Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Wedding II

Episode Date: October 17, 2025

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us about a wedding disaster.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dachshepern. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hello. Today is Wedding Disasters that was incubated in another episode where someone was arrested at their wedding.

That's right. We thought this is probably ripe for some good stories. And it was. And it was ripe as fuck. Ripe A. F. There's theft. There's allergies. There's too much semen.

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Hello, is this Kelsey? It is. How are you? Good. Are your t-shirts always that perfectly folded, or did you straighten up before this? I didn't straighten up before this. They're not always that perfect, but I keep it tidy. Where are you? I'm in upstate New York, in Rochester.

Okay. So you had a challenging wedding? Yes, I did. You did. So we got married in Charleston, South Carolina, last October. Okay. Isle of Palms? That's what my dad said.

We got married right downtown in Hampton Park. It's so nice. I was so excited. I had been planning this day my entire life. I knew the vision that I wanted. I knew the color scheme. I was just so over-the-moon excited to plan this wedding. Was it a destination wedding or were you living in Charleston?

Everyone was coming from out of town. Okay, okay. So we have the rehearsal dinner the night before. It's at this big bar patio, and that was going to roll right into a welcome party where everyone was invited. My fiancé Trenton and I were like really looking forward to that. It was going to be kind of this more casual wedding before the wedding. We went like all out.

We got a band and we'd open bar and we got food for everyone. So at the rehearsal, we ate around seven and then the welcome party started at eight. So everybody starts coming in. And right at eight, I'm standing with my best friend Yavra. And I'm like, Yavra, I feel a little funny. She was like, okay, well, it's like a little hot in here. It's like overwhelming. There's so many people.

Let's go out into the parking lot and get some fresh air. So I'm like, okay, we get out to the parking lot and I'm like, Yavra, do I look weird to you? And she's like, no, you look great. But immediately I had a pit in my stomach. I knew exactly what was happening. I sprint into the restaurant, into the bathroom and look in the mirror. And I have this, like, dime-sized swelling in the corner of my right eye.

And I'm just looking at it grow and grow and grow until my whole face within, like, seconds, is swollen shut. Oh! Shellfish? Peanuts. I have, like, a severe peanut allergy. This restaurant swears up and down that they don't have any peanuts in house, they don't carry any peanut products, but this is the only thing I'm allergic to.

And it always happens, like, an hour after I ingest it. What had you eaten an hour before? It was like German beer garden foods. It was like kilbasa. I think the thing that did be in was there was a salad. It was like a peach and goat cheese salad or something, but it had like crunchy chickpeas on top that were fried. My gut tells me that's what it was.

Maybe even fried in peanut oil. Yeah. So I'm in full anaphylactic shock now. Oh my God. My throat is closing. I can't breathe out of my nose. I can't swallow. and my face, the only way I can describe it, is I look like Will Smith and that movie Hitch.

Yeah. He has an allergic reaction. That's exactly what I looked like. Oh, no. Insane. So I run outside to my mom and my fiance and my brother and sister come over. I'm like hiding between two cars. I'm mortified.

In that moment, I cried harder than I've ever cried in my entire life. I was having a full-blown panic attack and an afflactic shock at the same time. Now, I don't want to victim shame you, but I got. got to ask a question. I hate when people always ask me this because I was allergic to bee stings, but did you have an epipen? I did it. Oh, no. I know. I know. I can relate, but I can relate. No, if your body can do that at any moment, you 100% have to have one of the times. The only thing I will say is I always do. It was just my rehearsal dinner. I had nothing really with me. Not my normal purse. So Trenton and I have to like rush off to the hospital. They give me epinephrine. And then when

they do that, they want to, like, observe you for eight hours to make sure you don't have any adverse reactions. So that would bring me to 5 a.m. the morning of my wedding, laying in the hospital. Oh, Jesus. I kind of, like, accept defeat for a while. We're laying there. I'm in, like, my big white dress from the rehearsal dinner. Everyone's at the party, having a great time. And finally, at, like, 1245, I'm like, what am I doing here? I ring the nurse's bell. And I'm like, am I being detained? I'm going to go now. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I'm going to walk out the front door.

So we get home at like 1.30, so it's not too, too bad, but it's not like ideal. I missed the whole party. And so the morning of my wedding, I wake up, first thing I do is open the camera on my phone. I look at myself. And the swelling has just gotten so much worse as I slept. Because you're like laying down, I looked like an absolute monster out of a movie. It was so depressing. So I'm genuinely at this point considering calling off the wedding.

