Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Animal Attack III

Episode Date: July 10, 2026

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an animal attack.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepherd. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi. Hi. Today we have animal attacks, part three. So, these are scary. Yeah, animal attacks are very scary.

They're scary and it's validating. Yeah, and we got a monkey one, which I love. There's one that involves an animal that I also have had some issues with this year. Oh, uh-huh. So, you know, I just feel validated. You feel validated, yeah, yeah. Seen. I feel seen.

You will, too. enjoy Animal Attacks, Part 3. We are supported by Airbnb. You know, Moni, I was just reminiscing recently about this trip. I took to Musco a while back. Canada in the summer, it's just unbelievable. The lakes, the trees, all these gorgeous wooden boats everyone collects around there. NHL players on the lake.

What a place. It's just one of those places where you immediately feel your nervous system calmed down. I do feel like every time you talk about that trip, you feel very at peace. I really was. I think part of what makes a trip like that memorable is when you actually get to settle into a place. You start finding your rhythm, your coffee shop, your morning walk. There's several little restaurants on the lakes. They're all connected. There's a big chain of lakes. And the restaurants are so good and you park your boat out there and you get to sit on the water. It's just heaven. That's my favorite kind of trip when it starts to feel less like visiting and more like you live there for a little bit. And honestly, it's even better when you can share it with family or friends. It's those little routines and moments that end up becoming the stuff you remember later. That's why I love finding places on Airbnb that help me feel like a local somewhere new. All times come and go.

Take them slow. I'm shining. Is this Laura? Hello, it is. Of course it's Laura, but my mother had a client. Her name's Laura, and he always called her Laura. Okay, I pronounce mine. Laura. So not even Laura. Oh, okay. Yeah, different. Where are you? I'm currently sitting in Canada,

but I'm from Delaware. I'm at the scene of the crime. Oh, you are. You're returning to heal some past trauma. For sure, for sure. No, it's for a friend's bachelorette party, but I made that friend through the story. A lot of connections. Delaware's our tiniest state, yeah? Second smallest. I think Rhode Island's number one. Oh, congratulations, Rhode Island. But it's a teensy little fellow, right? She's small. knows everybody. I can name every high school in the state. Wow. Oh, really? Aubrey Plaza, one of the only famous people from Delaware, did acting classes with her. Everybody knows everybody. She was always cool? Always cool. Yeah. Some people were born cool, right, Monty? They sure are. They sure are. Okay. What is very cool is to be attacked by an animal. Yes. Tell us about your animal attack story.

Well, let me set the scene. I was a wilderness canoe trip leader for years in Canada. This particular trip was one of the harder trips that the camp led. And I was given a group of 10, 14-year-old boys and me. Oh, boy. What age were you? 20, probably. Horrible ratio, though. And this particular day was going to be a doozy. Like, we had to wake up at 5 a.m. We were going to be paddling until 9 or 10 p.m. But we knew the end of the day was going to be this section of creeks and portages, like six portages, six creeks. The creeks were really short in between the longer portages. And so it was exhausting. So I knew we needed to get there early. And so before we started this system of creeks and portages, we were like, everybody fill up your water jugs and your water bottles, because once you get

onto it, it's like muck. Like it smells bad. There's beaver dams. There's nowhere you can fill up your water. So this has probably taken us five hours to get through these. And we're at the second to last one. Everybody's out of water. Everybody's exhausted. It's a hot day. We get to the end and there's a couple coming up to us. And they're like, hey, there's a moose out there. It's really cool. And we're like, Oh, great. Wonderful. We come out that end and this moves are huge. I actually was like, this is the size of an elephant. Wow. Yeah. So we look out and we're like, oh, this is cool, right? At first, by the way, its entire body is blocking the creek, like head on one end of the bank and butt on the other end of the bank. So we can't paddle. Is it a bull or a female? Do you know?

It was a female. Relevant later in the story. So we're admiring, having a good time. Okay, 10 minutes of admiring turns into 20, 30, 40. Now it's been an hour. hour. It's probably 8.30. Everybody's dehydrated. We are one portage away from being done the day and on a lake where we can fill up our water. And the boys are starting to go from like, Laura, like, what the heck? This is your fault, whatever, like joking around to like silence. Now I'm worried. People are really dehydrated and we have to get out of here. And so we had a bear horn to scare bears away if they came onto your campsite. We can't move until it moves. So air hornet looks up at us, looks back down, doesn't care. So I'm like, this is a mess. Now it's probably been an hour and a half.

Still eating, chilling, not moving. So I see there's like a rock. And I'm like, let me just climb up that rock and look out, survey the land and see if there's any other way to get around this moose. And so I see what I think, like, if this is the creek and then there's a big thing of land, grass, marsh, and then it looked like another little creek pathway around that you could circumvent the moose. So we're like, perfect. I've got the solution. Get everybody in the boats. The kids are freaking out. The kid in my boat starts to cry because to do this, we have to pass the moose pretty close. You could like reach out with a paddle to the moose. Start doing that paddle. It doesn't really care about us. Doesn't really look. We get over. Once we start doing this paddle,

I realize that it's like muck. You're sticking your paddle in and heaving the canoes forward, but it's not thick enough to stand in. So if like a kid tried to walk in it, he'd sink. I was afraid they would drown because you can't swim through it. We've, like, heaved them far enough that going back is going to be really hard. So I'm like, okay, there's land that I can, like, leap to myself. So I'm going to try that. So I leap onto the shore. And as soon as I do it, I'm like, I don't know about this.

Like, it's giving moose home. Oh, no. A lot of moose poop on the ground. And it's a female. So I'm like, what if there's a calf back here? Moose are super territorial. These thoughts are kind of happening. And as I'm having them, in the calmest voice, you've literally ever heard a 16-year-old do.

He was like, hey, Laura. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, the moose is attacking us. Oh, my God. Turn around. Moose is running. No. Like, dense sprint at us.

