Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Amusement Park

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a crazy amusement park story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. This NBA season, make every three-pointer alley-oop and buzzer-beater even more exciting with FanDuel. Download the app today to see why we're North America's number one sports book. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling Palm, call 1-866-531-2600

or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined by Minister Mouse. I love amusement parks. I used to. I couldn't have been happier about this for how much I talk about Cedar Point. The fact that two of our stories comes from Cedar Point.

You guys had an embarrassing showing. We did. Here, it was all like Michigan adjacent places, except maybe one of them. We're proud. You also gotta look at volume. Cedar Point's a monstrous place. Pound for Pound the best amusement park.

There's more rides there per square inch than anywhere else in the world. Well except Florida has more rides per square inch as a state. Rides, I don't know. Like they've got themes. So they've got things that are taking up a bunch of space. This is just, this adrenaline. Like every five feet, there's another huge roller coaster.

That's what they're betting on because they don't have a scheme. I know. Anyways, this isn't about Cedar Point, although it kind of is. So yes, this is tell us about a crazy amusement park story. And these were so fun. And you would kind of think that they would make you

not want to go to an amusement park. And I was dying to go. I'm like, I got to get back to Cedar Point. Really? Yeah, did you feel an urge? Even to go to a water park? There's some water park stories? I felt get back to Cedar Point. Really? Yeah, did you feel an urge? Even to go to a water park? There's some water park stories? I felt an urge to go to Disneyland.

Yeah, yeah. But I am, well, I say I'm done with roller coasters. Me too. But then we did Space Mountain and it was super fun. That's fine. I've just really hit a tolerance limit. Like I can't do a bunch of twisties and shit. Me too.

But I'm pretty certain I could go ride the Gemini a couple dozen times in a row. That's my favorite. No, that's like, for a long time was the biggest wooden roller coaster ever. And that was the big boy when I grew up going there as a child. You'd go on the Gemini and it was all wooden

and a big first steep hill. But it's great and it's smooth and there's no loopty loops. That was the corkscrew. I loved the loopty loops. I did and it's sad that Ide-loops. That was the corkscrew. I loved the loop-de-loops. You did. I did, and it's sad that I can't hold my own anymore. No, me either, yeah. Age.

Anyways, please enjoy Crazy Amusement Park Stories. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. But one thing, you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend. I met her in a hotel lobby, just bait into a magazine. Yeah, girl.

What song is that? Prince. I didn't left out. Oh. Yeah. I actually first heard that song sitting in my older brother's car while he was driving me to school and I was like, I don't think I'm supposed to be hearing this. You know what's funny, Nikki?

My mother was so lax when it came to like sexual stuff, but I bought that Prince tape when I was like nine or 10. My brother actually told my mom, I think that tape's too much for him. She looked at the lyrics and she said I couldn't have it. And that's the only time I was censored as a child. Hey, what kind of lyrics were you? Well, I knew a girl named Nikki.

I guess you could say she was a sex fiend, met her in a hotel lobby, masturbate into a magazine. And then there was a song called Blow Me. Yeah, okay, wow. Yeah. How old are you? I am 37 years old. I like to say 27, but 37 years old.

Okay, so yeah, you weren't even alive when that song came out. No, but I have two older brothers who are 14 and 12 years older than me. So I was raised on their music. It sounds like you're also from the state Prince was from. That's incorrect. That or Northern Wisconsin or the U.P.? Minnesota.

Michigan. Michigan. How far North are you? Mid Michigan, a little town called Pinconning. Test your Michigan knowledge there. We're about 40 minutes north of Saginaw. Oh, okay, great. Nikki, so nice to meet you.

And you have an amusement park story. And so now that I know where you're from, I feel like it's gonna be Bablo Island or Cedar Point. Cedar Point, definitely. Ooh. So this happened in about 2013. My then boyfriend, now husband was with me and we were with another couple. We went during our favorite time, which is the hollow weekends in October, freezing cold,

rainy, terrible conditions, but so much fun. Because it was rainy, everyone had coats and ponchos. So the first thing we wanted to do was go on the Millennium Force, because it was one of the biggest ones on the time, funnest roller coasters to go on. And we rushed right to there and it's still raining. Like we weren't even sure if they were going to let it go. Cause it was so rainy. We get on midway through all the carts and we're going up on the descent.

Like the rain's hitting us in the face. Kind of nervous about that. And as we go over the hill and do the rush down the big hill of the roller coaster, somebody a few rows ahead of me, their poncho rips and flies back and hits me in the face. Oh boy. And it was like someone put Saran wrap around my face. Like it's suction because I think of the wetness. Sure.

And there's the sheer force of it. It's Saran wrapped around my face so I was suffocating. Oh my God. And I was sheer panicked and I was trying to get my boyfriend's attention, but he thought I was just like yelling and screaming. Yeah. So excited about the ride. And finally I'm like punching, trying to scream his name.

And he looks at me and instead of helping me, he busts into laughing so hysterically hard, he can't even help me. So I am stuck this way. It felt like forever, but probably like 30 seconds, as long as the roller coaster. Oh, my God. He didn't get it off until it was done. No, until it slowed down because I was just panicked. I couldn't grasp the right parts of it. And were you, I imagine having a hard time breathing?

Yes. And I don't know if that was just for me panicking or if it was that close to my mouth, but the whole time I was like, I'm gonna die on a roller coaster because I suffocated. Oh my God. That's actually fucking terrifying. It's like having a plastic shopping bag

shoved over your head and then held tight. It's kind of common for dogs to like suffocate in bags like that. Cause they sniff around where the foodie was? Yeah, and then it gets sucked in or like shit bags and stuff, it happens. Ooh. I know.

