Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Church

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy church story.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Danica Monica, nah I can't. It's new and it's not working. Danica Monica, no?

No, it was. Dan-a-Monica. Yeah, it was Dan-a-Monica. Yeah, fuck, we gotta scrap that one. The prompt for this one is tell us a crazy church story. These were good. We got an array. We certainly did. You would think church stories would go a certain way,

and this one really spans the globe in a fun way. Churches can be wild. And it ends really sweetly. It ended really nicely. It truly did. I know. I remember being super touched at the end of that. I came inside and told everyone in the house that story.

It was very sweet. Yeah, it was. But there's some rough ones before that, so don't get too horny for the sweetness coming your way. Please enjoy Crazy Church Stories. I'm Ennis James. And I'm Colin Murray, and this is Everything to Play For. horny for the sweetness coming your way. Please enjoy Crazy Church Stories. Yes, it is the story of the speed demon, the Max missile, it's Mark Cavendish and his journey to beat Eddie Mirks' Tour de France stage win record. 35 is the magic number, 35 stage wins. It's almost too good to be true. And there was a point where nobody thought that this was ever going to happen for him. But despite all the outside noise, Mark Hamdish carries on and proves everyone wrong to show why he is one of the all-time greats. Follow everything to play for on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge seasons early and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus. What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let on One Drie+. So baby, this is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. ["Good Times"] Hi there, is this Evie? Evie, it's my dog's name. Oh, cute. Evie, that makes more sense than Evie. I have to go undercover for this. Oh, okay, great.

That's a good start. Where are you at? I also feel like I can't tell you that. Great. Got it. Because I don't wanna give it away. I also considered doing a incognito voice. Oh my. Oh my. To go undercover, I was gonna do,

I used to work at a mega church. Oh. Because they're human, they make lots of mistakes. Oh, the robot was gonna join us? How fun. I used to work at a mega church. Oh my god. Because they're human, they make lots of mistakes.

That was really good. But also I feel like the robot would get somehow like. Sucked into the megachurch, for sure. Because it's where a good boy would go. It's where real boys go. Yeah. Okay, well with however many details you can give us, set up the stage for your crazy church story.

Okay, so this was two years ago and I worked for an evangelical multi-site mega church. So these productions every Sunday had insane production value. Full LED walls, lighting rigs, the fog, the band, pyro, everything, every single Sunday. Just like Righteous Gemstones? That show was a little too close to... Which is so upsetting because that show is so absurd that the fact that it's actually close to home is upsetting.

That show is so amazing. So this Sunday was an extra big production. It wasn't Christmas, it wasn't Easter, but it's something that we celebrate every year. My job on this Sunday was to be in charge of having a whole bunch of kids join in the intermission show. So I was working under that site's stage manager. She said, have the kids go here, run through the audience, throw out some beach balls, go down on electric scooters with some LED stuff.

They're playing like Dua Lipa in The Beatles. But at the end, we were all supposed to gather in front of the stage, lock arms, and then like sway to the end of the song. And then at the very end, they were going to do this giant hit with all the kids cheering, the drum going crazy, the lights, the fog, the beach balls, everything. Really quick, were the kids going to rehearse at all, or they would be pulled out of the audience and just expected to somehow know how to do all this? The stage manager ran through it with me and it was my job to just tell them when

these kids showed up, I'm going to tell you when to go, but this is what you're going to do. No rehearsal. No, I was going to do it with them. So that would kind of help. They could watch me if they needed. And so our cue starts going, they start playing the Beatles song and me and all the kids, we run out, we hit the beach balls,

and all the little kids line up in the front of the stage and we lock arms and we start swaying to the Beatles song and it gets to the very end of the song and then all of a sudden, I feel this really hard force hit the back of my head. And my hearing just kind of goes, I can feel my head start to get really hot and I turn around

and I just see confetti falling. I had been shot in the back of a head with a confetti cannon. Oh no. I'm like a scaffolding fell on her, the stage. You were blasted with a confetti cannon. Yes, and that's exactly the language I used when I ran to the back of the auditorium.

