Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tom Thakkar: Indiana Kid

Episode Date: July 29, 2021

Kippy and Foley are back with Tom Thakkar and this guy is bonkos. Tom tells some wild stories about his family and growing up in Indiana. Its a fun one! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys.  Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage https://www.bettherhelp.com/garbage  Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Holy boncos kids look out the keep it moving tour is adding new dates. We're coming to a city near you Come and see us some stand up and we play a yg at the end of the show with the crowd we answer your garbage questions We've got some trash so far, but I know I know There's deeper garbage out there around the country. Oh, yeah, so come on out and see us kippy Tell them what they need to know. Oh, baby. We're all over the place Providence, Rhode Island august 11th boston, massachusetts august 12th new brunswick, new jersey august 25th down the maters Timothea, maryland mcgooby's august 26th couple of crabs and we're going to tejas, baby

August September 21st will be in san antonio, texas september 22nd will be in houston, texas September 23rd through the 25th austin texas for the moon tower comedy festival And I ain't done yet august 26th will be at four dallas fort worth texas Then we're bringing it back to long island, baby In all uh september 30th, and then we're coming home the boys are cut the chickens are coming home to ruse, baby October 27th, we're going to be in philadelphia, pennsylvania and then back down to tejas Uh november 5th through the 7th for skankfest south get those tickets the link will be in the description Welcome to another exciting edition of

are you garbage The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash Now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast This is r u garbage. It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians And we find if they grow to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash I'm your host h foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at antoni's basement

She's upstairs. Yeah fresh bottle of perks. Oh, yeah got her set till labor day. Wow. Look at that summer of toody There you go. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the ceo of r u garbage ladies and gentlemen He's a goddamn international businessman. So show him some respect. Give it up for kevin james ryan Hey gang happy to be here as always Please make sure you rave of you subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube patreon.com You sign up you get a bunch of bonus content and live shows. I don't know I don't know when this comes out. We they're gonna be a bunch of fucking dates coming out We're gonna be all over the fucking place. So get some tickets to a show

You don't sign a little respect on the on the intro for you. You didn't call me a bozo. It's the end of the month Yeah, I know paycheck time. Yeah, I know mr. Ryan. I'm aware you get real fucking nice around the 22nd of every month Why isn't that patreon's getting ready to process? You're like, oh, mr. Ryan. Do you need a coffee your hair growing in? What's going on? Propecia's working. Okay. How about a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire? He's the magic man former chicago comic recent new york transplant hitting the scene hard Give it up for t-bone mcmuffin toby mcbollen. What up, dude? Hey buddy Oh man, I'm sorry. Are the numbers going down because I think that they're

True to roof. I'm sorry. I forgot you called me slipping. You called me slipping. I got one bit on the show I know toby has one toby has one scripted line and I stole it from him Oh, fuck dude. Hey toby. We're cutting your intro next week Dang, we could not be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time This man is a very funny stand-up comedian podcast or writer and actor You've seen him on conan. You've seen him on this week at the comedy salary the stand-up show with john door And of course he is the host of the amazing podcast stand by your band But the big question but his mind today. Is he garbage? I'm gonna tell you

This guy came in correct. This is a fucking precedent set here Walked in with a truly pineapple mango pounder the big boy. That's bigger than a pounder. I think that's a 20 That's a deuce deuce. Yeah, that's a 24 ounce truly at 2 p.m. I might have it's 230 I want to break. I want to break the fucking fourth wall here. It's the afternoon on a wednesday Or thursday, whatever. It's 245 This guy's got a three liter of white claw in his bag. Can't give it up for tom to car everybody Tommy thanks for having me boys. I was loving your pod. Thanks for doing it I was stunned when you walked in with that. Yeah, I mean stunned. I thought this was a podcast about being garbage

I didn't know you guys were gonna be so fucking friendly still the afternoon on a work week for god's sake I've been wanting to drink more during the podcast to be honest. Yeah, I I was I thought that uh, everybody would be partying I thought certainly toby would be what's this fucking job over there? Come on Pop one baby. I get crazy. Toby's got a bit of a problem. You hear that hippie You hear that hippie you look like a dirt ball. That's what he's saying Oh, you know, some things change chemical addictions happen Yeah, toby straight edge now anybody who's a christian day. Chicago is like My buddy came here and they were like, I don't know whatever he's talking about people in new york drink

And then they realized everybody they were with was from chicago. Yeah I remember well in other cities other than new york when you like you drink a let's part of comedy a lot It's like you go do one set and then you get drunk It's like a big social thing sure and I remember I moved up here and I was like I was a big drinker and I was at the bar and I ordered a pitcher for myself because I'm like It was cheaper than going up and getting beers and I turn around and munro martin and derrick ains were like Who's that for him like me? They're like, you can't be doing this up here. Yeah. I'm like, all right. I'm sorry I thought we were partying. That's what people in chicago. There was a bar

I don't know if it was around when you were doing it, but there used to be an open mic where it was two dollar pitchers And so you would go and you'd go late and it sucked shit, but you were like, I am fucked up. It's a good night I'm a successful comedian. I love that. That was my favorite part Yeah, I'll struggle through five minutes and then 15 beers. Let's go the more you drink the better your career Pitchers are garbage. Yeah off the jump. I agree I'm a big fan now. I agree because they it's gonna go flat faster I like I like a draft or or a bottle. I I love a bottle of high life is maybe It's pretty cold. Yes. Yes. Not wrong what I highly if you get in a pitcher

Most chances are the bar is not clean in the lines. No, it's a plastic fucking. Yes It's always play if you're going nowhere no one's serving a glass pitcher By the way, because if you're drinking pitchers, they're gonna get thrown at some point. You go to a really good chucky cheese They'll throw they'll throw a pitcher of birch beer at you in a glass pitcher I'm a big pitcher guy If you got like four people at a table just like two pitchers at a time and they're going quick If you're like watching a game or something that's fair I still would rather just a bucket of beers if I'm gonna do something like that

That's the mark of a gentleman right there a bucket of beers a bucket of beers is where I like to live Bankers dozen or rolling rocks ponies Fucking ice down. Yeah, the beer tower is the trashiest move. Oh, yeah That's another thing. This is so I grew up in a college town I like that when I grew up. I was like, oh my god. It's it's you're losing money not to drink A beer tower a beer tower. There was like big things like a hundred ounces Yeah, a hundred ounces. They had a hundred ounce craft beer 10 dollars. It's nice being placed in my own town I'm moving to indy. You got to move to you got to move to bloomington indiana, brother

And it's my buddy thought that bloomington miller lights craft beer. Come on. Come on now. Don't come at my home Yeah Coors like we don't take that commie shit over Pay that right now We were at a bowling alley with a tower of beers My buddy was blacked out with his calculator out being like they got to be ripping us off I've done that a lot break out the calculator to make sure the ounces line up. Oh, yeah, half of this is just sprite What's going on? You're doing you're taking inventory like you had one he had two that one's halfway done

They're shorted us nine ounces here again Place like that one things for certain those things have never and will never be washed No, because you would have to do any regard. Yeah, there's not a sink big enough to get that thing They just like, you know, yeah no way Holy shit So give us the complete backstory because I said I was a little in the dark about this thing you mentioned indiana Yes, take it from there. Give us the deets. So i'm from i'm from bloomington indiana. John kooker melentine. That's right. Yeah He piece of shit by the way

Bad reputation bad reputation in bloomington. He's got a bunch of fucking hot chicks. I imagine I mean, he did bring meg ryan, which is weird, but uh love meg ryan. I love meg ryan, too He was dating meg ryan. He's still with meg ryan. I believe johnny kooker. I'm pretty sure They live in bloomington indiana, but he is a bad. He's the type to like not tip well at chilies and shit really? Yeah, and like him there's a story My sister told me this where we have a shoe place in indiana called shoe carnival Clearly not a high-class place. It's but it's where we would go to get our shoes The shoe carnies in town

Is it a year-round store? Yes. Yes. It's not like a car You're walking through like a clown's mouth or something. What's the carnival? It's the only cell clown shoes What size are you little fella? So there's this place called shoe carnival you get to spin a wheel that gives you a discount or something It's it's pretty fun But I holy shit That's trashy if you're buying a car let alone a pair of shoes Yeah, you're spinning the wheel of shoes. Yeah, it's the wheel of shame. They didn't have like nikes. They just had like shack shoes

And she like shack shoes Shack shoes are a tough look. They had the and ones that were like nobody wanted, but I loved it. There were two left shoes So he rolls into shoe carnival, which you're like, you're a fucking celebrity. Cougs did? Coug? Cougs? Cougs and shoe carnival. What are we talking about? We're not talking about 90s 80s, are we? This is uh, probably early 2000s. I want to say maybe late 90s. I I drink a lot of my timeline. No, you know what? Never picked up on that So he rolls in there. He sees a pair of shoes. He wants they don't have it in his size He pulls. Do you know who I am?

