Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - We Might Be Garbage w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

Are You Garbage presents stand up comedians and podcast hosts Sam Morril & Mark Normand! You know Mark & Sam from We Might be Drunk Podcast, Joe Rogan Experience, Kill Tony Podcast, Protect our Parks, Tuesdays with Stories, stand up comedy & more! Thanks for watching the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast! AYG Live Show Tickets: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets Live Shows: https://punchup.live/areyougarbage/tickets PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://areyougarbage.com/ Rocket Money: https://www.rocketmoney.com/garbage Get 50% off your 1st box by going to https://factormeals.com/Garbage50 and use code GARBAGE50 Sheath: https://www.sheathunderwear.com/ Promo Code: Garbage Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hold on a second there, Kippey. We got a big show in Red Bank, New Jersey, August 17th at the Count Basie Theater. One of the biggest shows we've ever done. So grab the squad and come see the boys. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan, and H. Foley. Hey, everybody out there

And welcome back to everybody's favorite podcast. This is RU Garbage. Oh, yeah. It's that little show we sit down with your favorite comedians And we find that at the group to be classy. Yeah. Just a big old piece of trash. Trash, trash.

I'm your host takesfully coming at you on a beautiful day. We're out back here with Tootty's and a new edition. She's walking around. No bra for the rest of the summer. Good for her. Trying to get some goddamn work done and put those things away. My host is coming at you from right next to me. He is the CEO of RU Garbage.

He is an international businessman of my best pal in the whole. wide world. Give it up for KJ. Kevin James Ryan, everybody. What up, gang. Thanks for tuning in as always. Make sure you rate view, subscribe on iTunes. Full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are. Trudeau. Cooking, baby. And obviously the greatest website of all time, www.com.com slash R. You go over there. You get all your bonus content needs, gang. How about a nice shout out to our producer, Extraordinary. The old magic man makes us all look good. Works the ones, the twos, the threes and the fours. He crosses the T's and he dots the eyes. Give it up for T-Bone McSruffins. Toby MacMallin, everybody.

What up, boys. Hey, pal. I'm stoked. We got it. We got the intercontinental tag team champions in here, bro. Boys in this studio. A couple old school party animals. A couple of gunslingers, too.

And Norman's ready for a little two-on-two basketball. Gang, a long-haired line. We couldn't be more excited to have not one, but two of our incredibly special guests back with us again today. You know, I'm from the absolutely fantastic We Might Be Drunk podcast. You got Mr. Mark Norman? Yeah. And with a brand new special out on Amazon Prime right now. that you got to check out called You've Changed.

Give it up for Mr. Sam Marell. There he is. Mayanity out, it's your bachelor party, baby. That's got the hookers in here. Specials as adults, it feels like your birthday as a kid. Sure. It's a lot of text days. As an adult, you don't give a shit about your birthday.

Your aunt sends you five bucks. Congratulations on the new special. Here you go. But congrats, buddy. Thanks, man. Yeah. It's so weird because I got a shitty couch from Amazon. I'm complaining a customer service on Amazon

while promoting a special on Amazon. Do you know who I am? Why are you buying a couch from Amazon? That's crazy, first of all. It was for like I have a little outdoor space so I want to get a little outdoor couch going. Okay. And I still fucked up.

Yeah, furniture from Amazon. You don't go to CB2 or Westdown? I fucked up. That's all you need, Amazon. It's outdoor. You're fine. You got a new spot. You're stacking the place with Amazon furniture?

You're not doing that. I'm going less. Wayfair. I'm full-on sex trafficking, baby He's still her tight with the coin. I get a couple kids in that dresser. No, you're getting nice stuff because I bet the wife is in charge of that. Yeah, well, she's not great.

She's a half a time. She doesn't look. She picked me me. So she doesn't know much about choices. She went way fair on that one. Yeah. I hope she picked that jersey. That New Orleans jersey's pissing me off right now.

Oh, sorry. Dude, Marelle walked. He's from New Orleans. You're wearing a New Orleans jersey? I know, but he's adopted the Knicks. We went to a bunch of games this year. He's a flip-flopper this guy. Well, this was free.

That was the Brunson. That's true. I'll wear that one tomorrow. We're potting tomorrow. I'll wear that one. But yeah, I got the same body as Caitlin Clark. There you go. And the same Adam's apple.

Sam, we did want to ask you guys, and the Amazon thing kind of jars it a little bit. But when you guys were coming up, what was the, I know the lifestyle, but getting around the city was all subways? Yeah. When would you take a taxi at what point? Spots. Spot.

To go pick up. I got to go pick up this spot pay. I got to get there. No, I mean like weekends were for taxis. Like weekdays you didn't take taxis. Because the spot. That's an old New York thing. No, no, because a weekend pay at the club got you more money.

Sure. So the weekday, you're getting what, 20, 25 bucks a spot. Yeah. What are you going to spend 15 of that in a cab getting to the spot? Kill your profit margin. Yeah. So the weekends paid more. So you're like, I'll take a.

Sure. Okay. You two are more on the frugaler side. You're smart with your money. You're way better than us. Of course. I've always said Mark wanted to be a Jew. I remember one time getting to a cab, this is 10, 15 years ago, a soda, and we got in the cab, and he was like, I need the receipt. What you never do? And the guy went like, that old school printer. And he printed out this little receipt with a couple notches on it. He's like, tax is sharp. I was like, whoa.

My family growing up, we were big on getting them at the toll booth. Wow. Yeah, 70 cents. That's crazy. My dad would be like, and let me get a receipt. You're going to write it off. You write it all off. The base receipts got hot for a while in the early 2000s.

I think for people's expense reports. God. My dad had a pile of him in his glove compartment. Being an accountant back that must have been held. He just got a hand in a box of shit. It's crazy. Brutal, yeah. You know.

But it really is. Like, thank God for PDFs, man. Yeah. Change our lives. I don't track. I mean, you know, I don't track any of it. I just like, I mean, we have a, credit card that all the business stuff goes on.

I go, you guys figure this out. I'm not. I got hit up reason. Your QuickBooks are a mess. I mean, I didn't even know I had QuickBooks. Yeah, what are you talking about? Quicken. Remember that?

Yeah, I think that's the, wait, Quicken. Quigin was taxes, I think. I think it's all the same. Now, don't they have a stadium? Quick and Loan Stadium? Maybe. I was TurboTax for a hot match. Oh, yeah.

For a couple years. Yeah, I did that for a couple years. Before that, it was. H&R blocks? H&R blocks for the rapid refund. Whoa. Yeah, that was one of those dirt back. It's my money and I need it now, Daddy.

Let's go. He said I got rapid reflux. Called J.G. Wentworth. Did you guys ever do that? I assume at a certain point in the city you were waiting on the tax return, right? Oh, huge. That was big. And then sometimes you owed.

That was a low blow. Yeah, that was waiting tables. That was brutal. Totally. I'm still a cash man. I'm all cash. Really? Really?

I like cash. It's under the table. It's fun. He doesn't trust the bankers. No. Settling, he was hiding. My mattress is lopsided. Do you have?

You've been robbed, though. That's true. Also, by the way, you're setting yourself up to get robbed. Yeah, what are you doing? That's crazy. Shit, good point. Mark, my new place is full of cash, because I don't trust banks. I can't imagine you like paying an ATM fee either.

No, never. You're going right to your branch. Well, they hit you twice on those fees. Oh, okay. They do. Mazel tovah. It's like I'm talking to the two old guys from the Muppets. What?

Deleted scenes from Fiddler on the roof here. That's too much tuna. That's all right. So what was, because we were talking now that, you know, like our tides have changed a little bit. Are we've gotten fancier with eating and ordering food? We've gotten lazier. We've gotten lazy and fatter, I should say. You guys seemed, you guys, to us always kind of did it the right way.

You were smart with everything. you know you broke everything down what would it take for you guys to go out to dinner oh we went to a no not now i'm saying then oh then it was rare i only spent money on women back then yeah still still frugaled it you know get the one-legged lady or the guy who's wheezing or anything what's the cheapest ethnicity you have here that's my favorite scene in thief remember you ever see the thief where james con is trying to adopt a kid and they find out he is a criminal record And he's like, well, take a black or an Asian one. And he's being serious.

He thinks that's like helping. They're like, whoa, no, he's been in prison. No. Or what was the daily diet? Say you went out to do, did you have a day job at the time or no? I was like, at that point at the end, I was just doing like part-time shit. Gotcha. But no.

Were you doing like dollar slices a lot? Yeah. Were you doing a mummoons was that kind of? Dollar dumpling. You get four for a buck. That's still good. That's still banging. Yeah.

But. But, no, at night, you don't go to dinner because you were working. Of course. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Mark was, like, my model for, the guys that were working insane amounts from Mike and Mark, Mike Lawrence and Mark. Oh, yeah. Mike Lawrence was, like, self-hating on a level I'd never seen. Crazy.

He'd do, like, nine open mics. And at a point I'm like, you're killing yourself. Sure. This is like, your posture's changed. You look miserable. But he fainted at one. No joke. He didn't eat.

It was too much. I think I played that room. But, no. So at that point, it was as many spots as you can do in a night. And if you had a girl, I remember Ali Wong was like, don't get a, don't get a girlfriend. Wow. I was like, what do you mean? She's like, because you're funny.

And if you get a girlfriend, you're going to like want to stay home and watch Netflix and sweatpants. Sure. And looking back, she was right. Like, because dinner is a sign of stability to a woman. And I was like, I'll breakfast and lunch. I should, Eddie. But I can't. I can't take you.

I can't go to dinner with you. Sure. You want a rapper or a smoothie. I'm all yours. I'm eating a diner at 2.30 a.m. At that point, anything pops up, you take it. Yes. Oh, of course.

Anything pops up you do like, oh, shit, I got to leave town today. And they're like, what? I mean, we still kind of do that. It's like, oh, you know, we had plans to go here. I'm like, well, we're not doing that anymore. Oh, man, I remember being in movies. Mark and I would, like, keep our phones on in movies because I'd be like, Esty might text.

Sure. We might get dropout spots. So it'd be in, like, the middle of Django and change. I'm like, I just got an 805. Let me get the fucking, let me add that in there. My phone on my wedding. I can make the late show. Damn, stretch, stretch.

I'm on my way. The honeymoon's canceled. I got a weekend at helium. Let me get out of here. Hey, Dove can't make it. Can you be here in an hour? I like it. Doing my vows.

So what's up with Uber? Because to us looking up when we were in the village, you guys, I mean, that was the heyday of the running around doing spots. And you guys were at the perfect age. Post-pandemic doesn't really happen as The clubs, and the hangs aren't as good. No, bad.

So it's like, you're like, you used to be like, oh, I have a, if you had like a three-hour gap between spots, you try to pick something up. But now it's just like you're sitting by yourself in a bar. But there's always somewhere to go, and there was always like a show you could pop into, maybe some would be. Bar shows were so big then.

Yeah. And they might still be. I'm a little out of that loop right now. Not as much, no. Cabin. There's no cabin anymore. Like a hug. There's no cool spot where everybody goes every Wednesday night.

You had the Irish eggs. Yeah, Irish exit. He had that one. He had one at O'Hanlands back in the day. Mark always had a show and I always had a show. He still runs like four shows. I got two. Every time it's like,

I got three this week. But there are clubs now. Like back in the day, we all had a bar show. That and a pokey place in the village. Yeah, we were at the lantern a lot. I mean, we were running shows out of the lantern. Yeah.

I barked for them. For the lantern. Really? Yeah, that's a low. Not even a club. I'm barking for a bar. I do. I do.

I remember years at the underground lounge. That was like the one. Where's that? at 107 to 109th and West End but it was like I like West End you know what I liked about it I liked Barking places where no one would see me sure I was like I can I can fail in the shadows Right because you I didn't want good comics to see me when I was bad I think I think a lot of comics now who are young they want to be around everything

And it's like no you want to you want to come out of nowhere and everyone's like who the fucks this guy That's why we stayed down there at least yeah that's why we really only stayed there like but hang it to sell if there was like enough people like yeah sure you were never the never wanted to be the guy of being like because i remember somebody was like i don't want people to see me now i know where was i still working at the king so i'm gonna watch i'm like don't fucking watch in the whole i'm gonna miss fuck that but i'm working on it oh it's the worst one it went a really good oh my god i got off stage the other day and i just see uh louis c s in the in the crowd and i'm like if you were here and then you're like now i would have done the new shit but why the fuck were you here

Sure, yeah, of course. But he's such a pro, he gets it. Anonymity is key. It's like you said, get good in the shadows. I feel like these young quefs are like, oh, I got half a laugh. Put it on TikTok. But I think that that's too much. I think that's what it is now.

I know. I think we're still looking at it from like that. You could be missing out on millions of dollars. That one TikTok could blow up. I guess, but then what's, it's short money. Then what? You got to have a fucking hour together, you know? Like, I get it.

You want that dopamine hit now and you want to go viral now, but you want to be good, too. so when people come out to see you. I think you're right. I mean, but I also get the, you know, I get the impulse to, you know. To get it up. I want it up there. But yeah, I took me like 10 years to put out my first album. I was like, it's got to be perfect.

But then I remember I was talking to Joe Zimmerman, who's a really funny comic. And he's like, what are you holding it on? What do you hold on this material for? Like, let it the fuck out. I was like, right, all right. Yeah, you hear that Leno? Let it out of the bag. He's got new stuff every night.

Norman, when you would take a girl out on a date, You wouldn't do dinner if it was a first date. No. You're a drinks guy. I had a move. This was my move. Dinner's horrible for a first date. Oh, I think I've done that once in my life.

Eye contact, small talk, just face-to-face. I just swat in the bill. I love sweat and avoiding eye contact. Brutal. Then you're like, don't get the fish. Market price. What did crustacean clothes at today? Shout out of the goal.

But yeah, you took a girl to a, we get a drink. Then I go, ooh, I got a spot. You should come with. You put her in the audience. You go up, you try to kill it, you do your best shit. Then you get free drinks there. You get her one there. You know, maybe another one.

You watch Dave Attell or whoever. You go, I know this guy. You say hello. Then you go up for one more, and that was it. It was a seal. Sure. That's a pretty good night. If someone who likes or is even kind of impressed by comedy, it's like you're going in, you're shaking the hands.

It's like your good fellow's moment. Totally. You walk up, you kill, you get the fuck out of there. And then think about every other Tom Dick and Anil. They go and take a girl out. And it's just like dinner, drinks, maybe a movie, chit-chat, walk to the park. This is like comedy club. The waitress are high-fiving you.

You get the check at the end of the night and the cash. You can't beat that. Until she's like, I'm more of a jazz girl. I rift. I didn't date blacks. Dinner is such a ballsy move for her first date because if they suck, you've just extended the night. You get catfish. Now you're having appetizers.

You're like, fuck. Just add another 20 minutes to this right here. Totally. I eat like an animal, too. There's no way I'm not blowing it at that dinner. Spots all over my shirt. And as the guy, nobody wants to say this, but you got to be shucking and jiving. You're on at that dinner.

She's like, impress me. She's like, impress me. No, of course. You got to carry the conversation. You got to carry it. I remember one time talking to this, just throwing everything. And she wanted, she was just like, oh, that's cool. Oh, fuck.

I was like deep out in Brooklyn, too, spending, you know, most of my money on a rounded drinks. It's a bad gig. It's what it is. You're just bombing. Yes. You're like, I know what I'm saying is good.

It's a corporate gig. That's what you are doing. It worked on the tonight show. And nobody's going to the movies. Come on. This is my first date set list. This always works. This is you,

honey. This ain't me, all right? This is tried and true material. And just like, that's like a bad show. You get the check. The check stinks.

Get them with the light. Get them out of there. What were, what were some of the old school haunts that you would go get drinks? Like, if you were meeting up for drinks, afterwards. Where we, if it was like

you two or whoever, where like some, whether it were dive bars or just hanging at the clubs. Cabin was a big, that was like where a lot of comics would hang. That was the classic show, Sean Padden's great show cabin.

We would drink, I mean, a lot of those village spots, we got drunk at like blue and gold holiday cocktail lounge. Oh, yeah. Where else do we go? I've been off the wagon a few times just because the proximity is right there.

There's a spot across the cellar called 181. You go down the stairs. Yeah, you go down the stairs. Yeah, that's a pretty good spot. A tight little spot. But it really is a time gone by. And that's why, you know, we love talking to you guys about it.

Because to us, you were in the, you were in the thick of it. You guys were doing it. Yeah, it was a good time. And you were, you were zipping around the city, you're having drinks here. You're doing this. You're doing the fucking diner hangs. Yeah. I feel like that's kind of fading away.

I don't think it's fading away. I mean, I think a lot of less comics are drinking, but that's probably, you know, good for them. Sure. A lot of the last people are drinking. Everybody's sober. I find it's like a lot of times just my stuff. I mean, it's up me texting Donnelly and I'm like, man, I've had this beer a thousand times. Well, props to you guys, because we were in Austin, I don't know, two weeks ago,

and you guys were like, I got a flight at seven, and we stayed out at that bar until fucking, you guys stayed out to four or whatever. It was a late one. I left everything in that hotel room. My belt. My contacts. I left so much in the dignity. A couple of stained sheets. Brutal. Dragging that roller bag out of there. It's 4.30 in the morning. Oh, okay. Let's talk about Rocket money. Gang, do you got a bunch of subscriptions that you don't know about that you're getting banged out for every single month? Yeah.

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Yeah, it was a great hang. You and Ari were in town, which was unexpected. Yeah. We were in town. So it was just like this fucking everybody's hanging, everybody's smoking, drinking. It was like the shots were going on. That was like an old school. fucking hang that, you know, that's few and far between now for us.

It was one of those lose your voice hangs where you're like, no, fuck that. There's smoke everywhere. There's drinks. The shots coming. Once the shots come in, it's over. Yeah, it's lights out. Fucking shots. Yeah.

We're too old for shots, man. No, they're great. Are we? We should. I mean, look, I'm more of a sipper, but look, if it's a special occasion, I'll do a shot. But once the first shot goes down, you're like, that ain't going to be the first. I know. No.

No. Maybe not shots, but I think neat liquor is the. That shots, dude. What are we talking about? answer moving forward. What? Neat liquor. Like, you know, like having like a bodega cat on the rocks are just neat.

Oh, man, that would have to put a plug. That guy's a pro over here. We were at the sell the other night at the table. And it was a late, I want to say late Sunday or Monday night at we're at the table. I had a beer in me. Like I was like, I have a beer. Takar rolled up who's a known booze bag. He's a great.

He's a cocktail. He's a known booze bag. And he's an animal. He's a trigger. And it was like, forget about it. She said she hit it with a line. Moes Tavern? Two flaming Moes.

Once I saw that, like I got off stage and they were already sitting there. I was like, oh, I'm not getting out of here. No. Forget about it. And Lisa hit us with a line that was good. She's like, I'm not drinking. I'll just do a shot of Jack. And I was like, that's a, it sounded good like he wasn't drinking.

Doesn't make sense. But I know what I was like, I'll do one too. There you go. But no mixers, no beers with the calories and all that stuff. just a, you know, a glass of vodka, a glass of tequila? Yeah. Just working on anybody?

No, no. Man, would you buy stocking it or something? This guy's pushing neat liquor. No, I, I, I, market. We get it. You're off the soda. I love a neat, like, especially in the winter, you get, like, a fucking pety scotch.

Just neat. I love that. I love, like, any whiskey neat is, and shit, if I'm, if it's a summer, I don't want, I want ice, vodka on ice or whiskey on ice, you know? Do you have the line that we talk about a lot? coming out of a bar drunk in the winter in New York City. It's my favorite thing.

That's from you, Sammy. You don't get that everywhere. You don't, Miami, you don't get that fucking cold wind in your face. And there's something romantic about it. Oh, 100%. And you got to live. I mean, it's that Jim Jeffries quote, no great story ever started with, so I had a salad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never told a story to start a like that. Yeah, he goes, people that don't drink. Isn't that the Jim's line? People that don't drink, it always, all their stories end the same way. And then I got home.

Yeah, come on. That's good. It's no fun. We wanted to do, what is your, we wanted to do a thing on diners real quick. What is your, both of your,

what is your favorite diner? As a lot of them are closing. Wow. A lot of it, that was used to, for a comedian, that was a New York institution. You had your,

it's like your fucking, they were, you know, your ports in a storm. It was like, oh, I'll go here. I got three hours of kill. I can write. I can get one cup of coffee or whatever.

the fuck it is. I got three and one's a wild card. Hit me. One, I think the most classic kind of diner left is Westway. Yeah. On 9th Avenue and 45th. Yes. That's the Seinfeld, Larry David Diner, famous. We have a great pick of us

in that one. Great pick. The Salacuse took. Yeah, it's great. I love La Bo Bonnier, which sounds a little snazzy, but it ain't. What's that? It's cash only. It sounds very snazzy. Try the yescargo omelet. I know. I think I know what you're talking about. I just saw this on Instagram. There is it?

It can't get more greasy spoon than La Bobbon. B-O-N, B-O-N-I-E-R-E, I think. La Bobaigneur. I don't know what that means in French. There's a new one that just opened up across from Penn Station called American Diner. Oh, I went there. What? It's outrageously priced.

You thought so? It's a fake diner. It's wanting to be a diner. It used to be a pizza place or something like that. I thought it was awesome. A little pricey, huh? Well, I mean, I walked out of there with like a stack of pancakes. a coffee and I think I got like a fries and it was like 80 bucks or something.

Sure. What? Okay. Well, this is this is a, this is perfect. This is why we wanted to. So we have, all right, what is your go-to? If you two went to sit down and write for an hour, what are both of you getting? Oh, that's a good question.

Obviously, obviously starting with coffees. Yeah. And then depends the time of day, but like, my omelet go-toes are, I love a chicken suvlocki. Wow. What? What? What?

What? It's a, what? Or Middle Eastern diners. Sure. No, you're not wrong. It just wasn't expected. I love a tuna melt. Okay.

Something so fucking classic about a tuna melt, especially in the winter. Soup is always good, too. Yes. But like, hard not to get an omelet. Yeah, it's a bowl of soup. Hard not to get an omelet. I love a good omelet. That's my go to.

I like a Western at Denver. Yeah. Great. Great. I'm a meatloaf man through and through. Really? Extra gravy. Okay.

Not for me. All right. So we have... I want to walk out of their limping. Dude, meatloaf and soup is a wild diner. Well, at all could... I think we were talking about this. When you go into a diner and you get an entree,

which comes with soup, usually soup, salad, and the basket of bread. A vegetable and sometimes mashed potatoes. Dude, they treat you like you're a Kennedy. Yes. You are the other person getting fries and a burger. Yeah, yeah. Don't get the vaccine.

Dude, you hit that entree. They bring out the bread. and everything and the butter on the table treat you like a goddamn gentleman. It's real nice. So what we wanted to do is we wanted to try to guess the amount of a diner order. Toby has a diner order

which is run it down. Well, it depends on the diner too. So this is Washington Twisters. I know that diner. Washington's a good diner. Yeah. It's gotten grimy and a little growing. Many in the night diners. Yeah, that was, I mean, that was our fucking. I want to throw in there. That was my office for fucking five years, dude. Not a traditional diner, but

Oh yeah. But you, Veselka's great. Oh, yeah. It's just a great spot. Yeah. And, I mean, that fucking line now is a little annoying. It's crazy. But it's, I'm happy they're doing well. Yeah.

Oh, great soups there. Good soup. They got a, they got a borsh there. They do a cucumber soup in the summer then. Come on. Very refreshing. Odessa closed, but that was a great spot, too. Odessa was a great night spot.

You got a bestromy melted five in the morning. You're like, ooh, that's going to soak up some of the other. Oh, you're going to be having a miscarriage. Well, you guys share anything. If you guys go out to a diner, well, you get like a friend. fries for the table or mozzarella sticks. Waffle for the table or pancake for the table, depending on the mood. Pancake for the table is good, I think.

Wait, off-rip or like with the entrees? With the entree, just bring it all. Even if you're getting a burger, side of a coyote. Yeah. It's a nice little treat cakes only if I'm getting eggs. Not an animal. No, it's like breakfast or it's lunch. I don't like mixing breakfast with.

We rolled into diner. He's like an old divorce couple. Well, Mark with the meatloaf. He does the grapefruit. I don't know. This guy looks great, but he eats like Wallace Sean. I don't what the hell. Wallace Sean. I mean, I feel like I'm in a diner with an old fucking...

I eat like Gandalfini's last meal. I'm going down with the shit. I like a meatloaf. You know, it's an underrated pool at the diner, too? The open-faced turkey sandwich. Oh, that's pretty good. You get mustard or gravy? I get gravy on it and put a little mustard on the side.

Anything with gravy, though, I'm sold. You put gravy on a man's ass and I'll eat it. That's what... I remember when I first. was introduced to what they call on the East Coast Disco fries. Oh, forget about it. I don't know you could do that. It ruins the cheese fries, man.

It makes them soggy. I want that crisp. Oh, interesting. It's a good point. Cheese fries with the cheese whiz is one thing. But that's mozzarella cheese. That's all good. That you're just eating with a fort.

I like that the fries get soggy. I do too. I hate crispy. One of the best places I saw late night diner like eight of us walked in. We like get the big corner booth. And before we even sat down, they went, can you drop a plate of fries for the table? And they were down, you know, by the time you're looking at the menu,

fucking big order of fries come so you can fucking. Yeah. And also, I love remembering you can order beers at a diner, which I forget about a lot. And you're like, oh, I'll do a beer. Yeah. If you get a liquor drink at a diner, that's crazy. They go heavy on the poor.

Oh, yeah. That's not a bartender back there. That's a guy fighting for a green card, dude. Yeah. You're in a fucking diner. I'm a ngroni, please. Like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? What's he doing to us?

Two ingredients, max. Sure. All right, so what is the order, Tebow? And then we're going to try to, uh, we did this on Patreon. We're going to try to guess the total amount of the check. Yes. All right, this order was assembled by New Guy Luke. Here we go.

All right. Watch square diner. You got a two egg platter with bacon. Two egg platter. All right. You got a cheese omelette. Okay. A cheese burger deluxe.

Ah, deluxe is a bitch. I get you. A can of soda. Coffee. French fries for the table. Cottage cheese. Jesus. Cottage cheese.

Who's eating here? Foley? That's Foley. Foley? Foley. You know, like, the California delight? Oh, yeah. Comes on a side of jello and some fresh fruit.

Don't you love the diners? They're like, the healthy option. It's like, it's like fucking the chicken salad. It's like drenched in mayo. I'm like, this is your light side? I love it, but I'm like, don't pretend this shit's healthy. They put the kind of cheese in, like, iceberg lettuce, too. It's brutal.

It's always so it's called like light bites or something like. It's like half a chicken barn. Right, right. That's an all-time age fully. Get everybody off his scent move. He's like, I'm getting the melon with the kind of cheese. He really orchestrates a healthy order somehow. And then a tuna salad sandwich.

Huh. Gee, it's a big order. That's a big order. Yeah, you got a lot of people. Norman, yeah, you a tuna guy? You like tuna? I love tuna. Sam likes the tuna melt.

Kippee, don't touch. Tuna melts is, people say you can't have cheese on seafood. No, it's so good. Get the fuck out of here. It's delightful. A nice tuna melt with fries and the ketchup. Oh, yeah. Okay, so we got an egg dish, we got an omelet, we got a...

Cheeseburger deluxe, soda, coffee, French fries, cottage cheese, chicken noodle soup and a tuna salad sandwich. 75. So it's three people. I'm going to 150. I mean, this is a big order. Norman might snipe that is like... No, all right. What's a bowl of soup going for you, thing?

Six easy Easy It used to be like A bowl might be 8. It might be 8 now New York's out of control Wait is this with tax and tip or just No this is just out the door

Oh so with tax We'll get into the tip With tax Yeah just we have all right Yeah I'll go 120 I'll go 80 I'll go 91

I gotta break this down a little bit So this is three people eating Right Sounds like just you. Yeah, who said. Or you and a small child. Don't touch that omelet. All right.

75. 85. There you go. What did you say 80? I think 80 is. And Norman damn near sniped the soup at 695. 695. Look at that.

They're getting crazy. Dude, Veselka soup's like 10 bucks. That's wild. That's different, though. Veselka's upscale. It says it's a diner, but that's like. It's an upscale. diner. At that diner

on, what is it, West 3rd or whatever? Or West 4th? There's a homeless guy pooping in that diner 24-7. Easily. That's way different than Vazelka. Yes. Yes. Luke also included every single soup of the day, which is insane. Let's hear it. All right. No, we don't hear it. But somebody's fucking with a Yankee bean and a split pea.

Come on, or a lentil. Get out of here. Monday. They got Yankee Bean. Thursday. Split pea. I know my dinner. You don't like a Yankee Bean or a split pea? I love a split pea with a little bit of bacon in it. What are you, chicken noodle? Chicken noodle, matza, beef barley, I love.

I'll do a bisque. Hitler would have hated you. I know you're not really a Jew, but he would have heard you talk and been like, he's close enough. Let's take him for good measure, you know what I mean? Circumcised. You don't like the split pea with a little piece of ham in there?

A bite's enough. I don't need a full bowl of a green snot. What's your favorite soup? Fantastic, by the way. I love that. Thank you. Thank you. A fan made, though.

Oh, nice. Mark, what's your favorite soup? Well, probably seafood gumbo, but I'm biased. Sure. That's great. It's a great call, though. And it's not an everyday soup. You got that right?

I love a borsh. Mm-hmm. Sure. Hard to beat a borsh because you can go cold with it. You can go hot with it. It's like my wife. But you get one with the heavy meat. Holy shit.

Oh, yeah. The cellar borsh is killer. It's great. Yeah, it's all right. I always say the food there's. I love the food. It's fantastic. It's crazy good.

All right. All right. Now, if you two did go out, who's picking up that check? Will you go back and forth? Will you go back and forth? But I think a split is a nice move. Yeah. Because otherwise there's weird resentment.

Do you split like, hey, my bowl of soup was $6? No. It's 40 bucks, 20 and 20 out the door. Just split. Right down the mid. You've done that before. You've itemized the split, though. I would have to assume.

I try not to. I don't want to split hairs. I want to just get in, get out. Let's say it's you and like seven other comics for like one of those like, you know, the guys are going out to lunch kind. of thing. Yeah. Then what are you doing?

Then it's every man. Just going to the bathroom when the check goes. Yeah. Every now and then I'll pick up the whole thing and just feel like I went to family family vacation with the wife's family. I was picking up checks like Bill Gates out there. I was like, fuck this. And you feel cool because I would do the bathroom move where you go and get to the bathroom.

Anybody in that fam overstep, order a little too much or whatever if they know the big dog's ban? The brother, my wife's brother's wife was a real cool. I mean, she's coming in there with the champagney and the overapping. Let's get all the apps. We'll taste them all. The people who get aggressive with the bottles of wine.

Yeah. That's a piece. No one I go out with that we've ever. We'll do it if we go out together and we go to a steakhouse and it's like after a show or something and someone's like, it's once in a blue moon where it was like, I was going to get a red wine. I was going to get a red wine. It's like, all right, let's get the bottle. I mean, I'm not operating with people of that ilk.

Well, my girlfriend. I'm just shit to my girlfriend at this point. She's like, oh, get another bottle of a bottle. A bottle? Yeah. Come on. We don't need a bottle. You do save money on it, though.

If you're going to have a couple of glasses, plus you're getting a fresh crack bottle. You're not getting the shit that's been sitting out at the end of the bar for the last couple of days. A swill. Yeah. I know they're fucking you on cocktails, but something about wine at restaurants. I just know how much they're fucking. Oh, they're screwing you. Yes.

15, 16, $17 for a four ounce poor wine. That's why you get the bottle, Sammy. Interesting. I guess. I just am more of a cocktail guy when I go out. Yeah. Okay. I want to, if I'm going on like a steakhouse, I want a dirty martini or a Manhattan or something.

Is your late, you're, well, if you're doing that, what's your lady doing? Sometimes she'll go martini too, but occasionally. Ooh, it's a classy lady. My wife's off the saucer, she'll do cock, like, mocktails, which are still, like, in New York. They're like, 18 bucks. What a live. Just get a fucking Jameson. I know.

You're fucking killing me here. Just fall back. Just go back in the way. Dude, I've had a realization we went out to dinner recently. I always do three. I'll get three Manhattons, and I'm, like, pretty sauced up after that. Sure. and every night ends with me being like,

what is your problem? I'm like, oh, that's the booze talking. I got to stop it too. I got a thing. I'm like, you're not understanding what I'm saying. It infuriates me how long it takes my girl a drink. No, that's good. You're saving dough.

Yeah, but I feel like I'm asking. You want to be in it together. That's true. You want to get, you know, I need a teammate here. One time I saw Seinfeld having coffee on his show and the other guy got tea and he got annoyed. And I got it. Yeah. I really get that because with alcohol, I don't care if you get a different drink,

but you want him to kind of go drink for a drink. You're indulging with me. Just so you're kind of getting equally fucked up. That was him and Larry David's going, who cares what's in my cup? It's hot and I'm drinking it. It doesn't matter what's in my cup. And he said, if I eat a piece of cake and you have an apple, it's different. Yeah, yeah.

That's a great analogy. Great analogy. But like, Mark and I feel like, even right now, I'm a little annoyed. I finish my beer way before Mark. Oh, come on. Do you want another one? No, it's midday. It's midday.

But also, if I go out to eat and I buy everything, We're eating everything. Everything is getting eaten out that table. Oh, God. Don't you hate the person who's reckless that? I will eat it if it comes down to it. Okay. Or I'll call you.

But I'm with you. The wastefulness. The restaurant's 45 minutes away. I'll be there in 15. I understand there's a mozzarella stick. That is a hilarious character to just walk into a restaurant. Is this man with your party? Yeah, he's here now.

He's our cleaner. Let me call the. wolf clean this thing up. Michael Clayton, but for food. He's not the wolf, he's the raccoon. He's the hippo. I'm the diners. I'm the diner's fixer.

Throwing a large watermelon in his mouth. Mark and I joke about this, you guys, I'm sure, relate to this. You know, when you're on the road and you're, when you're picking up a tab and you get people at the table with you, it's like, they know you're paying, right? So then they start throwing shit. I'm like, you're not going to eat. In your head, no one's going to eat this. It's waste.

I mean, we, we travel and we travel, there's, you know, There's four or five of us out on the road typically. Yeah, we're like a youth basketball team. Yeah, we try. And like when we do in the very few cases where, you know, you're in a town on a Saturday night or whatever. And it's the show is over. There was one show or whatever. And you're like, oh, we can get a late reservation at a nice place.

Sure. The crew specific. Yeah. I mean, they don't even try to hide it. Yeah, I'm indulging it. They're like, I'm getting the fucking this. I'm getting that. New guy, Luke.

And Tommy C. Tom Cassidy, God love him. he likes a nice seafood bisque when we're in a nice spot New Guy Luke grew up as a rich kid and he's like I'm getting fun I'm not even I'm not even hiding this where this is what we're getting He'll pick the place new guy Luke will pick the place

And we don't even know what the hell we're walking into Yeah, he goes it's good it's got the $4 signs And I'm like it's good for you not for fucking not for the bottom line That's Gary Veter Every time he's like he's like you better you better take me out fancy bitch That's a text I get I guess I'm taking him out fancy Yeah, damn.

So you won't take leftovers. You'll make sure it's all finished there. I guess I'll do a leftover, but I try to, you know, if you order it, you're eating it. Or I'll be in hand. Because you know. This guy runs a tough household. It's good for morale. People order these eight appetizers and then they order an entree.

And I'm like, you're already full. You know you're full. But they're like, well, I got to get an entree. That's what we're all doing. It's a waste. When was the last time you ate something, you finished somebody else's entree? Jeez. Yesterday?

I mean, this is pretty common. The wife will teach two bites. Yeah, sure. But, yeah, a friend, and I just want to eat it. I don't want to, you know, if you leave food on the table, I'm going to eat it. Sure. It's a rarity, but sure. Yeah.

That's why I'm anti-leftovers. I'm like, if I like it, I'm eating the whole thing. And if I didn't like it, I'm not taking it home. It would be nuts for me to not finish it. Even if I didn't like it, I'll still consume it. Kit, let's talk about Sheath underwear. Shout out to OG Sheath. Been with us from Jump Street.

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If you order in, are you guys, do you guys over-order, are there ever leftovers or no? I'm bad, man. Yeah, I mean, his, his are, he was, for a long time he was ordering breakfast in, which I'd give him. Oh, that's a crazy move. That's bad. I love getting breakfast. I know, it's good to get out. You got to go out and get it.

Sure. Get some bite of it. even be on you. Theoretically, but it's also good. Stay with me here. For obesity. If it's a Wednesday, the bird had to go into the office or she's not there. You got nothing to do in the morning.

Order from the diner. You get the omelet. You get the pancakes. And you put on sopranos and you're asleep at that minute. You also does the ultimate fat guy move of pretending there's more people in the apartment when the delivery guy pulls up. Kids get in here. They send you four sets of silverware

You're like, no, it's just me That's something that they've really clamped down on You gotta ask for that shit now In the city to get the Forks and knives and all that stuff Are there any restaurants you're calling To get takeout or is it all Uber Eats If you are doing takeout

Or is there any still like old school spot Where you're gonna pick it like I'll pick up the phone and call fucking Tony's I only call I don't do Uber Eats Really? I don't like him You are old school I don't like Uber E? It's the breakfast thing

That's real dangerous You're sitting a bed I think you got to get up, get out. But he's got a lot of bad presidents. I mean, like, dude, that's like the best president. Come on. Talking about neat liquor and pancakes. I agree with you.

But yeah. It's also that sneaks up and that's like a $112 order on Uber Eats. The surcharges are bananas. Yeah. Oh, it's fucking. It's awful. Yeah, it's crazy. They kill you.

And especially like sometimes your Uber eats like a jug of ice cream. And I'm like, I don't know. I do? Yeah, it's got to be a big order. Where are you going to be doing that? Where you're together? My girlfriend does that shit. She's like, I want ice cream.

And I'm like, all right. I'm like, it's 95 degrees out. Enjoy getting fucking a soup ice cream. Yeah. It's like it's not going to get there in good, it never gets her in good shade. Sure. Sure. Well, it's like mail order bride.

No. But like Big J will be fully loaded. He'll mail order. What do you call? A Uber order. He'll Uber eats like Starbucks. and I'm like, wow, that just feels no judgment. We do that all the time.

We do that here. Really? We'll take an order for like on the way into the studio. We'll take an order of what's everybody want. So then it gets delivered. By the way, our podcast producer Matt does that too. Oh, he does? Yeah, we're paying for that.

Ah. That hell we are. You're finishing that coffee. Norman's calling up Starbucks. I need a large bike. All right. That's, you're still calling. That's crazy.

I like the call. I respect it. But you're not ordering it a lot. You're not really, no. Have you seen the viral video of the black guy who calls two Chinese restaurants and likes them to talk. To me, that's the height of humor. That was, I mean, we found in college we would say, I love you. I mean, it's like, it's an old kind of friend.

Like at the end you're like, I want this, this, this, all right, I love you. And I mean, every time, I love you too. And man, we'd be high and drunk just on the floor laughing. Did they love you a long time? Speaking of Chinese, Sammy, you're a New York kid. What's your go-to? Well, it's weird. The spots I love, we love the place that closed down.

What was that place? Well, Wohop? No, Wohop still. But it's not 24 hours anymore. They close at like 9 p.m. What? Something crazy. We had this problem when I was just home for the fourth with my mom.

I got the hankering for a little Chinese. And in the suburbs back in the day, there was a lot of sit-down, nice Chinese restaurants. Like in a strip mall. Where you'd go and they'd be nice, you know, they'd all decorate it, the big table. They hit you with the tea. And they'd do the fried noodles with the ducks. sauce and the hot mustard and you'd have the appetizer it was awesome can't we we wanted to go to there's none left they're all the ones that they have like that now it's like so overpriced

yeah yeah it's like a restaurant rather than like a quick diet I like that though but what's your go-to Chinese order if you're oh if I'm ordering uh chicken with garlic sauce dumplings good one sure uh I like yeah I love like if you have soup dumplings my dick's fucking hard yeah I love them you can't find there's like a regular Chinese spot I feel like it's got to a little bit of an elevated establishment. Or it's more specific about them. Yeah. Yeah, I love, I mean, General So's.

If we're in a group, I can't resist. I know it's like fucking... Candy. It's candy, but it's so fucking good. It's so good. That brown, sweet goodness. I know Kibby's out on this, but where are you guys out on the spicy mustard from the Chinese spot? Love it. The best.

I get it when I'm sick. It cleans out your size. Oh, man. Totally. Talk about a New York Jew. I put a little into my note. Oh, and a can of Canada drive. bet and a hot and sour soup dude oh i love hot and sour gotta have the canada dry i'm sick over here

the ginger and cured covid what are you talking about yeah the soups are important too from the i mean are you a hot and sour guy love hot and sour i like egg drop i'm going all i'll go wanton wanton's the best it's great i take the wantons out put them on the plate hit them with a little duck sauce and hot mustard eat them like that oh interesting how about those places i'll throw some fucking leachies at the end. That's fucking... Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Mark, you're the only guy I know that I can see running full speed down the sidewalk

eating soup, and I wouldn't be weirded out by it. He's got to get to that 805, baby. They should make that, portable soups. You know? They do. The bone brawl stuff now, you get in like a cup. I get that when I'm sick sometimes. You ever get that? It seems like you're sick a lot. I don't want to lean into stereotypes here.

But you seem a little under the weather. I always get something, but I always get something, but I I always power through. Sure. I don't cancel shit. Sure. I'm not a rare cancel. You're also, I mean, like, obviously you've had back problems.

I remember I bumped into you somewhere. We were at Moon Tower, so I saw you out front of the hotel. And I'm like, hey, I was like drunk and smoking. And you were like, this is like three years ago maybe in Austin. And you're all like, you're like, yeah, my God, you had like a pillow. You had like all gear to like help your back. I just did my set. I might open for someone else like asked you to open.

You're like, I think I'm just going to go laid out. In 20 years, Sam's going to be that guy at the end of Bringing Bad with the Bell. You can't move Can't get a decent Bull your base in this now Oh I've been bombing But yeah No I feel actually way better

The back stuff is all I mean once in a lot of something You hear me complain about my back Yeah, it's been pretty good Pretty good Pretty good That's good What cured it?

The acupunque A hot sour soup Yeah It's got it right on the back It's working out It's just going to the gym Yeah you got to stay You got to stretch

And stay on top of it Yeah you got to stay in shape It's important, you kids out there. You still in the OZM? I started back up on it. When we saw each other in Austin, I think I just started it back up. How much you down? I was down 70.

And then I went off of it. We went to Ireland immediately. Which was, I mean, listen, I can eat and drama of fat pieces of ship by no means, you know, cast and dispersion. I eat and drink. He was eating and drinking me under the, like, like I was a toddler. It was crazy. When I tell you my. superpowers came back.

He was ordering so many entrees. We were calling him Entree the Giant. Wow. He would sit down and be like, let me get the bangers and some eggs. The fishing chips, the meatballs, the meatlo, whatever. The incredible bulk. Yeah, it came back hard. And it's like, you know, I'm a very, very emotional eater.

Like, I'll just eat past when I'm full. Like, it doesn't even register. I'm just eating. Yeah. And this stuff, like, it really has my number. It really, like, messes with, like, my food? No. The O-Zemping.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The food has his number, too. So does the Chinese place. Foley? It really works on me and, like, changes the way, like, I think. You know what I mean? Yeah. So I started back on it then it's, now it's really starting to kick in.

Okay. So you're back on it. Back on it, yeah. And you're not craving. No. It makes you sick. Essentially. Makes you, like, not one of it.

Yeah. But it gets in there. And his burbs smell horrible. Really? It takes it. I'm telling you, there's the way I can describe it. It takes away. my superpower of eating and drinking.

Like I tried to have a couple of drinks this weekend at my mom's Fourth of July. Miller Light was going down like a bag of nails. Wow. Interesting. Yeah. So funny that you're fighting it. Yeah. I'm fighting it hard. I'm fighting it hard. Timvers

Modern Medicine. Fake man's going to win. Especially this time. I'm like really like, you know, analyzing it and like seeing how it works. It's crazy. Damn. Well, Ireland, everything is fried. Everything is Guinness. Everything's heavy. It's like mutton and shit. He was doing this crazy thing whereas he wasn't drinking Guinness.

He was ordering everything else but Guinness. It was just wild. I'm like, let me get the Moretti or whatever. Literally, we're literally at a bar that claims to pour the best Guinness in the world and he's like, I'll do an eyeball.

You're like, what the fuck? Guinness is so good, dude. I love it. I liked it over there, but I'm more of a Pilsner IPA, logger kind of guy. You're more of a nine margaritas than a hotel lobby guy. Yeah.

You're bringing a boat shit. We watched them. Where were we? Seattle or where the fuck were we? We were in Rochester. Rochester. The hotel we stayed in Rochester, ended up having this like very swanky rooftop bar.

It was like one of, you know, like, oh, the bar's open to whatever. This was the last time I drank with that. This is when I decided that I have to go back on it. And the guy was like a mixologist. And I mean, fully made him paint his masterpiece. Really? It was like, one of these, one of these, one of these.

Man. He must have, I'm not even joking. He must have about 14 drinks. Yeah. And they were all different. Wow. Well done. How's these hangovers treating you?

It's brutal. He's a bitch in the morning. He's sleeping in the front seat of a fucking minivan. The hangovers aren't really that bad. The sugar is what gets you. The margaritas. You wake up in the morning and you're like shaking. Yeah, yeah.

