Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Cheated

Episode Date: March 8, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a time they cheated. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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cream oat matcha tea latte includes dairy. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. This is a dicey prompt. Tell us about a time you cheated. Mm-mm-mm. Oh my lord. It is a dicey prompt. Tell us about a time you cheated. Oh my Lord. It's not what you think. It's not what we thought it was gonna be. I thought it was gonna be a bunch of affairs of the heart. Yes, but we did make clear,

don't make it just affairs of the heart. We want a wide range. Open it up, open it up. There's nothing gross in this one. I think you can eat through all of it. I think so. Boy, we just don't know, but I this one. I think you can eat through all of it. I think so. Boy, we just don't know, but I'm not, 80% positive you can eat.

Pretty sure. So risk it. Prepare our meal and enjoy cheated. All times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both. Remember one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep them shiny.

I have a really important PSA for the arm cherries. Before we jump into this. Love PSAs. This is real. This is serious. Oh wow, okay. Can never tell from the phone. Well, it is relevant to armchair anonymous.

Okay, so my friend, Britt, you've met her, she's a wonderful Britt Deion. She texted me today that multiple people sent her the scams episode of Armchair Anonymous because a couple days ago, her and her boyfriend were going to Mexico and someone called her parents and said, we have your daughter,

we've kidnapped her in Mexico. And they used AI to make her voice. Oh my Lord, for real? Yeah, and the mom. Does this happen to Britt? Yes, and the mom was like, it was your voice. Oh my gosh. Isn't that horrifying?

So yeah, you know what's crazy? People are just going to have to assume that no one's ever been kidnapped. You can't take one serious She was like now we have a safe word and so then I immediately texted my parents and I said okay if this happens Oh, honey, or any of us do you think though that you say under the stress and pressure of the sitch You would forget the safe word. No, I know it well. Tell us your safe words But also she did say our safe words should be this and I said we can't write it

So we made a new one, but you said it on the phone to each other. No, it'd be like if I said It's gonna be Kristen's middle name. Okay, great. Okay. Yeah Well and it's not that's not the It's not the safe word honestly tell your families about this because this is bad Also, just hang up and call your child and see if they answer and they're safe. Well they were flying. Oh they were flying. Well how do you get kidnapped when you're flying? Well they didn't know about this.

The full itinerary. Yeah. Okay. A lot of tips here. Share your full itinerary. Oh. Keep an open line of communication at all times. Tethered. Live stream your entire lives. I mean I'd like to look up the numbers of kidnapping,

honestly. I know. They gotta be way lower than getting hit by lightning. They have been on TV, obviously, a lot. A lot of the shows I watch are just kidnapping. All right. Okay. Well, we can get into this.

I just wanted to tell people that. Hello. Hello. Hello. You have an afghan behind you. I actually just finished crocheting this recently. Do we still call those afghans? That's what my mother called those growing up.

I think so. I think it's a tapestry or a blanket. It's a blanket. But it's nice and thick. The rows are really thick and curvy. Yeah, it was a pandemic hobby. I did a whole blanket. I hated it.

So then I took the whole thing apart and made a new ball, and then I just finished this a few days ago. So I had to show you guys. Holly, that's a specific personality type. I'm it. So then I took the whole thing apart and made a new ball and then I just finished this a few days ago So I had to show you guys Holly. That's a specific personality type. I'm impressed. That's a perfectionist You would unravel the whole thing. Yeah So for the listener, this is a very good size blanket behind you How long did it take you to do that this iteration to? Winters because it is a strictly winter hobby for me. Oh, okay.

Where are you, Holly? Do you want to guess? It's so hard because all we have is a blanket. Some are cold. Midwest, we'll start there. Boston. Oh, okay, some are cold. These go.

It's somewhere cold, you're right. Okay, so you have a story about a time you cheated. Yes, I'm curious what form of cheating you guys are going to hear. Us too, because we don't know. Emma knows, Emma reads them all. Emma knows. Yeah, so it's always a surprise for us. I'll preface my story by saying I was a shy kid growing up.

I had the best family you could ever ask for and I was a good student, so there's no explanation for this behavior. Okay. But I was in fifth grade and I went through this phase of bringing hot pockets into school and I had permission from my teacher to stay back while she brought the students down to lunch and I would warm up the hot pocket behind her desk and then go down to the cafeteria. Wow, you were a teacher's pet. Yeah, very special privileges. Definitely.

Did you have a favorite hot pocket? I'm just curious. The ham and cheese. Classic a teacher's pet. Yeah, very special privileges. Definitely. Did you have a favorite hot pocket? I'm just curious. The ham and cheese. Classic. That's classic. The steak and cheese, though, was dynamite. I liked the pizza ones.

I don't think I had steak and cheese. It's hearty. I honestly don't think I've had a hot pocket since then. I could get into a hot pocket. Oh, yeah. So we were given a math test one day, and it wasn't standardized testing, but it was a statewide test.

And they made it clear it wasn't going toward our final grade. They were just trying to gauge knowledge across the state. So I took this test. I am not a math whiz. It was a math test and I did not do well. I knew that. So later that day when I was warming up my hot pocket, I just was inspired to go through my teacher's desk.

Oh. It's always the people closest to you. Exactly. And I found the answer key and my test and I got a pencil and I erased all of my very wrong answers. And I left one wrong though because I'm an evil genius and I was like, this way I won't get caught. How old were you again?

