Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - David Sedaris [Rerelease from 10/7/21]

Episode Date: July 27, 2023

David Sedaris is an author and comedian. David joins the Armchair Expert to discuss his new book A Carnival of Snackery, why he can get away with saying things other people can’t say, and how he takes five mile walks at midnight. David and Dax talk about the things they would get into before sobriety, knowing where every bathroom in New York City is, and how he is just never offended by anything. David explains that he loves when people are rude to him in real life and what he does when he's solicited for sex on the street. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman. Hello, Monica. Hi. We have incredibly exciting news. Starting on Monday, August 14th, you'll be able to find all new episodes

of Armchair Expert free on Spotify and everywhere you get your podcasts. But in the meantime, we decided we wanted to revisit a few of our favorite episodes over the last couple of years. Yes, it's very exciting for us because we get to come back to everyone, which is really, really fun. And we have a few weeks of some of our faves. Yes, in case you missed them, these are the ones that we thought were worth re-airing before we go wide on August 14th. Please enjoy.

Welcome, welcome, welcome. I'm Dan Randall Shepard, and I'm joined by Monica Lily Padman. You changed it. You said welcome, welcome, welcome. You didn't say to armchair expert. Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. I'm all upside down over here on the other side of the pond.

Wow. That was scary. We need to do a one-second update. So as everyone knows, we're becoming increasingly insecure about the tagline of the show. Messiness of being human. The messiness of being human. And then someone sent me a photo that I sent to you of an enormous billboard. It looks like it's in Manhattan.

It's large. And it says as big as it can get. Yep. The messiness of being human. That's right. And now it's like it's just coming back to haunt us. Well, and I was thinking like, what can we change it to to be in on it? And then I was like, well, you got to really be a fan of the show.

In her fucking description, we're making a joke. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways, TBD, I don't know how that gets ironed out, man. This is in our, our Pantheon of favorite guests, David Sedaris. We're so excited. He's back and he does it again. He does it again. We're just fucking smitten from soup to nuts. Uh, he has a new book out, a carnival Snackery. And it's cool because it's his journal entries, which is so fun to hear. To be in his head. Yes. The way he processes the simplest interactions. And he seems to have the craziest experiences all the time. Yes. Yes. Yeah. He does a lot of late night walking and he meets all kinds of characters. He's wonderful.

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at Questrade.com. All righty. Can you hear me? I can hear you. Can you hear me, Dax? Oh, yes. I am so excited to talk to you. Can we give our previous conversation a score out of 10? I want to know from you what you think it was. Oh, I would have to listen to it.

No, this is just your memory of the experience. Oh, well, I mainly remember you didn't have a bathroom door. Yes, that's correct. I didn't need one. I just peed in your studio. Yeah. So I didn't need one. But that's mainly what I remember.

And it was an experience. I told you a very long story about shitting my pants at Home Depot. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You liked, yeah, which warmed my heart. But you would shit in your pants like three times or something. Oh, hundreds of times. But yes, that was the last straw in thinking I had IBS, which it turned out I didn't have IBS. I just was allergic to Pellegrino. That was kind of the punchline of the story. But I had convinced myself I had actual IBS and then I needed to go on a strict diet

and I was learning how to eat like that. And then I figured it out. So I would give it a high rating, but I got to tell you so many people I went on tour afterwards came up because they'd heard me on your podcast and they weren't familiar with me at all before. Oh, really? A startling number of people. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Well, I hope you found what we have found,

which is we do live shows and I don't understand it. I didn't think there were that many nice people, period. I guess, what kind of people are attracted to your readings? Could you sum them up? Could you make any stereotype about them? When I think about what they have in common, I think it's a level of education. I feel like they went to college. I mean, sometimes somebody will come and he's like, I'm a long haul trucker and I listen to your audio books and nothing feels better than that.

But other than that, I feel like they run the gamut in terms of ages. Racially, like if I have 2,000 people in the audience, 40 are Black. Okay. So really quick, that's four out of 200. That's two out of 100. Two percent? That's pretty good. Two percent. Maybe three percent from India. Oh, okay. A really high percent of ABCs. What are ABCs? American-born Chinese. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I just learned that.

A guy taught me that named Rich Jew. He's an ABC named Rich Jew. And I said, oh, come on. And he showed me his ID, and that was his name, Rich. I mean, it's Richard Jew, but he shortened it to Rich. And how's he spelling Jew? J-E-W. J-E-W, just as we would think of, yeah, the very conventional way to spell it.

Oh, wow. What line of work is he in? I don't remember, but he had a business card. He was a professional. Yes, clearly. I also have Bobby Pins business card. Bobby Pins? P-I-N-n oh p-i-n bobby yeah oh my god bobby pin yeah did that person change their name to that do you think no i mean i'm sure it was robert pin and then he's probably called bobby as a boy and then he's probably called Bobby as a boy and then he just kept it. Well, that's a generous kind of guesstimation

of what happened. That it all just kind of happened organically and there was nobody at the top kind of fucking with this young child like Boy Named Sue, the Johnny Cash song. It sounds a little bit more like that. Well, my sister Gretchen gets her furnace serviced by Mike Hunt. No. Well, my sister Gretchen gets her furnace serviced by Mike Hunt.

No. Mike, yep, Mike Hunt. And he calls and said, this is Mike Hunt. We all set up a time for me to come by and look at your furnace. That's a very well-worn name to call and ask the grocery store manager to page somebody. Right. I mean, if I were him, I'd say Michael Hunt. And then nobody would even think Mike Hunt. If you were gay, you'd be Michael Hunt.

Right, right, right. The same way if you were gay, there's like, there's not a gay Chris, they're all Christopher. There's not a gay, like my friend David Rakoff said, you know, when people would say, God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. And Rakoff said, no, that would be Adam and Stephen. You know, like when you're gay, usually. Sure, you go for the whole thing, the whole moniker. Why do we think that is? Do we even think about it or we just observe it? Are you interested in the causality? Oh, gosh, no. It's a really good question, though. I don't know why that would be. I mean, even you, to some degree, I guess David Sedaris. You're not going to go by Dave Sedaris.

No, Dave's a whole different creature. It is. But ding, ding, ding, this is one of the things I actually wanted to ask you about. Do you watch the TV show Dave? No. I'm going to really strongly encourage you to check it out. It's on FX. I'm just to really strongly encourage you to check it out. It's on FX. I'm just newly watching it.

God, I wish you had seen it because I wanted to talk to you about a certain episode that really I can't stop thinking about. Can I just sum it up for you? Sure. Okay. So the character, the lead character, Dave, is this rapper Lil Dicky. He's Jewish. And in real life, he really is the rapper Lil Dicky. And he raps about,

he's had a ton of trauma on his penis, a bunch of surgeries. Apparently some of the testicle skin had to be used to graph onto the penis. So the penis has a ton of ball skin on it. So that's kind of like the foundation of his insecurities, but then he embraces it and he's an artist because of it. So great, great show. Can't recommend it enough. But there's this episode I saw that I can't get over was he starts working with this other producer, music producer, who in real life is a very successful music producer.

So he goes over to start recording and they're recording and then they take a break and then they start calling each other Chuck for some reason, like, Chuck, Chuck, you got something on your shirt. Oh no, Chuck, that's this Chuck. Chuck, let's go swimming, Chuck. And now they start calling each other Chuck for some reason, like Chuck, Chuck, you got something on your shirt. Oh no, Chuck, that's this Chuck. Chuck, let's go swimming, Chuck. And now they're calling each other Chuck. They go swimming and then they're wrestling. And then they're looking at each other's assholes. And then one guy puts gum in the other one's asshole to see if he can blow a bubble. And at one point, like they're leaning into each other and Dave is like, nope,

still not attracted, still not attracted. And then he kisses them. No, I'm not attracted. Then they're wrestling naked. And then it escalates to them in the shower and he places his testicles. And it's real. He places his testicles and his perineum on the other guy's forehead and he's in the shower. But they're just laughing and having a great time.

And Dave wasn't gay in this situation. It was the first time I had seen two guys that were more provocative than myself in that arena. Like I would snuggle my friends. I've kissed plenty of my male friends on the lips, but this was a whole nother zone that I feel like is part of younger people that I was just so excited to, is part of younger people that I was just so excited to, I guess, witness. And I'm curious if this is increasingly commonplace. What do you think of that? I'll watch it.

You're really going to like it. Hi, David. Sorry I'm late. Oh, don't worry. I don't like being late, but I'm late a lot these days. Are you a punctual person by nature? Yeah, I try to be. I mean, usually I am.

But yeah, yesterday I was in the dentist and then I had an appointment with the tailor. And so I needed the dental appointment to be over with. But the dental assistant, I don't know if this has happened to you recently, they make like a 3D model of your mouth and they stick something in your mouth that's too big for your mouth. You got to take the x-rays. Yes. It's like it's a big dildo. I mean, it's just too big and they

stick it in your mouth. And I didn't realize that this was turning into a teaching moment, that one of the assistants was showing another one how to do it. And I had an appointment. And I didn't want to be a dick about it, but I'm like, how about you just show her how to do this on somebody else? Because I got to get out of here. But, of course, I wasn't going to say that. But I didn't want to be late. I thought when you said teaching moment, I thought it was a teaching moment for you, which would have been really interesting. Like, yeah, what would, like your mouth needs to be bigger or this usually fits. I don't know what's wrong with your mouth. It's just weird to have something in your mouth like that. That's too big for your mouth.

I was just at the dentist last week and had that exact same experience. It's very uncomfortable. But you know, like sometimes you're in a situation and you think, OK, this is like primitive technology. We're going to laugh at this a year from now or two years from now. We're going to think, oh, that was so primitive. You know, because it's just going to be a slender wand, you know, in no time at all. And so that was one of those moments. And you thought, okay, the time for this is, this is, it's pretty short lived, you know, to have such a massive thing in your mouth. Well, I was like, yeah, I mean, that's a nice way of looking at it. I look at it like we're

not here yet. We're not here where they can just not have this enormous thing in my mouth. We already have so many other technologies that are bad for us, so why not we have this one already? Well, are you guys talking specifically? Because I know the thing where you have to make you bite down and then it's like it's very sharp on the edges on your cheeks, in the inside of your cheeks. That's for x-rays. That's for

x-rays. Yeah. And there's like a little plate on the outside and that's cutting your gums. You guys are right about this. This is different. But that it's always felt odd too, the thing where you're biting down and you're right, it's too sharp and it cuts the inside of your mouth. And it's clearly been designed to include every one of all tooth size, I think is what it is. It's like a catch-all. So it's like a four inch, you're free to have up to a four inch tooth with that technology and still get it all x-rayed, I guess.

But I, during the pandemic, no one hated wearing a mask more than me. You know, you had to wear one outside all the time in New York City. But then there was a freedom to it. And I realized my teeth were so bad. My sister Amy says it looked like I swallowed a bomb and time froze a nanosecond after it went out. So my teeth looked like they just started to explode out of my mouth and then froze. So they were like really wide spaces in my upper teeth and they stuck out kind of like donkeys. And wearing the mask, I thought, oh, I'm not being judged on my teeth now.

