Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Flightless Bird: Cereal

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

This week on Flightless Bird, David Farrier investigates America’s extreme love of cereal. He sets out to answer why America needs over 5000 different types of cereal, and why some of the most popular cereals have been discontinued. He meets with YouTube cereal reviewer Thomas Hicks, AKA The Cereal Snob (https://www.youtube.com/c/CerealSnob), to get the lowdown on how much milk should be used in cereal, and what types of cereal are the best. David also discovers that cereal was invented by John Harvey Kellogg in the 1890s, who created the humble cornflake. David finds that Kellogg was trying to create something so bland it would stop people masturbating or having sex!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm David Farrier, and New Zealand are accidentally marooned in America, and I want to figure out what makes this country tick. Now there are some things in America that continue to blow my mind, and one of those is the cereal aisle at the grocery store. It's the sheer scale of it. You gently turn your trolley down a new aisle, and suddenly you find yourself enveloped by a wall of cereal on every side. It's overwhelming and inescapable. Boxes and boxes of

cereal towering over you as far as the eye can see. Last time I was at Vons, I recorded this voice memo. Okay, so these are just some of the options we've got here. We've got corn pops, crave, cocoa pebbles, fruit loops, frosted flakes, apple jacks, fruit pebbles, peanut butter crunch, oopsa Pebbles, Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Apple Jacks, Fruit Pebbles, Peanut Butter Crunch, Oops, All Berries, Cookie Crisp, Tricks, Lucky Charms, Reese's Puffs, Cinnamon Crunch Mini, Cinnamon Crunch Rolls, Toast Crunch, Honey Hops, Vanilla Spice Cheerios, Cheerios, Oak Crunch, Wheat Chex, Crisp X Cereal, Honey Bunch of Oats, Oats and More, Rice Pockets, Corn Chex. I'm maybe a tenth of the way down the aisle. Jesus. Raisin Bran, Raisin Bran, Light Bran, Puffs, Grain Berry, All Bran. Ah. It's a wonderland of names I'd never heard of before.

See, in New Zealand, our main breakfast cereal is Weet-Bix. Despite the ad telling you that Kiwi kids are Weet-Bix kids, it's rubbish. Kiwi kids hate Weet-Bix. It tastes like cardboard. Weet-Bix doesn't try and hide this fact. Its latest ad slogan was, simple is best. That kind of shit doesn't fly in America. When I say cereal, you say dinner. Cereal!

Cereal! Cereal! Over here, they're eating cereal for dinner. I thought Seinfeld had made that bit up, but at the mere mention of cereal, Americans start salivating. There are over 5,000 different types of cereal in America, which is, frankly, outrageous. Why? Why is cereal such a big part of American life? I needed to find out. So, grab a bowl and get ready to fill it to the brim with grains and a hearty serving of milk, because this is the Serial Episode.

What are your emotions towards cereal, Monica? They're very positive. Okay, same. My favorites are in this order. Okay. Life, number one. Life? Quite an epic name. You haven't had life?

No. Oh, it's so good. Two is. Can't be that good. No, I'm like, I'm so tired. Kick them up. Same. I'm wrecked.

Honey Nut Cheerios. Okay. Honey Nut Cheerios. Yes. Okay. And then number three is Honey Bunches of Oats. I'm just going to say I'm also wrecked this week. I've been house sitting and dog sitting at the same time.

Oh my God. And house sitting I find disorientating because you're in a completely different setting. Yes. It's nice. It's a nicer house than I'm normally in. Okay. So that's cool. But it's disorientating.

But it's come with a puppy and the puppy has been on antibiotics or something. Oh no. And that makes it vomit up all its food all the time. When go home from this there'll be vomit on the ground i'll have to clean up apparently chicken and rice will help soothe its stomach honestly i'm so tired it's so intense yes i'm wrecked why are you wrecked what's your excuse i don't know i've been sleeping so badly yeah right just waking up and miserable i just couldn't sleep at all last night i don't know. I've been sleeping so badly. Yeah, right. Just waking up and miserable. I just couldn't sleep at all last night. Sorry, that sucks.

I don't know why. I am drinking this new tea. Okay. And I wonder if that has anything... If it's the tea, but it is caffeinated. It's not caffeinated. Not caffeinated at all. What flavor? It's called Rest and Digest. It's for the night. It's not working. It's not working.

It's not working for resting. That is for sure. How's the digesting? Is that on the up? It feels normal. It's not working. It's not working. It's not working for resting. That is for sure. How's the digesting? Is that on the up? It feels normal. It feels good. Yeah. Maybe give it a rest tonight and see if it changes things. I know.

I mean, I just wake up to the sound of vomiting. Oh, my God. And like a puppy wanting to crawl into the bed. It's honestly, I'm wrecked. Do you let it sleep in the bed? Well, it's got a crate, but then it starts whining because it's upset. And I love animals. Yeah. So, like, I'll clean the vomit off its little muzzle. And then it'll lick me and sort of lie down. This is disgusting.

I thought you'd enjoy this because I know you love dogs. But honestly, it's been good for me because I have toyed with the idea of dog ownership. I've never had a dog for this long. And for me, no offense to this particular dog or the owners, it's a no from me it is it's sealed the deal seal the deal i'm no longer a dog person this little fucking creature it's adorable it's adorable it's also yeah loud yeah how big is it it's a schnauzer so it's a little it's a rescue so a bit of mutton there It's friendly Like it's cute

But then it's also Sick It's sick I can only leave the house For three hour periods Because when I leave the house It has to go in its little crate Right

And you can't leave a puppy in a crate During the day For extended periods So I get these three hour windows Being here with you Monica I'm in the window It's a big deal

And after this This window's made up of recording This episode And then I've Monica I'm in the window it's a big deal and after this this window's made up of recording this episode and then I've got to go to the supermarket and find a fucking chicken get the white meat out

I've got to cook some rice when I get home how much longer do you have to do this for? my friends are actually coming back from their holiday tomorrow they're coming back early

because of the vomit? well yeah they want to make sure it's okay and like the dog like eats its vomit again. Ew! Which is okay, because basically the problem is the puppy is eating the food too quickly.

