Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Foreign Object in Butt III

Episode Date: June 26, 2026

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story about finding a foreign object in a patient's butt.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hello. What is it today? Foreign objects, baby. You guys. Guys.

This one hits. No, the last one. There's two. Yeah, yeah. You're right. They all are wild. But there are two that you'll never be able to unhear. And you're going to hear Monica scream a ton.

So keep your volume at like, I guess, there's always. These trigger warnings? This is like an ear safety warning. I would probably not listen to this one with your children. There's some real sensitive stuff actually in here. Insensitive areas, sharp objects. Please enjoy foreign objects in body part three. Time.

Come and go. Good times. Take them slow. I had them both. I remember one thing. You got to know. I'm looking for shiny Hello

How are you? Are you Randy? I am. Where are you, Randy? Well, I'm currently in Orlando. I'm on a road trip. Ooh. I met one of my son's house.

When I heard about this, we had to stop here on our way to our destination so I could use this computer. Oh, that's nice. We appreciate you interrupting your road trip to tell us this story. This is our favorite prompt. We love this prompt. Yeah, we do.

A retired paramed. I was a paramedic for 35 years in a major metropolitan area. Of course, I've got a thousand, thousand stories. I'm sure. But some of these are more unique than others. Okay. The more unique, the better. My partner and I were sitting at the station,

and the call comes in from dispatch that says, two, four, two five, self-inflicted trauma involving a foreign object. And really quick, what does that normally mean to you? What's like the highest probability that means? Self-inflicted trauma, usually they're not that detailed. They'll call it an unknown medical or they'll call it a personal injury. But this one happened to come in, a little more description to it. We're just kind of wondering, what can this be?

Every time I think I've seen it all, I see something I've never seen before. So anyway, they're knocking the door and the middle-aged woman answers the door and she's start up. She's going, you must have the wrong address. And call 911. You better check with dispatch. we called dispatch to verify the address and the name of the caller. And I said, well, it wasn't a woman's name.

I said, well, this is the name of the collar. And she said, that's my son. He's upstairs. Oh, no. Okay. Well, maybe we should go check on your son. We walked up there and we find that he's around 14 years old and he's laying in bed. He's got blanket over him and he's very reluctant to answer any questions.

He has a hard age for this. Yeah. Oh, no. I said, how do you feel? He says, well, I've been a lot of pain. So then he asked for his mother to leave the room. And it was more forthcoming with his complaint.

So then we looked at him and he had what I would describe as a super-soaker 1,000 up his rectum. Okay, an enormous squirt gun? Well, this particular model had an attachment to it that allowed this to happen. There's a tube on the end of it. He asked if we could take care of him at that point. And we sometimes try to do things like that. You know, we'll grease it up with a little K-Y jelly since we could get it removed. And it wasn't working very well.

He said, well, at this way, we're going to have to transport you to the hospital. Randy, if you could explain to some detail, I'm picturing a big water gun. Is the barrel in his rectum or is the water tank in his rectum or is the entire device in it? The barrel in the water tank, I wouldn't think it would fit. There was a hose attachment to it that allowed a stronger stream. might, I would presume. Okay. Interesting.

Okay. I want to have to do some Googling after this. So it sounds like this might have started as like a hydro experiment. Like, oh, I might like the sensation of water spraying in my ass. Like a bidet. A makeship bidet. Enema, yeah. Or an emma, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yes. We did detest the main water tank on it by severing that from the tube. So we didn't have to transport the whole thing in. And then we did bring him to the hospital where he was. sedated and the thing was removed. He had a lot of splain in the dude after that. It was pretty dangerous.

I can't think of any thing. I was already so paranoid my mother would discover I was just masturbating, old-fashioned masturbating. Let alone. I just can't imagine the horror I would experience having to tell my mother that that water pistol she got me. Oh, I used in my bedroom. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my God. He called 911 without her knowledge. I think he thought maybe he could pull it off. Right. Oh, man. He thought he could pull off a lot of stuff that day. He sure did. He learned a lot.

So did you have to tell the mom? We have to take him to the hospital. And she's like, why? Well, at that point where we figured we'd have to try to remove it, we got her involved. Oh. Because she was quite nervous. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, of course.

And you want some parental consent when you're going to remove something from a minor's anus. The parental consent, even when he's conscious like that, I explained to the 14-year-old rather quickly that you don't want your mother in here, but we have to get her involved. Randy, did you make any effort to alleviate his shame? Did you go like, hey, brother, just so you know, this happens all the time. Well, I didn't say it happens all the time. I told him, I said I was his age once.

Oh, that's nice. The orientation is something that's rather calm. Of course, yes. That's right. I didn't get any of the details on that. Your own experimentation. The important thing is you're not hurting anybody else. Yeah.

Just yourself. Yeah. What if the mom had walked in the room and he was mid-sentence going, well, when I was your age, I put a cactus in my rectum. So what you did was pretty sane. Yeah. Or a live animal for that. Sure, we've heard those stories.

Oh. And what's funny, Scott, is you said it wasn't a woman's name on the call. And I just want to say, we have now done this prompt quite a few times. And I'm accumulating stories as I move through the world. And I just want to say, it's never going to be a woman's name. Yeah. It's really rare. This seems to be a very male endeavor. I suppose if I look back at my career, I would agree with you. Oh, man. Yikes. Well, Randy, where are you heading? Where's the road trip conclude? We're going to go to New Smyr Beach. That's on the east coast of Florida. Okay, great.

We're traveling with my in-laws who've just moved here about a year ago, and they've never been at the Kennedy Space Center. Ooh, fun. That's our destination, and my sister owns a condo in New Smyrna Beach, so we're going to stay there for a couple of days. Lovely. Where did you live before you retired in Florida? North when it was very cold, and I love retirement.

Oh, good. I don't miss the challenges and the excitement of the job. That's great, because a lot of people don't do well with retirement. There really is an art to it. Yeah, what's the secret as I near it? You take up a hobby, you golf, you own a home that's not brand new, that needs some improvements, and that's kept me busy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You need to be busy, right, doing something. If you're not busy, then bad things, I think, can resolve it. You deteriorate. Yeah. If your muscles aren't being used, they kind of have a memory that says, well, if you're not going to use me, I'm just going to go away. Yeah, I'm not going to expend energy on supporting you if I'm not needed. Right.

