Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Babysitting

Episode Date: November 3, 2023

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a bad babysitting experience. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Doug Fairbanks and I'm joined by Mae West. Hello. Hi, Mae.

Hi. Fairbanks and I'm joined by Mae West. Hello. Hi, Mae. Before we kick off this episode, I want to tell the listeners, the cherries, the prompts for next month. Let's do it. The prompts are as follows. This is by popular demand. It arose from the episode on great hospitality and that is, tell us your meet cute. And people were downright offended that I didn't think that was a ubiquitous term. Yeah. Yeah, they were. And it was your idea.

No one wanted to do it. People shut down, people meaning you, shut down the idea of doing meet cute. And then the cherries spoke. Yeah, so I hope this will be one example that I do listen and that. To the cherries. Yes, and it is a democracy. I listen to you quite a bit as well.

So it is still democratic in nature. And so I've been overpowered, vetoed by the cherries. So tell us about your meet cute. Tell us about a crazy gym story, something that happened at the gym. Could be anything. Love gym stories. Everyone's pretty vulnerable at the gym. Love gym stories. Everyone's pretty vulnerable at the gym. They're in very thin clothes and they're doing weird stuff

in front of each other. Yep. Injuries. Right for a crazy story. Third, tell us about a wild holiday vacation. Wild holiday vacation. It'd be great if it was Christmassy as we are knocking on the door. If it was a cold

story. And St. Nick was involved. Yeah, or a menorah. Menorah on fire. Oh, grandma. That was Thanksgiving. Gammy. Gammy was fully engulfed.

Anyway, there's lots of options. I hate how many people we've heard fire stories from. A lot. We've had an inordinate amount of people that have been badly burned. I know.

I know. I hate it. I hate it. Because that's really scary. So brutal. Okay, those are the prompts, but that is, alas, not today's episode.

Today's episode is crazy babysitting experiences slash stories. You can listen to all these. Oh, okay. But one is. But. The last.

But. One is really great. Yeah. They're all great, but one really will get you. If you're the boy in that story and you're all grows up and you want to tell us what happened. Yeah. Email us.

He's an adult now. I don't know. That guy wasn't that old. I don't know how old that guy is. I don't know why in my mind it was 09. Maybe. I don't know. I don't remember.

If you're an adult and you want to talk about this. You want to share. We'd love to hear your side of it. Please enjoy Crazy Babysitting Stories. Hello! Hi! Oh, wonderful. We can hear you. Can you hear us? I can hear you perfectly, and you guys look great in those chairs. It's so fun to see you live. Thank you. And is your name Curry? It is Curry. This is incredible. How did your parents come across Curry? It's a family

last name. So my mom's mom's last name was Curry, and she unfortunately passed while she was pregnant with me. So she named me Curry as an honor to her. Steph Curry. That's a Curry last name. I think I'm older than Steph, so I like to say I'm the OG. We hate that, don't we? Isn't that depressing? It's really depressing.

I hate being older than these NBA players. I'm older than the coaches now, Curry. Like, most of the coaches are younger. Well, you know who's older than you? Marie Curie. She's long dead. That's true. Past and older than me.

Long gone. Good job on another Curry. Thank you. So Curry, you have a wild babysitting experience. I do. Well, I'm so excited to talk to you guys today. And before I get started, I promised my fiance who helped me set up in the closet, that I would tell you Jax, that he loved you as Frito in the criminally underrated film Idiocracy.

Your husband sounds like a genius. Is he a bonafide genius? He really is. That's why I'm marrying him. Okay. Wonderful. Oh, fiance. I'm sorry. You said fiance. Well, almost husband. Fun. When and where are you getting married? Next September back in Maine. Oh my God. Give us the address. We'll come.

Yep. We'll be there. If you guys want to come to my September, back in Maine. Oh my God. Give us the address. We'll come. Yep. We'll be there. If you guys want to come to my wedding, I swear to God, you are invited. If we have to poop in the yard while everyone looks, that's a pre-negotiated fee. Just so you know. That's fine. That's going to cost some dollars. Okay.

Where did this babysitting story happen? In Maine? No, it took place in Boston. So I grew up just outside of Boston. Actually in the town where you got some great hospitality in Wellesley when you had the whole debacle with the airport. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. What a cute town. We walked the dogs in this insanely bucolic, beautiful park. It's really gorgeous. But this was back in 2002. I was about 15 years old, so born in 87, and have a dad that very much instilled hard work and financial savviness from an early age.

So if I wanted to get my first car by my 16th birthday, I had to earn half of it. So I was babysitting every weekend, weeknights. Dax, just so you know, that first car was a 1998 Silver Saab 9.3 Turbo hatchback. It was sweet. Great car, but a little high on the maintenance side. Did it break a lot? Yeah, it was a complete lemon. I ended up selling it for a CRV.

I had a CRV. That was Monica. Came to LA in a CRV. Perfect. Yeah, I had a white CRV. It was just too expensive to keep up with the Saab, but had a lot of fun driving in and out of Boston way too fast for a 16-year-old.

So a new family moved in a few streets over from us and got my name from one of my regulars and asked if I could babysit on a weeknight for their six-year-old daughter and year-and-a-half-old son. I, of course, said yes, wanted a new family on my roster. So I showed up to their house the following week, and the mom and dad kind of walked me through the rules and guidelines of the house.

No dessert, no TV on weeknights. Here's where the games are, emergency numbers, the usual. I told them I had it covered and they went off for their gala date night. And I feel like at this point I need like that narrator to come in and be like, she did not have it covered. Were you at all anxious about having a one and a half year old and a toddler or whatever? Six. Not really, because I was babysitting for a family that had like a one year old, a four year old and a 10 year old at the time.

