Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: First Day/Lunchroom

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a first day of school or lunchroom disaster.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard, I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Ooh, this was a wide net we cast on this prompt.

Yeah, it was kind of two prompts in one. Couldn't really pick, couldn't decide. So we said this could either be first day or lunchroom. Yeah, first day of school. And as I look at this, it's a smattering of both. It is. Yeah, I'm glad we cast this wide net. It's kind of like mirror neuron-y

to think about first day of school or hear first day of school stories. Yes, anytime you get invited over to a table, stakes are high. Stress. Really stressful. I think this one's largely good-ish. There's some scary stuff and there's some body stuff.

Again, just don't listen to this show. If you're sensitive, it's not a good show for you. Okay, so please enjoy Crazy lunchroom slash first day stories. We are supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. We, of course, have our website built by Squarespace, by Wobby Wob.

You found it very easy and intuitive. You've heard us talk before how we actually host our own website on Squarespace, by WabiWab. He found it very easy and intuitive. You've heard us talk before how we actually host our own website on Squarespace, and we're so happy with it. Rob did a beautiful job. He used the templates. It was easy, fast, and its functionality is off the charts. Whether you're an entrepreneur looking to set up a site

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What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you, it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode I bring on a friend. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on.

So follow, watch, and listen to Baby. This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them both Remember one thing, you gotta know I'ma keep on shining Don't spray me. Have a hit.

Hello! Hello! Would you want to see Monica take her first spray of nicotine ever in her life? Yes, I do. Good thing I can't be peer pressured because I wanna make you happy, but I don't wanna take a spray. I'm not gonna lie, I feel very excited right now.

I didn't think enough about my response there. It's kind of a trap for both of you, really. I'm the monster here. I actually wouldn't give her one. So that's what's fun about this game. Monica, wanna feel better? Eww, you think that's the way? No, but he's a bad, he's a devil on your shoulder.

Let's get high. Okay, but then if I said yes? No, you can't have it, it's not good for you. I don't want you to get addicted to that. Would you take it if the robot offered it to you? I'd be more willing. Do you wanna feel better? Oh.

Do you wanna have a spring in your step? Yeah, I'll do it. No, Monica. Amazing. Before I tell you my story, can I just tell you like a very funny thing that your dad has been doing this week to us in the sim? Yes, we'd love to hear it.

Ashok's playful. Yeah, he's acting frisky. Yeah, well, he's silly and it's Virgo Susan. Yes. So I live in New York and my boyfriend had to go to LA for work last week. And it was his birthday on August 25th. Oh my God.

Laura's birthday. And day after mine. He was like, do you want to come? Because he had meetings Friday and Monday. So he had to be there through the weekend. And I was like, of course, let's go. So we get to LA Thursday night, we're having a drink at the hotel bar

and the bartender says, have you been to Cara yet? I had been pronouncing it the Cara Hotel. Cara, sure, sure, sure. Not knowing, just reading it. And immediately I was like, Cara, that's Monica Padman's favorite restaurant. She talks about it all the time. Wow.

And I said, oh my God, she's amazing. They love you by the way. They're so sweet. She's so sweet, we love when she comes in. And he kind of looks my God, she's amazing. They love you by the way. They're so sweet. She's so sweet. We love when she comes in and he kind of looks at me and goes, you know, her birthday is this weekend. Oh, they gave you a little taste. Very subtle.

That's all he says. So respectful, so professional. And so on Saturday, we had just had an amazing sushi dinner. Shout out to Uchi, not a sponsor. That's Rob's favorite restaurant. You're so good. Wow. Uchi, not a sponsor. That's Rob's favorite restaurant. You're so good. Wow.

Danica, she goes, not a sponsor. I've never listened to the show before. Clearly. I think you can do it better than we can at this point. We have an amazing dinner. We come back Saturday night and I noticed that there's a little group sitting outside and I asked the bartender, I said, is Monica there?

He said, yes. I said, I'd love to send her a glass of wine. It's you. What? And I said, I Monica there? He said, yes. I said, I'd love to send her a glass of wine. It's you. What? And I said, I think on a fact check or something earlier this week, I said an armchair he sent me a drink and it was you? Wait a minute.

We didn't even know you were coming on Armchair Anonymous. I didn't either. I got the email one day morning. No. Oh my God, I'm getting short circuity simmies. Yeah, this is like real intense. This is a 6.7 on the sim. Richter.

The sik-ter. Ashok-ter. Oh, the Ashok-ter. And there's something about shocks in there that's like there's something. Wow, well first of all, thank you so much for my drink. My pleasure, but it was just more like wild

to wake up Monday morning and see the email. And I knew you didn't know, you know, I knew it was Emma. And then Dax, tonight, I'm flying out for my only vacation of the year to Norway and Copenhagen. You're kidding. Oh, Ashok, you playful bastard. Really quick, you must've peeked out onto the little patio. Was I there?

No, I think you had gone by that point because we had gotten back pretty late. I was then at my daughter's school's barbecue. So you probably got to see Monica in her shit face stage. Yeah, how was I? Three deep with the teenies. Was she stumbling? I saw no stumbles.

