Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Tom Thakkar - Living Dangerously

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Kippy and Foley are joined by old pal Tom Thakkar! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ Helix Sleep: https://www.HelixSleep.com/Garbage Box of Awesome: https://www.BoxOfAwesome.com Promo Code: GARBAGE Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code AYG. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans

Hachi Machi middle-class famous tour update kippy. Uh-oh. We got a couple alerts going out straighten them out a little bit Kansas City Springfield St. Louis Nashville in the Philadelphia that show sold out already three months ahead of time We added a second show tickets are on sale right now Then we're going up to Providence Rhode Island. That's gonna sell out in Boston. There's low ticket alert So get those tickets now. We'd love to see you do it Welcome to another exciting edition of are you? Garbage the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or Absolute trash

Now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is are you garbage? Little show we sit down your favorite comedians and we find that they grew to be classy Just a big old piece of trash I'm your hostage Foley coming at you on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antoni's basement. She's upstairs Just picked up a new metal detector. Okay. Yeah, start it in your room. I can comb in the walls looking for the money Okay, all right that missed What are you talking about? I thought I'd get a laugh. I don't know okay my co-host is coming at you

Did work he is the CEO of our you garbage. She is an international business man Uh-huh to be trifled with in the boardroom or the bedroom. Yep or the bathroom. Okay, but son Give it up for Kippy Kevin James Ryan. Hey gang. Thanks for tuning in as always Please make sure you're greatly view subscribe over there on itunes full video available on YouTube as you know Those numbers are true to look good and obviously the greatest goddamn website of all time WWW.patreon.com You get a bunch of fucking bonus content bunch of videos though get the cribs episodes we went golfing We did the Dave and Buster's with our guests today. We did a bunch of shit. We went camp the whole nine yards

Check it the fuck out. Yeah, gang have a nice quick shout out to our producer Extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good. He crosses the T's He dots the I's he works to ones to twos and the threes give it up for T bone McMuffin Toby McMullin everybody What's up dudes what up T Ben? You know what kind of guy? I am. What's that? I'm the kind of guy who appreciates a guy who shows up late with two tall beers Gang along here ain't lying Great a dirt bag start today. It's three o'clock Jesus Christ the car Gang you fucking know him. You love him. He's back for his fourth or fifth time. He is the Papa shot champion

2022 It was fucked up how close that was to my wedding because it that was the best day of my life Probably got more money out of it though give it up a top-to-car everybody Thanks for having me boys. Thanks for coming Toby. I'm sorry. I'm late. I'm sorry. I'm drunk No, I'm trying to get my tolerance back You got Tokyo coming up in a few months I'm up to two six years a day now Why are you trying to get your tolerance? Well, I took why was your tolerance off?

I took two weeks off drinking before the wedding and it plummeted and then I was pit the first night I drank I was like I'm fucking hammered was that for like vanity purpose. You want to tighten it. Yeah, I was trying to tighten it up Yeah, and I'd been on a bender. I had I'm in the middle of five wedding weekends I was just getting hammered all the time and just my normal day-to-day life I need you to take a little break try to hold off the cirrhosis for a couple weeks. I don't want to look yellow in the wedding How was the wedding? Oh, it was it was insane. It was so good. Well, it was it was the best day I put I got to play wiffle ball the day of I do live the life of a 12 year old. It's true. Yeah, sounds like a lot like Dennis the menace

Well, we started filming you said he had plenty of pizzas there That is true. There was I had a taco truck and pizzas. You had a taco truck there. Yeah That's a fucking solid move. Yeah, I mean there was no dinner. So that was the food But it was a hit it was a good it was a birria truck Fucking incredible. You just go up and order whatever you want. Yeah. Yeah, nice. It was sick Yeah, it was it was it was the best day played with a ball when got married Who did you play with football with I had some rascals out there? Couple of street top

Regulation field. Where were you playing it? We were playing a McCarran Park. I love it. It's it's it's my greatest athletic all my Athleticism is shit like pop a shot and wiffle ball and darts which by the way we had So we did the family reunion at Dave and bought the toady family reunion at Dave and buster's full bid on over there on a patreon Did open bar we had the food he texted me like a half hour before the thing started He's like dude. I'm here practicing where you at. Yeah, I got there. I was early for that late for this I got Sturno's weren't even late when you got there We didn't have access to the room like I didn't see the manager. I was getting my own beers before I

Didn't need the open. Oh, we got the invoice. Don't worry Hey, he's that idiot in the back with you. I'm like, yeah I like how after like an hour or two of being there when you found out what could be paid for you like fuck I should have had my way. I know it wasn't that it wasn't that expensive not expensive He's like, dude, this is crazy. This is awesome. This is because this is the best day of my life is what he tells me It was it was my dream. It was so fucking fun. It wasn't even that honestly for like whatever. There was like 30 of us We all got cards. We all got unlimited booze for three hours. It was food And it really wasn't that expensive. No, I told you what I made for you. Damn. I should add my wedding

Genuinely upset. It is yeah, I fucked up. How did you make out on the wedding? Uh Almost we're almost wait. What's that cash wise? Oh, we're almost back to even okay It was an expensive wedding and some people gave us a lot, which I was like, yeah, I invited too many people for the supreme pizzas To toppings and we're not getting no thin crust We're going pan Oh, that's good. How many people are at the wedding? It was like winning the taco truck guy 70 It was it was big it was very stressful and also it's like comedians are the fucking worst people on the planet

