Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tom Segura: The Early Years

Episode Date: March 19, 2026

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedian and podcast host Tom Segura! This episode we are going back in time to find out about Tom's early trashy habits. You know Tom Segura from Stand Up Comedy, 2 Bears 1 Cave, Your Mom's House, The Joe Rogan Experience, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast, Kill Tony, This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von, Whiskey Ginger, Flagrant, and so much more! Thanks for watching AYG Comedy Podcast. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW AYG MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ AYG 2026 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows Watch Route 66: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSkJS1gCDR4 Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/pages/live-shows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Sponsored By: HexClad: Find your forever cookware @hexclad and get 10% off at https://hexclad.com/GARBAGE Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/li0uni5h Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. See terms and conditions at https://cash.app/legal/us/en-us/card-agreement. Cash App Green, overdraft coverage, borrow, cash back offers and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit http://cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that that up to be classy. Yeah. They're just a big old piece of trash. Tommy Buns.

I'm your host, Davey's fully coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here in Austin, Texas at Todi Ranch, soon to be the premier producer of Longhorn Beef. My co-coons is coming out of even right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage, International businessman. My best pal in the whole wide world. for KJ, Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang, shout out to you.

Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure your rate review, subscribe on iTunes, full video available on YouTube. Full video available over there on Spotify, baby. Clim on a charge. Shout out to the creator program. And we're trying the fucking charts, mate. We're not the top of the charts.

Doesn't matter. Middle of the charts, you know what I mean? Who wants to be in the top of the pack? Not us. We're a couple of middle of the road kind of guys. Then obviously patreon.com. So I show you garbage. You go over there and get all that bonus content, gang.

That's right. And gang, we couldn't be more excited ever, incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests, back with us again today. You know them, you love them. Mr. Tom Segura. Thank you. Tommy Bunn. Thank you.

Entrepreneur, actor, producer, podcaster. This has real dateline vibes. It does. It does. Tom, what are you doing here? Where I buried the kids. There's no way I'm making it with this fireplace either. I'm already schfitz it.

I love the ranch, by the way. Thank you. Yeah. I totally bought it when you were like, I just bought the place. I was like, oh, shit. Which in my head, I was like, damn, I'm not doing as bad as everybody. thinks. I don't know.

I got to push back on that. You really thought I could have swung this? Me personally could have swung this? I didn't doubt it when you said it. Man. Yeah. All right. Well, it's not like there's a hell of that.

Luser. Yeah. What he's a nice? It's all brick. Stone, whatever it is. It's nice. It's really nice. Nice joint.

Yeah. What did you think? Get the hell out of my house. It was, it's a nice property. It's an Airbnb. We spent more money on it than we made this week. Sure. That's how you got to operate.

So perfect. Well, I, I called because when I got the address, I pulled up and I called my guy. And I was like, hey, man, this is a house. I thought it was like a studio somewhere. And he was like, I don't know. I was like, it's a house. I don't think this is right.

It's like a big fucking ranch house. He was like, let me check. And then the gate open. I was like, oh, it's the right place. Couple cartel guys out front. Yeah. He was all deep, baby. Some Sicario shit.

Yeah. But we were all looking at the window. We were like, I wonder what is going to pull up in? And then like he's here. We're all like peering out the window. Like, do we do not belong here. I wanted to go through the garage and play a casual. You guys have me go to the front door.

It was a nice welcome. Front door is a nice welcome. Yeah, you don't want you. I mean, that's a classy. That's a classy welcome. Yeah, we're gonna, dude, we had there's, first of all, there's about 10,000 empty beer cans in the garage. We didn't want to.

Rich guys, everybody comes through the garage. Nobody goes to the front door your house today. Somebody comes over there coming to the garage. No. They come in the front door. Okay. That's why I don't know. I love what you.

I love, I love, I love what your understanding. of what rich people you think rich people do everybody comes into the window the last one thing i want to ask you about now because we're going to go back a little bit to get to your trashiest era yeah um like the bakery you got the bakery going now yeah here's that let's hit that so okay right now we have our pop-up is at the fairgrounds downtown okay and then today we opened a remote no shit like also downtown and then the grand opening of our big place oh is may first it's on southamar Huh.

How involved in that are you? I mean, I have says and like, and you're showing up to meetings. I go up, yeah, I go there. My question is, when you show up to these meetings, you always have the glasses on, right? To look smart and sharp. Probably, yeah.

I wear those almost. Looking over blueprints. What is this? Yeah, very nice. Now, if I were to go in there and maybe drop your name, would I be like, what I get in? There's nobody that connection close, right? If I'm like, I know, you know, is Tom here?

You know what I mean? Like, is Tom in the back? I mean, they would tell you for sure. I mean, I go there. So, yeah, they would be like, yeah, he's here or no, he's not. I'm going to try this afternoon. These are like off the boat Italians, though. Like, these are the real deal.

They don't like you? I don't do well with Italians. Are you, are you boss? Like, would you like correct an employer and anything like that? Like, hey, wash your hands. What are you guys doing? You're not doing that shit, right? No.

Nice. Because they, I, they manage, like, it's, I'm their partner. He's not the fucking shift, man. You guys clean the bathrooms. If I saw something bad, though, what I would do is just tell the guy, I'd be like, you know, this guy's a fucking... If you walked into the locker and I was smoking a bowl in there, would you wrap it out? You know.

Dick, he's doing whippets. No. No, it's so good, though. I have to, I almost have to stay away. Sure. It's fucking... This guy is making pastry crack, you know. It's so delicious.

You have to go. Let's just recap. You got the bakery. You just finished season two of bad thoughts. Yeah. Right? You're shooting the movie. I shot one over the summer.

Movie shot. L.T. Gray. Right. Yep. So pretty fantastic. That was great. That was so much fun. Everything's good.

It's good. Yeah. You just got a new place. You got a hot new car outside. You got the family. You got the pods. You got everything going on. It's good right now.

Everything's good. Yeah. The best form of Tom Seguer that you've ever been. It's probably right now. It's probably right now. Yeah. That is not always been the case. No.

Has it? No. I sent you a picture of yourself a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you were like, how big were you at your biggest? Oh, that's right. You were like, that was from the podcast. I was like, this is a wild picture.

It's a wild. You're like, what's up with the fit? And then as soon as you said that, it clicked. And I was like, oh, that's a shirt from Hong Kong that was custom made for me because I couldn't buy shirts and stores. Dude, you look, dude, you look like. Why Hong Kong? You look like an enforcer for the Ukrainian mob. It's like a wild choice.

because okay i'll tell you why so i shot i shot my first special in 2013 it came out in 2014 this is a netflix special netflix special this was the one that so it's not a you know they do license they do originals right so this was a licensed special all right do you remember the first weekend you sold out i remember here's what i remember i remember that the special came out in march of 2014 i remember that in june or july i played the cleveland improv And the guy was a real ball buster there, Lee. And he goes, he goes, I don't know what's going on, but you hit some bonuses and I don't know why.

Thanks, Lee. I go, what? He goes, I don't know. This doesn't make any sense. But you hit bonuses. I'm not a fan. I think it's a bit pedestrian. People are coming.

