Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Spring Break

Episode Date: April 3, 2026

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy spring break story.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. Today is crazy spring break disaster stories. Spring break. What a right place for a disaster. There's so much alcohol consumption. Yeah.

You're on the road. You're out of your known environment. You have freedom for maybe the first time. You have very high expectations. That's right. That's right. It's a lethal combo. Yeah.

Guess what things go wrong? Please enjoy crazy spring break disasters. All times come and go. Take them slow. You got to know, I'm going to keep on shining. Hello. Hi. Is this Mary?

This is Mary. What are all these fun posters behind you? Ari Sheffir signed our poster we love to go to comedy shows, me and my boyfriend. And then out of the park, I'm from Cleveland. So it's a Cleveland Indian's little kid, hitching a ball. And we just got back from Vegas in December. So there's our cash out voucher. There's like nothing on it.

And then that's from a brewery in Montana. That says Maverick Mary and I insisted I had it because it was my name. These are all very personal. These ones aren't. That's Joe Dirt, just a favorite movie. And are you currently in Cleveland or where are you out now? I am in Cleveland. Born and raised.

Great. And you have a spring break story. A disaster of a story. Yay. The worst, the better. It was 2017, my senior year of college. It was my birthday weekend, actually. I was turning 22 and a bunch of girls and guys from my sorority and a fraternity that we were close with decided to go to Fort Lauderdale. So our first big

trip, my parents weren't really thrilled, but we did it. So the first two days went really, really well, you know, just drinking pool, beach, typical spring break. But that third day, I was really hungover. So I decided I was like, oh, I don't think I'm going to drink today. It always starts off that way. But I actually did stay sober. So we're at the beach. And one thing about me is I cannot pee in the ocean. Like, I'm just super pee shy. Can you articulate your fear? Is that something's going to go back up your urethra after you open it?

Or it'll attract an animal? I don't think something's going to go up there. I think it's just the pressure of I have to, like, really focus. There are people around. You're not stable enough. Too much motion. Yeah, too much motion. I need to be just right.

So I was like, okay, I'm going to head back to the hotel to go pee by myself. The sand is extremely hot, so I just grab any shoes I could find. And they were like my friend's size 12 crocs. I go back to the hotel. I go pee, called my mom check in, like, hey, everything's going great. And then I was heading back down to go back to the beach. And the road that I had across to get back to the beach was A1A. So I don't know if you guys are familiar, but one of those main drags.

So it was four lanes of traffic, two coming each way. Oh, boy. So there was multiple people standing with me in the crosswalk. And I looked to the left because that was the job. direction that the cars were coming and the vehicle in the lane closest to me had stopped. So I thought I had the all clear. And then I started to walk and then all of a sudden everything went black. No. Yes. So I'm not sure how many minutes passed by. But when my eyes opened, I was laying on the asphalt in the middle of the street and people are yelling that I couldn't move my neck and then

do not get up. The asphalt was burning me. It was so hot. It was a 90-degree day that someone from the hotel actually ran to get a towel to put underneath me. And mind you, all I was wearing was a little black one-piece bathing suit with these men's size 12 crocks laying in the middle of A1A. Yeah, the thing I'm most worried about is the asphalt, Bernie. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I went from getting flattened, like a pancake to now sizzling like a sunny side up A. It turned out that I was hit by a minivan that was in the further lane that did not stop for pedestrians in the crosswalk. And the van ended up being an Uber that was actually driving around other spring breakers. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. A lot of witnesses. So this caused so much commotion. You know, there's 30 of my closest friends on the beach that

everyone's obviously being nosy like, what the heck's going on? They knew I went to go pee, but didn't think they're going to see me laying in the middle of the road. So my college roommate, Hannah, ended up seeing that with me, and she came sprinting over. Again, I'm the only sober one. So that sobered her up really, really quick. As I'm getting on the stretcher, going into the ambulance, she's like yelling at the paramedics, please let me in. They're like, ma'am, you're in a bikini. You cannot come in here like that. So she literally grabbed anyone's clothes. I don't even know what she was wearing. I think she was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and some random shoes. None of it belonged to her. Since when do hospitals not allow you to come in unless you're like dressed properly?

That happened to me in that rollover accident. They don't want the liability of a second person on board. Like they just don't want to take any passengers. They're not an Uber service, not insured to carry passengers, you know? I mean, I mean, I think they should. I'm just saying what I know to be the case. So I think that they realized how scared and stressed I was. So once she had clothes, they allowed her in. And I didn't even have my phone with me. Everyone's phones kept getting stolen on that spring break.

So I left my phone in the room. So I'm just in the road with no phone, no nothing. So obviously she comes to the rescue and she comes in the ambulance with me. And the paramedics couldn't disclose what had happened to me. They just kept saying, like, you need to stay home. Like, we're taking you to Broward County Trauma Center. So at this point, I was like questioning. Did I get hit by a car?

or did I somehow randomly faint into the middle of traffic? Like, I was really confused. And you're in such shock. You're not feeling any pain. No pain. I was just really scared and immediately stabilize your neck. So I'm just laying in the stretcher like, am I going to be able to walk again? This is horrifying.

So I get to the hospital. I ended up having a concussion, a cracked head, bruises on all parts of my body, and 12 staples in the back of my head. Oh, so you were bleeding in the back. It's kind of a gross photo, but I shared it with a real. Oh, great. We love gross photo. Yeah, I hate reliving it.

but it's a pretty bloody head. Let's take a look. That's the wrong one. I don't know. I think Rob's being cute. That's for a different one? Maybe. Okay.

Sorry, there's like it was medical errors personal injuries attorney. Oh, no, that's part of my story. Oh, look at them. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Oh, we got spoiled. Okay, okay, hold on. Now, oh, staple city. Staples and then my elbows are all like banged up.

