Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Bartending

Episode Date: November 10, 2023

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a crazy bartending story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Doug Piskings and I'm joined by Flavorous Magooey. Oh, Magooey! Magooey. We, Magooey. Magooey.

We have a good episode. The first one is dicey, but it's not. Listen, we've set the bar so disgustingly high. It's not that. It's not disgusting. There's just an injury. It's not disgusting, yes. It's an injury.

There's an injury that gets kind of graphic. But not in the vagina as past injuries have been. So you're kind of free. Just be careful. Just be careful on the first one, but the rest. And then there's one that's so life-affirming, so sexual between the most unlikely people. It's so great. These are crazy bartending stories, a job that I regret not ever having. Yeah, you would have loved it. I would have. You're right at the epicenter of all the action. Oh, there's everything. People are falling in love.

People are- Breaking up. Breaking up. There's fights. There's proposals. There's business deals. You're right. The whole world's happening at a bar. Oh, God.

That's beautiful. It really is. If you can hang at the bar and there's no problem, it's so good. Keep doing it. Please enjoy Crazy Bartending Stories. Hi, Danielle. Are you a Canadian? I am.

Yes. I feel like Kristen Bell right now. You surprised her with the sloth. You guys are my sloth. Oh, thank you. Where in the great North are you? Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. Are you familiar?

Yes, I am. Edmonton Oilers. That's right. You got that right. Who is your famous oiler? Did Bobby Orr play for the Oilers? Gretzky. Gretzky. Oh, that's big time. Even I know Wayne. That's the biggest of the time. Well, Bobby Orr, he was. I don't know him. Okay. He's the first. But are you a bartender or were you a bartender? I was, yeah, for about a decade. Oh, you don't look old enough to have been a bartender for a decade. Oh, Dax, you don't have to give me compliments.

I'm already your biggest fan. I worked in a restaurant for seven years and I'm a mom and I'm married. So your bartending days are behind you. They are. You know what? Hey, I'm open to it. I would happily go back. The one job, well, not the one, but one of the few jobs I really regret I never had was bartender.

Because to me, it seems so fun. You're constantly at the bar. You both would be so good at it because this is it. But it feels hard because you're balancing a lot at once as a bar. I feel like it's much harder than it looks. You think it gets too hectic. Yeah. I actually found it easier than serving because serving, it's like everything is everywhere. And with bartending, it's like, okay, your people are there. Your drinks are here. Everything you need is right there. So if you know how to multitask, you can do it. You're basically a therapist. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. But also I imagine time goes really quick when you're bartending because it's chaotic.

So it's moving fast. Without drinking, Monica. There you go. You don't need wine. The time will go by fast because it's just that environment if it's a busy place. Okay, so you have a crazy story. I think so. So yeah, this takes place in 2009.

I was working full time at a really busy, popular restaurant and bar. And one of the things that made this particular restaurant really popular is that it had an outdoor patio with a full bar. So I worked out there a lot. At that point, I'd been there for a while. You had to be pretty fast because you're doing everything. Like the servers come up for their drinks for the entire patio and then you've got your wood. That's fancy bar talk for people sitting at the bar. This particular place, it was always packed in the summer. So this story takes place on a really busy Friday night. We finally got a bit of a lull at about 1030 at night.

I took that opportunity to run into the bar cooler. Also, we're wearing high heels and dresses. That was the uniform, which obviously very conducive to being on your feet for eight hours. And sexually harassed by drunk dudes. Yeah. Not ideal, but you got to do what you got to do and you get used to it. So I grabbed seven glass beer bottles because that's what I could efficiently bear hug and then run it back to my patio bar. So it's easy. There's a sliding door. I don't have to touch anything. So I could hold all these beer bottles. And then when you go outside, immediately there's two steps. And since you're outside, things get spilled and people leave them and it's like, whatever, we'll get to it later. So naturally I step in a puddle and I slip. So I drop all of my

beer bottles on the ground and then immediately fall into the broken glass. In a skirt? Yeah. The way I landed, I kind of like landed on my knees. So I wasn't just like legs up or anything like that. So the patio is still full. This is Friday night. Like everybody's there still. Everyone's looking at me horrified. Like, are you okay? So I just pop up.

Like, that's what you do. You just stand up. I'm fine. Everything's fine. But immediately I knew something was wrong because my hand just hurts so bad. Like you've got so many nerves in it. So immediately I was like, it's just excruciating. So I'm like, okay, I've got a deal.

I'm just going to go inside, go right back to where I came from and go to the first aid kit and get some band-aids because my hand is cut, obviously. So I walk inside and I'm kind of going as fast as I can. And I look and in the dining room inside, all these people are also looking at me like they're horrified. Did they see me fall out the window? Like there's no way. And I'm holding my hand. I'm like, why? Okay, this is weird. So I just keep going and I go to the first aid kit. And one of my friends who was in nursing school and she's normally like really bubbly. She's just white as a ghost. She goes into first responder mode. She's like, can I give you first aid?

