Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Waxing Debacle

Episode Date: September 22, 2023

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a waxing debacle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh, right. This is, I'm not even going to say our names because everyone just turned this thing off. Yeah, yeah. And I got to say specifically if you're a woman. A dude might be able to get through this, but certainly if you're female and you're listening, throw your phone in the river right now. Seriously, be careful. Like, don't drive and listen. Don't eat.

Don't eat. But also. Don't listen while listening if you're gonna. If you ever are interested in getting waxed again, like, don't listen because I was supposed to. You were scheduled. Quickly after and I haven't gone. Yeah, because you're shook. I'm so shook.

So don't listen, okay? It was about waxing debacles, but it's not for you. So don't listen. Have a good day, though, anyways. Yeah. With love, Dax and Monica. Can you hear us? Coming up.

Yeah, there it is. Now we got it. Yay! It just took a second to connect, I think. I think I hit the wrong button. That's okay. I can't. Are you doing a ton of interviews over Zoom? No, I usually use Teams.

Teams. Everyone I work with in Michigan loves Teams, too. I don't know if it's geographical or something. I don't know. My cousin works for Zoom, so I feel like I should know better. Oh, God. Betrayal. Riley, how are you?

Where are you at? I am in Denver. Wonderful. Does your waxing debacle take place in Denver or another location? It takes place in Newport News, Virginia. So on the coast in Virginia. Real quick, Newport News? Yes.

Why add the news? What's that? That sounds like you lived at a newspaper. I have no idea. It's where Christopher Newport University is. It's a school of about 5,000 that not many people have heard of. Great school. We love it. Love it. Okay. So what year are we talking about? 2020, right before the pandemic hit. Okay. It was February 2020, my senior year of college. And my best friends and I were about to go to St. Lucia for spring break. So my best friend texts me and she was like, I really want to go get a bikini wax, but I don't want to go by myself. Will you go with me? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. That sounds like so much fun. I'm in great shape. Might as well have a nice wax before our vacation, be in bikini, ready for the beach and just ready to go. We schedule our appointments and we go like the next day to the local waxing place and our estheticians take us back. I get super chatty when I'm nervous.

Really quick, was this your first waxing experience of your life? I had like my eyebrows waxed. Okay, much different. Very different. More sensitive area. I knew it was going to be painful. So I was like mentally preparing myself. So I was definitely nervous. I'm like chatting and the esthetician's like, okay, take off your pants. And I was like, okay, great. Lay on the table.

And then Dax, I don't know how many bikini waxes you've had. I'm sure tons. But you lay like butterfly position and then you lay down. So like they can get all the angles. Hold on, hold on. Butterfly position meaning you're on your back and your legs are up and spread as far as they'll go. They're like this.

Hold on, Monty's going to demonstrate. They're like this. Oh, okay. Just like that, yes. Oh, I've had many. So for the listener, Monica put her bottoms of her feet together and made a diamond shape.

And imagine be fully laid back, yeah. Yep, laid back and very exposed to a stranger. Yeah, splayed. With like bright lights, all that. So she like starts putting the wax on. I'm again, still chatting, making conversation. So she starts to lay the strips down and I look away because I'm like, this is gonna be painful. If I see it coming, it's gonna hurt worse.

So she puts her left hand on my stomach to like brace herself. I look away because I'm like, this is going to be painful. If I see it coming, it's going to hurt worse. Right. So she puts her left hand on my stomach to like brace herself and then uses her right hand to pull. And she pulls and I'm not looking. And she said, oh, my God. Oh, she let out an oh, my God. This is the last thing you want to hear. Oh, no. She says, you didn't tell me you were pregnant.

I just felt your baby hear. Oh, no. She says, you didn't tell me you were pregnant. I just felt your baby kick. Oh. Wait. Oh, wow. I thought she tore off some labia. And she said, oh, shit, you didn't tell me you were pregnant. I just felt your baby kick. Because her hand was in her bracing.

This is so weird. That's not what I thought this was. Wait. We need more information. Were you? This is the weird. That's not what I thought this was. Wait, we need more information. Were you? This is the best shape I've been in my life. I was confident about my body at this point. I could not have been pregnant.

Like, literally impossible unless I was the Virgin Mary. Right. Right. And I was like, uh, not pregnant. And she says, are you sure? Because I just felt your baby kick. Your baby kick. Your little baby Jimmy just kicked me.

Your little baby boy. Your little baby, you got a bouncy baby boy in there, just gave me a kick. And she's like, I would have been more careful if I had known. And I was like, not pregnant. And she's like, oh, well, then that was just like super weird. I like stopped talking. I'm no longer nervous. This is uncomfortable.

I look pregnant, apparently. Well, worse. Something's moving. I'm no longer nervous. This is uncomfortable. I look pregnant apparently. Well, worse. Something's moving. Something's moving in you. You heard body shaming. She said, I felt a kick. Yeah. She didn't say, whoa, what a big belly you have.

She got kicked. She felt something kick her hand. So you had either, well, A, she could have totally imagined everything. But B, maybe when you turned your head to look away, your abdominals, which you're telling me were in peak shape, tightened. I think that is what happened. My abs just tightened. And the way they tightened, they like kicked. Right.

Your little baby. And kicked her. Oh, my God. I didn't know you were pregnant. Oh, my God. I didn't know you were pregnant. Oh, my God. I didn't know you were pregnant with a little baby boy. It's so vulnerable. You're naked.