So I just wasn't in the best of shape. Oh, yeah, at the top of the top of the. that head. I'm going to say that's a good four-inch gash on the top of your head. And it's scarred. Not that you can really see. I have a lot of hair, but the story is nine years old, which is insane. The back of my head is still super sensitive. Okay. So you wake up there. You have a concussion. Still just in this bathing suit. And I'm like, I really got to go pee again, of course. But like, ma'am, you can't stand up. You're just in this little bathing suit. I'm like, all right, well, then give me some pants or something. And they give me the big blue hospital

outfits. Grubs. The most conservative hospital in America. You can't stand up in that bathing suit, ma'am. What's going to happen to me? So they ended up doing the MRI, the CAT scan, all those things, calling my parents. And you can imagine how that went. You had to be the first person admitted to that hospital during spring break in history that had a blood alcohol level of zero. The doctor kept telling my mom on the phone, like, ma'am, her blood alcohol count is zero because everyone's like, oh, she got hit by car because she's drunk. And I'm like, no, I'm not. drunk. It just was a freak accident. Well, you know that this is like bad to say. It's kind of better to be drunk. Oh, sure. If you get hit because then your body doesn't. You're looser, gooser. Yeah, you're

goosey. Yeah, you're all goosed up. I don't know how I didn't have broken bones. They're like, it's really insane that something much worse didn't happen to me. So after they ran everything, the MRIs, the CAT scans, a million more tests got discharged that same day. They sent me home with some medicine. And obviously, I just went back to the hotel and went to bed. But I was like, like cleared to be a sober individual. Obviously, I was not drinking. Did the pain set in at some point? Yeah. So that picture I shared was I got back to the hotel and all my roommates in the hotel as well as in college, they were nursing students. So like they really were intrigued by this head of mine. But I think like then when I got back is like all the emotions hit. And I was like, oh my God,

this is insane. I was like, do I go home? Do I finish out spring break? It was still my birthday weekend. You got a rally. I'm going to say you got a rally. So I did. Good job. So I stayed. I had so We went out the next night, so a barred down the street from our hotel. And when we're there, I kept looking over and this person, this guy kept looking at me and staring at me. And I'm like, I have no idea who this person is. And I'm like, he's not part of our group. It was just really strange. And he came up to me. And he like put his hands like this to my face. And he was like, oh my God, I can't believe you're alive. I thought you had died. And it turns out he was in the front seat of the Uber that hit me. And then they obviously kept on driving. Oh, they

He kept driving after they hit you? Wow, with all those witnesses. Oh, my God. Wow. I don't really remember how the rest of the story went, but he wanted to follow me on Instagram. So he kept in touch for a little bit post-college, but nothing ever came of it. Once I got back to Ohio, I had some time to, like, take everything in.

And I realized that Florida's a no-fault state. So that Uber driver never had to pay for anything. But I did have to file a lawsuit, so insurance would cover my medical expenses for that day, which ended up being pretty expensive in that ambulance ride. And then the reason that silly picture that you thought you're getting trolled with, Tim Mizny, he's like the most famous lawyer in Cleveland, and he's known for his eyebrow. So if you look at that photo, let me go back. It's just the eyebrow.

There's billboards throughout Cleveland of just the eyebrow. He raises the eyebrow like the rock does for the listener. The eyebrow is his thing. The billboard says nothing else, just the eyebrow. He doesn't just Mary raise one eyebrow. He also lowers the other one substantially. It's insane. I couldn't even do it if I tried.

But his slogan is, we'll make them pay. And he did just that. Oh, wow, you got a hold of Mizni and he delivered. He delivered. He delivered. Wow. I understand that it's a no-fault state, but that doesn't mean you can run away from the scene of an accident. Was the guy charged with anything, the driver?

Nothing that I ever found out with. That's insane. That's literally a hit and run. That is quite literally a hit and then a run. It was both a hit and a run. There's nothing obscure about it. And I'm surprised the people in the Uber weren't like, hey, man. Well, they may be drunk and party and they wanted to get to their thing.

And they're going, go, go, go. You didn't hit anything. Oh, I'm glad you didn't die. Because it sounds to me, like you stepped in front of the car that had stopped and then continued walking. And that car was probably going full pace. Oh, and of course it was like in the crosswalk, wasn't jaywalking or anything, actually following the rules. Oh, Lord Mary. Well, I'm glad you're alive.

Well, thank you. It's a big silver lining to this story. Who paid then? Who did Mizney make pay? With the no-fault state, you basically suit your own insurance for the medical. full expenses. Overall, though, there's still a fun spring break? Yeah, I mean, I'll never forget it. Yeah, that's true. Well, it's lovely meeting you, Mary. Really quick, this is so crazy, but my three friends skipped work. I'm going to take my headphones out. They're your biggest fans have seen you guys live.

Here they all come. Oh, my goodness. Ladies! Hi! Look at this group. I love you guys so much. Thank you for what you do. They bring us so much joy. Look how fun and cute this group is. I want to be in that living room. Me too. I want to be out. Hope you guys have a great day. Yeah.

Thank you guys so much. Bye. Hi. Hello. Is this Katie? This is Katie. Can you hear me okay? Oh, beautifully because you're in this sound dampened closet following the rules.

I'm a rule follower. Sometimes. We just moved into this house. So very exciting. But I had to get all my crap put away so I could be in the closet. with some soft clothes. Kind of you're welcome, I think. Anytime you get a hack to actually motivate yourself to clean is good.

100%. So I owe you guys and I appreciate it. Where is the new house? It's in Spanish Fork, Utah. Have you heard of it? No, but where is it at? If you're in Salt Lake, you go south towards the national parks, you'll have gone through Spanish Fork.

Okay. Is it off the 15? Sure is. Then I've driven through for sure. Okay, well, congrats on that. Thank you so much. Are you a Utah native? I grew up in California, like, Thackeray.

