Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: First Day of School

Episode Date: August 22, 2025

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a crazy first day of school.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Gene Lightyear. We're back. What a fitting time to be back because today's episode is tell us about a crazy first day of school experience. Well, it's so nostalgic.

We got both fearful of first day of school and nostalgic and envious. Yeah, it's a wispy time. So scaly, so much excitement and possibility. So much on the horizon. Enjoy, first day of school. Accidents happen daily, but there's nothing routine about the damage they cause. The right personal injury lawyer understands the physical and emotional challenges you face following an injury. While we can't take away your pain, learners experience trial lawyers can help you navigate the complex,

legal issues on your recovery journey. When you suffer an accident, get the care and compensation you deserve with a learner's lawyer. Visit learnerspersonalinjury.ca today. That's learnerspersonalinjury.ca. Think about the most disturbing government secrets you've learned from history. Now imagine discovering one that begins in a hospital room and leads straight to classified military operations that were buried for decades. Listen to a redacted medical mystery, A special episode from Redacted and Mr. Ballin's Medical Mysteries, available now wherever you get your podcasts. Hard times come and go.

Good times. Take them slow. My life, I had them both. I've ever one thing you got to know I'm going to keep on shining. Hello. Hi. We're going with a fake name today. All you, whatever you want to come up with.

Monica, are you feeling anything strong? I'm going to go with Megan. Love it. I was just watching Queer Ultimatum. There was a Megan on that. I didn't hate her. It's what works well. I didn't hate her as better than I hated her.

Also, Megan's really safe. No one's going to identify you by Megan. No. Megan, where are you? I am going to paint with a broad choke. I'm going to say I'm in Canada. Okay. We would have figured that out as you see.

set a boot at some point. A boot, throw in the odd A. I knew you would have got into the bottom of it. Okay, so you have a first day of school story. Do I ever? Oh, I'm so excited. Also, Megan, you're experiencing something very unique in Aronshire Anonymous, which is we're all in different locations. Well, no, Rob and I are in the same location. But you two aren't together. That's right. I'm never in a room somewhere in the South when we do these. Oh, that is really special. I think so. I just wanted you to be aware of the context. Okay, so first day of school. Okay. It's a chilly day in September. It's the first day of my teaching career. So I'm so excited. Wake up. It's like out of a movie scene. This is amazing. I've wanted to be a teacher since I was in kindergarten. How it works why I am in Canada, a lot of people

supply for a few years before they get a contract job. But I was really lucky. It must have been some sort of personality hire because I graduated in May and then I got a contract for that September. And where the school is from my house is like 600 meters. But that morning, I had to drop my dog off at my friends, because they were going to watch my dog for me, which is also like 400 meters from the school. But this particular morning, you know, I got put behind. I was taking some picks on a front-facing selfie camp because I was so excited, this monumental moment in history. So I ended up driving because I got a little bit behind. So I probably leave my house around 8 a.m. School bell rings around 8.55. That's when the kids start rolling in. So I drive to my friend's house, literally a 30-second drive.

drop off my dog. She's like, oh, my God, let's get a picture. You look so cute. I like get in the car. We'll put a hype up song because, you know, it's literally less than one song drive to my school. So I go with After Midnight by Chapel Rowan. Monica, is that ringing a bell for you? Great song. Also, I'm just putting two and two together. Like, this story is recent. You were dating it by the song. Monica. Really clever. I was doing clues. It's a recent story for sure. So I'm in my car. I'm like still so excited. I'm jamming out. And where my school is,

is it's on a hill and there's a traffic light at the bottom of the hill. So traffic often will get backed up on the hill. I go to turn left into the school. Traffic is backed up, but there's a gap. And so I get waved in. So I'm like slowly pulling in. My tires are on the front of the school property. I'm fully on the sidewalk so that cars can still get by me when all of a sudden literally something flies over my car. My windshield is shattered. I just see this body off of a bike fly over and it's just on the ground. You've struck one of the students pulling in. I went from Chapel Rowan to Adele.

I went from after midnight to chasing pavement. Literally, it went so dark, so fast. What was the age of those cyclists? It was a high school student wearing a helmet. Not that I'm like an avid bike hitter. And not that I think anyone deserves to get hit by a car. But it wasn't like a, oh, that little scrimy high school student. It was like a precious peanut, long sleeve collared shirt, helmet on,

cute little shirt tucked in doing all the right stuff you hit from the front not to play the victim but the bike did hit me okay they have come over the side of my wheel well so handlebars into the front hood bike smash my windshield the well-mannered well-dressed behaved boy was riding on the sidewalk at a full clip and she pulled into the lot stopping halfway blocking the sidewalk he teaboned her and t j hookered over the windshield correct so i put my car in part I'm like immediately freaking out. Like I go from posing for a picture of what grade I'm teaching to like, oh my God, are you okay?

To the point where he starts consoling me. Thank God he was wearing a helmet. Best case scenario, he maybe sprained his ankle. I'm so sorry, this is all my fault. Luckily, at this time, a coworker was also walking to work, jealous of them. So they start walking up the hill. Honestly, Guardian Angel was so calm, was so composed, was like, it's going to be okay. I've been hitting one once a week for a decade.

