Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Whitney Cummings!

Episode Date: July 28, 2022

Kippy and Foley are with the hilarious Whitney Cummings! It's a fun one. Thanks for listening. Love youse guys. Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/ Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AreYouGarbage PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage MERCH: https://www.bonfire.com/store/are-you-garbage/ MVMT: https://www.MVMT.com/Garbage Liquid IV: liquidiv.com Promo Code: Garbage Feals: feals.com/garbage Butcher Box: https://www.ButcherBox.com/AYG Code: AYG Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test. Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jean

Hachi, Machi, that middle class famous tour is in full swing, Gipperino. You ain't lyin', Fatty. It's a live comedy show. We play the little AYG with the crowd. Great way to introduce people to the show, bring the squad, come out and see us. We're comin', baby.

Yeah, gang, these tickets are selling quickly. So make sure you get your tickets. We're comin' and we're gonna be Red Bank, New Jersey, then we're goin' to Seattle, Portland, all in August, then in September, we're goin' Kansas City, Springfield, St. Louis. Then we're goin' down under Nashville, Hittin' Indy, comin' home to Philly, baby.

The chicken's gotta come home to roost. Then we're hittin' Providence, Rhode Island, up there to Beantown, get those tickets. Let's go. Welcome to another exciting edition of Are You Garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash. Now, here are your hosts, Kevin Ryan and H. Foley.

Hey, everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is Are You Garbage. The show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find that they're gonna have to be classy. They're just a beagle, piece of trash. I'm your host H. Foley comin' at ya on a beautiful day. We're down here at Antoni's basement.

She just got back from a nice three-day weekend at Central Booking. I told her you don't start shit in the parking lot of a Philly's game on a weekend because the judge don't come til Monday. My co-host is comin' at ya on a muse this week from right next to me. We're gonna fire these writers.

I'm tellin' ya right now. He is the Prince of Park Avenue, but always the king of the boardwalk, baby. Give it up for KJ, Kevin James Ryan. Hey, gang. Thanks for tuning in. As always, please make sure you rate, view, subscribe on iTunes.

Full video available on YouTube. As you know, those numbers are crooked. And then obviously the greatest website of all time, www.patreon.com slash Are You Garbage, check it the fuck out. Love that money. It's a hearty over there. How about a nice quick shout out to our producer,

extraordinaire, the magic man makes us all look good. He works the ones and twos. He crosses the T's and he dots the I's. Give it up for T-Bone McMuffin. Toby McMullin, everybody. Hey, what's up, dude? Hey, T-Bone. There he is.

Oh, we got a hot one today, baby. A star power in this motherfucker. As my aunt would say, she brought the weather with her. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. The long hair ain't lyin', folks. Not the usual bums and bozos you see walkin' in here. We got a little star power in the joint. Some royal tan here.

We couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly, and I mean incredibly special guests here with us today for the first time. She is a legendary stand-up comedian, actor, writer, director, producer, and podcaster. It's true. Of course, she is the host of the amazing podcast, Good For You.

You might have seen her in, but not limited to, sit back, put on a cup of coffee. This is gonna take a couple of minutes. What are you reading from? Woo! Is that your suicide note? This is making me nervous. It's all just letters taped together in Cosmo.

All right, gang. You've seen her in, What About Brian, the 7-10 split. Tell me you love me. OK, this is a roast. Oh, it's a roast. Oh, what are you talking about? No, we're celebrating. These are earned credits here.

Made of honor, housed at Jim Gaffigan show, the ridiculous six, undatable, workaholics, marin' unforgettable, prashing. No, these are just adjectives about me. Undatable. Adam ruins everything. How it ends, Tacoma FD, Studio 666. Good morning, entertainment tonight.

Kelly Clarkson, James Corden. 10 episodes of Wendy Williams, which she co-hosted. Jimmy Kimmel Live, six episodes of that, also co-hosted that. 10 episodes of Kelly and Ryan. Guess what? Co-hosted that. You've seen her on the view.

Self-helpless, the Tonight Show, lights out with David Spade, Conan Ellen, the Today Show, the Joe Rogan Experience, match game, Tiger Belly, Seth Meyers, Rachel Ray. Oh, hold on. Are you just reading the Epstein Manifest? This is the TV guide, if you haven't picked up on it. She's been on every goddamn show out there, folks.

Pizza gate, what the fuck? Craig Ferguson, Letterman, Chelsea Lately, 60 episodes of that, no big fucking deal. You got Jay Leno, you got the Pete Holmes show, Kill Tony, Carson Daly, your mom's house, but listen, here's the real fucking turkey right here. Now, you have the amazing film, The Female Brain, which she wrote, directed, and starred in.

Then you have her own sitcom, 38 episodes of Whitney. By the way, it also has Andrew Schultz in it, and he's trying to buy it back from me. It's really annoying. I'm like... Chelsea, we love you! Like, you had one scene, you can't buy this. Man, that's the joke of the week.

That's a good piece of business right there. But hang on. All right, we got 38 episodes of Whitney, which she co-created, co-wrote, and starred in. Then you got this little program called Two Broke Girls. Is that what this is called? 38 episodes. We do have tits.

She's two broke women. She created and starred in and produced that. She also produced and wrote on the Roseanne revival. Then you got the comedy specials. You have Money Shot, you have I Love You, I'm Your Girlfriend, Can I Touch It, and of course, the brand new special out on Netflix, right now called Jokes.

Ladies and gentlemen, she is one of the funniest, one of the hardest working, one of the most successful comedians coming around the fucking block. And we got her down here at Totys. Do me a favor, give it up for the one, the only, Whitney Cummings. Yay!

Look at that. And let me be clear, I asked to be on. Sure. Get out of here. To be very clear. This was not like you guys have been chasing me. I asked you. You were so far out of the world,

I wouldn't even know how to get to you. Like, I... I might've used Star Maps last time I was in Hollywood. Floated around the property a little bit. I was falling Star Maps. No, but I literally asked, I was doing Bird's Show, and I was like, I want to do that show. And he hooked me up, so thanks for having me.

Of course. Shout out to him. Like, we knew this day would come. That might be, we've had a lot of, you know, a lot of big timers in here. That might be the most correct. Yes, I mean, that's what. 138 episodes of Two Broke Girls.

We're talking about early 2000s networks that come. You can't walk into a hotel room, and that's not on. All right, okay. It was in color, to be fair. Let me just... This was 1944. That's what I'm saying, bozo.

You get a show on network now. We're talking when it was the real deal. It's called Two Broke Gals at the time. Two Broke Lassies. No, oh yes, I guess it was. I was like 20. Welcome back to Two Broke Broads, everybody. Holy shit.

Yeah, 2010, that's very, yeah. That was still cooking. That's fucking, that is insane. Also, I love the pandering of the Philly's St. Paddy's Day show. That's Pot Notch Dirtbag in Philly. You could play in Tootie in a movie. The early years.

You're the prequel to the current Antutti. Okay, so let me just tell you really, I am wearing a vintage Philly's shirt. That's not vintage. What do you mean vintage? Touch it, touch it. Touch it, it has leprosy, touch it. Touch that.

So there is a store in Nashville called Starstruck Vintage, and whenever I perform in Nashville, I go there and I get gifts for people to give them on my podcast, because I can't promise them the numbers. You guys can promise people. So I have to give them gifts to lure them in.

I have 200 bucks on my checkmate's house. I am proper poor. You know what you should do after this? Sue me. Now we're talking slip and fall. What do you want to do? Do you know Rob Mechelhenny? Yes, I mean, I don't know him.

It's always setting in Philadelphia. So he comes on the show and you know proper. Do we know him? Yeah, we're at his beach house. I don't fucking know him. Also, every dirtbag in Philly has like a six degrees connection to Rob. Like I got a cousin who's like,

I once punched him in a cafeteria. I'm like, all right, all right. I must not know him that well. Did you see how gingerly I said his last name? You're a Mechelhenny. Maybe that was touch and go. But so I got this for him and then I never was able to like give it to him.

Then I was like, oh my God, I'm going on. They're Philly. And then I made this stupid dumb whore mistake of being like, everyone from one place low. Like, is this good or bad? No, that's a hundred percent of a home run right now. Yeah, that's, I mean. Is this a good shirt?

That shirt was probably, that was a bar crawl that was maybe given out at a Philly's game. They were big on St. Paddy's Day. Can you see what, I mean, this is like years. Have you ever looked at a tag? The year's not on. It's not milk. It's not a car.

It's not going to say the date, but you will probably see like this company's not in business anymore because of child labor. It's definitely, it's one of the guildings or whatever it is. Yeah. It's probably from the 80s they told me that. It's aged, yeah. It's old.

Look at my face when you say that. It's aged, the shirt also. I think it's a 55. So I was like, you know what? What am I going to do with this? It's fantastic. I'm just going to wear it. Love it.

We love it. We love it. Give us. Which is a fucking garbage move. I know. Also, you rolled up in a pretty nice car, by the way. Pretty fake driver and all. Got out, opened the door.

Got out of the car. Fucking nuts. I've been in premium movers. They don't get out. They barely slow down for my family. What is that? And you tagged the car company in the store. Yes, I did.

What is that? Hit me out. Look, I am hemorrhaging money. Welcome to the closet. It shows perfect for you. Do you want to get in a NASCAR? Because that's what we're about to know. I just bought a business class trip to Europe, by the way.

I am out of money. But no, I definitely am do the pay to post thing, you know? Like, or what is it called? Sorry, paid partnership. So it's like, Audi said, if you, you know, when you're doing press in New York, we can give you a ride, but like tag us. Damn, that's fucking awesome.

So what, they just, you just get a car? Yeah, they'll just drive you around, but I have to be corny and be like, hey guys, here I am, and I have to lose my friends. And to me, I've lost all respect. Yeah, I judged you immediately. Yeah, every comedian hates me, but. Is he outside waiting for you?

Is he your guy for the whole time you're here? Just for like a couple rides tonight. Yeah, before I go to the cellar, he'll drop me off. Through two blocks away. It's like having your dad, it's like, no, can you drop me off like two blocks away so none of the comedians see me get out? What are you talking about?

You pull up right in the front, tell those fucking bozos to kick rocks. Don't watch it. Hey, watch that one. Yeah, no shit. No. You kidding me? Facts on these bullies.

Here's the thing about New York. I never really got it down. I've spent a ton of time here, but I'm not like great at New York. I don't have a great sense of direction and walking around New York is always embarrassing because I'll do the maps that'll be like, take a left here and then I'll be like at the corner.

And you gotta look up and look down. Well, I'm holding it. Yeah, you might as well have a sign. Rob me. And there's like eight people around me just like, like it's so, it's like you take a left. Yeah, like it's just embarrassing. I look like the make-a-wish kid trying to get to the.

Where's the M&M store? Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There are fun rockers near here. Let's get into the origin story of Whitney Cummings. Yes. Where are you from? DC?

