Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Resolutions

Episode Date: January 19, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a resolution gone bad. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Resolutions. Resolutions gone bad. I have to suspect that some people now at this point, the third weekend to the new year,

have already experienced some trials and tribulations. Yeah, these are fun. Of course, they're not just that the resolution didn't come to fruition. Sometimes in pursuit of the resolution. Bad shit goes down. Craziness happens. Did I say that right or is that an acorn? Trials and tribulations.

Is it tribulations? Yeah. Okay, great. I said it right even though I don't know what tribulations means and it sounds. I mean, I know it's a test. Yeah. Although no one uses it. You're right.

No one says. You wouldn't use it out of that context. Yeah. I had a big tribulation yesterday. Right. I'm going to start saying it. Okay. Let's try to get it into vogue.

Please enjoy Resolutions Gone Bad. Hard times come and go. Good times take them slow. My life, I had them all But one thing You gotta know I'ma keep on shining Hello, Doug.

Can you hear us? I totally can, yeah. Where are you at? I'm in Santa Clarita and I'm in a little blanket for... It looks great. It looks like... A set? I'm in a little blanket fort. It looks great. It looks like- A set?

I was going to say a movie theater. It turned out pretty good. A little close to a set. They're different, but they both have to do with movies. They're related. And you're up in Santa Clarita. I ride dirt bikes there quite a bit. Awesome.

So you have a resolution gone bad, and timing couldn't be better. I do have a resolution that went definitely not the way it was supposed to. Okay. All right. Please, Doug, tell us. All right. and be better? I do have a resolution that went definitely not the way it was supposed to. Okay. Please, Doug, tell us. All right. So right off the bat, it's some context. My job is actually really busy during January and February. So stress is not uncommon during these months. And the other thing is I was born with a heart condition. I've had it my entire life. I go to the doctors about every six months to a year to get everything checked out. So I'm usually pretty on top of things. So January 2022 comes around. And I'm not a big New Year's resolution guy, but my wife wanted to try dry January.

That's been pretty popular. Sure, sure, sure. So she did dry January and she felt great. She lost a little bit of weight. You know, all the things that happen when you don't drink every day. Yeah, sure. Her sleep got better. Memory improved. She lost a little bit of weight. You know, all the things that happen when you don't drink every day. Yeah. Her sleep got better. Memory improved.

I'm a pretty competitive guy, so not to be outdone. You know what? Here comes dry February. And on top of that, I'm going to change my eating habits. Not going to go out to eat as much. I'm going to blow the pants off of her. So everything's going good. I'm not drinking. Started feeling a little bit

more tired, which I thought was kind of odd because that's supposed to be the opposite. And another thing I noticed was a little bit of night sweats, which I'd never had before, but I kind of just chalked it up to getting up to the older ages. At the time I was 37. So getting older, I figured it was part of it. But all those things didn't really make a difference to me because it was like middle of Februarybruary and i'd already lost about 30 pounds wow 30 pounds in 15 days yeah that feels not right yeah i'm not your gp but i started out at 165 oh no and at the time because i'm like i'm gonna kick my wife's ass at this. I'm like, heck yeah, I'm doing it. Is she getting concerned once you've gone down 30 pounds?

Correct. She starts getting a little worried. Like, yeah, I can't be right. Yeah. And you're like, suck it. You just can't handle my wind. Yeah. You're a sore loser.

Exactly. Exactly. So then I started noticing, we live in a two-story house going up the stairs just to go to bed. I'm starting to get winded. All of a sudden, everywhere is cold. I need a jacket. I need a robe. I need socks.

Oh, God. This can't be right. This is so weird. Yeah, this not drinking is killing you. That's what would happen to me if I stopped. And then even during the night sweats, my wife would feel my chest. And my chest would be maybe 100 degrees or so. But then you feel my forehead felt totally fine. Whoa. Again, I'm just thinking, okay, must be busy at work, all the

stress plus the diet and not drinking. Again, the not drinking is popping up in my head going, what the heck? Yeah. You have dangerous correlation. Exactly. So it all kind of culminated. My family took a vacation. We were on the way back. We're sitting in stop and go traffic. And I hadn't told her, but I was feeling a little sleepy. So I probably shouldn't have been driving. But we were driving, stop-and-go traffic. And I ended up falling asleep for half a second or a second or so, enough to end up hitting the car in front of me at like four miles an hour.

It wasn't anything ridiculous. But still, obviously, my wife's looking at me like, what the hell is wrong with you? Can I pause you for half a second? This is the exact same order of events for aaron when i went and saw him in the hospital you remember when i was so rung up he actually stopped drinking which he had never done he was losing weight he couldn't breathe he coughed so bad in his truck he passed out crashed his truck okay this sounds this sounds familiar. Continue. Yeah, so the coughing thing too as well.

So every morning I get up, get in the shower, and I just go through this coughing thing. Something I just didn't think about. Anyways, the car thing happened. I got home and my wife basically told me, you need to go see your cardiologist. Something has to be up. This isn't normal. So I did that. Somehow I got in two days later to see my primary cardiologist. Told them everything that was happening. And they were visibly concerned, obviously,

with my background. So they encouraged me to go downstairs. This was at UCLA. So I went downstairs to the UCLA Blood Works Center. They had me draw the most blood that I've ever taken in my entire life. We're talking like four Tabasco-sized bottles of blood. In addition to like another three or four ounces, there's probably four of those. The vials. Oh. And I'm looking at the lady and asking her like, how much blood are you going to take? Am I going to pass out? And she's like, oh, you'll be fine. So I go back up to the doctor and they tell me, okay, we're going to need about three to four days just to check over everything. Not even 24 hours later, my specific cardiologist calls me, not even somebody else. My cardiologist calls me directly and says, we're pretty sure you have endocarditis

and you need to get to the ER immediately. Oh God. Stop what you're doing right now. Come down to UCLA. We're going to admit you into the hospital. We need to figure this out because it's messing up your aortic valve. Your biggest valve. And I'm like freaking out. I call my wife. I know what she's thinking. I told you so. Yeah. You went into this to beat her at drinking and here you are again. She's got the upper hand. And here I am. Got to go down to UCLA. Welcome to marriage. So yeah, I ended up going down. They admitted me. I ended up staying in a hospital for about five or six days so five six days later i'm cleared they send me home i have to get a pick line which i don't know if you guys know what a pick line i had one yeah i had one for a couple months but for people who don't know oh yeah it's a direct line into your vein that they

then push as close to your heart as they can get? They push it into your arm. A physical tube goes all the way into basically the start of the aortic valve. That was insane. And then as it turns out, in discovering all this, my doctors figured out that it was time to go ahead and just have heart surgery. Oh, wow. When you're at your strongest. Yeah. You're hanging on by a thread.

It's time to open you up, Doug. Yeah. So six weeks of antibiotics later, which my wife administered because she loves me. It can be fun to do. I trained my kids to do it. They got a bang out of it. Oh, nice. Two months after all of this happened, I had my open heart surgery.

And all this kind of happened because, oh, let's do dry February. Yeah. Just to beat my wife. That's insane. Well, let's be clear. It did not cause any of this. Yeah. Just to beat my wife. That's insane. Well, let's be clear. It did not cause any of this. Correct. It wasn't the cause, but it definitely overshadowed everything. It led to the lack of checking it out early though. Cause you just thought it was that. Yes. You probably would have been in there a week or two earlier. Whoa. Yeah, that's crazy.

So when you have endocrinitis, so it's an infection in your what? Pituitary gland or something? Endocrinitis is actually an infection in your heart. In your heart. Okay. Specifically in your heart. So my aortic valve, the infection was kind of building actually. And as the infection builds, it corrodes the valve.

So all this was happening. And basically my body was saying, let's figure this out and forget everything else. That's why I was sorodes the valve. So all this was happening. And basically my body was saying, let's figure this out and forget everything else. That's why I was so cold all the time. Yeah. Oh, wow. Dude. That's crazy. Did you make one this year or you'll never make a resolution again? No, I did not. You learned your lesson. Wow. resolutions for you. Wow, wow, wow. That definitely qualified for resolutions gone bad. Well, Doug, great meeting you. That's a terrible story you told us, which, of course, is a great story for us. Thanks for sharing it.

Yeah, no problem. Good luck this year, despite having no resolutions. And I hope everything was successful and you carry on with any more challenges. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. Oh.

That's a lot. carry on with any more challenges. Thank you. All right. Take care. Bye. Oh. That's a lot. I hope that's the only one of these that has that. That has blood? Did she pick four exactly like that? That has someone's health completely failing because of the resolution. I want them all to be that. Oh, my God.

You're a perverse. You're a pervert. You're a perverted. Do you have any resolutions gone bad? I'll try to think of one during the next one. Okay. Mani and Ani? It's me. I'm calling. I got to go. I'll be to think of one during the next one. Okay. Monty and Ani. It's me.

I'm calling. I gotta go. I'll be right back. Oh my God, you step into the closet. Hello. Hi. Help me pronounce your name. There's so many letters together that I can't make heads, tails of.

It's Ani. It is Ani. That's what Dax thought. Yeah. Well, that's what Rob thought too. I want to give him credit. Okay. That's what Rob and Dax thought.

Ani. Good job. You did it. Lovely. Where are you, Ani? I'm in Massachusetts, like north of Boston. And you've got some blankets draped up, which is very nice. My husband assured me this was acceptable.

I'm not in my closet. That works perfect. It's totally fine. So you have a resolution that went terribly wrong. I do. Yes. It's totally fine. So you have a resolution that went terribly wrong. I do, yes. For the purposes of the story, I'm going to call the other main character John. Okay, great. I didn't ask him if this was okay, so I'm going to keep him anonymous. So this was New Year's

Eve 2007 into 2008, my sophomore year of college. But we're around the same age. Yeah, we are. So to give some background, this man, John, I met my freshman year. It was one of those immediate attraction, you know, college parties, always seeing each other, making out. Take me back. Always drunk, right?

You know, always at the end of the night. And this went on for some time. We kind of tried to give it a go as a, I wouldn't even say couple, that's way too strong, but we had tried to make it work and it clearly wasn't going to be anything serious. So at New Year's Eve, I said, okay, I'm not going to have sex with John in 2008. This is going to be my resolution. Okay. Till he puts a ring on it. Exactly. Which was definitely not happening. So we're spending New Year's Eve at his brother's house. His brother had graduated, but he was still in our friend group. And he had gotten this house from his grandmother that he was completely remodeling.

And the only reason that's important to the story is that he had finished the first floor. So he was hosting this big New Year's Eve party there. And the upstairs was completely unfinished. Really quick, what a funny college first thing to do when you've just remodeled the thing is host a college party inside like that's the worst idea imaginable but please he probably had to start over again after

that night but john had pitched a tent like a camping tent in one of these unfinished rooms upstairs and put an air mattress in it had kind of declared this was his room for the night the night transpired. Things happened. John and I end up on the air mattress minutes before midnight. Oh, boy. This is a lot of pressure. Yeah. So I'm thinking to myself, well, OK, you know, it's still 2007.

I've got my resolution still intact. Everyone just has to be climaxed by midnight and we're good. Exactly. still intact everyone just has to be climaxed by midnight and we're good exactly i distinctly remember putting my socks on like as we're hearing people counting down downstairs like but oh really quick perverted question is the sex incredible at that moment because you know it's never gonna happen again so now you're like you like it more probably I don't remember a whole lot of it it was also on an air mattress well there can be some good love making on an air mattress yeah but it did feel like a good final send-off that's for sure so you know we did it and then fast forward to my birthday which is March 1st. So exactly two months later, we're having a party at my apartment

back at college. And it was my birthday. So my friends had done my hair. I was wearing a cute dress, you know, feeling great. And he left early and somebody said something like, oh, aren't you disappointed that John's gone? Or, you know, it's your birthday. Weren't you expecting him to stick around or something like that? And so I said, well, funny you should ask. I actually made it my New Year's resolution not to have sex with him in 2008. And our friend looked at me and was like, wait, that's your resolution? And I was like, yeah. He's like, that was his resolution not to have sex with you in 2008.

Oh, wow. This answers my question, which is like, how has he been still around not having sex any longer without any deep inquiry? And have you told him that was the resolution? That was the thing was I was thinking like, oh, why has it been so easy the past two months? Yeah. I thought this was hilarious. And I remember thinking to myself, all right, he's going to find this hilarious too. So I should go find him. Yeah. I thought this was hilarious. And I remember thinking to myself, all right,

he's going to find this hilarious too. So I should go find him. Nope. Well, hold on a second though. I got to ask you a question. I need total honesty. When you found out he was trying not to have sex with you, did you then want to have sex with him much more? Yes. Of course. Well, because of course that just continued the story that we were like star-crossed lovers. Yes. So I remember my roommates telling me like, is this a good idea that you go, you know, find him now? And I was like, so smug being like, no, this is going to be hilarious. I'm definitely just going to go tell him and then I'm going to wait.

So I go and I find him. I go to his bedroom in the middle of the night. Oh, God. Sure enough, you know, one thing leads to the next, and we've ruined both of our resolutions. I'm so hot for this story. This is so exciting. It's not that bad of a fail,

except that this continued for five more years. Sure. Wow. Of course. I continued this five more years. Sure. Wow. I continued this back and forth. I thought months was going to be the end of the sentence. No, these two are built to be making love. Is it your husband that could be the happy ending? So I was going to say that that was up until my now husband and I started seriously dating.

Okay. He rescued you from this pattern. Right. And it's kind of a joke. You know, my husband knew about all this happening. And so I had seen John somewhere and I came back the next day and said, hey, I didn't have sex with John last night. We like high five.

It's all in the past. This has me so excited. It can be tough out there. Yeah, nothing more attractive than trying not to have sex with somebody. Right? Yeah, it's a turbo charge. That sexy indifference or whatever. Yes, yes, yes.

