like that. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I'll say this.

There's never been a city more comfortable with people walking around in broad daylight in pajama bottoms. Yeah. Yeah. Everybody's okay. Like house slippers and shit. Everybody's cool. LA, I remember this place, walk it into a place, hold the door for a woman who was like,

I can do that. Thank you. And I was like, the fuck? Get the fuck out of here. She would have knocked out. Yeah. She's like a bitch. Like flex on her.

Yeah. All right. I'm kidding. Toby cut that. Anyone in your family ever own a PT Cruiser? No. Okay. Anyone in your family ever claimed to have seen a UFO?

I don't, I mean. I don't think so. Okay. It's pretty good. Have you ever bought the floor model of a TV or an appliance? For sure. Like for sure that's happened. Okay.

For sure that's happened. Like you asked to knock out a couple of bucks. Oh yeah. Yeah. We'll take this one. Also with a South American. A lot of haggling. Like.

It's part of the culture. I mean, we're talking like, she's in Bloomingdale. She's like, do, can you do better? I'm like, this is not a flea market. She's like, and she'll be like, tell you. She'll tell you. Shut the fuck up. They're not going to change the price.

That's a fucking Ralph Laurence shirt. You just have to buy it. MSRP lady. Yeah. Try to trade her shirt in for the O. Yeah. I have to ask just because it's standard operating procedure. What's the credit score like?

I mean. Probably fine. Like, yeah. A thousand. You have blemishes at this point. It's stellar. I don't know what it is. It's got to be exemplary.

What kind of, what kind of. Again, no disrespect. No, I don't know. I don't know the score, but it's definitely admirable. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. What kind of steel are you walking around with?

Amix? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a couple. Is that the go to? I have one for touring. One for business, obviously.

Yeah. Actually I have three because I have one for personal purchases, one for related to podcast stuff. Of course. Yeah. I got a debit card. I have millions of points. Yeah.

Yeah. Millions. Millions. You know what we have? I just looked this morning. What? 149,000. Holy shit.

It's about $4. We get a race card. Maybe you could. You maybe could actually. Damn. That's jack shit when it comes to Amix points. I'm waiting for them to call me and be like, you have to use these. Yeah.

Oh, really? It's how trashy we are. I look to see the equivalent I could get in American Express gift cards. Nice. Christmas bonuses coming up. There we go. Hey. Everybody wins.

Do you have a capital one card? Do you want one? I get 500 bucks. I do. I get 500. I signed up a friend. No. No.

No. We just started making money about six months ago. Congratulations. It's awesome. It's a foot off the neck for sure. It is. And it should be celebrated. I have a real problem with people.

Well, that's what I've always respected about you. You don't, a lot of people hide that they fly private. You're like, I'm flying. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Buddy, we're blowing it as we make it. Dude, literally. We just lost $10,000 on a bet.

That was one of the bets. Once we hit a certain number on Patreon, we'll just go down and blow it down. You'll make it tomorrow. You'll make it tomorrow. You'll make it tomorrow. You're fine. He just made it during this fucking. You're fine.

It should be celebrated. You got to be smart with it, but you should have fun with it. And by the way, I could not do this. The tour that I'm on could not do it flying. Oh, no, of course. It would be impossible. Sure. Your tour is.

It's the stupidest of all time. Proper nuts. It's proper insane. I mean, I'm at over 200 shows right now on the tour and there's one year left on the tour. Can't do that. Waiting in a Delta lab. We would fucking, I think the whole tour crew would be dead and there's like fucking

six of them. They're like, right now they go like, we're all wiped and I'm like, yeah, they go, you really need to take a break. I'm like, yeah, no, I'm going to do press. Yeah, there you go. Kids are worker. We're boys with pot. We're good friends with Potter.

And we were talking. Oh, he's great. Yeah. He's great. And we were talking to him one time. He had just got back opening up from you. Speaking of classy gentlemen. Oh my God.

Classiest. He's the reason we asked the street name because he grew up on like, you know, Route 87 Boulevard. Like a proper turn point. He could see a toll booth out front of his house. He is one of my absolute favorites. Oh, dude. Yeah.

We were just with him. We were. We were asking him and he were like, oh, he's out with Tom. He's like, I'm just such an idiot. He's like, I don't understand levels of success to the point where he was like, oh, what time's your flight? And you're like, I'm leaving after the fucking show. He's like, it's an even comprehend.

He's like, I thought he was just going to go to the airport. He's the best. He's great. Did you collect anything growing up? Chinese stars, num chucks, anything like that? Beanie babies, commemorative place. I mean, first of all, I was taking Taekwondo and a strip mall, like a Tiger Shulmans. Yeah.

Yeah. And here's the thing. I was pretty highly ranked. Like we're like in retrospect, I'm like, they were just like, could you pay for another round? And they're like, here's another. Tiger Shulmans. Your dad must have been looking at you like, what the fuck?

I remember walking out of a classroom. Got to get him from his ballet. I was like eight or nine and like a 40 year old man was like, Jesus Christ, this kid could kill somebody. He's going to register his hands. Like, and I was just like, I mean, I was a fucking sweet, gentle kid. You got a slurpee in your hand. And then we started to get it because we're taking those classes.

Yeah, we're getting into like num chucks, Chinese stars pretending we're ninjas or shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm just talking about. Get myself black eyes. Yeah. You're short.

Yeah. That's fucking beautiful. When you first started making money, was there any like silly purchase? Yeah. You had dirt biking, girl. I didn't need the fucking. Jet ski. Yeah.

Well, I have two. You have two now. Yeah. Are they at the house? Yeah. We live on the lake. So yeah. Oh, really?

Like you can walk out your backyard and go to a lake. I have a boat and yeah. On the backyard. Damn. Yeah. Cigarette boat? No. Be cool.

Are you running low? What do you mean? Who the fuck has a cigarette boat in the lake? Yeah. That's how little you know about boats. Damn, dude. Really? Walk down on the lake.

You got a pool back there too? Hot tub? Yeah. What the fuck? Who's doing 200 cities of a goddamn hot tub? What kind of lawnmower do you have now? That's a John Deere. It's a push mower though.

I want to stay home. It's a plug-in. Takes me about three days to know it. That's the trashiest of lawnmowers. You have to plug in your lawnmower. Oh, the dumbest thing right away was a pen. A pen? Like, you know, I was like in a store.

Here's the thing. Do you ever feel guilty in store? I felt guilty. To buy something. I didn't use the bathroom, you know? And there was like a nice store. And then I was like, I'll buy something. And I bought a pen.

It was like $500. What? Yeah. And then I left and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? No. Turn it upside down. It's so stupid. It was one of those really nice.

I was like, I would definitely not be mentioning that I bought this. That was one of those things. You're like, keep this to your fucking cell. That was so dumb. Hey, we got an eight ball. I got a new pen. Yeah. Was it a cross pen?

Those were hot for a while. Those were hot. Yeah. Could never write with them. They'd slip out of your hand. Mont Blanc. And then, yeah. Then Cartier.

Yeah. Those are nice ones. Can you double joint it? No. I used to be able to take my index fingers and touch my wrist here for a long time. And then it finally, like, I could go, you know, like pretty far, but like, it used to be able to touch here. And that stopped at some point.

Can you glee? No. I wish. It happens only on access. Yeah. Yeah. I always tell you, we knew a kid that could do it and a continuous stream. That's amazing.

Oh, dude. I don't understand how it happened. It was wild. We were in a car and we saw him on his school bus. We stopped the school bus and made him get off and do it in front of us. Does it glee for you? Dude, it was fucking legendary. Stop the bus.

Yeah. We got a gleeker back there. Have you ever skied in jeans? Probably yeah. And that's one of those things is like, you know, those socio-economic bumps. Of course. Now you're skiing. Well, we're in like Minneapolis, so like, you can go, but we're not buying you all

new gear. Sure. Yeah. So yeah, for sure. Everything. When you're a kid in a city like that, you're just out in jeans every day in snow and like, it's the worst, right? It's just, there's so much snow.

It's cold as fuck. It sucks. And you're just, yeah, you're in wet denim all the time. Fucking sucks. Yikes. Yikes. Have you ever had one of those trick voicemails where you go, hello? What was that?