Cautionary tale. Yes, cautionary tale when it's rainy and windy, make sure that your pantos are locked in. And of course, now my biggest regret is at the time when they take the picture, the picture is of my husband, like having the time of his life and me with a bag wrapped around my.

And I wish now I would have let him purchase it. Yeah. Oh, you did it. I did it because I was so upset and so angry. I was just like, no, I was just walking away. And he's like, I'm sorry. Oh. Now looking back, of course, I wish I had that picture. Honestly, that might be the first picture

we would have posted for Armchair Anonymous because everything stays anonymous, but you would have this big poncho over your face. You'd still be anonymous. Oh, I'm so bummed for you that you don't have that photo. I mean, that would be up there with Fabio. You know, the famous Fabio rollercoaster. It's the bird.

Yes. Do you know that one, Monica? Fabio went on a rollercoaster and I want to say it was like the opening day of the rollercoaster. So they fly in Fabio. It's definitely some kind of paid endorsement and they go down the hill and his seagull hits him in the face, breaks his nose when he comes back.

And there's so many cameras there to capture Fabio. Is there blood everywhere? Oh, there's blood everywhere. There's feathers. It's terrible. Oh. Oh my God, I never even thought about that. I'm sure there's a lot of, maybe we'll hear one,

a bird incident. Sure. I'm sure that happens a lot. A broken nose would be way worse than just being suffocated for 30 seconds. I don't know though. I mean, you basically were waterboarded. Like there's nothing scarier

than not breathing for 30 seconds. So many of our armchair anonymous stories have to do with a boyfriend or husband Like there's nothing scarier than not breathing for 30 seconds. So many of our armchair anonymous stories have to do with a boyfriend or husband laughing and not acting. That seems to be a theme. It really does. I would have laughed really hard too,

but I would have also been pulling it off your face. But mark your words, I would be screaming laughing. Cause you probably look like a weird mummy or like a horror movie where they show a face come through like the sills. And this has nothing to do with your story, but were you the type of couple that would go and dress identically at Cedar Point? No. Was that still a thing when you were going?

I know a lot of people would have like the matching t-shirts as a group, like they do at Disney and stuff, but not necessarily matching couples. Oh, I'm talking more couples, yeah, but I never really had the chance to go and dress identically to my mate. We were dressed identically in the sense that everyone had big winter coats on. Sure, sure. Sure, sure.

We were dressed for success, but not really. And do people go in full costume? Yes, there are people that do that. Yeah, so imagine if you're working at Cedar Point on one of the rides, you're like trying to make some judgment calls. Well, no, that's dangerous. That could fly off at 80 miles an hour.

Pieces of costume and stuff. Yeah, it seems like they would almost. It'd be a rule. Outlaw excessive costuming. Well, maybe after this story they will. Yeah. I hope not, because I bet those people really like

getting in their werewolf costumes. Yeah, but we don't want any suffocation. The next ride right after that too, there was just mayhem happening all over because we went on another roller coaster right after. And as soon as it's done, we heard the person behind us start screaming kind of like the bird situation.

Like something hit me in the face. And the two people ahead of us were like, oh my God, I can't find my phone. So we're pretty sure their phone fell out and like hit, luckily missed us somehow because they were ahead of us and the people behind us are like, something hit me.

I applaud Cedar Point for just marching ahead through this inclement weather. People's phones are slippery and sliding out. People are getting suffocated and they're like, the show must go on at Cedar Point. Wow. That's fun. Oh well, Nikki, what a great story.

Thank you. I wanted to ask something that's been bugging me of a story of yours from when you were in Michigan last year. Do you remember when you guys were going to go tubing? There was just crazy racial signs, and it was a real shady looking area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I live near a couple of those places

where you can go tubing. Remember if it was either the Osable river or the rifle river that you guys were at. Let me glance really quick at my map. We were all discussing it at work, taking bats on what area you were from the signage in terrible postings around it. But have you seen such signage? Does that ring a bell? I've seen them.

Yes. They are definitely ring a bell. And I was hoping to tell you that not everyone in those areas posts signs like that and are not on board with that. Yeah, I didn't assume as much. I can't find it. I wonder if Erin would remember.

We were really scatty wampus. We were filming shit and we were trying to squeeze that in and it was pretty unrealistic. Wish I could remember the river. That's all right. I promised I would ask to settle our debate at work. Well, why don't you text Aaron and then hopefully by the end of the episode,

he'll have an answer and then yeah, you can listen in. I'm pretty pessimistic that he'll remember, but at any rate, okay. Nikki, thank you, that was so much fun. And I'm glad you survived and I hope it hasn't deterred you from spending as much time at Cedar Point as possible. Absolutely not, we love it. It's our summer fun, usually.

All right, well be well, and my love to all you and the Michiganders. Thank you so much, it was so nice meeting you. Bye bye. I took pictures of that racist signage. Maybe it says it on there. Ooh, that's an interesting clue. Hello.

Hello. Where are you, Megan? I am in Indianapolis, Indiana. Oh, sure, Indy. Monica, you're so cute, you're so little. Oh, thank you. I think I do look extra small today because it's my brown sweater on the brown leather.

Oh, okay, that's the explanation? Yeah, that means you shrink. So Megan, where did your amusement park disaster story take place? Where do people in Indianapolis go for an amusement park? That's a great question. I do wanna say one thing. I have been in love with you

since you told me the law school at Costco. Oh, so you're kind of in love with Frito. Oh, I was like, when did you say that? I was like, I remember most of the crazy things you say, but I did not. I've made a lot of claims. You have. Yeah. Oh, that's funny. He was a legacy.

