Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Best of Friday 2025

Episode Date: December 26, 2025

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Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair expert early and ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. I'm John Robbins and on my podcast I sit down with incredible people to ask the very simple question, how do you cope? From confronting grief and mental health struggles to finding strength and failure. Every episode is a raw and honest exploration of what it means to be human. It's not always easy, but it's always real. Whether you're looking for inspiration, comfort, or just a reminder that you're not alone in life's messier moments,

join me on How Do You Cope? Follow now wherever you get your podcasts, or listen to episodes early and add free on Wondery Plus. How Do You Cope is brought to you by Audible, who make it easy to embark on a wellness journey that fits your life, with thousands of audiobooks, guided meditations and motivational series. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous, Best of Friday's 2025 edition. Christina? Sure. Oh, lovely. We're hitting some new spots today. Yeah, we are. And I like that. We're in the northeast. I mean, it's fall foliage season. You can't beat this time of year. Oh, lovely. Okay, so you have a wildcard story, which are our favorites because we have no clue what you're going to tell us.

All right. Let's get started. So this all started in January of this year. Recent. Very recent. And it was a freezing cold day as January days typically are in New Hampshire. This was the kind of day that you go outside and within. two to three minutes, your nose hairs feel like they're completely frozen. So I was taking my daughter and her friend and her friend's mom down to Boston College for a lacrosse camp for the day. We parked in the closest parking garage that we could find to the stadium so that we didn't have to walk outside very much. So we dropped the girls out at LaCross and then headed out to get sushi in Boston together. So I don't know about y'all, but I love a lot of soy sauce with my sushi. Sure, me too. So we spent about three and a half hours.

just enjoying and relaxing dinner out. And then we headed back to Boston to get the girls. So I forgot to tell you that I am a thirsty person at baseline. I have the water bottle with me everywhere I go. And I usually have a pink stainless steel water bottle that if I'm going somewhere for five minutes, I have it, or if I'm gone for the day, I literally choose purses based on if I can fit a water bottle. It's your blankie. It is.

A lot of people do this. The girls all have steel water. bottle so we leave the house with, and then they leave in my car, and it sounds like bowling balls running around in the back seat. Of all the blankies to have, I think it's the best, probably water. It's a good one. But when you add soy sauce on top of already a thirsty person, I was absolutely parched when I got back in the car. And of course, I had drank my water bottle as we traveled from New Hampshire to Boston, so I didn't have any water left. So when we arrived to pick up the girls at BC, as if the hydration gods had spoken, and there was a huge cooler of smart

water, like the fancy alkaline kind, at the camp. So I helped myself to one of those. We got everybody back in the car. I poured it through the spot of my water bottle, and we continued on our way back up to New Hampshire. So it was an uneventful evening. We went to bed. Alarms went off the next morning, and it was Monday. So I have about a 35-minute commute to work. And so one of my routines in the morning is that I bring coffee and water in the car. And I force myself to basically have a sip of coffee and then a sip of water, mostly just to feel adequately hydrated and adequately caffeinated before I get to work every day. Yeah.

And my nine-year-old son frequently makes my coffee in the morning. And let's just say that quality control is not his forte. Sure, sure, sure. That's so sweet, though. A variety in each morning's batch. So on this particular morning, about six minutes into my drive, I have kind of a gritty piece of something in my mouth. This isn't super out of the ordinary for me.

Again, coffee grounds are a frequent thing that I find in my coffee. So I pick it out of my mouth and it's white, not brown. Oh, interesting. So it's not a coffee ground. But again, my son has creative freedom with coffee making. I've had candy canes in my coffee, Hershey Kisses. Are there any ceramics in the mix? Like I'm thinking what could be white in your coffee?

Is it broken ceramics? No, it's in a stainless. steel coffee mug. I continue on with my drive. I also notice that my water tastes a little funky this morning. So I'm really wondering what is in my coffee today? Because the water just didn't taste quite right. But again, it was the fancy alkaline water from the night before. Drink my whole coffee, drank my water all the way to work. So I work in a healthcare office. And so I see patients all day long. So I had a really busy day, patients back to back. Mid-morning, I stop and I fill up my water at the water cooler. And I noticed near the spout of the water, it almost looks like tiny calcifications

where you put your mouth. And I think maybe it's lip glass. I don't know. I scratch at it a little bit. Nothing comes off. So I make a mental note to just make sure to soak my water bottle when I go home for the night. I continue through my day and head home around 520. So when I get home, I'm there with my 12-year-old daughter and I bring my water bottle over to the sink. I squirt some water right through the spout where I found those calcifications and I flipped my water upside down just to let it soak for a little bit to get it real clean. About five minutes later, I unscrew the lid and I dumped my water into the sink. And what came out? A soaking wet, stiff as a board, dead. No. Mouse. No! Oh! How? Oh, Monty's fucking sure.

Monica, I sent Emma a picture. When and where did a mouse get in there? So my first thought was maybe that this was a prank. Oh, I don't think Monica can look. There's no way looking at that's going to do you any good. I have to. Fuck, you're not going to be well. I told you not to.

No! It's fucking enormous. We're calling it a mouse, but also maybe a rat. Ew, it's tailsy. Ew. It was enormous. How could this possibly happen? My best guess was the parking garage.

Because this was not a New Hampshire field mouse. It was not a tiny mouse. It was a giant city mouse. It was so big. It's a city mouse. Like Monica's city mouse. Big apple mouse. I should feel bad for it.

You should. What was that weird taste? His dead mouse taste. And then dead mouse and then the white stuff on it. Oh, I don't know what the white. Oh, my God. The calcifications on my water go. Oh, I'm on the verge.

They were bite marks from my furry friends trying to escape. No, don't call on that. No, no, do it. And this happens all the time. Wait. What do you mean? Hold on that. So I frantically Googled it, and I called my sister Andrea, who's a veterinarian and also an armcherry, by the way. Oh, good.

We like her. This happens constantly for people who leave any type of. of water, soda can, anything in their car. No. Overnight. Whoa. Oh my God. So this is a cautionary tale.

It is a very cautionary tale. It's a PSA. So you didn't have the top on it. So the size of the opening was less than the size of a dime to put it into perspective. And I'm assuming that I must not have completely screwed the cap on. So it can squeeze that tiny. Yes. He's like an octopus.

Ew. But I'd rather have. an octopus in my water. Me too. People eat that. Mouse water all day long. Don't say mouse water. Seven refills, Monica. What? Did you call 911? You had filled it up seven times with that mouse in there? I think because it was so dead and its legs and arms were pushing out. Stop! It didn't shift back and forth? I don't know. Christina. So my dear husband, he is a sweet man and he bags up the mouse. in a plastic bag and then puts it in a brown paper bag and sends me off to urgent care with Exhibit A in a brown bag.

Yeah, yeah. We're going to, I guess, test him for things. You're rabies and all kinds of, ew. I had to get dewormed. Oh, what the other thing. And treated on antibiotics. Yeah. Oh, Mama.

And then subsequently replaced every stainless steel water bottle in our entire house with clear glass water bottles that I can see all the way to the bottom now. Yeah, I bet you'll never, ever drink from something again without that crossing your mind. I won't ever. No one listening to this will. So we just crush the stainless steel water bottle industry. It's over.

It's well. Or keep your lids on very tight because they also can't open tight lids. Or just don't leave it in your car. That's the real public service announcement. We all leave shit in our car all the time. Well, look, I only drink out of see-through, so I'm ahead of the curve. I'll take my potential microplastic damage over mouse damage. You should probably go check all those stainless steel water bottles.

Yeah, there's so many in the car. People just leave them in there. They may need a cat that sweeps the car every time. It could open it with its little teeth, the lid. And then mice are very smart. So they can pull the lid back on once from the inside and twist it back up. Maybe that's what happens. That makes me feel better.

Oh, my God. Did you throw up? I felt incredibly non-seying it. Yeah, of course. Which obviously at urgent care, they were concerned because of stomach issues that can come up with this. But honestly, it was just me feeling disgusted. Yeah, grossed out, for sure. Oh, my God.

Oh, Lord. That made me feel rough inside. Yeah. We've heard some stuff, too. This is similar to the jelly legs. Uh-huh. It's in that realm. Yeah.

You've hit the bar and it was high. Wow. They didn't see that coming at all. I did not. And that white gritty thing was probably part of the mouse. What? Yeah, I mean. It had to be.

It's like tail fungus. Maybe it was biting. I had fingernail me. Oh, sorry. Oh, okay. All right. Let's shut it down. Monica is not in the healthcare professions.

I want to cry. So we got to tread a little. Can I give a quick shout out to my sister Andrea and her friend Brett who gave us the idea for this admission? Yes. Thank you, Andrea and Britt. We appreciate it. That was horrific and we love you for it. Thank you so much for telling us that. Of course. And I'm sorry, Monica. Thank you. All right. Well, lovely meeting you. We're going to regroup. We're going to regroup and reset. Bye. Bye.

From episode 860, DNA testing. Taylor, can you hear us? Yeah, I'm sick. So I'm sorry. My voice is all. You're going to have to get healthy before we can talk to you. You're going to have to call us back. I had some cold. I thought it went away. Now it's back.

Yeah, these colds. These are the new colds. They're for three months. That's just how the fucking colds are now. Apparently. Okay, so you have a wild DNA store. I do. I'm a twin.

