Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Bad Customer

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an experience with a bad customer.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Batman. Hi there. Today we have lots of stories, foreign fact, of bad, bad customers. Oh, naughty customers. Bad customer. I regret not making the prompt naughty customers as opposed to bad, because in fact, one of these people is very, very naughty. Deviant, I would say.

So naughty. So naughty. So, naughty. Okay. Creepy. People have really dealt with us. A lot of stuff. Yeah, it's hard to be in customer service.

It's a beat down. It's a beat down. It's probably one notch under the nurses, what they're dealing with, right? Yeah. Okay, please enjoy naughty bad customers. We are supported by Airbnb. As we head into fall, I'm already thinking about where I want to be when the leaves start turning.

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You end up discovering these spots that make the trip feel personal like you actually live there for a bit. With Airbnb, you're not just booking a place to stay. You're getting plugged into the neighborhood. Trips are just better with Airbnb. Hard times come and go. Take them slow. I had a more.

You got to know. I'm going to keep on shine. Hello. Hello. Already a fun accent on the table. I'm from the UK. Oh, wonderful. Whereabouts? Manchester. Oh, wow. You love Manchester. Dax had a love affair with someone from Manchester and he loves it. It's definitely opened my heart to Manchester for sure. There's a bit of a competition between the northerners and the Southerners in the UK and I'm team northern. I'm glad to hear that standard with North and South because Northern Californians hate Southern Californians, but we love them.

And generally Northerners hate Southerners of the United States. Yes, there's obviously a very historic North-South issue in the U.S. So you're from Manchester. Have you ever left? Yes, I'm only visiting Manchester this time. So I live in Singapore. Oh, my goodness. Holy smokes.

What are you doing in Singapore? I actually run a recruitment company for the shipping industry, for the maritime industry. So it's my own company. I actually set up this year. So it's been an exciting year. Congratulations. That's a big deal. Will you be a spectator at the Formula One race that's coming in a few weeks?

Oh, yes. And we go every year. There's one in Singapore. Yeah. Not only is there one in Singapore, but my dream is if you stay at that hotel with the weird boat on top, you can be in the pool and watch the race. Race. Cool. It's a really cool weekend. The vibe is amazing. It's very busy, but it's a fabulous weekend. We don't miss it. And if you stayed at that place, what's it called like the Marina Bay or something?

Marina Bay Sand. I haven't stayed there, but you can visit. And they've got a lovely cocktail bar on the top floor with an amazing view. So you can see the whole of the track pretty much from that bar. It's pretty amazing. Wow, that's amazing. My mom is dying to go to Singapore. Oh, yeah. It's been on list as long as I can. I went in 99, but I think it's changed quite a bit. I've lived there for eight years now, and even in those eight years, it's almost unrecognizable. It's changed so much. There's so much building work. It's progressed so much. It's a really very popular destination now to live, to visit. Okay, so you have a bad customer story. I do. So this does take place in the UK. It takes place in 2014.

I was living and working in London at the time, and I was working in a West End theatre, one that showed Mamma Mia. So just to set the scene a little bit, three things that you should know about the story coming up. First of all is it takes place in the summer holidays. So the theatre that I worked in had a deal for one month of the summer holidays where one child goes free per one paying adult.

So that month is always crazy. There's loads of kids in the matinee shows. It's a very family-friendly show, Mamma Mia. The second thing to note is that it is also very popular, the matinee show, with hen parties, bachelorette parties. Oh, hen party. I love that. I've never heard that. Yeah, I like hen parties.

Me too. Particularly Mamma Mia, you know, it's a fun show and it sets the day up nicely. And the third thing is that this. This theater is about 1,100 seat capacity. So it's not huge, but it's not tiny. And most of those 1,100 people turn up to the theater 15 minutes before the show starts. The last 15 minutes before the show starts is mayhem. You're having to make some quick assessments on people.

You're looking out for trouble customers. You're looking out for nice customers and seeing what's going to be happening throughout the next two-hour show. And what are some of the red flags when you're looking for a bad customer? Are inebriation? Is that on the table? It's high on the list. Innebration is probably the number one that we're looking for at this stage. Come on, guys.

Well, sometimes, like, your wife drags you to this play. You're on vacation and you're, like, get drunk at the pool. And you keep thinking you're not going to have to go to this show. But then there you are, and you're pretty hammered. Exactly. And in the UK, we love a bottomless brunch. And the matinee starts at 3 p.m. So you have your bottomless brunch.

You take your way to the theatre. Oh, what a day. It's dicey, let's just say that. I mean, yeah, it's an amazing day if you're having the day. I just imagine 20% of the audience out cold snoring. Yeah, exactly. Because they're drunk. It's happened.

This particular day, I am working as an usher in the dress circle. So that's the first layer. You've got the stalls. You've got the dress circle. So I'm an usher. I'm inside the theater. And I have already got a radio call to say I've got a hen part. coming to my circle, and they have been put on a watch list already. Oh my God. So they come in,

they're having a lovely time. They're okay so far, but they've each got a couple of glasses of wine with them as well that they've been allowed to bring into the theatre. That was maybe the first bad choice of the day, but we'll look past that. And we get them settled in their seats and they're having a lovely time. So I'm seating other patrons, and I look over, and they have managed to sneak in an inflatable penis, which they have now blown up. Oh, boy. I mean, it's not huge, but it's noticeable. And they're now waving it around.

There's a lot of kids around. It's a matinee show in the summer holidays. It's very funny. I'm laughing as well. You know, I'm trying to hold it together. And I ask them very politely, can you please pass me the penis? Sure. They start to pass it down the row and they drop it.

