Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Trashy Real Estate w/ Tom Thakkar

Episode Date: May 22, 2023

Kippy and Foley are joined by old buddy Tom Thakkar! Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Come to a live show! NEW MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/hfoleycomedy/ Live Shows: https://areyougarbage.com/ PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Beis Travel: https://beistravel.com/garbage Mint Mobile: https://www.MintMobile.com/GARBAGE Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Promo Code: AYG Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Game, you got a live show bomb show to drop on you right now. Just added a second show at the Vogel Theater, August 11th, over here in Red Bank, New Jersey. Grab some tics and come see the boys. Yeah, shout out to the Army Garbage. We sold it out in four days. So we added a second show. Get those tickets before they're gone,

because they're going to go. We love you. It's also May 24th, we'll be in Louisville, Kentucky. There you go. Then June 14th, 15th, we're going to be in Cleveland, Ohio and Columbus, Ohio. Then again, back to Red Bank, New Jersey. Get those tickets.

We love you. Be adding dates. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey, everybody out there, and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast.

This is Are You Garbage? Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find that they're good to be classy. They're just a big old piece of trash. I'm your host, H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here at Tooties in a new edition, baby. Living high on the hog.

She just got back from spring break. Ankle bracelet should be off sometime around Labor Day. Good for her. Jammed up down there. Don't screw around down there, man. You beat your day at that, Toby. My co-host is coming at you from right next to me. Unamused this week.

Swigging a mess on the whole thing, kicking things off in a new studio, just the old fashioned way. He is the CEO of Are You Garbage. He is an international businessman, and he's my best pal in a whole wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan. Hey, what's up, gang?

Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure your rate view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are. Trigger out. Cooking. And obviously, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the greatest website of all time,

www.patreon.com. So, Are You Garbage, baby? Check it out. You got bonus episodes. You get hard feelings. You get a crap ton of content on here. Check it out. It's a good time, gang.

Check it out. Have a nice, quick shout out to our producer, Extraordinaire, the Magic Band. Makes us all look good. Works those ones. Works those twos. Crosses them t's. Dots them i's.

Now you can get a little peek at them with the Toby cam. Give it up for T-Bone McScruffins. Toby McMullen. What's up, dudes? What's up, T-Bone? Did you guys hear the news? What's that? Is that our guest one all-time dude at the home awards

this year? Yeah. You mean the biggest piece of dirtbag trash I've ever seen in my life? Gang, the long hair ain't lying. We got a goddamn fan favorite in the room. What the hell? I didn't come here to be fucking sandbagged.

I didn't show up here. I thought I was going to get a classy introduction by the way. Shut up with the biggest big gulp I've ever seen. That has coffee in it. This is coffee, baby. This is coffee, brother. That's insane. I got a life hack for your fans, baby.

This is cold brew nitro brew coffee from 7-Eleven. It is a game changer. Game changer. It changed my whole fucking life. I'm here to tell you about it. I used to feel like shit. Now I feel much worse. But I used to feel like shit.

But I got 20 ounces of free cold brew. This is like 30 ounces of cold brew. That's too much. And they fucked me on this one because. They're always out to get you. They're always trying to get me. But they fucking on this one. They wouldn't take a check.

It's my mom's check. She said I could have it. Paying them in rolls of quarters. Oh, I thought I had one in my pocket. I used it at Bodega last night. Why would you have rolls of quarters? Because I was selling merch in fucking Tulsa. Somebody thought it would be funny.

What, on arcade? Somebody thought it would be funny to pay me in all quarters. And I was just like, just give me the fucking quarter. I need every dime I can get. Gang, he's one of our absolute favorites. We love him. You love him. The best.

And he has a brand new special out right now on his YouTube page. Takar Nuar. Give it up for Takar, everybody. Thanks for having me back, boys. You're on. You're on. He's back.

I will say, this new studio has changed you, boys. The vibes in here, when the mics are off, they don't look at each other. It's gone to shit. Sit and eat my cucumber sandwich. They got too much money now. It's over. The Toby Cam ruined everything.

They show it to shit when they got the Toby Cam. We're jumping the shirt. Me and him are all fucking swinging around and stuff. We're suspended. So what kind of mayonnaise you like? OK. Sitting on pelotons. Real snobby, snobby.

Buddy, how the hell are you? I'm good, dude. I'm good. I just got a little house in LA. I'm here. I'm back in town. I'm back in town to get my cats. I feel like I'm in a movie, like a dumbass, like.

That sounds like a Seth Rogen. I got to go back and get my cats. I'm coming back for my cats. Time to car starting, dudes. Where's my cats? Let's go. Let's write this script. Toby, get on it, man.

What are you doing over there? Give us the backstory. You moved that to LA. You're out in LA. So you're buying a place. You're a landowner. Landowner, place. Landowner, yeah.

You own a property in Los Angeles County? Well, yeah, actually it is County. It is County. That's it. Eat County, County, County. Cell number 3280. I haven't, it's full of Rattlers, but I think it's going to be nice.

They don't do much testing out there anymore, so you should be all right. He ain't going to need that microwave, boy. Yeah, all my food is cooking automatically. It's so weird. It's in my fridge. Just hot chocolate's going all the time. Why does the ice keep melting?

Oh, that's great. Where's the spot at? East LA, Boyle Heights area. Can't get too specific. These psychos. The woodworks. I think it might be a bad neighbor, I don't know. I haven't heard great things about East LA.

Yeah, I tend to live in places that the Rappers are like to talk about. Have you picked a side yet? Crips or the Bloods? They do make you pick. He isn't all blue, I didn't want to say anything. I picked. I made my choice, so.

What was that process? It was a pain in the neck. Joining the gang? What's your credit like? I got good credit. OK. Good credit, because I opened two credit cards like within the last two or three years,

but I've always paid my bills. Two weeks before you walked in. I didn't know. I had a Southwest credit card that I just kept open. I think that might be. You think that's the trashiest credit card? It's not classy. Southwest?

Southwest is a rough one. Southwest is a rough one. I don't know if the other one's offer. I don't think there's a spirit card. There's a spirit to your credit card. I don't think there's a frontier. There might, though. We should look that up.

I think there is a spirit credit card. They all have one. They have. I mean, it's just, yeah. But having one would be fucking insane. Did they get you on the plane? Did you sign up for it on the plane? No, no, no, no.

I was, I had been here in comics, bitch, about they were like, these idiots don't use their points or whatever. And I was like, oh, I should be doing that. And then I lived in Chicago, so there was a bunch of Southwest flights. I'll give it a make sense. Oh, here it doesn't work. Yeah, it's tough out here.

There's barely any. So I switched to that sweet Delta. I'm a Delta man myself. Delta. Delta AMX? Oh, yeah. Look at you. AMX plat.

It's assigned to Delta. So you get into the Centurion lounge. That's all right. Yeah. That one at JFK is pretty. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I just heard you guys talking about this.