We are the babies of seven. About six, they divorced. And my dad moved out with his friend girl. I went to another state and kind of left my mom to raise all of us. Oh, my God. And he made it really clear that he had left. When I was about 16,

she was completely over me and my shit. And so she booted me out here to live with him, just me, left everybody back where they were. What about the twin? Yeah. And are you guys identical or fraternal? It's a boy. So he stayed back. We were freshmen in high school.

But I was a pain in the ass. I have a 17-year-old right now. And, like, God bless her. I know. I'm caught between. So my brother was really, really challenging. And now that I think of his story and I write about it, I realize he really needed someone that had a lot of.

capacity to help. I just feel bad for both people in the story. Like, I feel bad for my mom and I felt bad for my brother. So you probably needed a lot of help. I am so blessed by my children that I'm like, how did you do it? And she's like, I sent you. I didn't. So she sent me here and I was nice and sassy. And I was like, you know what? Why'd you leave? Like, what's your problem? Was she worth it? And he's like, wasn't the only one. For all, I know, you're some Jack guys, baby. Oh. I understood that this Jack guy was like a colleague of my mom. I'd heard the name. But I'm like, you're deflecting. You're just trying to take the attention off what you're doing.

I was very much not here for it. Also, Jack guy sounds like a term. Like a certain kind of guy. Like he works at a... Well, that would be great. But I was thinking more like he works at a mechanic shop. Like he's jacking up cars or like a jack jockey. Different industries, for sure.

But yeah, fair enough. He didn't harp on it. He never really had a lot of nasty things to say about my mom. He was always very kind. He's like, she loves you. But he was tired of being the only one taking the blame. And he kind of wanted to get his story out there. but then we didn't talk about it again.

And did he and the friend girl have any children? No, that happened for about a year. And then after I had my third son, my mom mailed me my baby book. And the baby book had all these like cards and crap in it. And in it, there was a literal Western Union telegram, yellow with the tear on it and everything, that said, congratulations on the twins. I'm so happy, Jack. Oh, okay. This is curious.

Yeah. You're all curious. I try digging and I can't find anything. And I just move on. So a couple years later, me and my twin decided we were both going to try ancestry and 23 and me. We wanted to prove that they were full of it. And you know, everyone said the origins are off. We weren't really doing it for DNA purposes.

We were just trying to play with it. And we were kind of right. Like his came up a little bit Irish and mine came up a little Scottish. And then the rest of it was just Eastern European, didn't think anything of it. 2022, I got back in this jack fix. And I was like, I'm going to figure this out. So I started digging through 23 and me, which had matches that were like fifth cousin nonsense. So I was bored.

So I was like, oh, log in. my brother's ancestry because he would have different matches. And sure shit, I opened up it says parent-child match, my brother, and Jack. Hold on a second, though. Why didn't yours say that? Jack only did ancestry. Oh, you did different ones. They divided and conquered.

Oh, I don't like to blow up my family over nothing. So I'm like, I'm going to do my own ancestry because I had done 23 so that I can catch my breath. You told your brother, obviously. He already knew. Not this point. Oh, wow. Okay. We don't live in the same state anymore.

so I just let it be. And I didn't know how to process. You know, that's a lot. This is a fucking mess. I do my own. Ironically, Father's Day is the day I get mine back. I open it up and there is no Jack to be found. And it says that me and my twin brother are half siblings.

Wow. Yeah, it's called Super Feoduncation. I don't know how to say it. No. It's very, very rare. There's like 10 cases in all of America. Whoa. Wow.

So your mother was carrying two different people's child. Isn't that wild? At literally the exact same time. Yes. What? I'm upset. Don't even know how to tell my brother that he's the only one of us seven that's not. Well, do you know, though, the other fives that they done ancestry?

None of them have. We don't know how much Jack was in or out of the picture. My dad has got black hair and flies. And my twin is the tallest out of everybody. He's like 6'1. I'm 4.11. And he's blonder. And so is Jack after doing lots and lots of fun research.

So then then they decided to go crazy on my ancestry and connect some more dots and just try to make sense of it. And I couldn't. I couldn't connect any more dots. So they have these things called DNA angels. I don't know if you've ever heard of them, but like huge shout out to them. They do it for free. They'll log into your ancestry and they'll help you connect some dots from fifth cousins all

the way down to like maybe who your grandfather's father was. So I call on them. I'm like, help me. So she logs in and about 10 hours later, she calls me and she's like, I'm really sorry, but you're not your dad's either. What? Oh, boy. She's like, it's one of these three men.

They're all brothers. They connect to a grandfather that my DNA connected to. Mom was busy. She sure was. U.S.Y. busy. So I just started at the top of the three men. He's the oldest, out of all of them closest to my mom's age. His name was James.

In about two hours into researching, do I not land on a photo of Jack? James, my mom all at a conference, the year of my birth. I mean, there was like 10 of them, those three were in the middle. Like, my mom was in the middle and Jack and James. And I continued to find out Jack was the president of this company, and they were, like, the trustees. Can you now hold on? Was it a three-so? I asked that question a lot.

I've done so much investigating. The only thing I don't know is, did they take turn? Right. E.S. was one night and then the next night. She, like, go down to the bar after. Exactly, because it would have to be that fast. There's a lot of permutations here. I think it was an orgy.

Even if she hyperobulated, the studies show it has to be within a couple days. Okay. So have you discussed any of this with your mom? No, I haven't confronted her. You haven't. I told my twin, which kind of like ruined our relationship. Oh, no. So he called Jack because I'm sitting on it for months.

And then he comes out here of our birthdays and I'm like, so guess what? And he's like, Mom got Eiffel Tower. And I was like, that's not funny. What does that mean? What does that mean? She knows a lot of code words. Just think about an Eiffel Tower. Oh, sure, like a wobbly age, saw horse. Yeah. I don't get it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I do. He calls this guy, because I had this guy's phone number. Mind you, both these two men are married 50 years plus. So they were married to these women and they still are. He calls them and he's like, hey, guess we parent child matched on ancestry. And Jack's like, your mom and I agreed we'd never have any contact with you. So bye. Oh, my God. Well, he's afraid. Sure. And I'm not out here to hurt me. But he could have been like, here's a few medical things you might need to know. Exactly. Minimally, I'm sorry. Yeah, here's $5,000. Well, Jack had no kids.

Maybe he thought he was sterile. Well, he knew about us, though. And he sent a telegram. But he doesn't probably know that I'm Jameses. He probably thinks he has me and my brother out there. He's like, okay, I don't need to talk to you. But is your sister going to call? Because I need to tell her.

I don't want to talk to her either. Your sister calls. It's going to be a longer conversation. He's not my dad, so I can't say anything to him. And then I looked up mine, and he was once upon a time, the Supreme Court Justice of a Southern State. So I decided to leave that alone. Holy moly.

And he's got kids and grandkids, and I'm not ruin anyone's life. It doesn't change who I am. But are you like, what am I? So, yeah, what impact does this have? Because we've talked to some people today who have had this experience. And some of them are like, it doesn't matter. It's cool to know. And that's still my parent.

And I don't really care. Yeah, I went to a conference on it. They're called NPE non-parental event or a non-expected parent. And a lot of people are just crying, like, the mailman's my dad. And my mom lied my whole life. And it's my identity. And I'm like, no, it's not. You are who you are.

Your blood's blood. You know, I grew up with step-siblings, my kids have had a stepdad. I don't identify with who was in the room that night. I identify with who I turned out to be and the people that cared to stay in my life. I have great relationships with people that are blood and that aren't. Yes. I'm bummed. And I can see why my mom always had just this undercover.

I'm not so sure about her, get rid of her. She just didn't like me. I can't imagine, though, that she assumed the twins were from two different men, even though she had sex with two different people. There's no way. That would just not only spoil her, your dad. left and cheated. Not only did he do that, but you doubled down. You know, and to tear down a woman in early 70s, it's just like, what's the point? I told one of my sisters, the other Sibs don't know,

and she's like, you've got to tell her. And I'm like, no, I don't. I mean, the only reason I think to tell her is like, she is a medical marvel. History. Literally. I mean, there probably is just 50 cases this has ever happened. Yeah, I think that they said in just America, there's 12. And then the other countries, there's more, but you don't have a lot of documentation on this. How many twins both do it? You just assume one's DNAs the others. Wow. This is twisty and turning.

Growing up, though, did you think you and your twin had twin abilities? Well, they did share a mom. Right. And like we shared a room and we shared a lot of time together. And I always thought we had this special bond. Are you left-handed? No. My little boy is, though.

Maybe he'll be president. Sure. Overindex. What a story. Oh, my God. That's a barn burner. Thank you so much for sharing it. Yeah, you guys.

It was super fun. I did need to give a shout out to one of my friends, Rebecca. She actually used your story to ask about dyslexia, and she gives it to her students at the elementary school she teaches at, and she loves lots of loves you guys. She got me interested in you guys as podcast. Thank you, Rebecca. Yeah, that's lovely.

Shout out. Well, lovely meeting you. I'll be thinking about that one for a while. That one's going to stick. Yep. Have a great day. Take care. Feel better.

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Jake, where are you? I am in North Carolina. Oh, my God. This is crazy. Okay, we had a South Carolina, a North Carolina. Canada will throw that one out as an outlier. And then another North Carolina. You all are getting married down there.