Right. Right. Especially when you go into a fancy hotel or a fancy shop. And when you ask about something, they look at you and I know they do it. And they think if you really had money, you'd spend a little bit of it in the dentist's office. And I know that's what they're thinking and I can feel it. So I went,

I got braces during the pandemic. Oh, you did? Yeah. Oh, what a great time to do it. Yeah. Because I didn't have any tours and I was wearing a mask. So I got braces and then they had to push teeth around because I was missing one. And so I was missing a top tooth. I just never got it. And so the braces pushed my teeth apart and they popped a fake tooth in there. So yesterday was my last appointment. Oh, wait a minute. Oh my gosh, they look gorgeous.

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I haven't been able to look at my teeth in the mirror in like 40 years because it was a genuine phobia. I couldn't do it. Yeah. years because it was a genuine phobia. I couldn't do it. Yeah. So now I can, but I don't know how to smile because I never in the mirror. I never did it. And so this is my smile. It's really good. Can I show you what it looks like to me? Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, it's awful. It's just so creepy. And there's a hint, too, of like, is he angry? And then you're like, oh, no, it's kindness. It's mixed messages. And we love mixed messages.

And I still go like that when I talk to people. And then I think, wait a minute, I don't have to do that. Yeah. Was it freeing? Or for real, were you like looking in the mirror and you were like, oh, it didn't really change much. Like in your head. It made such a huge difference in terms of my confidence. Yeah. That's great.

All I wanted was for somebody to say, if someone said to you, what were his teeth like? You'd say, I don't know. That's all I wanted. Unremarkable. I didn't want like blinding teeth. I was fine with like chips and stuff like that. Forgettable teeth. Discoloration. Yeah. Yeah. Well, can I theorize about what happened? First of all, I can relate to you because what you see in front of you is the product of 14 years of orthodontia. I started in first grade

and didn't get them done until 11th grade. So I love this bomb analogy. But mine was that I always say that it is if God just chucked my fucking teeth at my face and I was smiling and they just kind of landed. They were pointing every which way and tons of gaps and a huge overbite. And thank God my mom just kind of intervened. But I'm wondering if your teeth, did you look at your teeth in the mirror when you were young and you did the same thing you did to everything? Which is like, fuck, it's just not what I want and tough shit. And I'm going to get over it and stop thinking about it. And I'm never going to think about it again. Now, I had braces, but I didn't wear my retainer.

Oh, OK. My sister Lisa used hers as an ashtray. Okay, and this didn't happen to her. So I've always had like quicksand gums. Like I can fall asleep on my face and I wake up and my bite's different. Okay, okay. So you just needed an afternoon in braces

to get everything sorted out. How long were you in them? 14 weeks. Oh my God. That long were you in them? 14 weeks. Oh, my God. That is nothing. Yeah, these invisible braces. Oh, invisible. Yeah, they're amazing.

Oh, my goodness. Okay, so I started reading Carnival of Snackery yesterday, your new book. And it's weird to interview you because I want your approval more than I want anyone to learn anything about you. That's kind of my priority on these, in these interviews with you. Normally, I really want people to learn about the guests, but with you, I just want you to like me and for us to somehow become friends at some point. I just want to own my intentions. Okay. So I read one of your stories and I thought, oh my God, this is fantastic because we've had a very similar experience once again.

So are you open to telling us about some of these? So just really quickly, a carnival of snackery is your journal entries, kind of a compilation of your journal entries. And they're not what you would think like, oh, I'm wrestling with this or the things that just happened. You observed you were a part of. A lot of it's about just watching TV, which I love. But could you tell me about going to the museum and the young boy you were worried about? Oh, I was at the British Museum and there was a group of like five or six people at the next table and it was a young boy in a wheelchair. And I don't know, I don't remember now how old he was.

Maybe he was like 13 or something. And I just felt so sorry for him because, I don't know, it's just got to suck to be in a wheelchair. And then I was imagining his life and thinking, oh, he probably didn't have too many friends. Because you'd have to have a ramp to have friends like that. Like I often say to people, do you have any paralyzed friends? And they say, no. And I say, do you have a ramp in

front of your house? And they say, no. And I said, well, then you're not going to have any. You put a ramp up and you'd be surprised. Your address books can be full of paralyzed friends. They just can't get to you right now. So I saw this kid and I was feeling so sorry for him. And then his mother wheeled him away from the table. And I saw that it was a rental chair and he had a cast on his foot. And I wanted to say, fuck you for making me feel sorry for you. But it wasn't him. It was just me thinking that. But you know how that is when you misspend your sympathy? Absolutely. I think that, yeah, the last line you say is like, you're resentful that he made you pity him. Okay. So

mine that's similar that I want to tell you is I was in Nashville and I was eating at one of these hot chicken restaurants that I love and I would go to quite often. And I had prior to this never met the owner or anything. And there's a huge deck in front of the place. And then there's inside eating. So I'm outside on the deck with a friend. And a man comes out and he's older. He's probably like 67 or so. And he goes, excuse me, are you Dex? And I go, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you think I could get you to come on inside and say hello? There's a little cripple girl inside. And she's a big fan of yours. And I just thought maybe if you come in and get a picture with her, boy, that might mean the world to her being crippled and all. So if you're up for that. And I said, oh yeah, absolutely. All right, great. So he goes inside and now I'm on my own to go in and take a picture with this girl. And of course he's used the word cripple twice, which I was like, I don't think you can really say that word out loud at your own restaurant, whatever. I go inside and I find her similarly.

She's at like a table. So then I stand behind her and I'm like touching her very sincerely. And her parents are taking a photo. And then I kind of glanced down to see what it is. And same thing. She has a broken leg with a cast. And I was like, she has a fracture. And I've gone in there like it's kind of like a make-a-wish situation.

And then I, yeah. And of course, I couldn't be resentful at her. She didn't describe herself as cripple. It was the owner of this chicken restaurant. But yeah, kind of similar mix-up. But don't you think part of it, you were bummed because you subconsciously thought, like, it was giving yourself a little

more importance than it was. Like, I had the ability to change this whole, this person's life who's dying. And really, it was just like a normal fan. Yeah, and by the way, I'm not even sure she was a fan as much as maybe her parents knew who I was. Or maybe the owner wanted the picture for the restaurant. No, he asked if I was Dax.

He was hearing my name for the first time inside, and on the way out, he kind of garbled it and made it Dax, which was fine. I don't want to correct him. But anyways, I'm glad that we both had that kind of a... Sometimes I feel the same, like I'll do a book signing after an event and people with wheelchairs will come to the front of the line and it's like, you have a seat. You know what I mean? These other people are going to be standing in line for five, six, seven hours. there's no reason why you should come to the front of the line. None. Oh my God. Oh my God. But it's true. I know. What you're saying is really, really It is true, but

It's atomically correct. They are sitting. Oh my God. I mean, if it was somebody on a cane, somebody who has a hard time standing. Let's get them to the front of the line. Yeah, I agree. I agree. If you're on a cane somebody who has a let's get them to the front of the line yeah i agree i agree if you're on the cane or a walker or if you're pregnant pregnant that's right that's nice how would you feel this is what if someone's really extremely overweight like it's clearly a

really a struggle to stand that's happened before and i brought them to the front of the line but it's a little bit tricky because they say, why did you bring me to the front? Then you feel like this has happened before. And I've said, oh, I don't know. I just, you're wearing blue. And today it's, you know, you come up with some shit. But that's what you're thinking. Because I have a friend who's, oh, gosh, she was probably, she was 500 pounds. And she came to visit me one time. I was

on tour. I had to go to the Apple store. And so I said, let's just go to the Apple store. And it was only like eight blocks away. And I didn't realize she said something later. And it's like, you can't really walk eight blocks when you weigh 500 pounds. It just made me think of things in a different way, but yeah, it's hard. So if I see a super obese person, I try to find a way to bring them to the front. Yeah. Stay tuned for more

Armchair Expert if you dare. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water.

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with the Tresemme Keratin Smooth Weightless Collection. Visit Tresemme.com to learn more. I'm trying to, like, come up with a theory on why you're allowed to be funny in the manner you are. And I think there's a—I have a bunch of explanations, and I'm curious if you even think about it. And if you do, which ones you agree with or disagree with. I think one is, I think first and foremost, you're just brilliant. So I think when you're brilliant, you get away with murder.

Like Larry David, I don't know if you saw that episode where he had a MAGA hat and he started wearing the MAGA hat everywhere in LA to get some privacy and stuff. And it was just, the whole way it was handled was like, he's the only guy in Hollywood that could have done it. It was so perfect. And I just fucking loved it. So one explanation is just, you're so brilliant that even if you're probably trying to read it to get offended, you're probably chuckling along the way, and then you maybe give up. That's maybe one thought. And then I guess the fact that, yeah, you're not like a power forward in the NBA, and you're like super dominant physically or something.

I'm just wondering if you have any theories on why you're able to... Speak so blatantly about things. Well, you just have a great sense of humor that is almost a little bit throwbacky. I've had people come up before and say, I can't believe the things you get away with saying on stage. And I always say, what? What did I say? Like, I went to a warehouse in Indiana to sign 15,000 books. Oh, my God.

And this was not even Indianapolis. It was in the middle of nowhere in Indiana. And so there were like four people helping me out. And they told me, one of them told me that she had gotten written up recently for saying to somebody, Brenda, it's not rocket science. Because that made Brenda feel stupid. So she got written up for it. because that made Brenda feel stupid. So she got written up for it. And this is at a factory in Indiana. So when they told me all the things they're not allowed to say, I thought, okay, well, compared to you, I am. I mean, my British publisher told me they're no longer allowed to say in the office, may I have a word with you? Because it's triggering to people and they, it makes them think they're getting fired. So you can't say, may I have a word with you? Because it's triggering to people and it makes them think

they're getting fired. So you can't say, may I have a word with you? I suggest that instead they say, you know what? You're fucking fired. May I have a word with you? I don't have a real job, so it's never really been. I can be more specific. Like I'll be reading, like I was reading it this morning and I'll see. Well, I love the one where a homeless person calls you ugly. I think that's just a tremendous story in so many ways. But you're describing things as fad or ugly. I guess I just, when I read it, I'm like, I'm surprised he doesn't get

any shit. And then, so one of my other theories is just like, almost to your point about who comes to your book signings, which is they're probably largely the number one unifiers. They're probably college educated. So is it just that like the only people that are even aware of it are in on it? So it's not a thing. The wrong people that are like scanning the universe for that stuff aren't even stumbling across your work does that make any sense like the moral police or the social police well yeah i've been doing these commentaries on cbs sunday morning right and it can be about whatever i want for two minutes and so i did one on egregious customer service and i started off by 10 years ago right my

sister amy and i went to this place in London, and we bought these delicate cups and saucers, right? And it cost like $700. So the woman takes Amy's credit card, and she puts it in and says, well, your card was rejected. And we said, well, maybe if you put it in the other way, right? She put the card in backwards. And then the card works.