Fifth grade, so 11. Like I said, I had never done anything like this before and Holly about roughly how many questions were on the test I think like 30 and it was all multiple choice. So one wrong is still pretty crazy You should have done probably three wrong you could have done three wrong and still been in the 90% a But it doesn't matter it didn't matter right well We're gonna find out I bet maybe it did. Oh well, I meant it wouldn't have mattered for her grade. It was a weird time to cheat. Exactly.

I just kind of went on with my life. A few weeks later, my best friend Lizzie overheard teachers talking and saying, Holly got the best score in the whole grade. She's gonna get an award at the fifth grade of graduation. No, oh no. Oh fuck. Yeah, yeah.

She quickly reported this to me. And you had told her you cheated? No. Okay, great, good. So I just started to panic and I was and still am a very anxious child. So just internalizing this fear. Fast forward to the graduation.

We sang a horrible rendition of Because You Loved Me and Brought Flowers Down to Our Families. And the principal explained the math test and said, the student who got the high score not only did the best in the grade, but did the best in the state. No! Oopsie! This is, oh my God, I'm feeling like sweaty.

This is the perfect punishment for cheating. Yes. Like you think it would be to reprimand somebody but everyone just Celebrate you in your searing inside. Oh my god. Think about the second best. I know That's so sad. They probably got like 14 wrong like she thought oh, yeah, I'll get 10% wrong. That's she got one wrong It's funny. I was talking to my mom last night and she was like, yeah, I wasn't listening to that part because I just figured some brainiac was gonna win this award.

And then I heard your name and I was shocked. Oh my God. Look, she was right. This is really scary though, because as soon as you open this door to being a math genius, when you're not even good at math, then it's like, oh, you should test to see

if you can get into men's suck. Or you should be on the pre-calc trajectory. Exactly. You should be taking trig and pre-calc at the same time in 10th grade. Oh my God. Oh, what if they were like, we need to redo this test.

Yeah, we need you to do it live. Yeah, in front of everyone. All right, well, what happened? So they called your name. I remember walking down the bleachers, but I don't remember receiving the award. My family was so thrilled and excited for me, so I was like, I'm gonna die with this secret.

But I was like, it's fifth grade, nobody cares. But in case you didn't know, after fifth grade, there's more math to take after that. Sure, sure, sure, quite a lot. Another seven years of it, as I recall. So every year I would not be doing well in math, and my parents would be like, you won the math award. I don't understand. Best mathematician in the state. What a fall from grace.

Exactly. The narrative I came up with, I was like, it was multiple choice. I got lucky. I don't know what to tell you. Eventually, I don't know why. Finally, in high school, I told my best friend, Lizzie, who is the one who overheard I was going to win. And she was shocked. And then I told some more friends once I got to college.

And they thought it was so funny. And they were like, you're clearly still harboring this anxiety. Your parents are fantastic, just tell them. Yes, yes, yes. That summer, your vacationing in Nantucket and my mom's boss is beautiful, summer home. And it was my parents, my grandparents,

my sister and brother-in-law, Lizzie and me, all around the dinner table. And I unleashed the full story and everyone was just crying, laughing. My grandma told me she had never been more proud of me than fighting this out. She's an notorious cheater. Proud of you for cheating,

not for being honest about cheating. For cheating. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's the joke with the family that whenever my math skills are brought up, they're just like, but you won that math award. That's my story. You know what's interesting is it could have been

a weird self-fulfilling prophecy where you were so neurotic about getting found out that you ended up working six times as hard to maintain this lie and became a good mathematician. That could also happen. Did you find yourself working harder at it? Or you just, you knew like, I'm never gonna be able to maintain this.

I knew my brain didn't work that way, but I worked hard and would stay after school because I was like, I just don't get this. So that also added to the chaos. Yeah. What if you would have faked a head injury? Like you came home from school and you're like, oh my God, I fell and hit my head on a rock, mom.

I hope nothing's broken permanently to justify why she sucked at math again all of a sudden. That's how lies build. It is. And then they go to the doctor, she takes you to the doctor and they have to like make up the whole scenario of how you fell and Lizzie accidentally tripped you.

Liz! Ugh! Yep. you fell and Lizzie accidentally tripped you. Liz! Yep. Wow. Classic Lizzie. Oh man, what a story I like that. Oh, that's really cute, Holly. It is cute. I like when good girls are naughty for no reason.

Of course you do. Yeah, like so unpredictable. It's not for no reason, it's cause you wanted to be perfect. Again, like your Afghan blanket. It all comes back to the blanket. That's right. It does. What a delight meeting you Holly. You too and I just quickly need to say how much the podcast means to me. I've been an avid

listeners since day one. You guys have taught me how to be introspective and curious and I just love and appreciate you both so much and Wabi Wab if he's there. He's here. He's currently really frustrated he He can't get our coffee maker to work. Like the look of consternation on his face is similar to right before you unraveled your afghan. Oh, that was a long process. We appreciate that so much. We're so glad you've been listening to whole ride.

I hope you'll stick with us for another jaunt. I'm not going anywhere. Okay, wonderful. We'll be well in very nice meeting you, Holly. Thank you, you too. Bye-bye. It's so weird that I wave Holly. Thank you, you too. Bye-bye. It's so weird that I wave now. Now you don't wave. I know.

I think maybe you took my thing. Yeah, you want to do your own thing. Yeah, some things are just mine and mine only. I know. You're cool. You're a trendsetter. She curtsy or something. Oh. Or fart. Oh.

Bye. That's how Monica says goodbye. It's proprietary to her. Don't do it or she'll have to change. Please don't do it. She'll stop. We're on malaria pills. Did's proprietary to her. Don't do it or else you'll stop We're on malaria pills. Yeah, I took it. Hello. Hi there. What fake name do we like for you? I thought it'd be fun to have you guys pick any sort of Generic white guy name. Well, but you're not just a generic white guy cuz you got spiky hair and some tattoos I'm gonna call you Justin. I like that. I think that fits. How do you feel about that name?

