Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Amir Levine (on attachment theory)

Episode Date: March 11, 2026

Amir Levine (Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life, Attached) is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and author. Amir joins the Armchair Expert to discuss dispelling myths and misconceptions about attachment theory, how the love he has for his dog helped him to understand his relationship with his father, and the test experiments that showed how attachment styles develop in early childhood. Amir and Dax talk about why attachment is really just a radar of availability for other people, the reasons secure adult attachment is linked to our exploratory drive, and how a breakup was the catalyst that led him to co-write Attached. Amir explains the role a sense of reciprocity plays in shifting into secure attachment, the physiological and neurological responses involved as we evolve our attachments, and the beauty in appreciating the hidden sparks of talent in our loved ones. Check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds: https://www.allstate.com/Head to turbotax.com to find a store location near you and get matched with a TurboTax expert — with real-time updates in the iOS app.This episode is sponsored by AppleTV. Learn more at: https://tinyurl.com/mr2caw2cSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert, experts on expert. I'm Dan Shepard, I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Hi, we have the author of an incredibly popular book. Yes. Read by millions. Millions, indeed. His first book was Attached.

Amir Levine. He is a psychiatrist, a neuroscientist, and of course a best-selling author. And he has a new book out kind of answering as he talks about attached, outline these different attachment styles. And then people were naturally curious, can I change mine? And so his new book is to address that exact question, secure the revolutionary guide to creating a secure life. Please enjoy Dr. Amir Levine. This episode of Armchair Expert is presented by Apple TV, the new U.S. home of Formula One.

Starting March 7th, you can watch complete all-access live coverage of every Grand Prix, including practice, qualifying, and sprints all in one place. Watch every race live only on Apple TV. Hi, Manny. How are you? I'm good. Did you have a good weekend? Anything spectacular happened? Nothing spectacular, which is a good weekend.

Okay. You know, a relaxing weekend. I'm moving this week. Friday? I'm sleeping there on Friday. Oh, my God. Monica's been building a house across the street for, what, five, six years? It'll be six years.

Wow. Congratulations. Thank you. That's amazing. Thank you. It's been a long time coming, so I am very excited. So this week is a big week because there's a lot of, like, moving parts and getting this stuff over. I wonder if any of your attachment theory stuff is coming up. Oh, I hope.

I hope. I'm so obsessed with attachment theory. I'm so glad you're here because I'm obsessed with it and I don't think I really understand it. And I think a lot of people feel that way. Like, they reference attachment theory a lot, but I don't know. know if we're all doing it correctly. There's a lot of myths and misconceptions for sure. Okay, great.

Well, we're going to learn. Where are you from, Amir? Originally, I grew up in Jerusalem. Okay. Do you find this to be true that the Israelis, they tick up highest on the disagreeability category? We've had a lot experts talk about that. Oh, that Israelis disagree a lot?

Oh, yeah, it's part of our culture. Yeah, yeah. I like it. It took me time. Or Americans would consider being rude. Yeah. It's actually just normal way of speaking. Like, they go like that.

She's like, no, I don't agree with you. Right, like dismissing. So rude. No one would speak like that year. Do you know Orna? Yeah. Does she work at NYU in some capacity? I think she does.

I don't know personally, but I know her work. But you're at Columbia as a research. I am in Columbia, yeah. Well, we had her on, and I was saying to her, she has this wonderful gift of she's endlessly hopeful and empathetic. And also, and I asked her, I'm like, is this the Israeli site? You can also on a dime be like, okay, disagreeable time. Like you're very comfortable in the disagreeability. I'd say I'm high on the disagreeability.

Not only that, I think that's how I got into Columbia to do my residency there. Really? Yeah. I went to medical school in Jerusalem and they said, don't bother. They don't take foreign medical graduates. And I said, okay, I'll just go and at least I'll get to talk to all these interesting researchers. And I read about the research and some of the people I knew about the research. Because usually you go and you go to Grand Rounds, you spend a day on the wards.

And I said, no, I want to meet with the researchers. Yeah. So then I met with one guy who seemed kind of like old and very non-threatening. And I knew about his work. So I told him how much I liked his work, but I could have been improved. There's all these different shortcomings in his methodology. And I sort of went on and all. I was just like, what do I have to lose?

You had nothing to live. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And at the end of it, he said, okay, I want you to meet with a few more people. He called a few more people around. It was the Department of Epidemiology. And they all got together and wrote a letter on my behalf to the, head of the residency program. Oh, no kidding.

And that's what I got in. That's great. Oh, I love that. Well, am I right, or at least to believe from this book, that you were originally definitely definitely aiming at being a therapist of some variety. Yeah. I still am a therapist. Yes, yes.

But the original site was set up. I was going to be a psychoanalyst. That's how I basically ended up where I am today in a completely unexpected way, because back then in order to become a psychoanalyst, you had to do a year of analysis before going into analytics school? I love this. Personal analysis? Your own analysis.

Oh. Like four times a week on the couch. Talking or whatever, they sit behind you. You don't see that. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. We've had numerous.

In fact, we just had someone on who they themselves were a therapist and they got to a point in their life where they had to return to therapy. And how much there can be a resistance to that, even from therapists. Yeah. Ford said that there's always resistance. It's kind of like built into the treatment. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. working through those resistances. Yeah, so during this year of therapy, you came to realize in some free association that you really still yearn for the biological. So I was going to do potentially epidemiological research. But then during that time, I was looking for the kind of research that I wanted to do. And I got some advice and they said, you know, a researcher's life is a really hard life. A scientist's life is really hard.

So you better choose something that you're really interested in because it's going to be a rough ride. And so I looked to see what I really liked. And I've always had an affinity to basic science and to molecular research. But I didn't really pursue molecular. I didn't have a PhD. But I really liked it. And it was the analyst who said, well, maybe you should give it a try. But he didn't really know what it means.

I didn't barely know how to hold it by pet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I found this one paper that I really, really liked about long-term memory and how long-term memory is conserved and epigenetic changes in the neurons, in a pleasia, which is a C-slug. That has enormous neurons. Yes, huge neurons. And then I went, and again, I guess that theme of going and talking.

So I went and I talked to the last author on that paper, but he wasn't the one who masterminded it. So he listened to me for two minutes. That was Eric Endale. And then he basically said, let's go up a floor. And we went. That's where I met James Schwartz, Jimmy, my first mentor. I basically talked to him a little bit about my thoughts again, the same thing about the research and the ideas that I had.

Then he said, okay, we'll give you a try for three months and see how. you fare, and then we'll see what happens after that. So there I was, going into the lab, which I've never imagined that I would do behind the bench, starting all these molecular experiments. Yeah. Wow. Now, do you think you had a primary question about life in humans that you thought was going to be answered in psychoanalysis or the pursuit of it and the practice of it?

And that you saw in this epigenome work, oh, maybe the answer lies over here, or had not not even occurred to you yet. Do you think you had like a driving curiosity, like a primary question? I really did want to understand what makes human tick and I really wanted to understand the brain better. But I don't think that at the time I had a specific idea. I've always had this thirst for knowledge, which maybe will explain why I did what I did because at that time I was almost done with my residency. It's been many years going through medical school and then coming here and doing another year of internship to add to do two years or I had to repeat a year of internship. Then I did adult psychiatry and then child psychiatry all together another five years.

So after doing all that training, you were 71 years old. Seriously, you're aging backwards. And when we think, okay, it's time to make money, right? Yeah. You have to open up your private practice and start making money. And then, wait a second, I still really want to learn more and I'm going to take a salary, which maybe is like a tenth of the amount and just continue with my education and learning. But I didn't even think about it that way at the time.

Now, looking back and can see, whoa, these are important. important years where you could have saved money for retirement. It didn't occur to me at all. I just really wanted that pursuit of knowledge. That's what I did. I went into the lab and then for many, many years, I did a lot of molecular biology work. Okay, so I'll overshare with you. So I ended up doing Anthro and I really think about why I did anthropology. I think I was immediately drawn to the fact that, oh, there's a lot of different ways you can live. And I think that was comforting because I felt like with the single mom and all these other things that we didn't click so well with the culture I inherited.

And so I was quite critical of the culture I inherited. And I wanted to know, do we have any basis to think that this is the way we should do things? So I guess I'm wondering for you, can you think of any kind of primary angst? Definitely the pursuit of knowledge is a huge one. And I grew up in that environment. I had a very unusual upbringing. My mom had even more unusual upbringing, the education that you.

She received, it was very, very progressive. They didn't care about grades at all. They didn't have exams. They just would give them comments about what they did. Yeah. And so she lived in a kibbutz. So it's like a commune. So they had to work a lot also agriculturally.

They didn't live with their parents. So they wanted everyone to be equal. So they sort of separated. It's kind of crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she came from a very, very unusual upbringing. But I grew up in Jerusalem. I grew up with my parents.

But she also, she didn't believe in grades. and she didn't really care about school so much. So I could actually stay home whenever I wanted from school. And I did. I stayed home a lot and we had this huge library. And I would read a lot. It was completely uncensored. Seven, I would read the Kama Sutra.

I was trying to make sense of it. Different books that I read at the time that I could barely understand. But I just read them anyway. And especially on days when we had exams, I didn't have to go because she didn't believe in exams. It's crazy you ever went to medical school. Yeah. It was very unusual. And whenever we would come home, sort of we would read together.

It was a very rich intellectual environment. And my mom, she was the editor of the equivalent of Scientific American. Oh, no kidding. So there's also a lot of talk about science and popular science. So here's why I ended up also writing popular science and popular psychology. I really grew up with it. And by the way, I would say in probably the best motivated way possible, which is like intrinsically. It's not about getting the good grade.

It's not about getting the test right. Knowledge for betterment. Also, to think about something original, something that can make people think differently or look at things differently. Were your parents divorced? They're not divorced. Very, very long relationship. So you're asking because I didn't mention my dad yet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're asking about a motivation to understand human behavior, they're completely opposites my mom and my dad. My mom was a single child who came from an Ashkenazi European ancestry, Jewish ancestry. Yeah. My dad was a Sephardic Jew. They had 10 siblings. He came from a very poor family. And he never even finished the fifth grade. Wow. Wow. Yeah, he had horrible ADHD. He was bouncing whenever the teacher would come into the classroom. It was like you out. Get off your desk and leave the classroom. By the fifth grade, he was done with the formal education. But he was a very smart person and very, very unusual person also. Exactly the opposite of this progressive. Even high on the disagreeability scale within. Completely high on the disagreeability scale.

disagree about the only scale, like, off the chart. Can I tell you what he did once we were at the hotel? I don't remember who the president was. The president of the United States was visiting. He was there with all of his entourage and everyone's surrounding him. They're all wearing his suits and I got nervous. So I kind of like clutched onto my dad's aunt and he said, you have nothing to be afraid of.

Here, they're all humans just like you. Let me show you something. Oh, boy. And he took out a quarter and he flipped it in the air and he fell on the marble floor and he made it like this little sound and they were all looking down to see what had fell. It was like an instinct and you see you see we're all the same. Oh, I love that example. I thought he was going to do something wide like throwing. Yeah. This is a weird question but were you embarrassed by him because he was so different? We were so different. I think it took me many, many years to now

really more understand what was going on in that relationship. It was not. It was not. not an easy relationship. For many, many years, I saw it from really my point of view of, like, he was really difficult, stubborn, everything had to be done his way. So, like, the opposite of what my mom was. Like, with him, if I didn't make it to school, that was a big deal. Thankfully, he wasn't around a lot, and that's how I was able to get away with it. But if you were around, eventually he let my mom do whatever she wanted to do. But he was very, very difficult. Later on, and actually, that's part of why I even wrote this new book secure, because all of my understanding and everything that I understood about a relationship really shifted.

And I see it now from a more secure place. Because he was more an avoidant. Oh, gosh. He was definitely somewhat avoidant. And I think also somewhat fearful avoidant, sort of like a mixture of it. Now that we know a lot more about ADHD, the rigidity in the game plan, how much different that is for his experience in your moms or other people's. Definitely.

Maybe a little compassion. I have so much more compassion to him now. And then because of this whole process that I went through in understanding how to look at the world more securely. And that has helped me so much because, yes, he was difficult, but I was not easy either. And I was this smart-ass kid who was really highly educated, was reading all these books.

Belittled him. Yes. Yeah. And corrected his language and was like, do all these things. Triggered his insecurity. Yes, constantly. Yeah. Isn't it so sad that we realize this all?

Is your dad gone? My nose. He's gone. Yeah, mine too. And I'm like, I just hate that I now have all this compassion for him. Because I was the great challenger of him as well. Just like me, yes. Kids, that's almost part of their role. They are there to challenge.