And then she says, like, okay, then okay then there you go and we said what do you mean she said well i don't have anything to wrap them in and i don't have any bags or anything and i said so we're supposed to bring them across town like this and she said well they're years you bought them and so i had a fantasy for something i call the citizen's dismissal and in a situation like that you say to the person did you bring a purse with you to work today or do you have a jacket or anything? Good, good. I want you to go get both of them and then get the fuck out of here. You're fired.

I'm firing you. And so it was a couple instances of egregious customer service from 10 years ago, right? Right. And then somebody tweeted, David Sedaris is trying to fire essential workers during the pandemic. My publicist, my publicist called me and said, I think you should know that this is happening. So I don't have Twitter or anything, but it was like thousands of people. It was like a mob that came after me. Okay. CBS put a transcript on the website, but two pages, that's too much to read. Right, of course.

So it was all these people. But then I have a friend in the media, and he said afterwards, he said, yeah, he said, that was pretty bad. Did you apologize? And I said, I don't have anything to apologize for. And he said, well, if people perceived that you did that, you need to apologize. And it's like, what do I say? I'm sorry you're stupid. Like, how do I apologize? I said, anyway, it was just surprising to me. See, I could be canceled. I wouldn't even know it because I don't have social media. Yeah, you're right. I think about that all the time. Like, I guess I'm only aware of any of these outrage movements through social media. Yeah, you're right. I think about that all the time. Like, I guess I'm only aware of any of

these outrage movements through social media. I don't actually see it on the news or anything. Yeah. For the most part. I don't know that my audience would know it either. No, I didn't know that. I had no clue. If somebody came to me and said pictures just surfaced of Dax Shepard wearing like a Cherokee funeral headdress with a Nazi uniform. I don't know. I would still talk to you. I wouldn't. I would just think, well, that's a weird combination. I wrote this thing about LGBTQQIA, right? And one of those Q stands for questioning. And I was like, when you make up your mind, you can have a letter. But until then, I don't think you deserve one.

And somebody left the theater saying, you know, if I were gay, I would have been really offended by that. It's like, well, you're not gay. So why are you even thinking about that? Like, I don't know. I'm just not offended by stuff. Yeah. Like, if I see a comedian, like an old school comedian, like doing a mincing kind of a gay impersonation, that doesn't offend me.

I don't know what it is. I just don't care. Can you think of what does offend you? Yeah, I'm offended by animals in sunglasses. Okay, okay. On a photograph or in a cartoon, they put sunglasses on. It's supposed to appeal to kids, right? Kids are supposed to think that's cool. And my objection isn't that some five-year-old is going to go put a pair of aviator sunglasses on a Boston Terrier.

I don't care about that. I just object to teaching kids that that's cool because it's so lame. It's the same thing as like when they go to kids, high five. That's just old and it's just… Yeah, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. So I don kids, high five. That's just old. And it's just. Yeah, it's embarrassing. It's embarrassing. So I don't know. I'm offended by that.

Have you ever felt guilty about anything you've said on stage or regretful of any of the things you've put in a book? I mean, there's an essay I regret because it hurt somebody's feelings. But, gee, I can't really think of anything. Yeah. I mean, now with a book, they have sensitivity readers, right? So a sensitivity reader reads your book and then says, well, you need to get rid of this and this and this. But you have to, at this point anyway, you have to request the sensitivity read. So I've never requested one. Okay.

Right. Okay. read. So I've never requested one. Okay. Right. Okay. I could request one. My editor was telling me about somebody and she was a writer and she'd written an essay about going to India, right? So she said, can I have a sensitivity read on this? Cause I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. So an older Indian woman read it and said, Oh, I think this is fascinating and I absolutely love this. And then an Indian American woman like in her 20s was offended by every single line of it. So I think that's relevant. That seems pretty normal. I think that it's the younger people who are going to be more offended by something than older people. And I don't know

if it's just that our skins are thicker. Well, I think what you were allowed to say is I watch a lot of these documentaries and it'll show a lot of footage from the 90s of basically late night talk show monologues, be it like the Monica Lewinsky scandal or when Britney Spears was in trouble. And what they would say just 25 short years ago is be like, oh, she's a slut. Does he like the big slut or does he like the smart girl? And when I watch those, I go, oh, I almost didn't even know that was the water I grew up in, where that is what everyone said on late night talk shows and they don't anymore. And so, yeah, I mean, first and foremost, we grew up in a much different era where people said pretty

actually offensive things regularly on TV. So maybe our barometer is just different for that. Yeah. No, I agree with you on that. I mean, sometimes people write me letters, angry letters, and sometimes you want to write back in a way that someone can hear you. Yeah, yeah. Like I was signing books, right? And this guy came up and said, I was with some friends last night. We were in a bar and all of us were having a good time and telling jokes. And I said, what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub?

Throw in your laundry. And then this guy behind me said, hey, my brother was an epileptic, and he died in the bathtub. Oh, my God. And the guy was like, fuck. He said, did he drown? And the guy said, no, he choked on a sock. fuck he said did he drown and the guy said no he choked on a sock so so it was a joke that somebody snuck in right yeah i love that kind of joke yeah so then somebody wrote me a letter and

they're very offended and they said i'm a person with epilepsy and i have to take all this medication and so i wrote back and said that to me that's a joke about a joke being slipped in. Right. That's what that's about. It's not about epilepsy. Like a woman came up and said, my father just died. And a neighbor said, if you don't mind, I'd like to say a word at his funeral. So the neighbor got up and said, plethora.

And so I said to the neighbor thank you so much that means a lot so again it's just a joke that you can sneak in instead of saying to somebody i got a joke for you or how about a joke so i wrote to the person with, and I wouldn't not tell that joke again because I'm pretty sure that I'm right about it. Well, Monica has epilepsy, and she just laughed really hard. I guess the thing that I get kind of bummed about, this happened like a couple weeks ago. Monica and I were talking about some subject on the show,

and I'm very perverted. I'm always talking about penises and the show and I'm very perverted I'm always talking about penises and testicles and stuff and so this gal wrote in the thing you know you're going too far with Monica she's very uncomfortable and she clearly doesn't want to tell you and just because you've been friends for a long time please listen to your female audience up this topic. And so, of course, I'm like immediately kind of angry. I'm defensive of all these things. And then I basically just write like, I think you would feel that way if I were saying those things in front of you and I would understand, but you should probably ask Monica before you tell me how Monica feels. And I think that is so often the case. It's like,

you're kind of apologizing to advocates and not the person who's theoretically upset by it. That's when it, to me, it gets a little like, come on guys. If someone tells me that really I was talking to, that they were uncomfortable, of course I would change my delivery for them. But you telling me how Monica felt in a situation I'm probably not getting on board with. But see, one thing you're not allowed to say to people anymore is like on a scale of one to 10, how uncomfortable were you? I mean, let's put it on that scale, but now you're not allowed to ask people that anymore, right? Because all that matters is that they were made to feel unsafe or that they were insulted or that they were offended.

And you're not allowed to say how offended. Because like when my needle's between nine and ten, I might say something about it. But if it's hovering between one and two, I'm not going to say a thing. I'm going to forget about it. Do you think you and I could agree right now on what a 10 is? Like, I'd like to submit as a 10 is like, you're Carrie. They tricked you into thinking you were the prom queen and then they dump pig's blood all over you in front of the entire school. Like that's a 10. So where's this diabetes joke on that scale? Right. I guess it's also just,

diabetes joke on that scale. Right. I guess it's also just, you have to know, like the woman who is offended by the epilepsy joke, I wish she would have some self-awareness that what's happening is she's triggered, I guess, by her own connection to that disease. But she's not really triggered by the joke. It's just she's bummed out that that's something in her world.

And it shouldn't be then transferred onto, well, there can't be jokes about it or there can't be this. Like, I don't know. I think people don't do enough like self-reflection as to what's really happening in that moment when they're offended. Oh, well, sometimes it's just a word that's used and then people think it's a joke about trans people and it's like no it's actually not you just heard the word trans and you went full alert and you stopped and you didn't listen to the rest of the joke or the rest of the story and that happens quite often i was in england when i just got back we have this woman who helps out in the garden sometimes. She helps my boyfriend out in the garden. And anyway, so I walked into the kitchen and she was saying to Hugh, she was saying, so

anyway, this guy didn't look gay and he didn't sound gay. So we were all shocked when we found out that he was. And so that was my moment to say, oh, what does a gay person look like or sound like? But she meant well. And even though she would have been the first, I mean, she has scolded me before over a similar thing, but I didn't want to be like her. And so I didn't say anything because I don't want to be that person. Because again, that was like maybe a two on the scale similarly we were in england and we had these friends coming for christmas and so we hired a car to go meet our friends at the airport right and so we said to the dispatcher we said there are two men and he said are they

flamboyant oh my god Oh, my God. And so I guess I could have said, oh, right, because all gay men are flamboyant. But instead, I just laughed. It was like he handed me a little present. I mean, it's such a good little story to tell. And absolutely no problem with what he said. So that's a one or two to you. And I'm glad it is.

But I guess there's a scenario where you're still living in a very small town and you're not getting gainful employment because people are homophobic. And then maybe that sentence is more impactful to you. Yeah, that's why I moved. So you can stay in the small town and you can feel all those feelings or you can fucking move to a better place and put it all behind you. Have your own show on Sunday mornings. Yeah. Where are you at currently? Because we're going to England in a couple of weeks for like three weeks. You know, before I went to England, everyone, right? Everybody, like even the doorman in my building were like, England, that's not safe at all. You know, you can't be going to England. I didn't see that at all.

The only thing there is I had to take a COVID test to fly to England. And in New York, there are trucks parked on the street and it was free. I went, there was no line, it was free. And in England, it's kind of screwy how much it costs to get a COVID test. Like I paid 125 pounds for one that would give me my results in 24 hours. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's like what, like 200 bucks? Yeah. And then it changes, the rules change pretty quickly. But you know what, One that was really nice about being there, like on the subway, you're supposed to wear a mask. And probably on the subway, I don't know, half people, half the people had masks on. But the other half weren't like, yeah, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it? So there was none of that confrontational.

It was more like, oh, I can't do it anymore. Or I left my mask at home. But it wasn't. I'm a patriot. Yeah, it just felt all of that stuff felt easier to me there. A mask wasn't a campaign button. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes.