For people that don't know, what happens is like when you're selling tickets in clubs, you have like a flat, this is when you're starting out. Sure. You have a flat rate. and that's like no matter what. Then you move into the next tier, which is you have your rate, plus if a certain amount of people come to shows,

you get bonuses. So it might be like $500 a show, $300 a show, it's just different rates that will bump up your pay. And you're always like gauging those, right? You're always like, how close? Am I close? And they're like, no. So these are all papered tickets.

Yeah, they're like, this is free. So that weekend though, he had told me he was like, you hit some. and bonuses. I don't understand. And I wasn't even like, oh, it's the special. Because the special comes out, special comes out, you're seeing at the time Twitter, and you're just like, yeah, some people are like, hey, I saw your special. And then nothing, like, literally, that's the only metric to really at that time. Then a month later, you're like, did my life change? No. Like, everything is the same. And then you're just like, back to it. Back to the Cleveland Impro. So that's what I was doing.

And it was like, he was like, you hit bonuses. And then I remember that I did San Francisco, I did Cobbs. Great club. At the, like towards the end of the year. And I had, I was working contracts that were signed, but way earlier.

Sure. So you got shit deals. It was like shit deals, but I walked away from that club with like, I think the guarantee was like two or 1800 and I left with like 9,000. And I was like, that's okay.

You could have told me it was 200. I was just like, what? And at that point, it was clear that I was selling tickets. And then in 2015, oh wait, so in 14, the special had been out a little while.

I think we're in like September, October. I'm starting to like clearly sell tickets. Right. And I do a tour of Asia with, with Pete Lee. Oh, the documentaries. And there's a documentary. Okay.

I need you to kill. Yeah, yeah. It's on, I think it's on prime. While we're there. You did the richest shit I've ever seen in that. He couldn't remember his bits So he bought an old album And I'm like, oh yeah

What the fuck? I couldn't just spend 14 bucks They're your own shit This guy's got some cash on That's happened to me multiple times Where I got hired to do a private And I made the mistake This is a mistake just so you know

If you're ever doing a private And you know No one's hiring us to do private games Well if you do a private They'll sometimes you'll meet people That are like I'm over in a video Like the buyers

ahead of time And I think a nervous thing to do is be like, hey, you know, like, this is what I had done. I was like, hey, you know, I'm on, I'm on a tour. I'm just doing. I'm doing the act. I'm doing the act that I'm doing on tour. And I've said that to people at privates before the show. And they're like, no, no, no.

I want you to do like this, this and this. Like they'll name the stuff you've seen, the stuff they've seen that they like of you. And then I'm like, like, eight years ago or something. And I've had to go and download an album and listen to it. and then fuck it all up. Like, I get it all wrong. But anyway, when I was in Hong Kong, I got...

You guys got suits made. We got suits made, but I also had, like, the guy took measurements and did shirts. And I just kept ballooning. I just kept getting fatter. You were a big boy. Oh, and that's not even the worst of it.

What was your fattest? The fattest is going to be, like, the end of 2015, beginning of 16. Because that's new, that's new money. That's, that's, that's, a lot of dinners and rich guy dinners and it's also it's a emotional like what's going on how do

I do this how do I maintain this or so I think the most ever got to was 265 that's what you see in that yeah is that's a cute kid yeah yeah I mean what you're seeing there though that now yeah that's 265 boy yeah um all right that's good so that's kind of the coming out of all that yeah let's go back Okay, go back. And some of this you might have talked about, but we're going to do in kind of a linear, linear way, which is interesting.

Where are you living in L.A.? All right. So I get to L.A., January 2002, and I have no idea how L.A. operates. I also am not coming to do stand-up. I'm coming to do, like, comedy acting. That's what I think my path is. Comedy acting.

You know what I mean? Like, acting, but like, I'm like, oh, I'll do like comedic. Comedic acting. Yeah, that's what I think I'll do. So I have a drink. Wait, you know what you're talking about. Well, I mean,

you're explaining comedy acting by like, I'm going to do acting but comedy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, if you go,

I'm going to be an actor, people think you're like drama. Sure. I'm like, I'm not like, I'm going to be fucking Christian Bale. I'm just like, oh,

I'll do what these guys I see do. I can be fun. I can be funny. Yeah, yeah. A comedic actor. There it is. So I go,

oh, you have to have some type of idea of how to do this. I go, what I'll do is, I know that SNL pulls people from the groundlings. Sure.

So I'll sign up for the groundlings. I'll take their classes. I'll get into the performing groundlings thing. SNL will come see me. I'll do SNL. And then I'll do like great plan. Obviously. It's a clear plan.

Sure. And I go. That's how my mom thinks show business works, by the way. Of course. That's how everybody. How don't you call SNL? Look, you got good skits. My mom, you're like, why don't you call Leno?

Yeah. For what? Have you ever met Leno? Yes. Yeah. Shout out the Leno. Leno's, Lenno's a car guy.

Car guy. And like, also like, the easiest. guy to talk to like really laid back super cool guy so so where you live and where do you move into i'm trying all right so the first place i live care about your groundling stories this is uh you want the dirt this place is on mansfield okay in hollywood between fountain and santa monica it is a track for trans prostitutes nice and it's also location location go to get heroin it's a big heroin thing so you would always see trans prostitutes walking by off of the balcony and then you would see people scoring heroin all the time there.

Cool. And I was like, this is cool, man. I live in Hollywood. This is a great. This is a story. These are my L.A. years. It's where comedy's made. Comedy acting.

Comedy acting. So I go to the groundlings. I sign up. I, um, you have to do, you do like an audition class. Okay. Yeah. And they're like, you can skip the first. Obviously.

I was like, yeah. No shit. So get Lauren on. Let's go. I got shit to do. I need a Ferrari. I go. I want to start with the black belt class.

Yeah. I mean, I really feel like I'm like, I definitely got this right. And then you go into like, you need to think that to understand. You have to think that. Before you get checked,

you got to go, I literally get, I went, if I'm the, I did comedy for the first time and I went, if I'm not famous in a year, I'm giving it up. Like,

you just don't know how it would work. Some dudes hit that. I gave myself a year and whatever. What? It's really crazy. Yeah. I gave myself 15 years and then finally work. So then they put.

you in like tier like like like you skip like the bait like if you see people you're going to like the 201 or yeah yeah you're like this dip shit is don't tell me I'm like him right so you I'm putting this guy you jump them you're like yeah these guys are they don't have it and then you go into like 201 I do that then you go to the next level at that level is where I meet some other people that are taking the class that are stand up comics gotcha and they are they tell me in class one day separately they're like you should try stand up i was like what i'll kill that too they go no i don't i was like what and they go you'd like that i can just tell i think you would like that and i go i have no idea what to do uh-huh so they go just come with me and i'll show you like how i do spots so i went

with two separate people i went with nick waganer and i went with sam trippily cool trippily was in my class and he took me around i watched them do spots and i was like i don't i don't even understand the concept of how this works So he's showing me. He's doing these spots around town. Nick takes me one day into this place called the Cat Club on Sunset. And there's a, it's not a bringer show. It's a book show.

Okay. But it's like, you know, it's not high level. It's not like established comedians. It's like people all trying to like kind of get in, you know. So he walks me up to this lady, Kathy. And he goes, he goes, this is my friend Tom. He's a comic. And I'm like, yeah.

