Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Best of Monday 2025

Episode Date: December 22, 2025

On this special episode, we revisit some of our favorite moments from Monday episodes in 2025. Nikki Glaser relays the risks of a roast, Brad Pitt commits a non-union extra faux pas, Dominic Fike drops his mixtape in jail, Dove Cameron tries to mend her relationship with her dad, Alexander Skarsgård finds his way as an actor post-Zoolander, Jennifer Aniston talks kids and SNL, Adam Scott discovers grief for his mom while filming Severance, Mindy Kaling writes nerdy women who desire, and Charlie Sheen keisters an ice cube after falling asleep on camera.Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Armchair Expert early and ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting wondery.com/links/armchair-expert-with-dax-shepard/ now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Armchair Expert early and add free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Or you can listen for free wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm with Lily Padman. Hi. Today is Best of Mondays 2025.

He's an armchair expert. He's an Lepcher Expert. From episode Nicky Glazer Well last night I was at the Grammys And my boyfriend I'm just trying to be very small Like I feel like I don't belong there

I don't want people even noticing me to go like Why is she here? Even though I was nominated for a Grammy But like I didn't win I was so mad I didn't win Only because I wanted to bring my Grammy To like hold it to be like I belong. I just wanted to

have a reason to be there. So I was being very small. And then people were coming up to me being like, oh my God, I love, like people I'm fans of. And my boyfriend had talked with me after we were like, you know, just kind of doing a debrief afterwards.

He was like, I think you have to remember that you need to go up to people next time. Like, you going up to someone will be the same gift as Olivia Rodriguez coming up to you. Like, because that was like the biggest gift of my life was someone I admire so much coming up to me to say she was a fan.

He was like, but you could go give that to people. And I was like, I don't think of anyone thinking, of, that they would want that from me. Did you talk to Taylor? I didn't. That's one, you know, like, Taylor, she's just, everyone wants a piece. That one, I'm just like, I will never be the one to be like,

excuse me ever. It's almost rude what I do when I'm in the same room as Taylor Swift, because I won't even look her way. She's like tapping you on the shoulder and you're just like, it will have, it will take that because I just will never, and everyone goes, go up and say something to her. So it's like, she's got to, there's no way that she's dying for that. in a night like this where everyone's doing it.

And of course, she would be so nice. I know exactly how it would go down. But I just, I don't want to take someone's energy away that I require their energy to be put into making great music. That's what I don't want her to make a less great song because she had to be like, nice to meet you.

Oh, and like, hold me as I'm crying. Give you the full swifty treatment. Something tells me, I can't bother her. I generally after award shows get pretty depressed, no matter what happens, because I'm around all these famous people that I put on a pedestal. and I kind of see the facade of it all and like the desperation and like oh everyone's the same everyone has they're all wearing uncomfortable clothes and have the fake hair in and I'm like we're all clamoring to be noticed and a little bit disappointed when we're not and it just it makes me a little bit sad because I'm like no matter how big you get you kind of worry about who's in the room who's looking at you where you're seated I kind of go through a depression afterwards it's seen the magic trick a bit you realize oh there isn't any pixie dust there is pixie

desk, like there's magical moments where you're like, wow, that person's so talented. They're so amazing. They're like, you know, you know, just even watching Chapel Roan last night, Sabrina Carpenter, Ray, who I've never had never heard of, but watching her was just transcendent. Definitely musicians when they're doing their thing. And if you were watching the people in the room act, perhaps, but you're just seeing them not lit and not in a riveting drama. Yes. And they're just people. The reason I brought up the thing is because I wanted to do a full circle, which is, and this is important to say because I was like a little annoyed and I was upset on your behalf and upset on my behalf because I was like, oh, this is going to be a problem for me. So Kristen is hosting the SAG

Awards. Oh my God, really? Yes. And she hosted them in 2018. And that's when I was her producing partner and creative partner. And so I wrote her monologue and I did all that stuff for her then. And so she asked me to do that this time. So I went back to look at that original monologue. I kid you not there is a joke that is about Mark Marin that mona wrote that i wrote that is we didn't have our show yet that is literally no way the exact same joke i loved that show yes i loved that show my jaw dropped i had no memory of writing that joke and also i was like well this joke is fine this joke is fine so that joke has to be fine too that makes me feel so good like it doesn't mean it He killed his close-up.

He was such a good sport. Kristen showed it to me. She's like, well, I mean, look at this. We did the same thing. It's so funny. That makes me so happy. I was like, I wrote this exact same joke. It's so nice to hear that because I think that happens all the time where people get

mad about something and you've just done it before and no one will ever admit that they've done it before. But even when I get mad, it's everyone's such a hypocrite. Not that you were. I know. No, I was. But unintentionally. I hope that got to you in our debrief as well, which is as I was listening to the monologue, panic that I was going to get made fun of, I was doing a personal inventory, you know, and I was going, you have done this many times.

Like, I have done this. I have been on Conan making fun of the cast of the expendables because I had a movie coming out against them. And they're easy targets and I can do all their accents. You know, maybe Sly was at home bombed. It's hard for me to imagine that. But maybe because, again, in that situation, I'm insignificant and I'm almost speaking in a vacuum. These people won't really hear me. Yeah.

And then I'm like, and I was on a show called Punkd, where we put celebrities in very rough situations and hopefully they acted poorly. I mean, like I had no point was ever judgmental. And at no point did I act like I was above that. What I more was starting to feel was a kind of compassion for both of us. That's really nice. Which is like, I want to get invited to the party. And the way I got invited to the party was like, yeah, you can come to the party if you should have these people on punked.

Yes. And I was like, okay, I'll do it. And then you get to the party and the people you shit on are there. I know. For years, I'm bumping in a timber like and he hates my guts. And I'm like, don't you understand, buddy? I was like dead broke and that was my only chance. Oh, my God.

So he remembers. He places you from that. We've had them on and we talked it all through. But like, yeah, I would see him for years. And it's like, yeah, that. That guy doesn't like me in for good reason. You forget these people have feelings. And generally, the jokes I make are about, you know, at Rose, I feel like everything's

on the table because they've signed up for it. We should make a distinction because I heard you talking about it this morning. And it's great. You're like, Tom Brady's getting $25 million. He has consented. Yes. Everyone that said yes to the Diaz, they, am I saying it right? Dias.

The dais, yeah. Yeah. Everyone who says yes to camera. Don't make fun of them for saying it wrong. I go, is it the Dias? And you go, yes, that's right, Deyes. I just want to give you what you want. Right back at you.

But then I'll ultimately be honest with you. So that's going to track throughout this episode. We have the same approach. Yeah, but there is consent. Yes. And I have been invited to so many of those rows. And I'm like, I just don't have thick enough skin. I just tell you.

Like, I can't handle it. Don't ever go. Thank God. Like, I don't even think about what's going to be said about me when I say yes to the roast, like I put it out of my head. But even the, I did the Tom Brady one because it was like, Tom Brady, I got to do it. But the next roast that they threw out me, I was going to say no to because I was like, I'm too old now. Like, when I was 35, getting called old, you could cut.

It didn't hurt. Yeah. I don't feel it. Not really. But at 40, I kind of feel it and I'm starting to see it. And I just don't want, I don't want anyone pointing out something about my face or that I have to then go talk to someone about. Yeah. In an office and have them drawn me and stare into my eyes.

And fix it. And fix it, which I'm done. And I continue to do. But I just don't want, I don't want anyone else notice. Like, I just don't want people to pay too close of attention. But then the Tom Brady roast, you just, and then you go, oh, good. I'm not the most famous person here. So there won't be that many jokes about me.

And that's how it ended up. But the next one, I feel like, I'm a little bit more famous. Yeah, bigger target next time. So we'll see. It's going to have to be someone really, really good for me to do it again. It hurts a lot. It does, right? I'm not happy.

I'm one of the only people who didn't watch. to Tom Brady roast because I can't even enjoy watching it. I just think of myself hearing that and I just, I, I'm very sensitive. Embarrassingly so. I am, I don't read any comments about myself. I've been sober from comments, which I think should be a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, not the general public because I don't think the general public has too many like trolls

in their comments, but if you're a person, a celebrity or a person. You probably know your troll or if you're a civilian and you're someone saying, you probably work You should have blocked your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend ages ago. That's just a simple block. But yeah, I just, I don't, I can post things now and not worry and not like go back. How many likes does it have? Because I just go, it's none of your business anymore and you don't get to read anything because I can't handle it.

It will destroy me. From episode 893 with Mo Ammer. So, golf war breaks out in 91. 90, yeah, 90. It was like August of. of 90. The reason why I remember exactly because of the invasion

the Iraqi invasion was then and I remember it's quite well because I was supposed to have my tonsils removed two days before, you know, two days before

after they came in, yeah. Oh, wow. So I was like, damn it. So now for the rest of my, I still have, oh, tonsillitis. It might have been a happy accident.

No, it's not, bro. They're miserable. I have enormous tonsils. I bet they're gorgeous. They're massive. They are gorgeous. There are mountainous.

You can ski off of those fucking things. You could probably get them out now. I am so scared they're talking about like the way I've, yeah, I don't want to do it. Really? Yeah, it's a really, it's like 50-50 bleed or something. Something crazy, like heavy bleeding. Was it someone on here? Six weeks to eight weeks recovery.

No talking. They cauterize it, but you can't feel, you can't feel if it's bleeding down into your stomach. Oh. You can basically. Well, see. Yeah. That's all I needed to hear to make it even worse. But why are the kids more, why are they able to?

I don't know. They're just not as mature. I think it's not as mature enough. It's very, like, it's an in-and-out procedure for kids. But someone was just telling, an adult was, like, really battling whether or not to do it. They don't like to do it on adults because it's bleating. I went to, like, the top special of the UCLA, and they were like, mm, 50-50, they're going to bleed, you know. But you'll be fine.

It's just going to take a lot longer to heal. I was like, you know what? I'll just take antibiotics. I'll take my big ass tonsils out of here. I do a lot of voices, too. Like, what if it affects? Yeah. You know, how I do all these accents and stuff.

Like, what if I just end up talking like this all this time now? I would just be like my life is ruined because they sound terrible. So the invasions in August, the U.S. enters, as I remember, because my birthday is January 2nd. And I got my license in 91 on the second. And it was the only thing that played in the radio when I first. I feel like it was like maybe January 1st of 91, the U.S. entered. Yeah. I had left before that, but go ahead.

You left before the U.S. response. Yeah, it was pretty, it was really, really intense because that was the first time I knew that we were stateless, number one. Like, I didn't know, I just knew this happy life. I knew that we were, you know, had family all next. I didn't know anything was wrong. Yeah. With, like, we couldn't just go.

That you weren't like holding a passport. I was like, why don't we just go to, when we just go back to Palestine, let's go back to us, but like, why can't we? Right. And they're like, no, we can't necessarily. do that either it's not the best next step let's figure it out and it was the first time seeing you know your parents are this you see them and like they're your pillars like they're always in control there's nothing ever wrong seemingly know everything seemingly know everything and to see them so

worried yeah and i remember this to the day that call at 6 a.m i remember the phone ringing you know at those days the phone wake up the entire house bring you know i was like who the hell's calling And I remember getting up, and my mom picking up the phone was like, Saddam's invaded Kuwait, hangs up, and now everyone is out to try to get as many resources for the house, food, rice, water, you know, thing, whatever you can get to just store it. And, yeah, that's when everything changed. And they got to our house at 1 o'clock in the morning, and I was past, I was asleep. I've slept through the whole breaking of the door, ransacking the home.

They were threatening my mom, my dad. Who's in this bedroom? who's in his bedroom. They were pointing in my bedroom and they were threatening and they were going to throw a grenade in the bedroom. Oh, my God. Like, tell us, tell us, tell us. And, you know, my mom and my, like,

they were trying to figure out who works at the Equator oil company since the whole reason of their invasion to begin with is the supposed siphoning of, you know, Iraqi oil and whatnot, whatever. Was that their premise they were diagonally drilling in? That's what they were saying. I don't know what exactly. Because it feels like, you know, that's a bigger conversation to me. Now I have, as a grown-ass man, I see what's everything going on living in America.

Now I know, like, who's been putting all these people in power and doing it, whatever. Let's talk about that thing. But that was the premise is that, you know, Kuwait was stealing from them and he's there to take it back. That's the idea. Okay. But then since it's the Kuwait oil company, so our neighborhood was first stop. Yeah, first stop. Absolutely.

And it was all about collecting people who are. You know, who could help manage and turn over the control of it. Exactly. Your dad's like, I just do telephones. Well, that's the biggest fucking thing, right? Communication. Okay. That was like one of their, probably on their top five list.

Oh, wow. You know, of, you know, transferring all communication to where. Right. Transfer it to at all, you know. Yeah. So my dad had one choice. Either do it or we, you know, potentially your family is at risk, you know. Yeah.

Might take them online. Who know. You're not going to find out. out if they're bluffing. Bluffing or not. He's just going to say, yeah, that's me. What are you going to do? What is he going to do?

So he was forced to go in and redirect some of it, from one of her, some of it at that time. And he regrets it. He didn't feel good about any of it. Well, he had to protect himself. And he loves, he loved Kuwait and he loved the people of Kuwait. He loved everything there. And he was just saddened to see it all happen that way. But he was also just protecting our family.

So like soldiers would show up early in the morning. at our house and just constantly all throughout the whole street it was pretty regular but I felt like our house was like a spot you know yeah uh became that and uh play soccer with these guys like they was just you know have me like hold the machine i was like oh hold the machine you know it was that weird like different life just my everything changed right and trying to evaluate are these guys mean and evil they weren't right or but when you're when they first show up the guns they have moments they have moments though i remember this guy he had a thick stash huge

but I was really fast as a kid and I played tons of soccer so I was killing these older guys I was killed him and he just boom he just socks me real hard and I remember being laid out on the ground and I look up and I see him

and this is how he felt like he was laughing and he goes and I was like like a bond villain it felt evil I know he's not but he was just like fucking with me but he just it really

it just I can't forget his face I can if a sketch artists were sitting here, I could draw them. Wow. It's that kind of, you never forget. From episode 9-11 with Brad Pitt. You know, I've never had a gay experience to kind of miss that window. But if I did, yeah, it wouldn't be you.

Oh, man, you had me. I was like, why he's going to say it. I was like, Dax is going to die in that. 14th or 15. I don't want to brag, but you're going to need to build up to me. Oh. I do recommend you start with some starters. Now, is this true that you left college a week before graduation?

No, I actually went through graduation. I just didn't finish my last week of classes and actually graduate. But my parents were already coming. Oh, you went to the ceremony, but you didn't graduate. Fucking walk the line, hat and all, cap. You wanted to be able to throw your hat. Well, sure. It's very much.

That's a crazy fucking decision. No, because I decided come to L.A. We only had one week left. I had one week left, but what's the Spike Jones movie? Adaptation. Remember when Chris Cooper goes, he talks about, he's into,

what is the flowers? Yeah, the lotus. Yeah, yes. Loduses? No, it wasn't a lotus. Orchids. Orchids. Yeah, yeah.

And he talked about his former Jones was about fish or some kind of fish breeding. She said, I think it was Merrill asking what happens and he says, done with fish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It felt like that for me. It's just like, done.

I don't want to do this. I talked to a friend. They had, it never occurred to me. I could, like, I was kind of lamented that movies weren't an option. I'd always love movies. I met this friend whose dad had a condo in Burbank and said I could stay there for one month. Oh. And I went, green light.

I'm going to it. I'm going to it. And he moved to Beverly. What car did you drive out for that? Dots in 200 SX. Oh, wow. With the bumper hanging off. Okay, it wasn't in great shape.

Do you still have it? No. Oh, sometimes it's fun to have those old original. Do you fantasize about getting any of the stupid cars you have? Because I had a 91 Honda Civic DX for a decade here. And I want to get one and make it fucking fast. I was just looking at my dad at a 74 money car, though, and I was just looking that up. You got to get it.

It's just looking at it. You got to get it. Just for fun. Just a little tribute. How often are you scrolling those cars? Be honest. Yeah, it is bring a trailer to your porn as often as I'm scrolling Zillow. Yeah, I know.

