Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Funny Pregnancy

Episode Date: March 20, 2026

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a funny pregnancy story.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepardam, joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Today we have funny pregnancy stories. Pregnancy can go all kinds of ways. It really can. You know, we often get gifted. Evax and our other prompts.

And any time that happens, I'm just grateful. That's right. The universe is smiling on us. Yes. Please enjoy funny pregnancy stories. Can you hear us? I thought this could be a prank. I'm like, maybe it's not.

It might yet still be. AI is pretty powerful. Maybe a loved one coordinated something and there would be a pop-out. That would be extra special. What fake name do you want? Okay, I'm going to use McKenzie. I don't think I look like a McKenzie,

but I'll tie it in later why I chose that name. Are you allowed to tell us where you're at, McKinney? Yes, I'm in North Carolina. Oh. What part? I'm in the Raleigh-Durham area. And Monica, I did marry a Georgia Bulldog. Who?

He graduated in 2010. I mean, I graduated in 2009. Maybe he had a crush on. Was he in theater? No, he was not in theater, although I would love to see him in theater. That would be incredible. Was he in public relations or the Grady School of Communications? No, he was in finance.

And then he took a class at the end of college that was like how to pick a major just for like an easy grade. And the last thing he should do was finance on the list. Wow. Oopsies. It's okay. He's doing great. But maybe he booty bumped over at the spot you were pre-putting. I'm sure.

I'm sure we ran into each other. I did not even know what the SEC was when we started dating. And then I was like, I will take on the Georgia Bulldogs. What do I need to learn? Thank you. Okay. So you have a funny pregnancy story. I do.

I am mortified. that this is the story that was chosen of all my submissions. Just to paint the picture, I have three beautiful kids. Love them so much. So I've been pregnant three times. And pregnancy for me is not a glamorous experience. Some people are glowing. Some people feel better than ever.

I am not. The only glow is like sweat and nausea coming off of me. So all of my pregnancy feels like I'm living in this sort of bubble. Like it's not even really happening. It's funny when I had my third. child actually in 2024. I gave birth the whole thing like, is the baby okay? Are we good? And then I looked at my husband and I said, I'm not pregnant anymore. And high-fived him on the delivery. I don't think I'd even pushed out the placenta yet. As soon as I get birth to that baby,

I feel better. I'm like, get me a sandwich. Get me. It's a bizarre thing. Wow. I was going to ask ask if you had boys. Do you have all boys? I have girl, boy, boy. Okay. And is it true? Did you find that the nausea was worse for the boys than the girl? old. A hundred percent. It was from beginning to literally pushing that baby out. So my daughter, I was only sick for like 20 weeks of it, but the boys were the full time. Only 20 weeks. Horrifying. Nothing touches it, not Zofran, nothing. Like, I mean, I've tried all the thing. And then people would be like, have you tried lemon water? And I'm like, have you tried throwing lemon water up? I've done it, and it's terrible. So anyways, just a humbling experience all around

is when I'm getting at pregnancy. So this story takes place in 2020. I was, pregnant with my second. A weird time to be pregnant that, I mean, COVID happened during this. And it was so scary. The doctors, like, don't go anywhere. Don't do anything. And I'm such a rule follower. I was very stressed about it. Really quick. I had a glass half full take on being pregnant during COVID because we knew a few people that were. And I was like the upside is normally when you're pregnant, you feel like you're missing out on a bunch of shit. 100%. And you're not missing on anything. You're doing the exact same thing everyone. And my husband was working from home. And then it was great with the C-Syssey.

section because he was working from home for that. And you're not supposed to pick up anything heavier than your baby, which is impossible as a mom with other kids. So I'd be like, can you get her out of the crib, please? But for someone who is rule follower and scared of germs, it's a lot to handle. So during the course of this just bizarre season, I start to feel two little lumps, I guess, underneath my arms. Ooh. So as a woman, you are immediately terrified. You're like, I have breast cancer. And it runs in the family. So I send a message to the doctor, like, we do need you to come in. So that felt really serious because they weren't just really having you come in for anything. They were even like skipping regular appointments. I go into the office. There's a nurse and there's a doctor who is

older, which I actually love an older doctor. I'm like you've seen it all. I feel like you know what you're doing. You're not Googling stuff in the back. Like you know. So he's doing the exam. Monica, I'm sure he's experienced this exam. You're wearing that super cool front open shirt thing. Yeah. Cool. And he's feeling these spots and he's like, huh, this is interesting. I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so scared. And he starts to feel one of the spots and he goes, oh my gosh. And I'm like, what? He goes, it's a nipple. No, wait, what? I know. My sister was like, Dax is going to have a lot of follow-ups on this. But here's what he does. Instead of being like, okay, honey, you're all right. You appear to have grown an extra nipple in pregnancy. He goes, oh my gosh, I've never seen this. What? In all my years. And squeezes it

and milk comes out. It's lactating. I've heard about this because there's like, breast tissue that goes up into your armpits. Oh, I'm so glad it's not cancer. And then I'm like, what is happening? He runs out into the hallway. He's like, I got to get someone else to see this. So the other doctors are coming in marveling at it. Oh, no.