And they're all my I got a spot at nine. Yeah, so many comics were like sneakily dipping out coming back And I love people probably isn't yeah, but what time do you go? I legitimately got shit like that Canceling like a day out because they got a loony bin feature spot It's crazy and can they don't tell you they're like I found out through like a friend books Yeah, they're like I'm gonna be at Uncle Chuckie's fuckhouse This weekend, and I'm like, I thought you RSVP'd yes to the wedding. They're like, oh, yeah

I thought you didn't care and I'm like a bunch of fucking money You're the best man dirt ball. What are you doing? Yeah comics are notoriously bad with that for sure anybody dress out of sorts. Oh, yeah What was the attire? It was supposed to be like cocktail attire You show up ready to play You wear your pinstripes We're doing home jerseys Stick ball sheet

Where you're fine as cleats Yeah, no, I would have there was some people dressed to play wiffle ball Like it was all my friends all of her all of her friends and family dressed incredibly and then I had a buddy Show up in a long-sleeve t-shirt, and he was like it's long sleeve though That's the fancy one the best is the justification for it He was like it was one of my hotter guy friends, and he was like look I'm a hot guy Nobody cares how I dress and he was kind of right was it in a church. Did you get married? No, it was at the bell house and really yeah, okay, so you did the whole thing there, and you yeah

We didn't we got married at a little Italian restaurant the night before because we didn't want people to watch us do that Okay, so it's just a party so it's just a party No, we had speeches and they kind of turned into a show. It was great. It was we had to get our spots in I had to bail already New York What was the where was the Italian wedding where'd you do that that was in Williamsburg We did check out an Olive Garden like place, and I was like this would work for me He this would be good. I know there's some about that. There's places are great. Yeah, and who married you good my mom your mom did

Yep. Yep. She claims that she's certified for that We'll see she didn't show me her credentials, but but that's all paperwork. So we'll see that's really all formality, right? You're married at in the in the court. No, you still need I mean you can do it that way We did it she swore that she was an officiant. So we'll see just yet to have paperwork or something. We had to get the paper Yeah, we had to get the license like application. No, but doesn't your mom have to have paperwork saying that she's a lot I didn't look at it, but she said she had it She's ordained. We'll see how did she do she great. She's good. Yeah, she killed it. Although. It was like they both don't end the next week Yeah, she's she's featured

No, it was it was great it was hammered yeah, I had a nice little hotel for it, and I Stayed in a hotel in the city. You live in is a fun. It's cool I was like I'm such a penny-pinching bitch that I was like we don't we have to get a hotel But the place was sick and the end of the night she wanted to go home earlier than I did and I could you can't leave you You can't let your wife go home earlier than you on the night of your wedding So I was like fuck let's go back and I woke up. She was with a half empty box of pizza I did have I snuck two burritos out And a shot of fireball

I had like a little nip of fireball and I She she went to bed earlier than me and either we had a little balcony and I smoked a cigar and sipped a little nip of fireball By myself and she woke up and saw the scene out there. Yeah, it was like what the fuck did you do on our wedding night? Who did I marry? Yeah? That's good stuff buddy. Congratulations That's great. Let's get into some cues here gang Tom So glad to have you here gang when you know when you sign up for the patreon get your questions right on the air We got mr. Tom to car pop a shot champ here with this to answer your question. You're a garbage question

All right, this one's from Nick First time longtime ten dollar homie. Is it garbage to name your kid after a band a co-worker named her kid Steven Tyler? That's yeah, that's a bad look. Yeah, but it could be worse at least that's like Yeah, or like guns and roses guns and roses Jenkins You know my daughter Neil Diamond I Don't think I grew up with anybody with wonky names either though. We were kind of like very generic 80s 90s names. Yeah, it got it got goofy. I would say kids that were born in the 2000s Yeah, I know people I think the goofiest one and this is a Midwest and Southern thing. I think but Nevea

It's backwards heaven. It's like a religious thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's anything backwards. Yeah Yep backwards head. It's all it's all bad. Yeah Lot of Tyler's a lot of Tyler's my cousin Jordan a lot of Jordan's a lot of Dylan's Yeah, I remember in the 2000s ours I've like a lot of double like Mike my nephew's name is Stevie James. There's like a Sarah Joe James is alright. It's kind of a cool name actually. Yeah. I like it. That's not bad Stevie James is okay That is kind of an alt-country name. Sure. That kind of got like but that's like

Open it up for jelly roll That guy's killing it by the way. I killed. Yeah, do you know him? No, who's that huge? Southern Musician right he's not like a rap. Maybe not a rap. I don't know how to class. I don't want to box them in I Would say Southern artist voice of a generation. There you go. Exactly. Well put um, but yeah I think he's a Nashville guy or something. He's killing it out there Um jelly roll jelly roll Also the name of the band my sister had played our what at her wedding

They're a local true really now. They're Philadelphia people but never heard of him I know mr. Green jeans or g love in the special sauce. Well g love in the special sauce everywhere Mr. Green jeans was a cover band at a bar in mania That man put on a show Everybody's fucking it a mr. Green. It wasn't gonna be creamed green jeans. He started they start playing jumper by third-eyed line It's all the girls Somebody not to kill themselves and maybe after she jumps off that ledge. She'll come fuck me. It's a slow one Wait, you're slow dancing to jumper

That's that's kippies when he's always a fucking Oh brick Jelly roll, huh? Look at you They were they were so I remember like people get their weddings around that like they lock the band in and then play Originals of covers. It's like a 13-piece band a rich who the most originals at the fucking. Oh, give me give me some fucking You know Play the news for our first day Give me some love than her get the fuck out that was a problem at our wedding is my lady

