Are You Garbage? Comedy Podcast - Working with a Black Eye w/ Kippy and Foley

Episode Date: August 16, 2021

AYG Comedy podcast is back with a hot one answering garbage questions from patreon! Thanks for for listening to the Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast. Appreciate the support. Love youse guys!    MERCH: https://areyougarbage.bigcartel.com/   Live Shows: https://linktr.ee/AYGLiveShows   PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/AreYouGarbage     Subscribe on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/are-you-garbage-comedy-podcast/id1499140700 Follow Kevin: https://www.instagram.com/kevinryancomedy/ Follow Foley: https://www.instagram.com/foleygrams/   Comedians H. Foley and Kevin Ryan are self proclaimed GARBAGE. Each week a new stand up comedian gets put to the test.   Steal shampoo from hotels? Own a George Foreman Grill? Ever worn JNCO Jeans?  

Holy boncos kids look out the keep it moving tour is adding new dates We're coming to a city near you Come and see us some stand-up and we play a YG at the end of the show with the crowd We answer your garbage questions. We've got some trash so far, but I know I know There's deeper garbage out there around the country. Oh, yeah, so come on out and see us kippy Tell them what they need to know new Brunswick, New Jersey august 25th down the maters Timonium, Maryland, Magoobies august 26th couple of crabs, and we're going to Tejas, baby August September 21st will be in San Antonio, Texas September 22nd will be in Houston, Texas

September 23rd through the 25th Austin, Texas for the moon tower comedy festival And I ain't done yet august 26th will be at Fort Dallas, Fort Worth, Texas Then we're bringing it back to Long Island, baby In all uh, September 30th, and then we're coming home the boys are cut the chickens are coming home to ruse, baby October 27th, we're going to be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and then back down to Tejas Uh, November 5th through the 7th for skankfest south get those tickets the link will be in the description Welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage? The show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash

Now here are your hosts kevin ryan and h foley Hey Everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's favorite new podcast. This is our you garbage It's a little show we sit down with your favorite comedians and we find out they grew up to be classy Yeah, they're just a big old piece of trash I'm your host age fully coming at you on a beautiful day We're down here at antoody's basement. Yeah, she's upstairs. Uh-huh cough, ache fever sweat She's telling me she's got the the delta v

But I think she's just junked out not gonna lie. She's more of a spirit kind of girl too. Yeah a little bit I feel that my coos is coming at you from across the table Through the e-brake on that thing it's a family epis I got my point across Yeah, very she's on the Abu Ghat's the junk. I ride with me. I can't keep her off this She's going through my sock drawer at night looking for uh the dildo I told her top drawer I keep it on me if you know, I keep it in the freezer. I like it cold Oh your Reese's cup, you know what I mean

My coos is coming at you from across the table. So that means it is a family episode We've circled the wagons yet again. We want to come together. We want a greek group recharge refocus. That's what we do here He's uh becoming a bit of an international businessman I gotta go. I gotta go secure more funding this week to a degree. He's off to a business trip to europe Yeah, i'm in charge. So what am I am I in charge when you're gone? Literally. No, I you're not no What about the gas kits at the house? Get me up there fully listen Uh, yeah, no, you have nothing enjoy the vacation. Thank you. You still have to edit kevin james ryan everybody

Hey gang happy to be tough break hippie You drew this George solvus. I'll call you when I get down to shore bozo. Make sure you're all right Send you a pizza or something. What's up gang happy to be here as always Please make sure you write you subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube and as you know those numbers are What? iced Just say fully still though There you go, and then patreon.com you sign up there. You get a bunch of fucking

I mean like I we might have the best in the man. I don't want to say it. I don't want to go toe to toe It's a good time over there. You're getting a lot of you're getting a lot of product I mean, yeah, we do a bonus episode a yg every week We do a bonus episode of hard feelings every week and then we do a monthly live stream with uh with the top tier page There's a good fucking time. Check that out and also a live show baby. We're on a road come hang out with the Come see us. It's gonna be a good time. Yeah, right? Yeah, we're having fun. We're having a fucking blast. It's a good summer. We love you guys mixing it up with everybody And we also love our incredibly talented producer

He's been thinking for the last 45 seconds how to burn me. Let's get to him He's a recent transplant from the chicago scene. We got him in a three-way trade with uh I lost a washing machine in this thing I Can't see a dog we had to give up T-bone McMuffin Toby McMullen. What's up dudes. What's up T-bone key West kippy? They're gonna hate you in russia Yeah, you can't be wearing those fucking shirts over there. This is where they're from What Europe yeah, Hawaiian shirts are from Europe. This is Hawaiian. What is it?

grease You're gonna get kidnapped. What do you mean? Do you think you work for the company and go over there fucking running your mouth? I've got big big sunglasses on this shirt and a briefcase Me and foley just came from a weekend away Yes, a nice weekend where we got a long like fucking chums the whole time We had a really good time out there at the wedding of the stars. Yeah, robbie, uh, balsam. Oh robbie cocaine. I'm a pretty good guy I don't think there was I didn't see anything. Ah, nothing like that going on. Yeah. It was nice Was a good time. I see it was nice two guys in nice suits dressed well

Tell me be honest. Okay. Yeah for the listener. We added a social event to attend which we've talked about Yeah, we've discussed it the first of its kind for us to go as Mature adults. Yes as somebody with a little bit of cage. This wasn't an open micro wedding. I can pay it out This cost a couple of bucks. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. There was grounds. Yes. You were on the grounds for the weekend You didn't have to leave no way. Yeah. It was a good time soup to nuts probably The best wedding I've ever been to really a hundred percent. I mean, it was multiple days Yeah, it was nice big man in the pool was pretty good gotten the pool. I was proud of myself for that Didn't I didn't pull any punches on that. I jumped, you know, took the shirt right off

I said look at world. This is me. This is what's going on. Yeah And I jumped the lifeguard harpoon. Yeah The janitor's throwing kitty litter on vomit I Trying to spear you with a mop and I did make sure to stay in the in the in total hot chicks left Yeah, I stayed covered. Yeah, and then I put my here's the fact I trick for you Put your shirt down at the other end so you when you got to get out you get out away from everybody You throw the shirt on real quick also