And I'm holding my hand. I'm like, okay. Thinking like, what are you going to do? I'm just going to put a bandaid on my hand. She takes a bunch of clean towels. I don't know where she got them. And she squeezes my leg. It was only at this point that I realized my leg is bleeding. So she goes into rescue mode here and I feel like I'm going to faint because the pressure. So it turns out

that when I fell, I actually sliced my leg all the way open. I left like shin and I didn't know because my hand hurt so bad. You were distracted by your hand. And I was embarrassed because all these people are staring at me. Monica would have been crying, but not from the pain, from the embarrassment. But I felt like I was on stage. So immediately you just get off and you leave and you go to the back and lick your wounds. It was crazy.

So some kitchen guy that I didn't know graciously drove me to the closest emergency room where I waited in my little black dress and high heels for several hours until I got stitched up. So I ended up with 27 stitches. 27. So I had a total of 22 in my leg and five in my hand, which is still what hurt the most. It was really awkward because I couldn't really do anything. But when I did go back to work, one of my colleagues told me that he saw me walking through the dining room. And the reason, Monica, plug your ears. You're not going to like this.

The reason everyone was staring at me is because as I was walking, the blood from my leg was going into my shoes and it was like gushing out the sides. Like a chocolate fountain? Ew. Not very appetizing. Oh my God. Danielle, was any part of you grateful that you got to miss the cleanup since you had to go to the emergency room? Very much. And, you know, the first thing I thought was, I'm going to have to pay for all the beers I smashed.

Oh, my God. Right, right, right. The owner's thinking like, oh, fuck, we're getting sued for $100,000. And you think you've got to reimburse them for $23. I know. How quickly were you back on the job? Bartending. It was 10 days. I was three days later, I was doing manager stuff, which I had never done before, but just so that I could do something and not be doing manual labor, basically

with the stitches. Did the owner send you flowers or chocolate or anything to say? No, they did tell me I didn't have to wear high heels anymore. Oh, I think that lasted a week. And then I just decided to wear them again because everyone else gave me a hard time. They're like, oh, you don't have to wear high heels. But everybody else, I'm like, you know what? It's just easier to wear the high heels.

It's fine. Oh, wow. They should have probably made that a policy for everyone. Maybe we don't wear high heels. Yeah, well, I think now it's actually the law that they can't do that. Maybe we don't wear high heels. Yeah. Well, I think now it's actually the law that they can't do that. Okay. Good, good, good. Did you meet your current husband while bartending? I did. Tell us, was he a customer or a coworker? He was a coworker. He worked in the kitchen and then he did leave for a bit and I ran into him later. Yeah. So that's why

I don't regret anything because not working there would have changed the whole trajectory of my life. But that's actually very common. Like several of the girls that I worked with met their husbands that way, either from serving them or working with them. And did you love the lifestyle? It's a very fast lifestyle. And I like that. At first I did. It's difficult when you have friends who have kind of the nine to five because it's the opposite. So unless you're really into that bar scene, which, you know, that only lasts for so long and we start drinking here at 18. So you kind of get that bar star thing out of your system right away. So by the time you're in your early twenties, you're like ready to move on or

some of us are. Either commit fully or back off. That's the inflection point. Was not ready to have that be my life. So I did like the lifestyle and it was really good for being in school. And you make good money too, right? It was really good money. Yeah. Like what would you make in a night, like a Saturday night bartending? A few hundred bucks? Those Friday night patio shifts, sometimes I would make like $500. Wow, that's great. Yes, how else are you going to do that? You'd have to work 10 hours at $50 an hour. Who's hiring for $50 an hour? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So I'd say on average, you'd probably make about $200. So it's really hard. You get sucked into that. It's like stripping. A couple of girls I went to high school with were stripping in Santa Barbara.

Yeah. And they were making like $2,000 a night. For both of those things, you age out. But when are you going to bring Ted Seeger's up here? How do we get our hands on those? Because that wouldn't cut me. It's a can. That's right.

It would be very hard for you. You'd have to fall off of a building for the can to break open in a way. We're going to grow as fast as we can. but of course we cannot wait to be in Canada because it's a Detroit company and we're right across the bridge. So that is very much a name. Awesome. Yeah. Danielle, so nice meeting you.

I'm glad you survived this brush with death at the hands of seven broken beer bottles. Thank you so much for telling us that story. So nice to meet you. Take care, guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Hello. Hi. Take care, guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. Hello.

Hi. I love your hair. It reminds me of the one I used, which was Revlon Outrageous Cherry. What's the color? Intense red. I wish I had a cooler name. No, it's an electric name. Okay, so Maddie, you were a bartender.

Yeah, in Magna, Utah, which is a super small town. And bars are interesting there, right? Because you only have like 3-2 beer and you got to have a membership to drink hard alcohol and all that. It is 3-2 beer now. When I was serving, it was 2-7. What does this mean? Yeah, I might have messed that up. The alcohol percentage in the beer was only 2.7%.

The standard is like 3-2. Oh, okay. So I said the standard. All right. Ours was like much lower and they only made it for like Utah and Oklahoma. So Utah liquor laws are really strict. We have the lower percentage beer and we also had, you can't have more than an ounce and a half of the same liquor in front of you at once.

Oh, wow. So you can't order a double? No. Wow. Okay. So you're bartending, but kind of. Are people getting fucked up anyways? They figure out how to to drink more, right?