Do you think you will write a book about quarantine? Because I kind of want your point of view on the whole experience, because I know mine, I've heard a lot of people's. I have to imagine you have some kind of novel take on that whole experience. I mean, I wrote an essay about it. I'm going to start a tour tomorrow. I'm going to 70 cities. And well, the first show was supposed to be Wednesday and that got canceled. So I mean, it's pretty late in the day to cancel tomorrow, but that doesn't mean they can't cancel it. But so I have this story, an essay that I wrote about COVID. And I'm curious to see because maybe people

will be like, you know what, this is the first event we've gone to. So I said, do we have to sit here and listen to this? So I don't know. I'm not sure how it will work. One thing I thought was interesting during COVID is like in the New York Times, they have a real estate section and a seal award, the actress, she was selling her loft in Soho. And it was like, it wasn't that big. It was like 1200 square feet or something. And there was an interview with her and she said, I cut it up into different spaces so I could create and eliminate spaces. But it's too small for when we have company because it wound up being only one bedroom. I was fascinated by the one-downsmanship that happened during the pandemic.

And then people like, oh, how nice that two twelve hundred square feet is too small for you seal award while their entire families living in in a studio apartment you can't even like if i wrote in an essay i woke up and washed my face oh how nice i sold my face so i could support my family and now when i eat all the food falls out onto my lap because I don't have cheeks to hold it in anymore. You couldn't say anything.

When Ellen DeGeneres started doing her show from home, people were like, she lives in a mansion. It's like, yeah, bought with money, you gave her. Right. How are you surprised that that's her home? And then when she made that joke, she said, oh, I feel like this is like prison. I'm wearing the same clothes every day and everyone in here is gay. How dare she? Blah,

blah, blah. And it's like, I'm sorry, that's just funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like in England, in England, if you tell somebody where you live, and then there's always some lip. I mean, oh, that's posh. Like you moved there in order to make them feel bad. And it's like, well, you asked me where I lived. I didn't lead with that. I'm just answering your question. And there's a real sort of sourness there that you never see in America.

I mean, in America, you're not poor. You're just not rich yet. You know, like people have that mindset that I'm just not rich yet. And the pandemic was the first time I saw that really kind of tarnish. Because generally speaking, we celebrate rich people in the United States. Well, it's tricky, though, because it's like how you frame it. So like people aren't mad at lottery winners, but they're very mad at Paris Hilton. That's a contradiction.

But if Paris Hilton was ugly, if she was Christina Onassis, then I don't think that people would be mad that she had made money. Oh, that's a good, it's just jealousy. Right. Stay tuned for more. I'm a chair expert. If you dare. This episode is brought to you by secret secret deodorant gives you 72 hours

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Be ready for your next step with the BMO Cashback Business Mastercard and get 10% cash back on business expenses for the first three months. Terms and conditions apply. For people who have not read, I read your New Yorker essay about the wake of your father. My father, he died. And then there were, it was just endless. There was a funeral at the Greek church and that service, it was hours long

and half of it's in Greek and it's exhausting. And then that was in North Carolina. Then there was a burial in New York state. Oh, wow. And then there was another service at the Greek church. Oh, wow. So, yeah, so it was just, you know, the cliches that you hear when somebody dies, right? Either written or spoken. Like, somebody wrote me and said, you know, I know you and your father had your differences, but you need to remember, he did the best he could. Fuck you. No, he didn't.

I mean, what's that based on? That we all do the best that we can do? How dare you say? Just, why would that, you even let that shit come out of your mouth? What would it taste like coming out? Yeah. I would never say that to somebody. Well, he did the best he could. I mean, if that was his best, he was really pathetic. Right. You're like someone spent their whole life basically beating other people with coat hangers. That wasn't the exact example. But and then at the end of that, someone says, well, they did the best they could. Well, then also he'll always be with you. That was 64 years was enough i don't i don't need him with me and i know nobody knows what to say in a situation like that and i'm guilty of the same thing when

people have died but there's only so much of it you can take yeah can i ask how much of it you can take. Yeah. Can I ask how much of this journal that compiles a carnival snack rate? I mean, there's things from 2003 all the way up to... End of 2020. 20, yeah. First, are they actually literally coming right out of the page of your journal? And then two, what's the process like of you going through all that and curating what will be this book? It took a long time because there's only so much you can sit and read your old diary. My diary is not embarrassing, like perhaps because I don't write about my feelings. You protect yourself. There wasn't any of that to be embarrassed about.

There were things to be embarrassed about. You wouldn't believe the amount of time I spend writing about shopping. I mean, it's crazy and horrible things can be going on in the world. They're not mentioned at all. Yeah. September 11th, 2001, Yeah. September 11th, 2001. Found a great deal on sneakers. I started writing on computer 2000. Even your journal? Yeah. But I print it out and make a book out of it at the end of every season. But my deal is that like this morning I wrote in my diary and one week from today, I will revisit what I wrote today and I'll clean it up that means if

there are three sentences in a row that start with the word he I'll just clean it up so my diary this diary was pretty clean oh I would sometimes I would put things in like I would say my friend Brian because the reader might think who's Brian right or change a name because the reader might think, who's Brian? Right. Or change a name because the editor said, well, people might think you're talking about your sister, Amy. So maybe change Amy's name to something else. Right. But it's pretty cleanly written. And how much will you write in general each day?

Well, today I wrote two pages, but the day before yesterday, I wrote five pages. I go out at midnight and walk for five miles. Wait. Every night? In the city or in the country or wherever you're at? Everywhere. And you walk five miles a night?

Yeah. How long does that take? It would take like an hour and 45 minutes. Wow. Who do you go with? I go by myself. Every now and then I'll go with somebody. But two nights ago, and when you're on the Upper East Side, you can not run into anybody.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I've had like three little run-ins with people that were like uncomfortable. So a couple nights ago, I'm walking up Park Avenue and and I turn right on 72nd Street, and there's this woman. And she said, I'm just finishing smoking this joint. But I never smelled pot. She was smoking something. And then she said, hey, baby, you need a date? You want a date?

I'm tight. I got a nice tight pussy. You want some nice tight pussy? And then she was glomming on to me, right? She was maybe in her late 20s. She had a T-shirt on that had stains on it. She'd just gotten out of somewhere. You know what I mean?

Like jail or psychiatric hospital. Yeah. And to get her away from me, I said, I'm gay. She said, I'll fuck you up the ass then. Oh, wow. Fuck you up the ass. She's versatile. Yeah.

And then nothing would talk her out of it. So I went to a building with a doorman, and I went and knocked on the door. And the doorman came and said, what do you want? Are you together? As I said, no. She said, yes. And I said, no, we're not together. We're not together.

I said, she won't leave me alone. And she said, he's gay. He's gay, and he don't want any of my pussy. I told him I'll turn him. I said, I'll fuck you in the ass. I'll turn you. And the doorman said, you don't know that he's gay. Maybe he's just married. Maybe he's a family man. And I'm like, why are we talking about this? Can't you shoot her? And it was one of those situations, nothing, nothing would make her go away nothing that was said and so that took five pages the

next day because i did not want to leave anything out of that because it just got crazier and crazier like when the doorman got involved and it turned out she had just been there and asked to use the bathroom and they were and he sent her. So he thought that I ran into this woman and I thought, you can't treat people like that. And then I was going to bring her there and say, you have to let her use the bathroom. So that's what he was wary of. It wasn't my building. And she's like, you're afraid of a woman. You're a faggot. Afraid of a woman. Afraid of a woman. It's like, not all women, but you're pretty scary. Certainly you. I think the best way to have gotten rid of a woman. It's like, not all women, but you're pretty scary. Certainly you. I think the best way to have gotten rid of this woman was to say, I don't have any money.

Yeah. You're right. Now that you think about it. Because she kept saying, I need some dick. And it's like, no, that's not what, I mean, really what you need. No, no. You need some money. And I didn't have any money on me.

Plus, where would we go? Yeah. Can I ask, is there a rural version of this walk you take? Yeah, yeah. When I'm in Sussex, I just got back from England, and we were mainly in Sussex. And so I walk five miles a night there, and every single night I see a hedgehog. Oh, you do? Yeah.

Some nights I would see four. Oh, my gosh. Have you ever seen a hedgehog? Never. No. No. They're super cute though, right? Yeah.

And when you come up on one, it just, it's only defense is prayer. And it says, please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. Please don't kill me. And they just freeze there until you walk away. Rare. It was beautiful. Well, I want to ask if you, because I do a lot of nighttime walking too.

Not as much now that I have kids because I have to wake up so early, but I love to do it. And part of the reason I love to do it is I start concocting these fantasies. Like when you're out in the country at night, it's scary. I don't know. I find it, even if it's not scary, it's easy to let your imagination wander. Like I'm going to see a big creature or I'm going to, someone's going to pull over and try to kill me. And something about that I really love, like I really buy into whatever fantasy I'm concocting and I'm getting more and more scared throughout it, which I enjoy. Does that, is any of that happening for you? Yeah. Like one night I thought I passed this little

path that leads into the woods. And I said, what if I looked over there and I saw zombies feasting on a human body? And then I was just terrified from then on. Just terrified. I've picked things up. Like I've convinced myself so much I'm going to see a werewolf or something that I'll like, I'll find a two by four and I'll just start carrying that or I'll pick up a rock. I love it. It reminds me of being like eight and being scared. But generally speaking, it's scarier in New York. Since I ran into that woman a couple nights ago, I haven't gone out at night and instead I go out first thing in the morning and I'll get over it. But I was walking home from my sister's house one night and these two men came around the corner and I was like on 7th Avenue or something

and they kind of herded me and so the hair stood up on my back. But it turned out one guy was just trying to get away from the other guy, right? And so the guy that was left said, are you for power or are you for peace? And that's like, oh, fuck. And I said, I'm for peace. And he said,

me too. And then it turned out we were going to go to Brooklyn. He and I were going to go to Brooklyn together. Can I ask you a really quick follow-up question, though, about saying that you prefer peace? Sure. Did you consider whether you were going to give him your real answer or the answer you thought would get rid of him? The answer that he'd get rid of him. Okay. And I didn't have any money on me. I don't bring my wallet when I go out late at night. But then I thought later, if someone's robbing you, if you said, I don't have any money,

they're not going to believe you. You're still going to get beat up, but you'll be able to keep your ID. Well, how about just carrying like a 20 with you and no credit cards or anything you got to cancel? That's what I should do just so I could get in a cab when I need to. Yeah. So this guy said we were going to go to Brooklyn. And I said, I can't. I said, I have cancer and I'm going to get my cancer medicine.

I have to go get my cancer medicine. It was like 1.30 in the morning. Who goes to the hospital to get cancer medicine at 1.30? And I just said that because people are afraid of people with cancer, right? And he said, cancer, he said, that's like COVID. It's just bullshit. And they're just trying to tell you that. We got pot and we got beer.

We got what we need to cure ourselves. And I said, are you a doctor? And he said, no. And I said, then please don't tell me how to cure my cancer. You got indignant. And then I was turning onto 34th Street and he said, I. And I said, then please don't tell me how to cure my cancer. You got indignant. And then I was turning onto 34th Street, and he said, I'm coming with you. And I said, no. I said, I need some time to think about everything you've said to me.

And then that was it. Oh, my God. He left me alone. Are you open to me paling around with you at all? Seriously. And I want a real answer. Am I open to? Paling around with you at all? Seriously. And I want a real answer. Am I open to? Pailing around with me.

