Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Bradley Cooper Returns

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Bradley Cooper (Maestro, A Star is Born, Silver Linings Playbook) is an award-winning actor, producer, and filmmaker. Bradley returns to the Armchair Expert to discuss why it’s important to be a good dancer, his new love of reality television, and how much he’s worked on improving his self-esteem. Bradley and Dax talk about their morning rituals, how they’ve learned to evaluate their own stories, and how fulfilling it has been to become a parent. Bradley explains the importance of having empathy as an actor, the talent of Leonard Bernstein, and what makes him cry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Nick Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hi there. Hello there. Your friend is here. My old buddy, my sweet, sweet friend is here, Bradley Cooper. I don't need to tell you about Bradley Cooper, but I will anyways, because he's an award-winning actor and a filmmaker. He's nominated right now for 15 to 17 Academy Awards for his film Maestro. But before that, of course, we have A Star is Born, The

Hangover, American Sniper, Silver Lines Playbook, Limitless. You know, hey, Cooper, what a fucking resume you've put together. You know, time's just passing and all of a sudden this list here assembles and I'm staring at it and it's what a career he's built. That's incredible. But you forgot to say Hit and Run and Brothers Justice. Hit and Run and Brothers Justice. Yes, yes. Let us not forget. His movie Maestro is out now on Netflix. This is my favorite conversation I've had with him in years. That's great. It was lovely. Yeah, I really, really just like, I just, it was just very impactful and I really, really enjoyed it. So please enjoy my friend Bradley Cooper.

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Price and participation may vary. Extras, taxes, and delivery additional. Expires April 8th. He's an upchair expert. He's an upchair expert. He's an upchair expert. I was worried about the traffic, but I'm okay. Yeah, you did fine.

Yeah. Tell me about the Oscar luncheon. What happens there? What's that like? Klugman's coming. Okay, great. Kluggy will be in tow. You mean the voice of T-Mobile?

That's right. And the creative nucleus behind it. Shut up, Panay as well. Yeah, exactly. You kind of can't beat his voice. Do you know about his friend, Brian Klugman? Best friend since Philadelphia. And he and Panay are partners with Nate.

Oh, fun. Yes. And Klugman's in the movie. Oh, who is he in the movie? This is insane. I know. Can we just break this down for a second? Yeah, Rob, explain yourself.

Rob, he's the expert, yeah. So espresso with water. And then they have like a special whipped cream that they put on top. Who's they? Maru Coffee. Okay. Shout out Maru Coffee. Best coffee in the city.

Black Ops, whatever, Nate Talk. Who else do we know from over our time together? Wait, who was he in the movie? Mr. Amoroso,

my cello teacher when I was in eighth grade. He's awesome in it. Oh, I was just kidding. Another shout out. Oh, isn't he great?

I thought you were saying Klugman was playing Leonard Bernstein's cello teacher. I know, that's what I thought. It's too early for jokes. Sorry, sorry.

Okay, so your best friend played. I'm sorry, this is the first thing I'm having all day. Isn't it great? It is good. So it's called something, right? Cream top? Cream top. Also not a great thing for you to sip just before the photos,

because it does look like you just blew an elephant a little bit. Just right here. That's what these hands are for. This has happened a few times. I kind of think you're doing it on purpose, Rob. One of his rascally moves. What's going on up there?

The shepherd. What's he doing? What happens before the interview starts? Oh, we're all over the place. Back to... Look at this footwear that's going on.

Yeah, a lot of boots. Oh, all three. We got a lot of... They're pretty good. These are from... What movie? What movie? TV show, Kitchen Confidential. These are a lot of boobs. Oh, all three. You're pretty good. Where are these from? What movie? What movie? TV show,

Kitchen Confidential. These are from 2006. Wow. Because I live in New York, but I still have the place here. But all the clothes are from like... They're just getting older.

Yeah, so like I wore these Benetton women's pants. I must have worn all the time. Remember those red, almost pajama-like pants? Oh, for sure. Yeah. Okay, those were women's.

I got those when I was on a trip with my parents in 1997. Really? 1997! Oh, my God. Yeah. Okay. Those were women's. I got those when I was on a trip with my parents in 1997. Really? 97! Oh my God. And they're still holding up. Yeah, I wore them yesterday with the failure to launch army shirt. Oh my God. Do you do that too though? Yes. I was just complaining about it. I haven't acted in a few years, so I haven't collected any new stuff. Right. And now it's starting to become really apparent, especially if I have to wear a suit because I'll have had suits made for the game show, but I was one way.

So nothing fits me anymore. And I'm not going to fix that. I'm just wearing stuff that doesn't fit now as a rule of thumb. So everything's way too big or small. For the last two and a half years, everything was way too small. I would put a rubber band in the little notch

and then put it around the button for the neck of the shirt. You follow me? My neck was too thick. And I'm like, oh, I'll just be able to cover it up with the tie. But then I'd pop into the bathroom in the middle of an event and realize the tie had gotten a little loose. And you just see like my daughter's braces rubber band. I mean, it's not braces, but friendship. So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to be looking like in about six years when I continue to not collect any new clothes. I believe we're 49. Yeah, baby. How's it feel?

I actually feel young. I feel like younger than I did 15 years ago. But I know it's coming because people in their 50s say, just wait, after 50, your body starts to change. I feel healthy as I ever have. In fact, I was just thinking of you two weeks ago. I'm going to see how fast I can get to the very top of Griffith. Oh, wow. And I was remembering you doing that weeks ago. I'm going to see how fast I can get to the very top of Griffith. Oh, wow.

And I was remembering you doing that in Vancouver Island. Yes. And then I was like, I need Cooper. I have no comp. I don't know if I'm doing good or bad, right? The fact that you could even do it is the win. I guess. Dude, are you kidding?

I haven't done anything like that in years. Oh, you haven't? Oh, no. I don't run anymore. You stay thin, though. I was watching you in Maestro, and I thought you're really— I got super thin in Maestro. For the prosthetic, that was the best thing.

Because otherwise, when you would put the stuff on your face, it almost looked like a bobblehead. And then after that, I'm like 181, 182, which is a great weight for me. Yeah, probably the healthiest weight. Oh, no question. For our height. Just diet, then. Yeah, and work out.

Work out in my bedroom. Okay. Like body weight stuff. You might need more clarification. No, I have like this. Sprints to the toilet. How about I show you a photo? Let me see a photo of me working out.

My screen's video. A video of me working out. Let me see. Here, I'll show you my routine. This was yesterday at nine. What do you do? So I have a Peloton bike that I used to use a lot. I don't really now, but I like the way it looks.

Yeah, it does. It feels like it lets people know that there's an athlete in the room. And the other thing, the huge thing is this catalyst suit. Do you know about this? No, tell me about that. So this catalyst suit that I was turned on to like four years ago, it's a certain method of working out where it stimulates your muscles through electro. There's like electropulses. Exactly.

And it's a 20-minute workout. I've turned so many of my friends on to it. Because do you remember when I was doing sniper, my tendons were really sore. I was like, how am I going to be able to build the arms up to match my back? Do you remember that? Well, you would focus very heavily on deadlifting for that. Deadlifting my neck. Remember all the neck shit? Yeah. No, because he had this incredible neck and we always wanted to shoot from the back of his neck. You know, anyway. The suit. You're still actually working out?

Yeah. You're sweating. Yeah. It's hard. And the great thing is I just focus on my lower back and glutes because, again, as we get older, that's really the only thing that matters. Yeah, but you already had the glutes. I had the glutes but not the lower back. Okay. Yeah. So you came with the glutes into this world. I did come with the glutes into this world. That's nice.

Which I've had a weird relationship with. Sometimes I've hated it but often I've loved it because basketball with Dax. Shirley. Tennis court. Tennis court. Let's let's be honest though where it really shines is the dance floor that's true I was just talking to a friend of ours about this I didn't like my face you didn't like yours but I had to build a self-esteem that's right I just honed in on a couple things I had that was my first foot forward no matter what you have to have known your haunches were so powerful and infectious especially on a dance floor. I just loved dancing, so I was shy.

But for some reason, get me on that bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah dance floor. Back up. And I felt like I was in a place of comfort. You were at home. Yes. Yeah, I did. And the response from gals was that no other boys were dancing. So it was like, ah, finally I have a fucking thing.

At least somebody's dancing. That's right. Just the fact that we were out there meant a lot. I try to tell young boys, like, just get dancing. You don't have to be good. No. In fact, it's almost better. Yes, it just says I'm a good time.

That's right. But do you think it works the same for girls if they're not good? I still like it. I think at that age it's just about being out there and moving around. It's a false flag of confidence because it takes a lot of confidence to get up and potentially humiliate yourself. So, yeah, even if a gal's dancing objectively poorly, God bless her. Look, she's confident and she's moving. That's attractive.

I just think you guys might be a little misunderstood in that you both didn't like your faces, but you had nice ones. Okay. Go on. Continue. What specifically was nice about our faces? We had nice ones. Okay. Go on. Continue. What specifically was nice about our faces? Nice faces. And so the dancing, even if you were good or bad, it was just like, oh, that's cute because they're cute.

Thank you, by the way. You're welcome. And it could be right. Whatever the outside perspective is, what was going on, and that was one of the many things that we sort of aligned initially is our sense of self-esteem. That we were monsters. And physically and all these things

that we connected to, but that maybe the general populace would be like, what are you talking about? But it didn't matter because it wasn't like this thing we told ourselves. We had a dossier of factual evidence which would support that in fact. And that would refute,

but you can't see that. Yes, but in a court of law, we felt like we had a very, very good case. Strong case. Yes, yes. We didn't even need to make a final closing argument. No, in fact, no. Once we bring the gals up that didn't like us, then we get on the stand admitting it. They're like, let's settle out of court.

We're like, okay, no, we're going to take this all the way. We feel confident about the verdict on this one. Oh, can I just say real quick? Yeah, yeah. I had this incredible weekend in Santa Barbara. They did this film festival and they did a retrospective and they made this montage of all this stuff. And then they showed a thing from Hit and Run, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and I screaming at each other? It was like a moment right before that. You driving tough? It was so quick, but it was like me looking at you. I think it was right before the fight. Wasn't there a moment where we just looked at each other? Yeah, because we love each other and yeah. Because it didn't look like

Kate. It didn't look like Kate. Oh, and then when we shot the T-Mobile commercial, the DP did Hit and Run. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, of course. Brad Stonecipher. There's been a lot of Hit and Run memories. Oh, that makes me so happy. And you know, because that was the Limitless wig. Yes, yes. Oh, and I was watching

We haven't talked in a little bit, but I've been completely turned on by reality television and I'm absolutely obsessed. What specifically? Well, Love on the Spectrum is the greatest show I've ever seen. Okay, yeah. Really loved The Golden Bachelor. That was my introduction into that world. Oh, wow! I didn't know that. But I was just taking in the last season of The Bachelorette. I haven't finished it, so don't tell me anything. Okay, that's fine.

But they were drifting and I was thinking about you the other day. Oh, they went on a drifting date? Yes. Oh, maybe I should watch the watch. They had so many years to try to wrangle everyone in. I can't believe all the seasons. They're finally drifting. I can't believe.

So many. It's true. It's going to be like they're going to have a bass angling episode or something. It's true. They've done so many. What else can we do? Speed lunking. Love is blind?

My Lord. Oh. Have you watched Love on the Spectrum? Yes. The first season, I saw several. We watched some during the pandemic. I'm new to it all, but whoa. It's beautiful.

Do you have a theory on why this is suddenly appealing to you? Sincerely. It's not a theory. It's just a logistical thing. It entered your life. It's entered my life. Okay. And you can't turn away.

So I entered my life and I was like, oh, this is the most incredible reflection of human behavior and social dynamics. But love on the spectrum, you're watching these people just move forward with their heart and mind totally open. And they're saying the very thing that we're feeling and never have the courage to say. It's like one date is the equivalent of 40 of our dates. Yes. Boom. Let's get right down to it. How are you feeling? How's this going? I think it's going well. I'm feeling this way. I don't's get right down to it. How are you feeling? How's this going? I think it's going well. I'm feeling this way. I don't like this. That's what always kills me

is when they're like, no, I don't really like this. The first few I saw. I'm like, yes, dude. It's quite transparent to me why that appeals to you. Okay. That specifically.

Because you are always on high alert for the truth. I know where mine comes from. I don't even know that I know exactly where yours comes from. I think it comes from a similar place.

Okay. Maybe charismatic, deceptive adults. I think it's about how to survive and understand what's real as a child. What's happening because there's conflicting signs that portray different realities. How do I decipher what's real so that I can survive? So I'm going to predict what's next. Yeah. So these folks, you're like, oh, this is it. They're going to tell me I plan on double crossing you in 15 minutes. Yeah, it's nuts. I find it very moving. I struggle with it immensely.

Reality television. No, no, I love it. I don't have a show currently, but I've had long periods. I love dating shows where everyone's fucking. I love that. Oh, yeah. I haven't seen those yet. Oh, you should watch Are You the One?

Oh, really? Okay. Can I lay out the premise for two seconds for you? So it's 20 people, 10 hot girls, 10 hot boys. They're on some romantic location. And they're just free to mix and see who they connect with. They've been told that an algorithm knows who their perfect match is. That's the buy-in, that this computer knows who their perfect match is.

So then at the end of every episode, they have to pair off and declare, this is my true love. Basically, only two of them are right. But they've fallen in love, right? They've been fucking for a week. Only two of them are right, meaning to the algorithm. Yes. Do we as the audience know already? We don't know. And so they're trying now to figure out which two had it correct and which eight other couples need to do-si-do and switch partners. Whoa. But people are already in love. There's jealousy. I mean, it's like the most maniacal. Are they all living

in the... Yes. and they're drinking heavily. Yeah, there's a lot of drinking in all these shows. You gotta get everyone hammered. Are you the one? Do you watch Love is Blind? No. Oh, because all the cups, you can't see through them. So you don't know how much they're actually drinking.

Is Love is Blind the one where they'll show a penis part? No. No, Love is Blind is where they meet in pods. I think it came out of COVID initially. I did see that. I did see that. Okay, and then they're kind of falling in love with what you would hope they'd fall in love with. Personality. Their that. Okay. And then they're kind of falling in love with what you would hope they'd fall in love with.

Personality. Their personality. Exactly. And then they now get to see each other. Yes. And they just did Love is Blind Sweden, which was incredible. Oh. Was there a big cultural shift?

Very much so. To the degree where there was no more engine in the show? Like they don't care what each other looks like? Just different mannerisms, different way of communicating. But they dubbed it. So I didn't like it because the voice is everything. You know, at the end of it, they do the live coming back show where you find out what happened and that they hadn't, I guess, had time to dub. And then all of a sudden you're hearing their voices. It was fantastic. Well, they had small talk

in Pleasantries, which I appreciate about them. And they're all real handsome over there in Sweden. Oh my God. Yes. I just met our boss from Spotify and just a run-of-the-mill guy in Sweden. But here, you know, he's 6'2", broad shoulders. He's gorgeous. Yeah. Yeah, this guy's just a fucking five. By the way, you look amazing, dude. Thank you. Your eyes are crystal clear. Really, we haven't seen each other in person. You look fucking great. Oh, wow. Thank you so much.

Yeah, right, doesn't he? Yeah, I mean, I see him every day, but yeah. You look so calm and healthy. Is life good? Yeah, life's really good. Yeah, I could tell. I've carved out a really crazy, impossibly good thing here. Yeah, but I mean just everything. Yeah, but this kind of then informs how much free time do I have to exercise?

How much free time do I have to drop my kids off at school? It goes backwards from there. Of course. Still playing the drums? Yeah, getting worse. That's the fucking bummer. But still have it by the gym? It's right underneath of us.

I work out, and then I play a little bit. And then I'm like, God, it's weird. I'm getting worse. Tell me your ritual. The exercise? No, just like get up in the morning. Oh, great. I'd love to.

It's so self-indulgent. I talk about it all the time. Oh, you do? No, he asked. He asked, so it's fine. Yeah, yeah. So you've given me the blessing. I wake up two hours before the kids are up.

Well, two hours before I got driving to school. So five? No, six. I got to leave the house at eight. How far away is school? Two miles. I can do it in about nine minutes if I'm punching it. And what do we drive in these days?

We drive mom's electric bolt there because I can do U-turns really good in front of the school and get the spot. When mom's using her car, I'm actually resentful. I wake up, I meditate for 20 minutes. Then my reward for that is I get coffee and nicotine. And then I start journaling. I journal one page. Still journaling. My God. Yeah, won't quit. Well, I quit for a minute. I remember. And I get coffee and nicotine. And then I start journaling. I journal one page. Still journaling.

My God. Yeah, won't quit. Well, I quit for a minute. I remember. And I started doing opiates. It turns out they were very linked. And then I minimally have to write a page of prose. So I'm writing a memoir by hand.

And then it's poopy time. Because we've got nicotine and coffee in us. Yes. And we're hammering that. Yeah. And then we get on the commode and the girls start filing in. They start chatting with me and it's amazing. They don't care. Is this a togo commode? Rondal, but same thing. So there's a heat. Yeah. Yeah. I do my posting for this show

at that moment. Like if it's a Monday, I put up the guests and then the girls start coming in and out. And I wonder, is this the same with Leah where they can sit and talk to me like a foot away from me and it's terrible in there. My bedroom is the bathtub and the toilet and the bed are all in the same room. Yeah. So it's 24-7, dude. Yeah, you can even walk

out of the bathroom and get over. There are no doors, dude. And do you find she doesn't care? There's no door in my bedroom. There's no door to the bathroom? No, the stairs go up and it's all on one floor.

Wow. Yeah, let it rip. Just move from zone to zone. God, I would love that actually. Cause again, I'm moving through these little steps, but do you find that your daughter doesn't care at all? Yeah, no, no. We talk where I'm on the toilet. She's in the bathtub. That's sort of the go-to. I have a great biological question surrounding this. Is it your genes that makes you not care? Or is it just the nurture of it all? It's insane that they don't care. They must not be able to smell it. There must be something pheromonal.

Here's what's interesting. I didn't grow up that way. Right. At all. No. I don't think I ever saw my father on the toilet until he got sick. Like, ever in my life. We could have a hundred conversations. I need six hours. And we gotta talk about nudity with a daughter. So it's like, we're the Swedish style, or German. Like Like we're naked all the time. Me too. And by the way,

I was like that, not with my mom, but my dad, always nude and always took showers with him. There was no, no, no evacuations, but showering was fine. Okay. And you're quite comfortable nude. Totally. Okay. Then I take the kids to school. Then I work out. Then I research or research, then workout. One of the two. Probably research first. And then I try to squeeze a workout in. And then we come up here and record. So two workouts.

No, no. I said the order wrong. I would always research first because I can't drop that. And then I'll work out. And then we generally record at 11 for the first time. And meditation happens where? In this area. Oh, in my bed.

So you sort of sit up? Yes. If Kristen's sleeping with the girls, I can do that. If she's not, I wake up. I make my coffee. I bring it to the other middle bedroom, and then I meditate in there on the bed. Sitting up. Yes, and I've added cross-legged to it all. Oh, you have?

Me too. When did this start? I'm like this. Yeah, I couldn't do that. Oh, wow. By the way, I know this is crazy. You do the hands thing? I do.

You are supposed to. Because I feel that there's a difference. It feels like there's not one circuitous. I got you. Yeah, it's supposed to be connected at all areas. Right. Like you're breaking up. Like skadoosh.

That's what made me think of it. There's something circular about it when you do that. A loop of energy. That's what it feels like. I got to add that. I sit like this. Because I feel like it's going in a loop around my arms. Guys, I'm crossing my hands and setting them in my lap.

And I'm doing this sort of like. Touching your ring fingers with your thumb. Yeah. It's the original position. The OP. The original position. Yeah, the thing is never to rest your head against anything, obviously. When did you start crossing your legs?

Because anatomically, I couldn't cross my legs three years ago. I started like this. This is how I used to meditate. You look like a schoolboy at his desk right now. For the listener. Then I stopped meditating for a couple years. And I think when I started back up, that's how it started. And I always go to the roof in the West Village where I live.

That's where I sort of try to go. Even in the winter? Even in the winter. Better in the winter? Well, it's interesting because I bundle up. And then there's no chairs there because it's just a 450-square-foot little area. And I have a little plot of grass. And you haven't seen it.

Yeah, I have. The very, very top? I was in the backyard. I was in the bathroom slash toilet slash. I put it in the bathroom. Just a tiny little deck. Okay, lovely. Do you have mats you sit on though?

No, it's just wood. So I just sit on wood. That's so much tougher. So that's why I had to evolve. Yes. Because there was no chair. I'm so jealous right now. Because I'm leaning against against not my head but

my low back has got some pillows behind yeah my lower back there's grass wood and then i have wood on the wall okay so you're up against the wall fuck because i was starting to think you were full david keratin style no no that would be really hard i know this happens a lot that i'll be mid meditation and i'm down here you You slowly start drooping into the ground. Yes. I tell myself you can not think about this and also lift your head backwards. That's right. That's what I always, I'm like, Oh, where, where am I? Oh, okay. How did my head get down to my chest? Okay. Is that first thing you don't have any caffeine before then do you? No. So what I do is similar. It's like all predicated on when do I have to get Leah up. So depending if my mom is visiting from Philly, Leah loves sleeping with her all the way downstairs. And we have three dogs. So first

it's the dogs. The dogs are at 4.50 to 5 a.m. Walk down the stairs. So it's six flights down. Oh my God. Five and a half. Yeah. No wonder you're not hiking. You don't need to. Take them out to the bathroom, feed them, go back up to bed, try to catch another hour if I can. I always push the limits. God bless our school. Leah's always like, tiny late. Sure, sure, sure. And we live a block away.

The closer you are, the harder it is. The morning ritual is probably my favorite part of the day. And it gives you so much self-esteem, right? Well, I'll tell you why. Because there's a game-changing element to it. Okay. Hit my knees right away. Same prayer for the last 20 years.

Third step and 10th step. Serenity, Our Father, and then a list of people. That grows. Really quick. All this is our isms, right? So it's like we got to meditate. No, we got to sit more properly. No, we got to do this.

And then the list is growing. Yeah, that prayer must take like 45 minutes. The last year of your life will be making that prayer. And you'll have to add your name right as you die. That's true. And me. And people have died that were in that prayer. Sure.

And then does it hit you emotionally or no? Sometimes no, sometimes yes. I'm always aware of it. Two of them have died. Is Charlotte's name in there? No. I don't pray for the dogs. That's interesting.

Well, Charlotte, I don't think you should pray for dogs, but maybe Charlotte. Yeah. Well, Charlotte was like a human. Yes. Your girlfriend, right? Yeah. Let's call it one more. I would often be like, Dax, look at her.

No, Dax, look at her. That's a beautiful woman. I sometimes felt like I was interrupting things. Speaking of, if I was in a relationship with someone who had a prayer like that, I would be obsessed with finding out if I was in that list. Oh, sure. It would drive me nuts. You know what's really nuts is like in the 20 years I've been doing it, I think maybe I've missed like five days.

Wow, that's great. Do you have a bit of a superstition like I do about the journal and sobriety? Not to stay sober, but I do feel like there's no better way to wake up and start thinking about other people. Yeah, because the rest of the day I'm going to be thinking about myself. Exactly. Everything is about, yeah, it's like letstone of it? Not to stay sober, but I do feel like there's no better way to wake up and start thinking about other people. Yeah, because the rest of the day I'm going to be thinking about myself. Exactly. Everything is about, yeah, it's like, let's start it off. Let's at least get ahead of that. Before we can even find today's obsession,

let's make room for some other humans on planet Earth. But do you worry it will turn into a pathology? Because I used to do a prayer at night. It became bad because if I didn't do it or I was forgetting something, it would become a problem. So I just dropped the whole thing. There's something about the physical action of getting on your knees and putting your head down on your bed. That physical

action alone feels so deferential in a beautiful way. Again, it might be your only moment of humility. You know, it really is like to start out like that. It's so part of like breathing now. I don't really even think about it. That, dogs, back to bed. And then I put a cold plunge in the basement of where I live. Dude, I thought you were about to say your bedroom.

And I was going to fucking laugh. This is becoming a Korean spa in there with like a bed in the corner. There's like no room to move. So I jump in the cold plunge every single morning for three minutes. And every day I don't want to do it. Every day I'm in bed, I'm like, I don't need to do it. And I force myself to walk downstairs and it's cold outside, you know, it's cold in the house.

And I'm like, how am I going to do this? And then I do it, set the little timer on the phone, three minutes, I'm so happy when the alarm, and then I feel so fulfilled. I could literally go to bed and that's the end of the day. That's the level of fulfillment. I do too, but I'm only about three days a week i have so many god routines in the morning that is like i have so similar yeah it's crazy it's a shocking we can be friends it is really crazy our birthdays are a month apart

oh our sobriety birthdays sorry yes i always mix that up yeah our birthdays our birthdays are three days apart yeah Both born deaf. Just a reminder. What are the ways in that- Both think we're ugly. I know. I can't. We're trying to get all the approval in the world. If everyone could line up neatly and just walk up to us and say, you're good, and then

turn to the left. But then don't forget, you got to come back and say it again in 10 minutes. I probably won't believe it. 30 seconds after you left, it'll feel obligatory. You're just rotating live. In fact, if you could write it out, it'd be easier for me to... You have that. You're an approval junkie.

Honestly, I think I've grown a lot in the last three years. That's great. Was there an impetus for that? Yeah. Getting older and realizing there are certain parts of me that have really needed serious work about intimacy with people, women specifically, like being in a like real healthy relationship. And also because I'm a father and I'm like, I just want to, the least amount of damage that I could do to my daughter, please let me work on myself. And it's

all just getting older and people dying and mortality. Time's accelerating. That's the currency. That's it. Nothing but time. And I think being at a place where I felt like I was willing to go to those places and a dear friend turned me on to this incredible therapist that like changed my life and really realizing the problem was I had no self-esteem. I think that when I came on before we talked about this, which was years ago now, I think it was not recent. It wasn't. It was at least two years ago. You would have been promoting. I don't think it was. The Guillermo movie.

Oh, so it wasn't that long ago. Yeah. When was that? 2021. 2021? November 2021. I don't think it was. The Guillermo movie. It was. Oh, so it wasn't that long ago. Yeah. When was that? 2021. 2021? November 2021. I thought it was. It was Thanksgiving. So two years.

Two years, two months. I thought it was more than that. Okay. Yeah. We're okay. A lot of that. Everything's okay. We can.

It does feel like a long time ago. I was maybe like a year into it at that point. Self-esteem. And it all stemmed from, I don't know if you feel this, but creating a narrative about my upbringing that wasn't really my upbringing. So I was starting it all on a false premise. Interesting. Of like, I'm from Philly,

I thought I was like a beautiful kid, and they thought I was a girl, and I'd chip on my shoulder, and loving parents. That's actually not exactly the situation. So if you're starting it out, and also Dax and I connected earlier on about our childhood to a huge degree and our relationships to our fathers and all this stuff. Our mothers. Of course. We're like our mother's husbands. Yes. And we are the golden child that was going to

be minimally president. But I guess that was part of my false narrative to a degree too. Was that all it was or was there more? I'm writing this memoir. It doesn't need to be published. I'm writing it so I can get that version that I'm so afraid to lose out of my head. It'll be there. If I ever want to revisit it, it'll exist. That's my action of letting it go. Wow. There's the story I've been telling my whole life.

And now we're going to just set that over there. And maybe my dad was a beautiful guy and maybe he was a loving human well and also like physically nurturing a hugger and a kisser who got that in the 80s all this new information's coming in that's like yeah and my mom i love her to death she's also not the angel she was in my story that's right nor should she be and that's my fault it's not fair it's not his responsibility And that's my fault. It's not fair to her. It's not her responsibility. Yeah, I have no resentment over it. It's just like, wow, I had a really clean story.

I used to, not even knowing it, because that's how the behavior, I just found myself adrift. And starting with the real foundation. Which again, let's be honest, is just another one. Yes. I might reject the notion that there's a real one. It's just, there's all this data. It's just infinite data of your childhood. Well, it's all a story we're telling ourselves.

That's for sure. And what one serves you, in a feeling state at least, I can tell when I'm more present when I'm not, as a human being in my life. When I started to do this work of re-evaluating the foundation of my life and trying to look at it with a more critical eye on honesty and reflecting on true memory,

I found that the benefit is I'm much more present in my life. I don't need the things I thought I needed to fill up whatever hole I had. And all of a sudden, I'm willing to be more expressive, creative, present, giving, boundaried. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So to me, yes, it's another story, but it felt like, boy, it's way closer to something honest because the benefits are practical. Does that make sense? It totally makes sense. For me, I guess the thing I try to be critical of is the story is

immaterial. Is the story serving to either excuse my character defects, justify me getting the things I want, or somehow setting up a situation where you'll be even more impressed by me because you know the story. So if the story has these kind of like self-serving gross motives, which most of my story does, I'm trying to self-aggrandize myself and seem like a victim and a victor at the same time. When I recognize that that's actually the purpose of the story, I think that's more what I'm currently honed in on. I could also tell that I had the luckiest childhood that anyone's ever had. There's enough data points for me to point to these.

Relatively speaking, we're already in the stratosphere on that benchmark. But what's the goal? Why are we doing this? And the goal for me was I want to be able to be more of service to people in my life and then me also. And I wanted to stop living in my head so much to people in my life and then me also. And I wanted to stop living in my head so much, really, so that I could be present. And I wanted to love myself, like in a real way. Yeah.

And then through that, all of a sudden, boundaries just came up that I could never create in relationships. What do those look like? My relationship with my mother completely changed. Oh, boundaryless. Yeah. Like completely. My relationship to friendships. Your bedroom is your, boundaryless. Yeah. Like completely. My relationship to friendships. Your bedroom is your bed, your shitter, your mother.

Exactly. Three dogs. Does she respect the boundary? Does she like that they're up? Here's the thing that occurs, and I don't know if you have felt this with your mother, but it all just effortlessly falls into place because the bottom line is I'm finally an adult. Yeah. Right, right.

Do I fall back into adolescent and childlike feelings and behaviors? Absolutely. But my baseline as an adult, whereas before my baseline was adolescence, when I was in a good space, I could live in the adult world for a little bit, but that wasn't my norm. Well, and Bradley, that's why work is so appealing to us, is that you have all the evidence of adulthood through work.

Because grownups work. Yeah, and grownups execute. And talk about there's boundaries. You're walking into a systematic, very clear- There's a start time and a wrap time. Hierarchy and everything. I definitely have escaped in work before.

Yeah, because it feels like a very adult thing. Yeah, well, and being a parent is a very adult thing. Yeah. Well, and being a parent is a very adult thing, too, that can be misleading. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water.

You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and, of course, a great shower. Expedia. made to travel. I want to ask you this when you were talking about being a father. I wonder if you've had this realization or thought, which is, it's not a realization, that would imply it's implicitly true. Have you had this thought? Girls grow up, marry their dads and boys grow up, marry their moms. So my daughters are going to go try to find me. Holy fuck. I better be like the most spectacular version of myself. I want them going out and shopping for the one that's not deceptive or duplicitous or lying.

I think about that a lot in terms of how does my relationship with my daughter impact her growth and the journey she's going to be on. And specifically romantically in life. Wherever intimacy finds her. I've clocked that she's going to be seven in March. You know my relationship with my dad. Yeah. Spent a lot of time with him. I think I've already logged more hours with my daughter than I did with my dad his entire life. Yeah, same. So that alone is bonkers.

Were they divorced? No, it wasn't like I was estranged with my dad, but the sheer just amount of time that my daughter and I have hung out is bonkers. I just can feel the safety that she feels. It's so tangible. It's palpable. That is so fulfilling. And again, this foundation that you and I created manifested in order to justify the needs that we had growing up was all based on living in an environment where we had to survive to understand what was real, right? I was playing a game my whole childhood, a survival game. Why? Because things were not as what they seemed. Growing up with alcoholism in a family is a very specific way to grow up. What you think is real, you find it isn't

real. And it's earth shattering. It's like finding out that we're living in some sort of metaverse. You know, it's like that kind of macro. You're not human. You're not breathing right now. So as a kid, you're like, wait, that's not my dad. Who's my dad? What the heck's happening? All you do is dissect behavior like a scientist to try to understand what's real. So to be able to have a child not grow up that way. Not monitoring your every movement to try to predict what's next. Wow. I want her to have as much as she can of foundation that's like 25 feet thick cement that she can walk on this earth with. That's the goal. Of course. And do you find

yourself having conversations with her lying in bed or whatever, and then you leave and you go like, oh yeah, I didn't ever have a conversation like that. All the time. Every conversation. Her ability to articulate her feelings at six years old. My daughters can do a four-step in like 30 seconds. By the way, no question. Her mother and I are balled over at this human being that we're raising that is able to articulate. And by the way, in her voice, like I don't even think I even found what my speaking voice was really like until like a couple years ago. You know, I'm like, I think I'm lowering it a little. It's okay. I have a sort of higher.

It's all right. Just be me. Sure. It's fine. Someone will love me. Or more importantly, I will. Yes. Yes. Our nine-year-old will have an enormous... I mean, she swears, which I love. I'll hear like, you're not the fucking queen of this place. To her sister or something. She can let a fuck rip and it's great. And she doesn't do it often. But anyways, she can go for it. And then like 15 minutes later, she'll come and be like,

I got really scared. You weren't going to include me in that thing, so I tried to hurt you back, but I never feel well when I try to hurt you. It is crazy. Oh my God, I was like 38 and I've been in AA for fucking nine years before I figured out how to get halfway there. Unbelievable. Oh, it's so awesome.

Thank goodness they're armed with that because the world now is so much more complicated than it was when we were growing up. And the access to information, everyone's opinion. Yeah, we just didn't hear it. We were making up terrible stories about everyone's opinion, but they actually hear it. I remember being like 12 years old and hearing the term corruption. I remember like, what's corrupt?

I didn't even know what like corruption was. Like, what does that mean? Asking my dad that. I remember driving down Broad Street. It was on like the news or was. Like, what does that mean? Asking my dad that. I remember driving down Broad Street. It was on like the news or something. Dad, what is that? I feel like our children are exposed to the realities of human behavior and how septic it can be and just globally what's going on. We just have so much information.

It's hard for me to even be able to compute it and be able to keep moving on as a person throughout the day, to grow up with that, that that's the norm. I'm so glad that our children have that articulation about their feelings so that they can live in some sort of calm nature. Yeah, equilibrium. Yeah, you got to wonder like chicken or the egg, maybe it's already just completely required. Like again, we didn't change and evolve until we were forced to. And it's almost like they have to already have found that no question or that would be miserable this is all they know

but boy it wasn't like that isn't it i mean it is people get sick of it i sound like a proselytizer i'm always being a parent yes honestly i'm not sure i'd be alive if i wasn't a dad i don't know what would have happened i think you'd be alive I don't know. What would have happened? I think you'd be alive. I don't know. I think you'd just be fucking... I don't know, man. No. I'm not sure.

I think I'd be alive, but I also think... Do you? Yeah. I don't think I could have ever achieved real self-esteem without them. Oh, no question.

That's really what it is. And don't you think at 49 with no self-esteem, that's pretty scary? That's bleak. With your makeup? Yeah. Was I going to make it to 80?

That's pretty scary. No. Allak, yeah. With your makeup? Yeah. Was I going to make it to 80? No. All the things I chased to get that feeling that was not going to be obtained through any other way than this, for me. Other people get there for sure. I see it all the time. Yeah. Tons of childless people.

Of course. I'm just talking about my experience. I just needed someone to say like, we're going to drop this massive anchor. And I'm like, why? We're speeding. I just got an upgrade on the boat and I know where the wind's coming in. They're like, no, no, no, no. There's a tsunami coming and drop this massive anchor. And I'm like, why? We're speeding. I just got an upgrade on the boat and I know where the wind's coming in.

They're like, no, no, no, no. There's a tsunami coming and you need an anchor and we're going to drop it because this is going to dictate everything you're going to do from now on. Your DNA is going to tell you that there's something more important than you.

I remember the first time I realized because I was like, I would die in a second from my kid. I'm always like, if I'm being honest, I don't know. Like the first like eight months, I'm like, I don't even know if I really love the kid. We don't know her yet.

It's dope. It's cool. I'm watching this thing morph. And then all of a sudden. I love that honesty, by the way. That's my experience. That's a lot of people's, I think, and they're afraid to say that. I mean, my experience was totally that.

Fascinated by it. Love taking care of it. Would I die if someone came in with a gun? It's only a couple of months. I don't know. She just arrived. She hasn't even had any drinks. I'm not committed yet.

I don't know. She could be an asshole. A psychopath. I could be doing you a favor. Who knows? And then all of a sudden, it's like, no question. That knowledge alone. For me, the thing is, I spent 38 years evaluating, had I gotten enough love? Who didn't give me enough love? Who should have given me more love? Who should have been more

of service to me? That was my only analysis. I was never asking like, well, how many people have you loved? How many people have you committed your resources to? How much have you given? How many people have you committed your resources to? How much have you given? And I think having them forced me to flip the equation around, which is like my goal now is to give as much as I could. And then, of course, ironically, and against what I would have guessed, I feel the most love by giving it. I don't feel that love by receiving it. Whether I'm broken or that's human, I don't know.

But it's like you can give me a lot of love and it does work for a minute, but ultimately it doesn't. But the giving it, it's the self-esteem thing. It's like, no, no, that's actually foundational and permanent. You can't take away the 11 years I've given to Lincoln. I can feel your love for me go away quite easily. That's right. It's like the first permanence. Also, how about looking in a woman's eyes

and going, I love you forever, for real. And I'm never going anywhere for real. No matter how you act, what you are, I had not had that sensation before them. Yeah. The word unconditional. It actually means something. Yes. Yes. And I don't say that I don't love Kristen and won't be there for her, but it's like, I could do enough stuff that I would be out. That's also a reality. There are conditions to my love and marriage. But tell me this.

Even what you've already been through, and I'm just speaking hypothetically, you probably would have been out. The old guy. Sure. If you lined him up at the beginning and said, here's what's coming your way, I would have been like, oh, keep shopping. No, there's a sense of ease. I know exactly what you're talking about.

It's like I'm a different person because it was always predicated on the behavior that could be happening right now. Like I could be in and out. Let's see what you got. Yes. Because I'll be out in two seconds. In fact, you're always looking for it.

Right. What a horrible place for the other person to be in. I know. What a horrendous place. Again, to bring it back to The Bachelor. Yeah, let's go. And you can see people that are living that way in fact i was watching an episode last night and i was i was i was commenting on like i

could see that that person is talking to the other person in a way of like what are you gonna do because i'm out in two seconds yeah i'd like to be here but i'm also so scared but i'm not even showing you that i'm scared i'm showing you that are you the person that you're— Are you good enough for me? Are you good enough? Yeah. And no one's good enough for you because you're not good enough for you. I mean, I would never be so bold to say what that person's feeling, but I related to it in the way that I have been, you know, without even knowing it.

And now I look back and think, what a horrible thing to put people through. Yeah. And we've dealt with this in our friendship. You share with me that you felt like you had to walk on eggshells with me in periods of our friendship. And I think that's what that was about to a degree, but I didn't even realize it. Yeah. I've had the feeling like he's trying to figure out how I'm screwing him over and it's very stressful. Exactly. Like I don't know how to say I don't have any ill intentions for you. Exactly. It breaks my heart that I put you through that. Well, I've put you through that. This is how they work, the friendship.

No, it's true. But back to the women, I guess this is where, too, the narrative, this is where it served me is I do have conditions romantically. I actually kind of stand by that. You can't be a raging addict hosting orgies in front of our kids and think you're going to live with me in this house. But I do think this is where the story is corrosive is I've been married since I was born to a woman. And that woman brought people around. And I have pledged to myself because I love myself. I won't be along for the ride of a woman I love. And so that's the baggage I carry to previous relationships.

It's like I'm waiting for you to behave in a way that maybe my mom did that I've pledged to myself I won't tolerate ever again. Do you feel like you've been married to your mom since you were born? No question that my relationship to my mother is a massively profound element of my makeup in life. But my relationship to my mother is so different than yours to your mother. I agree. One of the foundations that I didn't realize was the lack of intimacy in my life as a kid. And that seeking out intimacy was part of what I wanted because I felt so alone.

That was a narrative I didn't even know because I grew up the miracle kid. And then they get children. All of a sudden, I looked like a beautiful girl. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the whole thing, chip on my shoulder from Philly, all that stuff.

Right, right. It's like, wait a second, wait a second. What was the reality? What's actually? Yeah, yeah, you were shy as shit, dude. You were alone a lot. And part of that bored imagination, which thank goodness I've been able to put into art. We would both agree, right?

I'm eternally grateful for my childhood. Oh. I'm exactly where I want to be. Let's be clear. I wouldn't change an element. Me neither. We always talk about this. Being addicted to cocaine, greatest gift of my life.

Yeah, it's awesome. Yeah. I don't think I would have gotten sober. Right. If it was just alcohol, I think I would have carried the lineage of my predecessors, and I'd be 50. Made it work. I'd be a dad thinking that drinking's fine, and then one day my daughter would see me

the way I saw my dad, and who knows what I would do. Yeah, then it all blows up. Okay, this is really perfect foundation for Maestro. Oh, yeah. It is. Yeah. First of all, obviously, it's really, really well made. You did it again.

Really perfectly acted. Everything's great. Very unique tone that's consistent over three different film stocks. And all of that is really impressive. The opening line is great art will create more questions than it answers in a nutshell. And this man who I know nothing about, Leonard Bern bernstein i'm so fucking mad at i hate his fucking guts i hate him so much it's so personal watching this which again is a testament to how fucking great it is i finished it my first knee jerks are like why even make a movie about a

guy like that i mean when he looks at his daughter and lies i wanted to fucking go through the screen and kill him because you wanted him to tell the truth. And I'll get to what it's all about. But this morning while journaling, I'm like, what's going on? And I'm like, it's all a continuum. I'm on that continuum. I am Leonard Bernstein. I want glory. I want to be seen as special. I want to have a skill that's rare. I want to be adored. I want to indulge all of my carnal whimsies, but also have the love of my children and my wife. I want to be a selfish monster,

and I want to create some kind of art or product that will excuse all my shittiness. And I always hate the people that are most like me. That's who I hate the most. That's who fucking gets me enraged. And I am in such judgment of other people that have what I have. I don't think I'm Leonard Bernstein, but I think I'm on the continuum. And I think I fight being him.

And so for me, of course, the one moral high ground I have is that I would never look at my daughters and deny the reality they witnessed. And so that was the moment where I'm like, well, he's a piece of fucking shit. And I'm not. And then I woke up and I journaled this. But I have a question. That scene, what did you think was going on with him in that scene? Do you think it was hard for him to lie to her?

I think it was really hard for him to lie to her. And I think he told himself he was doing it for his wife. And I think maybe you even as an actor were doing it for your wife. But then I go, but then go one step further. The wife only has to deal with this humiliation of having sold out her feminism. And she's afraid to be in front of her daughter, a bad model of what a woman should respect herself for because of you. So sure, you kicked it down the road and said, I'm lying to protect my wife. But really, the reason your wife needs you

to lie is because of you. He didn't get out of jail for me in that scene. Does that make any sense? It wasn't for the wife, I don't think. I mean, it was, but it was for her. Sometimes lying. But he said, I want to tell her she's old enough. She's smart enough. And then the wife was like, you can't. But then when he's sitting with her, I think it was for her. I don't think it was in service of the wife. Well, I could tell you what was going on because I remember that very— No, no, no, no. I mean going on with me as Lenny. This is so great, though.

Monica and I always have debates. Yeah, and you're sitting right there. You can, like, turn to the person who knows the truth. No, but I don't know the truth. I don't know the truth. I mean, that's the thing. I don't know the truth at all. Meaning I don't even know the truth about the actual conversation that occurred

or even, like, the truth of what is the movie. Yes. And by the way, I don't know if I even shared this with conversation that occurred or even like the truth of what is the movie. Yes. And by the way, I don't know if I even shared this with you, but throughout the process of making the movie, I went through the same machinations that you just described about him. I was like, fuck this guy. I'm an idiot. Why am I spending all this time dedicated to an asshole? And it was only because I'm like, oh, no, he's reflecting all the shit that terrifies me about myself. Dude, it's one of the most brutal mirrors I've ever seen.

You know, it's like, oh shit. And if I want to try to approach this without acting, really go there. You know what I mean? Yeah, you got to be anchoring it to the things in you. Exactly. And in that moment, I remember so well, because I tried to get it to have two cameras,

but the composition I couldn't. So we actually shot separately the sides. Because you're in 4-3 at that point still? Yeah, 1-3-3. So you don't have the width to do dueling overs. Yeah, and I didn't want to do French overs. I could have done it if I did French overs. It was like the movie's showing that we're hiding,

and I don't want it to be that way. It's supposed to be like I'm actually revealing. You almost want it straight down the barrel in this movie. Exactly. And I don't want the audience to be behind them. I want them to be between them. No safety. No distance.

We're distant in other moments where we're peeking in, you know, when they're fighting and we're like, what's going on? But now, no, we're in the middle. This is a reckoning. It was so hard for me to lie to her. Every element of my body was saying, this goes against everything I believe. As Bradley. As Lenny and Bradley. Oh, that's true.

Yeah, you guys are in concert there. When she says I'm relieved. Exactly. And I'm Bradley. Oh, that's true. Yeah, you guys are in concert there. You know, when she says I'm relieved. Exactly. And I'm going, oh, fuck. No. I can't teach you this. Relieved about what? You're basically going to live through the constructs that have been dictated to us?

Because early in the movie, the reason why he talks to Felicia, he's like, you're like me. I could tell you have this accent that's kind of, I can't place. But your father's American, but you grew up in Chile. You lied about coming to New York to say piano, but it's acting. We're the same person because the world wants us to be one thing. And I find that fucking deplorable. And I actually find you attractive. You know, remember in college, even when we first started hanging out, we spoke, like we just kept talking. Like we were gapped up without gap. Yes, dude. It's because you're so excited to meet a like-minded person. Yeah. That was like his anchor. Yes, the world won't accept me,

but I'll never put out this fire. And this fire eventually burns everything down. Yes. Unfortunately, we can get to that in a second. But in that moment, I would never say that really is Lenny, but that character Lenny, it fucking killed him to lie to her.

Yeah, you could tell. Because the one thing he could hold on to was his identity of an unabashedly honest human being in a world that's trying to put him in a different category. Which is the most selfish, if you think about it. Also, but it's the only time we've seen his own behavior actually catch up with him. That's true. He sees it affect other people. He has to curtail his own way of living. So that was a fascinating scene to experience.

I think it's the most powerful scene in the movie. I think it's funny that you two projected those feelings. Like you were so angry at him because when I watched it, I felt so bad for him. I felt anger in the preparation. I didn't feel any anger towards him while I was filming it. Because life is so complex and people are so complex. And he's just one person caught up in this complexity. And I believe that he can have

all these feelings all at once and that the world doesn't allow for that, but that's his truth. And how do you reconcile that? So for me, I was just like, oh, life is so hard. What I like about it is it exposes our own things. So there would have been another character that would have been doing something that's one of your flaws and character. And would be irate yeah and i would be like again i've overcome snorting cocaine so when i see people snorting cocaine i'm not like those losers they need to get their shit together i just have compassion and i get it six months sober i was like these motherfuckers never gonna get their shit together you know i don't have that issue anymore but i think this is so funny and then it's so obvious to me why you and I have

the same reaction and interest in this is that we got a lot of feelings about someone that acts like that. I don't have a lot of feelings about Carrie. She might've been flawed throughout this. And she probably did things that if you are a codependent or someone that lost your identity to another person, you'd be in such great judgment of her the whole movie. I wasn't, because that's not the fucking dragon I'm battling every night in bed. Dragon is the right word. That's what she calls him. Right.

You're a dragon. And that's part of it. He's like, oh, you see me and you love me? Yeah. You know I'm a dragon and you're kissing me? Yeah. You know, that's why that first scene when they're rehearsing,

that's what she says to him. When he's playing the king. Yes, exactly. Yes. Who doesn't want to be with someone who sees you and loves you? So I could do anything I want. And then there's the tragic flaw. And again, you evaluate your life. It's the great relapse fantasy. It's like, I can do it this way. And as long as the other people don't know,

that'll be a success. I just keep it from everybody. And you ignore the fact that you'll never keep it from yourself. His behavior comes home to roost in that scene with his daughter, irregardless of the other people around him, whether he's kept it on the rails or not. And you're right. No matter whether it was that moment in his life or another, it was going to come back to roost, like you said. And also the duality of he's also teaching and helping.

No one's good or bad. Part of what she said seeped in, because be kind to him. Those are the last words she says to her daughter, basically in the movie, kindness, kindness, kindness. So something did seep through. I mean, of course you're always evaluating whether someone's doing just enough good stuff to excuse their bad stuff. Like just keeping their own self-esteem in a homeostasis. Two for you, one for me. I've certainly been guilty of two goods and now I've earned something for me. The other for me genius element was I have no reverence for conductors. Full honesty, I have been to the symphony.

I'm watching the guy with the baton. And I'm watching the musicians and I'm like, they don't ever look at this guy. This is like, I'm wrong. No, you're not. Kristen, explain the whole thing to me. No, but you're not. That does occur. Okay.

So for me, it was such a wonderful exposure of my own priorities and things i value which is he's getting so much love and affection for this thing that a dack shepherd thinks is almost fraudulent really you spin this thing around that's such an accomplishment that's worthy of worship and praise. And it's preposterous that that little tiny thing he does would excuse anything. And then I go, yeah, and my things are just as preposterous. I too have a stupid thing I do. Does that make any sense? Yes. That's really interesting. I mean, it was very helpful that this character was such a legend in something that I didn't personally ever- But he also composed. Now, had you done a rock star or a film director

or a race car driver, I would have been trapped in the, a little bit of, yes, this is a worthy pursuit and does justify some shit. You do have to dedicate yourself to your thing in a manner that alienates other people. But because I could find no purchase in the things he excelled at,

that actually like is a gift to me because it pointed out- You couldn't excuse it. How equally preposterous the things I value are and that there isn't a hierarchy in it it's just you do something great and you hope you won't have to play by any rules because you do something great 100% it got me fucking revved up I'm glad really really good yeah really wow like it took me all night to sleep on it and then to journal about this morning.

Because I was even thinking like, what am I going to talk to Cooper about? What is my angle? Other than the obvious things, like I said, it's fucking perfectly made. I didn't know how I felt emotionally about it. And then once I was journaling, I'm like, oh, I know exactly how I feel about this. This is the kind of person I hate because this is the side of me I hate. The reason I did the movie, one of the reasons in terms of focusing on him and investigating this person

is that in the research, and we talk about elements of ourselves in him, but this guy lived his life in all of those aspects you're saying at 100. Right, right. Like that one human being was able to, with such abandon, embody all of the hypocrisies and contradictions

of the human experience in his lifetime was mind-blowing to me. No wonder he died at 72. He went full throttle. Full throttle from 13 years old till 72. Started smoking when he was 13, ashtrays in the bathtub, couldn't sleep, by the way,

total insomniac, Add that to the equation. Asthmatic. He was probably feeling physically terrible while also pushing through. I mean, if he was healthy, he would have lived to like 130. You know, and I talked to his kids about it. I was like, what happened to his brain?

Because, you know, drank a lot. The guy just devoured. He was a dragon. Yes, yes. Chomp, chomp, chomp. And they were like, his brain was sharp as a tack till he died. It's like God gave him everything.

Let's see how the human experience works on this human being when they have everything. Beautiful, charismatic, effortlessly, totally present. If you watch interviews with him, he reminds me of Michael Jordan. There's like no inner monologue. It's just you're asking him a question and he's answering it his sense of self Whatever that thing is that he was given is so concrete and a bullion for others to be around That's why everybody I interviewed said like well when he walked in the room, you know It's what you hear about Clinton the energy changes if he looks at you you're like I'm seen you're the only these are massive Weapons to explore this guy that reflects to various degrees in all of us,

he embodied everything at a 10. I thought, this is interesting. That was the thought. I do believe the more I sit on it, because as you just say that, yeah, like massive arsenal. What human is going to navigate that with total morality at all times? That's a lot. To have that effect on people and to not enjoy that and to not

want to live in that permanently. I mean, think about it. A guy brought a gun to school to kill him, a student, because he couldn't take that this person was living. Yeah. Because it reflected how less than he was and that his teacher strangled him during a rehearsal. Those things happened. One of the things I realized was that I'd never tell my daughter is like, you hurt my feelings ever because a kid can't hurt an adult's feelings. That's too much power to give them. Because when I was a kid and I heard that I was causing acid to run down my grandfather's esophagus, right? Because you give me agita. I'm six years old going, how am I pouring acid down this god who was a police officer? Imagine being a young man in your 20s and a kid comes to school to try to kill you because of jealousy.

And your teacher is strangling you because you're too talented. Think about what that would do to you. Have you found compassion in playing him? I guess we all know this. This is a well-worn trope. You can't be in judgment of the people you play. You know, it's interesting. I was thinking about that the other day.

I think I live by that. Like, you have to love your characters. I don't believe that at all. The one gift that I've been given is empathy as a human being. And the flip side is that as I'm so sensitive and could be hurt so easily, I think that also is part of why I feel like I found the right thing to do with my life professionally. Those things could be a benefit to telling a story. They're like height for a center.

Yeah, and I have so much empathy for him because of all the things I've just been saying because he was alive and had all of these traits as a human being and he had to survive with that. And it's not like a two for one thing that you're saying, but I don't believe at all. You know, that fight when she says, it he had to survive with that. And it's not like a two-for-one thing that you're saying, but I don't believe at all. You know, that fight when she says, it's just hate in your heart.

All you care about is showing everybody that they're less than you. I don't believe that at all. And nor does she. And that's the hope of that. That's also too binary. Yeah. Exactly.

I think it can be both. Of course he loves the idol aspect. Yes. But at the core, what I feel from him, and you could take any video, if you like YouTube, Leonard Bernstein played any random one, and you and I talked about his eyes and his voice, I don't see hate. I see generosity. Now that doesn't mean he wasn't a monster at times,

but I do believe there's a deep light. And that's where we get into a much harder and more nuanced question, which is, can we have these super special people and expect that they're going to be completely normal than when we need them to be? His tragic flaw, and it's by his upbringing, the way society viewed him, his religion, his talent. He had a whole bunch of weapons pointed towards him. But his tragic flaw and what we know now living in this, in quotes, evolved culture is that he could have done the work to try to be more centered and have boundaries and be able to live a life of kindness. And I think that he didn't have those tools. Yeah, he was living when, if you're an alcoholic, you went to the sanitarium. That's right. Yeah. he was living when, if you're an alcoholic, you went to the sanitarium. That's right.

Yeah. That's a great point. You can only be so disappointed in someone living in the context they live. It has to be contextualized. Yeah, that's very fair. He had a lot of fires burning all at once. I can have a great family. I'll fuel that fire.

Everybody wants to fuck me. I'll fuel that fire. I'm a once-in-a-generation artist. I'll fuel that, composing and conducting. Very hard to stoke both with equal fervor. So you have all these fires burning. You can't keep them all. I mean, if I've learned one thing, focus on one thing. But if you're trying to keep all of these things going, eventually they're not going to be tended to and they're going to burn out or they're going to take over everything. Well, and that gets to the heart of one of my cardinal sins. I'm

greedy. I want everything. I want to be the best drummer in Los Angeles. But do you still? No, it definitely has dissipated. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even sitting here watching you, I don't see any of that. Do you?

It can be confusing. I'm really referencing the foundational stuff I battle, and I do think there's been great progress. So I am in no way... Because your core that I will go to the grave is kindness. No matter all this shit you and I have been through. If not kindness, I want the best for the people that I love. I would say that's kindness.

Okay, good. That's how we're going to define it. And I don't, now here's the thing I wasn't sure. I was urged to declare this diagnosis on him. But I was looking for like just textbook narcissism as like a real personality disorder. Are the people around him props or is he genuinely concerned about the people around him?

Does he want to help them as much as he wants to be helped by them? That was another thing I found myself kind of evaluating. And again, because like I would alcoholism, I try to really go, hey man, it'd be real easy for you to start drinking the Kool-Aid. You got to really mind yourself about narcissism. And so I think I'm hyper aware of other people, right or wrong. But who's keeping him in check? Why can't he have all of it for a long time? No one's saying stop this or no one's giving ultimatums. So what human would say, I guess on my own, I'm going to give up this thing that is fulfilling me right now. None of us would do that if there weren't people saying you can't.

Like if you weren't actively betraying someone. Yeah, and they're saying, look, I'm walking out or I'm leaving or you can't do this to me. That was not happening. And so it would take a astronomical level of understanding. I think there was a lot of no. First of all, just professionally what he overcame. Never an American conductor. Certainly a Jew.

Yeah. To come into this art form. Hoover had a folder on him that was this thick. Looks like about three inches to the listener. For the listener. Yeah. Imagine those are all tiny papers that was this thick. Looks like about three inches to the listener. Imagine those are all tiny papers. Very thin papers. But that's what I mean. He overcame so much. And if you go back and

read, talk about bad reviews. Oh, did he get eviscerated? His whole career. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's so comforting, isn't it? People made fun of his tactics. In the 80s, his conducting was all of a sudden praised by the very people that were ridiculed. You know, he was a unicorn. People don't want unicorns.

They're scared. And the other difference I felt that I can't relate to is I don't know so much that he needed the praise of people because he was so aware that he was a dragon. He had that in his own heart. Because it was a reality. You know, that was the idea of the beginning of the movies. He's not living with us. And God says, I'm going to call you to come down here and show people this thing. Now, that's a huge gift I'm giving you.

Let's see what you do with it. We've witnessed it most recently a couple times in John Batiste. Oh, dude. Dude. Yeah, no. He's unbelievable. He is. He's a gift.

He's a gift. No, it's a joke. And talk about present. I can see in John Batiste's eyes that he is both grateful for the adoration but that's not even in the equation his pursuit is so far beyond that and that was lenny's too i felt that helps me link those two actually okay he was like a ridiculous talent lenny when you get a chance just youtube leonard bernstein does the history of music in five minutes. Oh, fuck. Okay. Dude, it is. It'll be a very John experience. It is.

He takes you through the beginning of sound to now. Oh, wow. In five minutes. Yeah, I need to see that. Yeah, yeah. And you're just like, okay. And you're asking a lot. Again, here's the compassion thing.

You're asking so much. You're asking someone to live on another plane where that stuff is accessible and then between 5 p.m. and 9 a.m. live on your plane. That's what I was asking. Do we have to have some kind of tolerance for if we want the things we want? Is Michael Jordan the funnest teammate? No, you're not going to get the funnest teammate and the teammate that brings you six championships. There also has to be some level of honesty in these equations, I guess.

Yes. Now, it doesn't excuse if you're being hurt by that person, but at the same time, there's just a certain reality. I think a lot of people want a lot of reward and not a lot of risk, and that feels dishonest as well. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Getting back to what's the reason to make this movie, I never really thought about weighing the analysis of it all in terms of judgment or win or lose.

It was more like, I think this guy reflects things that we all feel and go through on a cinematic level because it's on steroids. So the hope is, is the reason why you guys do this. You want to connect with people. That's it. Bottom line. Can it connect with you so you don't feel so alone as a human? Period. It's real simple. And I hope to let you into my POV occasionally. That is the connection. That's the means by which we don't feel so alone. I don't want to live in a room by myself for my whole life. I need people. Also, they're great reminders because you evaluate everyone around you, assuming they're living in

the same reality as you are, and it's wrong. And to have something tangible to experience someone else's reality actually reminds you like, oh no, we're all living in our own little thing. And so it's really important to remember this isn't the only version. It's all subjective. There's nothing objective about reality, which is scary, but true. But we assume it is.

And don't you think social media and media in general reflects just how disparate realities are? 100%. We actually have a booklet of another reality that we could open up and read. And you're like, oh, wow, that's a completely different analysis of even things and people that I know. Yes. Right.

You and I are doing it individually, personally with our own story. It's like, oh, that was a story that worked for 40 some years. That's right. Is that still the story that'll work for the next 40? And it might be time to make a new one. Yes. I just wanted to ask really quick, because you had done so much research. I recently read the Mike Nichols biography.

Have you read that? I read sections of it. I heard it's incredible. I was thinking about you the entire time I read it. I just kept thinking, Cooper has to be obsessed with this book. And again, I was a Philistine on him. Everyone in New York knows about Mike Nichols. It's like a very elevated, same with Lenny Bernstein. And Leonard Bernstein was godfather to their children. I knew you were

doing the movie and then I was reading the book and then I was learning that Mike hung out with him in Martha's Vineyard all the time. And then of course I got more interested in Leonard Bernstein because this new guy I'm obsessed with, Mike Nichols, was somehow connected to him and sharing something. But again, I don't know what parts of that book you read, but he was like fucking smoking crack during a lot of these movies. I know. And then addicted to this benzo that made him go crazy for a year. And he sold everything he owned because he thought he was going broke.

I mean, this motherfucker was on a ride while making all these incredible things. And I didn't even know he had been the most legendary comedian of his day. What? I know. Nichols and most legendary comedian of his day. What? I know. Nichols and May. Insane. Yes. So to me, I was like, oh, these two feel very similar in that they're doing everything.

Somehow Mike Nichols is the best Broadway director, but he's also doing movies. And he was the most inventive comedian with May. And fucking smoking crack. And a father. And married to Diane Sawyer. Makes me so fascinated with her. And beloved. Totally.

That's the key. But that was at a time when you could be. I don't know about now. Given his lifestyle, you mean? Yeah, and just that we don't like keeping people on top now. Oh, interesting. We want him to be that, but then we'd love to tear him down at this point if he was happy now. What's your relationship to that?

People wanting people to fall. Do you agree with that? Yeah. I don't think anyone's nefarious or malicious. I think that we are all blueprinted to tell stories. And when someone gets to the very top, we need a third act. So unless they can get higher. Yeah.

I think in general, people are like, well, what's next? And status monkeys, you get tired of seeing the same people on top and it feels unjust and unfair. And so let's use our power to take them down. I think it's rough. What do you think about it? I never thought of it. It's always so interesting to hear your point of view.

This idea of just needing more of a story because then it gets stale. I look at it from a different point of view. My own lens, which is I don't want to be alone. And I do think that's a deep need. I mean, we're social animals. Exactly. Period. There's nothing easier to connect with somebody by putting somebody else down, right? That's the old thing. You and I can shit on somebody that we know and we'll feel like, oh, look how connected we are. It won't last long. Let me applaud you. And I have given you credit on here many times. You are actually the person that pointed that out to me.

I can remember so clearly three things you've said to me. One was when someone's talking shit about someone else to me, it tells me more about them than the person they're talking shit about. I was like, ugh. That opened up a whole world to me. One was my own vanity. Other people are onto what Cooper's saying. I'm just exposing myself.

Two, I started noticing I do it to point out a virtue of my own. If I'm on set and I go like, oh, where's Mike? 15 minutes behind, I guess. If I say that, I'm saying I'm on time. And I actually won't move through the world bragging about myself for being on time. So once I just connect the pieces of what I'm really doing, then I don't have an appetite for it anymore. And I've discovered so many traits of my behavior that I didn't even realize until this foundation thing, this new story we are telling ourselves that's more close to the truth. And I laugh at my boundary-less behavior. And I think like, oh, I know what I

was doing. I had justified it all because I'm honest. That whole thing. Well, I don't lie. It's a little bit more than that. Unless you're lying to yourself. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. You might be telling the truth all the time. Your truth is totally wrong. And I could feel it myself. It's so much easier to shit on somebody and connect. And I feel like this new reality that's out there that has been cultivated for years. When we first started being in this business, I think it's the inception of it with like message boards. You know, I remember back in the day. Your story with message boards is so fantastic. But I think that was the beginning of it. And now if you're part of a school council, you can go and read the comment. Like it's everywhere. Everybody has their own little

pocket of Hollywood and has to sustain a level of humanity or just sustenance given the amount of slings and arrows that they can read about themselves on a daily basis. What saddens me is that it's the easiest way to connect with people by putting other people down. That's kind of sweet though. When you actually frame it that way, it gives me sympathy for the two monkeys talking shit on the third monkey. It's like, oh, I see. They want companionship. This seems like the easiest way. But it's still hurtful. Oh God, yeah. But my goal is to hopefully give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It's very they want companionship this seems like the easiest way but it's still hurtful oh god yeah but my goal is to hopefully give everyone the benefit of the doubt

it's very hard for me a lot of times but when you frame it that way it actually allows me to be a little sympathetic to it yeah because I can relate to it it's not like these people are monsters and I'm a good guy it's I don't want us as a collective to go into that base easy way of communicating

because all it's going to do is cannibalize ourselves because everybody's going to start feeling horrible about themselves. Suicide rates are going to skyrocket. Drug use. And we're going to get lost. To grow takes work and not easy work. And it never ends. Yeah, bad news.

But when you work hard and people are working hard around you and love is the actual tool, I can't believe that this movie got made the way it did. There was a tremendous amount of adversity, but there were enough people filled with love that made this film. And that's the only reason that it was able to become what it is. And that I know for a fact until I don't know it, which is you and I undertake something and we work hard and we approach it with love. I don't know what we're capable of achieving. Because we're doing it together, I don't know where the ceiling is. That's really exciting. We're a multiplicate. But if I do it on my own, I know I'll never get to where I could get if I'm surrounded by people that are all

working together. This ability to connect with each other so quickly, globally, as a collective, we have so much opportunity. It just saddens me that the negative aspect of it is also so destructive because it's the easiest yeah well it's incredible do you know what you're gonna do next yeah oh fun i watched it and when it ended i was like i don't know where he musters up another i want to talk to you about it offline i'm very curious what you're gonna think because i always love your perspective well thank you i also need to just point out it doesn't have anything to do with maestro but of course in my research i watch your most recent phalan you guys have the most special thing it's so fun to watch i can't believe

how fun it is to watch you two i'm glad you fucking just love going there yeah you are so calm when you're there it's incredible you've got like these very low energy counter punches that are so great the whole time you're never in a hurry it's very very Bill Murray when you're there. What do you think it is about that relationship? Does it exist outside of the show? I don't really know him outside the show that well at all. Like, zero. Wow. Did you see the most recent one? I don't know if I saw the most recent. Oh my god.

I don't know if it's an in-show promo for these actual glasses. He's got, like, these glasses that you can hit record on at any time. Oh, I did see that. Yes, and they're, like, going back and forth. The glasses, it could probably have gone on for 26 minutes. I don't know. And then we're trying to talk about the high school reunion. You guys can't do anything sincere.

That's what's consistent between the two. It's the chemistry. That's real. Yes, and every time you try to talk about something for real, it cannot be done. And there's something so fucking entertaining about it. Getting back to this story thing I know I keep talking about, but I've noticed as I've gotten older and more present and boundaried, I'm just calmer in my life. And

one way that I really recognize it is how I cry. Because this Love on the Spectrum show, I cried through the whole show. Right, right. Whenever I get emotional in my life, I'm always like, I'm the ugliest crier because my whole body starts to shake like I was never like the one tear guy Like I'm like you sure you want me to cry in the scene? It's gonna be you're gonna feel very wide now. My body's gonna be very uncomfortable Frame at some point and music is so moving I mean I cried a lot through the research of this movie because I went to so many concerts But that was happening in tandem of all this work I was doing. I cry so differently now.

Oh. My body doesn't convulse. Because you're not trying to squeeze it in so hard. There's just more relaxation. That was one of the byproducts. I recognized that a couple months ago. I was like, tears are just coming down. I'm not like having a seizure. Right. I really think I'm just calmer and more open. It's interesting. And that's kind of a beautiful thing. I was so happy to feel that and recognize what it was because I thought I've never in my life cried like that. Remembering my dad when he would cry, which I never saw until I was like in my twenties, he looked like a baby. First of all, his voice would go three octaves higher because he wasn't open. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You know, it was really interesting. I'm not shocked that we're on a similar crying journey because we've been paralleling each other so perfectly. But yeah, I've become a huge crier in the What Monica last year and a half. Yeah, two years. I cry. We did this show on Fridays where we interview armchairs. Half of them I cry in. I'm just crying all the time now.

There's a person I haven't spent time with. That person's seen me cry probably, I'm not exaggerating. I'm not kidding probably 150 times in the last year and I just need to go like it's bonkers do you have some that always set you off

because I have a very specific thing that seems to set me off it's not sadness it's almost like it's like spirit that breaks through when humanity yes when I see humanity and that's why love on It's almost like spirit that breaks through. Humanity. Yes. When I see humanity. And that's why Love on the Spectrum is like black tar humanity.

You know what I mean? It's just like. Colombian flake. Yeah, for me, it's these documentaries about female singers. Oh, wow. Kristen came into the room about six months ago when the Sinead O'Connor doc came out. And I was sitting in bed watching in the middle of the afternoon. And she came in.

My shirt was wet. I was just bawling. Because this woman, despite everything, would stand there and let it rip. Fuck everything. Open up her throat and the chest and let it rip. And fuck you. I won't let you not let me shine. And I'm like, it's so bad. It's always the same kind of vibe. It's funny to say that as the business has changed, most of what I talked

to Dave Bouliori about is we're going to get another T-Mobile commercial and is Louis Vuitton going to keep us for a watch campaign? That's it. That's literally the discussions. Yes. Well, you're kind of handling the other thing on your own. And it doesn't really bring in revenue. Right. You know, so it's like everything's changed. Oh, I know. And so I was at the Louis Vuitton Paris men's fashion show for that. And Pharrell is the artistic director. And after the show, he brought on a group of musicians from a reservation. So they start singing. And I'm sitting there, you know, with the Louis Vuitton outfit. Trying to represent the brand well. And these men open their mouths and start, like you said, will not be quiet.

Right. And I'm going to show you all the pain is going to come out of my instrument, of my body right now. Because we're wind and string instruments, right? That's what we are. We're both as humans, right? Because we have our vocal cords and air goes through us. So it's like two instruments at once being played through a human voice.

Never thought of that. And bro, luckily, because as I'm getting older, I need glasses, you know? And so think, and I don't know about you, but I'm so happy. Luckily, I need glasses. The glasses are the bad eyesight. And I was like convulsing. But again, I was loose, the bad eyesight. And I was convulsing.

But again, I was loose, so it wasn't hard, but I was like... And just floods of tears. By the way, it wasn't like it took a second. You didn't need a ramp up. They said action. That's right. It was exactly the same thing. Yes.

That someone would be beautiful despite all the fucking voices. Yes. Trying to shame them or embarrass them for being so. Yes. That someone would be beautiful despite all the fucking voices trying to shame them or embarrass them for being so. Yes. It's the greatest. All right, I love Leonard Bernstein. You came around. Oh, Bradley, we really had to let you go.

Yeah, also, shout out to Dave. You just brought him up, but I'm always so flattered. Occasionally, Boogs will text me that he's listened to an episode and it's always so thoughtful and nice of him. Big shout out. I wanted You just brought him up. But I'm always so flattered. Occasionally, Boogs will text me that he's listened to an episode. It's always so thoughtful and nice of him. Big shout out. I wanted to talk about your high school reunion.

I think it's so fascinating you went there, but we don't have time. You got to come back more. I would love to. It's so fun. What percentage of your life is in LA now? 10, 5? Oh, no, 2. We can ever just pull out entirely or no?

I don't want to. Right. And luckily, it's a two-bedroom house. It's okay. But you know, who knows? just pull out entirely or no i don't want to right and luckily it's a two-bedroom house it's okay but you know who knows who knows if uh baton gets the footage of you fucking collapsing at the uh if you want to be an extremely sensitive man louis that's what we want that's what we want that's what we're asking for. You got to go.

I'm getting calls. Okay. Okay. Great. I'll let you go. Did you watch the Beckham doc? I sure did. As I've gotten healthier, I know about less people now. I don't know who's doing great at this or that. I'm not really sure who's succeeding on massive levels. I think it's like a good sign that I'm not tracking anybody. But in that I've also lost, as I've gotten older, people I just am in awe of, and I miss it. And I watch Beckham, and I'm like, thank you. We're back to me seeing Brad Pitt for the first time. Oh, interesting. I want to look like you. I started wearing sweaters and blue jeans again. Oh, that's interesting. I love his tattoos on his neck. I love how he cleans his countertop. And I'm like, oh, good. I got one. I was afraid I couldn't get that anymore.

That's funny. I almost had the opposite reaction where I was like, yeah, everybody's human. Everybody's dealt with adversity. Because my idea, Beckham, is like, oh, the guy, which people I'm sure have said about us. Born and then, you know, everything is easy. They never had a cavity. They don't have to wipe. It's like, oh, yeah, the human experience, again, getting back to that, is filled with strife, period.

Yeah, but if you could look as cool as him while you're going through it. That'd be, oh yeah, the human experience, again, getting back to that, is filled with strife, period. Yeah, but if you could look as cool as him while you're going through it. That'd be dope. Oh my God. All right, I love you. This was so fun. Thanks for having me.

I'm glad you're doing so well. You too. Eyes are banging. Oh, good. Yeah. All right, love you. Love you. Stay tuned for the fact check

so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. No, I was getting my hair cut. Oh, yeah, looks nice. Oh, thank you. Two years younger? One's years younger.

Four's years. Four's years younger. Oh, I just love how the sides feel. Do you like to touch it a lot? I do, I do. I remember when I was younger and the first time I shaved my head. Probably chew a caramel. Oh, wow.

Whoa, I almost caught it. Oh, me too. And I didn't see mine come until right before it hit my face. It's soft. You really believe I'm going to like it. If your problem is that it's like an hour to chew through it, you'll be done in 45 seconds. And should I suck it or chew it? Oh, wow.

It depends on your preference. I mean, I don't know if that makes a difference. I don't know what your kinks are, but if you suck it, it'll last longer. This is the first thing I'm eating today. Is that bad? Yeah, not ideal. I know. Why don't I wait until I eat?

I don't know, but we need it for the pot. I guess this is what work is about. It'll make you hyper for the fact check. No one's going to like what I'm about to say. Uh-oh. Which already, it's too much. Well, it is a big piece.

Well, it's like so sticky. It does taste very good. It's the duck fat. The game is to like chew not all the way. It's like dance it on your molar so it doesn't stick. I kind of like the challenge of it. It tastes so meaty because of the duck fat.

I got to put it away. Oh, you're not going to finish it? I'll finish it later. This is how I feel about caramels. Like I don't going to finish it? I'll finish it later. This is how I feel about caramels. Like, I don't want to finish it. It's going to take me an hour to finish it. How come people not like the sound of that? That sounds so funny.

It's all stuck. It's all stuck in my teeth. I appreciate you trying. I loved mine, but I already knew I loved it. It does taste really good, though. I even broke my sugar for you. Wow. Yeah. That really good, though. I even broke my sugar for you. Wow. Yeah.

That's a big deal. Okay, back to the first time I shaved my head. Okay. I remember, like, submerging my head in a bowl of water. Uh-huh. Like, tipping my head down. For what? I had shaved my head.

I know, okay. And then I, like, wanted to get all the, like, whatever. Residue. Yeah, all the little particles out. Uh-huh. And I wanted to get all the whatever. Residue. Yeah, all the little particles out. And when I dipped my head in, it was one of the craziest sensations of my life. Wow. What did it tell me more?

I don't know what to say other than tickly. Prickles. You know when you get tinglys on your scalp? Like when hair play? Sure, sure, sure. Yeah yeah it was just like putting a dome of hair play on so it's like someone was playing with your hair when you put your head in the water as i was inserting it into the water as the water took over the whole shape i was like oh like i got it the chill like a chill pleasure chill that's what they're called pleasure chills wow yeah i really miss that.

But not worth shaving my head again. That was part of my downfall in junior high when I got too close to the sun. You flew too close to the sun? I thought I could pull anything off and I couldn't. I know. It really will expose how big your nose is when you shave your head. Did we ever address the fact that we did the nose swap we posted? Oh, I don't think we talked about it. Yeah, it was pretty concluded. Well, first of all, a lot of people

were like, oh my God, I couldn't figure out what was going, what was wrong with that photo, which is funny. But also it did prove, I think once and for all that my nose is three times the size of yours because your nose looked tiny on my face and mine looked enormous. But okay, but this is a false. Negative? Negative. Because obviously your nose is bigger than my nose because your face is bigger than my face because you're a bigger person than me. Okay. It's about proportions. And I think proportionally my nose on my face is at least the same if not bigger than yours on your face. Well. Well.

Yeah. Agree to disagree. And now there's no way. We need another system because we thought that was going to prove it. And your nose was a button nose on my face. Well, obviously. I mean, also the angle of the picture. I was like, oh, wow, that would be a.

I can do another one. I intentionally did not resize noses. Normally, if I'm doing like a face swap, I'll try to make it proportionate. I have a new idea. Okay. Let's do molds of our nose. And then we will be able to hold the mold up. In your case, you'll be able to put my nose completely over yours is my guess.

Okay. But again, this is the same problem. Because you're talking proportionate. Yes. So what we need to do is we need to measure from the top of our hairline to our chin. But that's a little unfair because I'm a male and have more of a receding hairline. But this is all part of it. I guess, visually.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, yes, we do need to do a full ratio. Can we use your penis mold that you posted to do a nose mold? Well, I don't know. I kind of want to save it for a penis. Sure, sure. I don't think I'm ready to give that up yet.

And that was the only one on planet Earth. Yeah. Yes, Drive Away Dolls the movie, which I haven't seen yet. That's a movie promotion? Yeah. Oh, interesting. It's a Coen, yeah, Ethan Coen. It's a Coen Brothers movie?

Yeah. And they're handing out penis? Yes, of course. Well, I don't know, of course. That sounds very risque for the Coen Brothers. Oh, don't you think? To me, it sounds so accurate. Oh, okay.

Because they're funny. They are funny, but they're also classic. They're also not saying, even though we've talked about this before, because you said, well, when it's one, it's actually both. But they're not saying it's the Coen brothers. They're saying it's Ethan, I think. Yeah, it's just Ethan. Bradford, Vermont. Brad from Vermont?

Bradford, Vermont. Oh, that's the location. Yes. I thought it was your friend Bradford, Vermont. Brad from Vermont. From Vermont. Well, that's the location. Yes. I thought it was your friend Bradford, Vermont. Brad Vermont. From Vermont. Yeah. Like this is what basketball players will do. Like Susie Denver, Tiffany Sarasota. What do you mean? Because they go to a city to play basketball and they meet a Jennifer. Oh, you mean in their phone? In their phone. Yes, yes, yes. Oh, 100%. I thought you had a Brad Vermont. Oh, that'd be cool.

I was like, oh, this is so exciting. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, people do that. They go to places, they hook up, and they put in the name. They don't know the last name. Even if they knew the last name, they know in three months the last name won't ring a bell. Exactly. And I think more ambitious and prolific some of these players got.

I think there had to be more adjectives because I think there were multiple Jennifers from Denver. And then so sometimes it's Jennifer Denver red hair, freckle on nose. Oh, my God. I think you're also giving them a lot of credit because I think they just didn't even put the name in. They might not have put the name in. I don't know. It looks like so his wife wrote it a while ago. Okay.

The script was conceived several decades ago. Oh, several decades ago. Yeah, by his wife. And she edited a bunch of their earlier movies. Wonderful. And then he was, Ethan explained, me and Joel would never have made this movie. It would not have happened. I don't think me and Joel would have written a romantic comedy about two female leads.

Here's the funny thing. I think 20 years ago we could have gotten an important lesbian movie made, but this is an unimportant lesbian movie. That just didn't compute then. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. This is an unimportant lesbian movie. That's really funny.

Also, Matt Damon's in it for a quick hot second. Oh, he's got a pop? Mm-hmm. Who are the leads? Beanies in it? Margaret Qualley. I mean, did I say Margaret? Yeah.

I was like, this is a fresh face. Introducing Margaret Qualley. Margaret Qualley. Okay. Beanies in it. Anyway. Okay. When I saw- I got my penis in the mail yes and it is exciting

yes now let me ask you mold i have to mold someone's penis yeah no here's a here's a fun question for everyone okay i would be very flattered if someone asked me for the mold this is like so like would you feel comfortable just asking like Matt Damon? Like, would you mind molding your penis? Right. Because if I were him, I would feel so flattered. It's such a compliment. That's what I wonder.

Like, how inappropriate is it. To request. To ask like. Jimmy to ask Matt for you. Yeah. Oh, wow. To ask a best boy. To ask another best you. Yeah. Oh, wow. To ask a best boy, to ask another best boy.

Yeah. If he'll just like make a little mold for me. I mean, this is- Don't say a little mold because that might trigger him to not want to do it. A big mold. Or he'll really want to because he'll want to show it's- It's a big mold. Or maybe it's a little.

That's fine. Yeah, I know. I don't care. Everything's fine. I'm just telling you, if you approach the dude and say, I want a little mold, I can just promise you that the boy will- I can't help you. Wish can only do big molds. If you want a big mold, call back.

Okay, but this is sort of similar to the question of like, can I have just a little bit of your sperm also? Is that also a question? Yeah, because we talked about this on Race to 35 with Andrew Huberman. Oh, right. How would you feel if someone asked for your sperm to be a donor? That to me, well, we've talked about this under maybe a different guise. No one asking me. Well, we've talked about this under maybe a different guise, no one asking me.

But just that would be a no for me because I couldn't handle knowing that a child of mine was alive and I wasn't helping. I know. But a penis of mine out there. You don't care. Giving pleasure to somebody. You love that. Some guy or girl who, you know. Yeah, maybe both. Maybe it gets passed around.

Who knows? Maybe it's a group party everyone has. Right. Sounds unhygienic. Well, I'm sure they could figure out the- I don't think you're really thinking much about hygiene when you're in an orgy. Yeah, by the way, if you're worried about hygiene in an orgy, get out of the orgy. It's not for you.

It's not for you. Well, I don't think it's for me for that reason. Sure. And that's great. Well, I don't want to say never. But you can have your cake and eat it too. I agree. Right.

So everyone's got to be honest about what's happening. Well, you can have cake and eat it too if you have cake at the orgy. But ironically, that might lead to more infections than anything anyone else was fearful of. But it tastes so good. Yeah. Yeah, I do think like high school kids wound up with UTIs and stuff because they got a little too adventurous with the food and stuff. Of course. They were smearing on each other.

Yeah. Yeah. UTIs. stuff, because they got a little too adventurous with the food and stuff. Of course. They were smearing on each other. Yeah. Yeah. UTIs. They'll get you. Okay, so back to the mold. Penis. The penis mold. Yeah.

Who are your, you're gonna send three emails. Oh my God. Yeah. What? Yeah, three emails. Of anyone in the whole world? Yep.

Emails that would go directly to them, like not like- That's right, not to their people. Not to the people. Jimmy to the, that's wasting two. No, you've got a direct line. Okay. Emails that would go directly to them. That's right. Not to their people. Not like Jimmy to the, that's wasting too. You've got a direct line. Okay. Hey, it's Monica.

