Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Accidentally Naked

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a time they accidentally ended up naked. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Mr. Mouse. Hi. Hi. Today we have accidentally naked.

Yes. What a topic for me. I just love it. It was fun. It was more tame than we anticipated. Yes, but still exciting. Yeah. Yeah.

I live to see public nudity. When I happen to bump into some public nudity, I feel so blessed. What a rare occurrence. It depends. Go ahead. Well, I know you don. What a rare occurrence. It depends. Go ahead. Well, I know you don't like it when it's like people on the street. And I don't either. I'm going to meet you there.

Right. I don't. I like it when I feel safe and comfortable. Right, right, right. But if you see it at the beach or something or a dance floor or at work. Yeah, if you're at the dance floor and something accidentally falls off, it feels exciting. Like if Rob stood up and his whole outfit somehow came off, I mean, what a blessing that would be.

Yeah, I wouldn't like it for Rob. I would feel vicarious. I would hate it for Rob. I'd feel very bad for him if he was embarrassed. But if he felt great and proud, then I would be really happy for Rob. Do the salt burn dance around the edit? That's a great dance, by the way. I wonder how many times they shot that.

It was a long, steady shot. Yeah, it was. Okay, well, this one is safe to listen to unless nudity makes you puke. And then if it does, you shouldn't listen. Yep. But otherwise, if you like nudity, this is the one for you. Please enjoy Accidentally Naked. All times come and go.

Good times take them slow. Accidentally Naked. Accidentally Naked. This will be fun. Okay, great. Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing. It's so gloomy out. Uh-oh, sad. It's hitting. I'm sorry.

Okay, you can't control the weather. I'm going to shine a light in your window. Good morning. How are you? Good. How are you guys? Sorry, I had some technical difficulties there. That's very normal.

Almost everyone has them. Well, I forgot to unmute, so it's my technical difficulty. Yeah. What exciting red hair you have. Thank you very much. Would we call it red? Well, yeah, it's red. You can ask me if it's natural, and my response to that is usually, it said natural red on the box. Okay, right. Also, what kind of question is that? Is it natural? Yeah. Unless you're going to be a comedian and say, does the carpet match the drapes?

There's some comedic value in that. That's old. Okay. It's retired? I think that's a retired one. It's not, though. I get it all the time. Oh, you do?

Yeah, all the time. Okay, okay, okay. Well, I'm going to tread lightly because this is a sensitive topic. Oh, sure. Yeah, and I don't want to start anyone with their guard up. But Jennifer, where are you in the country? I am in Dayton, Ohio. Oh, sure.

Right off I-75. You got some famous folks from Dayton, right? Chappelle? Yep, Chappelle. We claim that we're the birthplace of aviation, but there's other places that claim that as well. Well, because the Wright brothers were from Dayton, Ohio. Yep. That counts.

I think their bicycle shop was in Ohio, wasn't it, originally? Yeah, I've been there many times. Also go to Cedar Point quite often. Sandusky in the house. Yeah. Do you go up to Detroit? That's not far. Yeah, my best friend lives in Ann Arbor, so up there a lot.

Okay. Is your best friend a professor? No, she's a massage therapist, actually. Okay. What a fun best friend. I wish my best friend was a massage therapist. But do you get any free massages? Oh, yeah.

Oh. Is it a labor exchange? Do you provide her any services? Yes, I bake. Oh, what a great friendship. Good duo. Cookies for massage. Okay, alas, this is an episode about being nude on accident, which

I can't imagine there's a boring story that leads up to that moment of nudity in public. No. So this happened back in 2005. I worked for a very large internet service provider at the time. I'm not going to name names. AOL. No. But actually, I was pretty new to the company. I had worked very hard to impress everyone. I landed a really large account, had supported that account really, really well. And I found out that I was nominated to be part of our company's Summit of Leaders, which is basically like an annual trip. They usually send you somewhere tropical, somewhere fancy. My husband and I have been married for about five years and we never had taken a honeymoon, had never taken a cool trip together.

So we were super, super excited. Found out it was at a nice resort in Puerto Rico, all expenses paid. We got to the resort, walked to the beach. We couldn't even believe that this was our life. Yes. This was something that we could not have otherwise been able to afford. This is the first time my husband, who hails from Canada, had been on a beach at all. Oh my gosh. We decided right then and there, let's make the most of this trip. Drinking by the pool, nice dinners, massages, all of that good stuff. And we had trekked to a different beach one day and we noticed a sign to rent wave runners. This is going to sound strange, but neither one of us had ever done that before. Best idea is to start out right in the ocean. Yes, exactly. Not in a

lake. Let's get you in the ocean on one of these 300 horsepower death rockets. But again, once in a lifetime, we're going to live it up. So we decided, let's go for it. We half listened to the instructions that were given to us. We headed out. Hubby was not being remotely careful. Well, you said he's Canadian. Yeah, so there's that. Had he done some snowmobiling? He's like, oh, I know this.

This is snowmobiling on the water. That's exactly what he said. He said, trust me, I've done this on a snowmobile. Same throttle, thumb throttle. He knows what he's doing. His first time on the beach and he's like, I got this. I know exactly what to do. So I am looking to the shore.

I'm waving at people. There's a group of people that have assembled kind of watching us out there. And out of nowhere, we hit the big wave. Oh, yeah. I was not holding on very tightly to the hubby. And unfortunately, I flew way into the air, completely off and right into the sea. Oh, wow. You know, we were pretty far out at this point. So there was a level of panic and terror.

I was like, are there sharks? How far out are we? How am I going to get back on? Yeah, they're not the easiest vessel to reboard. Well, especially when neither one of us realized to turn the vessel off to reboard. He manages to kind of keep it still. But the problem is, as I'm trying to reboard, the jets are pushing me further and further away. So I'd get a little close, get pushed back. Get a little close, get pushed back.

