Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Eva Longoria

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Eva Longoria (Desperate Housewives, Flamin’ Hot) is an actor, producer, and director. Eva joins the Armchair Expert to discuss why she loved having kids later in life, how she views religion versus spirituality, and what growing up on a Texas ranch was like. Eva and Dax talk about what types of people they are attracted to, why acting in soap operas is so much work, and what biohacking techniques they use to improve their health. Eva explains why she wanted to make a film about Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, the importance of Latinos seeing themselves reflected on screen, and how she used Desperate Housewives as her film school.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Rather and I'm joined. It's so weird when you're sitting side saddle. I know. We don't do the intros side by side. We don't. We do them across the way. You're always on the couch.

Yeah, but not today. No way. We're turning it on its head or its side. We have a very fun guest today, Eva Longoria. Did that make you uncomfortable? A little. Eva Longoria. Eva Longoria is an actor, a producer, and a director.

Desperate Housewives, Devious Maids. And she has a movie out right now called Flamin' Hot, which is a super inspirational and cool story. She directed it. She directed it, yeah. And it's about Richard Montanez. She tells me how to pronounce it, and I'm not doing it correctly. But the gentleman who created Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Yeah.

Yeah, fascinating story. And then she's just so cool. She is. She's really fun. This is a bouncy one. It's a bouncy, fun, high-energy one. Please enjoy Eva Longoria. Trip Planner by Expedia.

You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. We're exactly the same way. He's an archer in spite March 15. March 15, January 2nd. Okay. Three months. I just met somebody. Will.i.am. That's it. Exactly. March 15, 1975. And do you find that you're at all similar?

Yes. I mean, musically, obviously. Very. Other than that? Obviously. Duh. Back in the day, in my wild days, you know, pre-children. Wait, children?

Well, I have three stepchildren. Oh, you do? Okay, okay, okay. And then I have one son. Your hair's so long and beautiful. Oh, honey, it's not mine. Oh, great. I love it. Oh, honey.

I love it. I'm trying to get it out. I'm not this girl. I'm like sleeping. I'm like, yeah. I just need to, can somebody come get these things out of my head? My hairstylist, because we have all these events coming up. Thank you so much.

He's like, we have to keep them in. Do you want anything in it? Don't pull them out. No, I'm perfect. Black is good. Okay. I'm black too. I mean, I am.

I'm black. You wish. No, I do wish. Love these. These are comfy. Oh, good. How old are you? I'm a baby.

Yeah, you're a baby. You're a child. Isn't he fucking cute? Yeah. People don't get to see Wobby Wob, but he's so cute. I took him to Las Vegas this weekend. We pull him out as like a special. Do you know he was kind of getting the Charlie treatment in Vegas.

Some girls fell in love with him and invited him to a strip club, and he had to tell them I'm a married man. I don't want to go to that. Oh, are you married? Yeah. He's got two little kids. What? I don't know.

You're a baby. He locked it down so young. You have the same look on your face, and we're the same age. You have the same look at 35. I mean, how old are we? I feel like we're so old. You're like, what? You should be.

Yeah, you're living it up. You don't want to know what I was doing at 35. I was divorced twice. No kids. I feel like my assistant and my social media girl, they're babies, and they don't go out. It's a different time. The young people don't do anything, babies and they don't go out. It's a different time. The young people don't do anything, right? They don't do anything.

There's real data. They don't have sex either. That's not good for our- That's not good. No. I think it's a lot of people get validation off social media and they feel connected and then they don't need to really go do anything. I mean, it's bad.

All my assistants are cool and hip and they dress nice and I'm like, where are you wearing this to? Other than my house. Yeah, to you. It's for you. You only. This should not be wasted on me. Yeah.

And they're like, I know. This must be a 1975 thing because this is me too, right? Monica will tell you. Everyone, I'm like, why aren't you guys out being young and having fun? Like, why aren't you meeting? What's going on? Like, let's go. I really want people to get out there.

I do too. My stepdaughter, she's 27 now, but she was coming to college to LA. She's from Mexico City. And I was like, this is gonna be amazing. Oh my God. I would have killed to go out of the country for college. You know what I mean? Just like, can you imagine?

New life. Paris or something? Yes. What? Spain? What? I want to go. And so I told her, you're going to have the best time.

And then she got a boyfriend right before she left in Mexico. So she was like going back and forth. I was like, why would you do that? She ended up marrying him and he's lovely. Lovely human being. I was like, this is it. You're going to sleep your way through the United States. You're going to Baskin Robbins.

You can sample all 31 flavors. You've got years to do this. Yes. So I was like, oh, why would you get a boyfriend and be all settled down? But then at what age do you think it switches over into, well, it's time. Okay, great. I love that. Sounds like a good time to settle down.

Lots of time left. How old are you? 36. Okay, you're a baby too. But don't you think 50 is young? Well, certainly now that I'm banging on its back door, yeah. Well, twofold. Well, 40 for sure is young though.

Oh, yes, absolutely. You could probably run a marathon if you were inclined. I started playing paddle tennis about 10 years ago. Not pickleball. Oh. To not paddle. To not pickleball. What is the difference?

Well, the ball. Oh, okay. The rackets. The court. The whole game. So a lot of the stuff. Completely different game. All right.

So completely different game. Do you have a chip on your shoulder that pickleball is so popular now? I don't. I own a pickleball team. Completely different game. So a completely different game. Do you have a chip on your shoulder that pickleball is so popular now? I don't. I own a pickleball team. Oh, well then fuck it. I do. So great.

If you can't beat them, join them. But I will say paddle is like a sport. It's hard. But literally three years ago, I was like, I think I might go pro. Wow. Of course. And I'm horrible. But in my head, I think I'm young enough to do that.

My husband's like, have you seen video of yourself? That's like Kristen every time we watch the Olympics. I could totally do that. She thinks she can be in the Olympics like for real. And I can't wrap my head around this. Yeah, but I really believe that. I believe that too. That's why you're sitting where you're at.

I mean, it is part of the recipe. You have to be naively optimistic in some weird way. Delusional. It's called delusion. You have to be fucking delusional. I think about it all the time. You guys have the embers. You're fancy.

Oh, yeah. We make up for the wires with the embers. Think of us as like a boutique hotel where, you know, it's a shitty hotel, but we've got enough accoutrement to make you think it's nice. There's incense. Yeah. We got some candles. You know what else, too?

I'm delusional in my optimism. I have body dysmorphia the other way. I think I look amazing. Oh, incredible. No. That's not. Hold on. Hold, hold, hold. Yeah. But is that not body dysmorphia? No, because you look incredible. No, no, no. I'm saying like I go in a red carpet and I'm like this dress with peacock feathers. Isn't this stunning? And then I see the red carpet photos and I'm like, why the fuck am I wearing peacock feathers? Or whatever it is. It literally is really bad. I remember I squeezed myself into something a month after pregnancy because I was like, I look good.

And then I look back at the pictures and I was like, why would I wear that? I really thought I looked good. But I think the thing, you did look good. Maybe now looking back you have a different opinion. I've never seen you not look good. I think I can solve it though. I think it's like what she thought she looked like. Yeah.

And then what objectively she sees she looks like. How is it objective? It's all coming from her the whole time. You're right. She is the single data set. No, I think a lot of people, there was a consensus that it was not good. There you go. We had children.

I was 38 when the first one came. And relative to other people with 10 yearyear-olds, I'm kind of old, but I'm like not a second too soon. I'm delighted I delayed. Yeah, me too. Right? Mine was 43. Aren't you just delighted that you chose it that way? Because us coming up in this industry at that time was so much hustle.

I remember submitting myself with Backstage West. Oh, God, yeah. Going to people's weird apartments and talking to a strange man. If only people knew what Thomas Guides were. You had to be all in for your own success. And when you have children, you have to be all in on them. And so I love that I'm not the center of my universe. People go, how's your life changed?

Isn't it crazy having a kid? And I go, it's amazing. Because I get to say no to everything. Yes, it's a built-in no. It's a built-in he's got a fever. It's like you have the flu for 18 years. You can always just say, I would love to, but I don't want to get everyone sick. Yeah.

COVID scared his school. Uh-huh. I think my life was simplified when I had him. Not like, it's so complicated now. Because you are no longer this inner universe. 40 years of my life, it was about me. Yeah. I completely exhausted it.

I cannot think anymore about what's right for me, what's right for me. And then I had Santi, and then I was like, oh, this is awesome. What's his name? Santiago Santi. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Well, he'd get confused with Santi Claus. Right now, he's going by Santi Quikike because his name is Santiago Enrique.

And the short nickname for Enrique is Kike. So he goes, I'm Santikike. And somebody said that to him. You're like, you're Santy Claus? And he goes, no. But he was like, could I be? Maybe. Is that an option?

Yes, exactly. If you're confusing me for him, maybe that's an option. We haven't even talked about Santa Claus. Several different times we've stepped in it where people got very upset. Like one is we didn't bathe our kids a lot. When they're babies, we did. But then as soon as they hit like six or seven, a couple times a week is great. Until they stink.

That was a big hoopla. People were disgusted with us. But didn't Mila and Ashton say the same thing? That's where it came from. We were talking to Mila on the podcast. But another thing is this, which is Santa Claus. We got to that age. Roll it out for her.

You know, Saint Nick's going to come by. He's huge. He's going to come down the chimney. And I was just looking at her face. And even at three, she was like, oh, this doesn't jive with what I know about physics and the size of the world and people. And so I told her the one lie. And then over the next week and a half, just question after question, poking holes in this. And now I'm like 51st lie on Wednesday. I don't like this. I don't like that I'm gaslighting. I don't like that the best part of her personality, you know, her inquisitiveness

and her going, this doesn't feel right. And I was like, fuck it. We're not doing this. So we didn't do it. And guess what like, fuck it, we're not doing this. So we didn't do it. And guess what? Christmas is just as fun at our house as it was when I was a kid. I'm in that now. Like, do I do the powdered footsteps on the, we don't even have a chimney.

We don't even have a fireplace. Do I build a fireplace? But you know what's so funny about girls? I have a boy, which I'm so thankful, but girls, it's hard because you want her to question everything. Especially a man telling her something. Exactly. Raising a girl when you're like, okay, simmer down and sit down and be a good girl and stay in line.

That's not the woman you want her to be. So you have to like, yes, you call bullshit and I see your bullshit. I fold. You just folded your hand. You know, it had no impact. We're all going to be together. You're not in school and you get a shitload of presents. Still magical. How is that a bummer? Yeah. Do you know James Purfoy? Amazing actor. We shot this thing together. We're talking about Christmas and he said, I did the whole thing. There's a place. Where do you go? Not in Iceland or Norway or somewhere you go. You get off the plane. A sled picks you up with reindeer. Yeah.

Reindeer takes you to your little cottage. You go across the lake. The elves are making cookies. There's a house. The smoke is coming out. There's Mrs. Claus. She welcomes you in. I want to go.

I want to go. I want to take Sunday. And then you go into the room and there's Mr. Claus. They must have 28 of these, you know what I mean? Because I have to service all these families. But there's Mr. Claus. They must have 28 of these, you know what I mean? Because I have to service all these families, but there's Mr. Claus, Can you imagine the dining hall there? Yeah.

Yeah, right? 28 Santas. Smoking. Yeah. Fading shots. Drinking some spiked eggnog. Anyway, he did the whole thing and he goes,

so now my son is like 13. He knows Santa's not real, but he goes, the other day, I was just listening to him talk to his friends and he goes, you know Santa's not real.

Meaning the guy at the mall, that's not Santa, and that guy's not Santa. He goes, I've met him. Oh, at 13. Yeah, and James turned around going, oh my god, this lie I told him at five. Yes. He's never bought the commercialization of it. No, that's not real. Yes. Because I met the real guy. Oh my god. And he to like sit him down at 13 and go like, no, no. Although that place was real. The people there were in character. Yeah. Like going to Disneyland.

Yes. Santa hasn't come up. Isn't that weird? He's five. He just turned five. Oh, well, this is probably the year. Because he's in preschool and stuff now. Well, I was thinking of doing the shelf on the elf.

Yeah. Elf on the shelf. Okay. So we started that. Okay. Disaster. You're not going to like writing this. So much work. Well, I don't know where you're at. You went to Catholic school growing up and on the elf. Yeah. Elf on the shelf. Okay, so we started that. Okay, disaster. You're not going to like writing this, guys. So much work. Well, I don't know where you're at.

You went to Catholic school growing up and this and that. But I started also seeing the parallel of how you're laying the groundwork for another thing. So elf on the shelf is perfect. He's a little guy and he's magic. And if you touch him, he can't be an elf anymore. You ruin his elfness if you touch him. That's built in. Is that on the box?

Yeah, it's like original sin is built into it. Oh, yes. And like the shame. And then every little kid touches it. How could they not? Like you're putting a fucking cute little stuffed animal that's magic. So of course they're going to touch it. And then they're riddled with guilt. They're going to hell, basically. They've killed this elf. I'm like, why are we doing this? It's a slippery

slope. It is. And I feel like it's all just laying the foundation to go like, yeah, I know it's crazy the world's 3,000 years old, but that's how It is. And I feel like it's all just laying the foundation to go like, yeah, I know it's crazy the world's 3000 years old, but that's how it is. And we don't know what to say about these dinosaur bones. I know, but it's so funny because when Santi was four, yeah, so maybe a year ago, he was asking me something, but mom, why? But mom, why? And it never ended. And I said, because God made it like that. Yeah. Yeah. And we're in the car and he goes, who's God? And I literally was like, oh my God, has he never come up? Have I not mentioned him?