So this kind of seemed like a piece of cake. Incredible that we just go like, yeah, 14 year old. You'd never had any children, but you can definitely juggle three. I know. I had really good recommendations. I mean, I started like mother's helping when I was nine because I just thought babies were really cute. So by that time I had had like six years of experience. Right. I guess you had more than the parents. Yeah, exactly. So quickly after leaving the six-year-old daughter started telling

me that all of her other babysitters would let her watch TV and have desserts. And so I also needed to, and her parents wouldn't be mad. And I nicely told her that her parents told me that she was in fact not allowed to have either of those things, but we could read or play games or do anything else she wanted to do. She was not having it and was getting more and more frustrated with me. So somehow I finally convinced her to go to the basement playroom to play with some Barbies and some blocks with her brother. And I should add at this point that the year and a half year old was in a little bit of a no walking and crawling phase. Okay. So I had to carry him everywhere. Sounds like a boy. Yep. He was not skipping dessert

and was a very healthy 30 pounds. So quite a big boy to carry around. Rotund child. Very beautifully chunky. Loved him. The basement playroom was down a very narrow, very low staircase. And you can't tell from me sitting like this, but even at 15, I was already almost six feet tall. Wow. Oh my gosh. Congratulations.

Thank you. But you know, the struggle, Dax. It's like you're walking down a staircase and you have to duck. Yep. And I'm also finagling this little baby while ducking. Slash bowling ball. Yeah. Squirmy little thing. So we got down to the basement. Everything's fine for the first 10 to 15 minutes.

I'm patting myself on the back that I got this girl off the let's break the rules train. Or so I thought. And then suddenly without warning, I was just sitting on the floor playing with her and her brother. She shot up and bolted up the stairs, turning every single light off on her way up. So I'm literally and figuratively in the dark as to what just happened, sitting there next to a screaming year and a half year old now, because he's terrified. And this was pre-cell phone flashlights and in a new house for me so i had no way to see where i was or where the lights were or where the stairs were not a good situation so i finally find the little boy pick him up and just start kind of like shuffling

towards what i think is the staircase and i find it and i very slowly start making my way up with this screaming, writhing little boy in one arm, clutching the railing on the other and just like convincing myself not to fall backwards and kill a baby on my first time with this new family. This is so stressful. So I finally get to the top, feel a sense of relief, only to reach for the door and a new wave of panic washes over me because the door is locked. This feels good.

I want to hire her. Like this is who you need. She's in jail now. She's probably running a fortune 500. Or on the Olympic track team because I swear to God, I've never seen someone run so fast like to this day as she did up the stairs. She had athletic prowess. She really did.

I hope she made the track team. So I think maybe at first, okay, it's an old house. So I try to just kind of nudge into the door. Maybe the handle just doesn't turn, doesn't budge. It's at this point that I hear the little girl maniacally laughing on the other side of the door. Wow. It's turning into a horror movie. I don't watch horror movies with children to this day.

That's my thing too. That's your trigger. Yeah. I'm trying to remain calm and kind of telling her through the door, you know, you need to let us out now. She says, no, not unless you agree that I can watch TV and have my dessert. That's your trigger. Yeah. I'm trying to remain calm and kind of telling her through the door, you know, you need to let us out now. She says, no, not unless you agree that I can watch TV and have my dessert. I'm like, okay, I got to try a different angle. So I tell her her brother's really scared.

She doesn't give a shit as most older siblings don't. Yeah. And I don't negotiate. I just tell her that I'll do whatever she wants. Just let me out of the basement. Yeah, sure. And you can go back on your word. This bitch already double-crossed you. I'm 15. I'm not a parent. I've tried to enforce the rules at this point very well. So I tell her I'll do it. And she finally unlocks the door and lets me out,

but not before telling me that if I go back on my word, that she's going to tell mommy and daddy that I hit her. And so I have to make sure that I let her do this. She's clever. I was like, all right, so I have to do this because I can't let other families in the neighborhood hear about this if she tells her parents and lose out on my business and my sob. So I'm like, okay, get her her Oreos. She runs over to the TV all gleefully, won that round, was so excited. Luckily after this, she goes to bed pretty easily because she got what she wanted. And I sit up waiting, mostly fuming for the parents to come home and obviously eat all the good snacks, like every single gushers in the house. And when they come home, I'm really expecting them to be like,

we're so sorry. Here's an extra tip. They don't believe me. And they accuse me of lying. No. And say there's no way that their daughter did this. And because of that lie, refused to pay me my full rate. No. 20 bucks for this six hour nightmare. What? Oh my lord. It was crazy. Oh. What assholes. That makes me feel like I have PTSD. Litigious? I hate this story so much. Because you've been a babysitter. I know. And that parents think their kids are so perfect. been a babysitter. I know. And that parents think their kids are so perfect. My parents certainly didn't think I'm perfect. Exactly. No, she was another breed. I've never had another one like it. If that whole thing had happened and my mom had come home and you told her that she would go,

yeah, yeah, of course, that's what they did. Sorry to deal with that. Even if I had shown zero inclination to have ever done something like that, If someone told my parents, they'd be like, oh, she did. Like they would never think that someone was lying to them. I know. It was so crazy. I never heard from them again, obviously, nor did I reach out. They did not make the roster for my babysitting empire that I had going. It didn't taint your reputation in the neighborhood? Thankfully, no. But I did actually hear from one of the other families and kind of confirmed this story obviously before to make sure it wasn't being a dramatic 15 year

old memory. This happened again to other babies that are after me. So hopefully they believed her. I mean, I'm sure it wasn't her first time. She was very savvy. What year did you say this was? I think like end of 2002,

early 2003. I'm a Capricorn like you, Dak. So my birthday is towards the end of the year. Are you a control freak like me? Absolutely. Yes. Good. We come by it. I mean,ax. So my birthday is towards the end of the year. Are you a control freak like me? Absolutely. Yes, good. We come by it honestly.