That's why he got it. You guys keep me company. I have an hour commute all the way to Columbus, Indiana, and then back. And you guys are with me every day. I'm a deputy prosecuting attorney. And would you prosecute anything? Are you doing a specific subset of prosecution? I actually worked in Marion County for a while,

which is Indianapolis, and we had specialties. But then in Columbus, it's a lot smaller. So we have to do everything. I've been doing it for 18 years. I do pretty much major felonies. Okay. Wow. Violent felons, burglars, property crimes, sex offenses,

all those type of things. Oh my. I'm surprised you haven't responded to previous prompts. You must have a quadrillion stories. I have a few. My husband does too. He's a detective. Oh my God.

Do you think interacting so often with a percentage of the population that's committing crimes, do you think it's had any impact on your overall view of mankind? I think that it probably could for most people that stay in the position, of the population that's committing crimes. Do you think it's had any impact on your overall view of mankind? I think that it probably could for most people that stay in the position, but I generally look at the world with rose colored glasses. I look at property crimes and violent crimes a lot different than drug crimes, methamphetamine, heroin, fentanyl.

I'm a prosecutor who will do whatever I can to help you with these addiction issues moving forward, because I want to keep you out of the system. So I try to always see the best in people. Yeah. That's good. That's nice. Yeah. Okay, so you had an amusement park story

and I was asking you, where do people in Indianapolis go for amusement? My story takes place at Kings Island, which is in Cincinnati. Home of the Beast for a decade had the fastest roller coaster in the world. I think they had to shut that down. I hadn't been in a while.

Oh. I think they did. I think they had to shut that down. I haven't been in a while. Oh. I think they did. I think someone was injured. Maybe they'll call in. I rode it as a kid and what's great is it would hit that top speed, which by the way, back then was like 60. I think that thing went 60 miles an hour, but it went 60 as it was kind of spiraling down into the ground in a tunnel.

It was such an exciting ride. Yes, and it was wood. So it just kind of shake you and then you'd have bruises for the next five weeks or so. You earned it. Yes, you did. When I was growing up, my dad was a railroad conductor. So our vacations would take place, amusement parks or camping in Myrtle Beach. Last night I talked to my father, my brother and sister because I have to preface by saying

I need to look at their recollections in mind because this took place in the early 90s. And as a prosecutor, you know how useless humans memories are, right? You deal with this daily, which is like four people have a completely different memory of the same event. Eyewitness testimony. Not that great. Yeah, it's crazy. But this was probably 1990. My dad had planned a trip for us, or probably my mom, if I'm being realistic,

had planned a trip for us to go to Kings Island. So excited. I mean, I'm just thinking Elephaneers, funnel cakes, fruit drinks, and those Flintstones. Did they do deep fried cheese there, cheese on a stick? I don't remember that. I was more into like the donut type. Sure, sure, the funnel options.

So good. And so I remember walking through those gates, 10 or 11 years old, I've got my older sister, younger brother, my dad, my mom. And I think we went on one ride, like maybe the scrambler. And then my sister wanted to go on. Do you remember the slide that was really big and you had to put on something that looked like a potato sack?

Potato sack. Yeah. And it has like lumps along the way as you're going down. Exactly. And there was fiberglass in it, burn your skin and give you blisters and shit. I think you've been on one before. Yes. Yes. My brother was very young, so he went with my mother. I had my own potato sack and then my sister and my dad, we're really excited.

It's a nice hot day. We take off. And I, for some reason, I'm going slower than the others. Then I remember picking up speed and I recall my bag flipping to the side in my head, hitting the little arrow that was in my lane. So when my left turned and it hit, it kind of exploded on impact and ripped off my eyelid. Oh my God. What? Your eyelid exploded. I thought you were hitting your brow ridge and then that cut like a boxer, but your eyelid.

Yes, my eyelids hit, we're not sure if it was maybe a screw or a bolt. Oh. Oh. My God. How do any of these amusement parks? Yeah, I wonder what the liability policy actually looks like.

I mean. Oh my God. Oh, it's the 90s, so they're just like, so my story gets better about what they liability policy actually looks like. I mean, oh my God. So my story gets better about what they did and did not do. Okay, okay, okay. So you make impact. Can you feel immediately there's trouble or are you unaware of what just happened? I am unaware and I kind of stop and I look down and there's blood everywhere. All down my shirt.

What if you saw your eyelid just like on your knee? All down my shirt. What if you saw your eyelid just like on your knee? Like a foreskin that's been just cut off by a moil. So what I recall, I look up and I see my mother running towards me screaming. She's yelling blood. Someone's yelling, get some ice. I think, I think they're yelling this because from what I'm told later on, like a piece of my eyelid is still there. Oh, up on the slide or dangling.

Oh, on the slide. Yes, it's on the slide. Like a piece of it. And so they had to put it in ice and then give it to us to go to the hospital. Oh my God. So I recall the inner part right there. I sent a picture in yesterday because I had a lovely picture of it in my scrapbook. So I'm going down the side, I remember that happened. And then minutes later, a little golf cart pulls up, puts the whole family in there and takes us to their little emergency place.

According to my dad, they rode out directions to the hospital. Okay, turn left when you see the big oak tree. They did not call an ambulance. My mom's screaming, my dad's yelling, and it's just pandemonium. And so they take the golf cart, we go find our round paneled minivan

that everybody else has in the 90s. I remember my mom holding a towel to my head and blood everywhere. Have you at all been blinking and realizing, oh, when I blink, I can still see light? I do not recollect that. My mom was holding something over this eye, so I couldn't tell. We get to the hospital.