I have a good sense of what's gonna happen next i'm panicked i look and thankfully the company we rented from had actually sent a lifeguard out on his own wave runner to come get me great i'm anxiously awaiting he hands me a rope to tow me in i'm just hanging on to this rope and just having the ride of my life well real quick jennifer he's gonna drag you all the way back to shore. He's not going to try to get you on one of the skis. No, I was so exhausted at that point from the fight of my life to get on the other one. Yeah.

I think he just saw my exhaustion and said, just hang on. I'm going to tow you in. Drag you back. We get closer and closer to the shore. I look up and I noticed the group of people that I had noticed before on the beach. They're cheering, they're clapping. And I'm thinking, is this for me? And then as we get nearer, I kind of recognize some of these people. Literally my company's entire senior leadership team had been standing on the beach watching this whole debacle.

And I mean, they were rooting for me to get back on that thing. They were cheering. They were so excited that I was rescued. So we're talking the CEO of the company, and this is a large internet company, right? The CEO, the CFO, all the big shots. So, you know, I'm a little bit embarrassed, but I thought, I'm just a nobody at this company. These folks are not going to remember me. They're not going to know who I am. It's fine. They think it's a stranger, whatever.

So I get far enough to stand up, and all of a sudden, I become very obvious to the fact that my bathing suit has completely fallen off me. Still had the bottom intact. Okay, okay, okay. Just topless. Okay. So there's that. But my double Ds were on full display. Oh, God.

Oh, those lucky observers. The excited clapping turned to complete and utter shock. And all I could do was just hurry up, put the swimsuit back on. I literally booked it back to our room. I mean, it was probably a good mile away. I just ran. You just deserted your husband. We'll regroup in the room.

Oh, I did. You know, again, I'm thinking, oh, no big deal. These people don't know who I am. Again, bright red hair. I'm pretty recognizable. And the funny thing, too, was I should have known immediately because the lifeguard just had a tremendous smile on his face. He's so happy. And I tried to say something to him and thank him. He didn't speak English. So it was just, you know, smiling and nodding. I got back to the room. I talked it up to, okay,

they're not going to know who I am for the remainder of this trip. And we had a lot of team functions and company dinners. Literally every single person on the leadership team came up, introduced themselves, knew me by name at this point, shook my hand and said, way to go. Wow. You've provided a great service for the company. We all have something to talk about now. We hope something eventful will happen at these retreats. And you have given us that.

I even received a room credit from the CFO with a nice little card saying thanks for the show. Oh, okay. Oh boy. And what year was this again? This is 05. Yeah, this wouldn't happen now. Everyone would have to pretend like they didn't see. Yeah, yeah. It shouldn't have happened then, really. Exactly. It should never have happened. So I actually am still at this company today. Oh, wow. Congrats to them. So I always wonder, did I get promoted and remain because of that incident? I mean, literally every time I've gone to headquarters, they all still know me.

Oh, boy. Come say hi. So I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. It was certainly mortifying for me, but I guess it worked out. I was going to ask, has it become legend at these retreats? Like people will go like, oh, this one time in 2005, this gal ended up nude. She drug in from the sea. Literally, there have been toasts to the effect of, now keep your top on, Jen.

Oh, okay. All right. Enough. Enough, guys keep your top on, Jen. Oh, okay. Okay, all right. Enough, enough, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough, guys. That's unfortunate. I actually think the funniest part is that you would get close and then get pushed out. Visually, that's hilarious.

Yeah, it's a set piece in a comedy, yeah. It reminded me a lot of the recent treadmill story, right? Yes, that's exactly what I'm thinking about. The spin cycle. On the march back to your room, were you like, this fucking Canuck husband of mine had no business. He should have seen that wave. Why didn't he tell me to pull my bathing suit off? What the hell?

Did he get the brunt of all that? Very much so. I think there was probably a 24-hour period of no talking on this lovely vacation. To be expected. I think he knew immediately just the fact that he couldn't get me back on that thing, that he was already in trouble for that. Yeah. Yeah.

A little different on a snowmobile. You just stand up, and then you sling your leg right over it. It is different. Yeah. And there's no loss of clothing. No. Well, at least hopefully not. If you've lost your snowmobile suit, you've been in an accident that's going to have you in there's no loss of clothing. No. Well, at least hopefully not. If you've lost your snowmobile suit, you've been in an accident that's going to have you in the ER.

Knock on wood. Okay, knock on wood, snowmobile suit. Jennifer, what a great story. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, and the fact that it was in front of all your new employers, it really heightens the stakes. I got to say this, and Monica, you'll appreciate this. Dax, you are my Matt Damon. Oh, Jennifer. Come on. I'm trying so hard to keep it

cool, but like this is so amazing for me. I had no idea. Yeah. You're playing it very cool. Yeah. Cool girls know how to be cool. I try to be cool, but yeah, I have been such a fan for so long. Like I literally fell in love with you during parenthood. Oh, thank you. Just wow. This is amazing. And Monica, I love you to death. Oh, thank you. Well, we loved getting to meet you. As my neighbor to the south in Ohio, go Buckeyes.

Happy to get to talk to you. Also, we have the same breast size, so that's fun for us. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Congrats, ladies. And just one more thing. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. He is an addict. And you and Kristen have really been a support system for us.

We're hanging in there, keeping it going, taking it a day at a time. And I owe a lot of that to you and you guys being so open and honest with your struggles. Oh, thank you. That makes me really happy. All right. Well, Jennifer, great meeting you. And thanks for that wonderful story. Of course, guys. Have a good rest of the day. Okay. All right. Well, Jennifer, great meeting you. And thanks for that wonderful story. Of course, guys.

Have a good rest of the day. Okay. Take care. Hi. Hello, Jill. Oh, look at this fort you made. Yeah, what a great fort. Thank you.

I tried really hard for Monica. It's gorgeous. I was very stressed about the fort. Then I cleaned the rest of my house. Just in case you wanted to, I don't know, take a look around. Go on a tour. Now, based on the structure of this fort, it does look like you could have employed the help of some six or seven year olds. It definitely screams child fort. It really does. It's beautiful. We'll go with that. Let's bring children into it instead of me just making this super janky for them.