My wife like really wanted to like reggaeton music and nobody I mean people were dancing but then The killers mr. Brightside came on and people lost their fucking minds. She was like god damn it Yeah, she was really fucking losers. Yeah. Yeah, what's reggaeton like reggae? No, it's like rappy like I can't explain I don't know how to explain. I'm a dumb ass. What's dubstep by the way I just heard it the other day I Bend your beak a little bit. What's this dubstep what is it everybody's talking? That's not my kind of rock and roll

That's crazy I just heard people talking about you On Twitter or something like that in your time machine What is it? What is it? Is it dance move? Man, yeah that the Harlem shake Harlem shake was all right. Oh, is that the pandemic the Harlem shake? No, no Stop asking questions because you're confusing me more and more getting worse and worse. I think I'm confusing with the ice bucket challenge No dubstep is a form of like I would qualify tech like rave music. Okay?

Yeah, but it was a certain kind of whatever certain had a certain kind of rhythm to it or like characteristics that made it dubstep But it was like a subset of you know All the DJs. Yeah, the big DJ. I'm going insane clown posse for my That's what I'm naming my kid Uncle cracker to car Whatever happened uncle cracker. I feel like I just look he's probably got to be around I think I just saw him on tiktok or something. Yeah, he's definitely I feel like he's definitely like probably a millionaire somewhere But he only had he was a true one-hit wonder, right?

But he worked with kid rock All those lives, you know, yeah, what was his son? He was featuring. I got a feeling No step back from that ledge my friend His was that final me and everything. Oh, yeah Although there was a rumor in my school that it was about heroin so we weren't allowed to listen to it anymore You know, I don't even think that's true Yeah, I don't think that was everything was about heroin. Yeah Chase talk about chasing the dragon. Well, if you want to see mr. Cracker

You can scoot on out to wild hog saloon and eatery. There you go. Lock Walford, Indiana September 11. Yes. I love it when I hear it for 11. Never forget me. Yeah, that is disrespectful You should not perform at a damn bar. That's gonna be a celebration of America, right? I know what town is when the town is in Indiana, and I've never heard of it. I'm like that is a fucked up town That's a fucked up. Hey, we should go to that show That's hey a lot of red, white and blue. You gotta make another patreon tier Yeah, we're gonna hit it in a week

Detects we're gonna we're gonna fucking lose our asses. We got one more patreon. I'm going I'm going anyway That's pretty good. Can't but second about draft Kings, baby You mean the king of the draft? Yeah, the NFL is upon us my friends Uh-huh, and as you know draft Kings sportsbook is the official betting partner of the NFL Uh-huh, and they're trying to get people to sign up. Yeah, you know what they're doing What's that and offer you can't refuse my friend boy five dollars? Get you two hundred dollars and bets

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All right, let's see here This is from Kevin P Growing up in coal region, Pennsylvania My parents referred to the night before trash night as garbage eaves so they could go trash picking trash picking Oh god, I would do the wheel with trash pick as a kid. I always wanted to find like a bike or something Oh, I see, you know, I wasn't like digging through. I was picturing like you're like looking at banana peels I'm looking for a retainer or something. I was looking for like shit coffee grounds are still good Watch them off. They're fine. We wouldn't do that

But it was it was a common theme around our area that if you wanted to get rid of something you just put it out on the Front lawn. Yes. Yeah, everybody. Everybody understood what the deal was. Mm-hmm. If you put it in the driveway It was it was it was a rush. Yeah, you got to get it out of there before you have to go to work in the morning Yeah, I still I still feel that way if I don't want something I just put it on the sidewalk, of course Oh, yeah, New York. It's weird. Yeah, you walk. You'll walk by an apartment building They'd be like three sets of shoes a couple of records. Yeah, people take Yeah I've grabbed shit off the street a painting never done that a painting

You're seeing Like a Mona Lisa or something Rembrandt like something like that like something like that show a lot of time. I have seen that Yeah, so we found out to find out Foley stole the Mona Lisa Steal the Mona Lisa find out I'm really Banksy No, thanks, you would know what dubstep is. Yes We have it in the building where people put stuff down There's like a shelf for like a windowsill people will put stuff in the building like, you know fucking a

Radio or fucking whatever they're trying to get rid of before they throw it out, but it sits there for like a Maybe a day and then the guys in the building fucking toss it It's always weird when you see people like throwing stuff like when they got like a new cabinet or a new dresser And they put the old one out there sometimes it's like how the fuck long have you Oh, man, it was so old and so bad. So bro. Did you ever fucking hit that would pledge or something? Jesus you just want to spruce it up a little bit. Yeah, I'm guilty of that. I don't want to dust What are you talking about? You let it build up enough until you throw it the fuck out Do you have proper cabinets in your bedroom? Uh, no, like what do you put your where's your size?