And if you will picture with me for a second, I'm standing on the land and all of the campers are in boats in front of me. This is a worst-case scenario. As a leader, like, you've got to be the one that gets attacked. Yeah. You can survive on the land. Moose has bad eyesight. But if they all get attacked and they get into the water, like, it's over. Wow.

The adrenaline was rushing so quickly. I really don't know how I managed to do this, but leaped back into the boats all the way to the front leader boat, getting pulling the bear spray, which is like mace times 10. I couldn't think of this in the moment, but afterwards I realized the wind was pushing out of sort of mace myself and all the. Hamper as if I had actually done it, but I was like holding it like a gun. It comes up to a stopstead, okay?

It's like breathing out really loudly. I could pet its nose. It's so close to us. Scott, like a hoove out, we're staring at each other. And I'm like, oh, my God, in this moment, I don't know if this is true because I can't read a moose's thought. But I was like, in this moment, it's deciding if it's going to genuinely kill us or walk away. Yeah, yeah.

If it had but one foot in the boat, he could have flipped the boat and the kids would have drowned. Like, we cannot swim in this water we were in, but you'd sink down into it. Your brain works in strange ways when you're going through this. I remember in this moment staring at this moose when my mother was training our dog back in the day, was like the best way to train a dog is you'd alpha mail it. Like, you stare it in the eyes. Do not blank. Do not look away.

Just stare at it until it puts its head down and walks away. So in this moment, I'm like, I'm going to alpha mail this shit out of this moose. That's the only option I have right now. I stare at it. It stares at me. I don't know how long it lasted. It could have been forever. Out of the corner of my eye, two of the boys paddles in the air like they're about to start beating it.

Oh, no. Boys put the paddles now. Right. 100%. Two of the boys feed in the water. I'm like, do not do that. Boy in my canoe, sobbing. And this one kid we had from Spain, totally oblivious all the time, was like, you guys, look a frog over here.

And I was like, there's a fucking moose. Oh, my God. Eventually, it looks down and walks away. So I'm like, I have a man. I'm freaking out, right? We paddle as fast as we can to this next lake. And the real moral of the story is we go back to the summer camp. They're teenage boys.

So they start exaggerating the story and telling all these insane things. And so by my last year at this summer camp, I had this little boy come up to, he's like probably seven, come up to me. and be like, you're that girl that killed a moose with its bare hands. It ate its heart wrong. I was like, yeah, that was me. So if anybody's listening, I guess I'm making myself sound less cool. The fact that you just held your position is warrior status. It is.

I mean, the head on that thing is bigger than this coffee tape. I mean, it's just so enormous. They get to 1,800 pounds. No, they're enormous. Did you have any pittle in your slacks when this was all over? 1,000 percent. And they also, have you heard of this concept of tracker bears where like they will hunt you basically and kill you in the woods? No.

Tell us about tracker bears. Everybody's so afraid of them up there, especially the kids. But you'll see them once a day, the bear. And you'll be like, is that the same bear? And it's like following you. Oh, it's like a stalker. They should call it stalker bear, not tracker bear. That is not a concept with moose.

But all of them are like, we're going to have a tracker moose. It's going to find our campsite. We're going to get murdered. So I spent the whole night awake trying to come from it. Oh, man, what a horrible job. I'm impressed and we need people to do that, but wow. Well, everyone should continue doing it. And it's good for kids.

That's what I'm saying. There's like a teenager out there protecting preteens from a moose. I know, but you're doing such a good job. I'm impressed. I don't know. I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have paddle over there. If we had waited another 30, maybe it would have moved. Yeah, but everyone was like passing out, basically.

You were in a bad situation. It was genuinely scary. I was like, genuinely, I'm going to lose my life today. This is crazy. But these boys thought you were so radical afterwards? Yes, but they told everybody at the camp we killed the moose, so I'm not sure. So many rumors start flying. Yeah.

An investigation by fishing game. Yeah. What's the situation with mosquitoes and black flies and all that stuff? Oh, my God. You've never seen anything like it. Well, I was doing a portage one time with a pink rain jacket on. So many mosquitoes and flies on my wrist, I couldn't see the pink anymore. No, no.

Nope, nope, I'm good. So bad, but it gets better once you're in, like, August. So you're just up for fun right now? Yeah, just a bachelor at parties. My friend Rachel's Bachelor at party. Any portaging? We're actually going back to the town where the camp is run, but we're not doing a canoe trip.

It's a bachelor party, you know, what happened. Could I do a quick shout-up before you then? I just wanted to shout out my friend Lori, who's like the biggest armchair in the world, and she's got some great stories, so maybe you'll meet her one day. Okay, look forward to it. My wonderful fiancé Nick, who listens to all every episode in the car, with me. And my friend Sally and Joe, whose room I'm in right now, they're craft rooms. Oh,

craft room. That sounds so fun. Shout out to everyone. Well, have a great time. Thank you guys so much. You're so nice meeting you. All right. Take care. Bye. Sarah? Hi. How you doing? Good. How are you guys? Good. Good. How many long flowing dresses you have? Well, this is my long hang section. Oh, I love a long hang section. Are you a Stevie Nicks fan? I like Stevie Nix, but I mean, And I wouldn't say I'm a super fan. You're kind of an innocuous question. Everybody likes Stevie Nix. Yeah.

Do you have a whimsical, flowy dress vibe in the summer? I turned 50 this year. And yes, I've kind of adopted that. I just don't give a crap what I look like. I just want to be like myself and be comfortable. Dress is very in. You picked a great time to be comfortable because it's in. Thank you.

And speaking of Stevie Nix, Monica, Taylor, last night at the NBA. I was just about to bring it up. What happened? The Knicks one. The Stevie Nix? And Taylor was there and had a shirt that said Stevie Nix. Oh, she did? Oh, that's clever.

Yeah. Anyway, thank you for seeing me when you saw that. You guys don't know this, but we're all really good friends because I spend a lot of time with both of you. No, we do know that. We do. We know that feeling quite well. Our parisocial relationships coming tomorrow. David Sedaris is coming back. My favorite.

