Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Holiday Vacation

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a wild holiday vacation. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Starship Trooper. Wow. That's your new nickname, Starship Trooper.

It feels too sci-fi for me. I'm not very sci-fi. And it's probably obvious that it's just a carryover from Thursday's episode. You don't have to say that. Well, I'm just trying to pull open the Komodo. I don't want to take a big old gander. You say Komodo? Komodo.

I know, but it sounded like you said Komodo, which is kind of a mix of Komodo and Komode. Yes, sure. Which is like pull open the like you said Komodo, which is kind of a mix of kimono and komode. Yes, sure. Which is like pull open the lid to the komodo. Also very revealing. Very. And potentially exposing. Yes, yes. This is our holiday episode.

The prompt was tell us about a wild holiday vacation. To be clear, this is our Holiday armchair anonymous prompt it's not the holiday armchair expert episode that's to come yes and it will not be on friday's armchair anonymous it'll be on next friday's armchair anonymous slot it'll be next friday it'll be a week from today oh well i strike all that from the record this is the last armchair anonymous of the year this is the last one of the year. Yep. And you can listen to this one.

I just, I went through them all. You can. I listened and I didn't puke. Well, there's one that's, it's not pukey,

but it's, I think it's a little nasty. Yeah, the exploding. Yeah. Okay. Well, look,

you know, I think if you've made it this far in Armchair Anonymous, this will be, this will be nothing. I agree. Yeah, this is good to go.

Play it on Christmas morning with the whole family as their unwrapping presents. Please enjoy Crazy Wild Holiday Vacation Stories. My life I had them both But one thing You gotta know I'ma keep on shining All right, we got holidays. All right, here's Kim. I wonder if it's my friend Kim.

Hi! Is that your friend Kim? No. No, she thought maybe it might be her friend Kim. I think I am your friend Kim. I feel like I am. That's exactly right. You're my your friend Kim? No. No, she thought maybe it might be her friend Kim. I think I am your friend Kim. I feel like I am. That's exactly right. You're my new friend Kim.

Kim, where are you? I am in a suburb outside of Philadelphia called Wayne, Pennsylvania. And are you from there? I am not from here. We moved here end of 2019. Just before? Just before. From where?

Where were you leaving? We were outside of DC, Arlington, Virginia. Okay. Is there a military? Is there a government, anything? No, it was for my husband's work, but just where we lived. He's not an FBI agent. He's not. Okay. Maybe they're not allowed to tell a CIA. CIA, I don't know if they can tell you. FBI, they can tell you. Who knows? We'll see. Maybe somehow it's revealed in the holiday vacation story. Okay, so you have a crazy, or I guess it wasn't crazy, wild we used? Anything. Any holiday story you got a doozy for us?

I would call it both crazy and wild, and I'm excited to tell it to you guys. So at the time of this story, I'm dating this guy. We'll call him Zach, and he is a Capricorn like you, Dax. We just did a lot of Capricorn investigation this morning. We happen to be really brushed up on it right now. Yes. I think he really fits the bill. So his birthday is January 1st. His celebration is always tied into New Year's Eve with friends, rolling into New Year's Day, his birthday. So his 30th birthday is coming up. And at this point, we've been dating for about a year. We decide we're going to take a big trip to celebrate. We're going to go to Europe and

three other couples of our friends end up joining. And we're all going to meet in Paris on New Year's Eve, celebrate Zach's birthday. What could be more romantic? No, this is incredible. I'm just so excited. This is our first big trip. This is the first extended time I'm taking with his friends. And you learn so much about someone when you travel with them. For better or worse. Right. So things are going great. And we get to Paris. Zach and I got really lucky because the parents of one of my little sister's friends had heard we were going. They have an apartment in Paris that they weren't using and said, you can stay there. Is it Bradley Cooper? Is that his apartment?

I wish. But it was very nice. We get there and it's beautiful. It's so centrally located. You pop your head out of one of those little balcony windows. You're looking right at the Eiffel Tower. So everything is great. And the plan for the night is we're all going to gather at our apartment. We're going to pregame with some charcuterie, some champagne is we're all going to gather at our apartment. We're going to pregame with some charcuterie, some champagne. We're all dressing up, even though it's really cold out. In our head, it's this super classy event. And then we're going to go up to Montmartre to watch fireworks from where the Sacré-Cœur is on the top of this big hill. So we're on the train. We have had our champagne, finished like a whole bottle of wine on the train. Sure. Keep drinking when we're up at the hill. Yeah. Smoking lots of

cigarettes, doing everything that just like an American would be doing in Paris. Stopping to write a poem here and there. Right. Midnight comes and we all share some sloppy kisses with our respective significant others. This is about the time that my memory is starting to get a little hazy. Okay, sure, sure. Midnight passes and we go down to the hill. We find this bar. And a couple of things I remember about the bar is, one, we go up to the bartender and I ask them for a shot that's going to taste really good.

Oh, okay. And whatever they hand me back is on fire. Maybe absinthe. Yeah. I take the shot. Obviously that really helps my memory get even hazier from there. The other thing I remember about the bar is that it was either enormous or the layout was just super confusing. But this point has been validated by the fact that actually another girl in our group got lost within the bar and it was very hard to find your way back from the bathroom. Everyone's lost. This is incredible.

Inside of a place. Her boyfriend's crying hysterically, certain she's gone forever. Everyone's hammered. Oh my God. She just wanders up casually like, what's wrong? What's going on? Mike, what is it? I thought you were dead.