Sacramento area. Oh, nice. Okay. And what brought you to Utah, a lover? Actually, no, but I did meet my husband here, and that's why I stayed. And then I'm also a teacher. Do you guys still like teachers? Oh, my God, the most. They're tied with nurses, our favorite occupation. I have never had a student stick something up his butt, though. Yet. Cross your fingers, you know. Yeah. Something to look forward to or dread. And so what year would spring break have been for you? I was already a teacher. It was in 2015. And 2015 feels like it was a few years ago, but it was a crisp 11 years ago. That's kind of upsetting. You're really right.

Big time upsetting. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's upset. It was always that 1980 felt like 20 years ago, but 2006 was 20 years ago. That's a beat down there with that info. It's like a little bit offensive. Yeah. Yeah, it's hostile.

Yeah. Okay. 2015. I'm going on a cruise. It's me and three guys. Oh. I know. Very spicy.

It was really fun. I was, of course, interested in one of them who's since then has come out as gay. So I wasn't his type. And that's okay. It's almost better that way when you find out, like, oh, they didn't like me just because I don't like women. Also, it's not my fault. Yeah. They're often the attractive one in the group.

Yeah, because they're fun. They take care of themselves, you know, super cute. But anyways, I'm on this cruise. Where did it depart and where are the stops? It departed out of Texas. and the stops were Jamaica, Bahamas, and one more that I'm forgetting, but a Caribbean cruise. And on the boat, have you guys been on a cruise? Oh, doesn't.

No, but I know enough. No, you have never been on one? No. They're delightful. But there's days that you have like excursions and then there's days where you're just on the boat. And so for those boat days, they have pools. People are constantly eating ice cream cones, right? You just go and get more softer.

And they have water slides. So we're going down on these water slides. And we're chatting. All the boys go before me, and I'm the last one to go. And it's one of those water slides where it's almost like this big cylinder. It's very spaceshipy. And you step into the cylinder and you're standing there. And then it counts down.

The bottom drops out from under you and you fall. To help you understand what this slide looks like, I would picture like a capital uppercase v. It's a very steep decline, very steep incline. So you go down and you shoot back up. Oh, wow. How do you shoot back? Well, your momentum's going to carry. you up through the transition. Think about the second hill of a roller coaster. You're on the top

one that's steeper. It goes down and then it shoots up another hill. It's just your body, not in a tube that's tricky. I agree with you. And the slide is the closed tube slide, but not to be confused with a floaty. And it's sort of like a turquoise color. And these all come into place. So that's why I'm giving you these random details. So I go down the sharp decline. And then I go up and Monica, it's just what you're saying. I do not make it over that second hill. And so So I'm falling backward and it's a closed, dark slide. Oh. It's scary at the bottom of the V.

So I'm just sitting there like, well, what do I do now? And so for just a minute, I panicked and I just punched the edges of the slide. For the listener, it was the cutest barrage of punches. She threw is like, you imagine a rabbit trying to punch out of a sandwich bag? I was like, well, that did not work, unfortunately. And I also remembered we'd been standing in line and chatting with the guy behind us. The guy behind us was like six, five. Oh, fuck.

A big dude. And I'm like, they're going to not see me. It's too twisty. They don't know if I came out the other end. They're just counting and they're going to send the next person. I'm more thinking about the water must be able to exit the bottom of the V so it doesn't collect and fill up the tube. You're so smart.

I wasn't thinking any of that. I was just like, how am I going to get out of here? But then I was sitting there and I saw a light in front of me and I kind of scooted forward. And exactly, there was a little hole kind of cut into the slide at the top. I don't know if it's for the water collecting or because people were getting stuck. Yeah. Who's the thing? So I stood up in that hole.

So I'm like standing up and there's just a water slide on both sides of me. And my legs are in there and I'm kind of looking around. Now you look like a gopher. You went from a rabbit punching to a gopher sticking his head out of this hole. What am I supposed to do? I'm just standing here like a loser. And there's a family just eating ice cream cones because Monica, when you go on a cruise, you'll know. You just eat ice cream cones all day.

You go back in you get another ice cream. ice cream cone. It's illegal not to. They make you disembark if you don't. So they're just eating their ice cream cones just staring at me. There's music playing. It's loud. And I could just kind of shouted at them. I got stuck. They can't hear it. It was aggressive. No, you had to. Katie's like a female version of Jess. I just want to earmark. Yeah, I'll take it. They can't hear. They're eating their ice cream and they kind of just hurry away, which is rude. They didn't want to get involved. They're like, this is your problem. You wanted to go on the water slide. We knew it was too dangerous. So deal with it. That's so horrible. This seems like a you problem, babe. You're yucking or young.

Okay. How big is the hole is just fitting your neck or can your whole body kind of? I'm probably standing up and the slide hitting like my knee area. Oh my gosh, just my head. Can you imagine just a head sticking out? That's even funny here. I should retell it that way. And then somehow you were rotating 360. I just keep shouting it at everyone I pass as I go. So they kind of hustle away. And then a worker did come. A cruise ship worker came over. And I couldn't see.

But on the side of the slide, there was some hidden stairs. And there was a gate to it. So he unlocked a gate and he came up the stairs. And he helped me out. And he somewhat annoyed with me, said, you need to relax more. That's why you got stuck. Like, kind of aggressively. Life lessened time.

And like, have you seen that capital V slide? Is anyone relaxing on that? And so I'm like, okay. And so he kind of helps me out. And as I'm turning the corner, I did think like, well, at least all my friends went first and nobody thought that. And so I turned the corner and they're all bent over laughing because the slide was dark for me. But for them, they could see the shadow of my body like, go down, go up. Not quite make it.

Go back down. Punch the slide, stand up, yell at the family. And then be admonished by the worker. I hate to make this comparison, but I'm immediately remembering the million dreno commercials where they show like, a bi-section of the pipe and then they show you the claw go up and then back and then they show it it gets flushed. So 100%. Wait, I'm actually very relieved that they did the slide in a way where you can see on the

outside what's happening because I'm like, this is so irresponsible. Yes. So I turned and they're all just laughing so hard at me. And then the cherry on top, the arm cherry on top is after I'd stood up in the slide, my boob was out the whole time. One boob. Wow. Oh, great for them, not for you.