Accidentally. That was in quotes for the listener. The penis proceeds to bounce down the rose. Oh, boy. And it bounces all the way down to the stalls, the level below. So we've got a penis falling from the sky. So that's caused a little bit of a stir, but that's okay. At least now the penis isn't my problem. That's downstairs.

It's problem. The show begins. The ladies start to have a little bit of fun. You know, they're singing along to the music. they are waving and dancing, which you'd think would be okay at Mamma Mia, but we had a policy of people pay good money to see a West End show. They pay to see the performers sing, not a bachelorette party, sing the songs. So I very politely ask them, please can you not sing anymore?

That's part of the policy. We don't allow singing and dancing throughout the show. So they quieten down a little bit, but then they get more and more drunk with their wine, They're having a great time. And by halfway through the first act, I'm having to call security. It's getting a little bit too much and people around them are complaining. The policy is that we wouldn't kick them out in the middle of an act. It's too disruptive to the whole theatre.

So the bouncers will just come and stand next to the row and look a little bit menacing and they can see that they're being monitored and now they should be behaving. It doesn't stop. So the decision is made that at the interval, they're going to be told they're not allowed to re-enter the show. They will be asked to leave the theatre. The interval happens. They come out of the seats. They go to the bar where they are refused service.

The front-of-house manager says to them very calmly, we've had some complaints. You're not meeting our policies and now you will not be allowed to re-enter. An argument ensues, of course. They are really kicking off at this point. They're shouting, they're swearing. There's a lot of things going on. It's the middle of the interval. And so the big dog is called in. The theatre manager comes down from her office. Now, my theatre manager is amazing. She's very calm. She's very stoic. She doesn't take shit from anybody. I love it. I would listen to her. She scares me. So she comes down and she has a calm conversation with them.

And she manages to get the situation under control. As this has been going on, the second half of the show has now resumed. But there's still this discussion happening in the foyer of the theatre. The ladies are very upset, obviously. They want to be allowed back in or a minimum they would like a refund, which is never going to happen. Things very quickly start to escalate again. Oh, boy. And they become even more irate. It's notching up to maybe an eight out of ten on the beautory scale at this point.

And so a decision is made to call the police because at this time, it's now been about 30 minutes of them arguing. Once we tell them we will be calling the police to remove them from the theatre, it's a group of five women, three of them leave. They decide, we're not getting mixed up with the police. We're going to leave calmly. However, the last two women, they want to make a point. They're not leaving.

One of the women decides to pull down her trousers, squat, and do a poo in the middle of the foyer of the theatre. No. Oh. I thought a pee was coming our way. Me too. But she was like, no, I'm going full Tonka. Full number two.

Oh, my gosh. Your theater manager who sounds like Tom Hardy, that's her vibe. Like it gets scarier, the quieter she gets. What is her reaction to the poop in the theater? She's very calm. Actually, throughout the whole thing, she's saying, Madam, please. I think I know what's going to happen now. if you could please pull your trousers back up.

If you do need to use the toilet, we do have a toilet. We can facilitate that. First of all, congrats to her that she had one in the chamber that she could just pull the trigger on that quickly when she got angry enough. I think that was just sim.

She got herself excited about the cops. But can you imagine being pissed and going, you know what? I'm going to fucking shit right here. And what are the odds that you would be prepared at that moment to actually? So much wine. Okay. So she maybe has been holding the end.

She's been drinking all day. Okay. Wine can sometimes get things moving. Wine can have that effect on people. Loose, yeah, exactly, Monica. And so in the end, after she's done the poo, she pulls her trousers up without wiping. Ew. Yeah, you haven't even think about it. She took her sock off.

Ew. That's the best move. And walks out of the theatre with her friend. Like, nothing ever happened. And that was that. The cops never... They didn't arrive in time. We're in a theater that people won't leave.

We're not high up on their list on that Saturday afternoon. So they never arrived in time. They ended up being called off because the woman decided to leave. She did her business and she left. Whose job was it to then handle that? Clean up duty. The theater manager. She was a believer of I would never ask you to do something that I wouldn't be prepared to do myself.

Oh, God. Did you stick around and watch? She got her rubber gloves on. We were all watching. Oh. Yeah, because I'm like, I would ask for two paper plates from the concession stand, and I would have tried to, you know, move. Because you're kind of imagining it as like dog poop. That's right.

Yeah, yeah. This is human wine poop. Was it real loose? Not to get too. Did she need a mop or a paper plate? It wasn't loose, loose, but no. Okay. Oh, this theater full of children and a grown-ass woman is pooping on the floor.

First of all, I'm very sorry for you in the state. staff there. No one should have to deal with that. But I do wonder if this story came up during like the rehearsal dinner speeches. This person as vile as she is likely a legend now in her circle. Oh, kind. Like you remember the time Betty dumped at the West End theater and she never broke eye contact with the scary manager. Like she's most certainly a legend in her circle for this. But she wasn't the bride, right? Do we know? The bride had a sash saying bride. And then the rest of them had a sash saying team bride. The bride left when the mention of the police, she hot-footed out there. Oh, my God. What is a bachelor party called a rooster party?

Cock party? A stag do. Oh, okay. I have made some observations. Certainly men get really naughty on these bachelor parties. That's well documented, and I don't forgive them. But I'm mostly privy to these hen parties that come through Nashville. I have to say I have observed the intoxicated. The intoxicated level is harder and quicker and earlier in the day. You guys agree? Yes, because it's an all-day affair into the evening and then the next day, hopefully, if you're there for the weekend. They can get pretty wild.

