Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Halloween

Episode Date: October 27, 2023

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a time something crazy happened on Halloween. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Lily Zappa. Halloween. Halloween. We love festiveappa. Halloween. Halloween.

We love festive episodes. We love Halloween. Yes. I went to the hayride last night. The haunted hayride. Yes. Yes. And with Fred?

Yeah. Fred and Ricky. Fun. Yes. It was really fun. They've changed it. Oh. You don't go by the old animal enclosures anymore which i found to be

particularly and uniquely freaky okay to see abandoned yeah because it used to go through the la zoo that wasn't a part of it anymore you didn't pay for that now they had new exciting stuff and uh it was fun because fred and i talked nonsense the entire time yes and did they listen did it get back around to the creators? There were no plants. Okay. No, but we made a point to remind everyone that that was Fred's idea and that mine was a blood bag. Yes. Yeah.

This prompt, fittingly, was tell us a time something crazy happened on Halloween. Oh, these are great. Yes. There's maybe one that you shouldn't listen to. Yeah, but I think you can. Oh, the burp? Yeah. I love the burp. That's my one that you shouldn't listen to. Yeah, but I think you can. Oh, the burp? Yeah. I love the burp.

That's my favorite one for sure. It's not as bad as some of the others you can't listen to. Here's the thing. Just don't be consuming any clear Pepsi. No, anything that has a consistency of what? Soup. A clear soup. Yeah.

Maybe just don't eat. Eat a hamburger or a hoagie okay or open face sandwich meatball sandwich the third story just put your food down yeah don't be eating anything yeah i think but it's a wonderful story oh i loved it please enjoy i want to give a quick update. Yeah. Because we're in Armchair Anonymous land. Okay. A major story that we said you couldn't listen to was in waxing. Pretty much that whole episode. Yeah, yeah. And I'm getting a wax today.

Oh my gosh. My first one since that episode. You've just now got your confidence back. Courage, that's the right word. But I'm really anxious. You feel jinxed by hearing those other stories. Oh, wow. Well, good luck to you.

Thank you. I'll report back. If you come in in a diaper tomorrow, I guess we'll know how it went. Oh, God. Okay. All right. Good night. Happy Halloween.

Happy Halloween. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them both. But one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Hi, Allison. Where are you? I'm based in Madison, Wisconsin. Oh my goodness. I don't think we've ever spoken with anyone from Madison. I'm happy to be the first. Is Madison the state capital?

It is, yes. It's fun to be from a state capital. I think so. Oh, we all— Not wrong. I'm not from a state capital. Lansing's our state capital. Oh, yeah.

Is Atlanta the state capital? Yes. Oh. And then Lincoln, Illinois is, right? Springfield. Springfield. Okay. Oh. And then Lincoln, Illinois, right? Springfield. Springfield. Okay. Sorry to drive you in there.

Only me and you. And does your Halloween story take place in Wisconsin? It's in Wisconsin, just not in Madison. It was during college. I went to UW-Eau Claire. Okay. Tell us what happened. When I was in college, I was part of an organization that did some charity work for various places around town.

And we had the opportunity one Halloween to staff a haunted forest that was kind of deep in the woods of Eau Claire. So I didn't really know what I was getting into, but it was a very interesting experience. So we went and there was this big mansion kind of in the woods. I want to go to a haunted forest. That sounds really fun. Scary. It's very festive. If you like being spooked, it's a great place to go. They brought us in and they kind of gave us our stations,

got us set up, and I was supposed to be on the trail somewhere. They set me up with clothing, like kind of the burlap and flannel and the mask, dark clothing. I guess I stupidly assume, without any reason to think this, that when I'm at those places, these are people who love getting dressed up like goblins and scaring people.

Normally, yes. That's what I would think. But then talking to you, Alison, it's not a match with your just aura. That's because this is for charity. Well, I know it's even crazier. I'm not a horror person, but it was an interesting experience. I think the proceeds went to charity, which is why I kind of got pulled into it. But I think typically that's staffed by those folks who do like that sort of thing. So anyways, they drag us out and they put us along the trail and everyone's kind of in various spots. They told me to lay on the ground and kind of cover myself in leaves. And then as people walk by to kind of jump out and grab at them or yell at them or something like that.

Big reset. If you got to cover yourself back up with leaves after every time. I would have just gone to sleep. walk by to kind of jump out and grab at them or yell at them or something like that big reset if you got to cover yourself back up with leaves after every time i would have gone to sleep i already know i already know what i would have done in this situation is i would have done it a couple times and then just laid down because i'm too lazy to be fair after a while you know i was not at the beginning of the trail so people kind of get used to things jumping out and it loses the effect. So I wasn't really feeling it, but I was giving it my all. So at one point in the night, it was probably a couple of hours in, there was a group of college-age guys that come through. And I'm laying there and kind of waiting for the right moment to just jump out and grab at them. And for some reason, when I jumped out at this group of guys, one guy must have gotten really freaked out and he just kicked me right in the ribs.

Whoa. And knocked the wind out of me. And, you know, I was masked, so I don't think he knew that I was a female or even a person. A person, yeah. Animatronic. Yeah, exactly. So I just started moving and kind of moaning because I couldn't say anything. And he realized that I was actually a person and a female also.

So I felt immediately bad, but I couldn't really say anything to him because I couldn't talk. And so I was just sort of wheezing like, just go, just go, just go. I got someone else to scare in a minute. Get out of here. I got to cover myself with these leaves. It takes me 12 minutes to reset. Exactly. so he kind of carried on his merry way i was pretty injured i ended up having a bruise on my rib for probably

about a month after that oh no i never went back i will not do a haunted forest again oh my god this is what i figured happens to some of these scaracters. Scaracters? You didn't know that term the last time we argued about this. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. I learned it at the- With David. Yeah, with David. I've never heard you say scaracters before.