She goes, okay. And she's like looking at something. She goes, we have a, like, you want to do the show like April 9th or whatever? And I was like, yeah. Yeah, of course. Sounds good. And she's like, all right, cool, you're booked. And I was like, great.

And I walk out of there. And shit's fucking easy, dude. Fuck. And then I leave there. And I'm like, I don't know what I'm going to do. How far away was this? Three weeks? It was like a few weeks away.

And I go. Not joke one. You got nothing. Well, I'm like, I have to like start writing things down. So I go to the improv. I see standups like perform and I'm like, oh, I got this shit, dude. Like this is fucking. Come on.

I'm going to run circles around. Sure. These guys suck. I write down stuff and I'm like, I don't know. I got like 45 or something. And then the, uh, 45. Dude, you're just, you have no idea how it works. You have no idea.

You're like there's no like here's this. Here's the rule book. There's no 10. you're just like, all right? It's that, it's that like unknown, right? Especially if you haven't, like, there's some people who are like, they're around a lot. So they start to like get an idea. But I wasn't around it.

Like it was, it's totally like I knew what stand up was obviously. But I wasn't like in the clubs watching. To be like, oh, they're redoing the same bits. They're changing it. I have no idea. I have no idea. But you're booked. You're all set.

You're in April 9th, dude. Mine. I fucking. I remember that as I, as the date was approaching. I got like more and more nervous. And the morning of the set, I popped up out of bed at like five in the morning. Like just sat up like that.

And I start like walking through the apartment like rehearsing to myself. Here's how fucking dumb I am though. Are you doing like you have like a remote in your hand as a mic? Probably. I was my go-to move. That Comcast remote was pretty good. He's doing the tonight show introduction. Hey, everyone.

Doing gestures. Oh, you want me to come over to the couch? What side's the band going to be on? The craziest thing that I did. I still, I mean, I can believe I did this, but it's like, it's so dumb. I'm in that, I'm, I'm at the next level of the imp class, Browning's class. Like the day, two days before we have class and then people are just talking.

I was like, oh, yeah, I got a show Thursday. And they go, I didn't know you just stand up. And instead of being like, well, I'm going to try it for the first time, I just go, yeah. Duh. Yeah. I'm actually like And the whole class is like We want to see you to stand up

And I was like Fuck yeah You should Fuck I'm glad Why wouldn't you want to be Legend in the making I go to that thing I'm just a nervous wreck

I don't I never drink Before sets Like I've always been like I don't like that Right That day at the bar I think I'd down three In like four minutes Just like pounding them

So nervous And since I'd never done a set I'm like When do I go up And they have of the list. You know, there you go,

you're seventh. And I was like, oh, Jesus. Now you got sweated out. So the emcees, like this older lady, she goes up there,

and she's reading stuff. She's doing her set. And then she's like, all right, your first comic is Tom Seguer, Seguera. And I'm like, I'm seven.

As I walk on stage, I go, I thought I was seventh. And she looks down, and she goes, oh, yeah. Like, yeah, you are.

You were. And so I'm like, all right, bitch. But I, at least I do well enough in my mind where it's like fine and then I I get off and I think one of my friends had come too and afterwards we all went somewhere like to have drinks and hang out and I was like like fucking throwing a party basically and one of my friends he leans over

he goes you know you didn't get paid right like he's like you're acting like yeah you got paid and I was like why do you have to fucking ruin yeah what are you talking about man we're I'm living in my big night. Right here killing it in LA. Yeah. This is a great day. Just fucking let me have fun. Gary,

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Anyway, I'm just like at that point, I'm like, oh, I'm a stand-up. Yeah. And I start doing spots like once every two months. I don't even know that that's not a lot. I think that that's really growing. You're working at your work. You're working the scene at that. I think that that's like a lot.

I'm like, yeah, I did one in April. Got it one in June. I think that that's a lot. Like, that's how comics work. It takes me probably six months or more to learn that comics are going up. It's more. There's a you got to work the system. Yeah, I didn't know that.

So what's your day to day at this time? So offstage. So off stage. What do you eat? Grocer shopping? What's the story? Yeah, I'm, I'm just you in this apartment. No, I have roommates.

Okay. Yeah. What are you doing for the day? You're doing the producer thing where you were? No, I'm, I'm, I have so many different jobs. Okay. I end up getting. So I work, first I open, I'm one of the opening staff on Cheebo at Cheebo on sunset.

Okay. Which is, um, it was a walk up where you could order like paninis, you know, lemonade like, like sandwiches and like, and like, and it's a counter. So you'd walk up an order, so I would work the front counter. What time do you got to be there in the morning? The, um, well, I had told the guy, the chef, I was like, I want to be a chef too. I want to be like a cook. So he was just, you just see someone doing something. I can do that. I could do that. I, I, but I would get, I was getting so high at night that I would come in like this. And he was like, go get the prosciutto out of the walking fridge. And I was like, all right. And I'd be in there for like 20.

And that's who's prosciutto man? And then I come back and he goes, that's fucking bacon. Like he gets so mad. And he told him, he's like, he's like, this is not going to work. I was like, I agree. So I did that for a while. I did the front counter there for a while. Okay.

I also worked in post production for a long time. Right. And this was the thing, everybody who does stand up or I think any of the arts at some point has to make a choice of, are you going to have the stability of a real job or take the risk of the art thing? That gets to a point where you're like, I have to make that this month. Like it gets to a point.

I was like, I was a logger on reality shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I was lead logger. Then I was the post-production coordinator. And I worked in the story department. These are all reality shows, right? And then at one point,

I got, this is also just the stupidity of like in 2007, I signed with a manager. And it was the day that I signed with him was the day we were starting a new show. And on this new show, something had happened in post-production where someone had sued one of these post-production companies

for not paying overtime. Okay. They were only paying overtime to editors. And they would abuse the time that we... So we would work on paper a 12-hour shift and they would have us there 14, 16. hours or more, right? And they were just like, it is what it is, dude. Yeah, this is the job. This is the job. And you just would suck it up. I had a cool boss that he would let me dip out to do spots because at

this point I would know that I had, so he would let me go to a spot and come back. And then if I had a weekend, I'd be like, hey, can I, can I have, you know, Thursday and Friday off? But I'll work like more next week. And he was like, yes, he would take care of me like that. Well, on this new gig, it was a new show. They were like, you're going to get the most you've ever gotten as a base rate

and overtime. So this was clearly going to be the most money I had ever made at that point. But I signed with a manager and like two days later he's like, I got you an audition

like for this movie like at one in the afternoon and I go, I need to quit my job. So I quit. There you go. I resigned and I was like, I'm full time.

Resigned? And I told, I told the... From the Pini place? Well, I told my manager I was like, yeah, I quit my job. He was like, what? He was like, an idiot.

I was like, isn't that good? He was like, uh, yeah. You didn't get the movie. He's like, yeah, you didn't get the movie. It was an Eddie Murphy movie. I was like, this is the big time. I'm in, I'm in this now. How were you on the early days of the road?