I mean, do you see my like organization in the closet? Not the shoes, that's kind of my fiance's, but the color coordination and cells and stuff. I figured Monica would like it too as a Virgo. Well, this little gal is now a 24-year-old woman. And I am sincerely dying to know how she turned out. Because she might be amazing now sorry to say but I don't know about with those parents it's not her fault but if they're that blindly yes that's not great for her my guess is she continued to get in trouble growing up and

they were the type of parents that always blame the friend well you can't be with that friend then they're in trouble with another friend or Or the teacher. Yeah. Now I'm triggered because I was the scapegoat kid a lot. A lot of parents didn't let their kids hang out with me and their kids were worse than me. It's always the scapegoat kid that's not as bad. It's the ones that fly under the radar. That's right. They're the real sociopaths. I hope this didn't taint galas for you. No, no. I went to a couple that were really fun. And to be honest, this story is no longer bitter to me because I got to talk to you guys, which is better than any payment. I've been an armchair since day one.

You have? Yeah. We're coming up on six years together. I know. It's the longest relationship I've ever had. Do you think one day I'll be 90, Monica will be 77, and you'll be 77, and we'll all be doing this still? I certainly hope so. I hope so, too.

And the fact check will solely be about how recently I shit my pants and peed my pants. It'll probably happen during the fact check. It'll definitely happen during the fact check. You can just create a little thing next to your chair to handle that. True. I might, yeah, just have what I had in Idiocracy, which is a toilet lazy boy. I just hope you can remember me then. I will.

I'm going to have a good memory until I'm dead. You think so? I do. I feel strongly about that. Well, Curry, it's so nice meeting you. It was so nice meeting you guys, too. I just want to say thank you so much for always making us laugh and having the tough conversations. And Monica, specifically for you

thank you so much for race to 35 I didn't meet my fiance until I was 34 and so spent a lot of my early 30s kind of waffling on if I wanted to have kids and what I wanted to do there and through your podcast and then also a lot of therapy did what I want versus what society tells us to want and I'm very happy with a dink relationship, dual income, no kid with my future husband. But I credit a lot of that to the honest combos that you had. That's wonderful. Thank you. Take care and good luck on your wedding. Thank you guys so much. Have a great day. All right. Bye. Bye-bye. There's a fly in here. Have you noticed it?

Is that from you? No, I'm not on my flies right now. Are you sure? Yeah! Well, I guess I can't be positive. There's flies, and they're not from me. They are from you! Hello! Hello.

Is your name Tasma? My name is Tasma. Is it an abbreviated version of Tasmania? No, it's not. I need to actually come up with a better reason for my name. My dad was a teacher. All of the normal names were probably ruled out by naughty children. Sure, sure.

And are you in Australia? I'm in New Zealand. You're in New Zealand? Oh, fuck. I probably just offended you so much. I'm reigning in the offense. It's so cute to us that Aussies and Kiwis can't stand being confused. I know.

That's like Canadians and fucking Americans. Like, no shit, we're the same thing. I guess it's kind of like a sibling rivalry. What city are you in? At the moment, I'm in Auckland. I've come here for a course. I've just told them I just need to pop out for a few minutes. Oh, that's wonderful. Where do you live normally?

Normally live in Whangarei. That's David's town. He says that a lot because I never know how to say it. Have you ever seen David Ferrier in real life, like strolling around? No. I do keep my eye out, but no. Okay. You have a crazy babysitting story and you're playing hooky right now. So let's not take up too much of your time. This happened 20 years ago. Actually, I was talking to the people involved just to make sure that I had the story straight. Sorry to interrupt you.

What's insane is I was there because I was in New Zealand for three months exactly 20 years ago. I think I went in November. Wow. I couldn't tell you which month. I was living in a different city. I was moving to Auckland and I didn't have accommodation sorted. And my new boss said, well, you should come and stay with my family and I. There was her and her husband and two young children. Ants was two turning three and Bella was turning five. What was going to be a sort of stay for a couple of weeks, I ended up staying for the year. I also still hang out with them in the summertime when they go camping. I've inserted myself into this

family. One day a week, I would often help out by looking after their children while my boss, she was doing athletics training, she was doing hammer throw. And I got on really well with the kids, basically like a big sister. And on this particular day, the house that we were living in was three separate stories and I was sort of in the kitchen preparing dinner and Bella called out and said, oh, Tassie, there's a guinea pig on the stairs with a fat tail. I'm like, oh, wow. Okay. Right?

And I went down. Oh, no, it seems to have gone now. It must have gone home. And as we were coming back up the stairs, we heard this almighty thump and then screaming. And so her brother was somewhere in the house. So we had to go looking for him. I thought it was from the other stairwell going to the upstairs of the house. And I opened the door and I was hit with a wave of the smell of shit. Oh, wow.

On the ground at the bottom of the stairs was this two-year-old. Sort of the back half of him was covered in poop, and the front half was covered in blood. He was screaming, holding his head. What? He had split his head open. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Really quick, you're like, what do I attend to first, the blood or the poop?