I was born in Washington DC. Okay, proper. Washington DC, like Georgetown. Okay. So Georgetown, I know which sounds fancy but I wasn't an apartment, I don't want to brag. So I was, I have a couple of little weird things about my childhood in terms of like,

you know the kid that lived in an apartment? That was one. Sure. And then there were kids that lived with their aunts or an aunt or an uncle. Like the sweet life of Zach and Cody. Is that what we're talking about? Cause listen, on paper when I looked it up,

it looks pretty classy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. It looks pretty nice. Yes, that's what I hear. But good. That's what everyone says.

I've also seen it on paper. Yes. But I lived it and it stung. But fill us in. What's the scoop? So I did live, I was born in Washington DC, Sibley Hospital, but grew up in Georgetown. Basically a block south of the street

where in a few good men to me more and Tom Cruise are in the rain yelling at each other. Okay. That's Dent Place. So like near there, but I lived in like apartments right across from a place called Dumbarton Oaks which is kind of famous. Like you should get your mic up a little bit, sorry.

Oh, I thought you were going to say something to me. Sorry. This is the first time. And your mic's not on by the way. This is the first time a man has ever wanted me to be louder. So I'm just trying to adjust. Yeah. And so I grew up in Washington DC,

but spent my summers in a place called Roanoke, Virginia. Okay. I know the name. You know Roanoke, but not Roanoke Island. There was Roanoke. I think that's what I know as like the vacation spot. Well, there was one that disappeared. Remember Roanoke Island?

This feels wack. Do you know what I'm saying? You guys, I live in L.A. And it's just, yeah. It just disappeared for some time. All cities are constructs. I don't know if you know this, but there's a place called Roanoke Island, right?

When, whatever, the British first colonized and then it disappeared or something. Maybe, yeah. I know the name Roanoke. So yeah, so there's Roanoke, Virginia. So my aunts lived there. So because of custody stuff and, you know, family stuff, I lived there half the time.

And then as I got older, I went actually to high school in Roanoke, Virginia when I was like 10, 11, 12, 13. Is this still all with the aunts? Yes, living with two aunts. Who are you with in the apartment? Is that the main question? Do you say Aunt or Aunt?

I mean, I'm gonna feel like you're back. That should be one. It's Aunt, right? I say Aunt. Aunt Patty. Yeah, totally. Aunt Patty and Carol, yeah. So then I was living full-time in Roanoke, Virginia

and then I would spend my summers in West Virginia. I played called Harper's Ferry, West Virginia, where my dad managed a hotel called Hiltop House Hotel. So I was kind of equally in all three. Did you stay at the hotel? Yeah, all the time. And I'm actually, I'm actually working. It's like Schitt's Creek.

I'm working with some people right now to renovate it actually, yeah. That's all. That's a classic hotel. Well, it's also West Virginia. It's coming from there. I spent so much time being ridiculed and being made fun of that I would sort of pretend

more like I'm from DC. I have no, like you really want to distance yourself. And then I did an appearance on The James Corden Show and I made jokes about being from there and I got all this wild backlash or whatever. It's the first time I actually really ever felt bad because I hadn't been back as an adult and I went back and sure enough, there's no clean water

and it's just disgusting the way that area is treated. So I was like, what can I do? You know what they need? Five-star hotel. They need plush roads to step. You know what they need? A massage. But no, it would help bring union jobs

to the area and clean water. There you go. Look at this. The capital of industry. We'll see, we'll see. But I'm not financing and I'm just, we're trying to make a show about it and help rehabilitate Appalachia.

That's fucking awesome. That's fucking sweet. Look at that. But in the apartment in Georgetown, it was your parents and then they split up? They split up, yeah, but I was about five. So they were only like two blocks from each other when they first split up.

That my family, did my mom edit a very similar, they were way too close. It's like, you could have just stayed in the house. They had no rent. Guys, do you get older? Do you ever feel like when your parents got divorced, they might still have been in love? No, I think it was a pretty solid no on my front.

My parents stayed together and I'm pretty sure they hate each other. But I mean in a sick way, like Amber and Johnny. Like I was watching that trial and I was like, will they, won't they? Like this feels like you just want to see each other. Of course, yeah. This was so one nested series.

It's one of those things of like trying to get the attention and trying to get the attention and then it just escalated like crazy. Like I feel like I'm like, you guys get divorced and you move two blocks from it. Like there's something. Yeah, you still want to bump into each other at the fucking super market.

Just as you were coming to Dalt and you realized that a lot of people, you break up but you still kind of are obsessed with the person. I feel like- Like I know that's their favorite restaurant. Maybe I'll walk by. I'm just gonna, yeah, exactly. Maybe I'll get drunk and punch a bouncer.

Calls a scene. I had a girl break up with me one time and I knew she was the opposite that she definitely never wanted to see me again because she put all my stuff in the trash bag and had it waiting at the door. But- It didn't have that much stuff, apparently.

She folded everything very neatly and put it in the trash bag. And that's all I knew. This woman never wants to see me again. We won't be bumping into each other at the grocery store. Geez. Walk me through that. So she wanted it to look nice?

Yeah, she wanted to make sure that it was definite. So that you couldn't go- It wasn't, but this was like- It wasn't like an act of passion. It wasn't like, I want him out of here. It wasn't like you idiot. Yeah. She was like-

Zero killer ass. Like we are done. Let me put a bow on this and move it out. Yeah. That is- That's not passion. That's rational. You're working with logic at that point.

Someone with OCD, I do think there's another version of this story, but- I think she just hated my guy. Yeah. I'll probably second that. That's what it was. All right.

By the way, naming where a movie was filmed to mark the geographical location, pretty garbage. I like that. You know what? I was trying to make- Yeah. I was trying to make you like me. That's pretty garbage.

That's like the claim to fame. Like, you know, yeah. Shot a few good movies. I don't know why. I was like, there's a bunch of guys that probably like that movie. I do like the movie. Like, I don't know that I was near that Jack Nicholson.

They'll think I'm cool. Yeah. Even as a kid. There's a movie theater where they shot the blob, the original blob near where I live. And every time we drive by it, it's pretty shot. Like, their stars are still hanging out up front. I don't like James Cagney still posting up there, mom.

They shot signs in my hometown and claim to fame. We hung out on the street looking for Mel Gibson for five months. You know where he was? Bar Noir. So I would, he was at Bar Noir. So I went to college in Philadelphia when they were shooting that.

And he was at that place, Bar Noir, pretty much every night. Really? It was a cocktail for me. Oh, that's right. You did go to school in Philadelphia. All right. This is making sense. You went to, if I might-

Pretty hoity-toity, as they were called in Philadelphia. The University of Penn State. No. Here's, you can tell- Altoona campus. You can tell if someone from Penn is either cool or not based on the way they react when someone goes, oh, you went to Penn State?

If they're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'll just, I'm like, sure. Yes, fine. University of Pennsylvania. But Ivy League. Ever heard of it? But what do you do with the fact that I took extra classes and summer courses at Temple?

I'm an owl myself. Okay. Hoot, hoot, let's go. By the way- You gotta get weed. What are you gonna do? By the way, not just the center city campus on Walnut and 16, the main campus.

Wow, let's just cry Friday in the room. Ooh, all right. Went to college and did some classes with more than one- Bill Cosby. Oh, yeah. You went to the University of Pennsylvania. Come on.

Yes. Don't sugarcoat it. She's come down slummin' it with me on the weekends. By the way, went to Temple back when there was a statue of Bill Cosby out in front. I mean, he was big time when I was, he was still big time when I was there. You had that in Jell-O pudding, man.

You couldn't touch him. Oh my God, those jigglers, that's right. Wait, that was- They were awesome. Yeah, that was bad back then too. Oh, I was- Because it rehabilitated when I, like right before I got there.

Yeah, and I remember trying to go to classes down there and you would take the train and there were times you just couldn't get there. Because there would be like shootings and stuff and you just, you know, it was wild. It's a very- Ah, college. Yeah.

But, obviously you did good in school, in high school. Good grades. Yes, I did. I was a dork in high school. I worked really hard. What was the essay piece?

I mean, you work very hard in comedy too, so it makes sense. Thank you. Yes, I do. That's my favorite thing, and I'm not taking that personally, but I do love when I come off stage and people are like,

God, you really work hard. Really up there, try it. Look at you, you're such a good writer. Yeah. You're picking ass. What are you talking about? No, I'm just saying, for some reason, like I still have this like,

like thing where- Because there's the thing of like, you don't want to try, you just go and do it. Toe or just like, just like, instead of just being like, oh, you're funny people, but like, you, she really works really hard. And you're like,

but I also think that for the longest time, in the beginning, that was like really unattractive and not cool. Like people really held against me. We think that's super fucking cool. That was like, I'm cool. Like, I need to make money. Like, I can't.

This isn't just a hobby for me. Like, I have to- Of course, yeah. It's a job at the end of the day. But, sorry, what was the question? Did I work hard? S-A-T's. Oh, God.

I got- It's gotta be 14, 15, something. It's 14, but I, something, it was 14 something, but I had to redo the English because of something. And then the main ones, you know how like, if you get one bubble off,

they're all off? No. Yeah. You know? I got an eight seven, so I don't know what you're talking about. Of total? Yeah.

Welcome to the show. You wanna know what's crazy about that shit? Is that it's, they're not doing it anymore. Look at this, a 14 something and an eight 70 sitting in the same fucking room. What is that? But, no, but I also did a thing- My underwear on backwards.

The S-A-T's has nothing to do with intelligence. In fact, I think the better you do on it, probably the less creative and interesting you are, I had to go take those classes where they taught you how to take the S-A-T's. I took those classes, I went after school and then before school- With the prep courses.

638, cause I had no idea, I'm so dyslexic, like I couldn't understand the, what is it when it's like a slice, a slice of bread is to loaf as- What's that called? An analogy. An analogy. I could not fucking do those.

As legs or to jeans or whatever. I had to have all these little cheek-eyed apiece of paper. I think it gave me extra time, it was a whole thing. Yeah, because I couldn't understand how to do those. No, I meant the slice of bread thing. Is that correct? Slice of bread is-

Slice of bread is to loaf. I made up the second half of that about the jeans. It sounded real smart. Wait, that's like the main, crumb is to bread as rock is to boulder. Yes. Is that right? Yes.

I would have got that one wrong. Like- See what you got stuck up on the bread. Remember those? Yeah, I know. I would have been looking for- I would have been looking for peanut butter and jelly in one of the answers.

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That's right. Couple of those blue blocker sunglasses whenever they got over there. I'll tell you what, they started out in the tiny apartment, a couple of college dropouts, just two guys with their backs against the wall in a dream and they turned the watch business up on their heads.

Mm-hmm. How'd they do it over there? And you're probably sitting there going, they probably shipped to a couple of states. Yeah, out of here. One of 160 countries across the club. Woo! Shipping of Mars.

Get on vacation, get a new fucking movement watch. Yeah, come back heavy. Yeah, they were nice enough to send us a couple of those blue blocker glasses, my broad wears them when she's working on a computer over there, don't need cell spreadsheets. Helps the eyes, helps with the sleeve. I wear them when I'm watching my movies.

Ooh, ha-che, ha-che. I wear my watch, I have it. I'm not a big watch guy, but as you get. She's a fancy watch. My fan, I wear it out on dates with the broad. She loves it. Yeah, she does. She's slipping off the seat, she.

