Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Usama Siddiquee: America's Got Trash

Episode Date: June 22, 2020

Stand up comedian and podcaster Usama Siddiquee joins Kippy and Foley to talk growing up the child of immigrants, Pizza Hut vs Dominos, and America's Got Talent.   Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Forman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?

Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage, the show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage, the show where we sit down with your favorite comedians and find out if they grew up classy or if they are, as the Italians say, a Garobaggio. I'm your host H Foley, coming at you on a beautiful day here in Astoria Queens. My co-host, back down on the boards, the Jersey Shore.

This guy's got zinc on his nose, ready for the summer. Kip and Kevin James Ryan, everybody. We got to wrap this up. I got to get back to my lifeguard post on the beach. Let's fucking do it, everybody. What's up? Happy to be here. Thanks so much for listening.

If you haven't already, make sure you go rate, review, subscribe on iTunes, also full video available on YouTube, so you can go subscribe there. The fucking Patreon is cooking, baby. Get in by Lo Zell High, baby. Very nice and gang. We are so excited to have our very, very, very special guest on the show here with us today. This young man was one of 2018's new faces at the Montreal Comedy Festival in Montreal,

Canada. He's been critically ashamed. He has a fantastic podcast called Mango Bay, and you can see him right now on America's Got Talent. Ladies and gentlemen, do me a favor, put your hands together, for Usama Siddiqui, everybody. What's up? Listen, I love y'all. I love y'all's comedy, but I think your real talents are announcing.

The way y'all bring, I've never heard something this good. Y'all are morning DJs, bro. Yeah, it's called Kippy and the Fatso. That's how we do it. And every time you call him Fatso, you have like a little, like, one of those eww sounds. Wonka, wonka. Wow. You know who did that so good, man?

And I loved it so much. Do you guys watch Parks and Rec? Do you ever watch Parks and Rec? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Nick Kroll, fucking crazy Ira and the douche. I don't remember the camp call. He was the radio guy.

He was fucking hysterical. I did radio before the AGT era, so they made me do a morning radio for the show. But it was morning radio, but they were all, it was okay to be racist on this radio. So it was like, they were talking about, so like, they were talking about like the Pakistan Bengali conflict in this morning radio show with me. What? Where was this? They said like Dallas radio, they were like intense.

It was like morning radio and they were like, so apparently Pakistan enforced martial law back in 1970. But what the fuck is this? What? Yeah, bro. So it's like, apparently there was a genocide back in the fucking set. It was the same tone of the morning. Short, short, short.

But they added all the, so holocaust, huh? Weirdo. Welcome back to 98.1. The bone. We're going to give away some harassment tickets and a couple of minutes. But first let's talk about genocide, everybody. Speaking of the bone, we found the old Jews. Gang, it turns out Hitler was a dick.

We'll be back with the time of temperature in about 20. And if you're a Jew, it's hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. We're having a good time. Usama, thank you so much for doing the show, buddy. Are you from Dallas? Yeah, bro. I was born in Canada. I grew up in Jersey for a little bit.

Mama's Junction. Ah, yeah. So five years. And then I grew up in Dallas, Texas, Plano, Texas really for like most of my life. What landed you guys there? My dad's job. My dad was a telecom engineer, but he kind of had like trouble just like keeping one. So he had a friend that was always good at getting him to work because Bengali's helped Bengali.

So we'd always be following. You know what I'm saying? Like you have your crew and we just follow the crew. And so we just, we just had like two friends who would always get us jobs. You just traveled the country following that. Is that trash? I feel like that's trash. Nah, dude, that's smart.

That's looking after the crew right there. That's a good look. That's what that is. Right, right, right. You got one in. That's funny. They always, everybody always talks about like nepotism and stuff like that. And they, they, you know, we get mad at like, you know, senators and all these people when they,

when they bring people in to work for them that they know. They're like, oh, she just knows his dad knows his dad. Yeah, we're the same thing. It's just a fucking landscaping job. You're not working in Capitol Hill. Yeah. Well, work sucks, bro. Works.

Yeah. That's nine to five. Work is shit. Well, I'm not going to have one friend I can do dick jokes with. Yeah, I can kick it with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Oh my God.

I don't think I've ever gotten, I don't think I've ever gotten a job without knowing somebody or something. Somebody's like, ah, let me send it to, you know, I know Gary's in accounting or something. You know, I've never been my resume. I've never, never, never won a job. I always fell into it because 19 comics was like, recommended me for the job. Sure. And it's not even a great job.

Comics is big, yeah. Comics broke, but here's the, I need 19 comics to get a dog walking job. You see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how, that's how fucked the economy is. Yeah. You need 19. We'll hear it, hear it.

Wolf, wolf, ink. We won't just let anybody be a dog walker. Here at Brooklyn Bone, we need you to really speak to the dogs. So I understand you know Brian pretty well. Yeah, we've been doing open mics in the village for a couple of years together. And he's like, I also did some open mics in the village back in 75. Oh, here we go. You still have to buy a drink to get on stage.

Oh, that's the worst man to get an old comic that's not doing it anymore. I had a manager at a restaurant that was like that. You know, it's worse than that age fully is an old comic that is. Okay. Yeah. That's still, still, yeah. I can't lie to you guys. I was going to LA a couple months ago before quarantine.

Old dude, right? H your hip guy, right? Kevin, your hip guy. There's nothing, no one's going to say y'all are old, right? Sure. Y'all stay hip with it. First of all, I'm 33. You're acting like I'm fucking 72.

Cock sucker. Your forehead is 90. Your forehead is 92, right? I know. My forehead. Hurting dog. Hurting. So there's an old guy going there, right?

Old guy. No irony. He goes up on stage. He's like, you know what I hate about MapQuest? Like, the fact that you still use it, what the fuck? You don't drive my gears about Betamax. It's like, he's not, he's not being facetious. He's just like, this is a natural.