We'll have to fact check it because I do know. Okay, so Monica and I have varying feelings about this and hypotheses, right? About the scaracters? Yes. Is that what they're called? They're only called that at Universal Horror Nights. They call their actors Scarectors. And I get nervous for them because they do get punched and stuff, but it's also on them.

Well, it's a two-way street though, Allison, because I always think there's liability flying around in both directions. Like if you own one of these and let's say you got kicked, then you punch the guy back. If I got kicked in the ribs, I'm afraid to think I would have attacked. You would have? Yes. If some guy just kicked me in the ribs,

I would be like, they talked about. But you scared them. No. No. And in fact, and I don't want to reframe this for you because you seem to have a great

attitude about it. Yes. It's too late in the experience for someone to have had that reaction. It's a bunch of dickhead college boys and one of them's like i'm gonna fucking no i'm gonna kick the next one that comes out because you feel justified and you know you can say as an excuse i was scared i don't think these college guys want to say they're scared i think he was no no no you can say you're scared like next time

one of these guys pops up i'm gonna fucking kick him this is things boys would do i'm gonna kick him and then when he raises shit i'm gonna go i got scared this was like guaranteed because if it didn't happen at the beginning yeah i buy that he was scared but you said you were deep in there right i was deep in there i would just went through all these haunted houses still scary at the end i still don't even think anyone's reaction to being scared is to kick to begin with i think it was premeditated i go back and forth because i couldn't talk to the guy he seemed sufficiently to being scared is to kick to begin with. I think it was premeditated. Well, she was on the ground. Where do you land on this? I go back and forth.

Because I couldn't talk to the guy, he seemed sufficiently sorry for it. Right. But I kind of think he was probably just a drunk frat guy who was being an ass. And I think he was sorry once he realized it was a woman. Oh. Yeah. I think in his mind, he was going to kick a random guy and he could have lived with that just fine. Oh my God.

Or a machine and not feel bad about it, but still, you knowism yes well young boys like to vandalize that's part of the problem so you're on the fence you're somewhere between monica and i i am i think if push came to shove i'd probably lean to the vandalism side of things but i'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt yeah again it's just very late in the experience. Now, when you reported this to the management of the attraction, what was their reaction? Tough titties? I didn't. I just kind of kept it to myself and I kept on going for the rest of the night. Oh my God, you kept scaring?

It was for charity. Oh my God. There weren't like damages to seek out. So I just kind of sucked it up. And it's a very Midwestern approach probably to just suck it up and it's a very midwestern approach probably to just suck it up and go on with the night did it alter how aggressively you were leaping at people and grabbing them i imagine it would have toned down yeah i think my effort level decreased significantly for the rest of the night and then i never went back after that yeah after that i'm

like when they walk back like hi, I'm coming, peace. Yeah, the moaning was real, I think. Oh, Alison, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Has it ever crossed your mind to go into one of these haunted forests and just get even and kick some random just to pay it forward? Knowing how much it hurts, no, no. Not in my nature. Well, and I tend to avoid them at all costs because, like I said, I don't like being scared. So it was not the place for me well you live in your life well i'm glad you made it out of that forest this is as bad as it can go if you volunteer to help for charity i know we're

not even sure what the charity was but it was for charity i know i can't even remember but the silver lining is that i get to share the story now. Well, it's so lovely to meet you. Thank you for sharing that story. And I'm so sorry to hear you were kicked by a strange frat guy. It's a real bummer. Thank you for having me. Our pleasure. Have a great day.

You too. I keep thinking these are all going to be meet-cutes. And that she's going to end up with the guy that kicked her. Oh, I wish. Every single one is a meet-cute. So cute. That should be another prompt. Fell in love with an attacker. Abuser.

Yeah. Tell us about the time you had Stockholm Syndrome. Hi. Hi. How do I pronounce your name? Ines. Where are you at other than a sloped attic space like we are? I'm in Sweden.

Wow. Are you Swedish? No, actually, I'm from Spain. Oh. Oh, my. I'm living in Sweden now. We love international. Yes. Global listenership. For sure. Global listener here. And what are you doing in Sweden?

And is it getting dark at noon there now? It's getting dark quite early now and I'm working here. I'm a dancer. You're a dancer. Oh my God. Wonderful. Have you heard our show in Spanish yet? No, but I heard you guys talking about it and I want to try. You'll have to report back. Tell us. Yeah, we want to know. Yeah, I'm curious. So interesting, right out of the gates, I would say, I don't even know that people in Spain celebrate Halloween. I'm just going to own my ignorance. No, that's completely right. Now, globalization, people are starting to like Americanize it. But my story takes place in the States. Oh, great. You just pop all around.

Yeah, a little bit. Money rabbit hopping all around the globe. Yeah, actually, I was living in Kentucky and we had just moved like two months ago. So we were really new. It was my first time living in an English speaking country. So I didn't really speak English. And Halloween was coming around the corner, which was very exciting because in all the movies, like, Halloween is such an American thing.

As you said, Dag, like, not really a thing in Spain back then. I'd never been trick-or-treating. I'd never cowered a pumpkin. None of it. How old were you at this time? Ten. Oh. Okay.