At shoe carnival as if they're gonna be like, oh my bad. Let's take you to the celebrity room of shoe carnival Why don't you say something? They have the good shack shoes in the back Well, that attitude is probably why meg ryan left his ass in november 2019 Let's go Hell yeah, meg is on the market back out on the market. I love meg ryan Wow city of angels great movie. Check it out. I remember the quote is it got exhausting for her to deal with If you're meg ryan and you're dating you're with Melon camp he takes you to apple bees. You're like, I did not think this is what it was gonna be

Also, she shouldn't be dating anybody that's shopping at fucking shoe carnival. Yes, you know what I mean? He's a steak. Well done guy too Oh, I'm sure give me some ketchup Give me the ketchup that's already loose. I don't want to have to I don't want to be over here shaking. I'm gonna sell it. Do you know who I am? You bring me the I gotta put a knife in here Darling, give me an open bottle That made me think it's something I lost it. Fuck. It's okay. Hmm. It'll come with the alcohol poisoning It's got wet brain over here. I've been living loose brother

My lady was out of town for two weeks. That'll get you I've had that happen and you're just like saying my lady's trash Damn, this guy's hitting all cylinders It's a cowboy. What motorcycle can you? That's fancy in indiana. That's good Old ladies are trash. My lady's all over me. Yeah I don't like pop for dad bothers I'm like, who what are you doing? That's why I didn't have a dad because then you don't have to worry about sounding trashy

This guy's playing chess over here Everybody else is figuring out what to call their dad. He just eliminates the problem. All right. Give us a scoop Uh, so born in bloomington in indiana. No dad. I picked up on that Slipped it in read that between the lines I had a stepdad, but not a you know, he wasn't like a good person So he was like he was the get drunk and stand in the yard with a gun for a while type of guy I just want to stand out here with the gun What was oh my god, I do this uh, I do a bit about your chin straps on

Put your seatbelts. I don't know where to start because it's like well, we're in it now We're in it. Yeah. I just it's there's no beginning. So I was born on a tuesday Shoe carnival was a good place to start. That was a good intro. Uh, all right. So you're Stepdad, what ages were you when he would do so? I was like so I he came around when I was like two He was new he was because my parents were never married. My my father was an indian man who Went to prison shortly after I was okay, wait pinning the stepdad. Why did he go to prison? I don't want to get too into it. Okay, fair enough. It's a lot of shit that uh, My mom prefers me not to talk about I think

Totally Not a great person, but uh, you know, he he didn't want to be a dad I was half white. He was like embarrassed by that and then my white family was like He's happy about me. They're like, he's half indian. He's a bitch This two-year-olds a pussy So my stepdad comes in uh, pretty much immediately. He's like he's around. He's a booze bag No brothers and sisters. I have five brothers and sisters, but they're all weird They're all over the place. My mom had kids when she was 13. So holy shit. So, uh, that's my older sibling

Can we release this? Legally, can we get any trouble? Please tell me please tell me their dad was a 13-year-old He was No, that's questions. You're not ready. You're not ready to hear the answer for This might have to be a patreon Oh, no, no, no. Hold on. Let's just slow it down a little bit. So Dude, what I say we speed it up

I this kid came in throwing the fucking 101 out of the gate. You were like, you were like, I want to hear a whole backstory I was like, I don't think you do We we also Juke it in the corner. I've also legit forgot about the stepdad getting drunk and saying it in the front yard Oh, yeah. All right. Just just so I have my time. Let's say you're two years old now Are there other kids already in the house? So there are but they're already kind of like I mean, my brother was somebody who ran away from the house when he was like 13 to he like every character They get introduced. We go off on another day

Yeah, I feel like we're all going to get tattoos by the end of this Yeah, they're uh, they're all over the place, but my My sister was still in the house. I shouldn't have uh belched into the mic I think it's already answered if I'm trash or whatever The rest is Formalities, I don't know you that well. I just thought you're like a nice clean guy. So did I have a good guy? Yeah, of course. I just yeah, I didn't expect this. Yeah, that's correct. You carry yourself at least from, you know A bit of distance as a nice refi, you know, holy

Subdued man. This is bonkers. Are you guys in a house or an apartment? We're in a house. We're in a house Oh, we're in an apartment actually when I was really little and then when I was about four we moved to the woods What? Let me catch my breath. Yeah, we moved to like a little like kind of farmer area where we were like Yeah, in the country or whatever out of the suburbs of indiana Like a place you go now and it's like trump 2020 flags everywhere, you know, okay Uh, because it's like I said, it's a college now, but we were not in that part. Um, so we're the college. Yeah Yeah, no no no correspondence courses going on

Uh, yeah, it's uh, it's it's a weird area But so I had older siblings still kind of around but then I became the oldest one in the house pretty quick And then I had uh, three younger siblings with the stepdad that two with the stepdad one adopted Okay, so you're so your mom and stepdad adopted a kid. Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Was it was it for tax purposes? No, no, but uh, there are other people in my family where I could say, okay. All right. All right chicken sandwich Um Sonja bitches Those fucking guys on mockingbird lane

Don't sell side to cars She didn't hear it from me Oh my god, all right nuts. So that's the that's basically the the nuclear family at the time of your growing up It's you me is like the older brother and then I have uh, three Just recently referred as a nuclear family Things a spider web of trash nuclear like Like fucking blast zone

Fuck it. We're not talking about to be on mama dad at 2.5 kids with a picket fence We're talking about woods people dad dad arrives home from work around five o'clock and the kids are playing in the front yard Okay Okay, dude. I'm fucking what did your mom do? What did your stepdad do? So when I was a kid my mom worked at red lobster That's why we were in bloomington. She managed to red lobster. She was damn good at it too Is your family crest a switchblade in the bud light? No, we were a natural light family sir Bud light. What do we what do we fucking one percenters?

He just said my mom worked at a red lobster. That's why we were in bloomington I thought I go. Oh, maybe the corporates there or something. You gotta go with it She just still worked at a branch. You gotta go with the cheddar biscuits. Oh, you know what? She had to move for red lobster They were like it's either you move or you gotta you're fired. Is that true or like she they were like we're opening this branch We want you to manage it. She was a man. She became a manager. They actually make these they did all right She would work shifts though and she my mom is a hustler and she's a she's a nurse practitioner now She like truly is like a miracle of a story because she had kids when she was 13

That's nice came from a huge family worked her way out of poverty. Nice. That's what I love. It's fantastic. I was like in college That's fucking amazing. Thank god. We got a break. Yeah, I didn't know where the silver lining Holy shit Yeah, so so she started working at the hospital as a kid. She's like Working like 60 70 80 hours a week getting it done done making sure we have food no mouths and shit Because my stepdad was a fucking dumbass. I'm like he was he worked in an oil change place that was next to the red lobster Which I think is how they met I don't ask a lot of questions. Sure. Sure. It's pretty hot That's that's like a John Cougar song

That's a 5% tip at the red lobster We check really working on the pipes That's a fucking America's Got Talent. I'm a huge John Cougar fan. I want to say that right now We're going on the record Despite his his poor gratuity habits And ill manners at the shoe carnival. I think I think Jack and Diane was the first song. I remember remembering Does that make sense the hell is that me? Do I mean what the fuck remember remembering you remember that you're in the matrix, brother this inception

No, like that was like the first song I remember hearing. Yeah My first memory of music was that all right. Yeah, I'm memorizing that Okay, this guy's judging me All right, um Do you see why I had to bring a beer? I thought I'm upset you didn't bring six. I grossly underestimated. I love it. Holy cat. All right. So then you're Nurse your mom's a nurse practitioner at this point now. Yeah to find what he said that happened in college though Oh, that happened. Yes. They

She's she becomes a nurse when I was like maybe seven or something like that. Okay, she starts Yeah, she starts working. She's doing she's doing good stuff, but step dad's not doing anything He is a oil change guy. He's working still working there. We still yeah, but uh, you know, he's he's home a lot She's not are they together still now? They are okay. Okay Yeah, like so again, can't get too sure just just trying to just trying to see Yeah, of course Um, all right. So then where does it come in that he gets drunk and stands in the front yard

That was about a once a month thing because he would get drunk all the time But uh, he I couldn't do shit at night It would if I wanted to like play basketball like on the team or whatever one I would got cut But also I couldn't do it because I he would have to be my ride and he was like I can't drive at night But he said it was his vision. It's like no, you were hammered. Yeah, it was it was the 13 schlitz Like when he took he taught me to drive and he was like you're driving too suspiciously because he had a beer He had a beer in the car. Oh, you got a swirl a little bit. He's like you're driving to let him know you're not You're going the speed limit. It's suspicious around here. You know, it's like a country road

He's like if they see you doing that you're gonna get pulled over and then I'm fucked Holy shit What does that do to the psychology of a driver when you learn to drive drink truly the 215 We have a pull bank job. You're the wheel man Gang this podcast is brought to you by our good friends at better help. Oh, yeah Better help want you to take care of your mental health. We want you to take care of your mental health That's why if you use better help They can evaluate you and they can assign you a professional license therapist that you could be talking to