I really like it. I like that you've pulled the two bar back chairs up to get a little height. I was really hoping you wouldn't notice that. Yeah, no, it's great. It's really good. Bar back chairs, yes. Is that what we call them, Monica? Help me out.

Bar stools? Well, bar stools don't have a back, though. Oh. Right? They're stools. Okay. Yeah, bar back. But then if it was bar backools don't have a back, though. Oh. Right? They're stools. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, bar back.

But then if it was bar back, wouldn't it go behind the bar? Well, a bar back is someone helping the bartender. So that is confusing. Yeah. But I said bar back chairs. I think it's bar stools with a back. Bar stool sports. Jill, where are you in the country?

I got you guys into an argument. You think that's an argument? Also, you shouldn't feel that proud of yourself. All you gotta do is open a window and let a breeze blow through. It's so easy. Where are you though? Right now I am in Alameda, California. Where's Alameda? North? Uh-oh. Is that a place you don't know? You're offended. I'm so excited. No, I'm happy. So it is right across the bridge to the Bay Area and it's right next to Oakland. It's an island.

Oh, no shit. The bridge stops. There's an exit. Are you commuting by ferry? You can do ferry, a bus, or cars. But yeah, there is definitely a bridge across that you have to take. Cool. And if the zombie apocalypse comes, they're going to just put the bridges up and no one can get in.

Wow. You're well suited for that. Thank you. Okay, so Jill, not to thin slice and put you into a box, but at first glance, I don't assume you've been accidentally naked in public. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, I think it is. Like, you look put together and responsible. I look like a mom who would have a kid that would make an effort.

Yes, absolutely. No, I have 1,000% been naked in a very, very public place. Oh, please. We can't wait to hear. Please tell us. Let me set the scene. So it's 1990. Perfect.

Yes, so pre-cell phone. So let's all just like, whew, on that one. And it is Bali, actually. Oh my gosh. How does one end up in Bali in 1990? You're young. I was really young. I was 21 and I was working for a club med type of place.

It's called Pacific Islands Club in Saipan in the Marianas Islands. And I was in their kind of club mate. It sounds like playmate. It's not. Teaching archery, aerobics, et cetera. This seems like a dream job for a 21-year-old. Yeah, it's not perfect. It was an amazing, amazing job. I learned how to drink on Saipan. It was great. I also started traveling. I wanted to be like a really cool world traveler. And Saipan, which is in the middle of the Marianas, is really close to a lot of different places. So I decided to go with my boyfriend at the time to Bali. And have you ever been to Bali?

Yes, one time in 1997. So you know about Ubud. Perhaps. What is Ubud? Great. Thank you for asking. So Ubud is the monkey forest. So it's called the monkey forest or the monkey temple. So it's a huge tourist place with over

600 monkeys just kind of roaming around. They're really tame. You know, you can feed them if you want. I'm mad I didn't go there. I wish I had. You still have a chance. And maybe after this story, you may not feel like it. I go to the entrance and there's all these tourists, of course, and then local people selling things. And there's a beautiful little girl that comes up to me. She looks to be like four or five. And she hands me this necklace. And I'm like, great.

And so it's got beads or beans or seeds or something on it. And so I put it around my neck and I give her some money and she's happy and she walks away and I'm happy because I've done this amazing benevolent deed. And so I go deep into the forest and that's where all the monkeys are. And the monkeys kind of take a look at me and one monkey comes over and he's a medium-sized monkey. He starts to kind of crawl at my body and I'm like, oh, that's cute. I'm a world traveler.

This is fine. And he picks up the necklace and he starts kind of eating it like you would like a little candy necklace like from like elementary school. I'm kind of trying not to freak out and be this cool world traveler and the other monkeys kind of notice that he's eating and be this cool world traveler. And the other monkeys

kind of notice that he's eating. It's okay, Monica. This is stressing me out. You're having visions of being sworn by wild monkeys and torn to bits. Yeah, it's going to get worse. So the monkeys kind of notice that he's eating. They come over and I'm like, okay, I'm okay. I'm okay. And he's just still kind of chill, maybe a little hissing at the monkeys that are now starting to gather at my feet. And he decides that he's like bored with this action, I think. And so he just yanks the necklace really hard and the beans or the seeds just spreads everywhere to all the monkeys. And it's at this point I realized, oh my God, I'm wearing monkey food around my neck. Right, right. What's the boyfriend doing? Does he shell shocked? Doesn't know what to do?

At this point, he's kind of like giggling, like, oh, wow, look at these monkeys. He seems chill. Because they're not on him. Yeah. The one monkey had gotten off and I'm like, okay, everything's fine. They're going to eat these seeds and go away. And they do kind of do that until I'm standing there and I'm like, I feel really hot. I feel itchy. What is happening? I'm being stabbed like with tiny little needles. And I'm like, what is happening? What is happening? So I pull my shirt out and I look under and I am covered in fire ants. Oh my goodness. They were all on the monkey and they fell into your shirt? They were on the monkey and then they went into me.

So then I'm like, you know, freaking out and I'm starting to slap myself. But that's not working because the ants are marching downward. Oh, they want to get south. So I'm in the middle of the monkey forest with all of these tourists and people and monkeys. And I'm whipping my clothes off so first comes the t-shirts really hot there second the bra oh bras off at this point i'm not thinking you're in survival mode i would imagine many of the listeners have not been attacked by fire ants myself included what's a good comp for how much that hurts is it like a bee sting or less or more? It's more than a bee sting. They bite.

So it's like a thousand little hot poking needles just stinging you. And it causes like welts and rushes. So I'm just completely freaking out. I'm hitting myself. I'm half naked at this point. But again, these fire ants are very committed and they're making their way south. So I literally, without thinking, just pull off the shorts and the underwear. Wow. Now you're in a National Geographic shoot. You weren't worried that the ants were going to get in your vagina? Now you're more exposed.