Your behavior, your eating habits, etc. Oh, it was a slow unrolling of bad, bad things. I mean, it was a decline. Did you feature a lot on the road? Oh, a lot. So that, it started out as a feature. I started as a feature. I was, I also.

worked at a pizza place on Riverside Drive in LA serving pizza and I remember that guy, the owner was gay and I would wear shorts a lot and one time I was late and I was like, I'm sorry I'm late. He goes, we always take it easy on guys with nice legs and I was like, what? And then I was like, oh, I didn't know. I was like, okay, I'll just wear shorts every day. Shake my little ass. He's like, you got nice, nice calves. So I worked there and the other one that I had, that was a real, this was a crazy full circle thing for me, is, do you know what a site rep is on productions? No.

So if you own this house and you go, I want them. Which I don't. Which you don't, but I thought you did. But if you own this house and you go, I want movies and television shows. Right. You give the house, you basically give the house to an agent that's like an agent for houses for productions.

Well, the day the production shoots here, that company has to send someone, to basically look over the house for the owner to the product. You're like a liaison. Make sure they're not fucking the place up. They don't fuck the place up. Right.

I did that. I did that for a few years. Okay. And so I would work at hospitals, churches, houses, banks, all types of buildings, like with productions. We just filmed season two of bad thoughts. And one of the places that we shot was the headquarters

of this place that I used to work out. No kidding. So the owner was like, It's crazy that you used to work here and now we're shooting your show here. Did you know? He was that you knew the owner. Yeah, I knew the owner. Yeah, I knew him at the time.

So he came down. That's fucking awesome. That was pretty crazy. But I worked on that and that was like an hourly job. And it was just all I needed at that point was like enough to get by. I mean, I was living in one of the worst neighborhoods in LA. I was living in the Rampart Division, which is like famously a dangerous place. Sure.

There was a lot of gangs there. There was MS-13 and this Mexican gang that they would go out. at it like broad daylight shooting on the streets you know crazy crazy meeting I'm a comic I saw a cop one time at a bank a Wells Fargo like adjacent to downtown and I rode the elevator with him and I mentioned I go yeah I live over here he goes why do you live here and I go it's cheap you know because I didn't have any money and he was like you got to be able to live somewhere else and I go is it does it that bad he goes we don't even go down these streets.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, really? He's like, no, we don't even, we don't even patrol these areas. I was like, that's where I live, dude. He was like, you gotta get out of here, man. He was like, a lieutenant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was like, I would tell my guy's not even a good. He's like, I won't even send one of my guys. That's awesome. So, wait, I forget where we were. So you start working the road a little bit. Start working the road. The road, so I start doing a few gigs. In 2006, I take,

I think I said seven, but it was a six that I think that I'd quit. I take every feature gig that they offer me, and they offer me a bunch. Okay. And I take them all. Is this funny bones, what is it? Yeah, funny bones and improps. And I take like almost every one in the nation, I get an offer. But it's for people that know, you get $100 a show, no airfare.

You have to get yourself there. So I looked at it kind of like going to graduate school. You know, you have to like figure it. It's an investment. to invest because you're not making money you're losing money like every but you're getting the reps you have to look at it's like well i'm getting five or six features i did notice this thing though it's like i was looking at it was like yeah i'm working the road i'm working the road you're not making any money i noticed that like six months after like going hard at this and i'm doing

kansas city hartford Cincinnati tamp like i'm doing the whole country i'd come back and do shows in l.a with like the my people that i was used to seeing do stand up with and i was like oh Like I've gotten better. I've gotten better. You're getting in the groove. Yeah, because I'm performing for different crowds six nights a week or whatever all over the country. I could feel the shift of like you're getting better at it. So I noticed that there's still no fucking money.

Like there's just no money. So what's that, what's that weekend look like? Are you staying in the hotel? Are you just eating in the green room? Yeah. So I'll tell you what it looks like. I get obsessed, as with most people do when you start touring with. airline status sure right because every day you look at that monitor and you're like am i

getting upgraded i'm like if you get upgraded it feels like you've won the lottery like it's just a euphoric feeling and sometimes you'd see your name go up the list and you're like come on motherfucker somebody die on this first class like like you just want to get upgraded so that was the first thing i've never been upgraded really what kind of animal were you when you got upgraded when you and when you're in first class and you get everything oh i mean i was I was never big boozer, but I would be like, can I have three breakfast? Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah.

I would. And then like, how many snacks? And they're like, that's, well, these are for everybody. And I was like, but I have to get off the plane. So I would take. I've been bumped up, please. I would love the, the, they used to have the, the Delta would have the, it was like chocolate brownie brittle.

Like, it was like a, when you, if you'd overcooked, sure, sheet of brownies and they break it up. They're all right. And I would eat those for breakfast. I would eat those for breakfast with a Coke. Like, that's how I started. And then you land and then the thing becomes So are you renting a car?

No, you know, there's not in the budget. You pick me up, dude. Yeah, yeah, you pick me up. Who's picking me up?

It's some fucking scumbagged from the club. The bus pole. The guy who has the dirtiest shittiest car puts you up where you're like there's actual trash. Like when you step in, you're like, what's this? Like he's like,

it's just trash. Hey, what's up, man. And you step on the trash. He's a comic too. He's an open mic. He's a,

he's a, He works the clubs and he's like, They let me do this. I'm like, yes. They let you do this. It's a treat for me too. And then you have to, then you have the anxiety of what will the condo be like. So the condo, a lot of clubs own an apartment. They call it a condo, the comedy condo.

It's a write off for the club. They don't have to spend money putting people up. Significantly cheaper because they know it's $1,100 a month versus 30 hotel rooms. Exactly. And this is kind of a dying thing. No, but back then this was. This was bigger then. This was it.

And usually that's a Wednesday night thing. So you're getting in Wednesday night. And you're like, you're like, how fucking shitty is this going to be? And you get there. And you also have the, I would have the anxiety of like, I know I have to wake up tomorrow at four in the morning. Right. Which I'm living in L.A. And I'm on an East Coast run.

So four in the morning feels like one in the morning. Yeah. And they're going to pick me up to do a run of radio spots. So you're like, all right. Is it you on the headline or just you? Well. This is when you're headlining. Well, it's kind of like transitional.

It's both, right? Like, you're right. As a feature, you don't, it's not on you, but sometimes they're like, we want you to come with, you know. So then it's just like, what I'm looking forward to is an early morning high fat breakfast. That's what I'm going to bet. I mean, what I want is like a bacon, egg and cheese, croissant or burrito or both. Yeah. And then I'm like, yeah, I got my protein, but I need to get some sugar in my system.

Yeah, some sweet. Yes, some sweet. So I would honestly eyeball, I mean, I'm not kidding when I say I opened a place because I love chocolate croissants. I would look for chocolate croissants. And I would want that too. And then lots of coffee. And I would be just running on fumes for these radio runs. And then I would just be honestly fantasizing about the nap.

I used to sleep so much more than I sleep now. I would get back from that morning radio run. And it would be like, I don't know, maybe like 8 a.m. or something. And I'd be like, I think I can sleep until three. You got the sugar coma going. Oh, bro. I would have diarrhea and then I would take. And then I would take a lot of diarrhea.

I would have diarrhea every day. Oh, I still do. There's nothing better than diarrhea in a hotel room because you're just like, it don't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not just like, just bull. Basically you go, do I need to shower after this? Yes. That would be the dilemma of the morning.