I mean, I know the men's parties are notorious, but the women's can get pretty wild as well, I think. It's comforting that all people behave like animals. Different kinds of animals, but yeah. Yeah, animals is just the same. Wow, Amy, what a great punchline. I thought maybe a fight was going to be the punchline, but the fact that she just hold her slacks, and not even address slacks. Like, that takes a minute to get down.

Wow. Yes. Yeah. And I got to imagine you were just immediately excited to tell your five best friends when you got off work. Oh, everybody was called. WhatsApp groups were messaged and it went down in history in the theater. We saw a lot of stuff in the theater, but I think that was probably one of the worst things that we've seen. That's great.

That's great. I'm so glad you witnessed that and we're able to tell us about it. Me too. Me too. It's a good story. Amy, it's so nice meeting you. Thank you guys too. I really appreciate the time and lovely to meet you both.

All right. Well, enjoy your trip home. Thank you. Have a great day. Bye. Alex. We don't want to start up with an uh-oh. We're in a matching fabric chair.

I'm in my daughter's room. Yeah, it's kind of. of a fake lamb wool stitch. They call that like boo. Bukaki? No. I forget what I call. You call it Target.

Yeah, also great. Targe, Target. Where are you at, Alex? I'm in San Jose, California. Good old Silicon Valley. Close to the shark tank. Ten minutes from there. I had a famous poop there.

And, you know, there's a little park just, well, our last caller involved the poop. There's a little park immediately to the right of the, shark tank and it has a little public bathroom, which is great. And I had been working there all day long when I worked for GM. All of a sudden I was like, oh, I got to go. And I ran across that park. And I got there and they had closed that bathroom for the night. But I had already told my body, we are seconds away from deploying. And then I had to bounce into the woods right next to the park. And when I saw next to me, remember the story? The Sim provided me a huge bag of cotton balls someone left out there. And that's how I cleaned up.

to meet you, Alex. You too. And that's not uncommon in San Jose, by the way. I saw many other deposits while I was in that part. Oh, I hope you left a bag of cotton balls, too. It's like you take one, you leave one. I didn't use them all. There's plenty. Next, you just go back later, you know. So, Alex, you have a bad customer story. Yeah. The saying we have is you remember the good ones, but you never forget the bad ones. Well, I'm a flooring contractor. So if you're remodeling your house, I also need hardwood or selling the carpet. You come to our showroom. We want an indiana measure.

Get installers there. So we're mom and pop shop. I just started. This is my first month, pretty much. How long ago was this? Almost 10 years ago. Okay, okay. Fresh out of college is just starting.

Trying to make dad proud. Show my got the juice like Pops does. Sure, sure. So a customer comes in. Nice Asian lady, probably 65, five foot tall. I noticed she's very religious, very touchy. Kind of flirtatious. Wait, why did you think she was religious?

Was she wearing like a cross or something? Cross and right away. Today's a blessed day. Oh, got it. Okay. Don't you think God's blessed us all? Oh, wow. That's all fun, but that's not really, you know, me.

As Cedaris says, when they say have a blessed day, he feels like he's sprayed by God juice. Oh. Yeah. Whenever floats your boat, right? Yeah, yeah. And sales, you kind of go with the flow. I'm helping her through the showroom looking at stuff. And I notice she's kind of very flirtatious.

And I'll razzle. I'll shake and bake to get a sale and entertain it. Yeah. It was kind of the point she's starting to touch your arm. Do you work out? You're so stern and young. Oh. So far I like this.

Yeah, this is fun. When you first start off in sales, too, at least in this industry, you don't know what you're doing. You don't know what's right from wrong. You're just trying to people please. So the biggest thing I noticed too is when she leaves, she gives me a big hug, which is not really common. And she says, I cannot wait to see you, like when I come to her house.

Oh, wow. A week later, I'm about a good, she shoots me a text the night before saying, I cannot wait to see you with a heart emoji. Oh my God. Can I ask, did she order carpet or hardwood? What was she in the market for? She didn't pick yet, but she did end up picking, it's called an LVP, if you've heard of it, kind of a synthetic plastic. It's a little cheaper. Looks like wood, I'm on my way there, super nervous.

You have no idea to expect. I don't know the answers to their questions. Right when you pull up, you're like, this place is fucked up. There's shit everywhere in the front. Oh, no. They have multiple crosses in Jesus statues. She opens the door and right away a few things are off. Right away, you smell, right away, you smell, right?

You smell, hoard smell from the house. Ooh, ooh, okay. She's wearing a revealing tank top, red lipstick matching her tank top with pig tails, kind of like Britney Spears. Oh, she's got like a character. And then she does her, hi, like, welcome in. And gives me a huge hug. I was prepared to the ass out hug.

She doesn't. She goes like full in grasping. And then I look behind her. There's a ginormous man. I'm talking like 6, 8, 300 plus pounds. And he's just smiling. What's his age? Probably about 40.

Wow. So are you quickly trying to figure out, is this son or a young lover? What's the dynamic? What the hell is going on here? Yes. What is this relationship? Have you seen Mine Hunter at all? No.

Serial killer profiler? looks like him, the worst sounds like him. He's very monotone. So he goes, Alex, it's so good to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you. Everything's red flags. Shakes my hand.

I've never felt something so feminine yet masculine. So he almost shook it as if he was a queen and I'm supposed to kind of kiss his hand, but then turn it into the hardest shake of my life. So as a guy, I was like, I think he's telling me he thinks I'm cute. but also letting me know he's so big, I can't do anything about.