That's why I walk. You might want to try it. So she starts, like, asking the kid, are you hurt? Is everything okay? They're visibly shaken up. So we call the cops. The mom comes, puts her frigging four ways on, parks, basically in the middle of the road, sprints to her kid.

Oh, my God. Were you like, I'm going to get fired? Absolutely, I was. I'm like, I'm losing my job. I can never listen to Chapel Rowan again. I don't even want this car anymore. You're also 22, right? So when mom arrives, mom's like, there's a 22-year-old kid teaching here that just blasted my son.

It was all dressed. My new co-workers are starting to roll in. I'm like, what a effing first impression? They're going to be like, who is this teenager that just hit a biker? How old do we think he is? Do we think he's a freshman or a senior? I think he's in the middle, but the kindest little soul, such a little nerdy angel.

He's like probably so nervous for his first day, just in his head, bombiner down the hill. So the cops show up, one of which is one of my good friends, but has to be professional. So it's kind of one of those like, they're there, it's going to be okay. I'm crying at this point. This was supposed to be the first day

of my career that I've dreamed about and now I've hit a kid on a bike and my new boss comes out is like, okay, it's going to be okay, but like move to the side because in 10 minutes, students are going to start showing up. A new cop ends up coming and it's a cop in training, so like FML. Yeah, but you can't throw stones. Everyone here is new. No one present is over 24, it sounds like, because she knows the cop. Thank you for checking me on that, Monica. I actually do quite appreciate that. Everybody's trying their best. So I go out, I start talking to the cops. Oh, do you want to give a statement? my dumb ass. I'm like, of course, it's all my fault. I'm so sorry. I hit this child. They're like,

are you wearing your corrective lenses? I'm like, I'm wearing contacts, but I probably cried them all out by now. So I guess my partner had called my good friend, the friend's house that I dropped my dog off, happens to be a criminal defense lawyer, happens to be out for a walk with her dog. So she, out of the corner of my eye, just see her roll up, sweats on sweats, walking her little standard poodle. She's like, I will deal with the cops. It's going to be okay. What did you say? I said, well, obviously I told them it was all my fault. And she's like, why did you do that? But also like not wanting to make me feel stressed out. So she's just like so calm, cool. She's like, let me talk to the cops. It's not your fault. The biker was on the sidewalk. I wasn't even really thinking about getting a ticket at this time. I was really just thinking if the kid was okay. And then my job. Then I'm like, I could get a ticket now. I just got out of school. I'm a brand new teacher. You're also very Canadian because you haven't once said Sue, which is what I would be worried about. Oh, actually. So later I find out that the mom said, why? you call the cops. So I guess at the time when my friend had gone out to speak to the cops, my new boss had come out and been like, kind of wrap this up. She has 26-6-year-olds to greet.

And thankfully, the cop threw me a bone at this point and was like, it's going to be a little bit longer. You might want to get someone to cover for her. Let alone, I'm like crying in the front seat of my smashed in windshield car. Then the union president shows up. Ay, aye, aye. She takes me into the office. My friend's like, leave it with me, leave your car with me. At this point, it's pulled onto the sidewalk. Kids are showing up. I'm like, just, kind of cowering, walking next to the union president into the office. I'm like, am I going to get fired? What's going to happen? She's like, I'm not entirely sure, but I don't think so. Let me just make a couple calls. She makes a call. She's like, you're not going to get fired. It's okay. We're all

good. And then at this point, it was first nutrition break. So it was kind of time for me to go back. I'm just going to compartmentalize this and shove it right down. And I'm just going to bring the hype and just go greet all those sweet precious six-year-olds and fake that I have seasonal allergies and hope they don't recognize I was just bawling my eyes out for an hour and get on with my day. What I'm now realizing is where the elementary is, I guess, really close to the high school. Because you're teaching that elementary yet you hit a high schooler. It would have been great if you're teaching high school and he was in your class first row. That would have been a crazy turn of a vest. Six years old, that's kindergarten? It was grade one, six to like seven. I taught a

split grade. Yeah, they don't know what the hell is going on. No, but everyone else did. Because As I'm like bawling my eyes out next to my car that's shattered, first the staff's rolling in. And then the parents are rolling in of this new school. And they're like, why is this person bawling next to a smashed in car? What made it worse is that the bike was chained up to the side of the school. They didn't clean up the bike for a while. So every day when I would walk to school, I'd like look to my left and just see that nightmare reminding me of what happened. But you hit the ground running.

And are you still teaching at the same school? I'm still teaching at the same school. and my lawyer friend dropped me of all charges, so I just had to pay for the damage to the car because he was on the sidewalk, so it all worked out okay. Oh, lovely. He was wearing a helmet. He wasn't hurt. The mom wasn't mad.

I didn't lose my job. I pulled my socks up and finished the day of work. I can listen to Chapel Rowan again. It's been a bit, but she's back on my playlist. I'm having flashbacks of pulling out a 7-Eleven in Santa Monica, and an old woman rode her bike on the sidewalk into the side of a car I was driving. And I panicked because she was so old. I was really afraid when she crashed.