It's normal. I know. But he can get vicious. I know. It can't. Trust me. I know. For me, it's just sad.

It's like, here's this man on earth that had this boy he clearly loved and I could have adored him more and that would have filled him up more. And that was on the table for me to do. And I didn't for all my many reasons. That's a bummer. It's kind of like karma gets you eventually. So now I have this little dog who's really, really cute. But he likes me, but he always growls at me.

He has a contentious relationship with me. He's you. Yes, basically. And I see how much I love this dog. And that also helped me. And again, it's those secure shifts that I've had in my understanding of myself and my life that really helped change how I see things. And so now I understand, wow, my dad really loved me.

because I see how much I love this dog, even though he's so mean to me. Right, right. And I'm like, yeah, my dad really loved me because even though I was mean to him, I know that he did, but then I had this idea, like, how did he feel about me when I was behaving towards him in that way? And now I know because I can feel it inside me. Yeah, yeah. I don't even think it's ever anger.

It's just kind of hurt. Yeah. It's just even sad. Yeah. You know, but not if he's just angry about it. Okay, so at some point in your 65 years in academia and residency and all this stuff, you yourself come across attachment theory. And you're learning about it.

So just give us as brief as possible explanation of attachment theory, which started maybe in the 50s or something. Yes. I came across adult attachment theory by chance. When you learn to become a psychiatrist, psychologist, you know about childhood attachment. But I didn't know that adult have attachment styles and that they attach.

During that time when we worked in attachment therapy with kids and their mothers, I would love it so much. So I read everything that there was about it. That's where I came across adult attachment. There's the anxious, avoidant, and secure, and fearful avoidant. And at the time, I was going through a breakup and it explained so much. Right.

It felt like a light bulb running in my head. And like, wow, now I understand what went down in this relationship, why it didn't work out, and what also happened in other relationships. And so basically, do we really need to understand about these attachment styles? Yeah. Let's start with the children. So with children, the way that he works, Balby is the founder of attachment theory. And he had this idea that wasn't prevalent at the time because Freud always thought that we attached to our mothers and fathers.

Ford blames their mother a lot. We attached to the mother because she gives us sustenance and food. And it's a byproduct of that. But then Balby, who actually worked with children because Freud didn't really work with children. No, he did Coke and sat in his room and thought. Pretty much. He actually said, no, I beg to differ. Because he saw what happens when children get all of their material needs.

met, but they were not giving the attachment that they needed. And so he said, no, attachment is a basic need, just like food and water. It's not a byproduct. It's something that we need. And then there's the Harlow experiments that show even in monkeys how much they really need. These poor little monkeys clinging to a cloth. Instead of the wired mother versus the cloth mother. The wired mother gave food and the cloth mother, it was just a piece of cloth.

Gave intimacy, basically. Yeah, but it was cold and metal, but there was just cloth and the monkeys went to the cloth. Oh, no. At the expense of food. They would eat a little bit and then sort of go to the cloth. But remember what he said, because we don't really understand it so much in adulthood. And Bobbi did say that attachment starts in birth, actually starts before, and then goes on until we die. And I would argue even after here we were talking about our fathers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, great point. Basically, he said that, but then came Mary Anzworth, who was more of an experimental psychologist. So brilliant. She discovered these attachment style, anxious, avoidant, and secure in children, in something that's called the strange situation test. Ooh, tell us. Tell us.

So the strange situation test, it's basically you bring a toddler and their caregiver into a room full of toys and you watch them through a one-way mirror. You can see it on YouTube. It's really remarkable. You bring them in. The child sees the toys. Immediately, uh, I want to play, I want to play. Start pointing at things.

They rush over, start playing. And then they ask the caregiver to leave the room. Oh. Immediately they drop what they're doing. they sort of run to the door, they stop banging on the door, crying. And then they asked the mother, the caregiver, to come back to the room.

And it's in that reunion, that moment where Mary Answorth identified the three attachments fell, the anxious avoided and secure. And it's remarkable to see it's basically how effective is that bond in regulating the child's emotion. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and it's very important, actually,

that core regulation is so important and also translates to adulthood. So I'm sort of stressing it. I'm not really making a point of it. So basically, the secure bond, the mother picks them up. And immediately, it's just like magic. They just calm down right away. And then start pointing in the toys, wanting to engage again.

Anxious, not so much. What happens? What do they do? It just takes a long time to calm them down. Sometimes they come down and then start crying again. It's called the calm-on-com paradigm. So the bond is not as effective in regulating their emotions. And the avoidant, sometimes they don't even cry.

or even they do a little bit, they stay limp in the mother's hands. Is it fair to say they're pissed at the caregiver? So you think, oh, sometimes they look like, I don't care, whatever. But when you look at their blood pressure, their pulse, it's through the roof. So they're blocking their attachment needs. But at the same time, they're alone in trying to regulate the emotions. They don't know how to utilize the bond to regulate their emotions. Right. Oh, interesting.

So it all has to do with how good are people, children, and then adults, in using others to regulate their feelings and emotions. Do we know what the contributing factors are that end up in an anxious attachment versus the avoiding attachment? Are there patterns within that parenting style that produce that outcome? That's a very good question.

And we do know a little bit. It's kind of like a wild field because apparently there's something that's called the adult attachment interview. The same attachment styles in adulthood, but they have nothing to do with the other attachment styles, the more romantic ones or in their other relationships. It has more to do how we remember our childhood.

Not so much the memories themselves, but how we narrate our childhood. There's the adult attachment interview. It gets scored by psychologists. And that can predict to some degree the attachment of the child. So how well, if you're very structured in your narration of your past,

then the child will be more secure in the strange situation test. If the parent is? Oh, wow. Yes. Yes, it's pretty wild. So if they have a pretty coherent, chronological story of their own life. That makes sense.

That's coherent, makes sense. Odds are they're going to have a more secure. Yeah, there's better chances. Again, nothing in this is like one-to-one ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. But does predict to some degree the child attachment style. And then if you're avoiding it, then if you're like, oh, my God, I have the most amazing childhood.

But then actually when you talk about the memories, there's sort of a discrepancy. Yeah, yeah. Then the child that's more avoidant and the anxious jump around from one topic to another. But I still don't really know what to make of it. Yeah, right. This is very hard. So now tell me how you're going through a breakup. You're learning about this.

Lo and behold, adults also have these attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, and secure. Only we don't play with toys like that anymore. But it has to do with our attitudes towards closeness and intimacy on the one hand. And then on the other hand, how sensitive of a radar do we have for infractions in their relationship. And what I mean from an attachment perspective is when all of a sudden we feel that the other person is not available to us

because attachment is really a radar of availability of other people. It's a safety system. People think it's such a deep thing about bonding. It really is a very rudimentary safety system. It's how we feel safe in the world. And so we survey the environment and we kind of have an idea in our mind

and you two probably also have an idea in your mind where your loved ones are, and they're okay. But if I were to tell you that, God forbid, and I even hate saying that there's something that happened somewhere, you won't be able to continue to have this conversation. You'd have to stop and immediately check to see that they're okay. So we have this surveillance system going in the back of our head all the time. People with an anxious attachment style,

their surveillance system can pick up on very subtle changes of that availability, on potential threat. But the research also shows that it's not the only thing they're very good at picking up. They're picking up on picking a lot of different social cues. There is a downside to it, but it also comes with a huge upside. Let's say if you're, and I've seen it so many times with patients and just in people in the world, like if you're better at day trading, can sort of really see subtle changes that other people won't be able to detect.

They're just very, very good at detecting. And then also one then questions, and that's what I really try to do in this book, is turn around that whole causality thing because oftentimes people blame their parents for their adult attachment style, and it's completely wrong. But think about how hard it is to raise a child that has that level of ability, really superpowers to pick up cues from the environment. It can be a little stressful for all parties involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I gave an example in the chapter, because I really was trying to look for an example that people don't understand, no, it's not only about danger. It's not only about sort of bad things. True, they can also identify danger. But in the book,

I give an example about a woman who has an adopted daughter, and she takes her to the first day of school. She starts playing with another girl there that she also finds out he's adopted. And then all of a sudden she stops and, like, I can't believe I'm seeing this. These girls are sisters. And she saw, like, in their facial expression, they weren't exactly the same, but she could sort of detect the similarities in their sort of facial structure, in the way that they smile, the way that they moved.

And she started talking to other people and said, no way. No one believes her. The odds are staggering. Right. Exactly. But she kept at it. And long behold, they actually are sisters. Wow. And what did she do with that information?

These two sisters are bonded. She found her daughter or her sister. I think it's years later and they're as close as ever. So it's a really good story. Yeah. You're right, though. We tend to pathologize every single thing that we know about. And it's like, all these things are tradeoffs.

They all come with some benefit or you wouldn't have gotten to this point. I'm glad that you said that because I would say that. my biggest mission in this book for people to realize that attachment, and that's one of the biggest misconceptions. And when you look on social media, that people equate anxious and avoidant with pathology. That's why I'm so drawn to the science, because attachment, it doesn't come from the medical model of pathology and healing and curing pathology. It actually comes from social psychology and the neurodevelopmental model. So the question is not about what's wrong and how we can cure it or heal it, it's more about, is it effective or is it not effective? Is the bond effective

in regulating the emotions? Is it working for you or is it not working for you? Is it servicing your goals or not? And from an attachment's perspective, it specifically, are you able to use this, it's something that's called a secure base? Is it giving you a secure base? Because the point of view of relationships from an attachment's perspective, remember, it's like a safety mechanism, is for you actually to fade into the background. So, you know, in the strange situation, when the child wants to play with all these toys, and every once in a while looks back to see if the mother is there. That's the point of a relationship,

so we can kind of like check to see if they're there, but not to think about you that much. So you'd be in the background, so we don't play with toys, but we have hobbies, we have careers, we parent, we have all these different things. So attachment is really linked to our exploratory drive. When we feel safe, we can explore. So it's more related to that. Okay, so to bring everyone up to speed.

So you wrote with Helen Attacks, which was applying this attachment theory to adults and specifically romantic parents. Right, because that's what he was initially about. Yeah. And so this book is enormously successful. And it also has a very peculiar trajectory as a book in that it's kind of hockey shaped in its distribution. Didn't it just continue to swell over time and there were some interesting catalysts like COVID and TikTok? Initially, when we wrote a book, we had this running joke between us that it's only going to sell one copy to the Library of Congress.

They have to mandate it. I went through this breakup and she's my childhood friend and so instead of just, you know, how you talk about breakups incessantly, so I said, you know what? Instead of sort of wasting all that energy about talking about the breakup, let's make something good about it.

Can I ask what your style was? Was it anxious? With this person, yes. Yeah. It wasn't so much anxious. I didn't understand what was going on. And then that goes to this idea, like all these myths that we have,

if you don't know about attachment theory, we have this idea that everybody loves the same. But science doesn't show that everybody loves the same. We love very differently if we're anxious, avoidant, and insecure. We haven't even gotten to it yet, as we'll get to it in a moment. But we love very, very differently. So for me, I was more like the anxious, secure part. And then it was certainly driven more towards anxious when the other person stopped responding on.

They said, you know, when I really like someone, I actually think about getting on a plane and moving away to the West Coast. And for me, it didn't make any sense because why would you want to do that? If you really like someone, don't you want to see a future together? Don't you want to think about being together? But avoidance, they don't like too much closeness. And oftentimes when they feel too much closeness, they want to bulk, they want to run away. But I didn't know that, that that's 25% of the population.

That is scary for them, that it means that they feel a loss of, like, independence. I'll add a layer because I think when I was younger, I probably, you'll be the first to acknowledge it. But, like, these are all spectrum categories. That's what this new book is really emphasizing. And also, we are very fluid and context dependent. So I'm in one way here and one way there. But if I had to say what I lean more towards, is I actually zero fear of intimacy,

being close, that felt wonderful. But I would be immediately overwhelmed with the responsibility of that. And then this fear, almost in an OCD way, well, if I have to break up with this person, this is going to be so painful. And I'm now so afraid of this responsibility of potentially hurting this person,

then now I'm starting to feel a little trapped by it. So yeah, it's a version of avoidance. There's all these hues of it. It is, yeah, exactly. You weren't afraid by the physical closeness. Or even the emotional. Yeah, you weren't afraid by that. None of it scared me.

But somehow it felt like, whoa, this is a big responsibility. Definitely a tinge of avoidance there. And also I listened to some of your podcasts. I saw also there were moments of change. And I really put a lot of emphasis in this book of those small moments of change. I think, Monica, you brought it up in one of the podcast about sort of the glass of water story that you used to have. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, with Kristen.