Hello. Got ya. No, I believe it or not, Tom is in at home. When you guys would go out to dinner as a family, as a kid, would you ever order the same thing? Like everyone gets the lemon chicken or the chicken farm. No, it wasn't like that. Okay. You know, it was the fucking worst.

My dad used to go like, he had like this like anxiety. Anxiety of like, let's get home. Like always. So my dad had to take it back to fucking base camp. I mean, always. And everybody get, get the whole fucking people. So you're at a social anxiety. Yes.

They didn't understand it. They didn't understand it. So like, we're all having dinner, right? And it's like, it would be like if you guys. So is that guy, why is he looking at me? You're still eating, like you're eating and he would take his bite and he would go, ready to go. And we're like, we're all eating right now, man.

And he was like, oh, okay. And then he would just be like. And you're like, um, and then you get a sank or something. You finish your last bite. Like you're ready now. And you're like, can we just fucking let me chill for a minute. Relax. Go start the car.

No, no. Always gotta go. Yeah. Never. Will you take leftover leftovers home now? Like if you go out to a restaurant, if you're not on tour, it's you and your wife, the family go out. Very rarely, dude.

I don't really, I don't like to. I mean, it's more like, I don't know. I just feel like whatever you ate is what you ate. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. It's like, I'm taking this, these last four bites of lemon chicken home. Yeah. Right.

Right. Yeah. All right. If we're doing the restaurant, let's get into it. Let's get into it. Okay. Um, I go, I go large. I know.

Yeah. Well, you order, first of all, when is the situation where you're not paying where it's not your show? It's rare, I would assume. Agents probably taking it out. They'll pick it up. Rogan. After a show in the city.

What if it's you and Rogan out to dinner? Are you fighting over the check? I try. Are you splitting it? No. I try. I kick you out of this room. I've tried.

I've tried to, and I've have given the card. If I know I'm having dinner with Joe or. Ahead of time. I'll ask you here. Put it on that. That's the client. Make sure you put it on. Yes.

I did that this weekend down the shore. It's a nice move. Got the clutch. Yeah. So you don't have to get to that. Kind of go to my mom. Yeah. I like, I like, you know, if you can afford to do it, it's nice to be able to treat people

to. Yeah. Also so you don't have that weird, let me get it. Yeah. And he's always paid for a fucking everything for years. Of course. Of course. Yeah.

Yeah. He does okay. Yeah. He does all right. That's good. Order appetizers for the table for everybody. You like to do the share. I do that a lot.

I do that a lot. Nice. I just, we get to, you know, we're on the road. Nice restaurant. You and the crew goes out. We sit down. I'll be like, Hey, can you bring out like three of these? Man, man, man, man.

Yeah. Do you do that? Like, Hey, get these. We're still, we're still figuring it out. Let's start dropping the fucking asparagus. Put some fucking food out here. Give me everything. I went, there was this, this French guy.

Fuck. What is his name? He owns a tray. Fuck. He's a, I might follow him on Instagram and he would do these pop ups that were just fucking unbelievable. Okay. In Austin.

No, in LA. And I'm trying to remember his name. Trey Griffith. No, no, no. I was saying Trey like French. Oh, look, okay. His name is Ludo. Ludo Lefebret.

I don't know. Oh, that was pretty good. I wasn't that bad. So he owns a Petit Trois and Ludo Alamoson. And so I think he has a. And he is dual lingual. That's pretty good though. I think he has a, he might have a Michelin star.

Anyway, he would do these pop ups in LA for a while, meaning like, you know, just take over a space for it. And the first time I went, I had a few things and I was like, Holy shit, this is so like so incredible. Like, you know, like. Of course. So the next time he had a pop up and I got a table, I looked at the menu. I was like, yes.

And they're like, yes. I go, yes. Everything. Bring everything. Run me through the fucking. Make me sick. Yeah. Yeah, that was the shit.

We're just starting to eat a place is where we're like, oh, that's, I, we took, there's this place where we had. There was like the best burger in the city. We all took a bite and I was like, I didn't know rich people have been eating different this whole time. There's a difference. They really, it's, there's really a difference. Here's the, let me tell you the best thing about money.