I have gotten drunk on that speak easy. Dude, I heard you guys talking about that on We Might Be Drunk. I was like, I know that exact speak easy. I love that shit. You're going to get fucked up in that place. You get fucked up, dude. That's like my favorite thing in the world to do is have a travel day, where I don't have a show.

Oh, that's the best. And then you're just chilling at like the San Francisco Centurion lounge that used to suck shit. Now it's way better. And they've got these cocktails. I took, I have all these pictures of my phone of just blurry menus that are, this is a good fucking drink. I want to make this myself.

I can't even read it. I'm just crying. What if I got Mountain Dew bitters? You drink so much, your phone gets rung. That's all right. But isn't that something, a couple dirt bags like us end up in a fucking nice Centurion lounge, getting blackout drunk on free booze.

It's a good, welcome to the good life, baby. Filling up your big gold cup. Yeah, they let me bring this in there. Just fill her up. I have done that move. At Delta Lounge, as you can have like. I have a little spritz in there. I've fought an old fashioned to go cup out of the Delta Lounge

and taking that on the plane with me. Yeah, you feel like a dirt bag, though. You're going to feel like a dirt bag. Yeah, I did that. And then I have a crown that's like loose or something. It just pops out every once in a while. I had my little cup. Loose or something.

It just pops out every once. It's a post that's broken. I shouldn't say this. You didn't tell the real estate agent. People are going to be worried about me. This showed up on my thing. That's your credit. I got a loose crown.

I could take that good bun out if you want me to. Scrap it. It's just getting on the plane with the fucking tooth that just fell out, like fucking a whiskey. You just don't feel, you know. Do you get the crown fixed? No, I got to get it fixed. It's too much of a process, and I was filming the special.

And I was like, it falls down, and I just jam it back in there. It's also like, it's like a screw. This guy put teeth back in his head. It is so lame. That's got to get stinky. Yeah, I don't think it stinks yet. Do you take it out and brush it, and then put it back in? No, no, because it's like, it is stuck up there.

But if I eat like Jello or something, or something. How much do you eat Jello? Look, you guys have missed out on this Jello. I've been hanging out. You know when you're eating Jello all the time? I haven't had Jello since. I've been hitting up these retirement communities. I'm living large.

You going to finish your jiggler? I've been spending a lot of time in the hospital lately. I'm not doing too well, fellas. Things are going great. But no, it's like, I got to get a flapper on it. But I was like, oh, maybe I'll just not have it in there. That's not a, is that a real word, a flapper? I think the guy said it was a flapper.

That'll do. Well, I don't think he was a real dentist. Does somebody say him or what tractor trailers have on them? Yeah, it's like a mudflap. Yeah, it's like a clip-in to it or something. The doctor said I need a doohickey. I think I'm a bomb. I got to have it put in.

My insurance don't pay for whatchamacallits. I feel like you're one whiskey sour away from just crazy gluing it down. I know. Legit, like that's what they did for me the first time. And then they just put cement in there. They did. They put cement in there.

They did a bag of quick creed. They really, they really do. Got it done in a car wash. They were like, this one should last you a couple months. I was eating gummy worms one night. It just popped out. And I was like, god damn it. And then I tried to go back and I was like,

can you just submit me back up? And they were like, you really shouldn't be doing that anymore. I was eating gummy worms one night. It was what I was trying to tell the sauce for. That was his dinner, too. Oh, it was. Fine. I'm trying to think of an early bird gets the worm.

The dirt bag gets the gummy worm. The late worm. No, but I didn't want to be toothless, though, because I was like, well, Stav already does that. I can't be the knockoff toothless guy. So it's tough. Can you see it, though? Like, would you be able to see it if it came out?

Oh, you'd be able to see it here and there. It's a primary. Yeah, it's a second row. It's one of the, it's not main cast. It's a series regular. It is a featured player. Yeah, it's a featured by Cuspid. It's getting on the weekend update every once in a while.

Oh, boy. Wee, god damn it. Throwing rocks tonight, boys. Hey, Matt, good time. Tommy's back in town. Good old-fashioned fan-map, baby. Buddy, congratulations on the special. Thank you very much, man.

Hopefully, I can get some eyes on it. Yeah, baby. And some ears on it. Army of garbage. Go out there and spread the word. Check out one of my favorite guys. I love you boys. And it's through 800-pound gorilla,

so I'm going to be posting clips of it on my Instagram and stuff, so give me a little, give me a little follow. Yeah, I think most of your people have already followed me. You guys got this. You have one of my favorite things. You were reading the comments, and they were like, this guy's the biggest piece of trash. When are you coming to my town?

It's true, man. It's true. I've gotten more from you guys as fans than anybody. It's great. You're that guy? We love you, buddy. They're the best. By the way, I was looking at the 7-Eleven company.

I remembered I got a bone to pick. I almost brought the shit in here. You said the 7-Eleven pizza is good. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Are you out of your fucking mind? That is the one.

I have a piece of shit, and I eat other 7-Eleven shit. The pizza is the one thing that fucking sucks. You eat the wings? I eat the wings. The wings are pretty bad, actually. The wings are a little tough. You know what's really good is there's meat tacos. Oh, yeah, they're all right.

Those things. Jack in the box does their own thing. I think we can agree it's all bad. Yeah. It's all odd. I like the twit, like the little roller things. The tequitos. Yeah, like the tequitos.

Or like the actual roller. Or the chicken roller or whatever it's supposed to be. The cheeseburger hotdog's pretty good, too. Yeah, cheeseburger hotdog. There was a Flamin' Yon hotdog, too. Did you ever have that? You never had that? Wagyu hotdog?

I've not had that. Is that good? Yeah, it's good. That's one of those that scared me. I don't like the idea of the combo happening, cheeseburger hotdog. Cross pollination. I don't mess with that.

It's a little chilly on that. That's supposed to mix your cheeseburger and your hotdog. Cheeseburger, not in my Bible. I don't know what kind of household you were raised in. Not in my house, baby. Listen. The Old Testament and our burgers are on a proper bar. I don't have the most refined palate.

I'm going to lead off the dog shit. That's what I'm saying. I don't either. I eat dog shit. But that pizza, I enjoy that pizza. I don't mind the pizza. I couldn't believe it. I'll do it sober from time to time if I'm in a pit.

Mostly drunk when I've had it. I've mostly been banged up. I've done it drunk. Yeah, we're not getting it for brunch. We're not fucking idiots. Well, you just said you eat it sober sometimes. I've had it sober. I've had it sober.

That is a wild move. I've had it sober too. I had it recently. Because this is how I got my whole 7-Eleven thing going, was next to my in-laws place, there's a 7-Eleven that has this cold brew coffee, and you sneak a little big gulp, and you pour that in there. They charge you, like, a dollar.

Wait. All right, so what's this game? You're running this game. They don't sell coffee. This isn't supposed to be in here. Legally, I ain't allowed to have it. I shouldn't even be saying this shit. You guys aren't cops, are you?