I mean, I'm not gonna lie. Like I, you know, didn't wanna be weird. So we were having our own drinks, doing our own thing. But from the casual glances, you seem to be having a wonderful time. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. And I think you really carried those three martinis well. You might make a fight for the three martini rule.

Wow. Wow. What a great birthday gift. Just hearing that. Oh, wow. Oh my gosh. Okay. First day slash lunchroom. Really widen out on this one.

Yes, this is a lunchroom disaster story. Let's flash back. It's 2003. So I was born in 89. This is the beginning of ninth grade, but my middle back. It's 2003. So I was born in 89. This is the beginning of ninth grade, but my middle school was a little strange. Our school district got so big that they still housed us in the middle school. So we were in ninth grade, but we were in the middle school until we got to high school. We got

bumped up. We got to be the oldest in middle school, but we never got to be the youngest in high school. Oh, you got shortchanged a little bit. Well, no. You think that's good? I think she entered high school in 10th grade and they re-invited ninth graders. They did. So she started as a sophomore.

I know, but there's something fun about being a freshman in high school. No, she got to rule the school, I don't know. I think that's kind of nice. Okay, we'll choose to look at a glass half full. Why not? We're all in a good mood. A shokter is, you know, fire.

6.8. So it's 2003, I grew up on Long Island, which is where the story takes place, and I kind of landed there with my family. My mom was a single working mom, so I was not some sort of normal Long Island kid. We lived in an apartment, I was kind of a weird theater kid.

I was already trying to fit in at all times. They were wearing Abercrombie, I was wearing hand-me-downs, all the girls wore white eyeliner, which was just like not who I was, but I was a good chameleon. My trauma response was Stefan, so I was very good at fitting in. Not a sponsor. So it's beginning of ninth grade, early in the year, I had auditions for a musical that night, so I was super excited. And I got invited to sit with a new group of girls at lunch. So big deal, and I wanted to perform well. And so normally we would go through the snack line at lunch. That was very common where you would get a soft pretzel

and a big warm chocolate chip cookie and a kiwi strawberry Snapple. And then we would eat the pretzel over the cookie so the salt would fall down onto it. Oh my God. Sounds delicious. Michelin star. Creating some real avant-garde lunches here.

And so I just assumed that's what we were gonna do. And they pivoted and they said, oh no, we go through the sandwich line, right? And so they're in their Abercrombie in their white eyeliner, I'm in my hammie, down to my chapstick. I'm like, we're going through the sandwich line. That's what I do with this group.

So we get on the sandwich line, it's BLT day. So honestly, I was like, that's kind of dope. It was like a Kaiser roll, bacon, lettuce, tomato, there were tater tots. This school is fancy. I'm obviously getting a BLT and tater tots because that's what all of them are getting. They then get to the end of the line.

And as a lunch person does in 2003, they are offering cartons of milk. And so all the popular girls take their chocolate milk, but I was a weird kid. I did not like chocolate milk or chocolate ice cream. I've gotten over that in my adulthood. Of course, I'm looking at them saying, okay, I guess I have to take a milk.

That's what we do. So I took just a traditional little carton of milk, those little tiny ones. We exit the line and we go back to our table. And this is a pretty typical cafeteria with the long lunch tables, but instead of benches, there were like the little seats with the orange caps on them.

So we sit down, I'm eating my BLT, they're all chowing down, I chow down on mine, everything's going well, no one's noticed that I'm not wearing Abercrombie, I feel like I'm passing. And they all open their chocolate milks and I say, great, I guess it's time to drink our milk now. So I open my milk and I take a big gulp and I immediately know that something is very wrong.

Oh no. Spoiled sour. Fuck. Not even just spoiled sour, it was completely curdled. Eww. This happened. This is pretty frequent occurrence in the school lunch. When you crack that thing open, you take a whiff

because it's a one in 10 shot. I do it now. I've never drank milk the same way. And I was really trying to like fit in. So I'm already like out of my element. So I take my big swig. It is now sitting in my mouth. But of course I'm like with all these cool new girls

and no way am I gonna just hurl it all over my lunch tray or onto the table. And so I'm looking around and I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do to get out of the situation without them noticing. And I spot like a big rolling hefty garbage bin over in the corner. And I was like, I think I can make it.

Can I ask you a quick detail question? Because my first thought is pretend you're taking a second sip and then release it all back in. But are you telling me you're already in the process of throwing up? It was coming out. It was time to go. So I decided that I would sprint.

I'm gonna make it there. I will cover my mouth. I'll spit it in. Maybe no one will ever notice. So I make my mad dash, I run. sprint. I'm going to make it there. I will cover my mouth. I'll spit it in. Maybe no one will ever notice. So I make my mad dash. I run. And as I'm running, I feel like a horrifying searing pain in my knee.

But I don't pay attention at the moment, because I have to get to the trash can. So I get there. I make it. Cover my mouth. I'm like heaving it into the trash can. The curdled milk is finally out of my mouth. And I am safe.

So I kind of look back over. They don't seem to have noticed, I feel better. And then the searing pain returns, and I look down and my entire leg is gushing blood. Uh-oh. What? And I look back and those little orange cap seats, so the one next to me was missing.