I can't do this. I look insane. The photography, the videography, walking down the aisle. And leading up to the wedding, I had been working out more than ever before I'd been eating so healthy, getting facials. I wanted to look the most beautiful I've ever looked. This is the ugliest I could ever. Oh, my.

This is like some sort of parable. It is. Tell me when I'm allowed to look at this photo that Rob supplied. Yeah, you can look at it. That's from the hospital. before. Oh, sure. We're looking at you and then that you just don't look like you at all. No resemblance. It doesn't look like me at all. Oh, it got worse. We were actually on a good photo. Now we're in. Also, weirdly, it kind of made you 60. It aged you somehow. You do look a little older

with all this fluid in her face. Oh, Kelsey. I'm so sorry. Oh, no. On your big day. But you seem to have a good attitude in these photos. It's kind of like when you're in a little bit of shock, you're just like, I guess this is kind of funny, but now looking back, it's like not funny at all. Maybe you weren't smiling. Maybe that's just the... Puffiness. Yeah, I'm stuck like that.

What can one take to reduce swelling in the face? Maybe. I took everything under the sun. One of my friends is a PA and she gave me like Pepsid. She said that helps with inflammation. Pepsid AC? Yeah, I think so. Okay. That rings a bell.

Yeah. It's effervescent. I remember it. The day of my wedding, I'm like, I guess I just have to like start getting ready and like move on with the day. So I'm like trying to have a good attitude about it. I do end up having a good morning with my bridesmaids. I'm kind of forgetting about it, even though I had so much ado the morning of my wedding and I was just stuck there with like two frozen spoons on my face, trying to make the swelling go down. At one point, I'm like, I'm going to go look over my vows on my phone and sit by the water for a second. So I go outside, I open my phone, and I have an email from the catering manager from the night before. So I'm like, oh, she's checking on my well-being, of course.

At this point, she doesn't even know if I'm freaking dead or alive. So I read the email, and it's like, Kelsey, in all of the craziness that happened last night, I actually forgot to charge you for some of the food and you owe a full payment by end of day today. Um. I was like, what planet are you living on? I was just rushed to the hospital from your restaurant. You almost killed me. It's my wedding day today, and you send this demanding, urgent email.

It was so crazy. I was so filled with rage. They, like, ruined my looks and now completely ruining my mood. Did you respond? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. What kind of? Sharply toned.

Unhinged, all. caps. I was like, how dare you? Never contact me again. I was in a crazy back and forth fight with them my whole honeymoon. I mean, you could have sued them. Yeah, for reimbursement of the whole wedding. At least the photography. I can't even look at those photos. Oh, I look awful. No, you still look really cute. Yeah, you actually look cute. Oh, my God. I know. You got me. I don't know. You guys. So when you were at the vows part and you were crying, were you crying about the state of affairs or joyful crying? Probably a little of both. I walked down the aisle kind of pissed.

I was like, this is not how I wanted this to go. And I was kind of in a little bit of a bad mode at the end of the altar. But then my brother did this reading and couldn't read. It was like he had never read before in his life. I got like the church giggles from it. And it kind of was this weird release. And then everything kind of got better after that. Oh, good. Little brother?

Big brother. Oh, big brother. Okay. Because I was going to say those little brothers, they're good for that. That could go either way, though. You could be like, and now you can't even read. You forgot out of read? Now this reading's gone downhill.

Now, at any point where you like, oh, no, these are signs from the universe. No. I've actually never even thought that. Oh, man, there's so much pressure on that day. So much expectation. It's so hard. And so much money spent. That weirdly gets to me a lot when I think about it.

Yes. This is why I'm a big proponent of the courthouse, everybody. You go down there, you walk in, you walk in, then take a nice old trip. There's something very special about everyone in both of your worlds being in one spot. I love weddings. I still think you can do for about 150 bucks. Order some dominoes. Get everyone in the backyard. Yeah, we spent more than that. But it was so fun. It did end up being such a beautiful day. The weather was great. The DJ was incredible. Luckily, there wasn't really many times I looked in the mirror, so I kept forgetting about it. That's the move. At the end of the day, the most important thing, it's like, I married Trenton. I love him. I'm so lucky to be married to him. He's the best husband in the world. I guess Oswell, that ends well, but it was pretty traumatic. And you, for life, a phenomenal story. That's right. No one would want to hear about your wedding at a dinner party otherwise. I would be fine with that. We wouldn't have to talk about it. You're like, I have plenty of other stories. I didn't need this one. Yeah, totally. A lot of people are like, you'll laugh about. this someday. I'm like, no, I won't. That is so rude. Thank God. I was trying to glass half

full it, but I guess we're going to stick with it being a half a day. You can feel all your feelings. Yeah, you're entitled. Thank you. Oh, Kelsey, that was a really funny despite you saying it's not funny. It was very funny on our end. We're glad we got to hear it. Yeah. I'm glad it brought me to you guys. So it's okay. We'll have a great rest of your day. Yeah, that was lovely. Thank you so much for letting me tell us. This was so great. All right. Take care. Bye. Okay, you too. Bye. Oh, poor Kelsey. That's rough.