Oh, my gosh. They're like, you're right. It does produce milk. And I'm like, what do I do? Well, they've heard about this medically and they haven't seen it and they are pumped. This is an episode of Friends, Ross's thing. Oh, it is. Yes.

What do they call it? The, like, nubbin or something? No, no, that's Chandler's nubbin. I'm like, it's not even just one extra nipple. It's two extra nipples. Like, how embarrassing is that? So anyways, I am left feeling like, okay, I'm a freak show. Should I just go join the circus?

Everyone is marveling at it. And he would come in and show somebody, but watch what happens when I squeeze it. Oh, wow. This guy. They refer me to like a breast specialist that they have. And I go in and see her. And I'm like, I'm sure you've never seen this before. I know I'm the only one in America.

she's ever had this. And she's like, oh, honey, you have got it good. I've seen it all down people's arms. Wow. Multiple nipples running down the arm? She said you can get them anywhere. And she was like, honey, you're lucky that it's just in your armpit. And I was like, okay, well, thanks.

I don't know what to say. And she said you can even get mastitis. Sure. Yeah. Clog. I was really lucky that that did not happen. But it's kind of like a running joke in my friend group that I have this great milk supply because my babies get so fat, so fast.

And I am not like a big person. So it's just always shocking. Like, how'd you have this baby? I'm like, it might be the extra nipples. I don't know. Maybe my body just does a lot. You're a super producer. Hold on, though.

You're back at the dock. She's saying, don't worry, these can be up and down your arm. That's comforting. But my next thought would be, okay, so how do we remove them? Were you thinking like, oh, I'm going to get these removed? Yes. I was like, so what do I do? And she was like, honey, I'd just leave it.

I was like, well, I don't want to. Can you see it? Yeah, you can. Okay, it's right there. Oh. Do you see it? Yeah, it's cute, though. It looks like an ingrown hair.

Yeah, it just looks like a teeny tiny bump. I'm not pregnant or nursing right now, so there's no swelling with it. But you could still just think it's like arm fat that everybody has. Yeah. I actually recently went back to the doctor and she was like, we can remove it. I was kind of worried about scarring because I'm like, is it worse to have a scar or to have a nipple? I mean, these are deep, hard-hitting questions. I had a consult with a plastic surgeon, which turned into a whole thing.

it was on the phone with them for 30 minutes. They didn't understand I was like just trying to get the extra nipples removed. They were like, well, honey, how do you feel about your breast right now? Oh, God. Trying to upsell you a little bit? 100%. I was like, well, I mean, I've nursed three babies. Who does feel good after that?

The doctor's in this story suck. Mine is that one lady. Yes. She's like, I got you down for a fat transfer and we're going to remove. I'm like, no, no, no, no, I'm literally just trying to remove it. I didn't want to make her feel bad because it's her job. And I'm like, well, duh, like everyone goes here to do this. So anyways, I will get the surgery at some point.

Logistically, I need to find a time when I can actually do that because I have three young kids. For the listener, I want to say, because my mind immediately went to you also had two new ariolas. That's not the case. No. It's a teeny tiny bump. And it's still all skin colored. Yeah. I told my sister, I was like, Dax is going to ask about ariolas.

I know it. Well, I think when you hear Nipple, you're associated immediately with an aerial. The whole thing. The whole package. Super nuts. Maybe it's a cautionary tale. You two may have a nipple and not know it. I probably do.

Yeah. I mean, it looks like when I've had a clogged hair follicle in my armpit and then I wrench on that as if it's a normal pimple. It just looks like a little skin tag. What did your husband have to say about it? I mean, that's great. He signed up for two boobs and he got four. Yeah. Does he ever suck on it?

You don't have to answer that. You don't have to answer that. You were just laughing. I told him I have so many funny stories. I'm one of those people that just bizarre things happen to me. So I'll always be like, I've got a prompt. And then I told him, I was like, oh my gosh, I got selected for our armchair anonymous. He's like, what story is it?

I was like, it's the nipple. It's great. I think a lot of people feel very seen right now. Yes, totally. I have a lot of breast tissue in my armpit. Yes, and I think a lot of women do assume it's fat. I know someone who there's like plastic surgery you can do on that area. And when she had it done, they were like, oh, that was actually breast tissue.

That wasn't fat. You can tell when you're PMSing and your boobs hurt. I can feel it in my armpit. So, Monica, watch out. Oh, my God. I truly felt like a science experiment in there with everyone laughing and coming in. Well, your sister was right. I have a couple follow-up questions.