I do think they're on to me a little bit, because some of the 7-Eleven's you get to. They don't give a shit. It's because you're going to blow his brains out. Do you see what's going on? Do you care whether you're stealing half and half? What's happening in those places, man? There's bull on meth labs in the fucking microwave.

There's a guy cooking crack over there. Yeah. It is true. You can kind of get away with anything there. It's wall. It's wild that they still have, like, the condiment bar. Like, just an open air. You go to town, yeah.

Man, if you're in 7-Eleven pickles, you're in a bad spot. Yeah, that's tough. They lock everything up now, too. They do. Not of the one by, oh, you mean, like, the deodorant and shit? No. Like, the condiments? No.

No, OK. I ain't going to that. Let's see. I get my olives from my martinis there. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You're locked up the onions with the health, girls. No, they mean, like, the one in the West Village, they have all the drinks locked up.

Oh, yeah, that's insane. Yeah, all the booze is locked. I didn't know they sold deodorant at 7-Eleven. I did know that the booze was locked up, because I had to ask them to do it. Yeah, I've had to ask them to, when you're, like, asking a guy, this is, like, an old Indian man, to take out a fucking giant limerita for you.

I don't like the fact that they have to get you, and you're always like, can I have, like, a black cherry white thing? Yeah, exactly, dude. You feel real, real, real dainty about your choices? And then not the grapefruit. I've never related to anything anybody's said more than what you just said.

I had to do exactly that. Those are dirtbag alcoholics, the car. Fuck it, I was going golfing, and I had to be like, hey, give me a white claw, and the guy's just like, what flavor? That sucks. Uh-huh, yeah, you're like, I'm glad you asked. Hey, Grabs, when you're like, no, no, no,

I don't like the guy, I don't like the ruby grapefruit. Do you have a black cherry or a lime? I do a lime. Yeah, I like them, because they fuck me up, and I get to keep my figure. Yeah, exactly, I gotta stay beautiful for this industry. Shout out to the white claw. I mean, by the way, the tooth just falls out.

Shout out to the white claw. All black cherry, by the way, I don't know if you notice that. I do like that. That's all we fuck with. I like the black cherry. I'm a mango man. I don't mind the mango. Mango's not a top three flavor, though, I don't think.

I think they do lemon, lime, black cherry. What's the other one? And raspberry, or something black. Grapefruits, I think after the first three. It don't matter. It don't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Turpentine, it don't matter.

I just don't like the lime ones. Those ones are really? You're a lime guy? Yeah, I'm not a big lime guy. And I'll drink lettuce flavored. I don't give a shit fucking keepin' comment, dickhead. Make it, white claw. The first green this man's had.

The first vegetable he's had is a white claw, lettuce. Romaine, have the romaine white claw, please. Give us, please, give us the scoop on the house. So yeah, we got this fucking East LA house, dude. It's crazy. The process is nuts. And we had to write a letter and be like, hey, we like the house.

Like if somebody else had put in an offer and like it's so competitive out there, it's fucking tough, dude. Getting a house is tough. I don't know how to get a house. I don't know. I feel like you have to get authority for it. Like someone has to like call your parents or something. Yeah, I don't know who.

Like do you just call the landlord and go or the landlord to call the broker and go, I want to make an offer? So you guys are driving around looking? We got a real estate agent, dude. We have this real estate agent. We met this lady on our honeymoon. We met this lady at dinner one night who was like, my mom's a real estate agent.

And then she started working with us and she was brutal. She was just brutal. She's showing us shit holes. We actually walked into somebody's house once and they were just like, what the fuck are you doing in here? And she was like, oh, that's not the place actually that we were supposed to go to. And it was like a dangerous neighborhood too.

It was fucked up. You just hear gunshots like, what the fuck are you doing in here? What the fuck are you doing? Shaking her broom at us. The market out there, if you want to live in Highland Park or something, there are places they sell them as like, they'll be like, this is perfect for people who love HGTV. They mean like fix or upper shit.

But I was looking at places million dollars recently on fire. Currently on fire. The pictures, you can see smoke smoking. All right, we'll take two grand off the brakes. But it's a pain in the ass. And then you find out, like you get to the process of like, oh, we put an offer down, then an inspection comes back

that's all fucked up. They're like, the electricity's hamsters on wheels. They have COVID. And they tell you it's all good. They have to tell you. They have to tell you it's not all good. I mean, don't they come to you? No, the inspector's a third party.

The inspector's like a bipartisan. So they come through. But that's after they post it or list it or whatever. Yeah, but they say, oh, it's all good. Yeah, they don't even tell you anything. They're just like, as is, fuck you. I think it's the offer. You and them make an offer, contingent upon an inspection.

OK, I think. Dude, people need to learn this shit for real, because like, if you can do it, like, you don't need as much money as you thought. Or maybe I'm going to go broken about it. I might be fucked, actually. This tooth might ruin my life. It's going to cost me everything.

But no, if you put like, you can put like 5% down on a house. And then we put a little more just because you're more likely to get it. But yeah, you do that, then the inspection goes through. And then they're like, one of them we were super excited about. It had an extra unit in the back that we could have rented out. And so I make a little bit cashier. Cashier.

Off the books, obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah, have a buddy live in there. Get Toby out there. LA Toby. Gotta kick the raccoons out first. Can't but talk about bass. Turn up the bass. Let's talk about turning a luggage game on its head

and making sure you can fit a nice pair of shoes in there and a couple of extra outfits. Yes, sir. Because I get jammed up with the rolly bags and all this crap. That bass bag they sent us is all right. Yeah, you're like a new guy walking through the terminal. I feel like Mary Poppins walking around. I got a whole family in that thing.

You got a whole, you got a whole compartment for snacks at the bottom. Healthy snacks, that is. It ain't bad, baby. Shout out the bass. Yeah, the bags truly have it all. 360 degree gliding wheels, a cushioned handle, which we have the duffel bags.

Tom Cassie was rolling around with the bass. Yes, he was. With the bass 360, John. Got a nice little gripped handle. Very nice. It was all the talk at the terminal. It was. Building weight indicator, washable bags

for your dirty clothes, tons of interior pockets for all your essentials. In case you're already worried about messing up your brand new bag, bass was created to look even better with miles. So go ahead, chuck it in that overhead bid. Elbow smash it, knee drop it, whatever you got to do, baby. There you go.

Right now, bass is offering our listeners. Here's the turkey. 15% off your first purchase by visiting basstravel.com slash garbage. It's spelled out differently, gang, because they're fancy. B-E-I-S, travel.com slash garbage. Go to basstravel.com slash garbage for 15% off your first purchase.

That's basstravel, B-E-I-S, travel.com slash garbage. Do it. Yeah. Kevin, let's talk about Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile, Daddy-O. You know who's a cool guy? Who? Ryan Reynolds.

Ryan Reynolds. You know who formally owned the company? Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. Sold it to a big company. You know what they did? Kept the same fantastic deals that they've been doing for years.

$15 a month for your internet, for your phone plan. Yeah. Make sure the better choice for your wallet saved money every month by switching to Mint Mobile. I've said it once, I said it 10,000 frickin' times. You know I'm serious when I'm using frickin'. My wife's been using it for years. It's fan-frickin' fantastic.

