Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Failed Romantic Pursuit

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a failed romantic pursuit. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade First Home Savings Account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dick Harrington.

I'm joined by Peggy Putzto. Hello. Hi there. I think people can listen to this one for a change. This is, of course, Failed Romantic Pursuits. Yes, you can listen. Yay, yay. Finally, we got one you can listen to.

You cannot listen to next week's. Oh, is it next week's? I don't know. Well, an upcoming episode. I don't even know why we'll put it out. Oh, God. You can listen to most of it, just not the last one. That's true.

You'll be able to listen to three of the four, but we're not there yet. We're not there yet. Today you can listen. Failed Romantic Pursuits, which you are free to listen to and enjoy. Please do. Shane, are we talking to Shane? You're talking to Shane. And Shane, you're a fan of Max Verstappen, I see.

I am. I actually went to Monza. No! With the Tifosi this past weekend, yeah. How was it? It was a blast to see him win the record. And then the Ferrari fans are just a time. And we got to rush the racetrack after, which is a good time. The entire crowd gets on the track and walks the track, right?

Yes. I've been listening to the F1 podcast. It's been like a pre-race weekend ritual, and it's been really fun. I'm really enjoying it. Oh, thank you. I'm so happy to hear that. We're going to keep doing it. Where are you at in the country? So I'm currently in Boston, but I'm originally from Los Angeles. Boy, let me put my thinking cap on. If you're from Los Angeles and you're employed in Boston, you're in education. No. What field are you in? I'm in software sales. Oh, okay. Shane, you have an embarrassing failed romantic pursuit. I think it fits the bill pretty well. Okay. Please walk us through it. This story takes place in the summer of 2010 in Los Angeles. I was entering my freshman year of high school. I had just grown a few inches. I used to have the Justin Bieber, Zac Efron,

flippy haircut. That's now gone. So I'm feeling good. I'm feeling optimistic. And over the summer, my friends and I would go to the beach and we met a group of girls, a girl in particular I grew to have a massive crush on. And for the sake of the story, we will call her Rachel. Rachel. And what beach were you guys hanging at? I'm curious. I'm from the South Bay. Manhattan, Redondo, all that?

Yeah, they get pretty packed. So there's a lot of activity there. We met this friend group a few times. And I think it's worth noting the high school dynamic at this stage. Rachel and her friend group are a year above me. And I would very much classify them as your kind of cliche popular clique. And did they go to your high school? Yes, they went to my high school. Oh, wonderful. Okay. And then I'm the year below.

And I would not categorize myself as part of that in crowd, but I had friends in that group. I was an athlete. I think, Monica, I've heard you. Scholar athlete. It's a very specific niche. Yes, I was in AP classes. I was a competitive soccer player. I took some drama classes. You're like close, but not quite there. So it's not the

most outlandish concept that you could maybe win someone over, but still very much the outside. I muster up the courage. I eventually get her number. We start texting. Things are going well. It's a little flirty, nothing crazy. And then right when things would otherwise be picking up, I have to go abroad because my travel soccer team qualified for an international soccer tournament in Europe. Oh my gosh, what a charmed life. You're hanging at the beach in the day, you're going to Europe, you're hanging out with people cooler than you somehow. This is a home run so far.

For now. So I get the chance to go abroad. Obviously, it's a good opportunity. But my mindset is just like, things were just getting going. How am I going to try to continue up the conversation with Rachel? So this was 2010. Like, Snapchat wasn't a thing. You couldn't do international call texting. At

least I couldn't. And so I decide I'm going to reach out to her over Facebook when I get to Europe. So we get there. And the way the setup breaks down, there is just a single communal desktop computer that we all have to share. It was meant to be used for us to like send messages home to our parents. And we were only given an hour of free time a day because we were playing. So I say, you know, what a great opportunity to send Rachel a message over Facebook and see if I can keep the spark going.

So I send her a note, don't think anything of it. Next day, 24 hours goes by, I hop on, I see a notification from Rachel and it is a fully fledged, formal, romantic love letter that she has written me. It says, dear Shane, it's like two to three paragraphs of her just telling me how much she likes me, how she can't wait for me to get back. And I'm just beaming. Oh, you're singing. Yeah, floating. I'm like, things could not be going better. How many times did you read it?