Yes. That it's like, why should I get her like, no, she should get it herself. We're both sitting here. Yes, exactly. No, why should I do that? And then they're like, potentially what does it mean? What pattern am I setting now? Is it the rest of my life I'll be waiting on this person? Right, exactly.

Or I'm getting taken advantage of that type of thing. And then the leap of faith of, no, actually, hold on. Do I think this person is someone who will exploit and take advantage of me because I'm nicest one time? And then that was kind of the breakthrough. He was like, no, I don't think this person is that way. I don't need to have this fear. In that moment, that shift, that's exactly how our brain changes towards greater security. I love that example.

That's what I thought I would bring it up because it's such an important. It seems like, oh, yeah, but it's really, it's a major shift for our brain. So you're able to use what we call metacognition, which is like thinking about our thoughts. And hopefully you got up and got the glass of water. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I haven't minded. But then it starts all over again when you have kids. Am I setting them up for a pattern that I think is untenable for their life?

I heard that. Maybe you mentioned something about when they call from the kitchen. Yeah. I was like, they fall or something happen in the kitchen. It's like, oh, I don't want to get up. And then eventually, no, but maybe I should. And sometimes you do and sometimes you don't, but you've evolved. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

Thank you to our presenting sponsor, Apple TV, the new U.S. home. of Formula One. You can now watch complete all-access, live coverage of every Grand Prix, including practice, qualifying, and sprints all in one place. I will be consuming all of those things, Monica. I know you will. I kill for Friday to start watching practice one, following it on a sprint weekend. Oh my gosh, two races. And this season brings a ton of new energy to the sport. New teams like Cadillac and Audi just joining the grid. New drivers stepping into major seats. Landon Norris defending, his first World Drivers Championship. And all eyes on Lewis Hamilton in a second season with Ferrari and a brand new circuit in Madrid.

Plus, a new U.S. home for Formula One. You can watch every race live only on Apple TV. Watch on Apple devices, Android devices, smart TV, streaming devices, gaming consoles, or on the web at TV. TV.com. All part of one Apple TV subscription alongside hundreds of exclusive shows and movies. Watch the Formula One Chinese Grand Prix live on Sunday, March 15th at 3 a.m. Eastern. or watch race replays on demand anytime only on Apple TV, the new U.S. home of F1. We are supported by Allstate.

Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking which platform you watch that new show on. So frustrating. 15 minutes later, you've logged into seven apps, reset two passwords, and still haven't found it. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with all.

Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability, all state, North American Insurance Co. and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. We are supported by Intuit Turbo Tax. April 15th is coming up fast, and if you're like most people, you're probably dreading the whole tax thing. You know the old way sitting in some waiting room for hours or sending over your tax docs and waiting and waiting for any kind of update. You want something modern and tech forward, but you also want that human connection. And this year brings a major upgrade. Into it TurboTax now has in-person locations nationwide. You can walk into a tech-enabled turbotax location near you and meet face-to-face with a real tax expert. Drop off your

documents in the store and see them uploaded to your TurboTax app instantly. Just like that, you're done. Your new TurboTax expert stays back and works tirelessly to get you every dollar you deserve while you get real-time notifications as you go about your day. Honestly, it feels like someone finally figured out what we've all been wanting. It's not some sterile tax office from 1987, and it's not just an app where you're on your own. It's both. The human expertise was smart modern tech.

You drop off your stuff, go about your day, and get real-time updates as your expert works through everything. That's the upgrade. Head to turbotax.com to find a store location near you and get matched with a turbotax expert with real-time updates and iOS app. As I always say, it's like my life now is stepping over the many bad thoughts I have in route to who I want to be. But they're going to come up every time. It's like, oh, that's that thing, that's that.

The thing is what I'm trying to sort of really show in this book is that it's not necessarily a bad thought. It's more like this belief that every person should take care of themselves. And it's not a bad belief. It's just a belief. We then assign it blame or bad or sort of even give it a potential causal mechanism. But if we just examine it phenomenologically for what it is, it's a belief. And then you say, but is it working for me or is it not working for me? But some people could be in that exact same situation and probably have an anxious attachment.

Oh, yeah. Of course. So it's not like one equals this, a different person in that exact same environment. Well, your genetics are hugely in the mix too, right? Because there's so many different parameters that go into this mix. So you're right. Some people will actually say, well, because I didn't have. a mother that doted on me.

Now I have all these issues and now I can detect threat when someone tries to pull away because I can identify it. Right. It looks so familiar. I know what this looks like. I think I have anxious. I wasn't going to self-diagnose you, but yeah. I mean, look, the way you would pray for your family members.

A lot of fear. Superstitious. If I miss this prayer, they're going to die. But that's not really attachment, or is it? I think it's more about how effective is the bond between you two. Like if you reach out to them, how quickly can you calm down? Anxious attachment is not necessarily

just having separation attachment. It's more about being afraid that the bond that you're not going to be loved as much as you want to be loved, that other people will leave you, that other people will fail you. Yeah, you're... I do have that, but I don't know why.

But I bet it's more peer-derived than parental. I definitely, yeah, it's weird because I don't have that at all with my parent. Right. But her otherness in her peer group, So that's the beauty, and that's why I really wanted to, I mean, look, 15 years passed in my last book and a lot of new information was discovered about attachment. And I really found that there's a potential here to help people flourish.

And actually, after I finished writing the book, then all these people started coming to me asking, okay, help me become more secure. But I didn't have an immediate answer for that because we never really learned about it in the clinical world. Basically, Rachel and I took it from papers and tried to breathe clinical life into it, but I didn't have an immediate answer to how you become more secure. And then the answer came over time from the lab, actually, not from my work, from understanding the brain.

Not from cocaine use in your study. Yes, exactly. But really from understanding the brain? Yeah. So the first book helped you understand your attachment style. And then people want to know, well, how do I change it? Right. Right.

And now this book, Secure, is going to help us. change into a secure attachment. As a neuroscientist, it's the kind of therapy I wish I could go into with people know more about the brain because most therapies, they haven't been updated. Some of it is not the blame of the therapies because the NIH doesn't really sponsor on my studies about new therapies. But there's so much more that we know about the brain. It's kind of like the kind of therapy that me as a neuroscientist would want to have,

but it didn't exist. And so over time, I didn't have this grandiose idea. Oh, I'm going to create it. But it just over time just happened on its own. and I created these tools. And the whole idea is, if you know that a part of your life is much more secure than others,

that certain relationships are much more secure, then why not then really increase the volume on that part of your life and just, like, shift the attention and the focus to sort of create a more secure life. And that really changes the brain on such a fundamental level. What you do is you merge together

three different fields. You're kind of, you've all Harari this. You're like, you're doing the neuroscience. science, you're doing the clinical psychology you're doing. The attachment. The attachment. And you're creating what you would call now. The secure priming therapy.

But it's not only therapy and coaching, but it's also the way I started creating it, actually, I started creating a course for high school. Anybody could learn. I had a student, and she wanted to do some sort of a science exhibit on the social brain. And she asked me, what would be the most important lessons? And I came out with five. And then actually, like, three of them made it into the book. and it was the things that I thought would be the most beneficial for people to know.

And then I thought, oh, I can actually make a course out of this where people can actually learn if you really believe that you should only count on yourself. That's not a bad thought necessarily, or it's not a pathology. But it's really more to explain about how the brain responds to exclusion. Our brain hates exclusion. And I call it a cyberball effect. And then I developed an antidote to it. How do we sort of then create the opposite because our brains love.

hyper-inclusion or hyper-connectedness, how do we then orchestrate that in our everyday life? So these are the three lessons that I started to book with. Yeah, so you talk about the science of the brain in part one. So what do we need to understand about how the brain works? So our brain loads exclusion. That was like the most important thing that I would start with. I call it the sabbable effect.

The biggest thing is safety because we're not descendants of eagles or elephants or lions. Leopards or lions. Yeah, we're not. We're like these like primates who live for. a long time in the middle of the food chain. And it was only when I was on a safari in Africa. You realize how fucking vulnerable we are. Because we went, they took us, most of the time we're in those like vehicles.

And you feel like, it's okay. Even though one time an elephant's charging it us, it was pretty scary. But at one time, we walked outside in the wild. But they had a guy with a rifle behind us and a guy with a rifle in front of us. And we had to keep a single file. And at no point could we have actually opened the gap. And if we did, they would tell us immediately, close the gap. And then I realized, whoa, when we were there, there's no people with rifles in the front.

And then it's not about just like, oh, I like being hyper-included. It's so nice. I love it. It's so comfy and warm and cozy. It's more of like, if you're excluded, then you can fall prey at any second. You're dead. Yeah, you're dead. It's life or death.

And the fact that we're all close to each other here, for example, now. So if a predator came, I have 66% of survival better than if I were by myself because it's they're going to go after you. Right. Right. Rob's fucked. He's going to get picked off back there behind that wall. Well, no.

Not if they come in this way, then he'll run out that door and he'll be safe. And that doesn't take into account the fact that we can warn each other, we can try to fight them off together. We have a 360-degree view right now between our combined perspectives. So we can alert each other. We can use all of our senses to help each other, all which happens. And you see it in so many different social animals. Even you see it in social birds, peck, peck, peck all the time. And every once in a while they swoop up, they look for food and then to look to see

Are they going to be prey? But then, if they have more birds around, they will swoop up, they will look up a lot less. Their brain computes it into the mix. And our brains also compute it into the mix. You're not in New York, but like walking into an empty sunbury car in the middle of the night. I don't know if I would do that. I would go through the subway car.

There's more people. Or like an empty alley. We instinctively feel it. It's a safety thing. You intuitively do that math. The birds know like, oh, there's three of us. I should be looking up a third of the time, even though they don't know that. Yeah, exactly.

And there's 100. So it's like, oh, I only got to look up 1% of the time. Because it was hugely advantageous to do that. And those who didn't get that social monitoring sort of upgrade, they couldn't really compete. There was such a huge advantage. They got picked off. Because they were constantly looking up and they were all eating while they were looking up. And then we get into so much fun stuff.

It's like the birth of line comes from this. There are calls for chimpanzees to say leopard and this and that. Oh, yeah, yeah. And they would make a fake call so they could go fuck the high status female while the alpha was looking over here. Yeah, it becomes very intricate. in humans and also in other social and also even in some birds. We have an upgrade to that system because we compare ourselves to others. And there's a whole chapter involved to why we compare and why we can't help it.

But part of our ability to compare, it's really about assessing the other, they're stronger than them or they're not stronger than me. But also, we have this upgrade that we can determine, are they going to work well with me or not? Right. And that ability to compare, to evaluate, it's key for us as human. This is theory of mind stuff, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I can think about how you're thinking. I can assess your thoughts. Yeah. And are you going to be there for me? Yeah, I can get her a cup of water because she probably has my back and she'll also get me a cup of water later. It'll be reciprocal. So we have that ability to assess. And that's a key part in becoming more secure.

And I even have a questionnaire. There's like, oh, assess how good is your collaboration. And then also rate how close you are to different people. And then see, those really good collaborations, also the people that are. closest to you? Because if not, maybe you want to think about changing your priorities, your relationship priorities, and the process of becoming more secure. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah, cyber ball effect. Right. So the cyber ball effect is based on the cyber ball experiment. And basically what happens, you're playing a game of catch with two other people on a video game, a very rudimentary,

a video game, two-dimensional. And all of a sudden, they stop throwing the ball in your direction. and the brain hates it and psychologically we hate it. Do you see areas of pain, distress, self-scrutiny? In the brain they all sort of like light up. The amygdala's on fire? Is that what happening? Parts of the amygdala, other areas of self-scrutiny. It's all like threat and what's happening and why is it happening.

Potentially also pain, not too different from physical pain. It's very, very distressing. And psychologically, they looked and they found that certain domains are being affected that I personally was very surprised. by it. Like we feel that life is less meaningful, less in control of our life, and less self-esteem. Oh, yeah. And less self-esteem. Yes. So things that I always thought, my self-esteem is not related to or how much control I have over my life or that life is meaningful. Why does it matter to who is interacting with me? It's things that come from within. They don't come from within.

And they found the opposite of the soluble effect when you actually put a person in the middle. And now I'm in the middle and I'm throwing the wall to you. You'll throw it back to me. I'm throwing it to me. I'm hyper-included now. So basically you see the opposite. You feel that life is more meaningful. You feel more self-esteem and you feel greater control in your life.