Sure. Sure. Sure. What's the deal with globes? Am I right? Yeah, but on the same, on the same note, we were in the village at like a show or whatever. It was a young kid.

He was like an NYU kid. He was, I don't know, 19 or something. And he started barking. So I was like, I'll go in and like watch them on the show or whatever. He walked up and he's like, Hey, is anybody hearing a frat? And I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, you're talking to fucking 62 year old tourists from Ohio. Ain't a frat.

He's just, college is the only world he knew. So he's like, Oh, you guys in a frat? Well, all those old guys aren't a frat. It's just the Illuminati. Yeah, that's true. That's the one old white guy frat. Yeah. All right.

Let's get into it, baby. All right. So Jersey until you were five, so you don't really remember that, right? No, no, no. Canada until five, five, so K through six was just, Oh, that's a chunk of, that's a chunk of your life. Yeah.

I got some Jersey in me. Yeah. Technically you're Canadian. Yeah, bro. Well, part of Canada. I don't like the tone there. That's got, that's going in the vial. Just putting this on the, just got to write something down real quick.

Why don't you just go on there? Did your parents born here or did they come? Did they come here? No, bro, bro. This is the classic immigrant asp and dollies, you know? Classic, just south of the earth. Arrange marriage? There were a few that didn't.

My parents were a few like my mom's cousin kind of arranged the thing a little bit. So still arranged, but you know what I'm saying? Like my dad was a, they were penthouse. My dad went to Russia to study, to study and undergrad because during the cold war, they, they, you know, got wanted to do rain drain. So America wouldn't get us. Yeah. So they, Russians took all the smart Indians, right?

So my dad knows perfect Russian. We can speak. It's weird as fuck, right? But he went to Stalingrad and he learned and so he like pen pal this, this honey back in Bangladesh. And one of the letters was he wanted to, he was like, Hey, I think you're awesome. Can I get a picture of your face? And my mom wrote back was like, listen, you're fucking weird. Don't write that to me again.

Cause that, that was, he was the first in cell, you know what I'm saying? He was the first weirdo. Dude, that's crazy. And then he messaged, I guess, uh, calligraphy back. Hey, sorry about that. That was weird. Sorry, wrong letter, wrong letter, wrong pen pal. I'm sorry.

That's a tough look, man. You're waiting for like four weeks to get that back to see what it is. That's the ultimate set of blue balls waiting on that. And then that never coming. And you're in Russia. So your balls already blue. Oh, that's a totally frost on them, right? Blue balls in Russia is double bed.

That's just frostbite. Dad speaks Russian. That's pretty classy. I'll give him that. All right. Very nice. Parents are still together. Uh, they are, but my dad lives in Virginia.

So he was, he was, um, he's a smart dude, really smart guy, but bad with money. So he kind of went in on, uh, all these. Oh man, I love, I love to get rich. I love the bad money management. Now we get into something. Okay. That shows garbage.

And long hair. He can hide that red neck boy. Holy shit. We got some trash here. Uh, yes. He was a father was educated in Russia. He speaks 12 languages. He plays the violin.

Um, got caught up in a Ponzi scheme. Yeah. Sales cut go door to door in Virginia. I love it. Here we go. Baby. Okay. So immigrants, right?

Immigrants want to make money. Right. That's kind of why we come here. It's the American dream. The education's all bullshit. It's just when you make some money, cause my home country, shit, right? What happens when they do make money a little bit is that they

go in on a business deal with someone of their own race. Right. So it's like, Oh, I got a little bit of money. A little Bengali guy got money. Boom. Let's connect. Let's buy a gas station. That's a classic Bengali move by a gadget.

Here's the thing though. You realize you never go into business with your same demographic or type of person. Cause that guy's the most okay with fucking you over. Right. Yeah. True. Bengalis are totally okay with fucking over Bengalis.

So my dad is genius. No physics. Fucking like just French. He's like a genius. Right. Has no idea how to do money. This motherfucker, you went in with hapsis on a gas station. The dude like squeezed the problem.

It was worth it. This whole kind of savings and shit. Now we have nothing. We're mad at debt. My dad has to go get like a no degree job in West Virginia to make ends meet. And he's been doing that for like the last couple of years and we're coming back out of this.

But yeah, my dad got, got, got fucking skipped by a fucking dude who they hang out in the same party circles. You know, the same. So he has to like go to these Bengali parties and see this motherfucker like nurse a goddamn cocktail. Hey, hold up. Shit. Is this guy living it up or is he in the tank too?

Well, that guy was kind of a piece of shit to other people. So he kind of stole the, he kind of neutralized his own winnings. You know what I'm saying? So it's one of those things where it's like, he's not just a piece of shit to my own dad. He's a piece of shit to kind of drop the Bengali community. And everyone kind of got this guy's number.

You know, so there was this, I mean, this guy's kind of like this. But he was like that chill dude that everyone thought was going to hang out. He was a small guy. He did like, he's played like old Bengali songs at the parties, you know, and so people were like, who, how could this guy steal anybody's money?

But it'd be the, it'd be the small singers, you know, that fucking. That's, yeah, that's the old American tales. The small. That's it. They, they, they, they rocked, they, they sing you to sleep and then empty your pockets. And stab you in the back.

So. Yeah. So, but growing up traditional, traditional childhood in Dallas. Use your brothers and sisters. Oh yeah. Older brother and then younger brother. And house, single family home. No, what do you mean?

Oh, like, like, yeah, was it an apartment, a townhouse? We had an apartment and then we had a town. We had a duplex grow in Texas. Townhouse. Yes. Townhouse. You live in a townhouse complex. Is that what's called?

Yeah. Okay. One of those for a while. Bro, cause then we can hear the divorce happening across the wall. Right. Or you sure can. You sure can.

