Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card IV

Episode Date: April 26, 2024

Dax and Monica talk to Armcherries! In today's episode, Armcherries tell us a crazy story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. We love Armchair Anonymous. We especially love today. Wild card. Wild card. You don't know what you're going to get. And that's fun. It's chef's surprise.

Is that what they called it? They call it. Chef's choice. Chef's choice. Remember that elementary school? Did you ever have that? They have it at sushi restaurants. Oh, they do.

That's scary. Omasake. At sushi? I don't know scary. Oh, masake. Oh, masake. At sushi, I don't know. Yeah. Raw fish. It was always a disaster at school. I guess you had the lunch menu the week leading up to it. And one of the days would say chef's surprise.

Oh. And it was always that gross two pound hot dog, the Snoopy hot dog. Snoopy? Yeah, they called it the Snoopy special on a normal day, but then when no one liked it, so then they would name it chef's surprise. It was clearly whatever they needed to unload. The notion that the chef had curated something special for us. It never was that. It was always whatever thing we all agree is the worst

is what's on Thursday. Remind me at your school, was it cool or not cool to bring your own lunch? I won't be objective about this. I only had packed lunch. I was like, I'm gonna go get some food. I was like, I'm gonna go get some food. I was like, I'm gonna go get some food. It's the worst is what's on Thursday. Remind me at your school, was it cool or not cool to bring your own lunch? I won't be objective about this.

I only had packed lunch. So all I wanted was hot lunch. So to me, hot lunch was so cool. Your parents had dough. They would fucking want you to buy lunch today. Why don't you go out to lunch today when you're at school? That was the opposite for me. It was?

Yeah, and us. What did it represent? Your parents didn't care about you? I think because, no, it's just not good food. Welfare? So. Oh, it was really good food where I went to school. No, it wasn't.

Rectangle pizza. Yeah, I think it represented, and then you had to carry your tray around, like, ugh, it's so embarrassing to have to carry your tray. Oh, I loved carrying the tray. I was like, look at me, I'm loaded. I'm going out to lunch today.

I was always trying to wheel and deal, try to trade one of my bologna sandwiches for some of that pizza. No one ever wanted anything. I brought either two bologna sandwiches or two cheese sandwiches, and that was it. And I got a quarter to get a milk. My mom was like, don't buy yourself something to eat,

but go ahead and buy yourself a drink. And did you have the brown paper bag or did you have a lunch box? A fucking brown paper sack. My mom would often put a banana in there. There'd be some fruit. Something extra. And often the banana would get bruised throughout the day

and then it would soften and leak the bag and you'd pick your bag up out of your desk and the whole fucking thing would break open. Like a meat cube but not a meat meat cube, but not a meat cube. No, not a meat cube. Because I was too big and dumb. Oh man. Yeah, I did not.

And it's funny, because my kids can have hot lunch if they want it and they don't want it. See? And I'm so confused. I think that's more, that was more my gen too. Or my school, maybe just my school. I'd love to see some broad dad on it. It has to be socioeconomic. It is.

I bet all the places that you can't afford it, you want it. Exactly. Yeah. I think it evolves too, like when you're little, little, you like hot lunch, but then when you get into like high school and you know about food. Oh no, I liked it even more in high school. Cause then you could go up and there were options.

You could always get fries. What about high school? Remember the pizza? No, high school because then you could go up and there were options. You could always get fries. What about high school? Remember the pizza? No, high school never. You packed a lunch every day. Yeah. Oh my God. Remember the pizza, the pepperoni on the pizza

was just these tiny cubes. Do you remember that? Well, I do remember that was at the roller skating rink. We had slices, which is interesting because yours was rectangular. Yeah. And I think Sabatazo Pizza made all the pizzas for the whole country.

I really do. I'll do maybe a side episode about Sabatazo Pizza. The pepperoni was tiny cubes. I know what you're talking about. Those are good. Is that what yours were? It depends on the pizza. There was Schwann's pizza that had that.

It's just a different way to prepare it. Well I'm talking at school. At school, yeah. We had circular. Yeah, us too. Yeah, and you had rectangle on with cubes. I like that, because they could get crispy like a bacon lardon or whatever they're. I like both now though.

Oh yeah. Like if you put square cube with circular pepperoni. Yeah, but that's because that's like high quality ingredients. Anywho. Anywho, there's no pizza stories in this one. There is not, there is not, but there's some other fun really.

They're wild and they're card. Even more card than they are wild. One of them is hard to listen to. Like one of them you probably shouldn't listen to. All right, please enjoy Wild Card. All times come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I had them both.

But one thing you gotta know, I'ma keep on shining. Hello, can y'all hear me? Wonderfully, can you hear us? I can. Susan or Suzanne? I am Suzanne. I am from Wilburne, Georgia, right near Monica. You sound familiar. Oh, okay.

I don't know if I like that because I'm originally from New Jersey, but I've been in the South for 20 some odd years, but I still like to think that I don't have that Southern soul. You've picked it up a little bit. Yeah, I did a little bit. It's bound to happen, I guess.

It's charming. What I have come to be compassionate for all of us on is my little kids were in the back seat and we were in Nashville for just four days. And my littlest one goes, Mom, I have to really fight the urge to start talking like them soon as I hear it. I just want to do it.

I almost think there's something evolutionarily so you don't stick out that you can pick it up really quick and then you're inclined to mimic it. Yeah, I mean I moved to Tennessee when I was going into middle school, worst time possible. Yeah. And so it's like you have to adopt it or you will get mocked endlessly. They didn't like the way I spoke very much. Another sidebar, looks like you're into sneakers, which I admire. I am. I'm sadly only had my one pair of Jordans. I wear them sparingly. They just diminish in value as you accumulate more. They really do.

I mean, the kids are trying not to crease them. I've given up on that. There's gonna be creases. Okay, so and you're still in Georgia. I am. And what's so fun for Monica and I is that wild card, we just don't know. Only Emma knows.

We don't know if you've shot and killed a werewolf, rappelled out of a skyscraper, we don't know. I'm not that adventurous. Okay. But there are definitely some twists and turns. Ooh, yay. So just a little background, my wife and I got married back in 2014

at actually the Griffith Observatory. We had like a little pop-up ceremony. How sweet. It was closed. There was nobody there to stop us. That's Dax's hike. Oh, should I say that? Oh yeah, that's fine.

I run into armchairs hourly. That's Dax's hiking spot. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. We just hired a minister to come out. That was it. Just the two of us at the Grif's Observatory. Incredible.

Best pictures ever. So after we got married, we started trying to conceive right away. We knew that we were both wanting children. I was already 33, 34. So things were getting to that age. You're approaching geriatric. What are they called? Exactly.

Yeah. Exactly. God, it's disgusting. My wife is younger, but we kind of thought I would be the carrier. So we tried that for a good two, two and a half years without any luck. And so we started turning our sights towards adoption. And my wife was on a like a Facebook group for women. He just kind of like shared their problems.

It was like a community. She posted on there how she was so upset. This just wasn't happening. Explaining what our goals were. And then a lady responded and said, Hey, can I message you privately? So this woman named Chloe responds, says, Hey, I'm three, four months pregnant. I'm the single mom of a six year old with some health needs. I can't do it.

Oh, wow. I can't have this baby. Do you want to talk about options? We were excited, but also like we've watched catfish. Yeah. Oh, this is questionable. She lived in California. We were in Georgia.

So we're like, we can't just say no, obviously. Like you're not going to give up that chance. We ended up just texting with her for a while and she told us about her job and her daughter and just her life. And so we kind of started to feel comfortable with her and we thought, well, let's go ahead and FaceTime. So we had a FaceTime with her. We met her daughter. She was there. So we had a FaceTime with her. We met her daughter.

She was there. So we got to talk to her. Just got so much information. And then of course we hang up and we're like, we're going to go full spy on her. Deep background. Yeah. Like she told us the place of her employment. She even sent a picture of her license plate because it was a vanity plate that we both

had interests in. So we're like, okay, she's given a lot, but we were scared. Yeah. And of course, anybody we told, they were like, whoa, whoa, I don't know that that's a good idea. What's sad is that you're right to have your guard up and that I do think con artists prey on people that are in vulnerable situations.

So they know people who are really kind of desperate for a solution. And I think it's kind of wise to be aware of that. Absolutely. But we did it all. We checked it out. We found she worked where she said she worked. She lived where she said she lived. Her daughter was who she was. So we're like, okay, let's start talking.

From there, it just kind of took off. She was three, four months pregnant at the time. And so for four months, we texted, called FaceTime every day. It was almost like harmful for the relationship because we were spending so much time texting with this other person because we wanted to just have this connection with her. And she was like sharing the pregnancy. She's having a really hard time. She's in the hospital off and on with a vitamin A deficiency, which is apparently harmful

for the fetus. Oh boy. So we were concerned about that. And then there is also obviously takes two to make a baby. So we had bio father questions. Right. Yeah. He was concerned because he wanted an open adoption,

but that's not really possible when you're across the country from each other. And she's like, but we're going to therapy. I really, really feel like he's going to come around. So we were feeling good, kept going. She got to about months, seven and a half or eight. And at that point, we're like, okay, we have to fly to California when the baby is born, but we don't know when the baby is born. And then law state, if you're going to bring a baby across state lines as an adoption,

you have to stay in that state for two or three weeks. They have to do the paperwork. It's this whole thing. So we were just trying to figure out, where do we stay? When do we come? How do we do this? And then we kind of started planning this all out with her. And my wife is just like, I just don't feel good. Something's going to ruin this. It's not going to happen.

And I don't know why. Maybe it's my fear of getting excited or being happy. And I'm like resistant to that. So she kind of pulled back. And I have that fault where I just trust to no end. I'm like, believe the best in the person, never mind. That's a nice quality, but it can bite you.

Really gets you every once in a while. So a few weeks after my wife pulled away, I was still chatting, but then probably around eight months, she posted something on her Facebook about, hey, I got a tattoo today. I don't think that you're supposed to do that when you're pregnant.

And then she posted something about a music festival that she was excited about that was coming out. And we looked at it, it turns out it was on the date of the due date. What? God, she almost played it. I mean, what a dumb mistake as a con artist. You're seeing her every day,

so you're seeing she's pregnant. We're seeing, she's like sending baby bump pictures. She sent ultrasound pictures. Okay. Okay. She was every step talking to us, telling us the therapist's name. We were getting a lot of information that I think you're always still cautious in the back of your head, but we're like, it's all checking out. So we were like, okay, something's not right. But if we confront her and she is pregnant and we just called her a liar, is she going to be like, fine, something's not right. But if we confront her and she is pregnant, and we just called her a liar,

is she going to be like, fine, I'm out if you don't trust me? We were hesitant because she never asked for money. She never asked for help we offered because she was single mom. We were like, we can help maternity clothes. We can do this, that, and the other. She's like, no, I just want a happy home for my child. But at that point, my wife went back to the Facebook group where she had met her and just posted, hey does anybody know her in real life?

Have you ever met her? And a lady came forward and said, oh yeah I just had lunch with her a couple of weeks ago. We had sushi. Yeah and we were like, well she's eight months pregnant so is she? And she was like, oh god no. No. Not even a little pregnant. No no. What? No. I know. And so we were just like, what was going on here? We started telling this woman about the pregnancy, the father, everything that's been happening over five months.

And it turns out the description of the father that we had received was a description of this woman's husband. Here we go. Wow. Oh. Wow, wow, wow. The three of them were in a relationship, like six months prior, and they were as a

throuple trying to conceive. Oh my God. What? Does she really have a daughter? She does have a daughter. Okay. Because we were like a part of her real Facebook page. We were seeing her grandparents post.

She did not at all hold back any of her personal life. So is the husband the father of the kid also? No, but the husband and wife were in a relationship with her. They decided they were going to live as a family and that they were going to try and conceive and whichever one got pregnant. That's great. This guy must have some rhythm. Seriously? That woman was like, well, did she conceive with my husband?

And then regretted it. And then maybe had miscarriage. Like what is going on here? So we finally confronted her via text and we're like, hey, listen, we just talked to so and so and she told us. And we said, my wife's been concerned for a couple months now. She's like, well, if you were concerned, why didn't you just tell me? And that was it.

It was on you. Oh my God. What? She didn't deny it either me? And that was it. It was on you. No, oh my. Oh my God. What? She didn't deny it either. She didn't deny it. That's so curious. What was she showing you? Was she bored?

As soon as you said vitamin A deficiency, I'm like, okay, she's laying track for needing medical assistance and tough pregnancy. Like she's definitely setting up that she's gonna need money, but then she didn't. And then she didn't deny it. So it's not like she was living in some fantasy she bought into. This is so peculiar. Was she bored? Well then she didn't deny it so it's not like she was living some fantasy she bought into this is so peculiar maybe she did buy it

maybe she has like some version of munchausen multiple personality or something and I will add she is in the medical field so that tracks with a munchausen oh and her kid is special needs and she works with children with special needs which was a concern. And then it was like, well, what do we do? Do we just let her go on with her life? Exactly, like where do you even report someone? Like the fire department?

We can't do anything illegal. The post office. We didn't give her money. Right. At that point I was like, I'm done. I put my trust in her, I'm out. Out of 10 excitement level that a baby's arriving, where had you allowed yourself to get to

and were you heartbroken or was that taken over by resentment and anger? I was probably like an eight or nine in the excitement because it had gotten so far along. You really start preparing. Oh no. Were you doing nursery and stuff? We hadn't started while we were trying to conceive. We had been collecting baby stuff for years at this point.

But yeah, I think anger took over grief. Actually on the due date, we had like, it's not a baby shower, just to like try and add some levity to it. The time that we'd wasted that we could have been exploring other avenues. I mean, it was heartbreaking. So she never spoke to us again. We never had interactions. My wife reached out to her grandparent and was like, just so you know,

this is what your grandchild is doing. They didn't really have anything to say. Well, she probably didn't turn out that way because everything was ideal. Sure. Give her some grace. You have to have some sympathy because I think she was just lonely.

She was getting so much attention from us. And she was important to you. She was valued. She was needed. Needed, yeah. But honestly, that is Munchausens. You're looking right at Munchausens. It is. from us. And she was important to you. She was valued. She was needed. Needed, yeah. But honestly, that is Munchausen's. You're looking right at Munchausen's.

It is. It's the being needed and necessary. I'm so sorry this happened to you. In the end, it's a blessing. Three years after that COVID started, all of these parents were home with their kids, lamenting about, oh my God, they're here all day. And we just kind of looked at each other and went,

oh, thank God we don't have kids because we're just home, the two of us. And then fast forward three months, we get a call from the foster. We had gone through foster care training saying, hey, we have three siblings that we're looking for an adoptive parent for. Are you interested?

And we said, absolutely we are. Whoa, you went from zero to three? We went from zero to three. So three weeks later, we had a one-year-old boy and then four and five-year-old girls. Oh my gosh. They're now five, eight, and nine. And how's it going?