So I've got a special bowl that slows down the eating. It's a weird shape, so it's really got to get its tongue in there to get the food out. Okay. But it's still eating too fast. So a common thing with puppies is they'll eat too fast. They'll vomit it up. They'll eat it again. Ew!

Stop it! Which is okay, but at least it's eating. Okay, can you eating. The main thing is she's eating. It's not okay. It's definitely not okay. But no, the main thing is they are getting the food back in. So it's not like this dog is going without food. It's a process. It comes up, goes down again. Anyway, so I've talked about this for too long. My point is we're both tired. Tired. Really tired. But hey. Which is, I guess, sort of a ding, ding, ding,

because people eat cereal for breakfast, which is in the morning after they've slept. They're tired. You're most tired. Yeah, I love cereal in the morning. I'm also someone, and that's the ad we heard in the intro, who does eat it sometimes for dinner. Yeah.

How do you feel about cereal at sort of different times, sort of a snack? Knowing the ingredients that are in most cereals, it's a full scam. I mean, it's incredible what they've done. It is, right? The marketing. Yeah, it is. It's nuts. To make it a morning food. Yeah, and so in New Zealand, we have other cereals besides Wheat Bix.

It is our main national cereal. Can you spell that? W-E-E-T- other cereals besides Wheat Bix. It is our main national cereal. Can you spell that? W-E-E-T-B-I-X. Bix. Wheat Bix. Okay. Yeah, so they're these little like biscuit shaped things. But we had this other cereal growing up, Nutri-Grain.

And that's here as well. We have like Nutri-Grain bars and stuff. Yeah, right. So this was Nutri-Grain but in a cereal. And all the ads were like weightlifters and swimmers. And I remember seeing this ad and being like, Oh my God, this is is how I'm going to get buff because I was a skinny little kid. And so I just eat so much Nutri-Grain. I made myself sick of it.

I actually vomited Nutri-Grain. Okay, gross. And did you eat it back up? Yeah, I slapped it back up again in the bowl. But, you know, it was such a scam. So it's not good for you. It was just sugar. It was sugar and some fire.

It's awful. It's lies. Well, it's a scam. It's not good for you. It's just sugar. It was sugar and some fire. It's awful. It's lies. Well, it's not lies. They don't tell you it's not sugar, I guess. They just tell you to eat it for breakfast and then people do. But I eat it often if I'm eating cereal, which at this point in life is very rare. But if I have a box of life in the house, I will eat it all.

Okay, so life sounds like a cult. What is in life? It's so good. What's the vibe? It's these little squares. They have sugar on them. They're kind of a wheat. Kind of like Chex. No, they're not puffy like Chex. A bit more solid. They're thin.

They're little squares, right? They're squares and they're wheat and they're thin. And do you just like is it the taste or the texture that you're? Both. It's so good. They also have cinnamon life. I bet a lot of people who are listening are fans of cinnamon life.

I like cinnamon life just fine, but I prefer classic life. Okay. And I eat it for dessert. Yeah, as a dessert after dinner. So better than ice cream, you have some, yeah, I think dessert's a common thing. And sometimes as a snack, my friend used to do this in college, she would always put cereal in a little baggie and then that was her snack. No milk. No milk at all. Yeah. So I went to a cafe this morning with this dog that just fucking barked at everyone.

David, you know I hate that. Oh my God. Sorry, I was that guy. So I ordered some granola, which I think of as a cereal. And something I find in America is it never gets served in a cafe with milk ever. Yeah, it's only yogurt often. So I'm like, at the end of the meal, I'd guzzled down the yogurt, delicious, and the berries. And at the end, I'm staying in Atwater Village. It's a new cafe. I don't know. They're dog friendly, which is good.

Was it yummy? It's a new cafe. I don't know. They're dog friendly, which is good. Was it yummy? It was yummy. Until I'd guzzled all the fruit and I was just sitting there alone at a cafe. I was just eating dry bits of cereal, shoveling in. I'm like, where's the milk? Yeah. I do feel like America slash LA, I don't know which is which at this point, but definitely granola does not have milk. It's so weird.

It's always just sprinkled on yogurt or by itself again as a snack. Isn't that sort of fascinating? Because I thought part of the joy of the granola or any cereal is the milk. It sort of turns into a soup. Yeah. I think they've tried to separate the granola from the milk. Although you know who still does it? I haven't been in a while, but. Oh, I also have a cold. That's part of why I'm tired. Buried the lead.

Sick as a, absolutely wrecked over there. A place that I used to get granola with milk. Yeah, oh, I want to know. Trails. Your favorite place with your favorite peanut butter and jelly. Full of dogs. Full of of dogs the place we went hiking where you didn't recognize yeah yeah yep hold on to that they have a granola and you can get house-made almond milk with it and it is really good okay this is a great tip yeah i really like

that cafe dog friendly i can take little spewy along oh his name's spewy that's what i call him what is his name i don't want to give the dog's name away because if the owner's listening to this, I want them thinking maybe it's another dog. Don't you think the owner knows you're... Maybe I'll pounce it and dog set another dog. If I say the name, it seals the deal. I can deny it. Sick and coming home early. Yeah, there's a lot of coincidences, but I think I can push the boundaries. I'll say this is an old story I told in the podcast. I was running low on material, so I brought up this old, not the current dog, so this really old one I did.