And then I felt, as a horrible Catholic, I was like, oh God, I forgot to mention God. Slipped your mind for four years. Slipped my mind for four years. Because he goes, who's that? And I was like, oh my gosh. Also, what a question. So you live in the neighborhood? What a profound question.

No, and so then I go, well, he. Yes, him. Maybe she. They. And I had to Google, give a Google of how to explain. Because I wanted it right. Not in dogma or spooky as George Carlin would say, spooky language. I wanted it to be almost where he goes, oh, got it.

And there was a kid his age. He went viral because he explained what God was. And he goes, well, God is energy. Basically, it's in everything. He explained it so well. So I just played the video for him. Oh, perfect. You outsourced it to an eight-year-old. Yeah. I was like, here you go. And he said it so great. I got to give a shout out to that kid. But he says profound stuff. What if he became your new spiritual leader this year? Yeah, what if he is God? Yes.

And so the other day I said something and Santi goes, well, God did that because he's the energy source. He had such a smart answer for it. And I said, exactly. I just said simply, a lot of people believe in God. A lot of people don't. I don't. But a lot of people do. You're free to do either.

So that was all easy for me. But then we got to the, and then what's happening? You're going to die and I'm going to die crying. You know, you get to that age where they recognize you're going to die and then they recognize they're going to die crying, crying, crying. There's nothing to be said. It's a tragedy. We die. It's heartbreaking. There's no silver lining to it, but it's sitting right there. All I got to say is, but in heaven, we'll all see each other. It's so tempting because I could comfort this very scary reality. That's the most tempted I've ever been to perpetuate the thing that I personally just don't believe is real. But boy, it was so tempting. But then it just passed. Then we were on to the next thing. Well, I've had to use the heaven thing because we've had pets die.

Okay, great. As we all've had to use the heaven thing because we've had pets die. Okay, great. As we all know, they go to heaven. Or the pet cemetery, which seems scarier. No, Popeye, our dog, died suddenly, and he doesn't understand where he went. Yes. Right. So even me saying, we just buried him. Remember, you were there?

And he's like, no, but where is he? He really was talking about his soul or whatever. So then I was like, you know, he's in heaven with Judy Garland because my son loves Judy Garland. He likes Somewhere Over the Rainbow. So he watches this video and he goes, where is she? And I said, well, she's no longer here. She's not here.

Where? What's her location? Do we have eyes on? She shared her location on the iPhone. It snowballed. Do we have eyes on? On Judy Garland. So then we're watching Judy Garland. I said, well, she's in heaven. And then it led to Elvis Presley. And he goes, where is he?

And I said, he's in heaven as well. There's a little stretch there maybe. Literally every video that kept coming up of songs that he liked was dead people. But when you get to listen. It's a snowball. I know it is. It's never ending. And then inevitably he's going to go, where's Michael Jackson?

Or where's Jeffrey Epstein? And you're going to go. Well, Ep It's never ending. Inevitably, he's going to go, where's Michael Jackson? Or where's Jeffrey Epstein? And you're going to go, well, Epstein's in hell. But Mike Jackson. Oh, more of a middle ground. That's a tough, unpack why he might not be. Heaven is a conversation you do not want to have. So our friend was driving in the car with his three daughters. And Michael Jackson was on the radio.

And he kind of painted himself into a corner. He just let out, it's complicated. Something about it's complicated. And then one of the daughters in back goes, what did he do? Yeah, he said he did some bad stuff. He did some bad stuff. And then she's like, well, what did he do? And he's like, I really don't want to talk about it in the car right now. Maybe we'll sit down and we'll go through it. Beat, beat, beat. I really don't want to talk about it in the car right now. Maybe we'll sit down and we'll go through it. Beep, beep, beep.

Did he smoke cigarettes? The worst thing possible. It was the worst. Couldn't even be talked about in the car. We'd have to get home and discuss it. I was like, the way young people think about smoking is so comical to me. Having grown up inside of a fucking ashtray with my parents and the windows up and the cigarettes everywhere, the airplane. Yes.

Were you a smoker? I was. Yeah, me too. I loved it. In fact, when we met. Did we share a cigarette? I had just quit. Oh, yeah.

I've been quit for 16 or 17 years now. Yeah, I quit 10 years ago. But I smoked for like five years because I dated a Spaniard. Oh, yeah. He was a chimney. And I would be an occasional. And then I met my husband now and he said, I'll never forget that first lunch we had. You must have smoked 12 cigarettes.

Oh, no kidding. For lunch. And then maybe I was dating him a month and I was like, I don't want to smoke anymore. And I quit. Wow. That's it. You have a very non-addictive personality. You do.

I do. It's just a blessing. My wife's that way. When I met her, she smoked non-addictive personality. Yeah. You do. I do. It's just a blessing. My wife's that way. When I met her, she smoked. Yeah. Like at night with her friends. Yeah. And then a couple months went by and I said, wow, you kind of effortlessly quit smoking.

She goes, I didn't quit. And I go, you haven't smoked in like two months. Yeah. No. Had no recollection. Assume she still smoked. I can't imagine that. But my son, he must have seen this on the interweb.

Something about smoking. And he said like, I want to smoke. And I was like, absolutely not. You will die. He said he wanted to. Yeah, he goes, I want to smoke. And he's four, right? And I was like, no, absolutely not.

You will die. He goes, why? And I said, it's toxic and it kills you slowly and you will die. Like, I wanted to be very clear about it. And you will not go to heaven with Judy Garland. You will not be with Judy Garland. That's hells for the smokers. So then we go to Spain and I'm shooting in Spain where everybody smokes.

And he's walking on the street, and he goes, excuse me, sir, that's toxic, and you're going to die. Oh, wow. And then he goes to the next person and the next person. Well, he's saving their lives. I was like, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. I kept apologizing to people. I'm like, I don't know where he got that.

Maybe this is personal, but do you believe in heaven? I do because I'm culturally Catholic. Yeah. Yeah. I usually have a very big rosary on. I literally realized I forgot to put it on today. No, I grew up very Catholic and I'm still practicing Catholic. But yeah, it's complicated now, especially because I'm a huge scientist in my head.

Right. So the new telescope and we can see the beginning of time a billion years ago not 3 000 years yeah i'm a historian and i love facts we just had the man who has the nasa grant to study for exoplanets around stars to establish some proof of life you had a real guest no no that's our thursday our smarty pants guests oh he said what well. What? Well, you know, there's like three or 400 billion stars in just our galaxy. Yeah. Our galaxy is one of many,

many billions of galaxies. Billions, right. So he said there are a trillion billion stars. Try to think about that. Think that math. And that one in five of them have planets on them

that could sustain life. Oh. So one fifth of a trillion billion. But how far is that from us? 10 light years away is one of them. 100 light years, you know, scattered throughout everywhere. So that's really hard to make peace with the notion that there's probably a couple hundred kabillion life forms somewhere in the universe.

When did he create those? When did him do that? Yeah. When did she do that? When did she? Even that, it starts breaking down so quickly. Also, then you apply a gender stereotype, which I have from the era I grew up in, which is I don't think it is a she because look at this place. It's so cutthroat and fucking the strongest, dumbest person wins.

That can't be a she design. That's got to be a fucking me design. Let's give the big boys all the power. What? But Deepak Chopra is a different. I'm going to just drop that name on this couch. Deepak Chopra. Now, I've known him for many years.

He actually has debates of, like, religion and God or spirituality and science, and he's written several books about it. His conclusion is they coexist. Yeah. Yeah, we had another great guy, Neil Thiessen, who's a physicist and a fucking oncologist, everything. Very spiritual. Yeah, and he's made peace a fucking oncologist, everything. Very spiritual. Yeah. And he's made peace in some weird way. I was buying him.

Yeah, it made sense. I got pretty deep. I was like, wow, you got me as close to that as I can experience. Yeah. I want to know if you have it in your heart and in your chest. The only thing I can feel that definitely feels supernatural is the child parent experience. What's supernatural about it? It's so much bigger and weirder than science.

Yeah. And she's existed forever and yet hasn't. There's something to me that is fully outside of the world of academia I came from. And that's maybe the only thing in life. Oh, interesting. So do you have that feeling in many different areas? Yeah, love.

I'm also a Buddhist. Also, there's past life. Of course, we've been here many times. What do you call that thing when you're into the stars or signs? Astrology. Astrology? Astrologist. Astronomy is the real thing.

Astrology is the- It's the kooky thing. Yeah, yeah. With much respect, I say that. Yeah, I love it. I'm of high seas, rising. I love all of it. I am a theologian.

I'm like, ooh, what do you believe? Ooh, I want that. I love all of it. I am a theologian. Like, I'm like, ooh, what do you believe? Ooh, I want that. I like the buffet style. I'm going to take past lives from you, and I'm going to take hell and heaven from you. Santa Claus from y'all. Santa Claus from you guys. And Easter Bunny. No.

But the past lives thing, I will have so many deja vus with my son. Or he'll say something. Like, well, when I was a doctor. He'll say it. He'll say it. When I was a doctor., well, when I was a doctor. He'll say it. He'll say it. When I was a doctor. Yeah. Mom, I was a doctor.

And I said, when? And he goes, before. And I'm like, really? Or he just looks at me and he touches my face and he just holds me like my husband would. Right. Like a wise person. Yes. Yes.

Looking through time. Yeah. I've known this face for an eternity. That gives me goosebumps. Yes. Looking through time. Yeah. I've known this face for an eternity. That gives me goosebumps. Yeah. I'm not comfortable just calling it love because I've certainly loved partners tremendously. And I love my mother and my siblings. Yeah.

But this is a different kind of love. This is a different thing. It transcends all those things for me. Well, it's like people go, would you ever murder somebody? You go, no. And you're like, if something happened to your child, yes. Yeah. Everyone.

Everyone. Yes. Zero thought about it. if something happened to your child, yes. Yeah. Everyone. Everyone. Yes. Zero thought about it. I know. The things I have agreed. We have a friend who has terrible questions all the time. Yeah. It's like, would you kill this country to save your child?

I'm like, yes. I know it's amoral, but I would. Yeah. I don't know what to tell you. I know. Anywho, Corpus Christi. Miss Corpus Christi, 1998. Yes.

I know this about you. Very esteemed honor. You and Matthew McConaughey. Little Mr. Texas, although it turns out he wasn't. Do you know this story about him? No. He grew up believing he had won Little Mr. Texas, and he was in the newspaper his whole life. His mother would introduce him.

You know he was Little Mr. Texas when he was six years old. He found the newspaper clip, and he looked closer at the picture, and it says clearly, runner up, Matthew McConaughey. He did not win Little Mr. Texas, but he grew up believing he was Little Mr. Texas. And it made him him. Yes. Good for him. But I got to tell you one funny thing. Corpus Christi, my best friend Aaron Weakley and I, 1993, going into Christmas break, we're going to take a road trip. We don't know where we're going to go. Talk about Thomas Guide. Got out the Rand McNally, huge map I had in my car, look in the back and there are all these

tables and it would do average temperature of a city in December. We literally just went down it and Corpus Christi was the highest average temperature on Christmas. So we got in the car and we drove to Corpus Christi and we got there. This is 1993. Oh my God. I was graduating high school. Me too.

You too. us too. And we got there and we were like, huh, some business buildings. I remember sitting in the middle of the town, no stores, no restaurants. And we were like, what the fuck are we going to do now? And then we discovered that Padre Island was right across the way. And we ended up being there for like six days. Yeah, Padre Island's great. What was Corpus Christi like, 75 to 93?

I grew up on a ranch outside of Corpus. So I would go to school and then our whole summers and almost every weekend we were on the ranch. So it was really almost 50-50 with pigs and chicken. Oh, that's kind of heavenly. And then we would go to school in Corpus Christi. What did mom and dad do? They're Tejano? This is worth exploring. Tejano, yes. Tejano. So they're original people that settled inside of Texas when it was Mexico.

We never crossed the border. The border crossed us. Wow. Post-Mexican American War. And their family had 4,000 acres on the Rio Grande that was taken once the lines were drawn. Oh, wow. Much of that land was taken from land barons

and just going, ah, and you're gone. Okay, so what did mom and dad do? My mom was a special education teacher. Okay. And your sister also was special needs? Yes, because my sister's special needs. Oh, that's how it started. Yeah, my mom would go to school with her every day

and just sit and was like terrified. She's like, I might as well be making $26 an hour. I might as well be making $9 an hour. Yeah. How horrible. Teachers are bad. And my mom would go every day with her We'll be making $26 an hour. I might as well be making $9 an hour. Horrible. Teachers are bad. And my mom would go every day with her, and the teacher said, you should apply to be a teacher's aide. And every time my sister moved up a grade, she would move up with her.

So she was always in the same class as my special needs sister. And then she got her associate's degree to become a teacher. So my mom went to night school and then became a teacher. So she was a special education teacher for 30 years. Oh my gosh. Wow. Saint. And then my dad, he worked for the army base in Corpus Christi. Corpus Christi is big. Yes. Military. The neat thing about Padre Island is there's federal beach and there's state beach. They're right next to each other. And one of them you can stay for like nine days.

Yeah. You can just camp on the beach and you can drive your car on the beach. Very cool. Yeah. You can just camp on the beach and you can drive your car on the beach. Very cool. Yeah. And many of the people we were bumping into were military people that were either on a leave and they were just bouncing back and forth from the state beach to the federal beach. But yes, tons and tons of- And you can carry a gun.

Yeah, sure. Because any of those jellyfish attacks, you're ready to go. So he was Army Corps of Engineers type? Yeah, my dad's smart and my mom's a teacher. So we were a very academic family. And you're the youngest of four. I'm the youngest of four.