The best thing about money. I'm listening. It is not toys. It's options. Options to do things that other people can do and to make life easier. Easier. That's all I hear. In other words, a simple version of it would be like, hey, bacon on your burger, bacon

on your burger, or like to park here's 20 bucks. When you're struggling, you're like, I'm not going to waste 20 dollars, I'll drive over there. Yeah. 20 bucks apart. The more and more things come like that, that have an option for you. Yeah. Right?

I use it to like remove anxiety, remove thought, remove like, yeah, I can just put the car here and not have to worry about it. We're kind of doing that now, but we really can't afford it. Well, look, this Patreon is fucking blowing up. You heard it here. W, W, W. Oh, yeah. That's Patreon.

Yeah. Billion hours of content, I heard. But food is like the one of the greatest luxuries. Oh, it's fantastic. Being able to eat at a great place. What would be the most, if it sticks out, that you ever spent on a meal? I don't know if you want me to tell you. Oh, yeah, we do.

You want to write it down like a rich guy? Sure. Yes. I'm going to read it all out. It wasn't long ago. There you go. This was a, this is a first. Finally.

It's a pretty elaborate dinner I had. Okay. Don't have a credit card number down there, too. Maybe a Finske if you got it on you. Also, how much cash do you have on you right now? I don't know. Okay. I'm going to count.

What the fuck? Let me say it. Yeah. Give me. How many people were there? It's just you. It was ladies and gentlemen. It was a group.

It was a group of us. But I mean. What city? Chicago. Can I say what the number is? I mean, do you think we should? Yeah. What are you talking about?

Honestly, this is what people tune in for. All right. Sure. Yeah. It was my birthday. That's more than I made last year. On the books. No.

Yeah. That's your birthday. Of course. Blow it the fuck out. Is that with tip? That was with tip. All right. With tip.

Yeah. What's 5% of 52,000? I think it was wine and tax. It's really only 38,000. Holy shit. Why were in this world 52 Geons? What is the most you've ever given as a wedding gift? And then also I want to hear if you were coming to like just our wedding.

You know what I mean? Obviously the gift would probably have been like. Which you're invited. Yeah, you are. 52,000 times, my friend. Either way, send the gift. Like it might have been like a niece or a nephew or something. When Burt was on Burt's set, he's like, I try to take care of their honeymoon.

Oh, that's a fucking move. That's a gangster move. Bim said he had given Ben $50,000. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Who's got the fucking Bentley? I know. What are you doing? 200 in a card? What's going on? It better be up. What are you doing? Hey, thanks for the George's Forming Grill.

I don't know if you have a niece or a nephew, like nieces or nephews. Well, the thing is I haven't been like. To like somebody that close. Yeah. And I haven't had like the weddings like they happen in your life for like a few years. And then they're like, I haven't been invited to a wedding in. That's probably pretty true. Yeah.

Do you have anybody hitting me up for a kiss? I have had that happen. Really? Yes. A large amount? More than dinner? No. No.

I've had people like, you know, investment opportunities. Like they're like, hey, you want to just get in on a sports drink? A lot of sports drinks. And I'm like, no. Those are hot right now. And you know, the funny thing is, is that you could tell they're doing sales lines. They're like, you know, sports drinks are one of the most popular. And you're like, I know you.

Why are you talking to me? I'm reading Wikipedia right now. It's actually a $1.7 billion. Mom, what I tell you, stop with this. He got the dog in the car. Yeah. Jesus Christ. I had a guy one time.

This is terrible. This dude, I know for a long time because I'm in a jam for rent and this is like the 29th. He's like, if I don't have rent, how long ago was this? This was like five years ago. So you're cooking. I'm doing. I'm doing well.

Rent. You must be like, what the fuck's rent? You know, I got a lake house, motherfucker. He goes, I got. I'll send you a jet ski. Rent's due. And if I could, you know, if you could help me out, otherwise I'm going to be out. And I was like, Jesus Christ.

All right. I go, well, I'm like traveling. I was like international. I was like, dude, I'm not going to get back. And he was like, it was Potter. And I remember being like, fuck, you know, I don't have a checkbook with me. I'd have to like call a business manager. And it was a whole thing.

Right. And then it was like, they would think that shady. You're for sure. You're in Europe somewhere. It was like a Saturday. So I was like, they're not even like in the office. Man, this is somebody who's not, I'm not regularly in communication. This guy is not reached out for the favor.