It was years ago. Oh, we're keeping all this in? Yeah, that's fine. That's what we're talking about right now. So they definitely know who you're talking about. No. Oh my God. No, I'm not going to say the dog name.

Wait, I really, now, fuck, I really want to know its name. Why do you do this? It is fun. I don't mean to say the dog's name. Wait, I really, now, fuck, I really want to know its name. Why do you do this? It is fun. I don't mean to do it. You do. Your reaction makes me more, I do enjoy it, so it's sadistic. I didn't mean to do that, but I'm absolutely not going to say the dog's name. So milk and cereal.

How do you feel about soggy cereal? Oh, I don't like it being soggy. I like to pour the milk in very quickly. I'll guzzle it down before I get soggy. That's my move too. Do you know who the person is that he's house-sitting for? Yeah. Do you have access to their Instagram or anything?

I mean, I could find it. I want to know the dog's name. Okay, Rob's going to go on the trail for cancer's voice. It's like the pool all over again. Oh, you see, no, detective. Rob on the task. In- a detective. Rob on the task. In-house detective. I'm on it.

Okay. I'm going to play my little documentary about cereal. Okay. And it was fun to make because I'd never thought about cereal as much as this before. This is fun. I wish we had some right now. Oh my God. So fast.

No, Rob. What is the dog's name? No. No, Rob. Rob, you outed my pool. I won't. You outed my pool. And what happened?

Nothing. So. I don't know the dog's name, but I found a video of the dog's name? No, no, Rob, Rob, you outed my pool. I won't. You outed my pool. And what happened? Nothing. So. Yeah, I don't know the dog's name, but I found a video of the dog. Okay. Maybe in it they're saying Sparky or whatever it is because. All right. So here's my audio documentary. Old spewy guts.

Okay. Here is Serial Part One. I've been watching a lot of American cereal commercials for this episode. And let me tell you, they're deranged. This one sees a clown that looks like John Wayne Gacy bursting out of a dog kennel before sitting down to sell America a bowl of sugar rice crinkles. Take it from crinkles, that's me. The best breakfast under the big top is post-sugar rice crinkles.

So crinkly, so delicious, so different. Each grain of rice in sugar rice crinkles is crinkled with honey and sugar. Honey and sugar was being sold to American children in the 60s. And from what I can tell, not all that much has changed. I get up, I wash my face, and I notice I got a lot more face. I'm the guy on the Kellogg's Froot Loops box. That ad for Froot Loops is still selling sugar and has a kid tearing his own face off to reveal he's actually a giant toucan underneath.

These ads make me feel exactly how I feel when walking down the cereal aisle in America, overwhelmed and deranged. when walking down the cereal aisle in America, overwhelmed and deranged. I realized I'd need someone to help navigate me through this overwhelming world of grains, carbs, and sugar. I've always been really excited to wake up and live my life, in particular if there's great cereal to start my day. Thomas Hicks loves life, but he mainly loves cereal. He's been reviewing cereal on YouTube for years as the cereal snob. He's made a life reviewing American cereal. He got the idea back in 2015. I was walking down the aisle at the store and I saw Captain Crunch's Sprinkle Donut Crunch.

I was like, what the fuck is this? What is that? You go down that aisle and first off, it's an entire aisle, sometimes lined on both sides. And there's so many varieties. And I was like, is this good? I mean, I trust the brand Captain Crunch, but not blindly. And I saw someone recently on the internet review Oreos, just different flavors of Oreos. And that's kind of when it hit me as like, oh, well, I could do that. But with cereal. Someone needs a voice that they can just trust because no one was consistently talking about the newer and more confusing cereals that existed, and I was like, I'll be that guy. Thomas would be the perfect man to metaphorically hold my hand as I

walk down the cereal aisle of America, an aisle he fell in love with decades ago. You know, I grew up initially in a home that didn't have sugary cereals at all. So I'd go to other people's homes or shopping with my mom at the store and see Lucky Charms and be like, oh, mom. And she's like, no, no, no, just Cheerios. And I'm the second of six kids. Because of that, somewhere along the line, my mom just gave up. I think like most parents are like, look, we care a lot with the first couple of kids the few other kids like just get the cereal have them be quiet and every time that happened i'd be like oh great there's fruity pebbles today and i was very excited about that when i was a teenager with six kids in the house i like just

would start buying my own cereal so i could have it hidden in my closet. That way, I knew I could have my Captain Crunch that morning without having to worry about if my brothers or sisters ate it all. Back then, Thomas was eating cereal for breakfast. But one thing I've noticed in America is that it can be normal to eat cereal at any time of the day. It's kind of encouraged. I flicked through some more commercials and find this one from Kellogg's last year. It has over 74 million views and it seems to be telling kids to eat cereal for dinner. When I say cereal, you say dinner. Cereal. Dinner. Cereal. Dinner. For you, was cereal always a morning thing or did you find yourself creeping into having it at different times of the day, a little afternoon treat or a

little dessert, or is it always the morning? Nowadays, I almost exclusively eat cereal past 10 p.m. I think it's probably best past 10 p.m. actually. It's like ice cream, you know, not frozen and kind of discombobulated. It's delicious. And I think there's no better time to eat cereal than in the evening now. Do you have any theories on why in America cereal is such a big aisle in your local grocery store? Why are there so many varieties? Why is it such a big thing here in the US? Besides it tasting amazing and delicious, it's one of those things that is always there ready and it doesn't need to be taken care of. like it's non-perishable so it sits in your cabinet for such a long time and for my mom not having to make breakfast for all of us kids and

just having cereal that's the easy button so mom's like it because the easy button kids like it because it's sweet like candy but it's not candy um except that i mean it is it's for all intensive purposes it really is and the more i get into it more like, oh, there's just so much money there. That's why that aisle gets bigger every year. And that's why Cinnamon Toast Crunch is going to come out with six new flavors over the next year just to try and see if they can get more dollars. I guess cereal is big for the same reasons McDonald's is big. It makes the likes of Kellogg's millions of dollars because the products are tasty, ready to eat immediately, and they're not expensive. And it's cheap.

