Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Unauthorized Evacuation II

Episode Date: September 12, 2025

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about an unauthorized evacuation.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi. My favorite prompt.

Oh, yes, your favorite. What's your favorite prompt? Gosh, that's like picking children. Meat cute. I love me, yeah. No, I like these. Okay, unauthorized evacuation to Bologna. It's the second time we've done that specific prompt.

We've done plenty of shitting prompts that are more specific. This is, we threw a broader net. Okay, we went back to a broader net. And once again, guys, it's perfect. They're so fun. They deliver every time. It needs its own feed. Just, just goody stories.

Enjoy unauthorized evacuations part, whatever. Come and go Good times Take them slow My life I had them both I've ever one thing You gotta know

I'm gonna keep on shining Hi Doug Douglas or Doug I just go by Doug Okay great Doug Where are you? I am in St. George, Utah I love St. George

That's right when you enter out of Arizona and it turns all red and pretty. Yep, it's great. Just like an hour and a half outside of Vegas. If you're an outdoorsy person, it's a great place. And a lot of pants shitting happening over there? Not here. So this story actually takes place out in Jacksonville, North Carolina.

May of 2018, I was stationed out there in Camp Johnson because I was in the Marine Corps Reserves. So I was out there for my MOS training for my occupation in the military. What's MOS? I was a motor vehicle mechanic. Good for you. Just to kind of give you a little backstory. So it was the end of the week.

It was a Sunday night. All my buddies and me were getting together in my barracks room for just an end of week celebration. So we decided to order this big pizza. We ended up devouring the whole thing. It was great. Toppings? Oh, gall. It was all meat pizza.

It was like pepperoni, sausage, anything you can think of meat-wise. And next morning floats around. And every morning, we have to. to be outside in front of the barracks at right around like five in the morning. So usually I wake up, do your morning business, take care of whatever, and then head on outside for the morning run. This particular morning, however, I did not have enough time to wake up and do everything that I needed to.

Sure. So woke up late, was scrambling to get my clothes together, slapped on my workout shorts. Are the shorts loose or are they tight, like bike shorts? Very flowy, green running shorts. Okay. I started to head outside, and I already know I'm not feeling too well. Something's going on down there, and I was like, well, this is the worst I'm a gig. I felt a long time, but didn't have time to really, like, go about it.

How long is the run scheduled to be? It's like seven plus miles each morning. Oh, my God. And also, are you allowed to call in sick? No. That's for civilians. But he's lost me so many times. It's like anything where I would have to be at attention at 5 a.m.,

which means I'd have to get up at 4 am. Because my movement takes a little finessing. I've got to have coffee and nicotine. Not if you're in the Marines. You can't do any of that. Well, I know I just have to wake up at 4 to get this whole thing running. Do they let you have nicotine there? Of course.

They all dip. They do, but you're not supposed to really have it on the job. Yeah, you're not supposed to. Okay, I was over in Afghanistan twice, and 90% of the people are dipping. Listen, Doug is right. right here in front of us. Okay, Doug, do a lot of the guys dip. Oh, yeah.

Dipping was a huge thing. Let's let the soldiers talk, Monica. Ew. Oh, my God. It's disgusting. Okay, go on, Doug. Go on. Sorry, Doug.

So we start out on this run. We get probably two and a half miles into it. I really have to go at this point. And so the sergeant who's leading the platoon in this run, he's up at the front. And I'm about four Marines back. Run up to the front. I was like, hey, Sergeant, I have to go. Is there anywhere I can go? And he's like, no, it's 5.45 in the morning. Nothing's even open. There's barracks around us and like office buildings, but nothing's

open. So he's like, you're just going to have to hold it. I'm sorry. I get back into formation. Just keep running. I was regretting all my life decisions at this point. And I probably ran for another like 15 minutes or so. And at this point, it was not happening. Shit, was starting to flow. I was prairie dogging. Oh, oh, no. This is so sad. Well, this is, you got to get tough. No. No. Bodies are bodies. We're on this paved road and there's a little ravine off to the right.

At this point, I don't even care about humiliation. I need to go. And so I barely make it down into this little ravine, pull my shorts down. They're about down to my knees, I'd say. and my ass is out in the woods and my head is sticking out of the woods and everything behind me is at this point getting painted.

It's like a Jackson Pollock painting and brown. It was an explosion. It was an explosion. Hey, sorry, that's a little insensitive because it's the military. Well, hold on. They specialize in explosions.