I didn't know what to say, so I was just yelling at my boss, holding my head, I got blasted, I got blasted, I can't hear anything, I got blasted. Of course, they're laughing because that's a ridiculous statement. But I was like, no, I can't hear anything, I got shot with the confetti cannon. Oh, fuck.

At a church. How do we end up here? Yeah, exactly. I know. I'm like 22 and you know, 22 year olds, they're like, whatever, it's fine. I want to stay in the game. So I'm trying to act normal and do the rest of my job,

but time just kind of started moving slower and my head starts hurting and getting all red and bruised. so at that point I was like maybe I have a concussion whatever God will save me I'll just go into like a quiet room by myself in the dark and sit for a couple minutes but as soon as I got in that room the act was up I called my dad and I was like dad I got shot oh my god shot in the head and it hurts really bad. Oh my God, shot in the head. I had a concussion so my thought wasn't in my dad's best interest. This is worse than your injury,

what you just did to your dad. I'm so sorry, dad. But I explained what happened. I feel bad laughing. What else can you do? I know. Yeah, so my dad was obviously very angry that I had been put in this position.

It could have been one of the kids even. Might have ripped the kid's head off, a little one. I know. He was like, you need to go to the emergency room and they actually need to check you out. And it was a rough like year after that, that I had symptoms from the concussion. Really?

Like headaches and stuff? Yeah, headaches and just stimuli sensitivity. I would get super bad migraines. But like the weird thing was that my car sickness was so bad. Oh, you almost had like vertigo or something. Yeah, and whiplash from getting shot. Oh, the force of the cannon.

I asked someone that works for a fireworks company near us what one of those shoots out. And they said it can shoot up to 1800 PSI out of those industrial confetti cannons. I mean, I was like a foot away from it right into the back of my head. Are you still affiliated with that church? No, no, no, no.

Was your dad affiliated with the church? No. I could imagine being like, get, just get out of here, and don't ever go back there. I do wanna add a counterpoint, as much as I'm laughing at it. Also, it sounds really fun.

Like this show you just described. That might be part of the problem. Yeah, when you're part of that church culture, it's a lot of codependency and being a good girl. And so it was hard for me to learn to advocate for myself and for my boundaries. And I would definitely listen to Taylor Swift to like hype me up to go to meetings and stuff.

But I did end up suing them. Oh, okay. Okay, all right, great. I like that. I like that for you. Yeah, I do. They have a lot of money, those churches. They're sparing no expense on the pyrotechnics display.

We now know that. That is true, that is true. That's probably a big hemorrhage on the final. Well, that was great. Wow. I'm gonna promise you the first person I've ever met that this happens to you. It's exciting to do something original like that. Yeah.

Well, lovely meeting you. Thanks for telling us that story. Yeah, nice to meet you guys too. Thank you guys so much. All right, take care. See ya. We have so many young armchairs. I think it's like.

You? It's me? I thought it must be. No, no. I think it's like. You? It's me? If it must be. No, no, no, it's so endearing. I was in New York and I was walking down the street and this girl shouted at me across the street, ran over. She said she had the same birthday as me. And I was like, oh my God, happy belated birthday. How old did you just turn?

And she said 23. I think I like deer in the headlights her. It's 2001. Ah, it just felt really very, very young. Calvin seven, he listens to 10 elements. Wow, how old do you think our youngest actual listener is? Not their parents are playing it, but that they seek it out themselves.

There's no parent involvement. They have it on their little iPad. Yeah. Boy, that's really quite hard to imagine. I think my kids are too young for it. Anytime there's an actual guest I think they might really like, I did it with Kiwi Kwan,

and Lincoln just now can appreciate it. That was still, it's so boring. Talk radio. You gotta be at least, I feel like at least 15. I just imagine a 10 year old sitting at their dinner table with their parents like, what did you do today? And they're like, well, I took my A score. I learned about it on Armchair Expert. The gangs in India with Bill Gates.

They don't know why they were invited. Still don't know. Here's Rick. Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick Still don't know. Here's Rick. Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick. Oh, hello. Hello there, how's it going? Good, are you Rick? I am Rick.