Oh, yeah. They just drink more and they bar hop. And that's the thing with Magna. This bar was on a historic main street. There are four bars all within five minutes walking distance of each other. So you just bar hop and bartenders don't know. I have tons of stories, but this night I had just gotten on shift. It was about six o'clock cashing in my till. And like I said, Magna's really small. So I know everybody. So when new people walk in, we're always a little bit leery. These two guys walk in, never seen them before. Very clearly intoxicated, barely walking straight. I just started my shift. I don't want to start fighting with people.

So I tell them, hey guys, I'm happy if you want to hang out. I'm not going to serve you anything, but I'll make you some coffee. I'll get you some soda, water. I don't want them driving. And they were like, OK, we'll have some water. One of the two guys, he takes his water, chugs it and is like, hey, I'm ready. Give me a beer. OK, he just thought he needed one water and he'd be good to go.

Yeah. I'm like, that's not how it works. I'm not going to serve you at all. Yeah. He immediately was pissed. I'm like, really? We're going to go to zero to 100. Cool.

All right. That's fine. You can leave. I don't need you here. They're like kind of yelling, but they willingly get up and leave. Oh, good. They walk down the street. And so in my head, I'm like, they're going to go to the next bar.

Yeah. So just to be nice, I text the bartender just down the way a little bit and say, Hey, these two guys are probably going to come in. Do not serve them. Probably about 20 minutes goes by and I get a text back from her saying, Oh shit, I served them. And I get why I shouldn't have. I think they're coming back to you. Oh boy., quickly, who's on staff at the bar you're at? Just me. There's no big boys there? No.

At this point, we only have door guys on the weekends. And this was like a Tuesday or Wednesday night. Oh, boy. So I'm completely by myself. And I'm like 27, 140 pounds. I'm 5'10", so I'm a little intimidating, but not much. There were quite a few of my motorcycle guys there hanging out. Oh, good.

So I got a little safer. Anyway, they do come back and start demanding alcohol. I'm done. I'm fed up. So I start screaming at them. I am not going to serve you. Get out. Just go home.

I'll call you a cab. So then they start screaming at me, telling me I'm a bitch and all the words. So at this point, my motorcycle dudes kind of stand up and start looking a little intimidating and pushing them out. Side note, one guy was like six foot, 180 pounds soaking wet. The other one, six, five, 300 pounds. There we go. Wait, of the motorcycle boys or the drunk? Oh, no, the drunk boys. Oh, that's not what we want. I wanted the motorcycle guys to be that size. Yeah.

Okay. They're pretty burly guys, but they weren't anything on this guy. But, you know, there are more of them. So they're herding them out for me. And they're still screaming and they're wanting to fight these motorcycle guys. And as they get to the door, the bigger guy looks me dead in the eyes and says, I'm going to get my gun. You're dead, bitch. No. And I'm just like, Oh my God. What do you do? I immediately go call the cops and my bar, the whole front of the bar facing the street is windows, floor to ceiling. So we've

got a perfect view of what these guys are doing. We get them out and then they walk across the street to the parking lot. The bigger guy gets in the car and then the little guy tries to get in and can't open any of the doors. And so we're kind of watching like what's going on. Turned into a cartoon a little bit. Yeah. And he starts like rolling around his front seat. He can't get out.

What? He's locked himself inside of his car. What? How can that be? I have no idea, but we're just all laughing at him. Like, you are so stupid and drunk. So I'm telling dispatch, this is what's going on. I'm actually worried he's going to drive off at this point and hurt himself or somebody

else. Of course. So I kind of turn my back to the windows to talk to the patrons also while I'm on hold with dispatch. And then suddenly we hear a loud bang and the glass right next to me shatters. No. It took me a whole 10 seconds of shock to be like, he just shot at me. Oh, my God.

From his car? Yeah, just right across the street. He's out of the car now and he has a gun. Oh, my goodness. Well, I didn't see him have a gun. He's just like huffing and puffing. Okay. Devil in his eyes. I don't see him have a gun. He's just like huffing and puffing. Okay. Devil in his eyes.

I don't know where his friend went. Within this 10 seconds of me realizing what's happening and seeing the glass all over the floor, I scream at all my patrons to get back to the back of the bar, get down. I hurry and lock the door. Luckily, the cops showed up. They were super quick on scene, got him arrested. And then the owner showed up to like go over the surveillance cameras and to see what happened. It turned out he picked up a two by four and chucked it out the window.

Oh my Lord. They found it. They found like a big nail sticking out of it. So the nail must have just barely hit the window in such a perfect spot, but it sounded exactly like a gun. Yeah. I'm sure when that glass broke, it was like a gunshot. Oh my God. And that was a triple pane window. We're used to gunshots in Magna. Oh. So we've got windows to protect us from that stuff. But the owner submitted a lawsuit. He didn't respond.

Were you asked to go to the police station and identify him or any of that stuff or come do a trial? Yeah. So I was asked to come do a trial and I had to give my perspective of what happened. But he didn't respond to the lawsuit from the owners. So one of the owners had experience on Judge Judy. So he just submitted it over to Judge Judy. What?