And I did that job for 35. years and that was a long time. That is. We've interviewed a lot of first responders. And yeah, generally they don't do 20 years. Yeah, yeah. And a very high stimuli. So I'm sure you feel happy to be out of that. Yeah. People say, well, you must have liked your job. And I said, I don't think so. I must have loved her. Yeah, that's right. So nice to chat with you. Yeah, Randy. A delight to meet you. And I appreciate the story. I just want to say one last thing. My daughter's a big fan of yours. Her name is Megan. She lives in California. and she's a film editor. Ooh.

Oh. She wanted me to say she loves your show and just say help. Well, thank you, tell Megan. Yes, Megan. Thank you so much for encouraging your father to submit. Yeah, we appreciate you. Yeah, yeah. It's been a lot of fun talking to you.

All right. Have a good trip. Thank you. All right. Bye. I wish he had a photo of that water sprayer because I was having a hard time. What did he call it super soaker? But with a hose.

Oh, 1,000. I think he said 3,000. 10,000. Oh, wow. I mean, vintage. This is a vintage one from 1997. Well, it was a while ago. Let me see if I'm seeing a hose.

Yeah, this is exactly what I was picturing, but I'm like, what's the, oh, there is a hose along the side there. Oh, so do we think he put the hose in? But that one gets stuck in your ass. You could jerk a hose out just fine. There had to be some big, bulbous end of it stuck in the rectal. But he kept referring to the ho. I wish he referred to the cavity more.

I think it was a super soaker because it's labeled pretty clearly on these things. Yeah. Or like maybe this. No, that's Nerf. Oh, it's taking me to DoorDash now. Vintage. These are fun. Wow, this vintage one's $282.

You should buy one and put it in your butt and see how it feels. All right. Oh, I was going to say it is weird that the stories aren't females because I do think generally women have more stuff up there. Anal beads. Like, it's more. Socially. Yes.

Socially, it's more of a thing. Yeah, I think there's a couple factors. One, women don't have a prostate. They're not trying to explore some heightened, you know, they might enjoy the tension, but they're not in search of the male G spot. No, yeah, I think it's more like in a sexual experience with a man. And then I also don't think there is bold. right to tell it.

Like, oh, I think I'll put that entire fucking king. I think they're more reasonable. We're doing it in secrecy. I don't think they're doing it in secrecy. I think they're doing it in sex. And I'm just surprised there aren't more mistakes. Anyway. John, can you hear us?

Yeah, can you guys hear me? Yeah. Absolutely. All right. How are you guys? Good. Did you get stressed out about connecting? I had a little bit of a panic attack.

Yeah. Don't worry. So standard. It's always a bit of a challenge. All right. Where are you? I'm going to see if you guys can guess. You guys are pretty good at guessing.

I think you're at a hospital. I am. Oh, shit. I thought it was a classroom. Any idea what state? Oh, wow. I'd be basing this on Texas. Tiles and this blue background.

I'm going to go Ohio. You're damn good, sir. No. Are you kidding me? Wow. Yes, sir. You just made my year. That might be my best guess.

I have almost no details. For the listener, all we see is a green wall in a ceiling. Great. You're in Ohio? I'll leave it at that. I need to kind of keep it a little vague. Surely. And what line of work are you in, John? I'm an ER nurse. Okay. You see it all.

Yes, sir. We are excited. How long have you been doing that? About 14 years. Great. And are you fatiguing at all? Or are you still inspired? Comes and goes. There's some days where it's pretty fatiguing. Other days, it's inspiring. How are you feeling about the pit? I love it. Most realistic medical drama since E.R. Yeah, it's so good. Yeah. I love it. And really quick, did you know from a young boy that you wanted to go into this?

No, I wanted to be a sniper in the military. So either save people or kill people, want I'm saying. I'll be on either end of that spectrum. Kill or save. Okay, so, and then would I be writing guessing that you probably had to pick between many foreign objects? Yeah, I've submitted a couple different ones. Oh, great. Well, please, walk us through the one that you selected for today.

This was back in 2013, just after I was off orientation, so I'm a brand new grad. And it was like one of my first shifts off orientation. And the person I was sharing a part of the department with was going to lunch. And they had a patient come in. So I was trying to be a good co-worker. I'm going to get this patient settled. So I look up and there's an older gentleman on an EMS stretcher laying on his side. So I'm like, could be anything. So get him in there. And I'm like, you know, what's going on? He goes, I'm having some pain down there and a little bit of blood. Okay. I'm like, okay, that's cool, whatever. So it's not. So. Start doing everything.

Doctor comes in and he's doing his regular questions and he said, was there any chance he stuck something up there? The guy's like, absolutely not. Nope, no way. And so he's like, okay, well, since you did say that you were bleeding, we have to do a rectal exam. You have to have a witness. So me being the nurse, I was in there just kind of being a witness.

And the doctor does what he did. And when he pulled his finger out, he had a little bit of like clear plastic on his glarf. Oh, clear plastic. I probably could explain it better. would give it away. Okay, great, great, great. So he's like, are you sure there's nothing up there?

And he's like, nope, nothing's up there. Can we just talk for a second about the psychology of someone who comes in? What's so interesting is this is very common. We keep hearing people like, they think they're going to be able to deny it all is happening while also getting treated for it. I know. I feel like it's one of the more unique patients that can arrive at the hospitals because like they're not going to help you figure it out.

They go into a weird spot in their brain, fight or flight. Save their life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As I've gained experience, I've, I've told him, like, I don't care. We're going to help you regardless. Just be honest with us so we can make it a lot quicker. Yeah.

Do you think it would be helpful? This would comfort me. We were just talking to someone. If you were to say to the person like, hey, by the way, we get a hundred of these a year. This is average stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I would feel comfortable by that. Because I bet when you're on your way there, you think you're the only person that needed to go to the hospital for this.

This might have been the only time this person ever, but we don't know the story yet, but we'll have to see. Draw some blood work on the doctor sends them over for CT. and I had sent a picture of the CT. We have it. I sent three pictures. Okay. Oh, my. I'm so excited.

We do. I feel like Christmas morning. Okay. What do you see? Okay. So here we go, Monica. I see I'll see I'm, I see the hips. The first one looking at there should be like three circles.

Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay. It's really far up there. Yeah, really far. And it's three stripe. It looks like a fidget spinner almost, but it's not. Okay.

Right. Okay. We get those back. and the doctor's like, listen, sir, I've been doing this a long time. Just be honest with me. So he finally broke down and admitted that his wife was out of town. Always. The wife is always.

Wives cannot go out of town. They can. He had wanted to feel what it felt like. So he went to the fridge and he got Broughtwurst. Oh. Brought worst. Not a brought worst. He put one.

No. Thought it felt pretty good. Thought two would be better. Yeah. Yeah. So then those are three brought worse. Oh, no. No.

Oh, let me see. Can I see that? I can so relate to this person. What? It's my whole thing with Wyoming an addict. It's like, oh, this one pill felt great. Of course two will feel better. And then, of course, three will feel better.

What's the plastic? Oh, like the wrapping? The casing. The casein. This is coming up on July 4th when everyone's going to be cooking these up. Very patriotic. I hope you keep this in mind. Because I was just trying to celebrate our country's birthday.

Ew. A couple days later, the surgeon was down there because they had to take him to surgery to get them out. And where I'm at, there's a couple hospitals in the area. And the surgeon was talking to a buddy of his at the other hospital. We'll come to find out the guy had been over there. with a different Those other two pictures No

Oh I wondered I was like I don't understand How this is three Bratwors Oh no Oh my goodness What is Which one are you looking at So I'm looking at like again

This guy's pelvis And then there is a large object Silhouetted That's really far off to the right It doesn't look like you would But anyways yeah What are we looking at I'm sure you guys like to travel a lot

When you take your toothbrush you get a plastic holder that the toothbrush goes in. That was his final one. He ended up having a claustomy after that. No. Oh, my God. That's so sad. He is really addicted to this.

But it's not even that he's addicted to it. That's so puzzling. It's that you got something lost in there. I would think minimally you'd go, okay, next time I need a string attached to whatever. I'm putting in my butt. Or, you know, some game plan. Go ahead and keep pursuing this, but do it a little.

Well, don't keep pursuing it. You've already had to go to the hospital. Okay. And it's bad. And then you went again. So that's a two. And then you went again. Yeah.

Three strikes you're out is what you're saying. The other picture. Yeah. What's this one? Takes place shortly after the Bratwurst. Oh. Any guesses on what that could be. It looks like a dildo, honestly, but it's confusing.

It's not. Yeah. Is it a microphone? You know what it weirdly looks like? It looks like his spinal column. What if he stole one from a museum? What did our parents always tell us would keep a doctor if we ate it? An apple?

Oh, it's this. Oh, it's the dark thing. It's the dark piece. Okay, so he really was into food. In two of the events, yeah. Until the. And then oral hygiene. Wow.

It's all connected. I've eaten so much food down there. I got to clean up. I got a brush. So I'm giving cavities. Oh, this looks like an apple that's been cut in hair. He didn't want rectal cavities. It was full.

It wasn't cut in half, but he did core it. or he put was able to get a string through it. Oh. So see, he was trying. That's how they got it out? Yeah. Oh. Oh my God.

So the Brought was required surgery. Did the toothbrush container require surgery? They had to actually open his belly. They took out some of his bowel because it had died. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, this is horrible. How old is this man? I blame the wife.

It sounds like she was traveling too much. She traveled so much. Why could she say put? Don't blame her. She had to get out of that house. How oldish was this person? Late 50s. Okay.

Okay. That Jack Shepherd type. Yeah, it sounds like in my future. Wow. A lot of these stories, you know, it's interesting. We have both. There's the young people experimenting, but most of these stories are kind of older men and their wives go out of town.

They've always had this curiosity. And then they're like, you know what? I'm 58. What am I waiting for? Yeah. No time like the present. That's right. Now or never, she gets back Tuesday.

Oh. Oh, I feel terrible. You wouldn't know, but I do wonder, did he just come home with me? Like, honey, I had to get a colossomy. What? What? That was at the other hospital, so I don't know. I'm assuming he had to call her from the hospital.

I don't know if she was out of town at that time or that whole story. I wish he could just ask, like, hey, hon, I'm just interested in what it feels. Like, could you just put a dildo up there? Ask for help before you do all of that. But maybe it's probably part of the appeal. Yeah. You feel naughty. Yeah. I don't know.

That's one of many stories that I could have told about people sticking other things up, other body parts. You know, John, I would imagine when you entered this career, your own interests in putting something in your butt might have been around a three or a four. But post career, you're like, it's a zero. It's like negative 50. Yeah, yeah. You've really seen it go sideways. That's the problem. We don't hear the victory stories, you know?

Well, are there? Well, yeah, like we could have a promise. Like, tell us about the best day of your life. And some guy would be like, yeah, I put a corn cob up my ass and it got it out. But it was fucking great. We're not hearing those stories. No, because if then he would do it again. And he would keep doing it if it felt great.

And like, maybe Bratworth had been doing this for a long time and with success. Yeah. And then he got cocky. I don't know. Well, John, this is a delight. I never anticipated that. we would have a story where the person had three trips. Jesus.

Yeah, I got one that probably would make Monica very uncomfortable and involve some stuff stuck in a vagina. Wait. Go ahead. We need to hear it. We need to hear a quick. What was in there? Quick down and dirty.

This person came in. She was a furry. Oh. And she identified as a cat. It's kind of a sad story, but she wanted to feel like what it would feel like to birth kittens. Oh, no. No.

Yes. No. Yes. Yes. My fucking God, dude. No. See, this is where women are more kinky. Yeah.

She put a kitten up there. Three. No! No. How? How? Dude. I don't know.

Oh, my God. Listen, I am all for people getting as kinky as possible. I would never shame anyone's thing, but you can't involve other animals. We got to draw a line with the other animals. We can draw a line before. for that. Like, if she had put three stuffies in her vagina, I would be miserable, but I would have no ethical issue with it.

She ended up passing away because she got sepsis and infection. I guess she kept in there for a couple days. No, no, no. This is so, okay, oh, my God, this is so horrifying and it is so sad. We've got some mental issue. Yeah, I mean, I think if you're in a position where you're becoming a cat. Yeah, of course. You're in treacherous waters.