Hanging out. Like, I would love to take that walk with you and just get into it. I would like that. I would like that. Like, if you come to New York or something. Yes. I would love that. But the only thing you need to know, because I'm 64.

Yeah. I have to pee constantly. So I know every bathroom in New York. So that's a thing, too. When I go out in the morning and I go to Central Park, I know all the bathrooms in Central Park. I mean, they're disgusting, but I know them. And a couple times, I'm not proud to say it, I have peed in Central Park at night. Sure.

Just behind a tree. If everybody did that, then it would just be disgusting. So I'm not proud of it. Yeah. That's not going to be a hurdle for our friendship at all because I drink fluid compulsively. So I'm peeing generally every like 40 minutes I pee. But you know how women go to the bathroom together. Yeah. Right. Men just don't. I was doing a recording last year. I was at a recording studio. And so I said to the engineer, I said, can you tell me where's the bathroom? He said, right down the hall. He said, I'm going to, let's go. And then we peed together and it was just so weird. Men just don't do that. So what I usually do is if you say,

oh, good, there's a bathroom, I would say, I'll wait while you pee. And then when you came out, I would say, you know what? I kind of feel like I should do it too. So that's how I would do that. I'm open to whatever version of that you want. I don't have any like real preferences about peeing with or without other people, but I do think what is different is that we're going to see each other's penises if we pee together, or there's some real probable likelihood that we're going to see each other's penises. Whereas when a woman asks another woman to join her at the bathroom, there's no threat of seeing each other's vaginas. I don't know. I mean, I think the reason guys don't go to the bathroom

together is if you're just fucked up and they're not. Yeah, just basically because they're fucked up in a way that women aren't. Like intimacy wise? Intimacy phobic. If someone sees two women going to a bathroom, they're not going to think like, oh, they're going in there to get it on. But like my dad was telling me, my dad has a godson and they both like golf, right? So my dad took his godson to see the, I don't know, some golf tournament, right? And my dad got them a room and he said, I'm afraid people are going to see us and think I'm a sugar daddy, you know, see us going into a room together. Are you jealous of this godson at all?

You know what? I should have been so jealous. He went to West Point. He worked in finance. His name was Mike. And I was so grateful for him. Oh, he took the load off your shoulders. He was a son my dad never had.

And I never, never felt jealous of him. I just felt grateful to him. That's unexpected and good. What did your dad do for a living? He worked for IBM. Oh, okay. And then my dad's godson moved to London for a couple of years. So we started hanging out.

And that was nice to kind of get to know him a little bit. Do you think there's parts of you that would remind one of your dad? I hope not. Well, look, I have had a long journey with my father. They got divorced when we were three and he split and whatever. I'm coming off of this story I have about him. But I will say this, for most of my life, I was trying to define myself in opposition of everything that he was. But the genetics just constantly, like, I'll look at my shoulder.

I'm like, Jesus, man, that is exactly his shoulder. Like, it's same freckle pattern. It feels the same as my dad's. We have the same, like, Jesus, man, that is exactly his shoulder. Like, it's the same freckle pattern. It feels the same as my dad's. We have the same, like, hands. There's just all this stuff where I'm like, I'm so him. It's crazy, like it or not. And so I just wonder, do you have those things where you're like, oh, I am my dad, even though I— No, I don't have my father's body, and I don't have his hair.

I mean, it was really easy for me to believe that he's not my father. Oh, okay, okay. I mean, if I found out that somebody else had fathered me, I wouldn't be terribly surprised by it. Have you ever done a 23andMe test? No. Could I pay for one for you? What do I do? All you do is spit in a little plastic tube and then pop it in the mail.

And then they'll tell you all kinds of fun things, like what you actually are ethnicity-wise. Well, I went on that TV show, Finding Your Roots. Oh, you did? Yeah, and they looked into my father's history and stuff, but that doesn't mean that he's my father. No, what would be very clear is if your mom's all Dutch and your dad's all English and you are all German and stuff, but that doesn't mean that he's my father. No, what would be very clear is if your mom's all Dutch and your dad's all English and you are all German and Dutch, well, we've got a problem. Right. I'm 2% Asian. Oh, that's exciting. But see, the thing is, I looked like my brother and I looked like my sister, Tiffany. So three of us would have had

to have a different, I mean, it's pretty clear that three of us have the same father. That doesn't mean it's my father. Right, right. Are you guys in a row? No. Okay. Amy's in between you. Amy, my sister Gretchen are in between us.

My late sister Tiffany and then my brother Paul. And we look like our mom. But like in terms of saying, oh my God, I'm my father. No, I mean, one thing I noticed recently was at the funeral, people would say your father was such a character. And a character is what you call an asshole after they're 85. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Once they have a cane, they're a character.

But before that, they're just an asshole. Yeah, or like if you're a rascal, you're probably a sexual predator. Yeah. All your dad was a rascal. Oh. When you're moving through the world, because there was a period of my life, a few years, where all I did is write sketch comedy. So I ended up kind of every experience I had was kind of somehow funneling into how could this be a three minute sketch?

Even if you met a weirdo that was your waiter, I would just be like, OK, so that could be a character. Then what happens, this person is just how my brain worked for that period of time. When you're interacting, which sounds like you interact with people nonstop in the interactions, are you ever going like,, oh yeah, girl, give it to me. Like, this is so wonderful. This is going to be a wonderful story. Yeah. I mean, the thing is you don't want to get in the way of it. Right. You don't want to end it. Like I have a notebook I carry around with me. And when you pull out your notebook, it kind of ends things because people are more suspicious of a notebook than they are of a camera.

Oh, you're so right. You're right. Sometimes there have been things years ago, years and years ago, I was on the subway and someone mistook me for a pickpocket, right? And the person didn't think that I spoke English. And he was talking to his friend. That guy's trying to get his hand in your purse. You know, he could look at him. He's shifty and talking about me. And I wrote it. I wrote an

essay about it. Somebody said, why didn't you say to him, excuse me, I'm an American, too, and I'm not a pickpocket. That would have ended it. Yeah. You don't want to clear that up. You want to make it even more murky, maybe. maybe yeah and it's the same with like if somebody's rude to me right or mean to me it's like they're giving me money yeah so maybe that's why i'm not offended by things i think just what you said give it to me baby you know yeah yeah yeah come on girl well what i was thinking is like the way you work as a writer is I want to say it's almost more similar to like what a stand up would do, which is like kind of move through the world, really take notice of something that's peculiar or interesting or different. It feels like that's how you work a little bit. I mean, I would say yes, in the sense that I'm always on.

I mean, I'm always looking for things. Like there's never a moment when you've – I mean, my sister Amy turned to me after my dad's funeral and said, were you taking notes at the funeral? Yeah, I was. So it's never turned off because maybe at the beginning you think, oh my God, I forgot to turn it on. When you're young, you think, oh, I didn't even notice what was going on the past few days. But then you get into the habit of it and then you're just always looking. There's some bizarre genius to this, which I don't even know that you've considered, which is you could almost write a self-help book, which is if you proceed through life

with the notion, oh, this place is just so fertile with so many interesting weirdos, that when you come across those weirdos, you're delighted. And it's almost about like your expectations are such that something inconvenient is a little treasure, is a little gift. And it's almost about like your expectations are such that something inconvenient is a little treasure, is a little gift. And it seems like a really fun way to go through life. I think I have a bit of it. You know, like there are moments where something horrendous is happening. And to me, and something just clicks in my head where I go like, oh, my God, I can't wait to tell this story. And I got to really memorize every detail of what's going on right now with me.

And it kind of makes me enjoy what would otherwise be maybe a miserable situation. Well, like that woman the other night, right? I can't say that I necessarily enjoyed that. And that's not something I wanted to keep going. Like it never occurred to me to say, yeah, why don't you fuck me up? You know, fuck me at the ass. I mean, that would have been a good story. I mean, where would we have gone?

Would she have used a stick? I mean, I'll never know. Well, she had that look in her eye, you know, that look and that look says anything can happen. Like I might claw your eyes out or I might spit on you or I might kiss you. And the man who said, are you peace or power? He had that same look. So when there's actual true sense of danger, then you think I just need to live so I can write about this. Yeah. I got to say one other thing back to your notepad that you pull out. I had this experience the other day where it was like, I had clearly

offended somebody in traffic with my driving. And instead of them taking a picture of my license plate, which happens occasionally to me, because I drive too aggressively, this person pulled out what you just had a fucking notepad, like you were a detective, and pulled up and was writing my license plate down on a notepad. And I thought, well, this is so much more dangerous. I believe this person's got way more follow-through in them than the person that took a picture. They're going to forget about taking that picture probably in an hour. But the dude who's got this book might do some extra work later. It's more threatening.

I've been stopped so many times. People saying, why are you writing down my license plate number? And it's like, I wasn't. I was writing down, like, what if trees had teeth? Writing down. Yeah, yeah. Dumb thoughts. You know, I'm just walking around in my own head, and I'm just writing down little notes.

But the notebook terrifies people. Okay. So from my point of view, I feel like your life is really charmed and fun and playful and adventurous. Do you feel that way about your life? Are you having a good time? Yeah, I am. Yeah, good. I really, gee, things worked out pretty well for me. I got to say, Really, gee, things worked out pretty well for me, I got to say. It's crazy to me. And does that make you naturally shift to, shit, I want to live a long time? You know, my dad was 98, and I don't need to live that long. Once the diapers come out, it's time to leave, as far as I'm concerned.

But I love life. I think it's a difference too, like when you're sober, because there was that time you thought, oh my God, how am I supposed to love life now? If I can't get high and if I can't drink, I just have to get through the rest of my life. And then to reach the point where you don't even think about, you see people getting high and you think, well, good for you. You see people having one drink or 12 drinks and you say, oh, good for you. That would just make me sad now. Like if you said to me, you're going to die in a week, I wouldn't get drunk.

I wouldn't get high. I wouldn't light a cigarette. So I wonder if you and I shared this at all. So when you were telling the story about the woman, what I immediately thought in my head was like, one thing I do miss about being a fuck up is that I ended up in so many crazy places. You know, like I've always said the most confusing thing to me about getting sober was going on vacation. Cause what you do on vacation is you go to the bar and order a drink and then then everything else just presents itself, in my experience. You end up with some strangers, and then you're taking a walk through some Jamaican town, and then you're in someone,

like, all one needs to do is decide to have a drink, and then it all kind of, so I had to learn how to have fun, I guess, and be playful without that, but when you were telling the story about the woman, I was thinking, yeah, if I was single and drunk, even with some fear, maybe let's go to a hotel and just see what happens. To your point, is she going to grab a stick? And drunk, I would be up for that. And then sober, I'm not. But all of this is to say that I was trying to convince a buddy of mine, who it ended up working, my childhood best friend, the love of my life, I was asking him to consider going to treatment. And he did. This was two years ago.