It's easy-peasy. You buy it by a big bout of boom. They send it right to the house. It's a normal phone, normal phone plan. Just cut out the middleman. No prickin' mortar. That's why they pass the savings on to the consumer. Switching could be easier.

Keep your same phone, your phone number, and all your contacts. The only thing that changes is your bill and a couple more shekels in your pocket at the end of the month, Daddy-O. Do it. To get your new wireless plan just for just $15 a month and get that plan shipped right to your door,

for free, go to mintmobile.com slash garbage. That's mintmobile.com slash garbage. Cut your wireless bill to $15 a month at mintmobile.com slash garbage. Do it, do it. There is. Dude, it is funny. Once you have a place, I saw a spider in the garage.

I was like, goddammit, this fuckin' sucks. I gotta deal with this now. I gotta kill this goddamn spider. Either I kill this spider now, or he's gonna be part of my life forever through a basketball time. Hey, you ball pussy? A one-on-one for the house.

Check it out. Winner. Make it, make it, pussy. Make it, take it, pussy. How does he win? This guy's got all the moves. He's got eight legs, man. How are you going to stop someone with eight legs?

He's spinning the ball on his legs. Cut to you and then Johnny, how did he win? Goddammit, my wife's pissed. She's dating him now. He's just sitting on the ground holding her ankle. All right, so what is the house, a fixer up, or do you need to do some work to? It's all turnkey?

I told my wife, because one of the places we looked at was going to take like $100,000 of work. And her whole selling point was like, there's a pool table. And I was like, I can. How buy a pool table? I'll buy a pool table. I'll steal a pool table if I can. Hold on, man.

What house comes with the pool table? I know. That's where it's like. They left this pool. They don't want to move it. They're like 1,000 pounds. No, that was them being like, fuck you. I don't want to move a goddamn pool table.

And also, this pool table sucks shit. Of course. If it was good, they'd take it. Yeah, of course. But that was like her big selling point. No seven ball. Yeah, you just have to play fucking 14 balls all the time. I don't have cash for no damn seven.

They don't sell the seven by itself. Can't just get a seven. I'm looking for a guy with two sevens. I'm sorry, have you ever been to a store and seen a loose seven ball rolling around? Because I have not. You have to try to steal one from the bar and shit. Keep getting caught.

No, it's turnkey. The only thing was like, there was a couple things, like the lights were fucked up. And I had to like, figure that out. Because they were like fluorescent. Like, it felt like being in a Walmart at night. And I was like, goddamn, we never saw it at night. And I was like, digging in the roof to try to fix it.

And I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. So I had to hire a task rabbit. Which, hey, I just started leaning on that a little bit. It's fantastic. Why try to fake like, you know what you're doing. But you feel like such a bitch. Wait, so all the lights in the new house were fluorescent? Yeah, yeah, they were LED fluorescent.

Was it a bowling alley? It felt, it was tough. Does your house have drop ceiling in it? What's that? Does your house have drop ceiling in it? Drop ceiling. I don't know, but he's taking events to it. What the fuck did you just say to me, Toby?

I'm a homeowner. You can't talk to me like that anymore. I got land pussy. Bitch. So what if a spider's going to own it in a couple of weeks? What the fuck did you just say to me like the tile ceiling in an office? Because that's what it sounds like with the lights.

Yeah, I think it does. But I'm still pissed. How dare you? No, but you feel like when I lived here, I would just have my buddy Tim come and fix it for me. And you know, I just buy him a bunch of stuff. Shout out to him. But there, I'm like, oh, I don't have a handy buddy around.

And my wife is like, well, what if you ask Zach? And I was like, I'm not going to ask Zach. Just some random buddy of mine. I was like, don't be told me what to do. Yeah. So then I just had to call this task rabbit. And when the guy's there and you're home, it just feels like shit.

You're just doing push-ups? Yeah. I was trying to do shit around the house. I was like, I'm doing stuff too, actually. But I was playing with the dishwasher and shit. I don't know what I'm doing. I just had the guy come. Our drawer in our kitchen got stuck.

Something fell behind it, and we couldn't close it. And days, I couldn't get it off. I could not get it off. That's a tough look. You couldn't get a spatula out. Dude, I'm telling you. So I go, fuck. So then my wife, unbeknownst to me,

asks one of the guy who works in the building. There's like a couple guys that live there. They're like under the super or whatever. He comes up, and they're like this Eastern European guy. And I don't know what he's there, but he's like, I'm here to fix the drawer. And I'm like, ugh. Dude, I'm in my little fucking bike shorts.

I got my fucking wiener tucked in. He comes in. And thank god, I saved face because he couldn't get it. He tried for an hour, couldn't get it. He had another guy come up with him and couldn't get it. And then they looked on YouTube to figure it out. I went, all right, I'm not a pussy. I don't know my wife.

I go, see? That's why I couldn't get it. That's great. That gives me an idea. That could be a business. You can't do something, so you hire a guy. He's like, dude, I don't know what to fuck to do. That's pretty good, making you feel still like a man.

And you look like a man in front of your lady. She fucks you. All right, that's right. It's not bad. I want 10%. Like a jar is too hard to open. You hire a guy. He's like, dude, I'm the jar expert.

He's so muscly. I can't get him. This is good stuff. Cut this, Toby. We've got to use this. Make a money here, baby. But it's rough. I wanted to play video games while he was there,

and I was like, I can't do that. Yeah, you can. That's no good. I just had to pretend I was working on my computer for a little bit. Just loudly hitting it. Yeah, I'm actually a writer. Sitting there watching the Mandalorian.

Cut the helmet on. That's all right. Well, congratulations on it. Yeah, thank you, boys. That's great. Happy for you. You're a fucking goddamn landowner. That's crazy.

What's the lawn situation? Lawn? There's not much of a lawn. It's like it's two little patches of dirt, basically. We have a big backyard, though, a decent sized backyard. OK. But it's all fucked up. Yeah, there's no grass.

It's like weeds and shit. We got to go back. There's trees that are falling over. Are you going to do that yourself, or are you going to hot? No, yeah. No, the things I could do myself, I thought were the lights. So now I play video games and chill. I can make cocktails.

Hey, that's all you need, baby. Hey, you boys want a martini? I felt bad. I got there, and I woke up 20 minutes late, too. He was just sitting in the driveway, just eating up cash. I burnt you out. Burning up cash. Where was your wife?

Was she home or she at work? She was home, but we don't have a doorbell. There's little weird problems. There's little, there's all, when you fucking, when you. Is there a house? Look, we're going to put some walls up pretty soon. We're going to get a roof on this place.

I guarantee it. It's a very open floor plan. Dude, we hired this roofer. And he is. Damn, you had to get a roofer? We had to get a roofer. You have to do all this shit. What else did you have to do to get in there?