So all that was sitting there is just a metal plate. Strike two for this school district. They put all their money in the sandwiches and then forgot about everything else. I have this huge gash on my knee that's now just dushing blood. And obviously, like, my cover's blown. I have to now go to the nurse.

My sweet single mom, who has to work all the time, has to come pick me up and take me to the doctor. And I don't get to finish my lunch with the cool girls. And then I get to the doctor, and I don't get to finish my lunch with the cool girls. And then I get to the doctor and I'm recounting the story, obviously in tears. And I tell them about the milk and the metal plate and everything that happened.

He goes, a metal plate. This was metal that cut you? And I said, yeah. And he goes, ooh, you need a tetanus shot. Yeah, we gotta get that now. I don't know. Have either of you ever had a tetanus shot? Yeah.

Dozens. They're painful. Yeah, and I was not a fan I don't know, have either of you ever had a tetanus shot? Yeah. Dozens. They're painful. Yeah, and I was not a fan of needles. He gives me the shot. I now have this huge gash on my knee. I feel horribly embarrassed in front of all my new friends and I couldn't audition for the musical that night because I had a bump knee.

Oh no. This is a horrible day. Wow, real disaster. Did you return to the popular table though the next day? Because my first thought is one of them should have said, if you had some Abercrombie jeans, that wouldn't happen. I agree. If I would have been dressed appropriately. They would have withstood that metal plate.

You would have ripped your Abercrombies, but you went like, who cares? I'm rich like you guys. I have many more pairs. Actually, it's even cooler to have a rip. Yes, because who gives a shit? This is gonna be an unpopular opinion, but ask yourself, it might be not the right move

to invite someone to your table because the pressure's too high. It's so right for a disaster. Maybe just like, just skip it and let everyone stay where they were. No, that's horrible. But think of the pressure that Danica was under. She's fucking drinking milk she doesn't wanna drink.

The right thing to do is to just not put pressure. Is to be very kind when you invite the person and then be chatting and be very approachable and nice. Don't put on a cool air. You're Danica, I'm Popular Girl, I'm Sarah. Can I sit with you? We would love to have you. And I just want you to know,

we already know that you don't have any good clothes and we know that you don't have cool eyeliner. So don't even worry about that or get in your head. That's not something we're gonna judge you by. You guys are so nice. Thank you. I would love to sit with you. Also, you don't have to drink milk

if you don't like milk. Really? Yeah, you can even order from the snack line and regroup with us at the table. Thank God, because I hate sandwiches and I really hate milk. Okay, great, you're gonna do great. Perfect.

That was like immersion therapy. That was so healing. Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, Monica Danica. It's a lot of fresh though. It is a lot of fresh, but look, these are the things that you have to learn early in life. Character builders.

That's right. Well, Danica, this was a party. Thank you. And I'm sorry you had that bad day, but I think it's made you a better, stronger person. Thank you, yeah. We all have hardships in life and I just wanna say really quickly before I go,

I have been listening to you all pretty much from day one, and I went through a divorce in 2019, and I then went through COVID, and you really got me through some hard times, so I just wanna say a sincere thank you for doing the show and for your authenticity. Oh, thank you so much. Danica, thank you.

That's very kind. Well, it'll certainly bump into you, the way your show explained it. Yeah, we'll see you again. Yeah, well, I guess we That's very kind. Well, it'll certainly bump into you, the way your show explained it. Yeah, we'll see you again. Yeah, well, I guess we'll see you soon. You know what to send me, right? I need to send you a Ted Segers.

Oh, boom, which they have at Kara. But actually, send me a Diet Coke. I was trying to do like a brand thing. I thought this whole thing was a brand thing. It was perfect. Not a sponsor, but a sponsor. An unpaid sponsor, a Ted Segers. All right, take care. Bye. your privacy, and sometimes even your head. Even the Royals is a podcast from Wondery

that pulls back the curtain on royal families, past and present, from all over the world to show you the darker side of what it means to be royalty. Like the true stories behind the six wives of Henry VIII, whose lives were so much more than just divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. Or Esther of Burundi, a princess who fled her home country to become France's first

black supermodel. There's also Queen Christina of Sweden, an icon who traded in dresses for pants, had an affair with her lady-in-waiting, and eventually gave up her crown because she refused to get married. Throw in her involvement in a murder and an attempt to become Queen of Poland, and you have one of the most unforgettable legacies in royal history. Follow even the royals on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge even the royals ad free right now on Wondery Plus. What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki,

and my podcast is back with a new season, and let me tell you, it's too good, and I'm diving into the brains of entertainments best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I don't mean just friends, I mean the internet to self-diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers,

and strange rashes. Though our minds tend to spiral to worst-case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery. Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated, or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings. Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Bollin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast. It's called Mr. Bollin's Medical Mysteries. Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night. Follow Mr. Boll's medical mysteries wherever you get your podcasts.

Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music. ["Teddy's Theme Song"] All right, Teddy. Seegers? Hi. Are you Teddy? I am Teddy. What a cute name, Teddy. Seegers? Hi. Are you Teddy? I am Teddy. What a cute name, Teddy.