Oh God, it's hard. There was definitely a long transition period of just the sound levels. Yeah. Well, and this is great. I talk about this all the time. So had you had those children, your body would have produced a surplus of oxytocin

to dull all that and make you stupid for a while. And I would tell my wife, you know that crying sounds different to you and I. And you have three of it and it's three kids who came in with trauma. So they have histories that affected behaviors and affected their responses to love or attention. And so that was our bigger thing. I always told my parents,

you made three look so easy because I was the youngest of three. And they just kind of laughed. They're like, we fooled you. Good. But it's even like another step higher when it's a trauma-based child because their reactions are not what you think they are. They're not throwing a fit because you took away their snack that they weren't supposed to have. They're throwing a fit because they have food insecurity and that means something to them. They're hiding food for a reason,

not just because they're not listening to you. All right. All the patience that you have to have. I thought I had a lot of patience until I became a parent. I quickly realized that all your own insufficiencies come out when you become a parent. And you're like, oh, need to work on that. They fucking teach you patience in a way,

cause you have no choice but to adapt and get them. It's the stress of always, can you do enough to undo what was done to them? We kind of naively thought the one-year-old, oh God, he's fine, we got him early enough. Right. Now he's five and you're kind of seeing things come out. You know, it's like the body keeps the score.

We see that lived out on the daily. Certain times of year, they don't know why they're in a state, but it's because that was when they were moved from their first house. They don't know that, but they know it. This whole experience must give you just the utmost amount of empathy for everyone. Even just the way you're speaking about all of this,

like understanding, oh, that behavior is not actually about that behavior. I'm sure you see the world so much differently now. I do, because I was definitely, I think, a person before parenting that I was like, oh, why is that kid acting that way? Or I would never let my child X, Y, and Z. And I see it in other parents when they're seeing my children. And you just have to say, you know what they're processing

and they're doing great for their circumstance. You have to buy those little wins and just say, they're going through it and they're surviving it. Our hope is that we can just provide the stable foundation now with us and with therapy and everything we can do, they can still be successful. Do they have a crazy bond between the three of them? They do I mean they argue but our three are perfectly happy to sit and play together. We have friends over and they're still playing the three of them. I think when you

foster or adopt there's like a requirement I think on those parents to act like they're so happy all the time and that everything is wonderful and that's something we struggled with. I remember calling my sister who has kids and I was like, okay, you know, they always say, but at the end of the day, it's worth it. And I'm like, am I supposed to feel that way every day? And she's like, oh hell no. Once a month. If you get that once a year, you're golden. Yeah.

Okay. Because sometimes I'm like, oh my God, what have we gotten ourselves into? But in the end, we can give them the love and the support and give them the services that they need. It's a fight. You have to fight with schools. You have to fight with society. There's so much that's really pitted against them. Fuck, I'm so grateful you're doing that.

Me too. So admirable, really. Thank you. They really made our dreams come true. Everybody's like, oh my God, it's such a great thing you're doing. I'm like, this is exactly the family we wanted. And now I'm 44 and I have all three and we don't have to worry about it.

Yeah, real turnkey. Suzanne, this was wild. Yes, thank you so much for sharing it. Yeah, I'm really moved by this. I asked about how close they are because I will just say, because I was in so many different houses and there were so many different people

and dudes and stuff, my brother and I were like, oh right, but you're always here. No matter where we go, you're here. I need you. I love you. Regardless of how well we get along at all times. I have a bond with him that I do think is unique between siblings and I just hope they have that and I hope you can see it.

Of the silver linings of all that stuff, it's a pretty big one. You know, we tell them, now I promise, you're gonna be best friends one day. Oh, even if they don't get along, they'll kill for each other. Exactly, they're doing awesome. So we could not be happier. Well, a pleasure meeting you.

Thanks so much. Sending lots of love. Thank you, it was nice to meet you guys. All right. Bye. Bye bye. We're garbage. I'll speak for myself. I'm garbage. I could be doing more.

That's incredible. So incredible. Those kids are lucky. Lucky three kiddies. Very lucky. Unlucky kids and lucky kids. Who's this, who's that? Here's Greg.

Greg? Hey, what's going on? How are you? Are you in New Zealand? Why is it dark where you're at? I'm in a closet. We have just like a small little light in here. And my wife's like, you're going to look like a serial killer.

You don't not look like a serial killer, but you also look friendly, which is maybe the most dangerous kind of serial killer. That's true. I don't dress up like a clown or anything, so that's good. I feel like if you were going to dress up, I'd want to see you more in a pirate garb. My wife and I used to do theater before kids. I've played a pirate before.

Yeah, you would really really do well as a pirate. And then just real playful headset. Your headphones are half blue half red. Yes, they're my oldest daughter's Nintendo Switch headset. That explains it. Greg, where are you at in the country? I am in Canton, Ohio. It's just like an hour south of Cleveland. Wonderful. We love our Ohio neighbors, our Buckeyes.

Buckeyes. Buckeyes. I am not a sports person at all, so I'm a nerd. Me either. Theater guy. That's why I'm free to like people from Ohio because I'm not really a sports guy. Yeah, I don't have any beef. We're indistinguishable, Michiganders and Ohioans. Right, we just try to get along with everybody.

Do people know this though, that one of the few wars that have happened on American soil was the Michigan-Ohio War? No one knows that. The total casualties were like a farmer's two pigs were killed. We'll look that up, we'll fact check. The Toledo War, 1835.

1835, am I right about the death total being a pig? No one died. How do you call it a war of no- it was an argument, the Toledo argument. There was a non-fatal stabbing of a law enforcement officer. Well, sometimes they're called pigs. Oh, maybe that's why you're confused. That was quick. Okay, Greg, hit us with your wild card story. All right. So this takes place in December of 2020, just a few days after my birthday. When's

your birthday? December 8th. Okay. We just moved in to our new house. Works crazy. A lot of people got laid off and I'm working third shift. I tell my wife, I'm so tired. I need a break. So I took a vacation day. And third shift's nights, yeah? It's like a 10 o'clock at night to 6 in the morning shift. That's not what our bodies are supposed to do. We're not nocturnal. I take a vacation day. I'm at home with the girls. I've got two girls.

Congrats. Thank you. They're amazing. So we're hanging out. My wife's at work. We both had essential jobs. Right around noon is when she would call and say, hey, I'm on my way home. Do you want me to pick up some lunch or anything? The kids are outside with the dog. I run in the house, grab my phone, say, oh, maybe she's going to call. I hear the garage door open. I'm like, oh crap, the kids are outside, the dog's outside, the dog's going to get out.

Because he had just gotten out a couple weeks before this. So I'm like, oh great, now I gotta go run and look for the dog. So I run outside, my wife's standing next to her car, holding the dog by the collar, and her car is moving. Oh. And I'm like, well that's weird. Why is her car moving? She's not in it.

My first instinct, I'm thinking, oh, maybe it's just in neutral. It's just rolling. Because it's not going fast at all. I get in front of it to try to just's not in it. My first instinct, I'm thinking, oh, maybe it's just in neutral. It's just rolling, because it's not going fast at all. I get in front of it to try to just like push on it to see if it's just rolling and I could stop it. That's not the case. My youngest daughter, she was a year old at this point. She's like basically under the bumper. Oh, wait, what? Yeah, it's a Honda CR-V. So it's kind of like an extended little bumper

before you get to those first wheels. It's high. She's practically under it. I pick her up. I'm like, oh my gosh, trying to get out of the way of this car. And as I turn, the car knocks me over. Oh.