My fate was a little different. I went to the bathroom at one point and I came out and I don't know what time it was, but the bar is starting to shut down and I can't find my friends. I'm separated. Now this young Parisian man approaches me and he's trying to help me. I'm explaining that I'm separated. Now this young Parisian man approaches me and he's trying to help me. I'm explaining that I'm separated. I'm trying to find my boyfriend. I'm in distress. He may have been flirting with me. I don't know. We'll never really know. I ask him if I can use his phone. The problem is that it's 2014 going into 2015. So we have iPhones, but no one really has international data plans.

Right. Sure. Only like one or two people in our groups phone with even work out in the wild without Wi-Fi. And my boyfriend's one of them, but I don't know any phone numbers. Yeah. So my drunken mind thinks that the best and only way to contact my friends is to somehow get on Facebook and send them a message that eventually they'll see. Tomorrow when they're looking at Facebook in the morning hungover. Right. So bad news is that my Parisian man does not have access to Facebook on his phone.

Good news is that he tells me he has a computer at his apartment I could log on. Oh my God. Perfect. Oh no. Didn't mean perfect. Ideal. Oh my God. Perfect. Oh no. Didn't mean perfect. Ideal. Oh my God. Let's go to a second location.

Never go to a second location. Only third locations. Only the third. That's right. What's that from? You say that on scene. Oh. So I follow him and I end up mounting his moped.

And we are driving away from the bar oh my god hold on if i'm your boyfriend and you've gone to the bathroom and i walk outside i see you drive off with a french dude on a fucking moped i'm like and it's my birthday oh yeah let's not forget it's my birthday yeah it's at this point that i noticed his ponytail hanging out from under his helmet and i mean that detail has absolutely no bearing on the story, but it feels really... But it does. It's telling. I thought you were going to say, actually, it was a girl. Oh, that would be safer. That would feel much safer. If I see you drive off with a gal on her

moped, I'm like, oh, that's a fun adventure they're about to have. I have no idea how long we drive, where we drive to. I'm so drunk. I don't know how I didn't fall off and die. But we get to his apartment and there is, in fact, a computer.. I'm so drunk. I don't know how I didn't fall off and die, but we get to his apartment and there is in fact a computer and I'm trying to log on. Of course, Facebook is putting me through all these security prompts because I'm in a foreign country trying to access my account from an unknown device. And it's at this point that I'm like, you know what, Kim, this isn't a great situation. This guy probably doesn't really want to help you find your boyfriend. He probably wants you to stay here with his ponytail.

Take your clothes off and get comfortable. I panic. I'm like, I got to go. I bolt out of the apartment. He doesn't follow me. It's fine. I get to the street, but I have no money. I have no phone.

Everything I had was like in my boyfriend's pocket. Oh, this is stressful. I cannot believe how far you got from the bathroom on accident. This is like such a disaster. It is. I know. I'm sorry, Monica. I knew it would really stress you out.

Yeah, this makes me itch. I'm here telling the story, so just know that. Yeah, that's true. Good point. Spoiler, you're alive. I hail down a cab. I'm crying. I'm trying to explain my situation to him.

He takes pity on me, gives me a ride. Some miracle, I remember the name of our street. So he gets me close enough that I'm starting to kind of recognize my surroundings and I find the building we're staying in. And then second miracle, I remember the code to the keypad to get into like the first door. Wow. You couldn't get from the bathroom to the people, but you could get really on fire. Yeah. Maybe the flaming shot. Yeah. It sounds like the absence straightened you out a little bit.

So I'm in this little airlock vestibule where, you know, they have like the mailboxes and the trash cans. Real quick question. You had taken a train to go see these fireworks and then you walked to a bar. So presumably that bar was pretty far away from where you were staying. It was pretty far. So it was a lengthy cab ride. Wow.

Okay. And of course, they can't leave. Right. Well, we're going to find out. But like my girlfriend goes to the bathroom. She doesn't come back. I'm not like, I bet you'll figure out how to get 20 minutes back to the... I'm going to stay there forever.

Especially I have a phone and stuff. Okay. Anyways. So I'm in this airlock. I'm furiously trying to figure out how to use the call buzz box. No one's answering. It may be user error. I don't know. But I kind of resigned myself to the fact of you're going to be here for a little while. So I kind of crouched like fetal position. I'm trying to just cover myself with my coat because it's warmer than it is outside, but there's no heat. So it's still

really cold. I'm in a dress and stockings and heels. It went from 35 to 54. Yeah. Yeah. I might've slept a little bit. I don't know. But at some point, this older French man opens the door. He's walking his dog in the morning and I jump up and I grab the door to go in and he's trying to stop me. Like, who are you? Why do you think you can come in this building? He probably thought I was some unhoused stranger. Yeah, prostitute. Strung out. Oh, wow, prostitute.

I mean, I did a little duolingo leading up to the trip, but nothing that's helping me in this scenario. So we're kind of screaming at each other and I just get past and run upstairs. I'm banging on the door. Zach opens the door. So he had gotten back before you. He had gotten back before me. And we just kind of look at each other. We really don't exchange many words.

I think we kind of hugged. We fall asleep back in bed immediately. But now our phones are ding, ding. We're back on Wi-Fi. The rest of our group is trying to find out where's Kim? Is she alive? What are we doing to find her? Half of them had been up half the night figuring out how we're going to contact the embassy. Do we call her parents? What do we do? Amanda Knox. Right. The other half had attempted to do a little search party, but they're like, what do we do? We're going to these closed bars being like, hey, have you seen this drunk white girl with dark hair? Yeah. It's New Year's Eve. So they were kind of like, well, she's gone. Let's head back. Zach says that his plan, we're debriefing now. He and I are getting each other's stories.