Where are you at, Rick? In Milwaukee. What a place. Fucking Harley Davidson. Fuck yeah. The pride. You look a little Harley Davidson-esque. Sure, they would kick him out if he didn't.

Yeah, I have to. Actually, I had one for like a week, and then I crashed it, and had to give it away. Oh no. Oh. That'll happen. Okay, so does your church story take place in Milwaukee? It does.

Let's hear the year, what happened. Long time ago, around 88, I was like 13 years old, seventh grade, went to St. Mary's cause, Italian family, very Catholic, got my communion, became an altar boy. I wasn't going to be one, but a buddy of mine said, if you're an altar boy, you get out of class a little early, so you don't got to be in class for too long. My second time was at a Sunday mass, full church, friends, parents there, just a small

church, small school. The whole school had like 120 people in it. So everyone knows everyone. Before the priest is out, the Father Joe, they have me go out, light the candles. Oh no. Huge Bible is, sitting right there in the podium, candle on each side, light it with the big stick, bell,

light the first one, the wick's supposed to be flush with the bell. Come over, wick's about an inch out, falls on the Bible. Ah! Oh! It's rice paper, that shit just burned right up. My, this is such a cartoon. It's like a home alone.

Yeah, totally. I'm a kid. I'm in panic mode. I'm like, shit, fuck, shit. Laughing is swearing. She's laughing in my mind. The whole church is like, oh, my God. Screaming. It's a Sunday mass. It is packed with old people.

Oh, no. So finally it goes out. A friend's dad who's in church comes up. I go to the priest chambers. The priest has no clue. He hasn't come out yet. They tell him. He just grabs a new Bible, acts like whatever. We go back out there as all the communion is getting given. I'm the crumb holder. So I'm holding that little glass pan when people get their communion. And as they come up, they look at me like I'm a demon. Everyone's fucking staring right in my eyes. My friend's parents, teachers, just staff. The priest tells my mom, I should bless your house after this,

because, you know, he burned the Bible. Oh, OK. OK. My mom's like, all right, come over. So it's on a Friday. She decides for the priest to come over, leaves me home from school. He comes full white gown, looking like a Pope. He brings a little child, it's like a wand

with a ball on the end with holy water in it. He blesses every room, living room, our dining room, just splashing holy water, kitchen. What is going on? What are humans doing? Yeah, exactly. Like what the fuck? Also the irony is that it's so close to witchcraft. They're so against it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So ritualistic. It's all the same thing. Yeah. You know, I'm a 13 year old kid, it's like, well, okay, I made a mistake. Whatever, right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Being a part of a royal family might seem enticing, but more often than not, it comes

at the expense of everything, like your freedom, your privacy, and sometimes even your head. Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery that pulls back the curtain on royal families past and present from all over the world to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty. Like the true stories behind the six wives of Henry VIII, whose lives were so much more than just divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. Or Esther of Burundi, a princess who fled her home country to become France's first black supermodel.

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legacies in royal history. Follow even the royals on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge even the royals ad-free right now on Wondery+. or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge Even The Royals ad free right now on Wondery Plus. What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you, it's too good

and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends, I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on. So follow, watch, and listen to Baby, This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We've all been there, turning to the internet to self-diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes. Though our minds tend to spiral to worst-case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery. Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated. Or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings

and seeing tigers on their ceilings. Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Bollin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast. It's called Mr. Bollin's Medical Mysteries. Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night. Follow Mr. Bollin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts. Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music. So, it's upstairs, three bedrooms, we had a small house, but they're all kind of right next to each other. Older brother, we shared a room.

He was going through his satanic phase. Yeah. Dio. Oh yeah. So he pops open our door. My mind didn't think he was going to go into any rooms and do the shit. My brother has a Necronomicon on his dresser. Wait, what's that? It's a satanic Bible. Oh, what a mixed household. This is we got a choir boy and a satanist. Yeah, he was going through a stage and then he had an inverted pentagram on his headboard upside down cross.

