Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: First Responder

Episode Date: April 25, 2025

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy first responder story.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts, or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard, I'm joined by Monica Padman and Erin Weekly. This is a fucking nuts episode.

We shouldn't put it out and you shouldn't listen to it. This is First Responders and we did hear a story that rivals the very worst of stories we've ever heard. You can't listen to it. You just like absolutely cannot listen to it. It's fucking insane. I'm thinking of the thing when she described him walking. Me too, me too, me too. It's wild. It's fucking insane. I'm thinking of the thing when she described him walking. Me too, me too, me too.

It's wild. It's fucking wild. Boy, first responders, I mean, you know, they see it all, but they see more than you think they see. I'm sorry you guys aren't gonna be able to listen. Don't enjoy first responders. Can't eat, can't drink, can't operate a vehicle. You have to be in a padded room to listen to this

with nothing sharp around. Don't enjoy first responders. Even the smallest business can face big risks. Get a business insurance quote in minutes at zensurance.com slash podcast and receive a $20 gift card. Zensurance policies starting at $19 a month. Be protected. Be protected. Be Zen. I'ma keep on shining. Hello. Hi.

You have fun stuff behind you. Yeah, what's happening? You know, Bizquick, Fallout. I stream video games on Twitch. We got kind of a breakfast theme going on because my name is BreakfastBot on there. What is it? BreakfastBot? BreakfastBot, B-O-D.

Oh, BreakfastBot. Oh, I love it. I was about to say this looks like a show. It looks fun. Where do you live? I'm in Charleston, South Carolina. Oh gosh, yeah, I kinda wanna live there. Do you love it?

I like it, but we're full, so don't move here. Oh, I know, you guys are like not into it. Although, who was just telling us that lives there, they like Californians? I think it was another armchair anonymous person. They had some distinction between what groups they liked. Okay, so you have a first responder story. Sure thing.

I've got two fun facts though for Dax real quick, if we have time. Yes. Dax, you and I have the same birthday, January 2nd. J2C, congratulations. Every time you say it, I'm like, yup, let's go J2C. And we both have kids named Lincoln. Oh.

You have a boy or a girl? A boy named Lincoln, yeah, he's nine. before I was a fan of the show and everything. Sweet! Do you wanna show your tattoo? I doubt I can. Yeah, I need a good look so I can get my matching one too. Yeah, exactly. J2C, what a crew.

Some people are just born blessed. Some people are A24V, and that's cool. Actually, it's cool, because A24, actually it's really cool. Oh, okay. It only works if you have another, there's no other A24V. I know so many people born on my birthday. On your birthday, but it's the July 2nd cancer that makes J2C so elusive. April 24, I guess you could be, but what's the sign for April?

Not V. V is the only... All right, Christian, sorry we ate up so much of your time with that. No, you're good. Okay, hit us with the first responder story. It was 2018. I worked EMS from 2015 to 2021. So a little bit about the geographics of my county.

The lower half is lots of cities, high population. The upper half is very country, very rural. Everything is far apart. So we've already got an extended ETA. We get dispatched to a motor vehicle accident, which is a very common call, neck and back pain type of stuff. We don't get very many details on this call. We're just going in blind. When we get there, the first thing we see is a car with very heavy damage. It's in a ditch next to a tree line and it's got smoke coming out, glass broken everywhere.

I mean, it looks like a movie set. Oh no. Police already there? No, so that's the weird thing. We show up, there's nobody there. I mean, it's dead silence. But the weirdest part is that there's no caller. Typically there's at least the caller.

I guess this was just a passerby. When I say it's dead silent, I mean, you can hear the squirrels in the tree line. That's about it. We go up to the vehicle expecting to find a patient. We don't see anyone. We're looking around. I'm looking down the street.

I'm looking under the car. I'm looking in the car. We're just trying to find this person because they could obviously be very, very hurt. Me and my partner are very confused. We can't find this guy. So we asked him dispatch for additional information and I keep hearing these damn squirrels in the tree. Oh no. I look up damn squirrels in the tree. Oh no.

I look up and 15 feet in the air, I see my patient being suspended by two tiny branches. Oh my God. And he's out cold, it seems. I immediately look at my partner and I say, oh fuck, he's dead. Yeah. Which is not very professional, but that's what happened.

Yeah, of course. That's for times. Immediately, we're like, what are we going to do? Luckily, fire shows up two minutes later. They're asking where the patient is, and we just kind of point up. Now, there's no protocol for getting a guy out of a tree. We just reach for the largest ladder on the truck, lean it up against the tree.