Oh, man. I do have to tell you, Dex, really quick. Well, two things, actually. But I was listening to the Paul Giamatti episode yesterday, knowing that I was going to come see you today. And you brought up the town. You couldn't remember the name in the Berkshires where the judge was filmed. Yep. You sort of said like, oh, that's a waterfall or something.

And for some reason, I instantly knew Shelburne Falls. Yep. Someone wrote it in the comments. And I was like, yes, that's it. Shelburne Falls. And it was just so funny because it's one of those things that you like yell at your phone. And then I was like, oh, I can tell him tomorrow. How fun. You've been there like on a vacation or just driving through. Again, it's such like a sim thing that I had never even heard of it until maybe six months ago. And

then my husband and I ended up going there for like a long weekend. Whoa, weird. Did you stay at a bed and breakfast? We stayed at an Airbnb. Okay. We found out Airbnb stands for air bed and breakfast. Right. What was it?

Yeah. We should have known that. We should have. But we didn't. I think I did. I think you did too. I didn't know. Okay.

Well, shout out Brian Chesky, friend of the pod. I associate bed and breakfasts with cats and old women and food being prepared for you. And this is an empty house you take on. But did you know that B&B stood for bed and breakfast? I didn't. Oh, you didn't? Because it's so not similar to a bed and breakfast. I would have never made that parallel. I see.

I see. I see. It's so obvious and right there on the surface, like so many things I don't understand. Well, what I definitely didn't know is that the air stood for air mattress. Yes, we learned that with Chesky. I knew you learned something that day. I've learned one or two things. It's so boring to know everything, as you can imagine.

Well, everything that I learned, I learned from you guys. So that's where most of my references are. The other thing that I do have to mention, my husband is not a podcast person. He doesn't listen. So he didn't know that you said this, but he loves chips so much. And he always says,

man, Dax is in such good shape in that movie. Continuing the pattern where I've only heard that from dudes, which has never been the goal of getting in great shape. Well, tell him thank you so much. He's winded my sails and he'll have me in the gym tomorrow to continue for those compliments. Awesome. Thank you so much, guys. Yeah, it was really nice meeting you, honey.

We'll take care. You too. Bye. What if John heard that? That'd be cool. Yeah, he'd be excited. She looks like Rooney Mara a little bit. Yeah, she definitely does. I was like, she definitely looks like somebody and I didn't figure it out. And I'm glad you did. Thank you. I think part of it is she said Massachusetts. And then every time I hear Massachusetts, I immediately think,

then I think the scene in Social Network where Rooney Mara is talking to Jesse Eisenberg and he is so rude to her. He's rude. And then they break up and then that's sort of what kicks off Facebook. Uh-huh. Yeah, and said she looked like her and it was Massachusetts. And Jesse Eisenberg. Was there. Just customize these shoes.

They're now worth $48. $48? They were only worth $12, but then I customized them just now. Oh, my God. Just customize these shoes. They're now worth $48. $48? They were only worth $12, but then I customized them just now. Oh my God. Just now? Yeah. I like the green.

Socks? Aren't the shoes green? Oh, Monica. What? Are you also now developing color blindness? Those are black shoes. That's a green sock. No, like a dark olive green.

No, those are black Chuck Taylor All-Stars. Oh. And I've had them for a goat's age. Rob, do you see what I mean? I see black, too. Yeah, of course you do. You need to see an ophthalmologist. Men.

This could be an episode of Synced. Why do men always think green is black? Exactly. That's great. Okay. I'm so sorry, Megan. Thank you for bearing witness to that. No worries.

Where are you? I am in Idaho. Boise, Idaho. Oh, so sorry, Megan. Thank you for bearing witness to that. No worries. Where are you? I am in Idaho, Boise, Idaho. Oh, Boise, Idaho. You had a resolution that went poorly. I did. What year did this resolution take place? So it kind of started in 2022 and ended in 2023. So fresh. Yeah, real fresh. We're still in the midst of it.

Oh, wow. I cannot wait to hear. So in 2022, it was my first year that I didn't have weight loss as a goal because in 2020, I lost about 40 pounds and in 2021, I lost another 30. So I kind of had this new lease on life and my 2022 goal was going to be to live in the uncomfortable as much as I possibly could. Great goal. I have a gal that I work with that I have always worked out with. We have a gym at work and we work out on our lunch hour together. And she kept pestering me that I needed to go to this workout group with her that was on Saturdays at the park. Working out in public was not something I ever wanted to do. Right, right, right. With a bunch

of strangers that I didn't know and with exercise equipment that was brand new to me. So this specific workout group was with Suplus Wrestling Gym and their equipment. And the guy that invented the Bulgarian bag lives here in Boise. What's that? Oh, is it like a rucksack? It's kind of shaped like a croissant. And then it has handles on both sides. And it's a weighted bag. And you spin it like up over your head.