Zillow will really. I love house porn. House porn, car porn, bike porn. Well, you've been in this situation for a long time, but it's for so long it was just I dreamt about it. And then I could do it and then I did it. I bought too much stuff. I saw the toys out there. It was fun.

It looks fun. This is me now, like, constrained. So I have these, like, rules I have to have in place. Like, I have to look at the car like 10 times, and I got to want it still in four months. You know, like, so you make sure that you put the time in to make it worth its while. That's right. I, because I'm dangerous. I get on bringing a trailer, and I'm like, oh, my fucking God, I need that thing so bad.

Okay, so you drop out into Dotson. I did hear a funny story about you wanting to get your sag card and interjecting a line. Oh, I got shut down so hard. Oh, did I get shut down? I was doing extra work for about a year and a half before I got into, got to do something real. I was an extra. And I was thrilled.

I loved that. I couldn't believe I'd be on set. Yeah. And I started that. I mean, when I landed in Burbank, I got the paper. I went to McDonald's. I had $275 left in my name. There were three extra agencies.

You could pay him $25 and you were in. I found it in the paper and I got in. The next day, I'm going. I'm rolling. I'm doing an industrial. industrial, like, video by the end of the week. Yeah. And I get this, I get this gig.

I'm about, you're already inflating what happened. I'm an extra in this movie. I land this role. I land this job is extra. It's a wager. But it's funny that when I started, I put them on like a resume like they were real. And it still haunts me. Oh, sure.

It's still like on my, anyways. That's great. I'm like a jackass. And it's this. It's a restaurant scene, and it's the main character is Charlie Sheen and D.B. Sweeney and then a bunch of other actors that I wasn't necessarily aware of. And I am the waiter. I'm supposed to bring up champagne and pour champagne.

They show me how to do it. You got to pour. You spin. You wipe the thing. I said, great. That's more than an extra. I come in. Well, it was a chosen extra.

I got chosen, I got to put forward. Oh, my God. And the whole game was, how do you get your sad card? Because you can't get a job. You don't have your sad card, but you can't get your sad card unless you've had a job so it was his catch 22 specifically you need to speak yeah you got to speak that was the that was

the finish line yes and like a jackass they're having the scene they're doing the scene I get to the last actor and she seemed lower on the totem pole like maybe and literally the scene is going on I pour her champagne and I go

would you like anything else Hey, what the dailies from now? We do. Listen to this. It was, it was, cut, cut, cut, correct, cut. First AD runs over. You do that again, you're out of here. Oh, my God.

It's just shame for the rest of the night. That's so funny. Took a shot. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare. Hey, basketball fans, Steve Nash here. Ready to elevate your basketball IQ. I'm teaming up with LeBron James to bring you the latest season of Mind the Game. And we're about to take you deeper into basketball than you've ever gone before.

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Listen to Tis the Grinch holiday podcast wherever you get your podcasts. From episode 949 with Dominic Fike. Okay, but you didn't get to cocaine or breaking out of the rest. Oh, yeah. So you're in there focusing and it's doing wonders for your songwriting, but... But I'm in your room all day, and I'm trapped all day. And even now that that's my job, it's like, I still know that I have to step away sometimes. Even if I want to, I know that it's healthy to step away.

Yeah, isolation is... It's a bitch. Yeah. Yeah, so I start using everything I can. That has a short span in your stream. Coke is like three days, yeah? Is that what it is? I don't know.

When I was looking at it up, they were like, if you work out, did I do this? I wasn't taking a lot of piss tests when I was smoking crack. This made surprise if I didn't hold any employment that. You know, it's funny. Me neither, but I think it's like something in middle school that you do with, friends when it comes to weed is like you guys discuss like the shelf life of drugs in your sisters. I didn't know weed last for like a month. I know

that one. Yeah, everyone knows that. Every guy knows that. Yeah, and meth lasts a while in your system. But I don't know the Coke thing I should have. Cokes one of the quicker ones. So I'm doing Coke. Yeah. Yeah. Because you might take a piss test. I guess you are on house arrest. That's true. Yeah, I'm bored. I'm bored. And like the girls

are always at work. And their mom lived there too, but she's always at work. She's trying to give me to go to school. She's like, Dom, you need to do something with your life. I'm telling her I'm making a mixtape. A kid with a face hat smoking dope doing coke in your fucking department talking about a mixtape, you know.

I'm not necessarily investing on that startup. No one gave a damn. No one gave a damn. And then I get called in for a thing. And it's right as I finish the last song on the mixtape. I'm up doing Coke that night. And the dude calls me at 7 a.m. He's like, Domino, another drug test.

And I'm thinking like, oh, I just did it. So it's probably not even in there yet. Oh, like I just did a five minutes Like, what's up, Pete? Give me the cup, motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. He gives me the cup and I just failed And he put cuffs on me right there.

I'd never been so in disbelief. I was like, we thought you had it all. The Coke will do that, won't it? That's the great thing about Coke. It makes you optimistic. That's why it's a relief. And then I went to jail for a while and during that time in jail, I released the mixtape.

Yeah, so how was the time in jail? You were in county. It's awesome. It was great. I'm not even kidding. Really? I had a good time. Again, this is a stereotype, but I'm worried how cute you are.

I'm a little worried about how cute you are. Well, that's scary. I know. I hate to perpetuate a stereotype, but I'm not really like that. I'm a little nervous. Okay, tell us. There's this thing called like PETA, PETA, something like that. It's some four letter acronym. Yeah. That is against prison rape. Okay. So we got some action in there now. We got some protests. It's huge. It's like, it's like dare, but if it's like they kept doing dare, and it was a huge nationwide. And it was. And it work because I was in yeah I had a full long hair this is before I you know I was like 20 20 you're in there yeah yeah there we go yeah you're a piece of ass I was call it what it is so yeah and I was

in a violent block because of my charge so my my bunkey was just a murdered his family okay hilarious though it's the funniest guy like the funniest guy well if you can't laugh about murdering you know what can you laugh at you can't laugh at you can't laugh at you can't laugh at you can't laugh at them because you killed them all. Oh my God. Wait, how old are you at this point then? I'm like 20. You're 20.

Okay. And how long were you in jail? Like a year. Okay. Yeah. So, you know. Wait. Murdering.

I did have one question. We blew past. Did you watch Florida Project? No, I never watched Florida Project. I was never into people like making their projects about their like movies about my town because they always did it wrong. And I just didn't want to be let down and pissed off. I don't think you will be with that.

Really? I hadn't seen it when everyone. anyone else saw it, but then I loved Anora. Yeah. And then so I went back and watched Florida Project. Florida Project's better than Anora, and I love Anora. Florida Project is fucking. That's a crazy thing.

It's awesome. Sean Baker's amazing. Oh, he did Florida Project. Yeah. Florida Project. Okay, we love Sean Baker. Yes, and it has this impossible thing that, like, kids have. Once every 30 years, someone captures little kids being little kids in it, like,

you're like, how did they get this to happen? Yeah. It's like, it's magic. It's the first time you saw Dakota Fanning. What the fuck's going on? Yeah, I am Sam. That movie, I'm Sam. Drew Barrymore, E.T.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you piss hot, you go to county. You release the music. Now, this is so improbable. By the time you get out? Yeah. By the time he gets out, there is a bidding war to sign you. And you sign at Columbia for $4 million.

What? This is a lot of money. This is up there with, um, he he, Kuan, yeah. He, he, Kuan. he's on a refugee ship within a year he's flying first class to fucking uh the stephen spielberg to be in indiana jones wow wow so yeah this getting out of prison to a four million dollar contract how do you compute that yeah so i i don't know it was if it was kind of like the first of its kind in that span of time to happen to this bidding war thing i'd never been a part of anything

because it was big on soundcloud right you had put it all on soundcloud and then um my manager reed who's still my manager to this day, takes it off real quick because he sees it starting to garner, like, attention. Yeah. And we had a couple, like, suits reach out. We've never been in contact with anybody like that. I've been released music for five years at this point, you know?