I think these ladders are made for like one guy, maybe two guys at a time. So weight distribution was kind of iffy, but we ended up creating like a human pyramid under the ladder with all the guys we could while me and my partner climbed up there with our gear. How come they didn't send the firefighter up? It feels like that's their domain. I volunteered. I wanted to be up there.

Okay. Okay. So I went up there and we packaged him as best we could we lifted his legs and we slid a Backboard under his belly between his belly and the branches We had to slide him face down onto the backboard get a collar on them as best we could strap him in and Then basically create a human chain to slide him down the ladder. Oh my god.

This seems impossible without losing him and him flying down the ladder and taking people out. Yeah. And keep in mind, he's also very injured. He's hardly breathing at this point. Oh god. So when we do finally get out there and get him looked at, we can obviously smell the booze because he had been drinking and driving.

We get him down, we get him onto the stretcher and then we start our assessment and everything. We immediately call for a helicopter, a medivacum, because again, we're out in the country. It's about 25, 30 minutes to the nearest trauma center. We get fired to set up an LZ landing zone. His breathing started declining very drastically. So we have what's called a rapid sequence intubation, an RSI. I've only assisted in maybe three RSI's in the five years that I was working there. It's very invasive. Basically what we do is we give them a paralytic and a sedative and we put them in a medically induced coma. We stop their breathing and we have to intubate them. This is going to be a hard call to make. Yeah, it's not done lightly, but when we do it, we do it right.

So we get them intubated, we drive them to the LZ, the helicopter's waiting for us, and then we turn them over to the flight team. They take their report, and of course, he's transported to the nearest trauma facility. As far as his injuries afterwards, he ended up having a massive brain bleed. When we showed up, I didn't see a big hole in the windshield. I think he was ejected out of the driver's side window. Oh my God. As the car was rolling.

And how did he get that high up? Fucking momentum. Well, think if you were on a seesaw and the seesaw went up at 60 miles an hour. That's how fast the car's probably tumbling. I would just think you'd get slowed down by your body getting out of the window. I've seen a lot of videos of people getting thrown

out of vehicles, cause dumbasses that off-road don't wear a seatbelt. I've seen that a bunch. It's crazy how easily the body just flies out the window. I think he was probably less injured because he was drunk. They say that when you're drunk, your body's more relaxed. Not telling anyone to go drunk dropping. No, don't do it. But if you're mid-crash,

do drink a fifth of Jack really quick. This is very ER. This is very the pit. I love it. You love it. I mean, I'm sorry for that guy. Don't you like how gangster Christian is? Like, I like these EMTs. They're just like, let's get going.

That's what the job is. You RSI. And you stopped doing it though? Yeah, I went into business for myself in 2021. So now I'm self-employed and that allows a lot of freedom for me to do Twitch. I probably stream about 80 hours a month. That's a lot.

You're busy. Now, have you ever been anywhere post this career and some shit's gone down and you've got to get involved? Yeah. Much like you, I feel like I have a hero complex. I want to get in there when I want to pull over, but luckily my wife is reasonable and says, listen, you can see them. They're good. No heroes needed. Oh wow. Well, thanks for sharing them. They're good. No heroes needed. Oh, wow.

Thanks for sharing that. That's wild. What a thing. Great meeting you. Have a great rest of your day. All right, take care. Take care. Bye. Bye.

I don't want anyone to have hero complexes, but I also get it. Yeah. Cause it is attractive when someone's a hero. Of course. I just watched an episode of ER. George Clooney rescued this boy. He was stuck in a sewer tunnel

and then it was starting to flood and he was starting to pass out. He got him out just in time. But then the water rushes and he can't find him and then he finds him and he lifts him up and he's a hero. Hi. Hi.

Is it Eliza? It is. Eliza, where are you? and he lifts him up and he's a hero. Hi. Hi. Is it Eliza? It is. Eliza, where are you? I am actually in LA, in Culver City. Oh, Monica was just stranded there. That's where I met Ted, my AAA driver, who is an angel. Oh yes, of course. I do feel guilty because we haven't reconnected.

I haven't called him about lunch. Yeah, you're gonna have to for the arm cherries because they were pretty invested in that. Oh my God. There was a lot of people wanting an update when you guys have lunch and get married. Oh, okay. And have a family.

Oh, great, okay. He could just send us screenshots and post those. That would be great. Maybe livestream the lunch. Okay, so you have a first responder story. I have a first responder story that takes place here in LA. And the reason I moved out here is because my boyfriend and I were doing long distance

between LA and New York for three years. He will feature heavily in this story. This story takes place August of 2024. I am not a trained first responder. My boyfriend is not a first responder. We stumbled into becoming first responders for an emergency. I'm not an adrenaline junkie in the way that I want to step in. I shut down. You don't have a hero complex. Absolutely not. So last summer, my cousin who is a musician

was having a choir concert with his group downtown and my boyfriend and I decided to go. I work sometimes from Downtown LA. So I'm familiar with Downtown proper, but not all of the neighborhoods. So this was somewhere that I'd never visited before. We are driving around looking for parking and you guys know how horrific parking in LA can be. This is more of a residential area though.