A lot of subtext. Mix messages. Yeah, yeah. Before I could comprehend this dynamic, I turn and I realize this house is full on hoarders. There's going to need a crew in there for a week before you're talking about flooring. They need a hazmat crew for us to just do the job. Again, first time trying to get a sale, you kind of push this all out of the way.

I'm going to make Dad proud today, you know? Yeah. Then I knew it was immediately off when they started holding hands. I don't know if you've ever had a plumber or someone over your house. You're not going to call your wife, kind of hit on the guy and hold hands two feet away, and walk the house. So I'm measuring small talk. Hey, how long have you been here? All these things.

Within minutes, the big guy goes, how much is this going to cost? I'm here to figure that out for you, brother. Figure 10, 15 grand, you know, but we'll see. He goes, okay, we're going to go discuss this privately. That's awkward, right? So the kickers, they walk about three feet away as if it's private. I could still clearly see you and hear you. And a lot of little giggling kind of goes on.

This is so crazy. This is a good chance for me to get going on the measurement. I could get this house done without talking to them. So I keep hearing them flirt. And the picture is, remember, this guy's almost seven foot and she's five foot. Oh, wow. And there's about a 30 to 40 year gap. So I thought it might be her son who's goofy.

But I'm starting to realize, nope, I'm thinking they're lovers. Okay. The handholding. I get back to where they're standing. He has his finger on her chin like he's about a kisser like in a romantic movie. Yeah. And then they're just like whispering and he gives her like a little two finger kind of slap. Oh.

I'm kind of loving it. I'm like, this is awesome. This is a good story. And then he winds up and gives her a nice like, oh, like actual slap. Okay. Oh, my goodness. She's like looking into his eyes and love. And I kid you not, as I walk by, you hear you like that, don't you bitch?

Oh, my goodness. I think I need to get out of here, maybe. So I continue my measurement. These people, by the way, would appear and disappear. So I'm walking out of nowhere. You're kind of like, oh, shit. Or right there by your shoulder. And they start asking me questions.

You just don't ask a contractor. Like, hey, are you single? What's your partner? Like, do you guys like to go out and have fun and drink? Are you hidden on me right now? So I'm at this point rushing. I'm like kind of sweating. Let's get the hell out of here.

Last room's the master. As I'm about to open it, the little lady jumps in front of me and says, oh, we're not going to go in there right now. Oh, right now. This was the creepiest part. The guy's smiling at me and goes, at least not yet.

Yeah, you're like, yo, this is out of a movie. You're like, this is the weirdest scenario I've been in. How they find each other? match made in heaven. They met at church. And then they would ask me if I could go to church. They even asked me if I would go to one of their church events and that a group of people hang out after.

So my mind's like, I'm not trying to judge a book by a cover, but I think we got a weird swinger. Yes. Three way thing going on here. Just the basics, right? A little shake and bake. I wonder what was in that bedroom. A dead plumber?

Maybe. A dead roofer. A swing said and stuff like that. Sure. And then mind you, there's Jesus stuff everywhere, a shrine of Jesus, candles, just everything. Poor Jesus. I'm sad he had to witness this.

I told him during our discussion how I pulled my back the first day. I don't know if you guys have ever pulled your back. You can't walk. It hurts. So as I'm leaving, they go, please, can we pray for your back before you leave? No, thank you. Like, I appreciate it. And they're being very persistent.

Maybe later, if you want, I'm not too religious. but thank you. But in the end, obviously, I give in. So I say, what do I do? She says, bow your head and close your eyes. And mind you, when they talk to you, have you seen an obsession yet? Yes. That girl does a great job when smiles with her eyes wide open.

That's what they both did the whole time. So when they go, can we pray? It's more of like, can we pray for you? Sure. Normal prayer. After like 30 seconds, I realize they started creeping closer and closer to me. So they went from three feet, two feet, one feet. Okay, I'm feeling their breath on me at this point.

And I'm not in kidding, I got frozen. I was like, I don't know what to do right now. I look, and their heads are right here at my shoulders. And I feel like their body's touching my body. Their prayers started to get weird. It had nothing to really God. It was like, get this man the testosterone and strength to prevail. You know, like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything?

and then they start rubbing my back. Ew! Like sensually. This guy has a huge hand. So it's getting real weird. The lady's doing most of the prayer, and the guy would just like kind of compliment her. So if she was like,

give this man the blessings he needs to perform, she would just be like, to perform. Oh. And then she starts groping me like on my love handles, like kind of squeezing. Sure, she loves him. Holds herself up to my shoulder

because she's short and starts whispering. I can't understand it. And then I find out she's speaking tongue. If you ever heard of it. Oh, no. Her lips touch my ear as if she's kind of kissing. And then the hairs on my neck go up. I wake up out of this frozen whatever.

Suspended state. And right away, I got back to human and went, hey, guys, I'm getting the fuck out of here. Yeah. I'm not in this shit. I'm rushing out the front door. Big guys kind of chasing me. They have like a little front gate that's half open.

I kicked it open, broken. Don't care. I'm getting out of here. Get into my truck. Hey, I'll contact you. Like, just leaving. And then they sit there on the sidewalk, hand over shoulder, both smiling, waving, like happy family as if nothing just happened.