12 snickers bars. That's why I go soda or meat or ice. That is hilarious. That's why meat liquor. The sugar is a problem. You had 14 drinks. The alcohol is also a problem. I do this shit too, though.

I was with a friend the other day and I was like, fuck, I had a chicken sandwich at lunch. I feel like my stomach's killing me and he's like, I watch you have nine vodka's last year. That's like we were on. I think the second and last time that we were on, we might be drunk. I was telling you how I like to have Bloody Mary's on a plane.

And one of you were like, that's a lot of sodium. Oh, yeah. What the fuck you're talking about? I'm worried about the sodium. It is a lot of tomato juice, though. It's a lot of tomato juice. I love it.

It was me. It was probably me. Oh, yeah, of course. Love it. On a flight, too. It's fucking. Epic. Decident. It's like, I don't get it.

A tomato juice in the air. Yeah. A bloody Marionia flight hits different. Definitely. Yeah, it's all right. I'm a tomato juice. Like, remember when they said V8 was like healthy? I drank a gallon of that every day.

Really? I love V8. No. It's all salt. I guess it's all. Yeah, it's all salt. I never thought. I mean, I haven't thought about it.

You thought you had that and a half a grapefruit and a cup of coffee. You were like Jack Willane. Yeah. A cigarette. Yeah, a heater. Yeah. He had a start a day, right? Yell at your wife and say.

sitting traffic for 20 minutes. Screaming. That'd be good for you. Just have the cornflakes, buddy. All right. Hit us with another one. Yeah. Yeah, let's get into some garbage questions.

Guys, you know, when you join the Patreon, we'll answer your garbage question on the air. Patreon's got the first crack at it. We got the goddamn, we might be drunk boys in the building. And Sam Marel with a brand new special out of Nizan Prime right now. You changed. You are. Now, doing the radio host, brother, it's like somebody might have just tuned in.

Since it's reset. We're here with Mark Norman and Sam, Mark. Sam, you're sick, right? Which, by the way, the two of you both terrorists on local AM TV. Oh, yeah, I just saw you hit a guy with and he was like, all right. Oh, Joe. He forced it. More than Joe.

Yeah, that was a weird one. Joe Scarborough teed me up for that. Oh, yeah, you were on MSNBC. He teed me up for that one. And then I told it, and he was like, okay. I was like, this is your interview. You guided me to that. That's what they do.

You got a feeder tied up behind you? Well, that's what they do. It's funny. They, like, set you up for the joke. And then they're like, because some of the. am I just going, I'm like, I'm just going to derail this. But that one I was like, all right, let me try. Let me see if I can behave.

You know, I did have Al Sharped and across me. I'm like, let me try not to fuck with them too much. This could get weird. Yeah. But I still did. And then, yeah, they say, same with Ari Melbert. They set you up for the, like, jokes. And then they're just looking at you like, so why is that funny?

I was like, I don't know anymore. I thought it was good. I'm not sure. It's something. But they like, it's this weird thing where they, like, don't want to let you shine. Right. It's a weird thing where they're not allowed to laugh, really, I think. Yeah, that's a big part of it.

Especially it's something that, you know, not PC or whatever. Which is why it seems like the worst job in the world. Oh, that's a funny thing. I have to pretend not to laugh. What a prison that is. Definitely not the worst job in the world. Well, that's true. They get paid a ton of bullshit.

That's true. Maybe for me, that would be I could not do that gig. Yeah, you couldn't do that. I couldn't either. No. I think that's why we go on and fuck around. Yes. Because it's like, it's like a dishonest way.

Yeah, it's too. It's like too sterile. And then we get to just say something that's just like normal. And they're just like, oh my God. Exactly. And it shows. I get so many comments from like European people who are just like, oh my God, American TV is so fake, you know?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I guess it is. You know? Worst job of the world. I imagine guys in a cobalt mind being like, can you imagine being on the today show? Imagine sitting in your apartment doing bits on TV. I mean, Star Jones seems brutal.

Ha, ha. Oh, look at that. Lenny died. They died right next to the end. Lenny, do you hear what I said? This fucking eyeballs are bombing up. Hey, the bird just dropped dead. All right, what do you got?

All right, let's see. This one, great name. This is from Chode Jorts. Is it garbage or show up to your high school reunion in the same car you had when you graduated? Hell no. That's, yeah. I mean, you know how to fix a car.

But if I'm assuming it wasn't a nice car. You think soup's expensive. What are you talking about? 6.99 for a bowl. How many years of reunion are we talking? Even if it's five, you got to think it was probably a, no, no high schooler has a car. Five, I'll give you. But you'll give you five.

Do they do five year? Yeah. I never went to any. Five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five. Yeah, who goes to these? My mom just went to, I think, her 50th. It's your mom and Kevin Spacey. I think that's it.

going to other people. Wait, does he? Did he? No, I'm just saying he's looking for high school kids. But it would be like 30. Oh, yeah, good point. The math didn't work out on that joke. The joke didn't work, but we got what he was going for.

I still appreciate. I still appreciate it. He just walks in, looks around, walks right out. That's high school. His place is dead. I've never gone. Have you any? No, no.

And would you? No desire at all. Yeah, I'm not opposed to it, but I just like it's, no. I'm opposed. Yeah. I don't know what I would talk. to like everybody from high school that I still want to see I see you know we're like that's a good point I don't know who I would want to be like oh you're still yeah

doing that or and you're catching up with the people you don't really want to catch exactly and you're stuck with them you think you could go in and flex flash a little cash but there's probably dudes that are killing it you know of course guys and all that kind of stuff sure I don't think they're going no no I don't know dude you ever see romay and michelle's high school reunion that cool guy did come back are I did stand up at my 10 year high school union. Oh. One of the worst

sets. That's the worst job. What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you thinking? That's horrible, dude. I was like, hey,

gigs and gig. I was like, I'll get a good story out of it. Not a good story. Not worth it at all. How long had you been doing stand-up? Seven years? At that point?

You should have known better not to take that game. Are you kidding me. That's crazy. Was it paid? I went back to do. Like, maybe the flight. I went back to do like a,

they wanted me to do a, like an interstate. like an interview. Sure. So they did for their school. But that was fine. At your high school. Yeah, but the people that showed up like wanted,

it was like after school. So it was like people that wanted to see me. Right. So they were like, they were good. I was getting laughs and stuff. There you go. This is the thing we did recently.

Are you guys on the notable alumni for your high school? From your high from Wikipedia? Good question. We were not. Really? There was another comedian that beat me out. Pull it up. It wasn't a kid.

It was like a YouTube comedy personality. It was a girl. Oh. Dilliselle High School in New Orleans. Dela Sout. Catholic boy, Catholic private. Most likely to buy soup. Yeah, I got funniest. Oh, there you go.

That's good. Pretty good. All right, notable alumni. Come on, one time. Come on, I don't stand a chance if you don't have it. At least a priest's favorite. Mark Norman. Hey, come on.

Wow, I'm shocked. Who else is on that list? Any notable, uh, People of note? Yeah, anyone else? It seems like a lot of guys who rode the bench in the NFL. We had Marquise Hill. He played for the Tigers.

Yeah, okay. Carl Hankton, Chris Horton. You beat me up. Not, did he? Well, one of them fucked my girlfriend. I think more than one of them, probably. That's about it. No one else really banging.

What about Sammy? Browning, notable alumni. Hold on. This is a good private school. Yeah, yeah. There's going to be a stack on there. Yeah, Howard Dean went there. Whoa. That's a big one. Nice. But I think that I don't know.

All right, let's see what we got here. Notable alumni. Come on, baby. This one might be tough. This is, yeah, this is an accredited institution. This is New York City, too. Not De La Sol High School. PM Dawn Elementary.

Ah, they iced you, Sam. Who's on there, though? John D. Rockefeller Jr. What you got out? Never heard of him. I got fucked. That goddamn Nepo, baby. Some rapper.

