Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Mall Stories

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy mall story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or the exquisitely refined Avenir. Visit Buick.ca to learn more. Tap the banner or visit this episode's page to learn more. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dak Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi, this was fun. This was for you.

My old stomping grounds. This one specifically was for you. It's crazy mall stories. I love the mall. Boy, one of these had me laughing. A little tiny thing got carried away. Someone lost control of a little tiny thing. And there's nothing that's funnier than that to me.

This is so fun. Oh, it was a really good one. And some bonkers ones too. Now let me see if you can, I'm just looking to see if you can listen to this one. Yeah, this is fine. There's blood. Yeah, there's some blood. And there's some poop.

And there's some pootie. And there's some theft. Please enjoy Mall Stories. Hello. Hi. How are you guys? Oh good and you? I'm very well. Thank you for joining me at my work in the supply closet. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on the supply closet. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on the supply closet.

I'm very well. Thank you for joining me at my work in the supply closet. Wait, okay. You're at work in a supply closet. Does the supply closet always have this very light ocean sprayy green blanket? No, I got the directions and I put up these lovely sound barriers. So I have this blanket and behind me, there is a water heater, which while I was waiting, I heard it tinkle a few times.

So I was like, well, that's just great. Hopefully it's not going to be doing that throughout the recording. I hope it does. I want a coworker to walk in and go, what in the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Oh no, she already knows. She knows. Okay.

She helped me put the blankets up this morning. So it's been a very productive day at work. Where are you at in the country? I live in Raleigh, North Carolina. Okay. She helped me put the blankets up this morning. So it's been a very productive day at work. Where are you at in the country? I live in Raleigh, North Carolina. Wonderful. Okay. So you have a crazy mall story. I do.

So I saw this prompt and I was like, wow, I had honestly forgotten about this story, but here we are. This prompt brought me back to the late nineties. I'm sorry. Actually it was the early nineties. Early nineties, prime mall time. I was going to say that about late nineties. Guess what? It was pretty good in the late 90s. I'm sorry, actually it was the early 90s. Early 90s, prime mall time. I was gonna say that about late 90s. Guess what, it was pretty good in the 80s too,

I hate to tell you. It was good up until like five years ago. Oh no, in Michigan like 20 years ago. Really? Yeah. Okay, sorry Michelle. That's okay sidebar. So I was 17 and I worked at a mall in the suburbs of DC in Virginia. It was a very,

very high end mall. The anchor stores were Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Macy's, when Macy's was actually a thing. It had a bunch of luxury fashion brand stores. There was a Ritz Carlton, well there still is a Ritz Carlton attached to the mall so that people could exit from the hotel into the mall and do their shopping. So I mean, the clientele was very, very affluent. There was Middle Eastern royalty and there were actors, sometimes musicians that were on tour that would stay at the Ritz.

This is a dream, Michelle, and you were in high school? I was 17 and oh my gosh, did I ever feel so sophisticated? I was working in a card store, so it wasn't like I was working at the Versace, but it still made me feel very worldly and sophisticated. Yes, of course. For the most part, it wasn't very busy. I mean, I went up there one night to visit a friend and see if we could hang out after

her shift. I walk into the store and the manager's son and her are standing behind the counter smoking a bowl. Oh, wow. In the store. Very lax. All this to say, the mall that I worked at, it was not really busy at night. And I think if I worked at the mall across the street, this probably wouldn't have happened.

It was a week night and I was working with a girl who was 16 and I took my customer service duties very seriously. This guy comes up to the counter and he asks for some help to pick out some gift wrap. So I follow him over to the gift wrap wall and the gift wrap is not really in plain sight of the cash register. It's about 10 feet away. So we get over to the gift wrap and he looks down and he sees my boots and he says, Oh gosh, I really like your boots. Now these boots were everything to me when I was 17. They were suede. They had this fringe that encircled the top. They were amazing. I wore them into the ground. They were my absolute favorite boots of all time.

So anyway, this guy, he looks at my boots and he's like, wow, I love your boots. And I'm 17. So I was like, oh my gosh, yeah, I love them too. They're great. And I kind of popped my hip out and tilted my knee in and I kind of swiveled my heel out. So he'd get a really good look at my boot.

Were you in a pant or a skirt? I was in pants. Okay. He's looking at it and he says, can I see them? I was like, okay. So I took off my boot? I was like, okay. So I took off my boot, I handed it to him. Oh Jesus.

And I'm thinking maybe he's got a girlfriend and he really likes these boots and he wants to go and see if he can find a pair. He's holding my boot and he's kind of turning it over in his hands. He puts his hand into it. And he says, these don't really offer much arch support. And I'm just like, yeah, okay.

This was the early 90s, sweat wicking technology wasn't really a thing yet. So I'm just like, yeah, okay. This was the early 90s, sweat wicking technology wasn't really a thing yet, so I'm sure that his hand in there was probably met with all sorts of swampy, sweaty mess. It was gross, I'm sure. It all happened really quickly, but also it took long enough that my coworker decided to come and find me because we had been over at the gift drop wall long enough for her to be, I guess, concerned or maybe she saw immediately that this guy was a creep. But she comes around the corner and I hear this gasp and she exclaims my name because he is crouched down on the ground and he has every single finger

interlaced with the toes of my right foot. Wait, hold on a second. You didn't feel this happening. It took your coworker to alert you to this. He was feeling the inside of the boot and the arch support, and then all of a sudden he finds his hands down to your feet. He somehow talked me out of my sock.

Okay, great, so there were some steps between feeling the inside of the boot. But was he standing upright holding the boot, or was he down by your foot looking at the boot? Heady crouch. Yeah. He was standing up, and then he eventually made it down to my foot, where, if I remember correctly, he actually took my sock off. Yeah. And so he ended up with his fingers in between every single one of my toes on my right foot.

Oh boy. And he briskly stands up and walks out of the store and my coworkers just looking at me like what in the actual fuck? And I am just kind of like customer service. I really don't know how it happened. Is it fair to say you had like the freeze response? Was it that you frozen, you were nervous, or you just literally didn't even really notice what was going on? I was aware that he was asking me to take off my sock.

I was kind of like, this is weird, but it was crazy. How old was this person? He was probably late 20s, maybe early 30s. When you're 17, everybody who's over 20 looks old. What would be the worst age for you, Monica, to hear? I was expecting like 53. 53, okay. That felt really bad.

For whatever reasons, there's strata's in this. Cause if it was like another 17 year old boy. Yeah, that's hot. Well, I would argue 53, you can't make it that long in this game. No, I think you can. You think you can? Yeah, there's a lot of older creeps out there.

Listen, if you come across a naive 17 year old like me, he probably totally could have been older than that. What's the worst age for you? 40. Interesting. I guess, cause I'm on 50s back door and I know I'm not as sexual as I was 10 years ago. So I feel like I would be more dangerous at 40. You have to wonder how many young women's feet he held

because he had obviously a well rehearsed approach and technique and you're starting with some flattery like, oh, I love those boots. Oh, great, me too. It's a whole system. It was weird you would think that somebody who's gonna try to pull something like that would go to a shoe store.

Maybe they're a little more on top of it, on the feet fetish. Is this too dangerous for us to explore the hierarchy of fearful interaction of this nature? I do feel like this is the lowest harm rate. Like let's just say, deranged lunatic at 7-Eleven was going to touch a body part of mine and I got to pick. Yeah.

Foot, I go, yeah, if this guy's gotta touch something, I'll let him touch my foot. I agree, actually. So it's like the preferred body part. Yeah, because I would not want them to touch my hands too intimate. Yes. And germs. And face.

Definitely not face. Belly. And definitely not like private parts. Right, or lower back. Even knee feels a little too. Inside of the knee, back side of the knee. No, that's way too intimate. I'd prefer to have my foot touched than to see a flasher.

Oh. Right? Yeah. You know, we just go through all of them. I feel like this is maybe the only one we can laugh about. I mean, it's still because it's a stranger. Yeah, the guy's deranged. He's obviously deranged. But if I was in a relationship with someone

and they had a feet fetish, I'm into it. It doesn't creep me out unless that person's fetish is so strong that they're doing what this person's doing, like going to malls and touching strangers feet and stuff. Underage students. Yeah, that's bad. For the rest of the shift, my coworker made fun of me relentlessly.

And we never really talked about it again because she was 16, I was 17. It was something that I realize now that I haven't really talked with anybody about it. I was talking with a friend of mine, I sent her a text. I was like, hey, do you remember the time that I got my foot fingered at the mall and she said, no. What? Right.

I don't think I really told many people because I recognized that it was kind of skeevy on some levels and I didn't really want to be like, yeah, no, I'm the girl that took my sock off. Right, you felt shame. Great, yeah, you're answering my question. I was wondering if you didn't talk about it because on some level you felt like,

how did I let myself get to a point where my sock was off? Like I participated. Exactly, this is classic victim 101 where if I'd gone to mall security, they would have been like, well, why would you do that? Yeah, exactly. Also early nineties. Absolutely. No one was.

What do you expect when you wear boots that nice? Your fault. You were asking for it with the fringe. The fringe was an invitation. Oh, the fringe is like really, you might as well be topless. Oh man. That was one of my weird, small stories, but I can laugh about it now. Did you catch anyone stealing from this place?

Not the kind of products that thieves are drawn to, stationary and wrapping paper. I think that's a misnomer. You do? Oh, you're right. They like to steal random. There's a lot of female kleptomaniacs. Yes.

Yeah, maybe even more than that. I always wanna call them narcoleptics. They're sleepies. They go nighty night. Yeah, sleepies. There was an employee that actually stole and we found out that he was stealing a bunch of expensive figurines. He was giving himself credit on his credit card

with a charge machine. That makes sense, as long as you're getting money out of it. But just to be stealing and have a gorgeous set of stationery. All right. This seems a little bizarre. Oh, well Michelle, thank you so much for sharing that story with us.

Thank you. Hope you have a great day at work. Yeah, there's that. I'll try. All right, well, have a great rest of your day. Nice meeting you, Michelle. Nice meeting you guys too. Bye. Bye.

I used to love that kind of store, Hallmark. The stationary. I would walk by and go like, what the fuck is that thing doing in here? Like, it was buying paper. What? It was a great place to get gifts. No, A is that thing doing in here? Like, it was buying paper. What? It was a great place to get gifts. No, A.J. Voight's was or whatever it was called.

A.J. Novelty Shop. Oh, like where you get the wet willies. Spencer's. Spencer's, yeah, Spencer's gifts. Oh my God, yeah, that's the difference between boys went to Spencer's to get gifts and girls went to Hallmark. Yeah, there was like dildos. Yeah, there was sexy stuff in there.

Here's Jacob or J. Speaking of feet, I need a pedicure. Hi. Oh, hello. Hi, is it J or Jacob? My full name's Jacob, but you can call me J. Okay, I'm gonna call you J. I like that.

Where are you, J? I'm in Denver, Colorado. I'm from San Diego originally, and that's where this mall story takes place. Do you have an expert shirt on? I do. It's my Monica Monsoon shirt. Oh!

Monica Monsoon! How great! It was given to me by my wife, who's also named Monica. Oh! I love that for all of us. She wants to come meet you guys in a little bit. Of course.

And you're in what I presume is your basement where you do music. Yes. I have a drum set behind me. I mean, it's pretty big room, but I have all this sound buffering already. Oh, we love that. I was like stressing all morning, so hopefully it sounds okay.

You sound glorious. It's really good to meet you both. You were my two favorite people that I've never met. Oh, thank you, Jack. That is so flattering. Okay, so take us back to San Diego and what year, and also give us a loose description of mall culture in San Diego,

because for Monica and I, I think what's unique is outdoor probably is the norm. Aren't there a lot of malls in California where there's no roof? That's kind of actually how this one is. So it's a mall called Horton Plaza, and essentially it's like a five story mall with like a canyon that goes down the middle.

Wow. You can see all of the stores on one side and look all the way down to the first floor when you're on the other side. But one thing about it is it's absolutely super confusing. So like, take a staircase from like the second floor and get to the fourth floor. It's like an MC Usher drawing. 100%. It's like the end of labyrinth.

I'm trying to find David Bowie up in there. Even like the parking lots, a double helix. So if you can all like get in the wrong area, just get lost. So I was probably 13 or 14. So like eighth or ninth grade. So this would have been in 2003. All right, great.

So this was at the peak of malls when people were starting to trust buying things from the internet, but it was like everything was in 2003. All right, great. So this was at the peak of malls when people were starting to trust buying things from the internet, but it was like everything was in there. You have all the foods, shops, and the game stores, and go there for anything you need type of place. God, I miss it. It was really fun.

I went with my dad just to do some shopping, and we basically went to go hit up the stores that I knew. It was like the GameStop, and it was Hot Topic at the time. So I'm walking around with my dad, we do some shopping, and then we decided to stop for lunch. They have all these options, but my favorite place was Mongolian Barbecue, where you like fill up your bowl with meat and veggies

and then they stack a bunch of noodles on it and then make it on that circular grill with a bunch of like big chopsticks, you know? Oh, yum. Industrial chopsticks. I was of age where I could crush the whole thing. So I ate the entire meal and then right afterwards, I got a feeling in my gut.

Immediate. Immediate. I used to get this thing, it was like one in one out where I'd like put a meal in my body and then I'd instantly have to go to the bathroom. Wow. So I look at my dad and I'm like, I gotta go to the bathroom.

And he's like, okay, I see ya. So we start like looking for a bathroom in this mall and we're stopping at stores and they'm like, I gotta go to the bathroom. And he's like, okay, I see ya. So we start like looking for a bathroom in this mall. And we're stopping at stores and they're like, we don't have a bathroom. Other stores are like, it's employees only. And I'm starting to really feel it. J, I don't wanna be critical of you guys, but of course there's no toilets in the stores.

We know this, this was a total waste of time. But it was such a confusing mall. They couldn't find the regular bathroom. So they were paying like eight dollars. I know, just, we just knew where the bathroom was. That's fair. But you just know that Hot Topics is not gonna let you take a dump in there.

They should have said the bathroom is around the corner. Like, you know, as you're going in a footlocker, I mean, like, where's your bathroom? They be like, are you fucking high? Have you ever been to a footlocker? Buy a fucking hat and get out. Yeah, yeah. No one could even tell us where one was. So we finally find a security guard and he's like,

there's a bathroom down there at the far end. And we're like, okay, sweet. We're trucking it to get there. I see the bathroom. I go to open it and it's just deadbolted. Oh, this is a nightmare. And I'm like, this is getting kind of bad. And my dad looks at me and he goes,

there's a bathroom in Nordstrom. Can you make it? And I was like, yes. And internally, I'm like, I fucking hope I can make it. Oh, oh. Internally, you're like, maybe. God. Also, your dad knew there was one in Nordstrom the whole time.

Come on, dad, go straight to Nordstrom. At least some of the stores have bathrooms in them. So it was like, you know, a trek across the entire mall to get there. My dad runs ahead and like opens the door. So I don't even have to like open the door for myself. We instantly get into the women's shoe section and we were on a level that was just all women's clothing and stuff. So it's like my dad, who's like a six, six dude, and me, an eighth grader, running through this section. And I'm slowing down my pace, you know,

starting to like squeeze the butt cheeks. And I get probably 20 feet from the bathroom and just start running and lose it. As you take off running. I mean, it was gonna happen. It was like, as I was opening the door, it just started leaking everywhere. And I was wearing khaki shorts

And like all white socks that were all the time. Oh, it's just like all down everywhere Into my shoes. I made it into the stall and I'm sitting there just awkward as fuck with acne and shit And I'm like, where do I begin? What do I do? There's a single-ply toilet paper that just doesn't clean anything My dad just opens the door and he goes, are you good? I just go, no. So he leaves and I'm just cleaning up everything. I throw away my underwear. I throw away the socks.

I threw basically everything away. Then this other dude comes in and it's a single stall and two urinals, that type of bathroom. This old guy's just standing outside of the urinal waiting for me to be finished. I'm just sitting there smudging shit around getting cleaned up as best as I can. So my dad finally shows up and basically acts as like bouncer. We got an issue, go use the bathroom on another floor. He's like, do you know how many bathrooms there are in this mall? None.

Yeah, just one on every floor of Northstrom. Just five of them. Go find your own. So over the top of the bathroom stall just comes a pair of Tommy Bahamas bathing trunks. They're like green with orange and pink, you know, flora on it. It has like the netting in it,

which like at the time was not cool. So I throw them on and throw my poopy khaki shorts into the bag that the bathing suit came in, like a paper bag from Nordstrom's do the walk of shame back through the women's shoe section. A kid goes into the bathroom and comes out wearing something different. So I'm just mortified. Does anyone know where the pool is? Exactly.

He should have bought you a towel too, to sling over your shoulder. I thought there was a top floor jacuzzi up here somewhere. So we finally make it out of there to the car. I don't know what to say. And my dad just leans over and he goes, don't worry, it happens to the best of us. And then he proceeded to just tell me a story about when he shit his pants in public

to make me feel better. Oh, what a good dad. So yeah, that's when I pooped my pants in North Oh, so sweet. It does make me wonder why we don't ever see people actively pooping their pants. Cause we all have these stories. We've talked to tons of armchairs who've done it. Why haven't I ever been looking at an eighth grade boy and just see shit dribbling down

his legs as he sprints through his shoe section. I have an 11 year old stepson and I could tell you I've seen that look in his eyes before. Wow. It's always been at home. Luckily. Yeah. I mean, have you ever seen someone dealing with shit actively in their pants? Were we together when we were on an elevator and there was someone in front of

us who definitely had soiled their pants? I've seen a couple people, and I sent you some photos once from Rite Aid back when it was on the corner. I was behind a woman who had totally shitter yoga pants. Okay, that maybe is what. But there were no lumps, so I couldn't decide if it had been washed and it stained.

That must've contained it though. Right. Yeah. That's a good outfit to have. Well, I'm gonna be on the lookout for more shit on people's legs and shoes and stuff. I just feel like it's shocking we don't see it. And Jay, you really scratched an itch I've had. I was just lamenting to Monica a couple of days ago. I'm like, we have not had a poop prompt in way too long.

Yeah, it's time. Yeah, and so I love that this one snuck in or snuck out. I'm just happy to be here. If you need other poop stories, I'm sure we can find some. I'm sure we'll talk to you again. Let's meet the wife, Monica. Monica, other Monica. Monica 1.0, she's probably old.

No, you guys may be the same age. I have wanted to be the significant other that comes in at the end of the story so bad. You may do so too. Yay, another Monica. Well, you have a big leg up that you're Monica. I'm so excited to meet you guys. Oh, us too.

What year were you born? 1990. Younger than me. You're younger. So you're one point up. I'm one point up. We're just babies over here. I was hoping I would have the mall story because I used to work at Limited Too, but Jay's sort of beat mine.

I loved Limited Too. What year did you work there? It was in high school, 2008 minus three years. Okay, 2005 to 08. And you were in there a lot in that period? No, I was late 90s, early 2000s. 99 to 04. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, by the time I worked there, kind of aged out of dressing there, unfortunately. And Limited's brother's store was Structure? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, by the time I worked there, kind of aged out of dressing there, unfortunately. And limited's brother's store was Structure? Or am I confusing what Structure's sister store was? Yeah, I think it's Express. Did you see anything bonkers while you worked there?

Well, I was telling Jay, I was like, I didn't think about this until this prompt came up. We did have someone who pooped in the dressing room. Yeah. And they were definitely sitting because the poop was shaped like this. And they asked me to clean it up and I'm like, I make $10 an hour.

Yeah. Right. My cousins worked at Gap and it was a pretty regular occurrence that someone would sheepishly come in, they would take an outfit off the rack, they'd go in and they would change into it and come out and pay for it.

They would have their old clothes wadded up in the bag. No! Yeah, this happened weekly at the 12-Wolves Mall. Oh my God, so you're just a dime a dozen, Jay. That's kind of what happened to me. What if we found out there was a broad study and like 5% of the clothes sold in an Nordstrom, so it was just people dealing with having shit themselves.

It's that Auntie Annie's and it and the baro that really gets you. Yeah, well, let's be honest, it's more that Korean barbecue is not the safest bet there. Jay and Monica, it's so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you both, thank you. Yeah, our pleasure. Have a good rest of your day. Yeah, take care.

The mall. You're getting itchy, aren't you? Yeah, I wanna go. But you wanna go back in time. I do. I wanna do the mall. You're getting itchy, aren't you? Yeah, I wanna go. But you wanna go back in time and go. I do. Yeah. I wanna do the impossible. The Yankee Candle Store. Candles? I loved it.

Like, let's get in the car and drive all the way up to the mall to get some candles. What's wrong with that? You're so judgmental. I'm just so male. Oh my God, bath and body work. There we go. You liked it? I mean, I didn't like it, but I get it.

Did you have to buy any of your girlfriends stuff? I bought a few of those packages for Christmas for moms and girlfriends and stuff. It's just like the flower shop for dudes on Valentine's Day where I walk in there like, what's the thing? My mom was like, yeah. Moonlight Path was my scent. Do you ever go in there and take a sniff on it

and get nostalgic? No, I haven't seen Bath bath and body works in a while. Cause you know, a few years back, I ordered my high school cologne. You did. Yeah, and it sits in my medicine cabinet and then every once in a while I just smell it and it takes me back.

Oh, that's nice, I should do that. Fahrenheit, Fahrenheit. Pfft. By Dior. Oh, I thought you were mispronouncing pheromones. No, no, no, Fahrenheit was the title of it. It was by Dior. Dior, that's advanced.

Well, my dad wore Obsession for Men by Calvin Klein, and I think all dads wore that. Yeah, that was common. I was into Ralph Lauren Blue, because this popular girl had it, and she smelled so good, and so then I got it. It didn't smell as good on me. Well, that's what's funny, is however she would have smelled would have been good. Oh, that I got it. It didn't smell as good on me. Well, that's what's funny is however she would have smelled

would have been good. Oh, that's probably how you're supposed to smell because she's popular. That's true. Michael Jordan had his own cologne. That was mine. Oh really? What did it smell like?

What were the scents? What was it called? Michael Jordan cologne. Oh. Hi. We were just talking about popular colognes and perfumes from our youth. What's your favorite?

We just found out cute Wobby Wob was wearing Michael Jordan's signature cologne, which is super adorable being in Chicago and all, but you seem to still be in your youth, so you're not yet nostalgic. I mean, I'm 28, so you could say that, but I feel like I've lived many lifetimes already. Well, and you're 10 years out from high school, so you could be reflecting back. Did you have a fragrance you wore? I don't think I had a go-to when I was young.

I remember we used to go to Montana when I was younger and there was a store called Rue 21. They had signature fragrances. So I remember one of those and I actually had a hit of it recently. And I was like, where is that from? Nothing makes you more nostalgic than a fragrance. Where did you grow up that Montana was a regular vacation destination? I am in Alberta, Canada.

Oh, you would be coming South. Yes. It's about four hours away. Okay. So tell us about mall culture in Canada. So I live in Calgary and then Edmonton, which is three hours away. There's West Edmonton Mall and that's a super popular mall. And last year I spent a semester in Edmonton.

I was surprised to see the number of malls that they have considering that West Edmonton Mall is their main attraction. Oh, so there's been an explosion of malls since. Yeah, they're not small malls. They're all dramatic, big malls. Oh wow. I definitely spent a lot of time at the mall when I was young.

I don't even want to know how much money I spent just on jeans. What was your store? When I was younger, jeans were definitely like American Eagle. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Classic. Okay. So where and when does this mall story take place? Ironically, there's a lot of like sim things in this story. We love sim. So this story happened in 2018 and it actually happened in May. We're on the anniversary. We're celebrating the anniversary together.

Oh my God, congrats. Of the story. Six year anniversary. And it happened here in Calgary. So we don't have like a lot of malls, but it was one of the bigger ones. A little bit of backstory. My dad, who's kind of the main character in this story is estranged now from everybody. He is a pretty volatile addict with some mental health issues and that plays into the story a little bit. At the time, within a year, my parents had split.

So my mom and my sister were living elsewhere and I was living at my dad's house. My dad was out a lot. He was dating, keeping himself busy, and he was in a relationship at the time. I had never met this woman, don't know her name, don't want to know her name, just minding my own business. Did you stay with him while you were going to college

or something? This was six years ago? I was still living at home while I was in university and my mom left and took my sister and didn't tell me. Oh. So I was just left at home. Oh wow, that's really intense. So I was basically his babysitter,

for lack of a better word. On this particular day, he was home. And second sim thing, me and my friend, who's now my roommate, we were actually planning to start a podcast of our own. Wow. Oh, wow. Okay. Inspired by what?

What were you listening to then? Anna Faris or something? Us? No way. Us, us, us, oh wow. It sounded like you were fishing. This story feels too long ago for us to play a role in it. But we had just started. Yeah, a couple months in.

So I'm listening to you guys and I'm going to her and I'm having all these conversations and I'm like, oh, this is my jam because I'm a literary theory major. Ooh. Okay. I had just graduated. I just got my BA at the time. I'm like, okay, we're gonna start a podcast. We had a name picked out. We're ready to go buy the equipment

I'm about to walk out the door and my dad is like I want to buy you a grad ring right now What's a grad ring graduation ring? Oh having just graduated college. He's a jewelry jewelry. Okay Yeah, and he had never mentioned this to me before never knew that this was a thing But he's probably an impulsive guy. So you're used to this. Yeah. And I'm like, okay, well, I don't know what else he's going to get up to. So I guess we're going to the mall.

So I call my friend and I'm like, okay, change of plans. We'll pick you up. We're going to the mall and then on our way home, we can go and pick up the microphones and never ended up happening. We have not purchased the microphones completely. So this is the sim part. This is sad. The story made it to a podcast.

So we've come full circle. This is like a life altering story. It was. I don't even know how it threw absolutely everything out the window, but it did. We might've been calling into your show today. Yeah. We're going to the mall and he drives us and he parks in the underground parcade.

We end up shopping and the mall's about to close. So it's like 30 minutes to closing and we got to make our way back to the parcade. And we're on the second floor. So we walk to the elevator and we're waiting at the elevator. Me, my friend, Kayleen, and my dad. There's two other women who are also there waiting at the elevator, me, my friend Kayleen, and my dad. There's two other women who are also there waiting for the elevator. Now the three of us are relatively tall, especially me, like six feet. These ladies are pretty petite and so they go into the elevator first and then the three of us follow

them in and both of them push the buttons on the elevator. So there's an older woman and she pushes P2 and the younger woman pushes P1. Quick question, are they together? They're not together. So the younger one pushes P1, which is the level that we're going to get off on. We don't end up having to push it.