Within 48 hours from the privacy of your own home Listen guys, we're all little boncos. Everybody knows that you got to talk to somebody. You know what I mean I started I started talking to somebody it helps a lot and with better help You can start communicating under 48 hours. It's not a crisis hotline. It's not a self-help hotline It's professional counseling done securely online There's a broad range of expertise available. Uh, that may not be available locally If you're in a small town or whatever you can get the help that you need It's available to clients worldwide. Whoo. So for our, uh, you know our foreign listeners

You can get in on that that good old american health care. There you go It's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available if you need it better help Want you to start living a happier life today? You can visit the website read the testimonials the whole nine yards Um, but if you visit betterhelp.com slash garbage, that's better help H-e-l-p And join over the one million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional Uh, in fact, so many people are using better help to recruiting. Um counselors in all 50 states. There you go I'm even Alaska in hawaii, baby. They're growing. I mean

Uh, special offer for are you garbage listeners? You get 10 off your first month. There you go I ain't talking one week. I ain't talking one time. I'm talking your whole month. They want you to get better Who doesn't so go to better health comm slash garbage. Yeah high school. What was that like? Oh, man, it sucked I was thinking about it. I didn't think it was going to be like saved by the bell Yeah, it turns out that sort of background doesn't make you a social butterfly Nobody relates to your weird stories And my stepdad would like make me listen to his fucking music all the time he'd get drunk He'd be like you got to hear this song

He'd have me up to like three in the morning because he's like partying But he doesn't have any friends. He's partying with you. Yeah. I'm the I'm the guy who's like He's like thanks for having fun But he's like you got to listen to he got me into like journey and acd and shit That's pretty good. The other kids at school didn't give a fuck about that. Like I remember the teacher was like you guys probably haven't heard a journey And I was like I raised my hands like I like I got tickets next month Yeah

Listen to them last night in the kitchen at 4 a.m All right Holy fuck single family home Apartment you said uh, then we moved into a house. Yeah, you're in a house. So we yeah We moved into a house when I was like five or something like that. Okay timeline's hazy I was a booze bag as a kid and that was the woods house or no I didn't start drinking till I was like 22 No, I guess I started I didn't really started having drinks till I was like 22 23 because I had a

I went through a broken engagement when I was 22 and then I just I decided I was like I'm gonna be Like in a movie. I'm gonna live like a movie character who gets out of a bad relationship and just start drinking whiskey Yeah, and I made myself like it now. It's uh, you know the problem Um, you got engaged at 22 I got engaged when I was 21 22 high school sweetheart. Uh, no, it was uh college Slash co-worker that I was uh, what was the job? I worked at the hospital When I was 18 I moved out and I got a job at the hospital that my mom worked at Okay, the emergency department as like an insurance like I would get people's insurance information in the hospital and uh So we met while I was doing that and I like I lost a bunch of weight. I got my confidence up

I was living alone. I you know, I started doing comedy and uh, and so I met this girl and uh, we yeah She moved to Ohio We got engaged when I graduated I moved to Ohio to live with her and it fell apart immediately It was it was crashed and burned so fast because she was in med school And I'm just an asshole driving to columbus, oh, hi to do open mics every night. You know, right? Yeah, it was uh, Uh, where'd you go to school? Did you go to india? I went to IU? Yeah. Yeah, I went to the school in my hometown Because it was cheaper, you know india university. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yep Okay, nice little school and you graduated. I graduated. Okay. Just check in just checking

I did it. I think I was the first like I was the first like member of my like local like my family to to graduate from college. Wow I probably first want to get into yeah or apply. I think at that matter. It doesn't really get stiff competition Yeah, what the fuck? You were number one two and three in your class um What'd you get on your sat's? That's a good because so I did sat's when they were doing that goofy shit where you had to do the handsay It was like, yeah or 2400 or something. Uh 24. Yeah, you're right. Yeah

16 to 24 I I did all right. Yeah, I was I was a good student as a kid I was trying to go to med school and then I you know got sucked into comedy And so uh, the more I did comedy. I was like, there's no fucking way. No way that could happen. Yeah be a doctor, but uh Yeah, I did all right. I think I got like if it not counting that essay thing I think I got like a 1200 or something like that. That's pretty good. Not bad. That's good. GPA in high school. High It was pretty high. It wasn't like a four, but it was like 3.7 or some shit like that What schools did you apply to?

Only are you only are you because I didn't I want and done, huh? I'm cheap like I didn't want Goddamn I hate I hated the idea of having debt Like I didn't want to have to take out a bunch of loans and shit and like I had some child support money left over I only got one child support payment from my my father. Who was a doctor? He gave us one sum of money just to be like, all right, that's it. That's all you're getting and it was low When you were young and uh, he it was right before I turned 18 We because we had to hunt it down It was 10 grand for my entire childhood. Okay, and we just put that towards college. Nice. Yeah

All right, step dad didn't grift it on you. That's cool What are you doing with that money, Tom? He's all hopped up on oil, who knows He's all 10 w 20 in the veins just out of curiosity raised any religion catholic christian We tried catholic my my tries a ride out catholic The problem is like, I don't know if this is what it is, but I've kind of speculated So my mom had been divorced already, you know, she had kids My my also I had a bad history with religion right off the bat because my stepdad's mom was our babysitter

And I wasn't baptized and I was a bastard child. I was born out of wedlock. She was like you're going to hell Like you're a bastard child. So I was like immediately like, well, I guess fuck me Yeah, what are you talking about? I got nothing to lose Hey honey, how about some dunkaroos in the Jetsons? It was never a moment where it was like and you can get out she was like, I mean you should probably get baptized Maybe that'll help. I don't know So we went to catholic church, but we uh, we didn't fit in and then when I was like 16 I started going to baptist church because I played basketball with a bunch of

Baptists and they sucked me in they were like They were like, we got to play basketball in the baptist church like in the league and like I was a fat kid I couldn't make my high school team. So I was like hell. Yeah, I could finally play and then just one night They were like, we gotta talk to you, buddy. Uh, have you been saved? And I was like, god damn it I just wanted to play basketball And then I did that for two years and then uh bailed you were baptized. I did get baptized. Yeah. Yeah Now you're in indiana you do that in the river or we did it in the church. Yeah, there was just a tub In our church. I fucking hated this place

It was like a tang it was like a it was like a You only get salvation if I can hit this target. I got five tickets Put your goldfish in there with you We only got one tank Yeah, so I did get baptized when I was like when I was like 17. Yeah, that's so weird to think of too. That's a that's a Yeah, that's that's a weird thing I don't know about that Oh, man, I apologize. No, this should have been lighter. No, what are you talking about? This is the fucking meat of it

I just I think this is our super bowl I just also think that our perspective of because we're you know, we know each other, you know from comedy and stuff like that But we're not super tight and so I was like our outside perspective view was not this well I don't I don't I talk a little bit about it on stage But not I like touch on it because this is the fucking thing that's annoying about stand-up Because I like a lot of people's like, oh my childhood we drank water at the creek and it's like funny when I tell stories sometimes It's so real. Yeah, it's crazy. I don't want to fucking hear this shit. I'm trying to I'm trying to eat a chicken wing in the front row of a comedy club. I don't want to hear this shit people crying

Holy shit, oh god. All right. All right. I want to get into some Or do you want to do some more background? I don't know I mean, I don't When I want to I want to go back to one thing. When did the woods house come into play? Is that the house right out of the that was out of the apartment into the woods Okay, yep into the woods. What kind of gun did he have out in the front yard? He had a pistol and it was always this thing of like there was a vague threat that he was gonna use Against who any of us

He pointed at me before yeah, and I have a bit about this is I have a bit about That I don't need slapper You guys know when you're hanging out and your stuff that pulls a gun on you That I I have a bit about how I don't like guns because and it's true. There was a time when uh He made me shoot it with him which sounds fun except for it was in It was just us standing outside of the woods Shooting at the woods because he was mad. It's like there's people like we don't know if there's Shooting a mystery bullets

The big idea was like because it's like Indiana. It's like even if it hit a guy, he'd just be like, oh, that's the price of freedom He's just like That's what I get for being around Did he have a collection of guns just one gun? I don't know one gun. Yeah One that's a lot scarier. That's more. Yeah. Yeah. So he wasn't a hunter. Oh, no Hunter of humans gather. He could never got one berry Um, yeah, is there anything else before we move on to the questions? This is because this is what I'm thinking. I don't I don't know where to go

So you tell us is there anything else you think we need to know? That's a good question because it's so it's so broad that I I think I think that's probably it I think that gives us a good picture. Yeah, there's so much stuff that I like came in like, oh, that's something But then it's like not childhood related but I I do a lot of dirtbag shit in my adult life But yeah as a kid it's like that's I think that covers most of it Did you guys eat at the red lobster a fair amount now? That was still like kind of a luxury But yeah, some one of the first meals I remember is those cheddar bay biscuits You know