20? I think I read through it a few times, but I have a line of teammates behind me just waiting their turn. They see it though. So, you know, some are hyping me up, some are busting my chops, and I'm just over the moon.

So I decide I'm going to continue the bit, and I write her back a very formal, sappy love letter. Dear Rachel, it's a few paragraphs long. I'm sharing my affection for her, et cetera. So this continues the entire two weeks that I'm there. Every single day, back and forth, a love letter. And in preparation for this call, I went back and I found all of them. Oh my gosh. And as you can imagine, it's the cringiest thing that you could read. I hope no one has to see the game they thought they were spitting in high school. Yeah. You're in ninth grade. Yeah. It's very dramatic. You'd have thought I was like off at war or something. Yeah. My state of mind is very much, I'm going to go back home.

I'm going to get this girl to be my girlfriend. I'm entering high school, dating an older girl. I'm on top. Like things cannot be going better. So I get back. I send her a message to meet up and it's just radio silence. I'm a little nervous, but I think, okay, I'm sure something happened. I'll wait a few days.

I try to reach out again. I don't hear from her. So I go back on Facebook. I send her a message and the tone is very different than what it had been at this point. She's making up excuses. She said her phone got taken away. And at this stage, it's very clear to me that something is up, but I don't truly understand what is going on. Oh, no.

Later this week, I go online, and I see her post a photo with a new boyfriend. Yeah. Older, popular, in crowd, kind of just what you'd expect. Your worst nightmare. Richard O'Carney type. I'm gutted. Did I say something?

Did I ever really have a chance? Was I out of my league, et cetera? Yeah. So I kind of just let it go. And I think, all right, can't get any worse, right? School starts and there's a big back to school event. And while I'm there, I see one of her friends and she makes eye contact with me.

And I can tell she's a little nervous. And while I'm there, I see one of her friends and she makes eye contact with me. And I can tell she's a little nervous. And she beelines over to me and she pulls me aside and she goes, Shane, I have to tell you something. And of course, my heart's just racing at this point. And she goes, you haven't been messaging Rachel the past few weeks. And I say, what do you mean? Was I messaging you? And she goes, no, not just me,

our entire friend group. So it turns out I was getting catfished by the entire group of girls that we met over that summer. And there was just a revolving door of catfish messages going over to me. Oh, this is so cruel. It is. That's like evil. Yeah. What did you do? You obviously wanted to die. I hope you punched her right in the fucking face. I mean, I just want to crawl under a rock at this point.

God, you already have heartbreak. Like you're sitting there playing through every interaction. This is evil. Where did I tip it? Where did I jump the shark? You're already in purgatory in your own mind. And then that. Yeah.

High school can be tough. And people found out about it. But it eventually cycled out of the high school abyss of gossip and news. And yeah, it's not something I like talking about. I don't like admitting that you get catfished. But this was 2010 too. This is like pre-Montiteo. This wasn't a phrase

that people really knew about. Well, even for Monti didn't know. He's like, you got to remember catfish didn't come out until after my thing. Exactly. So it's not something I was even considering

or worrying about, but yeah, that's a story. Went after a crush and got catfished by her entire friend group. Oh, Shane. That's awful. I hate those people.

I hope she won't even know what to say. I hope she's dead. I don't know what goes through a teenage girl's mind. I hope that beautiful boy she was with is also passed. Everyone's dead. I hope everyone's passed. Wait, did the original girl know? I assume they were together, sent the first message, saw how I responded, and then just sort of ran with it.

Yeah, it was too good for them to resist in ninth grade. Well, they're in tenth grade. I can already tell you what the silver lining is because now we've spoken with you for 20 minutes. You have an incredible smile. You're very intelligent and articulate. You did a great job. Yes, and I'm quite certain you landed on your feet romantically. Is that a safe assumption?

It is. Actually, if you guys will indulge me, my girlfriend is the reason I started listening in the first place, and she was hoping to say hello. Oh, get her in here. Get her in. Hello. Oh, my God. You're so cute. I know.

Look at the two of them. Oh, thank you. Thanks for letting Shane unpack that with you guys. The first time he told me this story was because he submitted it. He had not shared with anyone. Oh, it's the sweetest story. A lot of people have stories like this. And so it's good that you shared it because maybe people aren't too afraid.