Okay, you have an animal attack story. Where are you in the country? So I am in Beverly Front. Massachusetts. Now, that is 20 miles north of Boston and it is what Beverly Hills was named after. No way. Explain. Tell us that. So it's fancy. I just know that President Taft used to vacation here in this town and that this is where Beverly Hills got its name, something about the Rolling Hills. I haven't done the full Wikipedia, but that's what I hear. But this story takes place in my hometown, which is right next door, five minutes away, which is Manchester.

by the sea. Oh, that's a very sad movie. I was going to say, permanently make you sad now. They kind of ruin the name. They did, and it's not actually a good reflection of the town. The town is much more mellow and very cheery and a beautiful place to grow up. So this story takes place about nine years ago in April, and I am a dog lover, Monica, sorry. Don't apologize.

Sorry. Now people are apologizing for liking dogs. Sorry, I don't hate dogs, Monica. I've always had a bunch of dogs and walking them and taking care of them is just like very therapeutic. It's just one of the loves of my life. So in this particular story, I had my own two dogs and I was also taking care of my sister's dog and a friend's six-month-old puppy. So because I had four really active, energetic dogs, I'm thinking I want to discharge their batteries early in the morning, take them for a really good, like off leash walk, we'll blow it out in the morning and then they'll rest all day.

Perfect. It's like kids. You just want to kind of like tire them out and then they're good. So I take them to a trail in Manchester where I've walked many times before and it's early in the morning. And I'm thinking, okay, like off leash. I had brought two leashes with me because I only usually had two dogs with me. And we start in on the trail. And let me just explain kind of a dynamic.

So there's my sister's dog's fine. This puppy's great. One of my dogs is an English setter and not as a bird hunting dog. And these dogs are athletes. He is amazing. He runs in the woods, checking in with me, and all of a sudden I hear him barking really loudly, maybe 150 yards into the woods. And I can't see him, but I can hear him in very quickly, the barks turn to only what I can describe as dog screaming. Oh.

And now I look down and I have three other dogs with me. It felt like it took me two hours to come to this conclusion, but it was probably 10 seconds. and I quickly had a puppy and a larger dog to a tree. And I start running through the woods with one dog still following me towards his cries. And I come to a clearing. I finally find Billy. And now this is New England Woods. It's branches, it's leaves.

It's a disaster. And I see Billy in the middle of a clearing. There are three coyotes just taking turns, lunging, grabbing at him. No. Oh, no. Billy. He's like a 60-pound dog who is used for hunting. I mean, he's a good-sized dog. The coyotes where we are are a little different, I think, than the coyotes where you guys are. The eastern coyotes are definitely like a 50-50 wolf coyote hybrid, so they're big.

They can be anywhere from, I think, around 35 to 60 pounds. And these were pretty big coyotes, and there was three of them. They're going at him. And I'm standing there for like one second. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to watch this happen. Like, I got to do it. It's like, your kid, you know, you're like, I got to do something. So I run in and I just grab Billy by the back of the neck and rape the blow his tail. And I'm just dragging him out of the woods and I'm holding him. And they're grabbing at his legs.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah. And didn't you say you had another dog with you, though? Did you bring one dog to the scene? I had one dog with me. And he was kind of just staying back, which is obviously. really smart. Yeah. And I'm now playing tug of war with my dog's body and these coyotes. Oh my goodness.

And I'm screaming. And this is like one of those moments you guys where you look around. You're like, well, where's the adult? You're like, oh my God, it's me. I'm the adult here. Yeah. So I'm kicking and I'm screaming. And I finally make contact with one of them. And it kind of like backs off because I kicked it so hard. And another one backs off. So now I've got one kind of following us, but not grabbing at the dog. And I'm not a big person. I'm 5-5. So I'm carrying a 60-pound dog. There's definitely that moment where you're like adrenaline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm dragging him and carrying him. And now it occurs to me that I've tied two other dogs to a tree somewhere in the wood. And I don't know where the other two coyotes went. And I'm like, oh my God, I have to get back there. So now I'm dragging Billy, have him like just in my

arms, blood everywhere. I'm running. And I'm running backwards because if you turn your back on a coyote, Monica, this is good for you to know. If you turn your back, they chase. If you face them, they stop immediately. Normally you hear, like they don't like human. So if there's like a human in the mix, they'll run away. But they're not. But they're not attacking her. They're after him in my arms. She's holding cold cuts, you know. They think they can just grab a little bit. Totally. And so I'm kind of going backwards and turning around every few seconds to keep that one coyote back. And I get to the tree and I see the other two dogs and they're okay. And I quickly unhook leashes like I call it a yard sale. Like everything just got left. And I'm kicking dogs. I'm kicking them and screaming. I'm like,

go, go. Just get out of here as fast as we can. And one of the dogs I unhooked is my dog, Remy, who's this big Mississippi Street dog lab. He's just the smartest, coolest dog. And he knew exactly how to handle the situation. He turns around and just starts lunging but not making contact. And he's lunging and then it's giving me time to kind of like get a little further away with Billy, who I'm now like basically dragging on the ground through the leaves, bleeding a mess. And all the dogs are running. And finally, Remy keeps that coyote far enough back that it stops escorting us out. It was basically escorting us out of its territory. We get to the car, I throw everybody in.

I could probably tell you another story about an unauthorized situation that it didn't happen. It was the scariest thing. So we get in the car and I call the vet and I'm like, I'm coming in hot. I don't know what I'm coming in with. Billy's not making noise anymore. The other dogs, the one that was with me got a big bite taken out of the back of his leg. And I'm like, whatever. Triosh, he's okay, but we got to get Billy.

We get there and I bring Billy and he's mangled. He's eviscerated. Those coyotes, their job is to kill things. quickly as possible. So they go for head, neck, soft belly under the arms. The softest he's just torn to shreds. They stabilize him. They sedate him and they're like, you know, he's going to need to go to a bigger vet closer to Boston. So at that point, my husband had come and he had taken the other three dogs. He took them to another vet. They're getting rabies, boosters. I mean, it's just a total disaster. I bring him to the bigger vet and they take him and back

And they're just like, listen, his intestines are coming out of it. Like, he's a mess. They're like, we don't know what's going to happen. So after hours and hours in surgery, internal stitching, external stitching, he made it. He came out of it. I sent you guys some pictures. And it's him right after the attack. Oh, he's a sad boy.