Tough. These are going to be tougher than we anticipated. Yeah. Maybe some happy stories. I think we asked for bad stories. Hi, Clara. How are you doing? Wonderful. I'm trying to take in all your many shoes behind you. It's a very athletic household.

It's my husband's closet. Is he a runner? Not really. He just has a ton of sneakers. He just likes comfortable footwear. Where are you at, Clara? I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina. Oh, okay. We're staying in the region.

We just had a wedding story from Charleston. Oh, nice. So you're in Charlotte, and are you from there? I'm originally from Columbia, South America, and moved to North Carolina when I was like seven years old. Oh, wow. Wonderful. I love North Carolina. Do you ever get over to the Blue Ridge Parkway and the Blue Ridge Mountains?

I have. I'm going to Asheville this weekend, actually. Oh, you are? Oh, fun. Just because I'm actually going with a friend. and to help her do some wedding planning. Ding, ding, dingles. So tell us, you have a challenging wedding story?

Yeah. So me and my husband got engaged in September of 2023. I really wanted a long engagement, so I wouldn't stress and worry about wedding planning last minute. So we ended up finding a venue. It was called Champaign Manor in December of that year. It checked all the boxes. It seemed perfect.

It was beautiful. and the owner was offering this 2025 wedding package deal. That was one set price and you got everything with it. All the vendors, two nights day. I love it. Turnkey. Exactly. The only thing I didn't really like was that there was a tent for the reception area and I wanted something indoors.

He actually said that there was a structure coming that was like this glass ballroom, showed us pictures and it was going to be ready by like early 2024. He also said there was construction starting on these cottages so more people could stay on the property. So we booked it for May 17th, 2025. We paid the deposit, which was $10,000 and didn't have to start paying all the payments until later on. But he convinced us to put more money down because then he'd take off more of the total. And then he offered some upgrades and we ended up putting down $30,000.

My heart rate's already up. And then we still had more to pay, but weren't going to pay until the end of the year. He just kept having all these little promotions where he was offering all this crazy stuff and just wanted a bunch of money up front. It started getting a little weird. Like he was offering fireworks. He even said you could get a bouncy house. Oh, that's classy. He just started getting really bad at communicating with me. He was taking forever to respond. I was like, okay, so what's up with the construction? Where's the ballroom? What's going on? Connecting with the vendors. And he did connect me and everything eventually, but he just took forever to do it. And I started planning the

whole wedding. But I was still just getting worried about the whole thing. he was being so sketchy. So I was like, let's have a meeting about it in person. My mom wants to see the venue. So we went, me and my husband with my mom. And this was end of the year, 2024. It was in December. Still, the ballroom wasn't ready.

But he was like, I promise it'll be ready for your wedding. And it's going to be great. And when I tell you, this guy's just a really good salesman, he's just very charming and convincing. My curiosity for someone like this is, do they believe it? Or are they just a straight fucking liar? And how can you do that? I know. I just don't have it in.

And me. It felt like one of those, he's such a liar that he makes himself believe it. Yes. I guess to get through it, you kind of have to. We actually left pretty reassured feeling better about it that day. And then two weeks later, we get this very long, dramatic email that he wrote. He was like, I have tears in my eyes writing this email, told us all about his financial problems, his family problems, his mental health. And basically that the venue was foreclosed on in October.

Oh, my God. Not to own it anymore. He was renting it back, trying to get it back, and then he just couldn't do it. So all weddings are canceled. He was working on a repayment plan for everyone. This is, what, three months before your wedding? It was January 2nd. The wedding was May 17th.

Oh, good. It was your birthday. Bad luck birthday. Oh, man. So I just have to replant a whole wedding, I guess. First thing, we just started calling a bunch of venues. We toured five or six venues within like 48 hours. I called the vendors and actually told them because they weren't even informed and just

started planning a whole new wedding. The second part of it was, where's my money? I blew up his email, wasn't answering, tried calling. both the numbers we had for him, went straight to voicemail. So this guy fully ghosted us. I ended up finding another bride that was going through the same thing. So we connected. She knew a couple more.

We started a group chat. We started telling each other everything that happened, how much money we paid all the lies. He told us. We just started finding out more and more and more. And this group chat just kind of started growing too. We started adding more people to it. I ended up doing a news interview with my husband on the local Charlotte News. Oh, you did.

I was going to say, this could be a dog. I can see this as a doc, Netflix, caller. So after that, people started reaching out to me on social media, and then we started adding them to the group chat. How many people are we looking at at this point? It was about 25 people in the group chat, and then there was a Facebook group with like at least double that. Oh my God.

And how much money do we think? This guy stole a million dollars, I'm sure. Yes, he did. It was over a million. At this point, I'm getting mad. I feel like the Latina and me fully came out, and I was like, if I don't get my money back, I'm at least going to make it my mission to destroy this man's reputation. Right.

So he can't do this again. So that's what I did. We actually figured out that he was selling stuff from the venue on Facebook Marketplace. So I decided to get one of my friends to message him and pretend to be interested in buying 75 chairs. I got her to unfriend me to make sure there were no ties back to me and just set up a time in place to meet him and pick up the chairs. So me and my husband showed up instead. The look on his face was absolutely priceless. Oh, wow. Is that what the picture is? No, it's something else. Oh, great. This point I knew he had no money and I wasn't expecting him to just give us money at that point. But I mainly wanted to confront him and yell at him and be like, what's wrong with you? So that's what we did. We yelled at him for like 25 minutes. What was his demeanor? He was just like, I'm so sorry and did a lot of blaming it on on his family issues and stuff that was going on at home. And he was like, I feel so bad. This is also horrible for me. And very victim.

like that classic narcissist yeah they're always a victim oh i would be fearful for myself in that situation did it almost get physical no we were definitely yelling at him but he was very calm and nice and apologetic i had a couple people tell me like this is a bad idea you shouldn't go and i'm like i have a gut feeling that this guy is just a coward and it's going to be fine i was right yeah my husband definitely was like very pissed and was yelling at him yeah you steal 30 gram for me we got beef yeah so he told us to do credit card disputes and that that would be our best bet. At the end of the meeting with him, I did tell him in case you didn't notice no one's buying your chairs. So have fun putting those up. So that was satisfying. After that, somebody reported everything to the police. The sheriff wanted more police reports. Everyone started calling in. We recorded the whole meeting with him. So we gave him all the recordings, told him everything he did. So the police now had enough to arrest him. They used my strategy. So they intended to be interested in buying something from him and then drove over. over there, a bunch of cop cars and arrested him. Wow.

We realized he had actually moved to Pennsylvania and was only in North Carolina to sell stuff, but he had moved and started an Airbnb business. So it seemed like he was on to his next scam. But he had a bond hearing. They set his bond for a million dollars. Ten of us showed up to the hearing. The DA made a statement, got us all to stand up. We found out that the thing was even bigger than we thought.

There was a couple that actually invested $100,000 into a catering business that never existed. I'm a real-life con artist. It got so bad that the FBI got involved. We got a call from an FBI and gave her all our information. So there's still an ongoing investigation about that. His next hearing is end of October because he is still in jail since then. Wow. And did he have any assets that could be seized to help pay back now?

I worked at a law firm, so I talked to some lawyers and I was able to pull up his report. He had no assets. he had lost everything. He had a business that went under before and a lot of sketchy stuff came up. And what he's doing with all the money, just trying to make this business work or was he buying ski boats? I have no idea. That's what we were wondering too, because that's a lot of money that he took and he kept saying that he was putting it all into the venue. We were able to get our money back through credit card disputes. Not everybody was so lucky. And some people did credit card disputes and their banks denied them. Somewhat credit cards offered like fraud protection. Is that how you were

able to get reimbursed? Yeah. And it just depends on the bank because there was one girl that said that she got part of her money back, but one of the cards that they used, the bank was like, no, we're denying it. Well, that's a blessing that you got the money back. Yeah, it kind of worked out. It worked out. The venue we found was called Pearl Mansion. It was in Charlotte. We actually did have to move the wedding date. It was two weeks pushback. So that was fun, redesigning all the invites and Tell you, but you have this great story now that you're a crime investigator. Yeah, we did also do a second interview after the arrest and the guy was like, so how do you feel now after he got arrested?