I go in and they stitch me up and they are able to reattach my eyelid. There's a thin line right there. That's about it. I'm shocked that that took. I am too. That you didn't reject her or hadn't died enough on the ride. They've been on the fucking public slide. Ew.

I mean, there's so many reasons why that should have worked. Or minimally, it would look like you have a huge weld across your eyelid, which is not the case either. Yes, I talked to my brother yesterday, and he was really young, he was probably four or five. And he said, I just remember being on a golf cart. And then my sister said, I remember that the day was ruined because the second ride,

we had to go to the hospital all day. Still resentful. She said that they got everything from the vending machine that my dad was trying to make up for it. Now my dad is the best in his seventies. He's just hilarious. So I called him and I said, dad, do you remember anything from that day?

Sure do. He said, cocaine. Oh, he said, the doctor told me that they put liquid cocaine on your eye. Uh huh. Sure. I said, I don't know if I believe that. I don't know. He said they did. No, they took it out. It was like nail polish and they were rubbing on it said that it was for the pain and to numb it. I totally believe them medicinal cocaine. The Germans had perfect on it, said that it was for the pain and to numb it. I totally believe it. Medicinal cocaine, the Germans had perfected it, made it 100% pure and it was used as a local anesthetic. So it numbs whatever it goes on top of, and they use it a ton in dentistry,

and I could definitely see them using it on the eyeball. In Ohio, at the hospital in 1990? I think that's possible, yeah. It would be a weird thing for him to make up. And I know they use cocaine as a local anesthetic. So I'm leaning towards believing your father. I don't think he has any reason to make that up. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if that's true.

Like, Oh, it is. I remember. Cause I was concerned that maybe drugs might become an issue. You're going to get addicted to cocaine from these drops on your eyes. Mind you, they also gave you morphine or something, probably too, but he wasn't worried about that. My mom passed away in 97. So I wasn't able to talk with her.

He said that she was just yelling that she wanted a plastic surgeon. Cause I was going to have a droopy eye. Yeah. Was anybody concerned about maybe my vision? That was the nineties. Your mom was concerned you'd have a droopy eye. Of course. You're just your looks.

That's all we cared about. And then what was the response from the theme park? So someone showed up from the theme park and they gave me a pink t-shirt with my name embroidered over the chest. Not even a season pass? No, they offer tickets to come back the next day. No.

But I was like, we're not coming back. We're not going to the hospital. Well, she wants to stop buying her the other eyelid just to make everything even. Here's some tickets. I texted you the photo. My dad's railroad insurance paid for all the medical bills. King's Island did not pay for anything. I got a pink t-shirt.

Okay, so we just got the photo and I can confirm that yeah, you clearly have some major eyelid damage. You look happy though, if I'm being honest. Do you see the t-shirt that has Megan down at the corner? Oh, that's the shirt. So you were pretty pumped. Wow. That's great. Oh my God, you'll wish this shirt said,

I got my eyelid ripped off at Kings Island and all I got was this stupid shirt. That's what this shirt should have said. Oh, Megan, that was great. I'm glad that you have healed up so nicely. Thank you so much for having me. I really appreciate it. Yeah, thanks for chatting.

That was really fun. Have a great day and thanks for telling us that. Okay. All right. Bye bye. An eyelid. Of all the things to have ripped off. On a, like a nail or, yuck.

I've had some major skin rips on those fiberglass. Have you been down one of those slides? When you go on the potato sack? I can't remember. There's a wild one on Belle Isle. There's a lot of viral videos. It's the most dangerous thing in the world. And it's just a public,

like there's not even someone monitoring it yet. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated.

Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and of course a great shower. Expedia, made to travel. Hello. Hi, Connor.

How are you? I'm fabulous. You live in a cold climate, I see. Hello. Hi, Connor. How are you? I'm fabulous. You live in a cold climate, I see. There's lots of winter jackets behind you. Cleveland, Ohio. Oh, wonderful. We are in the Midwest today.

Our first call was in Michigan. Our second was in Indy. And now we're in Columbus, Ohio. I love that. Yes, the Tri-State area. The chair you're sitting on is very Midwest. Thank you so much. Yes.

Monica's, you know, she's got her misgivings about this chair, but yeah, I think if you're from the tri-state area, this looks very much like something your grandma would do. I thought the tri-state area was New York, New Jersey. I think you can call any three states the tri-state area. Yeah, I think that's probably right. They're all the same place. They are, right? We try to act like there's some difference, but when I'm in Ohio, I think that's probably right. Okay. They're all the same place. They are, right?

We try to act like there's some difference, but when I'm in Ohio, I'm like, if you told me it's Michigan, of course it is. Cleveland is very similar to Detroit in my opinion. It is, and my boyfriend's actually from Detroit. He feels at home in Cleveland, I bet. Yeah, they're like the same city. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so then clearly your story's gonna take place at Cedar Point. Of course it is. Wow, two Cedar Points. This is a real feather in the cap. I mean, look, I have to say, not boating well for your tri-state area that all of these bad stories, because there's a lot of amusement parks

in the South and in Florida, and so far we haven't had any of those. I take pride in that. Do you, Connor? I like that. Oh, absolutely. I like a little controversy that comes along with an amusement park. Amusement park you go to, you don't want to see a sign

that's like voted America's safest from amusement park. Cause then you're like, well, this is going to be boring. 100%. And you know, we're also known for our state fairs in Ohio, which are notoriously dangerous. So I just like the danger all the way around. That's the thing is if you're comparing the safety record to any of these amusement parks to fucking state fairs that roll through town.

I mean, those things are truly Russian roulette. They really are. So walk us through it. What year, what was the scene? What happened? So mine actually takes place at the water park. I hope it's E. Coli.

Oh, she already, it's not E. Coli. It was 1999. That was about eight years old and we used to go to Cedar point all the time. I'm an hour away. And when I was younger, we'd go up there for the weekend and stay at the breakers hotel. If you're familiar, they're right on the water.

Okay. I never got to stay at a hotel there. I always wanted to cause you can see them from the top of the silver streak, but I'm before the water park. So I've never been to the water park. Is it spectacular? It's okay. Okay.

It's actually kind of a letdown considering it's Cedar Point. We would feel very, very bougie. Like I grew up in kind of just middle class. So if you're staying at the breakers, like at school, you were going to the Taj Mahal at Cedar Point. Yeah. Just to give you a picture

of what kind of a trip this would be for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On this day, it was really, really packed. I was with my mom. I have a little brother and my dad and it would always be us four who go. I rode roller coasters from a young age. Starting at Geauga Lake, which is in Aurora, Ohio, which was later Six Flags and now closed. But I always wanted to do things by myself. So at this particular water park, me and my mom were together and you know, at water parks, they have like a chain of slides.

You climb up like four or five stories and there's like multiple slides. So I begged my mom to let me go by myself. Up the stairs, grab my own tube. This was gonna be a tube slide. Ooh, I love those. They're so fun. Like one of the donut tubes.

And can we just take one second? To me, the scariest part of these water parks is the wet staircase you're climbing up into the sky. Like the slide is nothing. It's that crazy staircase climb up in heavy, heavy traffic with everyone holding these oversized donuts and bumping into each other. That was scary.

There's so much bumping. Yeah, you think you're gonna fall backwards down a wet cement staircase. Such a universal experience. It's just like the most American. It is. Oh my God, we gotta send David to a water park. Oh my God.

I would love that. Yeah, okay. Send him to kind of like a half abandoned water park in like the middle of Florida or something. So yeah, so my mom probably begrudgingly lets me go up to the top of the slide. They use a red light, green light system. So there's the stop light at the top.

And then I'm assuming some lifeguard at the bottom presses a button and it gives you a green light and that's how you know to go. Well today they weren't using that system because it was so crowded. Oh, that seems like the time you'd most wanna use it but continue. So none of it makes sense.

I'm like eight years old. I probably weigh a hundred pounds, very small. And I get in my tube and off I go down the slide and this slide is open and then there's parts of it that are like pitch black and closed in like a tube. So when you're going through those, you can't see where you're going. I get into a pitch black part of the tube

and my tube stops in the middle of the slide. And I just cannot go. Oh my God. It's not just like a little water slide at like a hotel. It's like a big water slide. You're going 25, 30 miles an hour down this thing. 100% and I'm freaking out. I later through context clues.

Like how did I get stuck? It's because my little butt at the time I was so little wasn't reaching the water underneath. Right. It wasn't concaving the tube enough and it's just riding on the sides of the dry tube. Right. Requirement rate requirements.

Those were obviously out the window. It's the late nineties. Like no one really cared about anything. And Connor, I have a nine and a 10 year old. Let me just say you weren't a hundred pounds. You were 60 out the window. It's the late 90s, like no one really cared about anything. And Connor, I have a nine and a 10 year old. Let me just say you weren't a hundred pounds. You were 60 pounds. Yeah, exactly. That's what an eight year old weighs.

Exactly. Yeah. No one thought anything of it. They're like, yeah, enjoy yourself, go down. So I'm stuck in the middle of the slide and I'm obviously yelling, screaming. I cannot get myself unstuck. All of a sudden I feel and can like hear the water

rushing underneath me. Like someone's coming down. Oh my God. And I turn around and a not exaggerating 350, 375 pound man, very large, probably six, five, six, six, like just a ginormous human being. A wrestler from WWE. Barely down the slide.

Runs into me. Obviously, there's nowhere else to go. I kind of black out from there, but my mom recalls from the bottom. She sees me go in the slide and then just sees this man come out because you can like see the top of the sky. My God. Never saw me come out. Oh you can like see the top of the side. Oh my God. Never saw me come out. Oh my God. This is so stressful.

She sees this man come out. I am underneath him in the water. Passed out? No, I wasn't passed out. I was just like underneath him. Like I rode underneath him the rest of the way down the water slide. Oh my God.

A little tiny child. Yeah. He was using me as a tube. So to give you a little background of what my mom was like, half Italian, half Irish, take control, don't fuck with me kind of woman. She wore the pants in the family like my mom was the one you were scared of. So she's at the bottom and they all run in the water, the lifeguards, everyone. It's this huge commotion on this crowded day. They dive in and get me out because this guy, he's a bigger guy so he can't really maneuver. So I'm just like

underneath him in the water. But he knows you are. Yes, because we locked eyes before he ran into me. It was one of those moments where you're like, this is happening and there's nothing either of us can do about it. Yeah, yeah. Disaster is imminent. So they get me out from underneath him. My back's like all red and scratchy.

Those tubes are connected. They're modular and every place they connect it, there's a seam and that always scratches you. And that's why you're on an inner tube instead of going down raw dog. But now you're raw dog with 300 pounds on you. It had to like cheese great. I'm surprised you survived this.

As raw dog as they come and not the fun kind of raw dog. Right, right, not the intimate kind. When I was telling my boyfriend that I was gonna be on the show, I did tell him that I would make the joke that it wouldn't be the last time I was underneath a really big man. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

You might be reenacting that trauma. I have considered that. Anyway, so my mom gets me out from underneath him, the guy and his mother for some reason, he was with his mom. What? Oh no, oh this is getting his mom. What? Oh no. Oh, this is getting so weird.

This is very Ohio. It's the most Ohio thing in the world. He's apologizing, like he feels horrible. My mom is in the lifeguard's face. They told us they weren't using the system that day, the red light, green light system. I called my dad because I didn't remember. I mean, this story has been passed down

through my family for years. We ended up going to the back and hanging out with the people who like run the water park. And I asked my dad, did we get like a free pass? They didn't give us a free pass. They said they gave me some like snacks and a juice box. Oh my God. You'd think they'd want some hush money.

Well, to comfort you though, Connor, the last person we talked to lost her eyelid on one of those slides and they gave her a fucking shirt. They gave her a shirt with her name in it. They didn't even give her a season's pass. Yeah, I think we're under the assumption now that Cedar Point considering their most recent scandal with what happened with Top Thrill Dragster,

I just don't think they care very much. What happened there? Oh, that's why they rebuilt the ride and they're opening it new this year. Top thrill too, because a piece fell off and hit someone in the head and almost killed him. Oh, okay. Okay.

Well, these things are going to happen. So they closed it down and now it has a launch track on the back too. And it's opening this year. Oh, exciting. Will you be first one on? I don't know if first one, but I'll be there. Okay. That's great.

I do wonder if there's a chart in back in the break room that says like drowned by big guy snacks. All the way up to like, I wonder if like lose a limb and seasons pass for three. Yes, exactly. It's one of those scenarios where I like, does this guy tell this story to everyone that he encounters too, or is this just something I felt?

Maybe he's a listener or is this just something I tell? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Maybe he's a listener or maybe his mom is. Well, Connor, this has been delightful. God, did it take me back to Cedar Point? The clientele, it's hysterical you would stay at Breaker's because you're like 45 minutes from home. It's so opulent. No one needs to spend the night when you live in Cleveland.

That's what you do. It's just the bougie thing to do. We lived in Detroit and we never spent the night. You had a two and a half hour car ride after your full day at the park with my grandpa falling asleep and rubbing spit in his eyes to stay awake and drinking coffee. I think that was the best vacation we could take without my parents having to spend like a large amount of time with us in a car. Yeah. So like we're just going to do this this way. Yeah. It's almost a stay just gonna do this this way. Yeah, it's almost a staycation, I guess.

Of sorts. Yeah. All right, well, Connor, this has been delightful. Yes, thank you. It's so fun meeting you. I do wanna say one thing real quick, Dex. I've been listening to you for a while. I'm also a friend of Bill W.

Ah! If I make it till tomorrow, I'll have six years cleaning so I'll be there. Oh, yes! Congratulations! So I thought it was such a crazy happenstance, but real quick to my boyfriend's listener and he wants to say hi.

Of course, get him in here. Hello. Hey guys. Hello. I'm a relatively new listener. Welcome. We appreciate it. Your muscularity is very appealing. You've got a very strong, sturdy look.

That's a good adjective, sturdy. I'm gonna use that. That's how the gays do it, Dex. And where are you from? Oh, I know, I'm just one click away. Where are you from in Michigan? Birmingham. Oh, wonderful.

That's bougie. We were speaking of bougieness. When you would go to Cedar Point as a kid, would you guys spend the night at Breakers or would you drive your ass all the way back up to Birmingham? Back to Birmingham. Yeah, right?

These fucking Clevelanders are so opulent. I didn't even know you could say that. Yeah, none of us Michiganders, our parents didn't let us know that there were hotels. Well, it's nice meeting both of you, it's such a delight. All right, take care guys. Bye. Bye.

Oh, that was so fun. Thought that was gonna be cute. Between me and Connor? No, the eight year old and the... Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Like he was with his mom. Oi. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oi, oi, oi. California is so misleading. Everyone else in the country, like 45 year old guys do go to water parks with their moms. Um, no. I don't know anyone that I know in the South going to water parks with their moms. Was the mom watching the boy come down the thing?

I'm sure. Like, sheering him out. Oh, man. That wasn't your fault, Tim. I don't know why that little boy stuck himself in that tube. Oh, God. Yeah, water parks, I'm sorry, there aren't more. Well, maybe Danielle will be.

E. coli. Yeah. Here's Danielle. You're hot- E. coli. Yeah. Here's Danielle. You're hot for E. coli. Hello. Hello. Uh-oh. We can't hear you.

We can just barely hear you for some reason. Uh-oh, hold on. We're gonna need Rob to intervene. What's your theory on why we can barely hear? Do you have headphones? Do you have headphones in? I don't, is that not gonna work? It makes the audio tricky. Do you, is there anyone you think that not gonna work it makes the audio tricky

Do you use are anyone you think might have earbuds that you could borrow? Unfortunately, everyone's teaching right now. I'm at my school. Okay, we'll get what we can get. Where are you teaching? I'm in Fairfax, Virginia Okay We've had three Midwest in a row and I'm glad we've gone over to Virginia. Yeah, it's like we went to California But we don't know where the actual amusement park Yeah. It's not like we went to California. But we don't know where the actual amusement park is. That's true, we don't know.

Well, it's actually near Buffalo, which is where I'm originally from. Okay, what was the big amusement park there? Darien Lake, like a Six Flags. Was it good size? Have you been to other amusement parks? How does it compare? I would say it's smaller than a Cedar Point,

but it's got all the things. It has a water park, it has the regular park. Okay, and you've been to Cedar Point though? I would say it's smaller than a Cedar Point, but it's got all the things. It has a water park, it has the regular park. Okay. You've been to Cedar Point though. I have. Wonderful, because two of our three stories so far took place at Cedar Point. Oh, that's so funny.