Oh, my, John. You got the stories. That was shrilly. Are you like the king of a backyard barbecue? I'm a great time at parties. I would be all ears. I would just trail you around the party trying to gather. Yeah.

There's like a kitten. Somebody's house. Like, oh, that reminds me. John, you got a great story about kittens. Holy shit. What a pleasure meeting you, John. Very nice to meet you. Thank you guys.

Can I give a couple quick shoutouts real quick. You can give as many as you'd like. First of all, I want to thank you guys. You guys have been after some pretty stressful shifts, some great comic relief. hearing other people's stories. So thank you for what you guys do. Shout out all the other nurses, especially two of them that I work closely with. And funny, one of their names is Kat. Oh, boy. All the ones, Devin and Chelsea. And then the person introduced me to this podcast is actually the lady that cuts my hair. Her name's Sarah. Oh, shout out. Thank all those nurses. I mean, truly,

I hope you hear it in our voice. We fucking are so grateful for nurses. It means a lot. Well, be well, brother. And enjoy that encroaching summer that's upon us. Yes. All right, John. Take care, brother. see you guys. Jackson, Monica. Hi. Look at your beautiful hair. Oh, thank you.

I, you know, washed it. How do you do with anesthesia? Not well. That stereotype holds. I had surgery and the pre-op nurse, my surgeon and the anesthesiologist individually all walked in the room had met me and were like redheads, like out loud. Oh, no. That wasn't super comforting.

No. Was the surgery, you getting something removed from your record? No. That would be appropriate. Unfortunately, there's not a lot of women involved in these stories. But I said I'm surprised. My anecdotal evidence is unfortunately, I would say it's mostly male skewed. Is it okay if I do a fake name for this? Of course. What name would you like to go by?

I was going to let you pick, but I think I could go with Lucy for this. I love it. It fits. It really fit. Are you in the medical profession? I am. And can you give us a broad where you're at in the country? I am in the Pacific Northwest. Okay, great.

It's comforting to know that this stuff is happening kind of globally. We're not isolating any certain area. 100 for that. And this took place elsewhere in the country in another big city. So it's everywhere. And what do you do? I am an ER nurse. Okay, great.

We are so grateful for you. Thank you. We love people who love us. And I should say, Monica, before you ask, yes, I love ER and the PIT. Yes, it was coming. You already asked. And yes, I have seen Montelvesantowns by proxy. Oh, Ellie.

Oh, God, maybe we can do a prom. God, that was one of your old questions. You kind of forgot about that. I know. Maybe you had to get rid of that cause for CTE. It's a lot I'm causing. I know. You know, I have a lot of hills.

You just reminded me, Lucy, how obsessed she was with Moon Chowson by proxy. I kind of forgot. I'm going to circle back to that. I feel bad. I really let that one go. I mean, in your defense, those stories are always overshadowed by how sad they are. I mean, CTE isn't much better. Most of your causes are.

Pretty. Yeah, yeah. Once you recognize what was going on, I would have a hard time contain my ire towards the parent. Like, were you having to police yourself with how you were interacting with the parent? 100%. At least in this case, once the child was removed, the parents still, obviously, like, it's always a mom. The mom always tries to, like, still be involved, tries to visit, tries to whatever. So you still interact with them.

And I definitely found myself being shorter. Well, just like the butt stuff's very male. The moon chousin's very female. I've never even heard of a dad doing it. I know, actually. Never heard of a female with a foreign object in her butt? I've never heard of a male that's a moonchild. I mean, I have heard of a female with a foreign object stuck up there.

In the anus? Yes. But it was during sex. It wasn't like on their own playing. How could you have not told me this story? Somebody's story. Okay. All right.

Well, to throw in an extra layer, I will say I've worked pediatrics for a long time. And kids tend to go like penis vagina route. They don't tend to do. the butt. I don't know what it is. But for that in the mix. To your point, the girls are usually a satchel thing. Yeah. Yeah. And the boys are putting things in their urethra? I thankfully have only seen this once or twice. Yes. The one that sticks out to me was a school age kid, eight or nine. It was a crayon. Oh, oh, man. How? I know. Of all the areas of my body, the one that immediately can make me like fucking get a shiver is just a thought of anything in my

urethra. I had a catheter this year. I was like, fuck this. This is way worth. than any surgery I've gotten. I don't feel bad for dudes in the medical world all that often. Sure. With the caps, you have it a little bit rougher than me do, I will admit. The thing is, is it's just like there's so much, too. You feel like you have to pee for, in my case, four days straight. It's just a terrible feeling.

It's not pleasant. I always feel bad. I will say in the future, you have the option to have a numbing gel inserted. I don't know if you heard this story. That was phase one of the trauma was the woman had my penis in her hand, and she's got this enormous, as you know, No, that numbing solution, there's like five ounces of it. It's not like a little top.

It's like a huge syringe, and she's going to squirt ounces of it into my urethra. And I can kind of feel she's wrestling with something. I'm more distracted by the fact that a stranger is holding my penis. And then I hear a pop. And I hear, oh. And all of it, it's like the plunger was stuck. And then she just fucking turbo injected all five ounces into my penis in a millisecond. And I screamed, which I don't scream.

And she goes, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. That never happens. That's how we started my catheter. Not a good way to start. To your point, I have never used all of that gel. Oh. We did. I bet someone is still in my fucking bladder.

But alas, we've come for a foreign object and a butt story. So please set the stage for us. My only sadness is I only have one to tell you. And we don't have time for all of them. There's so many. If you had to ballpark, how many do you think you've seen? Twelve years. maybe 20 to 30.

Jesus. Yeah, wow. They often come in batches. I can't explain it. Like something's in the air? Or everyone's getting the same bad idea. I don't know. But yeah, so I'm in a big city, big trauma center, big ER, tons of patients in and out every day,

a billion ambulances. This is 20, 21. It's post-COVID. So we get an EMS call. Ambulances coming in. 80-year-old male abdominal pain. Vitals are stable. And that's also all day every day.