So we get down to P1, this younger woman walks out of the elevator. When you exit, it's like a lobby. And so she goes towards the doors that are on the left. When you exit, it's like a lobby. And so she goes towards the doors that are on the left. And then we walk in a line. So it's my friend, then myself, then my dad, and we all walk out to the right-hand side. And you walk out these automatic doors, and then you have a couple steps down to be level with the parquet floor. So we're chit chatting as we're walking. Then all of a sudden I get this yank on my sweater from behind and I'm like, what the

hell? And so I'm like, I don't know if my dad's trying to rough house me. So I like go to turn around and I see him just standing there frozen and the woman is standing at the top of the stairs. So then he starts kind of stammering. He's like, why did you do that? What the fuck is wrong with you? And I'm like, what just happened?

And he turns around and he faces me and he goes, she just fucking stabbed me. What? What? What? Wait, what? What? What?

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to learn more. Tap the banner or visit this episode's page to learn more. The little gal who had gone to the lab. And she was young. Came and stabbed your dad quickly and then ran up the stairs? I think she was on the stairs the whole time. Oh, oh, oh. And so like as he's walking down the stairs, because she's small and he's tall. Oh. So it's like the level difference.

Oh, just the two little stairs. Yeah. He kind of like touches his neck and looks at his hands. And I see the squirting out of his neck of the blood. No. And she's still there. She's staring. She's just standing there, completely unfazed.

And he's starting to get hysterical. He's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why would you do that? You just stabbed me. What the hell? Oh my God. So he holds his neck and then I turn around to look at my friend.

She looks shocked and then I start feeling more shocked. So we're all hysterical at this point. Yeah. Can you see the weapon or object? Well, she's standing with her arms down. So I think it was like a pocket knife. It wasn't anything huge. She just turns around and walks away.

Oh, what? Oh my God. Then my dad gets really angry and he was like, you're not getting away with this. Come back here. And he starts running after her. Yeah. Uh huh. He chases her back into the lobby.

They go down the stairs into the lower parcade. Okay. And we're like, dad, stop. Like he's bleeding everywhere. And I'm trying to call the cops, but I just keep hitting like call dad on my phone because I don't know what I'm trying to call the cops, but I just keep hitting like call dad on my phone because I don't know what I'm doing we get down to the lower parcade and We're in the lobby and the woman runs out into the parkade and finally my dad stops

We end up seeing the older woman who was in the elevator with us and we're like get out of the parkade There's a stabber on the man. Oh my god So she comes back in with us we go up to the original floor, and I'm finally able to call 911. And they arrive pretty quickly, within a couple minutes. The ambulance takes a little bit longer to show up for us. And I think there's like at least two or three cop cars

who show up, and one of them goes down to the lower one. They take off on their bikes and they end up catching her down in the lower parquet. Oh, on their bikes and they end up catching her down in the lower parking. Oh, the bike cops have been living for this moment because they're so dorky. They've relegated to bicycles in a mall and they don't get any action and they finally got to tear off on their bicycles. Big day. And I think too, when they came up to say they got her, the cop had like dust on his knees and so my dad's like, did she fall down? And he's like, a little bit. They kind of

like tackled her. Of course. All that adrenaline after pedaling those bikes. What if really he just fell off his bike? That could have happened too. First time in a high speed bike case. He's like, no, I tackled her. From him really high. Definitely wasn't that I just fell. So at this point, my dad's fine aside from actively bleeding. I take his phone and I'm like,

I got to start calling people and telling them to meet us at the hospital. And he forbids me from calling my sister or my mom. And they're the only two people that I want to call. You're not going to call his bar buddies or anything. No, but I did. Oh, okay. I call his friends and I call my grandma and I'm like, okay, everybody meet us at the hospital.

The ambulance shows up. My dad's about to leave and he's like, one more thing. You got to call my girlfriend. So I call and I'm like, hi, I'm your boyfriend's daughter and he just got stabbed in the neck and he would like you to come and meet us at the hospital. See you soon. Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow. Nice to meet you. Luckily, she was a lovely lady and we're still friends to this day. Oh, that's nice. Wow. Nice to meet you. Luckily, she was a lovely lady and we're still friends to this day.

Oh, that's nice. Good. Yeah. So then he gets taken off in the ambulance. Me and my friend drive his car to the hospital. My dad's in the ER. He didn't end up needing any surgery, but the knife just nicked his jugular. Oh my God.

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And then at this point is when we get an full update from the cops. And the reason that they were there so quickly is because he wasn't the first victim. Oh! He was number three. Number three of a stabbing spree?

And second location. What? What the fuck? Wait. Well, this is comforting because it's always a guy. I'm almost relieved that there's finally a woman out there stabbing people. And she was tiny.

Yeah, although she may be. Tiny but mighty, my God. And she was aloof. Something was obviously wrong with her. Can you describe more things about her? Only two things that I remember in the elevator. She was in sandals and she looked a little dirty and something tie-dye.

So hippie vibes almost. Yeah. Her history come to find out after is like 10 years long of other assaults and violent things. Whoa. And she's just found not criminally responsible because she's not mentally well, but we don't have the resources to actually

provide proper housing and care and support. So it's like, oh, well, just- It sounds like schizophrenic where she thinks she's fighting for her life. Like paranoia. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. What actually happened, she's at a plaza across the street at like a Vietnamese restaurant. Uh-huh, Vietnamese.

I don't know the actual backstory of how it all happened, but she stabbed I think a waitress first. Jesus! And then walked out into the parking lot, stabbed some guy. Oh my god. Wow! She's ballsy too. So then she walks across the street to the department store of the mall, somehow comes upstairs, walks through the mall and to our elevator. And then like I said, she pushed P1. I don't know where she was going. Right. So it wasn't like she had necessarily targeted your dad initially. Totally random. And I mean, all in all afterwards, we're like, that was best case scenario. Had she stabbed myself, my friend, or the other older little woman, I don't think we would have

made it. We've all got tiny necks. He's got a big neck. That's so true. Oh my God. Talk about wrong place, wrong time. Okay. So I feel a little bit vindicated because my first reaction is like, if I'm your dad and I get stabbed by her, yeah, I'm going after her right away and I'm going

to kick her in the back as she's running. Cause she's holding a weapon. I'm going to kick her in the back and knock her down. And then I'm going to stand on her wrist that she's holding a weapon. I'm gonna kick her in the back and knock her down. And then I'm gonna stand on her wrist that she's holding the knife in her back neck. So the cops get there. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, because she'll die if you stand on her.

She's so small. Because if the first person who dealt with this had done that, they would have saved two more stabbing victims. But don't you think if you just stood on her wrist, like that'd be enough? No, I would stand on her body too. Really?

She deserves that, yes. She just stabbed me in the neck. Can you just lay on her body? No, I don't wanna her body too. Really? She deserves that. She just stabbed me in the neck. Can you just lay on her body? No, I don't wanna, I just want my shoes to touch her. Okay. You know, you could say like, well, you're nuts to go after somebody, but you could also prevent two more people.