You got to get a roofer. We had to have somebody come do a plumbing inspection, general inspection, foundation inspection. It's all fucking expensive, too. Everybody costs like 500 bucks. And the roofer guy, all he did for fucking $500, because we had to get him separate, he sends us a diagram, and it just, it's a picture of the roof,

and it says, old, good, bad. That's all it says. I'm like, yeah, I can see that. And then we had to Venmo and 500 bucks. And his Venmo picture, I swear to God, was a picture of him holding a shotgun pointed at the camera. And my wife was like, who the fuck is this guy? Like, it was crazy.

I don't think he's a roofer, man. Yeah. Yeah, 500 bones. Any varmints back there, because you're critters. Cats. There's cats that roam around. Oh, that's OK. Yeah, I like to see it.

It's fun to see them. Are your cats indoor cats or after? They're indoor cats. They can't handle the outside. Good. That's why I'm terrified about fucking taking them back. It's going to be brutal. Have you flown with cats before?

No, no, no. It's my nightmare. I really wish I could have. I just learned there's like a service where they'll do this for you. They'll fly them or drive them. Oh, I don't know. They'll probably drive.

Probably drive, yeah. I mean, you could knock that out in a week or whatever, in five days? Yeah. They hate the outside. They're stupid. They're so fucking dumb and worthless. That's what I was just talking to my buddy about.

They think they're such hot shit, too. Oh, they got such attitude problems. They're on the house. And then you pop their head outside. They're like, eh, the world. Pussies. Any coyotes or anything like that? Mountain lions?

I haven't seen any shit like that. We're not in the mountains, though. You're not anywhere. No. What's behind you? What is behind us? Just a street. OK.

Just a big old, just a bunch of little streets. Driveway? Driveway. Garage? Garage. No garage door opener, though. I was seeing if I can get that installed, but you got to have like a plug that's like the right way.

This is all shit that every little thing we've had to do, it's like you just got a plan on spending a grand on everything. Everything's 1,000. And how many bedrooms is it? Three. All right. Three BRs, baby. So hey, you boys got a space to stay.

Toby's getting written out the other room. I love this. Have a good time. Yeah, I might make one into a studio. What are you doing in the garage? You going to be parking the car in the garage? Are you going to turn that into a little hang? It's not a good spot for it.

It floods real bad. It does flood, and it has been raining a fuckload in LA. So it stinks in there. OK. It's a stinky garage. But you drove the car out, I assume. I drove the car. I drove the car across country, yeah.

Man, I didn't know that. 2010 Toyota Corolla, baby. Oh, shit. It's a reliable vehicle right there. Started right at the end of the drive. It started making a weird fucking noise, and it just stuck around. Sucks, dude.

Did you do it by yourself? Me and Tim McLaughlin drove out. Oh, shout out to Tim. Timmy, baby. Yeah, he drove out. We went to Vegas. We did some shows along the way, then we stopped in Vegas. Right.

I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not too bad. That's a good time. I want to go cross. I want to get an RV. I'm putting this out in the world. RV, RU Garbage, across the country.

I'll meet you out there. Why wouldn't you want to do that? That would be a blaze. It's fun. It does kind of suck, though. Sure. When you have the fucking Tulsa or something. There was one drive we did that was like, Tim was pissed,

because he didn't know that it was going to be a 14-hour drive day, and we had done a show, and then we're like, we got to go to bed at like fucking now and get up at 4 in the morning. But you want a deadline to get out there? Yeah, well, no, I was just, I set up shows. That was how I fucked up. I set up shows every night.

14 hours? I should have done like every other night or something. Should have done every other night. Damn. But it just worked out that way. Woof, yeah. But it was cool, though. It was an experience, for sure.

Yeah, you see this beautiful land. Yeah, man. It's crazy. Some of the parts, like of Utah and shit, are nuts. They're just like things I would have never seen before. And like driving from there to Vegas and to Vegas to LA, I was like, god damn, like it's just beautiful. I heard Vegas to LA is nice.

It's a pretty looking drive. It started raining as we were getting into LA, and people there don't know how to fucking drive in the rain. So it took us like four extra hours to drive through. But no, it's a beautiful little drive. Beautiful little drive, boys. I say we do it. Do it.

All right. We're going to the 2032 tour. How about that? The 2032 tour. That's what, nine years from now? Oh, nine years, OK. I'll put you in a rascal or something to you the whole time.

Put you in one of those fucking U-Haul trailers? Well, his eyes went cross there. That was crazy. He's just that mad. He's not a numbers guy. It freaked me out. I thought you were just naming it. What, you think I named the tour the 2023 tour

and it was in a different year? Yeah, I didn't know. OK, fair enough. You lost me first thing, and I apologize. Gang, this is a not a family episode, but we got company, Mr. Takar, cousin Tommy, in a building here. Of course.

So we go over, we ask your garbage questions. Gang, when you sign up for Patreon, we will answer your garbage question on the air. It's just the best way to do it. Patreon gets the first crank at it. Let's see here. Hit us, Kippy. This one's from Calvin.

Is it garbage to play air hockey at the arcade while the machine is off, but the puck was left out? Yes. That's a freebie, baby. That's a whole run, man. It doesn't fucking hit just as you'll want it. Talk about winner takes all. Oh, yeah.

We used to do that at my old apartment in college because we played beer pong on the air hockey table, and it broke the thing. Sure, sure. Of course. One game. Immediately. One game that broke the thing.

Immediately we toasted the fucking air hockey game. But that's pretty good, an air hockey table in college. Oh, yeah, that's awesome. I mean, that's that shit where you're like, we're going to use this all the time, and then we just didn't. But we had a ping pong table. It was sick, but we would often, because it broke,

we were just like, man, why does this table suck? And then we were like, oh, yeah, the air's not coming through. That was big as a kid. And if you could get a ball outside, I know you're a pop-a-shot guy. But if you had the game, you could somehow get your hands on a pop-a-shot ball. It was like you'd be dribbling around the arcade

or just fucking dicking around with it, and then you obviously had to throw it back in, which sucked. There was nothing cooler back in the day than the mini basketball. Oh, yeah. Man, and they had like the Sixers. They had the Bulls, the Pacers. When you had one of those in your home.

Oh, baby. They were living large. Pominent. You feel like Jordan running around. I used to shoot one of those into a hamper. I was like, I'm ready to go, baby. Yeah. You, I assume, were a Nerf kid, a Nerf basketball.

Oh, yeah, I love that. I do that right now. Truly the first thing I put up in my house. The first thing I put up in my house was a goal and like a little Nerf ball thing. Do you remember? No, Windows, no lights. Yeah, they didn't come with Windows.

Spiders everywhere. Check it out, babe. Got the net up. I hear Duncan. I fucking own this place. I only saw one kid that had one. So the spider's like, I got next. It was the hamper that you would shoot your clothes in.

Yes. And then it fell into the net. That was rich kid shit. One kid had it and they weren't rich. I just remember that's what you would see in the movies. That's like blank check shit. Yes, exactly. First purchase, baby.