Thank you. Are you a Theodore? Is that what we start with? I am a Theodore. When you were in trouble, would either of your parents go Theodore? Oh, but that's also Alvin and the Chipmunks too, right? Yeah, so you get that a lot.

Are you the second? Third. Oh, that's nice. Two older brothers. Oh, I meant, are you like a Theodore the second? Third. The third! That's nice. Two older brothers. Oh, I meant, are you like a Theodore the second? Nope. And were you the most prone to like break your arm in a tree and stuff?

You're a little bit crazy. Yeah, you're fearless and your parents let you be fearless because they're like, we got the other two, they survived. Even if we lose this one, still good odds. We did above average. Yeah, we got the others. 66% success rate. Yeah, we got the others. 66% success rate.

Yeah, my brothers are eight and five years older than me too. Okay, where are you from and where are you at? Okay, so I'm in San Diego. I'm in a dorm room currently. Nice. Because my wife runs a dorm on a college campus. She's an RA?

She's an RD. What's that mean? At the college that we're at, she runs a dorm and she oversees the RAs. So my wife and I and our two kids, we get to live on a college campus. Oh, that's rad. Wow, how fun. Yeah.

Do you love it? Oh yeah. It's such a unique experience, especially for our kids. We have a nine and seven year old and endless people to play with. My son will be playing Whiffleball out front and he'll recruit guys walking by to play in a Whiffleball game.

My daughter will come back from the bathroom when we're at the cafeteria or something, and she'll be just chatting with a bunch of students. She's like, I just met them when we were washing our hands. I also work for the university, but in a project manager position. The story takes place in Boise, Idaho. That's where I went to college. So this is a story about the first day of college.

Oh, great. Perfect. This is 2003. It's a little town just outside of Boise where the small Christian college that I went to was. I could not wait to get to college. Little to do with academics mostly. It was just gonna be so social, nonstop, just having fun.

I grew up in California, my parents drive me, we get there, welcome weeks happen and you're meeting people. Before the semester even started, like I emailed the student body president was like, hey, I wanna be involved in social activities. This is why I'm coming to college. I'm just like in my element.

Meet a whole bunch of guys and we had heard about this big grassy hill in Oisey. At the top of this hill was the number one potato farmer in Idaho who sold his potatoes to the number one fast food restaurant. JR Simplok. Here we go. Fuck, are you blown away right now? A little bit. Your reputation, your reputation precedes you.

I knew the number one potato grower in Idaho. Big old mansion at the top of the hill, pretty steep. One of the very popular things to do on this hill was ice block. Oh, fuck yeah. What's that? I don't know what that is. Ice blocking is like sledding, but in the summer, so you get a block of ice from any convenience store.

You can either sit or lay down on it, on your stomach, and go down the grass. And especially as you go over and over and the ice begins to melt, you go faster and faster. This sounds great. So fun. So these guys that I just met, Fast Friends, we were like, let's get a whole bunch of people.

So we get a hundred freshmen. Oh my God. You're nuts. This is like a different level of loving socializing. Oh yeah. We're like, let's go ice blocking. Now it's Sunday night. We're there for a couple hours, just having a good time.

A whole bunch of people line up and we're gonna have a big race Down I used to like to go on my stomach because then you could kind of balance turn and we're going I Think that I was in the lead. This is much debate even to this day between my friends and I I think I was winning But all of a sudden something like happens the ice block I like roll over, and I am in like immense pain. I'm not really sure what happened. Like I didn't like think that I hit anything and the pain is similar to getting kicked in the junk.

Oh, okay. It's like making you nauseous. Deep abdomen pain. Yeah, yeah. I'm done ice blocking. Like I'm in enough pain like that, but I'm like, there's all these people here. So I'm going to hang out and we're still going to enjoy the experience. Another half an hour, 45 minutes goes by. Is the pain subsiding, staying consistent or increasing? Staying pretty consistent.

Okay. And I'd say like a four to a five on the pain scale. It was kind of in a weird spot, like your lower abdomen kind of thing pile into the car, the gal's car that I was in, the girl's car that I was in, the girl's car that I was And I'd say like a four to a five on the pain scale. It was kind of in a weird spot, like your lower abdomen kind of thing. Pile into the car, the gal's car that I was in, she was a local girl from Boise. So she's like, let's go on a downtown tour of Boise.

We're driving around Boise. We see a Peter pit. We stop at a Peter pit. I walk in and I see the bathroom. I'm like, I'm gonna try to go to the bathroom. Maybe that will help. Are you guys drinking during all this? Yeah, you're drunk right now?

No. No drinking? Oh wow. Dry campus and everything. Okay. But look, you're having more fun. Walk into the bathroom, try to go pee. That pain goes from a four to like a seven or eight. No pee comes out.

Oh. And I'm just like, I have a problem. Walk out, tell the people I'm with like, hey, I need to go back to the campus. Call my dad, I'm like downplaying it to him. I'm like, hey, I can't pee. This is kind of what happened, but I think I'm just gonna go back to campus.