And then I drove her home and I gave her $100. Oh, no. And then I stole a front wheel from another bike and put it on her bike in the middle of the night. Isn't that a weird decision? I didn't have any money to give her other than that. That probably meant a lot to her. Well, Megan, I'm so glad you made it through that harrowing start and that you're still at it. It was crazy.

It's so good to meet you. Bye. Dax, do you think the woman that ran into you is alive still? No, that was 27 years ago and she was probably 70. And I stole, which is not good, but I did. I know. Throwing bad money after good, whatever the same is. Why did you give her $100?

That's what I had. I didn't know what to do. I felt bad. Then you're kind of assuming culpability, but you didn't do anything. She was old and ran into you. When you see an old woman crush her bike and you're involved, you're just, scared you're going to get sued and also she's old. I'd way rather clobber up teenage boy. No, oh my God. Even if he was in a collared shirt. Moral dilemma because that guy has so much more

life to live. Boy shouldn't wear collard shirts at school. Yes, he should. No, the mom should protect the boy and say, honey, want you wear a t-shirt? No, Dax, we don't know. Maybe he was a stud. Maybe he had a lot girlfriends. Maybe all the girls loved his collar shirt and a sweet personality. And smashing his bike into things? I would. I'd be like, oh my God, my boyfriend got hit by a car. I got to skip first period and help. Don't let your sweet boys wear tucked in colored shirts to high school. It's too hard. No, if they want to, you got to let them. They owe their whole life to wear colored shirts. Just don't do it at high school. They got to express themselves. Hi, Katie. Are you laying down on a blanket?

I am not. I'm in a closet in like a blanket for it. In a blanket cocoon? It looks cozy. It really is. Okay, so Katie, where are you? I am in the Upper Peninsula, actually. No, in Marquette? Yeah, Marquette area. Okay, so you have a first day of school story. Yes, I'm from near Trevor City, so this is where that takes place.

Small school, this takes place my first day of freshman. year. So just a preface for this, my best friend Mallory, she's involved in this story, and she lives in Lansing. She happened to be up this weekend, so I got to fact check the story. So we make it through basically the whole day. It's last hour. We're in art class. Class was about to start. And I look at her and I'm like, you know what, man, I'm not feeling great. Something's going on. And I was like, you know what? I need to go to the bathroom. So you and Mallory are close because you're telling her, hey, I've got to shit myself. We're very close.

My boyfriend actually just said last week, you talk about Mallory, like she's your night and shining armor. Because she is. Yeah. Sorry, boyfriend. Yeah. Yeah. And this story is just a prime example of that.

So we take off. The bathroom's like not far away. And because it's between classes, for whatever reason, our entire high school choir is standing directly outside of the women's bathroom. And Mallory's a pretty aggressive woman. And so she just kind of starts football, like, roughen her way and through the crowd. Like, she's pushing people out of the way. In the meantime, though, I put my hands over my mouth and I just start spewing.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Interesting. So this wasn't poody related. This was throw-up. Okay. But still probably cafeteria related. I always ate cold lunch, so I have no idea.

We don't know what happened. I was fine all day until this moment. Where? So I just start spraying all over everyone. It gets all over the choir. It gets all over the floor. And at this moment, Mallory reaches back to grab me. She's made a hole, and she doesn't realize that I've thrown up all over her back already.

Oh, Mallory. So as she turns to grab me, I throw up again directly on her arm, in her hair, all over her sweater. And she's like, whatever, still charging through. Now, Katie, I don't want to get critical, but are you making any effort to aim it at the floor? It sounds like you're almost intentionally projectileing it forward as opposed to just covering your shoes. I was just projectiling forward. You just weren't in the right mind. You were sick.

Yeah. And I think I was just so focused on get to the toilet and it just was already too late. Okay. We do make it in there. I've been told I'm a very violent vomiter. And so I continue to just exorcist-style projectile all over the bath. I'm like, I don't think I made any in the toilet. Oh, boy, you just paint at the place.

And the choir. Don't forget. It's your man, Nick Cannon, and I'm here to bring you my new podcast, Nick Cannon at night. I heard y'all been needing some advice in the love department. So who better to help than yours truly? Now, I'm serious. Every week, I'm bringing out some of my celebrity friends and the best experts in the business

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Join Wondery Plus right now. Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky. Welcome to Reclaiming. I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. Miley Cyrus, welcome to reclaiming. My 2013 is your 1998. I lost everything during that time in my personal life because of the choices I was making professionally.

Chelsea Handler, welcome to reclaiming. I did have a teacher who instilled in me that I was going to do something special, and she was like, you're going to have an impact. Sophia Bush, welcome to reclaiming. You went all the way. You committed. and if it wasn't for you, you had the courage to tell the truth and get out. And I had to say that to women in my life, and I had to learn how to say it in the mirror to myself.