And there's a really great clip of my husband going, it feels like justice. Oh, that's weird. We worked it out in the end, but the whole thing was just so crazy. That is wild. So am I allowed to look at the photo now? Yeah, it's his bugshot. Oh. Oh, great. Okay.

Oh, wow. 42 years old, white male. I mean, it's interesting. If you heard this story and it was about a guy who saved Christmas, would I look at his face and go like, yeah, that guy looks like he'd save Christmas. But because I know this about him, I'm like, yeah, this guy looks like a total fucking... He could go multiple ways. Yeah, yeah.

Definitely. He's not happy in this shot. He's got a frown. Yeah. It's not his best day. Very charming and convincing about everything. I mean, a lot of people felt for it. These narcissists, they say, are really empathetic.

That's like one of their superpowers. Like psychopaths? Yeah, maybe it's psychopaths. I think it's psychopatoseo and narcissus. Maybe socios. But now you're happily married. Yes, it all worked out. Didn't go exactly the way we planned, but the wedding was great.

Well, Claire, that's an incredible story. Thank you so much for telling us. Can I give a quick shout out to my friend Rosa? She was the one that got me started listening to your podcast in the first place. And she convinced me to submit my story. Of course. Shout out Rosa. So nice talking to you.

Yeah. Nice meeting you. Thank you. Have a good rest of your day. You too. All right. Bye-bye. I said good.

This guy... He looks like a bozo. Yeah, he does. I feel, though, his life could have gone in so many directions. With that face? Yeah. It has some promise. I mean, he's not unattractive.

Right. But he looks like a fucking dope. Yeah. He does. Maybe it's the orange. outfit. It's hard to know. If I put my thumbs over the orange, well, that does improve things a little bit. Yeah, like his hair's kind of nice. I mean, especially in a mugshot, I think you look the worst you've ever looked. True. He looks like a lot of guys from my town. Yeah, I think that's

maybe what I see too. It's like, I know that guy. He went to my high school. These guys are a dime a dozen. Hi. Hi. What is that a cardinal shirt? What is that? Blue Jays? Are you up in Canada? Yes, I am. Were you born and raised? Yes, and I'm not going to say a boot. I bet you might. You might get flowing and it'll come out. Maybe. Yeah.

You know, I was just a few hours south of you in Detroit. Marysville, Michigan was where my grandparents lived. So we spent a lot of time there and a lot of time at Cedar Point. Oh, of course. Oh, Dex doesn't like Cedar Point anymore. Not even true. He's moved on to Dollywood. That doesn't mean I don't love Cedar Point.

It means I've added loving Dollywood. You said you think Dollywood is the best. Best. Might be the best music park in the country. Yeah. Have you been to Dollywood? I have not. Worth the trip. It's in the Smoky Mountains. Very beautiful. So you have a crazy wedding story for us? Yes, I do. So it was in 1997. So quite a long time ago. Our wedding date was November the 15th. It's chilly. But fall leaves. It was going to be beautiful. We booked this beautiful park. Day before, massive snowstorm. Everything screeches to a halt. Now it's Friday. We have to rush around and try and get all the rentals because nobody's delivering anything. So that works out okay. We manage. I was working

as a chef at the time, so I was able to gather the things that we needed with the help of a lot of people. So the day of, things start to go sideways pretty early in the day. We get up in the morning, it's still snowing. So now we have nowhere to take our pictures. We reach out to different people. We end up booking a pool hall to get our pictures taken it. Do we play pool? No. But all of my wedding pictures are cool hall themed. So we get to the church, and I'm so ambitious. I'm so confident I have this long train. I'm going to make this dramatic entrance.

As we're walking in, my veil gets caught in the doorway of the church, and so yanks my head back. My dad thinks I'm balking now. I don't want to go through with it. So he's dragging me down the aisle, get to the front of the house. get to the front of the church we're missing quite a few people because of the snowstorm i look over at my now ex-husband and he is sobbing and i don't mean like sentimental sobbing i mean like oh fuck sobbing oh no what am i doing panic sobbing oh regret sobbing it's awkward oh i'm still smiling i'm like no it's going to be fine

The minister leans forward and says, should we continue? It's that noticeable. So my ex-husband says, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay. I guess we have to. I guess if we have to, sure. So we continue. He apologizes after. Everybody's talking about the crying.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry. Did you say, like, are you okay what's happening? Yeah. And what did he say? He couldn't talk. He was sobbing so hard. I'm like, I try to not to take it personally, but, you know, yeah, worst day of his life.