Every Justin I ever met was super cool. Then I'm gonna embrace it. Call me Justin. Okay, Justin, I'm encouraged by the fact that you don't want your real name used because I hope it means your cheese is juicy. Yeah, unfortunately, a little bit. Okay.

All right, let's hear that. Where are you? Nope. Sorry, we're both on malaria pills, so we're a little out of sorts. I was gonna ask, have you taken your upcoming trip to India yet? That's tomorrow morning,

but this one here, right? We'll be back. We don't want anyone to know while we're gone, cause I don't want to murder my family, but yes, we leave tomorrow morning. And so we started our malaria pills a few hours ago. We're a little nervous that they're making us insane, but I think we're doing okay.

Yeah, because the background is nuts. And for a second, I thought maybe it was just me going crazy already I think you have done something cool so funny enough. I actually have my child's play tent perched above me I don't have a walk-in closet, and I'm trying to you know play by the rules as well as possible My background is blurred because it looked ridiculous. I thought Okay, so launch into how you cheated. Okay, a little bit of backstory here.

I was in my senior year of undergrad to be a teacher. This is back in the 2010, 2011 school year, and I was doing my student teaching. So where I went to college was a city, but close by was some more like rural communities. I was set up at an elementary school, and it was a bit, but close by was some more like rural communities. I was set up at an elementary school, and it was a bit smaller town, close by, to do my student teaching there.

I'm this 21 year old kid, kind of in a weird spot in life in general. Can I just say, Justin, that's too early to go like, God, I'm already a teacher, and I'm gonna do this the rest of my life? Is that what you were feeling? Exactly. I am living with five other guys in a college house,

still very much doing college guy things, but in the daytime and in charge of a room full of 10 year olds being this professional adult guy. It's actually a kindergarten through eighth grade building. So gives you an idea of the size of town. They were in need of another track coach. I was a collegiate athlete myself. I'm not for track and field.

You did gymnastics. I was not a gymnast. No, I'm looking at your physique. And it looks very gymnast to me, which is a very high compliment. What was your sport? So believe it or not, I was actually a collegiate football player. It was about 40 pounds heavier than what I am right now. So I'm going to take the compliment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I'm right now. So I'm gonna take the compliment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So anyway, I'm like, hey, I can be a middle school coach. Fast forward a couple of weeks into the season. We've practiced, we now have our first meet. There's not a ton of coaching. It's more babysitting and encouraging. I did junior high track and field as the funnest activity of my life.

Randy Hammon and I were both high jumpers. We were dating. There's all these other kids you're looking at. Me. You loved it. So much. I loved it. I decide, I'm just gonna kind of post up

by one of the common starting line areas. And so smaller track, smaller bleachers. And then there's just kind of a four foot high chain link fence around the area where a lot of parents are congregating. And as I'm scanning, making sure my kids aren't messing around and getting in trouble and stuff. I felt like my eyes kind of made eye contact with a mom. And I just felt like she was looking at me.

Young mom. Middle school age child. So I would guess right at like the 40. Okay. Juicy. Here we go. Very attractive mom. Yeah.

They can be. Yeah. I noticed her and I felt her eyes kept being on me, but I have a girlfriend. I am trying to make a good impression on this town and school. And so just keep doing my thing next week. Another track meet. Notice the mom there. Again, I noticed the eyes kind of locked on.

For the listener, you're extremely handsome. Yeah, yeah, really outrageous. This is all making sense. Yeah, this, really outrageous. This is all making sense. Yeah, this track. Yeah. This track and fields. Yes, it's tracks and we'll find out if it fields. Thank you very much for the handsome comment.

It's very flattering. But yeah, so a couple of weeks goes by, and now we're approaching the end of the school year. I finally have a pretty good relationship with one of the other track coaches there. She was a seventh grade teacher at the school. And so again, we're in the same building. We have lunch together and stuff. And

so one day I kind of put out a feeler of like, what's going on here? Am I completely nuts? And so I said, I'm like, Hey, what's up with? We'll just refer to her as track mom. I didn't know her name. I didn't know her situation or anything. And small town, everybody knows everything. And she just was like, Oh my gosh, she's newly divorced, very much on the prowl has kind of gotten a name for herself. Got some money in the divorce. She made some enhancements to herself. Lottery enhancements. She got bigger knees. Lunger legs. She kind of dished me in. And so I'm like, I don't think I'm crazy. Then

I really do feel like she's making eyes at me and on one hand, flattered. But again, I've got a girlfriend. I'm not trying to do anything here. We know you had a girlfriend. We know. I mean, this is a cheating story. So that part is important. He doesn't want to get to the part where... Well, yeah. Well, I'm here. So I'm out with my friends in my college town, some of smaller towns, not a lot going on. And so if you're looking to go to the bars and have some fun, typically come to that area. And with my friends, throwing back beers, having a good time and in walks, track mom and a friend.

Oh boy. I actually didn't even notice it right away. We were at a bar where we were throwing darts, but a couple of my friends actually noticed. They were actually the ones who pointed her out again I mentioned she was attractive they're like oh my gosh look at that mom that walked in and she started looking over at her group and my friend Matt was like hey man she's not looking at our group she's looking at you she's been stalking this prey for a whole season yeah she's finally lurching in the tall grass. She's so excited. She makes her way over to our group with some shots,

starts chatting us up. Very motherly, very maternal. Very responsible. And between the ego boost from my friends and the little bit of liquid courage, the night goes on, group disperses a little bit. And I wind up in her vehicle, heading home to her house.