Yeah. Those things were all right. That was, I remember being like, damn, I am on the fire. I'm in Saved by the Bell or something. This is fucking wild. You got to every parent should buy their car. Something cool like that. Race car, bed, something.

Look it up. Make it nice. I tell you what, that air hockey, when I was a kid, that technology blew my fucking brains off. I couldn't believe how it just hovered right above there. It was so smooth to move it around. It is cool. I fucking love an air hockey table.

Air hockey. We just played. Right up my alley. Where did we play? In Disney. Orlando, the house we rented, had a fucking game room. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, it wasn't great though, right?

I'm just going to say Disney. The table wasn't great. The ball wasn't great. Yeah, it kept flipping off the fucking table. I played it. We played it. I played it. Dave and Buster's were rolling.

Yeah. At my bachelor party, we found a bar. Actually, I'm going to go back because I'm going back to New Orleans. I'm going to find this bar just because it has a sick air hockey table. Damn. Light it up, baby.

You are a big bar game guy. Oh, yeah. That's how I was raised. Sounds like you have a lot going on there, Tommy. I got a lot of big plans for the future. I'm going to run the table in a fucking air hockey table. I'm going back to New Orleans just to find that ball. I've got to find that.

That is like a game that no one is really proud of you for being. Like, it's not cool to be here. Air hockey? Yeah. Like, there's no movies. There's movies about guys who are good at pool or whatever. You hustle people. But you can't roll up to an air hockey table with your own.

You put your own thing in. You got a little puck thing. You're like, I got an X. Got a custom handle. Everybody's like, oh, shit. I like using it with when you just put the two fingers in there. That's when you feel cool. Oh, yeah. Is that a hole in the thing?

Yeah. That type of strategy? I would fuck your whole life up. Really? You try that? You pull that shit on me? You pull that two-finger pussy shit on my table? You pull that two-finger shit on me?

Disrespect me with like that? You come in Tommy Takar with the two fingers? I fuck your life up. Why, are you right over top like that? I'm right over top. Really? And I'm covering my bases. Old school grip, baby.

And then once I get the stop, I go, all right, your life is over. Sorry, I just. Pants you and call you a pussy. Sorry, my life. Tommy just had a flashback. Kevin's talking about ButcherBox. ButcherBox, ButcherBox, ButcherBox. Let's put screwing around.

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Yeah, me too. I like when somebody picks it. Pick it out. It's like going to your neighbor with Butcher. Send me the box. Do it up. Get a pork loin. You get some cutlets.

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Back to the show. All right, this isn't your question. This is from Sean. I just saw something truly spectacular. I would love to get fucking Tommy's insight. Sunny D. Vodka Seltzers. You seen these? No.

What? That's fucked up. That's like a kid's thing. You can feel the burn into my throat. They're going to do one of those juice pouches or whatever. Oh, Capri Sun. Capri Sun Vodka. I think they have something like that.

That would be actually pretty good. Sunny D. Vodka Seltzers. Sunny D. Pack Vodka Juice Seltzer 4-packing. I give Sunny D a pass on that. They've been jammed up for like 30 years. This could bring them back. They need to come back. Yeah, they need some.

Because nobody's fucking with Sunny D anymore. No. Because it's not even really juice, right? No. Nobody's giving that to the kids. It's not in the cooler. It's just in the aisle. You see that next.

Yeah, that's a bad sign. It's like next to the English Muffins. Yeah, it's bad. It's next to the cement. Yeah. It's next to the. Get it at the depot. And there's something else.

I'm butchering the name Topo Chico. Topo Chico is fancy. Not Topo Chico, the Seltzer. Tropicana. No. No, not Tropicana. There's another. Tropic Thunder.

No. Good movie, though. Great movie. There's another like a Sunny D that's always with Sunny D. I can't think of the name. Yeah, I think I know what you're doing. High C. Is that it? No, no, no.

Love. I was a high C kid. How dare you, sir. But no one, I don't think people aren't probably buying their kids Sunny D anymore. Now like the hell thing has changed. That was a 90s product. Yeah, I used to drink some Sunny D.

For sure. No, that's over. But so this is just playing to the people that, it's playing to us, the people that drank it as kids. What's your respect? It's not a bad idea. I'll probably drink some. He turned around and he got one already.

Anybody want to hear some of the seconds? All right, let's see here. This is from Nikki. Never had one read. Is it garbage or just sleep with a comforter and no sheets? It just feels wrong. I don't have any sheets. You don't have any sheets?

No, like sheets on the bed. Or no, or is he talking like a top sheet? Is that what they're called? I think he's saying raw mattress with a comforter. That is garbage. That's wild. But listen, it's like sleeping in your jeans every once in a while.

It feels really good. Oh yeah, I do that every night. I don't know. I black out every night. It feels good. Just be like if for some reason you're in the middle of washing the sheets, I don't get to get away with it much anymore.

It's dirty, though. I know. It's something about that. Mattress is dirty. You're dirty. It's it ain't right. Sometimes no pillowcase, it just feels good. I don't know why.

I get it. Because you're a dirtbag, maybe? It's like how you like to sleep sideways on the bed sometimes. What? You ever do that? Just in the middle of the day, just lay down sideways. In the middle of the day, I'll give you if you're fucking. Nah, I'm not passing out.

Like getting ready to go to bed. Sideways, yeah. All right, I'll give you that, man. I don't know about that. I like how you pulled back from it. Yeah, I just don't change my mind. Never mind. Sonny D, huh?

That's weird. I've never seen my life. What's the next fucking question anyway? Seasy starting to get judgey. That's what you're talking about, huh? Yeah, what? Fully tipped. Sleeping like a house cat.

Fully so fucking strange, dude. That's why I do it, because the cats are on the good parts of the bed, so then I'll sleep. I'll lay down between them. All right, I'll give you that. I've done that. You pulled yourself out of that one, the car. There were laser beams all around me on that one.

Find a skin on your dead tooth. Guys, are you supposed to have a skin on your dead tooth? I'm really worried. I got a scab on my tooth. It's got a hair growing out of it. That would be some shit you say. You'd be coming back, I'm all fucked up, but I got skin on my teeth.

I woke up the other day, hair on my teeth. My tooth got an asshole. I see you sucking on it a little bit. Yeah, I find myself pushing it. It's that I'm pushing it all the time. Isn't it keeping it up there? This is going to sound real dirtbag. Obviously, those things jam you up,

but I've had situations like that where it kind of, it's like a security blanket. It feels good sucking stuff out of it every once in a while. I love that. No, I don't know what you mean. I don't feel that about this. I don't know. It sucks, dude.

Because it's like a screw. Yeah, I have dental. Real? I don't have dental. I got dental. I got dental. I finally got health insurance, too. It's all through my wife's company, though.

I don't have any of that shit myself. I went without any insurance for a while. You got to let it ride. You can buy a PS5 with that money, baby. That's good American cash. You're blowing on this dummy. Did you go to the doctor and get all checked out? No.