You're naked. I walked out and my friends, they're like, how was it? And I was like, it was fun. And they're like, Riley, what happened? And they thought it was the funniest thing. They were like, this is the best thing to ever happen to you. Did she do a nice job, though? Were you delighted with the outcome? And have you ever gotten another? Yeah, I have. But every time that I've gotten a wax since then, I have been like,

my first waxing experience was really bad. She told me she felt my baby kick. Okay, you're prepping. Yeah. All the estheticians since then have been like why would she say that yeah that is so inappropriate it is inappropriate because also what if you were i mean all of it's just weird i don't know well perhaps if you were when she leaned her body weight on your stomach for some weird reason like it's an interesting but then you would just is that normal is that what they do to you monica They put their hand on your stomach? Sometimes.

And they lean their weight in there? Well, they don't necessarily lean their weight. They just sometimes have a hand there. They're also trying to make sure the skin is taut. Taut. So they're pulling up on your belly maybe? But also, it'd be up to you if you're pregnant to be like, oh, I'm actually pregnant. Don't lean on my baby.

What's my baby in there? Have they ever thought you had a baby? I've never experienced that. They might have thought it, but they didn't say it. They didn't say it. One esthetician that I told that story to, she was like, oh my gosh, I've never said that. And now I know this is what I meant to do because I would never say that to a client. I've just told you, you found your calling. She had, yeah, just a total normal level of social awareness. Oh, man. Well, Riley, thank you for that story.

And congratulations on the pregnancy. Thank you. I have a dog child. Oh, I just felt your dog kicking. You got a little puppy in there. All right, Riley, great meeting you. Thank you so much. All right, take care.

Bye. You remember my story that I was getting a wax and then she told me she was a listener? Oh, while your... Yes. Your pachydermis was exposed? Yes. It was really uncomfortable. You know...

Nope. You know, you know, you know. How about this? I guess what you're saying is then she could then say, I've seen Monica's pachydermis. What's the fear? All of it. It's very uncomfortable and vulnerable. Yeah.

I'd almost rather know that the person had a similar worldview as me. No. Like, what if you came in and they were listening to, who's the guy who screams and his blood vessels almost blow up out of his head? He lost the defamation case from Sandy Hook. He owes him a billion dollars. Alex Jones. Alex Jones. If you're laying there and she's coming,

and she's like, have you listened to today's Alex Jones episode? I would hate that compared to like, hey, I'm an arm cherry. No. Nice pussy. Well, what if you were getting your butthole waxed? Would you want someone to be like, I love without a paddle? Great question. I also know you're afraid of your butthole. You're getting your butthole waxed. Would you want someone to be like I love without a paddle? Great question. I also know you're afraid of your butthole.

You're so happy. He just compared your vagina to my butthole. Because you're self-conscious. Are you self-conscious about your? It's a vulnerable area. Yeah. It's private. Private, yeah.

You're privates. If someone knows you, they're going to tell someone. Okay, well, just wanted to make sure that that was the fear. And it's uncomfortable that somebody recognizes you as like up in your vagina. Because your preference would be to basically be anonymous in that situation. Yes, of course. That makes sense. Of course.

Just like you with your butthole. Okay. All right. Next caller. To be fair, I'm pretty happy with my vagina. It's not that. It's just very intimate and vulnerable. It's a very fine line.

Would you let Callie wax you? No. Okay. She doesn't know how. Hello. Hi, Erica. You guys. Hi.

I can see the chair and the dog. The pair of chairs. Where are you at, Erica? I am in a western suburb of Chicago called Elmhurst. Wabi? I know Elmhurst. Of course you do. He knows it. It's a beautiful place to live.

Yeah. Before we hear your waxing debacle, would you allow one of your female friends to wax you? What part of my body? Vagina. I'm going to go with no. Okay. I said no also. Here's my question.

Yeah, hit me. Brazilians, are those still popular? Like, I'm so out of the loop. Yeah, I get no also. Here's my question. Yeah, hit me. Brazilians, are those still popular? Like, I'm so out of the loop. Yeah, I get them sometimes. Like, are people still doing this? Or is this like old hat and everybody wants the 70s vibes? As you know, I've been out of the scene myself for a little while now. So I don't know.

But I know growing up, a woman had a nice full bush. And then all of a sudden, everyone had zero hair. And then it does seem like maybe there's a resurgence of some hair i feel like it's still popular to have full bare vagina i think it's just varied it's not like there's just one thing to do now where it's no hair a lot of people have some or they have that triangle piece. Yeah. So I used to be an esthetician. Okay. So I'm coming at this from the, I did this to someone. Oh, I can't wait. Oh, wonderful.

So that's why I was like, hell to my no, I'm not letting my friends wax down there. Okay. That makes sense. And I didn't mean to disrespect your trade by implying that the lay person could do it to their friend, but obviously can. But I do think they do. They definitely do. I should also say I haven't been an esthetician in like 20 years. So this is a very old story of when I was learning to be an esthetician. I went to a aesthetic school. It was called the University of Aesthetics.

It was very fancy. We shared a parking lot with the Hooters out in Downers Grove. That's a nice one, too. Yeah. The girls would come over sometimes and have stuff done. And we did facials and things like that. So it wasn't just ripping hair out left and right. So I was 20.

I was a new student. And we were learning the Brazilian. Everybody was doing it. It was hot. 2003? It was 2003. Good, fast math there. Peak years for the Brazilian.