They could crawl up in you. I was concerned about all of it. But what I was feeling at the time was I saw them on the top of my clothes, but I felt them underneath. And I knew that I needed to brush them or hit them or kill them to get them off of me. You needed to be able to get every one of them off you, and so you needed access to your whole body. I understand the instinct. Thank you. I really appreciate that. So now I'm standing naked in the forest in the middle of Monkey Temple in my tennis shoes. I'm getting most of them off.

So the ex-boyfriend, Monica, not a me cute ex, okay? This is an end cute. He's laughing. Oh my God. Hilariously. Like he cannot stop laughing. I'm standing naked and he's laughing. And he's not running for water.

He's not slapping me or the things off. He's starting to take his pants off. Yeah, he should have in solidarity. I know, right? And everyone around is just in shock because I just look like I'm having this episode. Yeah, you look like a nudist, but like a crazy aggressive one

where it's like, I got to get out of these clothes right now. You know, you would think that it can't get any worse in this moment. And it can. Uh-oh. The biggest monkey during this whole scenario, let's call him the dominant monkey. Let's call him, you know. Zeus. He's, of course, reacting, kind of having this moment of looking around because all the monkeys are really into

what's happening as well. Like it just seems very exciting. This person is not doing what people normally do in the monkey temple. So he looks and he literally locks eyes with me across the monkey temple. And then he kind of gets up and then I see the biggest monkey erection. He's immediately horny. Yes. And I literally, again, can't think of anything to do except just go, no, no, no. No, thank you. No, no, no, no.

No, monkey, no. Oh my God. This is so scary. Finally, the boyfriend kind of snaps too because I'm moving around him and he's assessing like, oh no, this is not a good thing. And so he actually starts making big, loud primate noises and big body. And then the main monkey just kind of loses interest and then went over to another female monkey, but he was halfway to me yeah whoa it almost turned into dolphin asparagus i know and i am never going here well you could

prepare better no because no one's there don't put food around your neck let's start there girl she was a devil in disguise a cute devil she was She was a little devil. I bet it was that baby. No, that baby would never do that. This girl was trying to kill you. She might have assumed you knew that was food to give them and not to put around your neck next to your cartilage. I'm going to go with both of you at this point. I have thought about that since. And I feel like she was kind of like, oh, well, she's putting it around her neck.

That's cool. No, she wanted chaos. She was a devil baby. She was a harbinger of evil. To this day, I can't even watch monkeys on TV. Like I have monkey PTSD. Like I sweat at the zoo. Now the ants, you were able to get them all off of you.

Yeah. And then you were able to get your clothes back on pretty quickly. Did you continue on with the tour of the temple or were you like, fuck this, I'm out of here? Yeah, it was a real fuck this situation. Yes. Yeah, that makes sense. It's hard to rally after that. The alpha males already got his eyes on you.

You kind of want to get out of here. Get away. Do you know how many Christmases around the world families have regaled their family members with this incredible time they went to this temple and what they observed? Like the gift you gave these people. I don't know if I've ever seen anything as spectacular as that. Yeah. And then also preparing for this, I was thinking about because I was working at Pacific Islands Club. I was teaching aerobics.

Yeah, you look great. My 21-year-old self, long blonde hair, like the whole works. It's no wonder this Zeus got aroused. No, it's still predatorial. Doesn't matter what anyone looks like. No means no, Zeus. Yeah, even though you were saying no, thank you. No, please.

I was being polite. Well, thank you guys. This has been a real honor. This was so fun. No, please. I was being polite. Well, thank you guys. This has been a real honor. This was so fun. This is incredible. I didn't really think we'd get a story that good, to be honest. That's a 10 out of 10. Because already I'm like, okay, the monkeys are great.

That's going to be a great story. And my presumption is they tore your shirt off as they left. And that's going to be fine. But no ants enter the picture and then Zeus is around. It will forever live in my memory. How much longer did you stay with that boy? I stayed with him in Saipan for a while. And then we broke up after we both left Saipan.

Right. And you have zero contact with him. You've not bumped into him on Facebook or anything? No, he still drunk dials from time to time. Okay, great. I was the one that got away. Yeah. The monkey bride. Zeus also calls. Take care and thanks so much for that banger of a story. Thank you. Bye. Very, very fun. That was a hot tale. I'm itchy now. You are. Some ants? Yeah, I feel like there's ants. Ants in your pants? Ants in my pants.

Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and of course a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel. Max.

I wonder if it's my Max. Let's go, Max. Max, can you hear us? I can hear you guys. Oh, wonderful. I am so excited to be on here with you all. Oh, and we are excited to be talking to you. I see that you have a nice hat collection behind you.

My fiance thought you might comment on that. Well, she was right. What else did she think I was going to comment on? Because I got a hunch you know what's coming next. My scar, but that was it. No, nice biceps. Really nice definition. Thank you very much. But you know what they look like?

They look like they're the result of an actual athletic endeavor. Are you a climber or something? I was a climber for a while. I played tennis in high school. Okay. Yeah, they've got that very athletic tone to look to them. Well, I take that as high praise from you, Dex. Are you in Austin?

I am just outside of Boulder, Colorado. Monica, welcome. I decided to try it. Didn't it feel good? It didn't, because I didn't get it right. Okay. But you know Monica hates when I guess, but she's now joined. I decided to try it.

It's so fun. Austin's Boulder South, right? Yeah. Very similar clientele. And Monica, my fiancee, is from just outside of Atlanta. She's from Roswell, Georgia. Roswell. We just talked to somebody else who's from Roswell, Georgia. Roswell. We just talked to somebody else who was from Roswell.

Roswell's having a moment. And ding, ding, ding, Easter egg. We're going to have an episode of Flightless Bird on Roswell. New Mexico. Yeah. Okay. The first episode I ever heard of Armchair Expert was with David. Oh, the sim.