Proceeds to roll over top of me while I'm still holding my daughter. What? No. Oh my God. What is going on? There's a phantom. Do you think to chuck your daughter? It was kind of cold that day being December in Ohio.

So she was in her puffy winter coat and I just slid her across the garage floor and I'm just like, this is it, I'm done. Whoa. It's just this excruciating, hard to explain pain. Just rolling up my leg. Your brain just kind of shuts down. You don't even know what's happening at this point.

Isn't it quick how immediate your body goes, oh, this is going to be too much for us. We're not even going to experience this. We just shut down. So I just let out this tribal scream. Like I'm in pain. I don't really know what happened, but I did stop the car on my leg.

Then my wife had to proceed to back the car off of it. And that's when it broke. I heard it. I felt it. I almost would rather just feel it than hear it. Was it loud? Was it like a shotgun or was it just like a subtle? I heard it.

I don't know if anybody else did. I think my wife was just more in like freaking out, panic, getting the kids. Fuck this. This is too much. I need more info. He's gonna hit us with that. I know. We need it soon because I am like so confused right now.

It turns out she got out of the car and left it in drive. So that's why it was rolling, because she just panicked. Oh, the dog's there! I don't want him to run out! I don't want him to get out to the busy road! She just got out of the car, like, really quick. But then it stopped on my leg, because it's like a speed bump at that point.

So she's trying to call 911, and my wife will admit it, that she is a freezer. She just froze. She's dialing every number but 911. Four, five, six, you know, three, whatever. I'm laying on the ground of the garage at this point and I just like army crawl across the floor

and I proceed to call 911. I'm in pain, I'm shaking, and I'm just like, oh, yes, hello, I have just been run over by a car. I need an ambulance. They're like, are you on the road? Where are you? Oh, I'm in my garage. They asked, are you working on it?

No, I wasn't working on it. It just rolled over me and it was too hard to explain. I've called 9-1 a couple times in my life and I end up getting so frustrated with the details that they want at that Moment that I think are completely extraneous like what gives a fuck tell me that there's an ambulance on the way Ambulance comes the wife had to give a police statement because it dealt with a automobile She's bawling the youngest that I tossed across the floor. She's just shook

She's just like staring, like what happened? They get me on the gurney. Then he asks if they can cut the pant leg of my sweatpants that I was wearing at the time. That was the part that I was the most upset about because they were great sweatpants. Sure, you get attached to these favorite sweats. Yeah, you wear them in.

So he proceeds to cut the pants and I'm expecting to see gore, blood, bone. There wasn't, it was surprising. So they get me to the hospital, they take the x-ray, the doctor comes in and he's like, we need to do an MRI because we're pretty sure your bones are broken but we can't really tell. So they do the MRI and they find out

that both the tip and the fib are fractured right below the knee. Okay, but they haven't separated entirely. These are fissures in there now. Yeah, they were so surprised like what happened. So I'm now sitting in the room. I call my wife seeing like how she's doing. Most importantly, how's the youngest? Is she okay? Did I hurt her when she slid across the floor? Wouldn't you believe it? The youngest finally spoke and what she said was, daddy pushed me.

Oh boy. First words. I saved her life. I pushed her out of the way of getting run over. And she said daddy pushed me. That's probably the thing that hurt the most in the whole day. Yeah, I was like, what do you mean?

I wasn't doing it maliciously. It was pretty crazy. And to top it all off that week, I had just signed up for my life insurance policy and I'm like, what are you trying to do to me? Sure. And also how suspicious they would have investigated the hell out of her. Had you died, left it in drive, got out to save the dog. Oh sure. Also, this sounds like the slowest

moving catastrophe of all time. It's like a very unspectacular way to almost get killed. It was going like half a mile an hour. It was like the scene from Austin Powers with the steamroller. If you remember that part. Free stop. And they're like, ah, you're a mile away. And it just keeps slowly inching towards. I bet what happened is there was too many decisions to make. Does she go for the dog, the kid, her husband, the car? The house? Yeah, is the car going to drive through the house? Too many options, not cool under fire.

It could have been a lot worse, obviously, but it was just so random. That garage ended up being cursed. They got ran into by a food delivery driver, and then our cars got trapped in the garage for like three months. Oh, geez. Oh, well, Greg, thanks for telling us that tale.

I'm glad you made it out. Me too. Same. Would it be okay if my wife said hello? Of course. Get her in that dark closet. Here's the culprit. Hi.

Hi. What's your name? I'm Courtney. Here's the culprit. Hi. Hi. Hi. What's your name? I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you. Yeah. You have an immediate sweetness that I understand why that was an overwhelming situation. I can just see.

Yeah, that was a lot. Yeah, yeah. I was like, Monica's gonna hate dogs even more now. I didn't say it, but I did think maybe that wasn't the creature worth saving in the moment. You know, but I get it. I mean, I don't, but I do. It did make me hate dogs, but it did make me think

why on earth when we have two kids, it's so much that we also throw dogs in the mix. Cause we're in that same situation. Once a month, we're driving around the fucking neighborhood looking for these assholes and there's coyotes out. We got our hands full with just the two humans. Yeah. We're gluttons for punishment.

Well, we had him first. Okay, that's fair to him. Everybody's okay. It's all that matters. It's our craziest story. It had to be told. Well, nice meeting both of you. Nice to meet you.

Okay, take care. Bye. Here comes Morgan. Hi, can you hear me? Yes, can to meet you. Okay, take care. Bye. Here comes Morgan. Hi, can you hear me? Yes, can you hear us? Yes, I can. You've got the Duck Duck Goose sweater. It looks so cute on you.

It really does. Do you get compliments on it? I do. I've actually been wearing it when I travel in airports in hopes that I'll find an armchair in the wild. Oh, has it happened? It hasn't happened yet, but there's still time. Where are you at, Morgan?

I am in Wenatchee, Washington, which is right in the center of Washington state. What's happening in the center? It's mountainous, it's dry. So it's high desert. We have the Columbia River running through. We get snow in the winter, really hot summers. It's dry. So it's high desert. We have the Columbia river running through. We get snow in the winter, really hot summers. It's beautiful. So the Columbia river is running through there. How far are you from Hood river, which is also on the Columbia river. Very far.

We're pretty far. So it's probably about five hours. Okay. And what occupations exist there? What's the industry? So we're the apple capital of the world. Apple capital. Lots of agriculture.

My husband works in ag. So he's a fruit salesman and then healthcare. And I work in healthcare. Okay. So you have a wild card story. Does it take place in Washington? It actually takes place in Mount hood, Oregon. Oh, wonderful.

This story takes place in the summer of 2017. So at this time, I was 22 years old. I had just started my career as a nurse, and I met another nurse on the unit I was working on who found out that I had some mountaineering experience. We had kind of gotten to know each other, done some hiking together. And she's like, hey, I want you to teach me how to climb mountains.

OK, and really quick, what was her assessment of your skill level versus what it really was? And were you flattered that she was referring to you as an expert? And were you leaning into it? These are all the things that could have happened to me personally. So I had a lot of experience at that point actually. So I had been mountaineering with my dad since I was 15. I climbed Mount Rainier for the first time when I was 16.

Whoa. And then by this time, I had climbed all five volcanoes in Washington. Okay, so you're legit. You've been at it for seven years at this point. How long does it take to get to the top of Rainier? Is that the longest hike? Yeah, it's about the longest and it's the tallest technical mountain in the lower 48 states. So it takes about two days because you hike halfway the first day, rest a little bit, and then hike to the very top the second day. And what's that rest like mid-m mountain? Are you hanging in those cocoons? I've seen some people hanging in cocoons.