Indeed. So we had learned to do it in school. And when you're getting your aesthetics license, you have to do a certain number of hours. I want to say when I went, it was maybe like 500. Again, this was a long time ago. So I'm sure the laws have changed. In order to meet those hours, you have to practice, obviously. And at the time, I lived with my sister. We had this dumpy condo in the south suburbs. She was game. Oh, my God. This is very exactly. Yeah. It was a very ding, ding, ding. So I will say that I have waxed a number of my friends as well as my sister. Yeah. So I feel like some people might think that's weird, but I don't know. It doesn't seem weird to me. Who gives a shit, really?

Yeah. Now, the way that I learned it originally was with soft wax in the strips. So what you would like normally think of, there are better ways to do a Brazilian. Oh. We don't have to get into that right now. Hard wax. Yeah. What's the difference?

So one of them, it smears on smoothly with like a tongue depressor. Is that what you use? Yeah. So you would like smear it on with a tongue depressor is that what you use yeah so you would like smear it on with a tongue depressor you go with the hair to apply okay and then you pull the skin tight and you whip off to go against the grain okay you all right monica you look like you're gonna yeah i hate that i hate that you gotta make sure that skin's tight the tighter the better so as you can imagine that's very difficult to do with another region.

Yeah, there's so many crevices. Right, what skin are you going to grab? That area in general, the skin is meant to expand. That's right. To let babies out, things like that. So you're not going to get a real good taut skin situation down there. So it can be very, very tricky. Plus the hair is growing in all different crazy directions.

It's so squaggly. Very. No, but the hard wax. Squaggly. Explain the hair's growing and all different like crazy. It's so squaggly. Very. No, but the hard wax. Squaggly. Explain the hard wax. So the hard wax, you don't have to use a strip. It cools on its own and it can be hard. Think candle wax. I don't prefer that one. I used like a softer one that was almost like a putty, kind of like silly putty texture. Okay. It was even the same color, but for this particular waxing debacle, it was soft wax with a strip. Okay. So we get everything all set up. We're going to do this in my sister. Her name's Kate in Kate's bedroom, puts towels down. I got my wax heating up. I got all my strips,

you know, I got the top portion done. Right. That seems like the easy. Yeah. You can taut the skin from above in that case. Yeah. Pull the leg to the side. Like, there are techniques. So, we got the top done, got the interior of the leg, like the leg joint area done, and we were getting down to, like, the nitty gritty. Glavia. Vulva. Yep.

We're getting down there. It's at this point that I should probably also tell you that my sister had a cat. Oh, no. That's what we need. That's what we need in this situation. A couple sisters. She had rescued it from my aunt, and the cat was very reclusive. I kind of forgot about the cat most of the time.

She lived under the bed. He didn't see her very often. Anyway, so we're getting down to the nitty gritty and I put the wax down right in the sweet spot, I guess you'll want to call it. I pull the skin as taut as I can. I rip that. I'm sorry, I ripped that strip off and nothing happens. The wax does not come off. It's just this big wad of wax stuck in the hair. The strip came off. The strip came off, right, and left the wax buff. But none of the hair or the wax came off.

Obviously, this is quite painful. Kate's screaming. I'm like, okay, okay, just relax. I know what to do. You put a little bit more wax on to like heat it up again and then you just go over it and we'll see what happens we're gonna go over i listened to how my daughters talked to each other and i had lots of female cousins sisters aren't sugarcoating anything right had she been a client versus sister probably would have been like ma'am i'm so sorry but

this is normal probably for her you're like just cut the shit we got to get this off fucking shut up let's go right i was like i need you to calm down you're gonna start sweating it's gonna get worse oh so i put some more wax on notes at this point and i talked to her yesterday so there's like a little discrepancy in our stories she says that the wax dripped off of the stick and then glued her labia together. I don't remember it that way. Right, right. But it's not my lady bits, so I'm gonna go with her version of the story. Needless to say, I was like, okay, this will be okay. Just relax. I'm gonna rip off the wax and that wax will come off too. Put another strip down, try to get that taut,

And that wax will come off too. Put another strip down. Try to get that taut. Rip it off again. She's now like screaming bloody murder. Cannot get this effing wax off. Wait, so but this isn't. So it's still hurting even though nothing's coming off.

It's sticking enough to like rip the hair and rip the skin. But it's not enough to actually rip it out and remove the wax on the hair. Oh, my God. So now we're getting blood. Now we're getting more screaming. And you only really want to go over an area, just even like a normal area, maybe twice. So now we're looking at three times. So the wax is still on there.

Kate's screaming. I'm screaming at her like, okay, now we're getting desperate measures here. Like, shut up. It's going to be fine. Stop crying. I need a baby. If we have to, we can just cut this out. It'll be okay.

Right. She'd be like, yes, we have to. Yes. I turn my back to get the scissors. That fucking cat comes out from under the bed and chooses this moment to jump onto the bed, onto my sister, who is basically spread eagle, but with her parts stuck together with the sticky patch. The cat jumps up, lands. Kate's screaming again.

I'm screaming now because this cat's here. Get the fuck out of here! Running, screaming, yelling. The cat takes off. I think it just left like a little tuft of like loose fur. The cat was oh that's not what i'm worried about i'm worried about her i thought maybe the cat was gonna get stuck on her or try to eat eat the wax maybe momentarily stuck on her oh my god quick enough to just like sink the claws in and then take off. Jesus Christ, your poor sister. I went to a totally different place in my head about this cat revelation.

What? And kind of like, oh, the cat heard her mom screaming and crying and kind of probably came up to comfort her. I didn't think cats have that in them. Yeah, I'm like having a breakthrough moment with maybe cats. Wow. That is not what I took. Anything's possible. Kate's still laying there.