Oh, gosh. Good boy. This is so upsetting. And those are drains you can see coming out of him. And then the last pictures of him with my son. And this one, he looks like a wise professor when he's with your son. He's the best dog. He's actually 15 years old now.

And I still have Remy, my hero, who kept the coyotes back. And he's still with us too. And they're my buddies. And it was such a crazy story. But I have to say, after I got over the shock of it, it was one of the. those moments where this horrific thing happens and you make it and you make good decisions and you you figure it out and afterward you're so empowered by it. You're like, oh my God, I'm such a badass. Yeah. The nightmare happened and you rose to the occasion. Yeah. And I still take them,

well, not as much anymore because now they're really old, but I do still take them in the woods all the time. I just now I make a lot more noise when I'm walking because I think what we determined after talking to a lot of different people who know wildlife. They said that what likely happened because there was three coyotes together, which doesn't always happen. Billy got too close to a den that had pups. And that's what happens in early April. It was just like the perfect storm. We just were too close. He surprised them. And I think, Monica, what you think is correct, if you make a ton of noise and you're just living your life normally and walking, they're not going to try and take on a person or even a healthy dog. It's just that if one threatens where they have babies, they have to get rid of the threat.

Well, that's funny you'd point that out because what I was just about to say is, I am fascinated by the power of identity when a woman has decided she's the mother of something and breadth of what they're capable of just goes up exponentially. Yeah, absolutely. It was not even a question. It was, I'm going in. It's the worst that can happen. Yeah, but you deduct your baby from that scenario.

And you're not going anywhere near. Oh, God. Like a coyote. No. It's really impressive. I do still have a little PTSD, though. When I do see a coyote, I kind of get like a rapid heartbeat. And I'm like, okay, no, it's okay.

I hate them. You know, you could bring wolf pee with you. It's a deterrent. I bought a bunch of it. I bring bear spray. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little nervous. I might not use it correctly. And then I'll end up now blind.

There's always a great risk that you'll spray yourself. You'll shoot it upwind and then you're fucked. It's funny. The one photo of him, he's just got his head kind of slung low. He's fresh out of clearly the vet. This is the exact same look that Frank had when he was gouged from, remember he went under the fence, and then he was trying to come back under and two coyotes were getting them from behind as he got back under. They just had the most stunned. They're like paralytic for a while.

Really? Yeah, like obviously like probably the adrenaline dump and then afterwards are just like sedated. Well, I think they're so like humble too. Yeah. I mean, most of my dogs, whenever they see a coyote, they're like, I'm going to take that out. Right. Like they're so on it. But I think when one gets the better of them, they're like, oh, shit, that thing is. I didn't know you got down like that. I thought we were going to like nip at each other. Exactly. Totally.

Sniff each other's ass, nip, nip, and not on our way. I thought we were here for a good time. Oh, well, Sarah, what a valiant defense. Thank you. Do you guys mind if I do some shout out? Oh, we love it. We love a shout. So my family, my husband, Tim, and my kids, Callie and Ben, I have to give them a shout out because all I ever do is I'm like, you guys, I have to tell you what Dats and Monica we're saying to your poor family. And then the two people that introduced me to you guys are my cousins, Kara and Katie. And I'm sure they're going to submit a story at some point. But I'm so glad that I found you guys because I have more fun listening to you. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Kar and Katie.

Yeah. Sarah, thank you so much. That was a great story. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. This is fun. Okay. Take care. Bye. Bye. Hi, Darren. Where are you? I live in Kentucky, but I actually am visiting family in Ireland at the moment. I was going to say you do not sound like you've got the Appalachian drawl. Yeah. Where in Ireland? I'm from the west of Ireland. It's a great place to be from. Did you have to pause to let any sheep pass as you approached your family's houses?

Well, I live on a farm, so there's no shortage of animals around here. So it is very rural, as you might imagine. Yeah. What brought you to Kentucky? I mean, this is a very famous migration. Most of the people in Kentucky are Scots-Irish. For sure, Kentucky's two signature industries are horses and bourbon, so it's horses. That brought me to Kentucky. Oh, to Lexington?

Correct. Oh, no kidding. And what do you do with horses? I work in sales for a stud firm. Okay. And without divulging anyone's personal secrets, I am always shocked when I watch these documentaries. Some of the fees that these studs reach, right, if they're like Kentucky Derby winners or whatever.

Like, what's the most expensive? expensive horse you've seen sold. One recently was 10.5 million down in Ocala, Florida for a two-year-old. Oh, 10.5 million. For a two-year-old? Monica, for a horse. Oh, a two-year-old horse. That could get a cold and die.

It's not like a car that you. I mean, it's wild. I know. But how much can that $10 million horse then produce in sperm? Exactly. The top of the market, stallions are standing for a quarter of a million serve per mayor, and they could breed up to 200 mares in a season. So you do the math.

It adds up pretty fast. Wow. I got to get in the horse racket. I wonder if it was that lady who told me I could play black in Ocala. You think it might have been her who bought or sold the horse? I hope for her that she's thriving with that horse. Okay, so you have an animal attack story. I do.

Does not involve horses. Takes place about 20 years ago in Thailand. Oh. You will not stay put. This is great. Lots of locations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a James Bond film.

Me and the girl I was dating at the time, let's call her Jill. So we were in the middle of a two-week vacation, having a great time. For reference, it was about a year or two after the tsunami it hit, so parts of it were still getting back on its feet, but it was still open for business and tourism was in full flight. This story takes place on Co-Pipi, which is obviously a beautiful islands off the coast of Thailand, and there we decided to take a sunset cruise. Now, part of the main attraction for this cruise for me was getting to tour Maya Bay, which is the movie made famous by Leonardo DiCaprio in the beach.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to Krabi, right? Is that right there, too? Yes, exactly. Those incredible little outgross in the middle of the ocean that look like upside-down mountains. That movie came out when we were in our early 20s, and obviously with a lot of wanderlust, we watched it more than once, and it was popular in our friendship circle. So, again, that was the main attraction for this sunset cruise.