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If you wanna elevate your look with style that doesn't break the bank, then join movement MVMT and get 15% off today with free shipping, free returns by going to MVMT.com slash garbage. One more time, write it down, get your phone out, type it in there, MVMT.com slash garbage, do it. Yeah, totally. So they actually talked to someone who's,

my niece has to do SAT soon, they're not doing them. Really? Yeah, they're so not the way that we. It is a little archaic, yeah. It's not like a reflection of intelligence. But you did well at University of Penn. Yeah, I think so. What'd you major in?

Embarrassing, communications and film. There you go. Yeah, no. It ended up perfect. People make fun of communications, myself included, as a major, but for me, I feel like at least the school I went to was the best preparation for being a comedian because it was all criticism of other things.

It was like criticism of advertisements, criticism of television, like how advertising. Study and medium, yeah, of course. That's it, like the video games on violence. It was all that kind of stuff. I assume you're one of the most successful people to go through their film program. Have you gone back to do anything, a lecture?

Is it like a Whitney Cummings Hall or something? A Cummings Hall? I feel like that's just all the sororities. It's a real party dorm. The Whitney Cummings School Store? No, that's Delta, Delta, Delta. I did speak at the Annenberg commencement like a couple of years ago.

There you go. Yeah, I got in a lot of trouble. Here's the thing, it's fancy if I did it, but is it garbage if I got in trouble? Because I cursed a bunch. It's fucked up. I know I got in trouble. So I got asked to do it, which is impressive,

but then I got asked to get off stage as quickly as possible. Which is it? They're lighting me in the back. Show those nerds what's up. Because I was talking because there was this teacher, Dr. Carolyn Marvin, who changed my life. She taught freedom of speech.

And she used to, a First Amendment, she used to burn the American flag on campus. She used to- That's real liberal. That's commie bullshit. Toby, cut that. And she taught us the Carl and the Words You Can't Say on television.

And I sort of said, like you're such a big part of why I got in a comedy, and I said some of the words in a bunch of books. Yeah, I know. And so a bunch of the parents got mad at me. In Poteetown with a turtleneck on, going full Carlin. The park in a driveway, the park in the park. All right, okay, okay, okay.

All right, nobody I assume lives in the apartment anymore that you grew up on, right? No, my mom had a stroke and we had to sell it. Okay, what was the name of that street? Our street. Our street? You know what, it was a half. Half of what?

Do you know when apartments had addresses where a half, like 60, 40, and a half? That's the first on AYG. Is it? Jesus. A half. 60, 40, and a half, our street. 60, 30, 60, 30.

That sounds like longitude latitude. What are you talking about? That sounds like it's right off Sesame Street. That's coordinates for a bomb. Yeah, it was a half. He lives next to the count. You've never seen an apartment that's a half? No.

That'll be so A, B. Yeah. Oh, that's a New York thing. Yeah, yeah. Yikes. All right, okay, any pets growing up? Yes, there were, when I was very young, we had two cats, Buttons and Tiger.

I think they were just street cats that we fed. When you are an adult and you look back, and then lots of pet shop shit. They're with the guinea pigs. You say pet, oh. Like, yeah, guinea pigs. That's the worst smell. That half apartment stunk.

In a one-budget, yeah, no shit, in an apartment. Where are guinea pigs? I just saw something. They're on that island at this point, I guess. They're local to some country. I forget where they are. Remember, all of my friends had guinea pigs when I was a kid.

Oh, yeah, I was a pet. People realized it was fucking trash and stopped buying them. Yeah, and then, by the way, ant farms, fucking gerbils. We had gerbils. I had gerbils, too. All that. And one time we got a gerbil.

My mom killed them. It was pregnant, yeah. And then they would, we'd put them in fish tanks because we couldn't afford the crate, so you wake up in the morning and they'd just be gone. And then I just go get new ones with my allowance every day. And you'd hear in the middle of the night,

you'd hear like, they were in the walls, like they were everywhere. Then we'd get loose. Is that at your aunt's house? How'd you get in a pen? That was in DC. Yeah, that's a great question. I did get a zoology scholarship.

I'm Ryan Fellows. We also did lots of fish. Lots of... Man, that place must've stung me. Oh, dude. Lots of goldfish bowl with a, remember? I don't know. Foggy water.

Am I allowed to call them a Chinese fighting fish? Is that gonna be cancelled? Beta fish. Yeah, there we go. Beta fish. So you put those in with the goldfish, no one tells you, they fucking kill them and you wake up the next morning.

It's like a lion's cage. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I think they did tell you. What are you talking about? Everybody knows not to put two beta fish together. Okay, I had a fish fight club when I was a kid. I always wanted to do that. I always wanted to do that.

That was kind of a thing at one point. I put goldfish in with them, you know? I'm like, you know what this beta fish needs to love. Throw a gerbil in there. It just needs companion fish. It just needs, yeah, some affection, you know, some eye contact. Yeah, it just needs some goldfish.

And then, so there was a lot of that. There was definitely a fish tank, but at my dad's house in the basement that was like never cleaned, just unclear what was even in there. Sure. Once you have a fish tank, you can't really undo it. You have to wait for everything to kind of die.

Yeah, it's a lot of maintenance. So there's one fish left, so you keep for eight years. Yeah. You know, kind of things. So there was a lot of that. And just the treasure chest bubbling down at the bottom. And then in Rono, Virginia, where I lived, that was basically a farm.

So we had, you know, 10 horses. Okay. But by the way, not like an equestrian jumping. These are horses that are just out in the field. They just. It wasn't like rich people horses. Yeah, exactly. It was poor people horses.

Oh, when they broke their leg, you just shoot them in the head, like that type of situation. And then my aunt. Except the hamsters know to keep in line. See what happened to big boy, don't you? You don't want that to happen to you. And then one of my aunts,

she took in so many animals all the time. She was just like, they had this giant heart. But she would have the biggest heart and everyone knew that she would take on any animal. So they would tie animals to her tree when they would get sick or they couldn't afford the medical care. So you would wake up and there would just be

like a bass and how to go. Like, so she had 15, 16 dogs and cats. She had lawn furniture in the house cause there was like no point of cleaning. Lawn furniture in the house. That's what I was talking about. Yeah. Blankets on everything.

You know the house that is always, everything is covered in plastic and blankets. So you don't even know what the furniture actually looks like. Damn. Yikes. And then a couple of cats. And then my aunt that I, I had two aunts. They lived at the end of a gravel road next to each other.

And then one had three cats. Wait, the two aunts lived next to each other? Yeah. Like Jason probably. The property lines were touching. Was this at one time, was this at one time all? What side is that on your aunts? Your mom's or your dad's?

Dad's. So was that at one time all their property? Like did all, did the family own it? Did they have like generational wealth going back? My dad were. Like the gray gardens kind of vibe. I was going to say, big Edie and little Edie energy. No, my grandfather worked in pole and they,

no, he might have bought them the land, but they split it and it was horses and. Gotcha. Okay. That's trashy though. All right. Living next to a sibling is trashy. Yeah.

That's so funny. Yeah. That's like, I don't need to see what's out there. It's so true. Everything's right here on this driveway. You know what, I, it's the devil. You know, I know I hate you. Yeah.

You know what I mean? I know I'm going to hate my neighbor. I'm going to hate this bitch forever. I want someone I can at least slap. And I want to call the police. What was the sport situation growing up? Sure. So once I got into high,

I got very serious about basketball when I was in high school. Okay. Very serious about basketball. And if you played basketball at the places I went to high school, you also played volleyball cause that was kind of the other thing going on in the off season.

The different seasons. Gotcha. And they were. Can you take your mic up a little bit? Toby. God damn it. Are you in love with me? Like why do you need to hear my voice?

No one else wants this. Have you read YouTube comments ever about, okay. No, we stopped that a long time ago. Okay. Well, I'm trying to help you here. Trust me. So you would, you would do like lacrosse and soccer or you would do basketball and volleyball.

They were kind of just like similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. And you're tall, you know. Yes. You got a lot of jumping involved. Yeah. So I didn't love volleyball,

but I was like obsessed with basketball. Bombset, spike or. Did you think about playing basketball in college? Yes. I played AAU. Which was like. That's holy shit. That's good.

That's like sort of was like my whole life. And then I went to Europe and played with like a. What? Wait, what? With those weird fucking fowl lines going in on an angle. Kick rocks with that shit. Oh dude. NBA or nothing.

Oh, it was a nightmare. You would go, it was like one of those like pre-Olympic league kind of thing. God damn. But you go and then all of a sudden it's two 20 minute halves. Like it's a completely different. And then all. Like soccer.

You're like what? Yeah, what do you have? All of the point guards are like German and they're six four. And you're like, oh shit. You know, so that was, you know, wild. But a lot of the girls that I played with in that league and AAU went on to Yukon and Tennessee and the great. Yeah, they're really good programs.

Right, right. And now they're stuck in Russia. What are the schools that you get into? Do you remember? Or would you apply to? Oh God, I did. You know what? I didn't get into Penn.

Normally, I think that I applied. I had to call Rick Singer. I had to get Lori Loughlin's admissions guy. I can make it look like she plays volleyball. Do you like hamsters at all? I did have to pose in a canoe in front of a green screen. Documentary on Netflix. I haven't seen it yet.

It's really, it's done really well. Cause they have all of the, they have all of this guy's like footage and stuff. It's, it's wild. I want to talk to the guy. Is it true that someone like flew to Texas to take the SATs for the kid? There was a, there was a pro.

They would go in and the guy would take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How? But was no one like, dude, he was acing it. He was like a SAT prep guy and he was acing it. And he was only making like a thousand dollars a test. Well, that's fucked up.

Yeah. But, but was no one like, oh, you're 45. Well, no, what they do is like, they get, they get the extra time. He's like, tell me. They're like the wood shop teachers running those things. They don't give a shit. Yeah, but wouldn't something smell off about that?

They're probably greasing everybody. Yeah. I think he was the proctor of the test, the guy was. So then he would just, he would sit there and the guy or the kid, the boarder girl would take the test. They go, okay, great. Throw that in the fucking trash can.

And then he would just- Here, this is the result. Oh, wow. Because the coaches- Oh, my kids the fucking have that. The coaches at USC, they were getting, they were the ones getting paid, right?

Under the table. Yeah, and only one guy got caught. The new guy or the crew, crew. Water polo is a guy. Something like that. I mean- It was water sport. Loco polo?

I don't know. They catch the badminton guy. They don't touch the football polo. I was gonna say- You don't slap the hand that feeds you. The sports they don't need. But I did also hear that people were suing USC, the people that got in the quote right way.

I mean, everything is unfair. I mean, the whole thing's fucking unfair, even when you don't have someone taking tests for you. But because now having USC on your resume doesn't really mean- It's a little watered down. Yeah, they're like, we spent whatever- That's why I went to Temple University folks.

I still owe them motherfuckers cash. You might now be the biggest name there for now that Cosby- I think you get a two-five out of that place. There's gotta be a kicker in the NFL or something. You gotta be kidding me. Yeah, I wanna make the notable alum on what- Do you still play basketball now?