Well, this did not happen in North Carolina. Oh, it didn't. Okay. We rescind that then. All right, yeah, tell us about it. Wait, are you wearing a Red Bull shirt? I am, yeah. Yeah, Max Verstappen's God.

That's right. I was an avid listener of F1 with D. Oh, I appreciate it. This is actually about my wedding and my wife's. So a little bit of background. We both grew up and still are Mormon, or LDS. Grew up going to nine hours of church a week or so. You did a mission? I did not. So I guess not the whole nine yards. Eight yards. Eight yards, but we met when we were in school, dated for a couple of years, decided we wanted to get married. We were both really excited. And we scheduled our wedding for the end of the summer so that we could lived together when the semester started and then we could do a little honeymoon. And we

structured our wedding day so that it was the temple in the morning at like 9 a.m. so that we could get the most amount of pictures outside because it was hot. And then we had a brunch with friends and family. And then we had like a three or four hour block and then our reception later in the day. Before the wedding, we had rented an Airbnb for the day of so that we could kind of hang out during that three or four hour block. And then after the fact, we could sleep there and then honeymoon was the next day. So the day of the wedding, I roll out of bed probably 8.15, 8.30, and I can get there on time. Wife's awake at 5 a.m. doing her hair and makeup with her friends and she's having a good time. No problems. You letter day saints are an

industrious bunch. Like waking up at 5 a.m. to get the hair makeup done. Oh, but that's wedding. Is that standard? I think that's wedding. Okay. That's too early. I mean, it was at 9 a.m. Yeah, it's at 9. It's only 4.5. It's only 4.5. It's only 4.5. Four hours. It's early. And all the bridesmaids have to get their makeup and hair. It's a whole thing. Okay.

Start of everything goes pretty well. Temple goes well. Pictures goes well. No issues there. Brunch is fine. And after brunch, like I said, we have our three or four hour little block. So we decide we're going to go hang out at the Airbnb for a little bit. And you were virgins.

Yes. Oh, my God. So I know exactly what I'm doing the second I leave Temple. We kind of talked about it the day before. We said, oh, should we bang right here in a couple hour block? And she was like, uh, we've waited so long. Let's just wait till later. And I'm like, no problem. But we get to the Airbnb. We're hanging out. We both change into like some sweats. And as we're changing, we kind of like opened the suitcase. And we both kind of make eye contact. And then we see the condoms in the suitcase. She says, should we just do it? And I said yes, of course. Yeah, as we did a long time ago. I said anything to get in her family. Of course. Things start progressing. And she says, yeah, we can do it. Just make sure my hair and makeup, make sure nothing gets messed up.

And I said, yeah, of course, 100%. Definitely. Yeah, I'm so good at this. I definitely know how to do this without doing that. Exactly what I'm doing. I'm not going to come in five seconds. But anyways, let's go. That's right.

Things start happening. First base, second base, third base. I don't even hardly last a second or third base over there. Sure, sure. And then it's time for the main event. And I'm like, okay, great, put a condom on, takes me a second. I've never done this before. Put some lube on.

puts the move on her, and we're like, okay, you ready? She's ready. We probably spend two to three minutes just trying to find the right angle that doesn't hurt. Yeah. Angle of approach is we saying off-roading? Bless her heart. I'm sure it's still hurt. And looking back on it, it definitely did not feel how it feels today.

Well, these are the first time experiences. This is what happens. Neither less knew any difference. So we were having a great time. You ended up in her butt. Is that what we're saying? No. Oh, I misinterpreted that.

It hurts the first time. Oh, okay, okay. I just heard a lot of lube and I didn't know the angle. No, no, no, no. I got a little confused. I'm so sorry. We're in the right hole. Okay, great, great.

And things start moving. And 20 to 25 seconds later, I'm approaching the finish line. By the way, real quick, she's also glad it's that fast. The first time it hurts. You just, like, wanted to be done. A couple thoughts runs through my head. I think, okay, I shouldn't finish inside. She's not on birth control, so I don't know if the condom's going to break.

So I think, okay, that's out. So I think, okay, I'll pull out and I'll finish on her stomach. Yeah, wonderful. It was romantic. Yeah. The thought of pulling out and finishing in the condom didn't even cross my brain. Right, right. I pull out, I whip off the condom.

And again, there's no communication with her at all. I blast off. When I say blast off, the amount that came out, I have never seen before Orson. Yeah, this is 23 years in the making. It was absurd. But the first blast hits the headboard. Probably a foot above her head.

This is a real Spider-Man situation. I'm like, okay, let's point it down a little bit. Second blast hits her directly in the face. Oh, no. And eyes, nose, mouth, hair. Third blast hits her in the neck and the hair. horse blast somehow was stronger hits her again in the face

and then all the subsequent blast hit her in like the stomach why are there so many blasts? It's 23 years. Yeah, you're right. And then in this 10 second span, a lot of things happen. I get like super dizzy and I lose hearing in my left ear

just the left and my wife, like I said, hit her in the face, mouth, nose. Some of it got in her mouth, and she can't really breathe. So she immediately starts gagging and retching. And I'm still out of it. She immediately starts throwing up on the bed.

Oh, fuck. And she's like stumbling around because some is in her eyes. She's trying to make it to the bathroom. She throws up on the bed in the hallway, on the floor of the bathroom, and finally makes it to the toilet. Were you guys like, this is why they told us not to do it? They're like, yeah, sex is horrible. Yes, no wonder.

We knew it was going to be bad. We didn't think it was going to be that bad. But when I come to, I kind of go in the bathroom and I try to console her. She's like crying, laughing, throwing up. I'm confused because I was out of it. I try to help her clean up as best as we can. And then we both kind of freak out because some of it like dripped down and got her in the lady area. The lady area.

So we're freaking out and we're like, oh, no, or she can. to get pregnant. So we dooredash like a plan B. And she takes that and spends the next three hours trying to fix her hair and makeup. It was a tough scene. Now, okay, so later that night, you want to do it to get a night back. Yeah. Yeah. But she doesn't. I don't think we did. I don't really remember. But what did happen after we got to the reception, she like cleaned everything up and she looked great. And one of her friends came up behind her and was, like, hey, you got something in your hair. And I was like, oh, shit.

And she had a big, dried thing of themen in her hair. No. Yeah, something about Mary. You have some gel in your hair, honey. Yeah, that's a classic. Really, the icing on the cake was that the plan B made her sick for like three days of our honeymoon. She was in a bad spot. But that's actually where we started listening to Armchair Anonymous.

Oh, no kidding. Wow, it really worked out for us, I guess. Yeah, there you go. How long ago was this? Three years. I imagine you guys have had lots of beautiful lovemaking now. Yeah, took us a second. We got it.

Throwing up. It was a set piece. In a comedy, I could have made five minutes out of that whole sequence easily. Great. I love it. The victim's here. Oh, yes. I love to see this poor Gail.

This is so cool. There's the victim. We had a marital staff who would tell this story better. I said I would tell it better because I was the victim. him, but he said, no, I'll tell it better. You need a first person view. But then he ended up submitting the story, so he got to tell him. Oh, well, he did a great job.

And he was specific about the amount of sprays. And that was all really important detail. Lack of communication. Yeah. You must have been thinking, this is terrible, right? Why do people do this? At first, I was like, it's got to get better, though, right? We started at rock bottom.

You can't go much lower. I was mostly just worried about the rest of the wedding day. I was crying. I was like, it's my wedding day and all my hair and makeup is messed up. Like, this is the worst. We should have just waited until after all the wedding festivities. Don't you think, though, a lot of the people at the wedding, they've been in your position. They've done this exact same thing.

We got some side eye as we were leaving the brunch. We're like, no, no, no, no, no. And then we showed up and everybody kind of make it make it feel it. They know. They know. There's something like, as disgusting as the story is, it's so whole. Wholesome. It's sweet. It's like very mixed messages. It's like so endearing yet it's disgusting. It's nasty. Yeah, I don't know that I've ever seen even in pornography, that volume and

in duration. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys. You're adorable couple. We're big fans. Oh, thank you. All right. We'll take you out. You too. From episode 887, first responders. Is this, Daphne? Hi, it is. You're in your closet. I tried to follow the rules. Are you allowed to tell us what state you're in?

I'm in Wisconsin. Oh, okay, great. Okay, so you have a first responder story. I do. So this was when I first started. It was within my first couple weeks working as an EMTE. So I was pretty green. Also, for a little bit of context, when you first start, at least at the company I worked at,

there's such a hierarchy. When you're new, you're doing all the work nobody wants to do. So all, like, cleaning, up the GI bleeds, picking up the heavy parts of the pay ship, changing diapers, like all the crazy stuff that people have been there longer don't want to do. That's entirely on you. Can I ask what led you to the job in the first place? I'm a little bit curious. Mine was a little bit untraditional. I actually majored in philosophy, but my college job, I was an outdoor trip leader. So I had to get a wilderness first responder certification and just

really fell in love with it. Oh, amazing. So after college, I tried a couple of jobs. and nothing really stuck, and I ended up going back to get my EMT because I just loved my first shirt so much. Are you a bit of an adrenaline junkie? I would say so. Working in emergency, you kind of have to be, but at the same time, it also tames it a little bit because you see all the crazy shit that can happen. Yeah. I'm like a moderate adrenaline junkie, I'd say. Are you watching the pit?

