Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Flightless Bird: DMV

Episode Date: February 21, 2023

In this week’s Flightless Bird, David Farrier sets out for the DMV in an attempt to get his American driver’s license. By his side (and scared in the passenger seat) is Monica Padman, there to assist the New Zealander in his quest. Things take a turn when they discover Monica’s car is far too dirty. A diversion to a carwash, a quick quiche, and a lot of debate over the road rules take the pair to the DMV. Will David pass? What could go wrong? A whole lot, apparently. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, I'm David Farrier, and New Zealand are accidentally marooned in America, and I want to figure out what makes this country tick. Now I've been in America for over a year now, and I've started to amass a variety of American things. I've got a social security number and health insurance. I've got an American bank account and a bag full of quarters so I can use the shared laundry in my building. But one thing I can't use those quarters for is paying for parking,

because I don't have a car. And I don't have a car because I don't have an American driver's license. According to the DMV, I would have to sit a driving test. Over 27 million people in California have a driver's license. Over 227 million Americans have one, because America loves cars. So what would be more American than heading to the DMV to get my driver's license? Getting ready to take your California driving test can be overwhelming, even nerve-wracking. But if you study the California Driver Handbook and practice your driving skills, you should do just fine.

The DMV is meant to stand for Department of Motor Vehicles. But like all things in America, it's confusing. In some states like Alaska, it stands for Division of Motor Vehicles. Some states throw away DMV altogether. In Indiana, it's the BMV, the Bureau of Motor Vehicles. And in Oklahoma, there's the Department of Public Safety and the Tax Commission. California leads the way in licenses because there are so many drivers, 27 million of them. Then it's Texas, Florida and New York. Wyoming is the state with the least number of driving licenses. And while I have a New Zealand driver's license, I've been here for too long to use that. I'd end up in traffic court.

So hang on to that steering wheel and prepare to hit the gas, because this is the DMV episode. Now, I'm going to say right at the top, we recorded this documentary a while ago now. Yeah. It seems like a really long time ago. Yeah, it was. And I think I have sat on it for a while because it was so stressful. I still am stressed about this entire situation, which we'll find out in the documentary.

We sort of go in depth into things. I know, I feel like I can't really say anything. No, I mean, yeah, maybe we'll get into the doc sooner than we usually do and sort of talk about that. But it's funny, 16 is so young to get a license, right? Like 16-year-olds got a bit of growth to do. It doesn't feel it when you're that age.

You feel totally ready and prepared. But looking back now, yeah, 16 year olds. I mean, your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed. You're 15 when you get your permit. And that is so little. Yeah. Thinking about just driving in America in general, the roads are so much bigger here and so much more overwhelming. And also I've started following a lot of local news affiliates on Instagram. So I'm getting fed all this crime all the time. Oh. And there is so much car chase porn.

You know, and I know California is very specific, but I think all over America, there is a lot more chaos on the roads here. Yeah. Where literally there's a genre of news where you're just watching a car chase. That's true. