Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Internship

Episode Date: September 6, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an internship disaster.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepard, I'm joined by Monica Padman. The intern of all interns. Internship debacles, disasters.

Tell us about a time you had a bad internship. You never had one. I never had one. You had many we found out. Yeah, you'll hear about some of my- I did a lot of interning. I did and actually it was really hard for me to get an internship.

I interviewed for many. Really? Yes. I don't feel like you should have to interview for an, it interviewed for many. Really? Yes. I don't feel like you should have to interview for an interview. It's free labor. Same. I know, that's why it's extra demoralizing when you don't get it. We got pitched an incredibly capable person. I know.

Did you read her thing? It's so impressive. Yeah, it was forwarded to us from Adam Grant. Yes, and this person's so overqualified. And my first thought was like, A, we don't deserve you. B, I'm not sure what you would do here. We enjoy doing way too much. Yeah, and we'd have to hire her to do like a legit,

we could never not pay someone. Exactly, I was like, there's no way I could have this person provide these services and just be like, yeah, and that's for free. I know, I think the whole system is flawed. There are paid internships, which I think is what I was trying to get, but I think I ended up going for unpaid,

but with perks as you'll hear about. Well, and the reason I think it's tricky is no one's trying to intern at a low paying job where they couldn't afford it. Like they're trying, they're interning at law offices, armchair experts, like the places could pay you. Right, exactly. They're not really low margin.

You're not interning bagging groceries at a grocery store where the margin's 3%. Yes, that's true. So, yeah. It's unethical, whatever, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I think it's, I think you're a piece of shit if you have interns and you don't pay them. Taking a huge stand, but also we think it's great

if you wanna be an intern and you go and you are an intern and you learn something. Yeah, no, it's not the insurance issue. It's good for you. It's just we think people should pay you. Probably if you have a good enough job that people wanna intern at, maybe you should pay them.

But that's what I was applying and applying and couldn't get one. Wouldn't take you for free. No, I think those must have been paid. You want a little cash each. You know, there was a very coveted internship at a huge brand, can you guess it, in Atlanta? Coca-Cola.

Correct. Yeah. An internship at Coke. Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola in Atlanta was prime. And it was hot, and I think there were two available for public relations or marketing or whatever. And I was trying to get one so bad, they didn't want me.

Would you have loved to have worked at Coca-Cola? I was in it for the prestige. Yeah, which if you're out of Atlanta, sounds a little funny, but it is a company town. It's like we're gonna GM in Detroit, but you might not think like, I'm dying to intern at GM. It's like Google.

It would be like working at Google, but also cautionary tale blessing in disguise meet Q. I- Liberal arts education? I think that's in the mix, intern out of college. Hellenic studies. Hellenic studies, the classics. It all worked out because I didn't need

to do an internship in PR, but you know what, I did need to do an internship at this movie company that I did get. Yes. And I'm at Rainn Wilson. Yeah, you did a lot of fun stuff. I did fun stuff, and it really was the right, it works out.

If you have the added cherry on top of meeting celebs, that's worth it. Then I think you don't have to pay those people. I would have worked for free for sure to meet Nicholas Cage. I know, but we, but. That's worth more than a paycheck. No, you should still be paid. People are just people.

We're back. The end. Okay. Please enjoy internship stories. We are supported by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. We, of course, have our website built by Squarespace, by Wobby Wob.

He found it very easy and intuitive. You've heard us talk before how we actually host our own website on Squarespace and we're so happy with it. Rob did a beautiful job. He used the templates. It was easy, fast, and its functionality is off the charts. Whether you're an entrepreneur looking to set up a site for your business or you've got a passion project that's ready to reach the masses, Squarespace makes it easy for you to get your perfect website up and running. And if you're selling on your website, Squarespace makes it easy for you to get your perfect website up and running. And if you're selling on your website, Squarespace also makes checkout seamless for your customers

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and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you, it's too good and I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest, okay? Every episode, I bring on a friend. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on. So follow, watch, and listen to Baby.

This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts. ["Good Times"] Hard times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both But one thing, you gotta know I'ma keep on shining

Hello! Hello! We can hear you beautifully! Oh my god. Oh god, I'm so glad! I tried to follow the instructions. Look at this closet! This is huge! Oh my God. Oh God, I'm so glad I tried to follow the instructions. Look at this closet. This is huge. It's a beautiful closet and you appear to have a desk in your closet.

I've cheated a little. Our house is so small. My office is turned closet, so I hope it works. You can't stand in our other closet. I see what's happened. So you've taken over the wall behind your desk with a beautiful array of armoires. No. Built-ins.

Yeah, built-ins. Yeah. That's brilliant. Sarah, where are you? I'm in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Oh, what a wonderful place to be, especially this time of year. Are you a lake person?

Oh yeah, we just got back from the lake yesterday. Was it dreamy? It was. It was the first time my entire family has ever been together, because we live all over the world. So it's pretty exciting. Okay, so right out of the gates,

I'm gonna tell you that if you came in to apply for an internship, I'm in. Yeah, me too. You look very intern-friendly. Professional woman. With a nice smile. Trustworthy. Friendly, trusted brand.

Yeah. That's very nice. I have done my fair share of internships. Hopefully that's passed me now though. Unless you get to like intern, I don't know, Brad Pitt. Something that's like, oh fuck it, I guess it's worth the. I'd probably intern for you guys.

Oh, that's flattering. Okay, so please tell us about your internship experience or the one that's worthy of an anonymous story. My internship actually took place in the British Virgin Islands. It was after my freshman year of college and I had dreams of working in the scuba diving industry. So I did a little Google search and I found a summer camp

where they would take kids out on these giant catamaran boats with a kitchen and multiple rooms and we would teach them how to scuba dive. So the interns were kind of there to be camp counselors and learn the scuba industry. Had you already been certified as a scuba diver? Yeah, Landlock, Minnesota, I learned to scuba dive when I was in high school, in the pool of our high school. And then we ended up going to Roatan Honduras to do like the rest of our certification. Oh, cool. Wow.

I get down there and it is important to note I wasn't as well traveled as I am now. So I'm going to make some very clear mistakes along the way. I have learned from them, but I get down there not knowing anybody in the organization, anyone who's gone to the camp. I paid a lot of money and I was gonna be there for six weeks and I would also become a scuba dive master so I could lead dives was like kind of what I would get in return and experience. We fly in, it's called Beef Island in the BBI.

Ooh, if I was a single lady, I'd be straight to Beef Island. Sounds like you would wanna go now to Beef Island. I'd wanna be one of the objects Beaf Island. Sounds like you would want to go now to Beaf Island. I'd want to be one of the objects at Beaf Island. So I arrived and I meet everybody and instantly I realized that I should have done a little more research. Their teaching method was all based on fear. Oh. From the moment you got there, there was a lot of yelling. The expectation was, don't you ever sit still, always be working. And so I was like, okay, I'm going to do this.

And we're in port for a couple of days. And the first day, I remember being so scared of the leader. He was like six, seven, huge beard, probably 300 pounds. And I didn't know what I was doing. It was my first day. So I would go and hide in the bathroom. So they couldn't tell that I wasn't working hard or that I had paused working.

And I remember just sitting there being like, how am I gonna do this for six weeks? Like I can't even ask questions because I'm gonna get yelled at. The organization or the outfit that was providing this, they were Americans running this business down in the British Virgin Islands. Yep, all the staff and the owners. And the guests, they were Americans running this business down in the British Virgin Islands. Yep. All the staff and the owners.

And the guests, they're all kids from the States generally. Yeah, I would guess they would accept any sort of camper, but it was from my recollection, majority kids from the U S. So we were leaving port and I knew we wouldn't be back for three weeks. So I was going to be stuck on this boat. I didn't have a cell phone. I was traveling with one debit card. We leave port and I'm still getting taught how to do things on the boat. But that teaching would be do it and I would do it. And then they'd yell, that's a great way to lose your effing hand. And I'd be like, Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, wow. As I know now, when you're in fear

based learning, your brain just kind of like shuts down. So I'm not sure how anybody learns anything. And at this point, I'd been on the boat for maybe five days, and I just knew this wasn't for me. But I had no way to contact anybody, no cell service, nothing. And I actually submitted a small portion of the story. It's a twofer because I also lived out my greatest fear. This is the part that I had shared before. And I'm sorry, Monica, I don't think you're going to like this part. Uh-oh.

This is vaginal. No water. Ocean. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Sorry. Close though. Almost. I love vaginal. Well, the woman who split her vagina open. Oh, everyone hated that. That was awful. Yep.

That was terrible. I'm at the point where I'm not talking to anybody, don't know how to contact anybody, don't know what to do. And they tell us the night before this happens that we haven't been working hard enough. We've been too slow in the morning waking up. So they've decided to help us wake up in the morning. All the interns are gonna swim around all of the catamarans.

Oh. This is like bootcamp. Yeah. Are you going into port or when you leave for three weeks, you guys are on that boat at sea for three weeks. Correct. We definitely never went back to like beef islands. Sometimes we'd stop at small islands to get food,

but we weren't getting off the boat. Like dong island and balls Island, Coxville. islands. Sometimes we'd stop at small islands to get food, but we weren't getting off the boat. Like Dong Island and Balls Island, Coxville. Okay. So yeah, we were told we would have to swim around the catamarans. I'm not going to judging distances, but it was four boats. Like this is multiple lengths of a swimming pool that we need to swim. It's not like a tiny little loop. So people make fun of me, but my biggest fear is sharks.

Yes, I've gone diving with sharks, but it's very different to be with them on the bottom of the ocean than like where they feed at the surface of the ocean. Sure, sure. I know a lot about sharks and they feed at dusk and dawn. And so we're doing this at dawn. We all jump into the water

and I had my first and only panic attack. Everybody left me swimming away to complete our task, to not get yelled at. And I'm trying to not drown in the dark as shark bait. And so I climb into a tiny little dinghy that's attached to one of the catamarans, finish my panic attack, and then continue to swim around the rest of the boats. Oh, yeah.

Are the other cadets liking this lifestyle? Are you guys commiserating about this? They had all been campers and so maybe had seen the internship and saw it almost as a rite of passage. Oh, yeah. So they did do it. I won't kind of complain, but there's more grumbles than like an uproar. Gotcha. And so at that point I get back to the boat and I'm like, I'm done. I can't do this. There's

like maybe seven liters. I approached one of them and I basically said that. And I was like, happy to be a camper for a couple weeks. I'll leave at the three week mark, keep all my money like I don't care. And then they called a meeting on a boat. They drove me out a little dingy away from everybody. And I was warned if that happened, it means that they're going to scream at you. So I get onto a different catamaran really far away. and all the leaders are there and they basically say, you're done. We're dropping you off at the next island we find. And they did. And they did. True to their word.

Yep. Same day, no cell service. They leave me at the closest island. We had to pack in almost duffel bags, like in the military, like soft sided bags. And I just still have this vision of the bag flying off the catamaran and like landing next to me. And then they just drove away. What an outfit. So illegal. It sure did feel illegal.

I think I was a little disassociated at that point. Yeah. I was surprised they didn't code read you while you were sleeping. You know, they do in the military, like beater was pillowcases full of soap. What's cool though is you kind of are the only person who can answer that if you're stranded on a deserted island. What book would you want? What would you bring?

Yeah. Yeah. What's your one item? You lived that. Also, it's quite a bit of self-assuredness to go against that much group thing, to go like, you know what, fuck this, you would do this. Yeah, I would, but I would be horrified if I got dropped off. I would be fucked, yeah.