And also you walk with the towel while you're drying in front of you. It would do that Oh, sure. I know that move big fan of that move But also don't try to say like that's the gentleman's move that you put your stuff on the one side and get out that side No, it's not the gentleman. It's it's the fat piece of shit move But I mean, it's also the only side you could get out of of that pool. Oh, I Didn't know I was speaking in the royal I apologize because I I didn't realize I had a pool engineer

I gotta be honest those ladders were a little wonky even for me. Oh, yeah And I got out first. I'm like, there's no way you're getting out this side I had a tough time getting out of those when I was a kid That's another reason why I can't stand in ground pools because those ladders in the deep end not even a lot Do you ever see the how about the how about the kids I could pull if you had to get out with no ladder Oh, man, you're like a walrus coming on the boat That's usually our most attacks occur right there when you're getting out on the wall That's a bad was a bad look at the fact that slope thing where you couldn't get out that yeah

But I want to say you looked very you'd looked great. You dressed apart. You thought I did it nice You did it. You did it. I honestly think you did it as well as you could do sure, you know Given your given your genetic shortcomings Also, he had a nice blue suit on with a nice blue floral print But I gotta say that material if you had to come up with one word to describe the material of that shirt What would you go with because it wasn't cotton Spacey. Oh my you couldn't like you couldn't set me on fire if you wanted to do this I'm not it with it kept somebody said he looked like a wrestler in high school trying to cut weight

Because the material it was like plastic it was like Rubber was vinyl It was walking around like grandma's couch stains fault fell right off. I was like having it's like covering your suit and reynex Yeah, it had a very shower curtain vibe to it. Yeah the inside one not the cloth outside Of course. No. Yeah. No, it was nice. Well, you look good. You look good. I've never seen a suit that looked too big And too small at the same time Well, the problem with the big guys is there's a lot out front. It's a tough. That's where you get but you looked

You look pretty good. That was the first time I felt good in a suit. You were schvitzin. Oh Dude pouring take every two steps is Jesus Christ Also, there was like four different locations every time we had a movie got man. I just cooled down god damn it Hang it over by the fucking shrimp cost somebody give me some antifreeze Um, yeah, I sat right in front of the ac when we got to when we got to the the after after party Which I usually never make it to sure and I was telling um I was telling them that morning at brunch our good friends Robbie and kasey Who got married I was telling them this is the first wedding where I was I wasn't too embarrassed to go to the brunch

Oh been that guy. Oh my god. I I had to leave a family wedding, which I won't say which one protect the innocent Years ago because I had uh, you know, I had extracurricular. I had some extracurricular some nose beers Yeah, we're involved and um, I got I got my hand on that remote in the hotel room Yeah, jacked up a pretty penny on adult, uh, cinema and I I bet the room wasn't in your name room was not my Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're not in you're not a room room in the name kind of guy. Yeah. Well now I am Which is crazy. That's another thing too. Sure now. I am. I wasn't a fucking go get your own suit guy You know what I mean? Yeah shoes belt fucking nice nice suits been a couple of bucks Also fit it all myself as nuts as it is we get there or whatever sunday and he's going

I hope these pants fit you went up with a pair of pants. You hadn't tried on blind to a wedding Fucking cowboy. Jesus do talk about talking about a guy playing by his own rules What were you going to do if they didn't fit you would have called shorts fake fake the delta variant Towel in the front Fake the stroke at the rehearsal dinner. Yeah But no, I had to check out pretty much like like six in the morning Because there was uh, it was about

$350 worth of uh, Jesus couldn't find your scene. Could you big guy? Didn't find out what you were into You're a little variety in the wee hours of the night. I don't know what to tell you Man that's not fast forward but I was getting a workout Kids got the itch So it felt good to do that. Yeah was in bed one o'clock every night woke up early felt good Nice classy. Yeah. Nice conversation Was involved a little bit, you know, I got a little bit sticky a move. Yeah. Yeah, you were a good hang

We had a lot of laughs together me and you. Yeah. Yeah. It was good. It's good And even before that we had had that we had had a conversation about something and there was no fighting There was no that yes that that would have ruined the weekend a couple a couple weeks again. You're maturing. It's crazy Sure that nutritionist really did something to me. I could tell by the fucking night bankage yesterday at brunch. I was at a way We're celebrating love here is lucky. We're not laying in today. Jesus Christ. You were taking seraps to go You would not fit into those pants today Bullshit, I'll put that I'll tell you what it made me want to kind of get to a point where I could wear a suit all the time like a presidente

I've never worn a suit just in normal I don't have the body where you see me in a suit and you're like, oh, I'll be that guy works somewhere Where's it every day? It's like you see that guy like, oh, somebody died. Yeah, you know what I mean? But I felt like I could I could do it. Yeah, it was nice. Pancakes were unbelievable, by the way Food was fantastic. Food. Food was nice. Okay before we before moving any further. We gotta get down to brass tacks Let's talk envelopes. Yeah, this is how we're gonna do this so that neither one of you can lie And we's only other one count of three. You both say what you put in the envelope. Okay, same time So we'll go three two one go. All right

So on go three two one go and then we say yes, okay, right three two one go I did three I did six. There's no way you did six. I just wanted to make sure I wanted to do six All right, hold on in foleyville. I did six. Oh foleyville. I gave me eight grand and they carried me out on a fucking Yeah on the chair. Uh-huh. Also, hold on before I forget there was uh, wait, how much did you do three? Yeah, yeah, I I went on record as four three crisp one. But that was a joke. That was for comedic purposes You said three I said four. I mean, what am I gonna do? I'm shooting the show here. You know what I mean? True Uh, I did three. I mean, that's the gentleman's move. Plus we were up there for a while. You know what I mean?