So, like, really prime age for the whole thing. So very exciting, but I didn't really have any friends yet. I didn't really speak English. But, you know, my mom, being a mom, she was on a mission. And somehow she had a friend. I don't know how she had a friend because her English was worse than mine. But she had a friend that she'd made. And her friend had a daughter who apparently was my age.

The moms decided, okay, they'll go trick-or-treating together.'ll make a friend meaning me the other girl probably had plenty of friends forced into it so we're like okay great so i get dressed up what were you i think i was a witch classic yeah i didn't know people had like such elaborate fun costumes now i know no which is wonderful that's a great you can't go wrong with a witch that's's true. So we get in the car on Halloween day. My mom's driving down to this girl. She lived like a neighborhood away from me, so not too far. And it was also exciting because we were tense. So we could kind of go by ourselves. It was very safe, suburban area. Yeah. This was going to be the best day ever. And so we're driving down and we're on the street where the girl lives. And my mom sees this girl about my age, long blonde hair, dressed up with a little trick-or-treating bag.

I was like, this must be her. Like, what are the chances? This must be her. One kid. She's never met the girl. She's only met the mom. She knows she's my age, that she's blonde, and that her name's allison so she rolls down the window and she calls out allison and the girl turns around and she's like yeah and she starts saying something and my mom's like that's it this is allison and i think

she tried to ask her if she was but you know my mom's english is not good i have no idea what was going on and we're like of course like what the chances? It's the street she lives in. She fits all the criteria. Allison's not a normal name for us. Well, I was just going to say, probably 12% of the school was Allison, but continue. Exactly. At that moment, we didn't know. So she just drops me off.

She's like, off you go. She's like, well, I'll see you at Allison's house later. And I'm like, okay. Oh, no. She just drives off. She's like, off you go. She's like, well, I'll see you at Allison's house later. And I'm like, okay. Oh, no. She just drives off. Wow. And there we are. The girl, Allison, starts talking to me.

I have no idea what she's saying because I don't speak English really. Oh, this is such a disaster. But I'm like, okay, well, I'll figure it out. It'll be fun. We're kids, you know. Yeah. And you think it's the right Allison at this point. Oh, of course.

Yeah. And you think it's the right Allison at this point. Oh, of course. There's like no doubt in my mind because we don't have so many long blonde people named Allison in Spain, you know. So Allison takes me by her hand and we walk a few houses down and then we go into this house. It's madness. When I say a tornado of people inside there, it's a tornado of adults, kids, everybody dressed up. It was a massive Halloween party I've come to. Oh, fuck. But I didn't know what was happening. And she just goes in the house, says something to me.

No idea what she says. I'm now guessing she probably said something like, oh, this is the party. Whatever. We'll hold you here. I don't know. Yeah. She just runs up the stairs. Oh stairs and I'm just standing there. By this time, realized this is not what was meant to happen.

Where am I? Am I being kidnapped? Oh, no. Is my mom ever going to find me? Should I leave? Should I stay? Do I contact an adult? Everyone's really dressed up.

So who do I know? Who should I trust? You've got to find a Spanish speaker. Yes, in Kentucky. Exactly. It's not like I'm in, you Everyone's really dressed up. So who do I know? Who should I trust? You got to find a Spanish speaker. Yes, in Kentucky. Exactly. It's not like I'm in, you know, New York City. So I'm just standing there in complete shock. I don't know how much time passed evaluating every single person.

This is so scary. It was really scary. I remember a man dressed like a pumpkin. I almost went up to him, but then it was just madness. So much noise. And all of a sudden, I hear the door open. This crazy woman runs in, grabs me, pulls me out, puts me in the car. And I'm like, what just happened?

It was my mom. Oh, phew. How'd she figure it out? Well, I got it. I got it. Oh, you want to guess? So eventually, Allison's mother called her mom to say, like, where are you guys? Allison's fixing to go trick-or-treating, and you're nowhere to be found.

But she's like, I don't know what you mean. I already dropped her off with them. And then she went, oh, fuck, that was the wrong Allison. But how'd she find that house? And then she sped back. She's probably racing around the neighborhood. Let's find out. Oh, yeah.

Quite close. My mom drove to Allison's house. The real, I mean, this allison was real but our original well we don't know she could have been going as allison that was her character wonderland exactly exactly so she was like i'm just being her very method who knows now it just adds a whole dimension to the story so your mom does carry on to allison's house so she drove there. She walks in the door and sees Allison completely dressed up with her mom. She said she opened the door. She saw the girl.

She closed the door and ran out. And they're like, these Spanish people are so insane. True. She drove back to the place in the street where she dropped me off. And then she went kind of house by house trying to find me, walking up and down the street. And then she realized there was a party in that house. So she actually thought maybe there will be someone here that's seen the girls and that will help me find them. But she opened the door.

She saw me. And she's like crazy. Oh, my God. In the end, I did go trick-or-treating with the original Allison. Oh, good. Our moms came with us just to make sure nothing else happened. Yeah, after that start, for sure, that's necessary. And it was a great experience.

Ate more candy than I had ever dreamed of. Yeah, were you just, I mean, not to pat ourselves on the back here, but I would imagine if I were 10 and I had never experienced Halloween and I went somewhere and I was like, this is America? Every house is handing out candy bars? I would think this is the most enchanted place in the world. Oh, for sure. I was like, why don't we do this?

Yeah. How long did you guys stay there in Kentucky? Four years. And how did you end up assimilating? How long did it take you to learn English? By the end of that year, I would say I was fluent because I was so young and you're just immersed. You don't really have a choice.