You're trying not to worry him because they just dropped you off. Yeah, they haven't even made it home yet. Oh God. Go home, take eight ibuprofen, wake up the next day. Pain is still the same. And I'm like, okay, that's still not good, but it's welcome week. There's tons of activities going on.

Oh no. People to meet. This is the extrovert's dilemma. Yeah. So I'm just keep going throughout the day. My cousin who was a year ahead of me, my dad called my cousin and is like, can you please find Teddy and check on him? He worked in the athletics department.

So he had talked to the head physical therapist there and he's like, she's probably go in, that's not a good sign. So he comes and find me, tells me what he thinks and I'm like, okay, great. I'll go to the hospital after this next thing. By that time, it is Monday afternoon. You know, they weren't really sure what was going on, but the test that they give you to see if there's something wrong with the bladder is you get a catheter and

then they have to fill it with some sort of fluid and then they give you like a CAT scan or an ultrasound or something like that to see if that liquid has seeped outside of the bladder. So it's safe to say that they put a tube up your penis, your urethra all the way to your bladder. Fuck. My cousin is there holding my hand. Get the catheter in, they run the test. Yep, I have a ruptured bladder from ice blocking.

The ice block, when I'm riding it, had gone into a sprinkler hole. And so it went from being flat to at an angle and the corner of the ice block jabbed right into my abdomen, rupturing my bladder. Oh my God. And you didn't feel the actual puncture. No, I have a three to four inch incision

right below my belly button where they went in and they repaired because the rupture was on the back side of the bladder and they wanted to repair it from the inside. So they cut me open, cut a hole in my bladder, repaired the rupture from the inside, then closed up bladder and then closed me up and I had 13, 14 staples. My parents had just got home 14 staples, my parents had just got home to turn around and come back. That was Monday. Classes started Tuesday, missed all that first week. My mom is going to my classes for me to pick up my syllabus. And we had your wing and you had to have like wing meetings and everything.

Our first wing meeting was in my hospital room. Oh, Teddy. That's a way to start college. Yeah, that's memorable. For the next four years, I would meet people and be like, oh, you were the kid that ruptured his bladder. You're a legend. Crazy enough, the next year,

there was a high school group that was ice blocking on the hill and a girl passed away from internal issues. Stop. Oh my God. I'm like the same thing. Oh my God. Oh my God. Okay, this is big cautionary tale.

This is like climbing Everest. Yeah. Ice blocking's very dangerous. Still gonna do a monocle. No, you're not. I'm just gonna wear something over my abdomen. No, you're not doing it. Like some kind of a guard.

It's so fun. I mean, I've not done since, so. One of those guys that helped get all those other freshmen there with me is one of my best friends to this day. He and I love you guys so much and he does not know that I'm doing this, so I cannot wait for Joel. Shout out Joel. Shout out Joel.

His wife's gonna film him listening to it for me. Oh, how sweet. I love this. Oh, wonderful. Oh, we love male friendships. We do. Oh yeah, he's the best. Going on over 20 years.

Teddy and Joel for life. For L-Y-F-E. BFF. Great meeting you. Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of your day. Bye. Take care. Hello. Audio did not connect.

Audio didn not connect. Audio didn't connect. Oh, oh. So much pressure. We need like a sign that we hold up this is. It's okay. It's okay. There we go. Oh, maybe.

It's not connected. Can you hear us? Uh oh. Oh, we got you. We got you. Is it Kayla? Yes, Kayla. Okay, Kayla, where are you?

I am in the Lakes region of New Hampshire. Oh, the lakes region. Would that include Winnipeg? Yeah. Right near Winnipeg, right near the Laconia Bike Week. Where's beach? Yep. Gets dangerous over there during bike week, doesn't it?

Yeah. Most of us kind of hunker down if we're not involved in the biking. Yeah. I would maybe leave town that week. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Does your first day town that week. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Does your first day or lunchroom story take place there?

It actually takes place in the suburbs of Pennsylvania. It's funny cause I'm a teacher now, but this is a story from when I was a kid. And so now I'm seeing all kinds of lunchroom and first day of school nonsense. So I was in fourth grade when this happened. first day of school nonsense. So I was in fourth grade when this happened. This was around 2003, 2004 time to set the scene in the cafeteria. We had long cafeteria bench style tables and I was a big bring my lunch girls. So my mom would always pack my lunch. And that day she happened to pack me one of those snack packs of red jello. I was sitting in the lounge room, chatting with my friends, we're laughing. I'm always laughing.

And all of a sudden I'm mid spoonful of red jello and I just inhale the red jello and start choking. Oh, jello down the wrong pipe. But it was such down the wrong pipe that there was no breathing at all. Like a legit choke. Oh my God. Like a legit choke. You never knew you could choke on red jello, but I somehow made it happen.

I'm breathing in all of a sudden. I can't breathe. My face is turning blue. Everyone at my table is just staring at me and not doing anything. And I'm going, Oh, get help. Finally, one of my friends goes and gets the lunch lady and she comes over. She sees what's going on.