So I go back to my showroom and all my older employees are 50, 60, done it for decades, having a ball making fun of me. You know, this is not. normal. You should have left. Right. But the strategy in our job is you could technically fire a customer. So you pretty much just double the price. They're not going to go for it. You say no problem. Everyone's happy. Go both ways. So I did that and ironically, the big kickers, they signed up. No. So I was like, that's not fun. I don't want to do it. Yeah. And so about a month later we go, I forewarned all my installers. Don't take shit. Don't let them touch you. All

these things. And there's a lockbox and he gets in and he says the house is practically empty. No one's there. No one's living there. No Jesus statue is no nothing. And the odd part is the master bedroom was still locked. This is so weird. I believe someone tried to pull me in a religious sexual three way. And it was my first real measurement of my career. So it's kind of like, Can't get much more from here, right? Yeah, it's a good first one to have. You really can navigate everything going forward. Yeah.

I got to say, I've always felt this way, there becomes a fine line between some of these deeply religious folks and satanic worshippers. Like, once you're speaking in tongues and you're involved in orgies, like, aren't we Satanus? And culty. Licking people's ears? Oh, boy.

Wow. So they didn't pay. No one installed anything, I presume? We installed and she sent a check. Oh my gosh. I never saw her again. And I refused to meet her because she wanted to meet up for coffee so she could give me a deposit. I said, put that bitch in the mail.

Yeah. I kept it to like texting calls. I didn't show up. The guy said nothing was there. We did the job. And about a year later, they called me. I convinced them to do just materials, like purchase the materials and we won't install. So they purchased the materials.

and came to the show and picked it up, and it was kind of like the last we ever saw, thank God. Wow, Alex, what an experience. I'm kind of jealous. When you do sales and meet thousands of people, the pros is you meet a lot of people and see how they live. The cons, you meet a lot of people and see how they live.

Not everyone's what you think. You get into a house and we've had plenty of issues where someone got killed in a house, and no told us you go there, there's 13 dead cats. Oh, baby. No one tells you. You just show up and you get a surprise. I live for this.

I think it's awesome as long as you don't get, I guess, kidnapped or hurt. Nothing you can't tell over a drink with the guys. Oh, Alex, what a lovely story. Thank you so much for telling us. Yeah, of course, man. Thanks for having us. My wife and I are big fans. Is she there?

Can we say hi to her? Oh, yes, please. She's 38. Look at that. She opens the door right away. Oh, I'm waiting. Hello. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?

Another girl. Oh, exciting. Congratulations. The way to go. For way to go, for sure. Lovely meeting you guys. Congratulations. Thank you.

Thanks, guys. We appreciate it. Fun experience. All right. Bye. Maybe it could be either a girl's name or a boy's name. We know that from my list. I think it's a girl.

I think it's a girl. Hi. I won the bet. There was a bet here, whether you would be a boy or a girl. I also won. You said a girl? Yeah, Rob said a boy. Oh, I thought you said a boy, too. No, I just said it could go either way because I just read a list of girl names that are also boy names. And Dexton, let me read the whole list. Fair minds also spells the boy way. Okay. That's fair to Rob. Further compounding. Where are you, Jamie?

I'm actually in the Dallas organ, which is right next to the river where all your family is from. I know the Dell as well. We had to go there for Home Depot runs anytime we needed something in Hood River. Yeah. So I'm actually an esthetician. I just listened to your guys' waxing story. That's what I do for a living. I was managing a salon.

And one day one of my employees called me that a man had actually booked a male Brazilian. And she did not offer this service. I also did not offer this service. but I just went to Vegas and learned at like a class on how to perform this service. So I was like, you know what? It's my time to grow up and be a good boss and I can do this. Tell me what is a male Brazilian. Tell us what the distinction is.

It's the traditional like Brazilian wax except for most asceticians don't offer it for men. So that's the only difference. I don't even know what a Brazilian is. All hair gone, including your butt hole. Yes. Whole genitalia, everything, every hair there, gone. I'm already imagining why it's challenging on a man because they have so much butt hair. We're going to stop at the butt cheeks.

That's going to be a little weird. You see hair on the legs, like their pants. Yeah, I wouldn't know where to stop if I was applying it around the anus. I'm like, how far out do I take this? But anyways, that's my confusion. That's for you to think about. Yeah. It also was my confusion.

But it's also like, I'm familiar with my anatomy. I've been trained on how to handle female anatomy. I have not been trained to handle male anatomy outside of how I'm already familiar with male anatomy. So I really didn't want to be doing this. Oh, yeah. The guy shows up and I'm tall. I'm 5'8. This guy is like maybe 5, 2, 5.3, so I'm immediately like, oh, thank God, this isn't intimidating.

Okay, I want to interrupt really quickly. Dax is normally the one to do this, but I'm immediately like, I'm immediately like, oh, I'm immediately like, oh, oh, I'm immediately like, oh, oh, I'm immediately like, I'm I'm going to do it. You're very pretty. Thank you. You are. I'll go further. You're hot.

Okay. Well, I wanted to, I just was trying to, you know. Yeah. Yes, you're hot. She's trying to be polite. Yeah. I'm trying to say it. But I just think in this context, hot's relevant.

Yeah. Okay. Yes. And you're going to be touching a man's penis and pulling on it. Because part of waxing people who don't know is like making the skin taut. Thank you. He's a little. Monica is exactly right.

It is like a dangerous thing. to be doing. I immediately, like, my guard kind of went down because I was like, you know what, the way that he looks and not to be rude, he might not have ever had his penis touched before. Oh, even worse. This is worse, not better. I wasn't nervous anymore. Okay. Okay, great. So we go back there. I start doing my best. I'm trying to run through, like, everything that I have learned from the class that I had taken on it. Everything is so much different. It's a challenge. I will say I wax women all the time. They sometimes make noises, but not a ton of noises.