So one is mastitis is something that, well, I guess it varies among people, but certainly it was something that Kristen had to deal with us several times. And I even had to help at one point. This is a story that became public. But at any rate, were you having to express these other nipples to prevent? getting mastitis? No, I think that can happen to some people. Another thing is like it's going to stop producing milk. You know, that's how you like wean a baby, you stop nursing them. And so because I wasn't nursing a baby on them. But you could have, you could have been like, my boobs tired. It's stuck on my

armpit now. Sure. Baby is really something. It reminds me of an episode of taxi cab confessions, this great reality show that was on HBO early on. It was real people that took cab rides and then the people would talk to them. Crazy stories would come out. And this gal had had had a breast augmentation after her last pregnancy. She just was lactating since that point for years, long after she stopped breastfeeding. Yes, that was the uncommon results of that. Augmentation is that she was producing milk indefinitely. All kinds of things can happen.

Sounds tough. They seem to like it, this couple. Oh, he was drinking. Well, this wasn't a story she was ashamed of. They were excited. She actually pulled her boob out in the cab and demonstrated that milk came out. It was a female cab driver. She was great at getting stories out of people.

Wow. To each their own. Oh, well. Well, that's a great story. Yeah, extra nipples. That's a shocker. I hadn't heard of that. I would love to explain why I used the name McKenzie.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I texted my college friends. They know how much I love this podcast. I was like, guys, I don't know if I want to go out in the world with this. And now everyone I know is looking closely at my armpits. And McKenzie text, she said, use my name. Heck, I don't care. And so she's actually living all the way in Japan right now.

with her family. So shout out to her and all my friends who were just so pumped to hear that I was coming on this podcast. I love it. And then both of my grandparents on my dad's side were in AA. I remember as a young kid going to an AA meeting with my grandfather to get one of his like sobriety coins. And I was just thinking about how cool it is. I'm two generations removed from that and how from a young age we talked about A, we talked about addiction. And what you're doing is like shaping the next generations. I think it's a different way to think down the line about it. And it is really blessed our family, just the openness about that. Oh, wonderful. Did they have corny sains and bumper stickers? Were they all in? Did they have like the one day at a time hung up? They didn't have any sticker. He just

had his little coins. And when he passed away, we all got a coin and it was really sweet. Yeah, that's my favorite thing I have of my dad's is his box of coins. I just mailed one of them to Aaron. Oh, that's awesome. Well, thank you. I didn't think this was going to be my gateway into this, but here we are. I love it. I'm so glad. We'll take it. Great meeting you, McKenzie. Great to meet you guys. Bye. Take care. Hello. Hello. Do I pronounce your name, Aisha? Aisha. Where are you Aisha? I am actually in a work trip. I'm in El Salvador right now. What the hell are you doing in El Salvador? Well, I'm here with my church and we're doing some site visits with some communities that we help. Okay. It looks gorgeous behind you. Right now I have a really nice view of.

of the Pacific Ocean. Oh, wow. What time is it there? It is 3 p.m. Oh, all right. Two hours later. What happens in the next two hours? That's my favorite joke.

Where do you live normally? So I am actually not far from Robbie. I'm in Lake Zurich, Illinois. Wobbywob, do you know that? I do. And do we think Wabiwob's like the cutest boy ever from Chicago? I do. Oh, absolutely.

And I follow him for all the restaurant tips and everything. He's my travel guy. He kind of is a travel guide. He should have some kind of newsletter or something. Okay, so you had a funny pregnancy. I do have a funny pregnancy story. Okay, so let's set the scene. I am newlywed about probably a year into my marriage and we had started talking about, okay, I think we're ready to start a family. Setting the scene, we live in a very small apartment, one bed, one bath, and I'm late on my period. So I'm like, okay, I think I got a test. In my mind, I had this whole beautiful idea of how I would tell my husband if I was pregnant. I had started planning it out like, I'm going to do this whole thing. But the suspense got the best of me. And one evening, I was just like, you know what? I can't even wait anymore. Let's just go get the test. I told my husband, I'm like, I think I'm pregnant. So you want to test with me? And he was like, oh, my God, yes, what? Let's do this. So we go into our little bathroom. Our door, they had to cut out a space for the toilet. So when it opened so they would go over the toilet, like that's how small. It's very small. We're like knee to knee and I'm in there and I'm going to do the deed.

You're going to pee on the stick for anyone who doesn't know how this works. Yes, I'm going to pee on the stick. He's in there with me. We're holding hands. We're like our life is potentially about to change forever. We get the results. The two lines pop up. I am pregnant. We instantly lock eyes and I am just shaking and instantly have explosive diarrhea. Oh! Wow. Oh my God, but it's perfect because you're on the toilet. I was. It was perfect.

Wow. What made me stay sitting in the toilet because usually you would pee and then you get up and you wait. But I stayed on the toilet. Your body knew. Well, there wasn't room. It doesn't sound like to move around with him in there. There was not. Locked eyes with my husband and I just had.

You guys were talking about the Seven Kingdoms that scene. Picture that. Okay. That's what's happening. Fire hosey. Yeah, fire hose squirting. My body was just letting it all out. It just released everything.