And at every corner of the wall, he had Leviathan, Lucifer, Satan and Belial, all four demons that ruled hell. The priest cocked his hand back with the holy water and looked at my mom, looked at me. He just walked out of the house. He's like, I would need a fucking bucket of this holy water to hose this place down. There wasn't enough holy water at all. He tells my parents I'm possessed. I need to see him three days a week.

They don't try to kick you out of this school though. Oh, they tried. If I didn't go and see him three days a week, I would have to leave. Oh my Lord. Ew. Nope. Oh, then I have to see him three days a week in his creepy chambers, which is dark as hell. It's wild.

So that passes. I couldn't do any altar boy stuff for a good six months. Finally, when I got the chance to again, me and my buddy went down there to do it in the chambers. We get everything ready, like the wine, the host, everything. Sounds like you're throwing a party. I know. I can't believe you still wanted to do it after all this.

We pocket some of the host and drink some of the wine. You don't know about any of this. Well, we bring it back into our classroom. We have good top desks. We're at recess. We come back in. My teacher decided classroom. We have flip top desks. We're at recess. We come back in. My teacher decided to look through all of our desks. He finds me and my buddy have just a shit ton of the host, the little wafers all in

our desks that we took. At that point, I am pure evil. They don't want me into school anymore. My trip got canceled to six flanks. Wow. Wow. Wow. What a crazy story. My trip got canceled to six flags. Wow. Wow. Wow. What a crazy story. I just love that. There's a satanist in the house and an altar boy that can't be beat. That's so eighties. That would never happen in the nineties.

I mean, that's something else to just go like, I'm really sorry. You're going to have to sleep in this room. Your brother's older and he picks the decor. Yeah, exactly. Satanist den. Oh, that's funny. Oh boy, well that was great, Rick. Thank you. Yeah, thanks for sharing that.

You are welcome, absolutely. Also, before we go, my wife, huge fan. Oh, would she like to say hi? Oh, she would love to say hi. You mind if I bring her in? Yeah, make sure you give her your headphones so she can hear us. Hi. Hi there. I am so excited. Yeah, make sure you give her your headphones so she can hear us. Hi.

Hi there. I am so excited. I have listened to you guys forever, every day. Shout out to my friend, Bobby Joe. Oh, that's so nice. Thank you. Nice to meet you. You too.

Monica, I have to say, I loved that you tried a Fijoa because I actually have a Fijoa tattoo on my arm. No way. It's like homage to a trip to New Zealand 10 years ago when I took my kids surfing there. So I was very excited. And I did enjoy it. Great taste.

Well, so nice to meet you. Please thank Rick for us. That was a great story. Yeah, he's nuts. Okay, take care. All right, thanks. Bye. He was so unique. Yeah, that was funny. I couldn't tell He was so unique. Yeah, that was funny.

I couldn't tell who was our narrator. Is he a rascal or, you know? Right, it turns out he was a rascal. He wasn't a good boy. Her friend, Bobby Joe, it's such a Midwestern name. I know, and the way she said it too. It was so like Fargo's. That was an older arm, Cherry.

Rick. God, we span. Well, he and I were the exact same age. Seventh grade, 88. Old. I'm cherry Rick. God we span well he and I were the exact same age seventh grade 88 old Actually probably valueless in the demographic. What's the demo two to six two to six years old? That's our full demographic It's a nice drink matcha we've traded cuz you got a coffee I got a Cappuccino and I got a matcha. That's a swap.

You've been getting matches. Yeah, I've been up in these streets getting matches. And I've been getting cups of chinos. Well, I guess there's nothing new to observe here. It's all old. Back to my internal ruminations. Hello. Hi.

Hello, it is 12 33 at night for me. Oh. Oh, it is. Where are you? I'm in Moscow, Russia. No way. Okay, so what fake name should we give you? Whatever you choose.

I think something really ironic. Ashley. Yeah, like a Southern name. Yeah, that's funny. Okay, so Ashley, you have a wild church story and you're currently in Moscow, which is blowing my mind. For some reason, I didn't even know if this was possible currently.