My alarm clock was the new wife. Every time. You know what I'm saying? Across the wall. I love the townhouse community, man. Townhouses are great. Do it. Cause the townhouse people, they're all like, they're not

poverty, but they're all hate people who were poor. Sure. But they're one paycheck away from being that person. They're one paycheck. So all they do is hate on poor people because they're so close to being them. Yeah. Yeah.

It's self-loathing a lot. I feel like single FBI agents live in townhouses. Yes. Yes. Yes. The only time he's there is when he's drinking a Scotch when he can't sleep, just sitting up drinking all night. Dude.

Ray Liotta from the end of Goodfellas. Yeah. I'm a schmuck. Yeah. I'm a schmuck. Dude, my dad, my dad ended up at one, we, he got, they get, my parents got divorced and we ended up at a townhouse. And we like, I don't even, I still want to go.

I want to ask them what we did because we moved out at like three o'clock in the morning. And we like took like the cable boxes and shit. I'm like, this, these are here when we got here, dude. I don't know what we're doing. Dude, I also remember my dad didn't have any, um, papers ready for our citizenship. Right.

No. Fast and loose. I like it. Why am I always getting my hair dyed? Why do we have to go to the store? Why am I in the trunk? What's going on here? So I remember random things in my life, like hazy memories.

Like my dad would come in my room and be like, listen, tomorrow we're like not going to stay home. We're going to just kind of go on a trip. Oh, why would you tell me that at three a.m. You know what I'm saying? Sure. If others don't think about anything, like, you know, tomorrow there might be someone who comes through.

If he doesn't, we're just going to go outside for a little daddy. I think it was like the green card guys, like the original ice, like the free ice. Sure. Sure. Who were like maybe doing the rounds, but that was like, listen, if they see us, it's not going to be a good situation. So let's just hang out.

We'll go get a ice cream. Yeah. We'll chill. We'll take it to the outside day today. Your dad probably, your dad probably got a phone call from another Bengali dude, like, yo, they're making the rounds in the fucking complex. Get your fucking crew and hit the bricks.

Right. Right. Yeah. Why do I have five passports? You're like Leo and the departed. You just got like a duffel bag, a handgun, three different kinds of currency, two passports of a script of painkillers and you're ready to go.

The Usama identity. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. That's fucking hilarious, dude. You're walking around the mall all day as a six year old with a fake mustache.

Right. Right. I'm like, I'm like Matt Damon and born. I don't even know the skills. Yeah. You're like tripping and falling down stairs and stuff. Walking into knives. You know, no idea what I'm doing.

All right. I like this. So I'm seeing a little garbage here. This is, uh, this is, uh, this is interesting. Your mom was obviously a homemaker. She stayed home. Took care of the kids. Homemaker.

You listen, you gotta realize, man, the only white people I can hang out with are ones who are trash because. Sure. Any immigrant family, this is trash in the DNA. You see what I'm saying? So only if a white family, if I like you 100% either your dad wasn't there, your mom wasn't there, your ass was. Sure.

Only white people comics that I can really chill with for an extended period of time. Sure. The ones that I, in my heart, I can't handle it. I realized eventually at the rich, I find out eventually if they had money. A good family. Yeah.

And it's all, it's always. So I was assuming y'all either had got B before they're having a ding, ding, ding divorce. You got whooped ass. You got your ass whooped a little bit or no? Yeah, I got hit. That's what it is. You just said that.

Like all those memories came rushing back to you. You just called maybe the thousand mile stare. Yeah. I got smacked around a little bit. What of it? Huh? Oh, Jesus Christ. I always deserved it.

I was never one of those kids that was like, you know, my dad wasn't an asshole. He was a great, he was a great dad. Right. And every time I got hit, which was a pretty good amount. I totally, in my head, I'm like, you should be smacking the shit out of me way harder than what you're hitting me. My dad would hit me, but as a way to attack you to my mom.

So like, you would hit me on the way to pushing me to my mom. So he was like lazy, lazy dude. Sure, sure, sure. He was more of a functional. Yeah. The mom, the mom hit is tough. When your mom does it, there's something just weird about it. Like when your mom's just like wailing on you.

Because your mom, this is the first person you love in your life. Right. This is the first person you give your heart to. And your one day, the person you love is hitting you with a sandal. So like, you're like, now you're like a kid. Like, wait, what's happened? Like your whole life. What's going on here?

Yeah. What's going on here? Right. Then you realize that your parents are just doing it for love. Then some weird shit happens. Like sometimes my mom would hit me. And then as she's walking away, she'd be like, still got it. She's like, yeah, she's feeling herself a little bit.

She's like, she's like doing this. You know, like working with a rotator cuff. I got a couple more left in me. Who wants one? You know what I mean? Walking around like Connor McGregor. Yeah. Right.

So it was the sandal. The sandal was big. My mom would be using the dough roller. Roll and dough. Pow. Right. Then you get an imprint of like the fucking flour. Yeah.

You got flour all over your hair and shit. Yeah. Looks like, looks like someone had to teach you. Right. But then the, then the tear is like missing and fading dough. Yeah. You got rocky road on your face. That's really good.

You got a tall house. You got a tall house on your face, bro. That's great. All right. So we're going to launch into some questions here. We're going to play a little game called are you garbage? The first, I just want to recap. This might be the first time I've done this.

I just want to backtrack here. Canadian father, extremely intelligent. However, got taken on a, on a bad gas station. He got bamboozled on a, he got bamboozled on a sick go. Lived in a, lived in a townhouse. Got smacked around by his mom and lived in Dallas. It's going to be tough to bounce back from this one. I appreciate Kevin saying sick go and not seven 11.

Yeah, come on. You could have gone. You could have gone a lot. This is highbrow comedy over here. Sitco's garbage, man. That's what kind of gas station was it? Do you know, I think it was like a quick march or something.