I have a similar one. You do? Well, kind of. Yeah. How kind of? I'm a little nervous that you're not very similar. No, it is tell me tell me well i feel bad because the people in the story are still two very close friends but they called

me oh on three way yeah on three way and one was silent and the other one baited you yeah she said oh i guess i'll just say change the names okay margaret it was gonna be hard margaret was on silent and sheila was on voice and sheila was like margaret's crush alex told her today that he was in love with you and she's really upset they blew out this whole story and it was all fake oh my lord and it was really upsetting it's like haha i'm here too and it's all this funny joke and i was like what like now i was tricked someone i thought likes me doesn't like me i mean it was all awful that was a very popular thing when i was in junior high because three-way was brand new and you'd get a call and it'd be James and

he'd say, so-and-so said you were a fucking asshole. And then you would naturally be like, well, he's a fucking asshole. And then he'd be on the phone. Right. It was more to like bait you into being mean. Well, none of it's nice. These things happen. How long have you guys been an

item? Four and a half years. Yeah, four and a half years. Oh my God, you're so cute together. It's crazy. And they're dead and you guys are cute and alive. Yes, and you live in Boston. You go to Monza and everything worked out and you're playing soccer internationally.

Oh no. Rachel's a turd. She blew it. Well, so nice meeting you guys. What a beautiful, lovely, heartbreaking story. I really appreciate it. Thanks. I did want to jump in really quickly and just say to Monica.

I mean, I love both of you, obviously. But Monica, you've been a huge inspiration to me personally, professionally. I tell everyone to listen to Race to 35 and now Sing. So this is the craziest thing ever. And I'm so glad I got to say hello. That is so sweet. Thank you so much. Well, thank you guys so much.

We appreciate you taking the time. Oh, it's so fun. Be well. Good luck with everything. I'm rooting for both of you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.

Bye-bye. Oh my God, they're so cute. Oh my God, they're so cute and like pretty. I loved the way they looked. Me too. I like how their teeth looked. I hope they kiss each other often and like pretty. I loved the way they looked. Me too. I like how their teeth looked. I hope they kiss each other often and passionately. Hello. Oh my gosh. This is wild. Look at this perfectly sound dampened room you're in. It looks

great. Thank you. I actually do a little bit of music recording and sound work myself. It's a homemade space. There's some down blankets tacked onto the wall, but it does the trick. How good are you at wielding that axe? I'm mostly a piano player, but I do custom songs with a company called Songfish for people to give as presents, like for birthdays and anniversaries and stuff.

Oh, that's neat. Sometimes that requires a little bit of strumming, so I muck through. And what's the most amount of songs you wrote in a day? I have done three in a day. Oh, that's neat. Sometimes that requires a little bit of strumming, so I muck through. And what's the most amount of songs you wrote in a day? I have done three in a day. Okay. It's my side gig, but it's fun.

It's a good creative outlet. I bet. Yeah. And it's a great muscle to be working all the time. Okay. Where are you at in the country? I'm actually in Newfoundland, Canada. Oh, my God. I had a hunch when I said country that was presumptive, and it was.

Okay. So you had a failed romantic encounter. I did. I will say at this point in my life, I think all of my romantic pursuits have been failed. I have been married almost 20 years, but he pursued me. But it's all ending great. Okay, we love that. It turned out the way it should.

But I don't have any game. I never did. It's just not something that I have in my toolbox. So this story takes place in the year 2000. I was 16 years old and I was in grade 11. I need to just kind of set the stage by just letting you know how little game I had. just kind of set the stage by just letting you know how little game I had. When I was in the seventh grade, I liked a boy and I thought the best way to get his attention was to dress like him. Oh, wow. Okay. Well, they do say that imitation is the greatest form of flattery.

That's what I thought. I just in my mind, I was like, if I just show up wearing the same shirt that he's wearing, then he's just going to see me and he's going to be like, who is this goddess in men's clothing who walks among us? It didn't work. By the time I got to the 11th grade, my bag of tricks had not improved. So I still thought that the best way to get a boy's attention was to kind of Trojan horse my way into the boys club. Uh-huh. This is common. Yeah.