And as you said, I was in Kentucky. So my dad, for example, he spoke British English. He was the only one in the family that really spoke English. And people in Kentucky had a hard time understanding him. Oh, I'm sure. Yeah. We all have to adapt. So you stayed there until eighth grade?

Yeah, exactly. And did you have a boyfriend? Did boys like you? Were you an outcast? Were they charmed by your foreignness or were they scared by it? I don't know. I think people were a little bit charmed, but I was always dancing. So no boyfriend. Ballet? Yeah, at the time, mostly ballet. Now I do other sorts of dance.

Well, you're also very beautiful. So I'm sure lots of boys liked you. Oh, thank you. I have to say, Monica, you are so much cuter than in the pictures. Oh, I know the pictures are not great. That came out so much cuter than in the pictures. Oh, I know. The pictures are not great. I came out wrong. You look wonderful in the pictures. No, no, no, no. I appreciate it. I take it as a compliment because I agree and thank you.

Let's go back to Kentucky in eighth grade, though. So we're kind of fascinated with ballet dancers because it's kind of masochistic. It's very brutal. It's very masochistic. It's very brutal. It's very masochistic. Right? What impact do you think it's had on your overall personality

to have pursued that? It's hard to tell what part of me is really my personality and what part of me is my personality because I've done ballet my whole life.

Because I am very much a perfectionist. I'm very disciplined. Yes. But then I'm like, would I have been that way if I hadn't done ballet? So I don't know. Chicken or the egg. What kind of dance do you do now? I do a lot of mostly contemporary dance, but all sorts of dance. And I'm also a circus artist now.

Wow. You are. Okay. So have you seen Cirque du Soleil here ever? Yeah. Is it that vibe? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Oh my gosh. I don't think I'm more impressed by any humans on planet earth than the performers of Circus Olay. Yeah. Agreed. Me as well. It's mind blowing. We went last year and I'm just like, I don't know the physics of this.

And so brave. And so hot too. I'll throw it out there. It's the best of what humans can be really physically. Well, it's okay. Best is. Well, in the eye of the beholder. We'll cut that.

This was great. What a story. Also so scary. As a kid in a new country lost. Yeah, I learned how Halloween in America is definitely scary. And also that everyone's name can be Allison. Yes. By the way, I have many memories.

And I would go up to a door and you'd see parents in there kind of partying. People would be hammered on Halloween. You'd see like drunk adults in costume and it was always just a little scary. Unnerving. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that house party had a lot of drunk adults. I didn't realize it then, but I'm pretty sure. I remember one time we were trick-or-treating way too old. I was in high school, like ninth grade.

And we knocked at the door, me and my buddy. And this guy opened. He's like, fuck, I don't know whether to give you some candy or a beer. Which one do you want? Oh, wow. Yeah, my dad's a neighborhood. Everyone gave me candy all four years that I was in Kentucky. Oh, well, so nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for telling us that story. And if either of the All's are listening, reach out. Yeah, we would love to hear from your perspective. Especially the second Allison. I would love to know what she was thinking. Exactly. All right. This was great.

Thank you. So nice to meet you. Thank you, guys. That reminds me of a time I got lost in the Burlington Coat Factory. Oh, my God. Hold on a second. In the storefront. Not at the actual factory where they make the Burlington coats.

No, at the store. Okay. Yeah, we were coat shopping, and I got lost. How old? 13? 19. No, I was probably like eight or something. Okay.

You lost your mom. It was traumatizing. Yeah. And there were so many coats. Yeah, it's a maze of coats. Yes. I loved that place. I hate it.

Hi, Joseph. This is a beautiful wall behind you. Are you in New York City? I'm in Chicago. Yeah, no, some people think it's fake, but no, it's real. It's all tangible. It's gorgeous. Oh, thank you so much.

Yeah. Are you an architect or something? What's happening? No, no, not at all. I run a super teeny tiny tech business. It's super nerdy. Okay. What is Google?

How are you guys? Great. So good. We're having a lot of fun and it's getting us really excited for Halloween. Are you a big fan of Halloween? Just before we even hear your story, what's your feelings? Yeah. And this is actually part of the story. I'm a gay man. So Halloween is kind of like the gay Christmas. Oh, elaborate on that. People can just dress up and be themselves.

And it's just fun. Have you ever been to Halloween in West Hollywood? No. Oh, it's the event of the whole year in LA. It's really fun. Yes, it's outrageously fun. Yeah, but I feel like when you get some of those like really gay Halloween events, you get people and they just wear like a cowboy hat.

And they're like, I'm a sexy cowboy. And then that's it. So you have to be like super ripped for that. So like this isn't going to really work out. Look, I'm not going to tell you there's not a ton of sexy cowboys, which I love, of course, but there's room for everyone. We got all kinds of costumes happening. Yeah. People have a broom to like, I'm a sexy shirtless witch. Yes. I would say it's like a sliver of Burning Man. People really go all out on the costumes. People spend like a year planning. Okay.

Tell us about your crazy Halloween story. Yeah. I have to kind of apologize because, you know, you've had some pretty gross stories lately, you know, with the service industry one. Oh, yeah. No. To be fair, we said do not listen. We did. We were very upset about that.

No, I loved it. I loved it. I think it's great. But what you're pointing out is, yes, the show is circling the drain. We keep getting grosser. But weirdly, I noticed on this last one, like, we've hit something. People are. They like.

They're engaged. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I feel like, you know, if you put the disclaimer saying, don't listen to this, like, people are in. The last one, it was like, this is a flat story. And I'm just, like, hanging on to it. I'm like, I can't wait. this. People are in. The last one, it was like, this is a class story, and I'm just hanging on to it. I'm like, I can't wait. And it didn't disappoint.