I have a weird they're in little shoeboxes. Wait, what a god. Yeah, I don't love the system. We got What do you mean little shoeboxes we have shoeboxes regular shoeboxes and we put Like cardboard shoeboxes and we put away my underwear and socks to fold into them Okay, you have three pairs of socks and two pairs underwear. I mean, how many do you need? Also, we just went over your sock inventory yours your sock system is I got a drawer though Okay, and plenty of them. I mean how many I buy socks every couple years and they Yeah, how often you need to buy some at least I gotta re up soon. I'm squatting in these socks

Yeah, shoebox. What do you want everything else in the closet? We don't have we only have one closet in the whole apartment. It's not very big So I have like a weird we found this metal scaffolding thing Okay out on the street, and we brought it in the house, and I just said all my I know exactly little dresser Like a workshop type yeah My shirts and stuff are stacked on that and most of it to be totally honest most of my shit is in the laundry bag And I pull it out and as I need to use sure Like we do the wash and fold and then I just slowly pick out of you live out of that. There you go

That's it. That's at least a gentleman does yeah. Yeah Respect that the bag and then the ripped open plastic. Yep. Yep. Yeah, not a good look Hey, it's way better than fucking putting it, you know, especially when you don't have a lot of clothes Yeah, you're like what am I gonna put these two shirts over there? I'm just gonna leave it there doesn't be solved in three days I hang all my teas all my tea you hang all your tea. That's why too much respect for these teas. Hmm. Yeah Oh, everything's hanging. I mean, I don't hang them, but they're they're hung Who hangs them the lady the neighbor? Yeah, my lady ain't doing that shit. Hmm. She doesn't like to she doesn't like to deal with the laundry

I get it. I don't like to I fucking hate it. I hate it. It's like my job But I I go get it like washed and folded I'll do it myself and I'm like that's I've done my part And now we're just picking it out of the bag Now you will you go if you have to do it yourself you have a place in the building or do you go to like the one? I got to walk to a laundromat. Yeah, it's nice. It's my exercise for the day. I knew you would I knew you wouldn't be like I'm always I'm always working. It's not a bad couple. How does this benefit me? You know, it's not a bad couple hours because I tell you what once you get it in there You only got 25 minutes. So you got to flip it then you got like an hour and a half to chill

I leave I just drop it for the wash and fold now Although when I was we do have laundry in the building but one time there was a actual piece of shit in the laundry It's my biggest fear dude. Yeah. Oh, I hate it. Yeah, and it was mine, but look Yeah, there was there was shit in the law in the washing machine and so and it doesn't you think the washing machine It's like it's a washing machine wash the shit out. I know it was just gotta go somewhere. Oh, it's a solid turd right there Someone's cranking out the fiber. Yeah, you know how people say that if you own a gun You're more likely to get shot Do you think the way that you live your life is results in shit winding up in your washing machine?

It could be it's like one of those things you dance with inevitable. Yeah, the odds on Fan duel of that happening in my life When you keep your underwear in an air max box You're really rolling the dice. Yeah, it's like if I step in shit. Yeah, there's a good chance shit It's gonna be on my clothes. I can find you like inviting a vampire fighting a vampire in your house I mean you're crazy. Yeah Yeah, this is from Herman Is it garbage to not wash a football jersey you wore when your team won us to not wash the magic off?

So the superstition I I see where he's going, but I would say never fucking wash a football jersey What do you you're getting at that dirty? That's true. That's a good. I'm playing. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I guess if you're playing I don't I don't think Herman's playing. I know I took that as you're watching the game I thought too. I was he was playing. Maybe he's playing. How old is he though? I mean, we don't have like high school kids listening this guy's in his 30s. Yeah, at least my cousin listens Shout out to the CB South Titans. Yeah, but he's your cousin. Very true. I'll be pay him Keeps a demographic We got to get some add dollars out of this

Tap into the younger market here. Those kids are spending their mom's money. Let's go Buy a $2,000 shopping bags. These kids are whales. Yeah, I didn't have I don't think I've ever Do you own any football? How many jerseys do you own any jerseys? I have so what shoebox are they? What pizza box I used to be Any type of box I keep around You just got to wash it off a little bit Yeah, you keep the little Ottoman thing in there and it keeps it safe No, I I used to be a big Jersey guy. I could I could picture

Basketball basketball jerseys mostly, but I did have I had some Colts jerseys I had a Peyton Manning and a Marvin Harrison and Joseph a die Did you spring for the really expensive ones or just went for like the it was always the cheapest ones one time? I got fucked on that because I went to TJ max and that's which is my plate I'm trying to get a sponsorship number 19 of the most That's a basketball jersey It's like the Peyton Manning, but it's a jersey, but it's actually You know sweet back who are you fooling with you know was sweet back in the day

Do you remember the t-shirts that had like the stripes right here? Mm-hmm. They were it was like it was almost like elastic Yeah, I have a number on it. Those were pretty fuck. That was they were like kind of baseball jerseys. Yeah, right? Yeah, that's more But I went to I went to TJ max and I found a jersey that was it was T-Mac it was Tracy McGrady, and I was all hyped it was on sale It was like 20 bucks, and it was like a Nike jerseys It's the only nice jersey I ever bought and then I realized I found out he got traded that Like one of those kids in Africa

Buffalo bills champion chip shirts running around I love that they do that by the way, but I learned that as a kid. I thought it was the coolest thing That's one of those things that's like so funny that it feels like it's not true I would I would want one of them. Yeah, just for like, you know, that would be cool. Yeah. Yeah, cool to have We talked about just before I think what is the classy is Jersey in your opinion question Yeah, if you hadn't you were going to a wedding and you were like fuck the only thing you had was one Jersey of each major sport. Oh, what would you wear or any sport? You can only wear that. I think I think a baseball Jersey is the classy. I think he's been stripes. I think it's just the button. It's a button up button up

That's what Chris Honestly nicer than how Sean Donnelly dressed for my wedding I All right, he wore like a polo or something. He looked fine. He's a guy. I love that boy But he was maybe the worst I just got all bruised up with him this weekend. I think the the most Socially acceptable in the summer would be a basketball jersey. No way at a wedding Leads at a wedding man