All over any way I can get it, I'm releasing it. So then people start reaching out, and these dudes start flying from California to visit me in the jail. No. Like, I'm not even kidding to you. I'm at the fun. Like, this type of shit, like, with this dude that's like, hey, Dominic, you're ready to be a millionaire?

I'm homeless. You're like, I'm not doing this for a penny under $4 million. You can take $3 million and shove it in your... What had happened was my mom is in jail and my dad's in jail at this point for 20 years. Both are facing 20 years because my family, this whole time, my family, they're huge heroin dealers. Huge heroin traffickers. My dad, Sean, my stepdad, Sean's a heroin trafficker. Like, we're all chilling at one point.

And we'd been doing this for years, living in hotels, selling coke or whatever. It worked out. It put me through school, you know, at the time. And then the doors, all the doors get kicked down at our hotels and at our other. houses and everyone's taken to jail marshals you know it's in the news i'm seeing them both i'm like oh man they're fucked like 20 years each so i'm in jail too and my sister's up for adoption because of this and my brother's in jail and i need to get my sister out of adoption i need to get my mom out of jail and i need to get my stepdad out of jail so you know each lawyer for them is 200 grand 200 grand

a piece and then to get my sister out i'm still paying for that to this day so i'm like thinking about my position and I'm homeless at the time you know and I need some you're in jail yourself yeah you're damn son this is my work that y'all are buying so all this is in my head you know at the time and and it wasn't that I came up with like four million it was just more like these dudes I could I had never seen money over a thousand dollars yeah yeah yeah no motherfuckers are like 200,000 I'm like that sounds like a not real number I guess cool I'm not pushing it up another dude flies from another label comes to the jail says a big number.

Right. And then I didn't even know this was a thing. I tell that dude that the guy said a bigger number. Yeah. This motherfucker goes with a bigger number. I'm like, wow, this, I feel like I'm like a, you know. Yeah. You're in Jerry McGuire.

Yeah, dude, that made me so funny. We get to the point where we're in L.A. And on top of the Columbia building or the Sony building because at this point, Rob Stringer's involved, like the dude who owns Sony. He's like, all right, who's this motherfucker? Like, everyone's throwing this money around. Who's this guy? He comes to meet me.

We're in a meeting. And at this point, I got my, like, I got the, I know how to do this money thing. Yeah. So I'm in the room and I'm, like, playing them songs. And they're like, oh, these are so good. And then I'm like, yeah, well, you never know. And I'm about to walk out. And Rob Stringer's like, so what, are we doing this or not?

Because he's a business, man. He's like a real, I respect him so much. Yeah. He's like, are we doing this or not? I'm like, well, I don't know. And Ron's like, maybe we could. And he's like, no, no more millions. Are we doing this right down?

I'm like, yeah, I'll do it right now. And we just sign it. And we pop a bottle of champagne on this rooftop. It's me, Rob, and a couple of my friends. And then I go into the bathroom. And I'm like, yeah, I got to piss because all the champagne. And I'm looking at my phone, the bank account, shouldn't I see the number jump? No way.

At the urinal. And then from then on, I just don't remember. It's been like seven years of... From episode 879 with Dove Cameron. Were you having any guilt? about being in Burbank? Yeah. I mean, it was a weird thing

because to be completely honest, I tried to mend my relationship with my dad a lot. And I think there's this thing that happens with depression, a lot of people who are depressed, where they are perpetually pushing people away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And for the entirety of like 13 and 14 and 15,

I was really trying to connect with my dad. I think, you know, he was always a depressive person. Like my mom and him met and he was like, I'm super suicidal. And she was like, okay, I'm 20. We're going to try to get you out of this. You know, like, yeah. Yeah. So it was always sort of there.

But I really, at 13 and 14 and 15, I was really just like, I miss my dad. I know something's weird. He doesn't answer when I call. Well, the most heartbreaking part from my, it would seem to me is that you at least had the fantasy at all times. This will get repaired one day. Yeah. I keep trying.

But one day he's going to be feeling better and I can get it repaired. Yeah. Sorry. No. And then they go like, oh God, yeah, I'm not going to be able to repair that. It's fucking really sad. Yeah, yeah. It's true.

It's also like I think about this a lot because I was so young. And I, like, I have a memory of him, like, coming to stay with us once in Burbank. Um, and I just remember, like, thinking all the color had left his face and I didn't know, like, he was drinking so heavily and all of that. Um, and I remember being like young enough, like 14, he was staying on like a little blowup mattress or something in our living room. And I just came out to like, like he wasn't looking him in the eye. it was all this stuff that I, like, didn't really, I thought he was mad at me, right? Yeah, yeah. And I, like, came to, like, say good night or, like, lay down next to him or something.

And, because I was still, like, a very young 14. Like, I wasn't, like, a, like, mentally I was mature, but I was still, like, I wasn't dating. I was, I was very, like, my parents' kid and I was very insulated. And, like, I don't know, maybe, like, very protected. And I remember, like, laying down next to him just for a second to be, like, cuddle time. like routine and he like didn't really move and I remember him being like I think you should you should go to bed and I was like and I remember receiving that as just like such a rejection that like he didn't want to and I and I didn't know what it was like I truly thought he was angry with me for something and you know when you're a kid like you blame yourself yeah you really blame yourself and so I was like maybe I'm behaving badly or something I didn't really get it or I would just feel guilty that I'm pursuing my own life yeah like is he mad that I'm pursuing my own life I mean, he was always, like, kind of vaguely supportive, I guess. Like, he was worried about me more than anything.

Like, he was worried that I wasn't going to be able to survive in Hollywood. And I knew that, but he was never, like, the thing was, I had gone back to see him after I had lived in L.A. for a year. And I stayed, like, at our home for the summer, at our family home. And I went, because I wanted to spend the summer with my dad. And I wanted to see him. And we hadn't seen each other for so long. And I remember him doing everything he could to get me to not stay with him. Like he would send me to stay with my friends.

And I actually probably didn't want you to see him like how he was existing. Yeah. And I remember like he was like a famously like tight walleted man. Like he was always like you get $100 for clothes every year before school. And if you grow out of them, that's your problem. Yeah. You go secondhand shopping. You make six outfits out of this.

Yeah. He's like if you grow, that's your fucking problem. And then the rest like you have a sewing machine. out. And I was like, all right, but he, the year, the summer that I stayed with him, I remember he was like just giving me money, like just cash money to get out of the house. And I was like, that's so bizarre. And I, I didn't really realize that he had already sort of put a plan in place where it was like, he didn't need it anymore. No, he got rid of all of the animals. He was getting rid of all of his money. God, isn't it weird to think of someone planning for that long,

something like that? Yeah. It kind of goes against my stereotype of. of it, like, overwhelming you in a moment as opposed to. Right. Well, it might not have been as consciously planned as just, like, I don't want anything. Like, you're. You've lost even the desire. Yes. You've lost the desire to even care for anything or have anything.

I still go back and forth on that because I found out later that he was paying, like, my friend's mom to, like, get me groceries and, like, basically was just, like, pawning me off on another family. And I was so, I honestly just thought he was mad at me. Like I internalized it like for two years that he was just mad at me. And I was constantly trying to fix our relationship and reach out and he just wasn't having it. And so I, I don't think at the time I felt guilty for being in L.A. so much as like even when I was on the island still, he was not really wanting to see me. And so I was kind of like, I'm always.

here. I'm always wanting to connect with you. Yeah, your side of the street was clean. And I found out also that like he had attempted, um, something really publicly. And my mom kept that from me. And that was like a big sort of turning point in like my mental health was just being like, what do I not know is going on, you know? Right, right. And my mom was probably right to keep that from me. But of course, when I was like 14 or something, I was like, what the fuck. So I, I really didn't know what to think of it. Like he, he, the last thing he texted me was like, I love you, Klo. And then it was like, we got a call the next day. And it was like, yeah, it's really crazy. I honestly don't like talk about it too much. Yeah, understandable. Not because it's hard, honestly, because I, I do talk about it.

Yeah. But I talk about it with this kind of like, here are the facts. Yeah. You can disassociating a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. So I went into therapy for the very first time like three years ago or two, whatever it was. Oh, really? Wow. Yeah. Weirdly, since I was in recovery for so long and I was like, well, I'm getting everything I need from there, but whatever I did. And yeah, I can tell you my story. I can tell anyone my story. Yeah. And it is.