I'm the disappointment. Tell me. Yeah, I want to know what your role is. I heard you say that on Vogue Beauty Secrets. I watched that. I love that. You could even say addicted. Yeah.

That's your thing. You say that on there and you say you're the black sheep. And I was like, I can't. Yeah. I mean, my sisters look like you. Yeah. They're six, too. And heavily tattooed. Big nose. Beard. Yeah. Cover mean, my sisters look like you. Yeah. They're six, too, and heavily tattooed, big nose.

Beard. Yeah, covering up arguably a weak chin. No, I grew up as the ugly, dark one, la prieta fea, because they look alike. They were all blonde when they were born, and they have really light eyes. They're light skin. And then I came out like a chocolate chip. I was like black hair, dark skin. You're very Latina looking.

I'm super Latina. They're not. They're not. They're not. And are your parents? Was it rumored? I don't look like anybody, but they look alike. Was there a Latino teacher at the school? I ended up doing that DNA Dr. Gates show. And I was like, mom, just tell me now because it's coming out. And she's like, will you stop? Because my whole life I was like, I know I was adopted or, or. You had some fun. Or, and she's like, really, really? Like, come on. You black sheep.

I sat down and they're rolling and he has this book of all the- This is scary. All this stuff that they're about to tell you, but they want it on camera. And he's like, you are going to be so surprised. Oh my God. Oh, I can't wait.

Okay. Is her mic okay? Are we good? Did we mark? Did we mark it? Right? And then he's saying that and. Oh, I can't wait. Okay. Is her mic okay? Are we good? Did we mark it? Right. And then he's saying that and saying that and I go, I'm so sorry. Hold on. Am I my father's daughter? And he goes, yeah. I go, okay. That's not, you're not going to tell me that on camera. Take your time now. Okay. But oh my God, I lived for one second. I thought he was going to go and your father's not your father. Well, you know, that happened to Kerry Washington. Yes. I just did her book tour and I interviewed her.

So we laugh about it because it's the same thing as she was going to do that show. Yes. And she did not know her father wasn't her father. And I was like, oh, it's so funny. I was going to use that show to out my mom. I was like, oh, I got you now, lady. Got you over a barrel. You're not a saint.

One thing that was shocking about that Gates situation is that you're 70% European. With the Tejanonist, I would have thought it would have been less, right? Me too. My whole life, I'm like, Mexican. I'm such a proud Mexican-American. Of course. And that's what was the shocking thing, was he was like, you are mostly Spaniard still. And I was like, what?

I'm the colonizer? Yes, conquistador. You're the first enemy. But, you know, I live half the time in Spain now, and I have a house in Spain, and I have a show in Spain. So I really feel Spanish as well. So I'm like, I am home. We live in Mexico City. And so I'm like, this is my land.

And I'm a patriotic American. And in L.A., you drive around. Yeah. And I live in Beverly Hills. Where in Spain? I live in Marbella. Where Spain? I live in Marbella. Where's Marbella? Marbella.

It's in Andalusia, which is Malaga, Cordoba, Sevilla. It's like the south. It's gorgeous. I'm learning that I'm very ignorant on Spanish geography. I used to be so bad. I never knew where anything was, specifically in the United States. I'm like, where is North Dakota? Is that up, down?

Is that to the right, to the left? There's a clue with the north, but yeah. Right, but no, that's it i one time i was so bad i go i'm so bad at geology you really are but now i'm better mostly because my son is amazing he's like mom did you know blah blah blah is in africa and this country and our stewardess one time was from Romania. And he goes, oh, that's next to blah, blah, blah. Oh, he knew where Romania was. He knew the bordering states of Romania, not just Romania is over here.

He was like, oh, so you're next to this and that. Well, dad has to be bright. I'm just deducing that from his role in his professional life. My baby daddy. Yes, is very smart. He's successful. Yes. He's the president of Televisa.

He was. He was. Yeah. But you can't come to occupy that role and be a dum-dum. Yeah, no, he's very smart. Is that what got you horniest for him? Yes, yes.

What's his most attractive quality? His most attractive quality is he's the kindest human being you will ever meet. Meet him right now and you'd fall in love. You're like, oh yeah, I love him. I love him more than you. So I realized I'm not that nice. Well, but this is what I was just going to drill into.

Kind, it wouldn't be in my top four things I was looking for in most of my life. Kind sounds boring. I'm a little bit of an arousal junkie. So was kind, do you think that was an age thing for you? That you would have put kind as number? Did you always go for kind? I actually, yeah. Kind and talented.

People go, you don't even have a type because they would think like everybody I've been with and nobody looks alike. And I was like, no, I think the common denominators, everybody I've been with had an amazing talent. Like I was with a composer and then I was with, you know, an athlete. I really admire talent and brains. You pointed at me. Yes, and brains. And it just made may feel so good. I don't know if you're just acknowledging I said brains

or you're implying I have them. But I liked it no matter what. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Sasha hated sand. The way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Sasha hated sand. The way it stuck to things for weeks.

So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool, and a waterfall, and a soaking tub, and of course a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel.

I do think age, though, makes kindness more of a... I do, too. I'm now coming to the point where I feel like that's a quality I admire. Yeah, well, you know, it's like when a friend tries to set you up and they're like, he's so nice. Yeah, no thanks. So he's ugly, you know?

And my husband, thank God, is so handsome and nice. But I think nice, we've talked about this before, but I think nice and kind is different. I think kind is deep within. Yeah, in your soul. Good person. You can. I think kind is deep within. Yeah. In your soul. Good person. Yes. You can be a sociopath and be nice. Yeah. Exactly. As part of your tech. Most of them are. Yes. Yes. Nice is a very superficial thing. And I think kindness is a deeper thing. I agree. Everybody asks me that. And I always say kind about my husband because it is something so

deep in who he is as a human being. He's an amazing son to his mom. If my son can be half the son my husband is to his mom, the way he speaks to his mother, he calls her every morning, he calls her every night, sees her all the time. Oh, that makes me feel better. I know. Me too. I'm not that way.

I'm like, Mom, I talked to you last month. Why don't I talk to you again? Oh, my God. I know. But now that they're getting older, now I'm like, I need to talk to my mom more. I know. He's a great sibling. He's an amazing dad.

That kindness is a huge umbrella trait that leaks into so much. The way he does business with people, the way he shows up in our marriage. Yeah. It's all connected. This is dicey, but I'm just going to be brutally honest. So I remember hearing that Salma Hayek had married a man and that he was the richest man in France. And then I made stupid assumptions about that. Oh, on her? Maybe like, of course, she got a billionaire. That's a great retirement plan, you know? And then I met him. Have you met?

I love Francois. Francois is so attractive and fucking appealing. And same thing, warm and generous and kind and sexy as fuck. Like in a photo when I'd see it, I was like, I'm not sure. Was around them. I was like, oh, I'm so stupid. This guy's so attractive and hot. Yeah. When she tells a story too, she didn't roll over and was like, ooh, a billionaire.

She was like, wait, so your dad's money. So you have your dad's money. Yes. But what do you do? Yes. Ran him up and down the flagpole. Yeah, she drilled him and like, okay, but what do you do? And he's like, no, I run this company.

And I'm doing it very well and it's growing exponentially. And she's an amazing human being. So you go, okay. There's some fun overlap with you guys. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. In all the most wonderful ways. She's one of my favorite human beings on the planet.

I like Francois because she chose him, right? Like I go, okay, that makes sense. I liked Obama because I met Michelle Obama. And I go, okay, well, if you chose him. That is the greatest judge of character. I'm glad you're pointing that out. I'm pretty critical of rich older dudes who get someone who's just along for the ride and is going to look pretty. I'm like, that's it for you?

That's what keeps you entertained? That makes me think you're boring as fuck if you can do that. But I asked somebody that one time. I said, come on. What are you guys talking about? And he's like, we're not. We're fucking. And he says, I don't seek that in a partner.

I have that stimulation from my friends, from my business partners. He's not looking to that person. To be challenged. To carry that torch. I guess that's fine. But hey, if you know that, then great. I want to be very clear. I'm up for anybody who's happy.

There's also people that want the role of not talking. I don't know. That's fine. Everything's fine for everybody. I just personally cannot. Me too. No. I couldn't know. That's fine. Everything's fine for everybody. I just personally cannot. Me too. No. I couldn't even, are you this way at all?

I could either have one night stands or I could be with you for many, many years. There's no room for the middle ground. Oh yeah, that was probably in my youth for sure of like, are we getting married or bye. I just know really quick if I can spend years with you or not. I can't do this thing where it's like,

it's pretty obvious we're not gonna be together for a while, but I'm just gonna hang for six months. It you or not. I can't do this thing where it's like, it's pretty obvious we're not going to be together for a while, but I'm just going to hang for six months. It's very uncomfortable. I can't do not smart. That's Monica's. I was on a couple of dates. Yeah. And I'm like. It's hard when they're so pretty.

Yeah. But then. It's hard to talk to. But not even like, there are pretty people that know how to leverage that, which makes them smart. Yeah. That's true. That's true. I appreciate that.

You got game. You're leveraging. Like, I'm not smart, so I'm going to leverage that, which makes them smart. Yeah, that's true. Which I go, I appreciate that. You got game. You're leveraging, like I'm not smart so I'm going to leverage this. And then there's guys that are pretty and don't know it and are dumb

and don't even know how to leverage it. You know what I mean? And I'm like, look what you're working with. Let's do something here. Come on. Kind of like your assistants.

Let's get on the town with this shit. That's a great outfit. Get that outfit out there. Let's get over to Starbucks or something. Stand in line for a while. Starbucks.

You really have not dated in a while. I couldn't think of the name of Earth Cafe, but now I've got it. Ear one. Okay. Yeah, yeah, sure. Why don't you go get a Hailey Bieber smoothie and meet somebody for God's sake. Get a couple numbers. Yeah.

But I do think, what is it? Youth is wasted on the young. Yes. I love that saying. I want my 20-year-old body, but I want my 50-year-old brain. Yeah. I do want to know a little bit about Corpus Christi. You're the black sheep of the family.

Yeah. I don't know what the role of a fourth born. That's a paradigm I'm not familiar with. What are you? One of what? I'm the middle of three. Oh. Big age gap.

Are you middle child? I'm middle child. Yeah. No, but do you have that middle? Oh, big time. What ones, I guess. Right. I don't know. What are the stereotypes you think of? Isn't it child. Yeah. No, but do you have that middle? Big time. What ones, I guess. Right. I don't know.

Isn't it like nobody's paying attention to me? Oh, for certain I was like lost in the shuffle. And then we moved to Hollywood to get the attention I was so duly owed in my childhood. But also kind of a peacemaker, like an arbitrator between stressed out people. There was a baby and a teenager in the house. So it's like, of course there was no fucking. Room for you. Yeah.

Understandably. Me, I was like an afterthought. So my mom would be like, oh yeah, where did Eva go? Which is funny because I took one of those personality tests. Is it the Enneagrams or something? Yeah. Oh, Enneagrams. Yes. So there's nine personalities and you're all of them, but you're primarily one of them. I was like cheerleader or overachiever. Like I was in between these two and it said, you probably think you're in between these two because you're an overachiever and want to be more than one. But I'm reading this thing and it said, I self-love, I'm very independent. And I was like, yes, I am. Oh my God, I am.

I really don't need your validation. I don't need attention. I'm an actor, right? Yeah, yeah. It literally says you must have had a sick sibling in your household. Right. Because you go, oh, mom and dad's attention goes to my older sister. And you can take two routes. One is, why not me? I want attention. When some kids have a sibling with cancer and they go, well, I want cancer. Why does she get to have cancer?

It's like that kind of mentality that you don't understand that you don't want that. I don't want the mental disability. I want the attention and love that she's getting. Why does she get everything? You want the focus. Right. So you could go that route or you go, oh, okay, mom and dad's busy. I'm going to self-love. And that's the route I happen to take. I don't know why people ask me like, how did you come up with that? I didn't. It just happened. I don't know. I like this explanation a lot. If I'm understanding you correctly, the two options on the table, I think one is you're a victim.

Yes. And the other one is maybe you recognize the circumstance. In my case, I think it was like, well, I go to this place for six hours a day and I seem to be very popular there. Like I get all the attention there because I'm just loud and I make jokes. Yeah. I love it. I never felt like a victim from it. No. You are a gangster. I've only been around you a couple of times. We got to work together for a day in New Mexico. I was delighted that you remembered when you walked in. I was like, oh, she remembers. I was so excited. I was like,

I'm going to be in a Dax Shepard movie. Yes, I did. Not a Dane Cook movie. No, no, no. And it was because my friend Jessica Simpson was in the film and movie. No, no, no. Jack Shepard movie. And it was because my friend Jessica Simpson was in the film. And she's like, will you come do this cameo? And I was like, with Jack Shepard? With Jack Shepard? Oh, how flattering. I know that news did not get to me until just now.

You would have thought Jessica could have passed that along to me. I was so excited. And I was like, only one day? You guys don't need me for more? You guys were like, no, it's kind of, it's just a flashback. It's like a little... Oh, I had a very fun day. And then I was cut out of the movie!

Oh, no. And then they cut me out of the movie. I do want to talk about what you did direct with my dear friend, Michael Pena. Oh, yes, Chips.

Isn't he fucking brilliant? That movie's amazing. Thank you. Oh, amazing. You don't understand the slow-mo of the penis hitting you in the face. All of it. It's my kind of funny.

That's what I always say. When people go, do you like so-and-so? I was like, I don't like his movies. That's not my kind of funny. You are my kind of funny. Wow. Michael's my kind of funny. Yes.