So these are amazing things that we can create by hyper-inclusion. But then the question is, how do you create that? Right. How do you create that? Teach us. So that's when I came up with these five pillars. Carp. Yes, the carp, the five pillars of secure life,

which consists of consistency, availability, responsiveness. And then you also have to make sure it's not enough. It's like, oh, I'm consistent, available, and responsive. You have to make sure that the other person experiences you as reliable and predictable. And that creates carp. So it's like a two-factor authentication. It's something that happens in their relationship. So if you learn to be carp and you can also teach others to be carp with you,

then you can really create that hyper-included. It's not that hard. It's actually pretty easy. That's what I'm trying to explain to people. Attachment is not a very sophisticated system. It's a monitoring system. Yeah. Like if you give it what it needs,

remember I told you, you are supposed to disappear into the background. You just have to learn how to strategically give that. So you don't wait until a child is super hungry to feed them or super tired to put them to sleep. You kind of like try to anticipate what they need and sort of give it to them and then you can sort of coast. Yeah.

It is funny because I'm sure all the listeners can think about people in their lives who, they don't have to think about the fact that they're there. They're not worried about that relationship. It's just there. It's constantly like you and Aaron. There's people like that. And then you have people that you're like,

do I need to check in on them? Or maybe that's just me because I'm anxious. But people who are more on the fence of, are they there? Yeah, they're not carp. So what happens is they push your button. They activate the radar. But I like how you said,

we always have these people that we know that they're there. But what I find is that oftentimes people tend to ignore those people because there's no drama. We tend to shift more to where the alarm goes off. So let's see where it goes off. You're like inversely rewarded for being carp sometimes in some relationships. Yeah. And then what happened in the course of writing this book and the course of this work, I really learned to fall in love with the secures of this world because there's just so good relationships.

And so what I really try to teach my patients and my students and when I supervise is to really shift the focus and find those people because we really ignore them instead of like why is this person not texting me oh but this person texts me all the time why should I text them? Right more energy there. Yes exactly and so you create that shift and then what happens is we come to the final tool which is when you start to pay attention and it's not in the big things it's in what I come to call the seemingly insignificant minor interactions which is also short for simis of everyday life it's in those little moments like that glass of water moment that a lot of major change can happen because it re-challenges your brain. If you have this belief, yes, I really have to work hard for people to interact with me and need

to get their attention. Otherwise, you wouldn't want to be with me. They wouldn't want to necessarily reach out to me. That's more of the anxious thing. Instead, you get all these experiences, all these seemies that are counteracting that world belief because really attachment styles are basically kind of a world belief, which is set in some ways. And then our brain sifted information based on that word belief. What I'm asking you to do is don't sift information based on your world belief. Look here to your right or to your left and there's additional information that can change your brain with those little seemies. So one of my issues with like all this stuff, again, is tradeoffs, there's positives, there's negatives.

But in the mass pop psychology genre of social media, what I seem to see the most of is identifying somebody. You know, everything's about another person's problem. You know, if you're with a narcissist. And then also from childhood. Yeah, so either childhood's to blame or these other people are to blame. Or they have terrible pathology. I don't find a ton of it about how about you make yourself the thing that you think you deserve and then just kind of see what happens downriver from that.

For this is priority number one to make sure your carp. I'm so glad you asked that. One of the reason it was so important for me to write this book because it's just like, I don't see things that way anymore. Instead of going back to this idea as a child, just like, no, but you can see things differently. So here, maybe try to look at it from a different angle. These are little tricks to fool your biology

that wants to go in a certain way and make it see things a little bit differently so the brain can see, well, things can look different. So I'm not even saying, like, you have to take accountability. I'm not even going there. I'm just saying, look, but the thing is anxious and avoidant and have to use those tools very differently. That's where it gets a little bit more tricky.

Well, this is where we get into one of my favorite AAsains, which is like it's easier to act your way into thinking different than think your way into acting different. So maybe explain a little bit what's happening biochemically and with neurons. And then why does this work with neuroplasticity and neural pathways? What's happening? Yeah, exactly. Because we have this surveillance system that was in some way, it may be very sensitive and maybe the opposite.

I'm constantly suppressing it. And then it starts ruling our life. If we get triggered, then two different things happen for anxious and avoidant. For secure, the thing is they don't really get triggered that often. They just don't see a lot of threats. So even maybe I think there would be the last people to know if someone cheated on them. They're not going to see the signs. Interesting.

It's just like not something that they'll see or even at work. They can give you so many different scenarios. The other day, someone emailed me and they said, hey, when do you have a time to talk? And then my sister said, oh my gosh, you probably got fired. And I said, like, why would you say that? She just wanted to say when we can talk. Sure enough, she got fired. See?

Yeah, yeah. And then more research recently have shown that it also affects how we interact with our health care providers. And even if we have a chronic illness like pharma-malgia, how much pain we're going to be in. And then it affects how we shop. Secure people don't care so much about. They don't care so much about logos. Why are you laughing? I just love shopping so much.

But you can love fashion, but he's maybe less about status and more about, or maybe it also about status. I have to be honest. I don't want it to be. but it is in the mix. You're such a good girl. But it's fine. I think I said it from the beginning. About 25% of population are

avoidant, about 20% are anxious, and about 50-something% are secure, and a very small percentage are fearful avoidant. These are just like variations on the norm. There's different studies that show the amazing advantage to have that variability within the population. They had one study where they had a little smoke come out of a computer in a group of people,

and the anxious ones were the first to notice it and the avoidance were the first out of the door. And everyone like other people followed. But you can see there can be an advantage. Just like, you know what? Fuck you all, I'm out of here. But I want to go back to what you said about this whole thing on social media.

We're pointing at others. I just think that it's the wrong conversation or the one way of looking at it because there's this whole potential and that's the beauty of the science that we all have these secure people in our lives and secure experiences from our own childhood that we can tap into and become more secure

and the opportunity and the advantages for being more secure in that way. You can really flourish. I want my patients to flourish. I do want them to heal from trauma and I'm not saying that's wrong, but I want to take it a step further. I think that this science,

through really understanding and combining neuroscience with the attachment, really can give people the opportunity to flourish. I just stumbled upon this, chatting with my brother in New York. we took a trip for three days before Christmas. And we were discussing there's a lot of good social science behind. Although I don't believe in the secret, the book,

I do believe in an aspect of it, right, which is your focus and attention can create a bit of confirmation bias. So if you're looking towards the future and you're thinking of only the ways you're going to fail, those are the ones you're going to focus on. And you're going to see proof of that more often. Then you'll see proof of a different theory that you're trying to service. So I was talking to my brother, I was just telling him honestly, I'm like, you know, I'm writing this memoir and I feel a bit guilty because it's really the highlights real of the bad stuff because that's drama, that's everything.

That's a good book. And I said, but when I'm being honest, that probably, and all ear and I's combined stuff that might have maybe been 0.2% of our overall waking experience. That's amazing, actually. And you know, why wouldn't the same premise apply to looking backwards as it does forward? Like, you and I could construct any story we want. We have enough info back there to come up with any story. And perhaps by us focusing on these things that were, no doubt, gnarly, we're kind of excluding all the other stuff that would confirm.

No, we actually had a very blessed, lucky childhood. The way that you described it here is a big part of the essence of the secure priming therapy. It's really recasting your past from a more secure place and really looking at the other influences and the other people that were in your life. Even the people where things were difficult, that's how we started the conversation. I was able to see my part in it also

and really also see other times when actually my father really loved me and gave me attention. And that moment when we were in the hotel lobby, when he threw the coin. Yeah. And actually that shift is huge for our brain. And it can really help us.

It really changes also who we are in the here and now. Remember that narrative and how we create the narrative? It's richer and it's more true. It's more true. Yeah. And weirdly, I'm dealing with it now. It's really crazy that I can intellectually understand that. And yet I do have this fear of letting that go. I know. I think it's so interwoven in my quote identity that to let go of it would be threatening to my identity. And we live in the world that's really ruled by Freudian psychology, that everything is because of these things happen to us in childhood, but actually the science shows that the attachment styles that we have as children

predicts less than 10% of the attachment styles that we have in adults. Whoa, that's a huge... And a lot of what really changes our attachment style happen later. Well, that's mind-blowing. It's counterintuitive and it's encouraging. Completely encouraging because you can change your attachment style and you can evolve. And that's why actually I thought that it was fair to write this book because the science shows that you can change it.

Yeah, I want to know a little bit about neural pathways. What happens when you dwell on those five, you know, for me? I had two terrible stepdadds. I had four great teachers. Why aren't I looking at the four great teachers? I was actually going to agree with that example because I listened. I did my homework. Such a good student.

Yeah, I'm telling you. I feel like he used AI, though, to scan all of them. Oh, no, I listen. He went back to school 80 million times. He listened to 2,000 hours. No, no, actually. It was fascinating, I have to say. and I love that story of the math teacher

who recognized it was geometry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had the little blocks and we were learning. And then you asked you to sort of teach the other students. Change my life. Something that happened in a moment, someone did something really good by my brain. He changed my brain to the different trajectory

and made me really see myself differently and think about things differently. Is the muscle analogy not good or is it good? When we use certain thoughts that emboldened certain pathways. Oh, definitely. It describes it really, really well because what happens, our current belief is that our memories lie in our synapses in the structure of the synapses.

Usually LTPA, long-term pretentiation is like electrophysiology that we strengthen memories. The synapses get tighter and there's more. Even there's actin growing in the synapses to kind of like build the structure. So that's why the analogy of the muscles, the actual molecules, some of them are the same molecules. And then when memories weaken, which is very important part because we also have to forget. And forgetting is an active process in the brain. in active molecular process, synapses actually weakened.

They get further apart. That's why I brought up the whole semis thing because people, when you go to therapy, I think I have to talk about my childhood, really difficult events that happened to me. But really, the avenue for change in the brain are through those semis because every interaction gives you a moment,

a chance to rewrite something, to strengthen those synapses or weaken those synapses. And that's basically the synaptic plasticity idea. It's such an empowering way to look at it all because you have absolutely no sway over what happened to you 30 years ago. That's done. But also, I mean, if you think about it, we're social species. We're not particularly strong animals.

We're actually pretty weak. We live in every niche on this planet just because our ability to sort of collaborate and cooperate so well. So it doesn't really make sense that we'll say stuck in something that happened to us really early on. What advantage is there in that at all? It's just like it doesn't make sense to me. we need to be socially versatile. And we are extremely socially versatile,

much, much more than we give us of credit for because of that Freudian biology. You're so right. When it hits me the most, I'll be watching some documentary on chimpanzees. And, you know, they're probably our closest thing to look at. Oh, yeah, they are. And these little babies, they get fucked up.

These alpha males will come through and they'll be thrashing the jungle and they'll throw one 30 feet and everything. And I just have watching that. And I'm like, it's curious to me that they're so resilient. They go to what we would call capital T trauma almost daily. Oh, yeah, their lives are vicious. They still persevere, right?

And I'll look at that and I'll go, as much as I do like honoring what has happened to us, we also have forgotten how fucking resilient we are. You can't live with this many members of a group and not be traumatized many times. So that's what brings me to that chapter 10 about causality? Yes, I've circled that one. I wanted to talk about that. And you want to tell the story of Anne? A woman who as a child had terrible separation anxiety.

But unfortunately for her, her dad had to travel a lot for business. And so whenever he would travel, she would sort of cry and really sort of hold on to his leg and like really don't go, don't go. And then she would have a hard time falling asleep. They would try to reassure her, but he had to go for work. But they didn't know she had separation anxiety. There's actually good treatment for separation anxiety in children. You says like four to six percent maybe have that. Yeah, it's very prevalent.

Eventually she learned it's not going to work. And I'm just going to bottle it. it up. They thought it was over, like that she was fine. In many cases, it does go away. So it wasn't unreasonable to think that. But she really kept that fear inside for many, many years and she couldn't fall asleep. She just kept a brave face. And then when she was an adult, she had a really hard time in relationships. She would be in a relationship, but she would always want to leave. Every day was like, should I stay or should I leave? Should I stay? And she would keep even boxes packed because no, no, no, I shouldn't unpack them because I'm going to leave. And that happened in several

relationships. She was afraid they were going to leave? Like she was trying to get ahead of it? Because it just didn't feel any safe. She's just like, no, this doesn't feel right to me. I don't know what's going to happen here. This doesn't feel right to me. I don't know if I belong here. Is this the right thing for me or is it not the right thing for me? And so as someone who learned psychology and learned to do therapy, then you said, well, because as a child, even though your parents were loving and cared about you, still there was that basic experience that relationships are dangerous. relationships are a source of pain and anguish. So I'm going to be very careful how I'm going to approach this relationship.