We can't find anything. We're turning down all these side streets. We finally are on a side street that looks promising. So we're going kind of slowly along to try to see whether there's any spots. I'm driving. My boyfriend's in the passenger seat. There's a nice silver BMW, and its front window

and back windows are smashed in. And there's little licks of flame on the front hood. Oh. And then notice there's two licks of flame on the front hood. Oh. And then notice there's two men near the car on the side of the road. One standing, shouting over the other one who is now rolling on the ground. And I'm clocking closer on the ground.

Fire is now on the lawn. Oh, no. And I don't know at this point if this is a hate crime, if there's an attack. This is happening within like 0.5 seconds. We notice, OK, this man is on fire. My boyfriend, who was an emergency responder in college...

Oh, wow. But still, OK. ...goes back into full hero mode. I shut down. So he gets out of the car. He's like, call 911. I'm going to go assess the situation. The man who was standing over is kind of standing to the side.

There's gasoline. And the man who was rolling on the ground has now stood up. Two things I clock immediately. He is fully naked and covered basically in third degree burns. Oh. Wow. Oh my god.

There's a can of gas in the mix too? That the guy's holding. There's still little embers on the lawn. I now get a hold of the police. I'm trying to tell them where I am because I'm not familiar with the neighborhood. I look over, the man who is fully nude is now stumbling to my car,

trying to get into the back seat to have me take him to the hospital. If I was witnessing this tableau, I have no guess at what's going on. Me too. Normally I'm like, oh, I can see what's happening here. Not to like, but did you feel that these people that you came across were potentially unhoused or on drugs?

No unhoused, no clue on drugs. Sure. The guy is trying to get in my car. I'm like, hey, thank you so much, please. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for trusting me. It's such a female response. Yeah, I'm so sorry to impose. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. mind. You could call it ZenSurance. Get affordable insurance for as little as $19 per month, quick and easy, whether you're self-employed, an entrepreneur, a contractor, or small business owner. ZenSurance offers the unique coverage you need in a snap. Get an instant price today at ZenSurance.com. At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me. And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives, callous jokes, and politics.

I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen, and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph. My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to

and leave with maybe some nuggets that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Reclaiming early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. What if your mind could trick your body into feeling sick? Or even worse? In Hysterical, I investigate the bizarre medical

mystery that unfolds in a high school in upstate New York. It starts with one girl developing strange, violent symptoms. And then another. And then another. Rumors begin to swirl. Is it something in the water? Inside the school? Or is it all in their heads? Hysterical is my search for answers. And along the way way I uncover surprising connections to unexplained incidents around the world. Events that challenge everything we think we know about our bodies and our minds. Named Podcast of the Year at the Gambys, Hysterical is a mind-bending, unforgettable ride. Binge all episodes right now, exclusively ad free on Wondery Plus.

Start your free trial of Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. I'm still on the phone. They now cross the street. His person follows him. My person follows him. They're now all going around the corner and down the street. So they're out of sight. The paramedics finally come. At this point, the lawn is still going. The fire is now completely engulfed the car. Oh!

The entire hood has melted off. It's a huge fire. All of the neighbors now are coming out. We realize they were watching and filming from the inside, but no one did anything, which I was really angry about at first, because I was like, how are you watching someone in an emergency? But also, I recognize my privilege in that

when I call the police, I feel safe. Right. Not everyone feels that, and everyone has their own reaction, so I think that's important to say. but also I recognize my privilege in that when I call the police, I feel safe. Right? Not everyone feels that and everyone has their own reaction. So I think that's important to say. I am now watching the police, try to get this car under control, try to get the neighbors to give some context and calling my boyfriend

because I have no idea where he is. Right, and you've got a choir show to see. Why did he leave? I've got a choir show. It turns out did he leave? I've got a choir show. It turns out this entire time while I'm calling him, he's on the phone with the police. My boyfriend is now trying to have him stay in one place. He keeps running, because he in his state of mind

is saying, I just need to get to the hospital, not realizing we brought the hospital to you. The paramedics are now talking to me, getting my statement, getting the neighbor's statements. They've put out the fire and are now picking up pieces of clothing and phones and things from the side of the road. They get the three stooges, my boyfriend, the other man, and the man on fire back and are now interviewing my boyfriend, getting the man who's on fire into the ambulance and

into wound treatment and trying to pull his boyfriend off to the side. Oh, no. Okay, okay. So I think it was a lover's tiff, to say the least, where person on fire smashed in the car as like a fuck you, lit it on fire and then was like, you made me do this because the boyfriend kept yelling over him, baby, why did you do this? I told you not to do this. Because the boyfriend kept yelling over him, baby, why did you do this?