What he is great at and which I love is he plays everything dead serious, which is, for me, the way comedy should always be played. 100%. He should be sincere, never in on the joke, and Pena can do it all. Yeah. He's so, so good. That's just because he's such a good actor.

But he understands funny too, right? He also understands what he needs to do to set up the other guy. That's true. Michael and I did a dramatic movie together, very dramatic. I'm a comedy actress. He's mostly comedy. We show up. The director's like, great. I have you two.

We're like, no, we can do this. We really can. Stop laughing. Stop laughing. But he's so good. I love Michael. But that's also the era I loved. Because it wasn't a spoof, but it was like an homage to Chips. And Eric Estrada. And he was so fun.

Come on. He was so fun. But back to 05 or 06. Oh, I know for sure because I found the photos today. Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to send them. I'm going to show them to you.

Baby. This was almost 20 years ago. First, I'm going to show Monica. Let me see this. Where did you get these, by the way? Wow. It's not like we had iPhones. Listen, my very first digital wow i gotta

tell you the whole thing so i got that movie they paid me so much money to do that movie i hadn't made a ton of money yet look at my tits i know they're enormous but you know what it was the bra because they told me they go we need you like va va boom so they gave me one of those like big water scroll to the left or right you're gonna find more of us oh my god was it dame look like that in that photo well what's that guy's name? Greg Coolidge, the director. Yes, I knew that. Looks like Jess. Sure. From far away.

Yeah, what a look. Those are rough. When I pulled them up, you looked exactly how you looked in my memory, but when I saw me I was like, Jesus, I do not want to show these pictures. You look so little. That is not you. I know, how weird is that? You look like a nerdy guy in high school. It's not a great hairdo for me, the character.

Yeah, was this? The bleached on and the brushed bangs. And the comb. What is it? The Caesar. Caesar. Yeah, not a great look. George Clooney.

He made it famous. Were you trying to be George Clooney? Well, I was trying to be a turd. Who isn't? I play a douchebag in the movie, so I was trying to look as bad as I could, and I achieved my goal. You don't look bad. You just don't look like you.

Yes, you look like a 12-year-old version of you. Yeah, it's not great. Oh, my God, I love those. Let me see those. Oh, I want those. Can I have them? Yeah, of course. I'll send those to you.

You look the same. Yeah, you do. You really do. You look exactly the same. I remember, you know, Dane was a big deal in that moment. You were such a big deal. I was a big deal. No. You were a big deal. I was a big deal. No.

You were a big deal. Jessica was a huge deal. Jessica was huge. I stayed at her house when I was shooting that. In Santa Fe or in Albuquerque? I don't remember where that even shot. Okay. It was in New Mexico.

We started in Santa Fe, which was lovely. No, it was definitely Albuquerque. Okay. I would have remembered Santa Fe. Well, it's lovely. It's lovely. You know, being specific. Yeah, yeah, yes.

It's like Adobe. Exactly. Good food. Albuquerque looks like LA. I've shot two movies. I've shot remembered Santa Fe. Well, it's lovely. It's lovely. You know, being specific. Yeah, yeah, yes. Adobe. Exactly. Good food. Albuquerque looks like LA. I've shot two movies. I shot Flaming Hot in Albuquerque. Oh, you did? Yeah.

Okay. I have two questions about Desperate Housewives and then I want to talk about Flaming Hot. Okay. One is, first of all, I was on that Universal lot with Parenthood for six years. Oh, yes, you were. I knew this.

And we did our Halloween scene on that street. Yeah. And it was all like- We're steriling. Yes. It, yes, you were. And we would like, we did our Halloween scene on that street. Yeah. And it was all like. Wisteria Lane. Yes. It's still very alive there. It's very iconic now. I see it in every movie commercial.

I go, ah, you cannot disguise that street. Yes. And now people know they know, but they don't know they know it. Yeah. It's pretty cool. It's like John Travolta,

I think has a Citibank commercial right now. And I'm like, ah, that's Wisteria Lane. Oh, you just passed my house. Yep. That's me. My curiosity now, like way after the fact is the rumored gossipy stuff that no one got along.

How much of it was factual and how much we would now see is just like this narrative about women that there's like no way these women could get along. I remember even back then it was a narrative about women because there was all these shows with men on the air and nobody was like, they're fighting. Exactly. What is it? Dylan McDermott's fighting. Like, I don't know what shows were on, but I was a baby too.

Like Felicity and Marsha and Terry had all had hit shows. This was like another hit show. They had Melrose Place and Lois and Clark and Sports Night. And I remember when we were asked to be on Oprah and I was like, we're going to be on Oprah. Like I could have died that day. And all three of them were like, I've been on. Right, right, right. I was like, oh, gonna be on Oprah. Like I could have died that day. And all three of them are like, I've been on. Right, right, right, right, right.

I was like, oh, I mean, okay, yeah. Like, yeah, it's not a big deal. Yeah, it's not a big deal. But meaning like they all had such a better handle on fame, on that narrative. I'm like, you guys are saying we're fighting. They're like, well, that's just a narrative that they do on women

because we're over 40 in a television show. And I was like, yeah. I wasn't even that smart to understand that. That feels comforting if everyone's kind of in on it. I would just think, everyone shut the fuck up. Why are they saying that? Like, I could imagine being hurt about it. Oh, hurt? No.

Also, we were working so hard. Anything that happened outside the show, we were like, what? We could never come up for air to really get outside of ourselves. We were only on the set. Because you were doing, what, 24 a year? 24 a year for a decade, basically. And so we had six weeks off. And you'd do a movie or something? And I couldn't do a movie. I maybe did three movies, the whole Desperate Outsiders, yours being one of them. But I remember that noise being outside of us. We were in such a bubble with our crew and each other. We could only talk to each other about like,

doesn't this suck? Yeah, of course. You can't really complain. Right. But I remember going to, I don't know if it was me and Felicity or me and Nicolette,

but we had to go to London for press because the show was a global phenomenon. I just read this. 120 million global viewers. Yeah. That's bigger than the Super Bowl.

That's crazy. Insane. Just the United States was 30 million. There's no show on viewers. Yeah. That's bigger than the Super Bowl. That's insane. Just the United States was 30 million. There's no show on now. No, and I feel like we were one of the last hits out of Hitsville TV. After that, streaming came, and then that was the end of that era. But I remember going to London, and we're pulling up to our hotel, and there's fans for blocks. But like, oh, I wonder what's happening here. Is there a concert happening?

And then we get to the hotel, and it's like, ah. I asked the driver, I was like, oh, I wonder what's happening here. Is there a concert happening? And then we get to the hotel and it's like, I asked the driver, I was like, oh my God, who's here? And he goes, you. Who's here? No, no. I mean, is it like U2, Madonna? Is 007 inside? Somebody's in this hotel that these people are trying to get to. And he was so confused that I was confused. Yeah. Because I tell you, I didn't understand it. So all that stuff of we're fighting, even like number one show, you're amazing. Good and bad didn't penetrate because we were working and I was exhausted. We worked 18 hour days. We would have photo shoots on the weekends.

The machine was just running. And Marsha would say that every time we'd have a hiatus and we'd come back to our first table read, she's like, plug us in because you have no control of your schedule. You can't go to the gynecologist. You can't go to the dentist. It's hard. She's like, you're plugged in for 11 months and then they unplug you and you can kind of, ugh. But people ask me that a lot. They're like, were you guys really fighting?

I was like, God, I forgot that was a thing. It was a thing. It was a big thing. Yeah. I don't think I was savvy enough, though, at the time to recognize, oh, this is what they do every time. To women. Women. When women of a certain age as well. But I remember when I hosted SNL and Tina Fey, we spoofed it.

She's like, let's spoof you guys fighting. I was like, okay, that'd be funny. It was a thing because if it made a skit on SNL, then you know you were in pop culture. Yeah. It's like the ultimate. You've arrived. Yes. Probably a blessing that you were so inundated though, because that would have been so weird for you to have felt all of it, the extreme fame so fast.

Yeah. Also, I moved to Hollywood four years. So, and I'd been working and working and working and working. And I touched every rung of the ladder. I was an extra. I was like, I just want to be an extra. I want to be on a set. Then I had one line. Then I had two lines and I had five lines. And I was a coung of the ladder. I was an extra. I was like, I just want to be an extra. I want to be on a set. Then I had one line.

Then I had two lines. And I had five lines. And I was a co-star. It wasn't like I was spotted at Starbucks. By the time I had that audition, I was like, I'm the only one. Well, you had already done Young and the Restless for two or three years. Three years, yeah. Three years.

Okay, two of my favorite things. One is, maybe this is apocryphal or it's real, but your first time on TV, was it on Beverly Hills 90210? First line. Okay, but listen, growing up, we're the same age. I fucking loved 90210. Oh, are you kidding? You were in Texas watching it, and then you walked in, and you were in it. With Luke Perry.

Is that maybe, that's about as good as it can get. Yeah, I was like, I can move home now. I was on 90210. With Luke Perry. With Luke Perry. I had one line. Do you remember it? No.

I'll find it on YouTube. Oh, honey, I barely remember my name. He's like, is so-and-so on that plane? I go, honey, I don't even know my name or something like that. So you have a little attitude. But I remember Tori Spelling directed that episode. Oh, no kidding. I also remember I was like, oh, you can direct.

I remember actually that entering my head of like, but she's an actor and that you could be a multi-hyphenate. It's funny because that was the only thing I had done for like the whole year. And then I was asked to be in a celebrity bowling tournament or something. Me and Wilmer Valderrama. Wonderful. Yes. He's so nice and calm. I just started that 70s show.

And so we're there at this celebrity. All I have on my resume is 90210. And the guy who introduced us, you know, introduced Wilmer. He goes, Wilmer Duggan La Mama. Oh, my God. Couldn't even say his name. Oh, my God. And then me, he goes, and Eva Longoria from 90,210.

Oh no! Oh my God. That's great. 90,210. Sorry, I think it's 90210. I think people know it as 90210. From 90,210, please welcome Eva Longoria. I think people know it as 90210. Oh, my God. From 90,210, please welcome Eva Blaglo.

I don't know why it just hit me that it's weird we say 90210 instead of 90210. Oh. Why do we do that? Well, like, how do you say the actual, how do you say your business managers? Right, 90212. Because I remember 90210. I don't live at my business manager. So the only way I actually remember that zip code is from the show. And I just go, oh, it's the two. I'll be in London and they need my billing address. And I go, blah, blah, blah, 90212. They go, oh, 90211. Like even they, like, it's not just an American thing. It's a global

thing. Yes. But yeah. So that was my first speaking role and I was very excited about it. The other thing I've had a few guests on that have done soap operas, the notion of shooting 30 pages a day or whatever it is, is so funny to me. What is it like? Hard. For the rest of your career, at least you can memorize dialogue. Oh, I'm so good at dialogue. Do you think because of that? Oh yeah, 100%.

Although you cannot say being on a soap is a great training ground because they get very offended. Okay. And I don't mean- No, I'm sparing you the cancellation from daytime fan. But I will say, I think I started with the hardest genre, not just because of 30 pages a day, because the acting required to deliver that much dialogue and scenes and work daily. You're going to cry. Now you're going to go have sex, but now you're going to go slap this person. People are like, oh, I got it. It's so silly.

It's not. It's so hard. And so then I went from that to Desperate Housewives, which was, oh, we're doing three pages today. Like what? Walk in the park. To doing sitcom, I feel like I did start. Daytime television is the hardest genre you can do. It takes really talented people to stay in it. Absolutely. The endurance of it is incredible. The endurance and the blocking and the speed. We're going to block here. You're going to go there. Okay. Are we ready? Five, four, three. Wow. I would argue as well. And again, I'm on

thin ice here, potentially be offensive what I'm about to say, but I think it's true that those programs, the star of the show is the show above all other genres. What I mean by that is you're going to have to do some things that are kind of crazy that if you were in a drama with fucking whoever directing and you had days, you'd go like, man, I just don't relate to this. And you'd have to figure out how you relate to it and find a way in. But this, it's coming so hot and fast that I think you could learn to just commit.

And that's a valuable skill to learn. Like I'm not gonna connect with double crossing my best friend to murder her husband. I don't even know where to find purchase with that, but I can fucking commit. And I feel like that's a really good skill to pick up early on not only that divas of daytime are men oh interesting really this is stereotypical if there are such thing as divas but they're like oh divas of primetime are women but divas of daytime are men oh wow like they're the ones like where's my coffee oh okay

a lot of cool things about that show again i didn't know about 120 million global viewers also most episodes of a female lead cast ever. No. When you guys ended, you had beat Charmed for the very most amount of episodes ever done with a female cast. Wow. Yeah, that's cool. Oh, I love Charmed. I think.

Yeah, me too. I think that's amazing. And how many are there? There aren't that many. The most. Of how many? Of the only. Yeah.

But 180 episodes is a ton. No, it's incredible. It's more of a comment on society. But when you say it too, Dispressors was amazing and I'm so thankful and grateful for it, but I refuse to believe that my greatest success is behind me.

Right. Like when you say that, when you go, look at this, you did this so long ago and I was like, right, but wait till you see what I'm doing next. And I don't know what it is, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also how you measure success changes too but I hear those things and I don't know though you know what I mean like I'm like did we do this is a very this is a very

interesting potential review let for us to put our boats in okay so for me I came out on punked it was a quote reality show when I started doing movies and stuff the interviewers would always go like well what's it like to act now? And I was always so offended by that. I'm like, well, the highest form of acting was me convincing these people this didn't really happen. You know, I was so defensive. And also reality show, reality show. Oh, he's a reality show guy who got to do blah, blah, blah.

I ran from that show. Embarrassingly so. Because I love Kutcher. And it gave me everything. I bet maybe four or five years ago I started going, fucking A, I'm proud that I was on that show. Like that was hard. We launched it. I did a good job.

I'm fucking proud. But it took me 15 years away from it to actually be able to be grateful and proud. I'm wondering for you what the experience is. Because again, yeah, punk always comes up for me. That's so long ago. Idiocracy is so long ago. Oh, I love idiocracy.

I loved that movie. They have this weird life of their own, right? Where it's like for a while, you just want to shut the fuck up about it. I don't want to hear about it. No, I've never been that way. I love being called Gabby in an airport. But I have a friend of mine, a Maori,

who was on prison break and he played Sukre. So we'll be in London or Paris. People go, Sukre. And he goes, oh, oh. And I go, you've got to be grateful that they know who that is, that they know who you are. He's turned a corner

and now he likes it. He's like, you know what? It is nice. But I've always been that way. I've always been so grateful when people go, there's going to be a reboot.

And I was like, I hope so. I'll be the first one to show up. I'm already on Mr. Steri Lane. And I was grateful in the moment. I was like, you guys, isn't this cool?

There's fucking tuna sandwiches at Crafty's that somebody's making. Like they didn't come pre-wrapped. Fresh. Yeah. That comes from being the extra and then the co-star. You tasted every piece of it. Yeah. I was just happy to work.

Didn't you also, you got your master's during this period? During Desperate All-Stars, yes. Chicano Studies master's? Chicano Studies. How on earth knowing the schedule we just heard? Well, this was in year six maybe. So we were kind of a well-oiled machine. We still worked 18-hour days, but I was like, I have to do night school Tuesdays and Thursdays.

So I would do night school during Desperate Housewives. And I'd drive out to Northridge. And what was it like to be on that show at its height and then rolling into class? Were people so fucked up? Yeah. Well, I felt like the alien. I wasn't the novelty. It was like they were all 22-year-olds

so fresh in their academic journey. They were like, we should lay Oedipus theory upon this and let's see what happens. And I'm like, what is Oedipus theory? Because it was so fresh for them and so far for me. I was only 30-something.

I was still young, but I remember feeling old and they were so smart. You were 33 when you graduated. 30, let's see, 75, 25, 35, 38 when you graduated. So you probably started at 35. I mean, for me, I was like, I was so young. I was your age. And I loved it though.

But I didn't mean to get my master's. I accidentally got my master's in the sense of like, I wanted to learn more about my political activism. And so I was like, but why is it that? Or what happened with the immigration policies? A friend of mine gave me a book and I read the book called Occupied America. And it was like, oh my God. And I look in the back. So I was like, I would love to meet this author. I just want to call and have coffee with him. And he was at Northridge. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to go sit and have coffee with him and he convinced me to take like Chicano 101 he's like just take like a basis overview of what this discipline is and I was like okay great took that I loved it then he's like you should take this other class it's Chicano feminism and I was like oh my god yes and so I took that class and then I

took another class and finally the college was like, you must enroll. Okay. They're like enough of this. You can't just keep taking classes. Yeah. Stop flirting with us. You gotta ask us out. Yeah. And then I was like, oh my God. And then I had to take the master's test. What is it? The GMAT? I don't remember what it was. Yeah. To get in. To get into a master's. Yeah. And I was like, oh my God. All of it was like gone from my brain. And I had to read. Cause you already had a degree in kinesiology. Just really quick. What was your goal when you majored in? I had to read. Because you already had a degree in kinesiology. Just really quick, what was your goal when you majored in? I wanted to be a physical therapist. My dream was to work for the Dallas Cowboys. I wanted to be a sports trainer. Cut to like my college year and I'm just taping ankles at college for football players. And I was like, I don't know if this is what I

imagined and never used it since. Do you think though that that base knowledge, as you've lived through every conceivable fad of working out, having an actual scientific knowledge of how the body moves, you could go, that's bullshit. Or yeah, that doesn't work for my body. I was a trainer. I was an aerobics instructor in college. I had 18 jobs. It definitely benefits me as you get older.

My hips are tight or whatever it is. It definitely comes in. What is your primary exercise? Weight training. Oh, I hear you. Heavy weights. And then I bounce. Do you read Peter Atiyah's book, Outlive? No. I know who he is. Okay. Yeah. Great book. I'm into the cold plunging. Same. Yes. I love it. I know. You're just awake all day. You're just like this. Hi. Yeah, I'm ready. Also, it clears your thinking up in three minutes. Did you read Iceman? I've read Iceman. I didn't read Iceman.

I'm into biohacking. You like Huberman? I love Huberman. Oh my God. I love his podcast. I love Gary from 10X. I listen to him a lot. Oh, I don't know Gary from 10X.

He's like another great biohacker. My thing is not about getting old. We're all going to get old. I don't want to age badly. I want to be agile. I want to get up. I want to play with my kids. I want my joints not to hurt. I don't care if I have a wrinkle. That's not what I'm trying to hack into. I'm trying to hack into being efficient. Having the lifestyle you want to have. Right. I want to travel. I want to climb a pyramid. So you'll love the Atiyah book. He starts with all of his patients by saying, what do you want to do in the last 10 years of your life? So let's list those goals.

It doesn't matter. Whatever your goals are. There's no hierarchy. Climb Everest or whatever. Yeah. Could be walk for three miles on the beach with your grandkids. And then he breaks down how much VO2 max you need for that, how much strength you need to do that. And then you work backwards.

You can go, okay, well, you declined 8% a decade. eight percent a decade so if you want to be able to have this oxygen output with this amount of strength then today you have to be able to deadlift twice your weight and have grip strength of this yeah are you weight training mostly yeah i love it i love it specifically for women we should be weight training because of osteoporosis to do well nothing changes your body except heavy weight, like Pilates for 10 years. Great maintenance. But also the very common chronic diseases that women will get, osteoporosis being one of them, the very best solution to that is heavy weight training. I used to be a runner and I would have bad knees and my trainer's like, we got to strengthen your quads. And so once I just started doing heavy lifting, my quads strengthened, my knee problem went away.

Exact same. I was like, what? And lower back strengthened. My knee problem went away. Exact same. I was like, what? And lower back. No body issues now that I specifically like. I have tennis elbow now, which is crazy. Oh, congratulations. From your pickleball? Thanks for my paddle.

From my paddle tennis. Okay. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. So, we're in an interesting situation, and we can cut this part out. But you know, this might shock you. We are in an issue. Before you direct, what was that? You are not your father's daughter. I've got some updated info from gates dr springer jerry springer bring them in rob

the most mexican looking dude you've ever seen rolls in poncho on a whole nine it's Eric Estrada yes it's Estrada we interviewed Richard when the story came out the Flamin' Hot story oh Richard Montanez yes I was afraid to pronounce his last name incorrectly

you can say Montanez Montanez Montanez I can say that Montanez Mont like a Montanez Montanez Montanez

yeah okay Richard Montanez so we interviewed him years ago you did here yes it was over Zoom it must have been maybe COVID-y Okay. Richard Montanez. So we interviewed him years ago. You did? Here? Yes. It was over Zoom. It was over Zoom.

It must have been maybe COVID-y. And we loved him. He's great. He's such a sweet person. And his story is so interesting aside from the- From the Cheetos. Yes. Yes.

How he grew up in fucking Riverside area. Almost the day after we recorded with him, there was this LA Times piece that his story wasn't potentially true. And we were just like really stuck between we didn't know what to do. Like we loved this guy, but we didn't know like this LA Times is saying that's not true. We didn't know what to do. And it's one of the only episodes we didn't ever air. We didn't.

And I would say if it had been now, we would have aired it. Yeah. Knowing us. I think we would have aired it. And then maybe at the intro said, hey, this exists, we don't really know anything else, but we loved this person in this interview. But then we were like, oh, maybe we

should wait and see if it is true or it isn't true and then we never got more info. We were hoping that there would be some resolution to that. Yeah. So it's always like, we'll release it when we have it. Well, there was though. Pepsi put out a statement. Okay, can you clarify? Yeah, because, you know, Pepsi owns Frito-Lay, and this chemist had come out saying,

he didn't invent Flaming Hot. I did. And we're like, right. That can also be true. In his book and in the movie, we never say he's the food chemist that worked in a food lab and mixed maltodextrin with glucomoccus and whatever else is in that.

But his story and journey, the Flaming Hot Cheeto in his life is like the least interesting thing about him. His book is really great. He shouldn't be alive, much less successful. He's an incredibly impressive person. Yeah, and he's not educated and he's super smart and he's so funny and witty and he's super scary and tatted all up and like gangbanger, could shank you. All the things. He's so complex, and he always says that. He goes, I'm the smartest uneducated bato you'll ever meet because he's really smart, but you can tell he's not educated.

And so I remember I got sent the script, and it read kind of like a documentary. It was like he did this, he did this. And I cried four times. Oh my God, there's a story here. And then I went down a rabbit hole of his YouTube videos because he's a motivational speaker now. And he does TED Talks. Yeah. He worked at Pepsi for 40 years.

So when the LA Times article came out, I'm like, you don't work at a company for 40 years and somebody debunks your entire legacy there. He's in training videos. Pepsi flew him all over the world to tell his story. Within the week, Pepsi came out and said, we value Richard 1000%. Obviously, a product is made of teams of people. I was trying to read between the lines and just go like, are they taking this position so they don't owe him $1 billion? That's very conceivable. They don't owe the other person a billion dollars. They don't owe anybody a billion. Yeah.

They're like, we don't want to get sued. Yes. Everything was to be risk adverse. What seemed like when I was making a case for it has to be true is he wouldn't have climbed the ladder there. He is. Well, that's a very significant happening. An executive at PepsiCo. Yes.

And just retired two years ago. We were prepping the movie. He was still working. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Okay. So really quick, because we didn't release the episode. You should release it now.

I'm talking, yeah. We might need to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, maybe we will. But it's an incredible story. Because it's an incredible story. It's about this guy who's been caught in the cycle of poverty his whole life. His grandpa was a gangbanger. His dad's a gangbanger.

He's a gangbanger. He was dealing drugs since he was eight and then used at 12, literally later in life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Judy. But he was just so impressive. And I wanted to put the movie in his voice and his perspective. And that really gave us so much creative liberty because the whole movie is his perspective. There's fantasy sequences.

He told me a story. He's like, man, I remember I was mopping and a guy spit his gum right in front of my mop, just on the floor. Little did that guy know I could kill him with my hands right now. He goes, but I didn't, I had to mind my gangster. So when we're writing the film and I go, but what if you did kick his ass in the movie, like in your head? And so a lot of the movies, like what he thought happened in his head. And it was in the seventies and eighties. So Frito-Lay at the time was also different companies. There was West Coast Frito-Lay and Midwest Frito-Lay.

And so they had a product in the Midwest that they were working on, a spicy potato chip. And then at the same time, Richard was over here saying, you should pay attention to the Hispanic market. So his gift wasn't that he did the recipe. His gift was that he is known as the godfather of Latino marketing. He was the first person in corporate America to go, maybe you should market differently to Hispanics than you do to black people than you do to white people. That position of multicultural marketing, Pepsi and Frito-Lay was the first company to have that position. Which is very late.

Yeah. And they were like, what? And so that's what his genius was, his grassroots marketing, his ability to use his Mexicanness as his superpower of like, I know what my people like. I'm telling you, if we offer a product for them, for us, we'd show up, we'd give you our money. And that's what the movie's about. Be seen. We matter too. And what happens when opportunity is not distributed equally? Everybody's talented. You can be talented. You can be talented, but do you get the opportunity? Do we have the infrastructure of opportunity in every neighborhood, in every culture? No,

we don't. And so his whole life, people told him, no, that job is not for you. And no, no, no, that opportunity isn't for somebody who looks like you or sounds like you. And he dared to ask, why not me? Why can't a good idea come from somebody who looks like me and sounds like me? Yeah. It reminds me too of Salma's story when she came from Mexico and she was like, why aren't they putting us as stars and things? We're a huge percentage of the population and we show up for each other. How are they missing this as a business? Fuck my own philanthropic desire and social justice desire.

Just as business people, you guys are really asleep on this. Yeah. It's not a moral imperative. Right. You're bad business folk. you guys are really asleep on this. Yeah. It's not a moral imperative. Right. You're bad business folk. Yeah. It's an economic imperative. Yeah.

Watch it with your kids. They will love it. Oh, wonderful. I can watch it with my kids. Do they eat Flaming Hot Cheetos? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So they'll love it. I don't trust anyone who doesn't like Flaming Hot Cheetos.

Really? By the way, the first time I ate a regular Cheeto, I thought something was wrong with my bag. I was like, I got a dud. I got a dud. I got a dud. And my friend was like, that's regular. And I go, they make regular? No flavor?

I had no idea why they would make anything but. Oh, that's wonderful. My best friend, Aaron Weakley, he was eating them so much that in his work truck, he had a box of rubber surgical gloves and he would put them on to eat his Flamin' Hot Cheetos while he drove because his fingers were perpetually orange. You'll love the movie. There's a beat about that, but it's so good. You won the South by Southwest Audience Award. That's so great.