Felly pain, fine, could be anything. Vitals are stable, honestly. I kind of like check out. Great. You're all autopilot. So get them into the room. The medics give their report. And then at the end of it, the medic says, hey, can I talk to you in the hallway for a second? Now, this happens a lot. They have so much information. A lot of times it's like, hey, we were at the house and we think maybe social work should get involved. There's neglect happening. We saw a pile of drugs, factor that into your differential. Like, they have very helpful information. And in this case, she said, I have two things to tell you. One, is that in route he updated his chief complaint, which is that he inserted something rectally. A couple of days ago, he thinks that's causing his pain. A couple days ago. This is the shame you're dealing with. You're just sitting there for two days debating whether or not you're going to. Or at first you like it.

No, I think you're hopeful you might poop it out. Oh, sure. I don't know. I'm guessing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, how can't ride this out for a couple days because I can't deal with the shame of this? Let's see if it comes out naturally. And then you're like, fuck.

So the other piece of this was she said of note, also his wife died recently. Oh, no. Yeah. That's the permanent going out of town. It is. We have found we have found Lucy that almost all of these stories involved, the wife was out of town. I was listening to that one the other day. And I was like, this is why married men longer.

She went really far out of town. She went permanently out of town. He's like, fuck, let's get going. Okay. That's terrible. You read the room. Sometimes people need like a little joking like, hey, what are you thinking? You know, break the ice, make him more comfortable. This guy, I was like, I feel so sad for you. He's clearly so embarrassed. And I was like, we're going to get this out, sir. Like, it's going to be fine. And, actually, you want to pick a name for him. I feel like he needs like an old man. George. I'm like, all right, George. So we'll start some blood work. We'll get some urine samples. Standard abdominal pain stuff. We'll get some imaging. Do you offer him many pain killers?

Doctor offers him somebody. At this point, he's mostly uncomfortable. Like, he wants to, like, be in a certain position. But yeah, that definitely gets offered. But he's very, like, 80-year-old stoic. He's like, nope, just get it out. Honestly, I mostly appreciate that he didn't lie to us. Wastes a lot less time.

Imaging comes back. You can't really exactly tell what anything is, but you can kind of rule out the dangerous stuff. So really, the ER doctor is just looking at, is this safe to remove in the ER? So it's not glass. It's not metal. It doesn't seem to be sharp.

It's all one piece. So he's like, great. We can take it out here. We're explosive. We've had that one. Someone put a butane tank up their ass, yeah. I've seen some errors, well. There's definitely things that they get punted to the OR, and they're like, this is not an ER problem.

They have to deal with a lot of shit up there. I feel bad for the OAR. At this point, doctors like, great, we'll take it out. He offers the patient sedation, pain meds. A lot of people need something to help get through this experience and tolerate it. And George was just like, nope, get it out. And honestly, the ER doctor, they're all kind of like cowboys. So they're like, sweet.

I get to do a procedure and just do it. and be done with it. So I go grab my friend, one of the other nurses, I grab Jason and I'm like, hey, can you help me or something? Everyone, thankfully, is such a team player. They don't even ask what they're signing up for. He was just like, yeah, cool, I'm coming. And on the way, I was like, it's okay, it's a rectal foreign body.

So we all get in there. George is on his side. Doc gets a glove. He gets just a whole bunch of lube and goes for it. Or maybe a minute into this, but he's already found it. He can reach it, which is great. He can feel it. He can kind of get his hand around it.

Can I quickly ask you, did the man ever tell you what object was in there? No, they never did it. Yeah, okay, great, great, great, great, right. So it's a mystery. Mystery. They're always like, I don't know, it's just like something. Yeah, I fell down. I don't know what's up there.

I fell. It's as if we're not going to see it in five minutes. Yeah. So he can feel it and he's like, all right, I have my hand around it, but as I'm sure you've discovered and hearing all of these phrase, that one problem is the slipperiness factor in the grip. One factor is like the suction. The back pressure on it.

Yeah. Yeah. The suction is so interesting. I mean, it's good. And if your rectal sphincter was open, you wouldn't just like want everything in there to fall out. Exactly. Yes, you would not. In this case, it's unfortunate.

So Doc is in there and he's like trying to grab it and he can't do it. Finally, he takes his hand out. We like give the patient a break. Sweet little George is like, just do it. I got this. And so I'm now thinking, I don't think this is going to go well. Like you didn't have a grip on it the first. I'm like, I don't like this going to work.

But the doc is so like, nope, I'm ready. And there's plenty of instruments he could try. There's other options and things. But he's like, no, I know. I can do it. Second time, Chan goes in, and at this point,

I look down, and he is truly elbow deep in this man. Oh, God. In a senior. Going for it. Wow. God bless. Really quick,

when I'm working on things mechanically, and I get frustrated, I start going like, I fucking motherfucker. Have you ever heard a doctor just kind of start letting us like, you son of a bitch? Are they like stifling any of that chatter that men do when they're working?

on stuff. It happens more when the patient is sedated, I would say. Okay, okay. They, like, police themselves a little more when you're awake. Okay. About 30 seconds into this, I am now thinking, this isn't going to happen because at this point, he's leaned in, he's still elbow deep. This doctor is, like, ripped, and he is in a t-shirt, which is only relevant because

I can see that his shoulder and his bicep, like, at this point, I'm about to ask him to stop because I'm like, you're going to dislocate your shoulder trying to get this out. He's crying so hard. As soon as I'm about to say this, we just hear this perfect little, like, just comes right out. He's now holding this thing in his hand, and we all kind of are looking at, like, it feels like someone's just getting birth. George is just like, exhausted. He got this thing out. Everyone's tired.

The doctor's exhausted. And he's holding it. I can only describe it as he's holding like a six inches wide by eight inches long. He's of a wooden vanister. A banister. Okay. I can't say for sure. Maybe he was like a woodworker, but it is kind of the shape of a bishop and a chest set.

Oh, yeah. But huge wooden. It's covered in like obviously stool, but also some blood. Yeah. So not a gentle removal. And also didn't look perfectly sanded, to be honest. A little splintering going on. I know.

If I got to pick a material to insert my butt. Wood is just after glass. And he's been pulling on it, so splinters everywhere. Yeah. But it might have been those. splinters that got him his found purchase. He might have saved him. So the doctor down was just like sweet.