She's screaming. We're both like laughing hysterically also. Yes. I try to cut out as much of this wax and hair and cat fur or whatever is possible. You made a mess of it. It's a nightmare. It's bleeding. It's bruised. Wax

bits everywhere. Yeah, it's awful. So I was like, like we're gonna call it for tonight we're done here i'm not going over this we're not gonna attempt to do the other side we're gonna have to put you in a hot bath to dissolve this wax because it's almost like a sugar wax type of situation i was like it will dissolve to a certain point but because there's so much on there i can't just go straight to the solvent so i'm'm like, let me go get the bath going. Let me get this in some scalding hot water. Oh, bleeding. Oh, fuck.

I know. I was 20. My brain wasn't even fully formed yet. Get the bath going. She walks in like a cowboy. Like she just got off of her saddle. I'm like, all right, before you just like plunk yourself down, you got to remember you're sticky down there.

You're going to stick to the tub. But before I could tell her, don't sit down, she immediately sits down and adheres herself to the bottom of the tub. Oh my Lord. What? All this wax, the cat, and now you're stuck to the bottom of the tub. I want to say it took about 30 minutes. To dissolve. For all the wax to dissolve enough. Yeah. And then we got her cleaned up. And then when you drained the tub, you had a big smear of wax with hair on it. This feels like a Judd Apatow move. Like some sort of. Yeah, set piece.

Yes. I know. It does seem kind of over the top. It should have just ended with the cat, but no. Wow. She stuck to the bottom of the tub. Did she ever let you wax her again? Yes.

Good for her. Wow. What a good person. I got better at it, and then I became the best Brazilian bikini waxer of my graduating class. Wow. Oh, wow. Okay. Underdog story.

Happy ending. So I learned from my mistakes. Use hard wax. Clear the room of all cats and canines. Get all the hamsters and gerbils and snakes and birds out of the room. Right. Well, Erica, your poor sister, please send our condolences to her and thank her for letting you tell that story to us. Yeah, for sure.

Well, it's so nice meeting you, Erica. It's so nice to meet you, too. Have a great rest of your night. Bye. Bye-bye. Man, the cat getting stuck on her cat. On her kitty. Her cat on her on her cat. On her kitty. Her cat on her kitty.

Cat caught in a kitty. You know, we knew these were going to be gruesome. I mean, how could we have not known they were going to be gruesome? Yeah, but they hurt. And I don't even have a vagina, but I'm imagining. It's so sensitive down there. Pussy pack. Oh, my gosh.

Not everyone has pussy pack. not everyone's got pussy pack adermis so think for those people not thick skin how it feels skin what'd you say i think those are gonna get more gruesome the last two oh god okay let's talk to quote k that's a good sign sign. Every kiss begins with... Hello. Hi. Hi. Is this Kay? Yes, it is. So nice to meet you guys. So nice to meet you. Every kiss begins with Kay. Isn't that a song? That's a jewelry song. It's a jewelry song, right? Where are you at, Kay? I'm in Toronto. Oh, wonderful. Are you from there or did you relocate to Toronto? Born and raised. Born and raised. It's a great city. Arguably, I'm sure most Canadians will hate me saying this, but it's the best city in Canada. Vancouver is fighting me so hard right now. Yeah. It's good to know you guys have the Toronto,

Vancouver beef like the New York, LA beef. So it's at least comforting that it's universal. So Kay, you had a unfortunate waxing debacle or maybe fortunate i don't want to put words in your mouth i guess it's fortunate because i get to chat with you guys but at the time it was quite unfortunate this happened almost 10 years ago so it was one of the first times i'd ever gone for a bikini wax was there an occasion coming up were you going to do a lot of pool swimming no honestly i had started doing it and i like, the feeling of being a dolphin is just amazing and I want to continue this. Yeah, it feels nice. Yeah, you're like fun, fresh and exciting.

Yeah. So it was one of the first bikini waxes I'd ever gotten. There was a local salon that I was going to. I get into the room. The esthetician asked me if I've done this before. I said, yes. She said, have you ever done this? You said, yes, but that was your first time.

No, no, it was one of the first times. Oh, one of, okay. I thought that was interesting. You chose to lie because I would have You said yes, but that was your first time. No, no, it was one of the first times. Oh, one of, okay. I thought that was interesting. You chose to lie because I would have done that too, but that's not what happened. The first time I went, I did lie. Okay, good. That's comforting.

Have you done this before? Yes. Okay, so then you know you need to take your pants off. I'm so the opposite. Like, no, never done it. And I'm nervous. Like you want to tell them. Because if you tell someone you don't know what you're doing,

then you make yourself vulnerable to their input and their exploitation. So you always act like you've done it. Like you want to tell them. Because if you tell someone you don't know what you're doing, then you make yourself vulnerable to their input and their exploitation. So you always act like you've done it so they don't try to pull anything on you because you're constantly vigilant. That's such a bad idea in a waxing situation. It's not a great idea, but that's what it's from. Yeah. Yeah. You know, take my bottoms off. I lay down and put the little towel over top of you. And I'm sure anyone who's listening or, you know, Monica, it's kind of awkward. You're just like laying there waiting for someone to come back to just stare at your vagina while they rip the hairs out. So she comes back and she starts. So she puts the first bit of wax on and it is hot.