Just in general public, I think you can get away with that I think football is definitely football and like hockey are the worst No, well Fidelberg from Barstool, and this is a good. I think it was him. He said I would go Hockey Jersey because it is technically called a sweater and that is a dread is an Always so baggy Yeah, the football football Jersey, I feel like is usually a bad look. That's the worst. Yeah, it's not good You just see somebody in a fucking like Ram's Jersey or a Raiders He will wear him to weddings a funeral or something same

Yeah, the last wedding I went to somebody was wearing an Indiana somebody was wearing a football jersey, and it's like really You have a conversation with them because I would love that's that's as dirtbag as my family is that's never put on a collared shirt People who have the balls to do that aren't the type of people you want to talk to you with the wedding Yeah, I mean, I would just want to know like what was your thought process? Yeah, did your house just burn down with what is it on fire? Did you just run from Sam Townsend? It's the most expensive thing they own so they go. Oh, this is right That's true. This is the best piece of clothing. I had a good one. It was a hundred and fifty dollars No, I don't have a hundred and fifty dollars shirt. So it would be you know what I mean how much did this run? I

Generally just don't find them comfortable. No, obviously. I don't have the right to good body for it. What they're made for you What do you know? Not no commentary on your body here, but like it's the football jersey is the male moo moo like it's what it's what it's like Our pregnancy clothes, you know, I Know with a hair also make you look a little jack because they got the you know, they make you look more jack Well, I put the pads on We're in a helmet at the wedding 22 that one that I have hanging doesn't have the

The elastic on it. That was my high school jersey So we we took we all took shoelaces and put it or put it in through the little like a little area in here Mm-hmm, and tighten them. Of course, we didn't realize that you needed that flexibility. So we were all fucking running I'm just getting fucking laid out Yeah The other team must have been so hyped to look at you You're doing chest bumps and stuff like an old Star Wars figure You are a bozo all right this one's from Joe new ten dollar homie has anyone your family ever bought installed spinning rims from Walmart my

Divorced dad picked me up from school one day and a ten-year-old Eagle Talon with plastic spinners and LED lights in the floorboards That's when I knew I was absolute trash That's tough. I knew one kid that had him in high school and he genuinely thought they were cool Like didn't do it as a joke. They really hit hard when people when those plastic rims came out a lot of people got on top of those I wanted them. I thought they looked cool as hell. Yeah, I wanted the spinning one But my I always had a piece of shit car that I mean although that's usually what they were on Yeah, oh, yeah, the actual ones of the metal one spinners were pretty sweet. Yeah, the spree wells. Yeah, yeah Shout out to the troll spree. Well, they he invented those. That's true

Right when he was choking that coach You know would really improve the aftermarket value of my car Choking the shit out of you Yeah, it was his he had a rim company or a customization company and they were called the spree. Well the sprees Yeah, those are cool as hell Lamborghini door Because people started putting let the doors On escalate

Exhibit X to the Z I would love to see a dock on like what those cars look like now the pit my ride cars Well, they were all comedians. I came to find out. Oh, really was on it. Oh I thought it was I guess what I thought of it. You look at a Toby like he produced his buddy or something there was No, no, no Tiffany Hattish was on oh Shit, yeah, it was like a casting call. I mean, I also think they hit them with MTV does that a lot Yeah, you think it's a contestant and all those old MTV I watch them a lot me my me my lady loved it like watch like the date my mom and like parental control and shit Cuz it's so obviously cast yeah and scripted next is like one of the funniest fucking shows of all time

If you watch it now, it's I thought it was real when I was a kid and then you watch it now And you're like I was a dumb ass like it's so clearly scripted. Do you think cheaters was real cuz I got to feel I think cheaters was real. Yeah, I think cheaters was real. That was fake. That was fake. Yeah. God damn it Why don't believe in anything anymore the second I mean the WB come on let's go No, but they used to give them you had to pay the tax bill cuz you can't put $50,000 into a car Like they that's gotta be they had to pay tax like a gift Yeah, they had to pay the taxes. That's so it was like hey, you can't afford a new car

But yeah, but they got rid of them immediately. Wait, I don't understand why Yeah When you go if you win the price is right. We have to pay the taxes on the showcase showdown. Yes, what you know that Yeah, it's a huge that's like you can't just give away Things like that. Yeah, some people turn down their winning. Yeah, I don't fucking want it because they're either like hey to leave here You gotta give us you gotta write a check for 11 grand and if you're in the fucking studio audience, you don't have it You're not like two o'clock on a Wednesday Yeah, you're a couple tall boys

It's people like to cover I the second you said that I was like I gotta go to that price is right Crazy what things that the expect people to fucking man, that's a fucking ripoff. I didn't know that Yeah, you gotta pay the taxes on it. I mean bullshit Yeah, I was the best Because you're gonna win cold hard cash with Plinko. Yeah, you gotta pay tax on that too. Yeah, but I'd be like only give me half Yeah, if I won 10 grand, but give me right. Yeah, take your Italian vacation and stick it up your ass I remember he's a new watcher and dryer that the vacations pissed me off

I was always like that's like three days. You can't like some people are winning like cars. That's what I want And now I'm like, I'd love the vacation for four hours at Niagara Falls Barkers with you making the move on your girl, you know, he's making a move on your lady and she likes it Oh, yeah, and you kind of like it too Bob did well. Yeah, but let's talk about that. But spoke post baby also known as the box of awesome They do offer the box of awesome there and they like to break it up in the season sometimes right now We still got a little bit of the summer. There's still time for adventures There's still time to get out there do some hiking do some outdoors