I'm not getting off. Oh wow, okay. I'm not getting off. I'm not working and I'm not getting off. Yeah, and fuck you and I'm gonna sue you when we get back. I am actually an attorney now, and I wish that I would have sued them. Yeah, right? I went to like a little, for lack of a better word, shack actually an attorney now and I wish that I would have. Yeah. Right. I went to like a little, for lack of a better word, shack that was on the

Island, tried to communicate the best I could that I needed to get to beef Island. I'll take you to beef Island, hon. It's only three short steps away. At least I would have had shelter at that point. You go, I need to get to Beef Island, and he goes, well, I was looking to get to Tuna Town, so. Ew, what? That's from grumpier old men. Oh, okay. And Sarah's laughing.

Okay, but okay. Okay, are there a bunch of little satellite islands around the main island of the British Virgin Islands? These aren't islands I would have heard of or you would stop at on a cruise or anything, right? Correct. Maybe a few people lived on the island that I was on and we did all have passports.

So we would go between the US and the British Virgin Islands, but I'm pretty confident I was on a British Virgin Island at that point, no idea of the name. I communicated I needed a ferry. They got me again, an equivalent of a dinghy with seven men who were being ferried to another island to then go on the main ferry to Befeilham. And I got on, had no other option. And I remember sitting there after I got on and being like, this was a mistake. I'm going to be the next taken. What am I doing? No one even knows I'm on this

island. This is not an official ferry, it's just a boat. I truly prayed to a God that I didn't believe in at that point to be like, get me out of this. And I clearly survived. They were amazing humans and nothing happened. And they brought me to a bigger Island to then get more of like a state sanctioned ferry where there might be a manifest or some record of passage. Yes. With life jackets and a captain qualified captain. Yeah.

Yeah. What's up guys, it's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season and let me tell you it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest. OK, every episode I bring on a friend and have a real conversation. And I mean just friends. I mean the likes of Amy Poehler, Kel Mitchell, Vivica Fox, the list goes on. So follow, watch, and listen to Baby. This is Kiki Palmer on the Wondery app, or wherever you get your podcasts.

We've all been there, turning to the internet to self-diagnose our inexplicable pains, debilitating body aches, sudden fevers, and strange rashes. Though our minds tend to spiral to worst-case scenarios, it's usually nothing, but for an unlucky few, these unsuspecting symptoms can start the clock ticking on a terrifying medical mystery. Like the unexplainable death of a retired firefighter, whose body was found at home by his son, except it looked like he had been cremated. Or the time when an entire town started jumping from buildings and seeing tigers on their ceilings. Hey, listeners, it's Mr. Bollin here, and I'm here to tell you about my podcast.

It's called Mr. Bollin's Medical Mysteries. Each terrifying true story will be sure to keep you up at night. Follow Mr. Bollin's Medical Mysteries wherever you get your podcasts. Prime members can listen early and ad free on Amazon Music. I do get to the main island and I go to the counter and I need a day of ticket to Minnesota from the British Virgin Islands and I think it was like $1,500. Oh my god. I probably had $500 on my debit card.

There's no way that sucker was going through. And luckily I was able to call my parents, explain everything that happened. They're full on panicking and they booked me a ticket and I flew to Puerto Rico and I got to Puerto Rico and there was a tropical storm. So my flight was canceled. So I'm now in Puerto Rico at least out of the BVI, which I'll never go back. And I go up to the counter thinking like, cool, where's my hotel? And because it was canceled from weather, they didn't have to provide a hotel. Force majeure. I don't like that part. So I of course start crying because I have a debit card with $500

on it that's going to be declined. And this nice gentleman next to me paid for my hotel room. Okay, good. Oh, because I think it must have been like the middle of the night in Minnesota. Like I couldn't get a contact with my parents at that point. Then I get to my hotel and I tell my mom what happened and she's panicking because she's like, well, now this random guy knows you're alone in your hotel room and what hotel you're at. So then I like barricade my door and I don't sleep. Then I get to JFK. Something was delayed at JFK. By the time I got home, it had been about four days.

I think I was only on the boat for five days. Oh, man. This is a real disaster. That was a disaster. Textbook disaster right there. But you made it and now you're a lawyer, which is very prestigious. Still scuba? It did not hinder my scuba love.

I even worked in the industry a little bit and I went diving within the last few months. Oh, wonderful. What kind of lawyer are you? I am a defense attorney and I represent people being evicted. So I helped them stabilize their housing. I'm sorry. That sounds like a real shit intern.

It doesn't really even sound like an internship. Yeah, they pretended it was an internship. But it was really bootcamp. Suing. Did you like give a review or anything? Is there any way you could warn people? I guess not. What are you gonna do?

I did report them to the better business bureau. Oh, good. Sure. So lawyerly. Yeah. This was pre-law days, so maybe I was always destined to be an attorney. When you get scuba certified, there are international organizations that you get certified under. And so the organization that covered this camp that all the kids were in their certification under, I emailed everybody at that company to tell them, this isn't safe.

This is what they're doing. People are in danger. And I got sent a cease and desist from the company. Oh wow. They took legal action. Well, now as an attorney, I'm like, that's kind of blowing smoke. Yeah. We've gotten one of those, a couple of those actually.

Yeah. At the time I was like, Oh my God. Okay. I'll never talk about it again. And now I'm like, whatever. I'm going to send my kids there. What if that's what I learned from this? I'm going to say, I want a great place to send the girls. I mean the campers I think have a great time. Yeah, probably they're watching these cadets get run ragged,

swimming around the boats and hazed. Oh, well, Sarah, thank you so much. It was delightful to meet you. Yeah. And I did just want to tell you guys, having such a heavy job and a heavy world, you guys just bring a lot of joy and levity and compassion to everyone you talk to. And I really think that the key to how we're going to fix this world and just really appreciate you guys. And you've now become divorce worthy with me and my fiance if I ever listen to an episode without him.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. That's so sweet. Yeah, it sounds like you got a great guy. Yeah, I love him. Yeah, he sounds like a genius. He's had up all my technology, so shout out to Eric for that. Well, thank you.