And the truth is, I would have given this explanation, and I would have stood by the explanation, until I became a scientist. And once I became a scientist, I said, wait a second, when you're a scientist, finding causality, that's the holy grail of scientific discovery. That's so hard to do. Do you want to explain the difference between correlation and causality?

I think people think they're experiencing causality. We think in causality, but oftentimes people find things actually correlate or confound. The best example, because I love that example when you talked about how you came from a family of little means. So you have to sort of fend for yourself and you have to sort of make sure that you're taking what you need. And so the best example is that marshmallow test that has been disproven. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Milk it. Who did marshmallow? Oh, no. I don't know.

They tried to replicate it and was completely disproved. Come on. This is an exclusive. What? Tell me. Tell everyone. Yeah. So the marshmallow test, they took children and they put a marshmallow in front of them.

And they told them, if you wait for a certain time, then when we get back, you'll get two. And so they waited a certain time. And some kids were able to wait and they got two and some weren't able to wait. You can see them like sitting on their hands, singing, trying to sort of distract themselves. And then they found that those kids who didn't have that impulse control, then they didn't wait. They didn't fare as well. later in life as the kids who had better impulse control. And there was a whole theory about impulse control

and how good it is and how important it is and all of that. Lo and behold, they did a larger study with a larger cohort and they didn't find any of that effect. Interesting. And not only that, they found that the original studies were confounded by socioeconomic status. Oh. So of course it would make sense if you come from a lower socioeconomic status

to jump at that mushroom-loated. Yeah, there ain't no two coming back. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's why. And everybody knows that socioeconomic status is the biggest predict. Yes. Oh, my God, they've been lying this whole time. There have been thousands of books written on the shoulders of the marshmallow.

But that's the beauty of science. When I work with single molecules, I can give you astounding examples. I worked with mice and a pleasia, much simpler animals. Even those, when we think we found causality, at some point they thought PKK, it's like a molecule. That's the reason why we have long-term memory. It's responsible for long-term memory. memory. There's a big splash in science paper and everybody believed that and they gave this medication that inhibited P.KMZEDA. They could erase memories, prevent them from happening. Amazing.

And it's all done in mice, very simple fear memory stuff. Several years later, another study came out in nature, sort of science survival. It's like, no, sorry. We actually were able to knock out PCHMZTA for mice. They remember perfectly well. And not only that, we gave them the medication that you thought, and they don't have P.KMZeta, which they thought was specific, it did disrupt their memory, and that medication is not specific. It actually completely, I'll just say it in the way that it would make it more simple. It completely fucks up the brain. So that's why they didn't have, it was not specific. Exactly. Of which memories apart. Yes, exactly. Something like that. Oh, wow. Yeah, like, we hit them in the head with a club. It connects us to memory.

Exactly. Something of that, yes, basically. So, even a single molecule in simple animals is so hard to establish causality. How can I really stand behind such causal inferences? Like in mice, even, if you take them, if you expose them to a bully, I don't know how long they put them there,

and they beat them up. And then sometimes some of them, I think maybe 50% will really suffer and develop symptoms of depression and anxiety. Another 50% will completely, like, nothing happened. Right. So we don't know.

That's a simpler animal and a much more controlled environment. You still don't know. My therapist actively does not like talking about the past. Because a lot of the evidence-based therapies really focus on the here and now. They really evidence-based therapies for depression or anxiety. And I really try to create something that will help people become more secure while focusing on the here and now,

while creating these small interactions that gives your brain another chance. Yeah. Exactly. Stay tuned for more Armchair expert. if you dare. Okay, so let's talk about secure mode and what life actually looks like daily. Oh, we didn't finish Anne.

What did we figure out? So basically, when I became a scientist, it's like, yeah, I mean, I can get that story. And it's good, but it's not fact. I mean, you can think about it as a narrative that can potentially help people. And I can say, you know, maybe there are echoes from the past, which is fine.

But the truth is we can work in the here and now to really instill meaningful changes that will really help you. And that's what we did. Luckily, she had a very secure partner. That's always good because that's helpful for change. Because they're like, I told you, I fell in love with the secures of this world because they're like having a built-in relationship coach in the relationship. It can be in friendships, in romantic relationships. It can be at work. It can be in so many different areas of our life. So those relationships are really, really important. And then it didn't take it personally. And it's easier for

secures not to take things personally because they don't sense danger. So it's like, oh, it's easier. And so, yeah, I understand this is something. that comes up. And so she was able to learn to open up to him and talk to him about her fears. And then slowly to unpack the boxes. All the angst that prevented her started to sort of melt away. And it worked really well. But it worked in the here and now.

And it really didn't depend so much on understanding the past. Yeah. But there is something to be said about recalling past events in therapy or in general, even with friends. What actually does happen is an opportunity to rewrite your memories. you're recalling something. And what we now know is that from a neuroscience perspective, when we recall a memory,

we to some degree disrupt it. We know it in like in animal models. When they recall memory, you can prevent new protein synthesis. I'm maybe getting too technical, but new protein synthesis, in order for long-term memory to resolidify, you need new protein synthesis.

You completely erase their memories. So basically, by recalling something, you disrupt the memory and you have a chance to not just create a little, causal connection, I think it's actually more powerful to change the actual memory, to edit it, to suit you more now to where you are now. That's why everyone's memories of the same experience are very different. Very different.

Because over time, they're thinking about it and they're changing. Constantly editing it. Constantly and can be affected by how other people talk to you about it, how you recall it. Memory is very vulnerable in a good way, I think. I'm with you and I am concerned about modern psychology for all the reasons we're listening. One thing I found about going through my past when I actually did real therapy starting five years ago, I guess. I was telling these stories that I had told a million times. But in this context with this man, I do believe I was feeling the emotions attached to those feelings that I had never let myself feel.

And I feel like I got to actually cry when I was telling the story for the first time. And I felt like I was allowing myself to experience and grieve. for something I just never made space for because I thought it might have killed me. So for me, I felt like there was utility in it. And then I had delayed the emotional response to some of these things for so long in that once I had the emotional response,

they got smaller. I knew somehow on the other side of that door was crying. And I was just not going to go there. And then once I did that part, I did feel like it liberated me to go forward. Completely. So that's the second. The first part is the sort of re-editing those memories.

And the second part is that, when you sit together with someone that you trust. And how often do we get to talk about those really difficult moments or intimate moments and recall them with someone that you fully trust, that you have a very unique therapeutic relationship is unlike any other relationship in the world? Yeah. That you can open up and they're there just to listen

and to help you and to understand you. And if you feel that connection, they give you the secure base to be able to process some of the information and really change it in a way that now actually feels more secure. So that's the thing. And actually, a lot of studies show that it doesn't really matter so much the modality of the treatment. You know there's CBT, there's IPT, there's all these different types of treatments. But actually, it's more about the fit with the therapist.

So again, we come back to that attachment thing. Exactly. Of how well do you feel that you connect with someone and how much attachment is powerful? I like to say that attachment is both at the base of suffering and healing from suffering. because remember the strange situation, how effective it can be in regulating our emotions. So we have an attachment hierarchy in our head. We all have it.

And I know that if something bad happens to me, I know exactly who's number one I'm going to go to. Who's number two? You see, you're all nodding because you know too. I know exactly who to go to. And that's very important for our brain. And then if I'm securely attached to them, most of the time,

a single word from them, or a sentence or even a hug, will calm me down immediately. there's just no Xanax or Clonopin in this world that can be as powerful. And I wonder, because it works on so many different neurotransmitters, altogether, like opiates, oxytocin, dopamine, you name it. It works on those and other things that we haven't discovered yet. It's so powerful, but the opposite is also true.

Insecure attachments can be the most powerful instigator of emotional distress. So attachment is the basis of both suffering and healing from suffering. And part of the reason why I wrote this book is kind of like to really try to shift people towards getting better and making things work for you better. Then being stuck in that place where your brain constantly is surveying and feels that danger. So interesting. Another part of the book talks about biological diversity and hidden sparks of talent. So please tell us about that. When you become a molecular neuroscientist, you see the enormity of molecular diversity that we all possess and how different it is.

And we know it because we all look a little bit different, and we all have these different abilities, even just in the way that we can flip our tongue or even with our fingers, all these different things. But also it goes way, way further than that. Evolution loves diversity. It's really one of the best survival mechanisms. But we don't really fully appreciate how diverse we are

and also in our talents. And not only that, oftentimes, especially people with insecure attachment, sometimes their biggest talents they perceive as impediment. But here, like a hidden spark of talent that someone actually identified was your math ability. Uh-huh. And so when you lean into that ability, how it can really profoundly change your world. Those dominoes.

If I'm actually good at math, maybe I can be good at other things. Right. And so I find that when people can learn to identify both theirs and other people's hidden sparks of talent, it really changes the way that they look at others. themselves. So for example, if someone is actually very, very generous, but they give to everyone, but his wife doesn't like that he gives to everyone, but he also gives to you also a lot too. You can't just decide, oh, I want him to be generous to me and sort of mean to everybody else. It doesn't work that way. It's almost like a hidden spark of talent. So when you learn to look at

things that way, you say, oh, wow, actually, I see that. I don't have to resent that he gives and it gives and he gives. I'm also the recipient of that giving. So I can see that as a hidden spark of biological talent. it's a system that's scanning how available someone is. So you could misread that as a lack of availability because they're available for other people. Yes, exactly. Now you're like talking from the attachment logic because that, oh, am I being left out? Scarcity.

But that's where we can really learn to transcend our biology using metacognition, basically. So metacognition, how we think about our thoughts. So he's like, wait a second. Yeah, I mean, I have that soluble effect. Am I feeling? But hey, look at it. And that's where it also it's good to have. I call that secure people in your life, a secure buddy, where, like, if you get upset,

and that's what I do, like, in the secure therapy. I do sort of real time sometimes with text. You're also the recipient of it, and it actually doesn't take away from you. And you teach them a secure way of looking at things that secure love is actually bountiful and not scarce. Remember, secure relationships are not about being attached to the hip. All it needs is, like, a little bit more acknowledgement. so a little bit more texting.

The other thing is, it's actually saying, well, I wish you were here. Well, I also remember that hyperconnectedness to always give an opportunity, if possible, to include, oh, it's too bad you can't come. Everybody talked about you. Everybody mentioned you. So there's a psychological way of including people,

even if they're not there. Yeah. Everybody talked about you. Oh, my God, everybody mentions like, how come? And then even in the middle of the dinner, hey, this food, you would have loved it. So, like, do you include it, even if you're not there. if you're not there. It's easy to do it.

Yeah, I feel like just telling people you miss them is so huge. Huge. Because I'm thinking about you. I know you're not here. I'm thinking about you. Exactly. It's a lovely way to include people. Yeah. Was there anything I've left out that you would want to cover? I don't know if I actually really defined. I should have done it. I always tell I was like put myself over the head. Like I should define those attachment styles early on.

Should I define it just in case if you wanted to. Let's do it. Yeah. Let's do it. Yeah. Yeah. So it all has to do with how comfortable we feel with intimacy and closeness, but also how sensitive radar we have to potential danger in the relationship. So if we have an anxious attachment style, we love closeness and intimacy, but we also have a very sensitive radar to a potential danger. If someone doesn't become available, we notice it right away. And that can lead to thoughts of being rejected, fake things personally. So that's the anxious attachment.

And then secure attachments are people who are warm and loving, and they love a lot of closeness as much as you can give them. But they're also not sensitive to danger in their relationship. So if you don't give them that much closeness, they're fine with it too. They just don't see, oh my God, something is wrong. They don't like me anymore. No, it just goes over their head. So that's a secure attachment.

And people who have an avoidant attachment style. They also want relationships because we're social species, but they just don't feel too comfortable with too much closeness. They want you, but they want you from a little bit of a distance. And so they find ways of creating that, distance so they can feel more comfortable. What might that look like? Because when you say the anxious attachment, I immediately, I think we all can, you can think of

like your big friendship group and you can think of the ones that are like really upset and monitoring when they've been invited and when they've not. And I mean, this is a brag, but it's like, I don't notice that, right? Like, I don't notice on Instagram. It's not a bag. It's just this group was at dinner. It doesn't even cross my mind. So to me, that's a very obvious example.

So what does the avoidant one look like? I'm glad that you said that you don't notice that because. Secures don't notice it oftentimes, but if they're asked to do it, they will do it. Avoidance, they have a harder time with it because they have this worldview that you have to be independent, you have to be self-reliant, and they are to themselves, but they don't understand. We said they're about 25% of the population. They don't understand that they're the minority. They're not the majority.