I think that's very extreme. It's not that extreme. You bring tents and we sleep on, it's pretty flat ground about halfway up, but you don't really sleep because you go to bed at like six or 7 p.m. and then you wake up like at midnight. Okay.

So it's just a nap. At a time that you can't fall asleep. Yeah, cause you're like kind of anxious and anticipating it. So it's not good sleep. You're almost better off going to bed at four, calling it a nap that goes too long, just framing it mentally.

But I think they're on a very tight schedule. Yeah, so I wasn't the best, but I had a decent amount of experience. She kind of knew my story. so she felt confident going with me. This is my friend, Caitlin, who asked me to teach her to climb mountains. I was super excited that she had asked me because I had mainly climbed with my dad and his 50-year-old buddies. So I was like to have someone my age who's female to climb with.

So we set a plan in place. We're going to train all spring. So we're gonna hike, we're gonna do some rucksacking, which I know you're familiar with, Bex. And so our plan was to do Mount Adams in May, which is not super technical, Mount Hood in June. And then our end goal was gonna be to climb Mount Rainier again for me in July and start

from like the least technical to the most technical. So we do Mount Adams successfully. So we start planning our trip for Mount Hood. Our Mount Hood team consisted of me, my friend, Kaitlyn, my dad, and then some of his climbing buddies. So all people we knew had experience. So we leave the day before to drive up to Mount Hood. It's about a five hour drive.

And we arrived at Timberline Lodge, which is where you start the climb. And where the exteriors of the Shining were shot. Exactly. So super cool, super beautiful lodge. On a clear day, you can see like a perfect view of Mount Hood. And so We arrived there. We have some dinner and while we're having dinner

We look up on the mountain and we see that a helicopter rescue is happening Okay, and on Mount Hood, I don't know the statistics, but they do a lot of helicopter rescues God and kind of the primary reason is because there's a ski resort there as well. And so people will go to the top of the ski lift, they'll see the top of the mountain, and they'll say, oh, it's not that far to just keep going to the top of the mountain while they don't have the right gear or experience and bad things will happen. This is something that could very easily happen to myself. I can see myself going,

oh yeah, that's just another couple clicks up. And it's a glacier, right? It is a glacier. So with glaciers, you have the risk of crevasses, and crevasses are the big cracks in the glacier that pose a risk because you could fall into them. And how do we feel about the difference between crevasses and a crevice?

It's a crevice in Mountaineering, but isn't it just a crevice? Is it spelled differently? It's a crevice when it's not dangerous, I guess. Have you thought on this, Morgan? I've never thought about that, but now I'm gonna have to really think about it. There's two different words.

Oh, it's two different words. Crevice is small cracks in a surface and a crevasse is huge opening. Oh, okay. I kind of said it then. And when it's hyper dangerous, it's a crevasse. Cause you could lose your ass in it. That's how you gotta remember.

Scary, I'm already scared. Crevasse. Thanks, Lobby Bub. So we see the helicopter rescue happening and we're like, okay, makes me a little bit nervous, but I'm feeling pretty confident in our skills. Mount Hood is a little bit different from Mount Rainier in that you can pretty much do it in one push. You don't need to spend the night on the mountain. So our plan was to sleep in our cars at Timberline Lodge, and then

we were going to wake up at midnight and climb to the top all in one push. And kind of the reason that you want to leave in the middle of the night is because that is when the snow is really hard and compact and it makes it much easier to climb. And then you also avoid that weather that usually rolls in in the afternoon because you're typically off the mountain by the time the afternoon comes. We get everything packed and ready to go. Typically with mountaineering, you want to bring crampons,

which are spikes that you hook to the bottom of your boots that are gonna give you grip to be able to walk up the snow safely. And then you also need an ice axe. And that ice axe is there in case you fall, then you're able to go into ice axe arrest, dig your ice axe into the snow and stop. Also helpful if you're climbing something really steep, then you can put the ice axe into the snow. Have you ever used, well, I won't say it

because maybe that's part of the story. Okay, never mind. Yes, I've used an ice axe for ice axe arrest before. And then sometimes when you're mountaineering, it's good to be roped together in case somebody falls into a curvas, then the two on the other ends can go into Isaac's arrest and basically stop that person from falling in the hole. On Mount Hood, you don't typically use ropes and the reason being is because the last section to get to the top of Mount Hood is a really narrow chute. If you're roped together and someone falls and you're not able to catch yourself, you're basically going to take out everyone below you and like clothesline them.

Go one, go all. Together we climb, divided we slide off the side Yeah, so that section of the climb also is called the pearly gates Oh, everyone's like, oh, that's such a beautiful name and that to me feels like you're going through the pearly gates to go to heaven Yeah, you only get to the pearly gates because you've died you could call it death's door. That would be the exact same Yeah, for some reason doesn't sound as optimistic. Hopeful. Pearlie sounds like beautiful. Pearl necklace. Yeah. And so we'd start climbing.

So because it's pitch dark out, we have our headlamps on. The first part of the climb, we're walking on rock because it's summertime, so a lot of the bottom part had melted off. As we continued to climb, it turned to snow and ice. It gets quite a bit of traffic in the summertime because that's when a lot of people will climb. And so we're walking in a boot path that had already kind of been established. Mount Hood, it's not a super far distance to get to the top.

It's only about three and a half miles, but it's 6,000 feet of elevation gain. Okay, that's steep. So it's like straight uphill. As we're going, our group splits apart, which is typical. Everybody goes at their own pace. Me, my friend, Caitlin, and one of my dad's friends are down below, and then the rest of the group has gone up a little bit. We haven't put on our crampons yet,

those spikes that go on your boots. We're walking and I'm like, it seems like it's getting slick right now. We should probably stop and put our crampons on, but nobody else is doing it. So I'm sure it's fine. Yeah, yeah, sure. Oh no. We get up a little bit further and decide to stop to have some water. So we step off to the side of the trail and I go to open my backpack and I had made a rookie mistake of hooking my helmet strap underneath my backpack strap that closes it. So as soon as I open

my backpack strap, my helmet strap flips out and my helmet just goes speeding down the hill. Okay. So before I can even think rationally, I go to step and try to grab the helmet and my feet just slip out from underneath me. Oh my God. Because it's basically a sheet of ice because we're no longer in that boot path. So, I start falling. And I don't have my crampons on. I don't have my ice axe because it's hooked to my backpack. I don't have my crampons on. I don't have my ice axe because it's hooked to my backpack.

I don't have gloves on. I don't have my helmet. Obviously it's speeding down the hill. So as I start falling, I look up and I just briefly remember somebody trying to slide me their ice axe. And it was someone who wasn't with us. And I can see it in my headlamp and I reach for it and I miss it.

Oh, that's a mixed bag. First of all, great impulse on that person. Also what a generous sacrifice. Lastly, an ice axe coming at you in the dark, you're lower than it. Also potentially like a cranium splitter. But it was the only thing. You're going to need this switchblade, catch. You know? Yeah, sure thing you're going to need this switch blade catch, you know? Yeah, sure.

You're going to need a butcher's knife catch. I quickly pick up speed and I don't have anything to stop myself. And so my instinct is basically to just start clawing at the snow as I'm sliding with my fingers, like trying to get some kind of grip. And the other thing I forgot to mention is it was pretty high winds that morning, which is normal with mountaineering. But the thing was, is I was obviously screaming really loudly,

but no one could hear me unless you were right next to me. I probably slid, it felt like an entire lifetime, but I probably slid for about 30 seconds and all of a sudden I feel someone jump on top of me. Ooh, a hero. And that person was doing the right thing and had crampons on. So they were able to bring us both to a stop.