She like kind of panics and all of a sudden she just whistles to the whole cafeteria and goes, everybody quiet. And she gets everybody to be pin silent. Everyone turns to look at me as I'm sitting there blue in the face. And all of a sudden this lunch lady comes behind me and she's doing the Heimlich maneuver. I'm standing at the end of one of the long tables.

She's doing the Heimlich maneuver on me like a couple of times. And all of a sudden I just projectile vomit across the entire table while all these kids are watching me. This is my worst nightmare. I mean, this is the worst thing that could happen to anyone ever. Oh my god. The whole class was watching. Oh, they're all watching and it's like pin silent.

I just vomit. And of course it's bright red. It's like you can't miss it. It's like the ugliest thing in the world. The lunch lady is walking me out of the cafeteria in absolute silence. I felt like Thirsty in Game of Thrones in the walk of shame. So I get to the nurse's office. They're like checking me out, see if I'm okay. And they called my mom obviously, and I'm sitting in there and my mom's there.

And she says, well, so do you want to go home early? And I said, no, mom, I almost died back there. These kids need to make sure that I'm still alive. I need to go back and fill out my day. Oh wow. Oh my God, you're so sweet. It's real civic responsibility. Monica would have left for the day and never returned to the school.

Literally, I'm transferring schools immediately and I'm removing this memory from my brain for all time. Maybe this even happened to you. It could have. I mean, it's got such a strong reaction. Soon as you said you were choking, Monica started writhing and squirming. You were so evolved to have thought about the death

as opposed to the embarrassment. Yeah. Cause I would have been like, I'd rather just die. And you become a teacher, so it makes sense. You've always had a higher calling. You're giving back. The worst part too, so I'm sitting in the nurse's office, my shirt is even covered in red.

Oh. It couldn't have been a worse color, obviously. And I just continued the rest of my day just wearing like a stained red shirt. Oh my, a throw up shirt. Why didn't they give you a better shirt? Yeah, I was just known throughout the rest of elementary school and the rest of middle school just as the girl who choked on red jello. Were you known for almost dying or were you known for throwing up all over the table?

Because I bet it's more the dying part. No. I think it was definitely the throw up. Yeah, that's what sticks. But did the fear level inoculate you from being tormented about it? Do people make fun of you? Because I feel like even at that age, they might go like, this is kind of off limits. She almost died.

But people are so mean at that age. Like even if they do feel bad, they probably all felt bad and scared. But then they're like, but I can't be near her. I can't be friends with her because I'll be known as the friend of the Jell-O girl. Infected. Yeah.

Like an accomplice or guilty by association. All along before it was forgotten. Eventually people forgot. Probably middle school, because where I went to school, middle school kind of was like eight schools combined into one. The sins of elementary get washed away

by middle school sometimes. Right. Oh man. Oh well I'm so sorry that happened to you. Did it permanently taint your appetite for red jello? I did not eat it for a long time after this situation, but I'm okay now I think, just smaller bites. Yes, scary.

That's my Captain Morgan's. It's like, once you yak on something, it's really hard to go back. Fireball in my adult life. What grade are you teaching? So I'm an art teacher K to four. Oh, wonderful. Boy, the cleanup I'm imagining K through four is rough.

Oh yeah, we have a lot of systems in place and things get ourselves cleaned up and set up those rooms should be made Waterproof with a huge drain in the center of it and you just have a fire hose and after they leave you just fucking like pull It a lever. Yeah, you definitely have to make friends with the custodians. That's for sure All right. Well lovely meeting you and thanks for telling us that story. Yeah you too. Thank you so much. All right. Well, lovely meeting you and thanks for telling us that story. Yeah, you too. Thank you so much. All right. Bye. Take care.

Hi. Can you hear me? Yes, we've got you. Oh, lovely. Yes. Hi. How are you? We're in the middle of the night.

We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. We're in the middle of the night. Hi, can you hear me?

Yes, we got you. Oh, lovely. Yes. Hi, how are you? Let me get recording. Oh my God, sorry. I'm choking. I'm so nervous.

No, don't worry. Please don't choke. We just heard a choking story. Yeah, weirdly enough, we're coming off of a choking story. Was this a cafeteria choking story? It was. Yeah, as you might guess. I had a red eye flight last night and so I was like very nervous.

West coast to East coast? I am with my boyfriend's family visiting his grandmother in Spain. Wow. So this is not my usual setup, which is why I am not following directions monocom. I know. I'm so sorry, I'm usually such a big rule follower. You're doing great. Where are you in Spain?

Catequés. It's like a little town on the coast. It's like right in the border of Spain and France. Oh. Where are you from originally? Cateques, it's like a little town on the coast. It's like right in the border of Spain and France. Oh. Where are you from originally? I'm from Connecticut, which is where my story takes place. Okay, great. Tell us the year, tell us the grade.

Yeah, for sure. So this is summer of 2012. My story starts like two weeks before school starts. There's a little bit of a pre-story to the story. And I am going into my freshman year of high school, brand new high school, didn't know anybody. My older brother was two years older than me, but besides him, I maybe knew one other person.