No. Wait, what? What? He's like, maybe they'll pick up our case. I think no matter what, the show pays out the lawsuit. Right. Yeah. That's my understanding.

Yeah. So he figured we'll get our money one way or the other right now but he still didn't respond to that either they picked up the case they're like let's fly y'all out to LA but I think that was the kick in the pants for him of oh I probably need to do something about this take accountability anyway we did see him in small claims court in Salt Lake. I sat across from him and he wouldn't look me in the eyes. His wife just sat there like rubbing his back and talked for him basically the whole time. Oh, boy. As I start recounting the story of what happened, my experience, he starts sobbing.

And afterwards, he was just like, I'm so sorry. I have zero memory. I feel like I've never seen you before. I can't believe that I would scare you like that. And at this point, I'm like six months pregnant too. Oh my God. That's a huge piece of the story. Yeah. Wow. I guess I was very newly pregnant when this happened. So by the time we got to court, I was like six months pregnant. Oh God. That's why that's why he didn't remember you because now you were pregnant. He's like, you know. He's like, I knew there was this one girl.

I didn't know there was a pregnant girl. No, I never fucked with any pregnant ladies. I have morals. I only throw two by fours at non-pregnant women. Oh, wow. Man, you know, wow, what an end because, well, I hate this guy hearing this story. He scared everybody to death. It's terrifying.

Could have killed him. And then another part of me that's read a lot of books about trauma goes like well that guy was certainly dealing with some shit clearly he's an addict obviously yeah i hope he got some help did he get sentenced to any jail time or no no i think he did spend one night in jail until his wife could bail him but that was it and i bet some folks there in court were going, Zane, this is why we do 2.7. Imagine what would happen if we were doing 3.2 beer. Oh my God. But I wonder what happened to the skinny guy.

He got the fuck out of there. He's like, this guy's loco. Maybe he went in the car and got locked in the trunk. Oh, he found his way into the trunk. They were having all these problems with the car getting in and out. How much longer did you tend bar there? About another year and a half. In a violent little strip of land there where fights common? Oh yeah. My first night there,

I watched somebody just get jumped from behind and beaten to almost death. He was almost dead. People were murdered back there in the vicinity, not in my bar, but I've had knives, guns, all the things pointed at me. I want to go there now. I really do. I want to go. Why? What are you going to do? I don't know what it is.

In your fantasy, what's going to happen? I just, I remember being around that so much that some part of me goes like, oh yeah, that's where everything's happened. I want to go. I need to see everything. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Okay. You know, arousal. They do karaoke every night.

Just go do karaoke and see what happens. Just see what goes down. Well, I'm glad you're safe. Yes. No kidding. How scary, Maddie. Yeah, it was. And I think about it a lot, but I'm pregnant with my fourth now, so we're good.

Oh, wow. Fourth. You're cranking them out. Was that the first? It was my second. Oh, my gosh. Well, congratulations. Yes.

Thank you. Yeah, that's a lot of little ones. And thanks for sharing. Well, congratulations. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, that's a lot of little ones. And thanks for sharing. Well, thank you guys. I appreciate it. My sister made me do it because she loves you guys. She's an addict herself, and your vulnerability helped her through so much. Oh.

What's her name? Lauren. Lauren, we love you. Thanks for listening. Thank you, guys. I appreciate you. All right. Bye.

Bye-bye. Take care. Bye, guys. I just saw your stupid hands start to wave. It's not a stupid hand. It's a regular hand. Bye. Bye.

That's good. We always get so zany by the seven and eight. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water you were made to follow your whims we were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and of course a great shower Expedia made to travel Hello.

Hi. Oh my God, are you in a TV? What are you in? Pretty much, basically. I live in the Northeast and we don't really have closets, so I've kind of constructed. Thank you for making that. I did this contraption with a blanket behind me and over me and back around. Oh my God.

Well, you sound dynamite. Exactly. It worked. Yeah? Okay, cool. Well, you sound dynamite. Exactly. It worked. Yeah. Okay, cool. Where are you in the East Coast? Right now I'm in Pennsylvania. Big state, lots of cities. Which one? Lancaster. I don't know. You're saying that with- Some hesitation. Yeah. Some shame. David actually did a flightless bird on it because this is where all the Amish are. Oh, yes. Wonderful. You see a lot of horse and buggies? Oh my God, everywhere. Wow. But I've only been here for a year. I moved here from Austin. Oh my God. That's a radical change. What brought you there? A lover? No graduate school. Graduate school. That makes sense.

What are you getting your graduate degree in? Clinical psychology. Oh, you're a pervert. It's actually thanks to you guys a little bit. Oh, really? I was bartending for forever and managing. And I actually had like a really serious injury and I was laid up for a while. I broke my leg in a bunch of places. Oh, no. There's no cool story behind it.

And I started listening to you guys. And you had so many social scientists. And I was thinking of going back to school and was listening to you guys. And it kind of sealed the deal for me. Oh, wow. Had you gone to UT? No, I didn't. I actually grew up in New Jersey. I went to school in Rochester, New York, then moved down to Texas. I like moving. So were you a bartender in Austin? Yes, I was. And is that where your crazy story takes place? It is. I wish it had taken place with the Amish. Absolutely. Like Rumspringa story. Yeah. But it's okay.