Wow. I'm so jealous of this person. What a hero. Wow. Oh wow. I'm so jealous of this person. What a hero. Or a shero. And so he, this young gentleman. Oh, is this a meet-cute? I knew you were gonna think it was a meet-cute. Would we not?

It was not a meet-cute. Why haven't we seen that meet-cute in a movie? Oh my God, I would love that meet-cute. You slide to a stop, he's laying on top of you. He's jumped on you. You're cheek to cheek. He slides in it. And then he goes, hold on, I'm gonna think of the perfect thing he says when you slide to a stop, he's laying on top of you. You're cheek to cheek. And then he goes, hold on, I'm thinking the perfect thing he says when you slide to a stop.

He goes, well, that was close. He's from England. Oh, he's English. Yeah, they're always in the meet queue. Well, that was close. And you're like, oh my God, he's got such a funny sense of humor, almost died. I thought he was gonna make some sort of innuendo

about sliding it in. Okay, let me try that. Okay. Well that went in easy. And then you realized he was inside you. Right. But that was an accident. Rob's got one. You can break the ice.

Break the ice joke. Oh, that's a nice break in. Oh, okay. That could go either way, depending on how he looks. Yeah, his looks are gonna really determine whether that was a high quality. Okay. Oh wow, okay.

Sorry, we're ever romantic. No, I love it. Sorry, I got one. Okay. Oh wow. Okay. Sorry. We're ever romantic. No, I love it. Sorry. I got one last one. Oh no. I never thought when I went to sleep in me truck that I'd wake up next to such a beautiful girl. No, I don't like that one. I just wanted to bring in the fact that he too had slept in his truck. Oh yeah.

I forgot even about that. No one's thinking about that. But it's an inside climber's job. Okay. Sorry. Sorry. That's the last one. I think. If you have last one, I think. If you have any more, I'm all ears.

So he brings me over to the side of the trail. Such a nice man. I can tell he's probably has some military background and he's like, I have my first aid kit. I'm a nurse, so I kind of like assess myself for injuries. I'm okay, but I definitely like ripped open my hand pretty good from trying to stop myself. Okay, on the palm?

Like the tips of my fingers. Oh, the nail bed area. There's some pictures on the table right there. Oh, we have some pictures. Okay, yeah, absolutely. So for the listener, the hand looks like it went through a meat grinder. Oh yeah, it looks awful.

I mean, sorry. Okay, hold on. Maybe I have a new one. Now that I look at this, so he's I mean, sorry. Okay, hold on. Maybe I have a new one. Now that I look at this. So he's on top of you. He looks down and he sees this hand and he says, well, you've made a proper mess, haven't you? No, that then it's like the shame.

Okay, all right, all right. We'll keep trying. That's why when you write scripts, you have to throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall. This is a writer's room. Okay, so yes, your hand is thoroughly scratched to oblivion. Oh, it's perfect. In fact, for reference, you're missing a chunk of skin, the exact same size as

each nail directly above the nail. They're almost perfectly the same size as the nails. Okay. Definitely a flesh wound, but not super comfortable. So he has his first aid kit and like wraps up my hand for me, which was really nice. By that time, Caitlin and my dad's friend had made their way down the hill with my crampons and all of my gear, because basically they saw me like slip into blackness. I have to keep reminding myself it's dark.

Exactly. It seems preposterous. Anyone's climbing at night, but I guess that's how it's done. Yeah, so they make their way down, they find me, they help me put my crampons on. I'm 22 years old at this time, and so I don't think I really knew any better. And I'm like, yeah, let's just keep climbing, it's fine.

Well, here's where I need to check in. The fact that Caitlin had just observed you make such a bozo move, were you kind of dealing with a little bit of embarrassment too? Cause I would have been humiliated. You're supposed to be the old pro. The fact that someone had to save me who was wearing the right gear, that's just so embarrassing.

Yeah, yeah. Thank God though. So I'm like, yeah, let's just keep going. It's all good. It's all fine. And so we keep going up the hill and we meet up with the rest of the group. And they're like, where have you guys been? And I'm like, I almost died. Don't tell Caitlin, but I am much more scared than I'm letting on.

How many people die doing this a week? A lot. Well, I think it's more of the actual at Mount Hood or anywhere. How many climbers? Oh, geez. Annually. I'll figure it out. Figure it out. And maybe we shouldn't do it while Morgan's on the phone. at Mount Hood or anywhere. How many climbers? Oh geez. Annually? I'll figure it out. Maybe we shouldn't do it while Morgan's on the phone. This might still be her passion.

28. A week? 28 a year. Per year. That's not bad. That's actually not as bad as I thought. We can live with that. Okay.

111 injuries. Okay, well that's not terrible either. It's really not as bad as I would have expected. More people die probably roller skating. True. Okay, anywho. All right. So we meet up with them, we keep climbing,

and we get to the section that's kind of right below the pearly gates, so right before it starts to get pretty technical. And we're just kind of like regrouping, and we run into the guy who saved me. Wow, he lapped you guys. He's on his way down. Yeah, I know.

I recognize him, and I'm like, oh, thank you so much. Like you saved me. And the second photo that I sent in is actually a selfie that we took with the guy who saved me in his group. Hold on, I'm gonna try to guess which one's the hero cause we have three dudes in this photo. And one has got his jacket all the way buttoned up

and he's got an orange helmet on. I wanted to be this raw dog on the far right that looks like he's going to a Billy Idol concert in the 80s. But I have a hunch it's the guy with the orange helmet on. Wait, let me hold on. Okay, then Monica's gonna pick. I mean, I agree the one on the right is hot,

but he doesn't look prepared. But maybe he took his helmet off for the picture. I think it's the guy on the right is hot, but he doesn't look prepared. But maybe he took his helmet off for the picture. I think it's the guy with the orange helmet. I think he's the boy scout. Me too, me too. Which one was it? Middle guy. It was the middle one. Yeah.

The one with the orange helmet. I'm the other guy. I would have been like too busy making sure my hair looks sweet to rescue the girl. And his jacket isn't even zipped up. No, it's too hot for a jacket. Oh my God. It was really funny because they were like not stoked

to be taking a selfie with us. They weren't. I think they were maybe a little bit annoyed. Okay. They're like, this isn't funny, guys. Well, cause they were like, do you think they were like, these amateurs shouldn't be doing this, she almost died and now they're up here laughing,

taking selfies. Yeah, that's how I would feel. I think that might've been the vibe. Rawdog on the right, I don't think he slept in his car. I think he was at a bar at about 10 PM. It was like, fuck it. Should we make a run up to the pearly gates? Maybe he was that. I think he's still up. Ski-er, he was like one of those like ski guys.

Okay, so you're at the pearly gates. So we start going up towards the pearly gates. We kind of get up on the glacier and it starts to get really steep. And of course it's still icy. It's starting to get a little bit light outside though, as you can see in the picture, but my adrenaline started to come down a little bit and I started to get really uneasy. Just like everything was starting to settle in. And so I told the group, I was like, I don't feel comfortable going on.

I really feel like I need to turn around, which is very rare. I normally would just push through and keep going. This seems way harder to bail out than it does to finish. Especially because you're so close to the end, but that was a smart instinct. Me, my dad, and my friend, Caitlin, which we told her, you can keep climbing if you want to,

but the three of us turned around and went back, and then the rest of the group was able to go on and get to the top. Okay. And how did you feel after the decision? Naturally, I think I wished I would have continued, but deep down, I know that it was the right decision. Good, you gotta listen to these instincts.