Did you ever hang out at the red lobster While your mom was working like were you like a work? No, although I think I do remember us going there for dinner and then they were short and then her getting up and going to work Holy she would take whatever she could get I respect that though. She's a hustler. Yeah, and now she's a nerk fresh conditioner. She's doing well Yeah, she's doing kind of mellowed a little bit in there older. Oh, you know getting older Yeah, I mean she still works the fuckload and she has her own house I just meant like with the guns and then oh, I don't know. I like I don't fuck with that guy

Look, I don't like I try to keep my distance. I looked at he he his facebook popped up on my That guy's facebook is probably boncos and it was like live in bloomington, but I'm not a liberal Yeah, bloomington's hyper liberal really bloomington is uh Was like voted the number one like most gay friendly city in the world in like the early 2000s And it's like some people really like that and when I go back It's like I hang out in the part of town that's like that And then but the the other half of the town is not like that at all Like it's it's like when I was a kid our main hangout was walmart

Like that's the sort of town that I grew up in and then the city part is like Super liberal. There's like sweaters on the trees and shit like It's it's all knickknacks and shit like it's all like little knickknack stores. Yeah, like antiques and shit like that Yeah, it's like a it's an economy. Well, that sounds like mother's day, you know Oh shit. All right, did they still live in that same house? So he does she has her own house, but they're still uh, like I said, that's some shit I don't want to do too much because that's their shit. All right Then we'll go we'll go with the do you remember the street name of the apartment that you were born in?

Ooh, it was uh, it was like a it was a complex for you know, I think it was like controlled rent sort of shit And it was called park slope Park slope. What was the street that it was on that? I cannot remember maybe highland park or something like that What the fuck was that street? That doesn't sound too bad too bad name of it. It was They named shit like that so that it doesn't sound like oh, you might you have a 30 chance of dying in this neighborhood Not gonna graduate lane Straight bullet street. All right, you pushed it

I'll go up from street. You can't go back to street. He was giving me a look to like I'm gonna go for it That's a classic age foley line doesn't know when to get out in slow motion. Look at toby watch You were like me with gamestop. It's like we gotta get out Pushed one too many. I apologize Um, okay. What was the name of the grocery store that your mom went to growing up kroger And I worked at that grocery store kroger. Nothing wrong with it. What did you do a kroger bagged groceries and push carts And they thought I know like I get all this shit, but I people in indiana thought I was mexican I'm half indian sure my father, but like uh, they thought I was mexican and they were like you're mexican

You go push the carts. So yeah, it was crazy Jesus I Know he's experienced racism guns pulled on him. He should be telling us this on a bench somewhere wait for a bus We're both crying I try to walk the country, but I only I just keep doing loops around phoenix Sitting next to a millionaire Holy fuck. All right. Um

Yeah, at first the pounder seemed fucked up, but now it seems responsible This is my medicine I'm happy. It's not a fifth of fucking, you know grandpappy. This is like this is like the first season of true detective Where matthew mcconaughey was just sitting there crushing loan stars That's what I feel like's going on right now. We're not a lot of smoking here, but I'll let you See boys want to talk about garbage, huh? On your cute little I should have just been dead eyed into the camera the entire time. I mean, oh, I'll tell you about garbage

Also, the questions I have like how many times a week do you floss? I didn't I thought I was gonna have to be digging for some stuff Did that okay? I apologize. No, I'll do this is I just have to switch gears a little bit We're just upset we're gonna have to make room in the hall of fame for you Yeah, we're gonna have to extend the trophy case. This guy is fucking too serious I mean literally one of my questions. Do you ever wear a hard rock cafe t-shirt? Oh, I wish I was I came in playing ping-pong this guy's fucking

We didn't go on vacation. So what did it what did it to car? We went to florida one time. We went to disney world. It was a fucking nightmare because we we went for what do you mean? I can't bring my gun in here Your dad's fighting mickey We stayed at uh, we stayed at like a motel on the way down. It was like in a no down. We drove I didn't fly till I was in my 20s I do now, but I had to get it like I had to get it to do montreal I never that was like one of the first times I flew. So, uh, yeah, I had to

Are we gonna be okay? Nothing is happening What in the sir, we're still at the gate. You want to relax? Oh No, I yeah, we went to we went to Orlando to go to disney world. What was the car you drove down into you remember? Yeah, it was an astro van. It was uh, all two daddies I'm caught on record month. That's the trashiest car of all time. The astro buddy. We thought it was sick when we got Oh

Because most of my life or most of my childhood we had been driving around and my mom's beat up Honda Civic and it was it had a man who has those astro fans think they always smell like eggs It did smell bad Was it new at the time? It was not new my mom. We wouldn't well now my no, we would never buy a new car That's that's you're just losing money immediately You look it loses, uh 80 percent of its value the second you touch it That's such a trashy. Yes. I know such a such a dirt ball metro He didn't buy the astro van for the family trip. Did you not for the trip?

It was because well, we my mom had a kid when she was like 40 Like didn't know she could still have a kid and then we were like fuck. We need a we need more room car Yeah, we're gonna need a bigger van. Oh my god, but uh Yeah, we drive down there and that everybody hates each other by the time we get there Man, I was 11. All right. Uh, I was in my like smart ass age I'd been watching a lot of like boy meets world and I was like I got a great program sharp tongue now I had a wit, you know, and so I would say little smart ass things that pissed my family off And uh, and so the whole time we're fighting we stay in this hotel that has roaches on the walls when we get in there

And we're like we had to change hotels in the middle of the night because we're just like this is they're crawling on us It's fucked up. Oh my god So we go to a best western and we're like this is incredible. They have a pool We were that family the ones ruining the pool Just the trash family who doesn't like nobody wants them there, of course, but luckily it's everyone's in jeans I really have to take your shoes off in the hot tub. These are my swimming shoes Uh, this is my swimming denim. I don't want my feet getting wet I don't want any part of my skin touching this water

and see my toes But I'm just different because the one family member was just like I just got to dip my head in and I'm good They're in there with a bottle of shampoo I'm just rinsing off darling, but we went to disney where there was like this big thing We were looking forward to it the whole week It rains the whole day we're there for like two hours and then we were supposed to go the next day And my stepdad did what it goes and we just went to Daytona beach Which was it was fun, but that's the only vacation we ever went on. I'm sorry. Was the vacation two days

There's two days. You're joking. No, we drove you drove from Indiana to drive So I have had to do it in adulthood. It's I want to say it's like a 16 hour drive It took us two days to get there Wait, you drove two days to a vacation that was going to be two days long and then drove and then drove back two days back Yep You drove two days to go on vacation for two days and then drove two days back You didn't even stay at the place you were supposed to go on vacation for the two days No, and then drove to Daytona beach. Yep. Here. Are you garbage?

Dude he is the class is trying to hit me Damn, maybe you should drink water But I was I was never a kid that went we didn't go to disney world I mean we wanted to we would have our cousins went something like that, but it was just never It was just not going to happen. Yeah, and so some of this might be a little bit of that biasness, but I really think This is nothing against a disney corporation Marvel entertainment or any of its subsidiaries, but disney world Can really go wrong because yes expectation. There's so much on the table. Yes, so much on the table a lot of money

Money at stake and it's just filled with trash. It is. It's bad. It's just bad. I've been recently I've been recently. Oh, you went recently. Yeah, my my my mom And stepdad took all the grandkids. We have they have six nieces and f's so she take she took all the grandkids And I went probably four years ago. It is Yeah, getting drunk and Epcotting ain't nothing to put your nose up at. That's something I would do now I went to disney land right before the pandemic like two weeks. That's in california because I was out there for a little bit And uh, yeah, it's like we were like, maybe it'll be like kind of dead because it was like right when covid When people were starting to talk about it. It was before the nba got canceled

But we were like, maybe people will be scared and then it was Packed and like really took forever to do anything. It's not my type of spot like I'm not a ride guy and I like the rides. I don't like a thrill There's not much there for me. Yeah, I like all that stuff. It's just there's just something about like the anxiety that's created You know what I mean for me everything I do and this is I wish I could shake this But everything I do I'm like am I getting my money's worth like it was really pounded into me as a kid Like we got to get our money's worth Like when we would go to the buffet if you didn't eat like five plates

It's like you're wasting the meal like You're wasting money to not eat as much as you can. You're wasting money If you don't get as many rides or whatever you're waiting the wrong line for too long You're like, well, shit. We could have just done this one later when it dies down Like that's sort of and it's always wanted to go on the swings. Yeah. Yeah, it's always in my head Like so I the whole time I'm like, well this ticket was 85 dollars and the parking was whatever am I am I having enough? What's an experience that you think is worth the money that is a that's a good question Anytime I go to a baseball game. I'm like that was worth it. You buy the cheap seats and sneak down