Can you still ball? Okay, so look, I'm no Tom Segura. Who let me, Tommy? Man, that one really got me. She's going after the big guys. I did. I do have a little half-port in my yard that I broke my shoulder six years ago.

And- Trying to dunk? Yeah, trying to dunk. Master-baiting. Checking my likes on Instagram. No, I was dating a guy who was very into snowboarding and I wanted him to think we were soulmates or some thing stupid, so I got-

I tried to protect- Shredded gnar and got her. Yeah, I went taking gnar and gnar and shattered my shoulder. Wait, do they have to come get you on the hill? Pretty cool. Oh, it was the whole thing. Like the Saint Bernard and all that shit? It's not the idea, Rod.

Don't they use that? I thought they send a dog or something to get you. You went snowboarding with a Donner party, right? Yeah. What are you, nuts? They had the big barrel of cocoa. It's not the Oregon Trout. Right?

No, they use snowmobiles, you bozo. That's pretty sweet. That's just such a funny thought. Yeah, so it was- He's never been skiing by the way, but that's his- I don't think I know what a Saint Bernard is, even. He was in Montana, a place called- Damn.

Yellowstone Club, gorgeous, amazing- You do cool, rich person skiing. You do, you do. This is the one non-broke guy I've ever dated. I bet you that snowboarder was a looker, too. A mistake. Well, an older guy, his kid was in a snowboarding, like they were just very into it.

I had never skied growing up. I think you have to have money to ski, to know how to do snow sprang. To do it right, right. Otherwise you're out there in jeans and you look like a fucking asshole. No, you're doing the pizza, pizza. I couldn't ski if you don't learn early.

And it's just, it's three grand just to fall. And you can't just show up on a fucking ski- A ski mountain in Montana. Yeah, well, I mean, it's also like, we get it, you have health insurance, like, cool. Like, I just never skied, never did any snow sports. And I did a little training session with a snowboard guy and I got it pretty quick.

Like if you- Yeah, but then when you get down there and you're on your own- The broken collarbone would say you didn't. I'll tell you what fucking gets you, dude, is you get up there and you're kind of getting it and all these little fuckers with GoPro's that are shooting their own reality show

or they're trying to get their TikToks, they're like zooming in and so it like, it really stresses you out because you have these like people that are, you know, trying to get- So you do a video, watch me hurt Whitney Cummings. So what'd you hit? How'd you break the shoulder?

So I fell forward and broke my shoulder, couldn't get up, went to the doctor- Just on the snow? On the snow. It's like concrete. Flat, on a, on like a black diamond, like down. It's like, okay. And I go to the doctor and the doctor's like,

this makes no sense. You broke your shoulder when you felt you, most people that come in with this injury have their noses broken, they have concussions. Can't hurt the moneymaker though, you know what I mean? And they were like, this doesn't make any sense how this happened. And I was like, oh, well, you know, I feel like maybe I just,

I don't know, I didn't hit my head and they're like, oh, well, you have fake tits, right? And I was like, yeah. And they're like, oh, well, you probably bounced off those. So- That didn't let your head get there. What was the doctor from the 50s? I was like, are you telling-

Was he smoking a cigarette at this point? I was like, are you guys telling me that- Were you cooking when this happened all face? What are you doing out in the kitchen? Jesus Christ. That's wild. I was like, are you guys telling me my fake tits like saved my life?

There you go. It's very rare that you would hit the snow and not. So maybe I bounced off them. How'd they get you off the mountain? Oh, so embarrassing. Cause I couldn't get up. Cause when you break your shoulder, you can't, it's like, it didn't hurt, but I just couldn't push.

You just can't use it, you know what I mean? So I guess they rolled me over and who knows, I don't really remember. I don't remember the rest of it. But then, so I couldn't really shoot or do anything. And then it was also like- Even that, did you see that? There was-

Look at this there. Yeah, she's all right. I did. There is a clip of me, as soon as I was feeling better and I moved into the house that had the half court, I was like, you know what, let's just see. Like free throws are like my thing. Let's see how many I can do in a row.

And I did post it on Instagram. I think I did do 14 in a row. I think I did get 14 in a row. Yeah, because when you get higher and higher in terms of like the competitive teams, as you know, me, you have to be good at shooting. Because you're not gonna be as fast. You're not gonna be-

Sure, sure. Did the dude go with you to the hospital and he bought stuff that kind of put a damper on the weekend, I would assume, right? It's so shreddy, shreddy, gnar. I don't, I was shred- No, he didn't wanna hear much about it. Really?

I told you, he shouldn't have brought her. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All he's thought, things are like, your right hand doesn't work. Back on Raya. All right. Oh, that's the rich person. Ooh, that is the rich person dating app.

Are you on that? No, it's the douche bag. Yeah, it's the people that say they're rich. And catfish. Why I'm on Tinder. Dating app. But no, I think in the beginning, yeah, Raya was like very exclusive.

Yeah, well, there's an invite only. Yeah, now it's like just- Now when he bozo- It's a lot of man vans and v-necks and- Kip, how about that feels CBD? Ooh, baby, the best in the biz. Let's talk about it. All I use.

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But we would stay in Dewey Beach or Bethany Beach. Shout out to Dewey Beach. Dewey Beach, baby! And Ocean City. Ocean City, Maryland. Yes, oh so shitty, Ocean City. We grew up going to Ocean City, New Jersey. And then every Philly family at some point,

got a couple of bucks together. One summer said, let's go down to Ocean City, Maryland and it stunk. Yeah, it's- It was like bizarro world. Yeah, it was kind of the same thing. But Rehoboth is okay. Dewey Beach knows exactly who they are

and it's fucking fantastic. Shout out to the starboard. I think Rehoboth's okay, as long as you don't go on any of the rides and have been vaccinated against like- Tetanus. Typhoid. Yeah, I'm not even talking COVID.

The boardwalk's concrete. That throws me off. That must be new. More of a prom and on. Yeah! You know where the Grotto's pizzas and the Dolly's taffy? Of course I do.

Grotto's pizza. But right around there, do you remember the Gravitron? Of course I do. Remember that- Made my bones on the fucking ground. I would spend- I would turn upside down. Yeah, you were the person that would get up and turn.

I remember, I was on it once because we would go on it over and over, like all day, over and over and over. And we'd go upside down and one time, did you ever have a kid puke on it? I don't know. Because the puke would go out and then come right back last time.

And then DJ's in the middle. That's when you'd take the picture. Last time I ever went on. So that was, and then also we would go to West Virginia and Roanoke, Virginia. Okay. All right.

No Disney World, anything like that? I think we did- Were you a Bush Gardens family? I was not. Shout out to Colonial Williamsburg. We definitely had a Kings Dominion trip. Okay. Is that still around?

I don't know. I think it's still around. Kings Dominion. And oh, sorry. Well, so my mom's side of the family is Texas. So my mom is from a place called Sherman, Texas. So kind of like every other summer, we would go to Sherman, Texas for a couple of weeks

and we'd go to the Six Flags over Texas. That's not bad. But that's the original, right? That's the- That is the original. That is the one that their main claim to fame is that they have the only wooden roller coaster left in the world.

And what's so, quote, fun about it is that when you're on it, it shakes. Yeah, you think you're gonna die. Psychotic. Nope. I've been on a cyclone in Coney Island. Yikes. Yeah, so those, but not a ton of those.

I never went to Disney World until I went to LA and hung out with adults. Okay. Adults are like, I wanna go to Disney World, like you're 40, yeah. Disney adults are weird people. It's wild to me. All right.

Let's get into it. What was the supermarket rolling up? Yeah, where'd you go? Safeway. Yikes. Okay. Man. Wow.

That's tough. They sell tires. In. In. They have, if you have to put safe. You do use tires. You have to put safe in your title. Yeah.

Hey, we swear to God, it's all right. Swear you're not gonna get stabbed. Just don't look at anybody. Yeah. And then. Don't wear red or blue either. You'll be fine. The lights are always blinking in those places.

I don't like them. And then in Virginia, it was Kroger Food Lion. Kroger, all right. Food Lion got a little hemmed up in the 80s, I remember. Hemmed up. Those just names are bad. Safeway Kroger and Food Lion. Mislabeling some meat.

That was a little bit older than I think I thought. You can't do that. You can't do that. You can't do that. Have you ever shopped at that crazy expensive one in LA, Erwan? Of course. Is that where you go now?

Yes. I don't go there now regularly, but I will go sometimes. It's like, it's just for people that hate money. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm sorry, go. No, it's like $13 for a juice. Are you going to the store?

Who's stock energy? Do you have somebody going or are you ordering? I do Amazon Fresh. Okay, that's cool. Am I allowed to do that? What do you mean? Yes. We want you to flex as hard as possible.

But it's also like, that's not like an exclusive club at Amazon. No, it's the biggest company in the world. No, I mean like, am I allowed to use Amazon? No, it's not like I'm afraid of people. Is that okay to say? It's not. I think people think I'm elitist.

It's more like just like using Amazon these days is like. Everyone's doing, regardless of what they say, everybody's doing it. I know, but everyone's like, oh, you're like, it is bad for the environment and you know, Jeff Bezos, but I'm the, I do go myself too all the time because I like going to grocery stores. Okay.

It's like my favorite thing. Really? So I'll go to the whole foods near my house and then I actually, my favorite grocery store is Trader Joe's. I think it has the best food. Trader Joe's is the fucking best. Also the best flowers and the best dips always.

Everything, any of their snacks that they come up with are phenomenal. They're fucking peanut butter cups. They're fucking caramel coated chocolates. The whole nine yards. Dude, the stoner elves that make their snacks. A wild, it's like salt and pepper, cheese flakes. You're like, who the fuck is coming up with this?

They're frozen pizzas. They're delicious. And by the way, their wine selection is incredible. Yeah. I know what they're doing. They used to carry something called two buck chuck that became real popular. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was a big thing. Charles something. I also like that all the people that work there seem like they're like going through something. They're writing an album. Do you know what I'm saying? Cause TJ's is like, I think they treat their employees pretty well.

Yeah, they do. I think it's like people that are not just like, last time, I think they're like going through a divorce. They're like, just their sister died and they just had to adopt four kids out of no, like they're all people that- They're all ain't about going, trying to plow and go forward. They all seem like people that are like,

you know people that work in Trader Joe. It's like sometimes like people you know, you're like, oh, hey, I haven't seen you in a while. Like it's not an embarrassing job. No, not at all. Like the guy from Fresh Prince of Smell. Oh, I thought it was Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Fresh Prince of Smell Air, I think he said.

And it was the wrong show. This girl's bonkers. It was the Cosby show. I know how to make hit shows. It was, it was- And she does. Would you not watch that? I mean, would you watch it or would you watch it?

But, so yeah, so it's like they're all, they're all kind of like adults that are actually- Yeah, it is, it is. It's more like career, like, yeah, of course. Top shelf, all right. Pretty good. Trader Joe. Let's see, have you ever tried to start the wave

at a sporting event? Can I tell you something? 100% of the time, always. Yes. I'm like a, you know, one of the Australian shepherds that need to herd. The border collies. Yeah, I, at sporting events,

like, need everyone to be on this stage. I'm like, guys, we have to do what I want to do. Like a, yes, yes, yes. Have you ever been kicked out of a sporting event? Have I ever been kicked out of a sporting event? Have I ever been kicked? No, I've been kicked out of a movie theater. Nice.