I would have said, oh, it's a boy. It was a boy, that's. Yeah, of course it was. They're such rascals. Oh, man. We're wreaking havoc from the second we're made. Did you laugh? Did you guys just start dying, laughing?

I was like shitting, laughing. All things. And he just. kind of was frozen. Like, I don't know what to do right now. A lot of things happened very quickly. He became a dad. He saw his wife shed herself.

Oh, good. It was a lot to take it. It's a good primer for what's coming with the baby. Blowout. 100%. Oh, man. And how old is that little boy now? Actually, I actually wanted to preterm labor with him at about 24 weeks,

gestation. And he was with us for seven hours before you have. way. So sorry. So sorry. It's okay. You know what? He may not be with us right now, but I get to share him with the world through stories like this.

Yeah, that's beautiful. You know, even though I wish he was here, the greatest gift is to be able to share his life, even though he's not here. And so this is like the best way that I could be sharing myself with you guys. I'm just so honored. We're honored that we got to hear the story. Yeah. Yeah. I have a beautiful five-year-old now.

She was in the NICU for about three months. She was born early too. And you guys lived in my ears through that whole experience. And you guys were away from me to escape some of the hard stuff that I was going through. I started listening because I wanted to escape. But listening to you guys, really what that did to me was remind me that I want to be present. And I want to live this life. And I want to experience the wonderful things and the hard things that you both have done such a beautiful job at painting a mosaic of this life.

experience that we all get to be living right now. And so thank you so much. Oh, thank you. You just lifted my spirits like crazy and congrats on your little girl. Thank you so much. I have lots of people that love you guys as well. I would love to shout out my mom, Dee, and I would love to shout out Ashley and Maria and Emily and my daughter Eva, who also listens to our chair anonymous. Oh, lots of beautiful conversations. Yeah, it's a thought starter. Sure. Her teacher says, well, she has a lot of background knowledge. Thank you for chatting with us. Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. And have a great rest of your trip.

Love you guys. Bye, bye, bye. Hi. I love your tiny mic. Yeah, this is the first time we've ever had anyone with a tiny mic and immediately makes me think of all those funny Instagram videos. Oh, it's definitely because I make TikTok videos. Yeah. I was trying to be super professional. It's great. Emmy, where are you?

I am in Bartstown, Kentucky. Okay, we don't get enough callers from Kentucky. I know. I actually was listening to one the other day. I got excited to hear her talking about Kentucky. And I get excited to hearing you talking about Tennessee, too. And did you get excited when we had Chris Stapleton on? He was talking about Eastern Kentucky? Absolutely.

I just saw him this summer. You did? Was he spectacular? Amazing. Okay, so, Emmy, are you a transplant to Kentucky, or did you grow up there as well? grew up in Kentucky, Owensboro, Kentucky, so our largest town in Kentucky, but now moved to Bardstown just by way of job and career college. And Kentucky's on a come up, right? It's kind of growing as well, like Tennessee. Yeah, we're growing a little bit. I've been eye on some farmland over there.

Have you? That would be amazing. It's so beautiful. It's crazy. It's gorgeous. My family has a cabin on Lake Malone. So every time you talk about your lakehouse and boating, I grew up on a lake. So I get excited to hear you talk about it. Both seasons coming. Okay, so you have a funny pregnancy story. So my story starts back in 2008. I was 24 years old in grad school, kind of like in my indie era. I had a hoop nose ring and I was cool girl or trying to be anyway.

And I had this one particular store that I like to shop for nose rings. I couldn't find what I wanted everywhere. So I had this one place I wanted to go. And so that just sticks in my mind because if I lost a nose ring, I had to go back to that one store. So Monica, I don't know if you ever had any face piercings or anything, but if you do, you're drying your face, you're sleeping the night. Sometimes it can come out. You can lose your nose ring. So that would happen sometimes. In this one particular time, I was looking for my nose ring. I was looking in my bedsheets. I was looking in my pillowcases. I couldn't find it.

So inconvenience, I got to go to that one particular store and pick up my nose ring. So again, I'm in grad school. I'm starting to become a little more professional. I was studying to be a school psychologist. So as I was kind of growing in my profession, I started wearing my nose and bringing less and less. I wasn't wearing it to work. So it would only be an evening thing. Then it only became weekends. Then it became never. So it kind of just aged out. Now I've just got a scar on my face. Will it close up like your ears or no? Yes. It's closed up. I can't get anything in there. And now it's just this hole that's there that I wish wasn't there, but what are you going to do? Receit of living, I would say. Exactly. So in this first internship turned job, I met my husband.

He was a special education teacher at the school where I was a school psychologist. So a little bit of a meet cute story, Monica. I like that. It's a good pair. Dating marriage. Eventually, we're going to fast forward to December 2015. So seven years later, I'm 31 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I go to the doctor and I had been having some elevated blood pressure, a little bit of

protein in the urine. I had preeclampsia. So they sent me to the hospital for bed rest. So I was there for a couple days. They monitored lots of ultrasounds. And can you explain quickly what preeclampsia is? I remember we were all watching the Downton Abbey. Oh.