It's true, it's true. Now there's one more twist to this story. Oh my God. Your dad had been fucking her for a month. I did at first. I did at first think it was a scorned girlfriend. The new girlfriend that she hadn't met. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My dad, when we're in the ER, he starts talking about what the experience was like and what it felt like. And he said, originally, it just felt like a really hard punch in the neck. So he didn't realize immediately. That's why he was like, what the fuck did you do? Why did you do that?

And then he stopped and looked at me and was like, I've been stabbed. So the reason he knew is because 50 years ago, my grandmother lived alone with my dad when he was really young in an apartment. And in the middle of the night one night, somebody broke into her apartment. She woke up not while this person was there.

And she was like, I'm all wet. And she gets out of bed. And she looks down, and she's been laying in a pool of her own blood. Oh my God. Luckily she had a neighbor who was a cop. So she goes to the neighbor and is like, I need help. And-

He jumped on his bike. Sorry, not a good time for a joke. Someone had broken in. They never caught who did it, but they had cut her neck. No fucking way. No wonder your dad's struggling. That's really traumatic for a little boy. You can't be a single mom.

Yeah. She gets her throat slashed and you walk out of it with no problems. Honestly, I'd never heard him talk about seeing anything. I'd heard the story from her and I think she asked the cop to take care of my son and get him out of here. And she ended up needing reparative surgery

because hers was much more severe. But she described it as having air flowing through her neck. Oh. So when my dad, like I said, he felt the punch, and then he just felt air. And he was like, that is how I knew. That's a clue to man. Oh my God, it's hereditary.

You got to wear a neck guard. I's a clue to men. Oh my God, it's hereditary. You gotta wear a neck guard. I need you to be careful. No, I mean, truly, the odds of two family members both getting stabbed in the neck in a lifetime, they might be the only mother son. Knock on wood, the wood I like. But how, who's gonna? Just, I don't know.

Okay, just knock on, I'm knocking on wood. Yeah, that's impossible. Yeah. Wow, that's really traumatic. What happened with the lady? Did she go to jail? No, they arrested her and held her for the minimum amount of days,

but again, not criminally responsible. So put her back to her group home, I think, and carry on. That's not great. It's not the most comforting thought. No, it's not. Mental illnesses aside, if you're committing assault because of the mental illness, you still gotta be away.

Yeah, 100%, you're dangerous. Like I understand the concept, like you can committing assault because of the mental illness, you still got to be away. Yeah, 100%! You're dangerous. Like, I understand the concept, like you can't try them for first degree because it's not premeditated. It does not meet the requirement of first degree. I get all that. But there has to be still some lengthy sentencing for non-premeditated. The whole point is to protect the masses and that's not doing that. This person has a problem. There's just not enough resources. Edmonton holds all of the NCR, not criminal responsible beds for all of Alberta

and all of Northern Canada. So they just don't even have the capacity to keep everybody. If I had a single wish of this whole story is that your father had been super Canadian about it and said like, oh, it appears you've stabbed my neck. Sorry I got in your way. Oh, sorry. What a story.

So you get a very Detroit reaction. Well, a very human one. Yeah. Jessica, thanks for telling us that. Yeah, that was wild. Of course. It was so lovely to meet you guys. I'm so excited to have this opportunity.

I'm really sorry the podcast never got up and running. All you were trying to do is make a podcast. But I got on one, so it's okay. It all worked out. Yeah, sorta. I admire you both so much, like your honesty and your humor and everything. And I said to myself, I hope that you guys are doing this in five to 10 years,

because I'm very hesitant about pursuing my ambitions, but the idea of potentially making it to the attic to be an expert is like a big incentive. Oh, you must do it. That'd be Sim on top of Sim on top of Sim. I would. And we live for the Sim. Thank you Ashok.

All right, Jessica, so nice meeting you. Take care. Oh my God. Randomly getting stabbed in the neck. Geez, by a little old lady. I mean, little young lady. Little young lady, little mighty. Little Monica. You might do that to somebody.

Yeah, let's call it what it is. A Monica type. What if they came full circle and the woman that was stabbed at the Vietnamese restaurant had just served a young boy Jay some tainted noodles. Oh my God. And he was like independently out shitting his pants. I would love that.

Hello. Hello. Hi. You're like in a proper sound booth. I work at an art college and so they have a sound booth. Students have been leaving so I was able to sneak in here. I just dig this environment. I wanna sit in that room kinda. It's really warm.

Oh. It's maybe 90 degrees. Oh boy, okay. Where at in the world? In the Boston area. Okay, and we're gonna use a code name for you. Yeah, so I was hoping that you could come up with a name. What do you think?

Jade. Jade, I like that. Can you live with Jade? I absolutely can. All right, you look like a Jade I knew from high school. Same! No! I'm serious. Oh my God, look like a Jade I knew from high school. Same! No! I'm serious.

Oh my God, did you meet her at the mall? Yes! So Jade, where and when does this story take place? So it takes place at north of Boston. It is 2003. So I was in like my mid teens, thin clack to eyebrows, low cut jeans, like it was Tech Monica. Oh, I know it.

I know it well. You were 16 and 03? Yeah, I was probably 15. The story is when I was 15. What kind of mall? Big mall, small mall, fancy mall, shitty mall. Mid level mall, there was a gap. Abercrombie wouldn't go into it,

but there was a Hollister, a Victoria Secret, and Macy's and Sears. Classic. JC Penney's? No. They had Sears. Sears and Roebuck, great trusted brand. Okay.

So what happened? Okay, so I was sort of the teenager that wasn't really cool, I was a little quirky, so I really wanted to work at the mall because working at a mall is like every teenager's dream. And I had jobs in the past. I was a babysitter and I worked at an ice cream shop, but the mall, it was fairly new at the time. That was the cool place. Like we used to go as kids and just walk around in circles and

circles. So getting a job there was amazing because I wasn't super cool. I was really boring and I almost was like to the point that it was annoying. I ended up getting a job not at Hollister or Air Postal, which were super cool at the time. I worked at a greeting card store. Hold on a second. The second person we've talked to that worked at a greeting card store, which is hysterical.

And you are pointing out that I think those shops in the malls were like casting. There was definitely a mandate like hire cute girls because girls are coming in and they want to see something aspirational. Like they're definitely casting those. Yes, you're not going to be seeing a lot of cute boys. They're not going to be running through

looking for stationary. If they did, it was for their girlfriend for Valentine's day. So it was a fun job. We weren't busy because it's a car chop and the only time we were busy was during holidays. And it was like four days before the holidays. And then the store was completely empty.