For what? For our play. Because I was with- How old are you? Two weeks ago. It was truly, it was probably a year and a half before the pandemic, maybe. You were waiting, what the fuck?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I went, a friend of mine, I had never had edibles. Oh, here we go. Now we're talking. Yeah. It was like a cookie. It was like a cookie, and we went to see Gone Girl, whenever that came out.

Oh, that'll fuck you up. To twist and turns in that. Dude, I kill her, I don't know what's happening. That movie was wild, and it wasn't just a conceit, like women are crazy, yes. That's every movie. But the casting, the casting was so wide. I mean, David Fincher, I mean,

one of the greatest filmmaker, mind hunter, genius. He can get anyone he wants to be in his movies. So his casting is so specific, and he stunts on everyone when he casts, just to fuck with you. So I had taken an edible, and everything was fine.

I'm enjoying the movie, and then all of a sudden, I see Tyler Perry in the movie. And I just don't, I'm not sure. Is this Medea? What the fuck's going on? Do you know what I'm saying? At the time, she stood on a wig off, what the fuck?

At the time, Tyler Perry being in a David Fincher drama was a little wild. Sure, it is, because he's so him. So what'd you do? He was trying to make it campy. He was trying to make it fun. He was trying to make it like, you know, and also like, introduce you.

So I punched the guy next to me. No, I just was like, because I started getting paranoid, and my friend that I was with, John, I was like, do you see Tyler Perry? And he was like, yeah, that's Tyler Perry, right? He didn't really know Tyler Perry that well, so he's like, yeah, I think so.

And so I'm already like, uh-oh, you don't, and I went and I asked almost everyone in the movie theater, like, holy shit. I was like, do you see Tyler Perry? I just want to confirm that I'm not so high that I'm losing my mind, and then as soon as I felt better about the Tyler Perry thing,

then Neil Patrick Harris comes on to play the straight guy that's the rapist. And I was like, now I gotta ask. I heard it all. I was like, do you guys- Not doogie! I was, do you guys see Neil Patrick? So I was just, I wasn't me,

I was just trying to corroborate with everyone. So you ruined the movie for everybody that was in there. They were just like, ma'am, you can come back. Like, to the next showing, when can you please- You're too high to sit here. He was like, in LA- Hey lady, come back when you can handle your edibles, right? In LA, now that weed is legal,

it's a pretty common thing, but yeah, so I was asked to leave. Jeez. Fuck, that's reliable. Will you sneak snacks into a movie theater, or will you buy them there? I like to buy them there. Nice.

I like to buy them there. The popcorn, you can only buy there. Sure. You get a soda there, what's your go-to soda? Yeah, I'm just, if they don't have diet, Dr. Pepper, I will bring my own. Wow. Shout out, I had a diet, Dr. Pepper, today.

There is nothing. There is nothing like an ice cold, Dr. Pepper. Can I, do you know- I like this gal. Dr. Pepper is flavored after? You know what it's supposed to taste like? Wait, I do know this, fuck. Correct me if I'm wrong.

It's something specific, I just don't know. I believe it's fig, fig or dates, but I think it's figs. Yes, it's something along those lines. Is that weird to think? That's what they were going for. I like a figure of date on my cheese board. A figure of date, dude, when I was in college, I almost exclusively ate dried figs.

Nice, figs are all right. In Philly, they have the wheels of figs. Have you ever seen those in the supermarkets? They have them everywhere, but okay. They shouldn't have a safe way of food lying. The first time you made it to a major city, you're like, oh, you shit. They have the walla, you fucking trash.

They don't have the Kroger south. Okay, yeah, so, yeah, so diet, Dr. Pepper, I'm also a diet, sun-kissed person. Whoa, okay. So sometimes I'll bring a couple drinks. Diet, sun-kissed, is a dirtbag drink, though. Sun-kisses, all right, what were the lunch situations going to school when you were a kid?

Sure, so what would you do? My mom worked at Bloomingdale's, and so she would bring home the bags. So it would say little brown bag. Yup, that's like the richest shit to me. Little brown bag, medium brown bag, big, big brown bag. Yes, which if you shopped at Bloomingdale's, it was richest shit.

If you worked there and just stole the bags. If you got some old meatloaf in there. Yeah, exactly, so I would go to school with these. Oh, the corn on the cob, you're like, what the fuck? It feels like a poker's in it. How you guys doing? Things are good on the farm. I had a kill of horse this morning.

I would bring it. Anybody see my guinea pigs? I remember my lunches. When I lived in Roanoke, we had, every day of the week was a different fast food restaurant. So that was like Monday. Wait, at school? At school, Roanoke Catholic School.

When I was 39, when I was 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, it was Monday, was Pizza Hut, Tuesday Taco Bell, Wednesday's Checkers Burger. They would bring it in? Oh yeah, you would order in the morning and then you would get it for lunch. What? Wild.

I know. Looking back, that's crazy. I want to go to school there now. I don't, they must. They got two years of eligibility left though. They must. That's a football team down there. Must have changed it.

I mean, they must. That's insane. That's not, there's no way they're doing that. They fed kids fast food every single day. Every day. That's fucking awesome. It's crazy to think about that now. And then when I was bringing bag lunch to school,

all I really remember, there were a lot of lunchables. That was a big, big there. I know. What? Trash. Yeah, but like. Sure, I get it. It's, I mean, as a kid, for a kid, it's a dream.

Yes, yes, and so, but I do remember a lot of, like a bagel that just wrapped in saran wrap. Do you know what I mean? You would buy or you would take. I guess my mom would make, there was just like a bagel wrapped in saran wrap with like cream cheese. Like I remember that was like, because you know, you would go to, you, everyone would pull out their lunch

and it was basically just a parenting competition. Like you would like open your lunch. My mom, bless her. She would put, sometimes she would have like, she had friends over, she was very like social. There would just be like a steamed artichoke. Like no one like, like one. And a receipt for a scarf.

Just two oysters. Cause she would do the events at Bloomingdale. So she would bring home whatever was left over. So sometimes it might. Three day old deviled eggs and shit. It's like that. It was just like a, like a thing of breed cheese. Like what is this?

Like just a rind. Yeah. And then my dad, you know, worked at that hotel in West Virginia. So he would bring food home and big tins. Shit. Go to school with a waffle maker. Salisbury steak.

He would bring home. So I would bring. It doesn't carry well. I would bring Salisbury steak. What even is Salisbury steak? I, it's hamburger. I don't even know what it is. I can't even tell you.

Hamburger with gravy on it. Breaded steak or whatever it was. And then he. Chicken fried steak. Chicken fried steak. Okay. Oh. So I'd bring that in.

Classy. No. Eight year old eating chicken fried steak in West Virginia. Out of a Sephora bag. Yeah. Yeah. So. Jesus.

Riddle wrapped in a rhyme here. Man. Now we're getting somewhere. Anyone in your family have a standalone hot tub or an above ground pool? Yes. So in Texas, Sherman, Texas, my aunt Sandy had the above ground pool.

You have to get in the ladder or the whole thing. Any magicians in the family? No. Any beekeepers? No. But I am. What? This isn't good.

I got to nest the hornets. I do have so many bees where I live because I'm the last water source for like 160 acres for the bees. So I'm like. What? I know. So I like remove the queens and try to like humanely like. Like you yourself or you hire somebody?

Well, I've hired someone that helped me know how to do it. And then I'm going to. I'm going to start getting hives and like having bees. That's pretty cool. But because my friends come over with their kids and they're covered in bees. I can't. I can't do this.

They're all lurking. He's got a bee suit on. They can't even eat peanuts, much less bees. Yeah, much less go toe to toe with the queen. Exactly. So I am going to have bees soon. But how do you know that your that your property is the only source of water for 100 and how many acres?

Because that's pretty classy that you know that is. That is right. That means there's not a lot of people close to you. That's correct. Really? I'm in the end of a cul-de-sac in a place called basically Topanga Canyon, which is why I moved there. I mean, I wasn't planning on staying in it.

You have a gate in front of your house. You know what I need? I need a holler because. What's a holler? A lot of holler. So West Virginia, Virginia of hollers, which is like you're in mountain. Like I need to feel like I'm in them.

I got my like West Virginia ancestor. Do you have a gate at the house? Yes. Really? Is it like a what is like a pad or? It's like a key pad. So I'm in a there's like four houses in my in the cul-de-sac and there's a gate.

Is there a gate to get into the cul-de-sac? And then there's another gate to get into your house. Woo! That's rich guy Jim. That's my name. I knew this was going to count against me. This is good. No, but it's not so much about keeping people out

as it's keeping my pimples in. Can't let the bees get away. Don't steal my queen. I swear to God. I need the honey. You're a fucking, you're something else with. You have pimples? Yes.

How many dogs do you have? I have a lot, don't you? Which pimples are like I, so I remember Tim mentioned something about you having pimples. Yes, yes. So I've got a Great Dane staffee pit, a Ridgeback pit. Just got, yeah, I have many of them. Yana saved my life once.

Yeah, Yana stayed at my house a couple months ago. Did he get bit? Two, oh, did he or me? You. Well, yeah, I've got that finger is pretty much jacked. This finger and then this ear was bitten off. Whoa. By your dogs?

Well, this was a dog that I was fostering that was, I was like rehabilitating to re-home. So I'll take dogs that were in the dog fighting morass and LA and try to rescue them. Can you see it though? Can I see it? I'm trying not to look at it. Look at you, that's classy and trashy all at the same time.

Your heart's in the right place. You have a dog bite on your ear? What the fuck? That's a first. You're an executive producer for God's sakes. You created television. It was hanging off the side of my head. I can try to find the dog.

Stick to the bees. How when will it work? Yeah, that's the only time you'd be like, hey, collect more bees. But that's very sweet that you do that. It's, I mean, look. I can trust you to dog myself. Yeah, oh, yeah, what kind? Pit bull.

They lied to me. They said it was a shepherd lab to the DNA test. Oh, you don't want a shepherd. The total is a big one. Well, there's no such thing. That was a chihuahua you got me. OK, it's a coyote. I need some help.

OK. You got to pull it to house now? Yes. Hot tub? Yes. Stone? Around it? Yes.

Salt water, fresh water. Ozone. What the fuck is that? I had a lawn go get water from the. That's from Mars. It's half chlorine. What did I found on Mars? The only pool at Moonwater.

It's only Scientology blessed water. No, it's half salt water, half chlorine. OK, cool. Yeah, I believe that's what it's called. Or sometimes when I have these conversations, I go, my pool guy scammed me. Yeah, I don't know if that's a thing. That's not a real thing.

He saw two gates. It was like this. I can pull the wool over her eyes. It's only an extra six grand a month. Filled with died sunkas. So it's like a little bit of both because you don't want all the algae in the bullshit. Yes, I was just watching a show where they talked about that.

OK, nice. Clancy. Nice, nice, nice. What's the garage situation at the house now? The garage I have converted into a gym. OK. And put dog crates in it. Nice.