Most people need other people to help in time of need when they come to you. So when you come to them in time of need, it's like, what do you want for me? Take care of it. But then it actually triggers your attack even more. It's like, no, no, now you become the center of their problem. I'm coming to help and you're not helping me. They forget about the bad thing that happens to them. And now you're the bad thing that's happened to them.

So they fall into these constant traps unknowingly often, not knowing how to manage. Like, no, you're their minority report. You need to understand that when people come to you, they can't deal with it on their own. So that's one thing. The other thing, sometimes they create a lot of closeness. Well, they spend a really amazing weekend together.

everything is very intense and fun. And then comes Monday and they need their time. Okay, we've had enough, right? They have this idea that they can carry it forward, like credit. But attachment doesn't work that way. It's a radar. Exactly. And so they actually disappear.

They do the opposite of what they intended to do. They actually increase the change, the Delta. And now you actually even more. What's happening? Why are you not answering? It feels like love bombing. Yeah. They don't understand what's happening.

Yeah. Like why are you disappearing all of a sudden? So remember the consistency, available, responsive? they don't even understand what's happening. They're like, yeah, don't you feel filled up? Yeah. And then the last thing that happens is that sometimes when they get too close to quickly,

they don't pace themselves because they're like, no, I want this to happen. I want it to work now. I've looked for all these people and it doesn't work and now I want it. So they get very close real fast because I think all the other people that I met, they weren't the one.

This person's going to be one. I may just swoop in and going like full force to make it work. But that's exactly what they don't need to do because the problem is not that they weren't into that person. They were into all these other people. The problem is that there's too much closeness for comfort and then they have this deactivating strategies. Like, oh, I don't know if I like this person. I don't like how they chew. And like they start all these little things that they're saying.

Yeah, there's these deactivating strategies. They have to learn to pace themselves and they have to learn not to get, I call it the closeness overdose because then they're going to sound like, no, this is suffocating. I don't want you anymore. And then again, they create this sort of push pool. So you can teach them how to sort of engage in more carpsinis, basically. Yeah. Did you once say that one of your criticisms of your own book attached would be that you didn't necessarily give the avoidant. Oh, I'm glad you brought that up. Yeah, the avoidant group, as much compassion as maybe they deserve. I feel this is my like amends. But it's not entirely my fault. This book in line is definitely my amends to the avoidance. Not just mine. I have to say also just the research in general,

because research is also biased and the question that people ask are biased. And I feel feel that in this book, I really present a much more biological explanation of avoidant. Not necessarily, you know, again, blaming them mothers, like that your parents were not responsive to you. I don't think that's the case. And I really make a strong case of it. But I really think that we presented the data, the science, and they show, oh, they have a wondering eye.

They don't take care of you so well if you're sick. And so we just wrote it out there. But then over the years, working with avoidance. Are you laughing at me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's laughing at me. When someone gets sick, I'm like, just go deal with it, man. You see?

Yeah, he's like, we all get sick. Yeah, we all get sick. You see, but he's sick. Right. I was sick too, but I didn't fucking bother you with it. Right, exactly, because they don't. They don't bother other people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

I'm so guilty of it. What's happening biological with me? So biologically, I give an example in the book of The Elegance, which is like a tiny worm that neuroscientists love because they have, again, huge, neurons. And they can be manipulated and experimented on. So in sea elegance, they found that they have two types of feeding behavior, solitary feeding behavior, and social feeding behavior. And so they eat E. coli. Thank God. We don't want it. I know. So when the social ones, they detect E. coli,

you see like a whole pile of worms, voraciously eating. No, thank you. And then. Who ate that image. I know. I'm sorry. But it's important because the solitary one, Everyone swims in that direction, they swim the other way. They're chemotactically repelled by the other warmth, and it's a change in a single amino acid, in a single protein. They can switch solitary to social and vice versa. Yeah, that's very easy. So the case that I'm trying to make is that this preference for closeness and distance,

a lot of it is also biologically driven. And we can see it everywhere around us, like even you can see in pets. Some people say, some dogs are like cats. They don't like to be that close. They actually will stay away. It's like, okay, I like you from a distance. Some cats will stick to you,

and they actually are not that separate as you would think. You can see it in birds, and you can see it in people. Some people feel more comfortable with more closeness, and there's a big, big, big spectrum. But if we can also focus on the here and now and make these changes that it can really lead us to be in secure mode, it's a way to flourish in the world, to feel safe, to not worry all the time.

It's so much so. And that's kind of like chapter four in the book. I write about energy in the brain because you really have to understand that the brain is a huge energy guzzler. It can't really get reinforcements. It can only deal with the amount of energy that it gets. It can't increase the blood flow all of a sudden, like our muscles can or when we eat. That's not possible for the brain because it's encased in the skull. And the pressure will mount and we'll have a bleed.

So you get the amount of energy that you get, which is 20%, which is a huge amount. The brain is 2%. But he's taken 20% and the children, even more. five-year-olds, it's like 50%. It's kind of crazy. And then all that you can do is you can divert energy from one area to the rain to the other. So if you feel safer,

and especially those prefrontal areas that we think and abstract and create, these are the ones that are the most energy heavy. So when you create a safer, like a secure mode environment for yourself, you can free up that energy to sort of be diverted more to thinking, like the child in this strange situation,

like playing, doing things, It's not just about, oh, this is nice to me. I don't really have to worry about what the other person is doing. It's really more about this frees up energy to actually achieve more. Yeah. And then the last thing, and this is now stemming from immediate defensiveness. Obviously, it's also, I think, tempting for us to label ourselves one thing across all domains, right? So it's like, I could be avoidant in caregiving of an illness.

And then if you call me for AA, I've got unlimited time for you. I think that's the promising part of this whole book, our versatility and our ability to sort of like to change, to understand, to accept certain things. And also knowing. So if you're not such a great person when you get sick, then why shouldn't I call someone else? Right. No, I'm serious. Why does one person have to do everything? Right, right, right. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, great. Amir, this is awesome. Please, everyone, check out Secure the Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life. This is just so encouraging and hopeful. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much for coming. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, it was fun, actually. Oh, good.

I was nervous about it. I enjoyed it. We aim to be fun. All right, be well. We hope you enjoyed this episode. Unfortunately, they made some mistakes. When's mom and dad arrive? They land at like 340.

Okay. Probably like 5, 5.30. L-A-X? There's no good Burbank. Mm-mm. Which is a sad. We got to expand Burbank. I know.

But only to the destinations we want. Yeah, because then it's going to become the same situation, which we don't. I will support an Atlanta route if you support a Nashville route. Yeah, there is a Nashville. They had one flight, one time to Atlanta out of Burbank. A single flight in the history? Yes, Callie and I took it home for Christmas. Was it Air Kmart?

No, it was Delta. Oh, it was Delta. Yeah, and it was like a lot of years ago. They tried it. I guess they decided it. I'm not going to call them out, but I am going to say what is really weird is how much these airlines jockey for quality. Like, if I go back 15 years ago, what I would have listed is like the best quality airline. Like the cleanest, most up to day, everything, that has shuffled dramatically.

And I don't really understand that. I want to know what forces make these ones that were kind of good, just tumble. Yeah. I guess it's management. Like, I'll just say someone at Delta has turned that thing into a real wonderful airline. It's a great airline. But I used to fly it nonstop. They absorb Northwest.

Right. And I always had to fly Northwest because Detroit was a hub for Northwest. Basically, the Northwest loved to fly anywhere where you might get snowed in and have to get a hotel room. Yeah. But, you know, it was just, it wasn't, you know, whatever. Well, Delta probably is, they took it. and they're like, we're making it good. I just want to tip my hat to them.

They're not a sponsor. I want to tip my hat. They have really up to their game, I think. They're not a sponsor, but they are my preferred airline. Except we did fly Emirates to India, and that... That was nice. It was really nice. That was nice.

Really, really nice. Are you excited about anything? It's a very exciting time for me. Oh, go ahead. MotoGP returned last weekend. Mm-hmm. So we had our first race of the year. after four months layoff.

And Formula One's been gone for three and a half months. They've been in their winter break. Right. And that returns this weekend. Oh. So I'm coming out of my three or four month fast of racing. And I'm pretty excited about it. That's fun.

Knowing that you don't have something like this, right, where it's multiple events over the course of a weekend. And I may or may not partake in all them, but just, knowing if I wanted, there's a lot of stuff on Friday I could check in with. Saturday's a big day. And then, of course, the race on Sunday. Yeah. That is, the power of having something to look forward to is gigantic. Yes, that's huge. Speaking of that, we really dropped the ball on the Olympics this year.

We didn't watch it. We didn't talk about it. We didn't do anything. That's upsetting. And, you know, I read a thing that it was the most viewed of, Olympics in like 16 years or something. What? I was a little shocked to see that, no, it was a hugely successful and watched Olympics.

I'm surprised by that too because I don't, not because I wasn't interested, but because no one I knew was talking about it at all. And even on podcasts and stuff, I wasn't like hearing about it. I tried, right? I was in Miami when they kicked off. Aaron and I were excited to consume some Olympics and do some napping while we did that because it's good napping material because there's a lot of downtime. It's like someone does a run and you hear a lot of talking waiting for scores, whatever. And so when I, this is terrible to admit, but when I checked in, I was having this feeling of like, because I was watching on YouTube TV, right, so I can see every single thing that's happening.

It's all there. And I'm like, did they take some events out of the Winter Olympics? Like, what is it I like? I liked snowboarding, aka Sean White. I loved watching him perform every year. That was an exciting thing. Okay. But I'm watching, like, the first thing I watched was people cross-country skiing for like

three hours. Yeah, it's on my face. I was like, I don't know. And then another one was like, they were kind of cross-country skiing, but there's a little bit of downhill. I was like, still, not very hair-raising. And I was like, what is my, I don't know. I got confused and then I just never. went back. Sure. I like ice skating. Right. A lot, but... I kind of even forgot about ice skating.

Ice skating is the main one for me. Yeah. I did watch a couple clips and there was a whole story about this Olympian who was in the Olympics, maybe a couple Olympics ago. And then she was really, really young and was mistreated and was like, you know what, I'm like not doing this anymore. She took life back into her own Yeah, good personal story. Yeah, and then she's back on her own, like, you know, two feet on the ice, yes. And she won. Oh, great. And it's like great.

And normally I'd be so into all of that, but. Yeah. I don't know what happened. I don't either, but I was sad in that I wasn't interested in it. Hockey was fun this year. There we go, Rob. Thanks. Yeah, that's what I should have been watching.

Hockey was. Yeah. Men and women, U.S. 1. Yeah, that's right. I did hear about that. Boys and girls. In overtime. It was the first time U.S.

beat Canada since... Yeah, see, all that's cool. And, like, and I didn't... I take away everything I just said. Well, no, you can't take away that you didn't care. I'm like, either did I. And I don't know why. My critique would have been to start day one with some more exciting stuff than the cross-country thing for three hours, maybe.

But I bet there are people riveted. buy cross-country skiing. Of course. There are. And there's people that watch the competitive walking. Yeah. There's people, there's a lid for every pot.

Yeah. I forgot to tell you the other day that something weird happened. I almost got in another person's car. Oh, tell me. It was strange. I was leaving a place with Jess. It was at night, and I had bad eyes. Uh-huh.

And I was a little sick. I don't know if that has anything to do with it. But we were walking and I start to get in his car. Mm-hmm. And he was like, that's not mine. And I was like, oh, silly me. Dolly. Yeah, silly me.

And then I'm walking up further. And, you know, there's his car with the light, like he had on. It's flashing the light. Yeah, he had unlocked it. So the lights come on. And so, like, go to get in the car. And then there's a man standing there. And he says, that's my.

car and I was like, oh, oh, oh my God, I'm so sorry. So you tried to get into two wrong cars. Yeah, I look over and just as across the street. You're on the wrong side of the street, Monica? Well, we were both on the wrong side. And then in that interim time when I saw the flashing lights and thought that was his, he had crossed. Were you tipsy?

It was not that. Okay. It was really not that. I was so, and I was like, what's going on? Yeah, because I, the. You lost me at wrong side of the street. Well, I think, like, you should have your bearings of what side of the street you guys parked on.

Mm. I get, I mean, I'm not very good at that. I don't know. We were both walking on that side. Okay. For a while, like, down the sidewalk. And then he just crossed in the middle. Uh-huh.