We'll go with the K. Oh yeah. Oh my God. You couldn't get to a Romero. Yeah. I wouldn't even buy sigs at a quick check or whatever. I'd wait, I'd wait till I saw a better establishment does. Bro, you, you, you, the ones where you want one of the gas station,

there's like a T-shirt rack. And that's the main item. You know what I'm saying? That's the main item is this is the, the place I'm talking about. That's so funny. A fucking T-shirt rack at the gas station. Who's trying clothes on at the gas station? That's what I'm saying.

I have. And every lady who tries it, listen, it's all small to you. Okay. Oh yeah. Yeah. There's no large for you. Everything you try, it's going to be a small.

It's going to be a little tight in the waist. That. Dude, that's fucking funny. And everything had the shitty name. You know, like, we're like, you know, like, you have the Sam's choice, but it's a brand, right? Sure. But you try to do the same thing with the quickies.

You get the quickie shirt, quickie sigs. Yeah. Quickie this. It's like, it's all trash. Okay. Keep it moving. We know what it is. Let's go.

This is the, this is the station. That's funny. All right. I walked in, I walked in as a 12 year old and been like, dad, this is not going to be good. No business acumen. Dad. Let me see that contract.

We got to try to get your money out of here. This is not good. Yeah. You're shitting on him. Like you couldn't get some turkey hill money. Wow. Wow. Sheets.

Cumberland farms. Let's go pop. All right. All right. Here we go boys. Play a little game. Are you garbage? I want to start with a couple of the basics.

That's okay. Growing up, take me into the shower. Was it body wash or was it a bar of soap? Bar soap every time. And no loofah. I like it. I like it. That's, yeah, that's, that's how my family rolled.

Wait, were you, you were all hands? No washcloth, no scrunchie, no nothing like that. No, what? No, nothing. We were all hands, and I was like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what that is. That was all used in the cleaning department outside in the kitchen. Right. So there was no. We just, we all put the same soap up our fucking ass. We just kept it moving. What kind of soap it was?

Oh, it was some Indian shit. So we're talking like ponds or like some, you know, maybe some Irish spring. I really like they in the family. All right. Is that proud of that trash? We're talking to two guys that use it for 90% of their lives. How many people have got on this podcast where they've realized that

they were trash. They had no idea. Oh dude. We joke about it. We joke about, or not even joke. We talk. You see, you see it click. Literally their eyes shift.

They like blink and then like blink again. Like Will Smith and that guy. People go, holy fuck. It's like an enlightenment moment. It's a classic thing. It's not. This is a great podcast. It's never about race.

It's always about class. Our class has been Irish spring. And I'm starting to realize more and more. Yeah. Christ. Maybe one day, maybe one day we'll get the zest. Who knows. Get a couple of bucks together.

That's the week. Yeah. My favorite was, was coast. I don't know if you guys are coast, man. You could smell that coming down the block. My dad thought that if you wore good body wash, you were gay. Right.

Yeah. Sure. Smell nice. You want to suck some dicks too? Yeah. Dude. What are you doing brushing? What are you doing brushing your teeth?

You fucking pussy. Dude, you know what it would have taken for my dad to buy me a loofa? For my dad in the nineties to buy me a loofa? Are you fucking? That would, no way. I wouldn't even go into it. It's a tutu for your hands.

Yeah. We endure it. No way. No way. Jesus Christ. Everything made you gay in the nineties. I remember that. Every day.

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, you breathe in deeply. Remember when you walk out, that, ah, that's gay. That's a gay thing to do. Dude, even this, the earrings were polarizing. If you got your ears pierced, it was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What side did you get your ear pierced?

What side? That's the only reason I didn't get my ear pierced because I wasn't sure what the, what side it was. What side? And there was no Google to look it up to be like, you know. Because it was right. It was right in America that in Australia was the left. So you'd let me go and become gay if you like.

Yeah. I wasn't rolling the dice. I'll tell you that much. I was like, I'll, I'll, I'll just be a non-ear pierce kind of guy. That's so funny. Love it. Love it. All right.

I got one growing up. Let's talk disposable plates. Did you use like paper or styrofoam? What'd you use? So if we did use. Obviously you've had regular plates. Yeah. Yes.

It's trash. Yeah. We're not animals. And there's lives in trash. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want you guys to get an actual homeless person.

And then this podcast becomes very sad. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Are you trash? Literally I have trash. Yeah. So we used a styrofoam. Styrofoam.

That's real. That's real. All the time? Like, no. He said they have, when they did use it. Okay. There were times when mom was lazy and we ate on styrofoam plates and that was when she was so fed up with the family

that she was like, listen, I can't even wash the dish. Yeah. We're going to have like food on the, on the styrofoam plate. So every time styrofoam, because it was cheaper, it was all about money. Of course. Anything. Of course.

Of course. I can think styrofoam, I think. Nah, man. You would like anytime like the knife would cut right through it. There would be like, you know, tomato sauce or syrup on the table. It was a mess. Anything remotely wet. Anything remotely wet.

I'm Indian food. Hello. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's going right to the table, right to the hardwood. We're going to lick it off the fucking oak.

You know, you're trying to get him. Definitely trash. He's Christ. This is actually really traumatizing. I'm going to show if I want to. Your father ever, your father ever fuck you. Trash. Trash.

Trash. Trash. Y'all are the worst therapists I think in history. Jesus Christ. But we're both trash so we can do it, you know what I mean? We were like, you know, two like fucking Rockefellers just shitting on poor people. You used to eat off. What?

This cop this show, but with Brooklyn comics, I want to see that show. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, your father wasn't in the NAACP. Trash, you know, your idea of trash is like some woke shit. Yeah. Yeah. What kind of snacks did you guys have growing up with?

Okay. So snacks. None. My mom, because we need to eat. So whenever we were kids, my mom would buy us chips, ahoy, and Oreos. Okay. And I had two brothers. We'd all finish it in one day, right?