How many cars could it be? Two car garage, three car garage, or four? The garage is a four car garage. Damn. You have a refrigerator in there? Yes. You got so many snacks. But I put the refrigerator in there.

That's cool. When I bought the house, there was no refrigerator in the garage, which was I found disgusting and classless. OK. And the trash. So in Texas, in Virginia, you see we didn't have this, but you always have a second fridge. 100% for the garage fridge.

For the Bluebell ice cream, for the meat, for leftovers. The beers, whatever. Dr. Pepper's the soda. It's like the drink fridge and the leftover fridge. Yeah, you have like four cakes from people's weddings to eat at your first anniversary that you never got to. Which we've done, that was one of the original questions of the show, the impetus of the show.

The garage fridge. The garage fridge. And it is inherently, it's great, it's convenient, but it's inherently trashy because it was always you got a new fridge inside and go, it's a trashy mentality. Like we can't throw away this fridge. Of course. Just plug it into the garage.

Oh yeah, my family's in Texas and Virginia, even when you're done with a car, you just leave it on the front lawn. You don't throw the idea of throwing anything away. That's parts, baby. But also in Texas, it was also not the fridge that was too open. It was a square that you, it was like what animal, it's like what murderers put body parts.

You know, it's a chest fridge and it's all ice cream. OK. Shout out to the ice box. Yeah. I like it. I like it. But also fridge, garage fridge, what color? They're typically what?

The trash ones are what you guys are saying? I'm assuming you're stainless steel. You have a double open one? Mine is black whirlpool. What's whirlpool? Whirlpool. Oh, whirlpool. You don't have, you're not, you're not banging with a sub Z out there?

And no, it's just a black whirlpool and you can get ice, crushed ice and a drink from it. What are you, what are you banging with inside? You got stainless steel inside. You got a sub Z in the house. Yes. If you have a whirlpool in the house. Did you redo this joint thing right now?

Did you, did you gut it and hook it up? We did it, yeah. I've seen Instagram stories. It's a nice place. It is, it is. It's very beautiful, but I actually wanted to make it look older. So a lot of people don't maybe appreciate that.

Like it looks like an old, like I basically said I wanted to look like a rehab in Spain. Like it's very cozy, fireplaces everywhere. Like it's, but it was made less modern. Like a, like a football player or something owned it before me and it was all these like, like drippy ass, like fireplaces with the crystals that turned lime green and purple. Two, two flash, gotcha.

I kind of made it more lo-fi. You have an island in the kitchen? Yes. Nice. And what is the refrigerator? Is it a sub Z? Viking, what do you got? Viking?

I would have shit. I don't know. But it's, it's pretty good. Does it open like that? Yes. And then, we have a, you know what? It is, I covered it. So it looks like a cabinet.

It looks like a cabinet. So I don't, I know. Holy shit. That's, that is, that is luxury. I guess it was like, if I can just not see all the brands of everything or just seeing my own clutter. So the two things on the other side of the fridge, you know, that would be shelves of like pantry and has doors.

So you can just, instead of having to clean it, you can just close two doors. I like it. And it's gone. Are any of the bookcases doors? Yeah. Do you have any like trap doors where you're like, pull this fucking candle stick?

Yeah. You got a panic room or anything? Every room I'm in is a panic room. I don't have that. I don't have that, but I did once look at a house in LA that did and I was like, this is where the kids get fucked. Yeah. I remember being like, I cannot buy this house.

I don't, I don't need to have secret places in my own home. Like who, like that sketchy to me. But I did, they did tell me to get a panic room and it was going to cost all this money. And I was like, that bill makes me panic. So I'm fine. Sure. Okay.

All right. Any fish tanks in the house now? No, but I really want one. Have you held a turtle in the last 365 days? Yes. Why? Also, by the way, the fish tank is kind of a stupid story. Y'all know Byron Allen?

Of course. Yeah. So Byron, you know, remember that comics on Leesh where everyone was sitting around and doing, you know, and there was a shark in the back. There was a shark tank in the back. There was a tank with just one shark. And he stopped shooting the show,

but he has these giant studio. And I saw the shark in there one day and I asked people. I was like, what's up with the shark? Like, I just asked him right in person. And I was like, does he need someone to like take it? Like, I would. Can't it stop the shark? You have a shark?

No, it was like, it was in Byron Allen's like old studio and I was there for something else. And I was like, does he, and then a month later or something, he texts me, because I'm like asking him. I'm like, I'm happy to take it. And he was like, just FYI, I want to keep my shark. Like there's no, it was like, I'm so. I like for you living with Byron Allen texting you,

hey, sorry, I'm keeping the shark. Yeah, what are you, Ace Ventura? Jesus Christ, man. So I really thought for a while that I was going to inherit that shark, but I was talking to the wrong. It's not an inheritance shark, all right? It's not like a real game at all. Kidnap, kidnap.

I know, so I would love to have fish around. What was the other one? I don't know, you just freaked me out with the steal and the shark thing, to be honest with you. Fish and turtles. The turtles, the turtles way. Why'd you have a turtle? A friend of mine, well, I, God.

Do you have any natural water in your property? No, I live in California. There's no water. Okay. Anywhere. It's all in the pools. The ozone pools. I, when the Woolsey fires happened,

I do, I work with the LAFD to do volunteer, like a quiet evacuation and stuff. So I, there were all these turtles that need to be moved, like big ones. And then I have some friends that have, a lot of people have those, because turtles are actually a great pet because they live for so long,

but you do have to put them in your will. They might outlive you. Oh yeah, they're like a hundred years old. They're incredible. It's pretty cool. I love them. You're an animal lover. Yes.

It's pretty classy. Yeah. They're rabies shot. That's not so classy. What bit you? Well. Turtle. Got me.

Byron Al. I was sleeping byron Al. That goddamn shark. No, I was in, in my house. So I have this like new puppy that has to go out all the time. Four o'clock, I open the door, the sliding glass doors.

I'm really groggy. And then my big dog goes and the puppy goes. And I instantly just hear like, like, it's dark. I can't see what's going on. I'm like, okay, coyotes are in the yard. They're always in, you know, out in LA. Coyotes.

And then I just close my eyes and just put my hands in the melee. And I felt. Of the coyote and the dog? Well, I saw that it was a raccoon. As soon as I saw it, it was a raccoon. Oh, you got bit by a raccoon? Okay.

What are we doing? Oh, be cutting. Hold on. Do we need to get tested for anything, by the way? Oh, shit. You just touched me. I'm foaming out the mouth here. So they, well, this is, by the way,

also two weeks after I was in the Hamptons with Tim Dillon and found a tick on my pussy. So I had to go on the Lyme disease medication for two weeks. So half of the reason I couldn't understand what's going on is I was nauseous from the Lyme disease shit. So I go out, I'm breaking up this fight between raccoons and the dogs.

I do feel what I believe to be a baby raccoon, just run out my leg, grab my shorts. So I felt it. I just thought it was funny and whatever. Sounds hilarious. I say, yeah, I'm like, okay, that was just a, it was just a baby raccoon, no problem, not a coyote. Everything's fine.

I do have some scratches on me, but that could be from anything. And so my dude is a veterinarian and he like lost his, lost his mind. And he was like, you have to go get a vaccine. Because the next day the coyote was in the tree outside my deck. Now do, I mean, sorry, raccoon.

How do raccoons sleep? Do you know? It's in your house apparently, I don't know. It was hanging over a branch. It looked like it was dead. So I'm like poking at it. That's a, what do you do? And then it looks at me.

So I'm hitting a little wiffle ball back. So it looks at me and it's kind of like not, I can't get it to move. It's moving really slow. I call animal control and I was like, hey, this is LA animal control for you. I was like, there's a raccoon in the tree. And she's like, yeah, that's where they live.

And I was like, okay, well, I kind of, it's acting very weird. It might have rabies. Can someone, you know, come remove it. And she goes, I'm not going to remove an animal from its home. How about, hey, it fucking jacked me in the middle of the night when I let the dogs out.

I would have opened with that. Not it's taking a nap on the front porch. Also Whitney was like, hey, next time you're in LA, stay at my house. Yeah. Get the fuck ahead of you. Absolutely not. I keep trying to get them to stay at my house. I'll stay at my place.

I was contemplating it. I'll tell you these stories. And then she had my dog suit. I'm sharing a room with a Portuguese man at war. No, thank you. And then she goes, she goes, well, it might be acting weird because in LA, a lot of people are testing their cocaine for fentanyl and if it tests positive,

they flush it down the toilet. So it might just have drank LA water and is on fentanyl. What the fuck? That's a big series of events for maybe to guess the raccoon fuck up. So you got bit by a raccoon. I scratched me. And you had, and you're.

So I'm on my third shot of the rabies shot, yes. Damn dude, that's a fucking first. At the Tarzana ER, they were like, we've never seen this. We've seen it with bats, but never with raccoons. Yeah. What the fuck's going on out there? Yeah, wild shit. I was thinking about moving out of the city.

I don't think so. No, just don't. I don't know how y'all deal with this Lyme disease shit. I don't even know what you're talking about. Lyme disease, everyone that goes to the Hamptons and is rich in Connecticut and shit, they all have Lyme disease. You think we're going to the Hamptons?

I'm a lion with New Jersey, man. Shout out to it. Shout out to Sam Pizza. I went to Temple, I'm not going to the Hamptons. I don't know, but you're cavorting with people in the city that go to the Hamptons in Connecticut. You're fighting raccoons in your backyard. What are you talking about?

I feel like everyone in, I guess, well, what's upstate? You don't go to, like, Rye? I don't know. It just seems like everyone in- You're the only person I know that's been like, you're the only person that's ever, I've been living here for 10 years, the only person who goes,

what are you doing about the Lyme disease? I have no idea. Really? And you just mentioned five of the most deadliest animals in your backyard. All this time, what were the bees doing this whole time? Not helping me. Oh my God.

I mean, I'm done. Okay. You're done. I'm good. I got all the evidence I need. Yeah, we do. Do you like banana pudding? If it comes-

None of this is gonna save you. I don't know why I'm even asking. If it comes- Give me a million dollars or maybe I'll say you're classy. If it comes in the pre-things, like the little ones that are attached, like, remember six puddings are attached?

Sure, snack packs. Snack packs. Okay. I don't like banana pudding homemade in some bowl with someone brings to the party with bananas around the side. I don't want to be a part of your Etsy page. I was thinking more of a classy bakery

that would have them, not the fucking hunt snack pack. Snack pack, dude. Which is where your mind goes. Which means- The fudge, those are great. Did you, what did you do for ice cream growing up? Did you ever do the, remember the ice cream- What didn't I do?

I remember the American flag ice creams. It would be red, white, and blue. And then there was one that was banana and chocolate. No. Yes, you do. American flag ice cream. Oh my God. We had vanilla chocolate, strawberry, never banana.

The firecracker? The- Oh! The pop stick. Oh, fuck yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a square and then it went square and then it kind of got small and then- Yeah, a firecracker.