And so about 75 people went on the cruise that evening. And as we took off, our first port of call was Monkey Beach. And so as this was a decent-sized ship, we docked some ways from the shore. There were a number of options to get to the beach. You could either wait for the dingy to ferry you over. You could swim or you could snorkel. Now, this is a good time to mention that I can't swim. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Oh, my God. That seems crazy. You're from a country surrounded by water. Half of us here can't swim. No, no, Monica can swim. It's really cool. It's a bit of a cliche in Ireland.

But anyway, I will say Jill was a strong swimmer. She was actually a qualified lifeguard. And we had been a bit adventurous. I was actually doing some snorkeling. I was using a life jacket around my waist and had clocked maybe 60, 90 minute sessions with amazing, you know, sea life and offer. So I definitely. had an overinflated sense of confidence in my abilities. And so I took option C, which was to snorkel.

Oh, no. Without a live fest. This is a terrible plan. This is such a man thing to do. Yeah, it sounds like a plan I would be in the middle of it. So I grabbed the snorkel and a pair of flippers and I make my way down into the water. I set off from the ship. And after about 15, 20 seconds, I take my head up to see how I'm doing.

and I was quite shocked by how much further it looked from eye level than it did from on top of the ship. And so I look back and I have made hardly any progress and I start to panic. And so I drop the head and just absolutely power it to the shore. I do it in one movement without stopping or looking up again. Thankfully, make it to the shore and I'm beyond exhausted. Honestly, I thought it was on the verge of having a heart attack. but I gather myself and I look over and Jill must have been in one of the first boats

because she is on her haunches with the tour guide feeding the monkeys. It's all going well. But then I guess what happened, she had her fist kind of semi-closed and there was a piece of banana on her index finger. And I guess one of the monkeys thought she was withholding banana from it.

It got angry and it literally jumped up and sunk its teeth into her forearm. Oh, fuck. Are these macaques, do you know? Is that what we're dealing with? We're small, maybe knee high. I didn't get what type they were, but they were small and there were many. Bastards, yes.

Oh, my gosh. And so Jill obviously freaks out. She jumps up. She's got a monkey attached to her arms. She's swinging it around. It's still attached. Oh, my gosh. Think of the damage it's doing to the soft tissue.

Oh, oh, oh. Finally after, I don't know how long, 10, 15 seconds, it let go. but it starts screaming bloody murder. And it raises the alarm. No, no, not. No. Charging towards Jill. This all happened pretty fast, but I look around and the tour guys are doing nothing.

I look to my right, everyone who had been approaching the shore stopped in knee-high water and were not advancing any further. They're all watching with their mouths open. And I'm going, what the heck? Like, this is my girlfriend. I can have to defend her. And so I jump in front of her and I start charging back this group of 30 plus monkeys. I honestly couldn't tell you how many it was. I'm swinging kicks.

I'm throwing punches. I'm doing anything I can to literally fight this group of monkeys. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is my dream and nightmare all at once. Yeah, it's like I want this to happen and I don't want it to happen. I will say they were small and they were fast. I don't think I actually made any contact with any of them.

Yeah, yeah. If anyone from PETA's listening. You guys think it looks. No, it really? Like, no one's even making flat jack. You look like you're fighting fly. Yeah, like you're having a fucking manic break. Despite all my best efforts, obviously I did not connect with them.

What I did manage to do was twerth of the attack. It dissipated them. It scattered them in different directions. And we're surprised how quickly the temperature just simmered in their group. And so we all retreated. And Jill got some much needed first aid's attention. She got a bandage on her arm. Well, she needs some.

Rabies shots. Yeah, she needs some. Some shots. That's where I'm going. Oh, no. Oh, my God. This ends with Jill getting rabies. It's being rabid.

Foaming at the mouth. Her arm gets bandaged and that's the end of the monkey feeding session clearly. And everyone starts to make their way back to the boat the way they came. Well, that's great for everybody except me because I'm here with my snorkel and flippers going, ain't no way I'm going back in that water again. And so the last two people to make it to the shore were these two becky. genie-clad girls on some sort of small banana boat flotation device that just about the two of them could fit on. And they were having the time of their lives.

They were giggling, laughing, but they had two kayak paddles, and it looked like it was their first time ever using a kayak paddle. So I look around, I've got no other options. And so I have to swallow my pride, cap in hand and approach these two nice ladies and go, is there any way I could catch a ride with you back to the ship? Good for you. But really quick, Darren, what the fuck is this tour operation doing? Why can't they make two trips in the boat? Why is this your problem?

Again, this happened 20 years ago. Everyone disappeared. I don't know. Would they have left without me? Hopefully not. But this was me in the moment, just wanting to get back to the ship. I asked the girls, and they were very nice. They said, absolutely, but you got to jump in the middle.

And I said, actually, I'm pretty good at paddling. Why don't I grab one of the paddles? And then we'll get back in a jiffy. They both responded in unison if you want to ride. you got to sit in the middle. They were slow on the way over. They were slower on the way back with my extra way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So by the time we're getting back, everyone is on the ship. They're all leaning overboard going, what is the hold up? And as we approach to the ship, I hear someone say, look, there's a guy who's fighting the monkey. So that was about as much attention as I needed for the entire trip. But as manic and as wild as that incident was, we got back on the ship, we finished our excursion, we made it to Maya Bay.