That's so. No wonder they ran away. Yes, they hurried their children away. It was pornographic. I feel like the mom of that family could have been like, oh, honey. And like, it was a male worker that helped me out. So maybe he felt more weird saying something. I get it.

But I'm like, I feel like someone could have told me. I talked to at least eight people before someone let me know. It was actually a delightful spring break, so I don't know if it classifies as a disaster. But slide was scary. Did you get four? Frisky with any of the three guys? Two of them came out later as gay. The third one, no, we just were friends. It would have been really fun, but I wasn't anyone's type, I guess. Those gay guys may be hooked up. I hope. Caribbean crews, somebody's got to get some action. Maybe the other one didn't hook up with you because

they were like, I saw her boob and then I'd be taking advantage. Oh, you thought he had some ethics. Ethical. That's exactly. It had to have been that. Although my boobs are massive, so he probably would have been like, yes. No, I'm sure. Exactly. So I went the other way. It's like, if you saw a big mass of breasts, you'd be like, we're going to touch that this evening. Listen, my point is he wanted to be. It was like, oh, that's unethical.

He's like, I'll be a good dude. Always he'll be back in the States and shoot my shot there. I just want to commisory with you that that happened to me on the Lazy River. San Marcos River, real river. Yeah, real river where I fell out and almost drowned. And then when I survived, my boob was out. And you're like, I've been through enough. Exactly.

And didn't anyone try to touch it? mentioned. No, I was far away, but, well, first I said, I hated that. Yelling at me immediately. I hated that. No, it was kind of like the slide thing. I'm stuck. And then I look over and Molly told me immediately. That's why you bring at least one girlfriend on a cruise, I think. That's such a fun story. It really is. Thank you. I was like, I wonder if I still count as a disaster. I'm just going to submit it and see what happened. It's a trapping. It's a claustrophobia. It's a public nudity. It's an unauthorized evacuation of your breast from its holster. I would have been.

It's saying unauthorized evacuation of me from the slide. Yes. You're right. I'll just get that one more silver lining, which is I keep waiting for you to say the big lug came down and snapped your leg. Because think about the fact that when you were standing, what a vulnerable position you were in for knee trauma. And your boob would have still been out because it was already out.

So then it would have been broken knees, maybe second boob out, maybe bottoms off. Oh, bottoms would have. Maybe the fabric would have readjusted back over the. The boob. The universe is like too much, too much, too much. Guys, I've been a fan for a long time. So this was very thrilling for me. So thanks for letting me chat with you.

I loved it. It was really fun for us. We're a fan of you. Yeah, big time. And thanks for teaching, honestly. Thank you. It's a wonderful job. I have told them this story, sans the nudity.

So I'm like, are any of them going to listen to this and be like, my teacher never told me that boob part? But we'll find out. Well, then they'd be like, that's a good teacher I have. And then they'll have to acknowledge your teacher as a human being. And they're entitled to be a full-blown human. being even if they're a teacher. You might see them on a cruise.

You might see more of them than you're expecting on the cruise. That would ruin a cruise, though, if you're a teacher. If you got there with three dudes, you're hoping to hook up with one, and all this and you see Mikey and his family. And every time you're having fun, you'd be like, fuck, is that little shit around? If I were you, I'd go around the whole classroom and find out what their plans were for spring break

and then choose in opposition to that. Things that happen to me, we better do that. Okay, well, lovely meeting you. Yeah, have a great rest of your day. We'll see you. Thanks, you guys. Bye. Hello. Hi. What kind of squishies back there? Is that a jellycat?

This is a squishmallow, I think. Squish mellow. Yeah, we've got a couple fow of those. Delta loves those. Do you have children's or is that yours? I don't. That is mine. My little brother actually gave it to me. He passed away in October. Oh, no. I'm so sorry. Where are you in the world? So I'm actually in Bahrain.

Wow. What a scary place to be currently. It's definitely different right now. It's been crazy. They've been shooting drones and missiles at Bahrain. Yes, there was some bombs that just happened before this started. I probably won't hear them with this on, but they could be going on now. But it's been fine. And what are you doing in Bahrain?

You're getting an early lead on the F1 race? No, I've lived here for about four years now. I work at a university. I lecture there and I really love it. Honestly, I came originally thinking it'd be maybe one or two years. I had like a fellowship with the embassy. And then after that, I just really loved it. I love the community.

People are so welcoming. And it became a second home for sure. So now it's very sad that this is happening. Yeah. It's a pretty sexy city, right? It's like kind of glitzy and glamy and there's water. Oh yeah. Yeah.

We're an island. So we've got lots of water. We've got beaches. So are you guys kind of on house arrest a little bit like everyone's staying in, I assume? Yes. It feels a little bit like COVID. I live in a high rise, so I'm staying with family friends right now, just because it's a little bit safer. And what subject do you teach?

I teach public speaking. I teach debate and I teach education for teachers. Do you ever refer to debate as a dance like Adam Grant does it? I like that. I think it is like a dance. You first start by saying like, yeah, do you want to dance? Because sometimes you don't want to. A lot of times people don't want a debate.

It's not their thing. That's true. Those people are not invited to my dinner party, but still, I respect it. Okay. So you have a crazy spring break story. Yes. My story was in 2015. So I was a sophomore in college at this point.

I'm from Florida originally. So I've lived in Florida up until the point that I moved to Bahrain. What part of Florida? A city called Lakeland, you know? I kind of do. Is it lower middle of the state? Yeah, pretty central. Like between Tampa and Orlando.