That's right. I scooped up the stinking little boy who was really upset, and we went in the bathroom, and it was, you know, a bath over a shower. So I'm standing there washing him down, cleaning him up, and you know how head wounds are. They make a huge mess. It looks like some kind of nightmare. Dealt with the worst of it, and Bella comes in.

She said, oh, I'm going to jump in the shower too. And then as she got in, she goes, oh, look, there's the guinea pig. And I felt something on my leg. And climbing up my leg was this big rat. Ew. What? Rat shit and blood. Whoa.

I know. It was like the trifecta of fun in that house that day. I got a fright and did a big sort of karate, hi-ya, kick a rat off my legs, and it bit me as it was going. What's happening in this house? It's like a poltergeist or something. So I just scooped these children out,

the wet children out of the shower, run through the room that I just kicked this rat into, slammed the door shut, get everyone sort of dried and try and staunch the bleeding of this head wound. And luckily the mother just come home. So I took the child once he had some clothes on out to her and was explaining what had happened. And we looked up to the window of the bathroom where we were and along the windowsill was this rat like just sitting knowing we were talking about it we're like oh my god so revolting whoa it wasn't the last time that i babysat for that

family because i was living with them i don't think it put them off me but this story comes up every year when we go camping really quick was the injured head here's what i've immediately imagined little boys playing big spooky rat he runs from it he falls down some stairs hits his head shits his pants what do we think was the order of events and was the rat involved at all with the head injury and And then lastly, were there any stitches? Right. So this little boy, I don't know if your children did this, Dax, but mine certainly did. When they got to that age where they knew that they could go to the toilet, but they often chose not to. Okay. He was one of those children.

Sure. And he happened to be naked at the time, and his preferred spot was by the stairs. He would shit on the floor? Well, I don't think it was on the floor. He'd usually have a nappy on. Oh. But he just happened to be naked that day. Oh.

And I think he must have heard us exclaiming and been coming down. And I imagined in my head it looked like he had slipped in the shit. Oh, sure. Jesus. He's kind of the victim of his own filth, I guess. Yes, yes. Oh, wow. It was sort of above his eyebrow.

They took him down to the after hours place and they glued it together. So there was no fracture of the frontal bone or anything? No. Because, okay, now back to the order of events, because I come upon this, part of me might think, I got to get the poop away from him because he's got an open wound. I might even think priority number one's the poop. Oh, because you don't want to get the bacteria. You don't want the bacteria in that wound.

But I don't know that that would be the right move. It just would be hard to, it's a hard call to make. That's why we went straight to the shower to exhort that shit out. So if that was 20 years ago, he's now a 23 year old. He's actually at university in the States. Surely he'll be back camping with a girlfriend soon or a boyfriend. And I pray that you. Oh, every year. Absolutely. This comes out. When he was a teenager, it was always that, oh, here we go again. Here Tasma goes again with this fucking, never going to let me live this down. It was three.

What do you want me to do? It wasn't even three. I was just about to turn three. Well, Tasma, what a great and terrible story. I so appreciate you telling us that. Thanks for the opportunity. So great to meet you. Yeah, right back at you.

I hope we bump into you in New Zealand. Come to Whangarei with David and, you know, you can come camping out at our farm. Yes. Sounds great. All right. Take care. Bye. I hate rats.

That's what your takeaway is? Rats? I mean, that was a big part of that. It is interesting. It was a big part of it, is interesting it was a big part of it but at the same time it was completely separate which is so shocking but that's why that's too many things going on at once like a rat in the house you're gonna remember the shit you'd remember for the rest of your life and then the head wound all of it feels very unsafe you're all the rat

the whole building shaking i'm sure too if they accidentally back that thing up into the garage, the whole thing could collapse. Don't say that. I think that would be possible. We'd be fine, though. We would? We would just slide six feet down. No, we wouldn't. We would die.

No. And we'd catch on fire because of the candle. It would just collapse this way. And then we would slide down like, wee! I'm in this corner, I think. You're very safe. Yeah. Yeah.

You might not even be involved. You and I are going to slide in the lazy ways. Wee! Ah! Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan, and they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with

a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and, of course, a great shower. Expedia, made to travel. Oh, is it working? I am the smartest girl alive. Yes, you are. Let me put my mic on that I stole from someone at work. Okay, great. Where do you work? I mean, you don't have to give us the name of the place, but what kind of job do you have? I think you'll appreciate where I work. I obviously am American, but I studied abroad while I was in uni and came to Perth and ended up in a sexology class. And on the first day of sexology class, got into a fight with the cute boy next to me about circumcision. And now I'm marrying him.

Oh, me cute. And was he, he was pro-circumcision, you were anti-circumcision? Opposite. Oh. I actually like that. I'm Jewish and that was just what I grew up knowing. Yes, yes. Throughout this sexology class, I learned a lot.

But over here in Australia, everyone's just rocking the turtleneck. Fuck yeah. I'm so jealous. I very much wish I had my foreskin. You do. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, first of all, you're supposed to have it.

You're not born with extra parts that need to get cut off. Yeah, exactly. Let's just start there. That's really true. I mean, there's the whole humanitarian bodily rights side of it. Very interesting. And thank God we had that fight because now I'm marrying my best friend in February.

I'm so excited. You could have submitted to meet cute. Since you were in a sexology class. No, I'm not going to tell you this. Monica will be mad. Now you have to. Okay. I think what's interesting,

if you have a foreskin, you basically can masturbate and you have lubrication. Like the whole thing slides. That's what seems really fascinating about having that. Does that make sense? That's why you want it. Yes. Okay, great. Not for anyone else.