And one of the characters had preeclampsia. And the man grabbed the bedpost and collapsed with fear. Oh, goodness. Yeah. It can be very dangerous. Yes. So what is it? Really just elevated blood pressure, which then if it gets too high, you could go into seizures,

like it's dangerous for the baby. So just lots of monitoring. and then lots of fluid retention, what it can go into, and then what it actually eventually did go into for me is Help Syndrome. And that's like really dangerous. So that's, I wrote it down, homolysis, elevated liver enzymes, low platelets. So if it gets that bad, like for me, I had extreme back pain because my liver was distended. And then if you have low platelets, like you can bleed out. It's really dangerous. So the only resolution is deliver the baby. It's the only way to help the baby or the mom. So I ended up with that two times with both of my friends. So before it went there,

it was still just that kind of swelling and you're hoping that you monitored enough to not develop into help syndrome. But I'm preeclampsia. I'm laid up on the couch. My goal is to keep them in for six more weeks. I wanted to keep my son safe. So lots of moving from the couch to the bed, lots of chilling all through the holidays. I make it all the way to New Year's Eve on 2015. Again, sitting on the couch watching the fireworks and typical pregnancy swelling, but I'm really retaining a lot of fluid because of preeclampsia. So super stuffy. I sneeze. I blow my nose in the tissue is the nose ring from 2008. What? No. Oh my God. Seven years this fucking stop it. And you had no pain or any kind of inkling that it was in there?

Oh my God. No issues. Where? How? God gave you pre-eclampsia so you could extract this nose ring. Right? Where was it? In your sinus? Yeah, I guess just living up in my head.

Oh, my God. Thank God you didn't get like mercury poisoning or like metal. Well, I think they have to be sterile to use as rings. Did it look rusty? Yeah, it was like calcified, like white. Wow. Okay, now I'm going to ask a perverse question. And I'm on record is like, if I'm working to try to get something out of my sinuses and it's taking a long, long time and it finally comes out, and I know I share this with Aaron, there is such euphoria attached to that. It's like, oh, fuck yeah, that's out of my buddy. Did you have a wave of like, oh, my God, thank God that's out? I didn't know it was in there. I didn't feel it. So it didn't even feel any different. It was literally like, what in the world? I mean, I was in shock. Well, it's like, what else is up there if that's up there? Car keys. old Motorola cell phone. I don't know if I would have had an MRI or something.

Would there have been some sort of issue? Because there was metal in my face. Might have pulled out. Wow. I did send a picture to Emmett. Okay, great. I'm going to flip it over now. Oh, sure.

Oh, fuck. I can't believe that ended up in your sinuses. It's a hoop. It's full hoop still. Yeah. But it's open. So there's that metal kind of hook. Yeah.

That feels owy. I think how many times you had colds and stuff. I know. Seven years is a long time for it to live up there. I love that you brought it home because I did think at one point what was all the nose ring chat about. Sure, that was great. Yeah, it was good. But somehow it didn't cue me in at all to that that was going to projectile out.

Right. If it never came out, maybe it would have made its way up to your eye. Ooh. I think it just would live where it had lived for seven years or however many years. We just don't know and we won't know because you got it out. Yep. Wow. Did you put it in a loose sight box and put it on display on a shelf?

I think that's warranted. It is long gone. Get that away. Was your husband like, impressed? Oh, my God. Probably disgusted. Yeah. Sure.

Sure. Man, that's a long time. It really is so long. Like none of your skin was still there, right? Like your skin replaces itself entirely. Your organs replace themselves in seven years. But this thing, honey. out. This is going to be like the rat water bottle story where when people lose things,

they're going to be like, oh, it's in my face. It's in my nose. Well, the next time I'm honking around and I'm like, something's in there. Yeah, you're going to be freaked out. I'm going to think that I as something. Something from when you were 12 years old is up there. A shirt pin that someone gave me or something. Exactly. From Disneyland. Oh, wow. Wow. That's great. I mean. I love that. So five days later, I ended up having my little one and he's 10 years old now. You got a Capricorn. And he is his own armcherry. He loves you all.

And I would love if it would be okay if he came to say hi. Of course. You know, man. What's his name? His name is Redding. Redding, great name. Hello. Hi, Redding.

Nice to meet you. You got great hair. Nice to meet you. Thank you. And you like Armchair Anonymous? Yes. Do you have a favorite story? I don't know.

There's just so many stories. I like the rat and the Stanley one. Yes. Yes. I just talked about that one. That one really got a lot of people. I wouldn't think I was Stanley after that story. Oh, man.