Sure. We'd have to sleep with her brother. Yeah. My mom got so fucking angry. She's like, fuck you. We're not going to buy anything anymore. And she would only buy Oreos if a friend was sleeping over. So if you had a friend coming over.

I like that. Don't ruin this for us. Let's buy some cookies. Don't fucking embarrass us, lady. Don't fucking embarrass us. Let's keep up appearances. All right. Double stop, bitch.

That's a fucking good mom though. She knows what's up. That's pretty classy. She's like, you know, the kid's got to be able to hold his head up high at school. I got to, you know. Right. So my mom, but it wasn't like you would feed us like avocados in substitute. She would just feed us Indian food and Bengali food and that's it.

That's it. Yeah. If I wanted a snack, she'd feed us more Bengali food. It's like, she's like, fuck you. You're not getting any more sweets and shit like that. And what about lunches? Lunches. Okay.

So sometimes Bengali food, like sometimes she'd give me fucking eggplant curry. And like, dude, kids like you, bro, we're friends. That's got to be a tough look. If I met y'all, if I met y'all in fifth grade, a hundred percent Kevin, that guy was like, yeah, what the fuck is that? You know what I'm saying? Nah, dude. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

I would have been thinking it for sure. I wouldn't have said it. I would have been for sure thinking it. Get that Hindu bullshit off my table. Yo, this dude ain't one of us, man. What the fuck? There was a guy. I had a bully.

I had a food bully growing up. That's tough. Fucking Tommy Denapoli, right? Don't forget that. What a shit name. What a fucking, what a meat head bully name. Tommy Denapoli. You know, his grandma loves him too much.

Yeah. So fucking Tommy Denapoli. Every time I'd open the fucking Pandora's box of brown shit, and I'm like, you know, but I couldn't shit on him because he was Italian. He had the nice, nice Italian. Yeah, he said that with like a veal parmesan or something. He's hanging out as his own thermos for the marinara. Keep it tight, yeah.

Fucking pizza of it next to him. Dude, a fucking bully. Oh my God. That must have been fucking. If you broke that shit out of whiskey in middle school, the fucking police would have stopped. There's any excuse to shit on a bitch. And also, this is the time when Brown, the race wasn't really like accepted, you know,

like now it's all about diversity. It's all cool. When we were growing up as minorities, East Asians, Asians, we were a joke race. You know, there was nothing on TV was like respectable. So you had to kind of take the brunt of the fucking energy. Yeah, you guys, you guys definitely took, you guys still, you got the 90s, the 90s brown people stormed the beaches. For sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an unsung culture. We don't, we don't talk about it, but then I mean, it was so uncool to be a color back then. I picture now probably like, you know, like, you know, like a New York elementary school or whatever. If like some brown kid brought some sort of food, the next one would be like, Hey, can I try that or something?

You know what I mean? Like, yeah, it's way more accepting than it was in the night. The white kids scared to bring out his baloney sandwich now. Yeah, he's got hungry food. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. All right. Speaking of, I'll food a little bit.

If you guys were, were you like a Domino's family or a Pizza Hut family? If you ordered pizza. Interested. Y'all are fucking PhDs with this shit, dude. No garbage. Cause it's a distinct difference. There's, they're, they're both garbage, but there's a distinct difference. Y'all are, this is a great.

Okay. We always did. Okay. That's class. That is class. But that's class because I think my parents, should they learn that? Cause we actually got Domino's for a lot of our lives, right? But then at one point we only got pizza.

And I think what happened was my mom talked to one of her rich friends in, um, or substitute teaching kind of job. And they were like, the white lady was like, no, no, you always get pizza. That's way better. So we actually got classified. So we were brought up. That's the American dream right there, baby. So, so we knew that Domino's was shittier,

but we, until someone told us that it was, we didn't actually go up great. Yeah. I love it. That's, that's a class move. That's an upward move right there. Right. Right. I just got real hungry for some pizza.

I'll play that right now. You sold me on that. Dude, Domino's is like Ricky Bobby shit. It's like, it's like fucking, what is that dude? Domino's, they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. No. They don't give a fuck.

It's good. I'll eat it, but like it's just, you know, it's like, it's meth compared to like, you know, Coke. Dude, Domino's has herpes on it. Like you're looking at Domino's. I didn't know pizza could have a rash on it. And if you're ordering Papa John's, just fucking give up. If you're ordering Papa John's.

If you want Papa John's, you say the N word still. That's just how it is. 100%. Dude, how trashy is that guy? Man, that guy, he looks, he looks, if you looked up bloated, he looks, he looks like they just fished him out of a river, dude. He does not look good. And bro, like he was the face of Papa John's over the couple of years.

So you saw the progression of this guy's face taking more and more of the screen. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Cause he did. He wasn't like decent shape. He kept it tight earlier on. Right. But then those cheesy breadsticks went to his fucking gullet.

He lived the life. He lived that pot. Yo, you about that Papa John's life son. And then little Caesars must be, I think it's illegal actually to have it. I think you, if you have a residence, you can't legally buy little Caesars. Sure. Yeah. That's only for renters.

I love little Caesars. I fucking love the little Caesars. Holy no. Holy is such trash, dude. The square pizza when it was square, come on. That little guy, pizza pizza. Holy, this is like, this is like a trash intervention now. There's a limit, bro.

There's a limit, dude. Dude, I remember I only had it once in my whole life. Still to this day to have it once, once in my life, we went to a birthday party for like a cousin's friend or something. It was like a kid and a few towns over. And we walked in and they busted out like that big square pizza from little Caesars. I was like, yo mom, come fucking get me.

This shit is over. I'm like, give me my fucking present back. Give me my party favors. I'm fucking leaving, son. I'd rather eat the piñata, bro. Jesus Christ. Little Caesars. Dude, little Caesars.