Yeah, for sure. Okay. Thanks for bearing with that. Okay. Okay. This has to do with children. This has to do with children and not penises. Switching gears.

Thank you for being in a tent. And if you bump into Daniel Ricardo, say hi from us since you're in Perth. I promised my mom that I would invite you all to the wedding in February. We are getting married over here. There will be seats for the entire crew, Wobby Wob included, and Emma, Monty, of course, the kids. Even Emma got one. That's nice. That's really nice. And Danny, of course. Oh, Daniel Ricardo. Yes, that's his hometown. Of course. Can't have a wedding in Perth without Danny there. No. But yes. So my story, I saw the prompt and was talking

about it and trying to think, oh, you know, if I'm ever going to write in, it's going to be for this one. I started babysitting when I was really young. What state? I grew up in Arizona. Oh, okay, great. Started babysitting there, but the story takes place in New Orleans while I was a sophomore at Tulane. To backtrack a little bit, I met this family actually two years prior. This would have been 2012 in Costa Rica. The mom and the dad were artists, and we were there on a high school exchange trip where you go to Costa Rica. The mom and the dad were artists and we were there on a high school like exchange trip where you go to Costa Rica for a month and you do community service projects and you travel around a bit. They were there helping us paint murals. And I'm learning from them. They have this beautiful one-year-old boy, Vance. Cut to two years later, they live down the street from

me while I'm at Tulane. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, this is perfect. Easy money. They know me already. I can get in the door pretty quickly this is perfect. Easy money. They know me already. I can get in the door pretty quickly and start babysitting for them. And by then, they've had another beautiful daughter, Vera. I am called over one night. I've babysat for them a couple of times at this point. They're easy kids. Vance is, I think, three or four at this point

and Vera would have been maybe 10 months. Okay, baby. Anyone that's babysat before knows that that age difference can either be really easy because the four-year-old is independent enough to take care of themselves and the 10-month-old isn't really enough independent to cause a problem. Right, right. They're generally not walking yet. She was not. Or it can be an absolute terror. And I ended up getting the terror evening. Okay. So it starts out pretty easy. Vance is just so excited to show me all of his toys.

You know, we're playing with blocks. We're painting. We're doing arts and crafts. We're going outside. We're playing. I've got Vera attached to my hip most of the night just because she's 10 months old. And eventually we start to play dress up

and Vance decides to put on his tuxedo. Cumberbund, pants, full suit jacket, like this boy is dressed to the nines. Wow, he already owns a tux. What a smart young man. And he is looking fly, and he knows it. So Vance is all dressed up. We keep on playing. It's getting closer to bedtime.

So I'm thinking, all right, I'm going to start to put Vera in the bath. I'll chuck on a movie for Vance and he'll be fine. Because four-year-olds can watch a movie on their own and be fine. Yeah. And as I'm bathing her, I'm realizing it's really quiet. Like this is so nice. It didn't feel eerie. You felt grateful.

I was just like, oh, this is going really well. Yeah. So I grabbed Vera out of the bath. I'm dressing her, get her into her pajamas. And I can hear the movie in the background, but it's going from calm and quiet to, ooh, I don't love the sound of this silence. With Vera all dressed, I wander into the living room

and my jaw hits the floor when I see Vance standing in front of a wall. I don't know if it was his mom's or his dad's painting. Standing in front of the painting, tuxedo pants down around his ankles, diaper in his hand like a paint palette. Oh. And he has taken his poop, taken his medium of choice, and has added embellishments to the painting on the wall. This is a nice painting. What? Splattered.

Not just the painting. He's added embellishments to the television. All over the television. All over the couch. All over the carpet. It is a shit tsunami. He's gone full chimpanzee. He has gone full chimp. All over their living room.

And I, you can't, what do you do? Where do you start? Oh, fuck. And I say, Vance, what's going on? What happened here? And his only words were, I wanted to paint like daddy and mommy. Oh. No. No.

That didn't get you. Oh, okay. That did not get me at all. Impervious to that. That sounds very manipulative. Oh, you think he was in on it. Yeah. This will sound endearing. Yep. Is that how mommy and daddy are painting, I guess,

is the follow-up question. My mind is going a mile a minute. They're due home in an hour. Their entire living room stinks to the high heavens. Absolutely covered in call of duty, as you would say. And it is just absolutely horrific. So I have to prioritize, right? One, still need to get Vance cleaned up. I've got the baby, so I put her down first. She goes in her crib. She is not happy. I grab Vance literally up under the armpits and just travel him across to the bathtub where I'm stripping off the tuxedo, which is just absolutely ridiculous. Can you just imagine a four-year-old pantsless in a tuxedo suit?

That's wonderful. Just slinging shit at the wall. Like a really, really classy chimpanzee. It really makes sense. You know, sometimes they would dress those chimps up for people's amusement, put them on a bicycle or whatever. You can imagine them putting a suit coat on a chimp. I am scrubbing poop off of this boy because it's now it's like traveled down his legs. It's all over his arms. It's all over me, which is part of, you know,

the dangers of babysitting sometimes. But this is another level. How does a four-year-old produce so much excrement? It's one of the great mysteries of being a parent. I have that famous story about Delta where she took a dump. It was so enormous. I'm like, where on earth did that come from? Flush it, put her in bed, go into the living room. And I hear, daddy, I thought it is diarrhea. She's like singing it. And I go and get her and she's in a diaper, but it's fucking everywhere. I'm like, not possible. Where did all this come from?