We're getting ready for the fall or get ready for the fall ready for a bonfire some nice grooming items Some cool outdoor cookware some bar things you stir it like that shaker martini's cool They got cool guy stuff cool guy shit. You got box awesome here. They're cool. You're a bozo over here You could be over here, but you got to get the box awesome to come over here So you want to do bozo awesome bozo awesome go awesome get a box awesome and enjoy yourself The big guy ain't lying folks. I tell you what they sent us about a thousand things so far We each got knives. We got a hammock. We got they just sent me to The smoker for the cool cocktails. I'm doing everything over there

I'm like Tom cruising cocktail on my place my nice next to my bed. Uh-huh. Yeah, cut your fingernails Guys to get started just take the quiz of awesome comm your answers are gonna help them pick out the right box for you They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories Yeah, they do each box is valued around a $70, but you pay a fraction of that fraction at a price plus with box of awesome You're supporting small business nearly 90% of everything that comes from box of awesome It's from a small up-and-coming brand and a call to action the turkey jerky You get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at box of awesome calm and at a code garbage at the checkout That's box of awesome calm code garbage for 20% off your first box box of awesome calm code garbage

I don't know it if you could be on any game show, which one do you think you have the best shot of taking the cash down? Oh That's a guy I feel like somehow I feel like dealer no deal. I would never understood that I hate that show It's the worst show it's What that's what the briefcase is right briefcase. It's fully random. There's no skill, but the idea I don't know how it lasted as a show. You're just watching people open fucking suitcases and then you're like, yeah, I guess that's how much money I guess I don't know they did that on 30 rock with gold. Yes. They had they had the three girls All had briefcases the one in the end was like barely hold it up. That's a great number three That's a great actually I think wheel of fortune. I think I would do well

Yeah, I love wheel of fortune The wheel of that hour of TV is so funny because wheel of fortune is for the dumb asses and jeopardy is for the smart like smart people Oh, yeah, I'd watch that even watch. Yeah, it was a waste of time Go clean your glasses, dude. I sucked it. I sucked at jeopardy. No one in my family was ever it never even got turned on I would there'd be whole brackets where I wouldn't understand. Yeah, what does a pee have to do with anything dude? It took me. It took me the longest time to understand answering in a quite. Yeah, so give them the question I was like, what is this? I was so confused. Mm-hmm. I do like it now But I like trivia shit, but it's I think I would do very poorly. No, there's a whole like

I'll tell you a bunch of sections. I couldn't do me and my girl playing on her phone Which I think we do pretty well at that fucking family feud. Let's go. That's that's you screaming at each other There's a family just to hang out with Harvey for a couple hours. Yeah, all right any type of domestic violence Public screaming What'd you do with my fucking ties Why would she have your ties those are my shoeboxes You put your shit in your shoebox She have her stuff in shoebox. Yeah, it's all shoeboxes. All right, let's drop the fucking shoebox

It's like a goddamn footlocker over there. Is that what it looks like in the back? I think I got a nine in a bunch of shoeboxes and suitcases under her bed with our clothes It's a pain in the ass to get anything Catch me if you care over here look I come here to escape I didn't come here to be ridiculed I didn't come to your place of work with booze to be ridiculed You have the world's largest seltzer, I didn't even know they Mean I know there's the regular then there's one step, but that's like a Mondo guy. Well trying to get that talent

They only sold this type in this size of can. Oh That's not a good sign of the neighborhood No, it's by the way quick aside I just got ten bucks from the Limerita corporation because of a class-action lawsuit I feel like that might be the most I That's like the trashiest thing I think I've ever heard. I mean that was one of the big questions We've always have you ever been in robbed in a in a class-action lawsuit. No one's ever said yes So we stopped asking I just did some two people sent this to me and I was like wait actually I could get in on this

Would you get mesothelioma or something? He's still addicted. I can't I can't give up the stuff I got scurvy. I thought they told me there was limes in there Black black for Bud Light lime. Well, what's give me the rundown? What's funny? Are you a legal leader how to talk about it? I don't think it's okay We could all go down Just so everybody knows after lawyer fees, it's only 650 look this thing goes all the way to the top Well sleepy Joe has his hand in this it's truly gay 22 My apartment, there's just strings and little Bud Light cans all over the wall. Where's this go?

No, so what happened and what's funny is I actually shouldn't have it because I knew that this shit like That there's not tequila in a bud Bud Light lime arena. I knew that because they couldn't sell it at bodega. Yeah, so it's a mall Yeah, yeah, so but they got sued because people were like no we thought there was tequila in here really I get 10 bucks How did you get a lawsuit because it was just like if you had drank they just said list how many of them you drank between Like 2017 Yeah, you're John, I know how to speak idiot. Yes So there's like a website if you have ever done this, yes, please sign up you go to that website and check it

Mm-hmm. Well, I know I don't check it somebody sent it to me Yeah, it's not like a clad like because they knew that you partake in yes, why I'm already that was my big thing for a while Yeah, Lyme Rita's I mean how trashy is it to drink Lyme Rita's yeah sign up for the class that I'm suing when to wait around for the That worm wasn't real Having to list how many and what type I drank was a low point in my life I think so do they ask for any documentation There's two

Then I do a picture to be true. I do have on my Instagram There's just a sad picture of a Lyme Rita can from back before I realized Instagram was like gonna be our whole career I thought it was just like yeah, you post dumb fucking pictures on here And I had one of just me drinking a line There's just a can of a Lyme Rita that I just finished. It was a very sad picture But that's fucking I did have documentation, but there's two for parts of the Form one is if you have documentation you could make like 20 bucks, but without they were just like yeah I just say her can't say you guys get no it's just total