All right, let's hear it. Yeah. So I was working in downtown Austin, Texas at the time. We were like right on the outskirts of the very downtown area. At the time, I was managing also. So on Wednesdays, I started to notice that this elderly couple was coming in. They'd been coming in for like three months at the time. They'd come in and the husband would be lying to the bar.

The wife would go and get their table. It was the table directly in front of the entrance. And then to the right, it was directly in front of the main well of the bar. So we're employees always making drinks. It was the busiest spot in the bar. So this was like the highest traffic area. That sounds like the worst table for me. So that would be uncommon that anyone would want that table.

Absolutely the worst table in the house. Yep. But every time they sat there and they would always face the bar, which was kind of weird and they wouldn't like watch TV or anything. They would just be facing us directly. So the husband would come to the bar. He'd ordered them the same drinks every time he'd get them one round. He wasn't friendly and we were super friendly staff. So that was always kind of weird for us, but he would go sit down. The couple wouldn't talk to each other the whole time. And then at some point, the wife would get up and go to the bathroom for a really long time.

Like a really long time. The first time it happened, I was like, is she okay? And kind of went in the bathroom, make sure everything was good. So that was kind of on my radar. They would get another round and then they wouldn't drink their drinks at all.

They would just close the tab and leave. What? So they come in this one Wednesday. We're uncharacteristically slow. Normally Wednesdays, we had like a really good regular crowd. So that spot in the bar would always be full of people. This one, I feel like it was raining or something was going on in town where nobody was sitting at the bar top. So, you know, same drill, they came in. So a little bit later, I'm making a drink at the first well and I look up and first I see the wife has her eyes closed. She's kind of like leaned back and I was like, she's sleeping. And I look at the husband and I noticed like his arm is just like pumping under the table. He's stimulating

her. It took me a minute to process what was happening, but like it was really aggressive. Wait, how old are they? I know you said old, but like, was really aggressive wait how old are they i know you said old but like what would you say 40 i'm saying 75 to be kind okay and he is jackrabbit in that wow he still has the strength and the dexterity she still has the appetite what a couple honestly it's impressive like afterwards we've talked about it we're like that's great for them keeping it alive you know yeah so it takes me a minute to figure out what's going on and when i do it clicks i'm like oh my god my jaw drops i make direct eye contact with my door guy who's just noticed the same thing both of us at the same

time we're like oh shit oh my god he's only like five feet away from this table too so i sprint over to him and i was like okay i need you need you to kick them out. Obviously. Like, are you going to let her finish? This is the question. Yeah. Damage is done. Let her finish and then we'll get them out of here. Exactly. You know, it's an exhibitionism thing during that main part.

We actually had part of the bar that had couches hidden. They could have done this with nobody seeing them, nobody interrupting. That wouldn't have got her off. The whole place for us to see them. Yes. Yes. Kinky. Oh.

So he's like, I'm not doing it. I'm not going up and saying that oh oh wow what a doorman i know so actually i'd worked with him for a really long time this is the only time he ever said no so it's like man like if you say no he's really not doing it this is definitely 100 on me now oh i was like all right do i do it now or do i wait? Until she lights up her cigarette. Right? I can't walk up in the middle of this. There's no way I could pull that off. I'm too embarrassed. Like, I just cannot do it.

We're going to let her finish. Is it audible? It's not, actually. They're very quiet. It's more like the facial expressions and the arm movements. But it's still not subtle. One more question. Is she in a dress or is he down some denim? I think it was a skirt she was wearing. Oh, perfect. Okay. 80 year old.

You know, we also realized that this couple had been doing this for three months. Oh, that's what you're putting together. Like they've been doing this for three months and we just, one of the other regulars was like, oh yeah, like they do that every week. And I i was like i've just never seen it because there's always people sitting here this has been a weekly thing for three months oh my god what horn dogs at first i was like all right good for them and i was like all right now i'm getting kind of annoyed they've been doing this i don't know who's seen this now we're all talking about it i'm like nobody look at them like that's what they want also it now explains why it's empty on this Wednesday. People are like, don't go in there Wednesday. There's old timers, finger blasts.

What is she doing in the bathroom? Like, cleaning up? Yeah, probably sorting out her. Oh, my God. Or finishing herself. Getting into her purse and pulling out the jackrabbit. That's all right. This is so fun.

Horny seniors. We just so fun. Horny scene. We just won't. Like, you know what makes it safe is like they're so old. No, it's great. I just want to hear more. Oh, okay. Okay. I tell the bartenders and now they're telling regulars.

So everybody in the bar is involved in this too, which feels like weirdly participatory. Now 20 people are waiting for this woman to come and it's so awkward. So finally she finishes and it's also very obvious. There's no noise, luckily, but the jaw drop and she throws her head back. Oh, it's a great one. It's very performative. Yes, this must be it. And she gets up and she goes to the bathroom, which explains all of that. Like she's cleaning herself up, maybe finishing herself off. In your sink. She cleans all of that. Like she's cleaning herself up, maybe finishing herself off. In your sink.