This last decade for me has really been what I consider my own reclaiming. My own journey, my own reclaiming story is in the bones of this show. Please listen to reclaiming on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. The town of Agda in France is famous for sun, sand, sea, and sea. sex. But lately, life on the coast has taken a strange turn. The town's mayor, a respected pillar of the community, has been arrested for corruption. His wife claims he's been bewitched by a beautiful clairvoyant. Then there's the mysterious phone calls that local people have been getting. The whole town has been thrown into chaos. As the mayor is unable to carry out

his duties. I would like to address you all. Legal proceedings have been initiated. Join me, Anna Richardson and journalist Leo Schick for the Mystic and the Mayor as we investigate a story of power, corruption and magic. Binge all episodes of The Mystic and the Mayor exclusively and ad free right now on Wondry Plus. Start your free trial in Apple Podcasts, Spotify or the Wondry app. My mom asked me, she's like, did Mallory throw up? She's a ride or die. She didn't. She was wearing a dress.

She took her sweater off and just threw it away. The only thing she was mad about is I had borrowed a scarf from her that morning to wear for the first day of school. And she did not want me to have it. She was like, do not borrow this. I did anyways. And then we threw it away because it was so covered. This is the second story that involves really nice people taking it on the chin. Of course, there's the choir that got covered in vomit. Of all the kids, you know, they're huddled

together. They were huddled together for safety. And I just attacked them violently, really. You guys are saying choir as if it's like church choir. It's the chorus. Chorus kids are cool. So we're both from Michigan. I don't know what was happening in Georgia, but rest assured the choir kids were not the cool kids in Michigan. They deserved to be because they were talented and emotional and we love them but they were huddled together for safety yes and i feel like at our school if anything the band was the cooler thing to do oh wow interesting which should tell you where the choir ranks if the band is cooler now i wonder if one of our callers later will be i was in choir i was huddled for my safety and someone violently threw up on me we could hear the other side of this store yeah but then it's like

katie perry so it's fine could be katy perry it worked out if they do know that It's me. Shout out to you guys. I'm so sorry that happened. I didn't mean to ruin your day. It also sounds like it happened to the perfect person because you don't seem easily embarrassed. Are you rolled with this just fine? It did not affect me long term. I ended up being class clown. And when I asked why, everyone was like, well, you're just kind of weird and awkward and it's funny. And you're puking. I would have had to move schools. I would not have been able to handle that. So I really commend you. Remember? I mean, there was always someone in like the lunchroom who would throw up and then they were throw up girl for like the whole K through 12. I'm being brought back to that high school party where the gal threw up and then had diarrhea. Everyone was like, what happened? I was at a party where this happened to a young lady. Oh. And the whole house smelled. Oh. Oh, it was crazy. It was like

the whole party shut down. I was like, what is going? And it was like so-and-so just booted and then fucking and Honest all over the floor and her boyfriend's in there cleaning. And this is in 12th grade. That's wrong. Oh, that's so sad. Were you mean about it? No, my heart went out to her. I was extra nice to her forever.

Yeah, she had eaten a ton of rice, I remember. Ew, don't say that. That's the facts of the situation. Stop it. Rice is very like, I've seen it. And it's full absorption of having been in the stomach for a while. Well, it's a delight to meet you. You took this episode in stride.

Yes, I did. Thank you, guys. It was so great to see you. Yeah, right back at you. Have a good rest of your day. Okay, you too. Take care. Thanks.

Bye. Do you think anyone will throw up in their car after hearing that story? No, because she didn't describe any of the stuff that was in the throw up, which is helpful. Yeah, but you did. She stopped just short of just looking up at the sky and throwing. up all over her own face. I mean, the fact that it was so outward, I would have been screaming like, fucking puke on the ground. See, you act like you're so nice to these pukers, but you'd be screaming. In the post-mortem, I'd be really kind, but while it's happening, I would want them

to handle their shit the best way possible, which would be stop spraying everyone's back. But you have to be careful because you don't want to open your mouth to talk because you could get pukes. I'd be on the side shouting from the locker. Leave the choir kids alone. They're fucking already get picked on. Why are they getting picked on? They have voices of angels. They don't. You're picturing glee. No, my course was really good. But Monica, you would agree that in some small towns, the football team isn't great, right? Like some guys are not college-bound athletes. They need something to do after school. Yeah, I just don't know. I'd have to hear them. Okay. Hello. I see baby clothes. Do you have a little baby in the house? Twins. Oh,

Oh, fine. Identical or fraternal. They're fraternal. A boy and a girl. And how old are the twins? They are two and a half. You're going to enjoy an upcoming episode. We have a twins episode coming. Oh, great. I probably could have submitted a story for that. You want a fake name, which is encouraging. What fake name would you like?

I would love you all to choose my fake name. Okay, you're ready for this, Fiona? I like it. That's a big name, Fiona, to take on. Yeah, but it's accurate. Yeah, you've got a vibe. Okay, Fiona, please tell us your first. day of school story. Okay. So I had just started a new job. So a little bit of background information.

This story takes place as a teacher. So this story took place two years ago. And I had previously taught band for about eight years. So I was going into my ninth year of teaching, but I had only had my twins about six months ago. I'm a new parent. So this new job was only five minutes away from my house. It was going to be a lot more family friendly. The district is very well regarded. The You'd love to hear that I'm from Northwest Ohio. Wonderful. Let me picture that in my head, Northwest Ohio. Okay, by Pennsylvania?