He was trying to find me. He's looking around a little bit, but I think it was just that kind of feeling of like, what do you do with no phone and nothing? His phone actually got stolen out of his hand by apparently a teenager on a skateboard, is what one of our other friends in the group told us. This is a very messy night. He chases after the thief with a corkscrew that he had in his pocket as his weapon. So we're just all in bad shape. His plan was to come home, have a water, have a coffee, get back to looking for me. But of course, in reality, he passed out and was awoken to me

banging on the door. Oh my God. We meet up with our friends just to kind of show some proof of life, but we're so tired. Everything's miserable. We head back to the apartment. We sleep off this shame, this hangover, all of that. And again, it's his birthday. So I'm feeling terrible. He says that the only thing he really wants to do is watch a movie. And we spend an embarrassing amount of time trying to figure out how to stream American content on our computer. Okay. And when I tell you the effort he put into finding the movie he wanted to watch, which I ultimately find out is Fletch. Oh, my favorite. My favorite. Number one comedy of all time. I thought you might agree there, but the effort he put into that had to have been more than the effort he put into finding me. And I kind of got mad for a minute. And then I had to remind

myself, Kim, you left the bar with a ponytailed Parisian on a moped on his birthday. Okay. Everyone took responsibility. Yeah, yeah. And that leads us to what I think is the craziest part of this story. After that night, he did not break up with me. We have been now married for five years. What?

Oh, I definitely thought that was the end. Yes. By the way, this whole time I'm kind of projecting onto him. You said he's a Capricorn? Yes. I want to be very clear. If I were drunk, I got to add, if I were drunk, like sober, I wouldn't think this, but drunk, I think I would be like, I would never do this to you.

I wouldn't be this irresponsible. I wouldn't jump on someone's and just fucking leave you my little be self-sufficient don't be a pull on other people would have I think justified some bad behavior from me I can imagine just going well fuck this I'm out of here she ruined the whole thing by taking off you're like I would go like she made all these took off with the ponytail. You wouldn't have known that. Well, he knows that she left the bar. Well, he knows she's lost.

That's all anyone knows. He says that his mindset was just without having planned a meeting point, going home would be like the only place we all know. That is what I would have thought. We read pragmatic in the Capricorn description today, right? We did. But then the other funny thing is that we have actually also spent every single New

Year's Eve since that trip with those same friends, except, of course, my ponytail Parisian. Wow. And have things cleaned up a little bit over the years? Who knows? Not really. Let's hope he's got a wayward lost tourist using his computer right now. The pony. That seems like what he liked.

Yeah. Yeah. So Zach is his real name, but I just didn't want to bury the lead that he's my husband. But he was the one who really encouraged me to submit this story. Oh, I love it. Yeah. I'm just super grateful that he was so nonjudgmental. Yeah.

Both of you. True. Because I could easily in your situation been like you left in Paris with my phone? We rehash the story a lot with our friends and our favorite way to retell it is that Zach opens

the door and he's just like super well rested. He's making this huge breakfast. He's listening to Tom Jones fresh squeezed orange juice. Having the best birthday of his life. Yeah. Oh, you're back. I knew you'd be back.

Wasn't worried. Yeah. Well, that was great. Oh, Kim, that was lovely. I'm so delighted you're still together. Me too. Thank you. Yeah.

I just have to say, I am so excited to be talking to you guys. I am a huge fan. I literally have listened to every single episode from day one. I'm just so grateful I learned so much from you guys. Oh my God. Thank you, Kim. You're welcome. And also, at the risk of sounding like a suck up, I just want to add that Wobby Wob, you are a man of few words on this show, but every time you do speak, it is such quality content. I love when you have little features. So I just had to add that. Do you want to respond?

Thank you. You've seen him too. Have you seen him? Of course. I follow him on Instagram. He's obnoxiously cute, isn't he? He's really cute. Yeah, we were just in Vegas together for the race and he was getting attacked.

I was really jealous of all the places you're eating and everything you were doing. Thank you. Thank you for being jealous. I guess that's the ultimate compliment. Well, Kim, this was a blast. I love that story and everything you were doing. Thank you. Thank you for being jealous. I guess that's the ultimate compliment. Well, Kim, this was a blast. I love that story. And it's coming up. So wish him a happy birthday.

We're just around the corner. I will. Can I call him in here? Yes, of course. Oh, and a little person. Oh, we have a little visitor. Hi, Zach. Hey, how's it going?

Hi. We just heard this delightful story of Paris on New Year's. What a story, huh? Yeah, you guys made it. We made it out alive and got a little one to show for us. Yes, you do. Oh, she's so cute. Successful trip.

She looks like Cindy Lou Who right now. She does. What's her name? Winnie. Oh, my God. Winnie, what a cute name. Go see Anne. Oh, what'd she say?

She wants to go watch the ants go marching. Oh, yes, as you should. I want to do that, too. Well, nice meeting you, beautiful family. You, too. Thank you guys so much. All right, take care. Bye, Winnie. Oh, my God, what a cutie pie.

Oh, she was so cute. She said something in a little baby voice. I know. I wanted to watch the show. I want to do ants. Make me a milkshake. Make me some ants. Ants on a log? Yeah, that was never for me because of raisins.

I don't like raisins. You hate raisins. Hello. Hello. Evan, how are you? Doing very well. Really good to see you guys. You've hung up some sound dampening. Thank you. My pleasure. Yeah, how are you? Doing very well. Really good to see you guys. You've hung up some sound dampening. Thank you. My pleasure. Yeah, I made a full blanket fort for you guys.

I really appreciate it. Dax thinks I'm making this up. You said that last time because someone was on. I cut it out. But someone was on and said, I'm adhering to the bit of making it soundproof. And then you said it is a bit. And it is not a bit and it is not a bit. It's not a bit.