It was nice Would you leave would you leave for the cleaning? That was what I wanted to ask as well Okay, ten piece and I did some cleaning myself. Nice. I did a 20 piece because I stole the air freshener I had the air conditioner I had a little r2d. I had one of them little johns next to my bed Well r2d2 john goes out the window not too shabby not gonna lie. Oh the two. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was all right Yeah, it was all right. You were staying in a shack. I was staying in a tool shed Yeah, I had a nice piece of property. You had a nice piece of property. I had a wrap around porch

I had company the first night. We were all hanging out a couple of bernie's kippy kink correct with a couple of beers Everybody got down. He'd know I'm over on a deck kippy. You got a deck. Yeah kippy got a day I wasn't talking to it. It wasn't talking to people come up to me. Say, do you have a deck? I'd be like, no, it's kippy Yeah, I heard you have an amazing place. I'm like, no, it's kippy. It's like when people talk to me about the podcast Yeah, it's really great what those guys are doing. Yeah, they're great. I also I also I don't know what it says about our relationship because People thought me you and my wife were all staying together. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Canon's like I was fully in here I'm like, no foley's out in those foley's up. Foley's out behind the communal bathroom

I tell you what I wouldn't have minded it and and and I gotta say The bird brings an element of class to the operation. She makes us both look good. She doesn't have it her connected to the business Really makes it shine. Yeah, she could really she has a real wow factor. Yeah She was she worth the rehearsal dinner the nice nice pants and and a nice blazer like it's like a fashion Get a very yeah, she's a very like colorful colorful blazer anybody. Yeah, I'm with them Fully goes I feel like your teenage son Just just me and my wife taking foley to the pool She's handing me goldfish and apple juice

Trying to keep me going. It was a good time But one of the girl one of the very uh great things was uh me getting mistaken for the uh Yeah, there was a very large drag queen who sung at the event Right very large voluptuous. Think about just like the big busty You know big big hair a little bit of a five o'clock shadow trying to sit there and enjoy my fucking The next morning trying to enjoy my frittata like a fucking gentleman. Just drop 300 on these kids Fucking suit was five shoes belt forget it. I'm getting insulted on the way out the door the space x t-shirt That's reusable

Somebody came out to him while he was sitting there breakfast the mother of the group I was trying to keep I was trying to keep names of faces out of there. Oh, it was perfect She came up was like I what what the exact words she was talking that she was looking at canon and she was I am Him he was good like, you know, she was doing like then he was good. He's like that was you right the lady guy that was you I knew exactly what she was talking about It wasn't that far off and I figured you know said that you grew a full beard overnight Come on But also in in sure been a Sephora these days. I have this off at two sides in her in her defense

You were the only two people of that magnitude Sure after a couple of cocktails extremely talented. Yeah. Yeah, who's who? I can she could belt that a tune I could tell you that she brought the house down at the wedding Yeah, so yeah, I took it and just played along and then she left and then The table laughed at my face for what a good 15 20 minutes. It was pretty good. It was a good piece of business. Yeah What are you gonna do? I was honored Sure, sure Um, that being said anything else you want to recap or that's it. We had a good time classy weekend

We were classy together. We were a little inside baseball. However, most people know, you know, kasey's people want to yeah It was a good kind of guests on the show multiple times I got a lot of dms and comments about the suits about the dressing up about you know, they wanted to know they seen a picture Nice time. Did anybody lunch it? What do you mean anybody real embarrassed himself? No, no, that wasn't too bad No, it's kind of kind of a I don't not reserved, but it wasn't the vows were were beautiful and fun That nick z comic dj'd Best dj ever he kept it moving. It was fun. It was great

It was awesome. He's no chico in the morning, but still Who's that? I don't know. Isn't that one of the guys from Philly? I don't know Man get some confidence in that. Will you when you look at me your head? I'll laugh something. I don't know who the fuck chico in the morning. Hey, I'm not giving you chico in the morning I'm sorry. It's got to be something good behind it. If you would have done a voice That was a guy chico from philly or something like that Whatever that chico in the man that was a Cop show in the 70s. I think wasn't it chico in the man? Yes. Yes, it was with one freddy prince. I believe. Oh my god. That's right

I'm the um. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't freddy prince fan Freddie print junior too. There's a lot of voice art Whatever good kid gonna be uh guys as you know, this is a patreon episode not a patreon episode There's a family episode. We'll be going over your patreon questions. There you go. Thank you. Yes, um bozo So fully did the work got wedding cake on the brain You pulled the questions. What do you have to say? Have you ever What do you got, huh? You're making fun of me for one before one misstep in a chico joke

You ever park your car not in the driveway, huh? That's something someone messaged you to that. I'm sure because I got the same message And you bozos out there to think you're fucking smart message and both of us the same message We're talking. Yeah, people people will send me messages that they've sent to foley and then they won't Change the name it'll say hey foley. Yeah, what a big man. I'm like, ah, that ain't for me. It works on me I think it's uh, yeah, I feel special getting coming gang gang stamps dot com stamps dot com Stamps dot com. We use them. We love them. We sent out all the cards with them Absolutely fantastic. Yeah summers in full swing. You don't want to be waiting around in the post office. Nope use stamps dot com

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The hell's that have you or anyone in your family? That might be on a t-shirt coming up pretty soon that is a good Piece of business a good idea. I thought of a week ago. Yeah What is it again? Hyo aiyf have you have you or anyone in your family that could be our soda toe Soda toe or whatever the boys. Yeah, it's a mansion. Yes Um All right, let's get into some of these

This one's from murdoch and I would define this as a tough look. It's his first time Did you ever have to rent a vcr as a kid? Which our school would do that like you could rent an electronic if you needed it wait what? I thought your school would go and rent it for a class. No, you could rent from the It wasn't like a fucking blockbuster. I think like if you you could I remember at some point you could from like The library the library or something had it. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I wasn't doing it I just think it was for like people who couldn't afford it was like you could check it out at the school library so The kid could enjoy a fucking vhs or a dvd. You could go rent

I think it was for underprivileged families of like a weekend. Yeah, it was probably for like three dollars a day or something Yeah, that's a tough look. I do remember walking in a rental center once with my parents Really? Yeah, I can't remember why but it wasn't because we were killing it. I know Yeah, I remember looking for franchising opportunities It was a more if you have an application and what's the sectional cost I remember walking in there once and taking a lap around the place and we weren't just browsing We weren't killing time. They were trying to make a move what they which they eventually made I want to say it was an entertainment center that they wanted. I still I gotta be honest with you. I don't understand them