Well, her and her ex-husband's house? Just her house now, but yes, I would imagine was also the ex-husband's home. I did ask, not until we were like walking into the home. So I was like, oh my God, your kids aren't home, are they? Right. My students aren't in there. Your daughter that I coach is not sleeping right now, is she?

And she said, no, the kids are at their dads this weekend. So I sit down on the couch and she goes into the kitchen, just kind of around the corner, comes out holding two drinks, and that was all that she had on her body. Oh, you lucky Justin. Wow, she was thirsty. Yeah, there was no other thought in my mind at that point. No girlfriend, no nothing.

Of course. We very much enjoyed our time together in a few different rooms. Oh. I'm not a person who lives with regrets by any means. I think life's full of opportunities. Some of them you learn from and some of them are just really great experiences.

And this was one I certainly learned from because as soon as we were finished having our fun, she helped gather my clothes, walk me to the door, shut the door right behind me said, thanks. That's the dream kind of for a hookup you're going to regret. Did you want to keep dating her? No, definitely not. But by then, you know, I was certainly completely sober, sitting in a driveway of a town that I was teaching in and like really hoping nobody could see me. I did call one of my friends and I do feel bad because I totally lied to him at the time when I said that I went with full intention to hook up with her and then thought better

of it and she got mad and kicked me out. I felt terrible about it. I'm not a cheater. That was actually the one and only time in my relationship life that I've done anything like that. I and the guilt really got to me. I actually came clean to my girlfriend at the time. Funny enough, she thought I made it up. That's lucky. We were approaching the end of college. We were already kind of seeing that life moving forward into adulthood didn't involve the both of us.

And so she thought I was making it up as a way to just end things. You know, so Justin, it's not a coincidence that this cougar picked you because the kind of innocence, the fact that you hadn't ever cheated, how much you were wrestling with it, I think is exactly what she was looking for. No. Yes, the older woman. Did you have your tattoos then? No. But also that he's got such a sweet kind of moral.

Yeah, but he's hot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's hot, but he's like a good boy hot. And he's teaching at the school. Yeah, maybe. I'm putting it this way, like if you and I were together in this scenario, she wouldn't have wanted me. She wouldn't have known like, yeah, at the third track meet, it would have been like,

hey, what's up? You're staring at me. Let's talk about what's next. She actually wanted the innocent guy. Maybe we don't know. Let's get her on the phone Yeah, that's Rob. I think it's part of it I don't think you're wrong That's one thing that some of my friends used to say in college and stuff that that was why girls would hit on me Is because I would just have no clue and I think they felt very safe with you. That's why the tattoos. Now you're dangerous. Trying to proactively.

Yeah. So I cheated. And yeah, I totally learned from the experience and vowed to not do that again. And now, yeah, I'm a very happily married man. You're in a children's fort. These are tricky. Like, of course, I have a ton of regret

about being unfaithful to certain people. I feel very guilty about it. Also, we were young and I wasn't ever going to be with those people ultimately. And now some of the stories like it's a scale. For me, I'm glad you have this one experience. What do you think, Monica? Where are you at? I'm not sure. You're not there. No judgment. I'm glad it's happened because now you're telling us and it's a good story. But I don't know that I wanna say, I'm glad you cheated. That feels like a weird thing to endorse for anyone. People make their own decisions and that's fine.

I just feel like it's weird for us to say, yay, you cheated. What I'm saying is you get one trip through life and you're missing some wild crazy experience because you've convinced yourself this other thing is whatever. Yeah, but also committing to a person, seeing that through and not hurting people is also a very... It is important, yeah.

...at a real point to go through life. It is for sure. But like committing when you're 14 and committing when you're 16, I don't know. Maybe I think we all commit a little too young in life. I think everything happens for a reason and you know, life's full of learning experiences and this is one for me. And so after that particular girlfriend of myself broke up, parted full of learning experiences, and this is one for me. So after that particular girlfriend of myself broke up, parted ways, moved on, the next woman that I was in a relationship

with is my wife. Oh, wow. Straight in. That was your one opportunity to go home with a 40 year old mom. Yeah. So it got the girl I wasn't supposed to be with out of the way, like officially wasn't necessarily the best way of going about it. But here we are. And I'm sitting here talking to the both of you, which is just amazing. Thanks for being honest and telling us. Yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot. Yeah, it was a trip for sure.

Well, Justin, it was great meeting you. Yes. Both of you as well. And this is probably something that could give myself away for friends of mine that listened to the show and everything. But when my wife and I got pregnant and we were having a son I jokingly said it once was like what if we name him Dax and no, your son's name is Dax Is he a little weirdo like me is he living up to the name he's something He's totally adorable like you

Wow That is so sweet. I'm pretty honored and feel not worthy of it, because I just said I believe in cheating for the right experience. I told you not to say that. I told you not to say that. I wouldn't have dachs as a son if I didn't do what I did. How much can you really regret if you love where you landed?

Monica's right. She's hanging on by a thread here. I can feel the judgment. There's no judgment. Oh, it's just towards me, not you. You're clean. There's no judgment towards anyone. I'm not gonna let codependency make me say like, I think it's so great, everyone's cheating.

Oh yeah. You know. But I also am, I am glad you did what you did. I hope no one heard my statement as everyone should cheat. That's what I wanna make sure. I'm saying there's certain examples in your life where you might regret how it made the person feel, but I don't know if you would choose to have not done it again. Do it differently, for sure.