No, no. No, by Toledo? Yeah, very close to Michigan. So I was going to no longer be teaching band, but I was going to be teaching choir and drama. And I had never taught these subjects before. Okay, Fiona, you just wandered perfectly into a sim moment, which was the previous call was about a young gal who threw up all over the choir kids

that were huddled out in front of the bathroom. And I said, couldn't you have picked a different group of kids? The choir kids were already, they had their hands full. They were probably huddled together for safety. And so Monica thinks choir kids are super cool, and maybe they were in Georgia. But I'm trying to tell her, you're on a rough path if you're in choir in Michigan. We just need you to tell us, what's the strata at your school? Band is the cool saying choir is kind of the nerdy thing.

This is wild to me. Rob? Yeah, it's the same. Ban wasn't really that cool either, though? No offense. But band was really not cool at my school. Choir was, excuse me, chorus was cool, and theater was cool because I was in it. None of those three things were really that popular pursuits in Michigan, and I'm guessing in northern Ohio.

All to say, these are the sweetest people. Did you have orchestra? We do not have an orchestra program in my district. We're not rich like you, Monica. We're like normal people. You guys aren't 7A. That's why. No, no, we're not.

Okay, so I was just curious. Yes, I always wanted to protect the band kids and the choir kids. They seemed like they needed some looking out for. I'm going into this new position. I don't know my coworkers. I don't know my students. I really don't feel like I know my content area. I've actually gotten hired over the phone over the summer about the month before school started.

So I was just feeling very nervous about the balance of work and home. So I go into my first teacher work day. Everything goes well. I'm starting to get over my nerves. The first day of school rolls around. Everything's going fine for first, second, third period, and fourth period comes around. And to give you a little bit of information,

my classroom is the performing arts room. So that includes, I have to share it with band, choir, and drama. So they're constantly students in this room. And because we are using instruments for the band side, it's double doors and the doors swing open and shut. You don't manually close them. They close by themselves. At the bottom of the door is what is called the boot security system.

This is in place in case there is an active threat. And Rob has shared the photo with you. It's this horizontal bar. And as you can see, there are holes drilled into the ground. And you put a vertical piece of metal in. And if you can't evacuate during an active threat, this is how you barricade your classroom door. Okay. This is mind-blowing.

I'm looking at a photo. of it. Yeah, and it looks kind of if you can picture vault doors having these two cylinders that go into holes, I can't believe that that's standard equipment. It makes me so sad. It's insane that we have to go through this. And it's not just our district. This is fairly standard for at least my area. Wow, wow, wow. So that's how my classroom looks. And I'm starting my first performing theater drama class of the day. And this is what I felt most insecure about. So I thought we're having short classes today. It's the first day of school. Let's do a theater game. So I decided to go with who started the motion. The students circle up in the classroom and one student leaves the

classroom. A student in the circle is the leader and they are pantomiming a motion. It could be snapping, clapping, clapping, waving their hands as crazy as they wanted to be. And all of the students have to adapt and look at the leader without really looking at the leader. So the leader is constantly changing motion every 10 to 15 seconds. Then the student who's out in the hallway comes back in and they have to try to guess who in the circle is making these motions. Who's the leader? That would be a really good icebreaker because not all of these students know each other either. We're in a pretty bit district. The first couple rounds go really well. I go out in the hallway to get the student who is out there. And as I'm coming back in, I'm holding the door open for the students since it

closes automatically. And I'm coming in the room behind the student and the door slams onto the back of my ankle. Oh, oh, boy. And that piece of horizontal metal is sticking out of the door about two inches because you need room for the vertical piece to go in. I get pain, but I'm been teaching for several years. I know you don't show the students. If you're in pain, you just keep moving on. I'm not like swearing or anything. Because they'll smell the weakness and attack. Exactly. Yes. I want to look strong on my first day. Okay, okay. This horizontal bar hits my foot and it hurts and then it goes numb.

I look down. I don't see anything. So I just kind of like limp to my chair and watch the game continue. My ankle is still numb. And so I look down and I see a chunk of my ankle gone. Oh, oh, wow, a chunk. But there's no blood. Is it white?

You gouged down so deep. It's just white. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So I hobbled to my office. I have an office inside my classroom, and I call down to the school nurse. And again, these are new co-workers to me, as well as the students. I'm new in this place.

So I call down and I say, the door has hit my foot. Would you mind coming down and taking a look at it? And the school nurse goes, oh, no, I'll be right down. Oh, like she's already been down this before. She comes down with some stare strips and some band-aids, and it started bleeding. this point. And she starts putting the stare strips. My cut and the chunk of my ankle is a horizontal cut. So same as the bar. Oh. Oh, God. Okay, now we're looking at a photo. Oh, that looks horrible. I kind of love it. It's so dark. So she starts putting the stare strips on horizontally

and there's so much blood. They're just like falling off. Yeah, she's trying to put a Band-Aid on a river. Pretty much. She says, yes, this has happened before, not to this degree, but students have gotten hit with this. The other teachers have gotten hit with this. It's like common knowledge, except I hadn't worked there very long, so I didn't know this information to be careful when you're closing the door. So she says, you might want to get stitches. You might have to leave, and this is like halfway through the day. So she calls my principal down, and I didn't have any subplans ready. It's my first day. I'm not expecting to be out. He comes down and he's like, I'll get a sub, we'll get it all taken care of. Do you want to call an ambulance? And I'm like,

no way. I'm not having these kids see me take an ambulance and I'm not paying for an ambulance. Yeah. I live five minutes away from here. My husband's working from home. I'll just call him and he can take me to the emergency room. So he takes me to the emergency room, and I end up having to get seven stitches. Oh, yeah. Isn't it wild that often when they fix it, it looks way worse than when it was broken? Yeah, it does. It looks like they took your heel to war.