Like it's not warm. It is hot. That's happened to me. Scalding? Too hot. Well, I tell her this and she basically tells me that it's like not is hot. Yeah. That's happened to me. Scalding? Too hot. Well, I tell her this and she basically tells me that it's like not too hot and that I'm just being sensitive. Thin skinned. Yeah. So I just grin and bear it as she's doing it. I'm like,

this is a lot more painful than I remember it being, but finish it up. I pay, I go home. Because the swan was around the street from my house, I was walking home. But as I'm walking home, it is very sensitive and very uncomfortable. I get home and I'm thinking to myself, this is not normal. I know I'm not a season pro at this right now, but this isn't feeling right. So I sit on my couch and I take my pants off and I get a mirror and I look at myself and the right side of my labia has been completely ripped off. I was not being overly sensitive when I said it was too hot. What does it look like? Bear with me and my anatomical knowledge, but when I'm thinking of the labia, the menorah, the inside labia, right? So the outer labia.

The labia majora. Exactly, yeah. Skin is missing. I can't. Although that's better than I was nervous that the menorah had disappeared. No, no. And then I thought, how could you have walked home? Okay, so I'm glad I clarified. So obviously I'm alarmed because not only is this painful,

but it's also like alarming to look at your vagina and like part of it's missing. Is it bleeding? You know, like when you get a burn, it's that raw skin. That's what it was. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water.

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It's made with pH balancing mineralsancing minerals and crafted with skin-conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way and smell like you didn't. Find Secret at your nearest Walmart or Shoppers Drug Mart today. so I call the salon and I tell the receptionist what happens and she thinks I'm over exaggerating the situation so then I say like can I please speak to a manager because I don't think this is normal so I talk to the manager I explain the situation and basically she's like, okay, well, we'll talk to the esthetician and she won't ever wax you again. But next time you come in, it's free. And I was like, well, I'm not coming back. When your majora has healed, bring it back in. Oh, you got one on the house. Exactly. The story doesn't end there. So a couple of weeks

go by and I'm going up to a cottage. And this guy that I'd had a crush on throughout my teenage years, he's also going to be there. Oh my God. And so we've been like flirting before this trip. We get there, we're hanging out. Then one night it's just the two of us. We're holding hands and then holding hands leads to kissing. Then we go down to the dock with each other and we're like looking at the stars

and one thing leads to another and then he's getting a little handsy and he puts his hands down my pants and things are feeling really great. But then he stops. Oh, I looked at him and I was like, what's wrong? And he pulls his hands out of my pants and the scab from my waxy incident is on his fingers.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. and the scab from my waxy incident is on his fingers. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. This could not be worse. I love this. Welcome to hooking up. Oh my God. Oh my God. So needless to say, that was a boner killer.

It ended everything right then and there. Nothing happened for the rest of the night. Because how do you come back from, oh, a piece of my vagina is just wrapped around your finger. Hold on, hold on. I have a lot of follow-up questions. What age were you at this time? I was 21. Now, when I was 21, I was inordinately concerned about STDs.

Like anything that happened, I would just go straight to like this big paranoia I have when I hook up with people. So I would have thought if I were him, like, oh boy, she has something that she's scabbed up down there. Did you feel compelled to go like, I don't have anything? This was a bad waxing tell him what happened i did tell him later i explained the story i was like i got a wax a couple weeks ago and she literally ripped off a portion of my labia and you have the remnant or you had the remnants of that on your hand i think the only saving grace in that instance is I had known him since I was 15. We were friends. So it's not like some random dude that I just met.

You know, we could have the conversation and laugh about it. But I was absolutely mortified, to say the least, because I was not prepared for the night to take that kind of turn. That's really high on the list of embarrassing. kind of turn. That's really high on the list of embarrassing. And I'm going to ask, if you had had your choice, you could have either accidentally tooted in that situation or had the scab, what would you pick? Tooted, because at least you can both like laugh about it. Probably continue on.

Exactly. With a good time. I don't know, though, because tooting is like your own, quote, fault. But the scab is like- Sometimes it's not your fault, Monica. I know you don't believe me. We're not having that discussion right now. That's why I said quote, because I knew you were going to fight me.

But it is your fault. But the scab is like, oh, this lady. Like you can immediately- Deflect it. Yeah, it's not you. Right. You also have to think of your partner, which is would he rather get just a brief sniff of something unpleasant or have a scab on his hand? Well, what would you?

I'd be fine with both. I know. I don't give a fuck about either of those things. Does it grow back? The skin? Yeah, it must, right? So the third part of this story. Oh, wonderful.

There's more. Okay, good. I'm so sorry. I have to tie up the loose ends on the boy. Was there ever another romantic encounter? With him. So later. Okay, good. I'm so sorry. I have to tie up the loose ends on the boy. Was there ever another romantic encounter? With him. So later that week, yes. And he had been building it up for like a very long time that it's going to be great.

I'm going to rock your world that he was very well endowed. And then it came to it and it was incredibly disappointing. That happens. Yeah. Yeah. And then our friendship kind of fizzled out after that. Oh, that That happens. Yeah. Yeah. And then our friendship kind of fizzled out after that. Oh, wow. That's fine.

Yeah, yeah. So hopefully I left him with a memorable story. Oh, we're talking to him next, actually. I can't wait to hear it. His account. Oh, my God. Okay, part three. Okay, third, yeah.

So part three. So I was really shy or nervous about going to get waxed again because obviously that was traumatic. Yes. So this time I decided to go get sugared because someone had told me that I work with. They were like, sugaring is not as painful and it's like a lot better for ingrown hairs. Dax, you look very confused. Yeah, what is sugaring? It looks like flubber, basically.