Okay, but this is Buffalo. Yes. Okay. So this was about 16 years ago. I was 14 years old. Okay. My dad's work every year had like a family fun day. So we all went and he said, bring a friend.

So I brought my friend Mariah and he goes, you're old enough. You guys can go around, have fun. And then at the end of the day, we'll all meet at the Ferris wheel. Is that your first time ever being on your own at an amusement park? Yes, it was the first time alone.

And this is eighth grade, so you're on the scan for boys every five seconds? Kind of, but we were also goody two shoes, so maybe too nervous to talk to the boys, but definitely had our eyes peeled. My favorite part of going in junior high was all you were doing is looking in line. Like, is there a cute girl?

And then if you were in the frame, oh my God, look how hot that girl is. And every time you came through the turnstile, you tried to make eye contact. It was so fun. I mean, those were the days. And it was hot out. So we're like, let's go to the water park first thing,

cool off, and then we'll do all the rides. So I'm wearing a one-piece, which is crucial. We go in and I said, let's go in the wave pool. And Mariah was like, I'm not going in there, that's gross. Like, fine, I'll go by myself. I'm trying to prove a point. So I go in, I'm like splashing around, the'll go by myself. I'm trying to prove a point, so I go in, I'm like splashing around, the waves are crashing over,

and after a few moments, I realize that there's like an old gentleman in like a Speedo following me around. Oh boy. Oh boy. And what's old? Like, what do we think? Is this a 70 year old or a 50 year old or a 30 year old? Probably 70. Oh. I was just kind of like, not so fun anymore.

I tried to prove my point. I'll get out. So when I get out of the wave pool, all the lifeguards blow the whistles to make everybody get out. I didn't think too much of it. It was a lot of people in there and we're like safety check, normal, whatever. Because just to remind people who have not been to a wave pool, this happens a lot. In fact, Monica and I were just in India talking about wave pools

and how I think they were kind of the scariest thing I ever did as a kid. Because when you got to the deep end, it was like, and they would blow that whistle and everyone had to get out. Someone was drowning every 45 minutes. Exactly. Okay. So that's what we thought is probably just a safety check. Let's go.

So when I meet up with Mariah at our place where we put all our towels, all of a sudden the whole place smelled like poo. Oh, I think I might get my wish. Oh. It was overwhelming. And we were like, that's nasty, let's go. But you were by your locker, so you're by the bathrooms as well, maybe?

Right, we're like kind of in that space where like you can collect your things before you head out to the main park. So we threw our clothes on over our bathing suits. Now I was wearing my bathing suit as clothes. It had like a skirt attachment. So I just put a shirt on over it and we're going on rides.

We're standing in line. It is hot out. We're baking in the sun and the smell is just not going away. It's getting worse. Oh. And I keep bringing it up, it's getting worse. And I keep bringing it up because it's nasty. Mariah is acting so strange.

I'm like, don't you smell that? And she's like, no, I don't smell anything. I don't smell anything. At this point, we had been friends for years. Like we knew each other since we were four. So I'm like, what is going on? Now, if Mariah were here, this is where she would pipe in and say,

Danielle smelled so bad. And everybody was looking at us. Oh my God. I pray this is going where I think it's going. And so I'm just annoyed with her because she's acting weird. Why? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, empty seats around us. Oh my God. Poor Mariah. Good friend. Yeah, really good friend. Poor bad friend, I can't. No, good friend.

So her thought is either Danielle crapped herself and she knows it and she's lying about it, which she doesn't know what to do about that. Right, right, you join your delusion or be a good friend and keep up this lie. Her other thought is I don't know, but she also doesn't really know what to do about that situation.

It's a lot for a 14 year old to figure out. We're in there for 30 minutes inside with all these people. And afterward, when we come out, it's been about six hours since we've been in the water park. And I'm like, I have to pee. So let's start heading towards the Ferris wheel and let's find a bathroom.

And Mariah was like, great, okay, this is it. And so we get there and I'm thinking, I'm just gonna go in there to pee. So I go in there and if you remember, I'm wearing a one-piece, so I like had to pull the whole thing down. What color is the one-piece? It was floral.

Oh, that's helpful. Okay. Inside of the suit and all over my torso, my body was poop covered in it. Diarrhea? Smeared everywhere, but it's not mine. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I knew.

Wait, it's not yours? No, wave pool Exactly, I knew. Wait, it's not yours? No, wave pool. There's poops always in wave pools. But how the fuck did it get up inside your one piece? Because she was floating in the wave pool. The theory is that it like came down through like the top of my bathing suit. Your cleavage? Yes.

Entered through the cleavage and landed on the torso. Yes. Oh my God. And I see it, it's everywhere. Yeah. You're covered in shit. Covered, and I just cried. But it's the end of the day at a Six Flags, so there's no toilet paper.

None of the sink is working. Also, how are you gonna clean your torso in a sink? I had to put the suit back on because I didn't have any clothes. This is a true nightmare. True American nightmare. Were you screaming for Mariah? Well, I kind of was, but she couldn't hear me

because there's so many people outside. So I run out there and I'm crying and she's like, well, what's wrong? There's poop in my bathing suit. And she says, I know, like, don't worry. I'll never tell anybody. I'm like, what are you talking about? You know.