I told you not to do this. What have you done? Oh. Did they live right there? No. The neighbors were like, we have no idea who these people are. I think they just pulled up.

Then we got back in the car, cried a lot, gathered ourselves, and went to the concert. A lot of adrenaline. And did the power of choir heal all wounds? It was very healing. You have to laugh at the absurdity of, here's the concert. A lot of adrenaline. And did the power of choir heal all wounds? It was very healing. You have to laugh at the absurdity of, here's a guy with his dick out on my Saturday night. Okay, I got a one second story for you.

It's about my brother. He was out of town on business. He's eating at a Taco Bell. He's by himself. He hears a collision. He looks out the window at Taco Bell, and there's a man that somehow has crashed his motorcycle but is on top of it as it slides, slides into the lawn of the Taco Bell and the motorcycle caught on fire and gas was

getting everywhere and the guy was on fire and my brother ran out of Taco Bell he took his shirt off to pat the guy down but my favorite part of the story is my brother said, I'm like batting this guy out and all I can think is I gotta get my shirt back on. Even while he was actively rescuing someone, he was like really insecure. He would not have taken his shirt off otherwise in front of Taco Bell. Yeah, a little bit of personal sacrifice.

Yeah, I just think it's so human to be saving someone's life and thinking, fuck, I gotta get this shirt back on before anyone looks at my belly. The thing that kept coming to my mind was like, we've gotta cover him, like the decency of it, but meanwhile, he's got third degree burns, that is not his priority. Right. No.

I wonder if his penis got burnt in that. I did put it in the submission, because I thought you might be curious. He had legitimately the largest dick I've ever seen in my entire life. No! Wow. Like comparable to the microphone.

I'm glad you had the presence of mind to just check. Or maybe it couldn't be avoided. You couldn't miss it. It was front and center. And that's flaccid because he definitely wasn't hard while he was on fire. Who knows, maybe fire excites. Except it seems like the one on fire

is actually the one that was mad. Because his boyfriend found someone with an even bigger penis. That feels unlikely to give him the size. It's low probability. Wow. Thank you for telling me that detail. Of course, I feel so grateful

to be able to talk to you guys right now. I have three quick little shout-outs. Is that okay? Yes, of course. Jess and Alexa are two of my good friends who are also huge armchairs, and every week talking about what the episode was, what our takeaways are. So shout-out, Jess, Alexa. Love you guys.

The other one, Dak, specifically for you, I just wanted to say thank you because my family has been touched by addiction a lot and it's not always in the media as much or in people's forefront of their minds about recovery and the life after. I think it's really important to show how much after recovery you still have to keep working at it and it's a lifelong battle and it's not just you recover and then you're good. It's a bummer.

It's like the gym that way. You gotta keep going. Can't get the perfect abs and then quit. Yeah, exactly. My cousin is fully recovered and now runs a recovery clinic. So it's been really amazing to see his journey and see yours as well. And then for me personally,

I actually went through an eating disorder recovery a couple of years ago and during mealtime, every time is obviously a struggle. So I would put you guys on and have a moment to laugh or cry or learn something. And I got through it bite by bite with you. So thank you so much for that. Thank you.

Did you like the Nikki episode, Nikki Glaser? Oh yes, yes, yes. I love how open she is about all that. I think it's so important because I think everyone has some type of warped relationship with food. And it's not something that I am embarrassed about at all. I think it's so important to talk about.

So again, I just really feel grateful to you guys for helping me on that journey. Well, thanks, Eliza. This was a delight. Nice meeting you. Have a great day. Thank you guys so much. Bye. Hello, is this Daphne?

Hi, it is. You're in your closet. I tried to follow the rules. Are you allowed to tell us what state you're in? I'm in Wisconsin. Oh, okay, great. Okay, so you have a first responder story. I do.

So this was when I first started. It was within my first couple of weeks working as an EMT. So I was pretty green. Also for a little bit of context, when you first started at least at the company I worked at, there's such a hierarchy. When you're new, you're doing all the work nobody wants to do. So all like cleaning up the GI bleed, Oh, picking up the heavy parts of the pay shift, changing diapers, like all the crazy stuff that people who've been there longer don't want to do. That's entirely on you.