That's the point at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your kid and Scarlett Johansson comes to your town and she wants to go out on a date with you. You know, maybe that's why you take that. I guess. I mean, if I'm the girlfriend though, it's never okay to me. Of course. And for me, it's fine. Like, if Matt Damon comes to town, we're dating and you plow him at

the campground, I'm like, yeah, you gotta take that shot. I can live with that. Everyone's different. All right, well, Jessen, thank you so much. And so flattering. I wish you and Young Dax and your lovely wife all the best. I appreciate it. Thank you both. All right, take care. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated.

Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan, and they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub, and of course, a great shower. Expedia, made to travel. Crypto is like the financial system, but different. It doesn't care where you come from, Expedia. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. Kraken's registration details at kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer.

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Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com slash student 100. Oh, hello. How are you? Hey, good. How are you guys? Wonderful. Carbondale, that has nothing to do with Illinois, does it? It does have something to do with Illinois.

I went to school there and worked there for 15 years. So Chris, you cheated. I don't want to stereotype and shame you, but I believe you have a story about cheating. Just like when you look at me, you probably imagine I have a story. It's not like you think. Okay, that's what we like.

This is a story about cheating in high school. So it was my junior year. I went to high school in Illinois and we had chemistry class and I was a good student but we had a teacher, I was calling Mr. P. He was a good guy. We had some kids in the class who decided to play a prank on him. They put signs in his yard that were, you know, Mr. P is gay. Oh, sure, sure. Homophobic, standard stuff in the 90s.

Yeah, this is 93, 94. Destroyed some law and ornaments. The next day we came back to school, he said, I want to know who did this to my lawn. He was very upset. Nobody told, but of course I do, because these are two friends of mine who had done it. The second day goes by, nobody says a word.

We're all playing it cool. Later that night, I got with a friend of mine and I said, we could take advantage of this situation. I said, look, after class tomorrow, we're gonna go up to Mr. P and say, look, I know who did this to you, but in exchange for this information. Oh my God.

This is a black milk conspiracy. I would like a passing grade in this class. No, this is outrageous. Absolutely not. And I swear without hesitation, he said yes. Oh, that's how mad he was. We shook hands. Oh my God.

And we said it was this guy and it was this guy. And it was weird. Ran it out your friends. I did. You weren't struggling in the was weird. And it was weirdo. And it was weirdo. I did. You weren't struggling in the class though. You didn't need it. I wasn't struggling but I didn't want to try either.

Well yeah, I get that. Chemistry sucks. So, easier path. He wasn't an asshole teacher. So I wanted to say I felt bad for the guy but then the more I thought about it I was like no I just wanted to take advantage of the situation. Yeah. Sure, that's more honest.

I appreciate that. I can't remember how much trouble they got into, but they never found out who told on them. Oh, they protected your anonymity. It was free and clear. I was still friends with the guys. I played sports with them. Oh.

So for the rest of the semester, we would take tests in the class, me and this other buddy of mine. I would take the test legitimately, but without really studying, and it would always be like 88%. Oh my God. And the final came, and again, you got 88%, you got to be in a class. Everyone's pretty unethical in the story. Exactly.

You got some guys who were dickheads, they were unethical. Yep. They put these signs up that were homophobic and mean. You got our guy, Chris here, who double crossed them.heads. They were unethical put these signs up that were homophobic and mean you got our guy Chrissie who double crossed that's unethical and then you get this teacher to me. That's the part It's bold you got to be right And then you got a teacher who's completely unethical that he wants to punish these people so bad He's so punitive that he will absolutely sell out his morals and give someone an 88 all parties really I don't feel really bad for anybody. This is kind of weirdly a victimless, victimful story. And I do take Umbridge with the word blackmail.

You do? There was no blackmail. It was either you take the deal or I'll just walk and we'll tell you. Well, that's true. Well, you were- Yeah, I guess blackmail would have been if he approached the vandals and said, you guys got to give me something or I'll tell on you. Yeah, but were you worried that if when you brought this up to your teacher that he would say, no, and you're gonna be expelled for extortion? At 16, extortion was not even a word of my vocabulary. Wow, hadn't got there yet. I didn't think about the consequences.

I was just like, where can I take this? Oh, this whole prompt is fucked up. Oh God, it's fantastic. I love it. Oh, so I guess in the end of the day, you don't regret this is my hunch. I've gotten over it. How much trouble did the guys get in?

I guess that's the part I would feel guilt over. You know, I don't recall. So it could have been too bad Maybe a day or two suspension or something, but they didn't get expelled or anything The other funny thing is like how a high school criminal justice system works Their only proof is that one dude and let's remember a shady dude who's broke or in a deal his word You know if they would just said no, we absolutely didn't do it And I don't know who told you that,

but that's probably who did it. They would just go like too bad. They must have copped to it once they were identified. They didn't keep their mouth shut. They told a handful of people. Okay. Yeah, they're bragging a little bit. Yeah, exactly like you did,

because we are all stupid back then. Yeah. Oh, Chris, I don't know why this tickled me so much. It's just so scumbaggy. I like that, of course, because I'm sc stupid that good. Oh, well, Chris, I don't know why this tickled me so much. It's just so scumbaggy. I like that, of course, because I'm scumbaggy. And I'm not a scumbag. I'm a good guy. I have taken advantage of situations.

We all have. Don't you think it'd be good guy and scumbaggy? I hope so. Yeah, but not best boy. You can't be a best boy and scumbaggy. No, no, no, no, Chris is not a bad boy. But you can be a good guy and have done scumbaggy things. We all have.