No, but I've heard it's good. You're going to love it. I'm pretty accurate. But that's like asking us if we watched a show about podcasting. Yeah, like only murderers in the building. yes, I have. Good point. Yeah, I mean, it's a great show. So the partner who I was paired up with, you could tell that he had one foot out of the door, was ready to retire and go to Boca and spend all his money gambling years ago. What is the average career expectancy? I don't feel like I see a lot of

older EMTs. I was told that their turnaround rate is like six months. Oh, so it's pretty quick. Also, the place where I worked, it was a lot of people. who they were starting as an EMT, but they wanted to go to med school or PA school or nursing school. This was kind of like the first step to get some experience. Gotcha. So we get a call and the call is super vague. It was just for a sick person. And that was also a red flag because usually the more vague the chief complaint is, the more unhinged is when you actually get there. Oh, interesting. We go to the apartment. The elevator going up is teeny tiny. Like it barely fits my partner and I and the stretcher in there.

We get all the way up, knock on the door, introduce ourselves, walk in. And immediately when I open the door, I'm hit with this wave of just a blinding smell. And a smell that I had never smelled before up until this point. Never smelt it. Oh, my God. And it smelled like a mix of hay, like from a horse, poop, sulfur. Oh. And burnt anything.

Okay. Interesting. Oh, hey. A horse trots out of the bedroom. I would have taken that over what happened. Oh, no. So all of a sudden, we see the patient, he stands up. He has a walker.

He's walking over. I could tell he's walking a little funny. Like his gate is a little off, but nothing too crazy. And he's wearing what I thought were black compression socks. And the lower part of his legs looked a little different from the rest of his body. But who am I to judge? Sure. Right.

Is he wearing shorts? Yeah, he's wearing, like, basketball shorts. And also, as he's walking over, the smell is getting stronger. And I hear this kind of squishing sound with each footstep. No, no. This is bringing me back to that bar in Canada. I know. Oh, wow.

Okay. Do you guys remember that one? Oh, my God. No one can listen to this. Okay. Okay. Squish, squish. Different colored legs.

He's squishing his way over. And then I go over to help him. I want to give him a hand. When I get over, I look down and I realize, oh, those aren't compression socks. That's completely necrotic tissue from the knee down. His legs are dead. Oh, they're gone. Oh.

And that squishing sound was them sloughing off with each stuff, like tissue coming off. No, no, stop. Oh, my fucking. This is like as close as you. get to discovering a zombie. The top 75% of his body was a normal average joke. The bottom half was some shit out of the walking dead. Okay, I have to be honest.

I thought it was going to be that he cut off his legs and he put horse legs on it. Oh, Monica, that's a very... Because the hay. And then there's a horse in his bedroom with the human legs. Did you just swap him? It was a transplant. He wanted to become a centaur. He was a little mentally ill.

So his fucking foot is falling apart as he was. walks. Yes. It looked like a mudslide. Every shade of yellow, red, brown that you can imagine. How old were you at this point? 21. No, you're too young to have seen something like that. I keep my cool. I'm not here to judge anybody. I'm just here to get you to the hospital safely. So I take him to the stretcher and my partner looks me and he's like, I'm not touching that. And I was like, okay, I'm not surprised. So I help him into the stretcher and he obviously needs help getting his lower half up. I'm trying to think of the most gentle way to go about this. You know, I don't want to cause any more damage. So I go down by his ankles and lift his legs up. And as I do, I feel my fingers squish into

him. It felt like jam. No. Jam. Why? Of course, preserves. Is there bone? The bone's not out yet, but it doesn't look like it's that far away. So we get back to the elevator. My partner doesn't get into the elevator. He's like, I'm taking the next one. You got this chance. This guy sucks. This guy sucks.

A fucking 21-year-old girl. I know. He's like deal with it. I'm in Boca. I'm already in Boca. Yeah. So I'm squished between him and the elevator wall. Can I ask what his demeanor is?

Because I have a story very similar to this from an ER doctor, I know, who had someone get brought in that was a shut in. And they had a lot of necrotic flesh. And I don't think they knew they were kind of just embarrassed. Like, what was his vibe? He was in a great mood. He was chattended up with me. I'm trying to banter with him a little bit.

But it's so thick and literally blinding. Like, I was having a hard time opening my eye. Oh, my God. Did he acknowledge that his legs were dead? Verbatim. He said, oh, it's just a little leg pain. No big deal. Wow.

We get into the ambulance. It's a hot summer day. And also this ambulance has no air conditioning, no ventilation, nothing. And my partner, of course, has me sit in the back with him and closes the only window between the front and the back. Oh, boy. I'm trying to bandage this up, trying to do anything to make. make him more comfortable, but it's just soaking through. Nothing's working.

He needs extensive wound care. We just need to get on the road and get him to a hospital. And of course, he wants the one that's the farthest away from where we are. And in the ambulance ride over, ambulances have no suspension at all. And we're going on the highway. And this is oozing. The amount of liquid that's coming out was insane. So I'm just being jostled around.

It's splashing everywhere. Like, it felt like being at a water park That I did not sign up for Oh my God And can you wear a hazmat suit? Looking back, I probably should have But at that point, I don't think I even knew Where those were in the ambulance.

You might have been a little disassociated Like, let's just get through this. Yeah, it's just every body fluid you can imagine Plus chunks of tissue. Don't say chunks. I'm trying all the tricks for the smell to At that point, the smell is the least of it But I was sticking alcohol pads in my mask and rubbing hands sanitizer on the outside.

Just trying to do anything while also still trying to be discreet because I'm not trying to make this guy feel bad about himself. He's already going through it. I'm just like, okay, this is my life for the next hour. I would have said, no, you're going to the one down the road. I wish we could. But I think at that point, it technically would have been like medical kidnapping or something crazy like that.

I feel like take them where they don't want to go. Okay. So we get to the hospital finally and we roll him in and we're doing the handoff report. to the nurses. We're talking to them. My partner finally comes in, like puffing his chest, giving a report, like he did everything. As he's giving report, I noticed he's starting to pause between words. And then his face is starting to get really red. And then he starts going, he runs into the hallway and vomits everywhere and completely misses the trash bag. Oh my god. This guy is a bozo. We do the handoff. That's done. I walk into the hallway. There's vomit. There's

And there's tracks from the wheels of our stretcher, like bits of leg and blood and this is like saw or something. Wow. Do you ever get any follow up on what happens to these people? Like, do you see the ER people a month later and go like, what happened? Yeah. I didn't do that with this guy. I have, however, seen patients in the wild before after I've taken care of them.

And that's always crazy. Do you say hi? You don't say hi. I don't say hi, but there was this one guy who had his throat slit and he didn't want to go to the hospital. And he was bleeding out of his eyes, ears, nose. And I was like, you have to go. But he refused. And he was his own person mentally.

So there's nothing you can do. And I saw him biking like three weeks later. Oh, so he made the right call. Wow. Wow. That's good. They call that AMA against medical advice. You learn that up to hit.

Yeah. Yeah, you have to sign a form. It's very official. but I spent the next three hours cleaning out the hallway. You had to clean it. I wasn't going to leave it. You're a good person. Oh, you're an angel.

What about the puke? Did Homeboy clean up his own puke? Yes. And then with the ambulance, there was no equipment or anything for me to use. So I was just wiping that up with paper towel, disinfectant wipes. Yeah, you got to call dispatch and go like, hey, we need about an hour to clean up. We need to blow up this ambulance. And we need to fire Mike and send him to fucking Boka.

I can't believe. you didn't quit your job after that. I came close. I thought about it, but you kind of know what you're getting into. I mean, do you? I can't imagine you think like, I'm going to show up and someone's legs are going to be falling off real time. That's really out of a... Someone will have cut off their legs

and put horse legs on it. Right, a horse transplant. Who could be ready for that? I wouldn't put it past somebody. Our last question, because when we interviewed nurses, they all have a foreign body and rectum story. Did you respond to any of those? Yes. Oh, wow.

two-for. I've seen a wine bottle. Okay. Wow. With the cork or without. I don't know because I didn't take it out. Okay. Yeah. It's got to be empty, I would guess. There's three options. There's a wine bottle corked. There's an empty wine bottle and there's a wine bottle. They're like, you drank some and then you put the stopper in. That seems craziest to me because the fluid could pop up. Yeah. Maybe that's what they like. Yeah, it's kind of a two-for-one deal. Maybe they put a champagne bottle in there. Then you pop the cork and it explodes right. That sounds divine full. I haven't seen that yet.

But someone did have a wine bottle and you put them face down on the stretcher, I guess. We had them on their side, face down technically is like a airway issue. Did they make any explanation as to what had happened or no? Just I need to go to the hospital. I feel like people either really overcompensate for it and try to say like, I was cleaning and I tripped and I fell. There's a Cedarist story about the people say they tripped and fell. And he's like, I'm so clumsy. I've fallen down naked many times, never stood up and there was a candle in my ass.

Not one. What's the second version? They're just silent because they know that you know. That's best. Are you done with that line of work? No. So I'm still doing it now. So I work in an emergency room.

And I started nursing school this fall. Oh, great. I can't wait for you to watch the pit. You're going to love it. Well, Davy, this was so great. This is among the very worst stories we've heard. What an accomplishment. I'm so glad.