Yeah, thank you so much. Yeah, we appreciate it. All right, well take care. Have a great rest of your day. All right, bye. Bye. Hello, thank you so much. Yeah, we appreciate it. All right, well take care. Have a great rest of your day. All right, bye. Bye. Hello, how are you? Good, how are you?

What is your dream fake name? I don't have one, that's a terrible answer. What's your favorite character on television? Woman, female, if you want, or it can be male. Tony Soprano? Tommy Shelby, Peaky Blinders. Oh, Shelby. Shelby, Shelby, Shelby it is. Shelby, that's a great one, there you go. Yes, Shelby, Shelby, Shelby it is.

Shelby, that's a great one. There you go. Yes, oh, we love Thomas Shelby too. What a heartthrob, huh? I know, I know. Okay, so Shelby, you have an internship horror story, I guess. I do.

So I went to school in the South. I was in my senior year and I was getting a bachelor's degree in criminal justice. Ooh. I played sports, so I was in my senior year and I was getting a bachelor's degree in criminal justice. Ooh. I played sports, so I was really focused on sports, not so focused on, hey, you have to do something with your life when you leave. But I got to my senior year and I had no idea what I wanted to do when I left college. So I said, well, I'll do an internship. I signed up for this internship. It's 12 weeks long. I worked for a sheriff's department.

Oh, wow. In a very small town because I didn't know what I wanted to do. I spent a few weeks with each different division within this department. So I did a few weeks with patrol units where I just rode around with police officers. I spent some time with a victims advocate. I spent some time with the victim's advocate. I spent some time at the solicitor's office. Pretty much anything and everything, they let me just observe. This sounds very philanthropic of them. It's not like they needed someone to handle the filing, and that's what you were stuck doing. It sounds like they let you have a say in what you were going to participate in. Yes. Although, participate, I would use that loosely. I was just basically

Yes. Although I'll participate. I would use that loosely. I was just basically existing. So about the fourth weekend, I was with a detective who was doing violent crimes. I checked in with him for that day and he said, today we're going to go to this autopsy for this man who had been killed earlier in the week. Really quick, this is a small town, but it sounds like they have a lot of departments and there's a homicide happening in this town? There's a homicide. There was all kinds of crazy. I mean, I could have told you so many stories for this prompt with this internship.

Wow. Okay, wow. So he said, we're going to do this autopsy for this guy that had been killed by his partner. It was like a domestic thing. So I wasn't super nervous about it. I had already seen some pretty gnarly stuff. We get to the hospital and we go to the basement where the morgue is and we're walking down the hallway and we get to the

doors and it's just me and this male detective. He pulls something out of his pocket and he says, I want you to put this in your nose holes because it's going to smell really nasty in there. Yeah. Yeah. This is my expectation. Yep. He looks at me and he goes, don't puke. He's like, you don't want to be the intern that pukes in this room. This is business. Sounds like he's been there before.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It very much was like, don't embarrass me. Don't do what I'm pretty sure you're going to do. Well, then I started to get nervous. I'm like, I don't want to be the intern that pukes. I don't even want to be noticed. I'm already a northerner, a female, and a college kid.

We walk into the room. It's a square room. There's probably about six to seven different men in there. It's all men. I stand to the right-hand side. There's a wall there. At that point, I'm like, it's all men. I stand to the right-hand side, there's a wall there. At that point, I'm like, breathe through your mouth. Do not breathe in through your mouth. The victim is in the center of this room

and he's on a metal table. He's a really large man, probably like in his late 50s. Immediately I'm like, oh, he's naked, that's weird. I resisted asking you if he was naked like six minutes ago. I'm like, they're naked, right? In the movies, they're naked. Yeah, they have to be because they're gonna... Yeah, they're gonna do some cutting.

Obviously, I didn't think he would be like in a three-piece suit laying on that table, but I thought maybe they'd have a sheet in the movies. There's a white sheet. They pull the sheet back. It's all very dramatic. That's because of the R rating. There you go. So I am just looking at the bullet holes.

I'm kind of doing like a head to toe scan. Okay, his chest, I can see a couple cleaned up holes there and there's his stomach and there's his penis and there's his thighs and then I'm like, wait, what? And I scan back and there's no penis. Oh, there's no, there's no penis. Oh, he chopped it off. I was hoping for an erection, but it's opposite.

I don't know that that would be better. Well, it'd be more comedic. Oh, he chopped it off. I was hoping for an erection, but it's the opposite. I don't know that that would be better. Well, it'd be more comedic. Well, I don't know. Chopped off penis is pretty funny. Okay. You must not have a penis. I feel like if he told me that she cut his penis off,

I would have remembered that very specific detail. I'm really thinking about it. So then I'm thinking like, maybe it got mangled somehow. And I'm like, everything else around it looks pretty normal there's no other holes or anything so I take a step closer I see the pubic hair there's testicles no oh my god it's a Ken doll yeah oh I'm intrigued I take another step forward and so by this point I'm probably two three feet from the sky's body really getting in there yeah I'm invisible'm invisible. All the while, there's chatter, right?

Everybody's talking about what's about to happen. I'm hunched over this man and I pop my eyes up for a second, and I see this doctor who's about to perform the autopsy, and he's staring at me. I look to the other side at the officers that were standing in the corner, and they're staring at me. Then I notice in the corner and they're staring at me. Then I noticed that everybody in the room is staring at me,

and they're all laughing so hard. Then the detective that I had come with, he says, are they not like that up north? Oh my God. I was like, what? He's like, penises. You never seen a penis that small up North. And then everybody in the room starts laughing.