I actually got two of my best friends from high school jobs there. So it was a really good time because we were always working and we were in high school. So the night and weekend shifts were for us. So like we were always there, always together. Closing, we made friends with some of the employees and like the stores in the circle that our store was in. So it was this really cool place. And so I was 15. There was no responsibilities. Things started to go downhill at this job when they made me a key holder. Oh, fuck, I've been there. Yeah. So there's power in it, Monica. And you know, because I was 15 and I think that this could also be

sort of a warning, don't give a 15 year old responsibility of an entire store. Okay. Sure. The key holder is responsible for opening and closing the store? Yeah, so I was sort of in charge of the shift and then I had to cash out at the end of the night, count the money, deposit the money, close the shop.

So I had a key to the store. Basically night, count the money, deposit the money, close the shop. So I had a key to the store. Basically I was the person in charge. This is so comical, it does remind me where I'm from. Because we live in LA and young kids don't work. There's a huge workforce here and you just don't see young kids running places. But I'll go back to Detroit

and go into a gas station at 2 a.m. And there's a 14 or 15 year old child running the gas station. And so that's this, a 15 year old shouldn't be counting the till. Or maybe they should, I'm not actually saying that. I just think it's funny. But it is a lot of responsibility.

It's a lot of responsibility and I didn't really know what responsibility meant. I was kind of sheltered. I didn't have that experience in the world yet but because it was a slightly small store, I was working shifts with my friends. So it was like me and either one or both of them on the shift because nobody else wanted to work the nights and weekends. So it was us. They were like, okay, these kids want to work. But she seems the most responsible. So we're just going to let her be in charge.

So this store also sells candy and trinkets and all of these small things. So it's not just greeting cards. I had been working there for a little while and at the beginning, they're already taking greeting cards every once in a while and there was a candy kiosk. And I was like Swedish fish, sour ropes. It starts small. Really small. And so that was sort of how like, Swedish fish, sour ropes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It starts small. Really small. And so that was sort of how it started.

Yes, of course. And then it evolved and it really evolved in a way that I'm still horrified by and I can't believe I get like knots in my stomach when I think about it. But our back room sort of for context, and this adds to my decision making process, was so messy. So they had collectible dolls, and I can't remember what they were called.

Precious moments. Yes, yes. Oh my god, you did. In addition to a couple of the other ones where it looks like wooden carvings with wings and stuff. So they had those, but when we put them on display, the boxes were just tossed in the back room. So there was a whole section that was just piles of boxes on the ground.

Like there was no organization to it. I will say you are culpable and responsible for your theft, but there's a chapter in a Gladwell book about this, or maybe it's Freakonomics about cleaning the graffiti lowers crime all around because you know, you're being watched. Right? There's like subliminal signals you receive. So the management is not taking care of their business at all. The place is a fucking mess.

Right. They're like 15 year olds. Yes. You're subtly receiving that the culture of this place is that no one gives a fuck. Yeah, that's really true. If there's piles of boxes, they're not going to notice that a few trinkets go missing. Of course.

So I start taking things that are bigger than a card or candy and it's the collectible items, the trinkets, the things that say mom and dad and brother and stuffed animals and like it's excessive. There's like music boxes and jewelry holders and clocks and display things and it's constant. It's like a disease I can't stop doing. This is fascinating. And so every single holiday, whether it was a birthday, Christmas or St. Patrick's Day,

I would give my whole family gifts from this store that I just stole. And so they were like, you're so generous. This is amazing. My mom is really sentimental, so she loves them. They all say these wonderful phrases. They still have them. Oh no, taunting you.

This could be like a Todd Salandans movie or some really artful director movie. Happiness and okay. So I'm taking stuff left and right. My friends who work there also do it, but not to the level that I did. I was like, I'm in charge. I can do whatever I want.

They would take a piece here or there, but we would also have friends into the store, whether it's like boyfriends or good friends or people from other stores, like visitors, that we would sort of let them take stuff from us. Yeah, okay. I have a question, because you gave a lot of these things away as presents,

but did you also- Return them at different locations to get money? No, no, no, no. I mean, were you getting high off the stealing or were you doing it to give presents? No, no, no, no. I mean, were you getting high off the stealing or were you doing it to give presents? I was doing it to give presents. It's Mother's Day, I need a gift. It's readily available right here

and it happens to be free. Right. Yes, yes. So it wasn't like you just in your closet at home had so much stuff that you had taken cause you wanted to take. Cause that's a big narcolepsy slash kleptomania thing. Kleptomaniac, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's just the narcolepsy slash kleptomania thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where it's just the taking. This is reminding me of another armchair anonymous we had where somehow a kid got like a code for shoes to order. And he gave it to people and people were like a thousand pairs of shoes. These things get out of control quickly. The notion that all your friends are coming by to steal shit too is fucking hysterical.

I think there was no responsibility understanding. It was just completely out of my head. So that wasn't where it ended. And Dax, you mentioned returning it at other places. And I never did that because I had a limit, but I eventually started making fake returns. I think something that's important. I don't know what the consequences were.

I was 15. I didn't understand what was happening. The back room was a mess. We had fake returns. I think something that's important. I don't know what the consequences were. I was 15, I didn't understand what was happening. The back room was a mess. We had fake cameras. Nobody had ever been in to check on me and my 15 year old friends when we were working there. Like there was no oversights. Nobody distinctly said, don't take these. Listen, you're talking to the wrong guy

if you think I'm gonna be judging your morals right now. This is all about being 15. Motor on. Don't even worry about that. Cash registers were not advanced. It was not computerized. It was a handwritten return. And so what I would do is I would do a fake return.

If you didn't have the receipt, you had to fill out a special form. At the time, I didn't know that you were supposed to use people's driver's license. So like if you did a return without a receipt, I would take your driver's license information and then you would get the cash back. I would fill out the form without the driver's license information. I would take an item from the shelf, mush it up a little bit and put it in a different spot to make it look kind of real. But I was also using names of boys that I went to high school with. And I don't know why. I was using these boys who were in my class. That was the name of all of the people that returned stuff,

because I also thought it was funny that they were returning stuffed animals of like Disney and Hello Kitty figurines. You're living in your own little world. There's a whole lot happening. I really, really have all the things I've ever heard that I think Monique, this could have happened to you. I feel like this is the one. 100 percent. It could have gotten out of hand quick for me as well.

My friends knew that this was happening because sometimes if I were by myself, it wouldn't be a big deal. But if my friends were there, we would return enough to get money. We would buy food from like a pizza shop. It would be like a feast of mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, subs.

And we would just eat it behind the counter. We weren't doing this to make a profit, but we would also buy pot from the guy that worked at the sunglass kiosk out front. This is heaven, man. We would all just leave our stores and smoke behind. This should be a TV show. That's what I'm saying. There's a really funny movie here.

It was, I guess, a little exhilarating at that point. Because I wasn't cool, maybe this made me edgy and cool in a way. I was sort of living off of that. We did that for a while. Like I would say longer than I probably should have. One of my shifts happened to be during inventory. So the district manager was there.