Well, thank you so much for your time and for having me. Can I give a quick shout-out? Yes. Of course. We love shout-outs. I also shout-out Caroline, Tate, and Emily. My three favorite people, I love them so much. And to you guys, I just want to say that sometimes when you work in this field, the drive home can be kind of tough.

If you have a bad day, that's kind of when you start, like, reflecting and things can feel a little heavy. So whenever that happens, I always put on armchair. It makes you feel so much better. So I just want to thank you guys for bringing some levity to that. I can't take that in knowing what you've done for the world. I'm going to take it. I'm choosing today to take it my self-esteem is good. Wow.

And I'm going to go, all right. That's great. Well, thank you. This is a real barn burner, as we say. High watermark for Armchair Anonymous. Nice meeting you. Have a great day. Likewise.

Bye. From episode 939, Subway. Hello. Hi. Tess, your hair is beautiful. Thank you so much. I posted a selfie today that I was having a really good hair day. So I'm glad that you guys get to see it.

Is the humidity right where you're at or what's causing the great hair day? Curls, you don't really ever know what's going to happen. I took a nap right after I washed it today. So maybe that is why. When my hair was long, that was my move, is to go to bed with my hair just a little damp. And I'd wake up and have all kinds of body. I love that. Very fun to have a playful hair day.

It is. Where are you at, Tess? I'm currently in Paris. Oh. I know. I was on a little trip with my mom. My friend lives here and is out of town and offered her apartment for me to watch her cat for 10 days. Oh, wonderful.

How fun. I live in Brooklyn, though. Okay, so did the subway story occur on this trip? It just occurred in my normal life. Right. In Brooklyn? In Manhattan. So I lived in New York for seven years.

So I feel like I know the rules, the social mores of subway life. I had to run into the office two years ago on a Friday because I'd forgotten a pair of very expensive shoes there that I needed to return. Like I'd brought them the day before because they had to be returned at FedEx and I forgot to return them. So I was working from home and I had to go into the office. I was already like kind of annoyed. It was in New York late.

October day where I was ready to stunt in my fall outfit. So I was wearing a really cute pair of black cargo wide leg jeans, the brand Aigold, but I had rented them from this rental clothing subscription called Newly. Oh, yeah. So you can rent like six pieces of clothes a month from a bunch of different brands. I was stunting in those. Stunting is a new. I don't know that. But you do. You can figure it out. It's like floss and looking good, strutton. Yes. I can use context, but I'm just saying that this is new. I've never heard or used that. I want to use it. You're going to be very cool when you use it later. Or maybe I'm going to be embarrassed for all my Gen Z cousins. Just saw her Saturday at a birthday party and she was full stunt. I'm birthing space

for stunting. Great. Really good. So I was wearing a sweater vest. I felt very cute. It was unfortunately not a weather appropriate outfit. I was sweaty on top of like running around trying to find a store. It was just an all around bad afternoon. I finally found somewhere who returned the shoes and instead of walking a little further to the 14th Street Union Square subway station, I hopped on at like 28th Street just so I could like connect with these very noise cancelling headphones on. I was listening to 1989 Taylor's version. It just came out. The errand was done. I had a Halloween party that night. Things are turning around. So I go down the stairs. I hop on the W train, which if you are familiar with New York, it goes basically to

Queens and then to South Brooklyn. I don't live in South Brooklyn. I live in Central Brooklyn. It's on a train that I'm ever on. The only reason I was on it was so that I could switch to the queue, which is my train. So I hop on the train. Everything's happy. The train is pretty full. And I sit down. I realize immediately that I had sat in a human pile of shit. No, no. In your eight Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. That are rented. Now, really quick, you could tell because you sat down and all of a sudden it was soft. You're expecting that hard plastic.

Did it make a sound? I don't know, because I had my headphones on. It just felt wet on my ass. My stomach just dropped. I was like, oh, my fucking God. Like, what did I just do? And so I stand up and I whip my headphones off. And I, like, look around the people around me because there are people on the train.

is one of those social mores. We're like, if there's shit on a train, it's empty. It's not uncommon to find shit on a New York City subway. Oh, you're saying generally the move is when there's a dump in a train car. Everyone just goes to another car and the whole car is empty, not that seat. Because I would say that's savage. If the rule in New York is simply, everyone stays, but you just don't sit in that seat. Every New Yorker I've told this to has been like, I can't believe people are on that train car. Like, it's just not what you do. There's a man sitting directly across from the shit. It's like a corner seat. He's sitting directly across it. So I whip my headphones off and I look at him and I'm like, why didn't you tell me? Oh, wow. Yeah. And he was like,

I'm sorry. And then another person whispered at me. He was like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, that doesn't help me. I'm like pointing at my shit. I hate to do this to you, but when you stood up and you turned around to confirm that it was shit, what kind of shit are we talking about? Was it a soft serve? I anticipated you asking this. It was a puddle of soupy brown shit. Oh, it was diarrhea. It was honest. Wow. Fuck. So when you said it, it's probably splash. How much? A big amount. Let's put it this way. No one ever has to like, oh, I got a diarrhea a tiny bit. If you got a shit in public, like you were holding it and you got a lot of diarrhea, right? No one's ever done like a symbol of. It was not a shark. It was a full of you back. Almost as if

they pulled their pants down and did it. They did? Of course. You can't leave a puddle of shit through your I hopped off at the next stop because I just was overwhelmed and I was crying, but I was also laughing because it was just like an overwhelmingly hilarious and disgusting situation. It's so intense. Two girls and like really cute clothes come to get on my train and I go, do not get on this train. Yes, good. There is shit on this train. I go into the, that stibule area and I'm sobbing and crying.

I try to call a friend who lives close so like maybe she could bring me clothes. I'm just trying to figure like how to get home. I'm still really far from home. Do you have any additional garments like, do you have anything that you can take off and tie her on your waist? No, because I was wearing like a cute, short sleeve white T-shirts where I like what Monica's wearing and then a white, creamy sweater vest. Oh, my God, it's so cute. Why can't you take the sweater vest off? There were no sleeves.

I couldn't tie it. That was like my head. And I didn't want to ruin it. I liked. Yeah, of course. You already fucked up this one. Yeah, exactly. Also, did you consider calling 911?

What? That's a great question. help I should have help me please I guarantee you in the annals of 911 recorded calls there are people calling and even if they shit themselves maybe even

I don't know what to do please come I'm sorry so that's sort of what I called my mom who lives in St. Louis Missouri still I called her and I was like what do I do? She couldn't hear me because I was crying and laughing and the trains are coming through and she just texted me like go to a store

So I ran out the stairs. I'm on Fifth Ave, which is one of the most iconic shopping streets in the world. I'm running through Fifth Ave with my hands in the air because I sat in shit and I'm screaming to people. Like a crazy person, I'm like, I sat at show. Oh, my God. Do you think people thought you were on drugs? Probably, yeah. Because, like, you had shit, you're screaming.

I think people were like, that's her shit. Exactly. I know. And I was really trying really hard to, like, point and be like, there's no way that this could be my shit. Like, look where it's at. It's on the outset of my jeans. One time you told me a story that you saw someone with shit all over their pants. At the CVS, but it had bled through.

It wasn't like chunks on the outside. It was workout pants and it had bled through. You can tell it bled. Yeah. Sorry. I have one more question you're not going to like, but we've avoided this thus far. Were you smelling it? Yes.

Yeah. Oh, no. That's another reason why I'm like, I'm just so surprised with the people on the train because they were sitting with a smelly pile of shit. At this point, can you feel it on your body? Are you like, it's soaked into my butt? Yes, I was feeling damp. So a long time ago, I used to work at Lula Lemon, the athletic clothing brand.

And when I hopped out of the subway, I saw the like stylized Omega sign. I was like, oh, my God, I know the girls that Lula Lemon are going to help. Those people have dealt with a lot. I used to deal with a lot. So I run in and I like run straight to the day. nearest, we call them educators at Lou Lemon. They're not. So she has, they're educators. And I'm waving at her and she is with a customer and she like looks at me like, oh, what the fuck is going on? And she goes, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I just signed shit on the subway. Like,

I need new pants right now. And so she sends me over to the pant wall. So I go to the pants wall and like, give me a size six and any black lady. Don't care. Give it to me now. I try to get a dressing room and like every dressing room's full and I'm still freaking out. And I'm like, I sat in shit. I need to change right now. And another customer is like, would you like to sit down so you can calm down? I'm like, no, I don't want to sit.

Do you see what's on my person? Like, no. So I finally change into the leggings ever so delicately if I don't get any of the shit onto my body. They gave me a little lemon bag. I could put it in the bag. And then I go to check out with the security tag still on me. I had to like jump up onto the counter

so they could remove the security tag. The very kind people at the Flatiron Blue Lemon did give me a 75% off. They called it the Euda sat in Human Shit Discount. Oh, wow. That's nice. The educators are nice. Yeah, it's a good company. They were really nice.

And then I took my bag of shit jeans. And as you remember, I rented these jeans. And I could have just throw them away because if I had thrown them away, I'd be charged like $220. They're an expensive brand. So I just, like, had my shit jeans and my new leggings. My outfit was no longer cute because it looked dumb. I was wearing leggings for the cute sweater vest. And I went home.

I grabbed my laundry detergent. I went to my laundromat. I threw my shit jeans into the laundromat with some laundry detergent. I sat there. And then I returned them the next day. I was like, I have to get those out of my house. So somebody else is currently wearing them. Previously.