So he just throws it in a specimen bag, chucks it on the counter. It's like this clear bag you put labs in. He throws it on the counter, tosses his glove and walks out of the room. And of course, my coworker, Jason's like, all right, I got other patients. He leaves. So it's just me and George. And I was like, okay, I'm just kind of let you rest for a little while. You know, we're going to keep him overnight because there was blood and he's old.

So I go back to other things. Maybe an hour later, I got a call from security. says, hey, you have a patient for room 20, for George's room. And I said, okay, let me go chat with him, see if it's okay for him to come back. It's his nephew. And I get up to walk. And before I can even hang up the phone, I see somebody walking down the hallway and I hear them ask about room 20. I have not yet made it to the room. All I'm thinking is that bag and that bloody, who's pooping mess is on the counter. The evidence is in plain sight. I like start into the room. They say, hey, your nephew's coming. They live together. This is who take pure of him. And

as I'm saying this, I see the patient's face. Like, poor George, it's just like, oh, God, like someone's coming. So I just positioned myself, so I'm now between the door and the object. So I am standing in front of it against the wall. Door opens, nephew comes in and he's like, oh, my God, like Uncle George, what's going on? Are you okay? What's been happening? And so I just tell him, hey, we ran blood work urine sample.

His vitals are okay. We're waiting on some imaging to come back, which was true. Yeah, mostly true. Fair in mind, his aunt just died. So he's probably thinking like, oh, my gosh. This is part two. Like, I'm going to lose both of them. He's panicking.

But I'm also like, I can't tell him what it was. It is George's story to share. At some point, nephew just looks at me and he goes, okay, do you have any idea what could be causing this abdominal pain? Like, what's going on? It was like a neighbor called him to come in. You know, we saw any ambulance take your uncle away. He has no idea.

I'm now backed up against the bag, and I'm holding this bag against my back because we're all very close in this room. And I just said, I've absolutely no idea. Could be anything. Yeah, great. I just kind of like slid sideways out of the room, like drafted in the trash on the way. Oh, nice. And I don't know that he actually ever found out what happened.

Oh, and so we still don't know exactly what it was. Meaning like we didn't ask George. Like, hey, where did this income? Like, why do you, what does it mean? Why? What's the significant? Why are you in love with this? Yeah.

I think George should have sent you Christmas cards. I feel like I did in Miss Island. Yes. You definitely did. You were a great wingman in that situation. I tried. I will say anytime I've ever asked somebody why, it's never a satisfying answer. It's always like I was on drugs or I don't know. Yeah. Not even why, but like where'd that come from? Yeah, exactly. Where do I get one? That's how you can trick him. Oh, I love this. Where did you get this? What is it? Free idea. The other thing I think you could have said to the nephew is you could have just said like, oh yeah, you know, he had severe stool blockage, which is true. There's no way he could have shipped around that. That's a good idea.

Noll post. Is that what it's called? Nool post. I don't know what that is. That is actually a great answer. I will say any object, young people tend to do sex toys, like vibrators, stuff that doesn't have a flared base, but like the object itself is like safe material. Right. Every single, again, piece of like wood, glass, whatever has been a patient over the age of 65.

Wow. Yeah, so what I was saying at the beginning, these are generally older dudes that feel like they've been either they've been getting away with it forever. Right. Or B, it's not their first trip and they're acting like it's their first trip. But I'm more inclined to think it's like it's just been ruminating in the back of their mind for years that they want to try it. And then at some point they go, okay, we're going to do this finally. Yeah. Or like because it's so old.

Do you think it's in my future? No. Because I think it's because they were so old. They think dildos are made of wood in glass. I do think they need some education. Yeah. They're like, I don't want to go buy one at the store. But this is the same.

this banister. There's a ton of variety in these stories. One is like, yeah, they're too embarrassed to go buy a dildo, so they just try to find an object. That makes sense. We've heard a lot of these words. There's some other thing going on. The danger part is clearly part of the eroticism.

It's like, there's no way you put that in your butt. That couldn't have been the best option. This one seems like he really just wanted to feel it. He just loves wood. He's a woodworker. Well, he might have made it on a lathe. He might have, like, been working on that thing. He had his lathe.

What are you doing, Grandpa George? I'm just making a new post. I'm going to give it to Mike for Christmas this year. Oh, my God. I did hate that there was so much shame involved. My husband's an ER nurse, and he was like, oh, I bet his wife was, like, helping him with that for many years. I'm like, no. They would have had, like, a dildo if that were the case.

Yeah, they would have a good system. Well, maybe he was like, she used to do that for me, and she's gone. So now I have to do it myself. He buried her with the vibrator? No, I thought, I was like, at first I thought this was going to go to a really crazy place where he like stuck the urn up there. Oh. And there were ashes.

That would be romantic. Well, you know, yeah. That's so much more horrible. I wanted to scatter her ashes in her favorite place. My ass. It was either Lake Winnipezaki or my anus. Oh, my God. My anus and I regret it.

It's what she wanted. It's what she would have wanted. Lucy, that's a lovely story. Good job. And you're a hero and you're a good wingman. And you deserve some credit for that. Thank you. My lovely cousin, Susan, and my friend Carly are both big arm cherries, and I know they will be listening. Shout out. First question they asked was, did I think I was going to ship myself on camera talking to you guys?

Have you done that? We have no way of knowing. No, but I did have the thought. If that happened, I feel like I would just own up to it and I think Jack would kind of be happy about it. Because it just screams confidence. Oh, if you say it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's kind of gangster, you know. Yeah. But I want to say thank you to you guys. You just came with me on my whole travel. nursing journey. It started on my way to Austin. I had two days to kill and I was like, I love parenthood. I guess I'll like come over and see what crowds was up to. Sure. Monica, thank you for being willing to talk about being a single person existing in a world

full of relationship. Like I was like mid, late 20s and I had not so much as kissed boy when we first started listening. And so hearing you be able to talk about it and share kind of that perspective really openly. It was really lovely. And even though I'm married now, it has continued to be lovely. And I still feel like, Thank God, like someone's speaking up for the single people still. Oh, thank you. I'm glad. Well, we like you. We're very grateful you're an arm cherry.

Yes. All right. Well, be well and thanks for doing what you do. Yes, thank you. Thank you guys so much. This was fun. All right. Bye.

Hello. Josie? Hello? You're in your closet, which is fantastic. Yes, I call the rules. Monica, I appreciate it. Sounds so good. So silky.