There's no way to know if you were right, but you were. Well, you're here. Cause now we are talking and you would have been dead. Was there any thought about asking the guy for his phone number or you were already betrothed? I was already betrothed. I was already dating my now husband. Okay. Bummer.

I mean, this really would have been a great meet you. Maybe he jumped on someone else later that day and had a meet. Got it in? Yeah, slipped it in. I hope so for his sake. Have you done climbs since? Yeah, so we still stuck to our plan.

I mean, we went back and climbed Mount Rainier in July and had no issues. I think I was just so young that I was able to like move on, but I did try to go back to Mount Hood two years after this event and I just couldn't. Yeah. Interesting. I got up to around the same section and I was like, no, doesn't feel right.

Yeah. We're so used to the story where it's like, you're supposed to push through and you're supposed to push through and blah, blah, blah. But for why? Exactly. Yeah. It's interesting. It's all in your head. It's just ego. But blah, blah, blah. But for why? Exactly. Yeah, it's interesting.

It's all in your head. It's just ego. But boy, I can relate. I know. But maybe you should try to take a, what's it called? Take a page out of- A lesson, learn a lesson. Yeah, take a page out of a book and not do that.

And listen. Listen to your instincts. I do do that on the track. I never ride the last session and generally not the last two sessions. That's good. Cause I go, you know what? I'm tired.

I've been riding for two hours on the track and most of the crashes seem to happen in the last session. So let's count this a big, lucky victory. Well, that's what they say in skiing is two more runs, skip the last. Yeah. That same thing was in skateboarding growing up. Last run was always you're going to the hospital. So you were, no one's allowed to say last run.

Skiing, same thing, no last run. But then you're out smarting the system. Then it's like the 14th floor in a hotel. We know it's the 13th floor. You do take a last run. It's the last one of the day. Sure. Mind games.

Well, Morgan. Thank you for this. Yeah. This was fun. This was harrowing, scary, yet another. And romantic. And romantic, yes you're right. Yeah. This was fun. This was harrowing, scary, and romantic. Yes, you're right.

And yet another thing I find horrifying. Yeah. That I'm not doing. Yeah. I definitely slowed down a lot on it over the years. Once I kind of realized the risk associated with it. I might get into it. We'll be sleeping in the bus, so that'll be fine.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. Morgan, this was a blast. It's so nice meeting you. Yeah. It's so nice to meet you. I did want to give a quick shout out to my sister, Justine.

She got me into armchair expert many years ago and she was actually on the first wild card prompt. No way. What? She was the zip line. Oh wait. So you had the same crazy dad. Yes, so Zipline dad is in my story as well. Oh, this is-

Is also Mountaineering dad. I think you guys might've had the best dad in America. This is incredible. Siblings? Yes, with dad both times. And dad is really showing up on both of these. Yes, so we were talking that we need to find a prompt for Zip Line Dad so that you can officially meet him.

He's gotta have a million stories. He probably has a shit your pants story. Oh, for sure. We haven't done that in a minute. He has endless stories and he's very funny. Okay, we gotta get him on. This wasn't a meet-cute, but this in a way. Is a meet-cute. Something wasn't a meet-cute, but this in a way. Is a meet-cute.

Something about it is meet-cute adjacent. Yeah, hold on, do I have any others that much time? Huh? Thinking of what the guy could've whispered to her again. Oh God, okay. Well, I think it's time to go. This was great though, thank you very much. Yes, it was so nice to meet both of you.

All right, back at you. So nice to meet you. Thanks, Morgan. Bye. Take care. Oh my God, what a sweet family you. Oh, right back at you. So nice to meet you. Thanks, Morgan. Bye. Oh my God, what a sweet family. Siblings, I just love this. I love this dad. This family's a good story family. If they wanted us to come,

what was the party we were gonna attend in the South where we got paid, but we had to go to the bathroom in front of everyone? I forget what state. Oh yeah, Valentine's Day. A Valentine's Day paid appearance. Yeah. I hope it's their family. Oh yeah, that'd be great. I won't take any money from them Yeah. I hope it's their family. Oh yeah, that'd be great.

I won't take any money from them, but I hope it's their family. I still would like to get paid for that. Okay. Here's Mary. Hello. How's it going? Good, how are you?

I'm doing great. Right now I'm getting major educational vibes and or penitentiary. Oh, I'm doing great. Right now I'm getting major educational vibes and or penitentiary. Oh, I'm getting education. Not either. I'm actually in insurance. So like maybe a little bit of a mixture of both. Sure.

What is in this closet normally? Because it's very tight. It couldn't be someone's office. It is called a focus room and it is just here to give you peace and focus. OK, they should have decorated a little better cause there's a huge fuse panel on the wall. If I can give you a tour. Oh, okay.

They try. This isn't very meditative. I feel like I could place the city base. Will you pan one more time to that picture? I want to take a stab at where you're at. I feel like there's good enough clues here. Are you in Tampa, Florida? I'm not, but not a horrible guess.

I'm in Columbia, South Carolina. Oh! Which I actually arrived at a few hours ago. So I just got in for work. Oh, you don't live there? No, I live in Maine and Dax, I don't know if you remember me, we met on your Samsung pop-up.

You interviewed my mom and I. Oh my God, yes, in Vegas, at the, whatever that place is, World of Leisure. The mall. That's what I'm gonna call it. It was a mall. Weird. Yes, 100%.

How fun. Yes, crazy. Monica, I haven't had the honor yet. Not yet. It's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. So you have a wild card story. I do.

And how do you want to approach? Do you want a prompt? You jump right in. Ooh, unless you want to give us a prompt. However you want to do it, we're very Lucy Goosey. Okay, I'm going to give a little bit of a prompt because this is my second time submitting and being selected for the story,

but I missed Emma's email the first time. Oh no, okay. So real warning to the armchairs out there. So it's a 9-1-1 story and the person does survive. Okay. Oh, okay, great. Thank you. That is helpful. So this takes place in Rhode Island when I was about 11 or 12 years old. It's about 2004 or 5. It's like a Saturday afternoon. My mom and my brother are out and they're doing errands together so they go to the grocery store and the pharmacy and it leaves just my dad and I at home.

And earlier that week, my mom and I had gone shopping for my father daughter dance dress, which I was very excited about. But it's also the age in which I hate being observed by my family. I'm a little tomboyish. I don't want to be witnessed in a dress. I am nervous about the whole thing. So when my family gets out of the house, I'm like, this is the perfect time for me to try on this dress and like twirl about the room and feel like a pretty princess.

Try to like work your way into the character you'll be playing. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And on the same, my dad decides he's gonna do some yard work. He wants to clear a bunch of brush by the well cover that's kind of at the edge of our property. It has a bunch of overgrowth on it

and they're thick vines and some tree branches that he wants to get cleared off. He can't wait to sink his teeth into that. That's a dad task if I've ever heard of one. And he goes out there with a weed whacker and after two broken pieces of plastic on the weed whacker, the actual oscillating piece, he decides he's going to augment the weed whacker and make it a little bit more powerful. Oh, great.

I like them already. He would claim to be handy and not necessarily the smartest, but he comes back inside. He takes a little piece of the soldering wire that's pretty bendable, flexible, and a band saw blade. Oh boy. And he affixes it to where the weed whacker would have the heavy-gaze plastic wire, because now it's going to cut through very thick brush because it's functionally a saw blade that he's put on a weed whacker. Yeah. Okay. So Monica, do you have a, you have a mental image of all this?