You don't know how to be a scumbag if you're making moves like that, you know, where you are, it's fucking make sure it's banking hours. Yeah, exactly. All that stuff. So here's the thing. And he's telling me I'm going to get like kicked out. I'm like, fucking. I'm like, well, it's Saturday.

I don't, you know, I don't know what to do. I also have like work. I go, I have shows. Yeah. And I do my shows and then I fly back. He's like, hey, man, is there any way you can send me that? I'm like, it's the third now. Yeah.

So you're not. He's like, yeah, they they told me if if I get it to him, I can still stay. And he's waiting on it. Yeah. So I was like, OK, I go, OK, I go, you know, I mean, like, what am I going? I go, I go just send to him, send him. Send the thing and then my rent's 30 grand a month. I'm in a penthouse.

Yeah, it was like that's like when I forget who it was. It was like on that documentary broker or whatever or something. It was like, nobody needs $10,000. It was like it was like people the second like athletes get their checks or whatever. It's like, no one needs $10,000. They've made it this far without it. Like it's not going to change their life. They're just going to blow it.

You don't have to pay for things for people, you know, with your money. Yeah, that's like they were like auditing people to the guys. Like, yeah, I pay for 348 cell phones right now. You're like, what the fuck? It's just like fucking 20 grand a month and a T-Mobile fucking plans. Hear that, Patty, you're cut off as of right now. You eat your pizza crust? Yeah. OK. Yeah.

You own a tux? No. You don't know how many you own suits, though, right? I have a bunch of suits. Bunch of suits, name brand or their fucking designers. Cook it. Yeah. Yeah. They are no shit. Not today's man or anything like that. Now they're like, yeah.

I don't even know what that is when he just said he's dropped a couple of things. I'm like, oh, yeah, right. Is that a kind of oyster? They have that immense warehouse. What are you doing here? They're fucking are the jet skis in the water, like right there. Like if you if you landed at your house right now, we walk straight to your backyard, I get on a jet.

You got a helipad. I'm cruising. Do you? No. But I would you have a submarine like to fucking get one. Really? No. So the jet skis are on lifts. Submarine. Right. So you press it out of the water. Yeah. And they go drop down.

So you have a little like a little slip dock. Boat house, whatever. Yeah, yeah. What kind of boat is it? Pantune, what do you got? It's a nautique. Yeah. See, I don't know what is that? So it's pretty dope. It's nice. It's nice. Yeah.

Outboard. Inboard. What are we doing here? Center console. Inboard. No, whatever. Right side. Right side. Yeah. Who's driving at you? Yeah, captain. No, no, no, no, no, no. Do you have the same pilot that flies the private jet? Who's ever there? Okay. Yeah.

It's still pretty good, though. It's pretty great. How do you feel about banana pudding? I like how you're like still pretty good. I mean, I'll fuck with banana pudding. Was there a dish? Yo, this boat is sick. Well, this is like if Guy Fieri was a boat.

It's got a smoker on it. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty cool. God damn it, man. We only have time for a couple of more here, too. Okay. But what was the last question? I was going to say, was there a family dish that was that was revered in the family?

Your aunt's something. I always liked certain, like, you know, you get used to everyone's has like a fucking distorted sense of their mother's cooking. Yeah, you got to try my mom's meatloaf. You're like, I'm good. Yeah, cardboard. Yeah, I, you know, I like she make this Peruvian dish

called Lomo Saltado, which is like a beef dish. Okay. Potatoes and rice and onions and corn. It's very, very, like, kind of renowned in cuisine. So her version of that was like one of my favorite things. Solid, yeah. Right. Yeah. All right, real quick, sleeping. King-sized bed, I assume. Yeah. How many pillows are on the bed?

A lot. How many pillows do you sleep with? I like to use one, like, kind of structured, like a thicker one. Okay. And then a softy underneath it. Right? Okay, sure. And then I put a wrap around my eyes. Nice. Really?

And I put a sleep guard in my mouth. I can't do it. And then I started doing this thing where I tape my mouth. I just got the tape. My wife just bought me the tape. It's pretty cool. It works. It is. It's great. I just came yesterday.