He's if you guys want that 10 bucks you can get it you can get 10 bucks right now I really did have a bunch of Lyme Rita's Do you know how many people were involved in the suit probably tens of thousands? It didn't say it didn't say on the thing, but I think this is I think most of Indiana was affected by this lawsuit Holy shit, what did you get about Aaron Brockovich? God damn. They're gonna Venmo me. Oh my god No, they're not. I might have gotten fish You only gonna send them $500

They send you lawyer fee, but you get it back once you win Let me ask you this if right now they reached out and you said hey How about a couple Lyme reas instead would you get 100%? My address is I gotta go golf after this Stop by a bodega and pick them up. Can you call it? You think you're gonna get them in an hour? I need them now You guys got an office in midtown or something. I want those sent priority air

To the chip and putt flushing Queens Tell them there for me Man that is trash I can't believe I just remembered that. Yeah That's the biggest score of your life How'd you forget that? It's like finding a Bitcoin dude. I see in the shower when it came through banging on the wall It's like you were built in a lab to be a guest on the show. Oh, it's crazy

Yeah, that was one of those I was like, oh when you texted me. I was like, have I done anything trash? I feel like I really cleaned my life up and then and then I remember that we'll take care of that Yeah, you just keep doing you make it love to a burrito on your wedding night How could you forget you were involved in a class that's so I know I also got food poisoning twice this week That's the other doesn't matter. I ate the day after our wedding We went from the hotel back to our apartment and I read I remembered I had old lamb and rice in the fridge Oh, that I had gotten from the boat Damn is not something I learned my I learned the hard way because I heated up when we were going to another hotel for our

like mini honeymoon and I He I was like, let me eat this so it doesn't go fully bad Right before we left and then I was ill for the whole the whole day. It was how old was it? Five days What do you where'd you get on the street? It was a bodega one. It was the deli next to me and what shoebox was this? Put this in the Air Force one Holy and then I ate at a place called crab bros that Made me the sickest

Dice it was so bad who heals from eating spaghetti Who heals from eating from getting food poisoning from eating five-day old lamb And then the next day rolls a dice at a place called crab bro. I was desperate Needed something I need a crab, but I needed from a bro It only cost me two high-fives I just picture I'm sick the next day a bro would never do A little food poisoning a little food poisoning is sometimes all right this really The crab bros one was bad. Where is this crab bros? It's right

It's by I've mentioned the bar that I like on this on the show before because somebody reached out to me But it's next to this bar called turtles all the way down, which is the it's my favorite bar Okay, it's got they raised their prices a little bit Joe Biden's America I Raise beers from a nickel to Shit No, but it's six dollar beer and shot, but it's next door. It's good. New York. It's really great Seven seven or eight. It's even good. I'll take a seven. I don't mind that at all

But five it was five now at six great deal had a good time there But I hadn't eaten all day and a crab bros is right there. So it's in Bed-Stine. It's uh, you know I don't want to speak ill of them, but it's the worst place I've ever been So we're gonna get a fucking class actual all season the sis from fucking the bros That was not rad dude. I'll drop it all if you give me one more free Listen if you want to come out there as you can talk to the car I'll handle all the the cars on retainer at the moment to handle all of our all of our crustacean lawsuits Did you have to you don't have to testify in this?

Specializing crustacean Now what where was I university a long job It's right up my alley brother took down the Gordon's Fisher God You didn't have to testify or anything, right? Oh No, actually, yeah, I did check a box that was like you swear that everything's true. Yeah, I guess I'm drunk What do you want hopped up on my liquor The shit people sue for that's fucking crazy

All right, this one's from Thomas ever wait outside a bar for it to open I I'm sir. Yes, I have I've done it for tailgate purposes of like I'd been drinking and then like the bar opens it to Right, so it's like but it's more of an event. I'm not like Waiting around for it. Yeah, I'm boozing sure place starts selling booze it to Yandering around the front of the front of this shop I've done it like a buddy my buddy's bar like my home bar in Indiana. I would be like, oh, they're open at five I'm already in the neighborhood. I'll hang out and my buddy would be the one opening it So it didn't feel as bad as like you're waiting for them to turn

Kill two locals My anxiety doesn't let me I never want to be the first person in a restaurant or the last person in a restaurant Yeah, I know there if it's 10 30 we walk into 10 I can't do it man because as a server I used to be like you fucking piece of shit I feel I definitely do that at restaurants 100% with about I don't like to I because I've done that before and felt Like the biggest piece of shit when I was in my early 20s usually make you feel like yeah, and you should like It's a dumb ass thing to do. It's not it's not good, but bars. I always tell them I'm off. I'm often the last person to bar and I I tell them like just tell me when you're ready to go

Sure, and I'll and I'll go home with you Serving you told you to leave many hours ago No, but I always and I always tip a lot if I'm there late sure I always tip a lot anyway of bars because I'm like I I want to I like we drink free so often in our business Of course or like the last two nights I've closed down the comedy cellar bar, and I'm like I will throw you money and the second you want me out of here Please tell me I will be out of your hair and heartbeat. It's a good spot to drink the fat black bar It's my favorite. It's the best bar. It's I mean, it's also free for us. Sure different, but it's also a sobering moment when like

