Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Took the Fall

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a time someone took the fall for them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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or visit connectsontario.ca. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Buck Rogers and I'm joined by Starship Captain Monica Padman. Hi. Hello there. This is in keeping with all the other episodes, this is something, I don't have that.

What are you gonna say? This is something go wrong. You can listen to this. These are all about things that go wrong. This shows about times that things went wrong. Pretty much, well not always, we've had some. Victory stories. And in this case, this kind of is, this is.

Well this is both, right? It's both. It goes right. It's both. It's both. Something went wrong for you, but somebody swooped in. Yes, and enough flirting around in foreplay. Let's tell you what it is. This is an episode where someone took the fall for our guest.

Yeah. Yeah. So someone has taken the fall. Why is this concept eluding me to describe? I don't know why you think. Because I don't want you to think the caller took the fall for somebody. In fact. You'll know when you hear it. Within seconds of listening,

it'll be crystal clear what this is. Someone took the fall for you. Yeah, for you. Informal. Please enjoy. My war case. Took the fall. All times come and go

Good times take them slow My life I had them both But one thing you gotta know I'ma keep on shining Okay Maggie, show me what you got little mama Show me what you got little short mama. Show me what you got, little shorty. Go ahead and play and play. Hi. Maggie, you look very much like a very young Drew Barrymore.

Wow, high praise, thank you. Yeah, would you agree with that assessment, Monica? I wouldn't have thought it, but I don't disagree. Okay, who do you get told you look like? Also maybe Kate Winslet. They're coming in hot and fast now. You look like my friend Hillary. You look like my friend Hillary. You look like Hillary too. The person that I've gotten,

and I unfortunately cannot remember her name, but she is the lady in Handmaid's Tale. Elizabeth Moss, I can totally see that. I can totally see that. Well, I know why, because you have just the tiniest hint of rabbit teeth. Yeah, it's so cute. And I say that with great affection

because my youngest has rabbit teeth. Proud rabbit teeth. Yeah, it's so cute. And I say that with great affection because my youngest has rabbit teeth. Proud rabbit. You know, it's like a thing that men are attracted to rabbit teeth. Oh, it's a fetish? No, it's like how people are attracted to symmetrical faces.

Oh. They're attracted to that type of teeth. Rabbit teeth. Yeah. Oh, wow. So congrats. Have you heard this, Maggie? No, but I think that there probably is a little fetish for everything.

Well, sure. Sure. Yeah, I'm hoping someone has a fetish for missing knuckles. That's my great- You're wack. Okay, Maggie, you took the fall for somebody. Somebody took the fall for me. Oh, even better. That's right.

I think that was the prompt. Was that the prompt? Yeah, because we were like, don't brag about yourself. Oh my God, you're right. Tell us about times someone took the fall for you. Yeah. So to set the scene, this story takes place when I was somewhere in the era of sixth, seventh grade.

Okay. Hot time to be alive. At the time, it was my parents and I and my brother that were living in our home. And I would get off the school bus, I'd go home, sometimes parents were there, sometimes they weren't. But at this kind of era of my life,

I found a real fixation with porn. Oh wow. Oh. My middle school porn era. Can you tell us how you discovered it? Would love to. I was really dying for somebody to talk to me about sex and didn't have access to that in our family.

Lived in a pretty conservative area that wasn't really talking about sex or sexual wellness. What state were you in? Connecticut. Okay. Oh, very bougie. Oh well. That's a compliment, but it comes with some uptightness.

We all feel the same way about it. Okay, good. I one day just decided to go onto our family's singular shared desktop, go down into the basement, open up Google and said, watch sex. Oh, okay, great, very literal search. This wonderful word, P-O-R-N, just popped up everywhere and I was like, I guess that's what watching

sex is. So I became fixated on Googling watch sex and find whatever the internet would give me. Wow. And can I ask, was your reaction to it like scientific and curiosity or was it making you horny? I hadn't discovered masturbation at that point in my life. So I was just like wide-eyed and soaking it in. Okay.

Can you tell us what year this was-ish? Probably like, oh four. Okay, so there's a lot of options. The internet is proliferated with lots of content. Yeah, it was amazing. I really found myself in this era. But you didn't masturbate, it was so interesting. So you'd be just watching it and watching it, it'd be. I really found myself in this era. But you didn't master me. That's so interesting.

So you'd be just watching it and watching it. It'd be simmering and simmering. Exactly. I would be on the school bus, riding home, thinking about, what are we gonna find today? Oh wow. I would be staying up late,

thinking about, what am I gonna find tonight? Oh wow. This is exciting. It was exhilarating. And having the little flair of it being the shared family desktop just added a little oomph to it. Okay, so you were aware that this was a bit high risk. To some degree.

Also wonderfully naive, which brings us to where things start getting iffy. So I find myself totally enthralled in porn, and then the world of chat rooms and subscriptions start opening up. OK, sure, sure. And what I knew was that I had to be 18 in order to really be entering these sites.

So what I would do in this kind of sixth grade, seventh grade mindset is that I was going to lie to get access, but I knew I needed to protect myself to some degree. So instead of saying Maggie with my last name, I had the bright idea of just changing one letter and being Maddie. And you needed an email, but I didn't have an email in middle school, so I used my mom. Oh! Oh my god. Okay, big tactical blunder here. And you kept your last name?

Sure did. Yeah, yeah, well she changes it to Maddie, I mean totally safe. So different. I was a different person. Yeah. So this is Maddie now we're talking to. Oh boy.

So I would put in my new first name, my last name, my mom's email address, I'd make up a random birthday and I was off to the races. A whole new level opened itself up. And were you participating? Were you like talking dirty? What happens? I was a quiet observer. Anthropologist.

Exactly, I was doing my research on human behavior. Wow, okay. This continues for months. I would sneak down into the basement, turn the volume off, type in porn, because I was learning more. I didn't have to say watch sex anymore. Yeah. Until one day I got off the bus, nobody was home.

I go downstairs to the basement, I type in porn, and then suddenly I'm getting inundated by what felt like to be hundreds of pop-up windows attacking the screen. This was so standard in 2004. It was before they had a block pop-up windows option on your browser. There was no incognito that I knew of. It was amateur hour. And I got totally stuck. I couldn't get myself to X out of any of the windows. And I knew that the clock was ticking, that my family would be coming home from work, my brother would be coming home from sports,

was starting to sweat. And then I had this idea that I was gonna call my dad. So I pick up the phone, I dial his work number, and I said, dad, I've come home from school. I wanted to play on the computer. And there's this word, P-O-R-N, all over the desktop. Okay. And my dad was like, sweetheart,

I know exactly what happened. Don't worry about it. Can I ask really quickly, how old is your brother? He is in high school at this point. Perfect fall guy. Easy. He's a fucking pervert. All these high school boys are.

Okay. So I had some comfort that my dad was gonna somehow find a solution. Of course, in the back of my mind, I'm like, I just wanna make sure I'm gonna be able to watch porn again. Oh wow, so this wasn't even like, I'm done. This was a speed bump. I waited kind of patiently for my parents to come home.

We had our family dinner. Nothing was being addressed. And then my parents went into the formal living room, which was purely just kind of used for parties or when somebody was in trouble. Ah, uh-huh. Ha ha ha ha. And there was a winged back chair in there

that we all called the trouble chair. You'd have to sit in it like a throne of shame. So Connecticut. Yeah, so Connecticut. My parents call in my brother. I watch him walk to the treble chair. Oh, what? Oh, no.

The chair is getting attacked. My parents are going in on, how could you subject your sister to this? Oh, Jesus. How could you be so irresponsible, going in on sexual health concerns, and he's sitting there and denying it. And he was like, I didn't do this.

And every time he denies, they double down. Now you're a liar. Oh, geez, yeah. And then the next day, my dad asked if I wanna run an errand with him, yeah. And then the next day, my dad asked if I want to run an errand with him, and he goes downstairs to the basement, he unplugs the family desktop, puts it into his car.

We drive off to what was at that point, like the makeshift Apple store to fix the computer. My dad puts the clunky desktop up on the counter, and the guy's like, all right, well, what's the problem? And he said, my son is addicted to porn and has fried the family computer. No, oh my God, he went really far. Jeez, did they even know about porn addiction back then?

He was sort of ahead of the game. Since then, my brother and I have never discussed the event. My parents have never spoken of it. Since, not to much of my own surprise, My brother and I have never discussed the event. My parents have never spoken of it since. Not to much of my own surprise, I became a therapist and specializes in talking about sex with people. Wow. This is great.

Wow, wow, wow. And you've never told them, even after becoming a therapist? I gladly let him take that from me. I'm gonna make a couple suggestions, and I don't wanna tinker with your story because it works perfectly, but your brother was watching porn on that computer. I'm sure make a couple suggestions and I don't wanna tinker with your story because it works perfectly, but your brother was watching porn on that computer.

I'm sure. For sure. And I hate to say this, but dad might've been peeking at porn every now again, too on that computer. Well, that's what I thought when you called him, I thought maybe he was like, oh shit. Don't worry, cause he knew, cause he had done it. And reality was the least suspected one.

Did the email address ever become an issue? I'm glad you asked about that. At some point in middle school, I somehow got my mom's email address password. So I would go into her email and I would do my best to clear away all the porn spam. Sure. She's still saying like, she's getting spam.

That's inappropriate. She doesn't know how it happened. Right, but you were in there pruning, but you're right, you kind of see that stuff and you don't necessarily think, oh, this is cause it's someone who's linked to my, you're like, they email everybody. But they did have Maddie Montelli.

But you wouldn't open it. So you may not ever see that because you'd be afraid to open up the email. A girl can dream. I like to think mom was down there too, sniffing around a little bit. I wish she could have been. The whole family was secret.

Do you think your brother knew it was you? If he did, he would never say anything. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, I would. I wonder what I would do. I'd be so quick. That's Neil, he's a pervert. That was definitely Neil.

He's a porn addict. Okay, so now you're a therapist. You know, I'm trying to imagine how I would deal with this. Like, let's say when my daughters are 12 and 13, they're super interested in this. What's obvious is I would not shame them or say this is bad, but then would I make efforts to prevent them from spending hours a day on it?

Probably, where are you at on all this development? I feel like you're in a great position. Well, I mean, developmentally, I think it's totally typical that kids are interested and young adults are interested about sex and porn and wanting to feel some connection. What I wish, if I could reverse time, that we had like a really open, transparent conversation

about what it was that I was curious about, what I was learning, what I had questions left over. Do you feel like you paid any price or was damaging in any way? I think there is a big moral panic surrounding porn and I think there are porn addicts and then I also think there's probably a very healthy version of exploring your curiosities. I think that porn can teach people to be performative in a way that takes them out of their body

and into their brain and not really be experiencing what's happening in reality, but rather trying to replay something that you saw or you were taught in this way. So I think that that's an edge of porn that can get tricky, but I mean, I also think that there's really interesting ways that it brings people into communities that aren't shameful and that they can access something

that feels authentically pleasurable to them. So if I were to do it again, I would still do it. Right, okay, there we go. Yeah. Great. Well, Megan, that was wonderful. Yeah, thank you. And thanks to your brother taking that fall.

Yeah, good boy, or not. Maybe he was guilty and he just denied it. Maybe. Yeah. I'm sure he was finding his own way around it. Maggie, why are you in the computer? And don't you need to go over to Becky's house for two hours? I know, he's so mad.

You're just on the computer all day. Horning it. He's like, that's mine. Well, thank you so much for that story. That was great. Thanks guys. It was nice to meet you both. Take good care. All right, bye-bye.

I like when people say take good care. Yeah. I think my therapist says that. Really? It must be a therapy thing. Was that your therapist? I wasn't gonna say. Wouldn't that be insane if your therapist

or mine had submitted, tell us about your worst patient. Oh! I mean, our own therapist. Or the worst story that your patient told you. Oh! Oh! Ha ha ha ha!

Let's do that as a prompt. See what therapists give up their Hippocratic oath. Not a move. Violate the Hippocratic oath. Hi, is this Daniel? Hey, yes it is. Nice to meet you both. Yeah, nice to meet you.

Where are you at? I'm in Chicago, Illinois. Oh, Robbie, go ahead. What a place. But wait, you gotta ask specifically so you'll know. Where in Chicago? I'm in the South Side, not too far from Guaranteed Raid. For the White Sox play.

Oh, cool. So Daniel, you're calling us from Chicago. Someone took the fall for you. Yes, very much so. Very much so, that's a good you. Yes, very much so. Very much so. That's a good start. Yeah, we like that.

They're in prison currently. This story took place in 2008. I was working in Indiana at the time, not too far from Michigan. I was in my mid-twenties, a bit of a bar wrap, and my bar of choice was about a hundred yards from where I lived, so that was pretty dangerous for me at the time. And lucky. This one particular Saturday night, I was at the bar drinking Beeman diets

was my drink of choice back then. Good choice. And I struck up a conversation with a nice young lady. She seemed fairly interested. That was big for me because I wasn't exactly killing it with the ladies back then. So we hit it off and we decided, well, you know what, rather than walk the whole hundred yards

back to my apartment, why don't we just sneak off to the cooler at this bar? Yeah. That's wonderful. What's the cooler bathroom? Where they keep all the beer, the big walk-in fridge. Yeah. So real classy.

I spent all my free time and this is basically like my rec room, this bar. So I knew all the bartenders. I knew all the cooks. Me and this young lady walked past the kitchen staff into the cooler. Started to get to know each other. At one point, actually a bartender walked in, saw us and apologized and left. Oh wow. You really were the king of the castle there. Good etiquette. This is the kind of bar I drank at in Michigan, by the way. A real classy establishment. Quickly into it, we both realized this wasn't very fun.

Being surrounded by coolers and kegs and 40 degrees kind of took the romance out of it. We both kind of came to our wits and we're like, let's just leave it here and not take this any further. So we both leave the cooler and I sit back at the bar of course and proceed to drink the rest of the night. The bar was closed on Sunday, Monday at work. I get a frantic call from a bartender there who said, hey, just so you know, the owner, we'll call him Bill,

found a pair of women's underwear in the cooler. He's on the warpath. He wants to know who's in the cooler. Obviously, he's pretty upset. Well, hold on though, Daniel. Not obviously, to me. Yeah, because it seems like you were allowed he's pretty upset. Well, hold on though, Daniel, not obviously. Yeah, because it seems like you were allowed to kind of. I mean, also like a bar owner in Indiana, a little hole in the wall bar.

He finds some underwear. I think he might be in a good mood over it, but okay. I accept that he was upset. Considering the other things that went on in that bar, it was pretty tame in comparison, but Bill's on the war path and he wants to know who was up to these shenanigans. This was like an existential crisis for me because like I said, this was like my rec room. I spent five nights a week here and I had heard that if he found out

it was a customer, they were going to be banned from the bar. That was bad news for me. So I muster up the courage that night I'm going to walk in and admit to my indiscretions. When I walk in, one of the bartenders, Joe, who I reached out to before this, said it was okay to tell the story. He said, hey, don't worry about it. I took the fall for you. The angels of my better nature think that it was because he just thought I was a good guy and it was a lapse in judgment.

Maybe it was also financial because I spent so much money in that bar that he was gonna take quite a hit to his pocketbook. Sure. He got in some trouble. I think he lost maybe a shift or two at work, but I was allowed to continue there, causing various disturbances from time to time. Couple things, could have been financially motivated.

Also, he might've been very happy for you that you got some action. He could be rooting for you. That's a great way to look at it. Like I said, I wasn't exactly killing it. My opportunities were few and far between. Let's be honest, all the bartenders crush. That's what bartenders do. Then you got a guy that's always there

and he finally gets a little lucky. Sure. You know, and you're a stud, you can shoulder this. Yeah, and he also just might be like, the punishment for you would be so much more than whatever the punishment is gonna be for him, unless he thought he was gonna get fired.

He's a star bartender. Yeah, what if he just said, those are mine? And now I'm really uncomfortable, you know I wear those underwear, and now you're in trouble, owner of the bar. I would flip the whole script on him. Are you now in recovery? I get a sense you're now in recovery.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it does feel like the tone of this was of a time. Yeah, this has addict B story written all over it. Well, there's a bleakness to the whole tableau that I relate to deeply. Also, if you'd gotten banned from there, like I'm not being too light on this. If you don't live in walking distance to a bar,

now we're ratcheting up a whole other side of likely death and imprisonment and bodily harm to other people. Cause you'd be driving. Yeah, you'd have to drive. You weren't going to quit drinking it. You were just going to have to drive somewhere to drink. Yeah. That was not my bottom, unfortunately. So I was going to keep going full steam ahead at that point. Yeah.

So how long have you been sober? Six years. God damn. Congratulations. Daniel, that's fucking awesome. Listening to your podcast was a big impetus for that. I was still pretty much actively out there until I started listening to my day one cherry.

Oh my God. How sweet. Fuck yes. And his life better. Way better. I'm married now. We have a son. Oh, this is such a happy story.

Damn it. When I told my wife I was going to tell this story, she just kind of rolled her eyes because she's heard all these shenanigans. Sure. Listening to the podcast gave me the courage to go to AA and go to therapy. Oh, man. Daniel, you just made my month. Thank you for sharing that.

That's so great. Well, Daniel, great meeting you. Yes, thanks for sharing that story with us. You as well. It was a real pleasure. Thank you so much. All right, take care. Bye. Oh man.

How sweet. Oh, what a lovely thing to hear. Good thing that guy took the fall. Truly, he could have been a dad. Because it could have changed the whole trajectory. It could have. You've been driving around. If you are an active addict,

do you try to live in walking distance of a bar? That's true. I do. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We got a cool name coming up, Rylan. Ooh, cool. Have you ever seen such a name? No, that's a cool name.

Rob, has anyone taken the fall for you? My brother has once. Oh, he has. Are you comfortable sharing the story? Yeah, it was when I was like seven or eight. My grandpa had got me a Michael Jordan watch and I was playing basketball in the basement and I did a slam

dunk and broke it. Uh oh. Shattered the glass on it and I stuck it under the couch pretending like I didn't do it. Sure of course. And then found it and blamed it on my brother. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha My grandpa got me a new one. But did he say I did it?

He was a troublemaker and he didn't really talk yet That's not really taking the ball. I blamed him blamed it I mean he copped up to it, which I didn't understand why Okay, because I had put a little one of his toy hammers by it as well. Oh wow. This is a very meticulous plot It's so funny when you're little you think you're gonna be in trouble for breaking something that's yours It was a present and they're just gonna feel bad for you broke your watch. Well, unless you're someone who just like constantly broke stuff or didn't take care of their things.

And you smack Rob across the face. Stop breaking your things. Value your stuff, you entitled little shit. The way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Matty shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and

of course a great shower. Expedia made to travel. Ready for Ryland? Yeah. Hi. Hello. I'm freaking out you guys. Have a freak out, we're here for it. Oh, okay. I'm very intrigued by your background.

Okay, do you wanna guess first? Well, you're at work. Unfortunately. It looks school teacher-y to me. I was about to say, it feels like a classroom of sorts. I work at a university, but I'm obviously not a professor,-y to me. I was about to say, it feels like a classroom of sorts. I work at a university, but I'm obviously not a professor, just a staff member. Okay, but I wouldn't have said

you're obviously a professor. Oh, okay, thank you. Or you're just too young to be a professor. You're pretty young. A little too young. I'm sure there's professors my age out there. I can't tell. I had a hot young professor, so yes, there are.

I've also had a few. Yeah, I know. They've also had a few. Yeah, I know. They're a dime a dozen. Do you think there's more hot male professors? Why do I keep hearing, this seems to be very gendered. I'm not hearing a lot of dudes that I know that had a smokin' hot.

Well, A, let's just start with, do we think the ratio is a little skewed? Do you think it's 50-50? There's probably just more male professors out there, or depending on the classes you're taking too. You should be a professor. That was smart, what you just said. Yeah, you're now a professor.

Thank you, thank you. I had a female geology professor and I was in love with her. She was only like 30. Oh, okay. Wow. In geology, good for her. I know, right? In what state are you in? I'm in Santa Barbara, so I'm in California.

Okay, so someone took the fall for you. Yes, thank you for bringing that up. I'd love to talk about it. Yes, we wanna hear. Story starts early January of 2020. I'm on a climbing camping trip in Joshua Tree. So there's about 15 of us total in our friend group. And most of them are like close friends of mine

hang out with all the time. Some notable characters include my boyfriend, Alfred. Oh, great name. A fake name, but thank you. Oh, okay. And my ex-boyfriend, who I had not seen in like a year and a half. He has just slowly, through friends,

got into this friend group. So he was invited on the trip. I'm cool, I'm chill, it's fine. You guys had an ammy a couple break up? Enough, it was fine. He also brought his new girlfriend, who at the time he'd been in for like a week. So it was like all of our first times meeting her.

So we go to set up our tents right when we get there. So we're actually camping on BLM. Do you guys know what the BLM is? Yeah, Bureau of Land Management, Federal Land. You can shoot guns. You can do anything. So we camped there and somehow me and my boyfriend's tent and my ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend's tent

got right next to each other. Oopsies. And our little semi-circle like facing the campfire. And then on the other circle was like all the cars facing the campfire as well. But first day is good, we all go climb, we camp, we just have a great time. Is anyone doing mushrooms?

It's a very big mushrooms destination. Absolutely. Okay, great. Lot of mushrooms, lot of weed, lot of wine bags. And it's just good vibes. I'm hanging out with him and her and everyone's in a great mood. And I'm like, wow, this is best case scenario. So we wake up, we do it again just good vibes. I'm hanging out with him and her and everyone's in a great mood. And I'm like, wow, this is best case scenario.

So we wake up, we do it again the next day. And then my boyfriend and I decide, okay, let's have a little alone time. So we're gonna go eat dinner at one of like the little diners in the town by ourselves. We come back and we end the night with everyone drinking, telling stories, dancing. It's great.

And then we go to bed. And mind you, it's January, so it's freezing out there. Yeah, that's chilly up there. So I'm wearing like my flannel pants and then sweatpants and then those big comfy blanket sweaters. You guys know what those are? Not as snoozy. Snoo is kinda like a snuggie,

but it's essentially just a giant sweatshirt, but it's blanket material, like it's huge. Ooh, okay, this sounds nice. And I wake up in the middle of the night and it's pitch black and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna throw up. So I'm like trying to get out of the tent but I have so many layers of clothes on me

and I can't find the tent zipper. And so I'm like waking up Alfred and I'm like, please help me. And I'm also like trying to shut the fuck up because literally everyone's right next to us. Oh God. So I get out and I like run behind the tent and I just let it rip like so much vomit

I don't even know how that was in my body. Do we think it's from over imbibing or the food in town? Great question. Who truly knows I stopped drink some water Alfred standing there off these water wet wipes I'm like, okay. I think I'm feeling a little better. I go to stand up and immediately I'm like, oh actually I'm gonna shit my pants Okay, so probably the food in town food Food in town, we just got a verdict. Yeah, that feels like a food poisoning situation. I'm so glad there's a shit in the pants story mixed with all this. So I'm trying to remove three layers of pants.

Oh, God. I also lift up my sweatshirt that's all the way to the floor. So I finally get just my little bum out just so I have enough room and just shit so much. Oh my God, and your boyfriend's there? The boyfriend's there watching me. Oh.

Well forget that also, I'm presuming you're quite close to the camping area. Yeah, I'm literally like three feet from my tent, five feet from my ex-boyfriend's tent. Oh my God, this is a nightmare. You can hear it, it's like someone has like dumped out their water bottle. It's just growing.

I'm pooping and then I... Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Rylan just looked over her shoulder in a panic as a boss walked in. Someone we heard, yeah. Right as she said, I'm pooping.

I know, I'm so scared right now, you guys. Okay, so I'm pooping and then I start puking again. Oh. Sure, sure. So I'm like trying to get the puke off of my jacket while also not pooping on any of my things. Oh, this is so awful. Are you virtually nude at this point outside or no? I still have all my clothes on.

Okay, okay. So eventually I stop and I'm cleaning up and then I'm like, okay, I have like five minutes before this is happening again. Yeah. I need to get as far away from the tents as possible. I need to get past the cars. I have to walk through the campsite

because I'm like, I need you to drive me just down the road a little bit. I'm not going to get to a toilet, I know that, but I'm like, at least to walk through the campsite, because I'm like, I need you to drive me just down the road a little bit. I'm not gonna get to a toilet, I know that, but I'm like, at least get away from the campsite. Right. Right. So I'm like, okay, you get the keys, I'm walking to the car. And so I'm walking there, I don't get more than five feet

before I like buckle over and have to just like keep pooping. Oh my God! Ah! Oh my God! You are massacring this camping area. Oh! Where everyone is like living this weekend. Oh my God. You are massacring this camping area. Oh. Where everyone is like living this weekend. Oh my God.

Yeah, you are 100% poisoned by this local. Did you eat seafood? No, I had an avocado bacon burger. Hmm, that should not have. But it did, but it did. But it did. Okay, maybe the lettuce on the burger and the steary all over it.

Anyways. Oh no. Okay, so you're trying to get to a car. Round four hits. Yeah, by the time I get to the car all over it. Anyways, okay, so you're trying to get to a car, round four hits. Yeah, by the time I get to the car and we have these, there's at least like four or five piles. Just like every like six or seven feet. God. And they're not nice little piles.

Yeah, splashy. Yeah, it's everywhere. It's quite terrible. So at that point I know like there's nothing else I could possibly release to my body, like that's it. And I'm like, okay, well, we have to do something about this, but it's everywhere. It's quite terrible. So at that point, I know like there's nothing else I could possibly release to my body, like that's it. And I'm like, okay, well, we have to do something about this, but it's a liquid, I can't like pick it up like a dog bag. Right, right.

I'm like, okay, we have a shovel, but the keys to the car are in my ex-boyfriend's tent, the shovel's in his car, and I'm like, that's not something I'm willing to do right now, so I'm going to bed. Do you think about kicking sand over it? Like the cats. Like a kitty. That maybe could have been an option, but it's a dry lake bed, so it's like hard.

Oh god, so it's so visible. Very visible, highly visible. Yes, thank you for bringing that up. There's no missing this. So we go to bed, wake up the next morning, and I'm just laying there with my eyes open, just like not moving. And then I just hear one of my friends go, oh my god. I was hoping a raccoon maybe came and ate it in the night. Sure, sure, sure, sure. And then they're like, guys, get out of here.

And so everyone's out there. This is like, I feel dizzy. This is your biggest, I don't even think snake in your butt is worse than this. I would kill myself. Yeah, you would have walked directly out into the desert until you died. I should have done that.

I hear them discovering more and more files. They're like, there's one over here. Oh God! I think there was multiple people. They're like, was this a wild animal? And they're like, no, no, this had to be a grown man. Oh, we always get the blame. Yeah, you do.

Yeah. And they're like, this had to be like a big guy. Was there a big boy in your group? So, okay. Okay. I'm like five, too. People wouldn't think that I could produce that much. Yeah.

My boyfriend at the time, Sweet Alfred, is like 6'1", he's like almost 200 pounds. Okay. He's like a bodybuilder. This man's always grubbin' down. Oh. Yeah, he's gettin' his protein. So he could theoretically produce something of this caliber.

I look at him and I'm like, please, you have to tell everyone it's you. Like you have to. And he's like, no fucking way, I'm not doing that. Of course. I look at him with just such desperation, there's tears in my eyes. I'm like, I can't do this, my ex is here,

like please, you have to. Can I ask how long were you and Alfred together at this point? At this point, like a little over a year. Okay. Okay. Yeah, so with him I felt very comfortable, wasn't worried about that at all. I mean, I'm shocked.

There's not a person on earth that I would feel okay with seeing that, which is sad, that's sad for me. It is, yeah. Yeah, I'm saying it's sad. You'll find it. Let's hope. Many people would love you right through all that. I would take credit for your boobs. Oh, thanks.

But so he's like, no, I'm not doing it. So I guess I can't stay in the tent forever. That makes you obvious. I was even thinking while you were telling the story, like the move is if anyone does this, is be first one up. Yeah. And then be a part of the curiosity.

What? Oh, bro. What big, big man did this? You're gonna like lead the investigation a little bit? I should have set a timer and been the first one up. Whoever shows up last probably did it. Yes, because I was just waiting it out. I don't know what I was hoping would happen.

Maybe a bomb would fall on us. I don't know. All right. But eventually I said, okay, I have to get out of this tent. So I walk out and it has frozen overnight. That's helpful. If it's frozen, it doesn't stink as much.

The smell. If it was a hot morning. But they're now just like pucks and people are playing with it. Oh my God. They're all a bunch of dirty climber boys. Like they don't care. And so they're like, Alfred, Alfred, get out of here.

We know you did this. And I look at him and he comes out and we're just looking at each other. And I swear this moment of us staring at each other felt like 30 minutes and it was just 30 seconds. And I was like, what is he gonna do? And they're like, Alfred. And he goes.

Oh, he shrugged his shoulders. And he never, never once said, okay, it was me, but he never denied it. And they just kept making jokes and kept saying stuff. And he just would kind of giggle. Oh. And I was sitting there just like, yeah, he was so crazy. What if you were like, honey, that's so gross.

Stop doing that. He does this all the time at home. Oh my God. He was up all night. It was so disgusting. I told him to go farther away from camp. I feel like you should have married him in that moment. That's quite a bit of integrity. That was nice. We did break up.

Well, sure. We broke up two years ago. I moved away. I haven't spoken to any of them. And I wonder if he's told them. The moment we broke up, I would have sent an email. I'm telling everyone. Absolutely.

Yeah, me too. Clear your name. Although I tell you what could happen. It would backfire perhaps the way it's backfired when Kristen has farted in an elevator and then we've gotten out as people are getting in and I say that was her. They don't think it was her.

They just think not only was it me, I'm a dick and I threw her under the bus. And so probably they would've gotten that email from Alfred and they'd have been like, oh, this guy shit all over camp and now this girl's out of his life and he's blaming her a year later. Well, if anyone's listening, I take credit for it.

I apologize. Oh my God. I wonder if it was sort of obvious though because I'm sure you looked ill the next day. Like there's no way you could have gone through that. That's why I don't know if it was food poisoning because the next day I felt so good. Whoa.

Better than ever. Better than Alfred probably did. I will say, I've been on four or five of those very similar camping trips you're describing to Joshua Tree, and every one of them has had an event. There's the one I told you where the guy brought a gorilla suit and he followed the guys out there

hiking and he chased them back and we all thought there was an actual Sasquatch. Yep. That was a disaster. I climbed up the rocks, tried to go down another way, was stuck there. Scotty and I were on shrooms and got lost. One morning someone just walked out of the desert. They had been lost since the night before. Like shit goes down on those trips. Joshua Tree's a weird place. It is. It's kind of spooky. Yeah, and everyone's on drugs. I mean that's part of why. Yeah. If it had to happen anywhere, I'm glad it happened there. Yeah. Me too. Oh, well, Rylan, this was a, what a dynamite story.

I did not see that coming. I always like when it turns to unauthorized evacuations. Sure. Right? I thought you guys might enjoy that part. Quite a bit. All right, well, wonderful meeting you, Rylan. Okay, have a great day. Bye. All right, take care.

Bye. Ah, Cameron? Cameron probably. It looks like it's seven syllables right here. The E added Cameron. What if it was Cameron? It might be Cameron. Oh, Cameron. Because the E is in that placement.

Let's find out. Oh, shit, I just remembered. Did you just Cameron? Yeah. I just remembered I didn't finish my connections. Oh. I need to do that. Before the fact check.

Maybe I'll do it too. You show me how to do it. It's a hard one. If you pooped everywhere, I would definitely take the blame. Thank you. You're welcome. I think some people in my life would take the blame,

which is very sweet, but it's more like the idea of anyone being around when that was happening. Oh my God. Hello. Hey, how's it going? We've had a great debate over here, whether it's Cameron, because you could make the argument it's Camron.

Or Cameron. It's just a regular old Cameron. Okay. Okay. And your parents, why did they wanna throw that E in there? Did they ever explain that to you? Oh, I've never seen it without the E. You've never seen Cameron without the E? Cameron is spelled C-A-M-R-O-N.

Oh, or maybe is it C-A-M-E-R-O-N. No, is it? I think it's usually with a C, but with the E as well. Oh, you would know better than me. You know, we seemingly have matching sleeves and you're a drummer. I mean, this is pretty ding ding dingy. Yeah, I'm starting off on drums.

I've been a guitar player for like 20 something years, but drumming for like six months. What brought you to drums? Just seems to be the only other instrument that I've been able to keep up with practice. I've always just been tapping on stuff my whole life. So I figured, you know, now's the time. Yeah, so Cameron, I'm embarrassed

that all Camerons have an E now. I was so definitive. Well, now we know. Now we know, but you taught us. We love learning. an E now. I was so definitive. Well now we know. Now we know, but you taught us. We love learning. We love learning. Where are you at in the country? I am in Connecticut currently.

Oh. We had another Connecticut. Two of four stories are from Connecticut. Does your story take place in Connecticut? No, it takes place in the small town of Columbiaville, Michigan. Oh. Do you know it?

No, what's it closest to? It's like 20 something minutes outside of Flint. Okay, I know the area. So Hitta, someone took the fall for you. You were for some weird reason in the small town of Michigan or unless are you from there? Yeah, yeah, I grew up there. Oh, okay.

It's 2006 ish. I was about 17. My friends and I were at a party slamming as much vodka and Goldschlager as possible. One of my friends out of nowhere exclaimed that she needed to go home like immediately. So I was a stupidly confident drunk driver at the time and volunteered to drive the 20 to 30 minutes back to her house to drop her off. This is probably about like one in the morning.

So she and I packed the car full of beer for the road. It's a very Michigan story, if I can say so. People live 20 minutes apart. We all went to the same school, but it's like you're sometimes driving someone for a half hour. Everything's at least 20 or 30 minutes away. Neither of us really knew how to get back to her house.

And I also blacked out, basically the second we started driving. Oh boy. oh boy. I feel like you must be in recovery, are you? I am, yeah. I know, for some reason, dude, these are obvious. Well, because we've come to admit how fucking terrible we were,

and so we'll just say, yeah, we blacked out. I think someone else who's not in recovery is still kind of trying not to acknowledge that they blacked out. Show your code. Yeah, that's true. I'm very quick to admit that was my problem. I would always black out. So I'm like a year and a half sober now.

Oh, fuck yeah. Congrats. Thank you. So yeah, I don't remember any of the trip, but I woke up a few hours later and I was still driving. She was not in the car, so I successfully dropped her off. Oh boy. But as I opened my eyes,

I was hitting wooden posts on the side of the Columbiaville bridge. Oh my God. Barreling towards the water. So I flew off of the bridge. No! What? Hit the water, the car started filling up like super fast.

I pressed my back up against the driver's side door and just started kicking open the passenger side door. Luckily I was able to get it open. What time of year was this? This was like November. Oh, so freezing. Very cold. How fast does this car fill up? Is it like the movies?

I feel like it filled up really fast. It was like half up the windshield by the time I was getting out of it, but who knows how time works in that moment. So yeah, I swam up to the side of the road and pulled out my Nextel cell phone, which somehow still worked. Wow.

And called my dad. So just a little backstory on my dad. When we were growing up, he was always the kind of dad that said, no matter where you're at or what time of night it is, if you're drunk and you need a ride or help, you'll be there. No questions asked. He didn't want to condone drinking. He was realistic. Right. And you wanted to make sure, you know, if something does happen, we know that we're not going to be in trouble. He just wants to make sure we're safe and stuff. So I called him, it's about four o'clock in the morning at this point and I said, hey dad,

I drove my car in the lake. Oh, this is a doozy. You're thinking that your son's gonna call him like, I put it in a ditch, I backed into something. Yes, I've jumped it off a bridge into a lake. You know, he asked me if you could see the car from the bridge. And I said, you can kind of see a little bit of the roof. So he told me to hide in the bushes or something, stay out of sight until he got there.

Right. I actually had to call him a couple days ago to get the details, because I have never really heard this part of the story. So he picked me up and drove me home and said, dry off, go to bed. And then he had it back to the bridge. This is some dad shit right here. Okay, here we go. He was a truck driver at the time and worked at a construction company. So he was really tight with this tow service.

And so he called his friend up who works there and the guy said, okay, I'll be right out. As he was waiting for the tow truck to arrive, just kind of hanging out at the bridge, a cop rolls up and asks him, hey, what are you doing? Just kind of sitting here by the bridge in the middle of the night. And he said, a deer jumped out in front of me and I swerved and I put my car in the lake. I still don't know like how he would have his truck there. Or that the deer was on the bridge.

Yeah, yeah, no sign of the deer or anything. Deer came out of the water, jumped onto the bridge. The cop bought the story. They're sitting there kind of waiting. A little time goes by more cops start showing up and eventually the tow truck gets there. The cops see the tow truck and they say, Oh, we actually have to have the dive team do that.

