Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Flightless Bird: Airports

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

In this week’s Flightless Bird, David Farrier sets out to understand the American airport and what makes it tick. Why are the top seven busiest airports in the world all based in America, and what does that mean for the traveler? David sets off for the world’s third business airport, Denver, to dig into the various conspiracy theories surrounding the airport. Why does it greet passengers with a giant terrifying mustang with glowing red eyes and did it really kill the artist who made it? David descends into the huge underground network of tunnels under the airport to find out what’s really going on there and tries to find answers to the strange, apocalyptic artwork on display at the terminals. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm David Farrier, a New Zealander accidentally marooned in America, and I want to figure out what makes this country tick. Now when I got to America over a year ago now, I arrived at an airport. Los Angeles International Airport. I'd liken that visit to LAX as entering the lower depths of hell. An intense first experience in America, involving America's favourite pastime, queuing up in a line. I've thought a lot about LAX since then and was surprised to find out that despite the chaos, it's only the fifth busiest airport in America, with 48 million travelers passing through last

year. At number one, Atlanta. It saw 27 million more travelers passing through its airport than LAX did. At number two is Dallas-Fort Worth with 62 million travelers last year. And at number three, Denver with 59 million. Those are the busiest airports in America and they're also the top three busiest airports on the entire planet. The top seven busiest airports in the world are all American. Number eight finally goes to China. I suppose the busyness of major American airports can also be their downfall, a purgatory between one place and the next, the wait becoming too much for some. This morning, United Airlines firing this wheelchair

attendant at Newark Airport after this viral video shows former NFL player Brandon Langley and the employee in a violent brawl. I want to know what makes American airports so popular and so American. So get ready to remove those smelly shoes and that belt buckle and throw that water bottle in the bin immediately, because this is the Airports Episode. Flightless, flightless, flightless bird touchdown in America. I'm a flightless bird touchdown in America. How do you feel about airports in general?

Travel is a pain, but you brought up the Atlanta airport. You let out a whoop. Yeah, I did. I have a lot of pride. Some people have pride in their hometown baseball team. Yeah, sports team. Or culinary dish. Exactly.

But I have pride in the Atlanta airport. What is it about the Atlanta airport, besides it being the busiest in the world, which blew my mind? Is there anything about it that sets it apart? Does it have good parking or good drop off? No, it's bad actually. It's bad. For the past year or so when I've gone home, it's a big pain and I'm stressed out every time my dad has to pick me up because I feel his stress. They like to get to the airport really early he picks me up and then you know i call him like i'm outside and he's like okay start walking toward me i'm like no what do you mean just yeah don't go on the move that's how you get lost when you just start aimlessly walking from a place he wants me to like meet him in the middle and i'm like i can't just come pull over but it stresses

him out so therefore it stresses me out. My parents don't even have passports anymore, so they're in New Zealand. Their passports have expired, so they're literally just stranded, unable to leave, and they don't care. My parents don't like traveling. When they travel as well, they do a really strange thing, which I think maybe it's what a lot of older people do, where they don't trust that the hotel or the motel is going to have what they want so they pack all their different teas and little milks and sugars and biscuits with them wow they love biscuits loves cookies farry has always

traveled with cookies oh i love cookies and so travel with them is a real disaster were you embarrassed when you were traveling with them? Yeah, because we'd drive to a different city and go into a motel and we'd just be carrying boxes of stuff. Sort of like a move. It was kind of like moving house. Every time we went on holiday, we'd just move with these boxes. You go to a hotel or a motel because it's different and it's got new things. I just look around and it's just everything we've got at home.

Traveling with milk is interesting. It is an interesting choice. Yeah. And a bad choice. My friend Eddie in New Zealand, when I first came to America, I lent my car to him to drive around because he doesn't have a car, he's just got a scooter. I said, just look after the car, it's yours, just put oil in and run it

so it doesn't end its life or anything like that. I got back and a week before I'd gotten back, he'd left an old big thing of milk from the supermarket in the boot. It was really hot in New Zealand and it exploded. And he only discovered this the day before I was coming back. So I came back to this car that was just disgusting. It just seeps into the very core of the car. And it rots.

It never unstuck. The only way I could solve the problem, someone crashed into my car, rode it off, got a new car. Okay, so I come over to America this time, right? I give my car again to Eddie. He's still got the scooter. David, fool me once. So I give it back to Milk Boy. Yeah, gave it to him.

Okay. About two months into me being marooned here in America, he was involved in a huge pileup on the motorway, written off, don't have a car. He totaled the car. To be fair, it wasn't his fault. It was a pile, I mean, he would say that, wouldn't he? It was a pileup, something happened in front of him. He couldn't get out of there quickly enough.

Car destroyed. Maybe he left milk in there. I haven't sighted the car, actually, like the inside. It could be covered in milk. By the way, you might as well crash it if it smells that bad. No one wants to be in a car that stinks. Oh, that's why I was so glad when that car that got destroyed originally

did get properly destroyed because I don't have to smell old dairy every time I'm driving around. Ew! That's horrifying. Okay, this is a ding, ding, ding. We talked about it for a second on Armchair, but it's important that you weigh in. Speaking of the trunk of a car. So last week we did something.

We call it the boot. Right. And we call it the trunk. Uh-oh. A boot you wear on your foot. Yeah. Yeah. Or you can put a boot on a tire.