Is that what it was called? They did have banana in it, that's right. They had a banana chocolate one that was my shit. I love fucking banana ice cream. God damn it. And it fucked up my life because my mom used to tell me that when the ice cream truck played music,

that meant it was out. That's a common thing. Just real quick, just a couple of things I'd like to know. Do you pee in the shower? No. Really? But not, it's gotta be a rough day, yeah. Do you brush your teeth in the shower?

No. How many times a week do you floss? God, that is like water too. Okay, that's fine. It's bad, that's bad. Do you have a cup in your bathroom on the sink? Like that you would- For toothpaste, sorry, for toothbrush.

Not that you drink out of. No. Do you bring a glass of water to bed with you when you go to sleep? It's like a bottle, it's like a plastic one. You bring a bottle of water with you? Yes, yes, yes. All right, how many pillows do you use when you sleep?

One and a half. So one behind your head? And then there's this thing called- Coyote took care. There's something called a sleep crown that I use that I put over my head. The fuck is a sleep crown? I don't know, but she's crazy.

Yeah, I love it. I wanna feel like a queen when I'm sleeping. It's like- Give me my crown. It's a thing that you just put over and it makes your face cold. It's like muffly. Yeah, and it muffles the sound.

Gotcha, I got you. That's awesome. And I take it on the road with me. Do you use your phone as an alarm clock in the morning? Do you have an alarm clock in your room? Phone is an alarm clock. Okay, all right. What's your Uber rating?

Oh, shit, I got dank bad. I don't know, I should check. Of course you did. I had one- They didn't let you travel with bees. I had no- Is it okay if my queen comes with me? I need to transport the queen.

Step on it. You guys do squirrels? What's the deal? Let's squirrels sit in the front seat. Is it weird that I always ask if I can drive? That's fucking awesome. Oh, that's fucking awesome. I would have to check.

Hold on, hold on. Because I had one situation with an Uber driver that was a, it was UberX. And this was before masks and everything. And I guess UberX is kind of just people that are going about their day. And she did stop on two personal- Aaron's?

I just had a guy stop for gas the other day. It was wild. Two errands. I just gotta have dinner real quick. Literally pulled over to get out and get something. I feel like I was being pretty cool about it. And then I asked her. I was like, just curious, like, how long, like,

will I ever get? You getting a full order in the grocery store? Yeah. Is this 10 items or less? What's it do? So do you have an appointment at the dot ER? Or are we just waiting? Like, did you do it?

Let me know. I got to change. Yeah, at the Apple Store, like, did you schedule ahead of time? And then she was, she got really defensive with me. And she was like, just so you know, like, UberX, like, this is people that are like going about their day. Like, this isn't UberXL or Uber Black. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, but I think we were, yeah. That's not real. And then I asked her. Yeah, I don't think that is real. And then she was like, I thought it was more leg room. She was like, if you have a problem, you can just get out. And I was like, OK, maybe I should. So she, like, got off the freeway and, like, dropped me off.

Oh, what a dickhead. I know. It was just, like, a weird thing. And I'm sure she was shitting back. How do I find my account? Oh, god, if this is bad. Oh, my god, I thought it said one third. I was like, oh, god.

There. Oh, no. I'll edit account. Edit Uber rating? Yes, please. Your credit card number. Rating rate. Shit, activity.

I don't know. Home. Oh, right here, account. Uh-oh. Rating. Well, go to my pro. 4.61. That's not that good.

That's not good. That's not good. It's out of five? Yeah, but that's still, yeah, that means. That's bad, huh? Just as a preliminary. And where I live, there's bad Wi-Fi right at the gate. And every time I go out, the Uber's like,

I've been driving around. There's no Wi-Fi. Yeah, they hate you. And they hate me. And then there's no Wi-Fi. And then I'll always tell them, like, oh, there's no Wi-Fi here. So if you just keep going and take a right, and then I'm telling them how to drive,

but otherwise they're going to have no Wi-Fi. So I was going to say a word that I think I'm not allowed to say on here. You have a car yourself, right? Yes. How many cars do you have? One. Just one car? One, yeah.

OK. Tesla? No, Range Rover. Ooh, that's what I want to get. Is the house you have in Cali the only house that you own? Or do you have other properties? She's a fucking hotel, Bozo. Well, I don't own that.

But yes, it's just that not, I mean, someone else is paying for it all. But I have. She's a mover and shaker this one. I did have a Tesla. I didn't, I had it for a long time. I had Teslas for a long time, and then I just, I couldn't anymore. Because you really have to be OK with everything after four o'clock.

Just not getting there. OK. You know what I mean? Because like, if you're in traffic, if you have AC on, if you have GPF. Sure. Like, you can think you have 200 miles, and then if you have AC and make two phone calls, you're at 20 miles. Like, it's up next to me.

So that thing's fucking, I know that thing's fucking. So you're having a car with night and weekends on it. I don't, that's it. Like, the Tesla. I'm at a minute, man. I can't make it. Tesla is rich people's second car. You know what I mean?

It's not a, I don't think it's like a, like it can fart and dance, but it can't like get you to your destination. So yeah, I have a Range Rover, which I love. OK. But I do want to get a truck. It is black. You got to go black, right? Vacation house anywhere, anything like that?

Just the one house out there. What's a vacation look like for you now? What do you do? You just got, you just shot the special. It's released like. Melphi Coast, Santorini. What are you doing? Yeah, I, oh, I, this is.

You're not going to believe me, but I, I have not been on a vacation in a while because I, I like just staying home and not because we tour so much. It's like, I don't want to have to go be in a hotel, you know? And I did try to do a vacation to Hamptons because Tim Dillon was there. I was doing a show there. I was like, let me stay a couple of days. I don't understand why that's. Stay at the house with Timmy D.

You get your own place. I had my brother in law has a place there. Nice. Okay. And we were actually pretty close to each other. Okay. But it was not relaxing in the slightest. You got ticks all over you.

Yeah. And you have to go to like, it's like all the homes, they're like $200 million gingerbread houses. They're not fancy. It's not fancy. That's the thing about the Hamptons, Tim, is schools. It's like, you don't flash the money. Why are we pretending?

Yeah. That's what really rich people do. They want to pretend. They want, that's them slumming it. Why do I feel like I'm in a shitty like theater production of The Crucible? Like, why can't we just have like, I have to go to a fruit stand to get, to pick up from two peaches and all of the, all the restaurants and, and shit where you get your food are run by like trust fund kids that they're only doing that job

because they're rich ass parents are like making them like learn the value. So they're like, like, they don't, they know they have a trust fund. Like the whole thing was very stressful. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Also, there's no Wi-Fi in the trap. Like I'm like, this, I don't get it.

Um, but. Come down to Wild Wood New Jersey. Yeah. Shout out to Wild Wood New Jersey. You can stay at our place anytime. And then I did, uh, my niece was in town for La Crosse tournament. So I did go to Baltimore for a couple of days. Okay.

We went to the ESP, not ESPN zone, David Buster's. Nice. All right. It was pretty fun. Now we're talking. Yeah. I mean, through and through. It's something else.

You know what? I did go to Big Sur, which is like Northern California. It's like on the cliffs, really, really beautiful. Like, uh, right. What'd you break out there? What'd I? Broke my hip. Dolphin had a rescue.

Also, by the way, below 4.7 is a bad Uber rating. So, you stink. Do you think that one time? I had that too with a mask fucking jacked me up. No, but it's a couple of times. It jams you up. It's got to be a couple. Mine's not good.

Can I say something else? Every time I get into an Uber in, hmm, where was I just? Where was I just? I guess in LA, it says mask required, right? And you'd have to check, like, oh, I'm wearing a mask. Yeah. Well, they do that here, but nobody's wearing the mask. I would say then you get in, the driver doesn't have a mask on,

and then you're like, oh, is it cool if I? And they're like, oh, yeah, you don't. Do I get dinged for that? Sometimes they do. They want to be a dickhead. They do. We were on the road somewhere and we didn't put mask on. Whatever he did.

I don't know. He wasn't wearing one either. Yeah. And so back when I got back to New York, in order to confirm the Uber, in order to confirm the driver, I had to take a picture, I had to take a selfie of myself and send it to the driver of me wearing a mask. Crazy.

That's a sex thing. Yeah. That was that and nothing to do with coming in. Also, one thing we always ask everybody, if you're going to a wedding, right, you're going to a friend's wedding. White dress, long white dress. And I kissed the groom first.

Pretty much knocked out. What's the envelope looking like? What are you giving as a gift? Cash wise. Oh, I usually do the registry. OK. OK. I do, I try to do double the, I know my girl,

it depends if it's my guy friend or my girlfriend. It depends. Andrew Schultz. Andrew Schultz. I, what I did for them was, I don't think I did anything from the registry because it was all by the time I got to it, it was like a little, yeah, his whole registry was just his own specials.

It was weird. Shout out to Schultz, his special. We love Schultz. I'm going to see him tomorrow. But I did, I actually got his wife, a makeup artist for the day. Classy, moo, pretty classy. You know, because. Clown makeup butts.

I know it was, it was Blackface. It was Justin Trudeau's Blackface guy. And then I got her some like funny books, like about marriage from like the 50s or something. Like I like. Very cool. That's cool. I like vintage books about, about that kind of shit.

Classy. I know, she does walk in both worlds. She has bees. All right. Shut up. She's trash. She fostered a dog and then sent it out to the world with a taste for human blood.

I know. He may or may not have been bit by a raccoon. She's on a, she's apparently on a rabies shot. It looks like. Fucked up. Jesus Christ. The one that actually, the one that bit my ear off, that was, I afterwards took him to get an aggression test.

And it turns out he's not. Yeah, I got news for you. He got a 1400. He's going to Penn next fall. Holy shit. My God. That's it. Wrap it up.

I mean. Really quick though. Can I ask you guys this too? Just even if we're done. Did you ever have, when you would go into the, your refrigerator at home, when you would see a country crock like butter thing? Did not know what was in there.

Could have been gravy, meatballs. Yeah, it could be meatballs. Pimento cheese, like Philadelphia cream cheese thing. Like it was anyone's bet what was in there. Of course, yeah, it was all the dice. Sometimes you would get real upset because I wouldn't think and I'd have like a bagel already toasted. I'd like to pop open the butter and it was, you know.

Just corn. Do y'all remember Royal Cola? Of course. Arsie Cola. I saw a taste for it. Love it. I, by the way, recently had a fresca. Oh.

Why did that go away? I don't know. I feel like Arsie Cola could come back though because so many, it's like, it would be, I feel like it would be cool again because so like our generation grew up on it. So it would be like a, you know, a novelty by a little bit. Fresca started to regain some heat in the early 2000s

when people started using it as a mixer. People, I just had to vodka in the fresca. That's delicious. They started really going with it. That sounds delicious. Yeah. They were kind of the precursor to like the light claws and all that bullshit now.

Well, yeah, because, but also remember, because in West Virginia, Roanoke, there was a, and it kind of hasn't gone away because I went back to West Virginia recently. They're still on that Mountain Dew shit. Love it. Of course. There's new Mountain Dews.

There's like, just saw that. There's a, yeah, there's a couple of them. Cherry and all sorts of like, they're not, they haven't gone anywhere. Code red, you got the blue. They got stronger. They also started getting into the hearts, the, the, the, they have hardened Mountain Dew too

with booze in it. Really? Yeah, they just came out with that. Yeah. Now we're talking. Yeah, now we're talking booze. And then there was Jolt. Jolt Cola.