Where in the country are you? You don't have to be super specific. Yeah. I'll keep it vague just for patient privacy. I'm in the northwestern quadrant of the U.S. Okay, wonderful. Wonderful. You're our second Northwest caller today.

Yeah, but the other one's story wasn't in the Northwest. Good point. She just was currently practicing. You're right. You're right. You're right. I assume you're in medicine. Yes.

I've been a nurse for 11 years and always like in a larger metropolitan area. Where the action is. Yeah, where the action is. I don't want to use the wrong word here, but are you a bit of an arousal junkie? Yes. Being a nurse, you see some shit. The messiness of being human. It's on full display.

It's apex. It just excites me. Like, whenever I see something really shocking, I'm immediately like, okay, this is a story. I can't wait to get off work and tell my husband about this. So, yeah, I love that kind of stuff. I couldn't do the job for so many reasons because it's the hardest job in America. That's why we love the nurses. There would be so much, like, duty stuff that would be hard for me.

But I am also drawn to it because I think the excitement and how quickly a shift I imagine goes by. Does it just blow by? Totally. Because I work 12 hours shifts. And if I work like an aid or something, I feel like I'm barely there. I mean, I've done so many, like, nasty things. Like, I make the joke. Like, if I wear gloves, I can touch anything.

All you need is your gloves. And then just quickly, if you had to ballpark, how many foreign objects in body have you seen in 11 years? More than five, I'd say, like, I've seen multiple rectum swallowing is like a really big thing. People swallow stuff. I've seen urethal sounding. I had a guy that was putting objects through his urethra to masturbate. Up to masturbate. Yeah, so he got like pens,

and he was getting all kinds of infections because of it. People do wild things. So he put a ballpoint pen in there and then jerked off with the pen in there? It's a thing. We, like, Googled it afterwards. I mean, like, I had a lady who was injecting meth in her butt. Wow. Okay, so please tell us about this particular story.

Okay, so, like I said, I've been a nurse 11 years, and this is one of those shifts for right away. I got rapport, and I was like, Here's a story. So when you're a nurse, you come in for your shift and you get report from the previous nurse, and they tell you everything about your patients. And this nurse just kind of gets right into it. You know, she goes, this is a young adult female.

It's our first female. It's our first. Came into the emergency department with complaints of putting multiple razor blades. Inserting it into her vagina. Oh. And then she's super glued it shut. I got to go. Super glued it shut.

She's super glued the vaginal opening and then the labia majora all the way together. She was so mad. She had a packet full of razor blazing and seal it up for good. I can't, I can't. I can't. I imagine like if you like the crunches or like bending. No keels. Okay.

So just wait. I got a backup. We're still clear. So we still don't have a female rectal. I feel like I know the world a little better now. Okay. I wasn't prepared for a female anal. Okay.

Holy smokes. I wish it'd be way better. I'd rather have raised boys up the ass than the vagina. I think there's more room in your vagina. No, it's so tender enough. Well, it certainly is, and that's why we like going there. But you also can pass a baby head through there. I don't know.

I don't know what's better or worse. I hate this. And usually people are kind of shy and, like, secretive when they first come into the emergency department with the foreign object, right? Like, they're embarrassed. She just came right out and said it, even though her lips were sealed. Oh, really quick. So you said 20s? Yeah, young adult female.

I don't want to get too into the weeds. But I guess what I want to know is, did you get a read immediately? Like, did you have a sense that the person was sane or not? So we're going to get to. Oh, okay, sorry, sorry. So this is a medical emergency because she couldn't pee. So she's complaining that her bladder's super full. And we did a bladder scan, which is like an ultrasound device, a little wand.

You just wave over their breast. bladder. Dax, you probably had one when you had your little incident. I'm having PTSD hearing about it. Yeah, yeah. So it was very full. So we need to address this right away. I think it just became clear. This is going to be too painful, too complicated to do in the emergency department. So they had to book an OR, put her under general anesthesia. And there are solvents and things that can help disintegrate the glue. But the vagina, like we said, it's like a sensitive mucus membrane. So imagine like acetone or something on your vagina. Like gooby gone.

It would burn so bad. So I don't know. if they used a scalpel or what, I wasn't in there, but I know that there was no wound or stitches or anything afterwards. They were able to separate it, put a catheter in, drain the bladder, and all as well, you know, they could take the catheter right out. It didn't have to stay in. And then she came up to the post-stop floor where I was working, and I took care of her from there. I have a bad habit of getting ahead, but did they address the razor blades while they were under? Of course, they got the razor blades. Okay, so we put the speculum in, and then they found the razor blades. I guess not too much damage, actually, either there. So, yeah, she got lucky. So the why,

which is like everyone wants to know is, this is a ding, ding, ding, ding. She had Munchausens. Stop it. Monica, this is an all-in-one. My brain can't. And C-T.E. Induced by C-T.

My brain feels crazy because also... But the second time it came up today. Exactly. Second time Munchausen came up today, and we haven't talked about Munchausen since so long. How do you start figuring that part out? To define Munchausens for any listeners that don't know, it's a psychological condition where a person purposefully and intent hurts themselves or fakes an illness or causes an injury with the primary motivation to get care from hospital staff.

So they want the care and attention is like the main point or from like family. It's kind of sad when you're really. Of course it's sick. Yeah, I know. Pretty immediately I like am able to empathize and it's like a young person too, right? So childhood's not that far away. And like I'm a mom. So like I'm just picturing like this was a little kid who somehow learned this is the best means to get attention in love.

Oh. We've seen. Yeah. But still these people cause like a ton of record. They hurt themselves. They hurt people around them. It's like an expense to the hospital system. Like we have to address all this. So with much house and there's a really specific treatment plan too. So the psychiatrist had a note in her chart that told us exactly how to treat her. So you don't admit to inpatient psych because that would just further reinforce the drive to hurt themselves. Keep conversations super surface level. Do not get emotional. Don't get personal. Don't give her a ton of attention.

don't help with any activities of daily living. Like, don't wipe or feed her. She might manipulate you into trying to do things like that. Minimal interaction, make it as least stimulating as possible, just kind of get and get out. Yeah, wow, so fascinating. I know. And it's a lot of mental gymnastics as a nurse because, like, we're just used to being like a caregiver. So it was very different.