Yeah. That's the car boot in America. Anyway, I picked you guys up, you and Rob, from Rob's house to go to a really fun dinner. For our Thanksgiving, Eppie. For our Thanksgiving. And when I got to my car, I realized, oh, fuck, it's a mess back here,

as it usually is. You needed to fit two big boys in your car, and that wasn't going to happen. So I had to take all the stuff from the back seat, and I threw it in the trunk. Now, this is the sixth or seventh time I've done this. So this was tippy top. I mean, it was a full-blown disaster back there. But I was like, but it's fine.

There's an illusion of perfection. The back seat looks nice. The front looks good. And then I pull up. You guys, open the trunk. First of all, don't open somebody's trunk without but really what if i did have a body back there oh so that's sort of that's gonna surprise you that's violating privacy and by opinion yes i think opening i don't know what you call it here

we call it a glove box yeah in new zealand opening that is a privacy violation because that is very private a glove box really i think so more private than the boot the boot is like an empty zone in your case obviously opened it it was horrific it was like you'd been living out of your car for the last two years i got worried i was like are you a hoarder and are you living out of here? I was worried. Can you explain it? Because I still don't understand why there's so much stuff. Because my friend, Rosabelle in New Zealand, she has a car that we all love. It's her mum's car. And her mum's favourite colour is violet. So the number plate is violet, but spelt with an H

instead of the O. So it's's violate so it's meant to violate violet but it sounds like violate so her number plate is just violate which is very funny but she does the same thing her car is her office it's just fills and she's the most organized smart person i know her car is like a tip it's remarkable and that's what your car was like a tip. It's remarkable. And that's what your car was like, a tip. Look, we all have some skeletons, you know, and that's mine. This is what happens. Things get put in the back seat. I have to figure out what's junk, what's not junk, and I don't have time. People have to sit there, so then I just put it in the trunk to deal with another day.

Do you ever take stuff from the trunk inside to sort it out at another location? Or is the car the sorting kind of space, the sorting room? Ideally, if I was living my best life, I would be able to park right in front of my door. When there's crap, I would just take it inside, throw it out, put it away, whatever. But I park far away, like a mile away I park. That's the Los Angeles thing I've noticed. I've got a lot of friends. If you don't have a garage

You're walking You're parking And then you're walking another mile to your house It's wild I've got a friend that lives up all these steps Oh yeah And they park And it's like this huge workout to get to the front door

Yeah that would be bad for me But yeah so anyway I was embarrassed I felt violated Ding ding ding I'm sorry No I didn't But I felt violated. Ding, ding, ding. I'm sorry. No, I didn't. But I did clean it on Sunday because it had hit critical mass and it was time for me to clean it.

And I did it. I'm sorry we made you feel bad. Also, they're really glad it motivated you. Yeah, because I found this mug back there. Mike is drinking this dirty mug. That's been back there for like a year a great thing about airports is that they don't involve cars

they involve planes good transition I'm the opposite to you in that I love going to an airport I'm like a child, I still get excited I'm like wow, I'm about to be in the air I'm about to go to a new place isn't it

amazing how sometimes there's wi-fi on a plane how does that work i'm amazed at the things you get on a plane yeah they're delivering you nuts incredible the wi-fi thing is cool how are they doing this it feels like magic but do you love it so much that you would rather do that than teleport it goes back to when we're talking about how i want to be uploaded onto the internet so i can be everywhere at once that's the dream okay of course okay but there's a certain magic because there's no other way to travel a long distance that makes sense awful for the environment so i think we're living in this time where i don't think we'll be flying as much as we are now so i think the novelty of it we should appreciate

because it's clearly doing horrific things. I know. And we won't be doing it for long. But I do like the fun of being in the air and looking out the window and knowing that we're going to be in a new place. So the top seven are American, which was fascinating. I was not expecting that. I was expecting a Charles de Gaulle to be in there, a Heathrow. It jumps to China. Right. A bunch of cities in

China then sort of take over. America is just a central point where people are using it. They're coming here. They're jumping on to another destination. They're flying internally between the 50 states. So it just ends up being this really busy place. But you don't think it's a message of bravado. Like even Trump, his whole thing was like, our airports are bad. Oh, we got to put more money in the infrastructure. I mean, look, I have thought it a few times after he said it and I've been at bad airports. I'm like, God, he's kind of right. But this is the image of America for foreign travelers. It's the first thing you see. Yeah. And that's why LAX, that place when I first, it was horrific.

It was this. What did you hate about it? I don't know if when you come in from New Zealand, you get sent to a different place. The international terminal. But it's so stark and going through immigration, the queues there were crazy. Yeah. I think they hadn't even put Biden up. I still think they had maybe Trumpy was up still.

It was such an odd atmosphere and so many lines and so much confusion. It was stuffy. Yeah. It was just a bad airport. I wanted to learn more about airports. So as always, I put a little documentary together. This is my deep dive into airport culture. Okay. I wanted to find out what makes an American airport tick. And so of course, to do this, I'd have to visit an American airport. I decided to go to the airport I'm most fascinated with, Denver International Airport. Not only is it the third

busiest airport on planet earth, it's also by far the weirdest. A hotspot of conspiracy theories with its gargoyles, a giant network of underground tunnels, and a terrifying giant horse statue with glowing red eyes. But to get to Denver, I'd have to return to that nightmare airport that first birthed me into the United States, LAX. My flight was at 11am, which meant I needed to get there by 9am apparently, so I set off at 8am. Crawling in an Uber on the freeway, it's funny to think that Americans used to take this trip just for fun. Too many opened over 90 years ago. Back then in 1929 it used to just be called LA. But by 47 there were so many airports two letters didn't cut it. So they just threw a random X on the end. Like magic, LAX. Years later, just before the millennium, it would become

the central location for the Backstreet Boys' I Want It That Way music video. Speaking of, I've arrived at LAX. All right, where do we need to go in here? This is a mess. This place holds the record for busiest origin and destination airport because so many travellers begin and end their trips here at LAX as opposed to connecting to other flights. You're going to the left. Morning passes, morning passes. Thank you, hello. Luckily for me, there's actually not much of a line today. as opposed to connecting to other flights. Luckily for me, there's actually not much of a line today.