What? He's got skin on him. What, am I in the NBA? What am I in the NBA? He gives a shit. I'll be fine. Just like having the car. Nobody needs to worry about much.

I don't like how you think that's the only people that go to the doctor. I don't like why he's bleeding or something. It's fine. No, but I had a tooth that was loose for a long time, and I used to suck on it all the time. Yeah, yeah. There is a comfort in it.

But once it pops out, you're like, oh, fuck, my life is bad. Yeah, tough luck. The real problem is it's a screw that's attached to it. I used to see that video that would play as I was getting worked on as a kid or whatever, like a cavity or whatever, and they would just constantly play that. Like the cartoon with the screw skieved me out. That's what they want.

They want us all to get screws. They want everybody to get the implants, the fake teeth. Who's that big dentist? Big teeth. Hey, big teeth wants to take all of our teeth and put it in screws. Big enamel. All right, this was from Jeff Nodler.

Shout out to OG Nodler. Shout out to him. Is it garbage if your dad's prize possession is an autographed football with the 97 Steelers on it? Every autograph is actually a print of the autograph and not actually signed. Oh, god, yeah. Yep, yep.

I had one of those. I know that I know those quite well. I had a baseball like that, and it's like, yeah, man, you don't frame that. You can't frame of. But can you really tell? Yeah. Yes, it looks print.

It looks like a t-shirt or whatever. Yeah. A pen versus, you know, print it in like that's a tough look. I mean, even if it was signed, it's not a great look. It's not the best. But it's better. It's better for sure. My first baseball club was a pitcher's

club by Bruce Sutter, and it had his signature in it. And dude, for about two years, I was walking around telling people that it was an autograph. I remember the first time I had the same thing. And my brother fucking blew me up. It's like written in gold or whatever. Yeah, it shattered my reality. It's game worn or whatever.

You're fucking lying to people. Because I remember my mom saying like, now he signed that. Make sure you take good care of it. And I fucking would like sleep with it under my pillow every night. And my brother was like, you know, we just got that at Sears, right? Son of a bitch.

Dude, I meant to tell you guys, I went to the Islanders game recently. And you know, baseball games, you'll see a kid with a glove. There was a kid in the crowd with a goalie mitt, but it wasn't the glove side. It was the blocker's side. The waffle. Oh, god.

I respect that. Don't fuck with that kid. Good for him, dude. Those punks don't fly in left and right. Yeah. You hear about that all the time. That's a cool kid right there. God, imagine if it worked out that he got to do it.

Oh, boy. He looked like a genius. He was like, what was it, bing? Fucking steal your girl, babe. Oh, yeah. That's a good idea. Well, growing up, we would play like street hockey. And somebody had to be goalie.

So you would use the hockey. You would use a baseball glove as the mitt. That sounds like that would be the job for the designated fat kid and the girl. Yep. Yep. I played a lot of goalie and catcher in my day. Yeah, I was catcher.

It's nice, though. You get to block up that net up. Tough to get around. Can't eat your sandwiches, though. Who do you guys say we take five? We got a sandwich break. You guys are all playing in a cul-de-sac delivery guy. I got an order for Henry.

How'd you get Uber Eats out of here? Garg, garg. But somebody, we stole it off of somebody, but we ended up with the waffle. We had one for maybe a year. That's awesome. And everybody wanted to play goalie because yet we had that. Yeah, sure.

You had the actual fucking thing. It felt like a real tough time. My buddy had the, they were like the kid version, but we had the pads. Ever those leg pads? Sure. They were like skin color or like tan, and they were rubber, and they had the black foam on the inside.

I had those. Yeah, the neighbor had them. They were all right, man. You get a pair of those. Woo-wee! Living large. How cool, baby. Felt like a rich kid.

All right, let's see here. This is Nick. $10 Bozo never had one red. Is a garbage part of my family inheritance includes an uncut sheet of $2 bills. Which to me, that's. I didn't even get that. I know, that seems amazing, though.

Yeah, uncut sheet of money. There's always a lot. The $2 bill is the rarest of the bill. There's always a story of somebody's aunt or uncle worked at the Mint, and they were throwing them out. Some bullshit like that. Miss Prince or something, and. Yeah, or the Mint was closing down, so we got them all.

Part of the inheritance, though. Part of the inheritance, though. That's a little rough. Yeah, if you're writing that down, Billy gets the sheet of $2 bills. Yeah, that's a little tough. The rest of it wasn't a house on Shelter Island, or anything like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not seeing a lot. There's no yacht in that one. No, no, no. And the sheet of $2 bills. Your cousin gets the yacht, you get the $2 bills. You're getting the $2 bills. He's getting the fake autographed football.

Do you have any $2 bills in your possession? I do. Not on you, bud. I do. Not on me, but in my drawer, because I. Put the down payment in the house with those. Yeah, when you sell merch, people just want to hand you goofy ass shit.

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I, some people. You get a couple of them? You got a couple? I got a couple. Yeah, I hate them. I don't know. They feel stupid.

You have any good luck charms or anything like that? Not really. Rabbit's foot or anything? No, no, no. I don't believe in good luck. Only bad luck. Only hard times. I got a dead tooth that I carry around for bad hard luck.

Things are going too well. Stuff your $2 bill in there. Yeah, no, I don't have any of that stuff. I have a Reggie Miller jersey that I'll like. I just have it in my house, and I think that's maybe good luck. But yeah, I don't have any charms. Here's a question. Now that you're a homeowner, what's your home protection

plan? What do you got next to the bed? Next to, oh, you mean? I'm going to throw my tooth at him. We have a sick ass, like, we have this crazy sharp knife. Yeah, I got the screw on the tooth. Come at him hot. I feel like he'd be like, I got a bug zapper.

I took the cage off of him. Buddy, come get me if you want, but you'll lose that hand. I lure him into a puddle and then throw it at him. I got a shocking dog collar. I'm going to throw around him. So you got a knife. We got a pretty sick knife that's sharp as hell. Is it in the kitchen?

It's in the kitchen right now. I got nothing in the bedroom. You got to get something in the bedroom. Yeah, maybe I'll get like a sword or something. I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I've got to get at least a little bad or a club or something. Yeah, yeah, maybe I'll get a baseball bat.

I mean, it's different New York City or whatever you're on the fifth floor. Yeah, no one's going to get to you. Sure, they're just right there. That response time out there, I imagine you're waiting about 20, 25 minutes. Yeah, that's clean up at that point. We have a ring camera or whatever, so that won't do something.

It's not set up right now, but it's there for show. It's still in the box. You can post a murder on Instagram in a couple weeks later. Get you some clicks. I felt bad the neighbor came over. This is how I was like, I think it's a bad neighbor. The neighbor came over.

Well, the gas guy was setting shit up. And he was like, hey, could you check your ring camera? Some guy, like some kids like stole a bunch of shit for me the other day. And I was like, ah, man, I don't want to hear that. Hey, can you check your ring? Can someone murder my wife?

Yeah, plus he's turning you into a snitch. Yeah, exactly. Second you walk into the neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck out of here. You're coming to the door with 40s taped to your hands. I can't help you, dude. I'm busy right now.