And then I would try to have like stuff. like in the room like if I could on the way back from radio pick up like an Italian sandwich so I was like oh when I get up after I jerk off I'm gonna want to eat sure a lot of jerking off yeah yeah he had a carbolo so I would be like I could have I could wake up and eat this that'd be a that'd be a fucking great day can I should put the Italian sub in the refrigerator would you kind of leave it out to let it I would more than likely marinate I would more than likely put in the fridge

because I'd be worried about how long it's going to be out. Like if it was going to be out for like a little while, it's ideal. But if I'm like, you don't want to lose it. I'm going to be out for seven hours. I'm going to probably put this in the fridge. Because not that long ago, I really rolled the dice with a tuna hoagie. Yeah. Where I ate half of it.

And then we went and did a show. And then I got back at like 11 o'clock and it was still sitting there. And I would, you know, just really, you know, it joined itself. Yeah. Yeah. It was so good. But I could have got violently ill. You could have.

I think you did get violently ill. Did I? Yeah. And he's like, I don't know what it is. So both things happened. It was so good. So good.

And he got violently ill. It was so good. Well, he was so sick. And he's like, I don't know what it is. We're like, well,

you know, and then like, half of the time on the road with him is like, you know, going over symptoms or like what it could be. You're like backtracking. Like,

you know, and Luke was like, you know, well, would you eat? And he was like, he reminded us like three hours later. He could have been that,

could have been that 12, that 12 hour old tuna. It settles into itself. Yeah. Same thing with Italian. Right, because it starts to merit into the bread. Yeah. Because you don't want it to be the bread to be completely too soggy.

No. But you want it to be a little. Yeah. I get you on that. But you're a fridge guy. I am kind of a fridge guy. Yeah. Keb, let's talk about Cigars International.

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rocked, the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. So much porn in this era. So much porn. Like laptop. Or you're not getting it on the TV. No, no. Oh, yeah. I mean, a few times. But laptop, just everywhere. Or every. Laptop over the internet or laptop download it? No, laptop internet.

Yeah. Internet. Yeah. And like I don't, I had, I guess at one point I probably had a few save things, but I was more into like the perusing. Searching. Searching. Yeah, yeah.

And it would be hours. Just fucking goon and. Really? Hours. Hours. My God. Yeah. How are you doing with the ladies on the road at this time?

I mean, the only time I was not in a relationship was pretty early on. Like, the only time I ever like scored. was like 2003. Was that three? Three or four? Okay. When I went down to Orange County. I mean, I'm a, I'm still like a pretty new comedy.

Yeah. And I totally, like there was a girl, I was doing a bar show. There was a girl waiting at the bar. It's pretty good, that I pulled a girl out of a bar show. And then she was sitting at the bar. Didn't know that the show was like inside. I was like, you coming in here? And she was like, for what?

I was like, stand up. And she was like, no, I was like, you should. Like, I'm pretty awesome. I was like, I'm pretty awesome. And she was like, okay. And then she came in and we just, oh, this was crazy. I mean, after that, I took her out of there. We start making out at the bar.

No. No, outside. Okay. And then I was like, do you have a room? And she was like, no, I get her to get a room at, at on the beach. It's like $500 or something, which was crazy. You were just going back. You were just.

I was going to drive back to L.A. Right, of course. And, and then I'm like, I'm like, this is crazy. crazy. And she's like, yeah, okay, she puts her car down. She gets a room. We start just like making out. And then eventually there's a knock on the door. And it's her friend. I guess she had told her friend like, she's kept thing kind of update. I'm in 518. I'm in this room. I got a room. I'm with the guy. And her friend was like, huh? So her friend showed up and was like, like, what's going on? And we were like, I was like, nothing. What do you? doing here and then she's like she you know you start trying to make out with her but the friend was like was like looking at me like who are you yeah and like why why is my god why is my guy why is my friend agreeing to this and then the girl that i had met was like he's a comedian she was like that's that's that's that's even worse for you oh yeah it was so much worse she was like cool she basically

was like let me save my friend and i was like all right well it's great to meet you that's it oh yeah nothing happened because the friend the friend showed up to like basically that's a vibe If you ask you if you could stay in the room for the night I think that she had texted her friend Like I met someone and just so you know I met this hotel and that her friend

Was like what the fuck What the fuck yeah Damn Yeah Well that was that was my only like road thing I was in a relationship Like the next year I never I never was like on the road

Yeah like out there like dude the guy with the act to be like what's up late? Nah, never, never. You're hanging out with the stay, were you going out and drinking with the staff or anything? You know, a little bit in the, in those days when you're, because this thing is like, you don't realize how lonely you are and how depressed you can get.

Like you don't really, you don't, I don't think you have like a four hours awareness of it. That like, yeah, if you would ask me, I'd be like, I'm having a great time. Yeah. It's cool. I got a tuna hokey on the radiator back. I was just, I mean, there's things where if you looked at the amount of

porn the weight that I gained in a year. Sure. Probably like. And the lack of any socialization. Yeah. You're like, this is a formula for good living, man. It's that first year, probably getting 25 pounds on the road. Yeah.

Which I was like, I don't know why these pants are tight. I don't get it. Like, I just was not putting it together. Uh-huh. The drinking, I never was like a big, I mean, I definitely got drunk as fuck a few times. Most of that would have been like Saturday night, like the weekends ending. And, and yeah, the. staff is like come drink with us so i did that in a few places where i ended up waking up being

like what the fuck you know but i those were early days yeah yeah yeah i was not not as like a are you eating at the big thing for us for a while was like we'll go to the show and then it's like where can we go get a bite like googling like late night burger oh yeah and you just go just go just go fucking roll what was your green room uh move my so my case of these chicken fingers yeah oh my God, whatever you've got. I mean, I remember playing in Hartford, and they'd be like, if you're a feature, you can order from this side of the menu. It's crazy.

And if you're a headline, and I was like, really? I just flew across the country. I can't get the nachos. And they're like, nah. Yeah. But I end up eating, of course, so much in green rooms. Steaks, burgers, fries. Sometimes I would do the chicken or the, the, the, Mitz, mozzarella sticks, but not all the time.

just didn't feel like they boated well for performing. Yeah. You know, those, those you'd be like, oh, like the marinara's coming up. Not really performance fuel, huh? Not performance fuel. But my thing on the road, and I still love it to this day, was finding late night breakfast places. That was what I wanted.

I wanted a diner. So every time I was in a city, I'd be like, where can we get? 24-hour diner. Where can we get 24-hour diner? And I want to go, like, after the show, I also want to know that I'm going to go. go to sleep around 3.30 a.m. Like, that's when I would go to sleep. And I'm going to wake up at noon or one.

So I want a place that serves breakfast at that time. After I goon, I want to eat. And you go back to the same place. If that's the spot, yes. A lot of breakfast. A lot of breakfast, dude. What was the three eight? What was the after show order?

You doing like an omelet or you doing it? And who are you with? Are you solo? No, I'd be like with, with the other comic. Okay. It was like, you know, whoever you're paired. That was when you were paired up. There was no such thing as being brought along.

You were not brought along. It was paired up. I was paired up with some fucking lunatics, dude. But my go-to breakfast thing is I would get like based, like poached eggs, basically. Yeah. And then I would get crispy hash browns. I would break those eggs over the hash browns. I like that was like my move.