Off come the shoes and the belt buckle, because scanning time has arrived. I put my dictaphone through the scanner. This is what it sounds like inside, if you'd ever wondered. Of course, pre-9-11, none of this security stuff existed. Airport security was carried out by private contractors, and those contracts usually went to the lowest bidder. Security was sort of invisible, and Americans would arrive minutes before their flights left.

Today, chaos. Right now I'm surrounded by people fumbling to put their shoes back on, disarray and smelly socks everywhere. I'm just curious how your experience has been so far. You look like you're putting their shoes back on. Disarray and smelly socks everywhere. I'm just curious how your experience has been so far. You look like you're putting a belt back on. You had no socks on. Yes, it's been quite an experience, although I'm very grateful that there's no line. I actually wanted to talk to the TSA about their job. It's easy to moan about them and the ordeal they put you through, but I imagine it's equally annoying for them as well. I emailed their media communications team and within five minutes got a really helpful response that just said,

Hi David, we don't have anyone available for this interview. Waiting for my flight to Denver, I'm in a kind of purgatory. I'm surrounded by strange stores that only seem to exist at the airport, with nightmare names like The Bee Grill and Steve's Snappin' Dogs and Craft Beer. Eventually, I board my United flight. Fahrenheit. What even is Fahrenheit? 30 degrees Celsius is what it is to me. The plane ride is fine. I get a tiny bag of nuts to eat like I'm a little squirrel. And a few hours later, we're descending into Denver International Airport. And I glimpsed it out the window. The giant sculpture of a horse. People say it's cursed

and represents the fourth horseman of the apocalypse. It's our pleasure to welcome you to our hometown city of Denver. Please stay comfortably seated until the seatbelt sign is off. In the terminal, I meet up with Stephanie Figueroa, the airport's public information officer. I actually do love that it's that busy because not one day is the same. Ever since this airport opened 27 years ago, there have been endless rumors and conspiracy theories about it. And I'm not surprised. Stephanie has taken me to a small monument inside the terminal. It's a time capsule that was placed there when the airport opened back in 1995. There's a line that says the New World Airport Commission, as well as there's a Freemason logo

symbol on there. And so people have a lot to say about that. I mean, a Freemason symbol in the middle of an airport, along with a plaque saying New World Airport Commission, does sound a lot like New World Order Airport Commission, right? Yeah, you see it as New World Airport Commission, but really the way it was intended to be read was New World Airport Commission. Right. So as in a World Airport Commission that's new. It really was supposed to be this state-of-the-art facility, you know, our trains to the concourses, that sort of thing. It was technology that hadn't really been seen or done in other airports,

so really that's what it's meant to be. But, you know, we do have people who think that the Freemasons have stake here or something, or their bunkers downstairs in our tunnels or something like that. I feel when you do slap a Freemason symbol on a big concrete slab in the middle of the airport, it's definitely going to get people talking. Absolutely. But the reality is the Freemasons are, you know, a legit organization and they they're usually involved in the openings of a lot of public buildings. We walk around inside the world's third busiest airport and I spot another weird thing. A gargoyle looking down at us. Gargoyles are scary. I don't think they should have them at airports. It is quite weird. I mean, there's an open suitcase and there's a gargoyle crouched

in the suitcase. He's got his mouth open, his tongue's kind of lolling out. A lot of people feel that the gargoyles are to be feared or that they're evil somehow or something, prophesying the new world order. Conspiracy theorists connect them to several other theories at the airport, saying they serve as like visual clues to the odd mysteries right in front of people. It does feel like a clue. It feels like if we were in the Da Vinci Code or something, Tom Hanks would be running up here and he'd be, this would be a major clue.

And he'd be looking at where the gargoyle is looking and that would lead to the next clue. Yeah, no, you're right. And if not Tom Hanks, Nicolas Cage or something. Yeah. The gargoyle is sitting in a Samsonite suitcase, a nod to the American suitcase brand that used to have its factory next to the airport. One of the biggest rumors here at Denver International is their massive network of underground tunnels. Now, this is very rare, but Steph's agreed to take me down into the tunnels to prove that nothing fishy is going on here. So we are now walking towards the elevator. So there's a specific elevator in the airport that I can use for escorting purposes. And I will be taking you down through that elevator down to our tunnels. The tunnels.

The tunnels. So people think that we're hiding something below the airport, that there's either bunkers for the world's elite or offices or headquarters for the Freemasons. You can see why when you talk about having sort of underground tunnels. Do other airports have a massive network of underground tunnels? You know, I'm not sure about that. A giant lift door opens in front of me, and then a second giant door behind that door.

It's intense. And I will ask if you guys can have your IDs ready, because they will check those. The security will check those. We descend underground, deep beneath the airport. It's like being in one of those giant scary elevators you take in a video game like Doom. This is the most dramatic elevator I've ever been into. It is. It definitely is. It has a certain aura of suspense.

The doors open and we pass through a security checkpoint with three guards. Okay, so we're in the underground tunnel network. We certainly are. All I can say about these tunnels is that they're big and vast. We hop in a golf buggy and Steph starts driving down one of them, a spiss off into another, and then another. It's almost two miles of tunnels, north and south, and then about 0.6 miles east and west.