I think I went too far in, though. My ethnographic study was too precise, and I got a little too far in. I really think they just viewed me as a man. Because you talked about how much you love titties and stuff all the time. Well, I got really into WWE. Oh, okay. That was one of my ways in. Oh, wonderful.

So I gave out valentines that year that had Ric Flair on them. And they said, I hope your valentine's day is woo. Oh, wow. Which I thought was just so charming. And so I really like this boy. I'm going to call him Brad. Since I did grow up in a very, very small place, Anyone who listens to this will probably know anyone I'm talking about. But I had a big crush on him.

And so one of the ways that I would try to get his attention was by actually wrestling with him and wrestling with the boys. Sure. But because I had assimilated so far into the boyhood, I didn't get wrestled with in the flirty kind of fun way that boys wrestle with girls. I got wrestled with like I was a boy. Okay. It was rough and tumble. I just picture you in a headlock. Like, what is this plan? I'm in a full Nelson. Exactly. Except I'm like, he's touching me. Yeah. I think I feel his pelvis. Oh my God. I'm so fulfilled. It was a rough plan, but it was working for me at the time. I felt like I was at least getting some attention. And we were all standing around in our hallway of our high school one day.

I think it was like recess or lunch, and we were just hanging out. And there was a group of us, and Brad was there. And so I tried to egg him on to wrestle with me. Looking back on it in hindsight, I think maybe he was getting irritated, but I did not pick up on that at the time. Okay. Basically, I was threatening him that I was going to put him in a DDT. Are you familiar?

No. Tell us about the DDT. Okay. So the DDT is kind of like you're going to put someone in a headlock, except their head is going to be sticking out the back of your arm. Okay. Kind of like a reverse headlock. Yeah.

With the DDT in WWE, you'll tap the person on the back, and then you fall backwards. Okay, and break their neck. Oh. Sure. That's the ultimate goal, I guess. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan.

And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub. And of course, a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel. At BMO, we know every business is unique. I'm Massimo Lekas. I opened Stellina, an Italian fine dining restaurant, last year. You have unique goals. We're always inspired to keep creating.

And I've been thinking about opening a Stellina sister restaurant. And need unique business banking tools to help you get there. With BMO's Cashback Business Mastercard, I get more cash back on my restaurant expenses. Thank you. The best adventures are the ones we share. So explore together with the 2023 Defender 130, featuring increased cargo capacity and room for eight adults. With unstoppable off-road capability, excellent on-road dynamics, 21st century connectivity, and luxury interiors, you'll be capable of great things. The 2023 Defender 130. Adventure. Share widely. Contact your Land Rover authorized dealer for details. So we had played this many times, but the key to playing it is that you don't put the head all the way through the crook of the arm because then it's not sticking out the other side, so it can't get injured. Right.

So on this particular day, I just kept egging him on and was trying to get him to wrestle with me, and I was saying that I was going to put him in this DDT, and I thought I was just so fun and flirty with my WWE references. It was just so fun and flirty with my WWE references. And he finally kind of snuck attack on me and did a DDT on me. Oh. All of this happened in about three seconds. So I'm in this. And while I'm in it, I know my head is too far into the crook of the arm. Oh. I have this thought.

head is too far into the crook of the arm. Oh. I have this thought, but before I can say anything or do anything, I get the two taps on the back, and he falls backwards, and I crash my head off of the hallway floor.

Oh, fuck. Right where, like, a baby's soft spot would be. Oh, my God. Well, better than your face, I think. Well, but brain. I was expecting like teeth missing at the end of this. More of a concussion. Yeah, so I have a vague memory of him saying, oh, I hit her.

That's the only thing I remember him saying. And then everything went black. Knocked out cold. Oh, God. There's just a limp body in the hallway now? Oh, my God. Just a limp body in the high school hallway, surrounded by people. A bunch of dudes that are like, you're getting expelled.

Why'd you do that? All of a sudden, they're like, she's a girl. No one was saying it before, but now it's quite obvious. Which is the realization I was wanting them to have the whole time, which is they wake up one day and be like, she's a girl. Let's date her. So what I remember after that is, you know, like in a movie when someone wakes up and there's like a circle of heads around them. Like when you open your eyes.