And if it is, it's like very and obvious, like, oh, my God, that hurts type of noise. This guy is either dead silent or he is groaning. Oh, boy. I already knew that it would not be uncommon for them to have an erection during the service, and I was fully prepared for that. I was not prepared, though, for him to be, like, pushing himself in. into my hand every single time I'm touching. He was staring here the entire time.

Your motion. Yeah. Yep. Okay, Monica's going to handle. He'd be like rolling his eyes in the back of his head. And I was like, this is just feeling not professional. I finished the service. I'm like, that doesn't feel normal.

I call my boss and I'm like, here's everything that happened. It felt very sexual to me. And she's like, no, you're being sexist. You wouldn't treat women this way. So I go on and I wax this guy for maybe two, three, four times. And each time that I wax him, the reaction to what I'm doing gets like more and more severe. So his groans are louder. He has some leakage.

Oh, no. Oh. Okay, goodness. Like we can say it pre-come. Yes, I just didn't want to say. I know, I'm sorry. I'm going to go ahead and say everything that needs to be said today. Yeah.

So I might be tugging her shoulder at some point if I really need something said. But yeah, we'll call that PC. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Every time I wax him, I begin talking to my boss, like, okay, he's being so overly sexual each appointment. Then one day I'm doing the service and he completely and fully ejaculates everywhere. No.

Jesus. I miss most of it. I dodged it very quickly. Some of it gets on me. Most of it goes all over him. It wasn't quiet. It was all very obvious that that's what happened. Mind you, I'm 21.

And I am like, I do not know how to handle this. So I pretend it doesn't even happen. I literally just carried on. Then again, I go to my boss and I'm like, he literally ejaculated on me. And she's again, like, you know. just man up. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this a woman boss?

Yes. This is insane. This is a terrible boss. This could be a terrible boss story. It could. I mean, she needs to be fired. Does she want to be operating a jackoff booth? Like, is that she want this type of client?

Also, then she can do it herself. Yeah, get her in there. A fun fact, this boss was also my stepmother. Oh, who makes this even crazy. Oh, my. Bad boss, bad stepmom. Yes, stepmom story. Okay, wow.

I'm sorry. That's horrible. It gets crazier. Not for me. This next part is actually for my coworker. So I end up telling her after that, I was like, I'm officially done, though. I cannot handle this. He had also said to me, does it arouse you to cause me pain like this?

And I was like, I've got you. I knew this whole time what your intention. were here. So fast forward, I don't see him anymore. And he ends up booking with one of my coworkers. And she again reaches out to him to tell him she doesn't offer the service. He doesn't answer. He shows up. He starts demanding that she do the service. She says, nope, I'm not doing it. I'm going to ask you to leave. There was like five or ten minutes worth of arguing about it. He finally leaves. This coworker took the evening shift, so it was pretty common. She would be there from 5 p.m. until dark, and she would be alone in the salon.

So this day, she's closing up. It's like 9.30 at night. She shuts all the lights off. She had to go up this flight of stairs, and then there's the back door, like right at the top of the stairs that we would exit out of. And as soon as she opens the back door, he's right there. He pushes her into the building. No. And he is like, you're going to do my wax now.

Thankfully, she is very strong and she was like, absolutely, I'm not fucking doing this. Get the fuck out of here. And I'm going to call the cops. And that finally was enough to make him leave. And we never saw or heard from him ever again. But he's just prowling around the dows. Probably. And Dax, are you familiar with like binge in?

Yeah, yeah. He worked for that company. sit you. Oh, sure. That makes the drones. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's all around. Oh, boy. Oh, Jamie, I'm so sorry. Horrible. Yeah, this is beyond bad customer. This is criminal customer. Okay, we got bad stepmom prompt. We got bad boss prompt. We got sexual assault prom.

S.A. Uh-huh. This is wild. And of course, tell us about a short guy. Um, we're probably not going to do that prompt. Was that your only dust up doing that stuff? Did you just go like, I'm not doing dudes ever again? No, that's not the only dust up. Do women ever act inappropriate? No.

Never. I like that answer. Yeah, it was a dumb question. I officially no longer offer male Brazilians because every single one that I have done has ended up either kind of stalking me or doing something inappropriate at some point. So it's a no for me. Yeah. I hate the stereotype, but if I were you, I'd only do small gay men.

I'd have to go like, well, are you small and are you gay? If so, I'll do it. And otherwise, absolutely not. I know, but even still, I feel like just stay away from these men's penises, you know. Men should have to do the, although there's not enough. I imagine when you go to these Vegas conventions for anestheticians, very few are men, I'm guessing. I've never met Actual.

Yeah. I've never seen any of the other. But also because, yeah, because women aren't going to a male institution. Right, right. It can only do dudes. Yeah, and then not very many dudes want it. And then the dudes want them women because they're gross. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, this is tricky. Maybe barbers could start offering it. That's right. Okay. Well, I'm so glad you made it out of there. I'm glad you stuck up for yourself. You tried. Is that woman still your stepmom?

No. Yeah. Good. Yeah. Yes. Well, it's a delight to meet you. Yeah. I could have bumped into you in the Dales back when my mom was in Hood River.

I've been waiting and waiting and it just never happens. Do you ever eat at solstice pizza? Yes, all the time. What a place, huh? I want pizza. It is a great place. That might be the number one thing I miss about my mother having left Hood River. What kind of pizza did they have?