Holy, get your fucking act together. When I first came to New York, that was the first thing I had. And that was my first New York moment. Like I was, this is pain. This feels like what I need to eat if I'm losing myself. If you're struggling. Yeah. This is a struggle pizza.

It's a struggle food. That's why I'll tell you what, man, there's, there's no more, there's no more lighthouse in the distance for a young New York comedian than the fucking dollars slice place. Like mother's milk. Jesus Christ. I remember a dude. I mean, the first year of comedy in New York, you just knew, okay,

if I had a pizza here, I have enough energy to get the next pizza spot. Sure, sure, sure. I worked my comedy sets around the dollar pizza. It's not here dollar pizza, which would propel my nutrients to the next spot. Like it was fast and loose. Yeah. They were like checkpoints.

Let me get there. Let me get a health package and go hit the pair. Yeah. And then you got to make it to Percy's. And then when you, when you felt like, uh, when you, like, you know, white women feel so great when they have one green juice. That's how we felt when we got one pizza with mushrooms on it. Yeah.

Like what am I market steward with the mushrooms? I know. The credit, the shittiest thing about the dollar slice pizza was like this. The slice was a dollar. And then, but if you get like, if you got a pepperoni slice, it was 750. I'm like, yeah, are you charging me 650 for three pieces of pepperoni? It wasn't a real pepperoni. No, no, no, it was just like red and cheese.

You know, it looks like it was crazy. It's unreal. All right. Let's stay on track here. This guy, you know what this kid's doing? He's fucking sidelining us right now. He's fucking snow job on us. He's talking to us all distracted.

Little Caesar's pizza. He's getting hungry over there. Fully just ordered a pizza. I saw this kid under the hot lights, man. Let's go. To be honest, Fully was thinking about pizza before the pizza time. I hope somebody talks about pizza. I would love for his doorbell to ring right now.

I walked in behind me. Yeah. I'm gonna wrap this up. I got two hot reddies on the way. All right. Let's quit dicking around here. All right. So Osama, you had no outside family as far as like cousins or

anything like that here. We had some second cousins. So one of my best friends were my second cousin. We have some, some, my mom's first cousin's kids. So like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I got shit. Yeah. So nothing, nothing nuclear.

We're all Bangladesh, but I had our parents really fought to stay Bengali. So we spot to stay, have our community be Brown and Bengali. So I had a couple of second cousins. Yeah. A crew. We got a crew. And would you guys go on like little vacations together and stuff

like that? Undo. And we do like always Disneyland, Disneyland, Disneyland. Really? The whole deal, bro. You know, I don't know if it was more trash, but they're both trash because like,

we wouldn't even get the normal resort on the, you know, there's a Disney resort. We'd get the Disney spells wrong in, you know what I'm talking about? Disney. Yeah. Disney is IE or whatever at the end. Yes. Oh, you weren't staying on the property?

No, no, no, no. We'd stay on the fucking like that. You know, there's more palm trees than people, you know, it's like, like because Florida thinks that palm trees is like, we'll class it up, but as rich people. Yeah. So, so we'd stay on the Disney with two E's. Staying, staying outside the theme park.

I got a body. That's top. I'm getting that. I'm getting the hang of it. I know what this is now. I know what the deal is. I think it's tough to say. I think Disneyland would be trashier,

but Disney world has become so trash like so just garbage that Disneyland actually has kind of like a nostalgic, you know what I mean? Like a little bit. What's Disneyland? Disneyland in California. That was the first one. Never been only Disney world.

But I went to Disney world not too long ago and there is some fucking animals walking around. You just because it's first of all, it's expensive. And you look around and like, how the fuck did you get the money to be here? You're wearing like cut off jeans shorts. You don't have a shirt on. You got like Looney Tunes tattoos.

What the fuck is going on? I don't know why Disney hasn't partnered with Oshkosh Big Osh yet. Yeah. Yeah. Same people. It's the same people. It's tough, man. It's tough.

And then like they're just like wander. They're all just mouth breathers bumping into each other. Dude, I had a week of gigs in fucking Vegas. It's the same people. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like it's the fucking fanny pack in the front. Fanny pack, two fanny pack type.

This is a note. I forgot this fully. I don't even know if you know this is how garbage I am. My dad's second marriage was in Las Vegas and I attended the wedding. I don't know if I ever told you that. He got married. He got married at the Bellagio.

Oh, God. What? Yeah. Were you in the wedding party? I mean, though, yeah, I was there. Yeah, there was no actual wedding. It was just like seven people. It was trash.

Look, I forgot about that till he said that. Holy shit. Inside? Or inside? No, inside. We're inside people. Yeah. Okay.

Got married in the keynote bar. Hell of a buffet. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. Those casinos are a real tough look, man. If you want to look at like what happened to America, walk through a fucking casino on like a Wednesday. It's actually sad.

It's not even like, wow, this in the beginning is kind of cool. Oh, a grandma, two of her kids all sitting in the same fucking lottery chair. Smoking. You keep seeing the same thing. This is actually most of this country. Yeah. And then it starts setting in like, yo, how the fuck do we call

this? Cause one was up. No, no, no, go, go, go. I was just saying like all, like tourists hundred percent come here and they're like, what the fuck is this bullshit? You know what I'm saying? No golden brick roads. All I see is a fat woman named Ethel fucking throwing her

life away. Yeah. Of course. Dude, I knew we were fucked. I was doing shows in AC and I was at the casino like afterwards and I like sat down at the blackjack table or whatever to put like 10 bucks on. And it was me and a guy next to me and the guy next to me just

pulls back and has like a heart attack or faints or has a stroke. I panicked cause I'm like, this is nuts. Dude, no one around me even bad at a fucking eye. The dealer kept dealing. I'm like, call the fucking paramedics. He's like, dude, this happens once an hour. I'm like, people just fall out and just no one cares. I'm like, we're fucked.