Above us is this strange, intricate network of tracks, which apparently are what these tunnels were built for originally. When the airport was first built, this was originally our baggage handling system. And so this was transporting the luggage, but it actually failed before the airport even opened. It never actually worked.

The technology just wasn't quite there at the time. You know, maybe got a little bit ahead of ourselves in building this and thinking it was going to do what it was intended to do, but unfortunately it didn't. Trying to get this underground baggage handling system to work was one of the reasons for the big delay in opening this airport. It ended up falling 16 months behind schedule and going millions over budget. The whole thing ended up costing $4.8 billion by the time it was opened in 1995. Now we've been twisting and turning through

these tunnels for ages now. It's hot and we finally pop up into some daylight. I look out and see the airfield right there. We're in the middle of it. All right so we could drive out if we wanted to. We could. I'm not going to do that. You'll get fired instantly. No, no, no, I can. I just, I don't feel that comfortable driving on the airfield, you know, when it's me in this golf cart against an airplane. I'm not going to win. We descend back down again. We get a bit lost.

I think you're lost. I am a little lost. I know I'm on the east side going south. But eventually get back to the security checkpoint where we started. I've seen no members of the New World Order or any lizard people down here. But it's a relief to get back into that lift and return to the surface. Upstairs I'm introduced to Samantha Weston. She's in charge of the art at the airport, like that gargoyle. She tells me about some other strange art at the airport,

including some murals that I can only describe as really, really intense. Like there's a character in a military outfit who's wearing a gas mask while gripping a semi-automatic rifle and a giant sword, while the mother cries gripping her limp, lifeless child. I told you it was full on. What's it doing at an airport? So one of the murals is called Children of the World Dream of Peace. And that's the one that you're referring to that has the gas mask figure and the swords. When you look at it on one side of the image, it has kind of a destroyed city, a domineering figure. You can

see people fleeing away from it. You can see why it freaks people out a little bit. I do. I do. But if you look at it, there's a faint image line of like a rainbow rising above the children that are in the bottom of the mural. And if you follow the rainbow up, it leads you to the other side of the mural. So on the other side of the mural, that once domineering figure has fallen in defeat. All of the children are coming together and rejoicing. War is gone. Violence is gone. All of the children are coming together and rejoicing. War is gone. Violence is gone. All of the children are from different countries

and they're bringing forward weapons from their country to be destroyed together. I see. So they're not like stockpiling weapons to use. They're getting rid of them. They are. There's a banner across the mural that has the word peace in several different languages. So it really is a lovely message. I wonder if maybe it's just a bit too subtle for some. I guess in a way, Denver Airport is the busiest art gallery in America.

Nearly 60 million visitors a year. Not bad. Steph and Samantha take me to a ute in the car park. Maybe you don't have the word ute in America. I think you call them pickups. Anyway, we get in and start driving away from the airport and towards Denver's biggest attraction and biggest mystery. The giant blue horse I saw when I flew in. Mustang is one of our more controversial pieces. People call it Blucifer, as in Blue Lucifer. It also goes by Satan's Stallion and the Blue Stallion of Death. Stay tuned for more Flightless Bird. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

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All you have to do is visit athleticgreens.com slash flightless. Again, that's athleticgreens.com slash flightless to take ownership of your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance. nutritional insurance. I'm scared. This is almost as scary as the ghost. It's very funny listening to this back because when I was putting it together, all the explanations, I was kind of like,

oh yeah, these make sense. But listening back to them all compressed, they're all very funny. They're like, don't worry about the Freemason symbols. They're everywhere. The tunnels, it was just an old baggage system. Big blue stallion, all very funny they're like don't worry about the freemason symbols they're everywhere the tunnels it was just an old baggage system big blue stallion ah it's art it's full of the weirdest

shit i've ever seen in an airport or anywhere but the airport's kind of leaned into it so instead of denying it all that's why i could call them up and say i'm coming can i talk to you and they put someone forward they kind of lean into it which i think is really bold and interesting but i'm still kind of amazed that they do well yeah it almost feels like now they're making it its own tourist attraction totally which is smart to the airport and check out all this demonic stuff and jay-z lives under here. It's one of the theories. I know. There's another theory that the coordinates of where the airport are

are the same coordinates, I think, where the aliens landed in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. What? And the coordinates are really close, but they are a bit further away. Okay, fact check. But there's so much weird shit about this airport. And to witness all that, the gargoyle looking down at you as you're waiting for your luggage, the artwork, which if you don't look to the peaceful side of the artwork and you just

look at the war side, it's truly deranged. I've been to that airport and I haven't noticed any of this. I know. I think because if you don't look up at the right place, you miss the gargoyle. If you don't look out the window or when you're leaving the airport, maybe you're looking at the road instead of the big horse, you miss all of it. But it's all there. And once you know it's there, you can't ever unsee it.

I want to get a gargoyle for my house. Where will it sit? On the roof. Oh, that's so good. So it'll scare your ghost away and it'll scare all of the baddies. I love that when I brought up the gargoyle, she's like, ah, it's just a gargoyle. It's fine. It's not evil.

It's okay. I know. It's kind of scary. All those people who you talk to, it feels like they've been trained or they've been hypnotized. It is that feeling of like, oh, they're protesting too much about this stuff. Yeah, I think they're in a cult. They're all so lovely and I don't want to shit on them. But listening back, they're making me more suspicious of all of the things that I encountered there.