I think so. I'm trying to do my best with the imagery here. So my dad heads outside and I decide on the moment that he heads out with the band saw blade attached, it's my time to deadbolt the front door to stop him from coming in to witness me. He goes outside. I go get changed. Mary, can I just for one second, what goes on with us as humans? I know what you're saying. You don't want to be observed, but I have an 11 year old and I'm just trying to anticipate this and be the perfect.

Humans are weird. And so we don't want people to see us being weird. I know. I just, I'm trying to drill down into that a little bit. I think it's kind of some weird, sweet part of us. It's just so peculiar, isn't it? How you can feel so awkward for no reason. You're just existing, but you're like, I'm a punchback. I was playing a heavy character in the other direction.

So this was the antithesis of me to like, be in a dress and be frilly. The one time I put on makeup, I got roasted at dinner because everybody was excited and they were talking about it. But to me, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my life. I don't know what you do.

You just pretend you're ignoring them maybe? Just let them do whatever. Do whatever and you just don't come out and talk. You don't need to ask what they're doing. Okay. I think they just grow up and go to therapy. Yeah, exactly. It all works out.

Comes out on the wash. Okay. So I'm blasting probably Avril Lavigne or something on my little boombox in this dress. And I start to hear this frantic banging on the front door. And I know it's got to be my dad, but I don't want him to see. I take the time to change my clothes, and the banging is getting louder, and I can hear it's like kind of him throwing his body against the door.

Oh, okay. We have one of those half circles at the top of the door. As I'm walking towards the door, I see my dad's wrist and he's clutching it with the other hand and I can just see blood pouring down his arm. Oh boy. I open the door. There's so much blood. There was some splatters and then there was also like the drips from down his arm and then there was like a puddle on the ground. And not like a big puddle, but just, you know, the image sticks with you.

And he looks at me and he goes, call your mother. Oh, it's not 9-1-1. He says, call your mother, which I do. And I run back inside. He's like made it into the house and he's dragging blood into the house, which my mother would remind him of for like quite some time afterwards. I'm on the phone with her cell phone. My mom and brother at the same time had forgotten to go to the grocery store and we're the next street and she guns it down the road and enters

the house and she looks at me and she guns it down the road and enters the house. And she looks at me and she goes, call fucking nine one one. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Your father's bleeding to death. If ever there was a time for nine one one, it is now. So I call nine one one. And the other thing to note is that my dad was a former commander of police and his dad was a firefighter in the area.

And so he was well known in the town. So when I called 911 and dispatch said the name and address over the radio, it must have been every single ambulance EMT, like the fire marshal came out, every on duty, off duty police officer, everybody showed up. I'm sure he hated.

It was the roast of frankness. Oh no. They were just dragging him talking about what had happened. And so he starts to explain the stories. The EMTs are there and hacking his wrist, which is mangled. It gets a little worse, Monica, but then it gets better. He explains that as he is clearing the brush, which he swears that his invention is perfectly usable and was very effective at cutting through the vines. He stands by it. Absolutely. His foot got caught on a vine and it's on a slight decline on this hill. He couldn't stabilize himself and he fell on his back. And even though there is like an automatic shutoff for a plastic gauge wire,

the momentum of the bandsaw blade, like kept it going pretty ravenously. So he falls backwards and he sees the blade coming at him towards his head. And he puts up his hands in a defensive block. It cuts through bone and muscle and tendon all the way to a sixteenth of an inch from his artery. If it was a sixteenth of an inch difference, my dad would have bled out and died out in

the backyard, which we found out later, but insane luck. And the guys went to the backyard to collect this invention so they could do a little show and tell while the EMTs are still packing the wound. Yeah, they're going to like take this to local elementary schools and go, this is why you do not tamper with the design of a weed whipper. Yes. And it has like viscera on it when they came back to like show it off to the group. I hate this story. Like they had ground meat with it or something? back to the group.

Like they had ground meat with it or something. Okay. But he survived. And I remember I felt so guilty about the whole thing. I didn't tell my parents about the dress until I wrote in the story. I'm 30 years old. I waited a long time. They couldn't care less. They were like, that's dumb. It was also going to be fine anyway, but I carried such guilt. I insisted on doing his wound care for like the rest of time. And I do remember the night I was in my father daughter dance dress and he was in his suit and I was changing the wound. And I was just like, so glad that I still had a date.

Oh, that's so sweet. Oh my God. I'm a little hung up on the daddy daughter dance. Of course. It's very ego centric of me. What's interesting is you did want to go though, right? Oh yeah. I was so excited. I can't explain it. I know what you mean. It's so complicated. It's still complicated. What you mean? Cause am I supposed to just say like, hey,

there's this daddy daughter dance. I would love to go. But also if you don't want to go, if it's too stressful, we don't have to. You can say that the other context is I fought too thin nail with my mom growing up. Cause she wanted to put me in pretty dresses and she wanted my hair to be cute and braided.

And I was like, can't do that, won't do that, not your girl. I am gonna be in overalls and that's all I wanna do. And so I fought it so hard that there was a layer of embarrassment to be like, oh, I do really like this and I think I look pretty and cute. And like ego a little bit like, oh, I've been saying this exactly. Yeah. That was a big motive for me to never give anyone

the opportunity to say, I told you so. What a waste of everyone's time. I know, but you have to learn it. Did he have to have surgeries to repair like the tendon and all that? Yeah, and he got 90% of the function back. Like he can't hard grip sometimes, but he served in the Navy before being police commander.

So he had had some damage to it. So he was just stoked that he still had it in hand generally and they put it back together pretty well. And did he ever use his invention again? The invention was banned from the house. And then there was an insistence on better automatic shutoffs of his other inventions. Okay. I like that.

Yeah. But he was so pissed that my mom threw away the weed whacker and she hadn't taken the soldering wire, which was expensive, off of that thing that he used to attach the bands to. She's like, I can't see that. Well, I will say this did go in a different direction than I was anticipating. I thought he was going to get that thing whirling at about 15,000 RPM, and then it was just going to come loose off of however he attached it, and it was going to go right through his

ankle. That's what I was guessing. So I had that wrong. So it's kind of a feather in his cap. It didn't really fail. The invention still worked. Yeah, it held up. The well cover was really neat and clean after that.

Shush, shush, shush. Well, I'm so glad everyone is okay. I'm glad you started with that. Cause that's rough. Such a dad's story. God, can I see myself in this exact same situation? Well, Mary, it's nice to see you again. Did you have the Botos calendar?

I didn't have the Botos calendar. I had the Taylor Swift bracelets. Which are on my nightstand currently. I also need to tell you, I made those bracelets so big, and I heard you guys talk about on the podcast, them feeling tight, and I was like, these boys have thick wrists. Tell everyone. Tell everyone you meet.

Well, Mary, it's lovely to see you again. I'm glad dad didn't lose the entire hand. Me too, it was so nice chatting with you guys. Tell your mom I said hi. I will. Okay, take care. Bye. Bye guys.

She made Swifty bracelets, it said F1 on them. So, so cute. Oof, that was rough. That was two dad stories. Yeah, it was. And that's because Father's Day is this year. It is this year. When is Father's Day?

June. June, when's Mother's Day? In a couple weeks. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh, good heads up. Better get on it. Or start planning.

Well, this was fun. Wild cards are so fun. I love wild cards. I enjoy it so much. Should do more wild cards. Oh, probably will. Once a month. All right. Okay so much. Should do more wild cards. Well, probably will. All right. Okay, bye, love you.

Do you wanna sing a tune or something? We know a theme song. Oh, okay, great. We don't have a theme song for this new show So here I go, go, go We're gonna ask some random questions And with the help of our own cherries We'll get some suggestions On the fire rind-ish

On the fire rind-ish Enjoy!