Where the car was, I guess. Nope, no, this. He dropped me off to get in line. Okay. See, I knew there was an explanation. I mean, you didn't remember what side of the street. the street you parked on, that's, that's alarming. Okay, that is something that might happen to me, just FYI.

I'm not good at directions. I'm not paying that much attention. If I'm not driving. Right, right. But he did drop me off to get in line. So I did not muscle memory know where the car was parked, that type of thing. Well, that explains that. Yeah, but it was still.

Otherwise, you're in Strokeville. Right, right, right, right. Well, anyway, it's just, he was right there. And he was like, that's my car. I was like, oh my God. I'm so sorry. I part next year's at your car at the SAG Night. Oh, SAG Awards.

Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It needs a wash. Is that what you were thinking? Nope. Okay, it really needs a wash. I just thought, look, these two handsome cars. Yeah.

Great. Very beautiful car. What are your plans with mom and dad? Yeah, my parents are coming today. I'm doing a tour of the rape treatment center. It's not funny. Okay. Well, you're laughing pretty hard.

It's not funny. I'm not, just for the record. is not funny at all. Right. But I am, I had planned to do that for a while. Okay. And I was like, oh, I can't cancel it. Like, that's, for one, bad.

Yeah. And two, I want to do it. And the, but it's like, I don't know that my parents. That might not be for them. Yeah, I don't know that. That's not like a fun. You're on vacation. Let's go to the.

Let's go toward the rape treatment center. Right. Yeah. I don't. And is it psychological treatment? That's what they're offering? Or? No, they offer physical, like, it's like, rate kits.

Yeah, like, it's kind of like instead of going to a hospital, you can go to the rate treatment center. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah. And it's, and it's, and there is like psychological resources and legal resources and things. Okay, great. It's a really cool thing.

So, uh, I am going to do that, but I think I'll probably leave them at home for that. Yeah, let them, you know, lounge around the house a little bit. Maybe that's when I'll take your dad out for a beer and ask him about his previous girlfriends. I always forgot my objective for this trip. Find out about past lovers for your parents. Remember I said I was going to ask them? Yeah. Their dating history.

I'm not sure. We're going to have time for that. Yeah, so I think that's really, we're just going to, like, be. They're very, very excited to see the house and stay in the house. because normally my apartment was so small, you know, they stayed in a hotel when they came to visit. And they would just come in and you get ready and you all leave to go somewhere. Yeah, exactly. Now your mom can watch her YouTube.

Should she will. Yeah. She'll watch her YouTube. I wonder what she's got her fangs into right now. I wonder. Is there any trials going on? I mean, I'm sure she is very knowledgeable on everything that's going on with Epstein. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

So that's probably the main thing she's consuming right now would be my guess. Yeah. But I don't really know. I will find out. Yeah. And yeah, and they'll get to, like, go make their coffees and stuff. And it'll be really nice. It'll be really nice to have them.

I did my final walkthrough of the apartment today. To turn it back over? Yeah. What's that experience like? It was good. I mean, it was good. It was sad. It's sad to say bye to something.

and the chapter. Yeah. It was also weird because it's empty and I haven't seen it like that since I got it. And I was like, oh, yeah. Like, I remember going to see it. And Lincoln came with me, I remember. Oh, for the first walkthrough. Yeah, to go check it out.

And that was a long time ago. I thought, I know you already know this, but I was sad to leave our old house. Yeah. And I thought I was going to be really sad. And then we left and I've never thought about it again. I've been shocked with the fact that I don't think about it at all. Yeah. Because it held a very, it's like the epicenter of some of my favorite memories and experiences.

Yeah. I have such warm feelings about it. But I don't at all miss it. I know. And I thought I was going to. But don't you think that's kind of in keeping with my personality? Yeah. Because like same thing with relationships.

Like you still have an affinity. You like love the time and the people. But you're not like an at, you're not like missing them. I mean, you've told me that maybe that's incorrect. but elaborate. Give me an example. I guess that's just something you've told me that like you don't yearn for any past relationship. I don't yearn to be romantically involved. Romantically involved with any of my exes, but I still love being friends with them.

Yeah, that's what I just said. You still love the people. Oh, I thought you were saying that when I walk away that they're dead to me and I don't ever think about them again. No, but that you still have an affinity and a fondness and there's like all these positive associations and you, you look. love them as people, but yeah, you're not like, oh, like, you don't miss them. I don't want to kiss. Well, no, I miss them as friends, but I don't want to kiss them. I was always saying this in reference to a lot of people have a pattern of hooking up with exes. Right. Which is great.

I don't care about it. I'm not suggesting I have a moral position on it. No, no. I just have not had that. Right. I've not had a pattern of hooking up with my ex-girlfriends. Yeah. That part to me when we sever has dies.

It's over. Yes. The romantic part. Yeah. But the friendship part and the missing them and wanting to connect with them, for sure I still have that. Right. I'll randomly carry my girlfriend in high school I was for like five years. She will, she knows what she and I love the same kind of music.

She'll find a new album and she'll send it to me. Yeah. And I love it. And then we'll have like seven exchanges about. it. And I go, oh, Carrie's still so fun and so engaged in devouring life and finding new things. And I'm proud of her. She's maintained the essence of who she was when I met her that I found so appealing about her. Yeah. And then I'll talk to Bree and she's on fire for innumerable things. Second time I've said innumerable, which is questionable. Maybe it's your new

word. I hope not. And I get this swell of excitement that she is still held on. to that sparkly curiosity. Yeah. But that's different. That's different than what I'm, than what a lot of people feel. Like that there's a tug. But I do have what you're saying about objects,

which kind of shocks me because I have coveted objects so much my whole life. Uh-huh. And then when I don't have them, I don't think about them anymore. Right. Which is a little shocking to me because I wanted them so bad or I coveted them. so bad. And then when they're gone, I'm like, I don't even really remember that I cared. A lot objects. That house is a big, big object. It is. And it's like, it's, it's symbolic. It's a marker

of your life and in your accomplishments. Yeah. It can represent so much. It does. And then I see videos of the kids playing in that little area we had between the kitchen and the living room. Yeah. That was like their zone. Yeah. And I go, oh, yeah, I love sitting on the couch and watching them be little babies. Yeah. But I don't need to walk back in there. That's the weird part. Yeah.

It wasn't like, I wasn't like, oh, like I wasn't like devastated, but I was like, yeah, this is like the end of the era. Yeah. That's happy and sad. Yeah. Just when new things start, it's like, yeah, there's no going back. Like there's no, it's just, it's just a reminder that like time keeps moving and you can't pause.

you can't go back. And that's, you know. We have a guest today after this fact check whose book is about consciousness. Yeah. And so I'm really locked into this book and thinking about life and consciousness. And yeah, many of the experts that he interviewed for this book try to explain that, like, thought is, there was a traditional way of thinking, which is like René DeVos. cart, which is like, I think therefore I am in thoughts are one thought built to top another,

and it's kind of one thing leads to another. And there's other people who think more like it's a stream. There's no marker of this thought led to this thought. There's just this. And you'll never have the same thought or consciousness ever again is a fascinating thing. And it's what you're saying. It's like life's moving forward and it's taking with. it, everything that preceded it. And so it can't ever be the same because more things are

preceding it. And the way we rewrite memories every time we think of them. Like your brain's evolving nonstop. Your experience on Earth is evolving nonstop. And that can feel scary and maybe untethered. But it is the nature and facts of life. And I think the discomforts when you're fighting that. Right. I think. it's, it's, you can feel on Tether, but you're also just reminded of mortality. It's like, oh, yeah, like that phase is over. Now I'm in this phase. There'll be another.

And how many more do I have? Not very, who knows? And we know the ultimate phase. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. So, but, and then sort of ding, ding, ding with relationships, probably like people who do hook up with their exes and stuff.

Like, it's probably more about that. Like wanting to go back in time as opposed to like, I miss this person. I mean, maybe obviously. It's a million reasons why. But I bet a lot of it is like I miss me then. I miss that time of my life and that person is connected to that time. So I want to like click into that. Yeah.

And I think, yes, that's the Esther thing, which I love. Yeah, yeah. People are cheating on you with themselves. They want to visit a version of themselves from the past. Yeah. But I think the easy cycle to get into with going back to X's is with some time away when you come back, you can revisit the initial easy uncomplicated phase of it. And that is very pleasurable. But the complications arise immediately after.

But I think you succumb to the joy of getting to relive the part that was easy, the falling in love part. Yeah. And then I just think quickly it ends up exactly what it always is. Yeah. And I think that's the cycle that's appealing. It's like, oh, I want to go back to the original moment. Right. We fell in love and it was so easy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Complicated. Complicated. Should we do some facts? Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. Okay. A mirror attachment.

Had you read this book? I mean, this book was wildly popular. So popular. The original book. I had not read it. I had just heard so much about it. You had. And I looked into the theories and stuff.

I wasn't aware of the book. I was aware that people were talking about attachment theory a lot. Yeah. But I just assume that's in the same way people are talking about ADHD or whatever. That was just the thing we were. Obsessed with it. But I didn't realize there was such a specific origin for it all. Yeah.

I find it very interesting. intriguing. You do. Yes. Yeah, I talked about it. Yeah. I found myself talking about it a bit. It's just interesting that we all do have ways of relating to others that are kind of predictable and well worn.

I thought the thing that I was most interested in is I love anything that's counterintuitive, which is your attachment style as a child has nothing to do with your attachment style as an adult. Yeah. I would have thought it just led into your permanent, may set this. Attachment style. Totally, yes. Yeah. I thought that too. It made me think about a couple people in my life that have very secure attachments.

Uh-huh. And I was like, huh, yeah, they don't, they're not threatened. They're totally chill. Not taking stuff personal. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty admirable. Yeah.

Okay. Now, he told the story of his dad, like, you know, throwing the penny or the coin when the president was in town. Oh, uh-huh. And I was trying to figure out which president it was. And I can't figure out Amir's age. That's not known on the internet? I didn't, I couldn't, I didn't see it on the internet.

Maybe Rob, maybe you'll see it. But I didn't see it. So my guess is going to be it was in the 90s. Yeah, no public information. How on earth could you be alive in the era of the internet and your age not be known? Is he 50 around there, you think? Because there's an Amir Levine born on April 22nd, 1975. So he would have probably been talking.

about Reagan or Carter. If it was in the 80s, but if it was in the 90s could have been Clinton. But he would have been more a teenager. Right. Versus a little boy? Yeah, I couldn't tell exactly his age. I mean, I guess he was small enough that he was a little anxious. Carter visited in 79.

So four years old? Yeah, four years old if he was born in 75. Maybe. Maybe. Clinton started his visits in 94. Where was he visiting? Israel. Oh, Israel.

The 1980s saw high-level diplomatic tension, particularly under Reagan, with key meetings occurring in D.C. rather than Israel. Oh, okay. So maybe he didn't really go there. Right. I'm sure Carter went there. Yeah, he did. He visited in 79.

Yeah. He went to a bunch of places presidents hadn't gone in a long time. He was known for that. From Georgia. Peanut Farmer. Yep. This says no U.S. president made an official state visit to Israel during the 1980s.

It said Carter 79 and then Clinton in 94. Oh boy, big gap, 14 years. Yeah. We're going to go with Carter. We're sticking with Carter. That's our final guess. Yep.

Primates, middle of the food chain. Primates generally occupy the middle of the food chain, acting as both consumers of plants, insects, and as prey for larger predators. I wanted to figure out top of the food chain.

If it goes by continent, I'd like to guess. Okay. We can do environment. Okay. You can also do Apex Predators, another search. Apex predators are at the top of the food chain is the first thing it says. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. So in Africa, that continent, I think it's the lion. And then in the subcontinent, India, I think it's the tiger. In fact, I think it's the tiger through all of Asia. Okay. And into Russia, except for the polar bear in the Arctic, I think is the apex predator. And then I think in the Americas, it's the grizzly bear. Okay.

Okay. Although we also have polar bears in the Americas, but. So this. And then in South America, I would say it's the jaguar. All right. Well, this says apex predators are at the top of the food chain acting as a highest tropic level, trophic level with no natural predators. In various ecosystems, these include lions, tigers, polar bears, orcas, and great white sharks. Humans are also considered top predators capable of affecting or being

the absolute peak of many food chains. Now, this also breaks it down by environment. Land, lions, tigers, wolves, polar bears, and grizzly bears. Grizzlies. Ocean, orcas, great white sharks and leopard seals. Air, bald eagles, golden eagles, and other large raptors. Yeah, raptors. I love raptors. Reptiles, saltwater crocodiles, and Komodo dragons. Oh, boy, I see. Oh, my gosh.