Really? And then crispy bacon. Uh-huh. A biscuit if they had that. And then that would be like, hey man, that's, I walked today. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably burn this off in 10 minutes.

I'm so fat in my head. I was like, that's not that bad. That's variation of you. Cracking the egg over top. Really? Yeah. The yolk soaks on the as browns. Yeah.

This is a good. Bro. This is a good. That's the move for me here. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So I was eating like such a fat.

You doing, you're doing sodas at that point? Yeah. Just like full heavy bike coax. I mean, I'm drinking mostly diet Coke. Yeah. Gentleman. Yeah, I'm a gentleman.

Yeah. How are. Are we with the packing, with the underwear, with the showering situation? Are we ever walking around a little, little funky? There's also no real where you unpack your clothes and put them in the, you're living out. Fuck, no. Okay. No, I'm out of the suitcase.

Okay. You still do that out of the suitcase. A lot of times, yeah. I have to be, the only time I unpack my stuff is if I know I'm going to be somewhere for an extended period. At least a week. Yeah. At least, yeah. Gentlemen's move.

Yeah. I mean, most of the time, leave it in the suitcase and just live out of that, especially like, on tour now where you're somewhere for 24 hours. What are you kidding me? Yeah. So to answer your question, I mean, I feel like there's probably some days where I should have showered again. In the run of this, you know, there's some, you know, to let some things go.

You let some things go. Yeah, sure. That's a good way to put it. Underwear. I feel like I got the lesson early on that you always pack more underwear than there are days of your trip. Double it. Right?

So like four day trip. Yeah. Six, seven, eight underwear. I shoot under. One day under. Yeah. One less. One day under.

Guy lives on the edge, dude. My dad was a real savage. I didn't realize that until like later in life where I was like, how I see it? I'm like, how old are these? He's like, they're still good. I'm like, there's holes. Oh, yeah. It's discolored.

He's like, well, you know, if you see a little something, you just flip it inside out, you wear the other side. Run it back. Wow. He's like, you just see a little sunset in your underwear. It's okay. Yeah. streak real crazy i've i've i've done that very recently yeah i mean you know what i mean and i've i saw on him

like real brown shots and i'm like hey that's you shit your pants yeah i'm like that's that's real bad and he goes it's just a little bit of shit like that was it it's just a little bit of shit i don't wear underwear a lot when i wear jeans and i've i've seen that on the back of my jeans that's crazy yeah that's crazy you know that i shit my pants on season two of bad thoughts nice and I didn't know what this is crazy okay so I'm wearing I don't want to give away sure the character okay but I'm wearing a I'm in a but he wasn't supposed to get his pants now and I have multiple layers on let's just say that so I have like my underwear like a body suit thing another harness pants so you don't know like it's it's a lot going on

a lot of thick padding a lot of padding a lot of padding I also have have like crazy glove things like there's everything's uncomfortable so this particular day on production like i'm tired as fuck you're working you know 14 16 hour days five days a week i'm just to keep going i'm like i don't do this in my regular life but in production i'm like yeah give me give me like something to go so i took adderall no shit yeah and i've not i'm not used to it so i took a low dose but i'm like all right well this one day where we're doing this. I love you're like, I'll do drugs for work. Yeah. I'm like, I take the Adderall in the morning. In the afternoon, somebody comes up to me and they go, hey, here's a different thing.

It's, it's not, it's also like a stimulant. It's not Adderall. But it's like, it's a little milder, but the way it works is different. And I go, okay. So I take it. Vivance? It's not Vivance. Consert. Because those are my favorite. And I know what those are. Okay. But the person gives me this. This is what happened to Michael Jackson. And I'm like, man. And like, almost immediately, I'm like, I can feel. It's not that I feel it in my head. I feel my stomach is like gurgling.

And then I tell that person, I'm like, man, my stomach. And they're like, did you just take that? And I go, yeah, you just gave it to me. And they're like, oh, you shouldn't take it if you've already taken the other one. I was like, oh, man. They're like, yes, you just take those separately. I'm like, great. Cheap.

Well, I give it. Thanks. So I take it. And now I'm in a house. shooting this thing and I'm like man my stomach is all costumed up all costumed up I'm like my stomach's really I go I need to fart like I can feel like gas bubbles in my stomach so at one point we have a little you know new setup it's like you have like 10 minutes I just go outside I'm standing on a street and I rip a massive fart and I'm like that's fucking it's gnarly that's gnarly if you can smell

through all those layers. I don't, I don't smell it. It's just on a hot mic too. You feel it. I feel it. And I do, I have to be on,

I do go, huh, did something, does something come out? You know what I mean? You're not, you're not an idiot. Yeah,

I'm like, did something come out of there? Yeah, there's nothing worse. One of those. And then I start the, I go, it's going to take me forever

to find out, like to get all this stuff off. And we have another setup. I go, I didn't. That was just like a lot of gas. And about 10 people are going to have to be involved

than that. And they'll be asking questions of, yeah, why, what's going on? It's got to make a call. So I just work the rest of the day, dude. That, that farts probably at like, the rest of the day. The rest of the day.

So jacked up on ZVans or whatever. I'm just like, I'm, I'm going. And there is no smell. No one smell. I don't smell any. No one says anything. I have no question about a star of the show.

They're not going to go. Hey, Tom, did you smell like shit, dude? I would be like, I know something's up. So they're all 20 feet away from you. So I forget about that fart. And I, I don't have a sensation. At the end of the day, I go back to the trailer.

And costume starts, the department starts helping me change because I have to get the stuff off my hands. And they help get the pants and the body suit. Still, nothing, nothing. And then I go, I'm going to change into my comfort. They have the comfort clothes for like hair and makeup. And then, you know, go home after I change again. So I take everything off.

I put on my underwear. You still don't know what this time? I still don't know. Did someone else tell you you shit your pants? No. I put on my underwear. I put on the comfort sweats. I go to the makeup trailer.

They take up all the makeup. I come back. I take off the comfort sweats, put on my pants, my shirt, and go home. I go all the way home. It's like a 45-minute drive.

I get home. And a lot of days on set, you're like you get home let's say if it's a hot day you're like I'm getting right in the shower sure on this particular day I'm like man I'm not I'm not like sweaty I'm exhausted just gonna get in bed dude just something bert would do yeah I take off myself I'm just in my boxers now and as I get in the bed I get in I side I get in like sideways like I crawl in on my side and I take because I'm so tired I'm like I just want to and I take the sheet up like this and as I pull the sheet up

like the air comes up and I go oh my god is there a homeless man in here and I jump out of bed I jump and I go I don't even like check I just freeze and I go that's the fart

that's the fart from my pants and I'm in my I'm like no so I don't how many hours I mean we're 18 hours away from the initial fart

right no but we're probably more than five yeah more than five hours that's crazy yeah we're probably like seven or eight hours that's fucking it's insane i just walk straight into the bathroom right i just i walk straight into the bathroom i sit down and i'm like all right let's put some toilet paper back here and see what what's back there five hours so this was a zombie virus it would be spreading around i take the paper and i go like this it's just a wall of shit it's so much shit dude it's just so much shit and it's just been sitting it's been sitting there for like eight hours is it harding like it's it's it's it's drier it's dry it's dry it's like dry shit and I'm like holy shit and I take I mean obviously like I just want to get like the cake that off of me like

the icing and I just I throw you know I wipe clean and then I go well obviously straight in the shower and then I go did they know like did did the costume department know so I'm sweating it all weekend all weekend I'm like

I'm mortified that I was like that they thought I was like here's some shit and I just like throw it on the ground I shit my pants someone deal with this you fucking clean it right where's my Ferrari so I see the costume

people and I'm like they go what I go did I and they're like like what? I'm like, did I, did you see this shit? And they're like, what shit?