In the grand scheme of things, one box of cereal today is around $5. And that for 10 servings, that's amazing, right? So from an economic perspective, cereal's great. The one small issue, the health benefits. Cereal is one of the most processed, sugar-rich products you could consume. I mean, I love cereal, and I really love sugar. But in America, it's too sweet for me. Remember, I come from the land of Weet-Bix, the bland, cardboard-tasting nightmare cereal.

In America, cereal is the opposite of Weet-Bix. And as Seinfeld once said, what's up with that? I eat a lot of cold cereal. That's one of my favorite breakfasts, I really do. But the kid cereals now... Gotta have fiber now, gotta have fiber. And as Seinfeld once said this product the hell with everything? Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner, bacon and cigarettes in between. The cookie crisp total health plan. That would be it. It feels incredibly hard to find a cereal in the United States that has any nutritional benefits, really.

What's your take on that? Because I'm still looking for a granola here in America that doesn't make me feel overwhelmed with sugar. First off, if you're looking for a specific cereal, one of my favorites recently is a $13 box of cereal I find only at Costco. It's called Morning Summit. The first ingredient is almonds. So it's very hearty cornflakes with dried cranberries and cherries. It's so filling without being overwhelming. It's just lightly sweetened with maple syrup. So if you're just looking for something, I recommend check out Morning Summit. It's good. I avoided it for so long because a $13 box of cereal is quite hefty.

But in regards to just healthy cereal in general, I think it's like people going to McDonald's wanting the healthy option. No one goes to McDonald's because they want a lettuce-wrapped burger. They want the McDonald's burger. And we don't want to buy Froot Loops and have it taste, I don't know, like a healthy thing. When I got into this industry, cereal was really hardcore leaning on no artificial flavors or colors. And they were trying to get more health conscious because sales were declining. But that was, again, missing the mark. People say we want

healthier foods, but that's not necessarily how we behave when it comes to our purchasing habits. People say they want something healthy, but at the end of the day, if they want something healthy, it's not actually cereal. It's something totally different from that. If I want to eat healthy, I'm just going to avoid cereal altogether. It feels like in the old days, people used to pretend cereal was a healthy start to the day. Athletes would advertise it, hinting that eating a certain cereal would turn you into a long distance runner or maybe a gold medal winner. There's a bit of that that still goes on, but largely in America, from what I can see, they've just given up on that. We all know cereal is terrible for you, but we eat it anyway.

And it's come a long way since it was invented. I discovered the first breakfast cereal that wasn't porridge was invented in the US in 1863. And it didn't start as the sexy sugary snack seen in America today. Quite the opposite. When John Harvey Kellogg invented the humble cornflake in the 1890s, he wasn't trying to create a tasty breakfast. He was trying to make something so bland it would stop people masturbating or having sex. Kellogg was a seventh-day adventist and he hated the idea of people having orgasms. I've noticed America has a really strange relationship with sex, always trying to invent new ways to stop people ejaculating. Back in the circumcision episode of Flightless Bird, I learned that it became mainstream to chop off foreskins because doctors thought it would stop young horny teens masturbating. I guess when it comes to American history,

circumcision and cereal have something in common. I'll never look at a bowl of Froot Loops in the same way again. Now all I can see is a bowl of lonely foreskins bobbing away in the milk. Oh my god. How do you like that image, Monica? What the fuck, David? It's crazy though. No, you like that image? Want to go? What the fuck, David? It's crazy though. No, honestly, that's not bullshit.

The cornflake, the whole impetus behind it was to just stop teens being horny. Why again? Look, it's like the logic of like the whole circumcision thing. It's basically to make them so bland. Right. Make this thing so bland, you feed it to the kids and their sex drive will literally decrease and they'll stop masturbating which apparently back then they thought came with a host of terrible health benefits okay but so there's no

science but obviously zero behind this at all they just thought they'll be so annoyed after eating this bowl just yeah bored but also their libido will just literally drop because it's got nothing in there that would increase it's like the office of an oyster have a cornflake so stupid that makes no sense that is so stupid are you sure no no

it's a batshit fact about Kellogg's but that was the entire intent behind cereal when it was birth like the first cereal technically porridge it's crazy

and yeah and it just it reminded me of that whole circumcision that we did where doctors originally were sort of pushed into it because they were sort of all sort of Puritans and thought that this will stop kids masturbating.

It's kind of wild. So bizarre. I just have to bring it up because you brought up McDonald's a few times that I had In-N-Out for lunch. It's such a nice day. How was that? I know, it's so random. It's a great burger. It is.

What did you get? Double, double. Well, no, the reason I brought it up is it. It's a great burger. It is. What did you get? Double, double. Well, no. The reason I brought it up is because I did get a lettuce wrap. They do a lettuce wrap there. Yeah. It's called protein style. Yeah.

Protein style. The reason I did it is because I get fries animal style, which at In-N-Out is fries with this ketchupy Thousand Island-ish sauce on it mixed with caramelized onion and cheese. It's so good. I've never had that. It's ridiculous. I haven't. Obviously, I need to. You must. It's so good. It's a game changer. That's animal style. So I like everything animal style, like the burger animal style. I like the fries animal style. But if I get the fries animal style, I always eat that first. And then I only want two bites of the burger because I'm full. So I decided to go with the lettuce wrap because

I could eat more of the burger because I wouldn't be as full. Does that make sense? That completely makes sense. That does make sense. It's a bit weird, but I'm into it. I'm into that logic. I went to see The Killer, which is David Fincher's new film. Oh, I don't even know about it. Yeah, it's dropping on Netflix. I think it'll be out by the time this episode's out. Is it scary? It's not scary.

It's about a trained hitman, a killer, but kind of told in a procedural way. So it's very methodical about what it's like to be a hitman. Stars Michael Fassbender. I really, really liked it. Okay. But it's the first time I've seen such intense product placement for McDonald's in a film in a long time. And there's a scene where Fassbender, because he's keeping very buff, because he's got to be fit to do his killing and everything. There's a scene where he goes and gets McDonald's at Happy Meal or like a combo or whatever.

Walks out with his little McDonald's bag, sits down on the bench, and he takes the bun out and just eats the cheese and the patty. The burger, uh-huh. And so that's kind of like your healthy approach. Yeah. But it was just sort of wild seeing, I don't know, McDonald's in a movie. You don't often see big brands like that. It's true, except in Pulp Fiction. It's in Pulp Fiction.

It's really good. Really, really good. Two really good movies. Two very different movies, but I think you'll like. Okay. I'll watch that anyway sorry back to cereal

I just had to talk about In-N-Out but I know I think burgers and cereal have a lot in common because I really like what he said

the idea that like you're kidding yourself if you go and get a burger for health and you're kidding yourself if you're getting a healthy cereal I know

you have to know what you're doing you have to know you're indulging it's an indulgence yeah 100% yeah anyone that eats cereal and says, oh, this is a healthy cereal, that's kind of bullshit. Yeah. I never responded to how much milk

I'm just realizing. Oh, yes. I don't like so much milk where it's just swimming. Drowning. Yeah, where it's drowning. But I like enough that there's milk at the end. Yeah, so every spoonful will have a little bit of... Has milk in it, sugary milk. Yeah. Well, that's the other thing about it, right? Because essentially you're creating a little milkshake.

Yeah. Do you drink it after? Oh, I sip it up. Yeah, no, I'm one of those who hold the bowl up. I mean, at that cafe with the milk in it, I would have happily held the bowl up and sipped it out. Yes. The joy of cereal is that.

Have you had the Momofuku milk bar cereal milk ice cream? No. So it's like a cereal-y ice cream? The ice cream is from cereal milk. Oh my God. It's so good. That's great. Yeah, it's delicious.

I'm absolutely going to try that. Highly recommend it. Just imagine the factory, a load of people just eating bowls of cereal and pouring their milk out and freezing it. Truly disgusting. All right. There's more of this documentary. I'm going to play it to you.

I knew American cereal was bonkers, but I wondered if Thomas the cereal snob also understood this fact. Do you appreciate how batshit insane America is when it comes to cereal? Because, I mean, you probably do, but I'm just telling you, it's fucking crazy. I've traveled internationally a handful of times, and going to the cereal aisle has been my thing. I have to check it out, and I'm always blown away to see the lack of variety. Here we have seven different types of Frosted Flakes. In the UK, they have two.

Same goes in New Zealand. When I went back to New Zealand earlier this year, some friend's kids requested certain American cereals they'd seen on YouTube or on TV, as they're impossible to get back home. That's how desperate New Zealand is. How should I choose my cereals? Because I can't get every one. I'm going to have to make some choices.

Well, first off, I want to tell you, you can get every one. If that's your dream, by all means, you can. I'm a living proof of that. Welcome to America. But I think get something chocolatey, something fruity, and something cinnamon-y. Americans love cinnamon, right? Americans fucking love cinnamon. Yeah, we do. I think Cinnamon Toast Crunch is probably the number one selling cereal, if I'm not mistaken. That's why there's a million varieties of it. His advice of fruity, chocolatey, and cinnamony seemed sound. And so I dashed to my local supermarket, or grocery store as you call them here.

Okay, I'm in the cereal aisle, and it's overwhelming. I'm at a Vons. Don't know what Vons stands for, but okay, I need something chocolatey, something fruity, and something cinnamon-y. Chocolatey. There's a lot. Got Kit Kat cereal, Reese's Puffs, Cocoa Puffs. I'm going to go, the Cocoa Puffs here I've never seen before. I'm going to get family-sized Cocoa Puffs.

Something fruity. I mean, God, I've got to get my first ever Fruit Loops, right? Okay, Fruit Loops. And something cinnamony. God, this is crazy. Cinnamon Toast Crunch. There it is. There's so many cinnamony ones.

Good Lord. Okay, I'll just get cinnamon toast crunch. Speeding back to my apartment, I went straight into a taste test. All right, I'm in my kitchen and I'm going to try these three cereals. Okay, first up, cinnamon toast crunch. This comes with two times the vitamin D that I used to have, I suppose.

12 grams sugar, 170 calories. Certainly smells like cinnamon. Mmm, certainly feel those cinnamon flavors coming through. Does not taste healthy, but delicious. Gotta say, cinnamon loves the cinnamon. Next up, we have Kellogg's Fruit Loops. Fruit spout F-R-O-O-T. Didn't know that, I thought it was fruit with a typical spelling.

But it makes sense with the whole loopy shtick. 150 calories, 12 grams total sugars. So it compares a lot to the Cinnamon Toast Crunch in its healthiness, which is not very high. Now I can see the appeal for children. They really are very colourful, this cereal. The cinnamon toast crunch is very... This is a little brown, which is what you'd expect from cinnamon. Oh, I can already feel the sugar coursing through my veins,

actually, from that cinnamon toast crunch earlier. Fruity loops, a lot of colours. OK, I'm going to take a mouthful. Mmm. Fruity. Definitely getting some fruity flavors. Not fresh fruit. All right.