So I feel like this could be up there with the leaky leg and the psoriasis. Oh, thank God. Wonderful. The dander. I'm ready. The others have been tame. So I'm sorry if this warrants a disclaimer at the beginning of your podcast. But yeah, here we go.

This explains why you're using a code name, by the way. Oh, I didn't know. 100%. Okay, great. Yeah, because, you know, I didn't want to embarrass any other people involved, you know, so I think it's important to kind of think of this as like a very, very closeted gay man over 20 years ago in conservative Ohio. So I was at a state school in Ohio and there's this one girl in my economics class that I would see super, super pretty. Let's call her Becky. Very shy, but beautiful and always

had such good comments in class. And then we were out for Halloween night and I ran into her. She was dressed as Wonder Woman. Ooh, this is a side of her we weren't expecting, right? If she's shy. Totally, yeah. Yeah. Exciting. It's at a college bar. It's like cheap beer and super sugary cocktails. So we continue hanging out and she's like, do you want to go back to my dorm? So I'm like, okay. Can I pause you there for

half a second? Please. So you already said you're not out at that point. No, I was extreme, like paranoid closeted. You know, your listeners can't see this, but I talk with my hands. I mean, it was so close to the point I wouldn't even do this because it would be a tell. Okay, so did you not know to not get yourself in situations where you were back at a gal's dorm room? Or were you nervous about that at all? Like she's going to expect something? Yes and no. For me personally, you kind of go through things because that's the things that all your friends are doing.

Yes, the quote normal thing to do. Yeah, and at that point, I'm like, maybe the whole gay thing is just a physical thing. I mean, I didn't even hold a guy's hand until after college. So it was also new and confusing and, again, like being part of that area of the country. So, yeah, you kind of do the things that you're just kind of expected to do. It would be just as dangerous to not accept that offer in your mind. Yeah, you're probably like, I should. That would be a big red flag.

Yeah, exactly. And I think there's also so much paranoia, too, that I didn't go home with this girl. So now everyone's going to know I'm gay. It's so, I imagine, exhausting. It is so exhausting. But, you know, I feel like things have obviously changed so much. So we get back to her place and she becomes fairly, fairly aggressive. So she like rips off the Wonder Woman outfit.

This is wasted on you. I can't imagine being in this situation. Sign me up, Wonder Woman disrobing. And I was nervous too, but you know, I had a method during college and that was when like Colin Farrell was the hottest dude on the planet. Yeah, still is.

Right, exactly. So it was always close your eyes, pretend when like Colin Farrell was the hottest dude on the planet. Yeah, still is. Right. Exactly. So it was always close your eyes, pretend she's Colin Farrell. Oh, good hack. Yeah, it was a perfect hack. Sasha hated sand the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan.

And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and of course a great shower. Expedia, made to travel. So she gets on the bed, lays horizontal, which I guess that's what people do. And I'm still kind of standing up awkward. She gets naked. And then she's like, come here. And the very first thing that she does, and this gets progressively worse.

So the first thing that she does is she like puts my head between her breasts and like takes the right hand and puts it on the right breast, the left hand on the left breast, and does this like aggressive motorboat, like aggressive oscillation where it's just super, super intense. Smashing your face. Smashing like my big old gay noggin between her left and her breast. It makes me really quick, not to interrupt you, but it does remind me of our friend Jess. He was at, I think, a bachelor party. He's very openly gay.

And the stripper rubbed her boobs on his face. And he's like, honestly, it felt like someone's ears on my face. He compares it to someone rubbing their ears on his face. He also always says, I would eat around it. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, it's like boobs in stereo surround, right? That's the best way to kind of think of it. Everywhere that was going on, like, you know,

Gobi surround in gariola form. So that was weird. And it was also very unsensual. And she's shy. Remember who we're talking about here? That's why it's so hot to me is that she's so shy in class and she has this tigress in her. Becky the Wonder Woman.

Alter ego. Halloween brings it out in people. Yeah. So she goes to the bathroom for two minutes and I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I didn't hear any flush. Uh-oh. So I'm like, you know, maybe she was a little bit gassy. Sure.

That happens. I'm confused and I'm nervous. I'm so sorry. What costume are you wearing? I think that's really important. I wasn't wearing anything. That's the lamest thing. Oh, wow.

I was dressed as a straight man. You were always in costume as a straight dude. Well, I bet he was afraid if he dressed up. Whatever you picked, people would be like, oh, you're gay. You picked the gay costume. You picked Iron Man. Can you imagine if I was dressed as someone from the Village People or something? That would have been amazing. The construction worker in the vest.

Okay, so she's in there. Yeah, so she came out of the bathroom, lays back down on her bed, and she pushes my head down there. Okay. She's sexually assaulting you at this point. You have no consent. It was a lot going on.

Yeah. And then all of a sudden, and I can't think of a better way, then like her vagina burped. Oh. Okay, sure. Like a queef. It's a queef.

No. Oh. Not so fast. All of this gel comes out of her vagina. Oh, she was lubing up? I don't know if it was lube or spermicide. Oh. I felt like the spermicide thing was something more in like the 70s. I don't know.

It's a mystery to this day. But it had a very hospital mentee, like they could clean the floors with it. And it went everywhere. It went in my eyes and my, like, because I think I'm assuming, you know, both of us are very inexperienced.