Jeez. But you didn't get the tendon luckily, yeah? You must have been on the verge of that. Yes. They ended up doing an x-ray just to make sure there was no internal damage, which there was not, thankfully. So they just did the stitches. And I had to keep it wrapped with ointment. And I had the stitches in for over two weeks. Oh, my God. And what kind of shoe wear were you limited to and sock wear? Could not wear socks. I could not wear anything but sandals for the first two months that I worked in this district. And I'm in Ohio, so it gets cold end of September. Sandals also sort of designates. weakness. Well, you'll get a reputation. Like, you'll be known as that, you know that teachers that wears sandals. Yeah, it's very specific. For sure. And I did not want to be known. I had gotten a pair of Rothies, Brandon. Oh, yeah, great. Great. Really nice silhouettes. And are you still at that school? I'm still at that school. Like I said, I had the stitches for two weeks. And if you think about

the way your Achilles moves, every time I took a step, the stitches were pulling, which is why I had to have them in for so long. Did you ever clip your foot on that thing again? My hunch is you might have. I had to go back to school the next day because I didn't have any sick time accumulated yet. So I was just kind of hobbling around. And then the following week, when I came into my classroom in the morning, the custodial team was putting on brand new doors that are slow close. Oh, and that's going to solve it. Hopefully. Well, that'll help. We have not had an incident since then. This is one of those situations where it's like you prepare for an active shooter, which I don't know what the odds of that are.

But then in the meantime, like 20 people cut their kill. They have to amputate like 10 legs. I don't know. There's some cost-benefit analysis that someone will do one day. They should also try to put like some cap on the end of the thing. So even if it hits you, it's not going to cut you like that. You can imagine this thing just getting bigger and bigger, right, Monica? Or it's just covered in nerve.

football and then it doesn't function anymore. The whole door is like patting. Then everyone decides to save her without a door entirely. And the switch from band to choir, has it been lovely? It's been really great.

I've taken a lot of advice from other choir directors, had them come into my classroom, so I really like the job. I'm still at that district, and I occasionally have students that will come up to me and say, I read a story about your foot. Can you tell about that and I'll show them the pictures and everything. Oh, that's so cute. Do you have a scar?

I do have quite a bit of a scar. And actually, I can't set my heel down like on a table. If I put my feet up, I have to cross my legs so that my left foot is down and my right injured foot is still on top of it. That makes sense. Thank you so much for having me. I've been a day one listener. My former commute was an hour long and so I listened to you. And if I can tell you something embarrassing. You used to talk about how you as a kid would listen to David Letterman and pretend to be interviewed by him. And I used to do that on my car ride and think, what would Dax and Monica interview me about? Oh, that's so sweet. I love that. I love that too. So I'm so thrilled to be here. So thank you so much. Oh, our pleasure. Take care. Have a great rest of your summer.

That injury reminded me that a couple days ago, I was getting in my car with the big purse. And I slammed my pinky finger into the door of the car so much. I had to open the door to get it out. And I was like, oh, my God, this is something four-year-olds do. I'm still dealing with that broken fingernail from when I did it as a kid. Not to trump your story, but how are you recovering? Pretty good. It's sore, but it didn't do much damage.

But it was just so weird at my finger up there and in Hane. Oh, is that the top of your door? Yeah. That's probably preferred. There's more give up there. Okay, well, stop minimizing my pain. Oh, sorry. I can't believe you survived this.

I'm just having gratitude that your finger's still on your hand. Although, I'd love to remove it if it was infected. Would you trust me to remove one of your fingers if it was infected? No. No. Okay. I would trust you to put, like, some ointment on it. I just bought a Dremel here.

Cordless Dremel. I think I could take it off pretty quick. If it was to save your life. If it was gangreness. And I couldn't make it to the hospital? Post-apocalyptic world, maybe. Yeah, yeah. This is your at the house.

It's post-apocalyptic. Your fingers gangrenous and then needs to be removed. Is that or I'm dead? Then, yeah, I'll let you. Okay, thanks for the vote of confidence. How do you say gangrenous? It had gangrene. Gangrene.

It was gangreness. Adam? We were just trying to figure out, you say gangrene. But if you wanted to say someone's finger had gone gangreneous, but gangreness, what do you think it is? Gangreness, I guess. We like that, right? Sounds good.

His toe went gangreness. If that is ever a prompt, I have a story about that, too. Oh, shit. About gangrene? Kind of, yeah. I worked at a bank, and we had a customer who had a rotten leg. Oh. They would walk into the bank, and, yeah.