And I was like, oh my God, they've all been watching me creep towards this dead guy staring at his penis. Yes, you've been busted. And so it was there, but it was just so small. You couldn't see it from your vantage point. Yeah, thankfully the doctors, like, once the blood has gone from the body,

it basically can retract up. Obviously this man wasn't very well endowed to begin with. So it had essentially like went up almost inside the body. So it really basically wasn't there. This whole time I'm thinking, don't be the intern that throws up. And instead I'm like, don't be the intern that's staring at a dead man's penis in a room full of men.

Like, what are we doing? They hadn't even started the autopsy yet. So I had another two hours in that room just full of dick jokes. And oh boy, you know, about six more weeks in that very small sheriff's department. Normally you do an internship hoping to like get a job out of it. And I'm like, well, that's definitely not happening. I am not gonna be the girl that's obsessed

with dead people's genitalia. Oh boy. So did you go into law enforcement? I did not. I really thought I wanted to. And then I had kids. I was like, yeah, I can't see this stuff all day, every day. So I went very safe, and I went into corporate law.

No retreating penises in that line of work. No retreating penises. That's interesting to know about the dead penis. I know. It crawls back up. What's sad for me is like, I wanna know if that happens to mine, but I can't. You'll never know.

I'll never know. Then I felt bad for the guy. I'm like, now you've gotten dragged into this. You've already had a rough ending. Yeah, untimely death from your lover. Well, Shelby, what a bizarre internship. I love that. Thank you so much.

I don't normally listen to Armchair Anonymous. I'm normally on the other ones and my husband loves Armchair Anonymous. And then this prompt came up and he's like, you gotta tell the dick story. I'm like, it is perfect timing with like the penis Olympics and all of that. Sure. Sure.

Penises are hot right now. They're hot right now. Penis summer, has to take penis summer. Well, lovely meeting you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. All right. Have a great day. Great Thank you so much. Thank you so much. All right. Have a great day.

Great meeting you, take care. Here comes Ryan. Look at you, beautiful, beautiful people. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. This is my David Letterman. Oh, shush now. Where are you at, Ryan? I am currently in Wilmington, North Carolina.

I'm originally from Plamby and Ohio, which is about an hour south of Cedar Point. There we go. Oh my God. Monica's favorite topic. My favorite place. You know, I'm gonna make you go like we made David go to Disneyland.

Oh yeah, and I'll probably love it. You'll love it, it's a great place. If I go, will you promise to stop talking about it? I can't do that. No, I think on my deathbed I'll be talking about Cedar Point. Yeah, well what happens, you both can talk about it. Yeah, you're right. Yeah.

Contagious. So Ryan, you had a crazy internship. Was it in Ohio or in North Carolina? Neither, just because I'm dealing with patients. I'm a physical therapist, and Monica, I know you love a good physical therapist. All my friends are PTs. I'm going to kind of leave the area of a country out. It was winter.

The setting is, is 2018. I'm in my last clinical rotation we have to do for doctoral school. At this time, I am freshly broken up with, I am heavily dosed with seasonal disorder. Oh, so in this hospital I was known as the poop guy. Oh, the poop guy. Did I hear that right? Okay. So weirdly enough, I am dealing with a lot of feces more than usual.

They might be stories for later. Wait, wait, sorry, sorry. Feces coming from your body or the patients? Patients. Okay, I didn't know if there was like a colon issue. So if there was like a shitty patient, you got kind of assigned to that patient? Yeah.

Okay. Okay, oof. What a service you were providing. So on this day, I'm gonna be seeing an empty patient. They've been laying in bed for about two weeks and they are under C-diff precautions. You know what C-diff precautions are? Is this a floor that takes over your intestines and prevents your body from absorbing nutrients? It is an explosive faunus.

Ah, yeah. So I make a plan with my instructor. I'm feeling pretty confident, maybe overly confident. We go down to the patient's bedroom. So to go in there, you have to be down, gloves, mask, booties over your shoes, talk to my instructor. I go in the room, introduce myself. He's just kind of rolling around going like, somebody kill me.

Oh, fuck. He needs to finish him for death. The plan is to slide the gentleman to the edge of the bed, sit him up, and then we're going to get in what we call a steady stander, which is, at the time, you put your feet on this, and it blocks your knees from buckling. And then he can put his forearms and hands on some handles.

And then we can take them to the chair. You know, any time you're more upright, your brain's more upright, your brain's more active, your arm, your lungs. Just hoping maybe this will make you feel better. We get them to the edge of the bed, it starts on us, reass all over the place. So now at this point, I'm like, we have to get him out of bed because now we have to

clean it. Like we can't just leave him in his own room. I hate to ask for details, but he's on the edge of the bed. He begins his harness and you're aware of it because you can either what? A, hear it, B, smell it, or C, is it actually coming out of between his legs through his gown onto the ground? It's not as much when you can see it going on the ground,

but you can kind of see the sheets are starting to change colors. Okay, sure. There's a smell to it. Yeah. We get him to sitting. He's still at this time, yelling for death. Makes you a little anxious.

Yeah. We get his foot on the stander and we say like, okay, on the count of three, we're going to stand up. We have a gate belt on him. We go to get him up and of course, like this is going to trigger more harness. Yeah. As soon as we go to get him moving, full evacuation.