Oh shit. Dude. All right. Yeah. I got another one. Let's go. All right. At the, at your house growing up where you like a bottled water

family, a Brita or just straight from the sink for water. We were literally all three days of all three. Yeah. And really it was my mom figuring out which is the less dangerous of the mall. So my mom was a freak, right? In terms of like health, right? So she was like, okay, she learned, she read in Brita's digest,

the fluoride thing. And that fucked her up, right? Yeah. The fluoride was the, was the age of the nineties. You know what I'm saying? Fuck you up, right? My mom tried everything. We had a butter filter.

We had that for a time. We got that. Then we went to, we had this Walmart water that we got. So we went to, we went to Walmart. Apparently there was like clean Walmart water. So we just like fill up jugs, like three or four motherfucking jugs of the shit. We bring it back.

We'd live off the jugs. Wow. Like it was Mad Max theory road or something. Straight up. We're going on a water run. We'll go on a water run. Hondo. Yeah.

So we had literally all three of them. We did the tap. We did the Brita and the last, the lasting one was the Walmart water. Gotcha. There is no chance in hell that Patty Foley would have ever brought something like that or bottles of water into the house. It was from the tap or fucking beat it. Yeah.

Tap water in the nineties was basically Africa. Dude, it was lawless. It was lawless. Dude, it was custard coming out your fucking death. It was insane. Dude, you know what? Well, real fucking what was real class. And like I want to get one is fucking pure class.

That's the five gallon jug with the refrigerator that like, Oh, man, like at the office. My dad was so not about any of this. He was always a tap guy. One time I put the tap on my guy and look at this. It's a brown water. Right. He's like, yo, shake it up.

Shake it up. It comes right again. Enjoy. Yeah. As long as you diffuse the brown. Yeah. Just mix it around. It just got to be stared a little bit.

They can't get you. If you break them up, they're weak. Yeah. Yeah. They need to be together to attack you. I'm with Kippy. I'd love to have a fucking office water cooler in my house. Stand around.

Talk about the game. Chill out. Dude, my buddy had one and we went in high school and we would hang. We'd like get all fucked up and crash at his house. His parents played it real fast and loose. So, you know, they were real new money. Like they would come and take the cars in the middle of the night.

They would like get repoed and shit like that. Real new money. But they had the five gallon jug and dude to cure a hangover in high school, there was nothing better than that screaming cold water coming out of that. Oh man. Just constantly at like a 34 degrees. Being living.

Love it. Love it. If you were, the weirdo would be the one who used the red one to this blue one and the red one. Oh, the hot one. If you used the red one, you were fucking weird. Yeah. You went as well.

Yeah. No. Take that off. We'll replace it with a blue one. Let's, let's get a high. Let's get an express lane on this thing. All right. What do you got, Foley?

I want to move out of the, out of childhood and talk about now. Your roommates. I do have one roommate. Yeah. You have one roommate. Have you ever cooked with leftover takeout food? What do you mean by that? You mean like microwaves?

Leftover takeout? Now, like where you use that as an ingredient to make something else. Oh. Yeah. How do y'all, how do y'all like, how do y'all think? This is crazy. We're just naming stuff that we do.

I know, I know. But the level of like specificity in August, do you put your balls out of the window? How do y'all know? Trash knows trash, baby. Of course I do this. And it's one of those things where it's like, I don't like the microwave.

So I'll take leftovers and I'll try to create something new because I think part of being trash is thinking that you're not a lot of time. Oh, microwave. That's trash. And then you go do something that's also trash. Yeah. Fried rice pizza.

Fried rice pizza. I had, I'll combine different takeouts. So if I like had some takeout from some Mabel steakhouse and I have some Thai food, I'll put the steak on the patty. A little bit of fusion. I like it, baby. American Thai fusion. That's what I'm talking about.

I felt ashamed just even saying that to y'all right now. No. Love it. Go ahead, Kim. Okay. Now, well, before the pre pandemic, would you eat on the subway? I mean, I still eat on the subway. I eat during COVID on the subway.

Yeah. You are fucking garbage. What will you break out? What are we talking about here? Oh, eating on the subway. No, no. What would you eat though? Like how far will you go?

Will you like set up a TV tray and like for yourself a water, a Walmart water and really go at it? Yeah. You're not even soup on there or anything like that. Full on burrito. So I have. Oh, I would fucking lose it. I would hate you on the subway, dude.

And as I'm eating it, it's just kind of it's dripping sometimes. And it's just good. It's a very immigrant, very. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta eat and there's no time. And there's just COVID.

Just, just be lining for my food. I'm just like, wow. Delicioso. That's crazy. And watch out. I was eating, right? I've seen it before. I'm eating.

I look over across myself. The woman with like two kids and she's like clutching her kids tighter. Yeah. Covering their eyes. We'll get through this. Don't look at me. Why is that man eating a burrito? Cause he's garbage, honey.

He's garbage. Don't look at him. I know Kevin feels the same way. I don't even like it when people eat in the green room. That shit drives me nuts. Especially a fucking burrito. If you walk in with a fucking burrito. Oh my God.

Dude, I was, I was at New York the one night and this kid who's not even on, that doesn't even, that wasn't on the show. Doesn't even work at the club was in the green room eating fucking tuna fish. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. There's a true thing where like the higher you get in comedy, the more food you earn. Yes, of course.

If you're a headliner, you could eat a fucking, you could boil a stew in there. If you want to eat raw fish. Yeah. Yeah. No problem. But if you're new, you gotta know that you can't eat smelly foods before you get some credits.

Yes. Yes. You need to have a late night. You need to at least have a late night to eat smelly foods. Tuna? Dude, tuna. Eatin' feet but he pulled out a fucking Tupperware thing of tuna. I went to fucking strangle him.

Jesus Christ. Kippy. Yeah, I got one. Growing up, did any of your family's cars ever had wood paneling? Our first car did. That was like, Mazda.