Now, did you consider just reaching out to newly and say, like, hey, this is what happened? we got to throw these things. Is that what you would have done? I think so. I would have done what you did. Yeah. How long ago was that? That was October 28th, 2020.

I'll never forget the date. I didn't like sit down on the subway for months after. I got a lot of shame for not looking before I sat. When music's so powerful and enveloping, one has to remind themselves to still look around. That's really true. Cautionary tale yet again. So many lessons were learned on this subway episode. Thanks so much for sharing that.

Thank you so much. It's so good to meet you. Bye, bye, bye. From episode 9, 10, foreign object in butt. Ding, ding, ding. Oh, hello. We're going by Toby. Yeah.

Are you in the medical profession? Yeah, I've been an emerged doc for over 20 years. Did you watch The Pit? I've watched one episode. Okay, and you didn't like it. No, it was good. It's just that. We watched it with the family, and then the kids didn't want to continue watching it.

It was going to be something I was going to kind of pursue on my own. Okay, because it's like dad's work. We don't want to watch that. It was pretty realistic, though. Okay, so Toby, please tell us about your foreign object story. This was a few years ago. I was working in our kind of low acuity area as like minor injuries. And my next patient to be seen on the tracker, it says no chief complaint.

That means that they weren't really up front with the nurses at triage. And you know something is weird. What percentage of people who come in under that description do have something in them? 100%. Maybe not 100%, but I definitely walked into the room knowing there's a significant chance that this dude had something in one of his holes. Middle-aged guy, he looks healthy, definitely a bit haggard from the night before, but he's this intense dude and he's just really locked in on me. He went all out, a whole lot of cocaine. And then in his words, a bunch of hookers.

Oh, wow. Okay. A bunch, boy. That's definitely more than three. I didn't pin him down on the numbers. He said at some point in the night, things got carried away, and I ended up with something in my ass. He's not sure exactly what it was or he wasn't willing to divulge, but he knows just something there, and he can't get it out, and he wants it out. So when you're not sure exactly what's going on, you need to get some imaging first.

You don't want to just do an internal exam without knowing what's going on. Like sometimes you'll find things like broken glass, needles, even things like razor blades. So we do an x-ray and it shows a 12-ounce beverage can in his rectum. No perforation, no obstruction. So bring them back and then we start talking to them about removing it. How difficult or how hard do you think it is to remove something from someone's ass? You're the second person we've spoken to. And my first question was like, what do you use like a speculum?

Do you use what you would use in a pap smears? Do you open, then you put tongs in and pull it out? What do you do? It's a tough procedure. You've got this like ergonomic challenge in the sense that you've got this really small space that you're working in. And then access to that space is by even a smaller, tighter hole that's super, innervated and goes into spasm really easily. And then the actual object itself is big and slippery.

And it's like when you drop your cell phone down the side of your car seat, you can jam your hand, like deep down there and you can actually touch it, but you can't pick it up. And it's just super frustrating. Okay, really quick, Toby, I just had what my idea would be. And I don't even know if it would be possible. But I think the move would be to somehow sink a wood screw into the bottom of the can and then pull that out.

There are some case reports of people doing things with that with bottles and stuff. They have a bottle with the open end facing down, and then they'll put like a catheter into the bottle and then fill the bottle with cement and then like let it harden and then pull it out. That's kind of the extreme stuff. But essentially the first step is something called anal dilation. What you need to do is you need to gradually stretch out the anus so you can get as much of your hand in there as possible to remove the object. Essentially, we're medically fisting them. Right.

So you go one finger, two fingers. three finger and then full kit cat and then thumb and then and then chest and pass to your wrist. Once you have gotten the fist past the sphincter, when you're actually in the intestine, is it then easy to open your hand? Is that really, really elastic? Just with the object there, you're definitely working in a confined space. It's not this like infinite space that you can just like act freely in there. When you do each finger individually, your anus is getting used to it, basically. Yeah, just slowly stretching it out. The vast majority of these people, though, they need to be steeply sedated. It's super innervated and it just hurts too much. Anybody with something big,

like a first timer, they're getting sedated. Oh my God. How many people are not first timers? Well, look, if you like things in your butt, you like things in your butt. It's not like one trip to the emergency room shuts that down. I work in an academic center, a teaching center. We have emergency medicine residence. So the person doing the procedure was my resident and she was perfect for it, right? She's eager, competent. And then most importantly, she's got thin wrists and strong hands. Because I work with some old dudes that have like big meat hooks. Oh, they'd wreck his o'erang. So we do the sedation and she's able to get her whole fist in there. And then she gets her hand on the can and starts pulling. And she can't get it out. It's too stuck. You can get a suction

that develops because the walls of the rectum just are completely covering the outside of the can. And then the proximal colon just collapses. And it's like a finger trap. Right? When you pull on this thing. Yeah, you need to inflate it? We considered the other options we have. Like, we can use instruments like you talked about. So there's obstetrical instruments, vacuum extractors. You can sometimes try to pass a catheter to the level of the object or past it and then inflate air, pass it to try to break the suction.

I've seen that once and it's super gross and it didn't work. Just like constant shit mist coming out. Oh, wow. Wow, wow. It's just a continuous fart. Oh, my God. You were on the front line, my friend. You can also try to push down on the interior of their lower abdomen

to get it down to where the other person can kind of grab it better. So we considered the options, and then I was just talking to the resident, and I said, which way is the can facing? And she said, top of the can's facing down. Yes. And I said, can you feel the tab. And she's, yeah, I can feel the tab. So I said, I think we should open it in his ass.

Yes. So she goes in there, we open it up, and it's just this river of colophone, blood. than micro turds. That's a medical term, by the way, micro turds. You truly can't see them. But it lasted forever. And so we're just sitting there waiting

and just pouring onto the bed and the floor. Finally stops. She goes in there, crush the can. And with crushing the can, she broke the suction and she's able to get really good mechanical purchase on it. Pull it down to the level of the anus.

Once you're at the anus, you've got to get the rim over the can. And once you pop that out, it's out. So it pops out and it's a can of Coke zero. Oh, okay. This is consistent. We've heard it's always diet soda. I love that detail.

Like, I love the idea of the guy, party planning the day before going like, yeah, I got the cocaine, get the hookers. And then like his idea of harm reduction was getting diet soda. Exactly. Like, let's keep it healthy. Keep it in homeostasis. Wow. He wakes up and he's feeling fine. I offer him some follow up, see a surgeon, just to make sure there's no kind of long-lasting injury.

He declines it. thanks us, just head held high, turns on his heel and just leaves the department. These are obviously embarrassing things, but at the same time, I really respected the dude, right? Because he partied with true commitment, left everything on the field, accepted the consequences, and then was grateful, all the respect to you. Yes, that's what I was going to say. So our previous guest, I have like a weird feeling about that person. She has a bad feeling about it.

But I don't actually about this guy. Right. I think because he came in, he was like, look, I did all this. I'm naughty. I partied, and this is what happened. It's like a full acknowledgement. That makes it better. 100%.

He didn't hurt anybody. He didn't put anybody else at risk. He was just pushing the edge of the envelope. I just want to say how stimulating and gratifying it is to hear you speak. You have such a great vocabulary. There's such precision in the way you speak. And also you're talking about shit and coke, sprained out. Yeah.

It's real mixed messages in our favorite way. That's really kind of you. It's okay if I give two shoutouts. Of course. So number one, it's two Heather. She's a doc I work with. She's a huge fan of armchair expert, and she's the one that forwarded me this prompt. Thank her on our behalf.

Probably one of the best colleagues you could ever imagine. The other big shoutouts to my actually emerge group, all the people I work with. It's a really challenging environment. And where we work, it's extra challenging right now. All the people I work with are just so committed to each other, the community, our department. I'm just so grateful to be able to work with such a committed, selfless group of people. That's awesome. Those are great shoutouts.

Yeah. Well, Toby, it's a delight to meet. Have a great day. Thank you. Enjoy your summer. Now do you think the first guy is weird? I don't, but that's okay. I understand.

It's funny because your fear is that the first guy was massagenistic. No, creepy. Oh, okay. There's a creepiness to that story that this one doesn't have. Right, right, right. Technically, it's the same thing. It's not. The second guy sounds really fun.

I'll tell you that. I don't know if I'll be able to unhear micro turds. From episode 9-10, foreign object in butt. Kim? Dax and Monica? Hi. Where are you? We're just going to say that I'm in Vermont, in my closet.

Great. By the way, just thanks for joining us for foreign objects. I don't think I've been this excited about a prompt in a very long time. This is a big deal. So actually, my neighbor and I listen to you guys a lot. She's the best. I had been kind of M. IA. And she sent me the prompt. She was like, it's go time. This is your time to shine. And we had two stories that we could have potentially shared. So I sent out a Google poll. This is the one that won. So I'm so excited. Wow. And I'm also jealous to have two that are so good you had to do a poll. What a life you're living. Are you in the medical industry?

I am in the medical industry for about 15 years. I am a nurse practitioner. So I was a nurse for a couple of years. Then I went on, got a degree, and now I'm an NP, which is, we're not supposed to say it, but like a mid-level provider. Meaning somewhere between entry-level nurse and doctor? Yeah. So I can actually write prescriptions, do procedures. Oh.