On to the Cocoa Puffs. All right. This is a General Mills brand, which I was unfamiliar with, but apparently it's very big in America. 12 grams soda sugars, 140 calories, so it's slightly potentially healthier than the cinnamon toast crunch and the fruit loops. Let's give it a go. So I suppose of course the bonus of having the cocoa puffs is it does turn the milk into an added sort of chocolate shake kind of a scenario,

so that's a bonus isn't it if you're into chocolate milk. Let's try these things. Very crunchy. I love the crunchiness of the Cocoa Puff. 10 out of 10. Flavour, 10 out of 10. Mmm. Sorry about the soaping and chewing noises.

Quite disgusting, but it tastes great. My favorite out of the three, out of the fruity one, the cinnamony one, and the chocolatey one. Chocolatey is coming out on top. I've got to be honest. Just for full disclosure, I went back for seconds of the Cocoa Puffs after I'd turned off the mic. They were delicious. I discovered my favorite American cereal so far. But what about Thomas? If you're going to be stranded on a desert island for, say, 20 years, what three cereals, assuming you have a good supply on this island of

milk or whatever you put on your cereal, maybe there's a cow there you can milk every morning. What three cereals are you taking with you? One of them would have to be peanut butter checks. My first and foremost, I think it's the, one of the best cereals ever to exist, especially if you like peanut butter. A second would be that morning summit cereal I just mentioned because it's hearty in one bowl is enough. It's rare. And then lastly, I think it's a toss up between Crunch Berries and Fruity Pebbles. To have a little bit of variety there, I'd say Fruity Pebbles. I haven't tried any of those. I'm going to try all of them. Oh my gosh. Yes, you must.

There was something else I'd become curious about, just with so many brands and types of cereal on the market. Is there a cereal that they've discontinued that you're like, fuck, why did they stop that? Bring it back. I'm the cereal snob. There's like a million cereals they've discontinued. So probably the most egregious one is Rice Krispie Street cereal. I started a petition back in 2019 on change.org to try and get them to bring that back. And this was before they totally discontinued it because there's a long history of cereals just keeping the brand name

but changing the cereal altogether. I started that when they just changed the formula and it was awful. And then they discontinued it altogether because no one was buying the new crappier formula. And I don't know, I don't check that thing often, but it was over 25,000 signatures recently. I go and check Thomas's petition to make sure he's not lying to me. Turns out he was telling the truth.

It currently sits at 26,874 signatures. That's the entire population of a large New Zealand town. And I was curious why Kellogg's wasn't listening. Hello, and thank you for calling Kellogg Consumer Affairs. Our family of brands includes Kellogg's, Pringles, and Morningstar Farms products. To continue in English, press 1 or stay on the line. Para continuar en español,

we are currently closed. Ugh, this is complete bullshit. It's 10 a.m. Friday in L.A., which means, which means it's 1pm in the New York Kellogg's office. Our regular hours are Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm Eastern Time. Complete bollocks from Kellogg's. Their answer phone message went on. If this is an immediate medical emergency, we suggest you contact a healthcare professional. For non-urgent requests, please

call back during our regular hours. I'm not sure it bodes well for a food company to assume you might be calling with a healthcare emergency, but this is America, so okay. Not deterred, I call their media line. I want to find out about those discontinued Rice Krispie treats. You have reached the Kellogg Company media hotline. If you are a reporter, producer, or member of the media, please press one. I pushed one. Sorry, we cannot connect your call at the moment. Please

try again later. I don't want to get into it here, but I often find this with America and phones. You just don't get anywhere. That'll be a separate episode. Anyway, defeated, I went back to Thomas, who didn't really care because he was just moaning about other discontinued cereals.

Another one that is sad is apple cinnamon toast crunch. Apple pie is one of my favorite things. It was the closest thing you could get to apple pie in a cereal bowl. I think they discontinued that in 2019, and that's one I'll miss forever. I wonder if maybe the reason they discontinue cereals is just to make way for the new ones. If they weren't canceling some cereals as new ones came out, the grocery store would be nothing but cereal. Every aisle would just be cereal, cereal, cereal, cereal. I guess unless you're cereal, cereal, cereal, cereal. I guess unless you're really paying attention to the cereal industry, I think you go down the cereal aisle and be like, oh, there's maybe one or two new cereals here. And you do that once,

once every year or so. But Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I wasn't joking. I think they'll probably release in the next calendar year, six different variations on Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Frosted Flakes will do the same. Fruity Pebbles will have a couple of them. And initially, I thought I would be able to get to the end of reviewing all the new cereals. It would just be, no, I'm done. I don't have any more work to do. But they keep just making new things. There was one other thing I was wondering about. With all these new cereals, surely there would be some duds along the way. What's the worst misfire for a cereal that's launched that you've come across just a cereal that was a bad idea oh god i want to say the

sour patch kids cereal or the twinkies cereal or the peanut butter chocolate corn pops all three of those were like well the peanut butter one was slimy and disgusting. The Sour Patch Kids cereal is weird because it was so good as a Sour Patch Kids creation, but it wasn't a good cereal, period. Who wants a sour and sweet cereal in your milk? No one. It was a crazy idea. I'm glad they did it, but I didn't like it. The last one I mentioned was a Twinkies cereal, which just looked like, I don't know, bleached turds that you are eating in your bowl. I had one final important question for Thomas about cereal. My question was short and the answer very, very long. But what else could I expect from someone who calls themselves the cereal snob?

What is the correct milk level in a cereal bowl? This is a divisive question. And it's also a dynamic answer because I think depending on what cereal you're eating, there's different levels of milk that you should have. Well, I used to be in the sense that I pour basically as much milk as I possibly could in my cereal because I would finish the cereal, pour more cereal, and continue that process until I didn't want to eat anymore. But nowadays, I think it's actually so much better for me. I really love the crunch of the cereal.