Then we get to the hall. Things are going a little better now. He seems a bit more relaxed and people are coming in. Now, my mom, who's now passed away, was a bit of an addict. She shows up to the wedding. Now she was separated from my stepfather. So it's my biological father, my stepfather. They're both amazing.

But she shows up with her boyfriend. Oh, nice. Oh, boy. Plot twist. Her boyfriend is the ex-husband of her cousin, who's also at the wedding. Oh, wonderful. It's turning into an episode of Jerry Springer quickly. It gets even more Jerry Springer-ish as we go.

We notice he also brings his three delinquent children with him, 19, 20-year-olds. I've never met them. They weren't invited. Here they are. We're sitting at the head table. We're trying to keep an eye on that shit show over there. Over here, there's a tablecloth catches on fire. Oh.

So, spontaneous combustion. There's a poltergeist at the wedding. There must be. We get that under control. The night's going on, my maid of honor, is just like, I don't know what to do. It was crazy. Then what happens is there was a group of baseball players. So my ex-husband was a baseball player.

And so some of his buddies came up and told us that they found these kids, the boyfriend's children, in the coat room going through coat pockets and purses. great great great these guys bounce them out of the hall they've gotten away with what we think is a few checkbooks some loose change we're not too upset about it we can deal with that later So because we kicked them out, my mom, who's now hammering. She's mad and her boyfriend's mad, and they are freaking out. She marches up. So the way the hall was, picture a school gymnasium with the stage at the end, which was where the DJ was. She marches up on stage, gets a hold of the mic, points at me, and says, you are a fucking bitch.

Oh, my God. my lord to her own daughter so now's the point where i'm like i'm in a dip i'm done i don't think this is a great idea for me to be here and in the medium now my stepdad is rushing the stage so jerry spry yeah yeah yeah yeah he's going to get her out of there i would say the baseball players to 86 her we got another customer boot her this isn't going the way i planned obviously between the crying and the ceiling and my maid of honor her and her husband been offered to drive us to the hotel. So the hotel for context is like the most popular hotel at the time. All the brides and grooms go there to have their lovely wedding night. We go out to get

into the car and there's a, I don't know if you guys have it there, but we have these things called a ride program. And so basically it's a drinking and driving checkpoint. Oh, okay. Okay. So they've set up, there's police officers and cars and they're pulling everybody over outside of the Ukrainian hall in Hamilton on a Saturday night. They're cleaning up. Yeah, yeah. Guess what? And everyone's had something to drink. So we get by it. We get to the Knaut. And we're in the elevator with these two other lovely couples, brides in their beautiful gowns and everybody's happy. And I'm sobbing. My ex-husband's like awkwardly just looking around like, oh God, this day, he's already living with regrets. That night wasn't any fun. The next day, we come to find a

out, we had like a wishing well at the wedding. So people put their envelopes with money in the wishing well. The rotten children had stolen the wishing. No. Oh my God. Well, they're really rotten children. I mean, they're stealing at a wedding. We tried to get a hold of them. Our honeymoon, we had planned to drive to Horseshoe Valley. Fire broke down on the way. It was one thing after the other. How long did this marriage last? Off and on, 20 years.

Oh, that's long. That's unexpected answer. Already had a couple children. Like, I had a child, me and a child, and then we had three children together. So no regrets there. Yeah, you got three beautiful kids out of it. What happened to the rotten children? Are they all incarcerated?

Yeah, actually. A couple of them ended up going to jail. She didn't end up marrying that boyfriend and this rotten children. Whoa. So they were your stepbrothers for a minute. Yeah. Isn't it so nice when you're not? your parents prioritize their new boyfriend's fucking children who they don't even know.

Isn't that so flattering? It was a great. That sucks. It makes for a great story. Thanks for chatting with that. You too. Amazing. I'm sorry you had that wedding, but I'm delighted to meet you for it.

All right. Take care. Thanks. Bye-bye. Hello. Hi. Is this Jake? Jake, where are you?