What do you mean tv at the fucking stand? What do you just make a payment towards it? Oh rent a center? I don't know how that works. Yeah, I mean, oh you're explaining entertainment centers to me. Yeah Okay, all right. Wow Jesus christ, how stupid do you think I am? You got the speakers on the side. Yeah, family pictures on the bottom I mean, I survived through the 90s. You don't think I had what you don't think you don't think big day And that a big wooden entertainment center we had with the blankets in the bottom cover. Come on That's nice movie stocked up the whole night. We had a pretty pretty shitty one downstairs that my dad put together

After several cores He was not happy about this thing this tv was sliding brutal I think when they around the time they pulled the trigger on that was when they were snooping around rent a center Keeping their options open. But what a rent a center. Would you just pay like 19 bucks and you get a tv for the month? I don't know the fucking company kippy. I don't know For dirt balls. What do you want from me? I was in there fucking looking over the contract. I don't know

Oh, that's trying to get a decent night's sleep on one of the couches You know how you know, you know rent a center is garbage. How's that when you look at their pricing? It's by week Yeah, that's what i'm saying. So what's it a week? Give me give me some numbers here. All right, this this give me a sectional I'm looking at it right now. We're climbing sofa in love seat 34.99 a week Same as cash price 16 hundo total cost to own 36. Wait, what's 16 hundy? 1600 to buy straight out. Yeah, that's what doesn't make sense. It says same as cash price 1600 But then it says total cost to own 36. I think if you go in there with a fucking stack of ghee

They give it to you for 16. That's you want to get your credit if you want to drop a debit card No, it's going to be 38 hundy. No, no, no if you want to do the monthly payments of 36 It's going to be 100 months. I think that's what it says 104 payments. So you do you do rent to own But you could give it back I think they take I think the usual thing is you stop making payments and they take it back I remember watching you think they take it back. I know they do because I was I was watching a true life about it How they're going to get in there and you get to come with the cops

There's no way rena center. Well, you don't you don't own your own house if you're renting furniture You're renting an apartment. You don't know that No one's buying a house and then renting for I wouldn't say no one Let's say in this instance you own them. I'm all right. I'm talking the vast majority of people Fine, so they go they go to the fucking management office and go this guy owes us this fucking money and they probably let him in What? Oh man or something are they fucking I don't know what I remember watching like a true life on mtv Where they came and took the guy's couches and I was like I didn't even know I was like what in the fuck

I thought rented center just sold shit with shack or whatever Then he this he was a spokesman. I think he's got his fingers and everybody's pot. Yeah big fingers. Yeah big fingers um man, um That's a tough look. Yeah 34 a month 34 a week a week What the fuck Two years two years you have your fucking what's 34. I mean it's there to make them business 34 and 34 is 68 68 How you doing? Hold on just so I understand your math. Why are you times in 34 by 34?

No 34 times two Okay, 30 30 34 plus 34 is 68 60 it's 140 bucks a month But if you put the type of person who shops at renison and they see 140 bucks a month They're going away with you show them 34 bucks a week. They were too bad too bad. I got that I mean 140 bucks a month is no no bueno. They ain't got that You might have two weeks in you on that couch Damn when they come knocking also. I mean, yeah, you can't you can't run with a couch. You know what? I mean, they know where it's at. It's never answered the door sleeping on my company couch. I mean

Yeah, true. Heck. I couldn't hear in this temporary sofa Dude, okay, so repo guys for cars like they get fucked with heavy. I get that. Can you imagine having to go into someone's house? There's no way What how about you look up? How does rena center get the furniture? I'm telling you this ain't no fucking they're not playing bad. He can't go over there It's just fucking rena center couple of bruisers baseball bats Nails in them. They're not fine. Okay. He's sleeping. These are dirty dirty people. Okay. They're getting their fucking recliner back

They definitely smash a window or something. Let them know you were here Yeah, yeah, cut the birds head off or something because I would think it'd be like amazon They just let you keep the couch. There's no money in it. They'd be giving the couches away There's no money in amazon. Just sending you another one either. Yeah, but they do How is there? I don't have what if I buy a couch off of amazon and I say, oh, it didn't make it Then they send me another whole couch. That's what they do. They don't care. They say, oh, I found the couch They say keep the couch you got I have two I got nine couches. I have two two hundred dollar trash cans in my apartment, right?

What do you think $200 of them is to who first of all that's that's what he calls you 200 Yeah, what do you think it costs them amazon? Yeah, I don't know. It's a nice trash can Fucking 18 bucks think yeah, now they got to pay a fucking guy to receive the fucking to you know To receive the trash can that you send back open it up inspect it So you're telling me so you're telling me in the future. There's no returns. I can just economy of scale I can just get two of everything. No, I didn't say so why wouldn't I every time I would or an amazon pack and say Hey, it didn't get here because I mean most people are Good honest people. I could do that with toys. I can get two of each. Yeah, there you go

Lose one in your belly button in your asshole It's gets killing over here. Yeah, what do you got? So this is from a furniture repo guy who says it's like an AMA on reddit. I found and he says well, we it's like how do you Uh, how do you repo someone's furniture and he's like well We generally go with if they open the door and can see the furniture we come in parentheses Not sure if that's legal. Yeah, but we technically cannot come in until they allow us And he said the worst thing you ever had to repossess was bunk beds that had kids and Guys don't rent your fucking furniture. You don't want to put yourself in a position where some

Some ex-con has to come wake up your kid and steal his fucking race car bed You gotta earn bunk beds. Yeah, even I know that you don't see me buying bunk beds. I would love that You can't do that man. I had bunk beds growing up. Yeah me and Danny had them. Yeah, they weren't getting Put on a tow truck in the middle of the night. No, no, but Guys stop renting your fucking furniture. Okay Oh go on facebook marketplace. Yeah, I agree with fully you have to earn bunk beds You don't just get fuck bunk beds or bunk beds are a luxury item Maybe stop drinking that five dollar coffee from starbucks every day save up