Oh, in the sink. Ew. Hand dryer. I feel ageist. You do? It's like a good side of ageist. I personally feel ageist because I just think it's grosser. Oh.

That it's an older person. I mean, it is. To think of her in the bathroom cleaning up. Well, hold on. No, it's two things. In some ways, it's grosser. And then in other ways, it's to think of her in the bathroom cleaning up. Well, hold on. No, it's two things. In some ways, it's grosser. And then in other ways, it's more life-affirming. Yeah, that's your positive side.

I'm saying I feel ageist because I don't. I think the bathroom cleanup is— Is low-rank. Yeah. Okay. Okay, that's fair. I felt weirdly ageist writing this in. But then I think about it's like the exhibitionism is really more of the issue than the age thing.

Let's stay focused. Yeah. So I'm like, okay, she's in the bathroom. This is my shot. They hadn't gotten their second round. They hadn't closed out. It's like, okay, great. This is an easy way for me to go over and talk to this guy.

Close this tab. I'm so nervous. I'm like pumping myself up. Also, I'm like a four foot 11 girl in Texas. This is an old Texas guy. I'm not to get yelled at. I'm 100% certain of it. So I started walking over like, all right, here we go. Put the tab on the table. And I was like, sir, I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave. And I'm going to have to ask you not to come back to this bar. And he looks at me like shocked. And he's like, why? And I wasn't

really expecting that response. So I just kind of stared at him for a while and was like, please, sir, don't make me say it. I can't. He was like, fair enough. Tipped us 25%. They left and never came back. Wow. So in the end, he kind of was a gentleman. That's what the wife would say. Yeah. Well, truly. I want to know more about her Wednesdays before they go to the bar. Is she titillated all day long that they're going? And follow up, do we think this was a once a week thing? Or do you think they had bars all over the city that he was jerking her off in? My bet is they would find a home bar and would probably do it as long as they could until they got kicked out. And then they'd move on to another place.

Because they were coming to us every Wednesday for a while. Oh, wow. Do you think they've been place. Because they were coming to us every Wednesday for a while. Oh, wow. Do you think they've been doing this since they were 30 or 20? Like, do you think they've been doing this for 70 years together? It's probably why they're still together. Wow. I'm envious of the whole situation, to be honest. We all came to that as well.

Yes. And I would say it's almost anti-ageist. If anything, they're benefiting from their age. Because if it were a couple in their 20s, it would feel a bit predatorial. You'd be nervous about them, no? Oh, yeah, probably, yeah. There's something that would just go from kinky

to like, I don't know. Yeah, I know what you mean. Yeah, this is like playful, grandma and grampy. But ew. But ew. No one ever observed him getting service. Now that you found out all these people had seen that many times it's crazy to me people had seen it and not told you and not said anything i know yes i know i think everybody enjoyed it a little bit like everybody thought it was funny and it

was like oh that's the quirk of this bar like it was a very quirky bar so i feel like a lot of people were like okay cool i'd love to see that for sure what's worse that i wanted to go to the violent bar town or that i want to see the old time both are bad okay okay both are bad but you would pick for me to be a part of this one because i wouldn't get hurt yeah i don't want you in an unsafe environment i guess you're making me choose yes i'll let you go to this bar okay great, great. Well, Sabrina, that was a banger of a story. Yeah, just awesome. Thank you. Yeah, really appreciate it.

Thank you for sharing that. Wow. I'll be thinking about that one for a bit. Yeah, I'm going to be thinking about that tonight. Oh, God, ew. Thanks. So great meeting you guys. Okay, good luck with grad school.

Bye, thank you. She's an 80-year-old nympho. It's so exciting. It is very fascinating. It is. Tom, can you hear us? Yeah, we can. Oh, wonderful.

You said we. Is there more than one of you there? I gave myself up already. My fiance's here. You blew up your spot. I did. Are you watching the Beckham documentary? I haven't seen it yet. Oh, you need to see it because your hair is looking very Beckham right now. And your spot. I did. Are you watching the Beckham documentary? I haven't seen it yet.

Oh, you need to see it because your hair is looking very Beckham right now. And your sweater. Actually, it's in the Northeast here. It's actually nice today. So we got to wear a t-shirt. We blew that one. I maintain that your hair does look like Beckham's currently. Well, and I'm a soccer player, so that works.

Oh, wonderful. Okay, where are you at in the Northeast? Boston, just outside the city. Oh, I got you. I got you. Okay, so you were or are a bartender? I was, yes. What year was this?

This was, let's see, 13 years ago. So fast math. Okay, 10, 2010. Yeah, that was easy. Yeah, 2010. We got lucky. I'll make it harder for you coming up, okay? Okay, please do.

I like a challenge. And you're bartending in Boston? Because that's a rowdy place to bartend, I think. I have bartended in Boston, but at this point, I was bartending in Southern New England. I'm keeping things vague for a reason. Oh, great. Because there's some legal stuff. Okay, great.

Tell us what happened. A little bit of background. I'm bartending one night a week at this dive bar. The owner had known me for a while. It's in a place where there's a bunch of bars, a little beach community, and he wanted me to come work for him. And eventually, I was like, okay, but if I could have Monday night, which is the bartender's Saturday night, I wanted all service industries so that they tip very well. It's a fun group.