I lived there and then I went to University of Florida. So I was in Gainesville. Oh, that's not great for me, but that's okay. I'll let it go. It's a great place. But my story. actually happens in Georgia. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Spring break in Georgia, that's a mistake number one. Just kidding, Monica. Honestly, it was. We decided that we were going to drive to Georgia during

spring break and start hiking the Appalachian Trail. All of us are Floridians. So none of us had really camped that much before, especially on our own, maybe like with our parents when we were kids, but we rented camping equipment from our university. We rented a tent. Me and my friend Michelle got some ground pads. And then we were with some siblings, Kat and Samuel, and they didn't bring the ground pads. We were kind of thinking it would be similar weather to Florida in March. So we packed some t-shirts. We filled our packs to the brim. And the night before we considered, okay, maybe it'll be cold. So we went to Burlington Coat Factory, got a coat. And then we tried to find gloves, couldn't find anywhere. So we ended up getting mechanics gloves. So pretty well thought out, Tripp.

I hate to interrupt with this, but I did get lost in a Burlington coat factory. I remember this store. That's easy. Yeah, it's huge and too many coats. I'm going to add too, not only the weather is going to be new for you, but Florida for folks who have not been, flat estate and the country, then you're going to go to the Appalachian Trail. Exactly. So we have all this equipment. We've packed tons of cliff bars, peanut butter. Our packs are full. And we drove from about 2 a.m. and we arrived. So at the beginning of this semester, I actually had an emergency surgery right before the semester started because I had a a kidney stone. I had the stent, had to go back to university, very painfully trying to get around classes. And I had just gotten this stint out. And now we get to the trailhead. And the first thing that happens is I'm in a lot of pain when we get there. So I go to the bathroom and I start passing a kidney stone. Which I've been told is the worst thing ever. Can you explain the experience? Does it feel like a can opener is passing through or something? It's just like jagged. Yeah, and it came out. I saw it. It looks like a jagged rock. Just super painful. It felt large, too. I'd

had the surgery, like, where they blast it. When I first started having the pain, it does feel what I would imagine, like contractions feel like, where you're in a lot of pain and then it stops, then you're in a lot of pain and then it stops. I also had a in college kidney stone, and it is that. It is horrible, but I wasn't on the trail. Yeah. Well, I started the trail like that, so we started really strong. But I eventually come out. I tell them, I was like, listen, I just passed a kidney stone. I'm in pain, but I kind of feel better now. Ready to go. I'm so sorry, I keep interrupting him.

Is there blood? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's jagged. Yeah, you should be on painkillers. Oh, yeah. But we just keep hiking. And I have old tennis shoes on. We're genuinely thinking it's going to be maybe a little bit colder than Florida.

But we start seeing snow in the distance. We're like, that's pretty cool. But then eventually it's pretty clear. The whole path is deep, deep snow. And we've got like our giant backpacks on. and tennis shoes. So we start walking. And it's so slippery that every five to ten minutes, somebody slips.

And then because our backpacks were so huge, you get stuck on the ground. Oh my God. You're like a cockroach. And no one's suggesting turn back. No, no, not this point. The funny thing was this part of year is a pretty common time, I think, for people to start the through hike all the way to Maine. So people that were starting the whole hike, their backpacks were way smaller than ours,

even. And multiple groups came and said, you guys are doing the whole hike. like there and back. Like, no, maybe just the week, five days. So as we keep hiking, Michelle ends up falling and she twist her ankle. So she can no longer carry her pack that well, but we still keep going. So me and Samuel take turns carrying one pack on the front, one on the back. Oh, fuck.

We are trying to make it to the first campsite is our goal. Because we're doing like the approach trail, everything is pretty slanted and steep. So there's no good place to set up camp. We keep asking people that are passing coming back. And they keep saying, you know, it may be like a mile, mile and a half, but we keep walking and it's starting to get dark. So we kind of realize we're not going to make it. Why?

Why? We set up under some trees. So we finally take everything off. We set up our tent. We put everything up because it seems like a good clearing. There's a lot of really old trees nearby. So after everything's set up, Samuel looks up. And there's also a storm that's coming in.

So the wind is blowing more. And he's like, guys, I really don't think that we should camp here because I think one. because I think one of the branches could fall off on top of the tent, and we could be squished. So we pack everything up again, but it is getting really dark. So we keep walking along. We don't keep going towards the campsite, but we walk perpendicular and there's a ledge,

and we just start following it to see what happens. Eventually, you hit a cabin, and Samuel and Cat knock on the door and go inside. They go into a kitchen, and they talk to a chef, and they're like, hey, who stays here? Is there any chance we could stay here? They're like, no, absolutely not. You can't stay on the property at all, like you need to get out of here. But a woman followed them out, and she kind of whispers to them.

And she goes, listen, me and my boyfriend, we had found this clearing. So if you just walk back the way that you came, you'll see our footsteps in the snow. This sounds like a fairy tale, like a Hansel and Gretel. A fable. Is this woman real or not? Yeah. He's a ghost. And then the other lady was a witch.

It could have been. Was it the cook there in the 1700s and he's dead to... He was cooking a person in his pot. It was just stirring a person. We go back, we start looking, and we're almost to a point we're going to give up because it's getting very dark at this point. But then we actually do see what we think are footsteps going up the side of the ledge. And we're like, okay, solid, let's go. You guys are so off the trail now.

It's like you branched it off on one trail and now you're going to follow another one. At this point, how did we just kept going? We probably would have hit the spot. But we see it. So we go. We climb up. At this point, it's so dark, though. So we can't really tell our surroundings.

And we go ahead. We set up our camp. There seems to be a little clearing at the top of this hill. But we're kind of in a hurry because we're just tired. We want to be done. We do string our bags up into the trees for bears. We just have peanut butter with our cliff bars. And then we get in the tent.

So Samuel had originally wanted to steep in the hammock, but it was way too cold. At this point, like the wind is blowing. It's freezing outside. We're in deep snow. So that was not an option. So all four of us are inside the tent. But it's probably built for two people. And two of them didn't have ground pads.

So we go to sleep, me and Michelle, but Samuel and Kat all night are up huddled against each other because they're basically directly on the snow. So at this point, I do remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing them huddled together. And I do think about it in retrospect, we probably could have adjusted and shared the pads, but they did not. So they're freezing. I wake up in the morning and there's just like water falling in our tent.