It's made from sugar and it's like a lot softer. It's not hot so they can use the same little piece of sugaring wax i guess to wax you over and over again the same person they don't share it amongst people but right i go to the salon and i go to get sugared and i don't even think to tell her the story of what happened previously and she looks between my legs and she goes did something happen i couldn't even think about what she would be referring to. And I was like, what do you mean? Did something happen?

What's going on down there? Yeah. I like sit up and she goes, well, the left side of your labia looks quite raw. And I explained the story to her and the look on her face. She was probably more mortified than I was in the moment where that boy pulls his hands on my pants to see my scab wrapped around his finger. She's like, did you go to the hospital? Did you get medical treatment after this? I was like, no, I just tried to keep it clean and like put polysporin on it. Went up to the lake and got fingered. Isn't that what you're supposed to do?

Isn't that the course of treatment? She said to me that she was almost too nervous to even wax me because she didn't or sugar me i said because she didn't know if my skin could take it she's like we'll start on the rest of the area and we'll save that for lash goes but if i think the skin is too delicate i'm not gonna do this good for her yes but in the moment i was like so you're just gonna leave me with a random patch of hair i know i know was she able. I know. Was she able to do it? Yeah, she was able to do it. Okay.

Thank goodness. And I have not had a traumatic incident since. But I've also just stuck to sugaring since then. Okay. And then Labia has returned. Oh, she looks great. Okay. Everything's okay.

Great. Because I was going to say, you're kind of like a boxer. If boxers get a really bad eye cut, you know, for the rest of their career, that's going to open up a lot easier. That eye cut. Their opponents know that. So then it becomes a target. That's what I was thinking is you're going to have to always pamper that. No, she's made a full recovery.

Oh, you think she's robust. Okay. Maybe she has pussy pachydermis now because there's extra skin. Probably as it repaired. So now it's thick. Thick. I have to Google something when we get off this call and I'm going to freak out over that. No, we made that up.

We made that up. That's a word we once made up. And didn't your waxer say something about you? No, we joked that. None of that ever happened. None of that happened. We joked that I had thick skin. Like pachydermis is what you call an elephant or rhino or a hippo because they have extra thick dermis.

Pachydermis. So, pussy pachydermis is fake. We made it up. It's good you don't know because clearly you listened to the show. And we're just saying it like everyone knows. They heard that episode. Glad we retold that. Well, I appreciate you guys having me on.

And I hope everyone found my story entertaining. It was incredible, Kay. Oh, I love the twists and turns. That trip to the lake was something else. Well, so nice meeting you and thanks for telling us that story. It was delightful. It was nice meeting you guys too. Enjoy the rest of your day. Take care. All right. Bye-bye. That hurts. My vagina hurts. Of course. Of course it does. Mirror neurons. We're definitely going to have to tell people they can't listen to this one. This one is really bad for driving. Hello. Hi, how's it going? Oh, good. Michelle, where are you? So I'm currently in Colorado. I actually just flew in today. I live

in Florida, but I'm here with my wife checking out properties to see if we can eventually make the move over here. Okay. I wish you guys luck in your search. Thank you. And what year did this waxing debacle occur? And did it happen in Florida? It did happen in Florida. This was about six years ago. So 2017-ish. At that time, I was going through a tough breakup. So I was really wanting to kind of get my sexuality and confidence back. Reclaim yourself. Exactly. So my friend had been getting waxed for a while and convinced me to go with her. And it was horrible. It was very, very painful. And so I'd gone a few times. The incident really

happened probably about the third or fourth time getting waxed. Can I ask what city you were in? So I was in Melbourne, Florida. So that's on the East coast over in Brevard County, not far from Kennedy Space Center, if you're familiar with that area. Okay. Okay. Okay. South. Yes. Why did you want to know that? Because I think it's a big difference getting waxed in Miami, Orlando, Jacksonville, Tampa Bay. I think it's a different scene. Yeah. And like, if you're in Miami, I'm just guessing there's like one on every block and they're probably good at it and give a ton. If you're in Sebring, Florida, where the retirees

live, good luck with that waxing, you know? Yeah. I mean, that's pretty much, we're not Sebring, but basically it's all retired people. The wax places are kind of hard to find. So it was a little sketchy going in. Great. I thought there was something there. Okay. Every time you get waxed, it's super, super sensitive and tender your first couple of days following. And I'm sure there's all these rules they have that I either didn't pay attention to or wasn't told. But I was not exfoliated the way I was supposed to be and things like that because it hurt

so bad. I was like, I'm not going to do anything. I got this done for one purpose and that is to show it off and be praised for that. Yes. Be praised. We are similar in this way, I think. I broke the rule and first day after getting wax, I was having sex, which you're not supposed to do because your pores are open. And obviously with sex, you're sweating, there's different bodily fluids, just big opportunity for bacteria to get into your pores. Right. You said within a day. What's the real timeline? I would say probably within like three hours.

Okay. I was going to say, I was like a full 24 hours. Oh my God. Okay, great. Three hours. Very, very fresh. Also, that feels like, ow, because it is so tender for a bit. Right. And I didn't know what I was doing. I was like, ow, because it is so tender for a bit. Right. And I didn't know what I was doing. I was like, it'll be fine. I'm sure everyone does this. They don't.