Oh. Yes, yeah. You never really gets up fully and somehow he is going down to the ground. Oh, so he had straight dead weight. His knee hit the standard, but his hips are like going. Oh, he is going straight to the ground. Oh, my God. So I grab the gate. Oh, I threw my arm underneath his arm. I got to pause you and just say again,

God bless all of you guys. God bless you. I get in that situation and what I would wanna do is turn around, walk out the door, lock the door, and just hope the room caught on fire. Like just somehow this whole situation's gotta disappear. It's so overwhelming. You've got a-

Call 911, even though you're already at the hospital. Calling for death, he's collapsed, It's so overwhelming. You've got- You've got a guy who- You've got a guy who- Even though you're already at the hospital. Calling for death. He's collapsed, there's shit everywhere. Where do you even begin with this? I really think you guys would be able to spring into action. There's an amount of empathy that goes with this. Yeah.

I guess if it's happening in front of you. I'm saying all this, but I did deal with some situations like this with my dad. And you're just like, Oh fuck, we gotta just get busy. Yeah, you with my dad. And you're just like, oh, fuck, we got to just get busy. Yeah, you just do it. We get the guy back in bed. We're screaming for nursing.

And my instructor goes, what is all over you? I just don't want to look down. No, thank you. When I finally get back to look down, I am covered in blood. Oh, I'm honest all over it. My gown is covered in blood. Oh, I have fondness all over it. My gown is covered in blood. I look through my gown, my shirt's covered in blood, and I have blood all over my skin.

So it is so cruel. Oh my God. Whoa. Immediately I go like, where is this coming from? And the patient had a skin tear from his elbow to his belt line. Oh my. When he started falling, I want to grab and I hook under

me his armpit. Like I must have caught the inside of his elbow and just kind of slid up his arm and just for his skin. Because his skin was so was this person like 90 years old? Why? Yeah. Why was their skin so terrible? Oh, is that the root of terrible? Oh, my God, sorry. Sorry, that was just a big pop out.

Wow, terrible. Oh my God. Okay, wow. I'm 49 and that just happened. That was the first time. So I was treating patients today and so I was trying to rehearse in this whole thing and I was like laughing through it

and they're like, you shouldn't laugh. You have to laugh. You have to. I know, I know, I know. Anyone who's it. And they're like, we shouldn't laugh. You have to laugh. You have to. I know, I know. Anyone who's judgmental, they can fuck off and go deal with this and see how they want to deal with it. Exactly. You dealt with this. Essentially, they like go home.

I tried to stay. I went to my car. I got a new shirt. The shirt had dog hair all over it. Breckley's single. You're sad. It's winter. I go home, come back the next morning and they pull me aside and they said, that patient

last night, after you left went to the ICU and died. Died? Yeah, he died. Oh my God. There's no way you're going to catch an infection that fast from skin tear to ICU to death. And just from the guy screaming for death, like obviously there's something else going on there that he felt so bad that he wanted to die. Yes.

But I just felt really bad. How old was this person? I don't remember. Probably late 60s to probably mid 80s. When you're laying in a hospital for that long, for two weeks. You deteriorate, right? Yeah, you're not doing well.

Wow. And then shortly after that, I moved to Hawaii. Lived in Hawaii for four years and met my wife. Oh, that's nice. I'm like, screw it. I'm just moving to Hawaii. It was kind of like a bottom. It was like a life bottom. I can get the fuck out of here. It was 100%. You know, when I started listening to the show,

it would have been shortly after that, around that time, and that was a huge help. Oh, my. Thank you. We was a huge help. Oh my. Oh, that's so nice. Thank you. We just got married in Hawaii in May, so shout out to Sarah. Oh, shout out. Congratulations. Just real quick, I listened to all the sync, and I listened to the Race of 35,

and those are very important to me now. They're just a very high opening. Thank you. Things that I don't even think about that is being brought to me on a weekly basis. In DAACS, I got diagnosed with dyslexia when I was first grade. And there are some mirror neurons going on there when you talk about being sucked out of the class, being taken to another group of kids that are going to be all over the

spectrum. When you're that age, you know, I hate to say it, but like, I guess I'm dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly. I can't read. And I just started making people laugh but like, I guess I'm dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Clearly I can't read. And I just started making people laugh and like, I'll just go be friends and chase girls and play sports and be a comedian and all this fun stuff. Yeah.

I appreciate it so much just hearing someone else talk about it being difficult. And I did go to college and I got three degrees. We're laughing last Ryan. Yeah. Well, congrats, man. That makes me so happy. Really appreciate it. We're very flattered someone as special as you is into our show. Yeah, truly. Great meeting you Ryan. Thank you so much. What a barn burner of a story. All right. Until next time guys. All right. Take care brother.

What a sweetie pie. I was thinking in the episode we recorded yesterday and then now again, it's funny, certain events define us and you might have had the exact same event and it wouldn't have defined you because in the middle of that story yesterday, I was like, oh yeah, I went to speech class. Oh, you did? Yes, they said I had a lisp.

Okay. And like, I couldn't say S's. There was like some verbal problem. That's hard to imagine. You're so verbally dexteritous. Like my mom was like, no, she doesn't. But they said, yes, she does. And so I also was taken out of class. Oh really?

To go to speech class for however long. But I don't even. Remember it really. I forgot that part. I mean, so many things defined the trajectory of my life, but that didn't, and it is just weird to hear that for some, you know? 100%. What sticks and what doesn't stick.

Yeah, what you're susceptible to. Hello. Hello. Can you hear us? Perfect, I'm gonna take these off because I can't see you guys. Okay. Yay. How long have you been in these readers? Is it new for you?

No, I'm 42. I had cataract surgery when I was 22. Oh my God, really? So there's like maybe a genetic predisposition or something? I am a type one diabetic. Oh, okay. Is that something that comes back? People have multiple, or once they're gone, they're gone?

They're gone, but then I was doing CrossFit and I tore my retina. Oh no! I can't see out of this eye. I've heard of a lot of CrossFit injuries. Torn retinas not one of them. That's new. Yeah. Did you bang yourself with a bar?