So I pour just like the bottom third, and I just scoop it from the bottom that way. And if I need more milk, I can add more milk. But you can't remove milk once it's there, not really. So I think start with less, and then figure out your ratio of milk to cereal. But if you're eating, this is serious, if you're eating any crisped rice cereal like Fruity Pebbles, Cocoa Pebbles, Rice Krispies, you should put the milk first before the cereal.

That cereal is very buoyant. It floats. But it also gets soggy faster than anything in the whole world. And I think typically you should pour your cereal and then your milk. That's the process. But when it comes to crisp rice cereal, no, do it the other way around. You're going to have a better experience in the bowl. We'll stay crunchy or longer.

And crunchy is what cereal is all about. I guess at the end of the day, it's up to every American to decide not only what cereal they'll consume, but at what time of the day they'll consume it and with how much milk. America, land of freedom, land of 5,000 cereals. Huh. That was such a fun, weird episode.

Yeah, Thomas is good. His YouTube channel is A Cereal Snob and it is just him reviewing every cereal that comes out. And as you can tell, he's so engaged. Yes. And a simple ounce of light milk level just goes off on just a bonkers essay. He's committed. I forgot completely about Rice Krispie Treat cereal.

You yelped when you were listening to that. I fucking loved that cereal and totally forgot about it. Did it have gone? Yeah. That was my favorite too. That's so mad. So good. I'll send you guys his petition, which has been sitting there for years and apparently

being ignored. It's so confusing. So many people liked it. Why they would stop? Because I'm sure they made a ton of money. Would you buy it weekly right now if they made it still? I wouldn't, but I loved it. So you think you'd grow out of it the

older you get the healthier you get you're aware that it's terrible the less cereals you have in your pantry but fuck i would like to have it right now as a treat i will keep persisting with kellogg's because it was comical i called when they were definitely open and just every line went to a dead end. I'll keep trying them because it would be a great conversation to have. And I'm sure they want to have that conversation about who makes that decision. The other interesting thing is there is this market for cereal boxes as collector's items. So there's this whole secondary market, if you jump on eBay, where you can find this discontinued cereal, either just the box or

sealed with the cereal in it. Oh, my God. That's a whole other market. So you could potentially, maybe this is like your Christmas present. I shouldn't have bought this off on the go. Could have been a surprise. You know, like a 10-year-old box of your favorite old cereal. I mean, what it probably holds.

I mean, is it going to be that different? Wow. Also, I'm looking right now at a Wheaties box in this attic with Dax's face on it. And I'm remembering that's a whole thing, having the box, the characters, the slogans. No, literally, that was the next thing I wanted to raise. He talked about this at length, but it got so specific. I was like, I can't have this documentary rolling on for too long. But he went into how the box is so important because there's not many foods. We sit down to eat and you plonk this box down and the box is kind of engaging.

It is. It's a visual component. What's your memory? Because in New Zealand, we'd have characters and puzzles and stuff. Yeah. I think we had that little drawings and stuff on the back. Yeah. There's not many foods where you sit down and you pick up the box.

And you're like, oh, let's read this. Part of the experience, you're right. And there's toys in it. And there's toys, collectibles. Did you have toys in your New Zealand too? We had collector's cards. You collect all the rugby players. They're very sport-orientated again.

The cereal, Weet-Bix. Yeah, they had deals with the sports players. Weet-Bix is similar to wheaties it might be it was very wheat forward for it but yeah like we clicked all the cards now also what he said increasingly it's modernized and he's disappointed because he says the boxes are less creative what they do is there'll be a qr code and so for the modern child or adult you sit there with your box but you bring up your phone and there's stuff like augmented reality. Oh, wow. The fucking toucan can bounce up to you and eat cereal with you and all that kind of stuff.

Weird. I'm remembering one of the major results of the Mandela effect is the Raisin Bran box. I haven't heard this one. Do you remember the Raisin Bran box? Does the sun have sunglasses on or not? Oh, right. Right. Okay.

And everyone says, yes, it has sunglasses on. Yeah, I feel now you say that. I feel that was an icon of a scene. Yes, with a sun with sunglasses on, but it doesn't have sunglasses. But everyone remembers it with sunglasses. Oh, that's particularly wild. Yes. That's a really good example of the Mandela effect.

And there's also so many in America film tie-ins and TV tie-ins. There'll be the Jurassic Park cereal or the Avengers cereal. And all of that is so ingrained. Yeah. Ingrained? Oh, good job. I did a few of those while we were recording. You did?

You were firing off zingers the entire time. It was great. Maybe cereal can help you recover from your cold. Maybe if you have like a dose of healthy cereal, your body will be like, I've got all the tools I need to rebuild myself. And you'll be back to your usual self. Maybe.

I'll give it a whirl. Give it a go. I do feel a little sacrilegious because in America, I feel like real Americans love Fruity Pebbles. They're the thing. They are. I feel like if you're a kid who doesn't like Fruity Pebbles, you're stupid. But I was a kid who didn't like Fruity Pebbles.

I don't like Fruity Pebbles. I never liked it. Too fruity or too sweet? Too sweet. They're not fruity. Similar to the Fruity Loop? It's similar that it's just sugar bomb, but it's the shape of Rice Krispie Treats. Right, okay.

Well, it's not the shape, but it's the same effect where it's just this teeny, thin, nothing material that does get so soggy, just turns into a paste. Yeah, and it's just this horrible, like sloshy thing in your mouth. It's not for me. I'm going to try it just out of curiosity. You have to. I mean, I really like the chocolatey one. I love the chocolate, but I'll try the Fruity Pebbles

because everyone keeps bringing it up. You need Fruity Pebbles. I want you to try Life. Okay. And what about Cheerios? Do you have Cheerios? We don't have those in New Zealand. What?