I ended up getting a little bit of irritation. And I'm thinking, okay, it's just probably like a normal ingrown hair of your skin. Kind of has the opportunity to heal up before the hair's growing back through. So that's common. And I'm not new to an ingrown hair. So I'm not afraid to be like, let me get tweezers and see if I can fix this myself and just handle it. But because my entire vagina was swollen, everything, the whole front, everything, there was no clear head or

anything that I'm going for. I'm kind of just going in blind because it's swollen and hurt. Yes. Yes. So I realized that and I'm like, okay, let me just try to squeeze the sore area. See what happens. I squeezed and I felt just bad pain everywhere. And I was like, I'm gonna leave that for a few days. We're just gonna leave that babe. This is on your mons pubis basically. Yes. Okay, great. But closer almost to where it meets my thigh. And so when I'm walking, it's like a constant rubbing. Oh.

Yeah. So I was walking with a limp for a while and was just telling people that I had a sprained ankle. Oh. I was not going to tell them. You never know what people are going through. You never ever bump into someone and say,

well, I mean, thinking, I bet their vagina's swollen to all hell and rubbing against their thigh and that's what's going on. Or like how many people are walking around with UTIs? So many and you don't know. That's right. Exactly. A couple of days later after me initially trying to squeeze at this point,

it's getting much more swollen and it's super, super tender. And I'm like, there's definitely a problem here. So at this point I would wear leggings a lot. And when I'm wearing leggings, I could stand up and look down and clearly see like I was swollen on one side. Oh, wow. You had like a beer belly all of a sudden. I had a bulge. Yeah. Nice prominent bulge. Yeah. So I try squeezing again. Like, let me just try. You and I are identical twins. Yeah. I think I can just do surgery on myself. It'll be fine. I got to get through this point where it hurts and then great relief on the other side. I just got to commit. Exactly. And so I squeezed and I felt some relief, but instead of it coming out, it kind of felt like it went in. And I immediately was like, that's not right. And we're just going to leave that be and wait a few days.

So I ignored it a few more days. And at this point, it's very, very swollen. So the guy I was messing around with at the time, I've told him I'm sick. I've got the flu. You can't come over. And now I've spiked a fever. You have a fever. Uh-oh. And I'm like, okay, maybe it's just a coincidence.

It can't be related, right? So I'm taking a bunch of meds, hoping I can level the fever out. And after about like six hours of being at a fever around like 102, hoping I can level the fever out. And after about like six hours of being at a fever of around like 102, 103, I mean, high fever, I call my sister and I'm like, can you please bring me to the ER? I can't even drive. And I haven't told her about the waxing thing. As far as she knows, I just have a fever. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. And I'm like, everyone needs to think that my snatch is perfect. Yeah. Can't have word

out on the street being you got rushed to the ER to deal with your swollen vagina. Exactly. So we get there and I tell the doctor, hey, I've got a fever. Also not telling the doctor. Oh, no. I know. So bad. Again, I see you. They're running all of these tests. They're like, we can't figure it out. And I'm like, that's so weird. Why can't we get this figured out? So after probably three or four hours, they're about to discharge me. And I'm like, okay,

we need to let them know what's going on because nothing's going to get better. So I go and I use the bathroom. I think they requested like a pee sample or something, but I ended up using the bathroom and made eye contact with it again and was like, okay, enough's enough. We have to tell them. So I get back in there and I'm like,

just want to let you guys know, you know, there's this other issue going on. And the doctor kind of looks at me like, are you fucking kidding me? We've been here for four hours. Yes. I show her and she's like, okay, well, that's very obviously what's causing the issue here. Yeah. We need to lance this immediately. And so she did give me like a couple injections to kind of like numb it a little bit, but it barely numbed it and went on into slicing. And it was probably about a three inch slice. And when I tell you the nastiest of nasty shit, it came out.

But did you love it? No, I was like screaming. It was horrible. If it was on anybody else, I would have been the one like, let me help, let me get in there. But did you love it? No, I was like screaming. It was horrible. If it was on anybody else, I would have been the one like, let me help, let me get in there. But not on myself. It was so painful.

And it was a mix of like pussy blood. They were like, everything's really swollen. We think we got everything out because it was such a big incision. Like what we're going to do is what was open there. They packed it with gauze that was like soaked in iodine to help keep cleaning it out and so that it could continue to drain. And that I should come back in a few days, get it checked back out, see what's going on. So I leave there feeling pretty good.

Optimistic. Yeah. A couple of days go by. I fucked an hour later. So thankfully I was like, okay, there will be no sex at this point. So it starts getting really swollen, kind of slightly lower, maybe like an inch lower from the area they'd already cut into. And I'm like, okay, they definitely didn't get it all out.

So I go back to this same ER and I walk in, there's like so many people there, their systems were down. And so they're like, it's going to be 18 hours. We've got a lot of hospitals in our area. So they're like, you should go to the one up the street. Well, the one up the street,

everybody knows is like the hospital you don't really go to unless... You've been shot in the shoulder. Yeah, not the good hospital. But at this point, I'm desperate. I'm like, I already know the issue. I don't need you to diagnose me. Like I'll tell you the problem.

Just cut into me and get it out. Again, another... Oh, God. Yes. So I get to the second hospital and this one's different in that at the first ER, I was at the nicer hospital. You're in your own room, door shut, you've got full privacy. This other hospital, everyone's in the same area and you just have that curtain. Yeah. And you can hear everyone talking. Yeah. And so this doctor probably was overwhelmed because they were getting all of the patients

that were overflowing from the other one. But he was just pissed from the beginning and he wanted like nothing to do with my situation. So I tell him what's going on and he's like, okay, we'll cut into it. Didn't give me any type of numbing of anything. Starts cutting into me and I'm like, fuck. I'm screaming.

And he stops mid-cut and is like, do you have kids? Do you talk to your kids that way? You won't scream like that in my hospital. Oh my God. He's getting paternal on you? So I just start crying. Oh my God.