It's a list. It's a timeline. Yeah. It's like, then this happened, then this happened. And then in that therapy session, as I was talking to him, for the very first time, the emotions were attached to the timeline. Yeah. And they just are not generally for me.

Yeah. So I can relate to like these moments who are like, oh, okay, the emotions are here now with the story. Yeah. Yeah. I think also, like, I think also some, it's really hard to, a lot of the time, like, trauma is very sensationalized. I'm sure you know. Yeah.

I've become very protective of that over the years because I used to be much more open about speaking about it. I had a friend who died very publicly in the last few years. And that was when I sort of tried to reorient a little bit my autonomy over, like, where, what spaces I share that much. Well, my therapist said to me, he's like, you know, some stuff you can keep for yourself. Not because you're hiding it out of shame, but just it's yours to keep and you should keep it for yourself. Like also having it for you in a weird way, which was a new concept for me. Yeah, it's sort of the opposite of what we were talking about earlier, which I was actually going to say that. Like, I think it's actually okay, not out of shame, but when we were saying like sharing is important.

And of course it is. But it's okay to have things that are just yours. Yeah. And it doesn't mean like it's your secret. It's just like it's yours and you can protect that if you want. It's just like sliding that line back and forth. And it's like, yeah, I felt comfortable with it here. And now I feel more comfortable with it here.

And it'll probably change again. And it's fine. And there's not a right or wrong. It's just like, yeah, am I betraying myself? Do I regret it later? Right. You did make me cry today though because I was seeing the tattoo that you got. and I have little girls

and I say that same thing to them all the time Yeah Oh my God, you're going to be fine That's so beautiful And I was like, oh my God I can't Yeah, if they had to

tattoo that at some point Because something went sideways It was just heartbreaking What is it? What is the tattoo If you don't mind sharing? It says we'll be friends forever which is just like the sweetest Oh my God

I think I'm like almost every day I'm like you know we're going to be best friends for the rest of your life Yeah Unless I get a procedure hopefully Yeah you have to work on that Maybe I can do with them the whole time Yeah I'm like we're fucking best friends

From this day till the end Well and that's what it should be right Like I was I'm so like moved to hear you say that about your girls Oh, yeah. Because I truly was best friends with my dad, like, and he really, like, he tried his best, you know. There's probably equally sweet relationships, but I found it hard to believe there are. Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare.

From episode 923 with Alexander Scarsguard. I was out here forever before I started working. Okay. Like a painfully long. I booked the first audition I went to. Zoolander? Yeah. That's fine because then nothing happened for a long time, American film-wise.

We don't need to talk about that. Let's just focus on the fact that I booked my first audition. Very Ashton Gutscher of you. So it's one for one. You should have gone back to three. Well, I did. Oh, you did. I was working as a hot barista in Stockholm.

And then I came on. Dad was shooting a movie out here in L.A. And we all came out just to visit. And my dad's manager, she's just like, I'll send you out to an audition if you want. And it was for a Zoolander. Yeah. And I booked that baby.

Wow. I remember thinking, because again, I didn't have representation out here. I'd never been on an audition. I'd never auditioned in Sweden for anything. I was just like, oh, I guess this is how Hollywood works. You walk into a room and Ben Stiller sitting there. And then you're like, all right.

Let's go to New York. And then, you know, listen to a little wham and drive down and have a gasoline fight. Wow. So then I went back to Stockholm. And my dad's manager was like, all right, that went all right. If you wanted. We could build on that. Yeah.

If you should come back when, you know, you're done with your whatever you're doing out there and we'll send you out. You serve all those coffees. Yeah. Then I came out in, I think, 2003 maybe. Okay. incredibly naive thinking like, all right, all right, Hollywood. I finally decided. You're welcome, Hollywood.

I'm here. I'll take it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You'll find me at Starbucks on Sunset Boulevard. Come get me, Spielberg. And he didn't. And no one else did either.

Yeah. Because Zoolander's 2001. Yeah. In Generation Kills 2008. We shot it in 2007. Okay. Yeah. It came out in 2008.

So were you here the majority of those six years? Yes, sir. Yes. Okay. This is what I want to love. live in because, again, I did that. It's the most relatable part of your story. Yeah.

I like to be relatable. Yeah, we all do. But I didn't have on top of that, well, my dad's great at it and he's really successful and I should be able to do this. Was that a compounding or was it fine or was it grueling? The dad relationship wasn't really grueling or that wasn't something that I felt that I, I didn't feel like an external pressure to, like, live up to or, or, or, um, reach his level of success or, it was, uh, it was hard because I couldn't get a job. That was hard, you know? And, yes. And the fact that I came out of being very naive thinking like, oh, it's super easy. Yeah. And Zoolander was a great experience. And it was also like a super fun movie. Fuck yeah. Yeah. And I found myself, like, auditioning for things that I didn't really like. but I was also in a position where I had I was at another agency then

and I was constantly worried that they would drop me because I wasn't booking anything. You're like paying to get new headshots all the time. You're just kind of, you know, pilot season, you would audition a lot, not book anything. And then it would be like weeks without an audition. When they finally called and they're like, we have this job audition.

Even if I felt like, this is terrible. and I'm so not right for it. You had to do it. Because then, like, I was constantly where they would be like, well, you know what? I think it's not for us to part ways. Yeah. And that's, I don't know if you have to do that, but like auditioning for stuff that you don't believe in. Oh.

And where you feel like you're completely wrong for it. You feel dirty in your soul. Like, it was horrible. Yeah. You're already worried you're not good enough to do this job. And then when you go in and try to put your square peg in that round hole, it just is like, oh, my God. It makes with, no, you think, sometimes you think you're too good to, do it. You're like, I'm better than this horrible piece of shit. And then you don't book it.

Yeah. And you're like, oh my God, what is this like? Yeah. Yeah. And then you get from there to being like, well, I'm clearly not better than this horrible piece of shit. Yeah. I'm so wrong for it. And I know I'm not going to book it, but I still have to go into that room and be, get humiliated. Yeah. So, yeah. Well, the first couple of years, I went out with a bunch of friends from Sweden. And we kind of had a little, first we rented like a little pool house in Santa Monica, so four of us lived in a small pool house of this Swedish lady.

And then we're rented a small apartment. So we had each other. I didn't know anyone else out here. Right. And we were definitely not plugged into the city or the nightlife. We would, yeah, on Saturdays, we would like play ping pong

in our pool house in Santa Monica and drink beer and then take a cab into Hollywood to try to get into a nightclub. knowing that we wouldn't get in four dudes get turned around and then happily get back in the cab

and go back to town of Monica and keep drinking beer play more pink fun so that was like our weekend routine having done that do you ever now like this happened to me

I went to Craggs and I you know there's so do you ever go to Craigs have ever been to Craigs in West Hollywoodish it's a restaurant and there's always

paparazzi there and it's always like it's a hot spot it's a hot spot and I just imagine you going to Craigs now or coming out. Like, it'd be a frenzy. It'd be like a hold to do.

And I wonder how you can sort of reconcile that as someone who would just like stand in the line at the club and never be able to get in. And now they're like, they would die for you to come in. Is that? Can you like integrate that? No, I just remember after a couple years, we met a Swedish girl out here. Like, and she was plugged into the city. and she was so nice yeah she moved out of her

when she was like 20 but she was very plugged into the city and she would take pity on us so she would like I remember like we would try to get into a net club

couldn't get in and my buddy called her and like Helena do you know anyone here at the club can we get and she's like I'll be right down boys

and then she would come down in her sweatpants to just like get you in tell the pointer to be like the balancer was like hey can you let these guys in and he's like

all right Helena and then she would go back home. So she wouldn't even go out. Wow. It was so sweet of her. That was nice. She knew that we spent years going like into clubs, not getting in, back to Santa Monica to play ping pong. So a couple of times we did like have the luxury of getting in somewhere.

I can tell you how I integrate it. I wanted that. Yeah. And I have it. And I love that. I love that when I drive by all these places that for years kind of haunted me. Like I'd be afraid to even try to get in. Yeah.