I am in North Carolina. Oh, my God. This is crazy. we had a South Carolina, a North Carolina. Canada will throw that one out as an outlier. And then another North Carolina. You all are getting married down there. Well, this did not happen in North Carolina. Oh, it didn't. Okay. We rescind that then. All right, yeah, tell us about it. Wait, are you wearing a Red Bull shirt? I am, yeah. Yeah, Max Verstabins God. That's right. I was an avid listener of F1 with DRS. Oh, I appreciate it. This is actually about my wedding and my wife's. So a little bit of

background. We both grew up and still are Mormon, or LDS, grew up going to nine hours of church a week or so. You did a mission? I did not. So I guess not the whole nine yards. Eight yards, yeah. But we met when we were in school, dated for a couple years, decided we wanted to get married. We were both really excited. And we scheduled our wedding for the end of the summer so that we could live together when the semester started and then we could do a little honeymoon. And we structured our wedding day so that it was the temple in the morning at like 9 a.m. so that we could get the most amount of pictures outside because it was hot and then we had a brunch with friends and family and then we had like a three or four hour block and then our reception later in the day. Before

the wedding we had rented an Airbnb for the day of so that we could kind of hang out during that three or four hour block and then after the fact we could sleep there and then honeymoon was next day. So the day of the wedding, I roll out of bed probably 8.15, 8.30, and I can get there on time. Wife's awake at 5 a.m. doing her hair and makeup with her friends, and she's having a good time. No problems. You Letter Day Saints are an industrious bunch. Like, waking up at 5 a.m. to get the hair makeup done. Oh, but that's wedding. Is that standard? Is that standard? I think that's wedding. Okay. That's too early. I mean, it was at 9 a.m. Yeah, it's at 9. It's only 4 hours. It's early.

And all the bridesmaids have to get their makeup and hair. It's a whole thing. Okay. Start of everything goes pretty well. Temple goes well. Pictures goes well. No issues there. Brunch is fine.

And after brunch, like I said, we have our three or four hour little block. So we decide we're going to go hang out at the Airbnb for a little bit. And you were virgins. Yes. Oh, my God. So I know exactly what I'm doing the second I leave Temple. We kind of talked about it the day before. We said, oh, should we bang right here in this couple hour block?

Yeah. And she was like, we've waited so long. Let's just wait till later. And I'm like, no problem. But we get to the Airbnb. We're hanging out. We both change into like some sweats. And as we're changing, we kind of like opened the suitcase. And we both kind of make eye contact. And then we see the condoms in the suitcase. She says, should we just do it? And I said yes, of course. Yes, we did have done it a long time ago. I said anything to get in her mail. Of course. Things start progressing. And she says, yeah, we can do it. Just. make sure my hair and makeup, make sure nothing gets messed up. And I said, yeah, of course, 100%. Definitely. Yeah, I'm so good at this. I definitely know how to do this without doing that.

Exactly what I'm doing. I'm not going to come in five seconds. But anyways, let's go. That's right. Things start happening. First base, second base, third base. I don't even hardly last a second or third base over there. Sure, sure.

And then it's time for the main event. And I'm like, okay, great, put a condom on, takes me a second. I've never done this before. Put some lube on. puts the move on her, and we're like, okay, you're ready, she's ready. We probably spend two to three minutes just trying to find the right angle that doesn't hurt. Yeah. Angle of approach is we say an off-roading.

Bless her heart. I'm sure it's still hurt. And looking back on it, it definitely did not feel how it feels today. Well, these are the first time experiences. This is what happens. Neither of us knew any difference. So we were having a great time. You ended up in her butt.

Is that what we're saying? No. Oh, I misinterpreted that. It hurts the first time. Oh, okay, okay. I just heard a lot of lube and I didn't know the angle. No, no, no. I got a little confused.

I'm so sorry. We're in the right hole. Okay, great, great. Things start moving. And 20 to 25 seconds later, I'm approaching the finish line. By the way, real quick, she's also glad it's that fast. The first time, it hurts. You just, like, wanted to be done.

A couple thoughts runs through my head. I think, okay, I shouldn't finish inside. She's not on birth control, so I don't know if the condom's going to break. So I think, okay, that's out. So I think, okay, I'll pull out and I'll finish on her stomach. Yeah, wonderful. It was romantic. Yeah.

The thought of pulling out and finishing in the condom didn't even cross my brain. Right, right. I pull out, I whip off the condom. And again, there's no communication with her at all. I blast off. When I say blast off, the amount that came out, I have never seen. before Orson. Yeah, this is 23 years in the making.

It was absurd. But the first blast hits the headboard. Probably a foot above her head. This is a real Spider-Man situation. I'm like, okay, let's point it down a little bit. Second blast hits her directly in the face. Oh, no. And eyes, nose, mouth, hair.

Third blast hits her in the neck, in the hair. Fourth blast somehow was stronger. hits her again in the face. And then all the subsequent blast hit her in like the stomach. Why are there so many blasts? It's 23 years. Yeah, you're right. And then in this 10-second span, a lot of things happen.