There were a ton of people counting items. They were cleaning up the messy back room. And so I go in for the shift and I say hi to everybody. And I'm like, just acting like nothing's wrong. Are you nervous? Or you're like, they're never going to discover this. They don't know what the fuck's happening here. I think I was nervous because I knew I was doing something wrong.

But to me, how I had done it was foolproof. Right. They could have never discovered. I did it the right way, but I made the stupid mistake of everybody was in the back room counting and I was like, I'm still gonna do a fake return. Oh, ballsy. It was just stupid. Yeah, but also ballsy.

Really quick, you always read the headline of things or you hear about the headline of things. Like someone will go like, yeah, they were having a fair, they were having sex on the bed of the thing. You're like, well, I promise you didn't start there. Right. Like it's just these little baby steps. And then these thefts are little baby steps, all these little baby steps.

And then you end up at a place where it is a shocking, I'm committing the crime while they're there. Yeah. There was a big Hello Kitty doll directly in view of the cash register. And I had been working there enough that I knew the codes and whatnot. And so I quickly did a fake return for that Hello Kitty doll. I didn't move it, I didn't touch it.

I just did the return, pocketed the cash, and that was it. And then the manager came out and she just happened to look at the receipts and she was like, well, what happened? Did somebody do a return? And I was like, yep, it was really fast. They came in and they returned it. And so I just made up the worst excuse. Like if I ever heard what I had said, it was really fast. They came in and they returned it. And so I just made up the worst excuse.

Like if I ever heard what I had said, it was just nonsense. My shift goes and then the next day, they're still doing inventory. I have another shift and I go in. And within minutes, they're like, Jade, your mom's on the phone. You can take it in the back room, no worries.

And so I was like, okay, I'll go talk to my mom. This place is just your clubhouse. It's not your job. I'd be so scared if I was like, my mom's calling go talk to my mom. This place is just your clubhouse. It's not your job. I'd be so scared if I was at my mom's calling. I'm also naive and gullible. I just walk around in life with no clue. So I go in the back and the phone's off the hook

and there is somebody on the phone for me, but it's the loss prevention guy from this company who was there to talk with me. And next to the phone was a stack of all of the fake returns that I had done. And so I sat on the phone with him for an hour and we had to go through every single one. And it was like, did you make this fake return?

I had to explain who the person was, which was like all of the boys from high school. I had to explain that they didn't exist. They weren't real. I was just using fake names. You were being honest. You came clean immediately. I'm a bad liar.

There was no way I would have been able to ever continue this route. So we went through all of them. And at some point, one of the slips, I was like, this isn't my handwriting. This wasn't me, but it was a fake return. And it turned out that it was my assistant manager and so they then caught him doing a number of fake returns. Oh my god. I was immediately fired

obviously and I really just remember like running across the hall to the TJ Maxx. I went into the bathroom and I called my two friends who worked there and I told them the story. I was running across the hall to the TJ Maxx. I went into the bathroom and I called my two friends who worked there and I told them the story. I was panicked. I was like, if you go in, you're gonna get in trouble and you're gonna get fired. And they're like, well, we're just never going back to work. So they just never showed up for another shift.

And it turns out the entire store was fired. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It was like four or $5,000. Wow, wow, oh my, and just you and all these other people were doing it too. At a card shop, they are not making enough money for this. No, they were not making enough to pay for what the employees were taking out of the place every night. Wow. Using it like an ATM. I'm kind of hung up on that the manager lied to you

that it was your mom on the phone. Really? Kind of. That's so passive aggressive. The manager should have said like, hey, we need to talk to you about what's been going on. Maybe they were afraid that she would run out the front of the store. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

Just fucking split. Were you able to never tell your mom why you were no longer working there? A hundred percent. They never called her. No. Again, there's no due diligence at this fucking place. Yeah. I mean, minimally, it's nice enough they didn't press charges, but then they didn't even call your parents.

Yeah, you're a minor. I don't want to say they deserved it, but I feel like they deserved it a little bit. Yeah. I mean, I had a punishment. And so basically, because I was so young and because essentially it kind of was their fault, because I should not have been in a leadership position to begin with, I wasn't even old enough to drive a car. So they basically were like,

okay, we're not gonna tell your parents, we're not gonna get the police involved, we're not going to press charges. As long as you pay the money back over time, that's totally fine. And so I had every intention of paying the money back. I was going to do it. And so I went and I brought a hundred dollar cashier's check

like a few weeks later, I had made money. I had gotten another job in the same mall. I ended up having like four or five other jobs in that mall. Did you steal from all of those as well? I haven't stolen at all since then. That was like the one and only rebellious part. You had to get it out of your sister. Well, good.

I'm glad you didn't because you got a taste for it. So I brought in a hundred dollar cashier's check and it didn't seem very serious. The woman who took the money was like, hey, I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'll see you soon. And so I was like. What happened to you?

Okay. And so I just stopped going. Yeah, I am surprised you don't keep stealing because it went really well for you actually. Oh my God. They didn't even want the money back. Probably the same reason I started stealing was the reason I stopped giving them money back.

And then like because I knew it was wrong and it was scary and I felt really guilty and I've been haunted because eventually that store and the whole company went bankrupt and I was like, it's my fault. Well, their management is their fault. They do not have a good system in place. That's the thing is they cut a corner.'re like we only want to pay four dollars an hour instead of bringing an adult in there with some experience. It's probably illegal to have a kid as a key holder I mean that's probably why they couldn't really do much

about it and so then they were just like just pay it back and they can't really track it because they were doing something. Well they all left and they went to another store and figured out it was happening at that store too I mean everyone was overwhelmed with how unsalvageable this whole place was. I still have never told my parents. If they found out, like I'm in my late 30s, then I would still die. I would be so horrified if they ever found out. They might like it. No. Okay. They wouldn't. You know them better than I do. Yeah. They still have them displayed as these sweet, sweet gifts. Oh, mom's still wearing the mom walkie.

Well, Jade, delight meeting you. That story was wonderful. God, did that amuse me. Thank you so much for telling us that. Take care. Bye. Bye. That's so funny, huh? Out of control, it just got.

Yeah, I get it. That was great. That was wonderful. Malls, everyone go shopping today. It does make me really wanna go to the mall hearing these stories. And even though you hate shopping. You know, quickly my brother, he worked at a toy store and he closed.

You would pull a gate down like a garage door, but it was a grid. And next to the toy store he worked at was a record shop. Oh yeah, you do something. And so the toy store, I already told you this, they sold train track for hobby trains. It was flexible track and he would tape a bunch of masking tape around the end. And he would put it through the grate and everything that was in like the discounted tape bin, he would just grab tape after tape and he'd steal like a

dozen, 20 tapes. Really smart. You can't resist. No one's there. No one's looking. You're like, let's be naughty. I hate to encourage people to steal. No, we're not encouraging people to steal you might take down a business So just be careful. All right. Love you. Love you Do you wanna sing a tune or something

We don't have a song for this new show so here I go go go Okay, great.