And I go, Friday. I think you're losing your mind. And the lady's like, what are you talking about? I go, and I just tell this story. I go, I shit my pants. And I didn't even know until I got home. And all weekend I've been thinking that you had to deal with like shit-filled clothes and that I just walked away.

And she was like, no. She goes, I promise you. I was like, oh, my God, I'm just so relieved that that didn't happen. Fast forward a few weeks later, we're wrapping the show. And a different person in the costume department just says something to be like, she goes, you know something?

You always smell amazing. And I go, what? She goes, you always smell amazing. We were just saying, like, you, like, I don't know if it's like cologne or you smell great. And I jokingly go, well, except for the day I shit myself. And she goes like that. And I go, wait.

Whoa. So you do know? And she was like, well, yeah. And I go, well, how much shit was there? And she goes, just a little bit. And I go, where was it? I'm going to, this is the, this is horrible. It was in your comfort sweats.

So when I, it wasn't in my constant. It transferred with you. Your comfort sweat. When I sat in the makeup trailer, squishing it in. Squishing it in. And here's the thing. The one didn't know.

She goes, I went in there and picked it up. And I saw. She jumped on the grenade. it didn't say anything she goes i saw a little bit of shit and i put it in a bag which is when you when you did get out of your comfort sweats the makeup you just left it on the floor in your trailer yeah yeah yeah you got to fold that up you're gonna put that aside something i mean i just i just dropped it i just dropped it i didn't i didn't i didn't drop it i didn't i didn't i didn't think i didn't think it i didn't think it up oh you see the

well she said she goes it was just like a little bit you think she's lying no because because I had my boxers on so what makes sense that a little bit had been in there I sat down and then the shit was just like a little bit

in those sweats but man I've never sat with shit in between my ass for eight hours before that just gave me cold sweat it was really homeless feeling you know sure it's even scary is that you didn't I didn't know, man.

Or I think the truth is that I kind of knew. And I just was like, that's not real. Wow. You know? So we are so the opposite. The high ability, I like you. I don't trust any fart ever. You don't trust.

I think I've shit myself four times. A wet one would have been different, though. Sure. You know what I mean? When you're like, oh, like when you're like, the thing about this mystery fart was that the fact that I didn't have liquid shit. I took like a real shit. Yeah, you shit.

I actually. You shit. It wasn't like an accident. I farted a little bit of like a log of shit out. And then it was like, well, that's fine. Yeah. Man. Is that trashy?

Yeah. That's pretty trashy. Yeah. Yeah. That. It's good to know that no matter, you know, what you got going on now. You'll still shit yourself. You got that.

I still shit myself. Your TV show, not your TV show. Yeah. yourself. The person that you were in the only 2000s, you still are. I really am. You are trash. I mean, the only thing that I was thinking of, you know, the craziest thing that I think about from those early touring days, honestly, one of them is just how lethargic I was. Like, the fact that I would, like, would, like, really go to bed most of the time after 3 a.m. And most of the time, wake up at least at noon and you're like and I would wake up like you know like god like I just

need to fucking eat something and we just go to like it's a cycle yeah that cycle the last thing you do before you go to bed is eat and then you sleep for eight hours and you wake up and you go I got to get something like that's when I'm at my worst and then I would just like go outside just for some air and then dude one time I was thinking about like how they used to pair you up with people I got paired up one time As a feature or a headliner I'm a headliner Sure

But I'm an early headliner One time I get paired up With my feature act is 600 pounds Six bills And the one of the first I see him Obviously you see someone You're like

Good eating this weekend And he walks in He's like Is there one bathroom here? Oh And I go Yeah he goes Great

And then he just kind of walks in room shuts the door and I was like this would be a cool weekend he would shit and it would come through the walls the scent would come through the walls so what kind of life are you living when you're like I was first place you get somewhere and go how many bathrooms we were how many bad guys is is going to be an issue how many we got and then I remember one time I was like I was like hey man you want to get something to eat I'm like this should be a yes right he's like yeah I was like all right for him to go from bed to just get up and like for us to walk out 45 minutes yeah right was he funny yeah he was funny yeah um and then we went out to

eat this the power of the i always think about like how we can all be delusional we sat down we're eating somewhere he goes you've seen john pennett lately guys getting big he's got to watch it i was like i go yeah he goes got to fucking watch it man yeah meanwhile john panette's probably like four 15 yeah i was like all the 12 egg omelet western yeah Yeah, dude, it was crazy. Another time I got paired up with a guy who was a legit, hardcore alcoholic who was like just down him. I mean, just downing these fucking,

I think it was rum and coax. Just, I mean, it would start. It was during the day. That's crazy. Yeah, we'd be like at the condo. He'd be like, just knocking him back. And we get back one night from, it was a two-shunders.

show nights. We either Friday or Saturday. It's late. And I'm sitting here looking at the TV and he's over there and we're watching some bullshit like cops or something, you know, like just watching it. And he's like, it's like, it's such a road show to watch. It's such a road show. It's such a dirt. Yeah. I'm like, watch this guy get his head cracked. And then he's like, you've seen that Paris Hilton video? And I'm like, what? He's like that Paris Hilton video. You seen that video? I'm like, her sex date? he's like yeah I'm like

yes yeah it was like old at that point even I go yeah he goes that guy's got a nice cock on him huh and I go what that was your takeaway from the film

he goes I'm saying I bet that my guy didn't mind that getting out there you know and I go yeah he goes yeah I wouldn't mind

and I was like oh shit oh fuck dude and then he's just like I'm open to anything you know and I was like that's awesome and we're just sitting there and he's just keeps I'm hoping to anything insinuating I shit myself dude I'm sorry he's like I'll I'll fuck guys I'll fuck girl this is out of no this is after we had done like shows and lunches together about whatever and I'm like cool and he's hammered he's hammered and I'm like so I go in my head I go don't overreate

react right now. Like don't react big and don't get up right now. Just like wait, wait. Sit in it. Just sit. So I just sit and I just watch for like, I don't know, five, 10 minutes. And I'm like, all right, I'm like, all right, man, I'm gonna go to bed. He's like, all right, man. Now he's going to my room and I'm like, fuck. This guy, could you? No, I move the dresser in front of my door. Yeah, he did. And it takes me like 15 minutes. He hears your rearranging furniture. pushing this thing in front of the door. I'd be petrified. Yeah.

He was a skinny dude, older guy. And yeah, total booze bag. And he was just like, you like big dicks? I was like, what, dude? You're starting with that? Who was the first person you started taking out when you could take someone? Was that theaters then?

I'm trying to think who I could. Potter was an early one, no. He was pretty early. Potter was early. Shout out to the Roach. I brought like, I'm trying to think who I've done weekends with

for years. Potter, Sickler, you've had him on, right? Yeah, yeah, shout out to like he's a, he's family at this point. Oh, yeah.