We feel really lucky that you listen. Yeah, we love it. It's so nice to meet you. So nice to meet you all. All right, be good. Have a great day. We will. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Made his day. The only reason that I submitted this story is he's had this event in his life and he's like, I have to write in. I have to tell my story. So he submitted for, wild card and he wrote it all on his own. And I was like, I'll submit it. But then when I went to

submit, I saw a pregnancy story and I was like, well, all right, I'll throw mine in there. So now he got to meet you all and I'll tell him just keep on submittance because maybe he'll have his own talk one day. Oh, I love it. Well, lovely meeting you, Emma. Yeah, this is fun. Lovely meeting you all. Bye. Thank you. Oh, you're such a cute boy. I just love that little boy. I do. I want to put him on the team. Emma, let's try to get that story. Let's try to get him as an intern. Let's put him to work. He did have good hair. Enviable hair.

And then you are going to grow your hair out. I'm going to grow my hair out, I think. And you're going to start doing a hair band. I always do in that tough phase. What tough phase? There's a tough phase. Oh, a middle phase. Yeah, that I hate.

And it's abated with a headband. You haven't had long hair in a while. It's been a long time. I don't know my hair's thick enough for it anymore, but we're going to find out. I like it long. Are you going to do ponies? I'll do all kinds of. You know, I'll have a long hair.

fun. Yeah, you'll have fun. Oh my God, a nose ring up there. Oh. That would have been my kink if I had to call in. Oh. Anything like if you pop a pimple in it. Yeah. I just think about it over and over again. If I get something significant out of my nose in your butt. I think about it. Yeah. But you don't get that with peeing, do you? No. And it doesn't arouse here. It doesn't arouse me, but it also is definitely there's something else. Yeah. There's something titillating about it, but I'm not like horny from it. Yeah, but it's just like, oh.

It feels like such relief. Like, oh, that's out. Oh, I'm so grateful. It's like, I'm grateful. It's gratitude. It's a lot of stuff. Do you get that or no? I don't.

What about when you would have like a bad pimple that was one of your cystics and you would finally get it and you're not supposed to, but you do it. And then it's just like, oh, yeah, fuck that. That's out. Yeah, I think we've talked about this. I do like that. You're saying that you relive that moment. I definitely don't do that.

I'm like, it feels good that it's done. Your brain doesn't record that visual and play it on a loop. No. Oh, my God, mine does. Not at all. I have one. We're two months, three months out from it. There's one that plays in my head at least once a day.

Yeah, that's a king. Yeah. But do you have it about other people? No, I hate those pimple popping videos and stuff. That is interesting. It's just me getting rid of my poisons and my character defects and all the badness. It is. It's like I'm extracting the devil out of myself.

You know what I do? This is really gross. Now everyone's going to look. This is like the girl with the nipple. I like don't want to say it. I like play with my legs a lot. Any part of it where there's like a hair follicle. I'm always playing with it and scratching it.

and trying to get it clean. Yes. You don't pinch, though? I sometimes pinch, but I also know how to, like, get under and then get it out. But, you know, my legs look wild. From all that activity. You tear them up. I do.

They're not camera ready. My legs are not a good look. But then in the summer, you can blast all that out with some tan. A little bit. Also because, you know, I used to shave dry. So I've done some real damage to these legs. Shave dry sounds terrible. I had places to be and places to go.

I gave it a dry shave. I would do it because I had cheerleading practice and I was a flyer. So like I didn't want my legs to be here and I did not have time. You're talking dead dry. Yes. I know. My friend Gina really hated it for me. That's psychotic a little bit.

Listen. I do what I have to do. I kind of want to watch you do it though. I haven't done it in years. I feel like it would give me such weird chills. It would be like the teeth that you would not like it. No, I want to. But that makes me want to see it.

Why don't we do shaving dry stories? You're the only submitter. I'm like, hey, guys, I'll be right back. You just retell this story. I run to the back. Hello. Hi. Where are you at?

Alberta, in Canada. How's your winter? Have you been not having a lot of snow like the Rockies haven't? It's been a warmer winter, but we just got a big dump not long ago. So it's been wintering again. So it's back. She reared her ugly head again. And do you like when it dumps and you have an.

excuse to stay inside because I like that. It's not bad and the kids like playing. So that's kind of awesome. Yeah. Did we just meet the product of your pregnancy story? The kid you saw, no, was not a product of this pregnancy story. That's my oldest boy. And I have three. Okay. So walk us through your funny pregnancy story. This story was in October of 2015 and we were expecting our third child and we were super overdue, 13 days actually. So I was ready to get this baby out. I was trying everything. So we actually decided to try a shot of castor oil, which is one of the tricks they tell you to do. And it worked for our second child. So we said, let's give that a go. So we did that and watched a movie and hey, let's get some sleep because this could come tonight. And my husband fell asleep right

away. Of course. I wasn't able to get to sleep because things started moving. So I was like, okay, things might be happening. And at about 2.30, probably, it's getting intense enough that we probably should get going to the hospital. So I woke up, he had a shower, no rush. Things were ticking along. Hold on a second. He had a shower. No. Don't some people do that? They're like, oh, we have time. Didn't you guys? Yes, you guys thought. Well, we had time, but my wife I've done wake me up at 2.30 in the morning and say it's time to go to the hospital. And I said, cool, I'm going to hop in the shower. That seems kind of funny to me. Oh, I mean, I guess I get that. But also, aren't there all these stories like people's water break and then they go have lunch and then they go to the hospital?