So this is what I saw was, you know, a circle of my friends. Brad, not among them. So I sat up and I could see him standing in the corner, pale as a ghost with his hand over his mouth, absolutely mortified about what just happened. I was okay. I did not want any more attention that day. And unfortunately, Brad never touched me again. Oh, no. Did he talk to you again, though? Were you friends at least? We were awkward friends after that. Yeah. I think it was just such a bad look for him, and he didn't know what he was getting into when he did that. He got very confused by all that. No one knew what to do with that. I think it was just such a bad look for him and he didn't know what he was getting into when he did that.

He got very confused by all that. No one knew what to do with that. Yeah, and you did force him to do it. I wasn't able to say that, but I'm glad you brought that up.

Or you like really pushed him hard to do it. I would have, maybe even potentially emasculating him in public. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what I had for flirting was masculinity and emasculating him in public. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what I had for flirting was masculinity and emasculation.

Oh, God. Oh, Kathy, I love you. I'm so glad that you found a husband who pursued you and took that off your shoulders. Yeah, and it's been working out 20 years. Yeah, he's pretty fantastic. I've got to say, I got into the podcast right from the start because he actually went away to recovery in 2018.

Oh, okay. He went to rehab for three months, and so I was home with our boys, and it was a pretty lonely time for me. And I got into the podcast and kind of heard about your story, Dax, and about your recovery. And we actually were separated for a bit that year, but we've since reconciled and we are going on 20 years. We're going to celebrate this month, actually. Oh, that's incredible. I'm so happy to hear that. And it was just so cool to be able to get the perspective

of somebody who's been in that world when I didn't have that at the time. So I really appreciate that. So thank you. Oh my God, my pleasure. Yeah, I think it's helpful to hear someone talk about that you don't have all this baggage with. You most certainly were probably harmed by his behavior. So it puts you in a very interesting position to try to evaluate everything.

Absolutely. The only time in life that we've ever sat together and listened to a podcast together was you talking about relapse. And we just sat together and we held hands and we listened to it. And Monica, yours and Kristen's response to that was so eye-opening to me and really helped me as somebody who is raving codependent and recovering from that as well. You guys sharing your lives with us makes a difference for very real people in the middle of the North Atlantic Sea somewhere you probably didn't even know existed. Thank you so much.

No, thank you. Yeah, boy. I really appreciate that. Thank you, Kathy. Would I be able to just grab him for a second? Yes, of course. I hope he comes in and he's dressed identical to you. We should have planned it that way.

Like that was his kink. That's his thing. Oh, man. Hello that was his kink. That's his thing. Oh, man. Hello there. My man crush. I'm flattered. This is a flattering man crush. Yeah, he should be your man crush.

I know. You look kind of like a rugby player slash maybe MMA fighter. It's a very good look. I do jujitsu. Oh, wonderful. You got that thick neck. Yeah. We just heard a bit of your story.

So it's really touching that you guys have been along for the whole ride. I'm very happy for you to have found recovery. It's so fucking great. Oh, man, it's amazing. And I didn't think it would stick at first, you know, as you can imagine. But it's been really good. And, you know, your podcast has been phenomenal. So many resources and things that helped along the way.

It was really great. Oh, thank you so much. We love Kathy's story. It was incredible. And we're just damn delighted you're up there in Newfoundland listening. So, so great to meet you both. Yeah, both of you. And good luck with everything.

So nice to meet you guys. Yeah, thank you so much. All right. Take care, everybody. All right. Bye-bye. Take care, guys. Oh, man. We don't you. Thank you so much. All right. Take care, everybody. Bye. All right. Bye-bye. Take care, guys. Oh, man.

Oh, man. We don't deserve it. Stop saying that. I do. You do. Yeah, you do. Yes, you do. Stop it.

I'm going to... Well, hold on. I'm going to give you a 10. When she said you're not... You're always trying to give me a 10. Kind of codependent. She didn't mean hit me. Yes, she did.

That's what she said. She said hit more. Oh, I liked that story from Kathy. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D.D. D. what she said. She said, hit more. Oh, I liked that story from Kathy. D-D-T. Dressing like I'm going to give you, think how many times she probably said, I'm going to give you a D-D-T before he snapped. Hello.