And the tent's also kind of caved in. So part of it's touching my face when I wake up. At this point, I find out that cat has been wearing panty hose for warmth under her pants. Okay. And she's so cold that I have to cut her out of them because panty hose don't give any warmth. Yeah, that's like a really not smart thing. I didn't know that. Leggings, yes.

Now you know. They're really super thin. But it feels like it would insulate you like a wet suit. No, they're there to just make your legs look smooth. Okay. In our haste the night before, we did not put the spokes into the tent. The spikes. You didn't hammer in the sides.

The spikes at all. It looked flat. But we do feel there's something hard at the bottom of the tent. After I've cut her out of her tights, we kind of peek out. And the tent had slid down the mountain in the middle of the night. And the only thing that was stopping it was this branch that was coming out of the ground. Oh. You guys.

I'm sorry. I feel bad because I should feel bad. But I'm like, why did you guys, you did this? You're mad. I'm a little mad at all. I know. I'm not, because of course, I could certainly be in this situation. I can see Aaron and I tackling something with similar education.

Your body was trying to tell you with the kidney stone, don't go. Oh, right. It was trying to warm me. Yeah. How far are we talking that it had slid, would you guess? How many feet? Maybe between 20 and 30 feet. Oh, my.

You guys were on a ride. Yeah, yeah. We didn't feel it. I think it was a very slow decline, but then this tree was what, saved us. I wish you would have woke up in the cabin in your car. They would sit all the way. That would have been great. At this point, we decided it was not possible, especially for Samuel and Cat that didn't have the ground pads and couldn't sleep through the night. We decided, okay, we need to hike back and we need to drive home. We cannot make it this week. We went back

and we did end up going to the beach, which we probably should have started with. We went to the beach for the rest of the spring break and it ended well. And no more kidney stones? No more since then. That was the last one. And do they say, What causes them? They said to drink a lot of water, I remember after that. I think it can be from a number of things, but I think some of it can just be genetic as well, but I've never had one again. I think some people are prone.

But not a lot of water sounds familiar. Well, no, I don't know if that is anything to do with it. But they did say, like, don't drink too much tea. Oh. But I drink a lot of tea still. Okay. Oh, wow. Well, Courtney, I love your spirit.

Some people might be disappointed in your story, and I love it. Sometimes those things work out. I feel like that's how you learn. Most of my camping stories have been similar, but I'm learning. You know, all I took from this is I was like, oh, yeah, I should hike the Appalachian Trail. I think you can take six months and you can do the whole thing. Whoa, okay. Yeah, I'll be looking for things to do in my older age.

Well, this has been a delight. Can I give a quick shout out to my mom? Of course. So she's amazing. I know my situation right now. Obviously, it's tough being here with everything happening, but especially, you know, just after losing my brother in a car accident. And me being here, I know this is 10 times harder for her.

And she's also a huge arm cherry. She is. What's her name? Shannon. Oh, Shannon. We're so happy to have you. And then can my bunker mate who's been going through the war with me say hi? Yes, of course.

Hi. Hi, Dax. Hi, Monica. I'm an armcherry as well. And Courtney got me introduced to the podcast. And I wait for Fridays to listen to Amchair Anonymous. So it's really a pleasure to speak to both of you. And are you from Bahrain?

I'm Indian, but born and raised here. But I did study in India in between as well. Wow. And do you listen just because of Monica? You can be honest. No, both of you. Okay. Okay, thank God.

Okay. I made it. I would like to add something, though, because I'm from South India. And recently, Monica had mentioned a housewarming ritual where you boil the milk. Yes. So I shifted my house recently as well and had to do the same thing because my folks were pressuring me to boil the milk. I could relate. Wow.

And do you know what as seahorses? Does that track? You know, Monica thinks Indians don't know what sea horses are. You did look genuinely confused just now. Yeah. You nailed that one. I did. You don't need to know what they are.

They're basically made of dust. They're little tiny creatures that live in an aquarium. I mean, of course, they live in nature. I feel like I would know. You would recognize it, but you might not be able to, on a cognitive test, immediately say the word. Because of your Indian heritage. It's okay. with you, Monica. Thank you. We're going to send a lot of good wishes your way, both in your way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we're delighted to have both of you listening in Bahrain. That's so cool. Such a pleasure speaking to both of you. All right, bye, bye, bye, bye. I love them. I love them. I love them both. Wow, I got validated by a couple things. You sure did, the boiling milk and the lack of sewers. Although we still didn't get reasons. I was thinking she was about to explain it to us, and she's just as confused as you You are and your parents and her parents. Hello. Oh, hello.

What fake name would you like? Ooh, I have no preference. This is wild. I've never guessed this one, but I'm going to go with Gerald. Oh. Isn't that strong? I was going to say Stephen. I feel good as a Stephen.

Are you in a bathroom? Sure am. Are you sneakily doing this while you're at work? I sure am. Oh, I love it. I love the spirit. Yes. Are you allowed to tell us Stephen what part of the country you're in?

I'm in the Boston area. Okay. Do you know Ben and Matt? I do not. The Dax is so mad at me for saying. No, I just, I knew it was coming. I was waiting for it. We haven't had anyone from Boston in a while. I haven't been able to ask. It's been a while. Okay, so you have a crazy spring break story?

I do. My story takes place back in 2017, my senior year of college, we were planning spring break. Everybody was going to Cancun, but I have a buddy who likes to Zig when everybody zags. So he found a group on. Oh, okay. Great start. To go to Dominican Republic and not Punta Kana, but Horta Plata, a place I had never heard of before. I haven't either. I can tell you, I've been to Kacoon and you can't pick a better place to spring break. That was a good option. Yeah, let's just say hindsight's 20. So we're like, oh, that's a really good deal. It was like 600 bucks. I just had

to buy the flights. So let's go all inclusive. So we got a group. We went. So we got there. And of course, you're driving through some pretty impoverished areas, humbles you a little bit. And then you go to the resort. And it's nice by the beach. We get in and there's guards with AK-47. So that's the first real sign that you're not in Kansas anymore. And then everybody's like, yeah, you guys, everything you need is here. You don't really want to leave the resort. We're like, oh, okay, whatever. We settle in.