How the fuck did you tear your retina doing CrossFit? I was doing toes to bar, like swinging, and I let go of the bar and I hit my head. Oh fuck, ugh. Oh, fuck. Ugh. Man, that's terrible. You guys will see in this story. Oh, okay, okay, great. Easter egg. Okay, great.

This is my life. Oh. All right, let's hear it. Wait, where are you? Where in the country are you? Florida by way of Colorado. Okay, so you're in Florida. Where does the internship take place?

Chicago, Illinois. Robbie Rob, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Okay, so hit us in Florida. Where does the internship take place? Chicago, Illinois. Robbie Robb, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Okay, so hit us with this internship story. Okay, in order to have this internship, it was highly coveted and only number one and number two in the class got it. And I was number two, I was not number one. Oh my God, congratulations.

Yeah. It was a very small class. That's okay, it still counts. So when a very small class. That's okay. It still counts. So, when I got it, they were like, well, you have to be able to get to Northwestern. And living in Tinley Park, I was like an hour south. Parking at Northwestern is insanely expensive. The train was too expensive for me.

I was the physical therapy assistant student. I had no money. And my ex-boyfriend was like, well the whole point of you doing this internship and choosing Northwestern was because you were gonna have a place to stay with me. He was like, so just stay with me, it's fine. Now I'm already dating a different person at this time.

My boyfriend, now husband. Oh my goodness, and your ex-boyfriend offers for you to live with him while you do your internship. The plan was to live with him, so it was like thrown up in the air when we broke up. Gotcha. And then definitely when I was dating Cory, my husband, he was like, you're not living there,

but I mean, how can I stop you from doing this internship? So day one, organized, I have everything ready. They're very strict. Northwestern, you have to wear forest green scrubs if you are a student. That's the palette, no options. So I have my scrubs ready to go. I have my backpack, my binders, everything I need.

And I go out to my car in the morning. I stayed at my ex-boyfriend's house. I'm like walking towards my car because I was keeping my scrubs in there. And I'm like, my car looks really weird as I'm walking towards it and I get closer and closer and somebody had smashed the front windshield of my car. The driver's side window took all of my scrubs, my backpack, and my stereo. So I run back inside and I was like, Chris I don't know what to do. I'm

freaking out. This is top internship. You have to be on your game and I was like Chris, I don't know what to do. I'm freaking out. This is top internship You have to be on your game and I was like, I don't even have scrubs He was like the scrubs are the least of our worries right now call them tell them you're gonna be late. We'll get you there It's fine And he drove my car from Chicago all the way to Timley Park with no windshield back to my parents Oh my lord, he loved you so much so he drove it back to my parents. Oh my Lord. He loved you so much. So he drove it back to my parents and Cory, my husband, my boyfriend at the time,

was like, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing this. You're not going back there. So Cory was like, you can come stay with me in Naperville. And I was like, that's so far. And he's like, I'll buy you a train ticket. You could take the train with me, it's fine. In the midst of all this, I called my clinic instructor and I was like, hey, I'm gonna be late.

He was like, we'll get you scrubs. It's fine. He was very empathetic. He understood. So the next day, I go to Corey's house. Brand new day, it's Tuesday, and we're taking the train. And I was like looking up how far the train was from Northwestern.

And it's three miles, which is fine if you're not trying to get somewhere at eight in the morning and on foot. I was like, I'm not doing a three mile hike every morning. I like to rollerblade. Oh boy. We have problem solved. Oh no.

And you're on such a good luck terror, let's push it. This was like the perfect plan. What could go wrong? So he's like, okay, you need a backpack that fits your roller blades because yours won't cut it. So he gives me his big old Abercrombie and Fitch backpack because it fit my roller blades. And it was huge on me though. So the straps were like kind of big and I put all my stuff in it, get off the train with him. I lace up my roller blades and this is downtown Chicago, 7, 15 in the morning-ish, packed.

So I get my roller blades on and I'm going, and all of a sudden I feel something yank me back, like pull hard. And I'm like, what is happening? And something's on top of me. Oh! All of these people start crowding around, like businessmen in perfect suits and attire, and they're like, oh my gosh, let us help you, let us help you. Do you know a newspaper stand stand like a Chicago Sun Time?

Oh my God, yeah. My backpack got caught on the Chicago Sun Time's newspaper stand and I yanked it on top of me. So I'm laying on the sidewalk in Chicago with this newspaper stand on top of me. All these images come out. It's like a cartoon. It is. It was cartoonish, but fun doesn't stop there though.

By the way, why aren't those fucking things bolted to the ground? How could, I mean, wow. That's what I'm saying. How could that even happen? So these guys pick me up, there's like four of them, and they're like, what can we do? And my pride is done.

I'm like, okay, I just fell doing the one thing I say I'm amazing at. In my mind, I'm this incredible rollerblader. So I'm like down on the ground and they're like, let us help you. And I was like, no, I'm fine. I was like crying. I had tears in my eyes and I was in pain. I looked down at my arm and it like started bruising. I was like, I'm fine. And they were like, are you sure? Like we can help you. And I was like, no, I'm just going to Northwestern. It's totally fine. So I start going again. I'm going I'm going I get to

Michigan Avenue and Washington and Michigan Avenue is like the big shopping Central it's busy and I see the crosswalk. I see that the light is red It's don't walk and as I'm getting a little closer it changes to walk I go the car car did not stop. And it ran the red light and hit me. Oh my second. You got hit by a car?

And like a cartoon character. I tumbled over the top of it and like landed on the ground. Oh my gosh. You were not supposed to do this internship. Yeah, I mean at this point, you're wondering like how we get struck by lightning in the next block? I didn't really know what happened

until I was on top of the car. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the lady like stops her car and she was like, let me take you to the hospital right now. And I was like, no, I just didn't want somebody that just hit me taking me in their car. So I told her no.