Always always but although I was just in phoenix and I I fucked because I used to do this in Chicago all the time I would jog I would go I go I go to baseball games alone all the time because it's like I don't have a day job So it's like when they have day games. I'll just go and have you know a couple drinks and like But I jog there and I was always I would always buy scalp tickets like that It's second inning or whatever. Yeah, and I would get you know, 30 dollar Like first base three rows back seats And I tried to do that in phoenix this weekend because I was like, there's no fucking way anybody I'm sorry to time this so I'll we can change it around

I was just in the curtain has been pulled back I was I was in phoenix this weekend and uh the cubs were in town I'm a cubs fan sure and I was like, oh hell yeah, and it was game five of the nba finals in phoenix I was like nobody's gonna be there. I'm gonna be living large the place is fucking back with cubs With cubs fan, yeah, and I it still it cost me like 50 bucks to get a decent seat and I was like But again fully worth it. Yeah, I love I love that Uh What else is totally worth it? That's a good question. I don't know that anything is

Jesus christ, I don't know about 48 99 You know what's worth it? Uh the playstation five is uh Because that I like something like that where it's like I can just sit here and waste my entire life You can you you can build up out. It's not it's not it's not it's infinite. Yeah, like it's like whatever you put into it You're like it's an all you can eat buffet that you never have to leave. Yep. Just get damaged goods, man Whereas uh, you know, disney world. That's a strip club dance, you know the whole time you're like the time is counting down Ticket runs out. What's a typical? What's a typical family buffet? It's at the car house I mean we would my me and my mom would go to a chinese buffet is like our number one thing

We would be like because there was a chinese buffet that opened in my town that had crab legs And that was like we was camp out. We could that change to my life That was like our thing we would go and uh, just wait for the crab legs to come out and it was like heaven heaven We weren't like a golden corral family really but chinese buffets And I loved I love chinese buffets take on american food too Or it's like it's just like a piece of pizza and a birthday cake and they're like you're american And I loved that shit. It was like right up my alley That is that is what is worth it

That is what is worth it to circle back to you That is always worth it is like I also love like a not a benihana. What's the place like habachi habachi grills That I mean I was on the fence before what i'm joking Jesus christ um Okay, do you have any pets growing up? We had a dog and we had to give it away because my stepdad kept beating it beer and like My mom was like we can't have this happen And then we got dogs when I was a little older and then my mom has dogs now

Hold on. Well, I'm sorry to interrupt you. Yeah, how old were you when you gave away the first dog? That was I was like five and I was fucking devastating. I love that dog I love the dog and my stepdad would be like He's an asshole animals. Fucking hate him. It's so funny. We every dog we ever got would just growl at him I kind of get that too. So funny I think if I ever meet him, I'll be growling at him But uh, you should be a cia assassin I mean, we all agree on that right? Yeah, yeah, I think uh, I've every therapist I've had and I burned through them

They always quit on the spot. They like throw the folder down. Fuck you But uh, they're always like, uh, if you didn't have a good mom, you would be dead You'd be dead or murdering people. Yeah. Yeah, you would you would have been the worst doctor to ever live Yep, you would have been drinking a white claw like I don't know man. Your shit's fucked up Yeah, your shit is all fucked up. We're gonna make the first incision here Uh, oh, I miffed that. I'd say miff a lot I'll eat a mulligan on this one, boys Do over do over

Somebody somebody tweaked the fentanyl. I need a neuralizer over here. This guy can remember a goddamn thing Oh, man. Okay. You gave the dog away So but then we we got uh, we and we had yard cats Like we had all these cats that would just be in our yard and we would throw food At all our leftovers we go to them. So they were kind of our pets But no, they were not your pets. Yeah, and I never heard like pet them or anything I've never heard the phrase yard cat. No. Yeah. Yeah We had yeah, we had cats that would just roam the area and we would uh, we'd feed them

So they'd be hanging out out there all the time yard cats. Yeah We had we had like turtles we would find turtles in the road and put them in a you know, kiddie pool in our basement That's a good time in your basement Pay them to fight. I think that's a pretty Place bets on them. That's for some reason that was like a common thing and I heard you're not supposed to do that But uh in adult age, but you know, I was a kid. I didn't know But yeah, we would you just see a turtle in the road It was getting run over a billion times and then you're like, all right, I guess we'll put you in the kiddie pool

Fill it with beer. Why would you have a kiddie pool in the basement? That's a good question. My step dad Did this weird shit No, I yeah, why did we have a kiddie pool in the basement? I don't think it was set up the whole time That's a that's a good one. Catch it and then fill it because we would put the kiddie pool on the on the uh On the porch when it was hot or whatever. Okay. We were just gonna leave it outside the yard. We weren't that bad You didn't have a regular pool. I assume. Oh, no No, my my step dad's mom had one My step dad's mom had an above ground pool. Nice and uh, that was like when she got that

It changed our lives. We were like, uh in it all the time and uh, it got pretty gross She was always like the one who would like do shit My mom didn't want us to have because she was like it's dangerous. She worked at the hospital She would like everything no trampolines or anything. This is we had it. She this is a huge I've been doing I hate that I'm not trying to do my bit But like I have a bit about this because my mom so vehemently didn't want us to get a trampoline because she she worked at the hospital So anything we wanted to do she'd be like, I see kids coming in here. You're all fucked up Like you can't have this you can't have that because she would see she was like you never ride a motorcycle

Uh, you don't get a trampoline pools. She would just see kids get fucked up from them. So, uh, she uh, my My step dad's mom was like these kids are too shallow. They don't they need a trampoline They don't have anything, you know, and so when we were kids we had this shit And so this lady told you you're going to hell, right? Yes. Okay, and so she gets cares about a broken arm He's fucking spent an eternity in fucking hell About a neck brace or a lip He might as well live it up now young man because you're gonna be cooking So she gets us a trampoline day one because it's not the one that has like the net around

Well, the nets the nets didn't come around until like early that's new tech mid mid mid 2000 So this was just a trampoline in the woods like truly in the woods It was like a clearing that we had it immediately my brother I'm watching him do this. He starts to float away from the he's hopping on he's going really high He starts to float away and then just catches the side of the trampoline and breaks his leg immediately And my my grandma my step-grandma hadn't told my mom she got the trampoline and then had to call her and be like

You're not gonna be happy. Yeah, that's yeah. Listen. I got a trampoline. It gets worse Dude once alabama gets the internet you're gonna be the biggest comic on the planet Yeah, yeah What'd you say I said they think I'm condescending when I tell these stories because I'm not telling them like Hey, remember how fun that was? What were the names of the pets? What was the pet that that guy Nicholas was the dog that got taken away. Oh my god. Nicholas. I know it's not I didn't I don't think I named him That'd be weird, but now when I think of it. I think of the Swanson bit. We're like Nicholas

Which would have made sense Nicholas then we had like sissy Which is a true hillbilly dog true trash. Yeah sissy Uh, daisy is one now. What are they? They're a rocky. I named one lucky Uh, who did not that's a car house. He did not die in a lucky way Drunk driving I told him I was like give me your keys Well, you know these dogs don't listen, you know He just said

The cop is like who let the dogs That sucked No, I like it anything. I'll do the good to let the dog out reference. Come on. Yeah, I like it Really fast just a quick aside. I know Please no. Yeah Did you know that this is a safe space the floor is yours Did you know that about this recently who let the dogs out is is like a horrific song because it's a it's not about dogs at all It's about ugly women in a party. Yeah

Ugly women walking into a party and they're like who let the dogs out It's because it's like you're at a party the rhythm was jumping and like they set the stage and then just be like then these ugly Horses show up It's so it's such a mean thing. Yeah, it's such a silly song. I know that was huge the kids were singing it Yeah, yeah, it's like if all star was about just like All right, let's see you double join it I am double jointed. Yeah, that's weird that yes that how did you know? Yeah, look at that That was like a point of pride. Yeah, all your fingers go back. Yeah

I remember being like this is cool trick. I have as a kid just a true freak. So yeah, high school wasn't great I was the kid who was like, I'm double jointed and I can juggle Double join is a tough luck. Um Anyone in your family ever evolved in a class action lawsuit? Ooh, that's a good question. Have they I don't think I don't think so. I don't believe I don't remember them ever talking about anything like that because my That is something that I could see them chasing after but yeah I don't uh, I don't think anybody I'm sure I have cousins

Have dabbled in or attempted to get into the client pool. Yeah. Oh, yeah Have you or any member of your family ever hired a private investigator for any reason? No, no, no not a private investigator. Actually kind of yes I said that and immediately had to take it back because that's how we found my father We had to find we had to track my father down to get child support. And so it was kind of like that It was a private investigator. I didn't think of it like that at the time. But yeah, that's what it was Sometimes you gotta track your dad down He's somewhere my god made dog the bounty hunter. Am I right?