We didn't get where we are today without doing some shady stuff. With some scumbaggery. Never crossed the line, never been arrested, never went to jail. Okay. Right. Never harmed a human physically intentionally.

We don't need to go down the list. We don't. Okay. Chris's has been a delight. Thanks for telling us that. I'm glad you guys had me. All right, take care. I appreciate you guys.

Bye. Oh man. That's worse take care. Appreciate you guys. Bye. Oh, man. That's worse than the cheating on the girlfriend. Which is funny. I find that... Because that one has a real victim. I know.

I find the teacher really sad in that story. Yeah, who are you most judgmental of in this story? The boys who vandalized? I'm not actually... Yeah, the boys who vandalized. Fuck that. Okay, great. Yeah, so then they got in trouble for a thing they did, so that's not bad.

No, I think that affected that teacher so much, that vandalization, that obviously he'll do anything. He compromises morals. Yeah. I don't like that. But we're mad at the vandals, I think. Yeah, I'm a little mad at Chris for putting him in that position to compromise his morals. But he got him what he wanted, which is... But he could have just said, hey, I know this is really bothering you.

This is who did it. Yeah. I think he was like, I can do that. And also give him something to make. I know. That's the part that's bad. Tax. Oh, God.

It's shocking to me. I don't know Chris already from the Midwest. I liked him. We all do bad stuff. Yeah. It's just the way it goes. You can't get through this life without... I don't think so.

I have a cheating story that occurred to me that I can tell if you want to hear it. Yeah. Hello. Hi there, is this Danielle? This is... I have to say something. Every single person... Don't say it.

Why? Why can't I say it? Did Holly? Okay, except our first story, I think she was wearing long sleeves. The rest of you have tattoos. Oh Literally the exact same you have sleeves all three of you have sleeves it's pretty incredible And me so for I love it. It looks great, but I had to bring that up It's worth observing you'd be lying to yourself if you didn't it'd be disappointing if you didn't yeah

And I have so many cheating stories and you have some. I have some. Well, who doesn't? That's right. Where are you, Danielle? I'm in Edmonton, Alberta. Oh, our Canadian friends to the north. Did you happen to listen to Camilla Mendes?

I absolutely did. I saw some comments from some Canadians that they were like, really hurt my feelings that episode. For what? You know, we were just saying we Don't want to be in Canada working because we don't want to be away from home having nothing to do with Canada Drug use in Vancouver. Well, there's a ton of drug use in Vancouver. It's really bad here as well. Yeah, and there's a ton of drugs here Yeah, yeah, I had a gentleman offer to trade me booze and drugs for my baby on the way to the pediatrician downtown

It's not great here. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Yeah. It's sort of a rampant problem. You could call that a drug problem. Yeah.

The struggle in the streets. Yeah, sure is. Okay. So you're up in Canada and you are going to tell us about a time you cheated. Yes. But I went outside the box. Yes, I love that. Great.

So it's the day I cheated death. Oh, interesting. Oh, I love it. Great. So it's the day I cheated death. Oh, interesting. Oh, I love it. I know what you did. You have a whopper of a story and you're like waiting for the right prompt and it's just not fucking coming. And then you cracked it.

I applaud this. I've been manifesting this from day one. Yay. Okay, great. Myself and my very good friend Justine who listened daily. And when that email came in, I texted her just her name in all capital letters

and she said, we've done it. Oh my God. I said, it's gonna happen. It's coming with this story. Okay, so hit us with this cheating death story. Okay, so this was in 2013 and it was in actually the small town that I grew up in. It's about three hours north of here.

It was the day of the bridal shower for my practice marriage. Oh, I love this. I love calling it that. That's a nice turn. Yeah. When you're a child bride, things don't typically work out. Yeah. So, just grew up in a small town and that's what everybody did.

Yeah. Yeah. So, it's a Saturday morning. I drive to work and I'm working at a hair salon that's on Main Street. So the way that the buildings are situated, it's front of the buildings are on Main Street. And then in the back, there's like a big back alley space for parking and for garbage trucks, things like that to come by. So I come into the back alley, get out of my vehicle.

I'm walking to the door. It's up a couple of stairs on a deck. So I'm walking up the door. It's up a couple of stairs on a deck. So I'm walking up, the back door flies open. One of my coworkers comes running out and she's barely five feet, little fiery red head, screaming. You motherfucker, what the fuck are you doing? I'm gonna fucking kill you. What?

I'm like, well, this can't be for me. So I turn around and there's a guy high tailing it back behind me, like takes off through the back alley, running. And it's 8.15 a.m. on a Saturday. Right. She's frantic, we get inside, and she's like, did you not see what happened? I guess I got out of my car,

and he runs up behind me and pulls out his rock hard penis and is furiously masturbating. Oh! Like, pandem his hoodie pocket. Oh, wow. The other one aggressively masturbating while getting up right behind me.

Oh, my God. So she's very worried he has something in his pocket. Can I ask how on earth she observed all this? So there's a window out the back door. Oh, okay. And the staff room of the salon is there. So she had gotten there, was putting her things away. Oh my gosh.

Heard me drive up, looked. And this guy runs out and he is already at attention and he's ready to go. Oh, wow. Very impressive, right? So she's beside herself, calls the police. They come lights and sirens and it's like a 90 second drive.