You can do squats with it. They do all sorts of exercises with it. But he lives here in Boise. And they own a wrestling gym here. And his daughter wanted to start her own fitness class. And so she started this fitness class. So I started going to this class. And met a whole bunch of super awesome ladies that I'm now super good friends

with. It was all working out for me, this whole going into the uncomfortable for the growth. And so one gal that was in this fitness class did all sorts of Spartan races, and she ran a Spartan beast race, which is long and a lot of obstacle course stuff. And she came back from it in November, was telling us all about it. And she's like, any of you ladies could do this too. And she's like, we should do one next year. And I was like, okay, because, you know, I'm going to do uncomfortable things this year. You're almost like Yes Man, where Jim Carrey has to say, you're almost like your resolution was just say yes to every single thing.

Yes to everything, but not maybe to Jim Carrey's extent. Right. And you have morals, so that's going to get in the way sometimes. Darn those morals. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated.

Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and, of course, a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel. So, starting January 1st, we decided we were going to start training extra just for this Spartan race in particular. I was ready for it. I mean, I learned how to climb a rope and do monkey bars, all sorts of stuff. And it was going to be in March and then Vegas because they don't do them here in Boise. Liability issues, I bet we'll soon find out.

I don't think it was liability. I think Idaho is very particular about how the lands are kept. And I think they have to dig into the earth and do stuff. So we get to Vegas. So when you go into a Spartan race, you have to climb underneath of some barbed wire and they're like hosing you off with a fire hose to get into just the arena part. And you have to climb over a five foot wall before you're even at the starting line. Oh, geez.

I know. So that whole part happened and I'm at the starting line, jumped up over the wall super easily. Feeling yourself. A little bit. I was super excited. Yeah. Then they start the race.

The first obstacle we get to is a five foot wall and I just jump clear over it. A little bit. I was super excited. Yeah. Then they start the race. The first obstacle we get to is a five-foot wall, and I just jump clear over it. I'm fine. The next obstacle is over-unders, which is more five-foot walls, and then you're climbing underneath of, I think they just had lines of barbed wire. Ew. Okay. Just pretty intense. Was it razor wire or barbed wire? It was just barbed wire.

The next one that we came up to, the third obstacle, was a hurdle. It's like a buck and rail fence. They're like the fences that have the X. Oh, an X of wood, and then it lays across the top. Almost looks like a sawhorse. Yeah. The one across the top was like a four by four that was point up. So getting up over it, I knew it was going to be a little more challenging than the walls

because the walls are flat. One of my friends was like, do you need to boost up? And I'm like, no, I've just been flying over these walls like it's no big deal. I'm fine. So there's a lady that's struggling a lot on this side of me trying to get up over and she's not having any success. And so I kind of scooch down from her a little bit and I jump up over and I'm straddling it, trying to get my hands turned so that I can get my right leg up over it. And the gal that was struggling next to me all of a sudden kicks her legs up over the hurdle and hits me square in the butt. And I fly off of the hurdle. Because I was twisted as I was falling down from the hurdle, I landed in

such a way that my foot and my hip were right in line with each other, but my knee flew about six inches out to the left of my leg. And my whole leg looked like rubber. I saw the whole thing happen. It happened in very slow motion. It was not pretty. There's nothing that bothers me more than knee injuries when I'm watching football or something. To see someone hyperextended, oh, it's so brutal. Yeah. And this went out to the side. It was on the other side of the street.

It continued on at the race. Yeah. I've had two kids and no drugs for both kids. And I would do that again over that pain. The medic comes and he tells me, but to scratch your foot. Oh. The medic comes and he tells me, but to scratch your foot. Oh, boy. I said bye to all of my friends. They all waited for me.

The gal that kicked me off did not. She was out of there. Yeah, she wanted to win. Might have been intentional. Ended up in the medic tent. And I did end up with a finisher shirt that day because they did hose me down at the beginning of the race. And so I was soaking wet and my lips were turning blue. So they had to put me in some sort of dry clothing.

And so they gave me a shirt to wear. Oh, wonderful. That's a hack. Yeah, through hell or high water, through hook or crook. I am earning that shirt at this point. I am stubborn and I stayed in Vegas. We were supposed to drive back the next day and my husband was just distraught.

He's like, well, you should go to the doctor. And I was like, I'm not going to go to the doctor here in Vegas. I'm going to wait till I get back home. And he's like, I will send you a plane ticket. And I'm like, no, I'm already made like. I already have dinner reservations. I'm supposed to go to this fancy Bulgarian restaurant with all of my friends tonight. With our Bulgarian bags.