Oh, it's like organic, premium ingredients, tons of fun options. Oh, yum. Very organic-e, healthy pizza place. What are you giggling about? I just keep saying organic over. I do. I don't know. Not giving any other description of what this is.

But it sounds great. It's delicious. Really quick, I did want to say, I feel like I hear you, Dax say all the time about how nobody ever knows who you are outside of Kristen Bell. And I wanted to say that I knew you way before I ever even knew who Kristen Bell was. because without a paddle is one of my all-time favorite movies. Well, that delights me to no end.

And maybe you should try out for the Savannah Bananas, because that's the other folks who seem to have watched without a paddle. I was just talking about this today. Jamie, it's so nice meeting you. Yes, thank you. Take care. Oh, my gosh. Hello.

There we go. Is this Kyle? Let us take in your environment. You're a teacher. Came for the podcast, staying for the therapy. Oh, my God. Listener, not only is that written behind him on some white background. Dry race.

There's also two cute little cherries above. You're so meticulous in borderline OCD. Even the stems go outward. I noticed that. That's very pleasing. I cannot take full credit for that one. I may have some other arm cherry fans in here who helped out. Kyle, where are you?

I'm actually at Rush. Medical University here in Chicago, Illinois. I'm in the Restatory Care Program, so loving it. We love doctors and nurses. I'm so honored that all these smart people are listening to us. And with that being said, you know, we've got to throw on his medical jacket. Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow.

This is great. So you're teaching? I'm not teaching. I'm a student. I just started my clinical rotation. So in the final year of it all. Oh, you're holding up. It's a beat down, yeah?

Sleep is a rare thing to get. We battle through. And they used to let residents take amphetamines, no? That's what my understanding is. Something like that. Okay. But hey, pleasure of meeting you guys. I'm excited to tell you my stories.

Let's go back to the year of 2020, the infamous year of 2020. I like to say mine got a little bit more interesting. So this is around October. I was not in school. I was just working as a bartender at this martini and wine bar. Pretty high-end place, you know, typical place you bring in your first day. What city? Bloomington Normal, Central Illinois, right smack in the middle.

Okay. Rob, have you ever passed through? Yeah, it's like three and a half hour south of Chicago. Okay, great. Yeah, a small little city, pretty cool. But anyways, I'm at this restaurant. My manager just left. So I was kind of like the manager on duty.

We had a new bartender. And I was just like, you know what? Yeah, I'll stick around a half a muck. closed up. So we've got all our regulars at the bar, you know, this time of night. We got this one guy who's like a professional poker player online. So he's always at the bar with his martini, sipping on that playing. And he's got a good buddy who we call Big John. He's like 6-7, 280. He's like bouncer at all the different bars around town. So everybody knows them. So we're all just hanging out. And then this guy walks in. And immediately you're just like, okay, doesn't seem like

the type that would come in here, but whatever, sure. So he walks up to the bar, ends up ordering his drink, and I see him bickering with the bartender over the price, I think it was, because, you know, he ordered it on the rocks, and typically we pour extra of it to rocks, and it comes with a little surcharge.

Nothing crazy. I think the total cost of the drink was like $12. Well, he starts arguing about it. So the poker player is sitting right there, and he's like, hey, man, I'll buy your drink. Just get away. I got my computer here. So what does the guy do?

He takes his drink and he slams it on the computer. Computer just, you know, shatters. The poker player just throws his hands up like, dude, what the heck just happened? And then Big John picks this guy up and it's carrying him out. And I'm just like, oh, come on. The manager just left and I got to deal with this. And I'm like, John, you don't work here. Can't really be touching other customers.

So I run outside. They're arguing, yelling at each other. John, I tell him to go inside, he goes inside, and this guy just won't stop screaming. And I'm like, dude, calm down. And he's like, dude, I got paid for it. I'm like, I'm comping your thing. Just leave. And he's got his handby on his back.

Like he's ready to sucker punch somebody. And, you know, at this point, everybody's outside with their phones, recording. It's like, you know, oh, what's going on, you know? And all of a sudden, it comes to the side. And I'm like, what the hell is he holding? is that an axe? What? And I'm just like, boom.

Whoa. He had a hatchet tucked in his waistband? Sure enough, I found out later it was a hatchet, but he had a hatchet on it. So immediately panic settles in. First of all, there's all over like a $12 drink. So I turn around, I'm like, everybody get inside, get inside so I'd close and lock this door. So when I had my back turned, all of a sudden, I just feel something hit me right in the back. No.

And my first instinct's like, tell me he did not just hit me with. that thing. Because at first, you know, the adrenaline and it didn't hurt. Like, it just felt like he punched me. I reached back, feeling around, and all of a sudden, I feel some wet, I turn up and feel like maybe a little shoulder bone. Oh, my hand just completely red.

Oh, my God, this is a fucking psycho. Yeah. You got to be so deranged to hit someone with an axe. That's a step beyond shooting someone. Who the hell? Here's a hatchet. So I immediately just fall to the ground. Big John is, like, freaking out, because he thinks it's his fault. I'm like,

Yeah, kind of is, dude. But anyway, upside point. Put some pressure on my back, dude. Does the guy run? Oh, he was gone, like, in a split second. Well, I'll get to that. So everybody's drunk. Remind you that.

I'm like the sober one there because I'm the only one who's working out at the time. So everybody's drunk. I've got a girl screaming out. Just breathe. Just stay with me. I'm like, get away and call 911. Yeah. What are we doing?