They should have walked his next door and they've gotten the cars and drove to parking spots. So they get there and are doing a full investigation, looking for prints, interviewing other businesses, looking for video cameras. Well I kind of like this though. I was going to say I can only be so upset because generally it's the opposite which is like lady you're hysterical Yeah, I'm not gonna take you serious. You're not in danger. No one with the a guy in her stairwell of her apartment

Yes, and the cop came and just like didn't give a fuck. I prefer this. Yes So they're interviewing her and they're asking for a full description of this man's genitalia Oh, okay, like they're gonna line people up and be like, show us your genitals. I'll also acknowledge that a lot of these cases, remember someone was described as having like a mushroom dick? It was like, you know, kind of an Epstein S case. And it was pretty definitive because it is a fingerprint. Trump's penis.

Oh, Trump's penis. Stormy Daniels. Oh, Stormy Daniels, right? How did she describe it? A mushroom. A mushroom, yeah. All this is finished. They actually do end up catching somebody with his description several days later in, like, the next small town,

because he'd gotten his rocks off and ours. He was charged with sexual assault on a woman. So we'll now fast forward to the evening of the actual bridal shower. And I had said, I don't want one. I think they're silly. I'll only have it if it's in the evening and I can drink. So my bridesmaids, parents, everybody have rented out the Gulf and Country Club. My practice husband had said, well, I can come pick you up.

I said, it's fine. We're just going to call a cab after. And again, it's 2013. There's no Ubers there. So the evening's over. It's myself, my mom, Ubers there. So the evening's over, it's myself, my mom, and two of her friends left over. And we said, Kate will call the van cab

that the one company has. They pull up, we go to get in the cab, and everyone still has a cocktail leftover. And it was like, well, we paid for them, we're bringing them. Sure, roadies. Another one of my mom's friends says, well, I'm a member at this club, and I want that potted plant. So you guys are now looting from the country club? Well,, well, I'm a member at this club and I want that potted plant.

So you guys are now looting from the country club. Well, I mean, she's a member, so she considered it hers. Okay, wow, that's... We get in this van cab. The first row is myself, the potted plant, and then in the back rows are my mom and her friends. It's out of town and it's on a T intersection. So in order to get out, you're driving down,

it's a T you turn left to go into town, right to get out, you're driving down, it's a T, you turn left to go into town, right to go out, in front of you is a farmers field. We're flying down this road. And even in my state, I'm thinking, this is very fast. And I start to smell a skunk. And I know that on the way in, there was a dead skunk on the road. and I was like, well, we're mighty close to that stop sign And as I'm about to say we should slow down All I hear are horns. Oh lights and us Flying through that intersection. Oh, we've hit the farmer's fence. Oh my god the whole fence Oh, we are in the middle of this. Oh my god. Is the driver conscious? Oh, yeah

Is he the guy whose penis it was? in the middle of this. Oh my God. Is the driver conscious? Oh yeah. Is he the guy whose penis it was? So we're in this field and all of a sudden he goes, I'm so sorry, I'm not really sure what happened there. I can get us out of here. Again, now this may offend some Canadian, that sounds very Canadian. It is the most Canadian thing possible. Oh, oops.

Because he goes, not to worry, I can get us out, goes to hit in reverse. As I hear my mother screaming, he broke my fucking arm. Oh. I then hear my mom's other friend screaming, he spilled my fucking drink. Oh, yeah, that's the same. And then my other mom's friend yelling about the plant, because if you look throughout the cab, there's potted plant everywhere.

Okay, so that thing granated. There's cocktails everywhere, potted plant everywhere. Okay, so that thing granated. Cocktails everywhere. Potted plant everywhere. This guy got what he deserved. His wins a mess now. It was a mess to begin with, which was why we shouldn't have gotten in, but hey, I am having to now control this group of women who are frantic. And tell the cab driver, you need to stop.

We have to call the police. The farmer whose field it was, he's coming down in his four-wheeler because he's witnessed our horrid dukes of hazard through his field, smashed his fence. The police finally get there. I walk up to give my statement and hear laughing because it is the same police officer I've given my statement to that morning. Oh my lord, you bookend it is day. Also this guy's on a long shift. So they'll either do a full shift, a double or a split. Oh, split. Okay, he's on a double. I think he was on a split. So he would have done the morning, had the mid shift off, and then come on

for an evening. Wow. Both shifts were full of you. Lucky for him, right? So did they give the cab driver a breathalyzer? Did anyone attempt to explain why he did this? He got a failure to stop at a stop sign ticket. Oh, that's nice. That's not a bad ticket. Yeah. So it would have been several seconds earlier or later, and we probably would have been dead.

Like, would have T-boned that van. Yeah. Oh. By the way, talk about the universe sending you a lot of signs. Exactly. That you're not supposed to get married. Yeah.

Hindsight is 20-20. Yeah. As soon as you got up, the universe was like, don't do it. We're not letting you do this. Then, later that night, don't do it. We would rather you be dead. Yes. Yeah, twice.

Oh. The first guy didn't get her. This is for sure going to get it. It is a wake her up. Oh, Danielle, what an eventful day. Yeah, big day. Thank you so much for telling us that story. And hi to Justine, was it?

Justine, thank you so much. It was great meeting you guys. This is so wonderful. You guys are just lights in my life. We're friends and you don't know it yet. Thank you. Thank you. All right, take care.

Bye. Bye. OK, I have an idea for a prompt. You know that book Alexander's No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day? That prompt, like people who've had a day like that. Okay, yeah, that's great. Anyway, so tell us your cheating story. Okay, so you had to have a foreign language prerequisite

to get into UCLA. Could they revoke your degree if you tell this? Let's see him try. Fuck it, you know, if they gotta do it, I'll live. Then you can't ever say again, you have an anthropology degree think about what's on the table here I'll still tell people I had it yeah just like Reggie Bush winning the Heisman they took it back because he supported his mom I'll tell

everyone I won the Heisman he won the Heisman he did yeah and he was so I did taking it at Santa Monica College twice. And I had to drop. 101. I guess it was that. Spanish. I had to take two units of it or something to get in. I had to drop the class, like the day before you could drop before it went on your report card as an E or a fail.