You're in you're in party mode. You're like, yeah, there's like a handful of guys I would say there's like 15 people to bar and then there's 10. Yeah, and then there's eight Yeah, and then there's five and then it's like you and one other guy the lights are on and you're like oh the chairs are off You still have the cleaning stuff. Yeah, that's a such a so you're like I gotta get the fuck out of here The vibes are no longer hot the other guys telling you about crypto And you're like I don't need I just want to drink I don't want to talk to you, but then sometimes the bartender locks the door and the ash rays. Yeah I'm saying once even the last part of the vibe. Yes, you're like it's after that over

I should have left 20 minutes ago being the guys that make the cutoff for the after hours Yeah, feel like you're at the Met Gala that dude Now you guys are cool. You guys are cool. Come on man. You gotta get and they kick the other people out Yeah, now you're a couple of burning rules couple extra trips to the bedroom. We're having a good time Yeah, cuz you got a shit so I got a bad poor boy, I'll be back in a minute. Why do they open these at every next every bar No, it's but be yeah when you're in the in like that when the bartenders are like get in here It's the best feeling in the way. I always said in New York City to feel good

You need a bodega like a corner store. Yes Hey, why are you doing and a bartender? Yeah, and a local watering hole little let you hang by the bing by the boogie A couple of free beers. Yeah, that's the best. Yep. Yep. There's some and finding that in New York was the best because I had in Chicago the g-man tavern which is a Great bar that I used to go to shout out to it right by rugby field Yeah, I used to run a show there and they would always hook us up with a bunch of free beers I think the lady who did that got fired for it, but Tends to happen when the owner's like what would he what have you been doing? Yeah? Yeah, yeah

Yeah, I really want to get hammered. Hey Have a sip To be quite honest with you. I want to find a dark bar. Oh, I've been being pretty good though So I don't I don't want to paint it like I've been I'm drinking right now Yeah, I've been pretty good. I've overall been pretty good. You're not on the stand anymore. You don't got a lot I've been living on the line marita website for ever since I clicked the button Love the self-awareness This one's from Keith haven't had one read is a garbage filled the above-ground pool halfway one month than the other half

The next month to spread out the water bill. I Respect it though if you're jammed up you got to spread it out my mom complains about that water bill every summer She fills the pool. Yeah, you do have a huge Olympic side Which how much can it be 200 bucks a hundred bucks? I don't know T-bone. See how much it is to fill an above-ground pool I mean, I don't even know what size here, right? Do we pay for water? We don't we don't water, right? I don't pay for water. No landlords pay for water in New York. Yeah charging for that shit I Think it'd be a little bit better quality. Yeah, that's crazy. I mean, it's a utility 15,000 gallon pool or only about 135 bucks

You got a family though, I guess yeah, yeah, that's 70 bucks 70 bucks You got to get out at early though. You got to put that first coat on in April He can't be opening up the pool in June or July. Yeah, if you're spreading it out over two months It can't be like, you know opening a Labor Day and be like that's fucking party. Yeah, shut her down. Yeah Do you have a pool growing up at all my? stepdad's mom who watched us Had a an above-ground pool. Yeah, and it was always a point of Contention because we were too I was scared of it. There was always spiders in it and stuff

Yeah, I know I've always been a bad swimmer too, but we would go hang out in it It was all right, but it was it was like under a bunch of trees in the woods and so There would always be bugs and shit in there Oh, that didn't fully take I don't You need at least three daddy long-legged Let's do one more then we got a wrapper up here this one is from Dr. Max Pounder Are you garbage if you know the produce code for bananas is 40 11? Because that's what you type in the self scan when you buy avocados

I got caught I wasn't you did I Wasn't trying to do it on purpose. We were getting I was getting shallots and it said put the code in and There was no shallots. So I just put in scallions and all the same There was a fucking I don't even know that there was a team of broads on me. They were like, well, what's going on? What's going on? I don't know how to fuck. She saw me. It was like a goddamn casino. They got an eye They see you come in they let this guy's gonna take us for all we got crazy stealing vegetables I would have never guessed candy bars Skittle something they brought a cooler to follow you They saw they saw you buying scale they saw you buying vegetables like something's up here

So we got to keep an extra high on this guy, sir. That Tobolone bar is not a scallion Shut up the Tobolone bar by the way, that's a great bar Buddy such a good time man, thank you so much. We love you. Congratulations on the wedding congratulations on the lawsuit Have you picked out any, uh, you know investment property? How my court settlement ruined my life. I'm putting it right back into the anizer bush corporation Right nice place for my shoeboxes by the beach Hey, congratulations pop a shot champ. Hey What do you got coming up on I know I got a bunch of stuff

I have a new podcast by the way for the football season coming out My buddies Tim McLaughlin and Connor Delant. He just started a podcast called the three horsemen It's a cold podcast where we shoot the shit talk football. Have a good time I also have stand by your band the music pod gotta have you boys on course I'm gonna be at Kansas City Comedy Club. I'm going to Austin Cap City. I'm going to Louisville playing of the tapes I'm going to Winnipeg. I'm going to Poughkeepsie Houston I'm all over the goddamn place. It's doing shows out there in a row. I'm doing my album at the end of the year too and special and

Fort Collins The comedy for it. Yeah, Fort Collins, Colorado Tom to car one of the absolute best comedians working. We fucking love you. Kippy. What do you got for guys? We're all over the road Providence and Boston are sold out at the moment. We've had it. We're working on adding shows Philadelphia. We added a second show Work on New York. We have We're all over the road check out the fucking sketch guys come see us. We fucking love you and we'll see you next week. Peace