Stink up the whole place? It was terrible. Did you hear the armchair anonymous with the waitress up in Canada, and the guy's leg was fucking dead? It was leaking. Yeah. Oh. That's exactly what happened.

The other girl who was an EMT, remember, and then the leg was jello? Yeah, it was like falling off. Ah. Great start. Okay, Adam, where are you? I'm in Knoxville, Tennessee. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my goodness.

You're right down the road from me. So you're in Nashville right now? Yes, sir, staring at old Hickory out the window. You look familiar, though. How old are you? I am 36. I wonder if we went to the same. elementary school when I lived in Tennessee.

You were in Memphis, weren't you, love? Yeah. Opposite sides of the same. Okay, but like, I don't know the history of Adam. He could have been in Memphis. What if you said I don't know the history of Knoxville? Maybe it was next to Memphis before. We just migrated east.

I'm not good at geography, so that is something I would say. Okay, you just have a familiar face. I get that a lot, though. I get sent pictures of like, hey, this guy looks like you. And my name is kind of familiar, too, because my middle name is Grant. So I am Adam Grant. Oh my God. You should be a CIA spy. You look like everyone. I just blend in, which is what I wanted to do on the first day of school was blend in. Okay. Let's hear it. So this is the first day of high school. But to set this up, I have to set up my 8th grade year.

I was a very small kid. I did not hit 100 pounds until I hit high school. And I was a gymnast all throughout middle school. Oh, wow. So you had great biceps and stuff? As much as like a 13-year-old can, I did. My TV brother, Adam Braverman, Peter Krausa, he was a gymnast in junior high, and he had photos of himself on set, and he was jacked. I wasn't that jacked, but... Okay. Just send me some picks and I'll evaluate your fitness. I had got burnout being a gymnast. I competed nationally, national champion, tumbling and trampoline, which was, again, another story. Trampoline stories. That's a good one. Let's put that on the list.

good one. But I got burnout. And then I could do flips and stuff, of course. And so the cheerleading team recruited me. 100%. I was just there to flip down the field. But that is not what an eighth grade boy in small town, Tennessee. Sorry, was it the school squad or like an all-star squad? It was a very small school. I had to get permission from the principal to be on the team because no boy had ever done it before. Oh. Okay. So you were really, what do they call it? The Revision. Trailblazer. The token. You're the token. Oh, token, yeah.

I was not blending in, and that's all that I wanted to do. So high school, new start. No one was supposed to know who I was. First day, I walk in, and people come up to me and say, have you heard about Freshman Friday? And I'm thinking only on TV and only in movies. What is there? You don't know what Freshman Friday is, Dax?

No, this is a Southern thing. Tell me. It's where the upper classmen, terror. the freshman class. First Friday of the new year. And you what can shove the kid? You can haze and shove and be horrible. Everyone's scared of freshman Friday.

And what was being told to me was that I was going to be trashed. So I was going to be dumped in the trash can, basically. So I was absolutely terrified. Did you consider calling mom and saying I have a diarrhea? I should have, but I did not think of that. Instead, I tried to

hide all day long. I was like not spending time in the hallways. I was just zipping from class to class. Of course, none of my friends could drive at that point because we're 13, 14. I knew no upperclassman. My sister had already graduated school, so she was gone. And so what I did on that first day was I basically jumped into the car of the first person's parents who came to pick them up. And I was like, you have to take me home.

Right. I'm about to get trashed. Yeah. So I escaped the first day. But this went on for the entire. week of this guy named Michael who was after me. I had no idea what he looked like. I had no idea that he knew who I was. People would just come up to you and say like Michael's going to trash you and get you. Yeah. His gang is after me and I was just terrified. This is so mean. The way my school is set

up is the front door is where everything kind of is. It's where people congregate. It's where the cafeteria is. It's where the gym is. And after school, that's just where people are local. At the time I was riding the bus after school and you had to wait like 20 minutes for the buses to get there because this is a very small school system and they start at the elementary school and they wound up at the high school. So Friday had come around. I'm thinking I had escaped this enough times that it's over with. It's not. Michael has a iron trap memory. So I'm standing there after school in front of the cafeteria with everybody else in the school talking to some of the friends that I had at the time. time, and I get picked up from behind. Oh. And I get slowly walked over to probably the worst trash can in the whole school, which is the cafeteria trash can. Ew.

I have no idea who is picking me up. I get hovered over the trash can. Little 100-pound me gets so nervous. I kick off the wall, and we both go flying backwards. Oh, okay. You had a little fight in you. Yeah, that's good. I'm glad you did that.

And that gymnast strength. Used my quads and kicked us. both back, flat on the floor, in front of everybody, school goes silent. Yeah, this is not according to game plan. Mike's supposed to be a hero and a bully, and now he's humiliated. Now we're in big time danger. I don't know what I did or said next, but I know that I had a cousin who was the same age, normal size.

He came in and said something to him and stood up for me and kind of saved the day. Michael never bothered me again. Oh, wow. This cousin. This is a fighting back to the bully story. And then I ended up graduating my senior year with most friendliest or friendliest, I guess, of my class. So full circle moment. Well, I'm so proud of you that you refused.