And so it's about a 10 hour drive from Vegas to Boise. So it was too late when we got back to go to the doctor. I go in the next day and he pushes on my knee and my whole knee goes the wrong direction from the way he pushes. And he goes, well, that's not a good sign. And I had a complete tear of the MCL, which is the ligament that runs on the inside of your knee and a complete tear of the ACL, which is the most calming. Oh, fuck, both? Ugh. I had a grade two tear of the PCL and a grade two tear of the LCL. Oh my God. So all the Ls. Yeah. When all of my bones went one way, they had to come back, and I broke the tibia plateau, and I ripped my calf muscle, and I got a nice old blood clot as a consolation prize.

Oh my God. You could have had a tractor run over your leg and done less damage. That's a full blowout. Just from a kick to the butt. Oh, and I had both my lateral and medial meniscus roll up when my bones came back through too. Roll up? Well, they just removed your leg and threw it in the trash. I gave you cadaver legs. That might have been easier.

I think my Spartan career is over. And then I got a brand new ACL. I call him Peter. It's from a cadaver? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yikes. But, Megan, my hunch is you actually don't regret this.

No, I don't. I learned a lot of things. Well, certainly about anatomy. I know. I know a lot about the man out. Yeah. Wowzers. That's a lot of things. Well, certainly about anatomy. I know. I know a lot about the me now. Yeah. Wowzers. That's a resolution gone bad.

That is a resolution gone terribly bad, medically speaking. Sorry that happened. But emotionally a win, but medically a loss. I think emotionally probably really tough too. Yeah. I mean, I had to learn how to rely on my family. I have teenagers that I had to be like, I really need you to cook. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't walk. So probably good for them. They probably had some life lessons as well.

Yeah. It was good for everybody. Well, Megan, thank you for telling us that story. Thanks for chatting. Yeah. It's so nice to meet you. Yeah. Good meeting you too. Thank you. All right. Take care. She looks like your sister. I'm going to start doing everyone who looks like everyone. Great. I've been at it for six years now. Yeah. I'm happy to have a teammate. In 2024, I'm going to do it. Hello?

It's Alex, a boy. You never know when you see Alex on the name sheet what you'll get. That's true. You have no idea. This is crazy. I thought it was fake for sure, 100%, but it's real. And you're in your closet or somebody's closet. I'm in my closet.

I followed all the rules. I'm doing what I need to do. I think you are. I'm going to annoy Monica. I just want to have one guess at it. Are you in North Carolina? No, I'm not. That would have been cool. Okay. Where are you at? I'm in Oklahoma city, but I'm originally from the Chicago area. Okay. Well, the Oklahoma accent has already hit you. I hear some twang. Don't tell me that. Yes, it has. I'm from Chicago, you know, up there in the north. Oh, no. I'm a proper Yankee, believe me.

I got to go back home and visit. Okay. Resolutions. Resolutions. You had one that went terribly wrong, and we cannot wait to hear about it. All right. Well, this story, it takes place in January of 2020. And this is like long before we have any clue

that the world's about to end. So I'm feeling good. I'm making my resolutions and it's to be healthy and get back to the gym, just like everybody else's is, you know, nothing special. As a type one diabetic, my doctor's like, you gotta get back to the gym. And I've been married for three years at this point. I'm in a happy marriage. So I'm starting to get a little lapped,

comfortable, pretty predictable arc for a happily married newlywed. Exactly. At least I'm happy. Right. Yeah. And so for the first few days of the new year, I'm feeling great. I'm at the gym. I'm lifting weights. Friends are meeting up for football. I'm feeling like an athlete. I mean, it's been a few days, so I'm like the fittest I've ever been, or at least that's what mentally I feel like. And can I ask how old were you in 2020? Oh, COVID years? Oh gosh. Your age minus three or four. Yeah. I'm not quick math like you. I'm not a problem. I'm 31. So what is that? Oh, okay. So 27. 27. See, I just failed math. No, you didn't. No, he's just very fast.

So the first Sunday of the year, I wake up and I get ready to go to church. Oklahoma's already gotten to me back then. So I was going to church and I get in my new turbo Mini Cooper because six months ago, a drunk neighbor just backs directly into my car and totals it.

Oh, wow. Must've been moving. Yeah, so I have to buy a new car and I'm feeling good in the turbo. I'm on my way to church. I stop at a red light and it turns green. So I ease out into the intersection and then right away someone T-bones me. It's me right in the passenger door and I just start spinning into oncoming traffic. It's a Mini Cooper.

So it's just like flying. It's like a pinball that just got wh into oncoming traffic. It's a Mini Cooper, so it's just like flying. It's like a pinball that just got whacked with the paddle. And hopefully I don't hit a paddle on incoming traffic. Yes. So it spins like maybe four or five times. And finally it stops. I crawl out of the car and people come check on me. And I realized my leg is in incredible pain.

And like my first thought is my femur is broken. Like something awful has happened. So really quick, it hit the driver's side door, not the passenger. The passenger side. Oh, it hit the passenger side door, but your leg hurts. Okay. Yeah. My wife said I have to say, Monica, don't worry. Someone's already called 911.

Thank God. People are on their way. Good. Because no one wants to call 911 in this world. I love calling 911. You know how I'm always like, why didn't they call 911? That is your thing. That's your catchphrase.

But I'm glad your wife is looking out for me. The ambulance is on their way. I call my wife, who on any other Sunday would have been in that passenger side. And now that's like non-existent. It just smushed in. She probably would have been dead or very injured. But thankfully, she woke up that morning, wasn't feeling well, and decided not to come with me. She struggles with anxiety. And I

have her permission to say this, but she's worried about my safety all the time, especially with the diabetes. And she had lost her uncle to diabetes, so she's always worried about me. And she claims that that morning, when I called, she was worried I was going to get in a car wreck. Oh, my God. me. And she claims that that morning, like when I called, she was worried I was going to get in a car wreck. So the one time she was right. And all I remember thinking is, oh, no, I'm in a car wreck. And she's always worried about me. This just means she's going to be worried all the time. It's not going to get any better. She's ignoring the other 300 times she was worried that you didn't get in a car accident. Exactly. So I tell her what happens and she's on her way. And then the ambulance shows up and we head to the hospital. And so I'm in my Sunday best, you know, the suit looking all good. But they cut my pants wide open, start doing x-rays, check everything out.

It turns out I'm okay. Nothing's broken. But they realized that the cartilage in my hip socket has started to tear because of getting moved around and stuff to the point where I probably need surgery because it's starting to rip away from each other. So wait, though, caused by the accident or a pre-existing thing exacerbated by the accident? You're a genius. You knew exactly what it was. It was pre-existing, I guess. There's like a abnormality on my socket that because of the accident, like hitting something hard, if it was a steering wheel or something, it then caused it to rip. And that little knob hit my cartilage and started to rip it. So I'm at physical therapy multiple times a week trying to get my hips back in order.

The therapist does that little test they try to see how flexible you are and he like puts his hand on my leg and starts like fold it back or just puts it on there he's like okay and now i'm gonna start i'm like oh that's as far as i can go he's like i haven't started yet we're there you're the least flexible person i've ever met not really like the compliment you want to hear, but it's a compliment nevertheless. I still take it. Yeah. You just want to be a superlative in any direction.

Were you about to say the exact same thing? No, just like, yeah, you're still the best at being the worst. Yes. Thank you. Number one least flexible. I'll get that as a badge or something. Number one worst. That'd be a great tattoo.

Oh, I should get a tattoo. Number one worst. So my resolution is like gone now. And then all of a sudden COVID hits. And so the world shut down. No one's leaving their house. I'm literally sitting in my apartment and just watching The Simpsons like I'm finishing it in two months, like all 3040 seasons, just eating junk food 2020. My health is at the worst it's ever been between the accident and COVID. I can't move or go anywhere. But it's not a completely sad story because silver lining is the driver takes full responsibility and says, I blew through a red light. I was on my phone.

Insurance is never fun, but we jumped through all the hoops and stuff. And they give me a check just for $50,000. Oh, come on, girl. Let's go. Under the pretense of he might need to get surgery at some point. But you have insurance of your own, right? Medical insurance. Yeah, I have my own medical insurance. So I'm getting everything paid for. And they're just giving me a check. Yeah, pretty good. And my wife and I in the midst of the whole COVID houses going crazy, we sneak in early, get to put a down payment with that. Whoa, silver lining.

Everything's shut down and we survived COVID because of this car accident at the beginning of the year. It's crazy. Okay. So now let me ask you, if you had gone back in time and someone said like, would you be willing to get in this car accident for 50 grand? Would you have said yes or no? Do you think? I think I would say yes. Because even now I'm like, does someone just want to hit me a little bit? Like not too bad.

Okay. I have to knock on wood now for you because I don't. Knock on wood. I don't want to get hit. But $50,000 is like pretty nice. Yes. Yeah. Oh, man.