Smart. Okay. That's clever. Yeah. And this comes into play later as well. So I was able to get that and able to build it up as the service industry place to go on a Monday night. And then one night, it's just regular night and a couple walks in. She's in her early 20s. He's mid-20s. They order beers. And something just seems off with her. With her. Correct. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Not alarming, just off. And then they ordered another round. But then he gets up to go to the bathroom. And I go over to her. And I'm just like,

hey, is everything okay? And she just looks at me scared and was just like, no, everything's not okay. I'm on a blind date. I don't know him. And I don't know where I am. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. She's been roofing all. No, she wasn't roofied.

I asked her, I was like, where are you from? And she told me she's like an hour away. I was like, so he drove you an hour and didn't tell you where you were going on a blind date? And she was like, yes. Oh, boy. So she's scared. Yes. Oh, boy.

Wow. Good spidey senses. Yeah, really good job, Tom. Yeah. Any bartender is going to do the same thing. I have to believe. I hope. That's very optimistic, but I'll take your word for it.

Most of the bartenders I know would pick up on that. Yeah. So anyways, I'm like, all right, just stay there. barter's I know would pick up on that. Yeah. So anyways, I'm like, all right, just stay there. No matter what happens, just stay in your seat. I'm going to confront somebody who comes out of the bathroom. We'll take care of this. And we'll make sure that you get home because you do live very far away.

Yeah. The bar, again, is full of all service industry people. So we're all going to make sure that she gets home. The guy comes out and I'm like, hey, not a big deal. Just pay your tab and it's time to go. And he's like, oh no, my date's over there. And I'm like, yeah. So that's the thing. That's over.

That's what this is about, actually, is why you got to leave. I didn't just randomly pick you out. So then he's like, well, no. And then he starts getting really rough. Like he's ready to fight. And Dax, I know you like tall guys. I'm six foot five. Oh, wow.

Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. This guy was taller than me and had. I'm six foot five. Oh, wow. Congratulations. Thank you. Yeah. This guy was taller than me and had at least 100 pounds on me. Oh, my God. Would he play for the Patriots? Maybe. So when he started getting in confrontation, I was like, you know what?

Don't worry about the tap. Let's just go. At which point, one of my good friends at the time was a bouncer there, just not on duty. So he came over and he had my back and we kind of got him out to his car. We thought this was going to be it. Worst comes to worst. he didn't pay a tap. Like not a big deal.

Right. And then we get him into the car. He closes the door, tries to open it again, yelling profanity. He's ready to fight us. We could tell. So I pinned the door shut with my leg. I was like, just go, just go, just go. So then he starts driving away and about a hundred feet up from our bar,

he just comes to a screeching halt. And that's when we knew like, oh no, this is not going to be good. There was two girls that were local bartenders smoking outside. And as the car's pulling around, I just look at them and I'm like, hey, go get everybody and call the cops. So they went inside, got everybody presumably, but this guy is screeching back towards us. He stops in front of us and he reaches into the back of his car. Oh, great. And he pulls out a baseball bat.

Oh. Okay. Only slightly preferable to a gun. Gun, yeah. Dax and Monica, I've never been so happy to find out that a guy is pulling a baseball bat. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I was like, it's not a gun.

All right, all right. We can maybe deal with this, but a gun, we can't. Right, right. He starts charging deal with this, but a gun, we can't. Right, right. He starts charging us. And when he gets close, my focus is on that bat. Like, if I get that bat, my buddy here can take care of the rest. He either holds on to the bat and has one hand or he lets it go. I can get rid of the bat and he's got two of us.

So I'm standing at the bat, standing at the bat, and he hits me in the Adam's apple. Oh! Oh, he punched you. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Dax, you can please back me up on this. When you get hit normally in a fight, you don't feel it at the time.

Yeah, not at all. Your adrenaline's pumping. I can tell you, you feel it right away when someone hits you in the Adam's apple. Good tip. Good to know. Wow, wow. Did you feel like you couldn't breathe right away? I don't remember that.

I just remember it being the only time I've ever been hit where I actually felt pain right away. Oh, interesting. And maybe someone can write in. We'll have an Adam's Apple episode. Crazy Adam Apple story. So I grabbed the bat and then when I turned around, I realized my buddy, the bouncer,

he ran back inside. Oh, he left. Uh-oh. Oh, Jesus Christ. He had to take a squirt or he didn't want to be involved with this guy? I think he just saw the bat and just wasn't having it. I don't know.

I just knew that this guy could not get back into that girl. But luckily, a lot of guys did run out. The girls did go in and tell them like, hey, go outside. I need help. And then my roommate at the time, he's the first one to get there to start hitting him as I'm still holding the bat. So I did get the bat. We'll just jump forward to the point where he wants to get away from us. We get

him into the car. He drives away. The cops get there very quickly, by the way. And one of the cops looked down, saw his shoes, his glasses, which were all broken and the bat on the ground. And he was just like, man, you guys really fucked this kid up, huh? Sounds so New England, the story. It does. It really does. It's very good while hunting. It is. It is.