Potter, Sickler, Jeff Tate, him and I have worked together for a long time. I mean, those were like the inner circle of like close friends. Sure.

Yeah. That's got to be a game changer when you get control of that. Oh, my God. Because you realize that it's, the show is one thing. Obviously the show is important.

But it's about all those hours that you're not doing the show. Yeah. The show's 90 minutes long. That's it. And you're like, yeah, but we got to fly, we got to eat,

we got to travel. We got all this time. We got to hang out. It's like, I want to hang out with my friends. Yeah. So hanging out with those guys is definitely the best.

Yeah. That's like, that's why we do that it's like, yeah. It's just, what the fuck's the point? It's everything. It's everything.

Yeah. You hear that big man? I hear that, buddy. It's the best. Yeah. I've had people too. Sometimes, you know, I'm sure you've had people they go like, how about you have me open up?

Like some guy you've never made. Sure. And you're like, oh, like, I appreciate you. Yeah, we, we are hustling. But like, I have someone. They're like, so you're just not going to give someone a shot? And you're like, well, no, I. It's also like, I'm doing the United Center.

I can't really take a risk here. I've never seen you. I don't know you. And they're like, so you're not going to help somebody out. We get the, we get the passive. If you ever need anybody for the show. Yeah. Thanks.

Yeah, yeah. You need someone. Yeah. Yeah, we need someone. But, like, that is like the thing, too, of like the, you know, it's a very shoot your shot. Yeah. At the moment. I respect the shit.

Everybody's got to shoot. It's like, it's a, everybody's, you're a DM away. So everybody goes, hey, can I? And like, you know, we've gotten people on the show by going, hey, do you want to come do the show? Yeah. You know, and it's like, you got to, you got to, I respect it. It's part of the game, but. I totally do.

I just feel like with when there comes to opening, you go, yeah, but I, like, I'm bringing someone. Yeah. You know? They're like, so what? Throw me up? No. Come on, let's not being a dick, yeah. Why are you being a dick?

Let me get five. I love it. Yeah, that's great. But I mean, yeah, I mean, you're still stone cold garbage. Stone cold garbage. Nice. That version of you was, you just shit yourself. What are we talking about?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, those were, I mean, I was dude. I think about the, also, we forgot that I, in that period, too, I started smoking at 30 again. That's right. At 30. Wait, at that age. So I smoked from 25, sorry, I started smoking at 25, which is insane.

I spoke from 25 to 30, which is in those rough years. Right? So I'm like, I'm getting fatter. I'm sleeping in a lot. I'm jerking off a lot. And I'm like, I should start smoking. So I start smoking. I smoke from 25 to 30.

I stop at 30 and I pick it up again 10 years later. And I smoke for like two or three years. No shit. And I quit that. Yeah. You know what I was thinking is like how good you eat now, how much you work out, like how good you probably feel? Yeah.

What if one of those mornings of like, like one of the nights that you were up until three, you had the eggs, you're overweight, you're lethargic, you're smoking weed. Yeah. You wake up in the morning and you feel and you're this guy. Think of what that difference would be. I mean, I feel like I would have been. You'd be like a superhuman. So much more productive.

No, of course. But I'm just saying the juxtaposition. Yeah. Oh, it's crazy. Going to bed feeling like that and waking. up like, what the fuck? I came here from the gym, you know? Like I quit bragging, Tom.

No, I'm saying like I feel. Of course. Sure. So much better. Well, that's where we had, we had Rob Lowe on and we were like talking about. He was like talking about he wakes up with like the sun and the circadian rhythm and he's like in tune and just like how good he feels. He's so good feeling like everything. And I'm like, oh man, if he woke up and felt like I did in the morning, he would check himself into a hospital.

He'd have to be like my organs are shutting down. Well, I want everything hurts. When I think about how I actually just used to feel like in those times, it is like, man, it's a shit show. Like I would feel fucking like, like I said, barely awake, like really dragging. I was always like, that was the thing. It's like when you're 30, you shouldn't be like, man, I'm fucking so tired. At 3 p.m. Yeah, I'm like, I was tired all the time.

Exhausted. I had fucking diarrhea every day. Amen, brother. And you're like, dude, like I don't feel good. Yeah. feel bad. I've, like,

the worst I've ever catches up on the road, you're outside of like a fucking in Hampton in or whatever and you're like just eight, seven thousand calories of whatever.

You're hungover or whatever. And you're like, I'm smoking a sig, already feeling bad. And I'm just like, I can feel the sig just like lowering my health form. I'm like, a video game.

And I'm gonna go shut it down till showtime. I'll see you in a green room. And then you're like, I don't know what it is, man. But like, I got to feel like I got to change.

A little sluggish. I've done the, I don't know. what it is to such a degree yeah I just can't figure it out I don't know what it is I had the tour I had a tour manager once who got his stomach got upset when we were in Europe was like I think it was that thing I ate and I was like well you know just take it easy obviously these next couple days like we're on the rover in Europe so we're doing like Greece and uh we're in Athens and I I come he's been in the venue

all day and I like how you doing he's I mean, still not. It's not great. And I walk by his, like, room at the production office, and I see an open pizza box, like a salad, but there's just little remnants of the feta cheese. And then I'm like, oh, and the basket, a basket of fries.

Yeah. And I'm like, what's that? He was like, it's just what I ate today. I was like, I thought you don't feel good. He's like, I don't. And he's like, I just had some lunch and I still don't feel good. And I'm like, some lunch. Okay.

And so then we have dinner. And he's like, yeah, I got another one of those sounds, but I only ate the cheese off the top. I go, as your stomach's upset? And he's like, yeah. And then they delivered baklava, you know, the baklava. But the pieces of baklava were like this, he's like, I'm just going to have one. And that's it. I'm going to cat myself.

And then the next morning, he goes, if I don't feel better today, I'm going to go see a doctor. And I go, it might be what I've seen you eat since you got sick. And he's like, out of that, man. I don't think it's that. I'm going to get some pancakes and I'm going to fucking see if it solves all this. And I was like, okay. But it's like the power of the mind to just go like, it's not that. It's not the fries and it's not the pizza.

It's something else. How many get some pancakes? See this all settles down. See if this settles down. Dude, I've been sitting there at one point, smoke. smoking a cigarette outside and like looking at my phone be like I think I should I should switch to aluminum-free deodorant yeah like that yeah as you're smoking that that the odor is going to be causing cancer of course yeah Jesus well mr. Tom Segura still trash we love you about to the core

thank God um you got season two of bad thoughts coming out yes comes out um hopefully the movie El Tigray will come out later this year nice yeah and then uh I got to figure out a new hour I'm back to that again where you go uh I don't know how do you do it again like how do you start I don't know I'm just going to wrong guys. I forget how you start. You know when you're like, how do I start? Are you going to go back to what are you going to do? Are you going to do clubs at all?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, just go back and do like weekends somewhere. Yeah, for sure. There you go. Try to figure it out. Find a place that serves breakfast all day long. Fuck out.

Go get some pancakes. Goon and then let it rip, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you guys. Thank you, buddy. We love you. We love you.

We love you. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace.