Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Craig Ferguson

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Craig Ferguson is a talk show host, comedian, and podcaster. Craig joins the Armchair Expert to discuss why he carries extra underwear with him, how diverse Scotland is, and his journey into late-night television. Craig and Dax talk about what they have learned in getting older, who the desert fathers were, and their experiences with meditation. Craig explains what made him want to get sober, how he defines attractiveness, and why he wants to talk to people who aren’t comedians.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

welcome welcome welcome to armchair expert wow we're a day out from halloween we're so close oh we're so close it's getting so exciting it is ghouls and goblins are everywhere they abound i have to say in my years of going on late night talk shows a person i i had particular fun and excitement when going to their show was Craig Ferguson. He's very fun. There's no one that was ever more off the cuff and less on script than Craig Ferguson. Yeah. It was a practice in chaos that was so pleasurable if you're an improv person.

He's so funny. He's so funny and he looks so cool. He's got awesome gray hair with a cool spike and a very tight fade. Tats. Tats galore. Yep. He almost looks a little Anthony Bourdain-y. Oh, I could see that.

Yeah. I could see that. Real punk rock. I really liked it. So on Flightless Bird, there's been a new recurring thing that's been happening where David kind of accident. He doesn't know he's doing it, but he's brought up men's arms. Muscular arms, usually. And tattooed arms like multiple times.

Have mine made the mix or? Charlie. Charlie. Well, because fantasy football, so he went to the fantasy football thing. Draft, yeah. Draft. And then he couldn't stop talking about how many male arms were out. Felt gratuitous.

No, I mean, I think he liked it. I think he liked it. It was rousing. And then he brought it up again on another episode, sort of haphazardly. So I think he would have really liked Craig's arms. Oh, sure. Because they were so tatted. He would have been very aroused.

I think he might have. Yes, I think we all were. Craig Ferguson, of course, the late, late show with Craig Ferguson for years. Drew Carey, he was a hilarious cast member of the Drew Carey Show. He has a new podcast out now called Joy, a podcast. And he does what he does best, which is interview people in a very, very accelerated, creative, chaotic way that I happen to be an enormous fan of. This was a very fun interview.

Absolutely. I enjoyed it. Please enjoy Craig Ferguson and happy trick-or-treating to everyone. Enjoy. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween. Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand.

We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach, with a pool, and a marina, and a waterfall, and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. He's an ultimate star He's an ultimate star Hello there! We're here already! Hello! How are you, Monica? Hello, Monica!

Hiya! Hello, Steve! How are you? You look great, man! You do too, you look very cool! Oh, stop! You do look cool! Stop!

You're so cool! I'm not cool! You're very, very cool You do, too. You look very cool. Oh, stop. No, look at him. Stop. You're so cool. I'm not cool. You're very, very cool. I'm just European. Are you even that? No. No, Scottish aren't European. Is it okay if I urinate in front of you?

Yeah, actually, I just had a pee-pee time myself, and what was nice about it, it's kind of like going to jail or being in the army. That's right. But I think you'd have to poo to really be part of it. Well, feel free at any time. I don't know that I'm ready for it. I'm not confident enough. Maybe halfway through the interview, you'll feel really comfortable.

I don't know. I mean, if I feel that comfortable, I might just like... Just in the pants. We generally step out for guests that we don't know if if they have to go right we go stand on the landing rob did that but he obviously places me in higher esteem than you guys so i i feel like i know where i stand but what happens is sometimes we're out there for going on five minutes where we could only conclude they have upgraded this. We've never come in and smelt poop. No, but you know what we don't ever consider also is that maybe someone's peeing, they accidentally fart, and it smells.

And they open a window and they're trying to clear everything out. Then that's the delay. You overcomplicated that. I don't think so. I don't think that's what happened. I think nobody poops or they may poop out the window. Have you checked? That's something I feel like we were doing in our addiction.

Yeah, no kidding. I don't know if I ever pooped out a window. Did you ever shit yourself? We should probably save this for the future. Yes, we're recording. I don't know if I, I think I did. What do you mean you think you did? You wouldn't have gotten sober if you were the type of addict

who hadn't shit themselves get real I might have I mean like I'm not sure if I blacked out well then you should still be drinking yeah

now see you can't say that because there's all sorts of different people but you're right though people say you can't say that but you're right yeah but you can

but there's so much of that in life now that things that you can't say that but you're right we're kind of done we are are you on the other side? Yeah, we're on.

We're saying the stuff. Many people are, I think. I was on the plane yesterday coming in from London and I watched a lot of episodes I hadn't seen of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

These guys are fucking fearless. I love them. They're incredible. Do you know any of them personally? Caitlin and I worked with Oh, yes, on Drew Carey. She was on the Drew Carey show. So Caitlin and I

joined the Groundlings together. We're the oldest of friends. And then Rob, her husband Carey. She was on the Drew Carey show. So Caitlin and I joined the Groundlings together. We're the oldest of friends. And then Rob, her husband... Right. I've never met any of these guys. You would fucking love him. He's in England all the time now with that football team. Wales, I think we have to say Wales.

Have we started now? Oh, yeah. All right. ABR, always be recorded. Right, I know. I like it. But I want to show you something because we were talking about it. I don't know if we had started when we started talking about it.

Who knows? But I want to prove to you something that I'm still who I am I've been sober for 31 years incredible thank you truly but we were talking about did you ever shit yourself

when you were when you were out there I can't remember if I did but I think I might have and I still I've got a little bag here like a little purse

like a little man purse I still always bring an extra pair of undies. Clean pair of underpants. Smart. Well, right in the little... Look, see? They're full boxers, they're not small. Yeah, no, I like a little air.

You know what? These might go back to when I was a port layer gentleman, but I still carry a pair of underpants just in case I accidentally... Now, I'm not reaching an age where I might shit myself anyway. Like, when I expressed myself a little there, I think I felt a little action.

Nothing moved. Well, let's just acknowledge things aren't getting tighter as you grow older. No, they're not. So the need for those panties are probably ever increasing. Well, a little bit, but maybe they should be more diaper-y. Can we go back, though? Let's just say what we could deduce

from you carrying your underwear in the bag. If you had handcuffs in there or zip ties, we could conclude some things. Yeah. We could. You're not carrying a fire extinguisher around with you. Okay. Right?

I'm not. I'm not carrying a fire extinguisher around with me. This is very revealing and telling, and I appreciate your vulnerability. Oh, that's all right. Let's go back to using. First of all, I have shit my pants. If I'm being dead honest, it's about a yearly event.

Do you plan it? Is it like ceremonial? December 31st. I haven't done it yet. Honey, you know what day it is today. Take the kids to the store. I've got a little something to do for the next 15 minutes. No, but about once a year, I have up to that surprises me.

Not a full evacuation, but just a, oh Jesus, now I got to go to the bathroom. I think that's normal. I think a lot of people have that. Right. It tends to over-index with males. I've done a lot of asking around among friends and family. And men seem to have that incident at least once a year. And women, almost never, but maybe a couple times.

Oh, come on now. I think you may be doing this, falling into the trap of women also don't toots either. No, they toot like crazy. No, here's what I'll tell you. And you'll like this. Women pee their pants all the time on accident. We don't ever do that. I have, but not in recent times.

I've peed the bed while asleep, while intoxicated. I peed the bed every night until I was 13. Oh, until I was 13. And then I stopped when I was 13. Yeah, and then resumed. And then I started drinking when I was about 14. I picked it up again. Oh, my God, one year later.

So one year free. The laundry business in Scotland was badly affected in the 1970s with my dry period. And then when I was 29, I got sober, and I have not peed myself since. You know what's so weird? I don't think we've ever talked about this, but I was 29 as well. Were you really? It's a funny time for men, or for everyone, but I've only ever been a man, so I don't know, but I've talked to men, and right about then, it seems quite common to make a change in your life like that. Or just hopping into 40. I think there's something about the decade approaching where you go, okay, I just spent the last decade

hammered and blacked out and doing regrettable, shameful things. Are we about to embark on another? Because I was three months before my 30th birthday. That's exactly when I was. Really? Three months before my 30th birthday. You're a May baby? Yeah.

So we're on February the 18th, 1992, and I was 30 on May the 17th. That's really trippy because I was September and then birthday January 2nd. That's funny. I wonder what that is. I think there's something in it though a little bit. It's definitely a time to take stock. Inventory as it's talked about.

Yeah, we knew it somehow before we knew it. Like we should probably take stock of this. Do you think some of it boils down to I just didn't have the constitution. Maybe I was very prone to shame. I was going to say it's about to, I just didn't have the constitution. Maybe I was very prone to shame. I was going to say it's about shame, I think. Shame for me was very sticky and weighed on me a lot. Yeah, I think that's true as well.

I used to be very envious of people who would get really hammered and then they would go, I'm so hammered. And they would think it was kind of funny or they would enjoy the physical sensation of having a hangover and feeling kind of bad. Like they had been to Warren back. There is some glory. Right. They had achieved some kind of thing.

But the deep hangover of the soul, the shame hangover. Yeah. And it's not really about behavior. It's there before the alcohol. I think for me it was anyway. Were you religious? I am now. You are now. I think so. Not in an orth. Were you religious? I am now. You are now.

I think so. Not in an orthodoxy way, but I'm much more interested in it now. I think I was probably a bit interested in it then. But when I was a kid, I grew up around a lot of sectarian violence and hatred and everything was attached to religion. Will you fill us in?

Because I'm totally ignorant. I am aware of the Irish, North-South Catholic Protestant. It's very similar. In Scotland? In Glasgow, yeah-South, Catholic, Protestant. It's very similar. In Scotland? In Glasgow, yeah. In fact, there's a huge Irish community in Glasgow. So the Rangers Celtic of it, which is the soccer teams in Glasgow,

that was connected to Rangers were predominantly Protestants and Glasgow were predominantly Catholics. And that's what it was. The advantage of it as well is it gave you a color to wear. So if you combine the sporting color with the religious bigotry, then you've got clear battle lines drawn up. Very clear in and out group there. And that helped people identify the enemy.

Scotland in the 1970s was so violent that even if you were on the same side, you would find a way. Here's another big overlap for me. So I'm Detroit. Very similar. 70s, 80s, very blue collar, a lot of people up from Kentucky, a lot of culture of pride and honor. Yeah.

Just fucking violence everywhere. I was just writing about the other day. In my town, no accomplishment would excuse you from getting your ass kicked at a gas station if you took the pump first. Yes. Right? It was always on the table. See, that, I think, is something that right now,

and for quite a long time, the contemporary American politicians and broadcasters that are in the political sphere do not understand about growing up poor. If you grow up poor, it doesn't matter what you are, what your color is, all you have is respect. And manners really fucking matter.

So like when you're talking about the gas pump thing or anything like that, they really matter. So if you, for example, exclude or disrespect a whole group of people, like when Hillary Clinton said the deplorables, you're not just talking about what you think of their political thoughts. You've just insulted a whole socio-economic group and also I think with politicians now you know when politicians say I'm going to be the senator or I'm going to be the president for all Americans if I was being a politician I'd be like no I'm only going to help the people that voted for me so you better vote for me you're fucked you're in trouble yeah because it's looking like I'm going to win yeah if I win it's all about the people who voted for me not you guys

I haven't read any polling data but I'm pretty certain I'm going to win. If I win, it's all about the people who voted for me, not you guys. I haven't read any polling data, but I'm pretty certain I'm going to win and you're fucked. Yeah, you better vote for me. That's it. Now, mom and dad, dad worked for the postal service and mom was a teacher. Yeah. Is there any overlap? Because I'm basing this all on Bukowski and his description of working for the postal service, which is there was an entrance exam. I don't know if my dad knew much about Bukowski. We're going to find out in a second. But you had to pass a pretty challenging test to become

an employee of the postal service, at least in the 50s, 60s, 70s. So it attracted these very smart people that also wanted to just stay kind of not ambitious, but really smart. I think there's a germ of truth in it. In Britain, it was slightly different. My father was born in 1930. So he was a telegram delivery boy when he started out. They had these old British ex-army Royal Enfield bikes. And what they did was, my father, he had to go away to the army when he was 18 because it was National Service. And when he came back, he did it again. And they all wanted to be like Marlon Brando in the movie The Wild One.

But no one in Scotland could afford a silk scarf or a leather jacket. Okay. So they used to wear black postal delivery men jackets and white tea towels around their necks. They were all very thin because there was no food and everybody smoked and everything was in black and white. So they looked really cool. Scotland was in black and white until about 1974.

The whole country. I've been to Ireland not been to Scotland I've watched Braveheart that's about the extent of my understanding there's a very easy detect vibe in Ireland they're rascals in the best way like I remember a woman pulling me aside that was Irish saying

you just went on this museum tour you know the difference between Americans and us is we would have jumped the wall to go look at the shit and I was like okay perfect what's the Scottish not all of Scotland but the Scotland that I grew up and had a very strong Irish component but it was a component of it Glasgow the town that I grew up in is a port city and so there was a huge Italian community in Glasgow there's a Chinese community in Glasgow when I was growing up the Pakistani and Indian community was getting bigger and bigger and making a huge improvement in what there was to eat.

So it's a weirdly kind of diverse little place that I grew up. Yeah, it sounds like Toronto. Yeah, it's not dissimilar. It's not as clean. Well, okay, nothing is. Oh my God. I think Toronto, everything's a condo. They're going to have to change it to condo or something.

When I first went to Toronto, there was only one condo and Gordon Lightfoot was in it and that was it. That was the only guy. Singing the Edmunds Fitzgerald quietly. The only condo in Toronto. The legend lives on of the condo in Toronto.

And the big black dick call gets your goomy. But a lot of Scottish people live in Canada as well. It's got a juicy chip on their shoulder, I'd imagine, right? Oh my God, yeah. It's the tall poppy thing? I think that's everywhere now. Well, but we already talked about it. So where I'm from, everyone feels a little less than.

It's half of society to blame, and then it's half their own condition, which is they're looking for it. I think that's right. And I think for a long time, I don't know about you, but I think a lot of being an alcoholic was that if you treat me normal that I feel less than if you just say oh yeah it's over there then I'm like what the fuck are you talking about but if he's like it's over there sir may I get you a carafe of wine I'm like yes now that's a little more fucking like it and I think that kind of chip I've had on my shoulder for, I don't know where that came in.

And I don't know how it triggers an alcoholism in my case, but it's a component of it for sure. For me, dyslexic, broken home, violence, molested, all these things. Yeah, that'll do it. Feeling less than all the time. That's a good right back up. But the alcohol, when drunk, I was very optimistic. That's how the medicine worked for me. I was optimistic while drunk that things were going to work out in my favor.

And that was a nice. Or you wouldn't keep drinking. Yes. And then all of a sudden, one day you're like at a bar and you realize I'm bored and I'm drunk and I feel less than and I'm pessimistic. We're using everything at our disposal cocaine yeah yeah

nothing's working oh my god this is this thing that was meant to happen national alert oh what's happening yes oh god because you're not

here in the states this has been Jesus oh you'll love this what is this for I'm gonna tell you and you're gonna love what the conspiracy theories

are saying that this is activating a component of the corona vaccination that now our bodies are. Have you guys heard this? No. This is incredible. I love this.

It's as far out as it gets. Yeah. We have had a warning for a week that the National Alert Service was going to blast everyone's phone at this time. In the whole nation. This just happened to everyone in the nation. How communal. I love that. Do you know what I think is interesting, though?

I'm not telling you guys how to live your life, but when we started recording, I turned my fucking phone off. Oh, yeah. No, we can't. Yeah. Two little kids, right? You know, who knows? I've got little kids, too. You can't respond to them.

No, there's nothing I can do. They're in Scotland. I'm like, I don't know. Exactly. You've exceeded the perimeter of where you could have them. Their mom will take care of it. We would have missed out on this unifying moment. I'm really glad we had our phones on.

But you probably have now a British or UK service. You still have an American phone. Yeah, and I have an apartment in New York City. I love this fucking idea that I live in a croft in Scotland. When I knew you, you lived across the street. Yeah, just down the street from here. Right. So it's my understanding that you have left there. Right. You have a castle in Scotland. I have a house in Scotland. When I knew you, you lived across the street. Yeah, just down the street from here. Right. So it's my understanding that you have left

there. Right. You have a castle in Scotland I recall. I have a house in Scotland. Okay, is it shaped like a castle? It's a castle shape. Is it an inordinately large piece of land? It was built in the 1300s. It doesn't mean it's a castle. Here's our residual shit. We know

if we admit to living in a castle, we're one of them. Yeah, exactly. So you live in a castle. I live in a house. I live in an old house that's got a few castellated edges for decoration. If someone pulled up in horse and carriage, would it look very natural? Yeah, it would. In fact, if someone pulled up from the Roman Empire. William Wallace rolled through.

You let that happen. Oh, so there's been this growing conspiracy theory That this alarm that just went out Which is going out over 5G Which, you know, there was already conspiracies about 5G Was going to activate some dormant agent Inside of the corona vaccination That would mirror Ebola

So basically, from what just happened I don't know how quick Ebola works But I think it's quickly. I think within the next three days, we'll all be eating each other. Oh my god, well not you because you turned your phone off. Good job. And also, I have a pair of underpants in my bag

so in case the 5G activates my COVID vaccine and I shit myself, voila! Clean pads. Take that Bill Gates! Fuck you. You'll be the only zombie with fresh shorts on. How you doing, everybody? I like zombies. I always think if zombies could river dance, they would. Do you know what I mean?

Oh, absolutely. They would river dance. Because they're very stiff. Yeah. The afterlife is the Irish, I think. Do you believe in the afterlife? Do you believe in the continuation of consciousness? I wish I did. I'm open to having that revelation.

Spirituality for me is very, very hard to hook into. I meditate. That's helpful. I like how that feels, right? We do that. The only foothold I have is my children. There's something bizarre. That's love, of course.

It's love, but also something feels celestial. There's something to me that just is beyond my understanding of love. You admit, and I admit too, of being pathologically selfish. And then someone exists who you care more about than yourself. That's a transcendental experience. I have this theory, I was talking to someone about this recently, that most philosophers, now not all of them, but most of them didn't have any kids. Oh, really?

Yeah. I mean, it's not an absolute. Bertrand Russell had like 25. They're either a none or a hundred. See, I think at 25 kids, you're probably like, oh, yeah, there's another one. Do you know what I mean? I can't put that many names straight. Right.

Most philosophers, now, again, it's not an absolute. It's like percentage wise enough to get you to COVID vaccine level. Do you know what I mean? It's efficacy. It's efficacy as a theory. Someone told me long before I had them that it does cure all your existential crises. And I agree with that. Yeah, it gives you a whole new bunch of things to be terrified of. Can I tell you something, though? I don't have that. I've had so much pessimism and fear about so many things my entire life. I'd say it's my modus operandi. But from the second we said, let's try to have kids, I was like, this is going to go great. And when we go to those tests where they scan the baby and I'm like, this is going to work

out perfect. And when they arrived, I was like, we're going to take this home, everything. Like, this is the only thing in my life that I just feel total belief in. That's great. I meant more about the idea that anything bad would happen to my kids. Shockingly, I have no fear of that. I think they're just going to thrive. They'll have setbacks and they'll have challenges, but I believe in their spirit. That if they're addicts, they're going to find sobriety. You mean more that they would get like hit by a car or something.

Yeah. Yeah. Like outside of their personalities. Or get an Ebola virus activated by a cell phone. Their phone goes off that's why I wouldn't let my kids have a phone which is bad for my

oldest boy he's 22 I'm like no you can't have a phone he's still a virgin yeah I don't even want to think about that

it's okay it's okay if he is oh absolutely if you would like to have sex a phone's very helpful in that pursuit see I'm very glad

that I missed all of that it would have taken out probably both of you. Yeah, there was a big hard video record of you and I on day three of a bender chatting with someone about philosophy. No, it's not good. No, no, no. I really feel for the young and everything documented

because it's a voluntary admission to 1984. It's like we walked right into it by our own volition we stand in line to get the new version yeah oh yeah let's film everything and ruin it yeah it's crazy i know i remember once having a do you remember regis philbin oh yeah regis rickles was saying he had a conversation with regis they were having a laugh and regis said no no we can't wait this we're doing the show. So let's talk about it then. He wouldn't talk about it. And I remember laughing at the time, but everybody does that now. Yes. We'll get to this, but like the endless inferno, that is a talk show, right? And once you step into that every little bit, because you're out, you're just

wringing yourself out every show and you're trying to gather stuff and you know better than to waste something. And now people are that way because they too have to fill this endless void. Everybody every show and you're trying to gather stuff and you know better than to waste something and now people are that way because they too have to fill this in everybody has a talk show everybody has a talk show everybody is doing

a daily show if you haven't posted in two days you're like oh my god people are going to forget about me and they will forget about you

that's the thing they're right it's funny I think the talk show thing is fascinating particularly because I did it in America so I didn't grow up

with the talk show tradition I mean no disrespect to people who do it but to me it was like being a realtor it's not a bad job but no one sets out to be a fucking realtor if you know things are going along well you know there's always realtor and you go you know what it's not a bad job get your face on a bench at a bus stop maybe or you know and you make a little money sleep with some other realtors at the convention. Maybe. Things go right. That's right. It wasn't something that I ran out to be. I annoyed some of my colleagues because I had that attitude to it. I didn't mean it disrespectfully. It just never occurred to me. But I would argue

it's actually what set you up to do what you ended up doing, which was a pretty novel version of it. Yeah, it was the only version I could do because I tried the other version. I can remember, honestly, in the first week or so when I was doing the late night show, coming on and adjusting

my tie and saying, did you guys watch the playoffs? And I swear to God, I swear to God, I didn't even fucking know what I was talking about. I didn't know

what a playoff was. I was like, what is a playoff? The writers are like, yeah, you just do this thing about the playoffs. Did you guys watch the playoffs? Sorry, did you guys see the playoffs?

One of you just went, can you explain that to me? I had to. I mean, really, the writers are no use. And at the very beginning, because I was so terrified, I thought, I'm going to get shit canned after a week of this. So I just did whatever they told me. Yeah, I heard you talking about the fact that you had done two little trial episodes. And you were forced, not forced, but you signed a six-year contract because there was no stakes.

You weren't going to get this. There's no way I was going to get it. Yeah. And then all of a sudden you're in a six-year deal. Yeah. I won't make that mistake again. There is always the slight chance that you will get the job. Yeah.

So you got to be careful. It's not that I disliked it. I liked it. I bet the frustrating thing is unlike a realtor, there are millions of people who are aspiring to be Johnny Carson or Letterman or Kimmel or anybody, right? So to see someone end up fulfilling their dream who could take it or leave it is the issue for them. I think that's right. And that's fair. Yeah, and so I tried to be cognizant and respectful of that.

But I feel like you found a way to do it that was ultimately incredibly true to you and then really novel. We're here, so I'll tell you. I mean, there's two things. Status-wise Letterman for me, like he's my God, right? So to be on that show- He's the gold standard, I think.

That's right. It's unreal. That's the high watermark for me to have been on that show. But I will say, second to that, back in the day, I would always say, well, my favorite show to go on is Craig's for sure, because it's the only show where you'll go and you'll never get to the pre-interviewed stories that have been prepared. That's right.

And if you're the type of performer that I am, and you are, I live for that. And Kristen is as well. We're beer marking that, because I got a whole chapter about her. Well, that's the interesting thing, because you and her and people who had improv motivations and felt comfortable in that environment, it was the show for them. But there were people who came on who I think they weren't as comfortable. And rightly so. I'm sure a dramatic actor who has this one good story about their vacation, they can kind of work that out and get confident. But for you and I to sit down and have some competition wakes me up, puts my brain in a space that it doesn't normally get to without that.

It certainly won't get there telling you a story. Right. And the good thing about the competition, especially if you talk about how we grew up, we're in a competition which is fun and exciting, but will very rarely result in any one of us getting hurt. Yeah, no one's going to the doctor. No one's going to go, right, that's fucking it. Fuck you. No one's throwing a headbutt on late night. no one has to make an excuse of why they lost that right and it's kind of fun like that and to be fair and you mentioned letterman and i just want

to give him props for this because the only way that i existed on late night was because of an anomaly that david created which was he owned the time slot. CBS were so keen to get him to go there after the late night wars in the 90s that they gave him two hours of real estate on CBS. It was his. So they didn't really control it. Now, the bad part of that was I never get any publicity. They fucking hated my guts.

But the good part was Dave protected me. It was just like Dave's testicles stood between me and CBS. And Dave was too busy doing his own show, so he didn't really give a fuck what I was doing. And CBS didn't really give a fuck what I was doing. Yeah, yeah. So ultimately, I didn't give a fuck what I was doing. Did he pick you?

How did it all come to be? He was part of it. There was a group of people. It was Dave and Les Moonves, who ran CBS at the time. I don't know why I have to have him. What did you say? I don't know why. I don't know why I have to have him. What did you say? I don't know why. I don't know why I have to have him.

Who knows what happened to him? And there was a gentleman who became my mentor and became the most important man in my life during that period professionally was a guy by the name of Peter LaSalle. And Peter had been Johnny Carson's producer for 35 years. No way. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Peter had produced Dave the first five years when he went to CBS. In the 1130 slot, yeah. Right, in the 1130 after all that stuff. So he understood that world very well. And Dave holds Peter in very high regard. And Les didn't really. He had bigger fish to fry.

I don't know what else he was up to, but it wasn't good. Yeah, he's busy, I heard. I think I do know. Yeah. I think I do know. Yeah I think I do know. And when Peter saw me do it there was a bunch of different people

tried out for it and some of them were really good. It boiled down to Michael Ian Black who was great at it Damien Fahey who was great at it

and D.L. Hughley who was also great at it. What happened though was that Peter said to me during that period when the four of us were kind of like in the AGT finals. Battle Royale.

Peter said, no, you're it. What Peter said was, I have one marketable skill, talking about himself. It's finding people like you and you're one. I've maybe had that experience a couple times in my life where someone that you trust believes in you in a way that you don't believe in yourself and how you can ride that it can change your life it can it makes me get chills thinking i must remember to always offer that to people as often as i can yeah who i don't think realize how special they are yeah i think that's true well monica i was first in on monica kristen was first in on Monica? Kristen was first in. Yeah, that's okay. Yeah, you kind of... Well, I think I suggested that you come one.

That's right, you did. Yeah, yeah, it flip-flopped a lot. But it's true. You're not going to make any enemies telling people that you believe in them. For a long period of my life, I felt in competition with the universe, or usually it would be other Scottish people, I guess,

or Scottish men. I wasn't really aware of it, but I'd be resentful if I saw somebody, like an actor I'd worked with in Glasgow, suddenly gets a good job. I'm like, that guy's an asshole. He's not an asshole. He doesn't hang his wardrobe clothes up. Yeah, he doesn't carry pants around.

Well, if you're at the gas station and everyone's mad at each other, that's the world you grow up in. Of course that's what you're going to carry around, that everyone's a dick but you. I think it's more like the Gore Vidal thing. It's not enough that I succeed. It's that my friends have to fail. Oh, interesting.

I also think, let's be fair, that if you grow up in limited resources, in scarcity, if someone gets something, it is actually true that you're not going to get something. When you're in the household and this is the food on the table, my older brother takes more. Who got the potato? Yes. That's real. And so how are you gonna

snap out of that all of a sudden at 20 when really it has been zero sum and then you see someone pop and you're like well that's probably the one scottish person they're gonna let me famous this year yeah yeah that's true it's not right but it's understandable no i don't feel that way anymore though i don't think these kids that grow up and go to crossroads and they see their peers get famous they're like yeah they got and we're all gonna get famous yeah that's what all of our parents are famous yeah everybody's famous i don't think they think about it the same way but the younger generation for all their faults and they're certainly well documented they are a bit better with that kind of stuff like rooting for each

other i think so yeah i think they're a bit kinder with each other it's a safer place to be vulnerable now the mistakes that i see is the same mistake that every generation makes, which is, you know everything and you'll never get old. Every generation believes that. I know everything and I'll never get old. Let me tell you something. I fucking knew everything. And here I sit at 60 fucking one. And there's maybe a retirement community in Florida where I'm still young. But other than that, I'm fucking old. It happens and you think it's not going to. And it will. Or you'll die. You're lucky if it will. Right. It's a very, very strange experience.

I mean, I find the aging process so bizarre. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert. If you dare. Sasha hated sand. The way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water.

You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub. And of course, a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel. I just really didn't think much about it. And the depressing part isn't actually the aging. It's the accelerating of time. It feels like a double whammy. It's like not only are you getting older,

but a year is now about four months long and a week is about two days long. And that's getting worse and worse and worse. Unless you do regular flights from London to Los Angeles. And then time really fucking slows down. I have tricks. There are things. Novelty slows time down.

Sure. And interesting you talk about meditation because I do do that. I feel like you step out of time when you meditate properly. It's shocking to me. Yeah. Do you TM? I don't know if it's TM. I don't have any formal kind of tuition in it, but I became interested in it through apps or yoga classes or bullshit, just living in LA and you pick it up or being in recovery and prayer and meditation. And then I started to read about different forms of prayer and meditation.

It boils down to a lot of things like semantics. There's a lot of talk about prayer, where prayer is actually in the contemplative form, it really is meditation. Well, let me just tell you too, I'm doing TM, but in my TM while doing the mantra, I do work in my first three-step prayers. And then the 10th step.

Have you ever read about, because I've become fascinated by these people, and I think as someone in recovery, I think you would be too, is the Stoics. Well, the Stoics, yes, but the Desert Fathers. No. Between about 200 and 350 AD, there was a group of pre-Roman Christians that lived to the north of Cairo. St. Anthony, Origen of Alexandria, Vagrius of Pontus. Origen actually, I think, was a theologian who just lived in Alexandria. But they had ideas about prayer and meditation, which I don't think Roman Christianity pulled up on.

And they don't think they took it in. Origen of Alexandria was a theologian who was excommunicated 500 years after he died because he said, God can exist only in the mind if you're selling chachkas that's not what you want to fucking hear yeah yeah so early christianity fascinates me when you said that thing about religious i am interested i want to throw off the idea that religion is some kind of uncool thing the religion that existed looking at early christianity for me i look it's all different. And my training, like everything else, is informal. My studies are informal.

Just to assuage your fears, you're not presenting as a professor. Right, good. Yeah, I thought I was. But the idea that when Constantine took over Christianity, when it became the empire's religion, I think it's a little bit like there will be a point when Starbucks will open a store at Burning Man. And that is the equivalent. I think that Christianity for the first couple hundred years, the Romans were like, these people are atheists. They only have one God. What the hell is that?

They're denying. And so what Rome did is they said, well, there is only one God. But, you know, then there's his mom. And there's really three gods. And then there's all the saints, the other ones that come in. Lucifer, he's powerful. Well, yeah, but he's bad. Sure, but kind of a god.

He's naughty. He's naughty bad. But also powerful like a god. Oh, that was another thing that Origen got into trouble for, because he believed that in the final revelation, in the end of time, Lucifer could be forgiven as well. And they were very upset about that. They shouldn't be. That would be the ultimate happy ending to the story, right?

Take it up with the Catholic Church of the Middle Ages because they had some ideas that you would not agree with. And so meditation in that tradition. Well, I think it was Evagrius of Pontus, who was one of the Desert Fathers. It was about continuous contemplative meditative prayer. And they talk about allowing your mind to be silent, not in allowing your mind to go to imagery of God

or even colors or thoughts. Every time you have a thought, this is what I try to do when I'm, I mean, it sounds very fanciful, but when you talk about meditation, it's going to sound like that. Whenever I have a thought, when I'm trying to meditate, I just try and go, oh, well, there it is.

And then just let it go away and then be back to nothing yeah and then just back to my breath and back to my breath and just my breath but when a thought comes in this is what i struggled with at first was well i'm not doing it right right and you go of course you're doing it right of course you're going to think things your brain's on fire with things they think about and those bastards and what about this and i'm hungry this fucking scottish actor so goddamn famous jerry fucking butler who's my friend the whole thing just to allow yourself to have thoughts and just let them go by at least my understanding of the team when it was taught to me was kind of that which is like yeah you're gonna have thoughts that's fine you can even deal with them for a second just try to come back to the mantra that's it that's the whole purpose of

meditation it's not to not have thoughts it's it. That's the whole purpose of meditation. It's not to not have thoughts. It's to have them and then let them go. Right. I didn't know that for a long time. And I thought it was something to do with yoga. And I think it might be. Yeah, they're connected somehow.

Somehow. I'm fascinated by all of it and I don't rule out any of it, which annoys people sometimes. I talk to my wife about more outre religions and I'm like, well, maybe like oh shut up these people are fucking crazy all right they might be you know well it's tricky right because the practitioners of anything are crazy there's some fucking wackos in aa it's not like i would trust any certain one of us to go represent it is a far from exclusive club it's the last chance saloon. But the best description I heard of, I shouldn't, it's kind of breaking the tradition,

but fuck it. The best description I heard of AA was somebody in a meeting who said, we are the elite of the mentally ill. Yeah, there you go. That's great. What got you sober? Do you mind telling us?

A series of unfortunate events. Ding, ding, ding. You starred in that, but go ahead. Oh my God, good slipping. No no first of all star i'm in that movie for like 30 seconds i think that still counts as starring you're right in hollywood terms yes of course i was very proud to be part of the we all yeah i actually as an aside one of the producers i mean i can't remember his name he's like really powerful producer guy was on this movie And I had just come from working on independent movies and I was doing this movie. And they move like fucking molasses, these movies.

They're so slow. Especially that movie, right? Oh my God. I was dressed in this very elaborate costume, standing at the craft service table. And this guy came over to me, this producer, and he said, are you enjoying working on a big movie like this? And I went, you know, I'm not. I don't feel like I want to do this anymore. To his credit, he said, well, I think that can be arranged.

Good for him. They are kind of boring. Okay, so wait, listen. I have two reactions to that, because it's like kind of the third in the same vein, which is one is, I believe you. Two is a little bit of a pattern to not want to be doing what you're doing yeah yeah very restless and I wonder is that self-defense like I'm gonna get

kicked out of here so I just plant some seeds that I didn't want to be here for when I inevitably fire me I quit it's I'm terrified of disappointment I think there's shame attached to not succeeding which is absurd it's one of the reasons why I actually fell in love with America for all its problems. America has something which is un-fucking-fathomable to me, which is they have a game called baseball. And if you can hit one in ten, you're a fucking Hall of Famer. Now, in life, that's a great fucking lesson to teach children. One in ten.

Or how about that you only got to hit one of the five pitches? Right. I mean, it's unbelievable. If you can get that shit in with the bricks, that stops you from, well, what's the point? I even try and I'm not blind to the issues that we have in the United States, but that's great. That should probably be in the constitution, something about baseball. There's some version of that too, I'll add, which is we have some things that are really, really admirable. One being our college system. At any point, you can go, I'm going to go to this community college. If I do great there, I'm going to get a shot at a university.

I can do everything. That doesn't really exist, that pipeline, in most places. Right. What America has is fluidity connected with money. But at least it's fluidity. If you have a class system, it doesn't matter how much money you have. You ain't fucking going anywhere. Yeah.

That is a problem. It's here too, but I don't feel like it's institutional in the same way. I'm reading a very disheartening book called The Myth of Meritocracy. I think that's the title. It's about meritocracy. I get it. It's a bummer. I don't like reading it at all. I'm like, this does not sound

like James Patterson at all. Yeah, I'm just a little bit like, oh, this thing I kind of believe and defend in, huh? Maybe it really is a class system with the rare exception. Look, nothing's perfect. I'm sure somebody could pick a hole

in my baseball theory. In fact, by the time this thing goes out, I'm sure a hundred fucking people on the whatever fucking shitty little fucking chat room is fucking de rigueur at the moment for the fucking illiterate fucking opinionated. They'll let me know. They'll let each other have it.

Yeah. Wait, back to, we didn't finish. We left that hanging. You are good at this. We left it hanging. Series of unfortunate events. Well, we didn't finish. We left that hanging. You are good at this. We left it hanging. Series of unfortunate events. Well, it's accumulative. The first time I got drunk, I peed my pants and got arrested.

Like when I was 13. So there is evidence there. I didn't get arrested for peeing my pants. That's not illegal in Scotland. I threw a punch at a local policeman. The whole country would be in jail. That'd be a bad look. Everyone over the age of 60 in Florida is under arrest.

But what happened was there were signals all along the way And looking back on it now, there were pivotal ones But one that sticks to mind for me is I was in Australia once My thing was mostly alcohol I mean, I took drugs if they were there But I'm not leaving an open bar to go and find drugs You saw cocaine as drinking vitamins

It was a vitamin, you know, if you want to, like It's like, yeah yeah i'll take it what i used to say was look here's how i know i'm an alcoholic not an addict because when i'm in a bar and if i'm drinking and someone says hey do you want some cocaine i'm like fuck yes i do they said hey i know a guy that's got some cocaine if we go to his apartment we can get someone like if he wants to sell me cocaine he can come to the fucking bar. I'm not leaving a bar to go get good. That's where we diverge. That's the only fucking difference that I can see. I'd cross the Sahara if I thought I had an A ball.

I think that's fair. Look, that's just preference. That's chicken or fish at that point. But again, drinking always starts with drinking. Yeah. So one time I was in Australia and I was drinking pretty bad. And I had the first real dose of the terrors, which unless you've had them, there's no way to explain them.

Some people, when they take cannabis, sat sativa get a similar type of psychosis the reaction i certainly do and i can't do it but it's kind of like the psychosis from bad marijuana or a bad reaction like paranoia yeah but it's worse it's disassociation is fucking horrible and i had it really bad and if you're an alcoholic you know instinctively the only way you're going to get rid of it is to drink yeah and it's like six o'clock in the morning and i go out in the street i was in a shitty part of melbourne and i knew there was a bar that was open 24 hours and i went to the bar and because it's australia and because it's hot they drink these tiny little beers they're called stubbies it's like a tiny little shot flirting with a beer yeah i said like set me up 20 stubbies in this bar right and i was pounding these things and eventually i up 20 stubbies in this bar. Right. And I was pounding these things.

And eventually I get 10 stubbies in or something. Starting to be okay. Things are starting to calm down. And then I started talking to the barmaid, who was a really nice goth girl who was just working in the bar. And she said, geez, you're pretty alcoholic. Don't you mind? I said, yeah, maybe.

And she went, you really like to drink i said what makes you the expert she went well look and she said something which stuck with me forever she said i'm a barmaid in a shitty pub in melbourne at 6 a.m and i think you drink too much i was like fuck you yeah it's like evil kenevil telling you you're too reckless on a motorcycle but just events like that ultimately it was I was in a relationship with a woman who I really cared for and I kept letting her down

like I'd say I'm going to the store and I'd come back three days later and she eventually said I love you but I can't be around this and I understood see that was the thing I understood and I said if I could have left me I would have and in fact that's kind of what I was trying to do. I got sober not

long after that. And then weirdly enough, we tried to get back together afterwards and it never worked. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense though. It was strange. This is a hard question to answer because you'll have to acknowledge your own charm. But I'm sincere in this i have watched other comedians wrestle with this and i have recognized that the battle can be a little harder for them because they do have this crazy antidote which is you can be at the bottom of one of those three-day troughs go out on stage still have that magic get the love of everyone and be able to walk off and go, ah, it's not that bad. Or conversely, you're so charming that you can kind of keep some people around that normally would have gone away. I do think there's a little bit of an added hurdle when you can be the victim of

your own charisma. It's an interesting way to look at it. I mean, I love the idea of describing myself as a victim of my own charisma. I'm fucking stealing that right now. That is beautiful. Thank you. Let's co-author a book called Victims of Our Own Charisma. Victims of Our Own Charisma. Everyone pukes. It's a vaudeville tour, buddy. Everyone just starts throwing up as they see the title in the airport. These guys are so fucking full of themselves.

Oh, no, it's ironic, man. Come on. I will write in parentheses, it's ironic. I think that there is some truth to that. What really is, though, is you find people as sad as you are, and you kind of commiserate each other. They call it in recovery literature, you find lower companions, which I always thought was a little unfair.

I was the lower companion, I think, for a lot of people. I was the bar that was lower than my addict friends, which prevented them from thinking they had a problem. But you got sober when you were 29, which is interesting because I run into people who got sober 10 years later, 15 years later. Some of them getting sober now. Yeah, I have friends that got sober at 50. I'm fucking glad I got hit when I got hit. I'm glad I got sober.

Oh, same, same. I have so much gratitude for having the version that was really untenable. I feel most bad for people who have a pretty tenable version of it. Yeah, well, they call it functioning alcoholism. Yeah, yeah, but it's true. When you're just on the line of it, that could gobble up your whole life because you don't really ever have to fuck with it.

Well, that's what I think. When I see everybody smoking weed, I'm like, oh, aren't you so fucking clever? When people say it's just a plant, and I'm like, yeah, fucking opium is a plant, you dick. Hops and barley are plants. Yeah, I don't get it. It's a weird kind of, like, if you say anything remotely negative about cannabis right now,

it's like, you're a fascist. I'm like, hold on a fucking minute. What is fair about, you can walk down the street. We've established that I spend a lot of time in New York City, right? Yes, yes. So you can walk down the street in New York City. If you have a can of malt liquor, you have to disguise that in a brown paper bag.

You can walk down the street smoking a fucking blunt and everybody- But isn't the joint itself a brown paper bag? Just to be fair. It is a brown paper bag, but it's on fire. And everybody within half a city block fucking inhales it. I just think it should be fairer to my people should be allowed to walk down the street drinking.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah, to be honest, I don't mind the weed thing. I think it's great. I think everyone that can do it. And when I see a guy on the street with a brown paper bag, I'm like, God bless, man. I wish I could still do that. I just don't think he should have to have a brown paper bag.

Well, that's fair too. It's almost like there should be stores that sell liquor. Oh, wait. Oh, one thing to the friends though. Have you noticed this? I wouldn't say like my friendships

were with lesser or higher caliber people. No. What I have noticed is the most quintessential ingredient for the friendships back then

was loyalty. And that's no longer the case for me in sobriety because when i was a fuck up the most important thing to me was you would not judge me and that we would be friends throughout whatever because we're both going to disappoint each other and we're both going to fuck up we're going to crash each other's shit we're going to try to hit on each other's girlfriends but we're going to be loyal it's very interesting especially where i'm from as well that would have always been like top of my list of what I would say I want in a friend. And now over the course of the last 20 years, loyalty is not that important to me. Like I don't need you to be loyal

to me. I understand what you're saying back in the day. We're all going to fuck up. So let's not judge each other. I think now I don't want any more friends. I'm too old. Okay. So it's your post-friendship period. Yeah, that's fair's fair yeah i'm sure you're a very nice person go fuck yourself i have less in the way of expectations about your behavior it's not really your behavior that's the problem it's mine that's the problem that's the thing that i can take care of so i can take care of my behavior i can't really do anything about yours other than if i don't like it i can remove myself from it that That's about it. Can we talk about one thing before we launch into about joy, the musicianship? I think this is what I've discovered about you

today that I didn't know about you in the past was the history as a drummer, as a kid and being in a bunch of punk bands. We just had Fred Armisen on and he and I were kind of geeking out about, cause he and I traveled in the same punk rock scene all through the nineties. And I was saying, you know, when I really think back, those were the funniest group of people I knew. If I was evaluating like my high school, it was all the kids that were in bands that were just naturally kind of hams and performers. And it does seem there's this really natural marriage. Yeah. I mean, it's funny how many Carson was a drummer. When I was coming up, I was born in 1962.

So punk hit 75, 76. So I'm like early teens. What would we say is the first band? Crass? No. The first punk single I remember hearing was The Damned. Neat, neat, neat. But Iggy was there before that.

Then there was television. It's all connected. Here she is. Who? We have a friend. Oh, hello. Will you bring that to the mic? Hello. Hang on. I'll just have to go your husband is so handsome i know i know he's looking said the pot to the kettle

did you know by the way i was just telling those guys that and i've done this for years that i carry a pair of boxer shorts around in my bag in case I shit myself. How at home could he be? Very, what's the word for it? Responsible? Yeah, responsible. Yes. Admirable, responsible. That's right, admirable maybe, cautious.

I'm not trying to pretend it might not happen. It might. What you're saying is if it does. If it does, I'm ready. That's right. Acceptance mode. We'd call that acceptance mode. That's right. To it does, I'm ready. That's right. Acceptance mode. We'd call that acceptance mode. That's right.

To accept the things I cannot change. That's right. And be prepared for the things... Courage to change. Yeah, courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference. You should call those panties your wisdom. This is wisdom.

This is what this is. Dax had an obsession with a pair of underwear that he called men's unmentionables for years. They could only come from Sears. Covington's. It's the only place I could find my boxers. I like that. The real entry-level boxers.

I very like this. I fixate on this kind of thing all the time. But then when we couldn't find them anymore, he begrudgingly switched to MeUndies, and now he loves them, but they're snug. What happened was I was in a movie where I had to wear them, and I was like, oh, support isn't terrible either. My testicles have been getting longer and longer and longer.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also the separation between the big guy and the little guy gets worse. I don't want my penis to be wearing a cape that's much longer than me. Right, exactly. It's kind of like the moon is getting further away from the earth. The moons. It happens. And so when you can gather it

all up bringing in the sheaves as it were so i had asked kristin if she would stop by and here's why in all my years of watching late night talk shows which i'm a student of i've always been obsessed unlike you i dreamt of being letterman right i have to say of any relationship between talk show hosts and guests that I've ever seen, I would put you two on the very top of that list for the best chemistry of all time. I totally agree. I'm so glad to hear you say that. You did this show for 10 years.

Can you think of anyone that you... And I'll tell you this as well. The best piece of television I have done in my life is a 13-minute improvisation that you and I did in Marie Antoinette's bedroom in the palace of Versailles when I was leaving late night they had a thing for me at the television the place in Beverly Hills you know where they you know the motion picture yeah that thing yeah whatever it's where Larry King used to come along and people would you know anyway but they showed

that I'd never seen it because we did it and then like, you just fucking move on, you do the next thing. And I watched that and went, that is fucking genius. I remember at the start of it, we were setting up a piece of improv and we set it up so that the audience knows. And I said, okay, now you're going to be Marie Antoinette and I'm going to be your lover and I'm going to walk in and don't make it dirty.

That's what I said to you. I said, don't make it dirty. You often said that said to you. I said, don't make it dirty. You often said that. Yeah. So I walked in and I stood by Kristen and she said, I like it when you come in my back door. And I said, right there! Right there!

You're right. I don't know what it is. Well, I do. People have magic. That's what I mean. I don't know what it is. It is a certain thing that happens. I'm sure you have it with other people. I had it a little bit with Josh who did the robot on the show simpatico it was

crazy and the thing is we never hung out we never really hung out we guys went to fucking Europe together that's kind of yeah but I hung out with your wife more than I hung out with you Megan I mean it's like we're not we're not hanging out yeah are you jealous a little bit no no I think I would be a little bit but there would be no reason to be. Would you? Do you get jealous? I don't believe that. Maybe a little bit sometimes.

You do? Yeah. Sometimes if men make Megan laugh, I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Okay. Okay. You know, it's like, you make my wife laugh. What the fuck? I have a ton of character defects.

This happens to be the one I was spared. I loved watching you two. What a thing to witness the chemistry i loved it for both of you yeah me too i don't think you're gonna run off together and i'm delighted you guys can both play and you're like star-crossed lovers this doesn't happen did you ever tell one fucking story that was pre-planned hun no because every time i went out i would meticulously plan it because that's what i like and i feel safest. And then I'd walk out and inevitably you would look at me. You would rip up the cards in front of you and throw them over your shoulder.

And we would begin. And it was like jumping into ice cold water where you just had to get it over with. But I went into a different zone. But if I had to identify the word that encapsulates the magic for me, specifically with you, it was willingness. We both had a willingness to say, this is not the most important thing in the world to be doing, but this is not unfun. Let's go in at 110 and see what we can get. And then things come out of it, like going to Paris or, you know, when we sat around the fire and I was pregnant and you had a big vat of peanut butter for me to eat. Or when the other day we were talking about magic with the girls

and Lincoln was saying, how do they saw people in half? My memory is so bad. I was like, huh, let me think about how do they saw. Oh, my God, I've been sawed in half. I can show you. Yeah, yeah. And I pulled it up and I showed it to her. Did I saw you in half or did the magician show you?

You did. I did. Yes. I wouldn't trust me. Did I show you in half or did the magician show you? You did. I did. Yes. I wouldn't trust me to do that. It was a jagged edge. It's an odd thing because it is a very unusual human relationship. By the way, I think it's okay that the magic is, in reality, if I had to say of anyone that Kristen's ever had a crush on, who I thought she could actually be in a relationship with for 30 years,

I think you're the person. I think you and I are very similar. I think that's true. And I think it's totally fine. You're much more in shape. I've got the age advantage on you. What age are you? 48.

Oh, man, you got 12 years on me, 13 years on me. Right, so I should be in better shape than you. Yeah, listen, let me tell you, 13 years from now, you're going to look like shit. You're going to look like this. For sure. But I think it's okay that the chemistry and the excitement is you guys find each other attractive and that's totally fine to explore on television in front of an audience and then leave it there.

Is that scary for you to acknowledge? Feels a bit like we're swinging, but no, I don't think it's as simple as attraction. Let me back up. As you and I admitted, you brought up the best in me when I was on your show, because there's a little bit of competition. I also do great when there's a female guest that I think, oh yeah, I find this person pretty intoxicating. Another part of my brain wakes up, an avenue that's generally offline, all of a sudden comes online. I get that with men too, though. Oh, me too. Me too. I get kind of smitten with a man. Yeah, I can do that.

Attraction in its pure sense. Not necessarily sexual attraction. Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Craig, don't make it dirty. For God's sake. I like it when you come in with a back door. But I think that it's quite interesting because it is a performance attraction.

Yes. It's a weird kind of a thing. And I think when they talk about chemistry in movies and stuff, everybody's looking for it. And have you seen Out of Sight? George Clooney's J-Love. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some of the most sizzling fucking chemistry of all time.

And the rumor is they hated each other's guts. Yeah. And so, yeah, what is that thing that happened? It's not like mutual respect. It's just there was some magic between them. But I think that's good. Magic is the right word. It's magic.

I don't know what it is. I loved it. And let me also say that we have used you over the years, now 16 years, where Kristen will be about to go on to some kind of show. And I will regularly go, just trust that when you turn yourself over to someone like you or like Kimmel you know how to do it you know how to react immediately now Kristen's across the board a great talk show guest I agree on any show yours was apex I think just because of that chemistry but we've used you as like remember because prior to every appearance I go through a really cool cycle in my head of just going i shouldn't be here you don't deserve this why are you doing this stay in bed that's

wrapped inside the ability to work together the way we do because i don't want you to feel that way i like you and we're gonna have fun and after the first time i trusted you though like i trusted you more than any show i've ever been on knowing knowing that it would be okay. And you were on once a month, about. And you went on all the time. It was kind of... I've got to be honest, when they said, who do you think should take over? I went, well, obviously it's Kristen.

She'll never do it, but she really kind of should. There's something in that. Because if you don't like someone, and there's chemistry, maybe if you're acting, that would work. But you're not really acting. If you're dicking around in a talk show, I don't know, though, if I ever felt with a guest, that's fucking asshole. Because usually people

were on their best behavior or wanted it to work. I guess it's there nearly all the time, but when you can access maybe vulnerability in someone, it makes you want to go a little bit further to help them. I think that's what it is. We're using the word attraction and it's not specific enough. Like there needs to be another Latin derivative or something that we can use that's your protection. And I was very attracted to like your soul because I really felt like you could protect me and actually uplift this whole segment we were doing and that we would create something entertaining, which is the very best feeling on earth when you know that someone might be watching it and giggling. Yeah, because I honestly came at it from a different angle

in the sense that I had no real aspirations. Well, I got those pretty quickly. I was like, oh, this is actually fun and I want to keep doing it. But I think what it was, I had no training. So I wanted to be okay. And I think early on when people come on, you think I know that if you have a good time on the show you'll tell Dax that I had a good time in the show and Dax comes on and he does a show and then you tell I don't know Robert Downey Jr. that I had a good time

in the show and you know word gets out the same way as it gets out if you're a shit because there's shows that I'm like I don't need to do your show sure sure sure I've never met the person I'm just like basing it on hearsay and I'm like, I don't need to do your show. Sure, sure, sure. And I've never met the person. I'm just like basing it on hearsay. And I'm not saying any names or anything because I can't think of any offhand. But the list is long. Oh, it's everybody but you two. That's it.

Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. But it was so fun over the years i was sad when you retired because i loved doing your show quite a bit it was so so much fun a lot of shows it's not a homework but it's looming it never felt looming when either of us were booked on your show i feel it's more that way now i don't know that the show that I was doing could exist, not because of any particular content, because there wasn't really anything

that anyone was going to get mad. I'm sure there's jokes that you could pick out that were horrible. But I think it's more about there's a threat, there's a consequence to conversations which are unguarded now, which was much less so then. So you could be unguarded and i totally understand because i feel in that position too particularly if you're in a publicity

style interview like a microphone in your face at a thing yeah i've got to be careful yeah well slightest fucking word you know what they're fishing for they're fishing for something provocative that will give them some yes i think it's probably easing a little bit now i think the comedians of today are leading us out of it yeah Yeah, I think you're right. But anyway, I didn't finish. So when you were retiring, I had my own selfish like, oh, shit, I like going there to sell whatever project I have. But truly, I was sad for Kristen. I was like, that's the most fun she has on TV. And I have so much fun watching her do it. And I'm very sad I won't get to see that again. Oh, here we are in your couch.

Yes, that's why I brought her in. Should we bring Jeff in? The robot? They never really go along. We do not get along. We have a robot on this show. That's true. We could bring him in.

I'm replacing Jeff. I think I like Kristen Bell more than him. He only talks in that cadence. He can only sing. And it's hard because I've got to improv. This is a new robot? Kristen Bell more than him. He only talks in that cadence. He can only sing. And it's hard because I've got to improv. Is this a new robot? The robot's been along for a while.

He wants to be a real boy. It's actually a really sad story. Jeff was a prick, as I recall. Oh, please. He was awesome. How dare you? See, you've been listening to Kristen. They didn't get along. And it's the opposite of the chemistry that Kristen and I, we did get along, and she and Jeff did not get along.

No. Josh, who was, of course, Jeff, adores Chris. Of course. But as Jeff, he really loved the idea of really fucking kneeling. It was so much fun. Such a good bit. He's a fucking genius, that guy. Yeah.

Oh my God. Such a good bit. He's a fucking genius, that guy. Yeah. Oh, my God. I barely remember any. I have such a terrible memory. And when I went back and watched When You Sawed Me in Half, I was like, I don't particularly like watching myself. But I want to go back and re-watch them because I don't remember much. The only thing I remember about that Marie Antoinette bedroom day was that they said, don't touch anything and don't sit on the bed. And like one of the first things we did was sit on the bed. We touched everything inside of the bed.

And sat on the bed because we were using the space. It was our own little revolution. We took our shoes off and slid in our socks all over. In the palace of Versailles. Did some planking. Yep. Because that I think was big at the time and I convinced you to lay down on some stuff. Yeah.

On the floor where the Treaty of Versailles was actually done. Oh my god, the start of everything. Just lay there so I can take a picture. Wait, no, no, no. The Treaty of Versailles was signed in a railroad car that was then put in a museum and Hitler took it out of the museum, put it back on the tracks in the same place and made them sign their surrender. Yeah, well, that's

what I meant to say. That sounds like something Jeff would do. You know what? I think your husband may have reached this History Channel year. I saw a comedian, I can't remember who it was, and I thought it was a great piece. I would credit him if I could remember it, but he was talking about how when

guys are really into history... It's Shane Gillis. Oh, is it Shane Gillis? Early-onset Republicanism? Yes. He said it's like a werewolf growing inside you. If you're really into history. If you're in your 20s and you like he said it's like a werewolf growing inside you if you're really if you're in your 20s and you like history it's coming it's coming you're gonna be so true as well it's that thing on tiktok about how often do guys think about the roman empire yeah how often do you think about the roman empire oh my god i've been now asked this several times it would be unfair

for me to say because i don't keep track of it but i definitely especially like if i'm in england i will go i can't believe those guys got roads all the way up here in 380 with no machines. I do think about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a Roman fort right outside my old house. The fort isn't there, but where it was. Outside of your castle? It's not a castle.

It's not a castle. It looks like a castle. It's in Scotland. There's some land around it. There's a moat. There's some battlements. But it's not a castle. Is's in Scotland. There's some land around it. There's a moat. There's some battlements. But it's not a castle. Is it hard to get internet and shit in a castle? Yeah, fucking terrible. The walls are 16 foot thick.

Right, like how do you run fucking cables anywhere? You could go outside and hold your phone up like it's the 1990s. It's cool. They have a fantasy of living in a castle and it's not real. Yeah, it's funny. You know that Outlander show? Sexy show. It's kind of a sexy show about guys who are all really in great shape,

walking around wearing kilts. Oh, I love it. But honestly, Scotland has maybe a guy that looks like that. My wife was talking about it, and Megan was saying, I don't get this whole thing about the fetishization of Scottish men. I'm like, you're literally living in a castle with a fucking Scottish man. How dare you? If anyone should understand.

But I guess it's not a fetish anymore if you're married. Yeah, it gets normal very quickly. Yeah, I know. Are you going to have Kristen on About Joy? About Joy is your new podcast. About Joy, a podcast with Craig Ferguson. I listened this morning to gabrielle iglesias yeah you know him i didn't know him but by the way i think that's a testament

to your program is that i didn't know him at all and i found myself incredibly interested and he's doing something so outside of what i ever did in comedy he's like playing stadiums and playing stadiums yeah but it's long form and i'm, because part of what drove me to want to do a podcast was I've been on late night talk shows a hundred times. I got onto some podcasts as a guest and I was like, oh, this is nice. I like doing what we're doing right now. I like talking to people. And not having to do it in eight minute chunks and have everything to land, you know, be brilliant for all eight minutes. Well, certainly I can do that.

And also it's relaxing. I find it kind of meditative. But you and I have this very Socratic way of dealing with our pathology and that we talk about it to get better. So I imagine that would attract you to it. It's certainly me. And the reason why I chose Joy is the name of it is just, it's not because it's tell me your 10 favorite things. I want to focus on something which is ultimately positive, but not have really a format.

Pretty much what you're doing here. It's not like, okay, Craig, it's time for the 10 questions. I don't want to do that. You're on a boat. You can only bring three items. Yeah, that kind of BuzzFeed bullshit. I don't want any of that. But it did seem that you're interviewing a lot of comedians.

It's who I know. So when's Belle going on? Have you already asked her? Yeah. Haven't I asked you? I think so. Yeah, I think I asked you. I think it's like in the process of being scheduled.

Oh, okay. I just don't really have anything to talk about right now, but I'll still come on even if I have nothing to talk about. That's your thing. That's what you do. That's when it's best. Oh, God, leave her alone. She'll do what she wants to do. Do it!

Thank you, Chris. Yeah, it's best. Oh, God, leave her alone. She'll do what she wants to do. Do it! Thank you, Chris. Yeah, it's all right, Chris. Thank you, Jesus. You know, you need to have someone around you a little more nurturing. This is like showbiz mom. Get out there, little show pony. You haven't been on the airwaves in over six months. You disappoint me!

But, I mean, I had a guest on a couple of weeks ago, a guy called William Villanova, who still is the biggest undertaker in New York city. How do you quantify biggest? He buries the most. He's like, he's like the Coca-Cola. He's the guy you go to.

He's buried what? Like eight guys in one day. He can do anything for you. He can do the Viking. I mean, it's a big funeral director, but it's like a college degree to be an undertaker. I didn't know.

No, I didn't know that. Yeah. It's like you have to do mortuary sciences for like four years really yeah it's a fascinating whole world it's like a cross between a doctor and a priest it's weird i want to look up how many there are in the nation that it would support a whole curriculum in school he's funny though he's like a funny big irish catholic american new york guy he's friendly he's got a sense of humor. He's clever.

I was hoping for someone thin. And it's not that he's overweight, but someone who's very thin, kind of goth looking like, your time is coming. The Tim Burton version of an Undertaker. But he wasn't. I was wanting Jack Skellington. He wasn't Jack Skellington.

He turned up. He went, oh, sorry, I'm early. No one wants to see me early. Am I right? Oh, sure. He got a bunch he went, ah, sorry, I'm early. No one wants to see me early. Am I right? Oh, sure, he got a bunch of goats. Oh my God. That's great.

How on earth did that come across your desk? Because I wanted to talk to people who weren't comedians. Tomas, who's producing it, we talked about getting people on who weren't. And there have been other guests and there will be overtime, you know. I mean, it's just that you get people you know first. And you're in Scotland?

I record them here. I'm going to make a bunch this week. And you know what? You should do it this week. Wait, wait. How long are you in L.A.? You should both do it this week. I think I can do it this week.

If you do it, that would be great. No, I think I can. I don't want to feel like... I feel like, you know, you should be able to say, I don't know, I mean, I'm with the kids a bit this week. No, I would love a break from the kids. All right, fine. To be honest.

They also go to school, Craig. You guys are so fucking traditional. Give them a bone arrow. Give them a bow and arrow. Send them out in the woods. Find some Roman stuff. Loin claws. My oldest boy is now 13, and he's going to a boarding school. In what country?

In the UK. I don't want to say which one it is. It's Hogwarts. It is Hogwarts. It kind of is, actually. But he wanted to go. Oh, he wanted to go. I didn to go i didn't send him to school like that's it you disappointed me son listen i don't want to alienate any of my english listeners but

i have noticed some traditions that are confusing to me from where i grew up it wouldn't blow my mind if you sent him and that's what everyone does megan went to a boarding school and she loved it she's from vermont or something? Yeah, she's from New Hampshire. New Hampshire. Yeah. And she went to a boarding school when she was a teenager and loved it. And he wanted to go and try it and he loves it. And I'm like, the fuck's my dude?

Yeah, you miss him? Yeah, it's awful. Do you remember the Dangerfield movie? Back to School. Oh God, it's been a while. I think I've seen it. He does the triple Lindy in it. He goes to college with his son.

He had never gone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he puts a hot it. He does the triple Lindy in it. He goes to college with his son. He had never gone. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he puts a hot tub in the dorm room. He throws great parties. Yeah, no, no, there's one over there. The kid's a nerd, and he's, of course, Dangerfield. It's a perfect movie. Yeah.

Maybe you should replicate that. No, I don't think anybody wants that. So I dropped out of school when I was 16. I have nothing to base it on. And you are an electrical gadgetry apprentice how long did that last about 18 months oh okay do you feel i could maybe help you with your sockets can you help us with this situation can you solder well yeah i can solder i don't know that looks pretty it's advanced that looks like year three i never got that far let's just

say it's good you have backup panties if you're going to tackle that one. Yeah, that, to me, looks like a fire hazard. Oh, yeah. We should have an extinguisher up here. You don't have an extinguisher. We have extinguishers everywhere. We keep it risky. You do?

In your castle, nothing will even burn. It's a huff. It's a huff. I was talking to one of the guys who worked on the renovations. I didn't renovate it. And he said, yeah, when we were working on it, we found this little pool of mercury. And I was like, oh my God, because that's highly toxic substance. And he said it was just like rolling around in one of the rafters.

And I was like, what did you do? He said, well, we had to call the poison control guys, and they come, and the hazmat guys, and they take it all away. And I said, why would they have mercury? And he said, it's the weirdest thing. What they used to do is, when they were defending the house from people that were attacking it, in these tiny little windows, the archers would dip the arrows in mercury and fire them.

So even if you got grazed with it, you were dead. Oh, wow. Isn't that crazy? Of course, the archers would all die of mercury poisoning as well. But that's what they did. It was germ warfare. And someone just left a bunch of their mercury up in the rafters? Yeah, that's not all that was left there either.

Oh, really? They found some other stuff. Yeah, they found a body when they were renovating. They found a body? Was it mummified? It was very old. It was like 500 years old. No.

They found it in one of the walls. Is that Jeff? It is Jeff. Jeff is there now. Jeff is actually in the place where they find the body. That's where he is. Oh my gosh. Do you ever just go have a chat with him?

No. No. I don't. But I talk to Josh all the time. Yeah, you love Josh. I do love Josh. It's that chemistry thing you're talking about. Somebody that just makes you laugh.

I mean, that motherfucker makes me laugh like nobody else. He's unbelievable. Some people wake up your spirit. Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did a thing once. I still, that motherfucker makes me laugh like nobody else. He's unbelievable. Some people wake up your spirit. Something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did a thing once. I still laugh about it. He impersonates a lot of people, and he was doing R2D2, but he did him as a kind of wise guy, kind of from New York.

Hey, are you still on Beedle-Beedle-Beedle? What the weirdest fucking thing is? He's very, very creative. And, of course course like many of us he has his demons now you just can't leave feel the force boss

very very funny man well I adore you and I really hope this comes together and I hope you enjoyed seeing your old talk show soulmate definitely

people used to always say who was your favourite guest and I would always say Betty White because it's respectful yeah and also betty asked me yeah betty shuffled off and now that betty's gone no kristen was the evidence was there anyway 63 appearances something like that yeah it's crazy was it 63 i don't think it was 63 but it was a lot of calls of, hey, somebody can't come in on Tuesday. Can you be here at four? Sure.

That's a real gesture of love and support and desperation and all the things that make relationships great. It was always fun. It always pushed my boundaries a little bit again because I do want everything to be planned so that I feel safe. But the fact that I felt so safe with you and your team and yet I knew every time I got there, you'd rip up those cards, and it would just be a free-for-all, and we'd see what we got. Do you know what's so weird about that? Is that I never knew that about you until this moment. Really?

Yeah, I always thought you were like, ah, fuck it, let's do it. Let's party. Yeah, that's fine. Because I remember walking around Montmartre with you and Eddie Izzard. We were in that fancy restaurant with Jean Reno talking about the meaning of life and all that shit. Had you already done Couples Retreat at that point?

You don't know. Now my memory's so bad. I don't know. You must have. I must have. Because we had been together for a while. Now, did Jean Reno actually remember me from Couples Retreat? I highly doubt that.

Okay, that's fair. I don't think. He's a little too European to remember. He's very European and he was very serious and that was just quite the juxtaposition between walking the streets with Eddie who was like so irreverent and then Jean Reno was very serious and

using the right silverware at the duck restaurant. Yeah, yeah. Tour d'Argent. I tell this story at the risk of really offending scuba aficionados like they're going to come after me for this. Fuck those guys. They've had it there way too long. Those scuba aficionados. Fuck're gonna come after me for this they've had it there way too long those scuba officials fuck those people self-contained underwater breathing apparatus so she does couples retreat it's in bora bora i'm just there hanging and writing and jean renault's in the movie and he has brought his diving master from when he did the big blue do you remember that

incredible luke bassan movie so they have been friends since that movie and that was probably 20 years prior to this that guy's there like i'm there right he's hanging with jean renault and they go on dives any day that he has the day off and he invites all of us to go diving and he says do you have any experience and i go no none whatsoever i've ever been down more than like 10 feet in a pool no problem you know so and so is there they took all of us diving and we fucking dove like we were down down deep in caves and everything and it was the most thrilling wild tons of lemon sharks have you done it i did shark week on the discovery channel yeah you have a moment where you're going down down down and whatever that guy's showing us at what speed to go down blah blah, blah, blah, to be safe. But then you look up and you go, okay, if my air ran out right now, I can't get to the top. Nope.

Right? That crosses your mind every time? I'm, in fact, one of the aforementioned scuba aficionados. Okay, are you pissed that I did this? I'm a little annoyed. But, you know, I'm trying not to let my love of scuba get in the way of our friendship. But the thing that struck me about it the first time I saw it is that when you go underwater, the first time you see the silhouette of a shark in the distance and think,

it's the first time in my fucking life I've not been top of the food chain. This is terrifying. I'm prey. All the instincts are there. Yeah. Stuff you didn't know was there. Have you swam with some big sharks? Yeah.

Yeah. Did you do Shark Week as well? I didn't do Shark Week, but I cage dove with great whites oh geez and were there like biting the side of the tiger sharks as well no they were very nice oh they were yeah nice guys yeah it's that chemistry thing i have such an oblivious perspective about the reality of predators because I don't get scared around animals. This is true. And so going into the cage, you know, I was like up against it saying hi to everyone who was swimming around me. That's a little weird. I feel tons of fear about other things, but I don't feel fear about that. Like when we went to Africa. Have you done that a

safari? No, no, I never have. We did it. Heavenly. And you're in the Jeep with no door. I've got one of those. Then you're halfway there. Yeah, I'll drive. The lion walks up next to the fucking Jeep and you're two feet away from it. There's nothing between you and the lion turns and

locks eyes with you and in your head you're like, the driver said we don't represent their prey because we're in a car, nothing to worry about. I'm shitting bricks. All I could do not to reach out and pet him. Yeah. I mean, really, but I did.

I was smart enough to know, like, you can't touch them. But I just don't know. Never bothered. And I was a wreck the first week we were there. I was like, one of them's going to jump in. Why wouldn't they? Hungry enough. They looked me dead in the eyes.

They know I'm here. I found it very scary. As delicious as you look look maybe you're just not to a lion's taste clearly not or i would have been got is that the thing is like once they've tasted human flesh that's the rumor i think that's probably made up then like it or don't like it yeah they taste human they taste human flesh then they turn into vampires or something. I don't know. You have to bite them into your house or something. I can't remember.

They say that about polar bears too. There's like other bears. Polar bears will stalk you. Oh, sure. You'd be on the plane going home and the polar bear

would be a couple of seats behind you reading the newspaper like wearing a hat. With a hat, yeah. A gabardine hat. I'm just going to Reno. No wine for me, thank you.

I have my sights on something else. That's a great pull of her voice. That's better than mine. Mine was like, hey, how you doing? I like yours. Yours is from New York. That's all I can do. Hey, how's you doing?

How's you doing? Hey, how's you doing? Oh, my God. All right, well, we adore you. I'm so glad you came in. I miss you. Oh, last thing. I had some anticipation of seeing how you look because I haven't seen you in person in 10 years.

You look even fucking cooler. Don't you think, Kristen? Yeah, you're cute as can be. How fucking cool is he looking with this hairdo? Very white. You've gotten more tats. Yeah, it's so cool. I love more tats.

I remember when you first got your snake. Yeah. I love that you're going to name Anonymous in press and television, but you have a fucking poster on your arm. Like, you're really picking your battles here. You're going to be in the photos with a big A symbol on your arm. No, it's on my inner arm, and it's behind a crow. I think I'll be all right.

We both have crows. Yeah, you got to have crows. You got to have a crow. You're not coming to my house in Scotland unless you got a fucking crow. Well, then I'll be there. Listen, okay. This is more, I think you and I are like twins separated by. We're brothers.

Okay. Why do you love the crow? I want to know if it's the same reason I do. I don't have a specific reason, but I will tell you a story about a crow very quickly. Tell it long way. You know the little bit where Highland and Franklin meet? So I'm driving there one day and and it was raining, and I was with Megan. And then a crow just went out of a fucking wormhole.

I'd never seen anything like it in my fucking life. It just appeared. I swear to God. It materialized. And I said to Megan, did you see that? Did you see that? And she went, yeah, they do that all the time. And I was like, I didn't know they could do that.

You didn't know they could apparate and disappear? Apparently they can. They can apparate. Wow. And that's why you... No, I don't want to annoy any cruel aficionados who say, no, that is not the behavior exhibited by a cruel. A Corvid expert? Yeah, but I like them.

They're magic. Okay, you like them because they just appear out of nowhere. I like them because they're magical birds. Because they're magical. Yeah. Okay, let's see if you can relate to mine though okay so if you can find a toehold which is they're not the prettiest bird but they're the smartest yeah facial recognition and you can get pretty far i see where you're going i think that's why i like them now yeah i'm hooking on you just haven't articulated it yeah you explained it to me. You explained my love of crows to me and that is why your podcast

is so much better than my podcast. No way, no way, no way. And we have a ton of them in the yard, which is such a delight. And we also have a hawk in the yard. And again, they're not the toughest either, but they're fearless. Anytime the hawk takes flight,

five of them go up and just start dive bombing. The hawk doesn't give a fuck, which is also cool. Yeah, that's right. Just like chill. Does the hawk smoke? I feel like the hawk smoke i feel like yes camel lights yeah soft pack only never hard rolled up in the wing yeah there's always one left in there too i have been trying so hard to get them to recognize our faces and to start exchanging gifts because i've read about it and seen people to do

it and i do have a basket inside that's labeled for the crows. And it's like peanuts, trail mix, kibble. There's just like dog kibble, shiny things. Like I steal some of the kids' little toys and trinkets and put them in there. And I thought I was onto something the other day because sometimes we'll see like 15 of them just swooping around and I'll go outside and I'll just throw it all over the yard. It was Hitchcock Indian the other day. There was like 45 in a tree. And I was like, we're about 10 away from it getting scary.

It was awesome. One of them came down and took a branch from the olive tree, like from the ground to their nest. And I screamed at everybody in the house, nobody go near the windows. And I went and got the crow basket and I just started putting all the foods because they said, you don't know what each individual crow is going to like so you got to put a lot of stuff out there hoping that one of them would come back and nobody came back. They might have more expensive taste. You need to put some more expensive stuff out there. You think so? You're supposed to

like dog kibble. Beverly Hills crows, that's kind of what it is. Right, we're in LA. We're joking about this but it is true that these things are spoiled, rotten, living in LA. If we lived in the middle of nowhere in Wyoming and we put out the shit we put out, the crows would go bananas.

They'd be all over it because all they're eating is fucking sour berries off of trees. But they're living so large here with all the fruit trees that are in the area. They don't really give a fuck when we put food out. I've put meat out. I've done it all.

Oh, there was a- Barbecued pork. You put meat out? No, there was a time when Dax put a bunch of salami over the top of his truck, on the top of the truck bed. I totally knew that. Because that's where they were landing. And he was like, maybe if I just spread all this out. He doesn't love a good salami.

I'm going to do that when I get home. You must. I'm going to do that. I'm going to get a great truck, and I'm going to put salami on my truck. Slather the roof. This is so good. I'm picking up such great tips. And I kind of learned to call like they do.

I put so much time into this crow thing. Let's hear it. I can barely remember it by the time. All right. That's what they sound like in our yard. It's not bad. But oftentimes he's just standing out in the yard going, crows, with his arm up in the air.

Crows. That sounds a bit in the air. Crows! That sounds a bit more like Teletubbies right there. Might attract some of them, too. Crows! Uh-oh! Crow for down! Crow for down! Crow facial recognition! Oh, why were they so creepy?

Teletubbies. I think that's a little judgmental. It is. I'll own my judgment. Here come the Teletubbies. I liked them. The Teletubbies are going to come for us. I remember watching them when the boys were really little.

I'd watch the Teletubbies and I'd be like, man, I wish I still took a shish. This would be a ride. There's like a little hash oil. If this gets over just imagine oh man especially Tinky Winky oh I hate it Tinky Winky was great

Tinky Winky far down uh oh uh oh Tinky Winky alright Craig so much fun seeing you everybody listen to About Joy

a podcast it's just called Joy I think it's just called Joy it's just called Joy, I think. It's just called Joy. It's just called Joy? Yeah, it's just Joy. Are you positive? No, I look it up on the... I think you're wrong about this. Really? It might be about Joy. Let me pull it up. I think it's important that you know.

I turn my... Joy. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. We'll edit out all the About. No, no. I mean, look. It's okay. No, no, no. We'll steam ahead. Everybody listen to About Joy. Oh no! With Craig Ferguson. Adore you. Thanks for coming. No, no, no. We'll steam ahead. Everybody listen to About Joy. Oh, no. With Craig Ferguson. Adore you.

Thanks for coming. Thanks, guys. Stay tuned for the fact check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. Should we warn the cherries right now? What? We just, we've been interviewing for, I i guess like six hours at this point we're tired well we're just slap happy a little bit oh yeah well okay you're tired i'm a little tired i'm exhausted but it gets to the point when we do armchair anonymous because we'll do eight in a row

by the end you and i are kind of off our rockers that's fair to say right we're in another zone which i love. It's like being at a sleepover and everything's silly. They call it slap happy, but why? Slap happy. What does it mean? Why? Rob, what's the meaning of slap happy?

So 1930s originally described someone who's punch drunk or stupefied from repeated blows to the head. Yeah, no punch drunk. So itpefied from repeated blows to the head yeah no punch drunk so it's related to that slap happy like a slap happy boxer oh i'm not getting much out of that well it goes back to the thing you don't like fighting simmy i also want to tell the cherries that you were waving goodbye to people on these calls and it looked preposterous why does it look preposterous first of all waving goodbye on a zoom is just funny and i've done it too i love doing it waving not assume bye okay what's the difference between on a zoom in in real life i feel like waving goodbye is something you do when there's a great distance between you all right take care or hey hi you would never walk up to somebody face to face and wave and go hi right that is insane

and nor would you be talking like okay you're taking off cool bye and you wouldn't wave no waving's for distance listen well first of all zoom is the ultimate distance people were across the country okay if you're talking literally. Okay, that's a check in my box. Now, two, if- We're face to face though. Two, if you're standing here by my chair and I'm just one foot away about to walk out the door, this is what I would do.

Hand on the door, start to open, look back, bye. And I would wave. You would throw a wave out. I do. I wave at you all the time you never really yeah this looks crazier on tv because i'm watching it i can't see you waving i'm looking forward at the camera or the computer yeah and all i see is next to me i see In a parade. Homecoming parade. Pardon.

Pardon me. Did you get any boogers? Not boogers, just a tiny bit of. Your nose doesn't run much, right? No, and actually this is a great. What am I doing? You're just picking your nose very openly. No, I have tissue. tissue i love it i was like just getting the wetness okay can i say something about people who are doing what you're doing right now people who do what you're doing which is i feel like when i have tissue like if i have to blow my nose or

pick my nose yeah in public or something of Of course I use tissues, but I don't use the motion, the one finger picking motion. Pushing up into the. Yeah. But you know, I just want to be clear. I'm not picking. I would never pick my nose with tissue. I would use my fingernail.

When I do this, I'm trying to get like whatever snot's in there. Okay. I'm not picking. I don't have any boogers. I just have some drainage. Right. It looks very. Like I in there. Okay. I'm not picking up. I don't have any boogers. I just have some drainage. Right. It looks very. Like I'm picking.

Yeah. It looks like you're picking and you just chose to put a little tissue on top and you might as well just take the tissue off. You've been busted in your car picking your nose, haven't you? Where you've looked over and you realize, yeah, they just saw me pick my nose. Oh, God. I'm sure. Yeah.

I mean, I've never noticed someone noticing, but I'm sure I've i've never i've never noticed someone noticing but i'm sure i've picked my nose and people have noticed i have and then let me add that my general assumption of how many people recognize me in general life is like one in a hundred that's kind of like what i operate with thinking when i look over and someone has seen me pick my nose, I'm like, they 100% know me. I go straight to, they've got a story now. And little do they know, I'm just trying to get some of the drainage out. My mom has a very drain-y nose as well. She does.

Allergies. I don't know what it is, but we were actually just talking about this, that she just always has. She has a cold, right? Well, she has an active cold. is that what you're thinking no no no not not because of the cold okay just in general right i think mine is pretty dry as a nose yeah it makes sense because you don't pee you have a dry nose you're just generally kind of dehyd. Oh, allergies. Yeah. I notice this when I travel. I don't have a runny nose when I leave California.

I'm allergic to something in California. Yeah. I didn't have one growing up habitually like Erin always did. But in California, I do. We have bad air. Bad air and then dogs. I live with dogs. Yes. Which is not great, even though they're hypoallergenic.

I don't know that I trust that. Because I was just gone for a week and I noticed, oh, I don't have any of that shit. Oh, wow. Yeah. You know what really sucks? Don't you think if you see someone attractive picking their nose, it's fine? Of course. I know.

Yeah, I like anything someone that I'm attracted to does. Oh, I just meant, I meant more blanketly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Strangers. This is the tax that I'm always talking about that exists in life. There's a tax on people that aren't super hot. I know. Yes, it's the, you know, it came up in the Megan Phelps Roper, which she totally owned, which is I'm not like beating, but she was so shown so much patience while she was a Westboro Baptist member.

Right. And by her eventual husband. Yeah. And I was like, if you're not attractive, no one's going to show you that patience. It would be harder. Yeah. That's what's really unfair about planet earth. Yeah.

I wonder if people see you picking their If someone saw you picking your nose And you're not famous Right You're a stranger I can't pull it off I'm so big Can you pull it

No I'm too big Like look at that fucking big guy over there He's like an oaf Yes exactly An ogre Yeah That's where my size would work against me But do you think you do a daintily

Me Yeah when you pick your nose No if I gotta pick my nose I work against me. But do you think you do a daintily? Me? Yeah, when you pick your nose. No, if I'm going to pick my nose, I just fucking pick it. You do? Yes. If it needs picking. It's so rare that I have a booger. But I would just.

Oh, yeah, I've seen you do that. Yeah, I would just pick it. I don't, you know. What am I going to do? I'm going to worry more about what someone thinks than this annoying booger in my nose. I can't do it. Well, that's my privilege. Okay, see, sometimes you act, well, kind of, and sometimes you act like you care so much

about people's approval, but not so much that you can't even not pick your nose. Well, I do think that's true. I'm not really that codependent, yet I do want everyone's approval. Yeah, that makes no sense. Well, it's just, I'm going to spend a lot of my energy trying to win you over, but I'm also not going to be someone I'm not for you to approve of me. Yeah, that's okay sense. Well, it's just I'm going to spend a lot of my energy trying to win you over. But I'm also not going to be someone I'm not for you to approve of me. Yeah, that's okay. I like that. But I'm going to chase your approval for sure.

Okay. When you were little. Yeah, never was, but go ahead. Yes, you were. I was born this size. When you would pick your nose. Yeah. Where'd you put it?

Anywhere I could. My sock, under the bed. Yes. You know, yeah. On the bed frame. Yeah. Where'd you put it? Anywhere I could. My sock, under the bed. Yes. You know, yeah, on the bed frame, under my desk at school. Yes. Now, I do have this really, it's one of my most visceral, distinct memories. Okay. My brother was playing flag football, and I had to go to the game.

And I was sitting on this log that had been laid out. It was like a parking, like to stop people from from it was like demarcating the parking lot so it's this long log like a telephone pole on its side i'm just sitting there watching the game i'm bored out of my mind this little boy my age sits down next to me and he's like you're a brother playing too and i'm like yeah beat beat beat do you eat your boogers first second question do you eat your boogers and i go no which i didn't yeah he goes really and i go no and he goes i do i'm like oh and then we did not talk but we sat on this log next to each other. And I just remember, even at that age. How old was he? We were both probably seven.

And even at that age, I knew that this was an awkward experience. You don't think kids feel awkward, but I remember feeling awkward. Like, Jesus, where do we go from this question? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. The bed frame is common. Took a lot of boogers at you.

I don't want to talk about it, but we are talking about it. Well, you already exposed your position. I did, because I was curious if I was alone. Yeah, and you were very excited and relieved when I would put it on my bed frame. I can remember feeling the steel bed frame under my bed where I would place boogers. I got to tell you one more thing while we're on the topic of my runny nose. Okay. And you've witnessed it.

So I have always, I have to have a box of Kleenex next to my bed because I'm constantly. I think about you a lot whenever there are tissues because you need tissues everywhere. Yes. So what's so embarrassing I realize is like, let's say the housekeepers have come on Friday and I forgot for some reason to pick up the, there's always three tissues on my bed because I'm also super frugal with the tissues.

I won't just use it once and then throw it away. I like nurse them for the whole night. And so every now and then I've left and I go, oh, fuck. The cleaners are here. And I forgot to throw out my- There's like three tissues that have been used. Yeah. And then I think, do they think-

You're awful. Well, do they? It's awful, period, if it's just a tissue from my nose. Oh, you think like- But do they think I've left behind beat off tissues? No. They don't. Absolutely do.

In a bet, right? Maybe. No. I'm constantly wondering what they think because A, the tissues is weird. I mean, they're probably like. What a pig. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's true. And I usually really remember to do that. You're not a pig, I will say. But often, I don't give myself a bunch of ample time. I just have enough time to do the little things. Yeah, we all do this. And then I take the kids to school. And then so often when I come back in, it's off to the races.

And I don't even go back upstairs. And those are the times where it's happened. And I hate that I've done that. And I do worry they think I'm beating it off. Are they ever right? No. That I would never leave on my bed. I don't know why I think it's fine to leave like some mildly snotty tissues on my bed.

But I would not leave that on my bed. Yeah. I think that's correct. Reasonable. Yeah. Okay. Oh, man. Oh, boy.

Rob, did you ever put your boogers on your bed frame? Be honest. I think I'd flick them in the carpet. Okay. Sure. It's very universal, people. Everyone has boogers. Everyone does have boogers, but I don't know if everyone does the same thing with it.

Everyone is gross with themselves. They are. I really believe that, yes. I think so, too. Because anyone I've ever gotten close enough and been intimate with, I have found out they same thing everyone is gross with themselves i really believe that yes i think everyone's because anyone i've ever gotten close enough and been intimate with i have found out they were also gross i just have never as soon as i've gotten very close to somebody i do discover that they're equally as disgusting as i am yeah i'd help that aaron and i were best friends because he is just

so honest about everything he does i just don't think that girls are talking about where they're putting their boogers. Probably. I wouldn't know, obviously. I don't think I've ever talked about that. You and Kelly have never talked about that? No. Okay. Only just now me and you are talking about that.

Okay, in America. Yeah. Yeah, just me, you, and America. I had a lovely night last night. Okay, let's hear it i participated in this fundraiser that paul sheer and his wife june put on right feel yes hyper talented couple yeah very and they put on this spectacular show it was like doing the oscars i mean i can't believe how well run it was at the amorphium what is it orheum. I cannot get the name of that.

This is like the 20th time I've gone. Orpheum. Okay, cool. Have you been there? Big theater. Like, I don't know, a couple thousand seats or something. Yeah. So Paul had asked me to do it and I was like, yeah, absolutely.

And then I said, what am I doing? And he said, you're going to go on stage and you're going to do one minute interviews and you will not know the questions and you don't know who you're going to interview. And I said, okay, great. So I went there and by the way, I'm on the fence of this is a gross story to tell or not. Because they're going to tell about your piece? No, but I could.

I got a sweatshirt I love that I, because I was watching our favorite documentary. Beckham. Beckham documentary and his teammate had this sweater. And you're obsessed now with Beckham's style. So obsessed. Yes. It's laughable how obsessed I am.

Weirdly, it wasn't one of his outfits. It was his teammates who also had really good style. And he was also the cutest guy in it besides Beckham. Which one? Short, black hair. Well, he's in that fucking sweatshirt I wore. Is he the one that was on manchester united yes yes oh i loved him seemed very low-key i liked him a lot and a kind of sarcastic and funny he's awesome

and he had the great he had great style he had a couple good pieces so you've invested in some pieces i have i've gone down your road i know and nothing makes me more thrilled it's exciting we're gonna share this now the way it happened happened too is Charlie and I were watching the Beckham Dock in Austria, in Austin. And I'm like, fuck, what do you think of that hoodie? He's like, it's incredible. And they keep coming to him. I'm like, fuck, that thing is awesome. And he's like, it's so cool.

I go online and I look, see if I could find that said piece. And I found it. Yeah. But in a zipper version. But that's not even the story. But I did wear that last night. Yeah. it. Yeah. But in a zipper version. But that's not even the story but I did wear that last night and it made me feel very confident. Yes.

Maybe it is a actually it probably is a little bit a part of the story. Okay. I go there and It's Burberry. I just wanted to say. Thanks for putting me on blast.

I have to. If I were talking about the row. It is. It is. It's a Burberry sweatshirt. Yeah. And the hoodie part is the classic Burberry pattern.

And I have this already this attachment to the Burberry pattern because one time in an international airport, I had all these Euros and I didn't want to bring them back because they just sit in my fucking dresser and I forget to bring them the next time. So I was like, what am I going to do? There was a Burberry store. I've never been in one. I go in there. I'm like, what can I buy with these remaining Euros?

They had a belt. Yeah. I barely wanted to get this belt. Yeah. And it became my favorite belt for like five years. I wore it until it didn't work anymore. No. If you image Google search you.

Yeah. The belt is in pictures. It is? Yes. Because you know, also I got, I tried to get it for you. Yes, you got me one. It's just the wrong size. Oh, fuck.

I would have returned it. Oh, it's hanging in my, like I would never get rid of it, but it also doesn't function as a belt. Oh my God. Okay. Well, we should, maybe I could still return it. But I don't think it's exact because I don't think they had that exact one anymore. It wasn't exact.

But it's the same pattern. But worse, it's not the right size for me because it does look great. So I go there and I see Andrea Savage right away. Old friend. Great. Love Andrea. So I have fun talking to her. And then there's Jack Block's there.

Great. Bryan Cranston's there. Oh. And Jeremy Allen White is there. Yeah, Jeremy Allen White. And I go introduce myself to him and he's fucking so cute. It's outrageous. And I tell him, my friend Monica just saw you at Little Dom's.

And he goes, oh my God, really? She should have said hi. I love the show. So now I'm just like, I can't believe he loves the show. Me either. He loves you. And I'm like, oh my God, this is so exciting. What if she would have said hi?

Who knows what would have happened? Well, he was in conversation. I haven't told that story on here. It was very exciting. But you had spotted him at that restaurant. I spotted him at Little Dom's. I recognized him from the back. Yes, yes, yes.

Which says a lot. Yes. I could see his arm. Yeah, that's nice. And I thought, I really think, and like his hair, but I think maybe he was wearing a hat. He just exudes a vibe. He does. Like you can feel his vibe.

And I said to who I was with, I was like, I think that's Jeremy Allen White. And they were like, oh my God, he's so hot. Yes, of course. And I was like, I know, I can't really tell if it's him, but I really think it's him. Yeah. And I don't, I really, I don't know if people believe me or not, and I don't really care if they do, but I really hardly care anymore. Sure. About celebrity encounters.

Yeah, but if they're like bonafide sex machines. So hot. Yes. Yes, of course. Yes. And it was actually, I found it exciting and sort of, it tickled me. Yeah, it took you back. That I was excited about this. Yes, of course. Yes. And it was actually, I found it exciting and sort of, it tickled me that I was excited about this. Yes, yes. And I was trying to figure out if it was him.

And I did something I never do. Oh, my God. I actually, am I allowed to say this? I hope this doesn't get anyone in trouble. Okay, but you asked the server or something? Yes. I didn't, I started to, like, I felt I had to know.

Yes, yes. We're friendly. We go to Little Dom's a ton and we're friendly with a lot of the servers. So our server came up checking on us and I said, I can't believe I'm about to do this, but is,

and then she said, it is him. Uh-huh, because she was all fluttered too, probably. I'm sure everyone was. The whole restaurant's fucked up. I can't imagine having that power. You do. I do not have that power, no.

Don't you feel sometimes, okay, let's talk about this. Okay, okay. Because I'm starting to feel it too, on my end, where do we do this too much where we can't stop talking about how ugly we think we are? Yes, it's so annoying to people. It must be. Uh-huh.

And I try to admit, I try to mix in the reality. I'm so lucky. I don't look how I want to look, but I'm so lucky. I know, but then I don't like us then having to do, then this part also feels gross too. All right, let's just, we'll stop doing that. Let's commit to like, we're not going to say that we're not hot anymore. Okay, but like, it is still how I feel.

And so then it comes up. Well, and I think it's preposterous that you're saying that I have an effect on people that Jeremy does, because I just was around him. But you do. And so then this is the trap. I've actually noticed it on Synced because it'll come up of my feelings about myself. And Liz, she gets angry about it.

I understand. That's why I'm acknowledging because I'm sure there are many dudes looking at me and going, fuck you. But also, yeah, I mean, I know for sure it's happening at restaurants. Jimmy told you Molly has a crush on you. Well, she likes my personality. We talk all the time to people who said you're their hall pass. That's the thing. You can't penetrate. I've been trying to convince you you're attractive, and it's not worked, and it's been eight years.

And yes, so you're right. It's probably exhausting, and let's try to put it to bed. I agree. That's a good policy. But we probably will still do it. Well, it might burble up sometimes yeah but but yes i think that's a good idea so we'll stop and i'm grateful i truly am grateful like as much as i would i don't like how i look i'm also more than i am that i'm grateful oh yeah that's what i also

try to make clear that in some of those episodes like it's. I don't feel like that's holding me back that I don't love the way I look. Yeah, I don't feel like, who's the humpback or what was his name? The hunchback. The hunchback from Notre Dame. You mean Shrek. Right, I don't feel like Shrek.

I don't feel like an ogre or anything. Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Everything's great. Except when you're picking on us. Okay, listen, we're off topic. But anyways, I mean him and it's really fun yes and i felt it a few different times before this but when i really felt it

again i don't know if this whole story is going to be gross and a waste of time but i'm walking across now backstory i've met jack black twice i think in my life and i don't think i've seen him for eight years ten years i'm an enormous fan of his. I think he's so talented. Me too. I was, when I met him the previous couple of times, I'm like intimidated and I think I'm worried he thinks I'm a piece of shit, right? Like it's, I was active in my mind because I like him so much.

Yeah. So I am walking across this green room and it's very large. And then I see him sitting on a couch and I think I'm going to go grab my shit and I'm going to go sit down and talk to him. And then I start beelining over to my Diet Cokes and my spit cup. And I hear Jack goes, are you going to act like you didn't see me?

He yells that. Because he saw me look at him and then look away. And I go, no, that's not, I'm literally going to get my shit because I saw you and I decided I wanted to sit next to you. He's like, oh, okay, whatever. And I'm like, no, sincerely, that's what was happening. So I go sit on the couch with him and I talk to him for like a half hour. It's totally fun. I'm so relaxed.

I just feel so relaxed. I have to go out on stage. I feel so relaxed when I go out on stage. I get to interview Kamal. Then Jeremy, Alan White, and then Jack Black. So fun. And I drove away and I was like, wow, that's the first time I think ever that I felt I completely belong. I have no less than feelings.

That's great. I don't need to win anyone over. I want to be very clear. I I have no less than feelings. That's great. I don't need to win anyone over. I want to be very clear. I didn't have more than feelings. Yes. It's not like I was going, I'm hot shit. Yeah. But I just, the racket was gone entirely for maybe the first time in my life.

And I just, I walked in there. I was by myself, but that didn't make me feel insecure. Good. And I meandered over here. And then I talked to Andrea. And I'm like, oh, yeah, I have friends here, and I belong here. Yes. And maybe in the past I would have watched,

because I was offstage watching Bryan Cranston, and he's doing a monologue, and he's just so fucking talented and gifted. And there have been times in my life where I would have been watching that thinking, like, God, you're such a shitty actor. You would never be able to do that, or he's so good and you're bad. They would never ask me to do something like that. Sure. And he's kind to me, but he knows I can't do what he can do. Like, I would have that racket. And I was just watching him and I was just thinking, I'm so delighted that I get to share a stage with someone like this. And I deserve to say, I don't do what he does,

but I do a thing at this point and I am comfortable doing it and people seem to like it just fine and it was just like the calmest I've ever felt and just no less than this

which was really new and I felt very grateful and I'm like oh maybe this is like about getting older and stuff like you kind of shut the fuck up

about your this racket in your head about everything yeah so it was a really pleasing experience for many reasons the show was really fun stuff like you kind of shut the fuck up about your this racket in your head about everything yeah so it's a really pleasing experience for many reasons the show was really fun i got to talk to a bunch of people i really like and it was fun and then i just never felt insecure shitty good yeah it was really nice i love that yeah and like jeremy i'm talking to jeremy and it's like i'm never gonna be as cool as this guy but that's not what i'm thinking about

like this sean penn vibe he's got, which is so awesome. He's awesome. He's so fucking awesome. But I love that he's awesome. Yeah. And it has nothing to do with me that he's awesome. Yeah, exactly. Fucking this flies on the attack now.

I told you. There's a fly in here not because of my flies. Well. It's not my flies. We'll see. I've already had my flies. Checked. For the month. That was the story I wanted to tell you. I love it. That's not my flies we'll see i've already had my flies checked for the month that was the story i want to tell you i love it i that's not gross that's really nice i wonder if i'll get there i think i will you will yeah yeah you will i mean i already i have it in some

i have it in some elements but not in all right elements. Right, right. But that's really cool. But I think a lot of us suffer from, I know Kristen does. She's very open about it. We suffer from wanting to be able to do everything. And when we're in the face of things that we probably can't do, we feel deficient. Yeah. It's very common, too, with actors. Because it's like, well, I don't know. Are you a dramatic actor?

Are you a comedian? How funny of a comedian are you? I'm a comedic actor. I'm not a stand-up. All these little dumb categories. And then you appreciate everyone else's talent. And then you recognize you're not in all these categories. And so I think it's pretty natural to be thinking about it.

But I think the thing I know you'll get to is just like, I do something. The Jack Black thing is, I think, maybe the easiest one for me to pinpoint because in the past I would have thought, fuck, I'm not as funny as Jack Black. And I'm not. I am not as funny as Jack Black. Yeah, yeah. Objectively, I am not. Yeah.

Yet Jack Black is not something that I am as well. Right? And I just finally feel like I'm just delighted with whatever thing I'm doing that people seem to like. Actually, I'm just like grateful for it. And it's totally the perfect amount of the thing I'm supposed to be. For sure. I mean, the thing that you are so good at is getting showcased in a real way through this. That's your true thing you have to offer the world.

And there's a platform for it, and it's getting recognized and seen, and that's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah, I guess the show is a big part of this, because even the premise of me being on that stage is I am doing an interview. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And part of the thing that they had written, not me, but it's like, you know, the premise, I got to say the premise, like, hi, you know, I don't know if you guys have heard Armchair Expert, but I do these long form things in two hours. We're going to change that tonight. I'm going to do it for one minute and I'm not going to know anything, blah, blah, blah.

That's kind of the setup. But there is some part of me that I know I have to say Armchair Expert on the stage. I don't know what audience is here because it's not our audience. It's not like we threw the live show. And so some part of me is like, be prepared that maybe not one person claps or knows what you're talking about. You got to imagine that's also on the table. Yeah. And then when I say armchair expert, there's a bunch of armchairs there. Oh, sweet.

And then I go like, oh, right. Yes, that's the thing I do now. And I love it. It's nice to know what I do, I guess. Yeah. To know that you're in your element. Yeah. Well, speaking of someone in their element. Yeah.

Craig Ferguson. Oh, is he ever. That guy's very comfy in his own skin, isn't he? He is. Okay. So he talked about the diversity in Glasgow, Glasgow, Glasgow, Glasgow. It is diverse. Largest percentage of ethnic minority groups of all. And a higher percentage of population recorded their ethnic group as Pakistani in Glasgow, 4% compared to other selected Scottish cities, around 1%. Now, how do you say, save the country?

Pakistan. Right. And you notice that President Obama always said Pakistan. And then made me think, well, certainly he must know how to say it more than I trust how I say it. But I trust how I say it. But when I say Pakistan, it sounds insane. It does. It actually sounds racist.

It does. Also because it's not, it wouldn't be Pakistan. But that is how he says it. No, he says Pakistan. Pakistan. Which is actually how you say it. Okay. But here, I think it's a, you can say Pakistan. Which is actually how you say it. Okay. But here, I think you can say Pakistan.

Yeah. To me, it sounds like when I've tried to say it like him, people think, oh, Jesus, he doesn't know how to say that. I agree. He doesn't care about that country. He's racist. Exactly. So I think it's fine for you to say Pakistan.

No, Pakistan. You can say. Pakistan? Just don't. You can say- Pakistan? Just don't overthink it. Okay. I don't know that I'll ever be able to just let it roll. Say it really fast. Yeah, you're good.

You're fucking good. I feel fine saying it. You're Desi. Desi. Desi. You're Desi, so you're covered. Desi. Oh, good.

Or fucked. Yeah, it's too late. It's not Desi. That I know for sure. It's Desi. Glasgow. covered. Daisy. Oh, good. Or fucked. Yeah, it's too late. It's not Desi. That I know for sure. It's Daisy. Glasgow. Glasgow. Glasgow.

Or Glasgow. Anyway. Okay. He said you compared Toronto. Yeah. And then he said, yeah, but it's not as clean. So then I wanted to look up the top, the cleanest cities. Great idea.

In the world. Oh, man. Here we go. Okay. You want to guess? I think it'll take too long. But yeah, there's a couple. Tokyo.

Hamburg's going to be on my list. Okay. Toronto, I guess. Okay. Stockholm. Okay. Okay. You ready?

I'll leave it there. Okay. Yeah. Copenhagen. Okay. Denmark. Yeah. Beautiful city.

Singapore City. Okay. That makes sense. I've been there. My mom, she really wants to go to Singapore. She's always, like she's wanted to go for a long time. She should join me when I go for the Formula One race. When are you going to go?

It's big on my list. It's the only place I'm really still dying to go. Because I want to stay at the Bay, the Grand Bay Resort. It overlooks the whole track. It's this huge two different buildings, but on top it's joined on top by like this huge cement cruise ship basically. There's like swimming pools and tons of restaurants and bars and you can just like be in the pool looking over the side at the race. Whoa. What's it called, Rob?

The Grand Bay? The Marina Bay Sands. Marina Bay. That's it. Cool. September 2024. Okay. Is the race Sands? Marina Bay. That's it. September 2024. Okay. Is the race? Yeah. Book it.

I have to say something. This website With the cleanest cities? This website of the cleanest cities is the Malaysian-Singaporean Bruinian Community Association. Well, that feels a little biased.

I have another. I was looking at another list that Google had, and you were naming them. Yeah, I'm still going to do these. And also, I do know Singapore is extremely clean because my mother has been obsessed with Singapore for quite a while and really wants to go. And every time she talks about it, she says, it's supposed to be so clean. Right. As if like that's priority number

one is cleanliness. Well, I know when my mom and I, my mom and I were there together in 97 and we had been told it was illegal to chew gum there, which it is because they don't want gum on the street. And we smuggled gum off. Of course you did. You had to. She and I are outlaws. And we kept looking at each other while we were chewing our gum. You guys. I know. That's who we are. Sorry.

Wow. Okay. Ready? Yeah. Helsinki, Finland. Sure. Brisbane, Australia. Ah.

I'm surprised. Brisbane. Hamburg. Ah. I got one. Ding, ding, ding. Germany. Stockholm, Sweden.

Got one. Sapporo, Japan. Sure. The home of the beer. Cleanest city in Japan because it was the host of the Winter Olympics in 72. And they kept it so clean for 50 years. One of the world's cleanest cities and ranked first for two consecutive years by Keep America Beautiful. I would love to see the committee that's going around and evaluating how clean a city is.

Like, you imagine they're looking under benches of bus stops. My mom should do that in her retirement. That would be a great hobby for her. Yeah. Okay. It says it has a recycling rate that exceeds 75%, which makes Sapporo Japan's most eco-friendly city. Okay.

Calgary, Canada. Okay. Wellington, New Zealand. Ah, windy Wellington. Ding, ding ding ding ding honolulu hawaii nope not true been there that's that's the bias of the malaysian it's no because this says honolulu was named one of the top 20 cleanest cities globally by lonely planet isn't that the comedy group that andy sandberg is a part of? Lonely Island. I don't believe that one.

I'm sorry. I know this is like sentient animals. I know. Yeah, but I reject that one. I've been there. Okay. All right. You've said enough about the product. Tallinn, Estonia.

Okay. Oslo. Norway. Sure, Norway. Uh-oh. What? London. London?

Norway. Sure, Norway. Uh-oh. What? London. I think it's cleaner than Honolulu, but anyways. Paris. No fucking way. This is the most useless list in the world.

Paris is a fucking trash heap. I love Paris. I would live there. It's incredible, but it's a fucking dump. What are they talking about? They're counting a few. Okay. They're counting some multiple things here because it says Paris has a population of about 12 million people and very few are homeless.

What? It also. Oh, fuck me. Cleanliness of humans? Well, no. To open your eyes in Paris, the whole place is graffiti. But homeless. There's fucking.

But it does make sense. An increased homeless population does, of course, make a city less clean. Sure, sure, sure. Just saw it this morning. Exactly. We're walking by feces. Yeah. Also, Paris has one of the lowest crime rates in Europe with only four homicides reported last year.

That is crazy. That's insane for a city of 12 million. Yeah, wow. It feels impossible. Okay, Madrid? Here's what I think. Rome? Oh, my God. Okay, impossible. Okay, Madrid? Here's what I think. Rome? Oh, my God.

Okay, stop, stop, stop. Here's what's happening. The person who compiled this list, it's the cities they've gone to, and it's just an order of cleanliness of the ones they've visited. No, that's not true. Yes, it is.

Rome and Paris in Honolulu. This is utter bullshit. Okay, I'm going to do world population review. I'm going to read this quickly, okay? All right. Cleanest cities in the world, 2023. Wow, Dax. Honolulu's number one.

But hold on. This is, are we going to trust world population review? No, I don't know what the hell that is. That's huge. I've heard of it. I've heard of it. It is. Yeah, it's real.

Oh my God, I've never heard of that. It's really real. I believe you guys. Number one, London Yeah. It's real. Oh my God. I've never heard of that. It's really real. I believe you guys. Number one, London. Number two, Paris. Oh my God. No. Number three, New York City.

Yeah, fuck my list. This is fucking useless. Listen, you would have to- Let me keep going. Hold on. You'd have to name every city in Japan before you ever got- Listen. Number four, Madrid.

Number five, Auckland. New Zealand. Six, Hamburg. to. Listen, number four, Madrid. Number five, Auckland, New Zealand. Six, Hamburg, Germany. Seven, Barcelona, Spain. Eight, Berlin, Germany. Love Barcelona. Been there. What a city. Would love to live there. No way. Nine, Vienna, Austria. It was very clean. Yeah, that's spotless. And then ten, Sapporo, Japan. Okay, so there's some

overlap. Look! Fucking London and Paris in New York City. That's insane. This Clean City score is 74.89. Oh, my God. It has real scores. There's trash everywhere in New York. Actually, when I was just there, I remarked audibly how clean it actually did seem and that how few unhoused people there were there.

I was really surprised. Well, look, it has improved enormously. I used to go there in the early 80s with my mom. And Times Square was a fucking trash pile and needle. I mean, it was a dump. New York was a dump. I know. It had a huge turnaround.

And there are many parts of New York that are absolutely gorgeous. I wouldn't even call the Upper East Side. It's not like fucking Hamburg. Right. It was really neat. At the Carlisle. Yes, and the Carlisle. They kept the Carlisle pretty clean.

Really nice. They kept it right and tight at the Carlisle. Okay. Did most philosophers not have children? 20 most important philosophers of all time as listed on the Influential Philosophy blog

Leader Reports. 13 of them never had children. Or 15 if you wish to include Descartes, who though not married had a daughter whom he saw little during her five-year-long life.

Jesus. And Rousseau, who took Aristotle's Decree to the word and disowned all of his five children by sending them off soon after their birth to a foundling home. Okay, so there's a article called The Philosopher as Bad Dad. It's an opinion column. Okay. In the New York Times, if you want to read that.

Anyway, so 13 out of the top 20 above average especially for the time they were living in was carson a drummer yes absolutely um how many times did kristen do craig show 28 times wow according to imdb 28 times. That's more episodes than people do of many TV shows. That's a lot. Yeah. She was a mainstay. Yeah. She was great every time.

The Treaty of Versailles. Yeah. You're confusing with the Armistice. I am? Mm-hmm. The Armistice is a train track railroad thing. The Treaty of Versailles was signed at the palace of versailles oh okay i i'm sorry craig it's okay that's what this is for yeah and then i got confused because he was

talking about undertakers and here it's confusing because there's funeral directors and there's morticians they're not necessarily the same thing but if you look up undertaker, it kind of categorizes them all as one. Okay. A mortician is embalming the body, right? Exactly. In 2021, the mortician's undertaker's and funeral director's workforce was 39,579 people. That's a lot. 28.7% women and 71.3% men.

Average funeral director is 48 years old. My age. You're in the wrong business. You could get into it. Maybe that's your new niche. Maybe you'll feel really comfortable. I bet I would. Because you're by yourself.

With all the morticians. You're never going to feel less than around a corpse. It's hard to. Yeah, you're going to feel like you're more. Actually, that's not true because if it was like- You had a huge penis or something no god if they had like a big legacy and they had died with this big legacy you might feel like oh what i would never trade life for a big legacy if they're old right you might just be like god

what have i done well that's true or even worse if I was an embalming, like a 38-year-old billionaire. Well, but is it inherited? If it's inherited wealth in New York City, they like that. That's just fine. Still very admirable. Respectable. Well, that's all. Oh, so fun.

Big old day. We made it. Love you. Wait, it's- Monday. Tomorrow is Halloween. Happy Halloween. Wait, it's. Monday. Tomorrow is Halloween. Happy Halloween. Happy Halloween to all.

I hope you have a very spooky night. Me too. Bye. Boo.