Listen, there's a lot of things that don't make sense about my life, so. I just kind of go with the flow at this point. Should I just get into the story? Let's hear it. Yeah, let's hear it. So it's not an actual church story, it's a monastery story. Ooh. Oh, okay. Let's do it. Yeah, let's hear it. So it's not an actual church story. It's a monastery story. Ooh.

Oh, okay. That's acceptable. A little bit of background. My grandpa is a priest. My dad is very religious. My parents are very religious. They would send me to a lot of church camps during my youth. So this story takes place at a church camp in California.

Oh. I grew up in California, which is why I listen to you guys and I speak English. Ah, oh wow. What age did you come to California? I was born there. I moved to Moscow at 18. Oh wow.

Okay, okay. All right, so this is a California church camp story. Didn't see that coming. Yeah. Exactly. It was my second time at this specific church camp. I had my kind of love of my life at the time. It was a very toxic cycle.

So I would see him every six months. I would just kind of get over him and then I'd see him again and the cycle would start again. That lasted for two and a half years. So I'm 16 at this church camp. It's like 110 degrees every day. You're wearing jeans, you're wearing t-shirts to do manual labor. At the time, it was me, my friend, Elizabeth, my friend, Sam, and my friend, John. So it was kind of a quadruple. So Elizabeth with John and then me with Sam.

Second to last day, Elizabeth and John got together. They did their shenanigans. And then the next day, the word gets to us. So, Sam, we're kind of hanging out in this hammock in this very peaceful place. Priests and monks are kind of among us. Are you canoodling? More or less, yes. Wow, right in public. Okay. At that point, there were no people around us, but people could walk in on us very, very easy.

We are hanging out and he's like, we gotta keep up. And we start making out whatever. And then at one point he's like, let's go somewhere more secluded. And this is kind of in the more mountainy region of California where they have the old gold mines. So we go up to a gold mine, we start making out,

and he's like, will you go down on me? I'm like, sure, but it's my first time. Okay, you said that, that was brave. I'm glad you said it. Most people try to act like they've done it, that's what I would have done, yeah. I like to be quite open with those kinds of things. So we figure it out, Mind you, it's not even

noon at this point. Wow, it's early morning delight. We finish our thing. We go have lunch among the priests, among the monks, as if nothing happened. Next day is the last day when parents start picking us up and everything. My dad comes to pick me up. I'm kind of saying bye to my friends. And then most of my friends leave at this point and I keep texting my dad. I'm like, hey, where are you?

What's up? What's happening? He doesn't respond. Another like half an hour goes by. I keep calling him. I keep texting him, nothing. At that point, I get pissed because I'm like, hey dad, what's up?

Like you came here to pick me up. I'm 16, I'm angsty. Another half hour goes by, I start getting worried. And then I see my dad coming out covered in dirt, covered in blood, covered in scratches, just looking miserable, frankly. I'm like, what happened? He likes to explore, he's been camping,

just very outdoorsy guy. I'm terrified of where this story's going, but continue. You should be. He tells me, he's like, I want to explore that specific cave, the one that I was at the day before. No. And I'm going around looking with my flashlight.

I don't notice that there is a hole in the floor. So he ends up falling through the floor. He tells me it's like 10 seconds at least, but you know, time gets distorted. So he tells me I'm falling through this old gold mine hole. Oh my god. And he's like, my life flashes in front of my eyes. And then eventually he lands in water. Oh my god. He's like, okay, if something happens, probably nobody will find him. And then eventually he tells me, I see this one beam of light. If there's a beam of light, that means there's an exit. So after like a half an hour, after climbing through the rocks, he kind of gets

out with minor scratches, minor injuries, gets back to me and just takes us home. But what that meant for me, I was punished by God for whatever I did the day before and that gave me trauma for about four years so I couldn't give that to anybody else. You caused that. You just make yourself asexual for the next four years. Not asexual, but still it left an impact. The stories we tell ourselves. I thought your conclusion was gonna be, wow, I could have fallen through the same area of the cave. I actually thought maybe your dad was gonna like find your underwear.

I thought he was gonna walk around the corner and see what was happening. And then I don't know why he got bloody. Maybe he fought the young man. I had a lot of options on the table. But this is classic religious guilt that that was the takeaway. You were responsible.