So it just shot out at me. Oh my God. I'm so, you know, both of us were very inexperienced. So it just shot out at me. Oh my God. I'm so embarrassed for her. So embarrassed for her. Oh. And then my immediate reaction, and I think it was a mix of the sugary drinks. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no.

Of course, of course. The spermicide slash lube. The vagina. Right, exactly. It burped Purell on you, basically. It The spermicide slash lube. The vagina. Right, exactly. It burped Purell on you, basically. It burped Purell on me. That's a really great way to say it. Okay.

The second that that happened, without thinking, I threw up. Yes, yes. Oh, my God. On her vagina. Monica, not on her vagina, inside her vagina. No. No, no, no. Not on her vagina, inside her vagina. No. No, no, no. Not on her vagina, inside her vagina.

No. Oh, my. This is, oh. Awful. This is such a disaster. It was all so quick, and, like, it was everywhere. There were definitely, like, chunks between the menorah and the majora. Ah!

Ah! Ah! Oh, my God. I feel so embarrassed for everyone. A lot of victims in the room. Yeah, so in the moment, it was just like automatic cleanup. Like, hey, are you okay? Yeah, who feels worse?

She knows that she shot that on you, right? Oh, absolutely, yeah. But I still don't know what it is. Right, we'll never find out, unfortunately. So you're both profusely apologizing to each other? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But I still don't know what it is. Right. We'll never find out, unfortunately. So you're both profusely apologizing to each other? Yeah. Yeah. Because like, I felt terrible. I think she was just apologetic of the situation. So there was kind of the immediate cleanup. I went home. But then like after that, I was paranoid for such a long time. Are people going to find out the guy that's afraid to use exaggerated hand movements is a guy that saw a vagina and threw up into it.

I mean, that is like a cliche. Cliche. Oh. Touche. So that's it. What was the vibe back in class with her? Did you guys like ever hang again? Did you talk about it?

We never talked about it. We were in the same class for the rest of the semester. We would see each other out and about and we're friendly. But at the end of the day, I think it was two super awkward people that weren't used to doing that because I think she was probably trying to do the things that she thought was sexy. And like, here I am again, pretending this was Colin Farrell. So it was just two awkward kids. Yeah, I got a hunch she went into the bathroom. The reason she was gone so long, obviously it didn't take her two minutes to put that spermicide in herself. She was looking at a tube, and she's like, how much am I supposed to use of this? She was probably reading the back of it, and she probably put way too much in. That was the thing, yeah. In the putting of all that in there, some air got trapped in there, and it was just a packed cannon at that point. It was like a musket.

Oh, my God. It was like the poppet things and confetti would go everywhere. Yeah, New Year's Eve. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I mean, you said burped, but really it also threw up. That's true. The vagina threw up, and then you threw up.

And you thought throw up would throw up. The result of that, you just have the most disgusting, heinous mixture of liquids but again like it was on slash in her so she got the worst end of that how long before you left the scene yeah i don't clearly remember i remember being very quick it left in a very nice and kind way but it was just one of those things where i think both of us maybe had like someone spoken truth that we'll never talk about this moment ever again. Right. I hope she found out eventually that you are gay. Because if that happened to me, I would feel like, oh, I can never show my vagina to anyone else ever.

But wait, hold on. You don't think she would naturally attribute it to the burp and the Purell everywhere. You should do that. That's what happened, but you won't. You're going to hate this. I just want to warn you, you're going to hate this. If I had been in that exact same situation, it wouldn't have slowed me down a bit. I mean, I'm telling you the truth. It would have taken so much more than that more than that had come my way in my youth and that would not slow me down you're with colin farrell he comes out of the bathroom and he butt burps some purell you're fine right yeah let's do it let's go yeah let's just sweep this under the rug but it got in your mouth there's a chance it just but he's already well

he was already in a rough situation. Yeah, so I think that's actually a big part of it, though. Because I think, yeah, if things were different, I'd be like, okay, not a big deal. But in this instance, this is just too much. And then everything, I couldn't. And the thing is, I'm not a throw-up type of person. Like, probably 10 times in my life. If you've only thrown up 10 times in your life, we can conclude that 10% of the time you throw up, it's in a vagina.

I would say 80%. No, just kidding. Monica, I just wanted to get back to your question. So we are friends on social, so she does know. Okay. So if there's any lingering insecurities, then it should be fine. Big I clarified. Oh, good.

A lot of healing has happened in the last two decades. Well, it's so nice to meet you. Thank you guys so much for having me on. This has been an absolute pleasure. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. Yeah. No repeat story performances.

All right, take care. Can you guys hear me? Yes. Beautifully. You sound fantastic. I don't even know what to say. This is fantastic. I can't believe it.

Listen, it looks like you're on the poster of Garden State. Almost, right? The wallpaper and the chair. It's incredible. What's happening? Are you a vampire? You know what? I actually am.

I just woke up for this. The sun's coming down here in Oklahoma. Actually, my dad has a hearing aid practice and I'm in his testing room. Oh, wow. Thankfully, this fell after business hours. So I was able to actually come in here and use it. Okay, so is it like dead quiet in there normally? Oh, yeah. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears. Oh, okay. So, Logan, you're in Oklahoma. Is that where this Halloween story took place? Yes. So, this actually took place here in Tulsa, Oklahoma last last year. So my wife and I got married last August. And so last year, after we got married,

we wanted to do a couple's costume. And Monica, we love Harry Potter too. It's one of the things that we bonded over. We read all the books growing up. I mean, I think we watched the movies at least once a month. So it's a big deal for us. We love Harry Potter. And so we've done the Pottermore

tests. I'm a Gryffindor and she's a Ravenclaw. Wow. Great pairing. I know, right? Sometimes I think she thinks I'm a Slytherin, but you know, that's kind of up for debate. We went online, I found a couple of really good robes and we wanted to hold on to them for a few years because she really wants to go to Harry Potter world as her graduation gift next year when she's done with school. So we thought, perfect, we'll get a couple of good ones. What's important about this, though, is that even though we kind of found some better ones, the only ones we could find were made out of polyester. So we had a few parties lined out on the 29th last year because Halloween was on a Monday. And the first one that we decided to go to was actually a family friend's. And they're neighbors of my parents.