It was. The QAnon episode. Oh, okay. And Armchaired and Danger episode. Oh, okay. And arm-chairing dangerous. Absolutely. Okay, so Max, you ended up accidentally naked. I can't wait to hear how that happened.

I did indeed. So this story takes place back in 2018 here in Boulder. I'm in the restaurant industry. I've been a chef for many, many years. Recently took over front of house at a small brew pub here in Boulder called Under the Sun. It's actually where I met my fiance.

And at the time we were both working there. I was a line cook. She was a server. It's a hotbed of activity at those restaurants. It sure is. And the living situations can be quite wild, which leads me into the next portion of this story. which leads me into the next portion of this story. So we were both early 20s living in what amounted to slumlord tenant situations. In Boulder, you can only have three unrelated individuals living in a house together on a lease legally. They do that to keep landlords from

taking advantage of college students and things like that because it is a big college town, but they do nonetheless. So both of us were kind of in similar living situations, not super happy with our roommates, but I could not stand my roommate and I preferred to be at my fiance Samantha's house. So I would be there quite often. She was living in a house that was supposed to have two people on the lease, but there was five people living there. Oh, so they're already in violation. She was living in a house that was supposed to have two people on the lease, but there was five people living there. Oh, so they're already in violation. Very much so. And in the restaurant industry, not trying to make generalizations here,

but tends to be some substance abuse and also kind of psychological issues. Yeah, the hours suck, so you're going hard. That was definitely the situation for both of us. And her roommates in particular were very mentally unstable. One of them in particular, we'll call him Lucas. I remember the first time I met him, I walked into her house. It's probably like 11 p.m. and he's sitting in the living room, just chugging a bottle of Tito's all by himself. Yeah. So this is kind of how I get introduced to this gentleman. As I'm over her house more and more, you know, we're getting kind of hot and heavy and I'm over her house just about every single night. I get to know this kid a little bit better and he is, let's just say, unhinged. A couple of

preliminary stories for you before we get into the meat of it, no pun intended. He would oftentimes make some off remarks to Samantha that I wasn't very fond of. So we had a couple of altercations verbally where I'm like, hey, man, can you like lay off? That's not cool. So my fiance is a oil painter. At the time, she had her studio in the backyard of this ranch house in Boulder, Colorado. And it was like a little outbuilding, a little garage in the back. We were sitting out there one night. I'm just sitting on a couch and I have a direct view

to the back side of this garage. And there's a window there. And I notice a little face peeking up over the windowsill. It's pitch black. There's nothing but weeds and bushes back there. There's no reason for anyone to be there. And I'm like, that's really creepy. Who's back there peeping on us? I kind of noticed it. I was like, Sam, is there someone over there. And I'm like, that's really creepy. Who's back there peeping on us? I kind of noticed it. I was like, Sam, is there someone over there? And she's like, maybe. It might be my roommate. He's kind of a creep.

This is Lucas. This is Lucas. I forget about it. We're first couple months of our relationship. So if we're together for more than an hour, we're probably getting steamy, which happens. We're sitting on the couch. We're hooking up.

And I notice Lucas is standing there just straight up staring at us. Oh. It gave me like a hit in my chest. I was like, who is that? What is going on? Are we being stalked right now? Oh, my gosh. So I notice him there and he's like very obviously getting his rocks off.

Oh, okay. He's hooking up. He's pleasuring himself. He's jacking off? Well, let's keep it clean, Monica. Yeah, we keep it really clean here. You know, we didn't see the bottom half of his body, but he was grinning and definitely moving a little bit.

Okay, so he's jacking his dick. Yikes. I get up, I go out to confront this unhinged person, and I'm like, man, what are you doing? He's like, you're making a big deal out of nothing. I was just hanging out back there. It's my house. It's not your house. I'm like, all right, man, this is too much. Sam, let's go back inside. He's freaking me out.

Later that same night, I go outside to smoke a cigarette. And he is face down on the patio, pants around his ankles, in a pile of his own vomit. Whoa. So I grab him and put him on his side so he doesn't choke on his own gunk, go back inside and just leave him out there. I'm like, I can't deal with this. This is just to give you an example of what kind of person this guy was.

Right, right. I wish she had called into Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish. A couple weeks later, I've been at Sam's house a lot, and I can feel the tension starting to build more and more with this kid. The more I'm there, the more he kind of resents me. He's definitely got the hots for my girlfriend, probably doesn't want me around, and they just so happen to live in two rooms that are connected by a walk-through bathroom,

so we can hear each other in each other's rooms quite often. Not an ideal situation. So we're in Samantha's bedroom. It's probably two in the morning. I wake up again early on in the relationship. So good luck keeping our clothes on. I get up to go to the bathroom completely naked. And because the bathroom is shared, very rarely are the doors locked because we don't want anybody getting locked out of their bathroom. So I'm peeing. I think I heard you say in the other day, Dax, how you would force it out a little bit and go for that real high pressure stream. Yep. Yep. Thunderous. So my stream was certainly thunderous that night. I had been drinking some beer and I probably made more noise than was necessary. Flush the toilet, drop the toilet seat, kind of let it slam. Not really thinking about it. Next thing I know, I notice the door to his room is cracked open just a little bit. He literally kicks the door open, comes raging into the bathroom, and I'm standing there completely naked. And he's like, you piece of shit. I got court in the morning for a DUI. You're trying to fucking sabotage me.

You're trying to keep me up. He's pushing me. Of course he has court in the morning for a DUI. You're trying to fucking sabotage me. You're trying to keep me up. He's pushing me. Of course he has court in the morning. I'm like, man, I hope this kid hits me because I don't want to be the aggressor here. But do something, man. I'm an ex-wrestler. I was ready to go. I really wanted something to happen.