Hello. Oh, good. You can hear us. We can hear you. It's Dan and Lily. Dan and Lily are here. I'm so excited to see you guys. Where are you at, Chris? I am in Ottawa, Canada. We just got off the phone with someone in Newfoundland. It's Canadian Day.

We love our Canadian listeners. Oh, our friends to the north. Does your failed romantic pursuit take place in Ottawa? It actually takes place in Toronto. Okay, that's a great place for a failed romantic pursuit. Please set the stage for us. Okay, so like a little backstory. I'm a dance instructor by trade, ballroom Latin, and I was at a competition in Niagara Falls, Ontario. While at that competition, I noticed another instructor from another school who very much

caught my eye. Can I ask through the dance moves or just the physical package? What was it? It was her physical package plus what I assumed to be her emotional package. I loved her immediately because I created a version of who I thought she was. Of course. As we all do. So at the end of that competition, all the teachers usually get together and have like

a little shindig like, hooray, we did it. Because they're kind of grueling sometimes. Okay. And my plan was to start something. So I initiated a chat with this lovely young lady and it went great. We had a great conversation. It was lovely. Is this the kind of mixer where there's drinks?

There were drinks involved. Okay, great. Is dancing an option at this venue? For sure it is. But like, we're all pretty danced out. Okay. So we didn't dance, but we did chat and it was great. We live a little bit apart. She's about like a four hour commute away from me. We exchanged phone numbers the following weeks and months. We talk a lot. It goes from about once a week

to pretty much every day. It's just effortless chat. It's lovely. You guys have rhythm. Yes, we do. We were in the right profession. Yeah. So about two months

after our initial encounter, I say, hey, we should meet in Toronto. It's about halfway in between the two of us for a fun little date. We went to a Toronto Blue Jays game. It was an afternoon game. So then afterwards, I got us some dinner reservations at a place I hadn't been before. But I read online that the courtyard area of this particular restaurant was very romantic, kind of isolated. So I called them. I requested the most isolated romantic booth possible. So we get there. Everything's going pretty great up to this point. Sit down, order our appetizers, order a round of drinks. And I noticed that above me in one of the beautiful

trees that make this place so secluded, there's a bird. Think very little of it beyond that. We start having our appetizers and I feel something hit me like in the bridge of my nose. Oh, wow. Bullseye. Kind of explode across my visage. I don't know what it is, but when I look at my date, I realize it's something bad. She's looking disgusted. I then remember that I have never actually been to this restaurant. I don't know where anything is.

I haven't been inside yet. And I have no idea what to do. Thankfully, at this moment, our server comes by, sees my predicament, and escorts me to the bathroom. Apologizes, I mean, out of his control. But it was obviously a bird had shat on my face. But directly on your face. Directly on my nose. Yeah.

She wasn't laughing. I've been shit on the neck and the shoulder she should have never the face i know direct it oh my god that's a career ender that's interesting that she didn't giggle she should have giggled i'm mad at her because it was our first in-person encounter we weren't quite at the like giggle at the other person's expense. Sure. Right. She might have been nervous you were going to be very embarrassed and get violent. I hope she wasn't worried I was going to get violent. But she was

definitely worried I would be embarrassed. Maybe towards the bird. I would have wrung that bird's neck. No! So the waiter does a great job, cleans everything up. It had only hit my face a little bit on my shirt, a little in our drinks and food.

Oh my God. That bird was having trouble. No, that bird had a anger issue, I think. Blowout. Maybe that bird hated that restaurant's location. I think it's just that the bird's sitting there eating so much of the scraps that it was too full.

Yes, yes, yes. Maybe he or she knew that I would have to leave the table and the food would be right. Yeah. Could have been tactical. It's tough to get into the mind of a bird. It is, but we should try. The server replaces all of our stuff. It's all good. And the bird is still there. I say to the server, should we move maybe? Should we move tables? Because that bird is still right in the same spot

that it was. And the server is like, no, no, don't worry. He already shed on you. Yeah, he only sheds once every two hours. How improbable it would happen again. Feels improbable. However, it wasn't that improbable because about 10 minutes later Almost in the exact same spot

But a little higher up This time it hits my forehead This bird Shits again This time it like covers my hair It's just Everywhere I'm now like pretty mad.