It is. It could be a Detroit story, too. Yeah, it's good. I was going to say, that's got to be interchangeable. Yes, yes. I think so. So the cops go, okay, you guys really fucked this guy up. We're not going to say good job, but good job.

Yeah, exactly. So he drove towards the nearest bridge, which was the only way out on that side. The cops got there. They got him. Oh, wonderful. So we still have this girl who's at the only way out on that side. The cops got there. They got him. Oh, wonderful. So we still have this girl who's at the bar. She has no phone. She has no money.

She lives an hour away. And we can't even get a cab to come get her because no cab services area. So finally, the cops get a cab to come out because we're talking 2010 here. There's no Uber or anything. And the whole bar gets together, puts in five, 10 bucks each. And we pay for her whole cab, right? She's off. She's safe. Good job, boys. And then I hadn gets together, puts in five, 10 bucks each and we pay for her whole cab ride. She's off. She's safe. Good job boys. And then I hadn't heard anything for about a month. Then all of a sudden like late one night, like two 30, I had sent everyone's home.

I hear the door open. So one of the other guys must've left the door open. And I'm like, shit, I have a ton of money here. Like what am I going to do? Yeah. It's a uniformed police officer. So I'm like, cool. And he's like, Oh, are you so-and-so? And he used my full name. And I was like, yeah, what's going on? And he goes, oh, you're under arrest. So my heart's like going a mile a minute. I'm like ready to get cuffed. And he goes, no, I'm just messing with you, man. Oh my God. Oh my God, Boston. What the hell? I was like, that's not funny. That's not funny at all. It is to him and his buddies. And he goes, yeah, but I had you. And I was like, yeah, yeah,. That's not funny at all. It is to him and his buddies. And he goes, yeah, but I had you. And I was like, yeah, yeah, you did.

And he goes, no, but I'm just kidding. You are subpoenaed. Oh, okay. We can live with that. So then I end up going to court. I find out that this guy already has assault charges. So he's already on trial from an assault in a different state. I actually didn't have to testify.

He took a plea deal for three years. Oh, no kidding. I'm guessing his other trial was pretty bad. Thank God she escaped. We never did find out what his intentions were. No, we don't know. I mean, I got to imagine they weren't great, but what exactly were they? Yeah, I don't know. I've thought about that too. He seemed like a nice guy before he flipped. You know what I mean? Right. But obviously she was getting not good vibes. So I don't know what happened there or it was the hour long car ride. What kind of car was he driving? It was silver, probably like a Nissan Sentra or something like that. Like a small compact. Okay. Six, five and a compact. No, he was more than six, five. He's six, five. Right, right,

right. Yeah. I don't know how he fit in there, but it was some sort of small compact that was old even at the time. Oh, my gosh. Well, Tom, what an incredible story. That's kind of my dream story. You know, I have this complex about being a sheriff and a savior. You really rose to the occasion. I hope you feel great about it. Yeah, I'm older now, so I'm like, what the hell was I thinking?

That's the time, though. You got to get those over with, and then you shift gears into safety mode. Yeah, if you feel in danger at all, always go the bartender yeah okay i like this they'll help you out they're the ones who are going to know exactly what to do they know what the bounces are they know everything yeah they've seen all the shit so who's with you in the room we got to say hi to them oh hello who's this i'm carly so nice to meet you hi carly i have such an affinity for that name i know it's a good one right yeah car Yeah. Carly Simon, my little sister. Me now.

You got a real tall son of a bitch on your arm here, don't you? I did good. I'm 5'10 myself. I hope you have an MBA center. I know, right? Pay for that college. Well, we love Tom. He's so cute. Yes, that was a great story. Very heroic. Now, I'm like, can we just not fight people in general? Can we not get into these situations to begin with?

That's fair. Keep talking me up. It's great. That's very fair for you to ask at this point. Well, it's so nice meeting both of you. So nice to meet you. We absolutely love your podcast. We have like nothing in common in terms of content that we like to take in.

He likes to watch World War II documentaries. I'm a reality TV person. So this is like our common ground. I'm delighted that's the case. And I too love a good World War II doc. And I like some good old reality TV. You love a bachelor. Oh, yeah.

Well, Carly, so nice meeting you. Tell Tom that we really enjoyed meeting him. So nice to meet you guys. Thanks so much. All right. Bye. What a story. Bartenders, they're in the fray. It's adjacent to me wanting to work at 7-Eleven.

Yeah, it has that vibe. I mean, it's probably too late for me to become a bartender, but maybe in my retirement. All right. Well, boy, that was great. I thought it would be because of bartenders. Yeah. Sabrina. Wow. Oh, yeah.

Sabrina story. Yeah. The old timers. Don't yeah. Sabrina story. Yeah. The old timers. Don't forget. I won't forget. Don't forget because Tom tainted your palette a little bit because it was violent. Yeah. And scary.

But go back to the retirees. Okay. You're good. Right where you're at. Yeah, I'm great. I'm good. All right. Bye.

Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? I want to have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions

And with the help of our cherries We'll get some suggestions On the Flyer Rhyme Dish On the Flyer Rhyme Dish Enjoy