Can I ask what led you to the job in the first place? I'm a little bit curious. Mine was a little bit untraditional. I actually majored in philosophy, but my college job, I was an outdoor trip leader, so I had to get a Wilderness First Responder certification and just really fell in love with it. Oh, amazing.

So after college, I tried a couple of jobs and nothing really stuck and I ended up going back to get my EMT because I just loved my first cert so much. Are you a bit of an adrenaline junkie? I would say so. Working in an emergency, you kind of have to be, but at the same time it also tames it a little bit because you see all the crazy shit that can happen. Yeah. I'm like a moderate adrenaline junkie, I'd say.

Are you watching The Pit? No, but I've heard it's good. You're gonna love it. And pretty accurate. But that's like asking us if we watched a show about podcasting. Yeah, like Only Murders in the Building. Yes, I have.

Good point. Yeah, I mean, it's a great show. So the partner who I was paired up with, you could tell that he had one foot out of the door, was ready to retire and go to Boca and spend all his money gambling years ago. What is the average career expectancy? I don't feel like I see a lot of older EMTs. I was told that their turnaround rate is like six months. So it's pretty quick. Also, the place

where I worked, it was a lot of people who they were starting as an EMT, but they wanted to go to med school or PA school or nursing school. This was kind of like the first step to get some experience. Gotcha. So we got a call and the call is super vague. It was just for a sick person. And that was also a red flag because usually the more vague the chief complaint is, the more unhinged it is when you actually get there. Oh, interesting. We go to the apartment, the elevator going up is teeny tiny, like it barely fits my partner and I and the stretcher in there.

We get all the way up, knock on the door, introduce ourselves, walk in, and immediately when I open the door, I'm hit with this wave of just a blinding smell. And a smell that I had never smelled before up until this point. Oh. Never smelled it. My God.

And it smelled like a mix of hay, like from a horse, poop, sulfur, and burnt anything. Okay. Oh, interesting. Oh, hay. Hurry. A horse trots out of the bedroom. I would have taken that over what happened. Oh no.

So all of a sudden we see the patient, he stands up, he has a walker, he's walking over. I could tell he's walking a little funny, like his gait is a little off, but nothing too crazy. And he's wearing what I thought were black compression socks. And the lower part of his legs looked a little different from the rest of his body. But who am I to judge? Right. Is he wearing shorts? Yeah, he's wearing like basketball shorts.

And also as he's walking over, the smell is getting stronger and I hear this kind of squishing sound with each footstep. No, no, no. This is bringing me back to that bar in Canada. I know. Oh, wow.

Okay, do you guys remember that one? Oh my God, no one can listen to this. Okay. Okay, squish, squish, squish. Different colored legs. He's squishing his way over, and then I go over to help him. I wanna give him a hand.

When I get over, I look down, and I realize, oh, those aren't compression socks. That's completely necrotic tissue from the knee down. His legs are dead. Oh my God. They're gone. Oh. And that squishing sound was them sloughing off

with each step, like tissue coming off. No! No, stop! Oh my fucking, this is like as close as you can get to discovering a zombie. The top 75% of his body was a normal average Joe. Bottom half was some shit out of The Walking Dead. Okay, I have to be honest, I thought it was gonna be

that he cut off his legs and he put horse legs on. Oh wow. Monica, that's a very. Because of the hay. Oh. And then there's a horse in his bedroom with human legs. So he was a centaur. Did he just swap them?

It was a transplant? He wanted to become a centaur, he was a little mentally ill. So his fucking foot is falling apart as he walks. Yes, it looked like a mudslide. Every shade of yellow, red, brown that you can imagine. How old were you at this point? 21.

No, you're too young to have seen something like that. I keep my cool. I'm not here to judge anybody. I'm just here to get you to the hospital safely. So I take him to the stretcher. And my partner looks at me and he's like, I'm not touching that. And I was like, OK, I'm not surprised. So I held him into the stretcher and my partner looks at me and he's like, I'm not touching that. And I was like, okay, I'm not surprised. So I held him into the stretcher and he obviously

needs help getting his lower half up. I'm trying to think of the most gentle way to go about this. You know, I don't want to cause any more damage. So I go down by his ankles and lift his legs up. And as I do, I feel my fingers squish into him it felt like jam no! jam! why? of course preserves is it a bone?

the bones not out yet but it doesn't look like it's that far away so we get back to the elevator my partner doesn't get into the elevator he's like I'm taking the next one you got this jam this guy sucks this guy is a real piece of shit. A fucking 21 year old girl, he was like, deal with it, that's why I'm in Boca. I'm already in Boca.