Just knowing as I drive by. Oh, they would let me in. Yeah. I love that. But I can't, and again, this is the Yant de log, the Swedish thing. I can't walk up to a bouncer. Like, if there's a line, I can't walk up and be like, what's up? Let me in.

Google me. Succession, bitch. Dude, Google me. Yeah. Google me. I dare you. But you wouldn't have to. As soon as you get out of the car, they're going to be like, oh, oh, Alex is here.

We got to get him in. Yeah, but the sweet of me would be like, look down, back of the line. Shut up, wait for your time, your turn to get in. It's all wasted on you, really. It is. It really is. Because I don't do it, but I do, I do know what it was like to be so on the outside. And when I drive by, I'm not even going to the places, but I just go like, oh, you could.

You moved here and you were looking at it and you couldn't have it. And you can't, you have it now. What that was, I remember being a conversation that we often had as we were like waiting for the cab to take us back to Santa Monica. We would be like... In 10 years, if we stand here on Santa Monica Bullemar, you think we could get into any of these clubs? One day. That's the dream. Will one of us be able to get the others in?

Can we leave Helena alone? Can we let Elena sleep? Can we take her off the clock? Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird thing to get to that place here. Yeah. From episode 960 with Jennifer Aniston.

We're talking about kids and this might be a no-no, but I'm curious. Hit it. You can ask me anything. Okay. I froze my eggs. Twice. It went very badly. I did a podcast about it.

It was, you know, following the journey. It was a whole thing. And I'm 38. And I am single. And I'm, you know, feeling like time to start making some big decisions. It kind of feels like. now or never-ish-ish to even try with some of those eggs. And I'm starting to just feel like I think it's, I think it's never.

And why? Because now, like. Can I ask you a bigger question? Yes, please. Are you doing that, the freezing? Yeah. Have you always wanted children? I've always not known.

If you wanted them. Yes. So it's not like we had Chelsea on that podcast. Handler, who I know we both love. And she, you know, she's kind of always been like, no, I don't. She's very cut and dry. Nope. Not my thing. Not her thing. And I like, I, I respect it and I wish I had that because it's not that. It's very much like, oh, but I do, like, I'm very close with their kids. And it's like, oh my God, to have one of these that's mine. You know, you get, you get kind of wrapped up in it. But also, my life is also very full, what you just said about

all your friends in your life. I have the same thing. So it kind of feels like, I, I, maybe it's okay that I don't. And I wonder you've said like, you know, you're on the other side of that. And I wonder if there's peace there. Oh, it's so peaceful. You're like, I'm good. It's so peaceful. But I will say, well, there's a point where it's like, it's out of my control.

There's literally nothing I can do about it. Yeah. And when people say, but you can adopt, I don't want to adopt. Yeah. I want my own DNA in a little person. And that's the only one, selfish or not, whatever that is, I wanted it to come. But is there the moments of, well, this goes around into, it's probably a topic I don't really want to talk, but discuss. But when you meet someone and you go, God, we would have made some good kids.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. So that might come up and then that'll pass within three seconds. Right. Right.

And then you're like, but guess what? You'll plan a trip to Mexico? Yeah. You'll be on that trip. Just take a look at that vacation for five minutes. And you're like, oh, good night, bye, see you later. What are we going to watch? Yes.

Okay. I like that. So it's because it's like a, it's a romanticizing. But once you are on the other side of it, there is definitely a, yeah, because it's out of your control. Yeah. Just wasn't in the plan. whatever the plan was. Exactly.

I do think some people, though, like, can't. Let it go. And I worry, I guess that would be me, but hope, but. Come over and I'll help you let it go. Okay. I'll take that invite. Yes. Yeah.

It's a lot. It's a lot. And by the way, it's very emotional, especially in the moment when you get, when they say, oh, it's, that's it. Yeah. Because there is a weird moment when that happens. Yeah. It's getting too dark for this, I guess.

No, no. It's like, it's, there's a moment when you are, it's actually, oh, yeah, this is not even viable. Exactly. So, time is up. Oh. That's probably a blessing and a curse. It probably hurts really bad. Yeah.

And then probably you move into acceptance mode and it probably is liberating on the other side. Totally. I would guess. Yeah. I ran into Sandler and Spade in the room right outside. And I knew Sandler from forever. Uh-huh. You knew him pre-friends.

Yes. Oh, wow. Because he was very good friends with Charlie Schlauter who played Ferris, Bueller in the television version of Ferris Bueller's Dayoff. Wow, you guys go so far back. So we met at Jerry's Deli in like 1912. Wow. And then...

Just before the Spanish flu. Just before. So, yeah, so I don't know why I had this self-righteous attitude of like, I don't know if women are treated the way they should be treated on this show. It's a very male-dominated. And I mean, I would love to be here if it was like in the Guild of Radnor Day. I mean, this is what I'm my, my semi, the brain that semi remembers things that are back that far. Yes.

Something like that. Okay. I got, okay. That makes sense. And then, and then it was like, well, I don't remember what happened in there. And then I can't remember, but I just remember friends then happened. And then that's where I went. You really fucked up.

You chose wrong. You think so? Oh, my God. Yes. Well, shit. People say regrets. I can be interviewing you. And I could be going, so you turned down friends for us.

And people would be like, oh, that would be the saddest story at all time. Yeah, it all works out. It works out. I don't think there's ever, they, everything is sort of, man, meant to be. From episode 846 with Adam Scott. So obviously since then, you. I've done a ton of stuff, but severance is like the most spectacular thing. Oh, thanks.

And as you know, because Chris and I sent you voicemails. Yes. Almost after every episode. Yes. I'd like to play a couple of years. Hey, so we're in bed and we just had a quick question. Hi, we just had a quick question. Are you guys fucking drawing this new season?

Is that what's taking so long? What in the goddamn hell is taking so long? These are the kind of messages you would receive up forever. You, son of a bitch, you wanted the compliments where here comes the fucking complaints. Bell and I just sat here on the edge of our seat waiting to find out what happens when you guys come to... You fucking prick. You piece of shit prick. And that goes for Ben, too.

Losers. Oh, buddy. Are we fucking pissed that this episode just ended when the switches were thrown? So you wanted the fucking cake? And now you got to take the rat poison, too, you piece of shit. Okay, so that's kind of an average. Was that for the finale? It was, I think, one before the finale.

Oh, the one right, but yeah, yeah. And I just ended up being played. Oh, another thing, it's going to be a long fucking week for us and for you. Yeah, because we're waiting. So either block my number or get used to this shit. Fuck you. You piece of shit. Okay, and then the last one is.

quick update you'd probably find funny my wife just ran through a plate glass window off the second story of our home and was rushed to the hospital you probably want to know if she's still alive i will tell you next week i have all those on my phone as well um i want to play your response just uh one of your responses which is so good you can't imagine how much pleasure it gives me to have the both of you over a barrel like this i may as well tell you now that the entire season was created just to frustrate and destroy the both of you. Eat shit. Oh, that you're so fucked.

Oh, yeah. And Naomi popped in there. Oh, that's cute. Yeah, there's a scene in the show, actually, where we were on the side of the road at the site of my wife's car accident in, like, the seventh episode. And just by sheer coincidence, because we shot the whole season at once, it was on the one year anniversary of my mom dying, which was completely, and I didn't realize it till that day. And so there were things like that where I could pretty directly just let out how you were feeling.

Yeah. And process. When you shut the door to the apartment and you go, mm, yeah, we got some dealing to do. Yeah. Are you overcome with fear for that process? Or what's your reaction to knowing that like oh we're going to go through some stuff now and we're going to be by ourselves yeah and we're going to get into this i think that i'm a person who tries to compartmentalize and push things to a later date yeah and so i think i busied myself with the getting ready for the show and the election was about to happen and so i was preoccupied with that and And so I closed that door and was like, oh, shit, and really felt the loss right there. Like, oh, there is a giant elephant in this room with me.

But it'll be there. I'm here for eight months or whatever. It'll be there. I'll be fine. And eventually after a few weeks and just hours of alone time because no one was socializing really. and restaurants, you know, it was so weird that I really did have to figure it out there. And I didn't talk to a therapist while I was there and I really should have. I did kind of, in a way, sort of come to terms with it and come to terms with the fact that grief is something that is a flat circle in one way or the other.