Uh anyone in your family own their own bowling ball No, we did actually when I was a kid. Yes my stepdad had one but that didn't travel that didn't We weren't a family that like went out and did shit like that. Yeah, we we maybe went bowling once when I was a kid But that was like not yeah, we didn't do shit. We just we watched tv and movies. That was like our that was our recreational time Okay, watch duke's the hazard in dallas That was our fun That's I was the kid at school trying to talk about dallas

Nobody wanted to have it. I I sounds crazy. I just started rewatching it over the pandemic Still kind of holds up. Really? It ain't bad. I gotta I'm gonna rewatch this as a kid It was like the first soap opera-y type thing I got into now Who would watch because I was me and my stepdad would stay up and watch it because it was on like nicked It was like the repeat. It was like, you know And it was like they would show them in order and it was like the first time my mom was like, all right You can stay up because it was on at like 10. So I and that started a

A long trajectory of me not going to bed at night. I would just watch tv until I passed out and then uh Yeah, because I got a tv in my room eventually But yeah, that was the first thing that's like, all right, you can stay up if you're watching dallas You're gonna enjoy the fine artistic stylings of dallas You gotta stay up. We gotta let this boy watch dallas watching dallas with your stepdad. He smoked. Did he smoke? Yeah, like that guy in the house In the house. Yeah, it was a thing. I remember there was like a turning point

In my childhood where I was like, oh the smoke's not bothering me anymore I remember because he would smoke in the living room and the living room was just down the hall from my bedroom So, you know how smoke travels and I would just be up at night like And then eventually I was like, I can I'm fine one floor house. Yes Uh, well, we had a we had a basement garage actually But it wasn't like we had an upstairs bedroom situation The living room was that and then the basement was like just my stepdad area to go tinker around What kind of cigs did he smoke? Do you remember? He smoked marl marlboro lights. Oh a channel

Now take back everything I said about the guy. He drank natty light. Everything was light. Yeah, so he was healthy Hey, he's kind of a fitness freak Real helpful that I it looks funny is like I I can't imagine being an adult like You know, I like I work out and stuff my stepdad the only thing I would ever see him do that was exercise Is he had a john deere tractor and sometimes he would just Like pull it up just to prove that he was just to prove that he was still strong. Oh my god. Hey dad. I still got it A couple of food questions. Yes pack your lunch in the high school or buy lunch

It it went uh event. I started buying lunch. Uh, I think that was like an upgrade in our Finances at some point where I was able to buy lunch because for a long time I was a lunchable kid and then really Yeah, I would do lunchables and then what was the other thing we would have my mom would just pack like a turkey sandwich and uh an amount and do And uh a mountain. Yeah, and we would have those like a mountain do I would have mountain Have you listened to anything this guy said? I'm not kidding. We did not drink water at all. That was a lot of the 90s That was yeah, that's thank you. Okay, so it's not I remember being like people drinking water

I'm like this is what I'm doing my cousins. It was only water at dinner. Yeah, dude. It was brutal crazy I didn't start drinking water to like four years ago. Yeah. No, I'm the same Because I was like who would do that and then seltzers kind of like was my gateway drug to seltzers. All right, but I've never Met or known or seen any kid In the entire time that I went to school. Yeah, or if ever even heard of any child Getting a mountain do really? No. Yeah, we would have cans of can of so can of coke Maybe yeah cans of mountain dew and I remember there was a big Point in our I bet this happened when you guys were kids too

Where they came out with like if you drink mountain dew it makes your penis small yellow five and yellow six There it is. So I didn't know that That's how they got me Let's start a class action lawsuit. So that's what happens. I'm screwed Uh Myth or whatever I heard was the lodger sperm count yellow five and yellow six I remember being like a fucking eight-year-old. Yeah, I gotta lay off this stuff Meanwhile to hit puberty for another 12 years

Just 22 I was so embarrassed by because I heard that they said it made your penis smaller in my school And so I would have my school make the principle comes over the air Uh, today's tuesday october 12th and stay away from mountain dew. You get a little pee pee Isn't it funny how it shit traveled like that when you're we didn't have the internet when I was like Of course, it's word of mouth But somehow it traveled like all throughout the country. Oh, yeah that mountain dew makes your like does shit to your dick And I was covering it with a paper towel when I was drinking just because I didn't want people to be like, hey

Look at old tommy small Okay, uh, have you ever won x body spray? Absolutely the commercials got you. They came in Fully got me. They came correct with the marketing I was like, I gotta have this and like it was kind of embarrassing to ask your mom to like buy it because you're like, hey I'm trying to get the tail. Yeah, I'm just laying over here I covered myself in it and uh, of course it was disgusting and nobody liked that underlying baby powder sent to it Yep. Yeah, but I was like, this is gonna change my whole life. I put a lot of stock

It's an axe Yeah, I was like, this is gonna change my whole shit up. I put it on like it's thinking I remember because I got contacts at the same time is at the time I was wearing glasses. I was like, I'm wearing contacts I got axe body spray. I'm about to hit different People are gonna see that I'm built different now Can't even love it. The underdog's on top I put it on one time I was I was at my house. My sister had her friends over

I was probably at six whenever that came out early high school Maybe and they were like 21 or whatever and I like walked down with it on not to impress him I was like going to the movies or some of them all and I walked by like, what is that smell? And I'm like, oh god, I ran the hop in the fucking shower real quick And it doesn't take it off. Yeah. Oh no, you gotta get power washed. Yeah. Yeah. How do you take your steak? Uh, I I like Uh, I like it medium rare personally, I like I like to see it, you know dancing You ever have caviar before oh, I love caviar

But I had it for the first time at a buffet because I would never think to order This is my mom and I went to Vegas with my my sister. My sister loves Vegas. I've like I have my mixed feelings Uh, but we went and my mom's whole thing was like we're going to this buffet at ballies casino Or whatever and we were all like whatever it's like a hundred bucks to do it But that's the thing my mom was looking forward to the whole time and she was fucking right Like they had caviar and like lobster tails and shit and it was so good I think it cancels out if you have it at a buffet. Yes, it's true. It's not like Was it like beluga like it was like real caviar. I have no idea

It wasn't like the little orange eggs they put on sushi. No, no, no, no, no, this was they were black Tom was eating bait He got a bag full of power bait. I didn't get a hook in my mouth at one point Tom was eating bait Okay, I'm just I'm just gonna put this out here now. You are officially invited to the r u garbage tournament of champions Which isn't even a thing we've ever talked about what you're gonna you're in If we ever do a head-to-head death map we haven't even gotten into modern trash Oh, we're gonna have well, I mean you're for sure coming back for a part 200 percent. I mean

I got I'm gonna do I'm gonna I gotta go back to the drawing board and come up with better questions Then you know, have you had poison ivy as an adult? I was gonna ask if you ever called anybody mate Man talk about showing up unprepared Now I know how the generals feel when they play the globetrotters this guy's bouncing balls off my head Honestly, I I you legit flustered and I was on my heels right away right away I literally he brought that in. I'm like, oh, he's trying to be guard like he's I thought he brought the beer to be like Oh, I'm gonna try to hand it up because I had no idea you had any of this background. I'm doing a podcast. I'm gonna have

That's what I blame the street joke on that that didn't work my frazzling is just for the record And the 1989 joke didn't come out right either And what what excuse you have for this greasy? Callbacks that we had thankfully forgot I blame too much Mountain Dew on all this Ever worn a lifeguard sweatshirt Sweatshirt no, no, we didn't have sweatshirts I got one now what you go home You got a couple of you know, you got a quarter a nickel and a dime in your pocket

What kind of container does that go into that is going so right now What's your current change jar right now because I did I did the podcast Douglas movies And I stole one of the prizes because it was uh because you have to bring prizes when you that show Somebody had a peek at you like coffee mug. And so I was like that's gonna be my new change jar But you there you were like that's gonna be my new change. You stole it for that purpose I was like, maybe I'll try to drink coffee out of it And then I tried once and it was not built for that. And so I was like, no, I'm just gonna change change But I have also next to that because you got a lot of change. I don't mean to brag. I'm doing all right

I don't want to brag. I got about 32 bucks. But there's some quarters in there Some of those are quarters. Some of them are european. I can't use them. I got a button In case I love it. I have shit like that. I've like european. I've never been to europe. I have like canadian I have canadian like nickels and shit in my thing and I'm like I better save that in case I go back to canada When am I gonna dig through that and like take it with me? I've been in a financial position not too long ago where I've had like 40 dollars in euros or something and like Went to the bank and been like I want to change this like we don't do that here And if we do we're gonna charge you like 25 dollar transaction fee. Yeah, like you got to go to the airport and I'm sure

I'm bringing that to the airport. They'll arrest you I feel What's this commie bullshit when you when you get your change we put it in we use a coin star or we not use it Because of the fee, uh, I I always dreamt of using a coin star. It's never a presence of mind thing It looks so fun. But how do you use up? Do you roll your quarters? No, it just sits there Okay, I never do Collect an interest. Yeah Yeah, yeah gaining value. It's uh Working for me