Oh, the other thing is there was like some kind of suicide precautions. So, like, we had to remove anything from the room she could hurt herself with. But we didn't do a one-to-one staff because we didn't want her to have that much attention. So we had her on a camera room. But then we didn't tell her she was on a camera room because we don't want her to know she had like any special treatment or anything. They type up you guys are walking. Oh. You think you're dealing with one thing.

Razor blades in a vagina. And no, you're dealing with now Moonschow's like a much bigger project. But how did you know she had Munchaus? It was in her chart. It was in her chart. Yeah. She had been there many times.

Yeah. So the story goes on. I'm taking care of her on the post stop floor. And then pretty early on in the shift around lunchtime, I get a discharge order. So I go in the room and I tell her, hey, you're going to discharge. I print out her paperwork. And she calls family and says it's going to be like an hour or two until they come. And she asked if she could have her homework because she's in school and with a student.

So I'm thinking like, oh, like I don't really trust this person. But also, I don't know. She has a rough life. Like I don't want to hinder life anymore. You don't know what part's going to be a payoff for her. Yeah. Right. And so I was like, okay, well, I'm thinking like the doctor gave her the discharge order,

discontinued some of those suicide precautions. I still have her in a camera room. So I was like, okay, I'll just be careful. So I go and I unlock the cabinet. I take out her backpack and she tells me which binder she wants in textbook. And I'm like, okay, and I give her one pen. And the pen I was worried about, I'm like, ooh, it's this pen. And then I flipped through all the pages of the binder and the textbook.

I even like picked them up and I shook them to see if anything would fall out. It seems safe. So I'm like, okay, that's this going to be okay. And I let her have them. And I leave the room. I'm not even kidding. Two minutes later, she hit the call light and says, I swallowed a razor blade. What?

Wait, what? I swallowed a razor blade. Also, how? She somehow had razor blades in her trapper keeper. She, even after you shook it, what the fuck? Oh my God.

She had like a contingency plan. Ew, this is so scary, actually. Yeah, so I go in the room and I'm like, okay, don't make a big reaction, right? You don't want to give her attention and I'll have emotion. So I just go in and I was like, hey, what happened? She was, I swallowed a razor blade. And I was like,

Where did you get it? And she shows me, you know, like a three-ring binder, how it has that thin, plastic lining, like over the cardboard cover. So there was like a one-inch slit in the scene. And she, like, shows it to me. And she goes, I hid razor blades in here. I feel very scared. I just like, okay, well, I'm going to call the doctor. I call the doctor.

And she's like one of my favorite doctors. So she's super cool about it. And she was just like, Jesus Christ. Or does a chest x-ray and clear as day, just razor blade right in the esophagus. You can see it. Oh, my gosh. How do we get that out of there? So we had to cancel her discharge, and then they did an EGD.

They can just put something down there with the scope and then pull it out. I cannot believe this woman didn't have massive bleeding on either end. I know. Sometimes these people just come in like repeatedly with these like self-harm behaviors over and over. So it's super sad. Yeah, that would be the heart that would be hard for me to navigate in your job is like when you know it's going to be repetitive. I don't know how I'd handle that. I would be resentful at those people.

I mean, that's what it would be. I think on their third trip, I'd be like, fuck this, dude. There are people that are really, you know, it'd be hard. It's really hard to keep boundaries, but also, like, you have to treat someone whenever they come into the emergency room. Like, you have to get the razor blade out. Yeah. The only thing that's new about this from my previous understanding of Moon Chowson was just like, I thought they were trying to act like it was an act of nature or God, but there's no way someone gets razor blades in their throat.

Well, she said, I swallowed it. I know. I thought the same thing. It's like, you can't be faking. Yeah, maybe they fake. get more with family. I'm not sure. And then hospital staff, it's just like really apparent. But people get really good and creative. And like you said, like it's really common among healthcare workers. People that are really good at navigating the system, I think they're like

the most successful at it. Nurses have like the highest rate. Yeah. Yeah. From beginning to end, that was horrifying. There's so much to be grateful for that you just aren't. Like I'm not at all needing Moonschowsons to feel seen. I know. swallowing razor blades. Jesus. It's so extreme. To me, I'm like this is Munchausen's mixed with psychopathy. I mean, looking you in the face and saying, this is where I hit it, that is silence of the

lambs. There was like a weird vibe for sure. Oh, well, Josie, this has been a delight. Yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah, thank you guys. It was so good to talk to you and, yeah, have a good rest of your day. All right.

Take care. Carry on the good work. All right, see you. Bye. Bye. I'm going to ask you a question and it's not going to go well. All right. I'm still going to ask you.

Oh, I love when you choose that. It's like I can't resist my impulse control, I guess. Uh-huh. That Ohio guess when I knew he was in Ohio. That was, I gave that to you. I know. I'm now wondering, is there something wrong with you? That was crazy.

It was Sim. It was guessy. But like I knew Ohio. So what are you thinking? I don't know. I just think it needs more thought on my end. Why? It's not bad. It's cool. I like it. Yeah. I'm just wondering like, what leads to that decision?

Why do you pick it? That's when I'm wrestling with right now. I was like, I just looked at that room and him. And I was like, I think we're in Ohio. Like, I could just feel that we were in Ohio. Yeah. Was it like his beard? He was a factor, but the room was a huge factor. The room? How could the room be a factor? I know. I'm agreeing with that's when I'm wrestling with right now. I know, but I don't want you to wrestle because I think you should just be like, wow. I have a power like Rick. Ricky has where he can do that thing with the aftor-D or whatever. Exactly.

Yeah. He can do that. You can do this. You're just really good at thin slicing location. I think because I did travel so much for the car show thing. Maybe. And then doing movies. I don't know something.

Well, on the next fact check, I'm going to just show you people in an environment and I'm going to know where they are. Okay. I'm afraid to do that because I want to hang on to this a little bit. And then that sounds like I'm going to fail. Okay. It's like throwing out data you don't like. I get it.

That's all right. All right. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? I don't know a theme song. Don't have a thing song for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions.

And with the help of our Jerry's book, it's own suggestion. On the fly, Rhindish. I love by a rhyme dish Enjoy