It stays with you. And sometimes it feels like it happened 10 minutes ago. and sometimes it feels like it happened 50 years ago. Yeah. And sometimes it's surreal that that person is no longer in your life. It's just like unbelievable. It's really hard to imagine someone exists and they don't. As dumb and simple as that is to say,

it is so weird that you can exist and then not exist. Yeah. And someone that is so instrumental in who you are. You know, one thing I did kind of realize is that as, you know, this thing that that I'm doing for a living one thing I realized is that when she was gone I realized that part of the reason I was doing this in the first place was for her to see it you know of course yeah and so when that was gone I was sort of like well who am I who am I gonna impress yeah you know so I

had to straighten that out and and sort of come to terms with the fact that these feelings and this love that you have for a person and their love for you is you know doesn't go anywhere it's it's still it's still here. It's kind of what you're made of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the structure of you is that.

That's right. And a parent dying is sort of a big, it's like part of the sky going away or something. It's sort of a big thing. Well, it's the thing you're most tethered to. Yeah. So when my dad died, I had these conflicting feelings of like, A, he had become a dependent of mine. And so we were in this relation. You were taking care of him.

Supporting him. Yeah. So unfortunately, a lot of our conversations. over those last few years where like I need this or it's just not a great dynamic yeah and then you know I live with my mom primarily my whole life yeah and he when he was dying it was a lot of work for me so I had this conflicting I felt a sense of relief when he died yeah and I was like okay this battle's over we got him through it without too much carnage that's that's a win and so I think I had like I had a misleading sense of relief for a few months

And then opened up the door to like, oh, I'm never going to chat with him again. Or I'm never going to, he's not going to see anything I do. But through all of that, I was like also, thank God to time my mom. Yeah. Because my mom for me is the thing you're talking about. Like, Dax wants to live in the woods and fucking be annihilated drunk all day. And anything I've ever done positive was because my mom believed in enough that I was a good boy. Yeah.

And I needed to make her happy. And so I've often thought, like, if she's not around for me to even think, what would she think? That feels like a very scary place for me to be in. Yeah. I really rely on her to almost be my super ego. Yeah. Just like in the back of your head, your mom is this very unique station that. It's so fucking thankless.

Like, do you watch Naomi and I watch Chris? And I go, my God, what she's going to go through. And meanwhile, I'm walking around like. You know. I know they're like, Dad! Yeah. I know you know that Nick Kroll special where he's just like, moms are annoying.

Yes. And they are. Why? It's so unfair. Because they know you so well. Yep. That's right. In a way that no one else does, not your dad.

No one. They just know. They were in your body. Well, they're who you were able to be scared in front of vulnerable. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, even as a. an adult you know something would happen yeah i would call her and no matter how embarrassing

you know that that call is there yes you know to your point guaranteed i'm feeling better when i yeah get off the phone with my mom 100% she'd somehow find the silver lining that's right horrific and give you the kernel of advice whatever it is yeah Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare. From episode 864 with Mindy Kaling. So interesting. I worked in the office for eight years. Love the experience. Largely male cast. What I want to write about is about women who are ambitious and lust after people that they're not interested in.

Yes, yes. is then every subsequent show, the sex lives with college girls, this new Kate Hudson show, it's all just about women who are trying to make the most of what they have and have sex and be successful. The correlation from how I was in high school and what I didn't have is just expressed in those shows that I was able to do after the office.

But it's really interesting to me. My shows have a lot of horny women. My friend BJ Novak makes this joke that every trailer for any Mindy Kaling show has a hot man's torso in slow motion. And I was like, how dare you? That's incredibly reductive. That's not true.

And then it is true. Yeah. Every trailer. It's great. It's your turn. It's like Pauline Chalameh, Kate Hudson, Maitreama Krishna, and their head is turning.

And it's just like those 80s movies that they can't make anymore, the National Lampoon movies where it's like a guy is following a bouncing girl on the volleyball team. And running point, she enters the coach's domain and he happens to be shirtless doing pull-ups.

I do a lot of pull-ups almost never shirtless. I mean, that's a good point. To try. It's a solid point. Might be better. It was Jay Ellis. So Jay Ellis on your show and he's like, could I wear my sweatshirt for my pull-ups? You'd be like, whatever makes you comfortable, Jay.

But if it's all the same to you, for the story. It's like having Jordan there. And there's two sports on the table. You could either film him playing ice hockey or play basketball. We should have him probably play basketball. We should have him play basketball. Yeah, we should get that top off and see how my pull-ups we can do it. And for the record, Jay Ellis, he is a very funny part in this.

He's more than just a hop-bye. But for the trailer. Yeah, you've got to. You got to hook them. I'm still thinking about when Dax call me hot at the beginning. Yeah, you're very hot. I follow you on Instagram, and I often look at pictures of you, and I go, she's so hot. That's, like, really nice.

I've told Monica that. I'm not doing this for your sake. This is a new information. Well, that's the outcome you hope for when you post those photos. Of course. And you think, oh, in the best, some anonymous pervert in the middle of the country, it thinks that, but to think a celebrity is thinking you're hot, that's pretty good. I would guess many, in fact, most people think that.

Hey. That's new and that feels nice. Thank you. Okay. So you liked boys, but did you not have a boyfriend through high school? No, not even through college. No, this is really personal. But we just talked about mine. And I got to bring you into it, Monica. Sure. Go ahead. There comes a point. When I met Monica, she was 27, 8. Yes.

And as she was approaching 30, I just started getting the sense maybe Monica had it. I probably told you. Well, I asked you ultimately. I said to Kristen, I don't think Monica's been with a dude. And she's like, yeah, I think she has. And I'm like, I don't think so. And then I needed resolution to that kind of argument. Professionally, you needed to.

Well, luckily, she didn't work for me. That's true at the time. We were just friends. We argued about podcasts all the time. She hadn't. And then my first thought was, is it a religious thing? Right. Right.

I'm waiting for marriage. Yeah. I was like, do you want to be married? Is it a religious thing? You kind of want to say yes. There was a part of me that wanted to say, yeah, there's a real reason that I haven't. And there's a reason no. But he wants to have sex with me.

It's because I'm waiting for marriage. But no, I was just like, no, it's just hasn't happened. But then it becomes a thing, as Monica explained to me, where it's like, now you've passed some point where you're like, oh, my God, people are going to think this is weird about me. Were you starting to have any of those fears? Yeah, we're describing the premise of the 40-year-old virgin. My first movie, which is good to hear that besides being just a funny comedy or like a speaking to a truth.

In my mind, I said, this has to happen before I'm 24. And I don't know whether I heard this afterwards or not, but I remember one of the great gifts that Tina Faye, I think, has given to us besides just being really funny and I love 30 Rock and just being such an amazing joke writer is I think at some point

and she's not someone who is super open, but she said in a book or something that she lost her virginity at age 24. And I remember thinking that's like a very nice thing to do. It's a gift. To give some guideposts to nerdy women. She's beautiful, smart,

happy marriage, beautiful daughters. And I thought that was great because we can't all be Dax. We can't all be 12 and fucking. Well, hold on, guys, don't make me the enemy. No, no, no. I was in a hick town and I was super large and we were bored. And I feel like I'd keep making you feel so conscious about it. But so I remember thinking that it happened before then.

Good for you. You're way ahead of me. Did you? Moni had this too. There is an ambition. So if you do decide you're going to do something, anything in the world, you will figure out how to do it. That's true. And I think you pretty much are like,

I'm doing this. It was like a ticking clock at one point. I was like, it really is time. I wasn't like I don't care who. Doesn't have to be the love of your life. That was similar to how I felt. I didn't need that, but I didn't want to have a random hookup. And then I was never in a relationship.

So I was like, how am I going to do it? So one thing I think that's tricky about Indian culture is this idea that in my house, dating or any of that was pretty much forbidden. In high school, no one is dating. By the way, not that anyone was. was coming after me or anything, but I also knew that it was not an option. And then you're expected to sort of like go to college and then meet someone and know how to date and then fall in love and get married.