And I said to him, and I very much meant it. I'm like, do you remember when we were 12 and we were just fucking on fire to leave the house and go wander around IGA and then try to steal a pack of cigarettes and then walk to the school? Like, do you remember how on fire we were just to be on this planet? I'm like, I got that back at some point in these last 16 years. I feel

like I'm in eighth grade all the time. Like I'm excited to walk out the door and stumble into some stuff. I had been too reliant and dependent on something else to give me that feeling, but I got it back and I encouraged him that he could get it back. And by God, we were just together on a lake for a weekend, nothing to do other than just ask each other, like, at gunpoint, would you rather suck your dad's dick or eat your mom's pussy? Oh, my goodness.

That's such a good question. It's a great question, and I bet you can imagine how it lines up. Well, I would rather suck my dad's dick because I love my mother and I adored her and I think it would embarrass her if I ate her pussy. And so I'd stick with sucking my

dad's dick. Okay, thank you. Because I don't want to tarnish my mother like that. There's no right or wrong answer in it, but that is the right answer. Plus, I would suck at eating her pussy. I would get bombed in there. That's what I would do. Yeah, so the kind of consensus, we've asked probably 40 people this question now,

and generally women will go down on their mom and dudes will go down on their dads because there's something about the opposite sex factor that it's conceivable that neither party could ever get past that. But there's this hunch. I know there's a hunch for me that like me and my dad could get past that. Like, oh, that sucked. But here we are. But I don't know that my mother and I could ever have a relationship again.

And she's my favorite person. So, yeah. I mean, my mother would be good about let's put it behind us. You know, she would say that. But let's move on. It would just be weird to see it. And i would just feel too bad for her yeah yeah but when you said something earlier about oh if you were drunk or high you might have with this woman seen where it went see i wouldn't have been there in the first place because i couldn't leave the house when I was high. And I would have been high every night.

So I could not have gone anywhere after 11 o'clock at night. I couldn't have gone anywhere. Plus, I drank so much beer that I had to pee every five minutes instead of every 20 minutes. You just drank on the toilet, I'm sure. Yeah. It freed me to different times of day as well. I'm glad you're reminding me of that because I like to forget certain aspects, but yes, initially partying got me to all the things I just described. But yes, at the end, it's just me at my desk doing cocaine at 10 in the morning on Sunday, writing 12 page emails to people. That's the reality of me as an addict. I'm not out to meet that lady either.

Yeah, I'm doing whatever weird thing I do at my desk for fucking 16 hours. Yeah, me too. It promised to open my world, but it closed it. Yeah. Were you worried sobriety was going to take away your superpower? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's what kept me going for so long. Yeah. But

it didn't at all. I mean, I changed the time of day that I write. I mean, I tried keeping my same schedule. And you know how that is. You think, oh, I'll find a substitute beverage. But it's like they were all stuff I would never have considered. Like, oh, pineapple juice. Like, you're not going to. What are you going to drink? Like nine cans of pineapple juice. Like you're not going to, what are you going to drink? Like nine cans of pineapple juice? Yeah, you're going to die of a coma by Wednesday. I enjoy talking to you so much. My last question is given the seeming flexibility in your schedule that either the five mile walk can happen at midnight or it can happen first thing in the morning. What is your like schedule and is it super variable or how does it work? Usually it's pretty nailed down.

Okay. I mean, I'm at my desk by 10. Okay. Right. Every day, seven days a week. Like I don't remember the last time I didn't work the last day I didn't work. And then probably 1.30 of two, I have lunch and then I go and I walk some more because I usually walk between 15 and 20 miles a day. And I go back to my desk at like 7.30,

8 o'clock and work for another hour and a half. And then I like to have dinner really late. I mean, he was still in England, my boyfriend. So when he's out of town, I'll eat dinner at midnight sometimes. But now I don't eat at midnight because I'm out the door at midnight, you know, so I can get those steps in on my watch and they count for the next day. Oh, right, right, right, right. But I've always, all my life, I have to do my laundry on Sunday at 7 o'clock. And if it's 7.05, just everything, just everything just fell apart if I can't. So everything was super, super strict schedule. And I'm a little bit looser now. I can handle things like if I get thrown off by an hour or

something, I can find a way to deal with it. But I have my limits. Yeah. Like we had company a few weeks ago, and luckily it was Hugh's company, not mine. Right. So I still went to my desk at 10 o'clock, right? And when it's my company, I still go to my desk at 10 o'clock. And I just say to people, I'm so sorry, I have to work then. I'm so sorry. I have to work that. Yeah. And is this consistency driven by and motivated out of, at this point, it's literally just muscle memory or is it B, you enjoy it? Or is it C,

you're a lazy fucking piece of shit if you don't start writing at 10? Like what gets you there every day at 10? I started writing and I started writing at that time when I very first started. I think it was like 2 o'clock in the afternoon. And then I did it the next day at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, and the next day, and the next day, and the next day. I'm just wired that way. But now it's just so entwined with who I am. I can't separate being at my desk at 10 o'clock in the morning from who I am. I can't separate being at my desk at 10 o'clock in the morning from who I am. Maybe muscle memory then is the right choice. I don't have the constraints that you have. I don't have a family.

Right. I don't have children. Right. And so I don't know. I don't know how you do that. I mean, one of the reasons my boyfriend Hugh, his dad was a writer. So Hugh grew up with somebody in the next room with the door closed writing. And that to him is comforting. The sound of the typewriting is comforting. Yeah. Whereas I've been with people before and that felt like I'm shutting you out. Yeah, abandoning you every day. But Hugh was just used to it.

But I can't imagine having children and having to, I mean, this doesn't mean you would be a horrible parent, but I mean, people have called me crying on the phone before and I've listened to the answering machine and I'm like, I'll have to call them back after I'm finished here. Like I, of course. What if someone's like stranded, their car's broken down? Will you finish writing and then deal with that? I don't drive. There's nothing I can do. Perfect, perfect.

This is what I tell my mother. My mother leaves her phone on at night and she goes, well, what if there's an emergency? And I said, are you an EMT? Like, what are you going to do with this emergency you're alerted to? Like, provide CPR or a tourniquet? Like, you won't be needed in an emergency. You don't have any skills that are required in an emergency. Yeah, if I need someone to freak out on the sidelines, yeah, I'm sure to give you a call.

Yeah. All right. Well, David, we love you. We adore you. I'm so glad you're still writing prolifically. And I really, really hope people will buy immediately on October 5th, a carnival of snackery. And if you have the opportunity, you're doing 70 signings, did you say? I have 70 events. Wow. That's crazy.

That's crazy. Well, at the beginning of the pandemic, Ann Patchett was supposed to go on a book tour. And her book tour got canceled. And my lecture tour got canceled. And she said to me, I don't want to be the reason people get together and could possibly get sick. That never occurred to me. Yeah. I was like absolutely fine with them gathering and even dying.

So long as I got to be on stage. Of course. So I can't. You can't take on all that responsibility. Yeah, you're only responsible for you dying on the tour. I can't wait for this to be in front. I went to an event at the 92nd Street Y two months ago. And the performers were exuberant. The audience was exuberant. It just felt great. And I'm sure a lot of people maybe don't feel yet that it's

time and stuff. And that's fine. You're not begging anyone to come to the event, as I understand, right? Oh, yeah, I'll beg. Then you might be culpable. You might be found culpable for some of these deaths so right now it's 70 we'll see how many it turns out to be but i got my new teeth uh-huh none of my jackets or shirts fit me anymore so i went on this severe diet and i went down four belt notches wow what. What a great way to measure it. Yeah, I never weigh myself. And if everything gets canceled, I fucking lost all that weight for nothing. Yeah, yeah, that's true.

It'll have been for naught. Are you coming to LA? I'm going to go to Pasadena. Well, tell me. I'll take a walk with you. I think it's in November or something. I think my agent has a website. We'll look it up. I've never looked at myself on the computer, but I think if you look me up on

the computer, it goes to my agent's website. And then he, Stephen Barclay, a lecture agent, and then he's got my schedule on there. Okay. So I'll go on the computer on the internet and to find your agent, but it's November 12th, we just realized. November 12th? Yeah, and so all I'm saying is I would meet you at midnight on November 12th and walk with you five miles if you want. I would love to do that.

That'd be a really nice way to do it. You don't have to answer, but I'm going to warn you right now. Like you might think to yourself, oh, this will kind of be an interesting thing. I'll be walking with him and he's 6'2 and 210 pounds. I'll probably feel a little safer, but I want you to know it attracts a different kind of thing. It might be counterintuitive to you. Well, see, I was talking to somebody the other day. Who was it? Oh, it was one of the

doormen in my building. And he was telling me something that happened to him. And I said, you know, it could be because you're small. I said, I mean, I'm small too. So a lot of things happen to me because I'm small. And then people think, well, he'd be pretty easy to beat up. Right. Especially now that I lost all that weight. I'm small and I'm slight.

Yeah. And I can't blame people. You know, if I was going to look for somebody to rob and I had to choose between you and me. Right. I'd go for me. Sure. Yeah. Okay. So you're definitely vulnerable to that type of person, but what you're going to hopefully experience when we're on a walk is like, there's going to be some guy who I'd be a good victory for him to tell his friends about. There's a different incentive. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yeah. It's counterintuitive, right? That hadn't occurred to me. We'll have to see when we go on the walk. That's right. That's right. David, so great to talk to you.

And great luck with A Carnival of Snackery. And again, you can use the internet to find out his speaking engagements. Yeah, yeah. But of course, it'll bring you to his agent's own personal website first. Be well. Great seeing you. Thanks, Dax. Thanks, Monica.

Bye. All right, take care. And now my favorite part of the show, the fact check with my soulmate, Monica Padman. Are we ABR? Cheerio. This is our first fact check in two episodes. Sorry. Sorry.

What's our excuse? Well, we are in London. And we have to prioritize life sometimes. For me, anyway. Like, I would have made this happen if I didn't feel like. You'd rather be shopping. Not just shopping, but exploring the city. We're in a new place.

We never get to do this. And it's not looking at the big picture to be like, let's just really make sure we fit this in. And, you know. Yeah. The other thing was, so we would have done it on the weekend. But then we decided, let's go to Paris. We're close enough to go to Paris. So 36 hours to get there and get back doesn't really leave a lot of time to record.

No. And then you'd miss Paris. Exactly. And that's just not what we're going to do. That's not what we're about right now. And we don't want you guys to do that either. Take some time for your life if you can. Should we record a fact check on the airplane on the ride home tomorrow?

That could be so novel and proprietary. We could try it. And what if during the fact check, someone was trying to commandeer the aircraft and then I was on there and then you got, if, and I had to intervene and subdue the person, the perp, would you make me a promise that you'll run alongside the fist fight with the microphone? Sure. So you can get some audio? Sure. Okay. More, I thought you were going to say if- Land the plane. Yeah. Wow. I guess this is, let's put it this way.

If I end up landing the plane tomorrow, we're never even going to talk about the simulation again. It is. Because we've set up this whole thing. It seemed like it was a waste of time to even debate whether or not I could land a plane. And then to find out live? I really hope that does not happen.