We don't know about PTSD. I don't know we've got to be sensitive. At this point, everything is going to hell. my shorts are covered my shoes are covered my socks are all covered really quick did the sergeant people what was happening yeah they were calling it out i dipped off into the woods and all this is happening and they can't leave you so this platoon just keeps doing U-turns running by me as i'm shitting my brains out on the side of the road so all of my buddies 35 40 guys probably are just running passed laughing their asses off at this point i'm very embarrassed most embarrassing moment of my life because

all my buddies are seeing me like this so finally about like the fourth or fifth pass by the sergeant's finally like hey you take care of you you do whatever you have to do we'll meet you back in formation after the morning chow hall so he takes everybody to morning chow and i'm left just by myself me and like smoky the bear out the woods nobody's even there and this is about a my from my barracks where I have to get back to to change. Oh, and you're just covered. Yeah, I have like one of two offices in my head. I can either put back on my shorts and my underwear and they're soaked and run back to the barracks

just covered in shit, or I can leave them there and run back just with my shirt and my shoes. Oh, wow. For whatever reason, I chose the latter. There was a third option on the table, which is remove you. your t-shirt and then like step through the armholes and make a little dip. You could have covered your testicles. I mean, it is a good solution, but I wouldn't have thought of it. Okay, so you chose to run back with your dick and butt. We need the poo style. Yeah. Yeah, so at this point, I have the

shirt long enough down where it covers my junk, but I'm just in my white sneakers and are now a white shade of brown and my white socks and I'm running back to the barracks. And I am running back to the barracks. And I worried about everything because a base higher up could see you. Like there's a lot of different factors that could happen if I get caught streaking on a military base. Yes. We finally make it back to the barracks and I was like, I can't let my roommates know what happened. So I just stripped down to nothing, run inside, shower, I freeze the whole room. You can't smell a thing. I was very proud of myself. So I get back out and I have to dispose of the evidence, so I toss it in the trash can, get dressed, and I meet him in

formation after they get done in the chat hall so we can head to our normal classes and stuff throughout the day. So I was feeling great about myself. They checked in on me. They were like, hey, you good? And I'm like, yep, I'm good. Second part of the story, we marched back to wherever we were going for our training that day. And about an hour or so into the training, I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh my gosh, my hands are getting so warm and my ass is on fire. And I was like, what's going on? Oh, no. And then it occurred to me that out in the woods, I had nothing to clean myself up with.

And the trees behind me had these pretty decently large leaves. And so I was like, this is all I can do to clean myself up. So I grabbed these leaves and I start wiping myself off. And I was like, great, this works. Everything's left in the woods. It's done with. And so now it's starting to occur to me, like, what did I wipe my ass with? Yes.

This is horrible. It ended up being poison oak. Then another half an hour or so it goes by. And it was on fire at this point. I needed to get, like, hell, it was burning. And so I asked the same sergeant who had taken me on the run, like, hey, I need to go to the doctor. He's like, Doug, you're a disgrace to this. unit.

Yeah. What if he kicked you out of America? So he's like, do what you need. Just take care of yourself, get better. So he sends me to the doctor, which is probably two miles down the road, I'd say. And so at this point, Chase on level 10. And it's May, so it's already hot and humid in Carolina. Oh.

I gave me some ointment and medication. And it ended up clearing up in like two weeks. So I was in pain, and I still had to go in the morning runs. Oh. Geez. They have all these really intense tests of durability and resilience. They should add this to like seal training. Now shit in the woods, now wipe with this and now carry on. I would argue what you went through is about as tough as a situation as you can find yourself in it. It was very implicit. But moral of the story is, if you order a big pizza, don't eat it and then try to run the next morning.

I wouldn't have thought a pizza. I mean, the meat, something probably, but it was only used. I'm not willing to blame the pizza. It's not the case of the painful pepperoni pizza. No. Are you still in the service? I actually get out my contract in September 11th of this next month, so I'm out. And did you like it? I loved it.

It was great to do once, but I wouldn't do it again. Okay. Oh, well, Doug, that was so much fun. Thank you. I'm sorry that happened. Yeah, me too. Thank you guys so much for meeting with me this morning. Of course.

Bye. Okay, I just had a full revelation. What is it? Do you think Winnie the Pooh? The reason he only wears a shirt is because he pooped everywhere, and that's why his name's Winnie the Pooh. Or I think it's so he doesn't poop himself because he's Winnie the Pooh. He poops a lot, and he couldn't risk putting pants on.

Okay, it's similar. It is. It is. It's just what direction? I just wish you would let me just have my ideas. Okay, I did let you. It's still your idea. I think one time he pooped in his pants, right?