I was raging. But at the same time, I wasn't looking for an assault charge. So kind of trying to keep my cool, keep my cool. And then all of a sudden, from the other side of the bathroom, I hear stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. And in through the other door bursts Sam, also completely naked. Okay. With a hairbrush in her hand, screaming,

Lucas, get out of here! Swinging the hairbrush. She came to save my ass. So now I'm between the two of them. They're trying to go at it. And I'm between the two of them like, Sam, stay away. He's crazy. I'm like, Lucas, get out of here, man.

What are you doing? This is ridiculous. I eventually push him into his room. I lock the door. We go back into her bedroom and get some clothes on. And then the rest of the night ensued with all of the roommates in the house coming out and putting in their two cents. It sounds like a teaser for an episode coming up on the MTV house reality show. Like, I feel like they would tease out this moment for like three or four episodes.

Totally. That is exactly what it was like. So we get through the night and with all of these previous situations that had occurred, they had tried to get this guy out of the house for a while, but he wasn't on the lease. So there's a little bit of legality issues there. It's basically squatters rights. You can't kick them out. Oh my God. Some of these rules are preposterous. Let's reward the person who hasn't even made any commitment to the place. Absolutely. The next day we hear him leave early in the morning to go to his court date for his DUI. He is still raging

as loud as he can talking about how big of a pussy I am. I'm five, five Italian. And at the time I didn't have any of this. It was just the mustache. So he was like, you fucking Mario. What are you going to do, Mario? You fucking pussy. What are you going to do? Like trying to get me to start stuff with him. So it was an apt comparison to draw. But the whole morning, all I hear is him calling me Mario and all the other roommates. Fucking Mario's in there. Piece of shit. Starting stuff at the house. He shouldn't be here. Well, everybody kind of agreed that he was the problem. So we called the landlord. Sam basically gave him the ultimatum. You got to get this guy out of here or we're calling the cops and we're going to have him

like forcibly removed. Finally, that day, the landlord came by, was like, man, you got to get out of here. You got a couple days. By the time I came back to her house that night, he had gone through, broken anything glass he could find. Furniture was just destroyed. I mean, chairs like broken into kindling. It was just a disaster. But that was the last we ever saw Lucas. And it was our hope that he would get some help. Yeah. We don't know where he is now, but Sam and I are happily engaged. Oh, some of these young men, they're like analysts and elephants, just smashing trees and stuff.

They're just a total liability. Nearly a nude fisticuff situation, which could also be a prompt. Tell us about a time you fought naked. Yeah. But did you recall the defining fight between my brother and I, he was bare naked. Yeah, that's right. I relate to this.

But, of course, I was a Lucas in this story. Sure, sure, sure. Well, I hold space for everybody and their issues. Really hope that he found the help that he needed. But all I know is that me and Sam have found ourselves in a much better living situation. Just the two of us and a couple of pets. Oh, good.

It all worked out. I love that she joined the melee. Yeah. With a hairbrush. I was like, this girl is for me. Oh, well, Max, what a tasty story. Yes, thank you. Yeah, thank you so much for telling us that.

Thank you for having me. It was great to meet you all. Take care. Bye. All right, bye-bye. I have a question. Yeah. Why is it called hot and heavy?

What's the heavy part about? Heavy breathing? Is it? Ooh, I think that's it. It is? Yeah, panting, yeah. And then it should be called hot and panting. Hot and breathing?

Ew. I like hot and heavy. You don't like that term? Is it like bodies are heavy on top of each other? Well, they can be, Monica. I know. Especially if you're with a big boy. Well, I guess that's true.

Or even a medium-sized boy, really. I mean, a small boy is still probably heavy. Probably heavy. Even the small boys are heavy. Boys are heavy. I love chefs. Yeah. Hello.

How are you? I'm good. I feel like we've time traveled and we're talking to a young Martha Stewart. Oh. The organization of the garments, the many different colors, the good lighting, the hair. It's all very young, youthful. That's a compliment minus the jail time. No, that makes me like her more, actually, that she's a convict. I just don't want you to have to go to jail.

I kind of dig that, too, actually. And she made the best of it. I watched that whole documentary. She did. She's friends with Snoop. Yeah. She'll turn lemons into lemonade any day. Kimberly, where are you at in the country? I'm in Los Angeles. I'm in Marina Del Rey. Oh, okay. Wonderful. Which for people who are not from here is virtually the same distance to Las Vegas for us. If you factor in the drive time. Yeah. You guys are really, really far. I was just listening to the Dave Bird episode and he's in Venice. Then we had a whole thing about the west side of Los Angeles and how there's not a vibe. And I'm like, I need to go where the cool folks are.

Yeah, it's time to get out of there. Come over for a meal and see what you think. Maybe you'll stay. But yeah, I think it would blow people's mind that it's probably 30 miles away. But it's minimally a two-hour drive. It's like 15. It's not very many miles at all. And then it's four hours.

It is four hours. Yes. If I have to go to that side of the world, it's a whole other country. And you just stay on the west side, right? Have you ever gotten drunk at Circle Bar? I have a lot of memories of Circle Bar. What years? Because my very good friend, Steve DeCastro, who's a stunt coordinator,

he was both the manager there and the bartender. Every time I ended up there, it was like the last stop of the night. So I was never sober walking in. And it was like, who's going to hold my purse while we hit the dance floor? Kind of a place for me. I think you described perfectly what state of mind most people are when they find themselves at the circle bar. For sure. Yeah. It's a great spot. It's still there. It's still alive and kicking, which is good to know post

COVID. Yes, I agree. Okay. So you accidentally ended up naked. I did. I'll set the scene for you a little bit. I know you used to live in Santa Monica, so it was in your hood in 2005. I still live there. You could have been in this situation. Well, I know that I to live in Santa Monica, so it was in your hood in 2005. I still live there. You could have been in this situation. Well, I know that I wasn't because I certainly would remember someone accidentally naked. But let's see. Maybe I was on the periphery in a blackout myself. I have been in Los Angeles for like four years, living the dream, trying to be an actor and being a bartender and doing all of the things.