Well, he needs to have a shower to sort of wake himself up. I've had two kids before. This takes forever. So it was no big deal. Lots of time. No rush. We called our midwife because we were meeting her at the hospital. We got in the truck and I remember saying like, no rush. No need to. be stop at those red lights, no big deal. It's about a 25 or 30 minute drive from our house to the hospital, 10 or 15 minutes into it. Things got really intense really quickly. And I was like, this is really painful. I am very uncomfortable. I was squirming in my seat. I was sticking my head out of the window to try to like cool off to get some fresh air. And then I got this serious urge to take a big dump. Oh, no. Well, because am I wrong? Castro oil also?

is a laxative, is it not? It is. Yeah, so that all was happening previously. It kind of empties you out. Okay, okay. So that already happened. You had done some evacuations. The evacuating kind of happened. So I was kind of like, why do we have to go to the bathroom again? I thought that was over. This is so embarrassing. I can't show up at the hospital with pants full of poos. I'm like looking around for like a diaper or a bag or a towel or something. I don't know what I was going to do, but I'm panicked. As soon as I'm. as I stopped panicking, it subsided. The urge went away. And I was like, oh, perfect. But a couple minutes later, another contraction comes. And I'm like, oh, man, I got a poo again. What is going on?

And then I'm like, geez, whiz, something's coming out. And it's not from my butt. Oh, my God. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. I'm wearing a pair like three quarter-length sweatpants. and I just take my hand and do a little exploring and check, and I feel a head-shaped bulge. Yes. Yeah. Hair. Wow. How far away from that hospital?

What's the ETA? 10 minutes probably. That's too far. That's a long 10 minutes of your life. It's so long and I started to panic. And I said, oh, my God, I feel the head. And my husband's like, oh, no, no, no. All he could say was no.

It's like, yes. Okay. Hold on. revisit the shower that I was pretty critical of that no one was supportive of and I'm going going to say now we wouldn't be in this situation. Right. But then maybe he wouldn't have been able to drive. He would have done just fine without that fucking shower, Mike. It's actually Brian. Well, he's like, I'm so grateful I'm clean for this. Oh yeah, he starts kind of panicking a little bit. I realize that he's going to be super useless in this situation. So I kind of really panic.

And I'm like, you need to run this red light. Everything I said earlier is out the window. You need to get to the hospital as soon as possible because we need some medical attention. So he starts blasting to get there as fast as he can. I'm really panicked. I'm like, I think we need an ambulance. So I call the ambulance. And then when I get on the phone with them and start chatting as soon as we explain what's happening,

we look up and the hospital's right there. So we're like, oh, no, sorry, false alarm, we're good. We get to the emergency room door. And it's kind of a back side door. and he stops, I jump out, and I'm on a mission to find some sort of medical professional. My husband is like, oh, can I get to a wheelchair? And he's trying to be helpful, but I didn't even actually acknowledge him. And I just kept walking.

I kind of ditched him. I walk into the emergency room and I'm just power banking as fast as I can. And it's a huge long hallway because we're on the backside and it's quite a distance to get to the main admittance area. Did Brian pull into the wrong entrance? Was there a better entrance? Probably. Oh, gosh. So I'm laser focused to get myself there.

And I remember I got to the end of the one hallway. I look. There's another long hallway. And I see lights and people ahead. So I'm like, I'm almost there. And I start walking. And I just remember really vividly feeling like I was out of my body. I was floating above myself, watching myself.

walk in and I almost was like oh wow this is like an episode of Grey's Anatomy it looks like it would be a really good episode and then I'm like oh my god this is my real life I remember also looking to my right and there was like a waiting room there and it was like 3 30 in the morning so it was empty there was no people except there was one cleaning lady sitting there like mopping up the floors and in my head I remember thinking like oh my god I hope that I don't make a mess that this poor person's going to have to clean up don't worry She was a ghost. A couple steps after thinking these things and then all of a sudden, like, pop.

The head popped out. I'm walking as all of this happens. And then a couple steps later, her whole body slipped out. Under the floor? I am wearing like a pair of three-quarter-length sweatpants. And her head was kind of like at my knee. And then her body was up my thigh. Oh, my God.

No. Did you start screaming? It is so hard for me not to bring up the shower over and over again. I mean, we're just not in the situation about that shower. I can't believe you weren't already just screaming and screaming for somebody to come help. You're so nice. You're just like walking and looking. Fantasizing about being in a Grey's Anatomy episode.