I almost had to cut a whole story because someone was in the bathroom and you can barely understand. Right. It's not a bit. It's sincere, but it has become a bit. That's also true. It has become a bit, but I need everyone to please follow the rules. Follow the rules, even though it's a bit. I'm sweating in here. I've got blankets up all directions. Evan died at the hands of this request. Where are you, Evan? Right now, I am in my trailer that I live out of in Sedona.

Oh, we love Sedona. We had the best trip there. Enchanted. It's a pretty special place. So yeah, my wife and I live full time on the road. So we're in Sedona for a bit and then on to the next place. So how long will you stay in Sedona? How long have you been there? We've been here for about a week. We'll be here for another couple of weeks and then I think we'll head a little farther south,

just kind of chase in 70 degrees, get as much mountain biking and climbing in as possible. Still working too. What a life. So you're a climber. Yes. I would love to see you with your shirt off. I can tell things are really tight. I can tell by the deltoids and it's not even a revealing shirt, but I know you have arrows. I can feel it. Oh, God. You do, don't you? If it keeps getting warmer in here, we can. Oh, he has arrows. Okay. Okay. Okay. Evan, please tell us about your holiday story. Please tell us about your arrows. Please show me your arrows and then tell me about the holiday story. Okay.

So this one takes place around Christmas time last year. And so a little backstory. My mother-in-law is a lifelong nurse and she has worked every major holiday for the last 10 years. So while everyone else is having Christmas together, she's working and allowing other people to do that with their families. And this last Christmas, she put her foot down and said, I'm not working Christmas anymore. I want to be with my family. Not only did she want to be with her family, but she wanted to visit us where we were living, which is in Boulder, Colorado at the time. In a permanent dwelling then? Or were you on the road then as well?

Permanently dwelling in Boulder there. We were there for three years. We've been in Colorado for 10 years years just this last summer we decided to fuck this try something different yeah yeah so we arranged to get her the postcard christmas that she deserves we booked a little cabin up in the woods this little mountain town in colorado and everything was all set to go and one week before Christmas, I get an email in my inbox saying, the property has been sold. Here's your money back. Have a good rest of your day.

Oh, God. This happened to me in Miami for the Formula One race two years ago. It feels unacceptable. Like when it happens, you're like, no, no, no. This can't happen. I agree. What if Evan proceeds to tell us that he murdered the proprietor? And now he's on the road.

He's on the run. He's on the lam. Spoiler. Yeah, these blankets are up all the time. But yeah, it was awful. It was devastating. Mostly for mom, right? Like she's coming out here.

We wanted to do this for her. So we had to come up with something new. And my wife and I are kind of typical millennials. We don't have a lot of Christmas stuff just hanging around. We celebrate Christmas, but we don't go all out. Is that a typical millennial thing? Yeah. What's the hang up? Is it too corny or it's too indulgent, too materialistic? What is the objection? Maybe the materialism and just owning the stuff. Like at my mom's house,

there's a whole wall of boxes. I get that. Then I'm an atypical millennial because I love so much stuff. You want to ultimately die from being buried under your all my stuff, not credenzas. But what do you keep collecting? Armors. Yeah. Death by armor. So we got the Christmas tree, you know, we got the tinsel and everything and we got it set up and it was looking pretty good. We had the Christmas music going and the little fireplace video on the TV looking real cozy. Oh, nice.

So extra special Christmas in Colorado because last year a wicked cold front came through and it got to negative 19 degrees in like the Denver Boulder area. And that couple of days leading up to Christmas. So my in-laws fly in from Florida to be greeted by the negative 19 degree weather. but we're making it work and we're hanging out in the house for a few days. Another piece of backstory is that half of my in-laws have Crohn's disease. So you can imagine the toilets in our house. We're getting a little bit of work, exercise in a couple of days leading up to this. Stretching their legs. Flash forward to Christmas Eve.

We're having a nice Christmas Eve breakfast, drinking our Christmas Eve coffee and coffee, you know, starts doing what it tends to do. Yeah, stretching their legs. And I hear him flush the toilet. And then I hear a loud rush. And I hear a crash. And then I hear screams coming from downstairs. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow, wow, wow, wow. This is exciting. I'm going to resist guessing.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, Monica hates it. Monica hates me. No, Jesus. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water.

You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and of course a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel. So,

I guess a pipe had burst and it had crashed through the ceiling and shit all over Christmas. Okay, so the exhaust of the toilet ruptured, flooded the ceiling. The ceiling immediately buckled or got saturated and crumbled. Flimsy ceiling, and it just went right through.

Raining dad shit. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Merry Christmas. All over. Christmas miracle. Leading up to it, we had a few days of the toilet getting some work done by the rest of the family too so it was it was about as bad as you could have asked for

for people like puking and stuff i mean once it happens i gotta imagine though the whole family's pretty chill with shit if everyone has crones raining on you is a different scenario that is a new development but i imagine no one's like super touchy about it, right? The number of poop jokes and farting out loud, it's just part of the process. Wow. This was a little next level, but it's definitely something we're used to. Who begins cleaning it up? Your father-in-law?

I don't know, actually, who began cleaning it up. But I think there was a good moment of shock and pause. And then we said, okay, well, we got to do something about this. And so we start cleaning up and we call the complex manager and they were amazing immediately. And I think it was like negative 15 degrees at this point, Christmas Eve, they called someone and got someone out right away. And so they had people coming in and looking at the walls, look at the pipes. And they said, they're going to send a plumber. This is where I start thinking, wait a second. I was also on the toilet at the same time.

And when this happened, you bet I didn't flush the toilet there because that was just going to rain down again. So sitting in the upstairs bathroom is just a toilet full of my poop. Christmas Eve. Yeah. I don't know what the etiquette is on this. Bathroom is just a toilet full of my poop. Christmas Eve. Yeah. Wow. I don't know what the etiquette is on this, but I didn't want to subject this angel saint who's coming out on Christmas Eve to come help us. I didn't want to subject him to a toilet bowl full of my own shit.