We've done Thanksgivings with them before. So we figured let's start here and then we'll see where the night goes after this. We get over there and we're probably at the party for maybe an hour, hour and a half. It's starting to get going. People are coming in. You know, we've had a few drinks at this point. And he comes out, the host. And it's important to note that he's wearing

an adult Bam Bam costume. So he's got on like the blonde wig, the foot shoes on and everything. So he comes out and grabs me and says, hey, Logan, you got to come inside and try this dish that my wife's making. Now, at the time, I didn't know anything about it. He's real excited. I immediately knew that something cool was happening because as soon as I walked in, there was just a group of people standing around the center island in the kitchen. And all I could see was a flame coming up about two feet in the air from the countertop. Okay. So we get over there and I find out that this dish is called, I'm probably going to butcher this, it's a Portuguese dish called chorizo bombiero. I guess translates to sausage cooked on fire.

And what it looks like is there's this ceramic dish that has a reservoir in the bottom of it that you pour Everclear into and you light it on fire. Oh, wow. I get there in time with him that they're pulling the first sausage off, and it was really good. You know, he's slicing it up. He's handing me some bites of it. I'm having some more. So we're standing right there, and his wife goes to put the next sausage on, and... Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We caught you. I kind of wanted to do it subtly. I didn't want to draw attention to the Ted Seegers. I got to tell the audience that Logan just took a big swig of Ted Seegers.

How good is that NA beer? It's fantastic. This is my last one of the case. I'm going to have to order more. We got more coming end of the month. Perfect. I need one of those shirts that says, Ted Seegers, please, I'm driving.

Okay, perfect. So I don't know if you've ever burned Everclear or any other type of grain alcohol before, but when it gets down to the bottom part, the flames are actually invisible. So it creates the illusion that there's no more fire. At this point, his wife then thinks that we need to light another fire. And so she grabs the bottle of Everclear, starts pouring it in the reservoir, and it explodes. Oh, God. Fire three feet up in the air.

It went out both ends of the reservoir. Oh, no. It just happened so fast. I throw my hands up, and what it really felt like was, you know when you open an oven really fast, and it's like on broil, and you just feel the heat coming out? Yeah. I'm just kind of in shock and I see my parents neighbor and his wig is on fire.

Oh. Okay. Bam bam? Bam bam's on fire. Okay. Not ideal. No. Not ideal at all. Especially in those shoes. You can't run very well. I then notice that nobody's watching him. They're all staring at me. Oh shit.

I'm on fire. Oh, my God. Jesus. My robe had completely gone up in flames. I mean, everything. I've got the polyester tie that came with the costume. It's on fire. No. Oh, my God. That was dangerous. Thankfully, my kindergarten training kicked in, and I remember to stop, drop, and drop and roll. And I can't take all the credit for that. Someone was yelling at him to fall down as he was running in the backyard. And so I heard it. And so I remember to stop, drop and roll around. One swift motion, shirts off, robes gone, everything. And I am hauling it to the bathroom to assess the damage. Yeah. Wow.

Are you just in a pair of panties at this point? Oh, no. Thankfully, I've still got pants on. Okay, great, great, great, great. Those didn't catch on fire. The robe and shirt, completely toast. I never even saw the robe again. They threw it away before I could even see it. I don't think there was much left.

Someone could have just done a spell. You know, I was the only one with the wand. Oh, fuck, yeah, that's on you. I know. I know. I should have at least made sure that my wife had one, too. Because then, you know, she could have used the aguamente, get me out, we would have been fine.

Aguamente, boom, guys. Amazing. I'm assessing the damage, and it didn't really start hurting until I could see what it looked like and I have pictures if you want to see. I know, Dax, you may be interested. Of course I am. The entire bottom right side of my face and both of my hands were just completely burned.

So whenever I had thrown my hands up like this, I guess I missed this part. Oh. Yeah. And so it just went right here and got both of my hands. Oh my God. Let me add, you have enormous hands. I just want to congratulate you

on how fucking big your hands are. I think that's actually an illusion that it's close to the camera. Thank you. I appreciate it. I'll take it.

I don't know if you can really see that super well. Oh! Oh no! Oh my Lord, son! Wow! That looks so painful. So that was my face.

And those were my hands. Oh, my gosh. Ow. Logan, I'm shocked your face looks completely fine now. Yeah. How long did it take to heal? It was about two weeks before I could use my hands again. And it was about three, maybe four weeks before it was all no longer noticeable.

It was about three, maybe four weeks before it was all no longer noticeable. I do notice my cheeks get red more often now, and I've got a couple spots on my hands that do. But other than that, it's like I got a free chemical peel out of it. Wow. It's very glass half full. Well, the best glass half full is that it got me here. I get to talk to you. My dad's running next door, getting the car.

And meanwhile, my wife has no idea what happened. Nobody went and grabbed her or told her anything. She's just still in the backyard. Having a great time. Yeah. So eventually someone comes and gets her and they tell her, hey, Molly, I think you need to go inside. Logan's having kind of a hard time right now. That's what they told her.