I got this really fun thing. It's a penis mold. And I was just thinking of like, whose penis would I want a mold of and yours? So if you're up for it, I'll send it over. Okay. And I have another, one more question. Yeah. Am I allowed to send it to three people, three different, am I allowed to collect three?

No, my thought here is just like, you're going to mail to multiple colleges. Oh, I see. And one acceptance. Yes. I'm going to accept one. Okay. Okay. I feel like we know two of them.

I know. That's why like three is a small number. Okay. You want to do five? Yeah. Okay. Let's do five. Because then two we know. Yep. Matt and Ben, let's why like three is a small number. Okay, you wanna do five? Yeah. Okay, let's do five. Cause then two we know. Yep, Matt and Ben, let's just reiterate because your first episode of Armchair Expert,

Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are number one and two males sent not in that order, no particular order. No particular order, those two, that would be so interesting to see the difference between those two penises do you think you can tell oh that's a great question i think i like in my heart i feel like i i do think i could tell me too i already feel like i can imagine what they look like sure sure me too wow yeah okay those two i think i feel like you're playing longer than you i think you Me too. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Those two. I feel like you're playing longer than you.

I think you know immediately. No, I don't. Oh, you don't? I really don't. Okay, okay. Because look, this is not like. Let's not get into the reality. I know what you're about to say. What?

Who really wants this penis anyways? Oh, no, I wasn't going to say that. Oh, okay, okay. I was going to say it's different than like who do I want to get married to. Of course. So it's. This is whose dick do I want to get married to? Of course. So it's. This is whose dick do you want inside of you? Yeah.

Which is very specific. Yes. Maybe. Can I suggest one? Yeah. Carmelo Anthony. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah.

Because your fucking pants exploded when he was sitting here. They did. Again, if you're new to the podcast, your first episode. Monica's wardrobe literally broke in two places while we were doing the interview. The crotch ripped right out and your buttons popped. They really did. I know, it's insane. Just from sitting.

Yes. Yeah, so that's a good, that's actually a really good pick. Okay, great. I think my body is gonna respond well. Yes, yes, clearly. As has already been demonstrated. And if anyone's married or girlfriended up with these people or you consent in this like whole thing well that's the thing

so like if anyone wanted a mold of my penis again it'd be super flattering and great obviously my first question would have to be like hold on i've got to ask my wife if I'm allowed to make a mold. You would never ask her that. Well, I'd have to ask her that. No, you just have to say no, because you know that she would not want that. Let me paint a scenario. I bet you I can paint a scenario. Virtually, we get a letter from Dame Judi Dench.

Oh, okay. And she's like, I hope this isn't inappropriate, but I was watching something and it occurred to me I would love to have a mold of Dax's penis. If this is offensive, my apologies. She's so polite. Yes, and playful and fun, and you don't feel like everything's great. So Dame Judi Dench requests a mold of my penis. I would say to Kristen, hey, I got this email from judy dench i'm inclined to make her one okay and i have a hunch she'll say yes kristen would say yes i think you're right yes but realistically

it depends on the person i know which is funny because that just proves how arbitrary in your head it is. It would depend on the person for you if she was molding her pussy. It would. It would. Well, for sure. Like you probably wouldn't want Mike to have access to that. Oh, interesting. I have a sliding scale. Like this has already happened in real life in the past, which is I have a ton of variety of friends.

I've had varying levels of them being inappropriate with girlfriends I've had. Sure. And there are certain friends of mine that I saw more predatorial than others. Bree and I used to play this game. We walk in and we're banging X. What's the reaction? I love this. Yeah.

Yes. And so always like if I walked in and Nate and her were making love, I'd be like, I'm kind of happy for both of them. Yeah. You know? You used to say that about Chris and Nate too. Yeah. I say in and Nate and her were making love, I'd be like, I'm kind of happy for both of them. Yeah. You used to say that about Kristen and Nate, too. Yeah, I say that about Nate. Nate's allowed to make love to anyone. Okay.

Now, hold on. I want to deep dive into this. Yes, because I want to make clear, it's not pity, because Nate's a stud. That's what I was about to say, because if I heard that about me, I would take that poorly. Oh, right. You would think it would mean you're not threatening. Exactly. That's what I was about to say, because if I heard that about me, I would take that poorly. Oh, right. You would think it would mean you're not threatening. Exactly. That's not it.

So I'm glad we're getting into the granular details of this. Every girl likes Nate. Yeah, he's very attractive. Yes, and his personality is like the greatest of all time. Yeah. But he would never, ever make anyone uncomfortable, or he's just not like a hungry, predatorial type. Yeah, you feel like he's safe. He's so safe.

Yes, yes. And he would never cross. Run away with them. He's not trying to get what I have so he feels better about himself. Right. I can isolate when people are trying to get what I have so they can feel above me or superior to me. Oh, as opposed to just being attractive. Yeah, that's not really it. Yep. Isolate when people are trying to get what I have so they can feel above me or superior to me. Oh, as opposed to just being attracted.

Yeah, that's not really it. Yep. And so. So you're okay with people just being very attracted to her. Yes. But having nothing to do with you. Yes. And I told you, there was a very weird hookup, Freudian slip. There was a very weird hiccup in my open relationship with brie yeah which is like i

didn't care i was not jealous but there were a couple different people over nine years or i just felt like dude on dude when i was around them i was like this is more about you trying to alpha me and like something male to male happened that had nothing to do with whether or not i cared they did something and i didn't know about it. And you felt, did you kind of feel like protective of Bree? It was a challenge to me. Like, is it even a, like, do you even like her? Right.

And there's just a couple different dudes that I felt like, oh, this is more of a challenge to me. Interesting. And then that became a completely separate issue, but one that did make me. Interesting. Against the notion. Okay. Yeah. There's a, certainly a ton of people that did make me against the notion. Okay. Yeah, there's certainly a ton of people that I guess I wouldn't care, and then there's a bunch of people I would not want.

Yeah, and same for her, right? Right. That's the whole point. Well, I do wonder, this is what we don't know. Is there anyone she'd be like, yeah, that's okay? That's what I'm saying. I'm inclined to say, yeah. Like, definitely this Dame Judi Bench example I think is a really good one.

Like Meryl Streep. But you know what? Oh, Meryl Streep. Yeah. I don't know if she'd want that. That's a good one. I don't know if she'd want that. I'll ask her.

Yeah. Okay. The reason I feel like the answer is no is because even the idea of asking her this type of question, I feel like she's not gonna like this okay yeah it doesn't need to be asked yeah yeah even the judy dench example because she'll be like why do you need to do that these questions like it starts getting out of control you know like they're a snowball why do you need your penis to be out there in the world? Right.

And what would you say? Okay, I'd have two things. One would be she asked for it. Yeah. Dame Judi Dench asked for it. Yes. And then I would be honest and go like, I find it very flattering and I like the idea that she wants that. Yes.

And she would say, that's mine. Uh-huh. That penis is mine. Yeah. And she would say, that's mine. Uh-huh. That penis is mine. Yeah. And I'd go, okay. Yeah. Yeah. But I would own that I feel very flattered by that.

Of course. I think a lot of people would. I mean, I would if anyone wanted to mold a biface. Oh, my God. I would love it. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

That'd be very, very flattering. But the conversation I'm having now about all this with Kristen is like, now you're getting into this very, very interesting and dynamic spectrum of what is cheating. Exactly. Which is like never-endingly fascinating. It is. There are so many things for some couples that would be just cheating that are not not for others right you know oh i mean everyone kind of gets to set their standard is this would be to a lot of people this would be cheating which is funny because it's not cheating the person's like never even touched the person they didn't witness any of the stuff now if it

escalated to like i now i'd like to show you a video of me using it. Now we're getting, now we're definitely, we're inching closer and closer. That's, yeah, I think most people would. Still not cheating to me. Well, to most people it is. Yeah, I believe you're right

that a lot of people would be, but like if I walked in and Kristen was watching a video of a guy jacking off that he had sent her that on DM. That she knows? Yeah, it wouldn't be cheating. The fact that she watched it,

she was curious and wanted to watch it. I don't, for me, that doesn't constitute cheating. Because like, what's the difference between that and pornography? So now we've drawn a line between you can watch pornography, but if you know one of the actors in the pornography,

then that's an issue. So that's just a very arbitrary and interesting line. No, if you know them and you talk to them in life and you're around them in life, it's much different than a stranger. Well, is it different than her just watching once or what do you catch her like three weeks later

watching the same? Watching it and masturbating it? Yeah. Okay, great. So this is what I'm suggesting. So like, yeah, on the surface, you're like, oh my God, she's jerking off to this dude that she knows.

But like, if I walk in and she's jerking off watching pornography, the physical reality is identical. She's having a fantasy about other people to climax. And so what I'm really saying is like, I don't mind her imagining being with these people sexually to climax by herself. But I mind if she's watching someone she knows to climax okay so that seems

like an obvious line until you think i don't think i have a right to tell her she's not allowed to masturbate in her head about people she knows yeah you don't you can't so all we've added is like a video component like i'm fine with her masturbating to people she knows and then i'm fine with her masturbating to people she knows. And then I'm fine with her masturbating to videos of its pornography. So weirdly, I don't think it's as clear cut. But it is. Well, it's not clear cut. Again, everyone's making their own rules for this. But it is crossing an emotional line.

If someone is sending a video that they made for the person. But let's just say she's never sent anything back. She's just consumed it. Now, where it gets, now I think you add another layer is like,

I walk in and she's FaceTime masturbating with somebody she knows. Then that's like time to chat. Right? Yeah.

I mean, look, again, and we need to, you're an anomaly and most people are very uncomfortable, would be extremely uncomfortable. And I'm not judgmental of those people. I would ask them to not be judgmental of me back.

Yeah, you have your own opinions. Yeah, I'm just not terribly threatened by that stuff. Right. I mean, but emotional shit mixed with physical shit. It's the, I think. It was Mike Schur. No, I was just kidding. I already said this on his episode, so I don't even feel bad saying it again.

Like her and Mike Schur going to a book conference in Pennsylvania for two days. That's way more problematic to me than her masturbating, watching a video. Of him that he sent her? Because that means when they go anywhere together, Yeah, it is, it is, it is. the chances of them really crossing the line are much higher.

But again, I'm threatened by Mike's philanthropic good nature. Yeah, but- The thing I can't compete with. That's the thing that threatens me is what I can't compete with. But don't you think part of why she would be masturbating to him.

It's because of the books. It is. It's because of his whole package. It's not his sexuality. That's, I think one thing, again, that's different between men and women. Women are not necessarily, which is why back to the original premise of this whole thing where I'm picking these penises, right? But I'm thrilled you're actually excited about this. Because I could even see you saying like, well, I don't care about the penis.

That's where I thought you were going to go at one point. Well, I am sort of getting there now, unfortunately. But like that's the truth about women. You're attracted to the. I keep forgetting. I'm so sorry. It's okay. Every time you're making a point, I keep forgetting. I'm so sorry. It's okay. Every time you're making a point, I'm like.

You're attracted to the whole piece and the personality and the connection and those things. Yeah. Skyrocket the sexuality to a much different level. Of course. That is threatening. Although women do watch pornography in enormously high numbers. Totally.

But I think they're picturing. They're projecting a personality onto them. Yes, like I don't think it's just. That's probably true because I project onto them. And in fact, this is, I've already talked about this too. But again, if it's your first time, great. This will be your first time hearing it. Welcome to Armchair Expert.

Yes, welcome. I hope you're enjoying it. Not normally this pervy, but also it is sometimes this pervy. When I'm looking through the options for pornography. Even though you don't often look at porn. I don't. And I think I've been so honest this whole time. I hope people will believe me.

Yeah. I think some people watch porn every day. I watch porn like probably twice a month I'll watch porn. Okay. Right? 24 times a year I'll do it. Okay. I forget it's even a thing.

Right. When I do and I'm scrolling through these pages, like when I'm on high, like I know from listening to Stern, guys are like, they like stepsister porn or they like babysitter porn. Right. You know, they have a genre they like. Right. I like porn where I actually think the girl's super into it and getting off. Right. And I'm like, I'm scanning to try to evaluate whether I think this woman's enjoying it or not.

That's nice. Because my projection is like giving tons of pleasure in being validated as being good and all that stuff. Yeah. But yes, so ultimately I'm projecting, yeah, we are, I guess. I'm at least searching to find the thing I think that matches what I'm- What you want in life.

So maybe like the women who have a personality type are like, they're scanning through and then that guy looks like a jock. I don't like that. This guy looks like a- Yeah, probably. Or I just think it's more

a whole blown out fantasy versus just sexual pleasure. Like, yeah, the physicality of it. There's more, there's more happening with women. As we learned,

responsive and or spontaneous arousal people. Vanessa Marin. Yeah, she's been getting, arousal people. Vanessa Marin. Yeah, she's been good. I mean, people love that episode. It was a great episode. It was a great episode. If you're first time listening, go back and listen to that one.

Okay, well, I still haven't picked my penises. Yeah, yeah, okay. So we have three of the five. Yeah, we have three of the five. I want Brad Pitt's. Okay, great. Yeah. That's the kind, you know what's funny is if you had this

penis collection i can only imagine there'd be one that when girlfriends came over you'd be like you want to see brad pitts you probably have it in a lucite box and like show people yeah yeah maybe some lighting if we interview him i'm gonna ask him not for you but i'm gonna ask him has anyone asked you to make a mold of your penis? And then is it something you would do for somebody? Okay. Because that seems like a pretty good interview question. I feel like maybe he should have put this out there because then he was definitely not coming on. Okay.

And then, and obviously I'm not like, no one in my life is on my list. Like I'm intentionally like no one in my life is on my list. Right, I'm intentionally like, no one in my life is on my list. Right, don't feel. Like, Charlie is not on the list. Yeah, don't have your feelings hurt Ryan. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you said Rob.