So I did what made sense at the time. And I said, okay, well, if I can't flush it down, let's like get it out the other way. Okay. You thought I better transfer it. Yes, exactly. Okay. I'm glad you guys aren't thinking this is totally weird. So I get the doggy bags, right? Yeah, this is great. Put your hand in there and dip it in and just picking things out one at a time. Obviously it goes without saying it was firm enough for you to do that. I'm so glad you asked. So I've picked up plenty of dog poop in my life and you kind of know what it feels like. There's something extra awful about picking up your own poop out of cold toilet bowl water that had been sitting there for like 20 minutes. This is going to be one of those

ones you can't listen to. It was not nearly as solid as any of us were expecting. I was definitely hoping it would be a bit of an easier job and it turned into a bit of a disaster. Yeah. Sure. Problem number two, the transfer. If this is a movie, there'd be a title card. This should be a movie. I don't understand how it's not. This is the shittiest Christmas imaginable. There we go. So picked up as much as I could. And I honestly probably made it worse. This poor plumber has to deal with that. But thinking about it now, like our whole house was just covered in shit anyways.

I don't think he probably would have been too offended by seeing one more. Yeah, yeah. In its respective area, like where it should be. Yeah, at least it was contained in the commode. The complex arranges for us to get in a hotel. It's amazing. You know, last second hotel Christmas Eve. Well, we get out there and it's only one room. It's a decent sized room, but it's one room and there are six of us. And we're probably already all kind of

smell like shit anyways. Oh my God. The shit families here. Oh my God. The shits have arrived. You guys walk in and I was like, ugh. But we were going to make it work. You know, we didn't want to ruin Christmas. We had all the presents in the car and we were going to make it work. You know, we didn't want to ruin Christmas. We had all the presents in the car and we were just about to move in. And then we got a call from the complex saying, hey, your house is fixed. You know, there's some holes in the wall, but we fixed everything. You're good to come back if you want. So we stopped at the store on the way back and got some industrial sanitizer.

And we spent the rest of Christmasmas eve having some quality family time cleaning and sanitizing and scrubbing and cleaning and sanitizing and scrubbing again flashbacks to the or for mom yeah yeah she just can't there was shit and then there was sterilizing fluids everywhere she probably was very much looking forward to avoiding that on christmas and we brought it to her so what if if the mom like midway through all this was like, I'm going to work the rest of the Christmas. I learned my lesson. The universe wants me to be helping. We got it so clean that the skin on my wife's feet were falling off because of all the disinfectants. And then the next day we just had an absolutely fabulous Christmas just made extra special by the events the day before.

Wow. Yeah. Very bonding to be through some, some trauma like that. Oh, well, Evan, this was,

uh, this was lovely. Right up my alley. Yeah. We haven't had the poop in a while, so that was good. We needed it. We did.

Yeah. Yeah. Nice poopy Christmas story. All right. Well, have fun out on the road. And if you feel indulgent, go to enchanted and get the burger. If you eat burgers, well, have fun out on the road. And if you feel indulgent, go to Enchanted and get the burger if you eat burgers.

Holy shit. Evening plans right there. It's so fucking good. There's brisket on it. Wait, is it called Enchanted? Enchanted. Enchantment? Enchantment.

Do you know the hotel we're talking about in Sedona? There's a really nice hotel in Sedona in its own little cave. Enchantment. Enchantment. All right, happy holidays. Thanks for telling us the story. You too. Ow.

I feel itchy because of the sweater. And because of that story. Do you want that tank top? Yeah. Hi. Hello. Yay. Hi. We can hear you so well. Oh, good. I'm glad. How are you? I'm good. How are you? It's so good to see you guys. Right back at you. Where are you at? I'm in Olympia, Washington. Yeah, you are. I really like your middle part. Oh, thank you. A fisherman always sees another fisherman at sea. I'm doing middle parts now. I love it.

With great feedback. It's all over the comments. People love how you look with the middle part. Yeah. Every third comment is about your middle part. I love your sweater. Thanks. Great colors.

It's a little itchy right now. She's just debating switching into something else. That's what you heard at the beginning. Yeah, tank top. But I do like the way it looks. Thank you. Okay, so you're in Olympia. And does your holiday story take place in Olympia? It does not. It is an actual holiday vacation. So we left for the holidays. Okay, wonderful. Let's hear it. Yes. Okay. So the vacation happened 2022. So last Christmas time. The story begins in 2021. My family doesn't take that many vacations.

We have a family business. So my dad doesn't take too much time off. So when he's got seven days at a time, he's like, I'm going to take the seven days. So we were scheduled 2021 to go to Puerto Vallarta. Me and my brother, my sister, my mom, my dad. Are you the middle? I'm the oldest. You're the oldest.

OK, so we waited too long to book where we're going to stay. And finally, we're like, OK, there's nowhere to go. So we'll just try and postpone it. So we postpone. My dad has to write a letter to the airline to get a new booking going. And so he's like, OK, we have to do another one next year. We have to schedule it between these dates. We plan a new trip to Cancun.

He does the whole nine yards. There's an infinity pool at this Airbnb we booked. We got a rental car. He booked us tours. He's on it. He's making up for the shit in the bed the previous year. Exactly. Yeah.

We are set to go Christmas Eve through New Year's Eve. So we wake up Christmas Eve and it's the day that the ice storm of Washington last year hit us. Oh no. There's two inches of just straight up ice all over Washington. Oh my God. In the news, people were sliding down hills. Cars were sliding all over the place. Oh, my God. People were ice skating. I remember these videos. Yeah, cars like just slowly sliding down a hill and ping-ponging into the parked cars. And the parked cars even started moving.