It is a good episode. You pull down your pants and there's a baby there. I was holding her head and body as I was kind of shuffling along. And that's when I started calling for help. I was like screaming to try and get someone's attention. And finally they noticed that I was there. And a couple of people came running up. And they're like, what's wrong?

And I'm like, I just had a baby in my pants. I just babyed my pants. I just had a baby in my pants is really a sentence. Now a lot of people get to utter that. I didn't know what to do. and they were kind of panicked too. They're like, oh, my gosh. They look down and I like, pull your pants down.

And I was like, well, I'm kind of holding the baby. So they kind of helped pull my pants down awkwardly. They grabbed the baby out of my pants and the elbow cord was wrapped around. Oh, scary. God. And it got scary pretty quickly because she wasn't responding to anything. And she was kind of odd color. And I was like, oh, my gosh.

I kept saying, like, is the baby okay? It's a baby okay. And so it took a couple of minutes. for them to get everything organized. They're all kind of shouting things. And they were like, we need the baby to go. And they kind of are pulling at the baby. And I was like, I'm still attached.

Oh, yeah. The bill of cord is still there. At this time, I'm now sitting on the floor, like in a puddle in the middle of the hallway, basically, with no clothes on. Here I was worried about just having a little bit of poop in my pants. They clamp up the umbilical cord. And I remember one of the doctors or nurses, I'm not sure what. He went to like snip the umbilical cord and right.

when he cut it, this splash of blood squirted into his face from the political cord. And I could tell he was like super disgusted, but he was trying to act really cool and professional. And I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. He's like, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. He was like trying to make me feel better. I'm just like, oh, my gosh, this is just a disaster of a birth. Anyways, they quickly whisked her off in a way.

She had to go straight to the NICU because she had aspirated on malkonium. poop in the womb and then they get it in their lungs. So she was in the NICU for a couple weeks. But the funniest part was after the craziness was over, just as she was taken away, my husband shows up with this little backpack. Brian. His hair done. Come on, Brian.

You didn't need that fucking shower. Oh, it started with the shower. It got worse and worse. He looks at me and he goes, like, what happened? Why are you naked? it. Put your fucking clothes on. I look great. Oh my God, you're embarrassing us. I said, like, you missed it. It's over. And he's like, oh. And I'm like, what were you doing? He's like, I had to park the truck. I had to get the truck washed. How hard was parking at 3.30 a.m. Brian.

Our friends actually tease him because if you know him, he's a big rule follower. He's also very by the book. So they tease him like, oh, so Brian, he had to get the perfect spot. And what were you like counting your change, 25. Like making sure you fill the meter up and everyone's like, what were you doing, buddy? He's like, I thought I had time. Oh, now I feel bad for Brian. Well, he shouldn't have thought he had time when the head was already popping out. I called it immediately.

This is the shower was insane. But we love him and he's a good dad and a good husband. He is. Not the best child birth situations. Oh, man. Oh, Heidi. This is a humdinger. That was good.

I'm glad everyone's safe and healthy because yikes. She just stood up and gave birth. Vertical birth. Into her pants. She babied your pants. The baby in the pants is now a 10-year-old, fiery little angel. And actually, it's my other daughter, my older daughter, who we listen to Armchair Anonymous all the time together. And it's a special time that we love.

And she's always excited and hopes that it's appropriate for her because some of them are like, I don't know. Most maybe. That's fair. Like maybe she didn't listen together. kinks. My daughters love you guys, especially my second. She also watched parenthood with me recently. I've rewatched with her and it's so good. Of course, we love Crosby. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I'm very lucky to have gotten to do that. I just appreciate everything about you guys. I've been an arm cherry since day one and I just listen to them all and I love you both. Thank you. We love you back.

My kids would like yes, of course, get them in here. Hi, kids. Oh my gosh, they're all here. The baby in the pants is here too. Yes, Tonka. What's everyone's name? Evie, Charlotte. And I'm Riker.

Oh, wonderful. Well, we're grateful you guys listen. Yes. You have a favorite armchair episode. Is there one story that you always want to tell people? Well, the mouse in the water bowl. Yes, yes. This is quickly becoming evident.

Now this story will be their favorite one probably. Yeah, it's a good story. It's a banger. Well, lovely meeting everyone. Tell Brian we love him and my apologies for being hard on him. Yeah, he's going to love it. Bye. All right, take care.

Oh, my God, we're meeting families today. Mothers are incredible. They'll do what needs doing. That story is similar to Elizabeth, Elizabeth and Andy. Their second kid she had in the car. She had as they were pulling right up to the hospital. And the doctors and nurses like rushed out to meet them at the car and who's born in the car. Didn't also Seth Meyers, his wife, delivered in the foyer of the apartment building?

I prefer to have it in the hospital. I think most people. That's preferred. That's if you can. Maybe you can. All right. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't know a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have. a thing song for this new show so here I go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries will get some suggestions on the flyer rhymedish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy enjoy