You're not allowed to call in your own people. He, I guess leaves at that point to talk to his friend at the fire department. He asked him for advice and the guy says, whatever you do, don't let the dive team get the car up because you're gonna have to pay the bill and it's gonna be crazy expensive. Oh wow. So my dad heads back to the bridge

and by then some more cops were there, it was pretty crowded. And he goes up to the cops and says, hey, I really don't need the dive team to get it out. I can get it out myself. And the cops say, no, you're not allowed to do that. So he went over to his tow truck friend and asked him, what am I going to need to do to get this car hooked up to the tow truck? The guy says, you have to break out two of the windows and wrap the strap through

the windows. Then I can pull it out. They start conspiring and sort out some details. The guy hands my dad a hammer and the strap. Oh my God. And my dad just like books it towards the water and dives in. Oh my God. Cops are just like screaming at him at this point.

He looks so guilty of something. Yeah, like there's gonna be a body in the car. Yeah. He smashes the windows, hooks up the straps, and the tow truck starts pulling it out. Wow. Well, this is a good friend of the tow truck driver because he's kind of like now interfering

with the investigation of some sort. Instruction of justice. Yeah, yeah. As everybody's sitting there watching, out from the broken windows starts floating beer cans, and liquor bottles, and school books. So the cop comes up to my dad, and up until this point he was totally cool and understanding,

but he comes up and says, okay, tell me what actually happened here. So my dad says, it's my kid's car, but I was driving it. The cop insists he's lying to cover for me. And my dad basically just ends up saying, you know, prove it. So the cop heads back to the car, writes up a giant stack of tickets, hands them to my dad. He's kind of scared at this point that he'd lose his truck driving license because he's a career truck driver. That didn't end up happening, but he did get six points on his record and thousands in ticket fees and everyone's insurance went up.

And what was the talk that you two had once this was all done and behind you? He got back to the house at about seven or eight in the morning. He pulls back into the driveway. I'm just standing in the driveway with a group of friends, still trashed because I'm a 17 year old jerk bag. I'm laughing about the whole thing. Oh yeah. Oh boy.

Then a couple days later, he opens up the paper and there's a giant story mentioning him by name saying that he, a professional driver, destroyed the Columbiaville Bridge in the middle of the night because of a deer. Oh, wow. Wow, I hope he got a copy of that. Wow.

Yeah, what was the guilt level? I want to say I was a good person and felt guilty in some significant way, but knowing myself at that age, I think I probably should have been more outspokenly thankful to my dad at that point. But as years have passed, he's definitely come to know how grateful I am.

Yeah. And he stoked yours over. Everybody pretty much thinks it's a good idea. Yeah. And he's stoked you're sober. Everybody pretty much thinks it's a good idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh man. Wow. That is scary.

Yeah, that's a big take in a fall. That's our biggest take in a fall. That's a big, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I love dads. Yeah, I love them too. Oh man. Yeah.

Cameron, please tell your father that I admire him and think he's a sweetheart. Will do. All right, pass that along. My wife will be kind of mad at me if I don't mention. I did release an album a couple of years ago, kind of goes over my whole sobriety story and everything. What's it called?

It's called Sundowning, and it's under my name, Cameron Masulo. Shout out. Yes, wonderful. Well, we'll check that out. Shout out. Yes, wonderful. Well, we'll check that out. Yeah. All right.

All right, take care. That reminded me and it's so sim. It's so crazy that we just heard this story. Tell me. I was just listening to Nobody's Listening Right and they talked about Mitch McConnell's sister-in-law, his wife's sister just died. She was like the CEO of something.

That's not really relevant, but anyway, she was at a friend's house or something on a ranch and then she was leaving and she was in her Tesla and she did like a three point turn and accidentally reversed or something and went over an embankment into a pond. Oh my goodness. It was like slow enough. She called her friends. Oh my God. And said like, hey, Iment into a pond. Oh my goodness. It was like slow enough.

She called her friends. Oh my God. And said like, hey, I'm in the pond, help. They came over and no one could get her out. And they called the police. It took like 20 something minutes for them to like get there and she died. No.

Yeah. Oh my God, cause everything's electric. I guess. Oh my God. Isn't's electric? I guess. Oh my god. Isn't that horrifying? It is. And then this little kid died in a sand hole. What?

I know, so many crazy things are happening. Well, just to put your mind at ease, there's no waterways for you to go into. You're gonna get yourself into the LA River if you try. Those are steel railings. Okay, well I did immediately obviously buy that tool. Oh you did? Yeah, and I have an extra one, whoever wants it,

that seat cutter and glass breaker. Knowing nothing about Mitch McConnell's sister-in-law or the wife's age, I'm presuming that she was older. I don't know actually, that's a good question. Okay. I don't know. Because I mean, my mind goes so like, can't you kick the glass out? Right.

None of those people could. Like something weird is happening. I don't even understand. They're just watching her. I don't get it. Wouldn't there be like a hammer or something? Or a vehicle to pull it out or? Yeah.

Rock. Anything. Anyway, it's awful. And then this, thank God he got out of there. Yes. Oh Well, well anyway good for all these people who took the fall for their loved ones. Yeah It's nice All right Do you wanna sing a tune or something? I wanna do a theme song. Oh, okay great.

We don't have a theme song for this new show So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions And with the help of our cherries We'll get some suggestions On the flyer rhyme dish On the flyer rhyme dish Enjoy