Yes, it was treacherous. But we're not thinking about that. We're like, we're going on vacation tonight. Infinity pool. Infinity pool. Exactly. Let's figure this out. It awaits. And we're going on vacation tonight. Infinity pool. Infinity pool. Exactly. Let's figure this out. It awaits.

And we're all excited. And then my mom and I are sitting around the table kind of getting ready. And she pulls out all our passports. And she's like, okay, let's check the dates. Let's just make sure we've got the correct ones, not any expired ones. We go through all of our current ones. And I open my sister's and I'm like, mom, her passport expired in May. And she was like, it did not. And I'm like mom her passport expired in May and she was like it did not and I was like yes it did full panic we're like this is not happening right now one

there's an ice storm and two there's full expired passport we can't go to Cancun oh my lord this sucks we gotta leave the little sister behind. Oh, really? Probably. On Christmas? This is a whole conversation. Yeah. Wow. Not on Christmas. I mean, utilitarian. Should everyone suffer because someone didn't look at their passport?

Yeah. Yes. Okay. I think for family. Let's see. Let's see how this unravels. We discussed leaving her behind and she's like, it's okay, guys. I'll go back.

Let me just say, if it were me, I would be like, absolutely don't stay. For sure. I would never allow that. But then you'd still have to stay. It's like you as the person. It's like we're in Japan all of a sudden. You as the person have to make everyone go, but then they have to stay. Right.

Okay. All right. Okay. That's the rules. That's the rules. Okay. So we decide no one gets left behind. We're like, okay, how can we still have a vacation?

My dad's like, I'm not staying here. That's for sure. I took this time off. He's a chiropractor. I'm a chiropractor. We have a family chiropractic business. And so we're like, okay, where can we go? My mom calls my aunt.

She has a house in Hawaii. So she was like, scrap the tickets, come to Hawaii, stay at my house. And we're like, okay, that's a good idea. Yeah, I would argue might be better than the original plan. And the dates are important. So we were supposed to be there Christmas Eve through New Year's Eve. So we re-read our tickets to Hawaii. We end up leaving the 28th and plan to come back the 2nd of January. On my birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday, Dax. Yeah. It's a great plan. We get there. It's wonderful.

Day one, my dad wakes up and he's like, I'm not feeling that great. Like, my stomach kind of hurts. Oh, no. Some people are not meant to travel. Like, how many red flags can you get? Literally. We go to the beach. We're hanging out.

It just kind of progressively gets worse. But we're still having a good time. We're chilling. Next day is his birthday. And he's like, I'm feeling kind of better. He goes cliff jumping, eats all the things. He's like, oh, I'm doing good. I think we're coming out. I got some weird bug or something. 12 hour bug. We carry on with our vacation. And that night, my mom wakes me up in the middle of the night and she's like, hey, dad's not doing well at all. And I was like, oh my gosh, what's going on? She's like, his stomach got worse. And he's like self-diagnosing himself this whole time. Of course.

That's just part of his job. He's like, it kind of feels like a kidney stone, but it also kind of feels like appendicitis. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Me too. My mom's like, you got to pick one, buddy, because you don't have both. I'm the only one who gets in the middle of the night and she's like, OK, I'm going to take him to the ER. You tell us where to go. And I'm just like, this is a lot of pressure. I don't know where you should go. So I'm like Googling. I routed them to the major hospital. It was 20 minutes away and they start going. And then I'm like looking at this other one and this other one kept popping up and halfway through their

drive. I'm like, go to this one instead. It's closer. And it has like 4.5 star reviews, which I feel like is unheard of for a hospital. Most of them have kind of lower reviews because they're big institutions. Yeah. No one likes it. They get there at four. He gets checked in at 430 and seen by a doctor. And he says the same thing to her. He's like, I kind of feel like it's a kidney stone, but I also feel like it's appendicitis. And she's also like, you got to pick one. We don't know. We'll have to figure it out.

They do all the diagnostics and she pops her head around the corner and she's like, you have both. Wow. No way. Oh, congratulations. He did a good job with his body. Dual diagnosis, they call it in psychology. Wow. Ooh, appendicitis and a kidney stone?

Fuck that. He needs to be on all of the fentanyl at that point. My God. Wow. An absolute disaster. So he has to get emergency surgery in Hawaii on our family vacation. But he gets it at 10 and he's home by 1 and he's on the beach the next day. Oh, what a trooper.

I really relate to this guy. But did he pass the stone? Yes, he passed the stone as well. While he was in the hospital? Yeah. This guy's efficient from first pain to done with everything, 36 hours, and he had appendicitis and a kidney And he cliff jumped in the middle. Yes, what a beast.

Oh my God, thank God nothing happened during the cliff jump because it could have exploded. Or the stone could have popped out. Well, that would be good. Popped through, yeah. Right when he hit the water, he was like, ah, ooh, relief. What if it all happened? The appendix exploded. And then it burst.

Bursted. So it was a mix of relief and new pain. Oh my God. Sorry, we all happened? The appendix exploded. And then it burst. It burst. So it was a mix of relief and new pain. Oh, my God. Sorry, we're late in the day here. I love it. He was back on the beach, though, the next day? He was back on the beach the next day. We ended up having a really great time.

But then we made the connection, though, that had we originally gone to Mexico. Yes. The dates that we were there, we would have been leaving the day that he had to get surgery and or been on the plane. So this whole thing was... Meant to be.

Yeah. Or in a Cancun emergency room. Or on a plane trying to land. So it's a mix of terrible luck and great luck. Exactly. We get back and obviously everybody's like, how was your trip? Who hadn't even heard that we ended up in Hawaii.