Both times I'm like trying to see if I need to do that or not, and both times I had to. I was going to fail the class anyways, right? I mean, I just couldn't do it. So I'm like, what am I going to do? I have to have this thing and I'm trying my hardest and I can't do it. And so this is a little bit of some shade

at West LA College, but I heard West LA College is a lot easier. Sure. So I'm like, fuck it. I guess I'll try to take Spanish at the West LA College. a lot easier. Sure. So I'm like, fuck it. I guess I'll try to take Spanish at the West LA College. So I did. I registered for just two classes there. Yeah.

And took Spanish there. And I figured out that I could print something on my printer in like four font. No, what the heck? So I wrote out this whole thing. I forget what we were going to have to do. Like I want to say we're going to have to write a whole paragraph or something. And so I wrote the whole thing out and I printed it out.

And it was like the size of a matchbook. I could have never done this today. There's no way I could see the letters. And then it'd be so obvious you'd be like staring at your hand. Yes, exactly. But I did attach it to my palm. And I just fully cheated on the final. And I did that for every task that I had there.

And I got an A in that class. Only Spanish though. Only Spanish. Okay, oh, you got an A? Yeah, I got an A. You should have just tried to get a C. Fuck it, I mean, I'm already cheating. I'm trying to get into UCLA.

I'm not trying to lower my GPA. I think I had like a three, five out of SMC. It just feels a little more unfair. Like it's one thing if you're just trying to lower my GPA. I think I had like a 3-5 out of SBC. No, it just feels a little more unfair. Like it's one thing if you're just trying to pass, just so you can pass, but then to like excel, it's not really fair. Well, look, I had to get into UCLA.

I think it's unfair that I had to learn Spanish to get into this schooling, but that's the barrier, that I got to learn the language I'm never ever going to speak in my life. I mean, we would be speaking it more now. I wish- It was capable. I know, same.

I never cheated at Spanish, but I wanted to cheat. I was so bad at it. And I think I told this, I guess Spanish class is a common place for people to cheat. And you know what? I'm gonna be honest, it's a little arbitrary to have as an absolute requisite, because all the other ones are building blocks

for the rest that you'll learn. I think it's kind of good they make people take it. I wasn't good at it, but I am glad I was forced to think that way because I never would have otherwise. But I'll master Latin history for you. If you want me to know people and respect them and put time into learning about the people of the world, that's great. Making me speak their language, I don't know why that's the most respectful way for me to do it. I could learn the history of Spain or Mexico. Well, no, I mean, here, you know,

we have a big Latin population. It's good to be able to communicate. Yeah, but you could take two years of Korean. Anything, you just have to take two years, two units or whatever of a foreign language. Yeah. Someone decided that made a well-rounded student at some point, and I'm just arguing,

I don't know if I agree with that. It also depends on your major. The theater major required us to take four levels of Spanish to graduate. Again, why? You're never gonna do a Spanish play. It's something about the way your brain, I don't know why, but I did it.

Pretty arbitrary. I don't think I know what goes into all the decision-making, and I'm okay with not knowing. Right. And I don't necessarily why, but I did it. The arbitrary. I don't think I know what goes into all the decision making, and I'm OK with not knowing. Right. And I don't necessarily think it's arbitrary. I'm just saying, I can make it. Like, you've got to be good at reading and writing,

because you're going to need to do that in all the majors. And you should have a really good base knowledge of math, because you're going to have to do biology chemistry in some physics. But why? I've never had to do chemistry for the rest of my life. I shouldn't have had to take that ever. But they decided that was just as important. Again, it's like not knowing what people are going to be doing. But in theater, I don't really get it. But also, there's just one

physics. There's one math. There's 230 languages. We're not even getting into the 6,000 dialects within some of these languages. Like, you're just throwing a dart at a map. Math is math, physics is physics, chemistry is chemistry. It's like a universal knowledge you're picking up. Well, I would say I've used Spanish more than I've used chemistry personally. I believe that. But Callie and my friend Robbie, they cheated in high school Spanish a lot. They would sit behind me and cheat and I hated it. Yeah, I bet you did.

Yeah, I really didn't like it. Yeah. I bet. In high school, when I had German, I cheated off of Sassy the entire time. I sat next to her and just fucking completely cheated. I think people felt like they didn't count to cheat in a foreign language class and that is racist. I think people intuitively know that it's arbitrary

and that's why they're not valuing it. I think they think it doesn't matter. You know one of the reigning theories of why we're so smart as a primate is because we have mastered deception. Like cheating is actually one of the primary theories on the evolution of our intelligence. The fact that the chimps that can call out, there's a leopard and all the alphas run to deal with this leopard and they get to go pass on their genes with the alpha female. They've observed this.

Well, that deception was then rewarded and there's a cleverness to that. And then whoever can outsmart the other alphas that are just big, that perpetuates this whole cycle of intelligence, which is really just based in deception and cheating. Yeah. Well, that was cool. Yeah. That was a wild one. Yeah. I like hearing about those stories. Yeah. Well, that was cool. Yeah, that was a wild one. Yeah, I like hearing about those stories. Yeah. All right, love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something?

I'm gonna do a theme song. OK, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions And with the help of our Jerry's Bookets and Suggestions I'm the Fire Rhine Dish

I'm the Fire Rhine Dish Enjoy!