We start drinking, right? It's go to the beach, go to the pool. Is the booze free? The booze is free. It's all right. This is the deal of a lifetime. Yeah, it was fantastic. A lot of daqueries.

So we go to dinner and we're feeling pretty good. And we're like, what are we going to do? So we go outside and we're sitting at the bar and we hear down the beach, like, like parties, people. These people are screaming, having a good time. So we're like, we should probably go down that way. Like, let's go check it out. And can I ask quickly, what are the other guests at the hotel like?

Are they also young and on spring break? Are they old? What's the vibe at your hotel? Good question. So it's actually like a wide variety. So there's a couple of other people who are like spring breaking, but there's a lot of families. And then people from like Germany were there.

It was a weird smorgish board of people. So, yeah, we really are. Let's go down the beach. Sounds like it's a great time. Let's do it. We walk down past the, guards with the AK-47s and we're going bar hopping. There's rooftop bars. It's great. And then people start slowly making their way back to the hotel. And eventually it's just me and my one other friend.

And we're like, hey, let's get in there. Let's go talk to some ladies. It's spring break. Let's go. That's right. And what time a night is it now, do you suppose? Probably like 1 a.m. So we start dancing, showing off the moves. And all of a couple girls start coming up to us and we're dancing, right? We're having a good time and buy them some drinks. Do they appear to be locals or Or fellow spring breakers? I thought they were fellow spring breakers. Okay. So I asked her, hey, want to get out of here?

We should get out of here. And she's like, yeah, yeah, sure. Let's do it. Let's go. So we walk back to my hotel and talk to the guard with the AK-487. Hey, like, can we get in? And he's like, bracelet, bracelet. So she doesn't have a brace salon to get back into the resort.

She goes, oh, it's no problem. We can go back to my place. And I was like, oh, okay. She's like, I'll just call a ride. So she calls her ride. A couple minutes later, we're getting into an E-150 van. You know, those vans with no window. Oh, my God.

Like a plumbers van? Yeah, yeah, real appealing. I get in first, and I was like five rows. So I go all the way to the back. I'm like, all right, maybe we'll kiss a little bit on the way there. And then all of a sudden, I turn around. She's not next to me. She's in the front seat talking to the driver in Spanish.

So I'm like, okay. We start going. And she looks back and he says a couple things here and there, but mostly talking to this guy. So the ride is 10, 20, 30 minutes go by, and now we're away from the resort. Way from the water. And your friend is gone. He's back at the hotel. He didn't come with you. Yeah, he's doing whatever. I assume he's talking to this girl. He's in a separate family.

Yeah, literally, yeah. We pull into this, like, condominium-like complex, and then he pulls into an actual garage of one of the condos, and then we get out. And the only thing he says to me is, have fun, buddy. And I'm like, okay, okay. She opens the door to the condo. There's flower petals everywhere, leading from the door all the way to the middle of the room with, like, a jacuzzi in it. and then there's like a big king-sized bed with red silk sheets. And I realized this is a prostitution ring.

Which, by the way, is far better than a kidnapping ring. When we're weighing out the different outcomes when you pull into the garage in the van. So he was a John? Our friend is an unsuspecting, unwitting John, but he would be the either pimp or protection. Oh, so the John is the person that buys. Oh, okay. I didn't even know. I'm learning.

Okay. Okay, great. We're all learning. So we get in there and I go to the bathroom, like, oh, God, this is not what I thought it was going to be. Can I ask how much money you have on you at this point? I've got like $20 or $40 cash. I've got a limit on my card, so I can't afford anything. Yeah, yeah. Even if I want to.

I splash water on my face and I come out of the bathroom and she's laying on the bed in less clothing than when I entered the bathroom. Like, oh, hey, I think I'm going to get out of here. She goes, no, no, whatever you want to do. like now the Spanish is coming out. And she's like, whatever you want to do, whatever you want to do. Like, we can do it. Come on. It's going to be a great time.

And I'm like, no, I can't. One, I don't have the money. Two, I just need to get out of here. And all of a sudden you hear like a bang, bang, bang. But it wasn't on the door that we came in. It came from something else. What the heck was that? It sounded like metal.

So she gets up and she goes over and she goes to a vent that's on the wall but on the floor. And she opens that and a hand pops out of it. That hand gives her a piece of paper. she puts the door back on the vent and then she comes over to me and hands me the piece of paper. Oh my God. This says $1,000 US dollars

is like a receipt. We haven't done anything. All they've done is given me like a really weird Uber ride essentially. Right. Maybe at the bar we kissed a couple of times. I don't know. So I say, hey, I've got to get out of here.

You don't understand. I'm a college student. I don't have any money. I didn't realize this is what we're getting into. And she still is trying to convince me and I just start walking out the door. I go out that same garage door. We walked in. I pressed like there's an electric door opener. I opened that. And the guy who drove us is still in the driveway. I mean, he's standing outside the car and he appears to have a gun in his hand. I go up to him. I tell him, we didn't do anything. I just need to get a ride home. I don't have any money. I couldn't afford it anyways, all that stuff trying to explain to. I don't know if he's understanding what I'm saying. I want to add now, in the defense of everyone there, of course, they think every American's rich. That's totally understanding.

about their level of poverty or GDP or with their average sale, they see Americans come through and they're like, of course they think we all have a grand at our disposal at all times. That's very natural for them to think that. Right, especially this privileged college kid who's on spring break. So I turned to her and talk to her, I'm like, hey, can you please explain to him, you know, what's going on and that we didn't do anything and all that stuff? And then they're having a conversation. He seems to be getting mad.