And we won a lot of things. Yeah. And it's described as very Rocky-esque story. It is. And also tonally, you'll get it because it was hard to nail this tone. I didn't want to do a movie about the Flaming Hot Cheeto. That does not interest me. I don't think it's going to interest anybody else, but I want to do a story about this guy. This man is so interesting. So I knew it had a lot of heart, but it's super funny. It's comedy with heart. So tonally, it's its own animal, but he was around, came a couple of times. His grandkids are in the movie. Towards the end, we were shooting the ending scene where there's this applauding happening at the factory. And he was behind the monitors. Him and Judy were back there

and he just has his head down and he's crying. And Judy's rubbing his back. And I was like, are you okay? Is he okay? And she goes, this part never happened. And that's what he was crying about. Oh, he didn't get that. Nobody ever said thank you. And I said, well, this is the ending he deserves. So he loves the film and it's a love story also. In the heart of the movie is a love story

between him and Judy who grew up together. They were dealing drugs so young and her house was like the drug house. That's where people go. Money would be exchanged.

And then I remember sitting too with him early on when we were writing the script and I said, so tell me, why did you choose to be in a gang and he looked at me like I had two heads right like a choice was made when you got to the fork in the road right said uni this way yeah choose this life it's like survival if you're not with it you're dead yeah and i was like that was a dumb question next one and how did you get so handsome yeah let's get this back on a positive oh my god i was like yeah so it is about that we humanized

a lot of issues that my community faces mexican americanism and with stereotypes and we push back on those in the film yeah that's really cool there's not the wave of support to recognize Latinos that there is with other groups. There's not. In fact, there was a study where they did the movies from 2003 to 17, something like that, the top movies. And there's been almost zero growth. Zero growth in what we're making. Representation. And representation.

Huge growth in market. In population and market. We're the biggest movie going audience by far. We're like 29% of ticket buyers. No shit. Yeah. So we way over index. Isn't that so crazy? The black audience is also very, very movie going and we've known that forever. So you have these two groups of people that love going to the movies and they get served the least amount of movies. Yeah. They don't see themselves reflected back on screen for sure. And not only that, it's not about putting a Latino in a movie.

It's not about putting a Latino in Marvel. It should be stories from our perspective. Yes. Stories told by us and not for us, but by us for everyone. Yes. You know? And that's what Flaming Hot is. Hip hop is their story.

But guess what? We all love it. Not only do we love it, we need it. We actually need it as a society to understand what's going on around us and other cultures. Otherwise, we're just in our bubbles. Yeah. Well, and that's the thing about representation is when people see us on screen, it educates them about our community. Oh, that's how they are. And if all they see is negative portrayals and they're going to be like, oh, those people are dangerous. But more importantly,

it teaches our own community about us. That's the dangerous part is if we only see ourselves as a narco or as a drug dealer on screen, we're like, okay, so that's all I can be. Yeah. It's almost like the choice that he's saying I didn't have.

Yeah. Likewise, I've talked about this a bunch with Peña. Peña's like, he played drug dealer number eight, then he made it up to drug dealer number seven and his eight, then he made it to drug dealer number seven, and his whole career was hoping to get to drug dealer number one or kingpin, right? That's a reality for him in 95 coming to this city to act. That was what the trajectory was if you were lucky. Yeah.

Did you meet Michael on the movie? Seems like you guys would have so much in common. I had met him once or twice around. I remember, though, I basically asked him to go to lunch with me. And I told him I'm making this movie. And I told him I pitched it with him already attached, which is true. I knew he had to be Ponch from the get. And then I just had to woo him.

Like, I had to really win him over. So you had directed 13 episodes of television at the point you did the feature. Did that make you feel super point you did the feature. Did that make you feel super confident going into the feature? Or do you feel like it was its own new animal? No, no. Especially the ambitious schedule we had on Flaming Hot. Thank God I was a TV director.

How many days did you have? 30. You gotta go. 108 sets. I don't know how many locations. It's all locations. We only did locations. And so the speed in which we shot,

I don't think anybody who's like, I'm a film director. Where's second unit? It was like, second unit. This is it. This is the unit. There's a unit. You're talking to the unit. And so I do well too under pressure and scrappiness. Like you got two walls, the sun's going down. We got one camera and we only have this much left on the card and go. You're like, great. I want to figure it out. I love that. And I think it produces magic. Okay. I wonder if you have this, which is if I'm somewhere as an actor, I want to get out of there. Yep. If I'm there as a director, I wish the day had 45 hours. Oh no, I'm the same. I want to go home. And you still want to go home as a director too. Now look, I'm not one that does a trillion takes, but I love doing this shit and I want

at a scene. I'm so energized by directing. I'm not super energized by acting. I guess that's my question. Definitely energized as directing. And I want to cover things that I need an insert and I need to get this real quick. Cause I know the edit in my head. I really see it. I'm not one of like, let's figure it out in the edit. I know what I need. I know what I don't. That's why I'm quick to get out is because I'm like, we don't need that. Yes, this will never make the edit. Should you get outside and maybe an exterior? Nope, I'm not going to use it. I don't want to be out there.

Emotionally, I don't want to be outside of this house. So why would I shoot outside of this house? And once in a while, because I do rule my sets with best idea wins. So I'm not like, no, if somebody says, what about this or that? And if it goes to my vision, I'm like, great idea. Let's shoot it. Let's do that. But for the most part, I know what I need and I know what I don't.

You're not very indulgent in a great way. Yes, which I feel like a lot of these films today, these directors. Yes, I know. You're watching like a 46 second crane shot and you're like, this stopped being interesting 25 seconds ago, but you are in love with this shot and you're like this stopped being interesting 25 seconds ago But you are in love with this shot and we got to see the whole thing Also, what I think is great about directing is it's almost an endless Game where there's a problem every 15 minutes and you get to solve it

So like if you're a decisive person who loves making decisions and I love that In fact, it's more fun when you find out I want to do these nine things We're only gonna get to do four. I gotta prioritize right now. I like even that part. I love that. In fact, it's more fun when you find out, oh, I wanted to do these nine things. We're only gonna get to do four. I gotta prioritize right now. I like even that part. I love that part. The first couple of times I was directing, I was like, Jesus, if one more person

comes and asks me a question. Like I was exhausted by people. And then a director's like, literally that is your job. To be asked questions. To be asked questions and decide. Finally, I did their like tea cup or mug mug. I don't need to discuss this. Red or blue?

Saucer or tea plate? Don't bring me that. But with Fleeming Hot, my entire crew that was with me, they were like, you're the most decisive director. All of them. My sound guy. Everybody was like, wow, you really know what you want. And I said, I do. And I don't know if I'll have that clarity on every movie.

Right. It was this particular movie that I knew that was no and this is yes. And if I didn't know it, I am so comfortable with let's have 12 brains on this. There's a shot in the movie of a time lapse. And we couldn't figure it out in the sense of like, I don't want it to be 10 years later in a chyron. I want to see those 10 years. I want to see this happen. I want to use these kind of. I want to see this happen. I want to use

these kind of graphics. What is that camera move? And we would all just sit and think, and my DP would show me things. And then his DP group would send us things. I was like, no, that's not it. I knew what it wasn't. Like in my head, I was like, that's not it. He would show me something. Or he goes, what about if we did this lens? I go, put it on. I need to see. I don't abstractly know what you're talking about, but show me. Shoot that thing right there and show me what you're going to do. And he would do it. And I go, no, no it's not that and then finally we land and i love it film critics who watch the thing they're like that time lapse and i go right we worked so hard on it yeah so what are you gonna direct next i don't know i'm reading now you are i'm reading everything

but you must get this too people go what was the hardest thing for you becoming actor director? Was it like, you're so pretty or you're a woman or, you know, what was my obstacle? And I was like that I'm a dumb actor because I think everybody goes, well, all actors can direct. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. A lot of people aren't in a great way. Some of the best actors I've ever seen, they're not interested at all in how the sausage is being made. I'm just insanely curious. I'm like, what's that machine do? Me too. What's a 17 versus a 35?

I feel safer if I know how everything works maybe. Me too. I'm super curious. I was curious when I was an extra. When I was on set an extra, I go, what's checking the gate? What does that mean? Oh, well, you know, the film. And I go, what is it?

And they're like, can somebody take this extra back to holding? Give them a film one-on-one class real quick. We need to cross meet. I want to do it. They go, oh, could you come closer? I go, why? What does that do? If I get closer to you, what does that do?

None of your business. Just get closer. Should I hook up you extra? Yeah. You're so extra, extra. That was the annoying extra. But I did use Desperate Outdoors as my film school. And that, I was able to really learn lenses and learn lighting.

And Mark Cherry was my mentor in comedy and comedy directing. And he goes, don't move on the joke. Say the joke and go. Or go and say the joke, but don't say the joke on the move. He had all these rules that I've carried with me. A lot of people who watch the movie go, I totally see Desperate Eyes in your film. And I was like, really? Which is the greatest compliment ever.

Well, Eva, I loved you. You loved me then. 18 years ago, 17 years ago, and I love you today. You're so fun. Thank you. Very fun. Thank you, guys. I can very much see you as a director.

It's very obvious what you're doing. I feel very safe in your hands. Like you said, the clarity and the decisiveness is great. That's all you really want. Someone who's just like, oh, let's try. It's like, oh, my God, will I ever leave? Yeah. It's scary.

I feel that way with photographers, too, when I have to go do a photo shoot. And they're like, I don't know if we have it. I was like, you don't. You don't know. You don't know yet? We had it for the first five clicks. It's like, click, click, click. That one felt great.

That one feels great. Should we do it again? But maybe this time smirk instead of smut? Oh. Maybe? And I'm like, I think you got it. I don't like anybody that's not secure in their craft yeah yeah agree photo shoots are my number one most hated thing of the entire experience

yeah of show business and it's so bad that I now start them by saying to everyone I'm sorry you're gonna see me at my worst I'm insecure I don't want to be in any photos and so to do hundreds of them it's just gonna bring out my worst and i just am apologizing ahead of time i don't know what else to do i can't get myself to enjoy it i remember tom cruise was on the cover of something and it was like water and rain and his hair and he looked great yeah and somebody goes that was one shot he goes pour the water and they go and they go click and it was like cover gq oh right like i was like that is amazing that photo is amazing they go it was one shot or something like that. And I said, yeah, why would a guy stand there going, pour more water? You can't make my hair move in a different way with more fans.

Where me, I'm like, hang on, do it again. Do it again. Because my arms are better like this. Okay. Do it again. Do it again. But I can't imagine it for guys, but photos in particular, not my favorite either. Now I know why people go, they're such divas, they're requesting their own photographer. I'm like, yeah, because he'll get it in four minutes. It's between an hour and four hours. Yeah. Yeah. That's a big difference. It's a big difference in my life. And when the world is picking apart the picture and we'll post stuff and say stuff. Yeah. You want to trust you. Yeah. Yeah. But Tony Shalhoub's in my film. You're going to love him. Was it so fun to direct him yeah but he was completely that he trusted me

completely and I'd never met him before spoke to him on the phone a couple times he came in the last three days because he has not a lot to shoot and he had hard stuff to do you'll see in the movie funny stuff but he did the scene and we're laughing behind the camera. And I come out and he goes, how was it? I go, it was great. And he goes, what am I saying? And I was laughing because I was like, he just said what he said in Spanish because he trusted me. I trust this is going to be good. And it's the two best scenes of the movie are these scenes he did. And just his complete trust, it melted it melted my heart i was like i can't believe you trust me yeah you just nailed exactly what it is the amount of gratitude as a director you have when you have something and they go beyond what you had ever

dreamed of and then you throw things at them and then they're making that better than what's in your head the gratitude you have and then also knowing they're fucking trusting me i'm yelling out to this person say blah blah, blah, blah. That's crazy. And when they do it, there's something very special about the trust. But I feel that about the prop guy. Like he brought me two different props and one was just so funny that I had never thought of. And I go, you made that so much better.

People love being validated and applauded. And I felt like that with my production designers. I go, I don't know what it is, but it needs to feel like this. And they go, oh, this. I go, yeah. Or the camera, I go, I need to go zoop. And then it stops on the line. So what is the zoop lens? And they go, oh, you want to hide the zoom and the push? Sure. Let's do that. Yeah. Sounds great. Sounds amazing. Show it to me.

The whole filmmaking process is trust. It's like a whole big trust fall. Yes. You wonder how these directors who are monsters, but they get great movies. It's kind of disheartening to me. Every time I hear one of these stories about like a miserable experience and then it was great. I'm like, I don't have it in me to make it miserable. I know.

I agree. Or I think that with actors, when bad behavior is rewarded, they just keep getting bigger and bigger as a star. And I'm like, should I be an asshole? You know what happens? We've seen it. It works until it doesn't, until you have your failure, which we all have. It's impossible to navigate this without having failures. You don't get a second chance. That's the only justice that kind of exists in our world, which is these people who are infamously assholes. As soon as they're on a downward slope, there's no goodwill. They don't ever come back. Yeah. It kind of catches up with you unless you are magic and you never have a failure,

which seems impossible. Yeah. Your kindness will carry you through those bad times. Yeah. Thanks for having me. Oh my God. It was a really, really fun. It almost makes me sad that I haven't seen you in between. I know. It makes me sad that we're not friends. I know. Me too. And you have children. Well, let's exchange numbers and we'll be friends. And I'll blow you up.

Yeah. And I'm going to send you those great pictures of myself. I'm going to cut myself out of them and then send them to you. Stick around for the fact check. Because they're human, they make lots of mistakes. Get in here. Hi, in here. Hi. Hi.

Hi. How was your Thanksgiving? Great. It was. Did you get all the meals cooked in time? I did, but I had a big panic. Oh, tell me. A lot of panic.