Yeah, kids are resilient and you know that they can make do they When you're a little kid, you're not really sure what's going on They don't need bunk beds. He repossessed a fridge Yeah, of course You're gonna do with his butter Hey, buddy, I'm taking a fridge Dude go to a junkyard. Go to fucking facebook marketplace Don't be putting yourself in a position where someone can come steal your shit back those children

Are either going to become the next jeff bezos or beyond are you garbage in a couple of years? Yeah, or or become dommer You don't there's no there's no straight up the middle with that When you would you're a little kid you remember was fucking the night that fucking Jimmy came in the fucking take your bed away. Yeah, you and your brothers sitting there looking at each other like idiots One time we left uh, we left we left an apartment complex or like a town. It was apartment. I would say with my dad left in the We moved Under under the moonlight and I remember being like some

I remember being like this ain't right. I was maybe about four or five And I remember looking around going I don't think you can take the cable boxes with you He's fucking this guy burning everybody all over town, huh? I read it was something was up. I don't even even as I grew up I don't remember where that apartment complex why I would go I would drive around looking for it sometimes as I got a hold of it I think it was back here. I never these kids drive around looking for their bunk. I never found that fucking place Yeah, kids remember is what I'm trying to say shacked up in a mirage

I've said this before but I remember when I realized I don't know I remember when I realized that we that we weren't wealthy is when On the right home from the hospital When you pulled into the driveway Fuck This thing's got wheels. I gotta sleep in the chiddle Hey toots do me a favor drop me off at the firehouse, will you? Leave me in a basket. I ain't growing up with you animals

Jesus have you ever heard rent to own goddamn my parents had a huge god german shepherd too With a baby god damn That's a bad look. I don't know if they got it fucking to protect me or to keep me in my room But that mother fucker way it worked It was like hogan's heroes in there I'm digging tunnels underneath my crib trying to get out of the place Fucking german shepherd standing there in attention fucking eyeballing me. I think I told you that right about the beagle we had rusty Rusty turned on me one day

And we had an he was he didn't like kids my double agent He didn't he didn't like kids my age. I have to do this to you, kevin Every time he came over we had to put him out on the leash Every time I had a friend over we had to put him out on we had to put the dog out on the leash Or the basement rolling out to welcome that I've done that get to my parents doing they're holding the dog back like it's a fucking rodeo bull And I had left for two weeks on vacation with my dad So I didn't see the dog and when I came home

I don't know if you forgot about me. They didn't like to smell on me. What he was not a fan So he attacked me at night. I got home like late at night from like the airport and uh He was like growling at me. My mom's like, oh, he'll be fine. Whatever. Just you know, let him sleep on it or something That did see broad. What the fuck? So I wake up Soon as I turned the back of the son of a bitch, I heard a bottle breaking Came out me with a half broken nitrene bottle So I wake up the next day was this it was a salt. It was like an eighth grade summer Fucking hobo dog

It was a my beans I Thanks for checking in tobs I didn't so it was the summer. So I wake up Everyone's at school or work or whatever. Everyone's at work. It's just me I haven't hemmed up like that and the dogs waiting outside my fucking bedroom door. Yeah, so I open it up I go, well, I fucking this is pretty cell phone. This is pretty everything So I ended up having a bag of pretzels in my bedroom. Shout out to rolled gold extra thin like a fat kid does

Right. I threw a couple of them into my mom's room. Did you have to break the plastic that they were in the Breaking case of emerge in case angry dogs out. So only breaking case angry dogs outside Is rusted rusty turn on you yet in case kreblins pops up on tv breaking eat and watch So I threw them nothing on that. No, it's stunk fair enough Court adjourned You may proceed how much is the fine Guilty run I plead guilty Uh racking up points on your comedy license

I cannot to turn it in suspend me for two weeks Uh, so I threw the pretzels dog chased the pretzels I ran out the front door and had to spend the rest of the day outside like a fucking jerk off Thank god I had to we had to code to the fridge So the the garage was fair game. So I had the garage door opener that fridge was stocked Cool yourself. It was nothing but ice pops and gatorades that day, baby You lost control of your house to a 12 pound dog. Yeah, the dog took it For lunch, you had a gator. He had he had a gatorade and a frozen piece of kielbasa

So ol mahi mahi steaks Um, how did we get here? I don't know but that was a good one. Uh, rent in the oh my dad moving Dad going home all the night you being poor. Oh, yeah, realizing was one german shepherd Shout out to rust shout out to mike rusty didn't last too long. Mike got porcupine in the backyard Who's your cousin? What are we talking about? No, you know my dog mike. I know I was making a joke. Jesus christ Don't you say anything about my doggy. It's sentimental steve over here. Even though he tried to murder me several times as an infant Yeah, they caught him one time. He was called a kibble They caught him one time. He was carrying me around in his mouth when I was

That's an old wives towel. No, he was. No, he wasn't shot me in his bowl You know, it's pretty garbage you guys might have missed it Did you guys have the dog food when you were a kid that if you put water in it, it would turn to gravy That was the big thing when I was a kid just feeding your dog instant mashed potatoes. I don't know what you're talking about I don't think so. You know, you know, I'm talking about my dry dog food Uh, it might have been called gravy something Not something but sure gravy bits or something. Okay, you poured gravy train. What the fuck there it is You don't remember gravy train dog food

You poured water on it and it turned into it turned into gravy. No, the dog would eat it We were like we were the hard purina and then every now and then throw some wet on that I don't know I hated those days That was when my mom was working late. Oh, dude, I used to hate feeding the dog wet food when I was a kid Beefy classic gravy train. Yeah, they still sell it They got her a renter center. I do remember that package. Yeah How about the people who gave their dog? What was it Cesar or Cesar?