And so I'm sitting there for a minute, still crying, wondering why she's acting like this. And then I realized she thinks it's me, that I did it. Yes, well, as did I listening to the story. I'm like, oh, you shit yourself and didn't feel it in the big waves. This isn't like you though, because you're so good at context clues

and the making everyone get out of the wave pool is obviously there's been a huge accident. But that could have been her accident. How many people do we think shit all over themselves and don't know it? Well, how many people walk around for six hours with shit all over themselves and don't know it. Well, how many people walk around for six hours with shit all over themselves and don't know it either? I mean, you're comparing.

I mean, I know. I'm a bad option. That is pretty bad. It's a bad option. I know. My theory is that because my suit was damp, that's why. Yeah, it's already wet. And also when you smell poop and you know you didn't do it,

your first thought is not, let me look. Yeah, exactly. That's very fair. You're thinking, well, I know I didn't just shit. I would have felt it. Yeah. Although we don't know, I know I didn't just shit. I would have felt it. Although we don't know. The wave pool is very distracting. I think we would, but yeah.

But you know, crazier things have happened. I was like, is it mine? And then she loses it. She's cracking up. She was like, oh my gosh, you've smelled so bad. Oh. And also the shit smells worse when it's not yours. Of course, yes.

Yes, if it's your own, you're like, yeah, well. That's why you would kind of know it was yours. Would you? I think so. How did you handle the car ride? And when you got to the Ferris wheel, did you tell your dad, like, I'm covered in shit? Haven't been all day.

We're like at the Ferris wheel, basically, and my parents see me and they're like, what are you crying about? And I told them the whole thing and I like show my mom and she was like, it's disgusting. And we tried to do like a sponge bath, but you still have to wear it home. So it was an hour ride back.

Why does your mom buy you some clothes? They have clothes there. You know, that would be a great idea. I haven't ever thought of that. Why didn't she buy me clothes on the way out? But yeah, we drove home with the windows open and it was a very quiet car ride. My brother and sister were dying.

Oh yeah. This is like a Christmas gift for the rest of the family. I'll ask the question that you wanna ask. Do you think it got in your lady parts? It stopped kind of right at around like the gut area, more just like chest, gut, sides. Oh, cause that could be E. coli. Surely, you're lucky you didn't get E. Coli.

Yeah. So I showered a lot, bathing suit was no more and I don't go in wave pools anymore. Yeah. It's best to not go in those. I don't even see them much anymore. I don't know if they've gone the way of the dodo or not because again, someone's always drowning in them.

I was a very strong swimmer as a kid and I was panicked when I was in the deep end but I had to cause my brother was there. But I never got covered in shit. Nor did I see that. It was always a thing like shining down the wave pool because poop. Like always. Maybe that's what Mariah knew and I didn't realize.

And I also think that's why they blew the whistles to have everyone get out. Exactly. They found it. You know, I used to think that maybe it was the old man in the speedo, but someone brought it to my attention. They're like, maybe he saw it and he was trying to like warn you. Might've been helping you. That was a red herring, that part of the story.

It was a very good mislead. Yeah, I liked it. Yeah. Cause I thought when he blew the whistle, we were going to look back and the old man was naked or something. Yeah, exactly. Purve story. Textbook purve story.

Well, Danielle, that was tremendous. I love that you just for six hours were like, God damn it smells Textbook Purve story. Well, Danielle, that was tremendous. I love that you just for six hours were like, God damn, it smells. It's so long. Thank you guys so much. This was so much fun. Oh, same.

Maybe there's others that it happened to. You gotta imagine, like the stories we hear on here, you think like so much crazy stuff is happening all day every day. It's a wild world. If this show has proven anything, it's that it's a wild world. If this show has proven anything, it's that it's a wild world. My God.

Well, Danielle, this was a delight. Thank you so much. Great meeting you and thanks for taking time out of your school day for this. So worth it, so much fun. Okay, take care. Bye. Oh, well, you know, as often happens when we do these,

I get reminded of one of my own. Same, you go first. Okay, so Colleen, my friend from Michigan, who I was in love with, moved to Washington. I've talked about this many times. She moved to Bellevue, I went to visit her. We found out there was a water park. We went, this is at my poorest point as an adult, right? I was probably 21 or 20.

And I knew my shorts, I had been in them for many years. I was aware that like, it's time for some new shorts, but nothing that really made me panic. I changed into my shorts in the car in the parking lot. I didn't want to have to pay for a locker and we got on a water slide at the very back of the park. We also don't have towels. We go down this slide.

I come out of the water and she's laughing hysterically and the entire back of my shorts ripped off. Yeah, so your butt's exposed. Fully, butt, thighs, the whole nine yard and we don't have a towel and we don't have any clothes and she just kind of had to walk behind me to cover as we walked through this entire water park to go back out to the car.

Oh man. Yeah, what was yours? I just remembered, cause when she said corporate retreat or something, my mom had one, I think at Lake Lanier, and I got food poisoning there and I puked. You did? On the street twice.

Oh my gosh. I hate puking. Where in Lake Lanier? Lake Lanier water park. Oh, there was a water park there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Which was fun. Until hate puking. Where in Lake Lanier? Lake Lanier Water Park. Oh, there was a water park there. Oh, okay. Which was fun.

Until you puked everywhere. Yeah, I didn't really wanna tell that story. I just remembered it. Do you think you got food poisoning or you ingested some E. coli? Let's say it was E. coli. Yeah, cause that way you get your story. And it turns out you were holding on

to the story you wanted the whole time. Wow, profound. Yeah, I was right in front of wanted the whole time. Wow, profound. Yeah, I was right in front of you the whole time. All right, love you. Love you. Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know a theme song.

Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions And with the help of Armcherry's we'll get some suggestions On the fire, Rhyme Dish On the fire, Rhyme Dish Enjoy!