I know. I got home at four was the cook time to start. Uh-huh. And that's for an eight o'clock eating. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Because the turkey had to cook for three hours and I had to bump the time up

for the stuffing to go in. Right. And the mashed potatoes. The potato baked. Potatoes. Potatoes. Potatoes. And, you know,

I had watched this Thanksgiving special so many times. Mm-hmm. And- How many times is so many times? A lot. Okay. Three?

Yeah, I mean, I also had to rewatch parts. You're ducking in and out of it for certain areas. Yeah. Allison had said on the video multiple times, I think, the turkey cooks for three hours. Mm-hmm. You take the foil off for the last hour. Okay, get that crispy skin on top. Yeah.

But I thought she meant the last hour of the three. But she meant- Three covered, one uncovered. Yes. Oh. So when I got home and I was reading the recipe, I panicked. Right. I was like, what are we going to do?

Eat at nine? Yeah. With adding another hour? I can't. No. So I didn't know what to do. And then luckily, I have her phone number. Oh, wow.

I know. What a hack. What a hack. It's so lucky. It's so special and lucky. So you gave her, you shouted I said help! okay, you gave her a help yeah

and I said I hate myself for bothering you but I am so scared right now like she's a doctor yeah help I know I should have made an appointment but I'm really struggling and what did she have to say?

she helped me out what'd she say? knock up the heat a little bit? yep, she said I could bump the heat a little bit? Yep. She said I could bump the heat. And then she asked how big the turkey was. And I said, well, I did quarters because that's her recipe. And she was like, oh, you did quarters.

Okay. Actually, it's okay. You won't need that extra hour. Oh, wonderful. And she told me exactly what to do and then add the stuffing at this time. Then you take it out. And it's just really helpful. Thank God. Thank you, Allison. Thank you, it out. And it's just really helpful. Thank God.

Thank you, Alison. Thank you, Alison. Congratulations on getting married. Just found this out. So exciting. Finally did it.

She did it. Um, I just met a girl for coffee and. Oh my God. You've already been on an errand. Yeah. What on earth? I know.

And what was it for? Um, another date? no sally knows her it was just like a connection thing she wanted to ask me some questions but really we just chatted she was really sweet but the uh she knows allison's husband ding ding ding congratulations i know what's the husband do? I don't know. Oh, wow. Knows her, though. Knows her. He has friends. It was just a sim moment.

Yeah, I'll say. Ding, ding, ding, duck, duck, goose. I like that. Do you think you guys are going on a second date? I have so many second dates. I know. It's getting hard to schedule. It's getting impacted.

It's an impacted major. You're an impacted major. It's so interesting doing this. Doing dating? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Doing dating is weird.

And especially- That'd be a good show for somebody. Doing dating. You can have that, yeah. Doing dating. No, you can't have it. Okay, it's ours. We'll see you. Yeah.

We're gonna cease and desist. We're keeping it for now. Yeah. Until it gets dusty. then you can have it are your evenings mixed with texting back and forth with two different people and then trying to keep it straight no no no no it's not that it's more that it's really hard to not compare yes of course and the comparisons. Make both persons go down? Well, this girl that I was just having this breakfast with, she was asking me how I felt about doing that.

And she said she personally doesn't like it because she feels like together they're one person. Of course, yes. Together it's perfect. Together, they're one person. Of course, yes. Together, it's perfect, but. Well, also like someone inevitably has a quality you really like. Yeah.

And you're aware of that the other person doesn't have that. Whereas you wouldn't be aware of that. You would just kind of be into whatever quality you liked of theirs. Exactly. Wild ride. How many days did you go on with Kristen before you decided you were going to be exclusive with her? Well, this is well known, but it accelerated a little faster than I was comfortable with because I was seeing other person. Not other people, but other person.

Other row makers. And it was virtually at the same time that I met both. Yeah. And then I didn't not pick Kristen. It just had gotten to a point where I could tell she thought we were exclusive. Right. To which I had to say, like, I'm not at the same spot. Yeah. That was.

Yeah. How many dates in? Well, that was probably two months into. But you guys hung out a lot. A lot. Yeah. A couple days a week. How are you doing that?

How are you doing a couple days a week and then how many days with the row? A couple days. Wow, you're busy. See, I don't have that kind of time. I'm trying to think. Yeah, I was unemployed. Yeah. I was promoting a movie.

Baby Mama was about to come out. Right. That's it. I had a lot of time. like you'd have like a lunch Would you have like a lunch with one And a dinner with another? I don't I don't think like that

Breakfast and dinner? Oh jeez I'm curious Dinner with one And breakfast with a different one What if you had to leave What if you guys had sex And then you slept over

And then you left To go to breakfast with the other? Oh, yeah, yeah. You did that? No, I'm not saying I did. 16 years ago. I can't actually truly recall. Why?

Anywho. Wait, so you went on lots of dates with both before you made that decision? Or you're saying— Well, what's interesting is it would appear that I had picked one over the other, but I didn't. I just felt really unethical about acting like I was exclusive. And I say, I'm not there.

Yeah, you said that. And I feel like we probably need to slow down, which was in essence a breakup. Yeah. But it's not because I was like, oh, now I'm, you know, I've chosen. It's just this person doesn't feel like they're there. I have no ethical dilemma about this one person, this other person I have.

Kristen, you felt like was all in and you weren't. And so you had to tell her. It was just really quick. Yeah. And you had to tell her. And I had just gotten out of a very intense, too intense relationship. And then so it just escalated kind of quicker than I was anticipating. Yeah.

How'd you end up back there? Now that it was basically like, it feels like I've picked this person. I was like, this isn't my pick. And then you couldn't stop thinking about Kristen. Yeah, I saw a picture of her somewhere doing something silly. She's doing something very silly. I can't remember the exact photo, but some, some very Kristen photo that was on the front of a magazine while I was in New York buying dip. And, um, I was like, oh yeah, that looks fun. Oh, that's fun. Oh, yeah, it's stressful dating multiple people in a way.

Okay, so the dinner was made. The dinner was made. It was delicious. And it was really good. It was a full Thanksgiving. And did your guests laugh and have merriment and fellowship? They did. Yeah.

They did. Did you guys give thanks or anything? Yeah, we gave thanks. You did. It was really nice. What did. It was. Did anyone, did you guys give thanks or anything? Yeah, we gave thanks. You did. It was really nice. What else? Just, it was just lovely. I mean, trying to think if there were any major highlights other than.

The merriment. Merriment. Yeah. And tasty food. And the fellowship. And the fellowship. And the giving thanks. And the gustatory explosions.

Yeah. It was, it was fun. It was good. Okay. Update on couples therapy. So I finished last night. The whole thing or season three? Season three. Yeah. It was fun. It was good. Okay. Update on couples therapy. So I finished last night. The whole thing or season three? Season three.

Okay. By the way, thought I want to run by you. But first of all, what a great season. And you're right. The guy that I couldn't stand had some really nice moments. Yeah. And it was a reminder like if you, oh God, if you can just find ultimate patience. I know.

Yeah. It's encouraging to stay optimistic about people. Yes. It's really hard to. That's what I, that's the main takeaway. There's other people that I have a lot of tolerance for their particular ism. His is very stepdad. There is some guests, you know, for me, it was very like, fuck this guy. Yeah.

But I ended up finding him very sweet. Well, knowing why someone is the way they are just at least provides compassion. It doesn't mean they should be a fucking gaslighter like he was. Right. Or that you can't have boundaries. Yeah. Yes. But it's still just like, oh, people are not picking this.

And you were right. The guy didn't like her advisor. Yeah. He got me back a little bit and she kind of acknowledged some stuff. You were just being protective of Orna. I was. I was. I love Orna.

I don't like anyone telling her she's not doing a perfect job because she is perfect. She never brushes her hair and you love it. She never brushes her hair. I love it. Okay. What were you going to say? I don't know how this works out, but obviously there's that really profound moment about the Israeli-Palestine conflict. Yeah.

And so then I started wondering, like, what happened? Why are there two seasons in one? Yeah. And is it that they had recorded that? They're sitting on it. They're planning on releasing it down the road. But then Hamas attacks. And they're like,

oh, we got to get this out right now so people know this all happened before. But how? I don't know what the timeline of when they dropped season three with all these I looked it up what is it? May the last one came out May 26

I mean there's always there's always conflict but that was a really profoundly beautiful moment between all of them yeah so in the third season second half there's a couple, a lesbian couple, and one of the girls is, and they're young. One of the girls is from the West Bank.

Yeah. And her family had to flee because of bombings, and Orna is Israeli. Yeah. So at the very beginning of the season they they lightly yeah they lightly acknowledge it yes but there's not really too much of a deep dive but then by the end of the season which is i guess 10 weeks later or something it seems they do 10 sessions or whatever yeah there had been some bombing in the West Bank. Yeah. And so the Palestinian girl was very, very upset.

Yeah. And then feeling what was so human about it is it's not that her feelings were in question about Orna. It's that she felt like she might be betraying all the people she loves and that love her by even being friends with her. Yeah. And by trusting her. Yes. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's such an interesting pressure. Yeah.

That both people are feeling, am I betraying? It even happened when Chad came in, Chad Sanders, and he was like, I'm nervous to get along with you because I don't want to seem like, you know. I'm like hanging out with, I'm on the white guy team. Yeah, yeah, yes, and pandering to this white dude. He's like, it's weird. It's like it's almost scary to get along with you so well. Yeah. Yeah, I get that.

It's like yet another layer of the sadness of marginalized groups, which is you're not just suffering from the oppression of the hegemonic group. There's also all these bizarre internal pressures of purity and loyalty that I imagine, I wouldn't know personally, but I imagine you can end up feeling lonelier than anyone in that your group seems to not approve of you and the oppressor doesn't approve. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. It's heartbreaking. Anyway, okay, that couple, the Palestinian girl and her girlfriend, are one of my favorites of the whole series. A thousand percent. I love them. A thousand percent. I almost wish for them, I'm like, guys, just be together.

But I also recognize. And I think this happens a lot with people. They should have just met 10 years later. Yeah. If they just met 10 years later. I know. It would totally have worked. They're so young and it's just too soon for either of them to.

You're right and the sad truth about life is you can love someone profoundly and deeply and not and not be the right match it's like the hardest pill to swallow yeah but it's real yeah and that's what i And they get along so well. They love each other so much. I know. It's beautiful. Yeah. I opened my computer for facts, but I don't have any. Oh, fun.

Because we recorded it yesterday afternoon, and I don't have it yet. Well, we can just reflect on how fun she was. So fun. She's so great, isn't she? Yeah, that was lovely. I was saying how much i enjoyed having her at dinner and kristen told this great story about being somewhere like with sag and the president of sag yeah it was a time's up meeting okay were you there i wonder if you remember it

the same way as her but someone's starting to make some lofty opening ceremony statement that was gonna go on and she said that uh um eva just went okay we all got to get home to our kids so what were we saying and what are we not saying and what is blah blah blah yeah just kind of fuck all this pleasantry stuff yeah let's get on with the real shit i don't remember it personally but i make sense feels very yeah yeah i love that very efficient uh-huh love it surprise you sound a capricorn to me she presents as a Capricorn. I don't even believe in it. What is she? She's March 15th.

Pisces. Pisces. What is a Pisces? Pisces are- And is Delta Pisces? No. Well, she's March 27th. That's seven.

You mean Lincoln. Lincoln. I'm sorry. Oh. Yeah, what's that? Oh my God. Oh my God. It looked up Lincoln.

Oh my God. It looked up Lincoln. Resend nude picture to Bryce. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It looked up Lincoln. Resend nude picture to Bryce. Lincoln is an Aries.

She's an Aries. Okay. So tell me about Pisces. Can you read me a description? Liz is a Pisces. Oh, Pisces. And she's a quintessential Pisces. Apex Pisces? Yes.

Let's look at CoStar. Okay. Because I love CoStar. That's your trusted source. Yeah. Pisces traits. Somehow both five and 50 years old at once. Okay.

Yeah, that makes sense. She's playful, but wise. Yeah. Thinks everything is a sign. Can't remember if they dreamt it or it actually happened. Oh, is that Liz? Liz is all of these. Yeah, she's apex Pisces.

Excessively romantic. Oh. Prone to fantasy. Oh. No boundaries. Oh, let's party. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow.

Rihanna is a Pisces. Sure. Rihanna. That seems obvious now that I know the description. Oh, should I read best careers? Sure. Volunteer therapist. Why volunteer therapist?

Because they shouldn't get paid. Curbside fortune teller. Oh, my goodness. Okay, see, these are like gurus. Amateur poet, sad clown, orb of light, vapor. Vapor? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Okay. And Lincoln. Oh, Pescar, Pisces. Oh, yeah. Let's hear the description of Aries. down orb of light vapor vapor yeah oh wow okay and um oh pescar pescar pisces oh yeah okay aries i think this matches up okay oh my god they told me this story by the way they went to the park yesterday the hansen girls and the shepherd girls with ryan and there was like a gaggle i guess of like five seven-year-old boys and they like came up and they were yelling when they're like and they overheard him one of the boys is like let's get these monkeys and cut their dicks off oh my god seven years old and one of the seven-year-olds called one of them the n word and then they all scattered around then they went and sat on a bench and the four girls went

over as a team, like linked arms, and went over and was like, stop saying those things. We're not going to let you guys play if you're going to talk like that. They totally confronted them as a team. And then one of the little boys was like,

your daughter's threatening to chase me or something. And Ryan goes, yeah, but were you saying mean words? And he goes, yeah, but. He couldn't lie. But anyways, then Ryan went over. I was proud of Ryan. He went over to the parents and said, I would want to know if my kid said this. I want you to know your kid just said this.