It was absolutely beautiful. We met some friends. Got some great pictures. And on the way back to Kopipi, they cooked up a gorgeous rice meal. And it was really finished really beautifully the trip. And so we get back to shore and we find the clinic. And of course, like you said, the nurse changes their bandaging goes, you need a rabies shot. And so she got her first shot there and then and then said every two days we needed to find

the clinic and get, I think it was three shots in total. But don't quote me on that. Yeah, these rabies shots are like advanced. Like you have to keep going. It's like crazy thing. And so we get back to the whole. hotel room that night and I do a little light internet research. Obviously, we don't have rabies in Ireland and old yellow was my only point of reference. I knew it wasn't good, but as I research more and more,

I think to myself, maybe we should get separate rooms for a few nights, you know, just to be on the safe side. But for the trauma Jill had gone through, I kept those thoughts to myself, which was the right move. In all fairness, I didn't think the monkey was rabid. It was just an unfortunate banana misunderstanding. And that's how it played out. The rest of our trip, was fantastic and it was definitely one of the most beautiful vacations I've ever taken and certainly one of the most memorable. I presume because we're using a fake name you didn't stay with Jill. Unfortunately not, I moved to Kentucky Lexington and met my now lovely wife who was also from the States. You're chasing your horse dreams. Exactly. Wow. What a great story. That was a great story.

Yeah. I loved that you ended up on one of those emasculating banana boats on the way back. Yeah, a lot of components. Full range of mass. It's like you were a hero and then you were. No, also you were, you had bravado for no reason. And then you were an actual hero, kind of. And then you were humbled. Humbling aside, I was equally as happy just to be not in the water getting that ride back. So I did thank them in the moment, but I didn't thank them enough for saving me on the way back.

Well, and off chance their arm cherries, if you were in a banana boat in 2006. That's right. And had a large Irishman get in your boat. Hopefully it's memorable. for them. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure you don't forget that. Well, Darren, what a delight meeting you, sir. And you too. I will say I've been a listener from day one. During COVID, you guys were lifeline. So again, thank you again. Love the show and we'll continue to listen. My pleasure. If you swam sense? So actually, the last year, I have made a concerted effort. And I will say freestyle was the one stroke I wanted to master the breathing under water side to side.

So I can do like a length in a 25 meter pool, catch a 10 second break and come back. So that's the level I'm not. I can do maybe 15 laps in a 25 meter pool. Oh, you can see. You're a swimmer. Yeah. But treading water and in deep water, I panic. Okay.

You know, still, I haven't overcome that hurdle. Thank you. I make it to the Olympic. I think, yeah, I wouldn't rule out L.A. 2030 or whatever the hell it is. 2028. What if we went into the fucking? See Darren there. The USC swim complex.

What a story. And the monkeys there, cheering them on, like full circle. The girls in the boat are floating around photographing. I'm sensing an AI-generated image in the future. Yeah, feed that in, Rob. All right, Darren, we'll have a great trip to Ireland. Thank you so much, guys. Bye.

Take care. Bye-bye. Christy, can you hear us? I can hear you. Can you hear me? Beautifully. Hold on. I'm seeing a lot of ribbon.

accolades. What's happening? I took your advice and I'm in my daughter's closet and she's obsessed with softball. Oh, cute. Okay. Is she a player? This is actually her first like serious year and she's getting into pitching and I was freakishly obsessed with softball as well. So it's cool that she likes it and she's actually pretty decent. But they get cooler stuff because I used to get like the stupid ugly plastic trophies and they get like these rings. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. I'd way rather

have that big old obnoxious ring. That's like a Super Bowl ring. And it's like heavy. She thinks that it's real. And I'm like, yeah, it's totally real gold. There's also like a Groot-like character back there. Or Jesus. No, that's Jesus. Oh, yeah. And actually, this is backup Jesus. Regular Jesus does not leave. I know Dax, you have a Delta, but we have Della. Oh, fun. Yeah, regular Jesus doesn't leave Della's side. He was actually even in our family pictures. So this is backup. This is the first time I'm seeing the Jesus stuffy. I didn't even know if the Protestants wouldn't like that. Maybe the Catholics would.

Where are we at was stuffy Jesus? They do go to Catholic school. Okay. But we were raised very Lutheran and not as strict. Got it. I think it's adorable. I've never seen it. The cutest thing for the listener about the baby Jesus is that he comes with a little cloak on.

Like he has a little tunic on. But sometimes she likes to take the. robe off and I feel like it's a little sacrilege. She wants to see it's naughty. Jesus is naughty undies. And she's nine, so she's not doing it on purpose, but I'm also like Della. You kind of need to chill with Jesus. Okay, Christy, where are you?

I am in O'Clair, Wisconsin. I'm from Minnesota, so huge Vikings fan, but I did move to Packers Country and now I've been in O'Clair, Wisconsin for 20 years. You know, I was just looking at a map on Instagram of drinking rates. Oh, yeah. we're number one. You're not just number one. You're like number one the way Sean White won the goal. So it's an outwind of the whole country. And you see each state. And then there's a color sequence. And red is like the highest drinking. I'm taking maybe only five or six states have little red dots.

And Wisconsin is on fire. It's just a smear of red. And I was like, wow, go get it, Wisconsin. I'm surprised. I think it's the really cold winters. There's nothing else to do. But also in the summer, then you're celebrating that there's at least one day of 80 degrees. So you have to drink. I was a little disappointed Michigan was in a hotter spot. I'm surprised the south isn't. I was too. The south is not at all. It's like it's, it was it was in the greens because of the Bible belt. Right. It's offsetting. Wow. Second to you guys was Wyoming. They're getting it on up there. And North Dakota, because there's nothing else to do there. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. So we covered drinking, uh, Wisconsin. Okay, you have an animal attack story. I do have an animal attack story. So last year, I had just gotten a brand new bike. And my son was playing baseball.

at the baseball fields by us. And so I decided to ride my bike there. And anywhere I go on my bike, it's usually like five miles. But to get to his baseball game, it was uphill, like this little bike path. O'Claura has a ton of bike pass. And so I went up this hill on this bike path into the left is woods. And then to the right is a really narrow street. So there's no shoulder. Like you can't pull over. And his game ended. And they're actually fundraising to get lights on the fields because they don't have lights. So the games have to end by dusk. And his did.