On our flight over, there was quite a lot of turbulence. Yeah, that was pretty wild. We were asleep because we took a flight that left at 10 p.m., and then around 3 a.m., this van started rocking. Big time. Yeah, I mean, like, wild. Yeah, I don't know that I've ever really experienced that kind of turbulence. And it was a couple hours and so it was it was significant enough that after we landed you Anna and I were

talking and and we had we went through our whole life virtually right we like we had all contemplated okay we might be going down yes and what were your thoughts what were your life thoughts whenever I have those thoughts my first thought is like, I'm not sad. Like, weirdly, I'm grateful. Like, I'm thinking, man, I had a great fucking life. The only thing that makes me sad is my daughters are going to grow up without a dad. And then I worry about. Well, they were on the plane with us.

Exactly. So the one thing that normally I'd be like, well, I'm going to die. And then they won't have a dad. And then I get sad. And then I don't want to die. But we were all there. Yeah. Well, Kristen would be fucked. Yeah.

Her life would end. She said. She said she would walk off the building. Yes. If that had happened. If that had happened. We are not afraid to get dark on this show. But because I was like, well, they're dead asleep. Pun not intended.

Oh, Jesus. Jesus. And I thought, okay. Like, they had a great life. I had a great life. But is that okay? I'm just going to poke some holes, okay? Yeah, do it.

That's your job. Is that really selfish? Because for you, of course, yes. Like, for you, it's kind of a good scenario. You're going to be dead, and you had a a great life and the kids aren't going to have to live without a dad, but the kids didn't get to live a full life. Well, they didn't, but they also had a great life thus far. Like if I had to rate their life, you know, zero to eight years old, you know, Lincoln's riding motorcycles. She's got an air. She jumps. She's, she dances,

you know, she's done. She's had a great life. Like what's sad to me is like little babies sewing garments in the 1800s in a London sweatshop and then a thing collapses and they die. So it was like a terrible life and then they died. Right. But it's still sad that they won't get to live a full life. Okay, great. So let's get into this. The only thing that's sad about death is for the people that live. The people that die aren't sad. They're nowhere. Yeah, they can't be sad. Yeah. Either they're in a blank void, which is what I believe, or if you're religious, they're in heaven, which is a great place. So there's no pain or suffering on our end. It's just for the people that are alive. I think that's true.

There's no intrinsic sadness for us, the dead. Sure. So I feel bad for people who are alive. Yeah. I don't want my kids to die. Let's be very clear. God. And I don't want to die.

Yeah. But I was overwhelmed with gratitude that they have had a good life so far, and I had a great life. And I just had gratitude, I guess. Yeah. All right. Now walk me through yours. I was like, oh, my God. This is really getting bad. But it's probably fine.

And then it was just happening more and more. And I was getting a little more antsy. And then I kept checking for cues. Our stewardess is putting on parachutes. No, me and yours were next to each other. And we were sleeping during this time. It was the middle of the night. And I looked at you, and you were next to each other, and we were sleeping during this time. It was the middle of the night. And I looked at you, and you were still sleeping.

So I was like, oh, well, Dax thinks this is fine. So I guess it's probably fine. What if you looked over and I was racing to the cabin in the front of the airplane, and I just assumed the pilots had gone down? I mean, that wouldn't be that surprising. And then I thought, oh, God, are we over the ocean? Yeah. Because I don't know if we are. We probably are.

And, you know, shit, I wasn't paying attention during that life vest portion of the program. And I should have. And I was like, damn it. This is how it's going to get me. I kind of had to just get into some sort of acceptance mode. But I did do some praying. Oh, you did? Oh, my gosh.

That's great news. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Who were you praying to? Just a no-name God? I used to pray every night. Oh, you did? Uh-huh.

For a long time. I think I— Like in a Christian way? Not really. Like, not to Jesus. Okay, not to Jesus. And kind of just to a higher power. Okay, and all-knowing, all-loving.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's nice. It used to be a speech, basically. Like it was regimented. I said the same thing every night. You know, here we are. Learning something new. We're seven years in, and I'm just learning that you used to pray nightly.

Yep. I love this. Can you do the speech for me? No, I actually, I thought about it in my first second. I was like, should I say it? But I don't want to. Was it now I lay me down to sleep? No, it was specific.

It was like this person, this person, this person, this person, please no, blank. I had. Oh, my God. I can't believe you're not going to tell us. I bet it's so cute. I bet it's just like you farting and pooping your pants on the sidewalk. It'll make you more likable and lovable. No, but I'm just afraid.

It's like... Oh, it's like telling your mantra. Exactly. Okay, then I'm not going to push. Yeah. It could have no power anymore. Yeah. You exploited it for commerce. Yeah, I'm not doing that. Okay. So anyway, I used to do that every night and it was habitual and it was superstitious. I needed to do that before bed.

Right. And then at some point I stopped. Every now and then before bed, I'll say, please and thank you to the universe. Oh, I like that. Can I take a stab at one thing that was in that prayer? Yeah. Don't let me get kidnapped. Uh-huh. Yeah. There is a portion at the end that's like no blank and blank, no blank and blank. They were like pairings.

Yeah. Kidnappers and robbers was one pairing. like pairings. Kidnappers and robbers was one pairing. Would you ever tell me privately or that would also take away its power? I don't know. I'm going to think about it. When we were on the plane, I was like, okay, please

can we get through this? Then we did. Oh my gosh. Okay, so here's my guess about one you did on the plane. It's like, thank you, universe, for taking care of me this long and giving me such a wonderful life and the parents I love and all my friends. And it'd be great if I could get through this. And if Panguy could do a McLaren-themed color scheme like the sweater, well, you hadn't bought it yet. No.

But, you know, maybe like one thing about products. Sure. Okay. Sure, sure. That makes sense, yeah. Oh, I want to give him a shout-out because God knows he needs our help. Oh, he sure does. He so needs our help.

He's an up-and-comer. He's a loser. Daniel Ricciardo has a fashion line that you're wearing currently. Yes, I've said it on here that I have requested clothes from Danny, and he didn't deliver, except we saw him in person here. It was so lovely, and he hand-delivered shirt and shorts, and they are so cute. They really are. You're going to be wearing them in a photo, and people are always going to say, like,

oh, where's Monica? Where'd she get her thing? Well, I'm here to tell you it's called Ashante. Ashante. But the tagline is the greatest. Yeah, want to read it? Yeah. Do you have it? Yeah. I have it kind of memorized, but not enough. Okay, so the tagline of

Ashante is upper class elegance from lower class bandits. Come on, what a great... Such a good tag. I feel like that. I think that's why we're brothers from another mother. Because that's kind of the scheme I'm going for is like low rent, high rent. You're not going for upper class elegance. You hate upper class elegance.

I drive an E63. But you hate it. You hate elegance and upper class. And it's all you talk about. Well, listen. But I have some stuff that's upper class. I can admit it. You can admit it. Oh, I would say my tour bus is the apex of that exact thing.

Upper class elegance, but from low class bandits. For lower class bandits. Yes. You're right. Who blows their money on a fucking tour bus? You're right. Okay. Okay.

You proved me right. Oh, my gosh. Thank you. You proved me right. This Okay. You proved me right. Oh my gosh, thank you. You proved me right. This whole... You proved me right. That's what you said. I know. This is a huge ding, ding, ding.

This whole fact check, and I am just realizing. Okay. This is David Sedaris' fact check, and we're in London. Oh my God, and you know what's crazy? When we were debating going to Paris, it seemed a little logistically too challenging at some point for me. I was like, you know, let's just fucking take a train to the north of England, some fun place. And then I thought, oh, my God, we got to find out where Sedaris lives.

I want to walk through his little neighborhood where he is. Walking around at midnight. Yeah. I wanted to walk where he walked. Yeah. Well, you guys made a plan that eventually you guys are going to walk together in Pasadena. But no information was passed. No.

Yeah, so I doubt that's going to happen. Although they did ask me for our addresses. I think he's going to send another handwritten note. Oh, my God. Just nicest man. He's so adorable. He's so, he's one of my, I said this when we left, David is 100% coming to my celebrity dinner party. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

100% coming to my celebrity dinner party. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. In my version of it where I can pick all the people I want. Yeah. He's first on the list. He's just so fast. I'm not there, am I? I'm not there. Am I at that dinner party?

Oh, but I, yeah, as my friend. Yeah. Well, I could see where you'd be like, he'll steamroll. I don't want him there. Well, you have to promise you won't. I'll promise. It's so hard. I don't want him there. Well, you have to promise you won't. I'll promise. It's so hard. We went to a dinner party.

Yes. So we interviewed someone here. Yeah. You'll get some London interviews coming up, you guys. Yes, yes, yes. And they're fun. Yeah, we got a couple of great interviews. And one of them is a, this is a clue, a big food-

Preparer. Personality, I would say, but not really like a big food- Preparer. Personality, I would say, but not really like a chef. But not Gordon Ramsay. No. Yeah, because that's where my mind would go. Okay, it's not him, but you should let people's minds wander. Okay. Anyway, we loved this person very much, and he graciously invited us to his house for a dinner party.

Yeah. It was incredible. He cooked. Oh, my God. On his fact check, we Yeah. It was incredible. He cooked. Oh, my God. On his fact check, we'll get really into this. We will. And I'm going to ask a certain guest if I can out them for being there because there was a certain guest, of course, I really wanted him to like me because I've just liked him

forever. Yeah, you put on a show. I sure did. That's what you do. That's kind of what I'm known for. It is. And everyone enjoyed it. Yeah.

Can I tell you, this is really braggy. Our host and the actor I love were right by the doorway. You'd walk through the vent and go to the bathroom. So I walked by both of them. And as I was closing the door, I heard our host say I think he's the one of the funniest people I've ever met in real life and I like I closed the door and I just like you know I smiled oh that's so awesome it was really nice because I actually was wondering if I had gone too far because he was our host yeah because I read aloud from his book in an accent and I was like, was that too much?

I forgot about that part. That was a huge swing. Oh my God. Oh my God. This fact check could be 11 hours because we've done so much in England. I know. That's why we should have been doing them along the way.

Yeah. Listen, I wish we could switch bodies. I mean, I wish I could live as you for a week, and I wish you could live as me for a week. I would love to. And I'm just so curious. What thoughts precede me doing all this stuff? Well, no. I just want to know what it feels like to be you.

Oh, okay. Do you ever want to know what it feels like to be me? Is that a compliment or a burn? A compliment. Oh, good, good, good. I didn't know if that was a burn or not. Actually, it's neither. It's just truly curiosity. People behave so specifically, everyone, I behave so specifically and my personality is so specific and the thoughts in my head are so specific. And I want to be in other people's bodies and know theirs. I'm probably wrong, but I think I have a really good idea of what you're going through most times.