I never think I in my head. I'm like, well, I need a quarter to go to the whatever it's But it just sits there. I I never think to do anything with it. It's been Yeah, we have a change yard We haven't touched in two years of living in the same apartment I got about 80 bucks in like in a one of the big like kind of like your water bottle You have with the top cut off and like that I that's in my net worth when I do the math Yeah, I got one of those full to like there cut the top off. How'd you cut it off knife steak knife? Probably I don't have a steak knife. I know it was like the sharpest knife I have I guess

Uh, and that goes into my net worth when I calculate what I have you're kidding If I'm like, oh, I got a thousand dollars in my bank account ago. I got a thousand 80 bucks in my bank That's the grease up top. Yeah Um, before we get into now I just wanted to ask you Did if you were your family, have you guys did you guys ever Stand around and watch like a house fire like watch the fire department Put it out

I would have or watch an accident or anything like that as a family. Have you ever chased an ambulance to see where he's going? Never chased an ambulance. Uh I've done that personally. I've just watched like the fire department show up in brooklyn But in in our where we lived We were so separated like because we had like two acres or whatever and then that's not bad Yeah, it was a bad, but uh, you know, we just had the direct neighbors right next to us And so and then across the street was just farmland like we like when if you like if you walked out my front door We have woods behind us and then across the street. It's just like empty. It's cows, you know

So and a man with a handgun, of course And then my stepdad with a handgun Yeah, you're gonna see that you're gonna take a left at the man with a handgun He's gonna be yelling at you. He fires once every 20 minutes just to feel some adrenaline But uh, you're probably gonna miss that. Have you been in the house and just heard like a shot go off? Uh Yes, yes, uh, I have um Because he would try to scare us into thinking he killed himself. Anyway, it doesn't I don't want to go any further

Who needs Dallas when you got that? Talk about nick at night. Yeah, but um No, but to you saying that about brooklyn because the reason I thought of that question is because last night Uh, there was a manhole was on fire right in front of the 7-eleven near our grocery store We were walking to the grocery store and all of a sudden there's a little fire going on fire trucks pull up About five minutes in the entire neighborhoods out there They got water ice going around people are drinking and we're all standing there like a village of dirt bags Just watching the fireman. I love that. Oh, it's dude

It's like a real new york moment. You mean the whole neighborhood's out there. Yeah kids are running around balloons and everything fantastic time Gotta take what you can get gotta take what you can get Have you ever put ketchup on mac and cheese? We were talking about the drop. Yes, I have and I'm gonna tell you I stand by it It's good. It's good. It's great. It's really good. Also I'm gonna say this mac and cheese kind of sucks. It's overrated. I don't I don't that's why I put ketchup in it I put ketchup in it because it's like I need something a little little tang to it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fuck I just lost all the audio

I maybe have some hot sauce. I just don't It depends on the mac and cheese, but it's like, oh man. This is the trashiest thing I've done What kind of brand was it when you were growing up? Uh, if we were lucky, we would have some craft, but we weren't a mac and cheese family. We were like, uh, we would buy frozen corn dogs and like that I learned to cook cook. I learned to bake Like pizzas and hot dogs and shit when I was or like corn dogs when I was a kid because my mom would work at night So I had to feed all and my stepdad was a drunk So I fed everybody by just I thought that I was like a chef

I was just throwing corn dogs on a sheet pan and then that was that was a lot of If my mom was home, we would have like, you know, uh chicken or whatever, but like, yeah, we didn't have a lot of that We had ramen noodles soup a lot. Um Yeah, we weren't a big mac and cheese not a shit little home cooked meals We when she was home, we would do it, but uh, it was a lot of it was a lot of fast food I I was I was like when Wendy's introduced the five for five and they had the junior bacon cheeseburger That was huge. Like that was a lot of my meals were just like having four junior bacon cheeseburgers And then some chicken nuggets. How would you get there walk? Could you walk or no? That was like if she was on the way home

She would stop. Yeah, she would stop and grab. Yeah, you couldn't walk anywhere Like it's like it would it would take you Of like half a day to walk to anything where I lived like even the gas station was probably would have been like a 40 minute walk Jesus Have you seen the sequel to boondock saints? That is that is good I'm not Real fast. I forgot this is I think this this might be the trashiest form of food ever

And I just bought it two days ago and my fiance's pissed because she saw in the cabinet They make flame and hot mac and cheese. Oh, yeah I bought some because I love anything flame and hot they will they will sucker me on and that I think is super trashy Trashy people love flaming hot because they covers the flavor of all the bad shit there You need hot sauce on everything because your food is bad, you know, do you still drink mountain dew? No, okay? Actually, I take that back. I went to taco bell the other day and I'll drink the uh Diabaha blast. You gotta treat yourself. Exactly. It went in Rome. What do you do? Why is that that?

How come only taco bell they've really made it they had to have made a deal Yeah, because I would love to go to mcdonald's and get a fucking mountain dew. Like I know coca-cola product. Is it? No, it's not pepsi, right? So they're probably the only main brand the only main Food chain that carries pepsi, right? Oh, really? Everybody else coke probably has crazy. Coke has burger king. Coke has mcdonald's. Coke has everywhere That's bullshit. Yeah Spread the love for them though. Yeah, good for them Also, there's probably a very big like if it was a vendicare of mountain dew drinkers and fucking taco bell people

Sure, and that there's that's a there's a big Yeah Yeah, that that makes sense. I love taco bell, man I still go it's right next to my gym and so often I'll leave the gym and go to taco bell What's your favorite item at taco bell? I mean, I love the chalupa. It's it's so good But I don't get that chalupa the flaming hot or when they had it they had a flaming hot dorito Like shell taco. Yeah, but now they just have the regular or maybe it was spicy nacho now They just have the regular doritos locos. I love that

And the quesadilla is you can't miss you really can't fuck up Dude, it's all hits dude. I fucking love him I honestly do man. I love you I want to give y'all I mean we talked about his family. He just got that was the most passionate I've seen him in the past hour and 12 minutes or whatever we're at He really was like this. I'm gonna pay my masterpiece here I food my fiance makes fun of me all the time, but it's like I obsess over in fact coming here today

I was like, oh fuck. I'm gonna go to chipotle after this. I was like so excited or dose toros they have here too, but uh The windy's spicy chicken sandwich as a kid was like that was like my form of happiness and now the Popeyes Spicy chicken is like god damn it. I think about it all the time dude. I'm right there. We're even just saying it now I got happy It fixes all It really does It really does That Popeyes chicken sandwich dude is fucking it's crazy that anybody is even trying and yeah to be like shut it down

This is good. I do want to try that burger king one, but because the pictures look He's a dad when you got chicken sandwich exactly Oh forget about all that guns pointing the gun at you. Here's some here's a spicy chicken. Well, it sounds like you got some projects You're working on The way you said they were like you want to try that burger Yeah, like if I get my I can get my act together Get a couple get on the straight and arrow for a couple of weeks Okay, okay, kippy I got a guessing game for you because I know you love them sure in the year

2015 when Baja Blast was introduced How much did it generate in sales for Taco Bell? In a year in one year one calendar year five million dollars. Hold on. Let's I mean let's wait hold on That's when it was introduced. I could swear by how blast had been around for oh, sorry This might be its most banner year. This might be the most okay, but I think You think you're gonna get that bullshit past the car You kidding me? He was there cutting the ribbon with the big scissors The day they popped that thing open that he probably stole on the way home

This is good rib. I'm gonna take this ribbon Wait because I was at a wedding in 2009 at a Taco Bell And I could have swore That they had Baja Blast. All right Foley says five million kippy five million. Oh, it's uh, it's probably fucking 500 million dollars 500 million I'm gonna. Oh, I might probably 500 million dollars 500 I'm gonna say Just Baja Blast And how much does that cost to make are we counting is it is it not profit? It's yeah, it's sales

Is it just sales? This is uh In 2015 Petsico reported that Blaha Blast brought in blank in sales for Taco Bell since it was introduced I'm gonna oh since it was introduced. Oh, no. Okay. I apologize. So this is up to 2015. It's also what the sales gen Okay, oh that changes everything. I apologize up to 2015. So this is a report from 2015 since introduced I'm gonna say it was maybe introduced in like 2006 or something Because I I think I was in high school when they had it because I I worked my kroger was next to when I have to work My kroger the kroger. I worked that I'm pretty sure I would go get that sounds like he was on the board So I'm gonna say 200 mil then 500 million. Yes. I'm sorry. I'd like to change my answer 350 million dollars

Do we go way too high way too low? They brought in a billy son. Holy Shit a billy damn. That's what happens when you make a fantastic product at a reasonable price Tell you that right now get on the patreon people because Hey, they're not paying us. All right. Let's not forget because let me tell you something the fountain operation better Whoa, whoa, we're a better help family today. I can read the schedule correctly The fountain system at taco bell is the elite one. Yes. The ice is perfect. The carbonation is always It's the only place that I do that because mcdonald's everybody's I do like a diet coke for mcdonald's but they fuck up a lot, too They fuck mcdonald's