But Chrissy, let's be honest in Wisconsin in the summer. That's 10 p.m. Well, it was May. So it was closer to like eight, but it was getting to be dusk. And I didn't know that this was going to be a factor until later on. But then I came back down this bike trail hill.

And I just for the record, I absolutely love animals. And I know PETA might hate me. But like, I will pet any animal. I have like a squirrel house that I have on my phone. Like I love animals. The only reason my husband would ever divorce me,

like I would never cheat on him, but I'd come home with like seven dogs. But I was coming down this hill on the trail, and so now the woods are to my right, and then the street is to my left. And I'm very near-sighted. I should wear glasses. I have glasses and contacts, but I don't ever wear them.

So I couldn't see what was far away, but I did see two big balls, and I thought it was either like, big balls of fur or big balls of feather. Like, you didn't know what it was. But either way, I was going to pet it. Oh, either way. Regardless.

I'm here for it. I'll slow down because otherwise I'm going super fast. Almost like a compulsion you have. Yeah, it sounds like a condition. Yeah. Oh, it is. So I'm going down this hill and I do start to slow down because I do want to pet this, whatever it is.

And as I get closer, I realize that they're too huge. turkeys and still in my mind I didn't know enough to know that maybe they aren't friendly but I'm like getting off my bike and let's pet these feathers oh my god I go to try to touch this first turkey and it just starts immediately like pecking at me and its beak is long and sharp but they're also like really ugly animals and I still wanted to pet it and it was pecking at me instantly like there was nothing I could do and I did get off my bike but it was a brand new bike and I didn't have insurance or anything on the bike. So I'm like, I'm going to sacrifice my body instead of this bike.

I don't want them to pop a tire. Questionable decisions. I don't think they could injure a bike. I was worried about the tires. I didn't know then how much tires cost. So I was like, I'm not going to lose this tire. And so I was like hard pass. I'm done.

I don't want to pet you anymore. I'm just going to go away. Well, I start trying to get back on my bike to go away. And they maliciously start attacking the back of my legs. Oh. With their talons or their beaks? So they also have halens. And I didn't realize that at the time, their feet have, like, hooks on them.

And so they were both, like, kicking and pecking at me. And I don't know if the one fatter one was, like, special or something. But instead of, like, 90-degree pecking me, it was curving downward. So when it would peck my leg, it was, like, breaking skin and scraping along my leg. Oh, wow. They sensed fear, maybe. And they're like, oh, we have the upper hand here. I'm the captain now.

I think they sensed fear, but I also think during this time in the spring and being dusk, they were also like in the mating ritual. And I was like cock blocking them. Oh, yeah. And they're testosteroneed up. They're raging. I don't want any part of you. I just want to leave. But later on, when I looked all these turkey facts up, I realized that they have a chase instinct.

So if you do try to ride away, they want to fly and they want to chase you, it's like an adrenaline rush to them. Oh, shit. Yeah. instinctual. So once they've set their sights on you, they're very instinctive to try to chase you away and follow with you. So at this point, I'm like, this is no joke, fight or flight. Like, I have to do something. And so I kind of just pass my bike to the side and I'm like, I'm ready to fight. I don't know what else to do. So I start trying to punch it in the breast because I'm like, I don't know, we eat the breast. Maybe that's sensitive. That's the only part I could get to.

because if I try to punch the beak, it'll look like I have bloody knuckles. Punching a knife. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah, exactly. And so I try to punch it like two times and it's almost like they were laughing at me because they like back up, but then they came closer to me. My instinct is like they're low. I have feet. Let's kick.

They were already attacking my legs. So I was trying to kick them. But at the same time, I was like, if anything takes the brunt of this, I wanted to be my feet. So I was like giving them my legs. Like sacrifice the legs. everything else is whatever. And also, my parents are going to kill me for saying this. But two years before this, I had gotten breast implants after having kids.

I was trying to protect the investment. So I also didn't want that part of my body. You were saving a lot of money throughout this entire scenario. This is, I got to be honest, and I hope you take this as the compliment it is. This is the most Midwestern story we've ever heard. I thought that. And so anyways, and even the details here with the cost of the bike tires, it's just so Midwestern. I know.

And it started out funny. Like at first I was laughing, like, these turkeys are really trying to come at me kind of thing. But then I was like, what if they do poke me? And now this expensive surgery is at risk. So then, because I was on a bike, I didn't have a backpack or anything, but I had like an armband. I used to be a runner. And so when I switched to biking, I just kept the same armband that holds my phone.

And I'm like, my husband and kids were just at the game. I need to call him and tell him I'm basically being attacked. So I get my phone out as they're still attacking me. this entire time they're still attacking me. Like, they are relentless. And so I get it out and I call my husband and I'm like, Kyle, you need to come to Domer Park. Like, I am being attacked by these turkeys and he's like, what?

And then he has the balls to be annoyed by me. And he's like, I can't hear you. All I hear is gobbling. And I'm like, I know. How does that not cute in to like, maybe I'm being attacked by these turkeys? I am being attacked by turkeys. That's what the goblin is. Yeah, and that's exactly what I'm asking for your help with.

If you're annoyed, imagine how annoyed I am. And I think he finally got it. And I don't know if I just got pissed and hung up, but I ended up, like, throwing my phone like, that's done. It's almost like a 911 response where I'm like, okay, that's done. Help is on the way. Like, I'll be fine. I just have to defend myself until he comes. Okay, again, I don't want to get bogged down in it.

But we're protecting the tires, which are about $18, but we chuck the phone. I didn't know how much tires work. I was still trying to fight the birds. And I had heard, and actually my husband had sent me a TikTok one time as a joke, like how women can't make gun noises. And I have hunted turkeys in the past. So I'm trying to like make gun sounds because I know when I was turkey hunting if the sound of a gun went off, the turkeys would flee. Like we weren't able to get them most of the time. So they would be feared.

And I am so bad at making gun noises. Can I hear what it sounded like? I literally was like pew, pew, pew. Like, pew, pew, oh my God, that is the instinct of women to add the pew. Well, that's how it's spelled. But that's how my kids do it too. Yeah, because we're reading it. I mean, it was either pew, pew, pew, and I felt like I was spitting enough that it would be good, or it was like boom, boom.