Yes. Everything's your fault, because you're bad. Yeah. Didn't really stop me from doing other bad things. In my teenage years, of course, I kept doing all sorts of stuff. Yeah, and then you just feel guilty,

and then you're in a cycle. Yeah. Exactly. And the funniest part was that next year, I met up with that same boy, the same toxic cycle, the same everything, and he's like, "'Do you wanna repeat what we did last year? I'm like, listen, dude, my dad nearly died last time.

I'm not trying to kill him this time. Yeah. Wow. Wow. That explanation has not often been given. What? At the request of Aura. Oh, sure.

Not too many people have heard, well, the last time I did that, I almost killed my father. Yeah, exactly. Oh, right, okay, of course. Oh, well, Ashley, that was quite an interesting twisty. Lots of turns. Twisty, turvy. I mean, you can probably assume

how the rest of my life went. I'm a California girl living in Moscow, Russia, so there's a lot of twists and turns. A lot of twists. Yes, a lot of twists and turns. Well, I'm so glad we got to talk to you. This has been a first for us and we love that you're listening.

I've been listening for like two years and once I got the email, I was just so happy. So thank you so much. Our pleasure. All right, take care. Have a good day or night. Have a good night. Have a good sleep.

You have a good day. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I was tripping out sometimes. I got this fantastical in my head. I'm like, well, I constantly am talking out about Putin. Constantly. Does this say like? Oh, you thought it was an infiltration? Yeah, like somehow they just hooked to our computer.

Oh God. You know, I had some kind of fantastical thoughts about espionage, which is crazy. Well, I told you to not say that. Say what? Oh Putin. Yeah. Well I've done it on Kimmel,

you know, right into the camera. Well you've done it here a lot and you say you wanna fight him and stuff. I do, I do understand by that. No, we'll cut that. I was like is she a double operative, is she a single operative? What's going on?

Is she allowed to call someone on Zoom in Russia right now? Right now I was surprised by that. Like does that mean anyone can communicate out of Russia with liberal media? I mean that seems crazy. Yeah probably, liberal media. Meaning minimally critical to Russia, Western media. Oh.

I wouldn't have thought it would be that easy to call the Washington Post from Russia and describe what's going on, but clearly you could. And I guess how would they? How would they know? But they do track stuff there. Yeah, but there's VPNs and there's, you know. Oh my God, I'm so scared.

Scared for her now. Yeah. Oh no. I felt like, are we betraying the Ukrainians? Exactly. Not her fault. My better angels was like, no, the people that live there. They didn't choose, a lot of them are,

we should have asked her if she was against Putin. And then said, then we can continue. Yeah. She can't even answer that question. Are you critical? What a fucking horrible situation. I also would not think you could listen to our show in Russia right now,

because he's trying to keep this narrative going that they're like defending themselves against Ukraine, which is such horseshit and no one agrees with that. They couldn't let that info get in, could they? Are the people not even interested to look? Maybe we should do a prompt on that for next month. Call us if you're a double operative. Wait, no, we should do,

call us if you've ever been undercover. But obviously they'll be anonymous, but that's good. I know, just what percentage of the country's been undercover than the odds that they listen to the show? What do you mean? I bet a lot of ex-CIA and stuff listen. Are there aren't, Sherri? I just don't know how we would get a full episode of that,

but I'm happy to put the prompt out. You never know when it's gonna be good. Kind of like a wild card prompt. Yeah, wild card plus if you've been undercover. I think you'd be surprised. Well, I'd love to be, let's do it. Get some like witness protection people. Yeah, exactly.

I think a lot of people would qualify. Some reporters go to school and then they put on incognitoes. Actors. No, not actors. Kevin Bacon went to art school in Utah to learn about Footloose. Ugh, I hate that movie. Oh, cut that.

Wait. You don't want Footloosers coming after you? You hate Footloose? Yeah, I don't like that movie. The original? Well, it's not the movie. I hate that song. Okay.