And I had met this wonderful guy who later became my husband, who I'm still married to today. So 18 years in. Wow. That's an eternity. He was at the time going to make a film. And when we first met, we had a month to get to know each other and date. And we kind of hit it off really hard and ended up really attached to the hip. But we knew that there was kind of this expiration date because he was going to go to New York and he was going to be there for six months having this adventure. And it's like, hey, nice to meet you. Maybe I'll call you on the other side, but let's just- A little early for me to do nothing for six months. A hundred percent. And so we kind of decided that we were just going to have this fun together.

And we spent all of our time together. And so as we inched closer to the day of him going and doing this thing, I was like, I want to do something kind of cute and sexy and fun for him as kind of a going away gift of like a, hey, maybe on the other side, give me a call or just like a good memory. So in my neighborhood at the Santa Monica Mall, which if you're from Los Angeles, it's on Third Street Promenade, which is like a huge tourist area. So it is always, especially on a weekend, this happened on a Saturday afternoon, sort of a stupid day to choose to do this in hindsight, but it was full of tourists and it's very bustling kind of thing. It's about 60% German in August on that promenade. God, I used to love the promenade so much. You did? I did. Yeah, I used to go eat at that Fat Burger and People Watch for hours.

I used to spend all day there. I would go and see like three people. Yeah. Sure. You had the AMC 7. You had the Odeon. You had, there was a third. There used to be Buddha's Belly.

Oh. Do you guys remember Buddha's Belly? Yes. What happened there? It was so good. It got canceled. It got canceled. What were they selling?

It was an Asian restaurant. It was so good. It was so good. It's not there anymore. I think it's like a Boa Steakhouse or something now. But I decided to go and I'm going to take it like a sexy photo strip in this photo booth. And I'm going to put it as like a bookmark in the book that he was reading. So when he opened to the book, then there's just this photo strip of good memories. I planned this whole thing. I went and bought some sort of sexy lingerie.

And I knew that this photo booth was here. It was in the food court area of San Francisco. I wish people could know what it looks like. I know. It's right out of an 80s California movie. It's like the epitome of a food court. It was before they redid it to what it is today. And it was like the covered mall, like the Sapporo and the chopsticks restaurant. It was before they redid it to what it is today. And it was like the covered mall,

like the Sapporo and the chopsticks restaurant. It was a proper food court. Yeah, there's a hot dog on a stick there. So it was kind of in the back corner, but sort of in the center, all the tables are sort of around it. So I go in, it has a floor to ceiling curtain, a lot of privacy. It's not like anybody's going to know what I'm up to, like no big deal. I go in and when you step into the booth, it kind of lights up and turns on, right? So the lights come on and then you have these options that you can choose a border. And I chose these little red heart borders to go around the frame of the pictures. And it was like five pictures you could take.

Really quick. Are you in a trench coat? No, I'm wearing normal clothes. The plan is to, with each picture, take off one more piece. Yes, of course. Creative. And kind of stripped down to where the last photo is sort of like all the good naked bits. Yes. Wonderful. Timing wise, you got to be on your toes. Thank you for saying that, Monica, because I, like you, am a planner of things. And so I get in there and I'm like, where's the camera?

How long do I have? I got to rehearse this. I have to sort of figure out where to put my body. Because like, if you want to get the good stuff pushed up to the camera, you're kind of having to like get in weird positions. Now, this wasn't X-rated. It was kind of like a soft R-rating kind of a photo shoot. I'm not going for hustler.

It was more like a playboy situation. Tasteful. Very elegant. Classy. Yes. Wanting to like channel the inner Pamela Anderson. And so I took the time to rehearse. And then when I was ready, I went ahead and pressed start. It was great. Happened fast, but I was like, bam, bam, bam, and got all of the poses. Get dressed. I come out looking totally normal. And I have to stand outside for a little bit waiting for those pictures to print. So as I'm standing, I'm kind of noticing like a lot of people looking at me. Right. And sort of smiling. And I distinctly remember this older gentleman, he had to have been like in his seventies or something that was holding a food tray that just gave me a thumbs up. Have a good day, bud. So I'm noticing this kind of vibe, but I'm like, whatever. The pictures pop out and I look vibe, but I'm like, whatever.

The pictures pop out and I look at them and I'm like, do I need to do a retake? Did they turn out okay? Make sure that ink is dry. I don't want to like smear. So mission accomplished. They're cute. I'm happy.

And I'm like, okay, we did it. Feeling myself. I'm gonna go get myself some lunch. Great. Walk over to the Sapporo, get myself a slice of pizza. Guy at the counter is just like, hey, very smiley, kind of flirty. And I'm like, hey, cool. I got a vibe today. Like,

this is good. And I go and sit down to eat my pizza. And while I'm doing that, this group of three girls goes into the booth. Don't think anything of it but as they walk in that moment where the lights turn on the entire back side of the photo booth from ceiling to floor turns into a screen that live streams everything no happening it's a monitor no no why don't they warn you listen i knew it would anger you so i didn't leap ahead but i do remember that photo booth had a screen most don't they warn you? Listen, I knew it would anger you, so I didn't leap ahead. But I do remember that photo booth had a screen. Most don't, though. I often see what's being taken inside on a little LCD screen. Rob shaking his head, dude, that rings a bell for you as well.

Nowadays, the new ones, because then you're emailing to yourself and stuff. But the old school ones, I've never seen that. Well, San Monica Place Food Court had the highest of technology. They did at the time. And it just looks like an ad. And then you get in and the ad turns to live stream. And so my rehearsal. Oh.

Practicing of poses. Oh, no. And I was pushing up towards the camera. The whole performance. As I'm watching these girls in there kind of giggling and doing their poses, I mean, the blood just drops and you're eating your pizza and you're still there. I got to say, if I were there, because in 95, I guess I was 30. If I was there and then I witnessed this entire thing,

first of all, I'd be like, I am so horny for this person. Obviously, that would be my first reaction. And then I would go, oh, God, and she's going to sit down and eat pizza. So this was a bit of a performance. Yeah, like it was on purpose. I would start thinking there's like an exhibitionism going. I would just ask what's happening. Yeah.