Yeah. But don't push that. Look, I can see this being a movie, right? Where like a good thing happens from it. So then you think, oh, I'll just push my luck. And then really bad. Well, there was a Miller Lite commercial about this. Oh. Where three guys were sitting on a couch and they were watching a Vander Holyfield fight. And the one guy said, I would totally fight him for a million dollars. And how do you know about this commercial? Because that was me. And then I get in the ring with him and he punched my head right off my shoulders

yeah that was and now we have his head that's right that's crazy but for certain i'd get popped by evander holyfield for a million bucks bring it on yeah let's do it for sure and then the house you bought it at skyrocket in value because really this might not be 50K. This might be Nat 125. Yeah. So we actually got in really early before it skyrocketed. And then within two years, we realized, I don't really care to have a house. I like being able to call somebody at an apartment and be like, change my light bulb. So we just waited until COVID was over, sold it way more than we paid for, and just then took another check on top of that. Oh, this is really nice. I have a fear that when I move into my house, I'm going to feel like that.

Like, what did I do? No one's here to fix my shit. Right. And unfortunately, I live right across the street. So guess who's going to be getting called? Someone is here to fix my shit. Well, this ended up being almost a meet cute in some ways. Yeah, this is a New Year's resolution gone bad, gone great. Yeah, exactly. I mean, through physical therapy, my hips are all good now. I'm running. I'm in better shape than I've ever been.

My diabetes is not a diabetic level, so it's like really good. Are you on Ozempic or any of these? And does that work? No, I'm not doing Ozempic or anything. Just have pumps and continuous glucose monitors running really helps level it out and stuff so yeah it's been really good oh that's great well alex this was really fun i like this one yeah yeah it's positive it's not rare you want to say to someone who got hit with a car like congratulations yeah well we meet your wife of course get her in

here don't forget to give her one of your earbuds. This is like her religion. Hi, you guys really are close because you'll share an earbud. With lots of wax. Best friends. What's your name? Alyssa. Hi, Alyssa. Nice to meet you. Look how cute you two are.

I know. You both have beautiful skin. And they're cuddling. Yeah. They like each other. Maybe just because they're on TV. Yeah. You guys are just doing it for TV.

Are you doing it for TV? Yeah. It's nice to meet you guys. I know you guys are obsessed with high control religions and cults. So I need you guys to make that an anonymous topic of leaving one. And you will hear from me. Oh, my God. That's an incredible prompt.

That's a great one. And we were just today trying to think of whatever we call those. Prompts. Prompts. Cult. And I encourage people who are actively in one to chat with us too yeah we love cults okay well i guess we'll probably be talking to you soon that's my hunch we can only hope you guys were what i listen to every day that also helps start changing my mind and making me

question what we've been taught our whole lives and how i convinced him to leave during covid during 2020 was when we finally got out you wouldn't recognize us if you saw us four years ago. That's the best compliment we've received. This is huge. Yes, that's crazy. I can't wait to hear about it. Don't tell me now. Okay.

I've never missed an episode, so I'll hear it when y'all announce it. Oh, thank you. That's so nice. It won't be in February because we've already done that. Yeah, we unfortunately just- So probably March. Yeah, look for that in March. Write your email now.

Don't procrastinate. You start drafting. So if you haven't announced yet, here's what I got. Well, it's so nice meeting both of you sincerely. And I'm so flattered that you've been listening to every single episode. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Dax.

You're one of my number one hall passers. I felt like I had to throw that in there just for you because i know you love it all right well nice meeting both of you guys and sincerely i'm sure we'll be talking to you again soon bye guys you're really tangled i can't wait to hear that story me too cults what a great idea yeah great idea that was great what's your resolution gone bad you have to tell it now. I don't think I've had one that's gone bad. Have you? Well, this year's is going bad.

Yeah, but not like where it results in something like really. Have I? I'm trying to think. I mean, I probably would remember if something went really badly. I'm pretty good at resolutions. If I have a quality, I'm going to add that in my special skills list on the back of my resume. Okay, that's great. Mine's normally to drink more water and i well look we know this is a well-worn trope but people make too big of resolutions me trying to end my road rage i didn't say like i don't want road rage this year that's ridiculous it was you can't get out of the

car year one no more getting out of the car slow's ridiculous. It was, you can't get out of the car year one. No more getting out of the car. Slow baby steps. Uh-huh. Then you can't use your horn anymore unless you're about to get in an accident. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

There's no obscenities when you're interacting with people. And then slowly I'm pretty tolerable behind the wheel now. Yeah. I mean, I guess for me, if a resolution were to go bad, it would be that I drank so much water, I drowned myself. Right, right. So far that hasn't happened. Maybe one time in history and everyone's obsessed with it now. It happens, it happens.

On ecstasy at a nightclub. Well, I love you. I love you. This is great. And my resolution is to support you and yours. Keep loving me. Well, I don't have to make that resolution. That's for life.

Yay. All right. Love you. 99. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don have a song for this new show so here i go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our cherries we'll get some suggestions. On the fly, a rindish. On the fly, a rindish.

Enjoy.