So the tunnels, I want to hear about that. Did you get claustrophobic? I mean, you love tunnels. I do love tunnels. My dad dug me a tunnel under the driveway. I sort of lived in there for a number of years. But I was allowed to come out of the tunnel. But no, it was exciting.

These are big networks of tunnels. So it's not like this sort of soil on the roof. They're all concreted up. There's golf carts everywhere. They still transport baggage in the tunnels, but they're all on carts. So this futuristic system that was meant to z zhuzh it along these conveyabouts, that all failed. There were software errors.

I think the first country to actually use that system properly, I believe, was Egypt. So they got it right. Well, Denver completely messed it up. Really? So yeah, it's still used for transport, but it's weird. We were driving really fast. I haven't been on many golf carts, but we were driving fast. And they went on and on and on and when we just popped up in the middle of the runway i was like

wow we're on the runway it was incredible that's crazy it was a trip the other thing i wanted to cover because the tsa refused to talk to me i really wanted to talk to the tsa for this but they just blatantly like no airport security before 9 security, before 9-11, there was none of this. It was private contractors. You could arrive five minutes before your plane took off and just get on the plane. So everything about airports all around the world and the security, it's all because of this horrific thing that happened to America. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. Every other country has now adopted this security system

yeah in new zealand we're doing the same stuff we're being scanned our luggage has been checked and it's all because of that so it's easy to shit on the tsa but they're doing this really important job very also you know there's the whole who's getting picked to get patted down always i get picked you do every time they're waving the wand over my bag to check for bombs and stuff yeah i think it's kind of great but no but do they take you aside and pat you down no it's mainly my bags getting waved for bomb dust there was a little period of time where i was noticing that i was getting patted down. I always was like, are they going to pat down my dad? Like I was always paying attention to.

Yeah, what's going on around you? Are they profiling? That's been a big thing and still is a big thing. It is a big thing, but I'm against profiling. But I also do want them to be very thorough with everyone. So in my perfect world, I guess they would pat everyone down. But then that would take so much longer i mean it should be a randomized process right or are they trained and that's why i wanted

to talk to the tsa but they said no no no are they trained to look for certain tells i mean what you hope they're not doing is there's a person of color with a beard we're going to profile them if it's not random are they looking at behaviors or if someone's getting a bit sweaty and a bit nervous are they going to pick them because they're sweaty and nervous is that profiling some people sweat all the time they shouldn't be being patted down all the time well to be fair the times that i've experienced this it's not painful it's pretty quick and it's annoying and it feels like an injustice, but it's not. They're not doing a rectal examination. No, exactly.

No. The biggest crime in New Zealand is if you bring fruit back in because we're obsessed with not letting any bugs in to wipe out all our little cute creatures. Oh, wow. And so what people get called out for is bringing a little banana in the suitcase because it's an instant $400 fine. Oh, my God. Yeah, boom. Two bananas, my God. Yeah, boom. Two bananas, $800. Yeah, a whole bag of fruit.

You can't just throw it away? No, if you bought it into the country. No, I think they give you a chance to own up to it. But I think once it's in the country, bad news. Well, I always get very anxious at customs. Because of all the drugs in your case. Yeah, because I have all this material we talked about this on the false confessions episode of armchair i know i have nothing to hide but when

i'm up against this authority i'm afraid they're gonna coerce me into saying i have drug i don't know i'm just afraid i'm always worried that i will be in a place in America And someone has slipped something in my bag Or something And suddenly it's full of cocaine Exactly And you're like it's not mine It's not mine It's not mine

High as a kite Munching your face off Yeah you told me you'd done every drug Including the really bad ones That was just made up It wasn't It was fiction TSA if you're listening This is why I open up to you Why? the really bad ones. That was just made up. It wasn't. It was fiction.

TSA, if you're listening, David Trask. This is why I open up to you. Why? Because I tell you and then you tell all the... I think you said it on the podcast, I think. No, I didn't. It was in private.

There is a thing that I know absolutely holds true. If you tell someone, I'm telling you this as a secret, right? And a person goes, oh yeah sealed tell me all that's never a secret what that person is i guarantee will do they will go to someone else and be like i got a secret to tell you someone so said this to me but keep that's what happens listen it's true it's what happens no

there's levels of secrets if there is a secret that you're sharing and you are like, this is really scary for me to share, or I don't want to talk about this, but I need to talk about this, or please don't tell anyone. That is a high level secret. But you in the back of my car with Rob saying, when I say, have you done any drugs? Well, I know not to blab to Rob. That was the first mistake. Well, he was there. I'm surprised by you, though, broadcasting this information. My point is, if I was hypothetically going to do some sort of illicit substance,

and then I told you in a car ride, I shouldn't need to tell you it's a secret. It's implicit. To me, that is not. Why is that a secret? The cops will come. Wait, no. The cops are going to come get you because you've done drugs. Okay. Is the gate locked? to me that is not why is that a secret the cops will come wait no okay is the gate locked this is going into hiding i'm changing my hair this is america in america scary here they put you in prison for drugs not for saying that you've done drugs

most people in this country do drugs. It's not a secret. That, of all things, I would never, ever have expected you to think was a secret. So I am sorry that I said it because you meant it to be a secret. But we talk about drugs. After this, we're going to go out and we'll go to a diner or something. And we're going to make a list of all the things I've told you. And I'm going to make two columns next to it. Secret and public.

And I'm going to get you to tick what you think each of those categories is. I love this game. And I will then go in through and assess it. Okay. Whether you are correct in the secrets or public game. You've only told me like three, I guess four for including this, secrets. And you need to tell me like six or seven more before we can play this game. Okay, just quickly.