The twice the, it was like, you know, twice the caffeine. It's like drinking eight cups of coffee. Like, was that made like illegal? Cause I think for local was taken off. Well, that was because the cafe, they had to re-engineer. No, re-engineer the whatever was in for local

cause it was fucking people up. It was the caffeine. Start doing weird shit. It was like, it was like similar to when fucking rocket, rocket Red Bulls dropped. That was a game changer. Right, right. That was my go to.

The stimulants and the fucking booze. Did you ever as a, you know, whatever, teen preteen ever see the same band more than once? Oh. Yeah. Steve Miller band would come to the man music center like nine times a year. It felt like, but we never went in.

We would just hang out in the parking lot. It isn't funny to go think back to like, now that you're performers going like, oh, Steve Miller was at that casino near me. He had probably a bad divorce. I had. Yeah. You start thinking the venues.

No one loves touring that like as an adult, you're like, oh, that guy didn't pay his taxes. Like he had to do that. Like he was in a jam. That was a paycheck for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's tough. There's no other reason for him to come nine times.

Yeah. No, never that. The first concert I did go to was Meatloaf though, when I was like nine. Whoa. Shout out to the loaf. My mom took it. My mom took the family to see Meatloaf.

What was your first concert? My first concert was not one that I picked, but it was Duran Duran. That's not bad. I was like, my dad was going and surprised me. And I loved it. But I didn't quite know who they were yet. But that made me obsessed with them.

Paula Abdul was big for me. That's nice. She was hot back then. She was hot as shit back then. And then later, once I actually understood whatever, I definitely followed Dave Matthews to a couple's. Oh. Ouch.

Bink, bink, bink, bink. Man, yes. When you hear that, though, when you, like, what? How old were you? 11. 11? Yeah, 11, 12. And you're in the parking lot to the DMBs?

Yeah, it was that. It's a nitrous tent. It'd be crackling. See, but in Virginia, Dave Matthews fans were fucking nerds. Like, they were maybe stone. They were like people that, like, fish was in Europe. You know what I mean? So they would have.

But I definitely hooting, I don't know, hooting the blowfish. Dave Matthews, like, they toured together for a while. I definitely, like, went to see them. To South Carolina with my, like, white braided bracelet or something. You ever go on vacation and come back with braids, like, down in Jamaica or anything like that? I see what you're doing, and I'm not going to let you do it.

I know how to not get canceled. But actually, no. I had Adam Pally, a hilarious actor on my podcast the other day, and he was talking about how he did that movie Dirty Grandpa or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The producers, like, made him be in full cornrows. And he's, like, every time he, like, had a drug situation,

they used that photo. He's, like, they used this photo. Like, it wasn't my idea. I didn't mean like that. I meant a couple of braids. Oh, I thought you meant, like, cornrows. No. Yeah, no.

Like, with the beads, you know what I mean? Like, every, you know. I didn't think you would down there turn into 80s. Every girl that goes away on spring break. Yeah, no. Comes back with, like, two and, like, you know. No, my ADD is too bad. I can never, like, sit through.

Toe ring? You ever rock a toe ring? Yes. OK. Anklets, toe ring, the whole, yes. How many tats you got? Because I see a safety pin. I have a cup two that are white.

This is an anchor upside down. Wait, what? That's white. That's nothing. Do you see that? Oh, no, I have, that's from your table. But do you see it's written? I love you right there in white.

Oh. Kind of see it. That was my way of going, like, let me see if I'm just being. You look invisible, ink type stuff. Well, let me see if I'm, like, being a basic bitch and just, like, want a tattoo. Let me just, like, do this. And if I like it enough, we'll go graduate.

Let's get air under a black light stack. Oh, that's trash. Treasure map or something. And then I have two other ones. A safety pin in my horse's name. OK. You decorate the house for Christmas. I feel like I'm really throwing a.

It's a lot. It's a lot. Is this what you expected? Uh, no. No, not quite. Uh-uh. I thought I would, when you came in. I thought you were going to be a little class.

She's going to be super classy. But you do have elements of that. OK. However. But it's, like, funny. It's like you come here in the nice car with the chauffeur, but you're doing it for paid promotion. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know. You're currently under rabies treatment. That's a fair statement. It's a first. That's a proper first. And I waited. I will go wait at the ER. It's not a doctor.

It's the ER. Damn. I literally, like. Do you decorate the house for Christmas? Like a psycho. Like a woman who lost two children at the lake. On Christmas. On Christmas at the lake.

Colored lights or white lights? Oh, colored all the way. But, but, but, but. Wait, no, I'm sorry. No, no, no, no. White, white, white, white, white. Never colored lights. Ever, ever, ever.

OK. So, these growing up, we had the ones that were colored and there was a glass light and there was liquid in it that would bubble up. Do you remember those? They would, they would. But they were so good. Got lava lamps at Christmas?

That's exactly like mini lava lamps. I don't do colored lights, white lights, but the whole rest of the tree is chaos. It's only so I can make the whole rest of the tree. You do tinsel? No. Real tree or fake tree? Real tree.

OK, good. But there is a fake tree. There is a fake tree that I just bought that I'm so excited about. Where'd you buy it? Online? It's a website called Bradford Exchange. So, right now, it's July.

And I've bought my Christmas tree for next year. So, you're going fake this year? Well, once I see how big this is, I'll know. I'm not on your Wi-Fi, but you'll see in a second. This is what I'm going to have this year. I'm very excited about it. Cool. Not that expensive, though, either.

This is, it's, yeah. You do the four easy installments. I don't understand why I can't. I don't know why. You don't do anything like that, do you? Installments. Do you have any installments going on right now? Sometimes I see that a firm on the bottom.

You're like, Lorna or whatever. Yeah, like, I. They got to be killing it, man. They're on every fucking website. No, if I can't pay all up front, I probably shouldn't buy it. What kind of credit card are you banging with? I do.

OK, I can't really show this to you. But it's a tree with a bunch of wolves. All the ornaments are just wolves. Do you see that? Yeah, that's so good. Why don't you put down the backyard to keep the actual wolves away? My tree, I go very big.

I have a tree decorating party. It's a whole thing. I never celebrated Christmas for a long time because it was, you know, just not fun growing up when you have a lot of divorce. I gotcha. Your Christmas, you go to nine different houses in one day.

It's not fun. I understand. So I'm trying to bring. It's a new thing for me to decorate hard. OK. I like it. Yeah. That's pretty classy.

Yeah, but I do. She has a wolf Christmas tree. I know. It's like, hey, I love Christmas. I get in the spirit and there was like 15 wolves on that thing. But also I love astrology. You decorate the house for Halloween. Actually kill a guy in the living room.

Actually, no. I did it one time when I lived in a place in LA called Studio City. I was so it was the first time I was like a homeowner. I got all this candy. I tried to undo all the wrong things that were done to me as a child as a candy giver, like no fucking apples, no toothbrushes, none of that shit.

I got like paydays and all the good heavy. No almond joy, none of that mounds shit. Like I killed it with the candy. I dressed up as a superwoman and not one child came to that. Not one, because in LA there's lots of hills and they just none of the so whatever. Everyone already thinks I like drink baby blood. But I would I open the door and I'd be like, hey, guys,

I have candy. I'm like chasing children down the street being like, I've got good candy. And no one dressed as Wonder Woman. It would totally. It was just not a good. Tough luck. Yeah.

The homeless problem has gotten out of control. We're going to get out of here. But the fact that you think a payday is a good candy bar just fucking sealed your coffin, my friends. Kick rat payday. Yeah, totally nuts. There's no chocolate. Totally nuts for a payday.

Oh, well, Babe Ruth's are all have chocolate on top. Same thing with chocolate on top. Taking kick rocks too, that old bozo. Get out of here. What's your favorite candy bar? Snickers. Yeah, I'm a gentleman. Snickers, Kit Kat, Twix, Peppermint Paddy, Milky Way.

I like Snickers as a Dairy Queen. I rescind an Oreo Dairy Queen. No, the Blendons. The Blendons. The Blendons. Blizzards. Yeah, you've had Dairy Queen recently? Yeah, two weeks ago in Baltimore.

And you're pretty awesome. But Snickers, I would do that for that. I feel I'm like a Kit Kat. I feel like Kit Kat. You're like a three musketeers? Yes. Actually, growing up, that was like kind of, that to me, I thought was like the luxury candy bar.

No, is that bad? It's not good. But by the way, what is inside a three musketeers? Exactly. Nothing. Styrofoam. A bunch of bullshit. Same shit they make yoga mats out of.

They claim Nougat, buddy. Yeah, it's like a Subway Sandwich. Subway Sandwich, Brad. I've been drooling the whole show. I'm sorry. You remember Mr. Goodbar? There's a lot of candy bars that are gone. Mr. Goodbar, you still get in the Hershey's Mini Pack.

The Little Jones. That's the only place that Mr. Goodbar was good. A regular flat Mr. Goodbar. I don't think I've ever had one. Really? I also went to a friend's house the other day. And I was a crunch man growing up. Ooh, shout out.

Oh, that's a great call. Like England does that. Like arrow bars, like crunch. A lot of their English candy is all right. Trader Joe's has a little English candy section, arrow bars. They're kind of like the same. Lion bars aren't too shabby. I have to put a set of eyes on them.

Remember Whatchamacallits? Of course I do. Caramelos. I love the Caramelos. Rollos. Rollos, that's number. I feel like Rollos is number one. Are they still banging?

Are they still around? Yeah, they're still floating right there. They must be. They're out there. But as long as they don't pee in the center. They're not doing the big festivals anymore. Especially stuff. What's your Girl Scout cookie?

Oh, Samoas. OK, great. Obviously in the thinnets. Great. Yeah. Great. Samoas were god damn. If someone says shortbread, I just can't.

But I do like a shortbread cook. Yeah, but I don't want to be married to it. But the nut one, they took away. And now they have a gluten-free one now. And the nut one is gone. What is this? We're all coming out. I know.

It's tragic. Hell yeah. Wow. Well, I think from that, we're going to reverse everything and say that you're classy. Absolutely not. No, it's a fucking tragic. Gutter, gutter.

I'll not forget she has a green Philly shirt on. Gutter bitch. Gang, the new special entitled jokes is out on Netflix right now. Yes. So do yourselves a favor, check it out, Whitney. Anything else you want the folks out there to know? I hope this, I don't know if this is going to count against me,

but I do not talk about trans people in the special. I don't know if that's OK or cancel culture. I meant the website or tour dates. Oh, sorry. I don't know. Yeah, winniecommies.org. Check her out, guys. You're fucking amazing.

This was so much fun. Thank you for having me. Thank you for coming. I'll come back any time you're in New York. This is truly the ultimate dream that doing press we get to just hang out with our friends. This was fucking silly. What's better than that?

It's crazy. Bit by a raccoon at four in the morning. Kip, what do you got for him? Guys, check out us. We're all over the road. New cities, shows are selling out. Get your fucking tickets. We love you.

We'll see you next week. Peace.