No, why are you? Oh, I just want, there's a lot of songs in it. No, the main one. Yeah, okay. I got you. Because another popular song from that movie was, No, why are? Oh, I just want, there's a lot of songs in it. No, the main one. Yeah, okay. I got you. Cause another popular song from that movie was I need a hero.

Oh yeah, I know. For the tractor scene. Na na na na. And he's gotta be strong and he's gotta be. Gotta give it. You like that one though, right? It's fine. Yeah, it's fine.

I don't like it all that much either, but I don't dislike it. What happened just now? If it's infiltrated, it's already happened. Oh, there's no going back. Yeah. Oh my God. Whatever happened, happened.

I hope she whispered some messages at the end of it after she left. That activate. Stop, you guys, they can hear us. All right, here's Melissa. Oh man. What if Melissa. Oh, man. What if Melissa's Ukrainian? Hi.

Hello. Hi. Oh, wonderful, we can hear you. You're in a closet. How are you? I'm great, how are you? Really, really good. We just had a real giggle before we signed on with you.

Oh, I love that. Yeah, sometimes we get the giggles and it just happened. Do you mind if we ask where you're from? Do you wanna guess? I love when you guys guess. Yeah, you're rarely asking this question. I was just wondering if you by chance were from Ukraine. Oh, that's, okay.

Okay. No. Okay. Okay. All right. I'm not. I wouldn't have guessed that. That wouldn't have been my guess. Okay, what's your guess? Let's chat a little more.

You're in this closet. It's yours, I presume. Yeah, it's very guess? Let's chat a little more. You're in this closet. It's yours, I presume. Yeah, it's very organized. It is mine. It's a very small closet. Okay, you're Midwest. You're not Southern. You're not East Coast.

You're not, yeah. Okay, Wisconsin? No, Illinois. No, but I'm in Northern Kentucky. Oh! Oh! Right across from Cincy? Right across from good old Cincinnati. Okay, yes. Kentucky to me is the south.

It is, but the first five miles of northern Kentucky is really Cincinnati suburbs. So you would never think of Cincinnati as the south, right? No. But then that blue grass starts. Then the blue grass starts, God's country as they say. Although that's not where I'm from, and it's not where the story takes place.

I'm from San Diego. Oh, nice. Oh wow. Very neutral. Right around the corner from us. Yes. Is that where the story takes place? It sure is. Oh, great.

Let's hear it. The story takes place in San Diego, at a church, obviously. This is a church story. And we're going back to 1997. Okay, great. Fast math. Monica's 10 and I'm 22.

Whoa, that sounds weird. And I'm about 12. Okay. Right in the middle. Right in the middle, 12 years old, and my family lived about three houses away from our church growing up. So we were like very involved. We could walk there.

My mom sang in the choir. So we knew lots of people and it was just like a really special, great community. So I was an altar server growing up. So I would help with the service and get everything ready and carry the book, all the things. So one Sunday I'm sitting kind of on the side of the congregation and so I can see everybody and I can see everything. And I'm sure I'm daydreaming or thinking about something else and I hear someone crying. It's not like a moved by the spirit kind of cry,

it's like a sob. It's like someone's not well. And I kind of like look around and I'm checking it out. This is like not normal behavior either. So I look around and I see this really old man and he's sitting kind of in the front and he's sitting by himself and he's just sobbing. Oh, I hate this story.

It starts sad. And gets sadder. Oh. We all go our merry way starts sad. And gets sadder. Oh. Oh. We all go our merry way. We come back the next week. I'm there again. Same thing, almost like same time, same channel.

Sobbing again. Oh. So I'm like, something is not right with this poor man. Like, I'm not really sure what it is. So I go home, I remember talking to my mom. My little 12 year old heart is just broken for this poor guy. So anytime my mom would sense conflict or if we needed to express our feelings, she'd be like, why don't you just write a letter?