That stuff you mean billionaires Or what was the one was they they served it like it was the cat food. Yeah. Yeah, fancy fees fancy fees Yeah, it was served that stuff was too expensive for even us. My mom would have been like no way It was served in a champagne glass. Yeah, it was always it was like a fluffy white cat. Yeah, I never liked those Bitch Try to make a move on her Ice cold do good for me Ain't getting any of my greenies I could pay that

Greenies, you know Yeah, big cat treats I we had we had a cat my younger brothers had a cat as we got old there and then we gave that thing catnip one time Oh, buddy, like wood stock Fucking throw on some Hell's angels show up start clearing the house I Got a big man rolling next thing you know, you got a fucking meth lab in a laundry room. Yeah that catnip. I'm fire bombing

Yeah, it's crazy man. I I didn't know what but he got he busted the ball opening got all of it and it was a fucking wrap That was christmas day. There was wrapping paper everywhere. Yeah, I said I'm betting forward for a couple weeks to dry out Thank you for laughing at that toby. I'm laughing. I'm laughing. I'm laughing. You can't you You can't keep calling me out. It makes me so uncomfortable. I appreciate it. Thanks for having my back on that piece of shit Um Striking out. Let's see here. This is from jimmy mcnulty polish guy. I didn't tell you how I knew I knew we were poor Oh, yeah, I'm sorry It went sledding one time and we had to use cardboard boxes

I think I've mentioned this in the pot. Yeah, thanks for fucking bringing us to a halt to tell something you told I don't know it's scarred me seven or eight. Oh, yeah, dude was going to walmart patty. What the fuck 10 bucks You could have got us something Now I feel sad after I masturbate Oh I was scarred as a child Can't imagine those kids in the bunk beds are up to you

It's probably one sitting over here Hey repo kid relax Oh, man Can you imagine that Get your friends over one day fucking hot new bunk beds. They come over the next week. What do you say? Well, you gotta lie. Oh, yeah, we got robbed. Yeah something my dad's in the cia Oh, yeah Something Darth Vader took it. I don't know whatever you want. Yeah, but it ain't ain't got repossessed. Yeah, that's a tough one

Look Um, did you ever eat any of the gravy train? No, I didn't toby There was no dog So you're telling me if I buy gravy train dog food on amazon and lie and say it never showed up till send me a second bag of two bags You choose I got two bags of gravy train you choose Oh

By the way, I got the face to face. Thank you from paul versey about my said gift at the at the barbeque Can I tell a story about that? Sure. Um Shout out to Just a And a compliment all around what a gentleman he is What a wise man he is too Because the story was told to me by mr. Versey himself um

Was that he was thank you very much for bestowing upon me this beautiful catchphrase of you choose you choose kippy All right, that's me folks for the listener. I'm kippy. Yep Gentlemen that he is reached out to a good friend of mr. Versey's a young man by the name of yana's pompous All right, and asked him. Hey, do you happen to know what versey likes to drink? I'm going out to the house and don't want to look like a fucking idiot and he said he sold me out He was with versey was with versey. But mr. Versey and his wisdom Did not tell yana to say anything He told yana to say he doesn't know because versey wanted to see

how kippy did He looked at you and he said You choose Yeah, I got thrown down the you choose gauntlet by mr. Versey He wanted to see how he did and he told me he showed up correct Yeah, yeah, very nice. His wife who's a fantastic unbelievable top notch Uh, she's like he's been telling everybody about that

Really? Yeah, he goes. I've been telling people. She goes. He's been telling everybody. He goes. It's been making its rounds I don't know who that means I don't know who that means. I know exactly what i'm bringing him now But he says it's going in a circle. He goes that's going around in a circle Nice. I'm going to bring him a bottle of lily trays. What? No, I'm going to make sure you're not invited. Okay? I'm on the inner circle. How much is that? How much is a bottle of lily trays? I don't know what that is Just type it in It'll come up

It's an expensive bottle of liquor It's cognac. You think he likes cognac? I don't know. Oh, this is This is Gordy It comes in like a like a steel case. This is something that a hell of a much is it though Uh, I'm looking I'm looking I'm looking how much for a bottle of that Oh More than you could afford that. So how much oh my god. Let's play a little game kippy loves called guest

It's 2,500 12 grand 12 now it's 2,500. Well kippy folded it ruined the fun 39 I'll start saving up now. I'm making sure you're not invited. I'll just show up anyway Leave it on the picnic table right away Mail it to him Classy Uh, this is a fucking home run. This is from lance. Is it garbage a good a working as an adult with a black eye?

Dude, if you're working in a cubicle with a black eye, that's fucking tough Holy shit, man. What a fucking question People do they get them somehow. I know not fighting. They just get them. You're at the coffee machine like fight club Yeah, crazy fucking pick up hockey game or something happened Take an elbow at an air mural basketball game. That is a you you're off presentations for a little while Yeah, you gotta lay low. Yeah work from home. It doesn't take of taking the pto something Yeah, you can't be you know sending a pitch and fucking, you know, the new clients With a with a black eye and a hickey on your neck. That was one of the the funny things

I visited my buddies in ireland years when we were in college and Come monday morning when you're taking the bus Everybody just has marks From the fights they got in that week not everybody but it's like you're sitting on the bus and there's three guys with like fat lips And black eyes you're like, oh man, they get after it over here These dudes are fucking partying. Oh, you know how you know of your garbage if you call a black eye a shinor shiners tough shiners tough and put a steak on it I

Didn't do that and that I saw that for the first time to from Dennis Leary in the sandlot I said, hey, listen, I don't know what kind of help what kind of fucking health insurance you got But I think the crazy thing is the only thing it does is that it's cold. Yeah, it's just cold. Yeah There's nothing to do with the enzymes in the meat. That's what I thought. No, no, no It's just cold. It's just cold. Just cold. He did that a lot back then. Uh, I think they also, uh, They had a lot of stakes. It was readily available and plus it like conforms to the face a little bit Stakes were readily available. I think like people had stakes in their freezer. Yeah This thing is like do not do this. It can cause infection. It's so bad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you get fucking steak eye

Oof Yeah, I meant that as a joke. Yeah, leave that in. Hey fat man. Slip me a 20. I can make that disappear I'll slip you a 40. It stays Like Louis Trace Um, what's what are you waiting on? I thought you were gonna tell us something. He just did. He said don't do it Oh, that was it. Oh man. I thought there was more to it I thought there was more of a definition. No, that's tough. I never only had a black eye once I got hit with a baseball bat. Metal baseball bat as a kid. Nice. Yeah