You said, I will not be subjugated by you, sir. What did Mike look like when you finally came to who was Mike? He was a very tall, skinny kid. Found out he was not the one who picked me up because he probably couldn't. He had like a toadie. pick me up who was this giant guy. Mike delegated this responsibility. Mike. I guess so. Mike is embarrassing. Was he a senior? He wasn't even a senior. I think he may have been a junior, maybe a sophomore. Yeah, but he was 19. Yeah, he looked into this. Oh, my God, I love your

cousin. That is so awesome. Yeah, it makes me think of Christmas story when his little brother's getting fucked with and he finally fights back, swears too much. You remember, Mom? Monica? I haven't seen it. Oh, my God. Have you at them? Every Christmas, 24 hours. Yeah, it's standard. Crazy Monica doesn't watch that. I watch Home Alone. That's a happy story to end on. I will say, though, that my two biggest high school bullies ended up passing away a few years after school. And it's such a weird feeling to have a bully and then to learn that about them. Not to make it about myself, but it puts you in a weird position. I agree. You're happy at first. I've had this, right? Like, this has happened a couple times. Well, one guy's in prison, another guy died. And at first, I'm like, yeah, you get what you deserve. And then, of course, you're like, no, this is terrible. And they were probably very miserable, which is why they were a bully. And it's not quite as satisfying as you wanted to be. Well, we found a way to bring it down. You were like, oh, good. This one went out on a high note. And then we figured it out.

We can end on your cousin's cool. How's your cousin? Cousin's great. He's got kids. He's married. He's a stay-at-home dad. I love this. He's not a hard charger, FBI agent, or anything. No. Well, Adam, it's a delight to meet you. I'm not shocked at all you got friendliest. I love a superlative.

I didn't get one, and it haunts me. Like, I wanted one really bad. You guys would have been best friends, right, Moni. You would have noticed how brave it was for him to join the cheer squad. Oh, I mean, yes, it is, but it's smart. Then you're around all these cute girls, and you're grabbing them by the pee. You're never grabbing them by the pussy. You're catching them by the pussy.

I did that once. Oh, sure. It's going to happen. Sometimes you do have to grab them. If they're falling... You got to save them. You got to jump in and save the day. If one person hits the ground, the whole squad has to do push-ups.

Wow, well, that was an uplifting story. I'm glad you told it. And I'm glad you didn't get trashed. That would have been so gross. It would have been terrible. In the cafeteria trash can where the food had been sitting there all day in front of everybody. I was already prepping myself. My hunch was he was going to end up in the trash.

can. I was going to be curious if after the fact we think this is a good experience. And I'm being serious. Because your worst fears, you're going to get thrown in a trash can from all your peers. But then you do and you live. And then a few other nice boys come up and they're like, I hate that guy. There's some bonding. And then ultimately, in reflection, you might go, yeah, that's probably good that happened to me. But we didn't get to go there. No, I've stood up for myself and I thought back. Which is even better. It's better. Before we leave, I do have a question for you. How do you feel about collared shirts for male high schoolers. I have a picture from high school with two collared shirts on.

Double collared shirts. It was my yearbook picture. Polo with like a button up shirt underneath it. Oh, yeah. That was a look. 2004, 2005. So you love it just like me. In 2004, 2005, I loved it.

And you were both on cheer. That's relevant, I think. Let me ask you this. If you had a 17-year-old boy and he put on a nice collared shirt in the morning, tucked it in. Would you not go, Gary, you might want to play it a little looser at school? Yeah, just unbutton it, untuck it. Here's a t-shirt. Let's just get you in a concert tea. Everyone be who they are. If you're a little businessman, be a business man. Be a business man. All right, Adam. Well, lovely meeting you. Take care, brother. Bye.

I'm both grateful I don't have a first day of school and jealous because it's so scary, but then also it's fun. It's so fun. Remember, were you able to, get new school supplies. Yeah, I would get that trapper keeper and some folders and some new pens. But when he was describing how the cafeteria in the entrance and the gym was all next to each other, I got this nostalgic feeling of standing at that crossroads. Me too. I have such nostalgia right now.

I miss school. There's a couple schools by the house in Nashville and the whole summer. Every time we drive by them, I tell the girls, that's where you're starting school next year, you know. And they're big schools. Yeah. And I picture my girls having to start there in another state knowing nobody and how big it is. And I just think about how scary that is every time I say that to them, how frightening that would be. Yeah.

How big was your high school? My high school was pretty big. I want to say there was a thousand kids. All four. Yeah. My school was a campus. It had multiple buildings. How many students?

When I entered freshman year, my class was 1,000 people. No, you had 4,000 kids at your high school. But then a new school opened up a couple years in, and so people went over there. So I think my graduating class had like 500. Wow. Mine had three or 400, so maybe we were 1,200. But yeah. It was huge.

It was huge. Hence 5A, now 7A. Do you guys have a swimming pool? No. Love you, guys. All right, love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? I want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song for this new show.

So here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions. And with the help of armchair, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer rhyme dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy. Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app. Amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com

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