So she's like, well, why don't you write him a letter and see what he says? So I write him this letter and I don't even know what like a 12 year old offers to like a 70 year old man. I don't remember what I put. I'm sure I put something like, hey, I see you here every week and I see that you're really upset. If there's anything I can do for you, I'll pray for you. Oh, this is so sweet. So I remember giving it to him the following week. He was there. Same thing. I think I just gave it to him kind of scurried away. I'm sure it was nervous. So then the following week I see him again and he comes up to me after church and he's still crying. And he

tells me that his wife died and she was the one who would typically go to church and sometimes he'd go with her, but like not often. And she loved it. So he felt like really close to her being there. And it was just like very emotional for him. And so we just became friends. I sort of adopted this old man. It's like an adopted grandparent. This is like a movie. This is like a sweet, sweet movie. And as we get to know each other, I learn how just distraught he is over the loss of his wife. And he would spend all of his days at the cemetery.

He would sit there. And I remember going with him one time to her gravesite after church one Sunday. We like went together and he was like listening to tapes of her voice in his car. Like he was just just so sad. So I remember he came to my eighth grade graduation and we'd take him cookies at Christmas. When I would see him, I would sit with him. We sort of lost touch through high school, but I sent him a graduation announcement, all the things.

We'd kind of keep in touch here and there. So then fast forward to 2011. I get home from work. Now I'm out of college, check the mail and I have this big envelope in the mail from an attorney. And I'm like, this is weird. Oh, I fucking love where this is going. Me too, but don't say it. So I open the letter and inside I learned that my friend had passed away. And the reason

I learned that was because in his will, he left me $5,000. Oh, this is so sweet. It was really sweet. I was like, so blown away. And I kind of vaguely remember him saying like, I want to help you pay for college. But I was young and he was old and I didn't take him seriously or anything. So I was shocked and I wrote another letter classic to his family because I was the only person not in his family in his will.

So they're probably like, who the hell is this girl? Sure, like cause of family crisis. It was his woman. Yeah. So I like wrote them a card and just said, so sorry for your loss. I really loved getting to know your father. And when I saw the prompt, I was like, I want them to hear like a happy church story.

Yes. Y'all had all kinds of crazy church stories. Yes, I love this. We needed this one. Yeah, we really did. We needed a palate cleanser. That's so sweet. Your parents must've been so proud.

I gotta tell you, my kids do things like that, oh my God, nothing makes me happier. Well, I had great parents and great community, so takes a village to all the good people. Oh, what a pleasure meeting you, Melissa. That was really beautiful. Yes, thanks for sharing that. That was lovely.

Yeah, thank you. And I just, I gotta do my shout outs. I gotta have my fan girl moment if that's okay. Of course. I wanna shout out to my bestie, Kristen, who's my best friend, Erin Weekly. Everybody needs one and I'm so grateful I have mine. We chat about you guys all the time and all the umbrellas.

I loved all the race to 35 to 270. Oh, how fun. Saved all of it. Thank you. I love getting new perspective from you guys and I think it's so important that we all hear from all kinds of people and I just love what you guys do. I'm so grateful and I feel like you guys are old friends.

It's so crazy to talk to you. Well right back at you sincerely, like the perspective you just gave is so valuable. It's not my perspective and it's so legitimate and valuable and beautiful. And I like being reminded of it. Yeah, I just think it's so special. We always have to dialogue with the same kinds of people and I don't believe everything you guys believe in vice versa, but I learn so much. It challenges me in good ways and in hard ways.

It's just special. I think we all need to do that more. Oh my goodness. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. I love that compliment. That's a really good compliment. Yeah.

All right, well take care. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Holy. Oh, I love that. What a great way to end it. Oh, I love that. What a great way to end it. That sad man. If Putin was coming for us and he heard

that he might change his mind, that might be how we got out of this situation. That's very optimistic. That's an optimistic take on a horrible dictator. What if this whole thing, we actually turned his heart, then we would get our, what's the word I wanna win win? A Peabody.

Peabody. Jesus Christ. Oh. If we grinched Putin's heart, that'd be worth a Peabody. That'd be worth it. I want to stop talking about him. Okay. Okay, that was love you.

I love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions,

and with the help of Armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, I'm dish. On the flyer, I'm dish. Enjoy. On the fire, rhyme-dish On the fire, rhyme-dish Enjoy