And she was like, okay. Drove away. She drove away. She drove away. Did you get her license and she was like, okay. Drove away. She drove away. She drove away. Did you get her license plate? No, but luckily there was a police officer right there. He pulled her over, she got a ticket. $30 ticket, moving violation.

I don't know what happened to her to be honest. I never found out. So the police officer was like, do you have anybody here that could help you? So I called my boyfriend. He was like, okay, I'll be there in a second. So he calls my dad. He's like Leanne's been hit by a car. Oh Jesus Well, yeah, and then the ambulance comes because the police officer called the ambulance. They put me in the ambulance They take me away to Northwestern

Arrive in the emergency room. So I called my clinical instructor again, and I was like hi in the emergency room. So I called my clinical instructor again and I was like, hi. Oh my God. I'm downstairs and he's like, you're early, good job. He's like, come on up. And I was like, I'm in the ER. Oh my God.

I'm not coming up today. He was like, what? So then him and probably a good 10 other PTs came down and they were like, we don't even know what to do with you. Well, thank God they took you to Northwestern because if you were at a different hospital, if I were your instructor, I'd be like, yes, Gail's a drug addict. Yesterday it was a story, now she's been hit by a car.

Minimally irresponsible, like she's lying. Or really bad excuses, right? Right. I'm a clinical director now and employees give me excuses all the time, like, oh, there was an accident, I travel the same freeway as them, I still get there. So like, I get it.

But this one would really take the cake if it was like constant every day and you got hit by a car, okay. What were your injuries from that? Bruises. The funny thing is, is they were like, wow, they really got you. There's some really strange bruising patterns

on your arm, on your chest, and I was like, yeah, that's weird. So then it wasn't until we were on the train home that I told my husband, I was like, the newspaper stand attacked me first. That's why the bruises. Here's what's crazy is you can see a scenario where like you really fucked yourself up

with the newspaper thing, then you get hit by the car, nothing happened with the car, and then you tell the woman, look at all this damage you did. You could really have exaggerated. Everyone says that I should have, but I never like press charges. I didn't do anything. I was fine.

Where's the rest of the internship? Did you show up on time and like redeem yourself? It was my favorite one. They loved me. I loved them. It was amazing. And I stayed with Cory the rest of the time. No going back to the exes.

Can I ask you a weird question? Yeah. Did you have like a super dad? I do have a super dad. Because you're attracting all these men that are super willing to go way above and beyond to help you, and I feel like that had to feel familiar to you or something.

I mean, an ex that still wants you to stay at their house and then drives your car, that's a rare. But the boyfriend coming to after you got hit by a car, I wouldn't really say is a fucking beyond. No, but like come on the train, I'll buy the ticket, here's a backpack, like really taking care. Yeah, they did. No, the first one, he broke up with me

and then called my dad on the way home when his tire went flat and was like, can you come change my tire? Super dad. And my dad will still tell that story the whole time. So I'll give that super dad title to my dad and my husband, not to the ex. Oh, that was fun. I'm glad you're okay and that it worked out. I'm glad you're alive. It sounds like you're very accident prone. And then this retina situation. It's so bad. I'm very accident prone. Monica was giving me a signal, but I didn't know which one of the many signals it could be.

It's knock on wood. I mainly have one. Okay. Oh, it's like, am I in trouble? Did I do something? No, we're protecting your life. Can my husband come say hi to you? Sure, Corey.

Let's get Corey in the mix. Hello, Corey. Dax, I quote all of your movies all of the time. It is just a pleasure to get to meet you in Monica Yuzoel. Oh, thank you. We have learned from Leanne's story that you're a real standup gentleman.

If you ever do another segment on dealing with exes, I'd like to submit my story. Oh, that's a good idea. Let's write that down. That's actually a great idea. Yeah, yeah, thank you for that. Well, nice meeting both of you. It's such good idea. Let's write that down. That's actually a great idea. Yeah, yeah. Thank you for that. Yeah. Well, nice meeting both of you.

It's such a pleasure. Thank you guys so much. Have a good one. Take care. Bye. Wow, well, internships can really go awry. Did you ever have one? No, did you? Yeah, I had many.

Many? Mm-hmm. My favorite one was at Allied Advertising. It was a advertising agency that did movies. Oh, I know this. And you would like plaster, you'd do city bombs? Kind of, and Callie also worked there. And we would get free t-shirts for all the movies.

Yeah, swag. And the movie posters. And once they were done, we got to have some. Sure. And that's when I met Rainn Wilson. Oh, right, you told that story. Yeah, it was very, he was so sweet. You were doing a pop-up, whatever we call it.

What do we call these? He was doing a junket. Key campaigns? Okay. What do you call it when the street crew goes out? You know what I'm saying? They go out and they. Graffiti? No, street team.

Street team, right? And they hand out flyers. I've never heard of that. Okay, you weren't part of the street team. All right, well, I they hand out flyers. They put up posters. Okay, you weren't a part of the street team. All right, well, I love you. And I was gonna say I regret never having one, but now I'm kind of grateful. They're tough.

I don't think it's for me. Yeah, also one time I interned at this hospital. Well, the like business end of the hospital. The administrative wing. Yeah, and I had to create this book that we were gonna put in the lobby of like restaurants around and the menus and stuff. I bought, you know the plastic,

what are they called? Sleeves. Sleeves, yeah. I just bought like so many plastic sleeves and I was trying to make it pretty but it was all like handwritten. Like who would want this? It was a disaster. Anyway, I'm a hard worker, bye.

You made it, love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song for this new show so here I go go go. We're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish.

On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish.

On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a rhinoish, on the fly a rhinoish. On the fly a some random questions and with the help of Armchairy's book it's in suggestion. On the fly a rindish, on the fly a rindish, enjoy. Listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com.