It is cutting. Yeah, you're already wrung out from this experience. And I'm so embarrassed. I'm like, my vagina's ruined. I've got these massive cuts across it. Like, what am I going to do? He packs it with gauze again. I've now got two spots.

Holy smokes. Jesus. And are you on like a horse dose of antibiotics as well? Yes. Okay, great. Because they were fearful that the infection was like going to get into the bloodstream and everything. Well, if you had a fever, it was starting. So at that point, that was the last with ER visits.

But I did have to go back and get the gauze removed and repacked. And so I go back to work. I'm limping around with my sprained ankle. And the gauze is all packed in. So it's not only packed in, but then I keep a piece of gauze on the face of it just so that there's no irritation. So I go to use the bathroom at work. and i guess at some point during the day that piece must have slipped down because i go to pull down my underwear and the gauze caught on the

underwear the gauze that was inside and so it just like ripped and i was pretty close with my boss, Heather, at the time. She was our HR manager. And I'm like, Heather, I've been telling a lie. It's not my ankle. It's my crotch. I need help. Can you bring me to the urgent care walk-in?

Oh my God. So she does and held my hand and we got through it. And thankfully, that was the last of it. They did repack it. I think they put like one stitch on it to kind of help it start to heal up. But that was it. I was like, I will never get waxed again. Anybody who mentions waxing, I'm like, but wait, you need to hear the story first. Oh my God. Now, was it an ingrown hair to begin with? So the first time they lanced it, I did ask and she said that they did have like a curly hair that was there. The second one, that guy was barely talking to me other than like screaming at me. So I have no idea if he recovered anything. The lover could have passed on like a

staph infection with the open pores. There's just no telling. No. That was great. Oh boy. How many years ago was that? This was about six years ago. Six years ago. And everything has healed up pretty well down there? Yeah. I still have the two scars. I've not gotten wax since, so I haven't had any problems. The scars have pretty much faded at this point. So it's a non-issue now, but it's a constant reminder of what I will never do again. Wow. Wow. That was harrowing. That was harrowing. You're right. It's like you reminder of what I will never do again. Wow. Right. Wow. That was harrowing. That was harrowing. You're right.

It's like you were in an airplane accident or something. Oh, man. And it just kept getting worse. I know. I had to breathe through it at certain points. But just what a terrible place for a big gnarly infection. I know. The pressure and the rubbing and the walking.

And like peeing. You constantly have to use it for peeing. Thank God you weren't starting your period or something. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It would have been so much worse. God. That's what I was going to say.

Thank God you weren't on your period. You seem like you were. I know that, too. Exactly what you were going to say. I was on the verge of saying it. He's like, that's a non-issue. Yeah, I don't really know. Period.

With what she was dealing with, it would even register. No, it would make it much worse. I know you're pulling the things in and out. Yeah. Anywho, wow. Michelle, what a brave story to tell. I really, really enjoyed that. You just closed us out very hard.

Yeah, you did. Thank you for that. Good, of course. Thank you guys. So nice meeting you. I hope you guys have a wonderful trip to Denver. Thank you. I appreciate it. And tell your bride we say hello.

All right, I will. And if I can give a shout out to my sister, Kate. She turned me on to you guys probably four years ago. I've been hooked. That's so nice. Tell Kate we thank her for proselytizing. She also got me a cameo from Best Friend Erin Weekly for my birthday last year.

I'm also a Virgo. My birthday's next week. Oh, my God. Happy early birthday. Thank you. So I'm coming up on the one year from the cameo that he did, and it was the most adorable thing. He was just rambling. It was right after you guys got back from your boys' trip, and it was the cutest video ever.

He puts a lot of effort into those. I've seen him make a couple hundred of them. I've been with him. And yeah, he really puts the effort in. So everyone order a cameo from Best Friend Aaron Winkler. Yeah. Satisfied customer right here. Exactly.

Yes. All right. Well, great meeting you and good luck with everything. Thank you guys. See ya. Bye-bye. Oh, I loved that. I loved that.

I also hate that. The fact that she was having sex within three hours was so good. That episode, really no one can listen. No, I know. I had to take a big, deep breath. Yeah, we're going to be very explicit that this is not to be listened to. Okay. There's an argument to be made to not even put it out there.

I know. I feel a little unethical about putting this out. No, that's on them. Big, big disclaimer. Trigger warnings, disclaimer. Don't be eating. Eating, driving. This might be the first one where you have to hit accept as a consent for it to play.

Oh, my God. So we're legally clear. Wow. All right. Well, I do fear for your dreams tonight. I'm scared because I was planning on getting a wax this week. Oh, my God. And now I really like it.

I wish you had gotten it a couple days ago so you could be one of the stories. No. Well, no, not because it was a debacle. Just, I don't know. Yeah, I guess you wouldn't tell a happy story. None of them are happy. It always sucks. It always sucks.

It never feels good. I'm going to get one. Do it. Get one. I'm going to get one. All that talk. This is like after we did the bad ride share and then I got in that really scary taxi in Hawaii like two days later. This is like that.

Yes. Yes. Home share. I had three home share trips coming up right after that. I don't know if I should get waxed because this feels like a bad omen. Although I don't want this to dissuade people from getting waxed. Go out and support your anesthetist. Tip well.

Tell them that you listen to this when you first get in there so they're scared. Okay, that's a good idea. Also, if you want to grow up big old bush, do that too. Yeah, do whatever you want. All right. Love you. Love you.

Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. On the Flyer Rhyme Dish. Enjoy.