Hey, that learned you, huh? Um Who got your rusty I hear you're going on vacation. He's hitting it in his hand. Here you got a big oral report tomorrow, huh? Pretty boy. Yeah, that was a fucking dude Adult black eye Bad bad. You should probably break the other one and make it look like you had like, you know Rhinoplasty or something or put makeup on that that only goes so long

Did you ever like really dig in on a zit when you were in high school and then have to cover it up with makeup? And it looks so bad. I just would never Uh, even with this now if I get a pimple, you got to you Time is of the essence. I can't resist. I'd rip into it. I know. Yeah. I never had it usually goes wrong I never had it really really bad as a kid. Like no, I don't know if I That's why every time I got one I would destroy it because I seldom got them. I'm lucky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah So like nothing ever like fuck them up. I had yeah, I had some fucking heaters for sure Yeah, but I mean I had impantago on my face

At one time I had impantago here and I had a ringworm right here hear that ladies All american catch over here Fucking dermatologist Danny I'm talking to the pimple Yeah, yeah, um, this is another homerun. This is for mike s ever sitting a splash zone Wait, what's this? I don't know something where you're going to get wet and it's probably not at the classiest establishments

I don't think the fucking king or queen. They're sitting in the splash zone Is that like when you go to like the log flume or whatever it is It's like great adventure and you go stand on the on the on the bridge So you can get splashed when they go by that or if like at the sea world or some sort of you know Any water event you're sitting close to get wet is the idea never been a sea world. Yeah, I never would go Cause you're never invited Either way Uh, yeah, that's a fucking homer. I told you the story where they tried to get me to fucking go and I'm like that ain't happening

It ain't happening. This guy's a lot of things, but he ain't no mark. No, ain't no john. No trick. No Gotta get a pretty early in the morning to screw this guy over and believe me. I try It's a shame. I don't get up before now Um, hey 30 god damn these are you up? Well back to bed That kippy don't miss kids up with a crack of 11 30. I can't get to him Having fun Um, this one is from michelle

Which every now and then I hear a question where I go. Holy shit. Uh, that's something I hadn't thought about in a long time, right? Which happens with our get like we asked her quite we asked questions to our guests like a holy shit I never thought about that. This is one after I already knew thousands of thousands of questions Did you ever have to duck down in a car because you didn't have enough seatbelts for everybody? Geez That is a fucking deep cut that explains most of the 90s for me. Yeah, I could do one better than that I might have already discussed this

My dad drove a uh company car Or my mom drove a company car. No one was let in to put us My mom would drop us off to school every once in a while We'd have to duck down we'd have to we'd have to take the ride from the house to the school laying down. Yeah Oh, so nobody would see us. Yeah, we were a big My stepdad used to have one of those ford rangers that had those little fucking jump seats in the back And there was a lot of time where I had to hit the deck because I wasn't sitting And then I was just like sitting in the back it would be hit the deck or if there was like multiple people

We laughed it up a lot on the way home from like soccer practice like pack them in there Yeah, because my dad will be like because you know, my brother and all his friends are all played on the same team or whatever So my dad would be like, I'll just grab all the fucking six of them and then like you weren't getting pulled over for that In the 90s. No, and you certainly weren't getting a ticket for it. No, you know seatbelts even for all I remember my mom was like, you got to wear your seatbelt at least in the front seat My dad was like, ah, it was He would fake put it you sometimes they started doing they started doing the clicker ticket You'll get the checks and my dad would just pull it down as we drove by

Like at some like intersections or if you're like leaving like a parking lot They would have a copy like let me see your let me see your thing He just faked it. Hey, you know, hey dog. Good to see I always knew when he got when he got seen by a cop on the highway Because real quick you would fuck it, you know fake put his seatbelt on in case he was getting pulled over Yeah, real fast and loose. I like that It's nice. Yeah back at pickups now all that shit that I'll forget it Middle of winter backup pickups Best time of your life. Mm-hmm fresh air

Horribly Horribly irresponsible. Yeah, I remember one time there's a big storm Like if you would have gotten to an accident, we would have been flying right like straight Yeah, I mean it would have been like everybody would you would have been dead everybody? I mean, I don't know how face we're going. I don't know the schematics of this accident You've made up in your head, but it ain't good It ain't ending well I saved 12 people's lives In the accident in my head gotcha. Okay. Toby 40 bucks. That also stays in

Um, all right, uh Ever this is from Patrick Ever had a sketch artist do your portrait on the boardwalk the ones where they over exaggerate all your features The fact you didn't know what a caricature is. Oh, I just fucked it up A caricature I give that's a tough one for kippy caricature And I did and you know, I always had like a hockey stick or a baseball club or whatever You know what I mean? They're like, oh, what kind of sports do you play?

Got a huge hog in your hand chugging cock No, never got those always wanted them. Yeah patty wasn't throwing down for that. She's a great kid. We love you Best mom best mom ever but those kind of things weren't gonna flop. That was the difference. Look at your mom lady I can't make him any bigger I only brought in a half by 11. I don't know what you want me to do. You have to pay for two sheets of paper Listen, listen lady. I only brought one more guy. All right. I don't uh, this thing's halfway out of ink already If I do him, I gotta go over today

Um, my mom asked him. Can you make him a little slimmer? He's he has less skin tags than that That was a difference we would I would get that stuff the 15 to 10 to 20 dollar style Egg up or get you know, were you an old-timey photo family? That was one of the first original are you garbage questions I ever I ever asked Old the old-timey photo down on the boardwalk where you guys did black and white and you're an asshole. No, no I never did that. Oh really? I did that an old girlfriend made me do it Yeah, it's always a guy doing it for his girlfriend or wife or something. It's never fucking it's never like three of the homies doing it

All fucking in big suits and shit. That's a tough look No, I never did that I'm not a fucking it was me and her mom and her and they were both dressed like you know horse I mean they're dressed like 1920s horses. What are you doing? They were both on each shoulder. It's very confusing Listen, I made the wrong move. I'm not gonna sit here and act like I was a gentleman I thought the old lady was throwing one on me Hey, it was 18, you know what I mean? I'm sitting there. I got a tommy. God. I look good. I got the three-piece suit on the hat the loafers. I'm thinking