It forces your nose more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can still breathe through it in your mouth. You can, and you'll feel more rested. You do feel more rested. This has been a hot guy corner. No, no. Ladies, you're looching it up.

No sleep apnea machine. No sleep apnea machine. All right. That's pretty good. Pillow between your legs? No, if I, here's the thing. If I remember when, like, you know, if I'm kind of like, whatever, I don't know if it's kind of getting into the morning

and I want to sleep on my side and I grab one. I'll do it, but it's not fixed where it's every time. But I, I do like when I remember to, because you just align your hips more. It's great. His and her sinks in the bathroom? Yes. What's the shower like?

Probably pretty banging. It's a, I mean, it's not like super. Do you have a stand up shower and a tub separate? Yes. And there's a steam in the, there's steam in the shower too. Do you do it? Yeah, I love the steam. The steam is great.

Yeah. Do you pee in the shower? Fuck yeah. I don't understand. Yeah, you got it. Like what are people doing? Do you brush your teeth in there? No.

Really? No, I don't. I brush my teeth. Kind of toothpaste do you use? I fuck around with them. I have the, I mean, I'll, I'll do crest. I'll do the really the baking baking soda. Arm and hammer.

Arm and hammer one. I like that one. Once you do that, it's tough to go back to the other stuff. That's kind of my primary. Yeah. What about the soap? Are you a bar guy or a body, body wash? I prefer body wash, but we have, you know, soap bars.

Do you have luffas in there? What are you scrubbing yourself with? There have been, they, I feel like they just, they're all of a sudden, they're gone. They're always gone. Yeah, they are. You use them and then they're defuncted. You get a little funky and then you get somebody tosses them.

But I like the gel. How do you dry yourself off when you get out? Do you do like all, do you wait, do you walk out and then dry yourself off or do you do it in the shower? I don't do it in the shower. Do you have somebody that does it for you? I usually do, yes. Like Prince Ikeen.

Yeah, I, no, you know, the towel is usually right on the hook outside. Okay. I get out. Yeah, I kind of do like, you know, go down. Legs are all, and I'm hairy dude. So like I got a towel off pretty aggressively. And then I walk around with it.

Get a different radio in the shower or anything like that. I have a little, we'll have a Bluetooth speaker in the shower. Smart. Okay. And I also have like the Sonos system built in to the bathroom. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Did you build this house or did you move into it?

No, but it was, it was a newly built house. So I bought it before it was done. Yeah, gotcha. Brought the jet skis with you, I bet. What's up? Bert got me the first one. Bert bought him the one. Really?

He bought me one, yeah. Damn, that's fucking. You got any heated floors in there? No, that's such a dope move dude. No, it's a real power flex dude. The heated driveway if you're in like Montana. He doesn't need it. You don't need it down there, but yeah, no shoveling.

No, that was hot as fuck there. Keep the butter on the counter at the house so you put it in the fridge. I'll put it in the fridge. Okay. But there's always a covered tray on the counter because something like, yeah. Yeah, got to.

Yeah. Who goes to the, who's going to the grocery store? You got people to do that or are you going to the grocery store? I don't go to the grocery store. Fuck yeah. Ever been in a tornado? There's been tornadoes. I've lived places where there was a tornado.

I've never actually been in one. No, no, but multiple hurricanes. Really? Yeah, for it. Yeah, I got it. Had to evacuate like several times. Do you sleep with your socks on? No.

What are you sleeping? Just boxers. No t-shirt. No. And you're a boxer, man. Yeah, boxer briefs. Yeah, boxer briefs. Got to, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You wear shoes in the house? I mean, yes, I like, I prefer when I remember to take them off. OK. I don't like tracking shit everywhere. Of course. But I definitely walk in sometimes. I mean, you know. If you have guests come over for dinner,

are you going to make them take their shoes off? No. No, I don't. I don't do that. Would you enjoy doing that at someone's house? Like if you went over to fucking whoever's house, I'd like take your shoes off. I don't really like that.

Yeah, it sucks, right? Yeah, I think that's kind of. Like what are we, fucking 11? Yeah, like, let me. We're adults. I mean, I have Asian friends and you know, you do what they say. But yeah, I prefer to just keep.