And we told them the whole story and they were just like, what happened? Like, how did this happen? And then my mom wanted me to bring this and show you guys. Somebody brought him a mug that says, I'm too sexy for my appendix. Oh, that's great. It's incredible they make mugs like that, right? There's so many people have gone through exactly wow what if the mug actually said so sorry about your appendix and your kidney tone on vacation merry christmas and it was on the shelf at meyer and walmart

wow that was great oh olivia you guys made it we made it what are you doing this year are you gonna stay home are you gonna go somewhere? Are you going to stay home? Are you going to go somewhere? Are you going to go back to Hawaii? We are not going anywhere. Yeah. Good move. Everyone just lay low.

Stay close. Work right through the holiday. Well, merry holidays to you. And I hope this one's much easier, but still fun and connected. You guys too. Thank you. All right. Bye-bye.

I hate waving now. You took it from me. I know, it's really weird You stole it I'm a brush I'm like Orna I don't brush my hair And you're giving therapy of sorts Yeah, I'm trying

What if we got to talk to somebody real time They were on their trip That'd be cool On their holiday trip And it was going terribly That'd be great Pretty bummed Evan didn't show us his arrows. Cora's here.

Ah, Cora Cables. Coral Gables. Have you been to Coral Gables, Monica? Florida? I don't think so. You guys went to Florida a lot, right? We did. Yeah, for Disney World.

I mean, maybe we did go there, but I don't know. I don't remember. We went to Clearwater. I have a t-shirt. Oh. Hi. Hi. Hello, how are you? Cora is such a fun name. Thank you. Growing up, it was just like an old lady name, and now it's become really popular. These names, they circle back around. Where are you from, Cora? So I'm from Washington State. I'm like 30 minutes North of Portland right now. We're actually in Medford. Okay. So you have a crazy holiday story. Yeah. So preface, I will say that I'm the oldest of six kids. Whoa. I grew up Mormon and it was never like a, Oh, we have to have as many kids as possible, But just how it turned out, I had six kids. I was the oldest. And this would have been Christmas in 2005. Okay. Okay. 18 years ago. Yeah. My dad has

one brother and he works for Boeing in Seattle, but they live in Maple Valley area. So every other Christmas we would kind of flip flop of like going up there, visit, they'd come back. So that year we went up there and I had one cousin. I was the oldest. I'm also one of the only girls. I've got one little sister, but she's way younger. And so I would stay with my female cousin the whole time. We just have her room to ourselves. It was great. That year she had like a super tall bunk bed, unreasonably tall. And it was like one of those where you have like the office underneath. And was it official? Had it been bought as a kit or did dad fabricate this whole thing and make it too high?

He would have, but I didn't buy it as a kit. It was one of those that it came with like a desk. Oh, I love it. Yeah. But she also had a ceiling fan and it overlapped the bottom corner of this bunk bed. And so to bypass any issues, my uncle had just decided he was going to duct tape the switch down. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It's just a little bit of a collapse. It is Big Mac. McDonald's Big Mac. It's our day. Yes. This is a holiday as well.

Yeah. So just to get away from everything, I decided I was going to go into the bedroom. I was going to climb up in the bed and I was going to read. That year it was Harry Potter. Oh, yeah. The sixth one had just come out that year. I reread all of them all the time. Now I re-listen to them all

the time. Best narrator in the history of books. 100%. Impossibly good. Better than any acting performance I've ever seen in a movie. I have an 18 month old and he, unbeknownst to him, has been listening to that. And you guys, his entire life. Oh, great. He'll believe in magic and addiction. He hears Jim Dale and Dax. So I would go up there, I read a little bit, and then I fell asleep. I don't remember falling asleep. Next thing I know, I wake up. And when you wake up, you don't lay down and assess the situation first.

You just get up. Yes. And so I get up and all of a sudden just blinding light. I don't remember any pain, but I remember just a flash of white and the black. Next thing I know, I'm like climbing down from this ladder. There's blood everywhere. Oh my Lord. Merry Christmas.

Yeah, it's very festive. So blood everywhere. I don't remember pain though. I'm sure I've locked it out. You're in shock. I get out and my mom and my aunt were there. My dad and my uncle had gone to the Seahawks game that day. So they were gone.

My mom's a nurse. This is definitely not the worst physical thing that has happened to any of our siblings. There's a long line. When you have six, shit's happening every couple hours. Definitely top three, but it's not the most traumatic one. Yeah. My mom is very calm, cool headed. You know, she's just like, okay, we just have to go to urgent care.

We'll get it figured out, put something on, stop the bleeding. And I'm freaking out because I think doctors, I think they're going to give me stitches. And at the time I was absolutely terrified of needles, terrified. And I was 10 at the time, I was absolutely terrified of needles. Terrified. And I was 10 at the time. So I'm old enough to feel like I have my own say. And I was very, very stubborn as a child. Good for you. I let them drive me to urgent care, but I refused to go in. They dragged me in. Eventually they go to call me back. And according to my mother, I turned into basically a wild animal. And I was point blank refusing, kicking, screaming, lunging.

Thrashing about. My poor mother. I know. She's like, I don't know what to do. She's too old for me to sit on her. I can't move her physically. And my mom is like 5'1", very small woman. There's no way.

Just a sidebar. This is a tricky age because my oldest is this age. And you're right. She's too young to treat like a child in public. Like I can just pick her up and drag her to the car. She's adult enough. But then also she sometimes acts like a 10-year-old. Right.

So yeah, it's tricky time. Yeah. So I feel so bad for her. I put her through so much. And my aunt was just like, oh, this isn't my deal. So they end up taking me back to the house. They give up. What?