And I was like, oh, I can't be wearing pants anymore. I'm not built for these. Yeah. And so then he became, his name was Winnie. Which is interesting. Original. Winnie is from Wonder Years. It's a female name.

And then he pooped. And then he became Winnie the Pooh. And he took off his shorts forever. I never overthought the name, but it's a wild name because it's a woman's name and then poo. And it's the poo. Yeah. Good for them. They stuck that right by us.

Hi. How are you? Do you have a fake name in mind? I don't. I was going to see if y'all could pick one. Mickey. I love that. I'll take it. Can you guess why I chose that? Monica's wrapping it. Yes, exactly.

I'm wearing a Mickey shirt for the listener. Mickey, where are you? I am in South Texas, kind of along the Gulf Coast area. Oh, okay, great. And you want a fake name, which means this is either ultra-embarrassing or there was some illegality to this evacuation. Both are exciting. Not illegal, just incredibly embarrassing, just saving the shame for my mom in case she ever hears of it. Okay, okay, okay.

Looking out for the parents. Great, I understand. For context, I went to a very, very small school. This takes place in junior high. So that is critical information. Okay, Mickey, I can't think of a worse time for this kind of an event to happen than junior high. Absolutely. Unlike you, Dax, I was not cool in junior high.

That was not my time to shine. I'm sorry. Oh, no, it's fine. I'm great now. Okay. But I went to a very small school. Our entire school fit on one city block. Even our junior high and high school were in the same building.

So it was junior high kids walking the hallway with high school students. Dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. Being at a small school, everybody plays every sport, whether you're good or not, you're almost begged to to make teams complete. So this takes place circa 2007. I was in seventh grade on the basketball team, and I was not a star athlete. I was a very chunky, very round kid.

I was a good trier. Okay, great. A lot of heart. I'm usually the personality hired. I rode the bench a lot, but I still went to every game and still showed up. When they put you in, what position were you playing? Oh, I don't know. Playing, please don't pass me the ball.

Stay away from the ball position. We had an out-of-town game this night, and being small schools, you usually have to travel pretty far to go to another small school, and it's always two-lane back roads through no-stop-light towns until you get to your no-stop-light town, which is home. So the game went all fine. After the game was over, tradition was that you change into your street clothes. We dump all of our uniforms in the dirty bag. The coach takes them back to the.

the gym, washes them for the next game, and we're all riding home in our street clothes. On the way home, we always stop at somewhere very Texas, a water burger, a dairy queen, something along those lines, where the only options are greasy burger, greasy chicken strips. So I'm sure I had one of those two options on this evening. And how long was the ride, do you think? Probably ride at about an hour. Pretty much all back roads in between. So we all load up on the bus, and I get the Covented cool backseat, you know, the one in the very back of the bus that's the single seat because you don't have to share with anyone.

So I was like, I'm cool. I'm in seventh grade. I've got the cool seat, you know. And so everything's going fine. It's dark on the bus. Another windows really rolled down. It's old bus. So it's just quiet.

Everybody has their headphones in, listening to music on our iPod Nanos at the time. And I just feel this gut punch. of a pinch in my stomach, and it just hits me like a wave, and I just start getting a little sweaty on my forehead, and then it turns into full body chills, and this all takes place in a span of about 90 seconds. And if you've ever played sports or road a school bus, you know there's no point in even asking to stop, because it's not going to happen, and in this case, there's literally nowhere for the bus to even pull over. There's not shoulders on these roads.

And be pulling into a ditch. Exactly, which I would have been fine. with. Yeah. So I feel this rush of anxiety, this rush of heat, full body sweat come over me. And the next thing I know, I just explode. No warning. No warning. You weren't even like fighting it. It just came over me, like literally exploded. And it was so bad. It filled up my jeans. It went up and out the back. It was all over the seat. Oh, mama is a bucket. It sounds like, oh.

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For tickets, go to Shawfest.com. Were there high schoolers on the bus, too? No, luckily this was only junior high, but it was still, you know, about 25 of my peers, which is not ideal. It just starts moving up the bus, road, a tidal wave of smell, and you just start to hear, oh, God, what's that? And someone said, oh, my God, did somebody fart? And all I could think was, babe, I wish. Oh, were you considering being like, I know, ew, what is that?

At this point, I knew I was going to have to make peace with my mess because there was no hiding. Like I said, it was all up my back, all over the seat, all in my jeans. Oh. There was no, let me just quick change into other pants. This sounds very much like a baby's diaper. Yeah. There's like a baby diaper situation, yeah. Yes, I just had a baby, and we just had our.

first blowout, so it brought that trauma. TST. There's a piece of this where I definitely trauma blocked. I don't 100% remember, but I know the girls just started moving up to the front of the bus. They're like three deep piled in the seats and the front two rows. Like I said, the windows wouldn't roll down. So the few windows that were, they're like breathing out of it. Were the adults like, oh my God.

I can imagine adults, like, girls, get to the front. Yeah, you run. There was one adult and she was driving the bus. Oh, no. Someone must have put together like, this is more than a fart. Someone chit their pants. And probably it was evidence that it was me because I was the only one not making my way to the front of your horse. What if you also just started going up back?

Think of this tableau of how sad this is like the reverse shot of this little girl. I am picturing and all these people. Cowering. There's nowhere to stop. So I just had to sit in my shitty pool of mess. You know, the back of the bus is most balmy. It is. Splish splash.

Yeah, until we pulled into a Walmart. And it was like a very small Walmart before they were like super Walmarts. So the bus driver makes her way to the back with that can of sawdust that they usually put on throw up and a pair of gloves. Did all the kids get off the bus immediately and just you and her now? Yes. And so she walks to the back and assesses the situation. And literally, she says, oh, God, what did you do? Drop your britches to poop?

Oh. I said, no, ma'am, it was just that much. Oh, Lord. So she kind of sprinkles some sawdust on there. What is the sada supposed to do neutralize the smell? Keep it from splashing around. It absorbs it. Then you can also sweep it up now.

You can't sweep up through it. up, but if you get it all in that sawdust, you can't. Yeah, and I don't know if sawdust is designed for diarrhea or just throw up, you know, the different makeup. So it may not have worked very well, but she was working with what she had like we all were. Sure. So she goes to the uniform bag, and this is the callback of where I was a very chunky kid. So she goes to the uniform bag, and she just kind of fishes for probably the biggest one she can find, not my uniform to put on to give me a clean pair of clothes.

So she hands me this random uniform and says, okay, go in. window Walmart, clean yourself off change. So I'm waddling through Walmart, probably dripping shit, just this trail of smell probably following me. So I go in there. Also, all the other girls decided to take this time to come in there and use a bathroom. So I'm, you know, can you wet this toilet paper and hand it back to me so I could clean yourself up? Oh my God. At this point, it was like, swallow your pride and get it done. So I come out of the bathroom wearing someone else's uniform. Poor number 13, you know, every time they put that uniform on the rest of the season, we're probably like, these are this shitty uniform. So we all load up in the bus. The bus driver

called my mom, because I don't even think I had a cell phone at this point. And, you know, I was like, you need to be there because it's like 10 o'clock at night by the time we get back to the school. So luckily, it had happened right before Thanksgiving break. So my mom let me stay home for two days because I think she just knew that's way too embarrassing. Let everyone have their for a couple days, then we'll go on break, and hopefully the rock still have died down in 10 days. Do you think people thought you, like, died? That would have been great. I might have gotten some sympathy out of it.

Maybe there was a rumor about that going around. The really only blowback, no pun intended, after I got back to school after the Thanksgiving break, was one girl in art class did come up specifically and sit next to me and said, did you shit your pants on the school bus? And I was like, yeah. She was like, well, why'd you do that? And I was like, I couldn't help it. Why'd you do that?

Kids are so fucking stupid. Kids are so stupid. It took me probably 10 years to be able to speak about this out loud. It was something I just buried. But truthfully, listening to y'all's podcast, hearing the other unauthorized evacuations. Yes, the survivors. I'm not the only ones.

So I figured if I can survive that, I can survive anything. I truly think that's why I don't get embarrassed anymore. I'm probably more confident than I should be. It's definitely because this traumatic event happened in my formative years. And I was fine. Now having a little baby girl, too, I told my husband, I was nervous to come on and tell this story because it is embarrassing. But I said, I want her to know it's okay to be embarrassed.

You'll survive. So I can't wait to show her this at some point. Oh, wow. I told my best friend I was coming on to tell this story. She said, oh, my gosh, which story are you going to tell the airplane story or the school bus one? Oh, great. You've sheet your pants more than once. Oh, it happens like every six months or something.

Oh, my. You're kind of like a dude. I like this. Yeah, we could hang. This could be a sphincter issue. Well, I don't want to say issue, but. I think you're perfect as designed. I think it's a character building.

design but yeah character building design there we go oh that was great oh i love that micky poor micky on that bus everyone deserted her she was a woman without a country they had to do what they needed to do for them too yeah i don't blame them but man but it's sad it's a sad scene i felt so bad that so many people were also affected because usually you poop your pants and it's a pretty insulated event maybe one other people. Not 25 of your peers in junior high are also participating in the misery. This is about as bad as it could get. Save maybe hooking up with your dream crush.

Oh, that's bad. At least that didn't happen. But other than that, the seventh grade school bus is really got to be up there. Yeah, it was pretty rough. Well, Mickey, thank you. That was delightful. Thank you for sharing it. You're very brave.

Thank you. Well, lovely meeting you. Yes, so nice to meet you. Beat the heat down there. I will. I'm trying. Okay. All right, take care. Bye. Bye. Thank you, Monica, for this beverage. Well, Rob ordered it. Thank you, Rob, for this beverage. You got it. I don't know why I thought it was on your account somehow. Well, it was my idea. It was going to be. Hi, Tony. How's it going?

We just got some beverages that were ordered by Rob and Monica, and they've just arrived and we're so excited. Cheers, guys. Look at this. What do you have? What's your beverage choice? I'm a cold brew fanatic. Beautiful. Where are you? at, Tony. Well, I live in New Orleans, but at the moment I'm on a road trip. I'm in Asheville, North Carolina at an Airbnb. I'm going in October. Have you been? Oh, yeah, many times, but Aaron and I are going to go on a motorcycle trip and be based out there and explore. That's very beautiful. The coffee scene is next level up here. Oh, is it? Okay, so from New Orleans, but in Asheville. Not from New Orleans. I've been living there for 10 years. I'm originally from Omaha,

Nebraska. Wow. All over the map. I'll say. You're getting a taste of everywhere. All right. So where did this unauthorized evacuation take place? This unauthorized evacuation took place in my hometown in Omaha.

Surprisingly not New Orleans. I would imagine plenty of people have shit themselves. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I got bourbon faced on Shit Street. It's my favorite shirt. That's a great T-shirt. So, yeah, this took place in Omaha, circa 2012.

I have to provide some. context in two ways. The first is I had a very boring day job. So to spice things up a bit, I took a job moonlighting as a bartender. It was at this three-story sushi and sake lounge called Blue Sushi. They now have like 20 locations across the country, a couple in Nashville, by the way. Shout out to my homies of Blue Sushi. It's arguably the busiest restaurant in Omaha. Very high volume, very popular. And the other thing you need to know is I lived in an apartment building across the street. This was all in the old market district of Omaha. I also have to tell you about Jason, who was the manager of our apartment building. Great manager, very fun guy, very

sociable, everybody's friend, loved a party, also my neighbor. So Jason and I shared a wall. It was a very busy Friday night at the bar. I was working. working on the third floor, a private party, packed house, having a great time, working with my friend Cassie, taking some shots. And then all of a sudden, this, like, grenade goes off in my gut. And my body did not give me any heads up on this. Had you eaten any fish prior to your shift? As I recall, I did not eat any fish.

I don't know if this was something I ate. But there was no warning. I was feeling great. And then I sharded. Oh, okay. And you're on the floor with this. the customers at this point? I am behind the bar.

I could feel it. I could smell it. Oh. And I knew that this was not the end. I didn't know what was coming, but I knew it was not going to be good. And so I tell Cassie, you got to cover for me.

And now I'm, like, frantically weighing my options because there are only two bathrooms in this whole establishment. The first is on the first floor, which is only equipped for a one-man show. Oh. And it's adjacent to the dining room, and it's like perpetually occupied. I don't want to do that. And the other bathrooms on the second floor, it's like a party in there.

And I don't want to subject anybody to what I'm about to do. I did the only thing that made sense to me. I ran down the stairs. I ran across the street. I ran to my apartment building. And then I meet my nemesis, which is the elevator. So this is like the slowest, ricketyest, most unpredictable elevator. And I'm just standing there waiting and hoping and praying, doing the, I'm going to shit my pants dance.

Yeah. Oh, I'm getting chills. Yeah, yeah. I thought about walking up the stairs, which is like five flights. the stairs. No way. Anyway, the elevator comes, I get in the elevator. And before I can get to my floor, the fifth floor, it's like turning on a garden hose.

I know you're going to ask about size and consistency. It just like ran down my leg and gets in my shoe. And then it ends up in like a perfectly round puddle on the floor of the elevator. Oh, cute. Hold on a second. So you got a lot of work on your plate now because you're going to have to like, somehow get the elevator to stay in position while you go inside to get some stuff to clean it and you're covered what a logistical fucking nightmare i have a lot of decisions to make because

first of all thank god there's nobody waiting for the elevator when the door open i don't know what exactly to do i'm an upstanding citizen i like to think i'm not just going to shit in in my own elevator and then like not clean it up but i have to like finish shitting i'm like do i do that first? Do I try and clean the elevator first? It's kind of a riddle. It's one of these. You've got a chicken, a fox, and a bag of grain, and you've got to cross the river and go back and only these two can go together. Even if I do go clean, how would that even work? Do I have to, like, crop open the elevator? I don't have, like, a janitorial bucket or supplies or anything. So I just run back to my apartment and just finish. Yes, that's wise. I feel great. And I turn on the

shower. I kind of wash myself off. I changed my pants. Flip on the TV. Crack a beer. Call my mom. And then I like grab some paper towels and some windex or some shit. That was like all I had. And I run back to the elevator. I get in the elevator and it's already cleaned up. Oh, no. I'm confused. But I'm just like, all right, fuck it. So I went back to work. So I run back across the street. I get back there, and Leah, my friend, who is also the manager, is fucking pissed. She's like, where the hell were you? And I'm like, Leah, I'm wearing different pants. Great. That's an elegant way to say it. Then I finished my shift. I kind of forgot about the whole

thing. Yeah. Good night. Tips, more shots. Yeah. Some fish. And then I get home and it's like, you know, 1.30, 2 in the morning. I get in the elevator, and there's a sign in the elevator. handwritten by Jason that says whoever shit in this elevator is fucking out of here with like 14 explanation points. Oh, oh boy. I didn't really know what to do.

I lived in the building for four more years after that, just like harboring the secret, perpetually afraid that I was like going to get evicted if he found out. So that's the story. And I guess my confession, So, Jason, if you're listening, I'm really sorry, dude. It was an accident.

He'd think someone did it kind of off purpose. Yes, it was like an act of terror or something. And you're lucky, too, there wasn't any shit shoe prints walking to your apartment. I got lucky in a multitude of ways. There were no witnesses. There were no residents coming in out of the elevator. You had two options. I think he chose right, which was the other one would have been to buy his favorite bottle of,

whiskey and come over and been like, hey, man, I'm the worst. I'm so sorry. I know it must have been terrible to clean. I came back to clean it up. You got to know, that would have been your only other option. But you did what everyone would do. It's not too late to track him down and get him a nice shivis regal or something, you know? Hopefully he hears this. He's such a good time, Charlie. I hope he's still alive. To be honest, it sounds like he was burning a candle at both ends. I know for a fact, he's still alive. Okay, good, good, good. I saw him the last time I was in No, on. Of course, I was thinking about this the whole time I was talking to. This is good. You finally get to release this.

Yeah. Unburnt yourself. Well, Tony, thank you. That was great. Yeah, that was fun. Yeah. I don't know what my spontaneous road trips would be without your podcast. So, thank you guys so much. Oh, thanks, man. Thanks so much. It was so nice to chat with you. Yeah. Have a great rest of your trip. It was a pleasure. All right. Take care. Bye. God, our bodies will really betray us. God. He can become our worst. enemies. You know, your brain is a hostile place. It's not a safe place. Your brain. And your body can

attack you. I know. Our biggest enemy really is ourselves. It always is. Hi. Hi, Nicole. Hi, Dax and Monica. Oh, are you? What pretty wallpaper behind you. I love the delicate little blue flowers on the vines. And there's birds in it. There are birds. Did you apply that to the wall or it came with the residence? I did it myself. Oh, God. Where are you? Currently, I'm on Vancouver Island. I would say we've had a disproportionate amount of folks from Vancouver Island, considering how sparsely populated it is. It is pretty sparsely populated, and I'm from, like, a super rural town.

Were you anywhere near Pamela Anderson? Did she live there for a minute? Yeah, she's probably like three or four hours from me, and she still has a house here. She lives in a small town, too, and the local see her all the time. So I'm just hoping casually I'll run to her at some point. So how big is Vancouver Island that you can drive three hours on it? So I'm at the northern tip. And then for me to get to the southern tip, which would be Victoria, takes it anywhere between like six and seven hours depending.

Wow. Wow. That's huge. Yeah, it's pretty large. I'm going to look at a map after this conversation. Yeah. I'm pretty interested. Okay.

And is this where you had your unauthorized evacuation? No, I had it in Vancouver. Oh, okay. Okay, out on the town? Well, I was at my house on a date. Oh, wonderful. Take us through slowly and tell us all the deets. Oh, I will.

Oh, I'm going to stop you just for half a second because we had a gal on a minute ago who had shit herself on the seventh grade school bus. And I said that has to be the number one worst, excluding shitting yourself in front of your crush while getting intimate. So that's crazy I said that. And it sounds like this might be heading in that direction. It might be heading there. A little foreshadowing. Yeah. So years 2013. I'm around 24 years old at the time. I was living with a roommate who had a little boy, cutest little guy who was around three years old. The week previous to the state,

they had come down with the plague. So she said, probably don't stay at home this week. And I was like, that's a solid. I'm going to go stay with a friend. So I stayed with a friend for that week. And then I got back to the house. I'm like, it should be fine by now. And I have been casually seeing this guy for maybe a month. We've gone on like two dates to a restaurant. And he said, hey, do you want to watch a movie tonight? And I said, yeah, that would be amazing. And I'm pretty nervous.

I'm anxious, girly. I don't have a living room. I only have my bedroom. Okay. He was like, let's watch a movie, but at your house. In your bed. At my house. And can I just ask, the previous two dates, was there any physical activity?

Absolutely none. Okay, great. So come watch a movie in my bed. It sounds like you must have been expecting there would be some intimacy that evening. I wasn't sure. I think I was maybe hoping that could happen, but also we hadn't hugged yet. So I was kind of just hoping for handholding. Okay.

Wow. But you know handholding is actually the most intimate thing you can do more than anal. According to Monica. That's a well-known fact. Pretty sure he definitely wouldn't want to do that after what happened. He comes over. I'm so nervous. We go into my room. He's brought takeout and beer. So nice. Oh, this is so fun. I want to do this.

So he likes to eat food in bed. Some people don't like doing that. Oh, I do. I do too. But some people are really against it. I don't love it, but I didn't have a kitchen. I didn't have a living room. It was my only option. So we sit in bed. We turn the lights off. We start this movie. So the only light in the room is coming from the television. He is like starting to reach across the bed to hold my hand. And we haven't cracked out the food yet. And I get nervous and I immediately go and grab a beer instead and crack it. Oh, okay. So I take a sip of my beer and I just put it down in my lap. And I wanted to be cozy. So I'm in like really light colored sweatpants.

I start feeling my leg and it feels wet. Oh, wow. And I'm like, I wonder if I spilled my beer. I'm trying to be really discreet about it. He's still trying to make a move on me. And I'm feeling my leg. And it's progressed to my ankle. Oh, my God.

You are not feeling anything. I feel nothing. I don't feel sick. I feel totally fine. This is scary. Yeah, I must have spilled my beer. There must be a hole in this bottle somehow. I have no idea what's happened.

So I try to do like a little sieve test. Oh, sure. See what's beer. Just to make sure. And I immediately am hit with egg. Oh. Oh, my God. Oh, fuck.

And now you've really. At least it. I would be dealing with so many things at that moment. There's not just a shit in your pants, but it's like, what the fuck? Yeah, what's happening? I didn't feel bad. I'm covered. Like, I would almost feel like someone shit in my pants.

I think I would say he did it. He shooed and it got in my pants. I mean, wow, this is so confusing. I panic. And I'm like, hey, I'm just going to run to the bathroom for a hot second. And as I'm leaving, the movie gets bright. Oh. I look at the bed, and it is bright orange.

Oh, man. What has happened here? It's one of those oil diaries. Oh. Like the blockbuster. Yeah. Had you had those sugar-free gummy bears that day? I wish.

I read those reviews when I'm having a bad day. Yeah, it's so funny. Heavens to Mercant Troy. Did you consider just knocking over the beer? I think I would have knocked over the beer on purpose accident so that, like, it's just a big mess. It's like, oh, we got to get up and out of here. That would be the best move you could make, but also you're assuming you're in your frontal lobe at that moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I agree. That would be great. And hopefully it would mask some of the smell. I would have even picked up the thing of pad tie and just poured it on my lap and I'm like, I'm so clumsy. All right, I guess this day's over. See ya. See your way out. I should have probably thought of that, but I was clenching and running for the bathroom.

and this bathroom, I don't know who decided to paint it this way, but it was checkered black and white and red, floor to ceiling. Oh. It is everywhere. It's like a circus nightmare. So I am in there. I don't know which end to put in first because now full body sweats have fully hit me. I am soaking wet and I need to vomit.

Oh, no. Oh, yeah, because now we remember it's the sick. Yeah. I've got something bad. I don't know what to do, so I sit down and I just unleash. And then I start vomiting all over myself, all over the floor. Oh, Nicole. This is so bad. I feel like I've kind of let it all out, the bowel end. So I just turn it around. I stick the head in the toilet. The little bit of beer I had, it's gone. And I spray the wall with, feces. Oh. This is a two-end. Because you're now on your knees throwing up.

Yeah. And the projectile that's coming out of me has forced it. And it's such a small bathroom. It's really gone everywhere. And there's no shower in here. What? It's like I glitter bombed the entire bathroom. The checker print has just given me the spins.

I curl up on the floor. This is it. I don't know how much time has passed. And I haven't heard the door open and closed to the unit. So I'm assuming that, let's call him, Sam, is still in my bedroom. There's no way he doesn't know. I hear footsteps. He knocks on the door.

And he's like, hey, I feel like you're not doing okay in there, Nicole. It's the dialogue in these situations, I think is probably the best. I'm like, yeah, Sam, I've had better days. Everyone's trying to be so polite. Are you crying? Oh, I'm crying. I am completely covered. My clothes are destroyed.

I'm destroyed. And he's like, I'm going to go. I'm like, good idea. So I hear him leave, and I'm like, thank goodness, I can just kind of die on the floor. I can't even leave this bathroom because I am so covered. If I start walking to my bedroom, I'm just going to make a trail. The upstairs is my roommate slash coworker, and she's got dogs and a kid and all this stuff. And she had just left the house, and I was texting her, can you come back and bring me some clothes?

And then I hear the door open and close again. And I'm like, oh, thank God she's home. I'm like, hey, is that you? She's like, no, I'm like half hour away. Knock on the door. There's Sam. And he said, hey, I left a bag of stuff outside the door. I'm going to go.

And then I really hope you feel better. Inside the bag was a 10 pack of granny panties. Oh, he went out to the store. He got a care package. He got me two towels. And some new sweatpants and a shirt. Oh, what a sweetheart. Are you married to him now?

So here's the thing. I couldn't come back from that. Okay. Okay, so we did the right thing. But also, no one was going to try. We just, yeah, you don't have to let it go at that point. Oh, man. Monica, I know you want the happy ending and the meet cute.

When I met my now husband, it was early on in dating. I trusted a fart, I shit the couch. Wow, yeah, wow. Even after this whole... Nicole, you're wild. I like it. Oh, my gosh. Wow.

Oh, this is really like, shame on me, shame on you situation. Well, you know, some people have that condition. It's like they don't trust anyone loves them. So they come up with a crazy test. And they're like, well, if they love me through this, I think maybe that's simmering in your subconscious. Or maybe you just wanted to see is this guy as good as that one guy was. It's an interesting test.

Will anyone ever live up to Sam? My husband, the gem that he is, he said, you know what? Don't even look back. Go straight to the bathroom. I got this. He disinfected, clean the couch. I got to say, Kristen and I had this moment. We were only dating for, like, I think, a couple months, and we went to do this movie

together, and we're living in an apartment together, and both of us got this insane virus. One bathroom, and, yeah, she was in there both ends, and I came in and gave her a bucket it in the whole night, and we just were in it all of a sudden. That's a threshold you cross. It is. I had a baby at the time, too, so we were in deep. Oh, man. I hope Sam found a nice woman. He did. He's a good guy. He could take care of. Good guys find love. Nice woman. Yeah. Wow, that's harrowing. You are a survivor. I had so many unauthorized evacuation stories. It's hard to pick. Yeah. Do you think you have IBS? No, I think I just get illnesses or stress tummy, like before this, I was worried I was going to have one on the call with you on,

I believe. We're hoping for that to happen at some point. A real time. I know. My sister texts me. She's like, hey, like, make sure you go and do all the things you need to do, but right before the call. It doesn't sound like any of these situations you had any inkling that was coming.

Yeah, no, that one hit, like a freight train. I had no idea. It was so fast. And it's interesting. You didn't feel it coming out of your butt. That part is interesting to me. I've never had that happen since. Thank goodness. That was like a completely shocker to me.

Oh, Nicole. I'm sorry that happened. Yeah, that's great. Thank you. Oh, it brought me to you guys. Well, we wish you well, and we wish you some prolonged abstinence from unauthorized evacuations. Yeah. So does my husband.

Yeah. Okay, take care. Bye. I love you. That's, we have a lot to be grateful for it. It's always a gratitude-inducing topic. And a cautionary tale. But some of these.

aren't cautionary. Well, there are cautionary. It's like your butt can leak. I know, but when there's no warning. Ever go on dates. Yeah. Never leave your toilet. I guess that's the cautionary tale.

Ooh, we. All right. Love you. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh. Okay, great.

We don't have a thing song for this new show. So here I go, go, go. We're going to ask some random questions. hands in with the help of armchair, he's book and some suggestion. On the flyer rhyme dish, on the flyer rhyme dish, enjoy. Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short serve.

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