What? Like you're in a bad mood? But that's all they told her. What? Like you're in a bad mood? But that's all she got. And then when she came inside, obviously her jaw dropped. She's freaking out. We get to the hospital and it is packed.

Saturday night in the ER. There's so many people there. But what's really funny is that for Halloween night, there was nobody in costumes. Oh, I'm surprised. We were the only ones. Oh.

Yeah, I would have thought the whole place was like the monster mask. People with fucking missing hands and stuff. That's what I was expecting, too. They're trying to figure out who's actually injured and which one's part of the costume. Right. What's real blood? What's fake? So I get in there, and my first thought is, oh, shit, this is going to be a while before I can get back there.

And then they immediately take me back before my wife's even done signing the paperwork. And so my first thought is, oh shit, this is going to be a while before I can get back there. And then they immediately take me back before my wife's even done signing the paperwork. And so my first thought is, oh, this is great. I don't have to wait. And then I think, oh, this must be really bad if I don't have to wait. Yeah. Good point. So they get me back there. I've got my wedding band on and it looked like gold, but it was made out of tungsten steel. They're trying to cut it off my finger. like gold, but it was made out of tungsten steel. They're trying to cut it off my finger. It broke two drills. The first one, it popped the blade off. The second one, it was too dull. So I asked the guy, I said, hey, how come we're focusing on this and we're not getting other things moving because I'm in a lot of pain here? He said, well, two reasons. Your hands are swelling at a rate that if we don't get that off, you could lose that finger. Oh, God. Okay. And he said, and we can't give you any pain medicine because it may make your hands swell

more. So we've got to find a way to get this off your finger. Whoa. He turned around. I don't know what he was looking for, but that scared the hell out of me. So I grabbed that ring and I yanked it off my hand. The ring came off and so did all of the skin on that finger. Ripped the whole thing off. The whole thing was ordeal. They ended up having to transfer me to the burn center at a different hospital. I spent about three hours there because they had to wait for the blisters to get to full size before they could do anything. So they actually went in and they cut them all off.

Oh, my God. Oh, wow. went in and they cut them all off. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Very satisfying while they're cutting it off. All this hot pus is coming out of my hands. Oh, wow. The cold air on it felt really great. What didn't feel so good is when they had to get the wire brush and start cleaning them out. No!

Stop! I hope Doodle Boy animates this one, and I hope he has a skeleton finger. Oh, God. That was just the bone in the drawing. Oh, my gosh. You know what? That would make my day.

Well, this already has made my year, but if I could see that as the Doodle Boy sketch, that would be fantastic. Oh, my God. Logan. You know, all in all, everything healed up pretty great. They were second-degree burns, which meant no nerve damage. It also meant that I felt every second of every single thing because there was no nerve damage. You have a very good attitude about this experience. I really want to applaud how well you've taken this whole thing.

Well, I get to talk to you guys. Well, that's very sweet. I think this is the happiest way I've ever told this story. So this year, what are you going to go as this year? You should go as a Roman candle to fuck with people. You know what? I thought about going as a burn victim. They sent me the e-bite to the same party like a week ago.

Oh, my God. You know, I've still got plenty of bandages. Yeah, that would be great. That's so funny. Or come as a firefighter. One of the two with an extinguisher. Oh yeah. Wow.

Well, Logan, what a pleasure to meet you. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I thank you because it amused us greatly. Well, thank you both so much. Really appreciate it. All right, bye. Stay safe out there. As we've heard, many, many things can go wrong. Oh, my God.

It's not shocking. I mean, it's a night where everyone's dressing up as alter egos. I mean, it is the drunkest I've ever been. Yeah, that's so common. I tell you, that was always a disastrous holiday for us. We would overconsume. Why? There's so many other holidays where drinking's a thing.

It's the alter ego thing. Yeah. You look in the mirror and you're like, oh, I'm this creature tonight and I'm going to behave as such. You just feel like you're anonymous in a way. Yeah. You act like you're on social media. Wow. Scary. Scary. Ding, ding, ding. We've already revealed, but should we re-reveal our Halloween characters we're playing?

Yes. Okay. So everyone knows I'm Gryffindor. No, I'm Oldowan. Dumbledore. I'm Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Dumbledore. Oh my God.

I'm Dumbeldore. I love dumbbells. Listen, we're doing Harry Potter Halloween, and there's a wide range in the group of fans. Yeah. Some people are really extreme fans. Rabid. Some would say rabid.

And others don't know much at all. That's right. It's causing a rift. Is it? This is not news to anyone, though, that I'm just like, I liked the movies. Not just you. There's others. There's others out there on your team.

I didn't know that. I'm going as Rita Skeeter. Rita Skeeter, pumpkin eater eater And she's a gossip? Yes, she's a bad journalist Right, and she breaks all these gossipy stories And it turns out she's also a wizard? No, she's an unregistered animagus Which means she can turn into a beetle fly

And that's how she's getting all this information Fly on the wall Proverbial fly on the wall proverbial fly on the wall that's right the proverbial what was the thing i said the other day the proverbial and you wanted to know oh the proverbial oh it was a proverbial goat eating balls sack something eating goat balls eating goat balls yeah in a local community well i i love halloween and I hope everyone has a wonderful Halloween. I know.

That should have made us less excited for Halloween. It actually made me more excited. I'm so excited. I love the festivities. Me too. Well, I love you. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? Or a theme song? No. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show so here i go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our jerry's we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rindish on the flyer rindish enjoy