They give up. A little while later, my dad shows up with my uncle. Being Mormon, my parents didn't drink growing up, which I'm thankful for. We had our own issues. So I think alcohol would have added. Yeah, yeah. So I never really saw a lot of that. But my uncle, he was very drunk after the

game. Is it your dad's brother or his brother-in-law? My dad's brother. I guess I didn't tell you where on my face. So it had cut right above my lip and it looked like it had gone all the way through. And I don't know, you probably can't see it. Like a Joker smile? No, that would have been in the corners. This was above. Maybe like an inch long cut right above my upper lip. It looked like it had gone all the way through. So there was a hole in my face. And my dad had recently had a coworker whose daughter had gotten kicked in the face by a horse.

Oh my God. And she had like nerve damage, scarring. So my dad sees my face and just like loses it. He was like terrified. And he was mad at my mother because he was like, well, why didn't you just force it? And my mom's like, what do you want me to do? Dark gunner. Yeah. So my dad is like, screw this, we're going. So he decides they're going to go back. Well, my aunt doesn't want to leave my younger cousins and everything again. So my mom comes with my dad and my uncle because this is before Google Maps.

They didn't know how to get there. My mom couldn't remember. So my drunk uncle is going to be the navigator. Perfect. Perfect. Dad's driving. My mom's in the back and my uncle is up front. And I just hear multiple times.

Did we miss the turn? Oh, yeah. you guys missed it. He's out for a joyride. He doesn't care where they're going. He doesn't know where everything's at. He's just like, oh yeah, that was it. Whatever. Drinking's so weird.

Adults just start acting like fucking dum-dums. It's true. Yeah, and you're a kid. You're like, what is happening? As an adult, I've gotten drunk with him now. He's a very fun drunk. Yeah, sounds like it. It does.

When you need him in a serious situation, it's not the person you go to. So we finally get there. And my dad is just like, look, Cora, you have to do this. We can't mess around. You need to get this fixed. His last ditch effort, I'll give you 50 bucks. Okay. Which I accepted.

Good. So I was like, okay, cool. I can do that. I can be strong. And at this point I was also like, I really don't want a massive hole in my face. And the guy looks at me and he goes, you know, I think we can just glue it. I'm so grateful because I'm like, oh, thank God. No stitches. He said there was like the tiniest bit of skin still holding my lip together. And he said if it had gone completely all the way through, we wouldn't be able to glue it.

But because there's a little bit of skin, we can just glue the outside and see how it does. So he goes to glue it, and his glove gets stuck to my lip. He finishes, and he goes to pull his hand away, and his hand comes out of the glove, and the glove just stuck to my face. Was he at the Seahawks game too? Probably.

He has to rip it off. The glue comes off with it and he has to do it again. So that was fun. In the end, I just had a ton of glue on my face. We get back to the house. We have Christmas. I don't really eat anything, I don't think because my lip was just super weird. And then I remember on Sunday, we had gotten back to our house and my mom tried to make

me go to church on Sunday. Of course. I looked like Burt Simpson. So swollen. Is it just that the ceiling fan was in a position and you woke up and just slammed your mouth into the ceiling fan? It wasn't spinning, was it? The corner of the bed was overlapped by the ceiling fan by a good foot.

I had just been in the perfect position. And to be fair, it was duct taped down. I didn't expect it to turn on. And it was my second brother. So he's the middle child. He's seven at the time. And he said, I just wanted to see it on. So it was on.

Oh, so it was on. Yeah. He unduct taped it. He turned it on and then just left. And he was like, cool, ceiling fan. Success. I have powers. It still works.

Cool. This sounds like the Home Alone house. It does sound like the Home Alone house. Which sounds fun. Yeah. Do you still get together as adults? We try to get together as much as we can. Growing up, I didn't enjoy having as many siblings,

but now that I'm an adult, it's definitely nice. Yeah, the chaos is fun. Yeah, it can be really, really fun. And before we go, I do want to say, I started listening to you guys right after I had my son about 18 months ago, and I just started binge listening. My fiance had to go back to work.

I was by myself. Unbeknownst to you, you were there for me during probably the hardest time I've ever had. And thank you for that. And also, Dax, I would not have gotten into F1

if not for you. And this Vegas race was the first one I watched live. Oh, yeah. And it was a hellbiter. Yes. Well, Cora, it was a ale-biter. Yes. Well, Cora, it's so nice to meet you and to hear that story. And I hope you hold that over your seven-year-old brother's head nonstop.

Oh, I do. Okay. We have plenty of other things that I can hold over his head, but that's definitely the top one. It's in the list. All right. Well, it's so nice meeting you. And it's really lovely to hear that we were around for all that.

Thank you, guys. Have a great one. Yeah, Merry Christmas to you. And it's really lovely to hear that we were around for all that. Thank you, guys. Have a great one. Yeah. Merry Christmas to you. Yeah. Merry Christmas. Take care. Bye.

Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Tis the season. Happy holidays. I had to move an armoire yesterday to make room for my tree. I thought you were going to say you had to move an armoire to make room for your armoire. Well, probably. So you have your tree up? Not yet. Saturday. Oh, just you were going to say you had to move an armoire to make room for your armoire. Well, probably. So you have your tree up?

Not yet. Oh, just you were cleaning out. Yeah. Making space. Oh, fun. I know. I know it's here. I'm mixed with when I was journaling this morning, I looked at the date, I was like, oh, it's already here. I know. I kind of got a little panicked. Because, you know, as soon as T-Day hits, it's just a mad dash to Christmas. I know.

I need everything to slow down. It's fast. It's moving. Coming hot and fast. Well, I love you. That was fun. I love you. Happy holidays.

Filled me with holiday cheer. It did fill me with holiday cheer. Me too. Yeah. All right. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something?

We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, I rhyme dish. On the fly, I rhyme dish. Enjoy.