No, but you don't know what it's like in my brain. You can know me, but you don't know what it feels like in your body to see the dress hanging and want it so bad. That's very true. That's very true. You'll never know what that is. You're right. Yeah, and you won't know how it feels in my body when I'm just pinned going through the gears down the straightaway and wondering how long I can hold it before I have to break.

That whole, yeah, what happens in my body in that moment. Yeah, or what's happening in your body and brain at the dinner party versus mine. Well, I can tell you mostly I'm screaming, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, calm down, shut up, shut up, shut up. Yes. Like, believe it or not, you are seeing like 30% of what I want to be doing or saying. Wow. I know.

It's crazy. I can admit it. By the way, luckily it's rare. It's generally when we're around new people. I can give you an example. One time, Lake Bell, my old co-star, had us over for a barbecue and Cameron Diaz was there, who I'd never, I had this weird past with, I told him. I think I've said it. I don't know. Maybe on here. Yeah, I don't know. Back when I was using, I sent some texts. They weren't sexual towards her. It's not that kind of embarrassing, but embarrassing texts.

Well, I can tell you, I was very interested in Timberlake's workout routine. They were dating at the time, and I think I got really carried away, and I had been smoking meth in Hawaii, blah, blah, blah. So needless to say, she never texts me back. So I had been now for like 16 years wanting to get her ear just to say, I'm so sorry. I'm really not like that anymore, blah, blah, blah. So this was the opportunity. Well, I was just going, right? And Kristen walked by and she said to Cameron, are you okay?

And she said, yes, I'm really enjoying it. And she goes, okay, good. This is his favorite thing. So, and yes, if there's someone new, I get real energized. Yeah. Yeah. And this was like eight new people. Yeah.

Many of people I just have respected from afar. Yes, me too. Yeah. What do you feel in those situations? I feel insecure, very. Yeah. But it's such a weird thing. I felt really insecure, but I also feel confident.

I know. So you know why? Because you're a boss. It's like, I know you feel insecure, but you're also someone that can go audition. You know, like you can, you'll rise to the occasion. I also just not in the way you do. I'm not trying to like win the room. Right.

But I really do know how to talk to people. Absolutely. So I know I can always rely on just like a one-on-one conversation with someone. Well, let's go back to Danny really quick. Let's hop around. I was observing and I told you afterwards, I don't know what thoughts you had in your head, but you were so calm. And when it was your time you shined like a motherfucker and then you did it like you were

just you appeared to me like the most confident chick in the world thank you and i know that you had other thoughts in your head but at that party i hope you know i told everyone i talked to that you and i created this show together i know that's the hard Like, that's the thing I'm trying to get over. Like, I could tell when we were talking to one woman that in her defense, she didn't even know we had a show per se. She was like, you know, come to this comedy festival. Yes.

So she asked for my phone number because of this to try to like hook up this thing. And she gave me her phone to put it in. I put my name and then I put the podcast under it. Yeah. And then she said, okay, okay. I need to put Dax on here. And I was like- Oh boy. Oh, that's a bummer. And she didn't mean it meanly at all. And it's fine. But of course, those are the moments where

the insecurity spikes, where I'm living at a pretty. Yeah. And then I'm like, oh yeah, she has no idea who I am. No one here knows who I am. They're like, who is this person? Why is she here? This isn't, these are my thoughts. Yeah. But no, but they can't be your thoughts. Oh, not at that party. I'm just saying I have a history of those exact thoughts. That's what I always say about going to parties and stuff. I know, but mine's rooted in realness. A lot of people do not know me. They know you. Well, let me first of all say it's not rooted in realness because people aren't thinking, why is this person at the party? I wasn't thinking, why is this anyone at that party?

No, no, I know. But you know what I'm saying? It's rooted in realness in that I need an introduction and the rest of the people at the party do not, except maybe one or two. Right. Okay. And then I'm like, they all think I'm everyone's assistant. That's the thought. And that's fine.

I'm going to back up one second. Clearly, we were invited by someone we just interviewed. So the host knows exactly who you are. Oh, yeah. And when the host is inviting other people and telling them who's going to be there, he's telling them. But he might say, like, I did Dax's podcast,

and it was really fun, and I invited him to dinner, and his assistant... No. You were interviewing him. He knows you're the co-host. I don't know. Well, also... His assistant.

It's an easy mistake to make, especially if you don't listen to the show. Yeah, but not if you do the show. You couldn't possibly be doing the show thinking you're my assistant. Well. You're a shitty fucking assistant if you yell at me and tell me I'm wrong and make me insecure. What a good assistant. Well, I guess. Anyway, he was incredibly lovely.

I wasn't insecure around him. Oh, God. Anywho, God, there's so much more to say. There is. Also, we've had a few incredible interactions with some arm cherries. Yes, thank you. Thank you, thank you for bringing that up. And it's been so special.

And everyone is just so, it just, it keeps getting reiterated that everyone who's listening is so lovely. It's insane. It's special. It's insane. And I also want, just in case he's listening, I was at a bar with Anna and this man came up. Oh, in a band. He introduced himself. His name is Jesse.

Uh-huh. And he said, are you Monica? And I said, yes. And he was American. Yeah. And he said, I think,? And I said, yes. And he was American. Yeah. And he said, I think some nice things about the show. And then I said, what are you doing here? And he said, he's in a band and they just played a show.

Then he introduced himself to Anna. Loved that. Yeah. And then I said, really nice to meet you. He left. And then I immediately had a huge regret that I didn't ask him what band he was in or what kind of music he played or any questions about him. So I'm really sorry, Jesse, if you're listening. That wasn't a good indication of my interest level. Yeah.

I just was, I was really taken aback. I was not expecting- To be recognized. Yes. And also, if you're in Coldplay, I wish you would have told me. And can we be friends? Okay. So I have an apology to make to an armchair as well. Okay, go. Which is when we were in Paris, a woman came up and said that she goes, I was at the Tokyo Olympics when I listened to the Adam Grant Returns episode. She said she really loved that episode or something.

About happiness, the part on happiness. Yeah, but because she said the Olympics, I went straight to, I thought it was funny about that I look at the penises and I record the penises and all that stuff. You got confused about the Olympic portion. I did. And then so I think she was trying to say something sweet and profound about maybe a message Adam told her that helped her life. And I launched right into, oh, yeah, I take a... Oh, boy. It was all about those penis pictures.

And I could tell as she was walking away, like, oh, that's not what she actually was. She didn't stop. We're sorry. I am sorry. I got confused because of the Olympics. I really did. I really... And jet lag.

Yeah, yeah. And too much travel. Yeah. Okay, so those are our men's. Just know if you approach either of us, it's 50-50 whether we're going to put our foot in our mouth, I guess. Yours was worse than mine.

You proved me right. What a shitty assistant you are. Fucking I'd fire you in a second. You know what the great news is? There are no facts on David's episode. Yeah, that's good. It's just a fucking joy to listen to him talk. And just, oh, I just want to be around him all the time. We had this kind of post sum up, you and I.

We were talking about how special he is when we were done. And I was saying, I think maybe you pointed out. I don't know which one of us pointed out. But he occupies a space in my mind that is similar to Chappelle's. Which I don't know what his voodoo or his magic is. But he can say exactly what he thinks. And it's okay. Yeah.

And I love that. Yes. Chappelle's okay. Yeah. And I love that. Yes. Chappelle's also at my celebrity dinner party, obviously. Yeah. He's going to make mushroom tea. That's his jam. I'm fine with that. Okay, great.

And I'll let you know, but you can't have any of the tea. Okay. I'm going to need, look, what if it's medically supervised and someone puts me on some tranquilizer? Because at that party, the people you're going to invite, Chappelle and Satara, is like, I won't be able to control myself. I'll be on the table with my shirt off doing push-ups or something. We'll see. We'll see. Oh, my God. Yeah, I would be resentful at you if I had all these people at dinner and you were doing that.

Yeah, I'd put on some show. No, I mean, to an extent, of course, that's you. But if you're like, you know, really, really taking up all the air. Monopolizing. The point is to have these people chat. Yeah. Okay. So let's say that a five is like a bullseye of I didn't share too much or whatever at the dinner party.

A ten is no one ever spoke and I spoke the entire dinner. Zero is I never opened my mouth. Oh. Where do you think I landed at that dinner party? Oh. Six. Okay, yeah. Okay, great.

Because I kind of left and I was like, I was 10% too much, but I've been, I've been way more than 10% too much. Well, we didn't cover half the things we should have covered, but we're having a really nice time. Oh, I think we should. I think I imagine people will be like, that's all you're going to say about Ricardo. You're right. Yeah.

Cause there's, you know, a lot of, a lot of cherries are shipping for you big time. Yeah. And so I don't know that there's any conclusion, really, other than we're going to get to see him in Austin and maybe even for Halloween. And we all had a really great time. And Blake is like the best. Shout out. Blake is the hero of the Danny Rick scene. I just got to give Blake tons of love.

Blake is Danny's. They're best got to give Blake tons of love. Blake is Danny's... They're besties. He manages him. Yeah. He has the best disposition ever. He's Australian too. So funny, so smart, so cute. We love Blake.

Very much. I'm going to tell you, I'm going to give Daniel, I feel like the guy introduced himself to Anna. Yeah. And you're like, okay, good person. Yeah. So Danny walked into the restaurant.

I had this story I had to tell him immediately. I found something out that I knew he was going to love. And I literally ran up to him like, oh, my God, you got to eat, blah, blah, blah. And I was mid-talking. And he goes, oh, sorry, one second. I want to say hi to Monica. So he shut me completely down. He walked across the bar, tapped you on the shoulder, said hello, gave you the clothes.

Yes. Said hi to a couple other people, then came back and got the story. I was like, yeah, this guy's got fucking good manners. Really nice. Yeah. So, so, so kind. Oh, one other thing I got to say. I got to go to McLaren.

I got to go to McLaren, which is insane. And it was so fun. And the people there were so nice. And I got to see the I got to go to McLaren. I got to go to McLaren, which is insane. And it was so fun. And the people there were so nice. And I got to see the cars being physically built by hand. So cool. I got to see the whole F1 side of the place. I saw them working on the Formula 1 cars. I've never seen one in real life.

I only see them on TV. So to look at the arrow at the front, there's like 150 little mini fins that are controlling the downforce. It's so complicated and intricate. And everything's tiny little carbon fiber. It was, oh, the gap. I'm going to post this. The gap between the wheel and the floor pan, there isn't even a gap. I don't even understand how they would make something fit that well together.

You couldn't slide this toothpick between the edge of the car and the rear tire. Wow. It's so incredible. And then the history, they have something there called the Boulevard with all the, like, the Niki Lauda cars and the hunt. And just, it's crazy. It was really fun. So cool that you got to do that. I'm so happy.

And it looks just like it would be the Avengers compound because it's got that big lake and it's, like, super architectural and glass. And you're just waiting to see old Bob Downey Jr. walk out in the Iron Man costume. Very cool. I have thoughts on being American after this trip, but maybe we'll do it on the next fact check. Okay, great. On the airplane? On the airplane.

All right. I love you. Love you.