Like, I don't have a machine gun instinct. Yeah. What would you do? I just spit all over my microphone, but I had no choice. For my life, yeah. I mean, I don't know that that's better. I don't think mine's good as much as I think Poo Poo Poo is weird because I've heard a lot of gunshots. And there's no pew.

Yeah. And we don't hunt with machine guns. So the turkey doesn't. I commend you for that. Okay. So you're Poo Pee-Pewing it and they're not responding. So I'm pew-pewing. It's absolutely doing nothing.

And then I'm looking at this turkey and they have that weird scrotum red looking thing on their beak where it just like hangs and dangles over. I literally at one point once I switched to the fighter flight was like I will do anything like I'm going to grab it by like the scrotum looking thing and just like slam it like Sean Michaels or something like in a cage ring match. So I kept trying to grab that part of it and it would just continuously peck my hand. So it just was not working like nothing was working. So at this point I'm literally putting my head towards the turkey because I did have a helmet on. I was like instead of giving it my legs because they kept getting scraped, I was giving it. I was giving it. at my head, but then I was also like dangerously close to my eyeballs. But I think at that point, I was also willing to give up my eyeballs before the bike or the boobs. So I don't know. Yeah. You basically ran through all the things they would suggest not to use.

Oh, I know. I'm fully aware now looking back. But in the moment, I'm like, I need to survive this because who's going to die from a turkey? And it would be me. And how do you tell my kids that? During this entire time on that road, people are driving by. And they're trying to honk because they see me in distress.

I think they were trying to help. But then I saw this really old station wagon, like almost like a woody car drive by. Well, I saw it drive by like three times. And on the third time, they were recording me. And I'm just like, you can't do anything else. Yeah. I need to do something. I can't stay here.

So I just tried to get on my bike. And yes, they were pecking at my tires. And I go down a little bit at a time as they're still pecking me. I'm still going down this trail. But it does lead to a bridge. And so I was like, worst case scenario, I can jump in this water. But as soon as I reached the bridge, it's almost like they were too far away from a nest. Or they saw there's railing and their wings might get caught in it, like too narrow to fly in.

Yeah, they don't want to get anywhere they can to get their wings out, maybe. I think that might also have been part of it. But then I saw that my husband and kids were parked on the bridge because you couldn't pull over on the shoulder. Like, I'm sure they had seen me, but they couldn't get to me. And so I see them coming out of my husband's truck and they both have a bat in each hay. and they're like ready to fight these turkeys for me. And I'm like, yes, thank you. Yeah, that's what we needed.

So then I was able to get away. And my husband's like, well, do you want me to like give you a ride home? I can put the bike in the back. And I'm like, I've already made it this far. My adrenaline's going. I had to have burned some mad cows. I might as well go the rest of the way home. And I did.

And it was fine. There wasn't anything else that had happened. But I was talking to my husband later on because then I did all this research. Like, how do I make sure this doesn't happen again? And I said that I was going to bring pepper spray. but apparently that would just like make them spicy chicken because they don't have like the smell receptors. All right. They don't respond to capsaicin or whatever.

I know how. You just don't go pet them. Okay. I think that's just like that still wasn't an option for me. Oh, okay. I see. When I researched this, one of the main things that tells you not to do is make eye contact. If you make eye contact, they're like games on.

Apparently they take it offensively and you're threatening. their home and whatever else. And because it had been dusk, they're surveying their surroundings because they're going to roost like in the trees. So they want to make sure that underneath them is protected. And so just being there at that time also was putting them on high alert. So I think that's why they were pissed at me. Because on the way there, you know, it was like sunny and 5 p.m. They weren't even there. We have some photos, yeah? Yeah, I did send you some photos. Okay, great. Oh, yeah, your legs are a hot mess. They're scratched to high heaven. Oh, yeah. So this happened like on a Tuesday and then on a Friday on our local Facebook there was a news article on how like these turkeys have become out of control.

They interviewed this guy who was also attacked by a turkey and it was like less dramatic than my story. And they still just ripped him a new one like oh my God it's a turkey. How can you be scared? Like you're so weak. You're such a worse. And I'm like people don't understand. Like we should have our own support. You should.

Awful. Yeah, they're kind of like the jackals of the bird world, but the swans are the ones. They're polar bear. They see you in a canoe. They might kill you. Yeah, maybe. I'd pet it. Yeah, sure.

Oh, this has been a delight, Christy. Yeah. Thank you for sharing. Anna got me interested. I work with her in your podcast, and I've loved it ever since. And then my friend Allison and I always listen and compare notes. I also save them up because I'm so high strong that I hate waiting. And then I'll like binge them.

So I was binging the twin episode and I'm a twin, a fraternal twin. Oh, fun. Yeah, when Emma emailed me. So I was like, oh, it's meant to be. Yes. And then my son, Jack, plays baseball and Della, they also listen to you sometimes, which they probably shouldn't because they're nine and ten. But then lastly, Dax, my brother, he was mainly an alcoholic in his late 20s,

and then he succumbed to addiction when he was 31 in 2020. So whenever you talk about your struggles, your honesty about addiction, you're probably sick of hearing about it, but I do appreciate it so much. I don't ever get sick of hearing that. And I'm so sorry to hear that about your brother. Thank you. And Monica, I know you love the pit. I am a nurse.

Of course you're a nurse because you're so fun and nurses are so fun. I did write a book, newest nurse on the planet that's really seen this weekend. Ooh, exciting. Newest nurse on the planet. So we talk a lot about the foreign objects and rectum and things like that and all the fun stories. Truly so fun meeting you. Yes.

Have a wonderful summer. Enjoy that three months of outdoor drinking. Yeah. Thank you. All right. Bye. All right. All right.

All right. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a thing song for this new show. So here I go, go, go.

We're going to ask some random questions. And with the help of our Jerry's book and some suggestions, I'm a flyer. Rhyme. I love why a Rhine dish enjoy