I get like super dizzy. Oh. And I lose hearing in my left ear. Oh, just the left. And my wife, like I said, hit her in the face, mouth, nose. Some of it got in her mouth, and she can't really breathe. So she immediately starts gagging and retching. And I'm still out of it.

She immediately starts throwing up on the bed. Oh, fuck. And she's like stumbling around because some is in her eyes. She's trying to make it to the bathroom. She throws up on the bed in the hallway, on the floor of the bathroom, and finally makes it to the toilet. Were you guys like, this is why they told us not to do it. They're like, yes, sex is horrible.

Yes, no wonder. We do it was going to be bad. We didn't think it was going to be that bad. But when I come to, I kind of go in the bathroom and I try to console her. She's like crying, laughing, throwing up. I'm confused because I was out of it. I try to help her clean up as best as we can. And then we both kind of freak out because some of it like dripped down and got her in the lady area.

The lady area. So we're freaking out and we're like, oh, no, are she going to get pregnant? So we dooredash like a plan B, and she takes that and spends the next three hours trying to fix her hair and make up. It was a tough scene. Now, okay, so later that night, you want to do it again, I bet. Yeah. Yeah. But she doesn't.

I don't think we did. I don't really remember. But what did happen after we got to the reception, she, like, cleaned everything up and she looked great. And one of her friends came up behind her and was like, hey, you. you have something in your hair. And I was like, oh, shit. And she had a big dried thing of themen in her hair. No.

Yeah, it's something about my hair. You have some gel in your hair, honey. Yeah, that's a classic. Really, the icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for like three days of our honeymoon. She was in a bad spot. But that's actually where we started listening to Armchair Anonymous. Oh, no kidding. Wow, it really worked out for us, I guess.

Yeah, there you go. How long ago was this? Three years. I imagine you guys have had lots of beautiful lovemaking now. Yeah. Took us a second. We got it. Throwing up.

It was a set piece. In a comedy, I could have made five minutes out of that whole sequence easily. Great. I love it. The victim's here. Can she come and say, I'd love to see this, poor Gail. This is so cool. There's the victim.

We had a marital smave who would tell this story better. I said, I would tell it better because I was the victim. But he said, no, I'll tell it better. You need a first person view. But then he ended up submitting the story, so he got to tell it. Oh, well, he did a great job. And he was specific about the amount of sprays. And that was all really important detail.

Lack of communication. Yeah. You must have been thinking, this is terrible, right? Why do people do this? At first, I was like, it's got to get better, though, right? We started at rock bottom. You can't go much lower. I was mostly just worried about the rest of the wedding day.

I was crying. I was like, it's my wedding day and all my hair and makeup is messed up. Like, this is the worst. We should have just waited until after all the wedding festivities. Don't you think, though, a lot of the people at the wedding, they've been in your position. They've done this exact same thing. We got some side eye as we were leaving the brunch. We were like, no, no, no, no, no.

And then we showed up and everybody kind of make it feel it. They know. They know. There's something like, as disgusting as the story is, it's so whole. Wholesome. It's sweet. It's like very mixed messages. It's like so endearing yet it's disgusting. It's nasty. Yeah, I don't know that I've ever seen even in pornography, that volume and in duration. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. You're adorable couple. We're big fans. Oh, thank you. All right. Have a good. You too. Oh, that was a blast. Wow, that was good. That was a really good. Pun intended. I intended that pun. I intended that pun. I didn't really.

Oh my God, that is, who humanity. Yeah. It's tough. That story shouldn't have made me horny, but it kind of did. It did. Yeah, a little bit. I think the excitement of, he saw him naked for the first time. She saw him naked for the first time.

They didn't putting that off. That must have been so exciting. That's funny because that didn't even cross. It made you want to never be in that situation. No. Well, it made me not want to have uncontrollable seam and just, you know, you've, you know, yeah, like buckets and you don't know where. going or coming. That's fine. I wouldn't enjoy that either.

Yeah. I probably put myself in his shoes more than hers. But it does like, oh, the, like, anxiety before the first time. It's really cute. They were so cute. They were such a cute couple. All right. Love you. Do you want to sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh. Okay, great. We don't have a thing song for this new show. So here I go. go go. We're going to ask some random questions and with the help of armcherry's

we'll get some suggestions on the flyer rhymed dish, on the flyer rhymed dish, enjoy. Follow armchair expert on the Wondry app, Amazon music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcast. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.