So like brand new situation. A little bit of context, I was a little geeky and nerdy in middle school. I was super shy. I'm probably doing it right now when I get nervous or embarrassed, I go beet red and everybody can tell. I live in this super, super small town. Everybody walks, kids are bike riding,

they're skateboarding, and I'm walking with my two best friends, and we're walking to the small little town. I think we're going to go get ice cream, and they're skateboarding. I can't skateboard, so I'm walking by them and I kind of want to seem a little bit cool. I see my dad start to drive by in his car and he sort of slows down a little bit like waving but like not stopping and I literally don't know why but I thought it would be cool if I rode on the hood of his car into town. Oh wow that's a big swing.

Yeah but I can relate. Thought it would land, thought it was going to be super cool. However, I didn't tell him I was going to do this, and I didn't tell my friends I was going to do this, and I had never done this before. And so I did a little like hop up thinking I was going to land neatly on the hood of the car and like have this cool kind of like exit. I didn't really think about the fact that the hood of the car was going to be super hot and there's nothing to grip onto.

And so it just kind of hit me and I fell off. Oh no. Think what he was thinking. Your dad. And then what the fuck is clear? And you like tricked him into hitting his own daughter with this car. Yeah. Worst case scenario, you forced onto him.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So I fall, I hit the ground pretty hard. And the way that my leg is laid out is it's under the car. And so now just been hit, well, not hit, but like I jumped in front of the car, basically. Like most times people say I got hit by a car, but then in this case, a car got hit by you.

The car then runs over my ankle because of the way I've fallen and hit the ground. And so I'm on the ground shaking because I'm in so much pain. And my friends think I'm cracking up because that is also something I do is I like shake when I laugh. And so they are cracking up, like they're taking pictures.

They're thinking it's the funniest thing in the world. Kind of a big win so far. You were hoping to impress them. They're loving it. I know. They're thinking it's kind of funny. My dad does not. My dad is like out of the car.

He's freaking out. I feel so bad for your dad right now. I cannot imagine seeing your daughter one in front of your car. I hate to tell you what would first cross my mind. That she was. Denting the hood of my car. Like you can't fucking hop on the hood of a car.

You're gonna dent it. God. And then I'd be like, oh shit, she fell. Oh my God, I just ran over. All that would then happen, but I think my first thought would be like, you can't jump on the hood of a car, you're gonna collapse it.

My thought was much darker than that. Okay, okay, okay. Well Monica, it does get worse for my dad. So he immediately gets me in the car. We're on the way to the hospital. We get to the hospital and like now it starts to get into like third party accounts. As soon as I get there, like I'm on morphine,

I'm a little bit out of it. And I guess the way the car drove over my ankle was it was like right on the bone. And so since there's not a lot of skin, it like just cleared the skin off my ankle and you can just see the bone sticking out. And it broke my little 14 year old geeky ankle who thought she was gonna be cool.

And so my mom obviously runs, gets to the hospital as fast as she can. And they have like separated my dad and I because we're both in shock at this moment. The way the story comes out is he ran over me. So they're immediately like, oh my God, what's happening? They're like, pull my mom aside for questioning. You really put him in a pickle here. That's the prefront to the story because you have to know then I'm on crutches

for my first day of school, I'm in a boot, I've broken my ankle. I love that that's not the story. Me too. That's not the story. Oh my God. It just gets worse because once again, this is like a common theme of me wanting

to seem kind of cool but not really being cool and like I get embarrassed quickly but not really being cool. And like, I get embarrassed quickly and I hate being embarrassed. And so it is the first day and I walk in and I feel like most kids, me included, at some point want to crutch this in their life. Of course. It's a conversation starter, you get a little attention.

People sign your cast. Exactly, all of that. But the thing that they don't realize is the first question people ask is like, what happened? How'd you break your leg? Gotta know. And so everybody's trying to meet each other. They want to ask questions. Oh, no.

It's a really easy icebreaker. And so every single conversation starts with, how'd you break your leg? What happened? And as I am doing now, my face got like bright red. And I didn't want to say like, my dad ran over me. So like it always kinda came out weirdly that I sort of jumped in. It was like a bad start to the day.

Because the story makes no sense. Someone would go like, well, that can't be true what she just said. She leapt into her father's moving car, red flag galore. It's a bad start to the first day of school. And then it is lunchtime. And I quickly realized I can't carry a tray because I'm on my crutches and I don't know anybody and my brother, no

way was he going to like help me out in this situation. He's like too cool. He's not being seen with his younger sister with crutches. And so I'm sort of like awkwardly hobbling around in my crutches. Finally like a teacher pities me and like picks up my tray for me and walks with me to the stations to get the food, which is so embarrassing. And then there is an all-school assembly. And so that is in the auditorium, which is in a lower level of the school. And so I've like started to chat with people. I'm in the middle of a conversation.

All 400 kids in the high school have been called to this auditorium. I've already had a rough day, I don't want to draw more attention to myself. There is an elevator, but I think it would be more embarrassing to go take the elevator and ask someone to come with me or leave the conversation, then to just take the stairs with them. And so it's week two on my crutches,

I'm not great on them, and also you're just not supposed to go downstairs in crutches. It's like 400 people at once going down the flight of stairs. I'm maybe three steps down a full flight, and I just eat shit, and I just fall down the entire flight of stairs. Oh.