And then all of a sudden, another car pulls up like the little driveway and it's a Cadillac. And there's two guys in there, and one of the guys has an arm hanging out the window with a gun. So I'm realizing there's a whole thing going on. And I'm just trying to plead my case, but nothing really is getting through. So all of a sudden, I'm like, you know, a really good idea is to just start running. So I started running. And all I can think of is just zigzagging. If they start shooting, I'm zigzagging so they can't hit me.

No one's shooting. But in my head, they're following me. And then I get to a point where I'm like, I don't know which way we got in here. So I just took a turn. And I was on a main road. It felt like I was running for me. maybe 30 minutes when I was realistically probably running for like five minutes. All I can think is that are they going to come after me?

Like, what do I do? And there's no streetlights or anything. All I can hear is like crazy like nature around me. Oh. So I look for something. Like I find I see a sign. I kind of like hide behind it. But I know there's no way I'm walking home tonight.

There's like one or two cars that go by. I'm like, I think I might be safe to hitchhike a ride. So another car comes. It's another one of those E-150 vans. But it's a different color. But they pull over and I say, hey, can you bring me to this resort? And they say, yes, they didn't ask me for money or anything.

So I get in. And there appears to be a woman who's, like, pregnant in the back seat who's sitting next to me. She's like groaning. It's a kind of a weird situation. Oh, my God. The guys in the front are driving, not really paying attention to us in the back. But eventually, we make it back to an area that seems familiar to me. It's not my hotel, but it's on the water.

So I know we're close. There's like a condo complex. So I had to scale a couple of these walls that were like, six. feet tall until there was one that was 12 feet tall and I wasn't expecting it. Went over. I landed on my knee. I sprained my knee pretty bad. I was like, you know, I just need to crawl my way back to the ocean. And as soon as I get to like the beach, I'll know where to go. I know I just got to go left and I'll probably be near my resort. Finally, I get back. I crawl up to the rooms that were all staying in and I'm banging on the doors, yelling and no one's answering. Everybody's passed out after being

drunk all night. And I end up just falling asleep in the hallway. My buddy woke up. A few hours later, he drags me and kind of throws me in the bed. I slept until about 3 o'clock the next day. I woke up, pulled them the tail, and then we went out and went to the same bar as the next day. Ah, of course. Wow. How had your buddy's night ended? He just went back to the hotel room.

I think he made his way to a casino. Someone offered him a ride to a casino, so he went to that, lost all his money. Oh, college. In mail. This is such a male story. They split up. They're both conquering some imaginary thing. Thank God you made it out of there.

That is so scary. Because you hear all those horror stories of what happens. There's people on spring breaks in those countries. Because it's pretty lawless. Sometimes I'm just like, maybe this is just purgatory. You never did make it out of that room. Yeah. You're still behind that sign.

Oh, my goodness, Stephen. Brings back some memories. So I'm actually impressed that that one card went ahead and dropped you off. I ended up giving them like what was left. in my wallet. I was like, yeah, take $40. And thank you so much. And I think she needs a hospital. What if they were on the way to hospital?

I want to get this guy. Well, lovely meeting you, Stephen. That was harrowing. Likewise, guys. And I want to say, we've been listening for a few years. I got cut on to you because of my girlfriend. We couldn't find a podcast we like to listen to in the car together. So she found you guys. And we found a happy medium. And we listened to you guys on every long car rides.

Oh, lovely. Nice. I really appreciate your time. Okay, take care. Bye. Oh, wow. We also had a situation in college where I won't say who. Also ended up in the hallway.

He was gone. We couldn't find him. We wake up in the morning. He's in the hallway. Yeah. And you know mine about getting arrested and running with Kenny, 11th grade, Cancun, ding, ding, ding, dang. At a bar. Meet a gal.

The bar butts up to the beach. So half of the bar is on the actual beach. Right. And we start hooking up on that sand. And then all of a sudden, security lifted me off of her and brought me to two cops that were just outside of the little boundary of the bar. And was she a prostitute? No, she was just a horny Mexican gal. No, she was fucking horny.

Well, honestly, if you're having sex. She said, do you have a light? And I gave her a light with my zippo. Ding, ding, ding. and then she said, I'm on fire for you in my ear. And I was like, oh, my goodness, what's happening? I was an 11th grade and drunk on dafferies. How old was he?

I mean, she. I don't know how old he was, but she was like my age. All of a sudden, so the security guards bring me to two Cancun police officers that are sitting right at the edge of the bar. And they're screaming, you can't do that in the bar. Oh. And the two cops have me by both hold. me like by the elbow. They're now signaling to more cops that are on the curb out in front of the

bar. And as they're waving, I'm thinking, I can't go to a Mexican jail. I know one thing is that you cannot end up in a Mexican jail. And like this guy, I was on a $200 trip with Kenny all in. And I had probably 60 bucks to my name for the whole trip and no ATM card. So I can't pay these guys off. This is like day three of the trip. And they had little batons. So they start waving to the other guys to come down, presumably I think, to put me in handcuffs and take me to a car. And when they lift their hands away from me, I just take off sprinting down the beach. Yes, and I'm running down the beach. And it's dark. And I just ran as fast as humanly possible down the beach all the way back to my hotel, probably like a half mile. They stopped chasing me. Do you think about jumping in the water and

swimming? I would have done absolutely anything to not end up in some car going to jail in Cancun. Why would they take you to jail just because you were at the bar? I mean, because I was having sex at a bar. I know, but like to jail? You'd be like, go home. Well, I can only say what the stereotype at the time was, which is they're taking you there to shake you down. Right. But that run, I know his run he's talking about.

I was just running like, are they going to tackle me? How close are they behind me? Are they pulling their guns out? Luckily, the beach was right there and it was dark, so I just ran to the beach. Yeah. It's weird because since you have such a strong sense of smell. Mm-hmm. You've just smelled so many people.

Oh, that's true. I'm sure some of them smelled bad. She did not. Odds wise. There have been some situations for sure. That's the price of doing business. Ooh. Okay, good night.

Happy spring break. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? I don't have a thing song. Don't have a thing song for this new show. I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

On the flyer rhymed dish, enjoy.