This guy went out on his own and did it. That guy's a fucking pussy, dude. What are you going to do? All his bags were light. Wait a minute. John D. Rockefeller, that's not the main one, right? It's one of them. Is that the original?

No, it's probably his like. He'd buy and sell you. Sure. Turn my lights out. That's awesome. You want the high school John D. Rock him. I know not with him.

Andrew Lack, chairman of NBC and MSNBC. That's probably why I're having bad interviews over there. He's trying to keep you off the notable alumni. He's like, fuck this guy. I went to school with him, mess with him. Set him up and then don't laugh. I'm sure we asked you when you were on the first time. Did you do good at that school?

Do you your grades good? At the end. At the end. By 11th and 12th grade, I got good grades. Nice. But yeah, up until then, no, I was fucking around. I was getting high. I was the worst.

Sure. No. Yeah, it's all right. I always wish I went to a good school. You got suspended ever? All the time. Oh, all right, yeah, me too. My junior year in high school, I was, I got into a lot of trouble.

What do you do? Just like fighting. You and the cafeteria ladies. Give me that popcorn chicken, you bitch. I know you got more hot dogs back then, Linda. Quit jerking me around. Every goddamn day I come. You have a deal, man.

We have a deal. I got to fight my junior and I got suspended for like two weeks that's when they were like they became concerned right you know what I mean people that cut the uncles were coming over sitting down doing the talk all that oh boy straighted out my my senior year yeah I never never really any trouble my brother was very bad so like I he blew like my older so I was like oh I just don't have to I learned from him of like how not to get in trouble sure I was like if I just tow the line

nobody'll I was I was always in trouble I was always in trouble I was literally from like kindergarten. I was able to do armpit farts. So it was like, I was working on my. I never could do that. Me neither. Let me see if I still got it. Come on baby.

Whoa. Whoa. You just made it on the notables. Take that Joe Scarborough. I couldn't. That sounds dubbed in. I couldn't, yeah, I couldn't stop. Oh man, I remember I had a teacher.

He was like a hilarious guy. He was a big Southern guy. Like one of those amazing bodies where he was He was a kind of fit here, but then he had the biggest guy. And he had a dream body. Kind of like old Bert a little bit. A little bit. Like whatever, five years ago.

But look like Ambassador John Bolton. He had like the big glasses and the fucking and the mustache. And I remember who's always like, Sam, you need to stop behaving. I'd be like, I promise I'll start now, you know? And right as I'd say that I'd just like sit in the chair, lift my legs up and fart. And he'd be like, get out. But it would kill. I'd always kill.

Yeah. But then by the end, you start playing to the teachers too. You know, you're like, all right, this fucking up everything. I got to. You got to know your crowd. Turn it around a little bit. I was always jealous of the kid in the pool that could go like that. Can never do that.

Oh, yeah. Like really squirt the water? Love that. Burke can do that. How about this guy? Oh, so I get it about. I can't whistle. You can't whistle?

I can't whistle. I can't wink one eye. Yeah, I'm all jammed up. I could teach you to whistle. Give me one hour and a bowl of soup. I'll get you there. Buy your pants off, sir. We had a buddy who could throw up on demand.

Whoa. And, like, it was, I mean, finding that out in, like, seventh or eighth grade was fucking the, you know. Every aspiring actress in L.A. were like, wow, that's impressive. Yeah, we would just be, like, go over there and throw up. I mean, like, he'd be talking to somebody and just, not on them, but, like. Yeah. You had to get out of a restaurant bill, too. We did do that at a pizza place.

Not proud of it. But, you know. Anything to not pay the check. Yeah. All right. You guys ever do the fake birthday or fake? No, I don't even like doing it if it is their birthday. I don't like the attention.

But you got the place in New Orleans that gives you the free, I know that place you're talking about. Oh, Henry's, right? Oh, yeah. They give you the free birthday meal. That's right. Oh, me'll give you. But for like just the...

Proof of ID? Usually not. Really? Yeah. How many birthdays have you had there? So many. Really? So many.

Yeah. It's worth it. Sure. In Philly, there's Ray's Happy Birthday Bar. dive bar, South Philly, where it's like, you know, if you go there for your birthday, they open at like fucking 7 a.m. or whatever.

And I think you drink, you get some drinks for free on your breath, so everybody goes at some point. Sure. But if it's not, like, people go and they'll be like, oh, it's fucking Magic Johnson's birthday today or whatever. So they're like constantly celebrating

a famous person's birthday or whatever, but it's a great fucking head. This might be a trash move. Did you guys do the, the clipped dollar bill on the shirt? No. I didn't even know what that is. What?

This might be a southern thing. Yeah, a buddy in Ohio did that. Oh, okay. If it was your birthday, you got a paper or a bobby pin, whatever you call, safety pin, and you put a dollar on your shirt, which meant it was your birthday, and then other people go, it's your birthday, and they give me a dollar. By the end of the day, you got a stack of ones. Never did that.

I don't hate it. Well, like at the bar or at, like at school. That's cool. Okay. Huh. Pull that up. Is that a thing? You show Norman.

Norman's going to walk on stage with a cellar with a pin on a dollar. Maybe it's regional. Do you do what you used to do it at a way? weddings where you would give a dollar to dance with the bride. Whoa, give me a 20. I'll be a while. Why don't you come off to my room?

Yeah, we're just going to check the kick up. Wait, a dollar to dance with a bride? Yeah, it's like the cornered cheap. It's like that dollar dance. So the bride would be in the center. And then, you know,

your mom would give you a go, go dance with her. And you'd palm it. You'd palm her hand and slip her to dollar. I think this is called a strip club. Yeah. It's started in West Africa. Whoa.

Which it makes sense that it then got to New Orleans because there's a lot of that influence there. Yes, slavery. Yeah. Well, I regret bringing this out. All right. Well, we did it. Yeah. We got there.

I saw a guy doing crowdwork once and he goes, he goes, we got any birthdays in the house? And some guys are like, yeah, me. And he goes, happy birthday. I was like, that's all your head? You're asking for this? I thought about the call. That was his? I thought he was something killer up.

Leave it. Come on, Matt Rife. You've got to bring it. It's up to the table. All right, we got to wrap it up. Oh, shit. Sorry. Guy, you're good. What a fun one. The podcast, we might be drunk. The boys are all over the road. Sammy's got a brand new special out. You've changed over there on Amazon Prime. You have to check that out. Normie, what else you got for? Plug away. This will be out this week. Hit us on punchup live.com and, yeah, all over the road, buy tickets. Get a bottle of bodega cat. Check out our pod. We might be drunk.

At the comedy seller right now. We're all over, you know, New York, Georgia, uh, Florida. Florida, Texas, Kentucky, Kentucky, Texas, California. You go to the comedy seller now. This is their old-fashioned. I saw it down last week, yeah. Moving, like hotcakes. It's really moving. It's moving.

So keep fucking, you get a bottle on Boudicatwiskey.com. We're almost sold out. So got a new batch coming soon. We're working. It's going to be an even better batch. It's aged three years instead of two. Hell yeah. Just fucking go.

All right. You heard it here first, folks. And we're on the road like crazy. Yes. I got a Euro tour coming up. Absolutely best. Jersey, Baltimore. fucking, you know, I'm doing all over Europe, so check it out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Mark Normancom.com. Punchup. Dot live slash samarrel or samarrel. Oh, yeah. Love it. Boys, thank you so much. Kibby, what do you got for him?

Count Basie Theater, Red Bank, New Jersey, get your tickets for that. And then, uh, yes, we're so fucking stoked to be there. August 17th. August 17th. And then Route 60, the Route 66 store, we're starting in Chicago and in LA. We got a bus. We're shooting the whole thing. Get the tickets to them shows, baby.

Gang, we love you. always we love you and we'll see you next week please