Ryan, to me, is a impeccable parent. Yeah, valiant. He's really good. Yes. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Aries. The symbol is a ram.

The traits are no filter. Gets angry, then forgets why they were angry. Thinks everything is a game they can win will do anything on a dare and easily bored only two of those sound familiar she certainly doesn't have the first few yeah best career stunt double which is perfect. Part-time punk. Oh. Pro wrestler. Yes. Petty thief. And cereal box mascot.

Oh, wow. These are fun. These are playful. Let's find yours. Okay. Let's find yours. Let's find yours. Let's do yours.

No, let's do yours. This kind of works because she likes astrology, she said. Yeah, exactly. We talked about it for a second. Also, you just said, I'm surprised she's not a Capricorn, which means you're starting to embody it more. Yeah, you know what it was? She felt very direct. Yeah.

But I'm saying you are starting to embody that it's a thing. Well, certainly. You know who I feel it a lot with is Erica. Yeah. I think like Erica and I have a very similar vibe. And I think it's why Charlie likes me so much is it feels very kind of similar. Interesting. I think.

I mean, who knows? Maybe he likes me because I'm also tall. It could be anything. Yeah. Maybe he doesn't like me too. That's also an option. Okay. Okay.

Capricorn, the sea goat. Ooh. A sea goat. That's a simple. That's a damp, wet goat. No one wants a wet goat. Okay. Ready? Yeah. No one wants a wet goat. Okay, ready? Yeah.

Full-grown adult since age six. The responsible friend. Motivated by duty. Takes a while to warm up to people. That's not you. Represses any emotion that gets in the way of success. Yeah. These are good.

These are spot on. Michelle Obama. And I would say, I would say back to the, of success. Yeah. These are good. These are spot on. Michelle Obama. And I would say, back to the, with men, yeah, like you know me, I don't want new people at my house.

I don't like new people. But you are friendly. I come to embrace them. Yes, yes. There's like realms in which I'm fine with it, but in my house, I really don't like it. Yeah.

I get over it, but like just, when any really don't like it. I get over it, but like just when any dude walks in the house that I don't know, I immediately am like, I don't want him here. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. Okay. Best careers, accountant, lawyer, landlord. No. Sisyphus. Oh, wow. Sisyphus. An Sisyphus An elementary school Hall monitor Oh sure Sheriff AKA sheriff

Yeah Okay let's do mine Let's do yours Leo Nope Libra Virgo Virgo

Double Virgo Double V I'm a double V MCL I'm an extra V I have an extra V Okay Symbol

The virgin Oh wow I'm on the cusp of that Hold on No that's That's the symbol Okay Okay ready

Needs to feel useful Has a quick fix for everything Judgmental but with good intentions Exceptional spatial awareness. That is not me. A million ideas per second. Oh. Okay.

Do you have a million ideas per second? I mean. Do you have a million thoughts per second? I have a million thoughts and there's a lot of ideas in there. Yeah. Mixed in. Okay, best careers. Hot librarian.

Oh, for the virgin, no less. Tupperware for other people's messes. Walking encyclopedia. Human GPS. Not me. One person welcome committee. What does that mean, one person welcome committee? I think it means host.

Oh, one person welcome committee. Like a welcome committee normally is multiple people. I'm not even sure I know what a welcome committee is. When would? It's like at an event or something. They're the welcomers. Oh, okay. So you're a one person welcomer.

Yeah. I guess that means you're very inclusive. It means, no, I think it's like host, but you don't want other people helping. Oh, right. One man show. Yeah. All the credit. Yeah.

Okay. Well, all the duties. Yeah. And all the credit. I like all the credit. You notice when I am cooking and people go, can I help? And I'm like, of course not. Yeah, you never like that.

And I'm going to do the dishes and I'm going to do, you know, it's got to be the whole soup to nuts thing. Oh, there's a whole thing. Oh, like a book? Yeah. Oh my gosh. Read us a book. Okay. Should I read the book on what is the personality of a Virgo?

I mean, we kind of did that, but this is more intense. Now I want to go back and read the book on Capricorn. What makes Virgos happy? No, I'm sick with you. Okay. It feels braggy when you read it about yourself. Oh, does it? Okay, what type of person is a Virgo?

Virgos are generally very modest. They want to feel acknowledged for their contributions, but they don't need grandiose gestures of appreciation to feel valuable. They are little geniuses. They notice the details. Virgo knows when their toothbrush has been moved even a centimeter. Virgos are insecure about the fact that they're not perfect. They're aware that their actions have consequences, but that they can at times be responsible for their own suffering. This is why you'll often hear them saying things like, it's my fault and I did this to myself.

Virgos are the literal embodiment of the medieval philosopher who lives in a sterile cell, never opening the door for fear that people will catch a glimpse of the mess inside. Their motto is, quote, in order to save myself from myself, I must first destroy myself. What they want is a pure, clean existence. They need to be the best to feel worthy

of their existence. They can be so obsessed with their own image of perfection that they lose touch with their true impulses. They repress their feelings by locking them away in order to achieve a state of impassivity. They can come off as far more rational than they really are. Their feelings are generally a great mystery to them. They feel so many things so deeply, but they usually don't know how to talk about it. The only way they can express the ineffable is through dry sarcasm. Oh.

Some parts are real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, hold on. Can I read your book? Yeah, yeah. This was the point that my astronomy teacher made. You remember this great story where he invited an astronomer and he gave readings and the things got handed out in the wrong order.

No. And everyone read them. Yeah, this is. Oh, right. And then the person was like, wait, wait, no, you were supposed to. And then everyone shuffled them down. And then everyone was like, yeah, this is me. That's such a good.

There is something to be said of like any list of adjectives. You'll try to connect. I know. You'll think of like, you can think of 10 examples of when you were like that, which is not to say it's the prevailing mode of opera. I think it is though. It is. When I look at everyone's, I do think I'm mostly that and I'm doubles. Triple V.

Okay. I'm going to read yours. Okay. Capricorns are masters of discipline the ringing of the hands the constant reminders the exacting structure the ever-increasing goals the tidal wave of self-criticism that lasts forever they are the ultimate perfectionist they already they said that about virgos too they can be so absorbed in their own internal monologue that it becomes impossible to get them to look away from themselves. Capricorns are often called-

Narcissists. Are often called narcissists. Are often from narcissists. They're called workaholics, it says. They're incredibly pragmatic. Capricorns are rule followers with a highly developed moral compass. How dare you? I just reject the mores of my culture.

From a young age, it is impressed upon them that their whole sense of worth and meaning is based on their ability to hunker down and force their way to the finish line. Their drive to succeed is a reflection of their fear of failure. The most stressful time in a Capricorn's life is when they question their own authority. That's very true. But is that true for everyone? No. No, you can't relate to that? No.

When a Capricorn is in a position of power, they're most stable. When they're put in a position where they have to cater to someone else's agenda. Oh, dude, it's like straight out of my mouth. Wait. When they're put in a position where they have to cater to someone else's agenda,

they can become a little unhinged. Yeah, slash violent. Capricorns collect responsibility, and they always seem to take it all on. Capricorns need to be the one to fix everything. Responsibility is their natural state. They have a, quote, can-do attitude. Capricorns are both the martyrs and the champions. They are the guardians and the judges.

The team captains, the chief of chiefs, the general, the leader. But as they lead the charge, Capricorns can feel like the loneliest people in the world. They wish to be completely self-sufficient because they are so scared of depending on others. It's pretty good. That one's really

pretty solid. There's only a couple in there. Rule followers. No, that's not you. That one's really pretty solid. There's only a couple in there. Rule followers. No, that's not you. I think those are contradictory. I don't think you can be a leader and a rule follower. Yes. You can? I am.

Oh, okay. Don't you think? I'm a rule follower. Yeah, I don't know why I'm saying that, but it does seem that you have to break the rules to get anywhere. That's a Capricorn mindset. I don't believe that. You don't believe that?

Mm-mm. Yeah. I mean can you have to look outside the box but that's not breaking the rules right like that's being unconventional is not breaking the rules well the example i would give is like directing hit and run and 7 000 people telling me you don't have enough money to shoot all these action sequences. Yeah. And then me just going, no, I know how I shoot. I've made a lot of stuff at this point. I've made a lot of shorts and I know how to move it. And I'm with a crew that knows that. And just rejecting the commonly held belief, which I would say is a rule in a sense.

I don't think that's a rule. They'll say like, you need three days for this action sequence. Like we broke it down this way and this is the formula. And there's even programs within Final Draft that you can. And I'm like, I know, but no, I know I'm going to, I say, no, I can do that. That can be done. Right. That's different though.

That's different, though. That's different. A rule breaker would be you have three days and then you say no or okay and then you take six days. Like there's a rule in place that you have to do this and then you just don't. Right. Well, part of me being able to do it was that I did break a lot of rules. Like I shot on roads we didn't own. I did a lot of tricky stuff. Yeah, that's breaking. But in order to execute this thing I knew could be done or I believed could be done,

I didn't know until I found out. Yeah, I mean, you run red lights and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. If no one's around. I don't do that. Because again, I recognize the spirit of the law. Safety.

Well. I don't do that. Because again, I recognize the spirit of the law. Safety. Well, look. You know, as much as I don't believe in astrology, I sure love it. I love it too. Yeah, yeah. Let me look at the app real quick. Okay. Just to see what today has to do. We have to go.

We have to go now. We spent most of this episode talking about stuff we had to cut. Yeah. Or most of this fact check anyway. Okay. This was from October 14th. PSAs. For you.

Why so far back? That's the last one they posted. That's a month away. Over a month ago. Oh my God. I hope they're... Did they die? I hope not.

Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I haven't learned. I'm able to Okay ready PSA October 14th For you

Going back to the same person Will create the same dynamic Mine You can't fix anyone It's so Dead on It's crazy It's crazy.

It's, they're listening. Yeah. Yeah. I always look at Kristen's too, cancer is you're allowed to say no. Oh, wow.

That's, that's great. Okay. Ready? Another one. This is from October 11th. Gets mad at you and. Wait, this is Kristen? No, you.

Oh, this is me. No, this is the heading, right? Oh, okay. Gets mad at you and, for you, tells you to go fuck yourself in a chilling monotone. Oh, my God. Definitely watching.

Oh, boy. Mine is, gets mad at you and puts together a PowerPoint about how you hurt them. Kristen, gets mad at you and communicates exclusively via cabinet slamming. Wow. Okay. That's good. Yeah.

Okay, one more. Yeah. Okay, October 9th. Existential questions. You. Okay, October 9th. Existential questions. You.

Do I self-sabotage because trying and failing to get what I want would be more painful? Do I self-sabotage because trying to get what I want would be more painful? Trying and failing. Oh, trying and failing. I don't think I'm a self-sabotager. Do you? Well, I mean, I'm a self-destructor. It's the same thing.

But again, this is kind of what I'm saying about it. It's like, if I focus just on addiction, well, duh. Yeah. But if I focus on the rest of my life, the rest of my life is pretty well run. For sure. Yeah. But sometimes when it's all going great.

It's time to. It's time to fuck it up a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I would call self-sabotage. Yeah. Mine, existential questions. What if there's no, quote, best performance prize at the end of it all? Oh, yeah.

And hers, is holding grudges my way of keeping past relationships alive in my head? I don't think that's very accurate to her, actually. She's not a grudger. Mm-mm. Okay. This one is like cool, okay? Okay. This is a picture with some stuff around it. Okay.

For you. Capricorn. Gluten-free. It says Capricorn GF. I don't know what that means. Wakes you up at 7 to make sure you get the most out of your day. Makes you change outfits if you don't look put together. That's not you.

Dislikes most people except for you. Has an airtight 20-year plan. Keeps a standing appointment for you in their Google calendar, writes a list of expectations and makes you sign it like a contract. I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed. Oh, wow.

Promises one day you won't have to work. Huh. Okay, mine, Virgo gluten-free, is, has learned to love your flaws but still can't help. What's the heading? Virgo GF. Oh, we don't know what GF means.

No. Girlfriend? Oh. Oh, Virgo girlfriend. Oh, maybe. Maybe. Okay, so let's hear it now that I understand that. But that's very gendered.

Well, I think only women are reading astrology charts. No, you love it. Okay. Wouldn't you guess, though, that interest in astrology is so over-indexed with females? Probably, yeah. Because men are too afraid to look inward. Well, no, it's in keeping with our reduced emotional intelligence.

That's what I'm saying. Everything is pragmatic. Everything. Yeah. Yeah. Okay saying. Like everything is pragmatic. Everything. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Virgo gluten-free. Has learned to love your flaws but still can't help pointing them out. Keeps a toothbrush at their house for you. Oh, that's considerate. Yeah. Gets your favorite snacks from the store without you having to ask. Picks lint off your clothes like a mother bear grooming her young. Have you done that yet on any of your dates?

No. Okay. Gets mad if you don't text when you get home. That's a good one. The way you load the dishwasher makes their eye twitch. Sends random updates throughout the day to let you know they're thinking of you. Okay, that's enough for now. That sounds sweet, yeah.

Oh, wait, it's 11.11. Oh, your favorite time of day. I always find it. You keep getting it. Yeah. Well, sorry we don't have facts. But we do love, here's a fact, we love Eva Longoria. Yeah, that was really fun.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving. I was delighted because, again, 18 years ago I worked with her, 17 years ago, and it was such a fun day. Yeah. And then I was reassured and delighted to see that we got along so well again. Yeah. Yeah. She never knows these are one-offs on a set or – She's very comfortable.

Yes, in her own skin. Yeah. It's admirable. She's not a Capricorn. She's Pisces. She's Pisces. All right. Love you. Love you.