Tell me about him. I guess you're with a saliva is nasty. Camolo. Oh. Camomolo. He loves her stinky mouths. Oh, I guess you can smell them from quite a distance. Oh.

Foul, bacterial-laden jaws become poison. Speaking of that, have you noticed that there's, like, somebody in your life who has not good breath? As we've discussed, I'm very sensitive, hyper-sensitive to bad breath. But it's like, it's bad, but it's not like, it's not. Objectively offensive. Yeah. And so it's like, I kind of think I'm the only one who noticed. this. And it's an unexpected person. I'm not going to say who. Okay, great. I don't think anyone else

thinks this. I've never been, no one's ever said it. Gossiped about it. Exactly. No one's ever said anything to me alluding to the fact that that's the case. Yeah. And, but yet, it is repetitive for me. It's rough. I mean, I had a friend who I could stop going to the movies with. I couldn't just sitting next to them at the movies, all I could smell was their breath. And I just was like, I can't do it. I blame me, but I couldn't do it. I know. And I just wonder, though, is it pheromones? I... Why can't you guys smell when I'm smelling?

I think obviously we all smell different things and we're as sensitive to different odors. I mean, again, I see people who are in relationships with people who I think have wretched breath and I think, well, they can't smell it. Right. There's no way. I know. Because they're kissing and loving and right. I know. Yeah, I don't think...

Or they're just not sensitive to smell, period. Yeah. Because I just think like, I just, I can't, it's a deal breaker for me. Same. Yeah. But I just wonder also if it's actually more, is breath actually? I mean, maybe there's, there's obviously halitosis. There's some objective stuff.

But maybe the rest of it is just pheromones. Well, I also think there's certain medical conditions that give you kind of a predictable outcome. And I'm going to leave it at that. Well, yeah. I just, I just, I was somewhere and I had already thought it. And will it impact what kind of activities you do with the person? Because there's certain things where it's not an issue. Yeah.

And there are others where, like, again, the movies, you're sitting like, your mouths and noses are, what, 18 inches apart. Right. And so that might be a non-starter. Like, I love this person, but I'm just not going to go to the movies with them. That was my decision. Yeah, that's interesting. I, um. And then there's also, there's the case, too, where someone's, they have that.

And then they also tend to talk close. and you're constantly trying to keep your distance, and then you wonder if it's obvious. I think the only one I'm unsympathetic to or unforgiving of is, I think when you're a dentist, you've got to be on it. Like, no one's ever been on their breath. Yes, we've talked about this. Because they are in your nose.

They work in your nose. But they normally, they often, the hygienists often have masks on. That doesn't fucking do a goddamn thing. If you have shit breath and you got a little paper between there, forget it. That's not, no way. Have your friend wearing. a mask. Just make up a reason why it's cute if they were a mask and see. You're still going to smell it. It's not that strong. That's the thing. It's not like. You're making a mountain out of a molehill.

I mean, no, I just, I've just noticed it many times. And I just wonder if anyone else has noticed it. And I don't think they have, which has just led me to believe, oh, this is something like, pheromonal. It's me. You're like, it's me. Yeah. It's, it's. Which again, is popular. Well, it's not me. It's the way I, it's the way, yeah, my nose perceives. Yeah, I'm smelling an odor here that other people don't smell. In which case, I'm saying it's you. Well, right. I mean. Like you're the anomaly. I'm the anomaly. I think, yeah. Yeah. But I don't actually know. Maybe I'm not. Maybe you could ask around. I could ask around. It feels really mean to do that. Oh, man. I couldn't feel worse for someone who just can't.

help it. I mean, my God, I really feel terrible. It's also because it's a specific, it is a specific smell. A note. Yeah, it's a note. So I know in that case, it is, it is a little pheromonal because it's not like, oh, this person ate something a second ago or something. They don't smell like a hot dog. They smell like their body. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. It's very interesting. You should ask if you can smell their armpits and their groin to see if it's consistent everywhere. I mean,

this is a very, this. Do you think people with better, the more secure attachment styles don't smell orders as much? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I think everything just ticks up. Sure. When you were listening at all this stuff, did you self-assess as being

any part of this spectrum? Oh, yeah. We talked about it in the in the episode. I definitely feel like I have an anxious attachment. Anxious attachment. And you were saying you felt like you did lean a little avoidant. When I was young. Mm-hmm.

But the more I read about it, I was like, I think I'm secure attachment. I think that's what I felt in general after learning all about the thing. Yeah. But then I thought, oh, no, I used to be avoided. And then I think, yeah, you can change. Yeah. Just like the stuff I don't take person. Like, again, back to like the Instagram stuff, all this kind of stuff that drives people nuts.

Right. that I know that just I don't even think about. Yeah. Or getting invited to things or all that kind of stuff. I don't. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we can find out.

Is there a test? Yes. I know I can count on my friends to be there for me if I'm going through a rough time. And we got our normals. Agree, strongly agree. Neutral. Disagree. Strongly disagree.

I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for my loved ones. Strongly disagree. I feel uncomfortable when my friends or family act like they rely on me. What's the middle? Neutral. Yeah. And then there's disagree and agree and then strongly. I would say neutral.

Okay. Again, that has evolved. Right. I used to feel burdened by that. Yeah. And now I feel lucky as much as I feel burden. So that puts me at neutral. Okay.

I always make the first move, but usually become disinterested after I get what I want. I disagree. Disagree. Yeah. I know I can be my true self in relationships once I have enough time to get comfortable. 100%. I sometimes hold back on relationships because I feel that if I share too much, about myself, I might get hurt.

I wish. Strongly disagree. I tend to worry that my loved ones don't love me as much as I love them. Strongly disagree. I consider myself a good friend and a good partner. Strongly agree. I stay away from long-term relationships. No, I've had nothing but long-term relationships.

So strongly disagree? Mm-hmm. Okay, being alone sometimes scares me. I strongly disagree. Although, you know, I did, I experienced great boredom last week being alone on a Saturday night. Oh. Because I had to Christmas doing to play and Lincoln had a play date. So at first I was like, cool.

I had my whole night to myself. And then I watched like three episodes of fallout in a row. And I was like, I want to be with somebody. Oh. I was like, I'm bored with just myself watching the show. Interesting. Yeah. I was like, I am tragically social.

Yeah. It hit me. I like going out with friends and family, but I still value my purpose. personal time and space. I mean, I prefer being out with people than I do by myself, but I'm not afraid to be myself. I don't know. What does that make me? You do value your personal time and space.

You're always like, why are there so many people here? Oh, space. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So. So what does that mean? I agree. I agree.

I think you agree. Okay, I'll agree. I don't like relying on others and that way I avoid getting disappointed. Uh, agree. I find it to-you-you-you-huh. Yeah, I got to be honest. I think it's too late. Okay.

That's fine. I find it difficult to express love even when I feel it. Strongly disagree. I prefer casual flings and serious relationships. Disagree. I avoid arguments with my partner's friends or family to avoid the chance of losing them. Strongly disagree. Sometimes I want to be completely alone and then suddenly change to feeling like I need around people.

Well, that just happens, Sarah and I. Agree. I never make the first move in a potential relationship for fear of being rejected. Strongly disagree. My friends and family often tell me that they feel like they don't really know me. Oh, never. Strongly disagree. If my partner went on a trip without me, I'd miss them, but would ultimately be happy that they're having fun.

Strongly agree. A big portion of my self-esteem and self-worth comes from my relationships with other people. Oh, strongly agree. Sometimes when I feel like I'm getting too close to someone, I get scared and start to push them, pushing them away. Strongly disagree. I feel bad when my loved ones do things without inviting me. Disagree. I trust that the people I love want what's best for me.

The people that love me? I trust that the people I love want what's best for me. Agree. I much prefer being alone, but I'll attend social engagements if I'm required to. Disagree. Even when things get tough, I feel confident that my partner will support me and will work through challenges together. Strongly agree. I often find myself over-analizing interactions with my partner, wondering if they truly understand my feelings and intentions. Disagree. Sometimes I push people away when they get too close, even though deep down I crave connection and intimacy. Strongly disagree.

It's hard for me to relax in relationships because I'm always worrying about whether my loved ones truly care about me. Strongly disagree. I prefer to keep my emotions to myself believing that vulnerability only leads to unnecessary complications and potential disappointment. Can I go neutral on that one? I enjoy spending time with my friends and family knowing that we can share both good times and bad times with each other. Strongly agree. It's really funny to answer these questions in my mind because I have like two different families. Which one are we talking about? Are we talking about the family I created or the one I was born into? Right. I feel uncomfortable when people get too emotionally close to me. I value my independence and personal space.

Emotionally dependent on me? That was part of the question? I feel uncomfortable when people get too emotionally close to me. I value my independence. Okay, I disagree. Okay. Knowing that I have a strong support system of friends and family gives me the confidence to tackle life's challenges

with optimism and resilience. I disagree. I worry that if I show vulnerability or express my needs and relationships, I'll end up being rejected or abandoned. I go neutral. I appreciate the balance between independence and closeness in my relationships,

allowing me to pursue my own interests while still feeling connected to others. Strongly agree. I often find myself feeling anxious about the state of my relationships, constantly seeking reassurance from my partner or friends to alleviate my doubts. Strongly disagree. I prefer to handle my problems on my own rather than relying on others for support or advice. Agree.

Maybe styes, yeah, yeah. My mind often races with thoughts about potential conflicts or misunderstandings in my relationships, making it difficult to fully enjoy moments of connection without worrying about the future. Strongly disagree. When I face challenges, I feel reassured knowing that. that my friends will offer their support and encouragement without judgment. Neutral. I tend to seek constant validation from my friends and romantic partners to reassure myself of their love and commitment.

Well, that's a tricky one, because I definitely like endless validation, but it's not to reassure myself that they like me. So I'm going to go neutral. I just enjoy validation. I tend to downplay the importance of romantic relationships in my life focusing instead of my individual goals and interests. Disagree. Despite craving intimacy and connection, I struggle to fully trust others and often find myself. holding back out of fear of being hurt or abandoned. Strongly disagree.

I value the mutual trust and respect to my relationships, which allows me to be my authentic self without fear of rejection. Strongly agree. Spending quality of time with loved ones fills me with a sense of warmth and security, knowing that we have each other's backs no matter what. Strongly agree. I have a tendency to push people away when they try to get close to me fearing that allowing them in will only lead to disappointment or betrayal.

Strongly disagree. Despite my efforts, I struggle to shake off the feeling of insecurity that lingers in my mind, questioning whether I'm truly valued and loved by those closest to me. Disagree. I find it challenging to open up to others about my innermost thoughts and feelings, preferring to maintain a sense of distance to protect myself from potential rejection. Disagree. The fear of rejection or betrayal sometimes prevents me from fully investing in relationships,

leaving me feeling stuck in a cycle of longing for connection while simultaneously fearing it. Strongly disagree. Independence is important to me and I prioritize maintaining autonomy and my relationships, often avoiding becoming too reliant on others for emotional support or validation. agree. I have to pay. I'm going to do it. Don't do it. It's $195. Just a one-off? They're tricky. That was smart. They let you do the whole task. I know. That's a feel betrayed. Is it his website? I don't think so. Oh, no, American Express is not supported. Yeah, I bet people. Shit. I have to get my other card. Wow. Yeah, we have to know. I think we know. You don't think we know?

It's a fact check. Okay. Oh, secure. Your attachment style is secure. Secondary fearful. Oh. The secure attachment style serves as the bedrock for healthy and fulfilling relationships, characterized by a strong sense of trust, emotional security,

and a balanced approach to both intimacy and independence. Individuals with a secure attachment style have typically experienced consistent and responsive caregiving during their early years, fostering a foundational belief in the availability and reliability of others in times of need. Okay. I guess myself this time. my self-assessment was right that's right yours goes 57.5% secure 18.2% fearful 16.7% dismissive 7.6% preoccupied okay interesting interesting well that was fun um who did the marshmallow test

walter michel there's another one I've been repeating finding out that the marshmallow test isn't real. Yeah. I mean, it's a real test, but it, the conclusions aren't. That's right. Yeah. Boy, it's incredible to think how much work has been built on the shoulders of that. I know. That's not right. It's scary a little bit. The human brain consumes roughly 20% of the body's total resting energy, about 260 to 300 calories per day, despite representing only 2% of body weight. That's it. That's it? Yes. Well, I enjoyed Amir. Me too. We'll die with a great mystery of how old he is.

Yeah. Anyway, yeah, Mir was great. Love you. Love you.