Yeah, so I'm squished between him and the elevator wall. Can I ask what his demeanor is? Because I have a story very similar to this from an ER doctor I know, who had someone get brought in that was a shut-in, and they had a lot of necrotic flesh and I don't think they knew, they were kind of just embarrassed. Like what was his vibe?

He was in a great mood. He was chatting it up with me. I'm trying to banter with him a little bit but it's so thick and literally blinding. Like I was having a hard time opening my eye. Oh my God. Of course. Did he acknowledge that his legs were dead? Verbatim, he said, Oh, it's just a little leg pain, eyes. Oh my god. Did he acknowledge that his legs were dead? Verbatim, he said.

Oh, it's just a little leg pain. No big deal. Wow. No. We got into the ambulance. It's a hot summer day and also this ambulance has no air conditioning, no ventilation, nothing. And my partner, of course, has me sit in the back with him and closes the only window between the front and the back. I'm trying to bandage this up, trying to do anything to make him more comfortable,

but it's just soaking through. Nothing's working. He needs extensive wound care. We just need to get on the road and get him to a hospital. And of course he wants the one that's the farthest away from where we are. And in the ambulance ride over, ambulances have no suspension at all. And we're going on the highway and this is oozing the amount of liquid that's coming out was insane so I'm just being jostled around it's splashing everywhere like it felt like being at a water park stop I did not sign up for oh my god and can you wear a hazmat suit looking back I probably should have but at that point I don't think I even knew where those were, the ambulance. He might have been a little disassociated,

like, let's just get through this. Yeah, it's just every body fluid you can imagine, plus chunks of tissue. Oh! Don't say chunks! I'm trying all the tricks for the smell, too. At that point, the smell was the least of it, but I was sticking alcohol pads in my mask

and rubbing hand sanitizer on the outside, just trying to do anything, while also still trying to be discreet because I'm not trying to make this guy feel bad about himself. He's already going through it. I'm just like, okay, this is my life for the next hour. I would have said, no, you're going to the one down the road. I wish we could, but I think at that point it technically would have been like medical kidnapping or something like that. I feel like take them where they don't want to go. Okay. So we get to the hospital finally and we roll him in and we're doing the handoff report to the nurses.

We're talking to them. My partner finally comes in like puffing his chest, giving report like he did everything as he's giving report. I noticed he's starting to pause between words and then his face is starting to get really red. And then he starts going, ooh, ooh. He runs into the hallway and vomits everywhere. Oh.

And completely misses the trash can. Oh my God. This guy is a bozo. We do the handoff, that's done. I walk into the hallway, there's vomit everywhere, and there's tracks from the wheels of our stretcher, like bits of leg and blood and pus. This is like saw or something.

Wow. Do you ever get any follow-up on what happens to these people? Like, do you see the ER people a month later and go like, what happened? Yeah, I didn't do that with this guy. I have, however, seen patients in the wild before after I've taken care of them. And that's always crazy. Do you say hi? You don't say hi. I don't say hi. But there's this one guy who had his throat slit. He

didn't want to go to the hospital. Oh, and he was bleeding out of his eyes, ears, nose. And I was like, you have to go. But he refused and he was his own person mentally. So there's nothing you can do. And I saw him biking like three weeks later. Oh, so he made the right call. Wow.

Wow, that's good. They call that AMA against medical advice. You learned that in a pit. Yeah, yeah, you have to sign a form. It's very official, but I spent the next three hours cleaning out the hallway. You had to clean it? I wasn't gonna leave it.

You're a good person. Oh, you're an angel. What about the puke? Did homeboy clean up his own puke? Yes, and then with the ambulance, there was no equipment or anything for me to use, so I was just wiping that up with paper towel, disinfectant wipes. Yeah, you gotta call dispatch and go like,

hey, we need about an hour to clean up. We need to blow up this ambulance. And we need to fire Mike and send him to fucking Boca. I can't believe you didn't quit your job after that. I came close, I thought about it, but you kind of know what you're getting into. I mean, do you? I can't imagine you think like,

I'm gonna show up and someone's legs are gonna be falling off real time. That's really out of a- I'm gonna show up, someone will have cut off their legs and put horse legs on it. Right, a horse transplant. Who could be ready for that? I wouldn't put it past somebody.

Our last question, because when we interviewed nurses, they all have a foreign body and rectum story. Did you respond to any of those? Yes. Oh, wow, twofer. I've seen a wine bottle. Okay. Oh, wow. With the cork or without?

I don't know because I didn't take it out. Okay, yeah. It's gotta be empty, I would guess. There's three options. There's a wine bottle corked, there's an empty wine bottle, and there's a wine bottle that you drank some and then you put the stopper in.