She got the lingo. Hey doll face. Yeah I'm seeing a chance with this old bird There you go. I don't want fake money went to my head That plastic cigar started feeling like Tony's a brown Oh It's some other fucking poor schmuck was just Good times Oh god, this one's good. Uh, that was great

Uh, this one's funny. This one's from mac guzzo Ever gotten too drunk to drive home and left your car at the bar for more than one night? You don't have to go pick it back up for another day or two because I did that friday Where oh, yeah Man, I was real social this weekend and good hanging out not too drunk. Hey doing good to see you not bad, huh? I'm becoming the fool. He always wanted Well, I figured uh, I see it's see three days of being doing normal person behaviors going straight to your head Like ricky bobby's dad

Yeah, that's exactly what you are There's a rat my cobs out I knew cobs out was gonna get what you just call me Start picking up toby for no reason Son of a bitch. Have you ever had a tab open at a bar for more than a night? My god, you're talking to fucking Kevin, I forgot to pay the bill ryan. What are you kidding me? This guy sneaks out At the back door. I've never done it intentionally. I've definitely uh,

There was there was two years up here where he left his credit card or atm card at a bar on a weekly basis This kid was boozing. I don't know why I'm taking these personal shots of me. I thought we were having a good time hanging out Believe I paid for some of those drinks you had to hang Yeah, right if memory serves if history serves me correctly I definitely have uh, well you a couple of spritzers from time to time Start attacking my character in a public forum ridiculous Also, now I'm dreading foley had three regular days in reality of now

How long of a stint we have to do in foleyville at some point? Oh, yeah, by the way, we now have an official foleyville alarm What i'm trying We don't do drops on the show, but that one's gonna stay Oh, love a good foleyville. Yes. All right, let's do one or two more and then we will Scoot on skedaddle. Wait, what was that last question the character? But the last question was the character. I think so maybe Yeah, I threw a curve ball in there with the open tab Yeah, oh no, this was leaving your car at the bar for more than one night

Then I left I left it in the city one night because I don't want to drive drunk. Yeah I did it back when I was living at home College, but it'd been like the summer or whatever like just after college Uh got drunk at this place called Tony's out there in ivyland pa shout out to it hell of a tomato pie Pretty good. We got a nice back porch. Everybody's hanging the bears. I got the flyers games I wish tomato pie was more of the filly thing than cheese steaks. I wish more people What do you get good tomato pie? No one knows tomato pie. Yeah, it's so unknown. Um, but core police is where you get it

That's the answer to your question. That means shout out to core police that being said I got all boozed up over there I get one of my say three times. Okay. Yeah, okay One with the one more time. I only told him three Uh, where was that schmorpel is? I uh, I got all boozed up at Tony's and left my car and then it was like I should have went at like 8 a.m. To get or whatever I pushed it off all day and I just left there. I'm like, that's whatever Came back. There was a classic car show going on around The mercury Montego like they had it all sectioned off and it was all classic cars

Like a hot rod convention and my car was in the middle of it If my mom pulled up she and we were already kind of fighting because I got to drive I just got home for something. You know what I mean? She's driving her fucking 22 year old fat son At the bar at five o'clock the next day to get his fucking car I'll say that's when they got the testiest is when you when you were when you were post high school You know, yeah supposed to be in college So my mom got real real short with me. Yeah dropping me off to landscape when I was 22 Oh, man. Yeah late for work make I'm making her late for work in the summer. Yeah

Pitching because she didn't make me at lunch. Uh-huh like 28 Tough look man. Yeah, so I it was like a fucking scene trying to uh Then I'm like they had to move cones and stuff for me to get out. There was a I was good thing you had that hot whip It had to be the Montego and not the lumen. It had to be the tigo tough look Yeah, tough. I try to make a joke. I'm like, yeah, it's an o five or whatever they weren't the old timers weren't having it Probably get your ass. I know they They got like the fucking, you know the p o w hats on these are all like old timers

And I'm there like today. I got like the white hat with the string on it. Yeah. Yes, sir. No, sir Yeah, and I'm like, yeah, it's an o five stuff still smelling Yeager bombs and shit. I'm like, yeah, it's an o five I was like, shut up beat a pussy. Yeah Beat a tub. Hey, your mom's waiting for you. He's shit up. Mr. That was a tough luck. Um, all right. Let's see Bada bing, bada boom, bada boom, bada boom Make it a winner Make it a winner. Come on kippy

All right, this one's from nick ever go for a drive in the car just so you could cool off in the ac I wouldn't say I've done that but now currently Getting out of the shower Getting to come to the studio. I get out of the shower Get ready. I'm sweating And that so the only salvation brutal is the car The ac however far away it is the air conditioner in my car right now

Will give you arthritis on your fingers if you were exposed to the vents for more than 15 minutes It'll make your fingers hurt on the wheel it Blast, I don't know if they've they've stepped up their game because the last my last for foray in a Automotive air conditioner was the 2005 mercantile and that stopped working about two two years ago. Sure But you used to have to put it on it would blow hot for a little while My car now this key of fourth day this 21 Just 20 21k of fourth day lights out dude

I mean, I'm not even out of the parking spot yet and that thing's blowing cold air cold cold It's like they got dry ice in the hood. I don't know what's happening. There's nothing that drives me crazier than Mild air conditioning. Oh, it's like what do we do and put the windows something Whiskey dick air conditioning is the worst thing ever A lot of ubers got that because you're in the back and they got the plastic up and you're going body Let's fucking go. I'm schvitzing over here dying. Yeah, give me a break. Will you? No good Gang, holy shit gang. This has been a family episode. It was a fun one. It was a wacky one. That was a good time, baby

Good times. We love you. Uh, you choose. What do you got for him? Follow me on all social media at kevin ryan comedy Uh, you know, as always great reviews subscribe on itunes full video available on youtube patreon.com bonus content live shows, baby Really fucking loving the live shows. It's fucking so cool to meet everybody Thank you all for the support even if you watch if you listen if you share if you're on the patreon if you do anything For us or watch the even if you enjoy the show it fucking means the world to us, honestly Yes, it does. Thank you so much. We love you guys and we'll see you next week a page