No, Rob's in my life. He can't be on the list. The looping guy? I was just thinking about him. You were considering him. I was considering him. Or Donald Glover. I was considering him too yeah yeah

i know okay here's the other problem yes donald just because they have the personality exactly doesn't mean it's an ideal dildo correct and like he's so sexy but his dick on its own is not so sexy. It just is. Now we're back to, yeah. That is why Ben and Matt are so. Premium? Yeah, really. Because I have so much emotional connection to those. Yes. Yeah, you'll hold it and you'll be like, oh, I'm holding his pants.

Yeah. Wow. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Even Carmelo is not that. Right. Except I do think. That's more like I think you are visceral, erotic. I get excited because I know.

Yeah, primal. Yeah. The way your clothes exploded. I'm only going to send out three emails. Wow. Well, wait. So Donald, no. And Lupin, no.

I think no. And Brad Pitt, no. Oh, yeah. oh, four. Four, that's great, you got 80%. I'm gonna think about the fifth. I wanna pick someone weird for you. Okay. Like, I want you to do like a genius.

Why? Because maybe there's something special about the genius. Oh, you just wanna see what it looks like? And I think you could like dial into exactly what we're talking about with Ben and Matt. Like, have you had Einstein's penis. Oh, oh, we can do ghosts. But no, but I use them as an example of like someone that might be thrilling or.

Oh, you know who I'd want to do if it was a ghost? Shakespeare's penis. Who's? JFK Jr. Right. You'd love that. Yeah. Hold it.

Hold it. It's just like so waspy it's such a waspy the mold was one color but it comes out like translucent white oh my god or or oh i should never mind do it i was to say like someone from high school who I wanted badly. That's good. And then I felt bad saying that because then it felt like a teenage dick, but they're adults now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think I would be like so mean to that one.

Oh, you would? Yeah. You slam it in the door? Yeah, because it was. Because it didn't. Yeah. They never gave it to me. You would hate fuck that one. Oh, you would? You'd slam it in the door? Yeah, because it didn't... They never gave it to me. You would hate fuck that one. Yes. Exactly. This is incredible.

It's incredible. It is a... Okay, look. It's a ding, ding, ding because this is for Bradley Cooper, a very coveted... Where most people would want a copy of his dick. Yes. And I ruled him out because it didn't feel appropriate for this. Yeah, that's good.

That's smart. Okay. One of the facts is when Bradley says, and you said it too, but it's like him disliking his face. Oh, uh-huh. Which I believe him, right? Like he's not lying. He's not. That's true.

But it's like a little bit. It's like when like. When Bezos feels broke. No, but when models go on talk shows and say they were tomboys. And you're a little like, oh, God. Like you can't. I know what you're saying, but I think it's different because I think he's not pretending he was a dork in high school. Some of these really hot, look, there was an Amy Schumer sketch about it.

Exactly. It's a famous, great one. Yes. It's a well-worn thing. I was, no guys like me, and I was like a gaming nerd. That, I think, is a lie. But the problem, I don't think it's fair for us to say that. I don't think it's fair.

I know, it's just, but there was so many. I know. There was so many i know there was so many that there was a sketch about it so i definitely think they they know it's easy to hate someone as beautiful as them and it just feels like less you would hate them less if you found out that they were an awkward duckling for a while that's what we are saying like i don't know i just it gives me a little compassion for those women who we've now, like, made, we have, like, made jokes about, like, oh, God. Like, they're saying they're a tomboy or that, yeah, they look ugly ducklings. But they probably were.

Sure, that's possible. I think it's funny because when Bradley Cooper, who objectively. Got sexiest man alive. Exactly. Is saying he doesn't like the way he looks it just is reminiscent to me of when a model goes on a talk show and says they were a tomboy so what's interesting though is like it's funny oh yeah i see your point i recognize your point i don't see it the same if ashton was doing that that to me would be identical to the models from CW doing it.

There is a class of dudes. If Josh Duhamel was saying it and Ashton was saying it and some of these other like pretty boy models were saying it, I think for me it would also file into the category of the crazy hot actresses who have done it. I think it's also hard. You've been friends with him. You've been friends with him. You've been friends with him for so long. And you've been on the ride. Yeah, yeah. I think it might be hard for you to see.

I'm trapped in his lower status. Yeah, I think so. I'm glad I am, I guess. No, you should be. Yeah, we met like trying to claw our way into that number seven on the call sheet of wedding crashers so it's just different when people just when he just appears on the scene no i think a lot

coming down the escalator yeah and it's like who is this person yeah powerful powerful now i wonder if what he would admit because i would like to hear it from him, and I've never even asked him. I'd like to know if he does acknowledge he has an animal magnetism, because I could see him not liking his face, but recognizing, yeah, somehow I do have a major power over girls. I think he... He has to know that.

Well, I don't think so, based on what he was saying about Leonard and like his magnetism and his weapons. Yeah. He was saying it, not like I can relate type of. My take from that was that he doesn't recognize that he's him, that he also has all those weapons and does have a magnetism that people are just very drawn to. Okay. So the Catalyst suit he talks about that he works out in. Yes.

It's Catalyst with a K. Yes. It has EMS technology. Electromagnetic surge. And yeah, you wear it. It's FDA cleared for consumer use. Custom suit sizing. Machine washable textiles.

Oh, wow. Unlike your donuts from the Apple. Well, they just arrived, by the way. I did my first meditation this morning with the new donuts on. Exciting. And you know what I decided to do is go two-tone. So I have the green ones, but then I got the silvery white donuts. Oh, wow.

And I like how it looks. Nice. I like that. Yeah. Cool. Okay. And I put the green ones in the dishwasher. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Yuck. We're sitting in there right now waiting to be blasted. Wait, did you really? Yeah. Dax. What? It's going to make everything so stinky in there. In the dishwasher?

Yes. Oh, I don't think so. It's like a nuclear bomb goes off in those things. Okay. Okay. Well, it says you can do a full body workout in 20 minutes with zero compromises. Oh, wow. Good, because I hate compromising. Yeah. So that's that. Okay. The reality TV show that you wondered if he was talking about, but he wasn't, is called Naked Attraction. That's the one where the- Penises are-

Everything gets exposed. Right. Okay, now you know what's interesting. I'm now gonna join your side of the street a little bit. Okay. Which is I watched an episode of that or something. What I can relate to is I haven't seen the person yet. Oh, it's not remotely sexy.

No, like I see the vagina and I'm like, yeah, I just don't know what it's attached to. I'm not willing yet to. Interesting, yeah. So you realize it is subjective and tied together to some degree. It is. Yeah. Okay.

Why can kids be around dad's poop? Did you get some info on this? I asked Adam Grant. Oh. If he could help me. If he could point me in the right direction. Okay. He gave me... This is too PG-13 for

him. Did he like immediately bristle? I said I'm sorry. I said I have a pretty disgusting fact to check. Dax said his kids often come into the bathroom to tell him things while he's going to the bathroom and they don't seem to care about the smell. Our guests had the same situation with their kid. I wondered if there was some sort of evolutionary explanation for this.

Do you know anyone who could answer this? I'm sorry to rope you into this very gross inquiry. And then he responded with, like, this face. Yeah, exactly. Like a yikes, but also a laughing face. Okay. And then he gave me little this, a little that. And then he gave me an email of someone at Yale.

So that's TBD. I haven't. Oh, okay, great. So this is kind of going to be a multi-part exploration. Also, when I just did this, it reminded me, in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Yeah. She looks at, she does your thing. Oh, I know.

I know. She looks in the mirror and makes this horrifying face. She does looks at, she does your thing. Oh, I know. I know. She looks in the mirror and makes this horrifying face. great things in that show. Yeah. She's so good. She is. I love when Mr. and Mrs.

Smith gets into race stuff. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. You just don't see it. Everyone's pretending that people talk different than they do.

he gets to tell that side of it, you know? Yeah. And she gets to tell the Asian side. Exactly. But I'm just refreshed because like these are the real fucking conversations couples have about everybody. Like no one's putting their best foot forward to appear good in public and not get canceled.

Right. And you just don't see it on TV anymore. And it's kind of maddening because I know what real life is about. Couples talk about race. They talk about everything yeah okay there's the five minutes of history of music leonard oh fuck i forgot to look that up yeah i was gonna play it but this is going long okay so check that out on your own time okay if this is your first episode we don't normally give homework so don't think this is standard but sometimes i do probably one in about as frequently as i watch pornography so once twice a month maybe you'll get homework okay um

oh he says skadoosh when he's talking about his um meditation pose and that's from Kung Fu Panda. Right. That's it. I want to say for the record, I deeply, deeply enjoyed this interview. Yeah, me too. And it really stuck with me and it really made some things click for me. And it's one of my favorite chats I've had with Bradley. Well, just like stuff that then I brought into therapy to kind of discuss and I just like like he you know when I bring up all the stuff of like it's hard for me to watch a guy that I'm on a spectrum of and these are my qualities I hate and to hear that he like he had no defensiveness against that he was very much like

oh yeah I have the same kind of thoughts and i've obviously he's been thinking about it for two years and i've been thinking about it for 36 hours and so kind of like once again his his synthesis of it maybe his compassion he has for that person was just kind of i liked observing it i was great yeah i thought it was it was nice you know coupe has a history i have to acknowledge of like every five years he kind of he has a little pearl of wisdom I end up using a lot yeah you know I never even finished my list it occurred to me after the end of the interview I said something like that you've taught me three actually can you share because I can't remember the third but the first one right was was it about people talking bad about other

people? Yes. Yeah. So that one was really a light bulb moment. The other was while in a relationship, not Kristen, him teaching me how to acknowledge what fear this situation is really bringing up. Cause I would say the whole fight and he would say, wow, say, wow, if a woman said that to me, I would be feeling very less than, or I'd be feeling very this and that. And I really couldn't think that way yet. That was 18 years ago or something. I was so stuck on that was a mean thing to say say to me or that was objectively bitchy or cruel. And I didn't then think, well, probably that same statement wouldn't affect someone else that had a different set of fears. So why does that affect me?

Like adding the piece of like, why is that so impactful to me? What fear do I have? And then like him encouraging me to say to that person, when you said X, it brought up this fear in me and I am very insecure about this. And like, that's the impact. And that felt like if I were to have ever done that in front of a woman, she'd be so put off by me being weak and vulnerable that she'd be out the door. And it was always the opposite reaction. And I did not think, that was like a paradigm shift for me yeah wow that's that's like the beginning of the whole vulnerability thing maybe yeah

yeah change your life and then i can't articulate the third thing i think i know what it is tell me i think i remember it it was you were saying you were sharing something with him. And then he said, oh, that's why you don't like X. So and so, yes. Because you're him, basically. Yes. That was just a really punch in the nose observation. I already knew that, you know, but I was ignoring that I knew that because I wanted to be judgmental of this person. Right.

I wanted to hold on to that, my moral righteous indignation. No, it was a different situation. I remember it very well. And he was basically pointing out, I felt slighted by somebody very public. And then I was about to be in public and I was going to share that. And I had this all mapped out of why it was fine and why this person deserved that and they shouldn't have acted this way if they didn't want this known, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he listened to this whole story and he's just like, you know, you could totally do that.

He's like, but I do think when you engage in negative, like then everyone just engages with negative around you and you just start this whole swell of negativity. It never ends anywhere positive. Then maybe that person responds and they are now forced to be negative. And it's like, as opposed to putting your energy into starting a project that's negative

and will result in more negativity, why not just ignore it and like talk about the things that are positive and productive. And again, I'm not articulating that one so well, but throughout the course of this conversation we had, it occurred to me, yeah, I don't want to do that. That's why I don't ever shit on movies in here or I don't shit on things. I think that came in 2012, me stopping shitting on things.

That's great. Yeah. I have a theory that I don't think you'd like, right? Which we've talked about it. I think we talked about it last time he was on, that I think he's one of the only people you, what's the word? Really listen to?

Like can hear. Uh-huh, yeah. He's in the Tom Hanson. You butt up against, yeah. here uh-huh yeah he's in the Tom Hanson yeah there's like a very small amount of men I guess well I'll say men that's what it is because I think I actually don't have a hard time hearing women or yeah learning from them yeah yeah I think that's right but yeah I have a real issue with men and there's very few that I just blindly trust that they're telling me something they believe and not that they have an ulterior motive for me. I think you look up to him.

To Bradley? I do think that. I don't see you have that thing a lot with people. You're right. Yeah. You're absolutely right. Yeah. Yeah. It's funny. I don't know why I would be hesitant to say I look up to him because I do. I look up to parts of him. I don't look up to him as an actor. I don't look, you know, I don't look up to him. So I guess I'm like nervous people would think.

But yeah, somehow Tom Hanson synthesizes things in a way that I can hear what he's saying and they penetrate my brain. And Cooper too. And I think, well, I can tell you what both guys share in common, which is they're abnormally truthful about their character defects and their flaws. And so I guess I just trust them a lot more. Yeah, that's great. And I think people who are like really not trying to hide that stuff about themselves, I can hear a lot better. Yeah. I also think it's kind of one of those like we don't always know why.

We don't always know why there are people in our lives who we just like there's something about them that we want to be or like or, it has nothing to do with how much you like or love a person. Yeah, definitely Hanson and Jimmy are like dad figures for me. Yeah. And Cooper's a brother figure for me. Right, right. That's why maybe I'm like, not like, I can't go straight look up, but that's, I don't know why, because I look up to my brother. I looked up to him growing up. Yeah. So yeah, I definitely look up to Cooper. That's my conclusion. I think you're right. Yeah, I think it's nice.

Yeah. It's good to have people to look up to. Yeah. It's an act of humility in a sense. It is. Which is why I'm struggling so hard right now. I know. To think about it.

I know. I know. Yeah, I don't think you want to be in a position where like a pat on the back from nobody would feel special. Yeah. Okay, well, this was fun. Yeah, so don't think you want to be in a position where like a pat on the back from nobody would feel special. Yeah. Okay, well, this was fun. Yeah, so much fun. And welcome for those first-time listeners.

We love having you. Hope you'll stick around and give us another shot. Love you. Bye, love you.