I haven't tried those either. Yeah. I mean, you heard how long that taste test took for just three of them. Yeah, you're right. I couldn't enjoy it. It took me so long. You're right. But yeah, I'm going to try.

I'm going to start something more because I want to get through a few more of them to experience them. Also, I do want to find some that aren't as insanely sweet yeah cheerios besides this morning summit if you're going standard cereal i would say cheerios is the best for you yeah it's more like vincent will eat cheerios right not honey nut just regular cheerios i love honey nut i think something unique has happened in this episode where i think we've all become a bit more American Because you've remembered this American cereal you love That you've forgotten into the tides of time You've remembered that

I've tasted all these other American cereals That I've never tasted before Well, three of them So I think we're all done well I think so too And one thing that we've touched on In some of these previous episodes But I think is a recurring theme, is America loves nostalgia. Oh, yeah. We love it so much. And I have an armchair theory

that it's because we're not that old of a country. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're kind of making up for it and creating. Going so hard into these moments that aren't that in the distant past. Exactly. And cereal is such an indicator of nostalgia because it immediately transports you to childhood. Yeah, and I guess a lot of these ads use the similar themes and certainly the similar characters. And just the act of eating cereal

takes you back to childhood. If you are bored this week, jump on YouTube and just go like 60s and 70s cereal commercials because they come across like a serial killer has made them. They're all slightly deranged. There's a lot of clowns.

There's a lot of characters just doing very weird things around kids. It's very unsettling and very fun. Has anyone gone as a serial killer for Halloween where you're dressed up as a serial box? That's fun. They must have. It's really good. Oh, my God.

This was fun, and this. Oh, this was fun. And this was a good memory lane episode. Good memory lane. And we're all American. More American. I think so. Yeah. Really good.

But you have a little ways to go. More than three. You need like 10 under your belt before we can call it. Okay. Well, I'm off to the grocery store to get some chicken. Oh, yeah. To get some chicken and rice. To this dog.

And I'll throw a few more packs of cereal in for me. The dog can be slurping get some chicken. Oh yeah. To get some chicken and rice. And I'll throw a few more packs of cereal in for me. The dog can be slurping up its chicken and I'll be slurping up some cereal. Let's give you five to buy today. Okay. Life. Life. The Fruity Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles. Rob, do you want to give one you must give?

I mean, you need Cheerios. Okay. Cheerios. Yeah. Okay. Is there one with like a lion or a tiger on it? There is a tiger. Oh, there's Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes. Frosted Flakes. Yeah, that's the one with the tiger.

That's what I'm thinking of. Okay, I'll get those and I'll start with those. When he brought up Apple something, it reminded me of Apple Jacks. I loved Apple Jacks. It's still in existence. Yeah, they had good commercials, I think, too. What is an Apple Jack? I don't want to tell you.

I want you to try it and then tell us what you taste. Okay, I'm running out of Applejack. I'm guessing it won't be apples. No, good. Thank you for this. Okay, homework. This week was a big homework week. We had homework on Synced, this show, and Armchair.

Have you had Lucky Charms? No. Oh, fuck! It's marshmallows and then also little charms. Jesus, really? Like Cheerios, essentially? Yeah, in different shapes. And marshmallows in shapes.

Oh, that's incredible. I would get yelled at because I just eat the marshmallows. Yeah, of course, everyone would because the other part sucked. That's so American. You have to get... But it's like dehydrated marshmallow. Oh, my God. It gets in the milk.

It gets so slippery and glossy and kids are disgusting. I mean, it is wild how health conscious we've become aware. We're so aware of it. But cereal has somehow just coasted on through. It's as popular as ever. It's true. It's still increasingly deranged. And we're all into it.

I mean, it's kind of like I'm sort of into it. It's like just let loose. Go crazy. I like it. I mean, it's kind of like, I'm sort of into it. It's like, just let loose. Go crazy. I like it. It's a staple. It's an American staple. I do think there's like a weird conspiracy around the Lucky Charms being like satanic and the-

Oh, really? And the ones that taste bad. And then the Lucky Charms are like wholesome. I remember hearing something like that. I thought it was from you. Amazing. No, I don't think I've come up with that one. It sounds great though. Ooh. Time thought it was from you. Amazing. No, I don't think I've come up with that one. It sounds great, though.

Ooh. Time to bring back Armchair and Dangerous. Okay, but add that to the list because that's so American, Lucky Charms. Okay, great. Good pull, Rob. Oh, my God. This is another very American thing. You wanted to give me five.

Now I've got about 10. Go on, dude. It's like excess. And it is. It is. Honestly, you go to any other country and the cereal aisle, it's always big, but it's nothing like when you walk into a supermarket here i know a lot of people want to eye roll at that but i love it i remember the

first time i came here visiting and it was one of the things that just brought me so much joy was that aisle i was like america is so big everything is possible it's all here it's awful but also really magnificent and i really. And I really like it. I like it too. 5,000 different cereals. It's bonkers. New ones will drop next week. Oh!

I'm going to send you the link for that petition so you can sign it as well. Maybe with you two signing it, Kellogg's will push them over the edge. I can't wait. We've finally got those other two. We're bringing it back. They could at least bring it back for a month. They would bank. They would make so much it back for a month. They would bank. They would make so much money if they did a limited edition of it.

If someone at Kellogg's wants to send us some boxes of fresh Rice Krispies. Yeah, totally. If you're not from Kellogg's, you're listening absolutely. I mean, you wouldn't pack up your buddy phone when I was calling. So if you want to email, just email us. We'll take it. All right. All right.

Love you guys. Bye.