That seems craziest to me because the fluid could pop up. Maybe that's what they like. Yeah, it's kind of a two for one deal. Maybe they put a champagne bottle in there, then you pop the cork and it explodes right when you're... Oh, that's kind of... That sounds mindful.

I haven't seen that yet. But someone did have a wine bottle and you put them face down on the stretcher, I guess? We had them on their side, face down, technically, it's like a airway issue. Did they make any explanation as to what had happened or no? Just, I need to go to the hospital.

I feel like people either really overcompensate for it and try to say like, I was cleaning and I tripped and I fell. There's a Sedaris story about the people say they tripped and fell and he's like, I'm so clumsy. I've fallen down naked many times, never stood up and there was a candle in my ass. Not one. What's the second version? They're just silent because they know that you know.

That's best. Are you done with that line of work? No, so I'm still doing it now. So I work in an emergency room and I started nursing school this fall. Oh great. I can't wait for you to watch the pit. You're gonna love it.

Well Daphne, this was a delight. This is among the very worst stories we've heard. What an accomplishment. I'm so glad. Well, thank you so much for your time and for having me. Can I give a quick shout out? Yes. Of course, we love shout outs. I just wanna shout out Caroline, Tate, and Emily,

my three favorite people, I love them so much. And to you guys, I just wanna say that sometimes when you work in this field, the drive home can be kinda tough. If you have a bad day, that's kinda when you start reflecting and things can feel a little heavy. So whenever that happens, I always put on armchair

and it makes me feel so much better. So I just wanna thank you guys for bringing some levity to that. I can't take that in knowing what you've done for the world. I'm gonna take it. I'm choosing today to take it. My self-esteem is good. Wow.

And I'm gonna go, all right, that's great. Well, thank you. Thank you. This is a real barn burner, as we say. High water mark for Armchair Anonymous. Nice meeting you. Have a great day. Likewise. Bye.

Just do a prompt, tell us about your favorite episode of the pit or ER. It'll be me calling into every single episode. You know, that drive back is, I think, intense because Cheche, the four-year-old who died of AIDS. On the show? George Clooney and a woman medical student, they were the ones dealing with Cheche and then he died and then they had to have sex to feel better.

Okay. I understand. Yeah. Hello, can you hear me? Oh, yes. Yes, is this Grant? This is me. Where are you from, Grant? I'm from Boston area. We like the Boston area.

Yeah, do you know Ben and Matt? Ben and Matt, no. Okay. I don't. He doesn't even know who you're referencing. I know. I'm sorry, I don't, I don't. Matt Damon and Ben Halflex. Yeah, they're my neighbors actually.

Oh cool. Now that you have the last name, it makes sense. So you have a first responder story. Yes, I hope it's okay. So I was working as an EMT out in a rural area. I was a college student out there and working on the side. And just to sort of lay the ground for this area, there's a regional hospital that has like an ED, but not like a trauma center or anything. And

then 30 minutes away, there's more of a trauma center. But I was working one day and we got a call from the hospital that said they need help moving someone from the parking lot into the hospital. Hospitals have rules where they can't move people. But anyways, we go up and we find this woman sitting on an ATV and two things sort of stood out to me right away. One is that the ATV is perfectly parked and I just think that that's really impressive. Two is that there is some blood coming down her leg. And as soon as we show up, she's like, I'm so sorry that they called you.

I'm sure somebody else is dying. You guys should go take care of someone else first. We're like, no, it's fine. Tell us what happened. She's wearing really tight skinny jeans. We're exposing her leg trying to figure out where the bleeding's coming from. And she said she was riding up on the mountain range close by with her boyfriend when they flipped over the ATV. Both got hurt, got back on the ATV and rode it at least half an hour down presumably some trail and

then the road to get to the hospital. As she's telling the story, we expose her leg and she has this open fracture of her fibula and tibula on her leg. The bone has basically pierced the skin. That's a bad injury. Yeah, fuck. You can bleed out. Your body's opened up to the world at that point.

Exactly. Oh, that's the nightmare, seeing your bone stick out of your leg. She didn't realize it because she was wearing tight jeans, but she still got all the way there with the bone stick out of your leg. She didn't realize she was wearing tight jeans, but she still got all the way there with the bone sticking out of her leg. So we are like, OK, this is not very health school for you. We're going to have to take you somewhere else. We're like loading her into the ambulance and she's like, please, I'll call a taxi.

I'll call a friend to take me. Somebody else is dying and you need to go save them. Like, I'm sure somebody else is dying. I'm sure you guys have more important things to do. I should be last on the list. And we're like, no, your bone sticking out of your leg. This is a completely reasonable reason for an ambulance. We can take you.