I'm like as mad as Dax was after the first time. I stand up and say, are you happy? You cock blocker. I know where the bathroom is by this point. Waiters like, Oh, it's you.

Yes. Me again. Go clean myself off. But I feel like either the image of me covered in bird shit twice in a row or a grown man screaming at a bird. Something fizzled the romantic flame in that moment. Oh, yeah. And that was the end of our romance. That sucks.

That's not even your fault. You know, I would suggest also a third option, which is I'm ignoring an omen here. She might have been like, how many signals do I need? This guy's been shit on twice. She might have seen it as like a signal from the universe. This isn't a good match. Right. I'm trying to think what I would think if my date got shit on twice.

First of all, I would be laughing. Secondly, I would never have stayed. At the table. At the table. But I understand. I i understand i'm not saying that you're it's not your fault it's servers no my fault bad move shit on me once shame on you shit on me twice shame on me that's the same oh bummer i heard that being shat on by a bird was good luck so i was hoping she would take that angle although who's to say that you didn't avoid getting a very stubborn std very true maybe it was good luck maybe that bird shit prevented him from hooking up with her and getting a long-lasting stubborn we don't know that about her we don't but if there's a good luck okay you're right maybe we just don't know what the good luck was.

Could have been a toxic relationship. I really like that angle. Yeah. That bird might have looked at you guys and went, this is going to end poorly. I got to get my bro out of this. I'm going to fucking defecate all over him the whole meal. He was like a super bro. I got you, man.

She has got a long lasting thing that you don't want to deal with. Yep. I'm going to get you out of this, Chris. Just stay right where you're at so I can get a bullseye. We're still friends to this day. We did maintain a relationship, but the romance factor, it died that day. Well, what a spectacular way for it to die. At least you got a good story.

I think a lot of people like it just gets snuffed out and then you're left to wonder what went wrong and drive yourself mad. We know exactly what went wrong. I can pinpoint the moment. Yes. Yes. Oh, well, Chris, I'm so sorry that you got shit on twice in the face. That's really rough. It's okay. It's about a 10 year old story. I've gotten over it. I've forgiven all birds. You start thinking the universe is conspiring against you a little bit. But again, I think you might've been saved. Yeah, we don't know. I think you were saved. I really like this approach and that's how I'm going to remember it from now on. I'm going to ask her if she has any STDs. You should. 10 years ago. When we were on that date, did you have a stubborn and long-lasting? Did you have one that you still have? Have you been suffering for the last 10 years with an STD

that you haven't told me about? Well, Chris, great meeting you. Thanks so much for telling us that story. I'm so happy to see you. I love the way you create space for people to feel comfortable talking about the shit on the face moments of life. I think you're doing a beautiful thing. Can I give a little shout out? Of course. My friend Brittany, she is an OG armchair. She was listening from episode one and trying to convince me to listen. I'm not usually a Hollywood interview kind of guy. So I did not believe that I would like it at all. Finally gave it a chance and I am hooked. I will never miss an episode. You're a huge part of my week.

There was an episode a while back that got delayed. My Monday was empty. Letterman, Letterman, yeah. I was in withdrawal. Thank you guys so much. Thank you, Brittany, for recommending it. Yeah, Brittany. Thank you, Brittany.

Big ups to Brittany for proselytizing. Keep converting, Brittany. Great recommending it. Yeah, Brittany. Thank you, Brittany. Big ups to Brittany for proselytizing. Keep converting, Brittany. Great meeting you. And thank you so much for the story. Thank you guys so much. Fun. I like love and taking swings. They don't always work out, but you just got to take swings.

We've all had them. We've all had these misses. It's part of life. I'm trying to think if I have a big miss. I'd have to mull it over, but most certainly I do. Yeah. Oh, maybe I'll come back. Well, it was Neve Campbell.

That was a pretty big miss. Yeah. That was not my best foot forward. What did you say again? I'm drinking my breakfast. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That was a knockout punch.

She'll be riding home with me tonight. I'll guarantee that. Who wouldn't want to be with a guy who drinks his breakfast? All right. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? Or a theme song?

No. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're going gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions.

On the fly, a rhyme dish. On the fly, a rhyme dish. Enjoy.