What? Bad neighborhood. I'm busy. You saw that spider, too, huh? Oh, shit. How is the rest of the properties around you? Is it a lot of young people moving in? A lot of loud dogs.

No young people. It's a lot of loud dogs. It's funny. Dogs you never see, but only hear. You only hear these dogs. And when the mailman comes through, they pop off. That mailman should be terrified. Because this dog next to us, they have this fucking tarp

that's set up to where we can't see in their yard or anything. It looks like shit. And we're going to try to paint it or something, because it's on our property. This is a tarp. I never wanted to be a guy who's like, that's our property or whatever. But isn't that tarp smart?

That's my tarp. But your neighbors have a tarp up. The blue one? Like a blue tarp. It's a bright green tarp that we got. I know it, yeah. But we just hear the dog barking and ramming his head into the tarp.

Crazy ass. Trying to get out. Boys, I am touching go. I'm going to be honest with you. I keep thinking I'm going to maybe throw up. So that's why I'm touching my stomach. How come you guys decided to buy? Was it investment?

Rent is so fucking high in LA. It's investment. We want to start a family and shit. You got to do it. You should jump in, baby. What's the school district like where you're at? Probably bad. I don't know.

I'm thinking about all that shit. You just said you wanted to start a family. I didn't say they had to go to a good school. They're going to join the Crips. You got to pick a side, baby. If we buy a bunch of blue baby shit, they'll like, oh, it's a boy. It's like, no, no, no.

That is our crib, baby. That's our crib, baby. What are the schools like? I don't like it, man. I don't fucking know. I got to go to a school before I buy that fucking nerd. Oh, can I see your school? Can I meet some of the teachers?

How are you doing that shit? So the kid's not going to go to school for at least another, if even if you know now. At least like five years. Yeah, you got five, six, seven years on you. They would get that tarp down. Yeah, once that tarp comes down, we'll start talking about schools.

Uh, are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right. I'm all right. You want to take a minute? No, no, no. I'll be all right. Did you drink it last night? A little bit, but I ate some bad chicken.

Every time you're in here, you ate something bad. I know. I fucked up. What'd you do? I ate some bad chicken and rice, I think, and it's been fucking me up for like a day and a half. Where'd you get it? Just some bodega, a random ass deli.

It sucked. Bad deli. You're like a shark. I know. Dude, you rolled the dice. Did you come back? He's got a half gallon of gas station off of you. Turns out the way I live my life, apparently,

the way I live my life, you're going to throw up every once in a while. Dude, dude. I'm that way with diarrhea. Yeah. Yeah, same. It is a big old cave with a dozen oysters. Thought it'd be all right.

Did you have 7-Eleven oysters? They're pretty good. That's not bad. But you're drunk. They're all right. Did you have you hit any places that you missed now that you've been back? Did you go to, like, any of your spots?

I went to Canal Bar, which is my favorite bar in town. I'm going to go to Turtles all the way down. I love that place. That's the old $5 beer and a shot that I love. Shout out to a $5 beer and a shot. Yeah, baby. I tried to go to this pizza place I love, but we got there.

They didn't have wine anymore. They, like, changed their business. I was like, fuck that. Like, you've got to tell people. They put white out over their wine lists. And I was like, you don't have booze? They were like, oh, no, we changed. I was like, OK, we're getting the fuck out of here.

The fuck did I come to this establishment for? What am I, a nerd? Yeah, and so we left. But yeah, what do you mean you don't have turtle races anymore? I wish I was in town for the turtle race. I have, yeah. I want some money. But that's where they put them in the circle, right?

No, they put them at Turtles all the way down on Sunday a month. They have a shuffleboard table, and they put two turtles down, and you buy a ticket for one of the other. It's like blue and red. And they race, and then you win a free beer. No way. I'm going to check that out. Yeah, that's awesome.

I saw one where it's like, they're all in a circle, like a small circle, and then you lift up the bucket, and they have to, whoever, whatever one gets outside the bigger circle first. It's like a wrestling mat kind of thing. And whatever one crosses the final line. Oh, that's a good time. Really?

Yeah, and to throw that money. Where do they get the turtles from, Tom? They're in the tank. They got a turtle tank there. Really? I think you're just getting drunk in an aquarium. Yeah, I might be getting shit-housed. Are you getting drunk at the pet shop again, Tom?

I was getting shit-housed at the old zoo. How many turtles are in there? Two. There's only two. So the same two racing every time? Same two. It's a battle for the ages, and their whole life, they're going to race each other.

Are they big turtles? No, like medium-sized turtles. I don't know. They're not like giant fucking, they're not like the Galapagos, whatever. They're like the turtles, I don't know. They're a boss turtle. Yeah, exactly.

All right. That's pretty cool. All right, let's do one or two more here, and then we got to jump. I'm sorry, boys. I might be dying. I'm sorry, boys. I fucked up.

I thought I'd be all right. Fuck. Oh, man, I love that. Don't comment that I sucked this episode. I'm warning you. What are you talking about? I don't know. My stomach's all fucked.

All right, let's see. This one is from piltog. Have you ever punched yourself in the eye repeatedly to try to give yourself a black eye so you look cool in middle school? Me either. Fuck yeah. Dude, all the time, then.

That is a great. God, the things you think will be cool. I think you're going to make it look cool. Like, that it will be interesting. Like, I remember, I used to just, like, sometimes just walk with a limp. They're like, oh, shit, now something interesting is going on, you know?

Wait till these girls get a load of this. Look at this. Somebody's going to ask me about my limp, right? Wait till these brats see my walker. The black eye thing, I've definitely done that. And I tell you what, though, you do look cool with a black eye. You do. Not the first day.

Second through the day. It's like a new haircut for me. You punch yourself in the eye through you got a black eye. Yeah. That is wild. I've never heard of that. Yeah. I like it, though.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Maybe I'll do it tonight. That was how your girlfriend told you, right? You fell. I tell you, you did it to look cool. You fell, fatty, you see? All right, let's see this one's from Mark. Is it garbage that your number one criteria

of buying dress pants is that they're wrinkle-free and stain-free? Always. I respect that. That's a good move. You need stainless pants, dude. I got Teflon Cheetos in the house, or Cheetos. Cheetos, too. Teflon Cheetos.

I can't even chew through these things. A little crunchy. I'm like, reusable Cheetos. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tom Takar has a brand new special out right now, Takar Noir on his YouTube page. Do yourself a favor. Go and check it the fuck out. Check it out, gang.

Support Tommy. Thanks so much for having me, boys. What a time. What else did Tom hit him? Bunch of dates coming up. Go to my website, tomtakar.com. And follow me at tomtakar. Love you guys.

This is the best. Love you, buddy. Kippy, what do you got for him? Same thing. We're all over the road. The tour is moving on. We're announcing more dates. Shows are selling out.

Get those tickeys if you snooze, you lose. Gang, we love you to death, and we'll see you next week. Peace.