Well, when it's liquid, I think it's. It's like half their body came out. Yuck. Wild. So he's now cleaned off. I get him into bed and by some miracle, both of them go to sleep. So I'm able to take the last 30 minutes to try to start tackling this living room. I mean, it's not my house. I have no idea where their stuff is, right? So I'm tearing this house apart, trying to find any

cleaning supplies. How do you get paint off of a painting? I mean, sorry, not paint, poop. How do you get poop off of a painting? Right. Yeah. I have no idea what to do. I don't want to ruin their artwork. I would have maybe tackled the room. Couch. And then I would have said, I didn't want to touch. I don't know if you're going to need to take that to a place, but obviously your pain is covered in feces.

I'm in a state of panic. I'm not thinking straight. Right. So I'm thinking about the painting. I'm trying to figure out what to do there. Eventually, I do decide to give up. I try to tackle the TV, but it's just like smearing in at this point. And like, it's not going well. I try to start tackling the carpet, but that's also just smearing in deeper and deeper. You're making everything worse. It's getting worse.

So eventually I just say, you know what? I'm done. Yeah. Yeah. The parents come home, and it just draws again on the floor. What the hell happened here? And I have to say, listen, I put Vance in front of the TV for 30 minutes while I gave Vera a bath, and I walked back to the Louvre, but shit. Like, just covered in poop. Vance's Picasso. Poop-casso, if you will, I suppose. They were so generous and kind about it.

We're still friends. Every time we're home in the States, I go to New Orleans and I get to see them and I remind Vance of this story. Yeah, that's your duty now. My call of duty has been fulfilled. He is my poopy Vance. Did the parents say this is not new?

Oh no, this was new behavior. I think he saw his opportunity and he ran with it. I also think it sounds like he was trying to impress you. He was like, check out my shit. Here's all my toys. I'm pretty stacked.

Let me throw on this tux for you. I'm handsome as fuck. Then check me out. I'm artistic and I paint. I think that's what was happening he was like he's showing you all of his skills i'm the man of your dreams yes look at this you didn't know i was artistic did you girl what were you doing washing my sister cool cool cool they're meet cute that's kind of a meat cute. But yes, it was misadventures in babysitting. I've had so

many of them. There was the time I babysat a family. The next day I had to go to the ER for some hijinks with my flies. And the dad was the one that had to do the... Oh, fuck. You never know what you're walking into. And I love it. Well, Mel, thank you for sharing that horrific story. So happy to share it. If anyone learns anything from my mistakes, it's you can never trust a four-year-old alone. So just don't take your eyes off them. Half hours too long to turn your back on a four-year-old in a tux. Definitely learned my lesson.

I love you guys so much. Thank you so much for the opportunity to do this. It is so cool. I told my mom I would try to grab her really quick if that's okay. Sure. Get her in here. Oh, my God. Is this for real?

My mom is visiting from the States. Hello. Hi, Mom. I have to tell you, you're part of the fabric of our lives. I am not kidding. Part of the thread that weaves through the quilt of the Greenbergs. That's so sweet. Thank you.

I just love you. Did she invite you to the wedding? Yeah, February. February. And we're free to bring Daniel Ricardo. We extend invitations to all of the people who are part of the quilt. Oh, how kind. Seriously, you two have changed our lives significantly.

We've been listening to you forever. You fill our hearts. You make us smarter and just give us giggles. Thank you so much. We love Mel's story. Isn't that hysterical? Yes, yes. And horrifying.

All right, hang on. Thank you so much for being so generous with your time. Yes, thank you. Take care, you guys. You're lovely. Have a good one. Oh, thank you. Take care, you guys. You're lovely. Have a good one. Oh, my God.

That was so cute. That was our first multi-generational. No, I think it's happened before. The babies, too. Okay, babysitting is so hard. I was just remembering. I'm sure you have a lot of PTSD. As you recall, most of my babysitting was with a child my age who I was pretending to be older than, so it wasn't that problematic. I just remember, I'm not just saying

this to you because I'm happy to not try to placate you. I don't think anyone would accuse you of trying to placate me. Exactly. But your kids were the first ones that this didn't happen to me. And I loved a lot of the kids I babysat for. But time goes at a molasses pace when you're babysitting. It would only be like four hours. And I would pick them up from school. And then it was like, how do I get through this? Yes. Okay.

So we're going to go to the library. And then we're going to. And I'm just like staring at the clock at the library. Can I get them to get more books here? Okay. I guess we'll go to the park. Only been 45 minutes since we left school. It's crazy.

But that didn't happen with my kids? It really didn't. I think part of the reason why is because Carly was there. There was an adult to talk to. It helped so much. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense. It's rough out there. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Oh, Matt, you're one of very few people that have their audio set up correctly. This is such a gift. Yeah, normally we would go through seven or eight minutes of troubleshooting to get your mic to work. I'm in tech, so I'm used to this. I do it on a daily basis. Perfect. Where are you at?

I'm in Henderson, Nevada, about 20, 30 minutes outside of Las Vegas. My father-in-law lives in Hendersonville. Very nice. I'm originally from Southern California. Where? Orange County. Okay. And Dax, you and I have actually met each other. I'm surprised you don't recognize me. I totally recognize you. Let me tell everyone how we met. On a horseback riding trail in Phoenix, we crossed. Wow. Yeah, you're on a horseback riding trail in phoenix we crossed wow yeah you're on a beautiful little palomino now when did we meet well you're very close but it was at a leaker game in la oh wait were you sitting in front of me no we were both going through security at the same time you were with tom arnold who i actually recognized first of course and then i i saw this tall handsome

actor looking fellow standing right next to him. I was like, oh my gosh, that's Dax Shepard. So how long have you been in Nevada? Wife and I have lived here for two years. Before that, we were in California. And then before that, we actually, between 2015 and 2018, were in Las Vegas as well. So we came back.