I think it was a Mazda or something like that. It was red, half of it was maroon red. Half of it had that wood paneling. And my dad hated that car. We were all like, fuck this car. So the moment we could upgrade,

we got another Mazda that was just all maroon. But I remember in my childhood, like my first memory was this. Stripe, yeah. Piece of shit. You know, the rolled up the window type shit. Yeah. Wait, you were a Mazda family?

Yeah, bro. That's crazy. I have never met anybody that owns a Mazda. I'm not lying. Let alone it's two. Mazda. That's wild.

I wonder why. I wonder why he went with Mazda. They're probably very reliable. Simple shit like that. Yeah, like. Get a Subaru. But as our lesbian, that's the thing.

He's got to tell you that straight up. Who knows what he's doing in Virginia though. We don't know. We're living a Subaru life. Usama, I need to talk to you. I'm a Subaru kind of guy. Usama, I need to tell you something. I've been using body wash.

When you were a kid, Usama, did you ever steal from your friends? Like steal some toys or baseball cards or quarters or something? A dollar bill floating around? Never. But I was the guy people stole from. My kids stole my Star Fox 64. My favorite.

Star Fox was fucking something else. Star Fox was my shit, right? You had a good sleepover with Star Fox and a couple of buddies. Good times. Good night. We were hanging out. We were doing dog fights all night, right? And then this friend, he was moving.

He was moving the next weekends. We had a one night like sleepover before he leaves kind of thing. Damn. Before he leaves to the South Dakota, takes my Star Fox. Howdy goes. What a piece of shit. Piece of shit, dude.

Piece of shit. And we had to respect it. He knew he was getting out of town. I kind of respect it. I never leave empty handed. You know what I mean? Push the saloon doors and just rode out into the fucking horizon. Geez.

I would have checked the rest of the house after he left. Fucking check mom's pearls. Make sure you didn't fucking grab the silverware. Yeah. I walked in on one of my, one of my boys one time when I was young, my brother for his birthday every year, got the whole set of tops baseball cards.

My uncle and uncle just every year. And fucking, I walked into my brother's room one day and he was in there like literally like rifle through them. Just like boom, boom, boom. Oh, right. Yeah. It was fucking.

It really hurt that I'll say that in like it. It hurts. You seem to let it go. You okay buddy? Yeah. Listen to have some pizza. You'll be fine. Yeah.

Get a hot ready and forget about it. When kids steal from you, man, that's fucking vicious. For sure. Yeah. I was in college real quick. Yeah. People would try to bust through my window. We had like our part when it was a stoner apartment, right?

People would try to bust in to try to steal my fucking Nintendo. We try to steal my money. Park like. Where'd you go to college? UT Dallas. Ah, shit. Yeah. All right.

I think I only got one more here. Okay. Is there still? Okay. Yeah. We're looking for parents house currently. Oh my God. Y'all are snipers.

Y'all are snipers, right? It's not even. Yeah we do. Yeah. But hold on. Is it just a straight VCR or is it a VCR? DVD player. Straight VCR.

Here's what, my dad was a hound. He was the AV club hound. He like recorded a thousand like cassettes of like Hindi films. So he still watches them, but he uses the cassette. So he's still watch on the VCR. That's fair game. That's a hundred percent fair game. Yeah.

Because there's a reason to it. It's not just like still sitting on, it's not, it's used and he's watching things that he's, you know, he, he's collected. It's a collection. He's a connoisseur rather than a piece of trash. But I think it's no trash to see your dad roll back tape in 2020. Yeah.

Yeah. That's not good. I mean, I'm telling you, it's crazy. My dad asked me about one about three weeks ago, but no worries. Like, do we still have that VCR downstairs? What the fuck? Get away from me.

What's he going to want it? What's he need? A couple of bucks? Yeah. He wanted to watch some old tapes like Usama is saying. Dude, you just sell that at a pawn shop. You have to pay them for the time that you just wasted. Yeah.

Yeah. You just wasted my time. Give me five bucks. All right. I just got one more question here. Usama. Yeah. The first question that I wanted to ask you is,

what do you think about your past that's growing up? Growing up or now? Do you or any member of your family enjoy the frozen treat known as Sherbert? Yeah. Wait, that's not drive. No, it's normal. People, why is that ice cream like a gentlemen?

Okay. Get some fucking dairy. Get out of my face. Okay. You disgust me. The fuck. And you know what? I'm so sad right now.

The only person that's going to help me heal is Sherbert. I'm going to go get some fucking orange. Oh, dude. It's great. Orange Sherby, forget about it. I'm a rainbow man myself. With the cream inside. Fuck you.

Fuck you. That can't be trashed. It's not class. No, it's like I'm a person. I didn't even see it. I mean, you know, that's the only thing you can still eat. Those senators are going home and eat and fucking.

Yeah. Mitch McConnell's not going back to his place for a bowl of sure. He needs, he needs a soft texture. Oh my god. Next time. The D.C. ladies and gentlemen on the brand new season. Of America's Got Talent buddy,

which was amazing luck with that. And you are pure unadulterd trash. I'm going to take, I'm going to take a walk. I think I know. Things over. Thank you so much, man. We appreciate it, buddy. Is there anything you want the gang out there to know that they

might not know? About me or my plug shit. Yeah. Oh, follow me at usama stands up. Follow at your mango Bay. It's a podcast everyone with fucking my boy. And we talk about brown shit and crazy shit. And this is well,

this is a very awesome Kippy. What do you got? Yeah, guys. Thanks so much. Just make sure you check out your rate review on iTunes. You full video is available on YouTube. You can subscribe there and the patron is fucking cooking. Get involved.

Yes, sir. Guys, thank you so much. It's been another exciting edition of all you Garwoods. We'll be back very soon. We appreciate you guys who's telling me. Thanks again, buddy. Much love y'all. Yeah.