Let's learn more about airports. Airports. All right. I guess it's a's a ding ding ding because there are secrets at that airport there are secrets to this airport and we're about to get into the last big secret so we're sort of pulling off the freeway is this a freeway we're on i'm confused about american roads it's technically pina boulevard it's a boulevard, not a freeway. When does a freeway become... Oh, shit. Okay. Are you really off-road now? Samantha's done a sharp turn and we're on dirt and grass barreling towards Blucifer. Huge blue Blucifer. He's impressive, isn't he? He is. He? She? I've been saying he this whole time. Oh, he. Yeah, you can see it.

Yeah, it's definitely a he. It's Oh, he. Yeah, you can see it. Yeah, it's definitely a he. It's definitely a he. There's no denying that. We pull up about 10 metres away from this giant horse. And I can see what they mean. Yeah, I mean, you can see the balls, can't you, really? It's definitely a male. Yeah.

Very veiny. It's very detailed. There's nothing left to the imagination. I'm looking at the anus, the taint, and the testicles and the penis. We like to think of him as more of a protector of the airport and of its passengers. Looking up at Blucifer, he's majestic. He's actually a Mustang, an all-American horse, descended from horses brought to America by the Spanish. This particular Mustang is the creation of Luis Jimenez,

an artist who loved creating giant sculptures, learning much of his trade from his father. This is him talking in an old documentary. My father was an artist from the time he was a very young man. He became a sign painter. And, I mean, I just grew up helping my dad, helping him on his projects. Some of his neon signs helping him on his projects. Some of his neon signs were actually sculptural projects. Growing up near the Mexican border, Luis studied

architecture at the University of Texas before moving to Mexico, where he studied the giant murals there. Inspired by that and his dad, a lot of his work was about the battle of the working class and minorities. I grew up on the border. I saw illegal families crossing. And my father was illegal from the time he was nine until I was born when he was 25. I decided that's what I would focus on. The horse I'm steering at now was his last ever creation. I fell on top of him in 2016,

severing an artery and killing him. Two years after his death, it was installed here at the Denver airport. His sons had finished the job. And it turns out those glowing red eyes that terrify passengers arriving late at night are a tribute to Lewis's father and his neon sign shop.

Some people find the red eyes a bit unsettling, but I think it really stems from just not knowing the full story in the background of the piece. And I love his eyes. I love that he's looking at you. I love that you can see him from far away. And to me, it's a very strong, positive presence.

And it's just such a, while a tragic story, but also a sweet story of how this artwork did come to Den and how it was finished by the family and his studio. And I think it's really just an overwhelmingly loving message and that we're really proud to have him here at the airport. Standing there looking up at this giant Mustang, I wonder which bit fell on the artist. The head is actually what unfortunately fell on him while he was painting.

The head was all originally painted by the artist while the lower two-thirds were finished by his son. Now he sits here just outside the airport, a metaphorical gateway to the non-metaphorical American West. My journey has come to an end. My airport journey, I mean. Before going back to LA, I take an Uber to see a few more sights and sounds in Denver. Shane picks me up, and he tells me he's lived in Denver his whole life. What's your favorite thing about living in Denver? I always tell people if you get bored around here, it's your own fault. There's your favorite thing about living in Denver? I always tell people if

you get bored around here, it's your own fault. There's always something to do. Shane has no idea what I've been doing here, but he just starts talking to me about Blucifer. Anyway, before the project was complete, the horse actually fell on top of the artist and it killed the original artist. I knew all this, the horse, the severed artery, the death. But then, a new twist. And as the story goes, the city was trying to get out of the contract. It was something like a $300,000 commission, something in that range. The story is that his family sued and completed the project and made the city take possession. This whole time, I'd assume the airport had championed Blucifer. It's kind of

strange to think that at one point they didn't want their iconic mascot. I do some digging later that night and Shane my driver was mostly right. While making the Mustang the artist missed a bunch of deadlines and the project got dragged out for a decade. This was partly due to his heart problems and the fact that when he was a kid he'd been shot in the eye by a BB gun, which left him with migraines and eventually only one eye. Work was slow, so Denver International Airport did something very American and sued him for $165,000, the amount it had already paid him up front. Jimenez countersued the airport, and eventually the airport and the artist reached an agreement. Blucifer would be completed. Staring up at the horse now, I'm and the artist reached an agreement. Blucifer would be completed. Staring up at the horse now, I'm glad the artist battled to complete him.

Sure, the horse killed him, but here his creation stands. A weird, fitting monument to one of the world's busiest, weirdest airports. Yeah, it was a really weird episode to write. I bought you a pin. The airport's made pins of Lucifer. And I just want to give this to you so you can sort of see what he's like. Okay. I feel like this is sweet and I'm scared.

Ew. Uh-oh. He's huge and majestic. Not ew. What do you mean? Yes, ew. I've been looking at pictures of him. That is so scary. Yeah, so just the idea is he's big and blue.

So if you fly in during the day, you just see this big blue horse. At night, they turn the red eyes on, which were a nod to his father who worked with a lot of neon lights. Well, do you know what else? It's also a nod to the fact that he had one eye and he was upset about eyes. Potentially. That is a theory that could be true. That's my theory. theory i mean they glow at you in such an intense way for flying in at night it looks truly terrifying most people can't go up

to stand under blucifer he's off in the distance and there's a motorway around it but because i was with the airport they escorted me over there and And standing underneath this, it's the biggest anus I've ever seen. And the taint, which is the bit of skin from the anus to the bottom of the testicles. The testicles come down. And then this big, veiny stallion. Ball sack. Penis right there. And that was just, I couldn't stop looking.