Keep them on. Yeah. Do you wipe back to front or front to back? Front to back. Do you have a bed? Front to back. You go inside? No, no, start like up, right?

OK, yeah. So front to back, front to back. OK, yeah, gotcha. I have the built in the primary. Like my master toilet has the built in washlet. So you just press the button and it like stream. Clean job. That is such a game changer.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. And you feel like a monster when you're not home. You're doing raw poop somewhere. Yeah, it's bad. Wiping with a sock. That's kind of why I don't want to do it, because it's like that you're, you know,

they're not all home games. That feeling, that cleanliness of like the warm stream cleaning you up there is nice. It feels amazing, yeah. Also, somebody said you have a coffee machine in your bathroom. Is that true? That we were somebody just. Like a Mr. Coffee or like an espresso machine?

No, like a whole Dunkin' Donuts. That what happened was when I was we looked at houses like this a while ago, one of the houses we took a tour. They're like, oh, and in the master bedroom, they're like open some cabinet and this thing slid out. And they're like, it's a coffee machine here. And my wife was like, yeah, why don't we put a coffee machine? Like why have to go downstairs?

So there's like this little area in our bedroom that has, you know, I don't know. It's just like a like a little corner. No, yeah. And she just put a like an espresso, you know, like a capsule coffee. That's pretty clear. You're going to wake up and you just make a coffee.

You got TV in the bedroom? Yeah. You sleep with the TV on? No, I can't. Really? I do that thing where I if I close my eyes and the TV's on, I'll be list. I can't shut off the listening.

Yeah, of course. Helmins or Miracle Whip mayonnaise wise? I think I'll go Miracle Whip kind of trashy, right? Are you fucking kidding me? Whoa! You made it like almost an hour. You were scot-free. I know.

I think so. Holy shit. I mean, but here's the thing. I'm not going to, you know, it's not going to, neither one's going to like make me not. I love mayo. Sure. Like people.

You make a sandwich at the house. You have Miracle Whip in the house. Miracle Whip. I have to fucking, you got to check. You don't even know. Well, yeah, I could probably, someone's making it for me, you know? Really?

Yeah. You have a chef? No. You have somebody that makes lunch and stuff like that? Sometimes. The fucking boss, ladies and gentlemen. I know. Listen, the Miracle Whip, aside.

Pretty flawless, otherwise. Dude, you're fucking all-class, bro. Oh, thanks, man. You're the fucking boss. Thanks, dude. Look at this. It is shockingly rare that people come out as scot-free as you have done.

Really? Dude. It's like you and Chad's momentary. Really? Yeah. So you've always, you can tell, you've always held yourself to a higher regard, even before. I can't even hold the jet skis against you,

because they're fucking in the water. You're living on a lake. I thought they would be like on the side of the house on a trailer or something. Telling them behind the porch? Yeah. Damn. Wow.

He's trying to fucking. I'm honored, man. That's a good score. That was awesome. Pretty flawless. Pretty good. Chad's did this? Yeah.

No shit. And he was all fucking. Dude, he had a guy with nickel on him right outside the door. An ex cop. Freddie No-Nose downstairs watching the car. Yeah. No, what was he? He had a fucking wild.

He had a name that you would expect. Chad's momentary is bodyguard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was something like. Stevie No-Nose. Bobby Angels or something like that. Oh, yeah. Gang.

Brand new book out right now. Check it the fuck out. I'd like to play alone, please. Mr. Tom Segura. Yes. Thank you guys. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? No.

I mean, I'm on a crazy tour. If you want to come see me on tour, tomsegura.com slash tour for tickets. That's it. Takey's. Fucking unbelievable. A lot of those shows were sold out. I was perusing the website.

This guy was fucking early promo codes. Really get it done. No paper and going on there, huh? Not a lot of morning radio in your future. I could pay you that right now. The kids doing all right. Kippy, what do you got for him? Guys, we're all over the road as well.

Check us out. The link's in the description. Check out the Patreon, the whole nine yards. We fucking appreciate it. Love yous. Tom, we love you. Thank you so much. Thanks for coming and sitting down with us.

Absolutely. Gang, we love you and we'll see you next week. Peace.