Now we're in the process of moving to Arizona. Oh, wow. Okay. You guys love the desert lifestyle. With my fair redheaded skin, we like to live life dangerously. Yes, yes. Okay. So you have a babysitting story that I presume takes place in Orange County?

Exactly. In 2005, I was about 14 years old. I used to babysit a couple of my neighborhood families that were in our exact facility. This family that was directly next door to us had two young boys, a six-year-old named Anthony and a nine-year-old named Nick. And for this story's sake, I have changed their names. Nice, nice. So Anthony and Nick. To give you some additional context on the family, they were really kind. Religious, church every Sunday type.

They had super high Christian moral values to the point where they wouldn't allow Nick and Anthony to watch certain movies like Harry Potter. That branch, yeah. But really nice, super respectful kids, would never disobey, would go to bed on time with no fuss, really super easy to babysit, which is probably why they allowed a 14 year old kid to babysit because they probably just needed somebody that could call the police if necessary, which might be a little foreshadowing. Okay. Here we go. So this night in particular was kind of like any other Saturday night that I would have babysat for them. Their parents were only going to be gone for a couple of hours. We had pizza, watched a movie that wasn't Harry Potter, got them in bed with no fuss.

I was hanging out downstairs, half asleep, waiting for their parents to come home when suddenly I heard just like a gut-wrenching scream come from upstairs from one of the boys. Of course, like my first reaction, I think it's very similar to your face, Monica. It's just like one of the boys are dead or there goes my babysitting career. I run upstairs. Once I'm upstairs, I noticed that the boys lights in their bedroom are off, but the bathroom light underneath the door was on. So I go up to the bathroom. I knock and ask if everything is OK.

I don't hear a response. I knock and ask if everything is okay. I don't hear a response. I then put my ear up to the door and I can hear that one of the boys is crying inside of the bathroom. Once I hear that, of course, I try to open the door, but it's locked. And then due to the commotion, the younger brother has now come out of his room. So I start pounding harder on the door, like, Nick, open up. Because, you know, I don't know if he's bleeding out. I don't know if he's pooped his bed i really am unsure of like what's going on i just want to

make sure that he's okay and like most homes the bathroom key is usually kept like on the doorframe i check and see if there is a key up on the doorframe there isn't any really quick matt i hate to interrupt or put a speed bump in your story, but I don't think that's common place. Oh, is it not? I think in your house, they have that. I have them. You did too.

I still do. I stand corrected. Three out of four. Look like a little wrench. My house, maybe it was a safe place to keep. It was like, yeah, it's very clever. I'm mad at myself. I've never thought of this.

So at this point, I'm panicking. And what does anybody do when they're panicking is they call their mom. So I immediately get out my flip phone, call my mom. Unfortunately, my mom doesn't answer. And then it dawns on me like, duh, I should probably call the parents of the kids that I'm babysitting. I call them that, you know, Nick let out this huge scream. He has barricaded himself into the bathroom.

They tell me that they're almost home. They're right around the corner. They get home really quickly. They rush upstairs. Of course, the dad knows where the key to the bathroom is and is able to get inside. But because of the way that the parents like both rushed into the bathroom at the same time, I didn't really like get a good vantage point of Nick. All I could see was that Nick was in the fetal position on the ground on his side. His legs were facing the door and his pajama pants were like at his ankles.

Okay. The mother immediately begins to console Nick, like asking him questions while the father like immediately turns around and goes, okay, Matt, thanks for all your help. Let's get you on your way. Oh, so of course, my initial response is like concern for me. Is he okay? Yeah. What has happened under my watch? Yeah, exactly.

The dad was really adamant about ushering me downstairs, getting me paid and sending me on my way. So at this point, I think it's just like a family matter. I don't really necessarily think there's much wrong with Nick. Sounds like magic gone bad to me. There was fear. Dark magic. Okay, okay. I go home

and since I live next door, it's just a quick walk. No less than like 30, 45 minutes later, I hear ambulance sirens and I see like bright ambulance lights. So of course,

this light catches my family's attention and myself so we go outside and we can see that Nick is being carried by paramedics like in a blanket,

is put into the ambulance and is like swiftly taken away whoa which is like super confusing yeah if i were you i would have interpreted nick's dad's like oh nick does something weird the family knows about he likes to put tonka trucks up his ass or something that's happened before that's embarrassing to the family they just want you out of there right so the next morning we go to the house to check to see if nick is okay and at this point the entire neighborhood like thought something was up and the mother tells us verbatim that nick was jumping on his bed and he fell on a drumstick and the drumstick was lodged up his butt no no no, no, no, no. How do you even, how does the drumstick get in a position to go up?

I called my mom before this and I confirmed those were the exact words that the mom told us. Nick was jumping on his bed, fell, and a drumstick went up his butt. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Nick was just putting a drumstick up his butt. Guys, guys, guys, guys. Nick was just putting a drumstick up his butt. Obviously, obviously. Maybe it is magic that the drumsticks define the loss. Harry's wand went up his ass. Oh my God.