I can practice independently. MP's a cool gig. I did the same amount of time as going to med school, but just not as. in-depth training as like a doctor. I work alongside them. Yeah. Okay, so hit us with this foreign object story. I got a call to come down to the emergency room. There was a patient there that was constipated, which is kind of in the wheelhouse of the department I work for. I walk into the room and the guy's kind of pacing, not feeling well. And so I sit down, I have a colleague with me and we start doing the basic exam, like tell me about your diet, when was the last time you went?

It's been over a week. And then you kind of have to ease into this subject a little bit and be like, So just tell me, could there be something lodged in there preventing you from going to the bathroom? As you're hearing someone's constipated for a week, do you go through a most likely scenario? So for me, have I heard that my first thoughts would be you're on opiates. That's on the differential list for that, of course. After working in this field for so long, I'm instantly like, what'd you put up there, bud? Wow. It's that common.

Diet soda is very common, but this one was out of left field. Oh, diet soda bottles, you mean? Or diet soda causes constipation? Diet soda cans That's like the most common thing So instantly I'm like You probably have a diet soda shove it Okay hold on

There's so much here Because what a revelation And why diet? Diet Dr. Pepper Wait specifically Diet Dr. Pepper Number one soda up the poop Shoot Is it possible?

Not at all. No objects in my prison wallet. Got it man? We're going to move forward with the exam So I'm like I'm just going to take a look Make sure there's not like a tumor or anything blocking anything

We're just going to do a gentle rectal exam So he gets up on the table puts his feet up, and my partner and I go to do just a rectal exam. And staring back at me are two of the most perfect doll feet ever. Monica, you grew up in like the 80s, 90s, so you know what Barbie's feet look like. Of course, they're so specific. You've seen Barbie feet. They're just so perfect.

So these two little beautiful feet are just staring back at us. Ew, no. I said, are you sure there's not an object? shoved up there. He's like, I didn't put it up there. Somebody might have, but I didn't put it up there. Sure. Who's to know what? Who did what? Yeah. So I'm like, maybe I can get them out. So I go to pull just gently on these two little perfect feet. It's tight. It's not coming out of there. The arms are acting as a fish barb. Also, a Barbie is tallish to like have all the way up your butt so that's just the tiny feet. Yeah, she's got to be what, 10 inches tall? Probably. And she has

hair. Of all the things you don't want the hair in your body. I kind of relate. Yeah. We go to CT scan and sure enough on CT you see like the perfect. I wish I could show it to you. It's just like the most perfect image of Barbie. No. What an amazing thing to see on a scan. Yeah, I'll be honest. Did you take a picture of it?

No, I didn't because some people had just gotten in a lot of trouble for the other item that was up somebody's butt. And so I was like, I can't have this on my phone. So anyways, Barbie is now stuck because you hit the nail on the head, Dax. Her little arms are getting stuck because he put her arms down as he shoved her up in. head first. And so anytime we try to pull her little arms aren't forgiving or letting her out, can her arms go all the way up like this? Yeah, they go over her head. They can, but you'd have to put her in like that. He didn't think about it. Well, he didn't put her up there. So we're going to have to go to the OR. This is the only way we're going to be able to get Barbie out. So we go into

the operating room and her little hands have caused a hole because he's obviously been like tugging on her at home. So he gets a colostomy, all these things. But the best, absolute, most perfect moment is we're in the operating room, we take this Barbie out. And it's not just Barbie. It's not Barbie in a swimsuit. It's President Barbie. He desecrated the most powerful woman in the free world and put it up his rear end. So then the jokes start flowing. The misogyny. You want to be president? You can be president of my ass. She'll do anything for a vote. Was she white? Of course she was. We said president. I know. I mean, a woman president already. Yeah, and then black woman, probably get real.

Although, Michelle would have definitely been the shoe in, yeah. Let's not bring her into this story. We'll just see what had definitely been who could have won. My God. Okay, when you came back to him and you said, so we'd done an x-ray, I'm sorry to tell you there's some, like, how does he handle this information? He goes, yeah, there might be an object up there. But never said her name, never admitted that it was president, bar. I kind of understand his approach, which is you say to yourself, I got to go get this removed.

And I'm not going to fucking talk to them. You take it out. I'm not going to engage at all. I'm just going to get through this. Why do you think you have that privilege if you are putting? Because you're so humiliated that you know that talking about it is going to be too much. So you just say to yourself, I'm going to go and I'm going to disassociate. I think you should have to get on a loudspeaker and tell the whole hospital what you've done.

They shouldn't feel shame for this. Yes, the president lady. Okay, that aspect. He likes women of power. I guess maybe it could be like he wants a relationship with the female president. He's attracted to a powerful woman. Vermont's pretty progressive. But maybe he was for Bernie and then so he's mad.

He's mad at Hillary. It's Hillary. She's representing. Or Kamala. We don't know what year this was. It was in the Hillary time frame. Oh. I don't think it was political.

completely motivated. I think it was just something that he thought would feel good in his butt. Now, was this his daughter? Like, where'd he? So many questions. Now, isn't this something? I'm more disturbed about him potentially having gone to the store and buying a Barbie than I am about him putting anything in his butt. Yeah, that part's like pedophile or if it's his kids. That part's very bad. President Barbie felt pretty intentional. That feels like I went to the store. I went on Amazon. I ordered her up. Let me ask you this, though, the clothes were on her. You only know she's the president by her outfit. Pink power suit. And then later, the vote for Barbie pin came out of the ostomie. Wait, wait. Back up. Tell me what the ostomies. Ostomies is this little blip of your

intestinal tract that we pull outside of your body to rest your intestine. All your poop comes out into a bag out this little, what we call stoma. You have to wait when you have an ostomie for poop to start back up before you to get released from the hospital. And so the nurse, I should show up to discharge him, and she's like, Kim, the vote for Barbie pin came out in the bag. Oh, my God. So there was no denying it was President Barbie. She was in power. She was going for the campaign.

It was there. Yeah. What is the procedure to remove it? Do you put in like a speculum and spread his intestine apart to pull it out? What happens? There's like a little rerouting and then it's kind of like squishing sausage casing. Wow. I'm really mad at it.

Why are you so mad? Max, this is an episode. active violence against women. I think it was just there. He was probably inebriated. It was not just there. You think this was a political statement? Well, he picked this Barbie.

And the question is, did he pick it because it was close or this premeditated? I'm going to get a president Barbie and humiliate her. Either way. It's that or if it was just there, we assume he used his kid's toy. They could have been long out of the house, though. How old is this guy isish? He was 50s. The last kicker is this is where you can kind of evaluate where you're headed with your hypotheses.

So he's healthy. He's fine. He's going home. I'm discharging him, right? I'm going, okay, we're going to see you back in clinic this day. We'll talk about reversing the ostomy this day. And he's like, I just have one more question. Can I have the object you took out of me back? Because he had to return it. No. No. Ew, can you imagine? Oh, my God. What a story. Oh, wow, a Barbie. I mean, honestly, there's very few objects I can think of being more uncomfortable in your butt than the plastic Barbie with all the appendages. I know. What happened to her shoes?

She was probably wearing high heels. He probably threw those right off of her. She didn't deserve them. The heels were the first to go, probably, because you know it completed the power suit. Wow. This is great. It is great. It's really interesting to hear how you guys are taking it.

I'm nervous for shaming him. I think it's fine, you know, if you do this. I always was like, oh, he really likes women of power, but you're saying, this is a misogynistic thing. He likes to desecrate powerful women. And now all of a sudden, I am giving it. No, don't let her persuade you. There's no misogyny happening. Hey, hey, hey, you can't say that definitively. You're right. I can't. I don't like that the doctors and the nurses have to deal with it.

I don't mind because you're like, this is what I want to do. Oh, yeah. I've done it for 15 years. I don't feel bad for firefighters when a house catches on fire. It's like, that's what they do. I get it actually more mad when it's like Diet Dr. Pepper. And I'm like, man, come on. show some creativity. Well, lovely meeting you. Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. It was so good meeting you.

Shout out to brother, Luke and Kent, and Susan, the neighbor who put me up to this. Wonderful. Take care. From episode 845 on authorized evacuation. Hello. Jonathan. Are you standing on a box?

Are you 6'8? You're close. I'm just north of 6'9. Holy smokes. Congratulations. You're above the doorframe. Thank you. Worked on it my whole life. That's very exciting. How many years did it take you to hit 6'9?

Probably 23, but I'm 33 now. And did you make use of this height? Did you do anything that lent itself? Did you play basketball or anything? I play basketball a little bit, and then I stopped playing, and then I lost everything. So no. Wait, what do you mean you lost everything? The skills. Oh, your skills.

I tried to play basketball right now and tried to jump. I'm pretty sure my knees are. just evaporate. I'm excited to see how your height's going to impact the evacuation. Oh, that's a great point. Yeah, it kind of raises the stakes. It will. It played an adjacent role.

Okay, great. Walk us through this unfortunate and fortunate event. So it took place in 2010, 2011. I was a sophomore junior in college. That college is UMass Amherst. I live in Massachusetts. And so one thing that school is known for is it's really big. There's a lot of people that go there.

And another thing is it's dining food is really good. It's like number one, number two in the country, at least when I was there. Really? I was a student employee there. I worked at the largest dining common on the campus. And I worked at the sushi station, which sounds pretty bougie. But the student employees would roll sushi. And then I also worked, I think it was called Teppaniaki.