The penis itself was all veiny. All veiny. So many veiny. The whole horse is pretty veiny. They're beautiful horses. And it represents, I should probably do an episode about these type of horse for the show. Because they're really majestic and beautiful. And I think there's a lot of debate about where they're allowed to run free and who's looking after them, etc.

Oh, my God. But it's a beautiful horse. But David, you were standing under it. And that's how he died. Which is just such a surreal thing that this sculpture killed the artist. I mean. It is horrifying. You shouldn't be under the taint if it could fall on you and kill you.

I was aware of that. I questioned them about how firmly it was stuck on the ground because it's on its back legs. Yeah. Those are its only two points into the ground. Physics wise, this doesn't look like it should be able to stand. They said those two wonderful tour guides I had said it was very safe. But do we trust them? No.

Those women have Stockholm syndrome. They have an abusive relationship with the airport. Do we need to go back and maybe stage some sort of rescue? Get them out of there? I think so. An intervention. Fly in, get them on the plane, American Airlines, get them back to LA. And then it's like the moment in the movie where they're flying out and then they see the eyes and they realize they've been duped this whole time.

They're like, Lucifer is evil. Those glowing red eyes aren't nice. They're horrific and scary. These loving eyes are actually scary. The only airport I could compare it to for weird factor is the airport in wellington new zealand which is just full of lord of the ring stuff so there's a giant troll you get in there's one of those big eagles from the i think the eagle what did the eagle do in lord of the rings it got the ring and dropped it into mordor or something they use these big birds in lord of

the rings one of them on the eagles they rode point. They rode on their backs. Yeah. They've got one of those just hanging from the roof. I mean, that's fun, though. It's cool. That is not weird. That is New Zealand pride because it's a New Zealand thing. You're right. It's not a gargoyle. It's not a big giant scary horse.

None of these things are connected to Denver. Yeah. So it makes no sense. Yeah, no, you're right. Apart from the Samsonite suitcase that the gargoyle's sitting in, it's all completely unrelated and deeply unusual. The cool thing about it is, and I hadn't thought about this beforehand, is that the art in airports, it's public art.

Some people never go to a gallery. They don't want to. Airports are this amazing place where you can witness all this stuff. That's kind of cool. It is cool. When you are a budding artist, do you dream of being in the Met or the Louvre or the Denver airport? No,

it's kind of true though. More people are going to see your stuff in Denver airport than some contemporary trendy gallery in New York. And that's kind of neat. Yeah. I kind of love that. It is cool. Real quick, a sidebar on suitcases.

What's your brand? I use American Tourist. How ironic. Yeah. I got it in New Zealand. They're never worn out. They're sort of light. They're fine.

I'm not one of these people that really worries about what the luggage. Occasionally I've been like, I wish my luggage looked a bit cooler. Yeah. But it's never forced me to go and get cool luggage okay what about you i have a lot of away luggage which i love it's a great brand but the problem with the way a lot of people have away luggage sometimes i get very freaked out because i feel like someone's gonna take or you'll take someone else's i always check i need to put stickers on it no that's a band you like no no yeah put stickers all over it i'm not doing that i think it would solve the problem i'm just giving you solutions for this problem sometimes i put a

little ribbon on that's nice that's what i do a little ribbon just tie something over yeah so i have away luggage but then i've been upping my game lately. So I have a to me. Okay, here's what happens. I go to places and then I buy a lot of shit. That's a common traveling thing. And so then I will often have to buy a suitcase at my location. Yeah, to bring the mother load back. That's right.

Back to your trunk of your car, shove it in there. Exactly, where all this stuff just ends up in the boot. When I was in spain and paris i bought a ramoa now ramoas are very fancy i have a little fear about my ramoa i'm worried it's a fake oh no yeah are there any towels as sort of the zip starting to sort of break or is it just a painted color the logo is a big sticker it looks right put it just a painted color? The logo is a big sticker. It looks right. Put it from a man in an alley. Well, no, I did buy it from not a man in an alley. No, no.

A store in Spain. But it wasn't a Ramona store. It was a suitcase store. And they had other good brands. They had some Samsonites and stuff. And they had a couple of Ramonas. But I didn't think at all that it would be a fake. But it was pretty affordable considering.

I just figure it's an old model. It has an extra clasp. There's two clasps normally, and this one has a third. A suitcase detective over here. Well, I got freaked out because Max and Callie were there, and they were starting to look up Ramos, and they're like, well, which one's yours? And I couldn't find it. So let's talk about this a little bit. I'm scared.

I'm really scared. I really don't want it to be fake. The suitcase is essentially you chuck your stuff and you zip it up. There are things now where people are packing things in separate compartments and zipping things up in different plastic areas and separating it all out. Do you get involved in any of that rigmarole? Or are you just throwing everything in the one big area, like the boot of your car? Do you treat your suitcase like the boot of your car?

A little bit. Yeah, same. It's the only way to travel. I sort. But what do you mean you sort? I've seen your suitcase. It's very neat. Really?

Yeah, I even fold my dirty clothes and put it in the lid, the top portion. Are you supposed to put dirty clothes there? No, I do once I'm traveling. But sweaters and shoes I put up there. Okay. I put shoes there and toiletry bag. The dirty stuff

is the most annoying thing when you travel like a smelly t-shirt. Like where's that going? Are you bagging that off in another area? I know. What are you doing?

And how early do you pack for a trip? Like let's say you're leaving tomorrow. No, I'm sorry. The day before is the latest. Because I also

have to be organized because what I do now I set myself a challenge where I never want to check something in. So that really requires some discipline and some thought. So a day before is the latest, I'd leave it. What about you? I'm often like morning of.