We eventually administer, get her in the ambulance, rush her down to the main hospital. And on the way for each bump we're hitting, she's like dropping expletives. After each time she's like, pardon my French. I'm so sorry that I swore. Is she a nun or something? Like what's going on?

We're like, for all you want, you have a bone sticking out of your body. That's I'm sure incredibly painful. And the paramedics, you know, giving her pain meds, but they only do so much at that dose. Throughout the drive, she's truly like, you can pull over on the side, I'll call a taxi. This is why.

We get her to the hospital, we drop her off. And she's like, thank you so much. I'll find you after I'll take you out to lunch. I'll give you guys ice cream or something like thank you for taking time out of your day. We get paid for this. You're welcome. I leave the hospital just in awe because typically we have people that don't really need an ambulance. The opposite situation. Yeah. And so I tell absolutely everybody about this amazing patient that I had. I'm like, she is the best patient I've ever had

for all these reasons. Not to mention she parked perfectly. Impressive parking skills. And the boyfriend was nowhere to be found. I think he broke his shoulder so he could walk into the ED. So he walked in and was like, my girlfriend can't walk in, can someone go help her? So anyways, that was over the summer, people come back, I'm still telling people about this best patient that I've ever had. So he walked in and was like, my girlfriend can't walk in. Can someone go help her? So

anyways, that was over the summer. People come back. I'm still telling people about this best patient that I've ever had. And I'm reading the newspaper a couple months later in the fall and there's been a murder in the town. And I'm like, Oh, that's interesting. Obviously I'm going to click on that. And I'm reading and it's like so and so has been murdered. So and so is in custody. They show a photo and the name, and I'm like, why do I recognize that person? And the person in the photo is like in a wheelchair. Like, that's my best patient. That's my best patient that is being accused of murdering her grandmother on Halloween with a paperweight and scissors on Halloween with a paperweight and scissors for a million dollars in inheritance money.

No! Oh, wow! This is such a left turn. Oh my God, biggest left turn ever. She was probably apologizing why she killed her. I'm so sorry, I really want a million dollars. I was shocked. Oh my God. That's crazy.

Was she in a wheelchair from that event with the leg? Presumably. Yeah, she broke her leg in half. Or do you think she did it on purpose to sue the ATV company? Oh wow, you think she's just trying to get some money? Oh, you think it's wild? She murdered her grandma.

First of all, she has not been found guilty. She's pleading not guilty. So just to be clear. So this is all alleged. One article said that there's evidence of a second person's DNA. So it could be a tag team thing. Maybe the husband. The boyfriend.

Yeah, the broken shoulder. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly she killed her for the inheritance for drugs, which also makes me think maybe she got an opioid addiction from the injury itself. Or she was on opiates. They were fucked up, which is why she was kind of handling it so well. And was was on opiates. They were fucked up,

which is why she was kind of handling it so well. And was able to ride on it. That's something that I didn't consider. Wow, are you at all considering going to the trial? No, because you don't live out there anymore? Yeah, I don't live out there anymore, but I feel like I'm gonna leave her. It's my best impression of her.

No, we need to know. I'd be so intrigued to find out what's going on with this person. Why is she so nice? But when they say like, you never know, she would be the last person you would have guessed. I mean, I sat there in the library of shock. This is the person that I've been telling everybody about.

Yes, your hero. Truly, and I'm still looking for a new best patient. Nobody has fulfilled that yet. Wow, murder. Boy, I did not see that coming. The nicest murder. Delicious. That's what they'll call the doc.

The Dateline. America's sweetheart murderer. This would be a good Dateline, you're right. Yeah, hopefully they'll interview you. You really got taken advantage of a little bit. Not taken, that's not the word. You really got tricked? Fooled. Fooled.

Fooled, you got fooled. Fooled, 20 ones. Are you still in the EMT game? I actually just lost my license at the start of April because it expired, not because of anything that I did. Right. Are you gonna re-up? I'm in med school now,

so I will be getting the different degree. Wow. Yeah. Well, thanks for that story. That was wild. Thank you for having me. Have a great rest of your day. Bye. All right, take care. I forgot to ask him if he's watched The Pit.

I can't believe you did. Oh my God. One slipped through. Are you chomping at the bit to go home and watch ER and The Pit? Obviously. I think actually tonight is the finale of The Pit. Oh my God.

That's so interesting. They're doing regular drops for that show. I hate it, but I love it. We have a mixed feeling about the delayed. I, there's a, yeah, we'll talk about it. We'll save this for the, yeah. All right. All right. Love you. Love you.

Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of Armchairs we'll get some suggestions On the flyer, I'm dish, on the flyondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining

Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.