It's like a big flat top grill with thick noodles. And I would just throw the noodles on, throw the veggies on. There's a spicy paste called, I think it's like Gochu Jang, probably saying that wrong. Yeah, that's correct. It's like a red taste. Really good. And so I would make up a lot of that and then parcel it into just individual dishes and put them out and then students would come and grab them. Jonathan, can I just, I know you probably get so sick of talking about your height.

But what I'm immediately concerned about is that grill top was probably built for someone that was 5'9. I imagine cooking on that grill was probably terrible on your back. Your back kill when you would have shifts? The first issue I faced was the fan hood overhead. Oh, that would like take the exhaust. It would have a nice sharp corner on like the edge. excess of it. And my freshman year took a nice head shot off that. And then from there was very aware of its surrounding. Yeah, you need to walk around with the helmet. Other reasons, too.

But yeah, for sure. I'm not really. Okay. I just got worried about you. Okay, so you're popping noodles on this grill top. So my shift is always a dinner shift. It was like four to nine. And about half hour running my shift, I'd take my dinner. Usually, if I was working there, I'd make a big old plate of that noodles. Load up on the gocha jane because I liked it. Go eat. Come back to work, clean up and then head back to my dorm and usually full disclosure by time i got back to my dorm that's about time when the spice would make its way through and off i go clockwork so this night had my dinner went back to work and then was cleaning up and started to feel some grumblins inside and i thought we're okay we can finish up the shift and head home and clean up a little bit more and then we thought

okay let's just be smart here let's be proactive let's go find the bathroom and head out it was the end of the night. So a lot of students were leaving. It was closing. The bathroom was occupied near the front of the building. It said that that's fine. We have an employee bathroom down opposite end of the whole building. So I head downstairs, employee entrance side. There's the laundry room. There's the freezers where all the food's kept. Hustle past all that. It's then of the night. That's occupied too by some student employee. You've just spent a lot of your time crossing this building. At this point, you're probably thinking like, God damn it, if I just had it home, I might be there by now. Yep, but I still need to, like, clock out.

And so at that point, there's a little bit of panic. Not a lot yet. So I start heading back the other way. Maybe that bathroom's now open. Obviously, make it all the way back, up the stairs. It's not. Oh, we're fully in a panic mode. We start heading back downstairs and we're like,

or maybe that one's going to be open. In my head, we know it's not. So we start thinking, what's around me? And earlier, I walked past the laundry room. Oh. So we duck into the laundry room. So we close the door and we assess the situation. What's in here?

What can I'm. make use of. There is, like, a sink, a washer, a dryer, a mop bucket, a trash bucket, and we think, what would I cause the least collateral damage? You're about to shit in public and a closet, but you're still a gentleman. I'm not looking to ruin anyone else's day but mine. Yeah. Yeah. But the decision was then made for me as I was weighing the options, and the cork has been popped. Oh, okay. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Lava flows out. Oh, hold on a second. And you're staring at a bucket?

We're weighing decisions. These are decisions to be made and they were not made in time. It sounds like you had decision anxiety or decision fatigue, but I also want to point out because I know you so well, Monica, when you heard that the cork popped, I felt like you got a little PQ. Did you get a... No. No, I did not.

I just... I don't know you as well as I thought I did. I felt it kind of viscerally. Oh, okay, okay. Because when I talk it. Okay. Trains left the station at this point mentally. Yeah.

And so I am very tall. pants in seam is 38 inches. So I figured, okay, there's a lot of capacity here to be filled up. Sure. And we're safe. The damage is done. The toothpaste is out of the tube. And we're just like, let's just go clock out.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. No, let's not just clock out. Your pants are full of shit. We want to lock the doors somehow. We want to turn them inside out. Get it in that bucket. Maybe, I don't know, we're going to try to mop up the inside of the pants. There's a washing machine there.

I might wash and stay. I might just spend the whole evening dealing with this. But did you make any attempt to fast? in the ends of your pants. I shoved the bottom of the pants into the shoes. So we're hopefully a self-contained system here. Okay. Close-loop system.

There must be a smart school. Well, he's smart. You can tell. Yeah. Technically, I'd agree, but barely. Wait, what color were the pants? Dark jeans. Okay, that's good.

That's what you want. You'd prefer black, but sure. So, yeah, I go, clock out, and I make my way amongst the crowd to head out. It's still pretty busy. But I'm walking, like, a cowboy that just got off a long horse ride or something. And I'm trying to be nonchalant about it, but, you know. Also, can I add, again, I know I keep talking about your height, but it's like, you're not able to blend in.

Whatever you're doing is going to be observed. If you got a crazy walk, people are going to be like, look at that tall guy with the crazy walk. Also, your butt is like at most people's faces. That's where the danger comes in. Really unfortunate for them at this point. Bad on a normal day. Terrible today.

So we're walking up the front stairs amongst the crowd. We crossed 100 or so yards to my dorm room. We get upstairs, shower, those pants obviously destroyed the room in the trash, and the trash room immediately. And went to bed. And at this point, I thought that's the end of the story. But unfortunately, that's just part one. Oh, no.

Part two next day. We fast forward to this shift again, getting set up in the sushi area. Some of other student employees just like talking, say hi, we catch up. And then one of them to say, hey, do you hear about Mike? Mike is the guy who worked at the nearby station. And she starts laughing, and she says, he broke his arm. And I say, I don't know why that's a funny bit of information to tell me, but sure. And she's like, no, he slipped and fell when leaving work last night.

And I was like, I don't understand why this is hilarious to you. No, no, no. He slipped on the stairs on poop. Stop it. No. No. I'm not about to take full blame for this because we don't know 100% that someone else didn't have a story right after this.

That's right. plausible deniability. Well, at first glance, I was like, this is crazy. This is you. It's your fault. And now you're trying to shirk your responsibility. But what I will say in your defense is other people ate the same noodles that fucked up your butt. So maybe multiple people shit their pants that day.

That's a good argument. And you already said it's a huge school. I don't think it was yours. I just think if you have 46,000 students, probably on any given day, one or two people have shit their pants. I don't think it would have escaped the sock. You would have noticed it. Little morsel of the shame, Pauling out. You don't know.

You fucking broke your co-worker's arm. What a left turn. Allegedly. And he had to cast like up to his arm, like the right angle cast for like a couple months. Fuck, you really got him. Oh, no. And he probably wasn't able to work. No, he's fine.

He's fine. He's probably got a lot of attention, got a date. Oh, if I broke my arm on somebody's poop, oof. Really quick. though i have follow-up questions how did they know it was shit the smell and the look of it it's like on his shoe oh okay that makes a lot of sense i bet people would have assumed someone brought a dog in but the dining common i'm trying to help you here i don't know why you're pushing back so on oh it was the stairs at the dining oh no it's definitely you no it's you and i'm your

defense attorney i need you to shut up and let me paint the case where you're you. Oh, my God. And by the way, we'll probably have a prompt in the future that's like, tell us about a crazy way you broke a bone. We might talk to Mark. Oh, let's write that down. That's a great idea.

That would be pretty funny. Did you come clean? Oh, no. No, no. First time, Eddie, when it's heard this story in my life, my wife's here. I said, I got approved for the prompt. And she's like, what prompt? And I didn't answer.

She said, what prompt? At the end of this, would love to say hi, but we don't know what kind of face we're going to get. Okay, it's all coming clear to me now. Does he remind you as well of that great comedian? He reminds me of Zach Woods. Yep. Do people tell you that? Yeah. That's flattering. Oh, yeah. He's hilarious. Yeah, he's also really good looking. I'll take it. Okay. Well, we'd love to talk to your wife. I want to see what kind of gal you wrangled with this wreckage in your past. It's pretty cute. It's got a lower his head to go out. Oh, my honey, he did have to. Yeah. Fuck. Well, we heard him killing her.

We've never seen her. Oh, yeah. Hi. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe it's you guys. Hi there. Who's this cutie pie? Who's this little redhead?

She was wondering who daddy was talking to in the closet. No one. Don't worry about it. Just a good story. Princess Ana's husband. That's who Daddy's talking to. Big fans of frozen over here. That carries a lot of weight in this house.

Well, you guys, happy holidays. What a great story. He almost killed a man by she. shitting his pants. He won't tell me anything. I have to wait to listen. Oh, this is exciting. I just ruined the plot twist.

Did you guys meet in college? No, we actually met in high school. Didn't know each other. But we're not a high school sweetheart. Correct. We reunited during college. At a bar in your hometown or at a reunion? Actually, exactly.

At a trivia. Yeah, a little Irish bar in our hometown where kids played trivia after high school because they were living at home with their parents. Can I say that's a great group? If you're going to meet. someone at a bar, do it at a trivia night. I agree. Put that degree to use. Yeah, we are pretty good, too, so we decided to get married. Do you guys continue to compete in trivia? Not as much. We have two little ones now, so it's harder to get out for trivia nights.

Yeah, you're fucked for about seven more years. It's a good tradeoff. It is. Thanks for chatting with us. That was great. Thank you so much. All right. Take care of you guys. All right. Bye-bye. Bye. song oh okay great we don't have a thing song for this new show so here I go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of armchair he'll get some suggestions on the flyer rhyme dish on the flyer rhyme dish enjoy follow armchair expert on the wondery app amazon music or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of armchair expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing

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