None of it makes sense because if it was jumping on the bed, I would have heard it. It's not the rambunctious type. Wow. He was just testing some stuff out. Yeah not you've got a hole here's a thing that we luckily were told that nothing seriously happened to nick but you know they rushed to the hospital to have the drumstick removed really quick also there's so much wrong with this story matt i know you're telling me the truth but pull the drumstick out of the ass what do we know but maybe they were afraid maybe it was so far up like

maybe it was hitting organs and stuff i mean unless it was a splintery drumstick which is no way it was he wasn't a drummer he didn't turn the thing maybe they called the doctor and they said take him to the emergency room the doctor said no more jumping on the beds this is why yeah i'm sorry but if i go in there's a drumstick hanging out of my kids. I have to pull the drumstick out. I know you would, but I've heard things like that. Like, if you pull it out, then all the organs get dislodged. Well, I think what we've heard is, we've heard these stories.

The one I know is someone, like, hit a golf club against a tree. It broke. It went into their neck. And then they pulled it out, and then they immediately bled to death. And they said, had you come in, they would have been able to tend to it. Right. I'm serious.

Being safe. I'm sorry. But that you said the Tonka trucks as a joke. And then it was that. It was virtually that. Oh, my God. Yeah. Very strange.

Did it just end with that? Like, here's what happened. He's jumping on the bed. He fell. Somehow a drumstick was sitting vertical and he unluckily landed perfectly on it. His pants had fallen off as he was jumping. I don't know if this was a story that was made up by Nick and that the parents bought or perhaps that the parents were just telling us this.

I think the headline, Matt, is that thank God you weren't implicated in any of this. The only thing I would think is like, I don't want anything to do with anything anal happening to a child while I'm babys babysitting gotta get me out of that situation also what would you have done if he had opened the like then you would have had to yeah the parents would have came in you'd be sitting there with a drumstick up the son's ass my goodness i'd be like what the fuck is going on here matt we leave for two hours to do saturday night mass come on there's a fucking instrument my son. Of course, when retelling the story to my wife and my friends,

that's the immediate knee-jerk reaction that they go to. And it's so weird that the father's first reaction, if it was me, would have been turned around and been like, why is there a drumstick in my son's house? To kind of be like, oh, well, there goes Nick again. Let's get you home, Matt. We've been here before. Well, they obviously trust you.

You did all the right thing. You called them and you said, this is happening. I can't get in. The door's locked. Thank God you did all that. Because if they had just come in, they probably would have been more. But you're right. It was a blessing that Nick locked the door behind him.

Because then you're not involved at all. Oh, poor kid. Oh, man. He's having a little fun with a drumstick. And the next thing, he hurts himself. Ow! Yeah next thing he hurts himself yeah he goes and runs you know we've all put a drumstick can't say that's true but wow do you think it was a drumstick like a turkey yeah the chicken oh we just misheard the mom well she just left out she drumstick or chicken drumstick. You fell on a drumstick.

That actually makes somehow more sense. There was like an errant, stray chicken leg. Oh, Lord. Wow. That was unexpected. Did not see that coming. No. Matt, it was a pleasure meeting you.

Truly. What a great story story thank you for telling us that more than happy to and i'm really glad to be able to meet you both you want us to meet your wife yeah yeah absolutely let's get her in here kit kat oh that can't be her birth name kit kat get it kit kat hi hi kit kat it's so nice meeting you we love matt you really got a cutie pie i do i know i do i have to be honest i was giving him so much crap i told him like they're never gonna select that story i just thought there's gonna be so many wild babysitting stories that's pretty you think there's ones wilder than a drumstick up a child's ass? What could we have heard?

I mean, I thought, I don't know. There'd be some like parents walking in on like someone and their boyfriend. You never know. We didn't get any of those. So he had to shove the email in my face when it came through. Well, we loved it. We loved it. We love Matt.

And it's so nice to meet you. You too. All right. Take care. Wow. Well, those were fun. Babys's so nice to meet you. You too. All right. Take care. Wow. Well, those were fun. Babysitting is- Do you think-

Hold on. Let's just wrap this up. I could see this happening. Nick's lying in bed and his anus itches. That's so common. Your little butthole can itch when you're little. Okay, sure. And then you see a drumstick and you're like,

oh, use that to itch. That'd help. And then you're itching your asshole. And then you're like, oh, use that to itch. That would help. And then you're itching your asshole. And then you're like, oh, it feels good kind of when I itch the inside of my. You don't think it started as itching? No. You're just thinking that because you used to use the ruler on your foot. My cap gun with the metal trigger.

Yeah, I used to scratch it until my feet were bleeding. Yeah, so you have that in your head. But no, I don't think he was using it to itch his butt. I think you'd use your fingers to itch your butt like most kids do, but he just wanted to know what that felt like. Or maybe he had already done it once before and liked it. That was my dad.

That was the dad's reaction. There was no... You're right. If it was the first time the dad ever saw this, he would think that boy was weird. Yeah. Yeah. You would accuse the babysitter. I really, I don't think you would.

He had to go get the key. And also the son would have said like, he did this. I bet he saw and was like, this is so embarrassing. Well, he's like, this is so unchristian. Exactly. Like, I don't want anyone to see it. This is Harry Potter. I knew it.

Yeah. I knew this black magic would get through our house. I think it was that. He's trying to write a broomstick. Maybe he thought it was Quidditch. Like that Nick was trying to pretend he was writing a broomstick. He thought that's how you wrote it. Yeah.

That's fair. Anyway. Anywho. All right. Well, I love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song.

Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show. So here I go, go, great.