Did you take anyone out with you while you were falling? I took like one kid out, but it was a more push to the side rather than a full down. And so everybody's like stopped basically. The girl who like threw herself in front of the car and now just fell down the stairs. I put you on suicide watch at this point. That was the dark thing I was thinking earlier.

Oh, okay. If I was the daddy, I'd be like, why'd you, you know, and then this again. Oh my God. Once again, a teacher is the one to help me up. Everybody's sort of like looking at me and then I still have to go into this all-school assembly. Everybody's already seen me fall down the stairs.

I'm about to cry. I'm having a horrible day and I'm hobbling in. As I walk into the auditorium, everybody just quiets a little bit. I can just feel everybody's eyes on me, the whole school just looking at me being like, the girl who got run over by a car just fell down the flight of stairs

and now she's a hauling in. Oh no. You're like a character in a movie at this point. Yeah, and like Mean Girls or something. Yeah, yeah. The one that gets bullied and has the side storylines. Yeah, so we keep coming to as a runner. Oh, here she is on her crutches, what's she getting?

Oh, she fell in the manhole cover. Listen, when you get nervous, your first thought should be whatever I think of next, that's off the table. That's what we've learned. God, the things we'll do to fit in, that is the theme of all of these. The power of our social nature is wild.

Exactly, and needing to fit in. You'll kill yourself to fit in. You'll literally kill yourself. It's so sad. Why can't we just be ourselves? I can look back now, and when I was telling some of my friends that didn't know this, I told them I was gonna be on the show

and they were like, oh my God, what's your story? They love armchair, especially one of my best friends who was the girl that was laughing at me when I was falling, her name is Brooke, so shout out. But my best friends who was the girl that was laughing at me when I was falling, her name is Brooke, so shout out. But my recent friends, I had to tell this story again and I so thought I had outgrown this awkward, embarrassing thing and I was like, oh God, it comes back.

It always comes back. It's still alive. We're just 10 year olds, really, all of us. Yeah, if you were an addict, you'd come to love these. That is the weird thing about recovery is people end up loving these stories, they survive. That's so wonderful. I think because I have like the lore

of a nerdy, geeky child, it still just sort of haunts me a little bit. Beginning of freshman year was pretty tough. I was able to make some friends and it wasn't always that bad. Did you have orthodontia too? I didn't. That was the one thing I was really lucky.

I do wear glasses. So I had like two out of the three. Did your glasses ever break during your movies? Yeah, did they fall off during the hit and run? Thank God, no. What if your dad would have floored it away? I know. He's like, fuck, the stakes are too high. They'll think I'm trying to kill my daughter.

I gotta get out of here. Oh my God, your poor dad. I can't. There's nothing scarier than your child getting hurt. Yes. And they willingly made themselves. By your hand, then they're questioning you. Oh boy.

Oh, damn. Well, you survived it. I survived it. And my dad is so not the type to get mad over that. He was just so panicked and and so crushed and so scared. I feel so bad that that happened and I put him through that. It was even so much less about me.

Was there any point when the dust settled, I don't know, day two, you're home, you got your cast, where he says, Claire, I was just curious, I wonder if we could chat, what happened? Why did you do that, my love? My sweetest little girl. What was the game plan?

Why did that happen? Did he ever wonder what the fuck caused that? I think I tried to explain it and I think he knew that I was embarrassed and I was trying to fit in and I think he kind of swept that one under the rug, but it was a very clear like, hey, we got to think before we act in these situations. Sure, sure, sure. Before we jump in front of moving cars. That's really cute.

Well, Claire, that was lovely. Great meeting you. Yeah, thanks for chatting. Thank you so much. It was so great to meet both of you. All right, have a blast in Spain. Wow. That was fun. That's cute.

It is, getting embarrassed when you're little is cute. It's just so human. you're little is cute. It's just so human. Messiness of being human. Ding, ding, ding. You know the lunchroom, it is a ticking time bomb for disaster. It's a power cave.

And also, you know, my whole thing, like I couldn't go through a lunchroom or a cafeteria at the mall with a tray. Oh, you couldn't? No, I found that so- Did you thought you were gonna trip? I just, I was like, from our cafeteria at the mall with a tray. Oh, you couldn't? No, I found that so. Did you thought you were gonna trip or? I was like, that's drawing attention to yourself.

That's embarrassing looking, no. That's embarrassing looking. When you saw other people carrying a tray, were you like, oh my God, how humiliating? Or it was just you carrying a tray? I don't think I thought it about other people. I just felt so self-conscious holding it. Oh wow.

That I had to always go bag. Oh. Takes a lot of thought and effort to be cool. Well, that's the thing. That's counterintuitive. It takes no thought. That's what kinda makes you cool. That's right.

All right, love ya. Love you. Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions,

and with the help of Armchairies, we'll get some suggestions. On the flyer, rhyme-dish. On the flyer, rhyme-dish. Enjoy. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, I love fire rhyme dish, I love fire rhyme dish, enjoy.