But with what skills? And everyone's already had five girlfriends that you're going to meet. I've not yet kissed somebody. Right. Exactly. Or even know how to be normal in romantic, intimate situations. Forget even about sexual situations. Situations when someone wants to go to the movies with you and you're like, I only know how to do

this with my female friend. Yeah. Like, I know how to go to the movie with my cousin. Yeah, what do we eat when I'm with you? Am I getting the popcorn and the milk duds? You've seen this probably people go into, I think I just need to have sex right now. Right. And so I didn't go through that, but now that I have three children, definitely want to de-stigmatize this.

You know, I do feel pretty Indian and Hindu in a lot of ways, and I really want to instill that in my kids culturally. But I do think what I want for them is to be like, yeah, you can go on a date or you can like somebody and talk to me about it because I didn't love going into college being like, It does a kiss with someone then mean we have to then take this all the way to its completion. Yeah. I didn't love that. It's also a source of a lot of my comedic storytelling. Never have I ever is literally about a nerd who asks the hottest guy at school, would you have sex with me? Growing up in the 80s and the 90s, and I think Dax were about the same age.

Four years older than you, but thank you. Yes, yes, yes, 75. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry for your age. So sorry. Are you 50?

I just turned 50 in January. Congratulations. That's a good one. I made it. So in the 80s and the 90s, it felt like there was so many coming of age for this like very specific kind of guy, a geeky guy. Can't Buy Me Love. And then later, Jud did it with Super Bad. And this is why I always feel like it's crazy when people can't watch things with subtitles

because I'm like my entire life was being able to relate to characters who look nothing like me. I can do it easily. I'm very invested in Ross and Rachel and we were on a break. And like, I can relate to them. And so it's crazy when people are like, I. I can't watch Parasite. What if they're dyslexic?

First of all, I loved Parasite. But what if reading takes so much your concentration, you're totally missing all the visuals? That's a separate situation. And sometimes I find September that's annoying, too, when I just want to relax me. So I felt like that felt really untapped and fun, this thing that I could relate to

and wanting to do shows and TV about that kind of stuff. From episode 954 with Charlie Sheen. Will you tell her about the time that you're visibly falling asleep on camera? Oh, yeah, no, that was, I don't know where that came from. I don't know. I think I do, I think it came probably from, you know, some sexual behavior that I'd heard about, right? But I'd never done it. Okay.

She's like, what the hell? No, I want to know. What are we on the doorstep? I was filming a movie in Canada called Free Money. and I've been going way too hard and it was like midday and I had this scene in a cafe or a diner, right? Yeah.

And I was trying to get through it and I kept the dialogue just, you know, some days it's just, it's in a different language, right? But it wasn't so much about the dialogue was about the level of fatigue. And I thought I was keeping it together, you know, and the director between takes, he walks up and he says, hey man, I see you fall.

falling asleep on camera. Oh, my God. Monica in the take. Yeah, and I've never done heroin, right? Right. And that's like a heroin thing, right? You're notting off. Boom, whoa, or even Suboxone.

Yeah, right? Yeah. Which is like, you know, contemporary methadone. Yes, yes. I'm telling her, and she's your co-host. No, she doesn't know. She doesn't know about Suboxone. Oh, you do.

I've seen all these drug documentaries I know about them. Okay, okay. So, um, and overprescribed everywhere on planet Earth and needs to, right? Needs a closer look at that shit. And so I said, okay, oh, shit, all right, my bad. I need a, I need a cup of ice. Bring me a cup of ice. He's like, okay, what do you, what do you want to drink?

I'm like, just the ice. And he's like, okay, I said, give me a minute. So I go into the bathroom. I'm like, okay, I heard about this somewhere else, but for, you know, sexual reasons, I'm going to, I'm going to stick an ice cube up my butt. No. Yeah, and I'm pretty sure, and it was a good size one. I didn't want it to melt

We've got one of those like big round ones they make for whiskey If I sit in the cup I'm like no no no I need a racquetball size piece of ice Can you imagine? And I keistered it Like I was sneaking drugs into prison right And and and freaking

And it was suddenly wide away Because it was so uncomfortable It was so fucking It was so cold Not to mention the clenching you were probably doing to keep it in Yeah also the leaking Yeah you're just leaking You're now peeing.

Right, but I think I was in a, I was in like a conductor's jumpsuit. You know, the overall thing? Yeah, thank God. Tells you the quality of the movie, right? And I came back to set, and I'm like, let's do this. You're so hard. Let's do this, man. Monica, there's footage of these takes in the movie, which is incredible.

Yeah, and then I've got sort of the melty clock going, right? Like, how many takes is he going to need, right? And we got through it. And I think after that, I wasn't like, oh, I better go get the ice cube out. Sure. Because we've all, you know, thought about, like, the perfect crime, you know, you shoot somebody with an ice cube bullet, and then there's no, no ballistics, right? So I'm like, okay, it's just going to vanish. There will be no ballistics in this crime scene, right?

And so we made the day. But when I saw that scene in the dock, I'm like, why didn't they just send me home? Right. You know? Exactly. I mean, that guy's not well. Yeah. That guy's not well.

You know, dad and I go down to take part in a TV show that's Pits. Oh, this is going to blow your fucking mind. Actors against athletes and the card we drew was Michael Jordan. So it's a two-on-one, it's a two-on-one versus Jordan. It's a three-part competition, it's a three-throes, a game of horse, and then a two-on-one-one. Oh, no. Wait until you hear how plays out, Monica. I mean, do you want to know or you just want to watch it?

No, I want to know. She loves Jordan. I do. We beat him. Not only did, no, no, no, not only did he, not only did he, he, not only did he beat him. This is where he has these, these absolute, like, mythical strokes of magic. Yeah. He hit eight, Charlie hit eight free throws in a row.

Did you even, did you play basketball? No, played baseball, but I shot with dad in the backyard like my whole life growing up, yeah. Hit an 18-foot jumper in the two-on-two to seal it. To win the game. Yeah. This is. Yeah, it's nuts. He gets out of treatment.

He is dead. He's dead. One of his times getting out of treatment. Dad picks him up. He wants to just watch baseball. He loves baseball. They stop by this place and there's grown men playing a game of baseball in a league. And because they're them, they all of a sudden they let Charlie take an app back.

First swing, out of treatment, life's over, home run. Of course you're confused. Exactly. Of course you're confused. You've got like superpowers and then you're superhuman. I mean, you're extra human and you have superpower. This is too much to, like, be holding all at once. But on the drive back from the Jordan thing, I've got the scene with me.

Uh-huh. Because I know that on Tuesday or maybe even Monday, I have to report back and do this thing. Yes. And so I read it with dad in the limo, just having done the Jordan thing, working on Bueller, right? And he, we read it once. I didn't do anything with it. And he stopped me and said, that's it. You've nailed it.

Uh-huh. And I was confused. I was like, I didn't, I did nothing. Yeah. And he said it took me 30 years to learn how not to do that. Yes. Yeah. As a trip.

Wow. So that's kind of what I walked in with. And, and I was really hoping that Hughes was going to be okay with this giant, you know, very specific piece of advice. Yeah. You know, and he was. Yeah. And he was. But, of course, on the day I overslept and I was two hours late and it was like, really, oh, wow.

Yeah, it was awful. He gets a job. I mean, he gets the job. Wow. This is, this is, again, this is an easy theory to make, and I want you to tell me if you think there's anything realistic to this, which is these things come incredibly easy to you. And something about the subconscious goes, this isn't right.

Yeah. And we're going to fix it. And the way we fix it is we're going to destroy it. Right. Sure. Some self-sabotage. But this was, I think, before. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But there's an inkling of it. It's like, how were you on time to get the job? you get the job too easy, you go win a game with Jordan, somehow you can't fucking wake up on time? That's a good point. Why can't you wake up on time? You weren't late for the thing.

Yeah, that's true. You weren't late for that. Yeah. You know you got that too easy. And now we're like, you have a reason, but it's suspicious. Yeah, it is suspicious. Even sitting here today. It doesn't make sense.

Yeah. And a lot of your stuff doesn't make sense. You can't draw it up. Right. You can't plan it, you know. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondry app, Amazon Music, or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to every episode of Armchair Expert early and ad free right now by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.

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