Fucks up more than a word for it now I go to mcdonald's so there's a mcdonald's next to my gym too, and I get I try to get black I drink where's your gym the mall food court? What the fuck? His gym is actually a walk-in roll. Yeah, so I've been working out at an any ands Yeah, my gym is the delta terminal To have that Man this kid I had no idea they so I try to get I like my I like iced coffee. I like it black I don't like I waste my calories on booze if I'm gonna drink it

So I don't like to have calories in my in my stuff. I drink and so I like iced coffee black and I like mcdonald's coffee Every fucking time I go to order at mcdonald's and I try I'm not rude. I just try to be nice I'm like, hey, I want ice coffee. Can I just have it black nothing? They don't get that There's a full conversation every time they're like So uh cream and sugar. I'm like no black. I just want to black and there's like so no flavor They say no flavor squirts. No squirts nothing just the coffee and the ice and are you going to mcdonald's just for coffee? Yes, oh, that's trash. Yeah, I know You live in new york city, dude. What are we doing? It's cheap. It's so cheap

It's like two bucks for a giant one and it's uh, it's convenient except Every time we'll have that whole back and forth and I'm like, all right. They're definitely gonna get it this time Still give the amaranthal flavor. Yep. Yep. It's just pure white the thing they envy and I'm like, no Yeah, they don't get it coffee and they're always like what the fuck are you talking about? Why would you do this? No flavor. They start to do it again. Like they start well, obviously you want a little sugar. I'm like, no nothing Yeah, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about that crazy. Yeah, okay. They act like I'm gonna be like this What the fuck? Okay, sir. I'll get you. I said black. Where's the whipped cream?

Well, this is why because they've been beaten down so much By fucking people being scumbags with two things ice and fucking those kind of things I know and I feel bad. I try not to be an asshole about it. You have to beg for ice At like at any fast food place because so many people are like not too much ice because they think they're getting more Yes, which is the most Garbage reason in the world. Yeah, yeah extra ice Damn getting fired up. Get me a truly. What the fuck get him a truly. Come on Julie

That was pretty good. I fell into that. I'm not I'm not known for my impressions This is how outmatched I am for this. Dude. I'm done. You ready? My next question was do you like orangina? Oh man, I had that once High school. It was my graduation Oh my god, and I had that once in high school in a french class. There was like a day It was it was a cultural Fucking immersion class. He was they had they had paté and they had an orange. I didn't french fries. It's paté

It's an american drink It was presented to me as this is what french people drink the paté was just hamburger helper. Yeah, it was a beef paté It's still that joke from someone Tom man This is legendary. Yeah, this is I mean we for sure have to bring you back Specifically because there's so many we have so many fucking insane questions that we have to get to from our page Like when people sign up for patreon, we answer the question

So we have so many insane ones that we can't get to with certain guests because I'm like, but you're I mean He should come in like once every like six weeks and just clean up all the insane questions We have to get through Well, I'm like, I can't ask Andrew Schultz if like a step that ever shot a guy listening to uh The one with canon I was like god damn it. There's so many that I was like Like the craigslist thing I spent so much time on craigslist That's for another day

I I used to like see how I used to I thought it was funny when I was in College to post fake craigslist ads as a man as a woman for men because I was like I would just read insane ones so I would post like looking for somebody to Fuck me on my dad's grave or whatever and to see if guys would still respond and then they did Yeah, of course crazy. Do you have any dick pics? Oh a million. Yeah a million. I've seen every shape and size She gives a real cool cat Yeah, we weird flicks I wonder why fucking high school was hard on the kid

Um, all right, I gotta call. I mean, I you know run through a couple of pages Yeah, we gotta we gotta wrap this one's just a funny question This is from Brandon. Have you has a family member ever offered you a seasonal beer in the wrong season? That's a hilarious Fuck and I will tell you nobody's done that to me I've done that to other people because when I lived in Chicago. There was a target by me that had uh, Brooklyn pumpkin ale for two dollars a six pack So I bought the whole fucking thing. I had like 26 packs of brooklyn

A brooklyn pumpkin and it's summer like it's not it's old. It's terrible It's that drinking pumpkin beers on july 4th, dude, you know, you know tim mclaughlin, right? Oh, he's the homie Yeah, so we lived together and we would we had the dirt baggis that's fucking place We had after I left everybody got bed bugs and shit like it was dirty in there Is that the one where our curry was in the basement? No, that's an that that was in new york. Uh, this was in chicago Uh in chicago, we did this we had our fridge full of it and it was one of those into the night We didn't have any other beer

We would all just start chugging those and hated every fucking sip But it was like a staple of our apartment for a while where people would come over and be like God damn it like I guess we're drinking the fucking pumpkin beer because it's three in the morning You can't buy beer anywhere. Oh that fucking stinks. But tim would always just so angrily like Like just watching him begrudgingly drink a pumpkin ale is like that's what chicago is still is to me It's just a dirt bag tank. I've had I've had a lot of like july october fest from the previous year I mean, we got christmas budwizers in the mini fridge right here. Yeah, put a pumpkin ale pumpkin is a specific

I'll never drink it again because of that. He's fucked it up for me. It's skunked pumpkin ale I like it. You have very infomercial studio audience energy when you talk about prices two dollars That's my childhood brother two dollars All right, uh, this one's from do do 69. I don't know if that's his government name Oh my mom Did you have a senior yearbook quote? If so, what was it? No, my god, that's a whole not a great one I don't think I did. We didn't have I didn't even get my senior yearbook That was one of those things where my family was like, you'll remember it

Just try really hard Holy shit I remember mine. Mine was a jethro tall lyric. Oh spin me back down the years in the days of my youth I if I had one you think you're so deep But especially as a high school kid everybody does If I had one it was probably like a fucking like tupac lyric or something that was like hell. Yeah People are gonna think this is really cool. I had a tupac jersey that I would wear at school I thought people would think it was cool and like oh man. I know that exact thing. Yeah, that's a bad look. Yeah, it was bad

It was bad. Um, all right, then this one's from tony p. Is it garbage to write your initials and wet concrete in front of your own house? We did it when we got our pool we did like our hands and like The date and stuff like that. That's on your property though. That's a little bit different. Have you're doing on a sidewalk? Yeah, I I would say yes Yeah, oh it's trash because it's one of those like I need to be immortalized and yeah in concrete Did you ever uh, you ever carve your initials into the into a tree with your high school sweetheart or anything? I didn't have a high school sweetheart. Uh, I would have loved to trust me, brother I'd rather take yours on craigslist

I dreamt of doing that, but I uh, yeah, I never did that. Tom and Mountain Dew forever Tom and Baja Blast. Tom and $2 beer Tom loves pumpkins. All right. I mean, I'm I'm fucking gassed. We got to have you back for a part Yeah, man. I would love to come back. I'm blown away. We got to get to I'm blown away. This was an absolutely fantastic episode Uh, unbelievable, but sure. I mean, we're he's oh, I mean, she's right just for the record. We got to get it on table I mean, you're the garbage. I think this is the most Like deep flavor garbage Ever yeah, it's unbelievable. It was the most insane thing. I felt like punch drunk at the end of it hit you in the face

Well, every question you ask He introduces someone else another setting that then leads to another It was like a fucking Christopher Nolan movie I feel like I was watching garbage tenant or something like that. Half of it was going backwards I didn't know what was going on Unbelievable man. Yeah, thank you so much. What do you got the folks out there to know you got coming up anything? Uh, first, thanks so much for having me boy. I love you guys. It's pot. It's fucking hilarious I'm happy to be a part of it. It was so fun. But uh, yeah, I got uh, follow me on instagram

I'm gonna just be posting a bunch of clips and stuff. It's tom to car. It's tha kkar And uh, yeah, I have a bunch of clips coming out. My podcast is called stand by your band to do with Tommy McNamara We gotta have you boys on for sure man. I love you defend music that uh, people make funny for like and it's like a lot of Like trashy shit. Yeah, of course like, uh, you know creed or nickel back or shit Uh, it's it's super fun. And then uh, yeah, fine If you can find my fucking half hour special in comedy central, please watch it Because if I try to post clips from it, they fucking stomp it down Really? Yeah, and I also have a podcast with them that's over now, but it's called stand up with uh, tom to car

That's I mean the episodes are still up. So it's cool. And then yeah, just social media shit. Tom to car Awesome. We love you, buddy. Absolutely. Super funny. Super funny boys. Thanks, man. And this was something else kippy What do you got for him? Uh, as always, please make sure you rate, review, subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube Patreon.com you can sign up you get bonus episodes of a yg You get episodes of hard feelings Which is me and foley mixing that up and we do a live stream every month with our top tier patrons and then live shows guys We're fucking boston's almost sold the fuck out Rhode Island's fucking cooking and we have probably like what seven or eight more dates for cities we're announcing

Get ready. It's gonna be a fucking good time. Yeah, I'm gonna go home take a shower and call my parents Tell them how much I love them guys. We love you. We'll see you next week. Peace