I feel like if you were to have seen me in the moment of recognition, you wouldn't have had that thought. It would have cleared up any of those thoughts. A hundred percent. I saw it. And then I could feel other people looking at me, like watching that I had figured it out. Oh, that's the worst part. I don't even know what happened. I left my body and I picked up my lunch tray and I put it in a jar and I head down, walked out to my car.

And I just remember sitting in the parking garage in my car. Like, walk down to my car. And I just remember sitting in the parking garage in my car. Like, do I cry? And I just hysterically alone in my car was laughing so hard. I was crying. I just like, what can you do? Yeah. I talk about this moment all the time. It's from the wrestler.

Like when we get truly embarrassed, that uncontrolled laughter, I relate so much. Oh, I love that story. I'm furious. I wasn't at the mall that day. You might've just missed her. Yeah. If I had been banging down a hot dog on a stick and then that was happening. Oh, did you tell your, I guess he wasn't your boyfriend yet, but did you tell him what had happened when you gave him the strip? I couldn't not tell him. This story has kind of gone down in our history. We still have the photos. Oh, I'm not going to show you. Yeah. You had to be at the mall for that. It ended up being really great because probably that experience on top of just us. And he ended up calling about three weeks later saying, I don't want to make this movie without you. Will you come to New York? And you went. I did.

I quit my job and I went and I actually worked on his movie like behind the scenes. You're still together. Yeah. Amazing. Me cute. What a me cute. Sort of. That's not really me cute.

Anytime there's love, it's a me cute. But it's cute. I think you just mean it's cute. No, I wasn't me cute. Okay. Well, Kimberly, what a great story. Thank you so much for telling that. That's a unique version of this. If you ever need to take some sexy pictures.

I mean, it's the trend now to just do it with your phone, but careful of the photo booth. I'm nervous of like some exhibitionists now running down to that photo booth, putting on a show. Yeah. Because that's kind of my thought right now is like, I should go in there. It's probably not the first time that photo booth stopped. A bit abused. All right. Well, great meeting you, Kimberly.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Can I just tell you how much I absolutely love you guys? I know everyone does that and I promised I wouldn't geek out, but I've been an arm cherry since the beginning. I actually heard you, Dax, on Anna Faris' podcast. Oh, right. Oh, wow.

Which brought me to you guys. Oh. You're my ride or die now. And I listen to every episode and I learn so much. It is not out of the norm for me to you guys. You're my ride or die now. And I listen to every episode and I learned so much. It is not out of the norm for me to pause an episode and go and ask Siri what a word means that you guys have used. Sometimes we make up words. Sure.

I bet a lot of times Siri's like, that's not a word, Kimberly. Which is also really fun. But no, I see you've expanded my vocabulary, but also my worldview. And I think you're wonderful and amazing. Thank you. And by the way, we love hearing that. That makes us so happy. We sit in this little room.

We know people are listening, but obviously to get to meet them, we love every time. Yeah, very special. Well, we love you. And it's so exciting to be in the attic in like a teeny little way. And I get to see the full dog picture, which I've only seen blips of. It delivers, right? It's a regal beast. It is.

All right. Great meeting you. Great meeting you guys. All delivers, right? It's a regal beast. It is. All right, great meeting you. Great meeting you guys. All right, take care. Oh, those were fun. Oh, they were really fun. Accidentally naked. You ate a lot of hot dogs on sticks.

Well, I didn't eat food at restaurants for 10 years because I was broke. Yeah. But once in a blue moon, I would splurge and go get a hot dog on a stick and or a cheese on the stick, which they have too. Is it covered in a crust? It's a corn dog. go get a hot dog on a stick and or a cheese on the stick, which they have too. Is it covered in a crust? It's a corn dog.

It's a corn dog on a stick. And a corn cheese, if we could call it that. Fried cheese and a corn crust. Yes. Have you ever had that? I think we had at Disney. That was good. The best ones are at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio. I just thought about you looking so young

and just like walking down the promenade with your hot dog on a stick. I was on the promenade a lot because I was unemployed and I was young and I didn't have money to do stuff. So yeah, I went there to get entertained. Yeah, I went there a lot too in my early days, but you would have already been on television by then.

So you probably weren't there anymore. My friend Tim Lovestead and I would always go to that Fatburger to write sketches. Oh, fun. Do you know the Fatburger? Up towards Wilshire. And then there was also a, God, what was my favorite store? It wasn't J.Crew. What's one that's adjacent to that? And it's a sister to, there was like a male and a female version of the stores. Randy Melville, Zara. Not Banana Republic, but Structure. Oh, I don't know Structure. Do you know Structure? And Structure had a sister store that you would know, the female version of it. But I used to go to Structure and just covet these.

Express? Yeah, I think it might be Express's sister. Oh, wow. Is it? Yeah, Express. Wow. Yeah, so they had like approachable clothes. Like if I was going to get an item every six months, I could.

And they had these really cool corduroy pants I liked a lot. Wow. And they had like approachable clothes. Like if I was going to get an item every six months, I could. And they had these really cool corduroy pants I liked a lot. Wow. And they had sweaters. What else did they have? So I'd eat a fat burger, people watch, and then I'd swing through structure and dream about some outfits. I bet you saw her. That's where I fought the cowboys. Oh, I definitely saw her.

Yeah, not that day. But not that day, yeah. But you saw her. Wow. I wouldn't have forgotten. I know. She and I moved the same year. Yeah, that's crazy. But not that day, yeah. But you saw her. Wow. I want to forget. I know. She and I moved the same year. Yeah, that's crazy.

I was graduating high school. Oh. Thanks for the reminder. All right, love you. That was fun. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

Oh. OK, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. Enjoy.