Oh, your last minute is a boot problem. It's a boot you live. This is interesting. I'm night before, though. You're night before. Night before or morning of if it's like a 4 p.m. flight. It also depends on how long you're going. If this is like a two-week trip, then a day or two before.

This is a genuine question with American airports. How soon for a domestic flight would you want to be pulling up to the front of the airport? I am pushing the boundaries now, but still not crazy. So I arrived two hours minimum before, but I always get through and I'm waiting for domestic. And I'm waiting about an hour just sat there at some terrible weird store that only exists in an airport eating some terrible pizza. The problem is the airport's far away. So you have to manage the traffic. You must have a defined thing or does it depend on your mood on the day? How busy the airport would be at that time, how busy traffic is to get over there.

If it's Thanksgiving weekend, obviously I'm going much earlier. Yeah. There's so many nightmares. An hour and 15 minutes. Okay, all right. Yeah. Worst trip you've ever had, finally? Have you had like a real nightmare airport where you haven't gone on to a flight?

I had a flight where someone was dead in the back seat. No. He just popped a seatbelt on and covered him over with a blanket. Yeah, we all die. It's going to happen to all of us. Some of us will be on a plane at the time. It's going to happen. Where they don't have anywhere to sort of put you, or if they do, maybe it was full of storage or something.

I've heard that on cruise ships, the freezer where they keep the ice cream, that's usually where they'll pop the bodies as well because there's nowhere to put them on a cruise ship. So they'll just put them where the ice cream is. So on a plane, they don't have a big freezer, do they? So they just make sure you belt it up because if you go through turbulence, you don't want the body bouncing down the aisle and cover them with a little blanket.

Wait, that's really funny because we did an Armchair Anonymous really early on about craziest thing that's happened on a flight. And one woman told a story about a guy who died he had a heart attack in the bathroom and they just put him in first class which is cool finally gets to ride first class and yeah they buckled him in and then a nurse or somebody sat next to him oh my goodness so he was behind you dead guy yeah he was in you, dead guy? Yeah, he was in the economy. They didn't bump him up. He was just, he rode out the rest of his time back of the plane. The only time I ever get scared on a flight is that long flight, New Zealand to America, where if I wake up halfway

through and you realize, oh, I'm seven hours in, really high, it's really quiet, everyone's sleeping. And it's just a weird thought. It's like, I don't am you're in a tin yeah that feels bad yeah that does feel bad well when we went to london me dax the kids and anna we're meeting kristin there and it was an overnight flight and it was the worst turbulence i've ever experienced i really really was like, this might be it. Which you don't get to think often in life. Never. It doesn't happen. Yeah.

And I really had to think. I was like, okay, well, it was a good life. So you're going to try texting someone using the internal Wi-Fi? I didn't want to freak my parents. It would only be my parents. Yeah. That's sad. I've got a text queued up in my drafts For if I'm about to die

Text What? Yeah No So there's a version for family There's a version for a couple of friends That I want to contact For instance in a plane

You're not going to be thinking too clearly You don't have time So I want to all draft it up So they're all ready What do they say? Can you read them? That's private Oh man

But no the one for family is super generic It's just like thanks You know Have a great time It's a like, thanks. You know, had a great time. It's a view customized for people, you know, in my life that are a bit more personal. Because, you know, it's great because they can't talk back to you. It's your last message. Vroom. There it goes.

Land on them. You're so afraid of connections. Land some heavy shit on them. Can I talk back to him? No, he's dead. Went down in flames in that plane. No, David, no. You ever panic that you're going to accidentally send them? Yeah, exactly. That's a great. Oh, my God. them can i can i talk back to him no he's dead went down in flames in that plane david no you ever panic that you're gonna accidentally send yeah exactly that's a great oh my god it would

be amazing that would be hilarious who has texts just people that have meant a lot to me in my life so there might be friends that i've had what's the secret not not us monica i'll tell you i'll tell you i obviously don't have one yet but i'm gonna work i'll tell you off I obviously don't have one yet, but I'm going to work my way. I'll tell you off the air and we can do it in that secrets. There's a few that are individuals, there's a few that are in a group of two or three, and then there's family, which is just goodbye. That individual spot, that's a coveted spot. Yeah, those ones are long.

Yeah, a little essay. But imagine going down and you go to send this big message and the Wi-Fi is disconnected or it just goes unsent. And then that's your last thought is like unsent message. Oh, fuck. Gone. Do you update them? No, they're pretty set.

The deep stuff you want to say to people is always sort of set in concrete. It never really changes too much. Maybe that's the thing I should just tell them now. I'd really like for you to tell someone while you're alive. Oh my God. But then they can. Then they'll use it against you. No, David, no.

Now I've said it out loud. I do hear your point and maybe say it whilst all parties are alive. Yeah, because also, what if they die before you've gotten to tell? Yeah, that'll be frustrating. They'll be seeing me a text. No, I don't think anyone else has a drafts ready for you. It's definitely a one-way system. They don't have one loaded up for me.

It's never the way, is it? Wow. All right. Well, this was fun. I liked learning about the airport. We all sort of hate them, but great people watching. There might be some weird art. Look up in case there's a gargoyle around.

Yeah. And before you go to any airport, just Google it and just say like weird facts at the end. Oh, that's cool. And stuff will come up. Entertaining. And Atlanta Airport is, Hartsville Jackson. Boom. Is number one.

Number one in the world. In the world. Bye. Bye. Bye.