So he's like, what can I get for you? What can I get for you? I'm like, give me a pillow. Like, give me something from my head. Sure enough, the ambulance picks me up. We get to the hospital on record time, and I have like an aisle of people, you know, ready to take care of me. The police officer walks in, try to get some information real quick. And I'm expecting to answer and, you know, fill out a statement, but he goes, hey, we got him.

I'm like, you got them. I was like, how did you get him so fast? So apparently somebody had gotten stabbed five minutes before I did. So they had police out looking for somebody already. And they found this guy running across. They're like, huh, let's go talk to him. Oh, my God. He was on a spree.

Yeah, it was that one with also a hatchet? So I'm not sure. He ended up ditching the hatchet, but he still had the holster attached to his belt. So that's how they knew it was him. But it gets a little lighter. So the doctor there, as he's, you know, looking at the wound, they had to clean it like three times. Did not feel good.

That will wake you up. But where he hit me was kind of funny because I have a couple tattoos on my back, and one of which is a mom tattoo, and he nailed me right on the mom tattoo, so my surgeon's stitching me up. He's like, this is kind of easy. I can line it up. He goes, hey, looks like mom had your back that night.

Six inches to the right. Could have hit me in the back of the head or the spine, half inch deeper, could have hit an artery. So I got super, super lucky. And I'm assuming he hit you at the blade side and not the blunt hammer side of it. Yeah, I sense a picture, Rob.

It was a tactical hatchet. Oh, that's a terrifying hatchet. And okay, now I'm looking at the open wound. Ew, this is not. When I heard hatchet, I imagine like wood and like, you know, like old timey. Yeah, like lumberjackax. Exactly. But this is like a straight up weapon.

It's just a crazy weapon. Yeah, it looks like something you would see in a kung fu movie or something a warlock would carry or one of these crazy militia people. But look at the size of this fucking thing. Oh, fuck. Let's see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Yeah, looks good, doesn't it? Ten stitches.

Oh, it is a deep. And for the listener, it's the full width of your scapula, like your whole shoulder blade. That's about the same size, right? Oh, yeah. Very, very lucky. Mom definitely had my back. Yeah. Well, Kyle, though, I can relate to you because I got hit in the back with a crowbar by a cab driver.

And saying it doesn't hurt at all when it happens. You're just like, you register that something has hit your back and you continue running if you're in my, you were in my situation. Yeah, and then back at the house, you're like, oh, my God, there's a fucking huge egg on my bag on my butt. Yeah. Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a train. The adrenaline was off and the morphine and it was rough.

Did you follow the prosecution of this gentleman? I shouldn't say gentleman, this motherfucker. He said, shit. He ended up only getting five. years. I came to peace with it. It was like he didn't kill me. He had a lot of mental issues going on. So he did his time. But get this, as soon as he gets out, I was like, you know, for craps and giggles, I ended up looking him up. He ended up molesting a minor. It was like 14 or younger. So now he's at a halfway house in Chicago. And it's just like, are you kidding me? He's not back in jail for that?

Dude, it's such a problem. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, we have these stories. strays in our society. Yeah. For it being like the worst thing that could have ever happened in my life, it honestly ended up turning out to be one of the best things in the sense. I mean, I ended up deciding to go to school full time when it was over

because I had nothing else but to think about my life and my life choices, got into the medical field. Here I am with a white coat now. I end up just getting on this reality game show called The Shift. I know, Monica, you're a fan of the Pit. So this show called The Shift,

it's the same concept. It's like 12 hours and every hour is a different competition. So my season comes out October 20th. So definitely check it out on YouTube. I will definitely be watching that. This is exciting. You'd be like, that's the hatchet guy. Last follow-up question.

Your manager had already left, which put you in charge in your 20s. And then you get hatcheted and they take you away. So I'm assuming the bartender was left behind or run the show. Who was at the first? restaurant. On the video, you just see him, he just puts his hands like this, and he's just shaking his head the entire times it's happening. He's got his hands on his head. I ended up talking to me. He quit like a couple weeks after. He was like, that was too much, man. It was too much. I never thought it would happen somewhere like that. I'm like, yeah, I guess. Not for everyone. Wow. That is really wild.

It worked out. Exactly. Yeah, I got great supporters. If you don't mind, I've got two. I would love to say, I would just bring them in. Hi. Hi. I'm his girlfriend. He told me this Hatchet story on our first day. Like it was going to be an impressive story to like attract me. Well, it worked.

Clearly it worked. It's been together. It's been four years. I didn't know him back then. Oh, I love it. And how about our second friend here? What's your name? My name's Bridget.

I'm a sister. Something he failed to mention was my name is also tattooed on his back. Oh, my goodness. But I did not have his back that night. Wow. Real family, man. Yeah, I like this little triumph friend here. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys.

Yeah, thanks for chatting. Thank you so much. It was great to meet you guys. All right, take care. Bye. Woo, hatchet to the back. That's tough. That's a shitty customer if they drive a hatchet in your back.

Have you ever read the book Hatchet? No. I think it's a book from like when you're a kid and it's a boy. And I like, I know the cover. and I also read it. Let's see. Yeah, this, does this ring a bell? No, but it's a pretty cover.

Yes. It's got the old-time hatchet you were thinking of, not the assault hatchet. That's why his plane crashes and then he has to live, you know? And he's just got his trusty hatchet. Yeah, that's right. Grateful they let him bring a hatchet on the airplane. Yeah.

I don't think you can do that anymore. All right. Well, that was wild. Yeah, that was wild. Twisty and Turvy. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? I wonder with a theme song?

Oh. We don't have a thing song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer rhymedish. On the flyer rindish, enjoy.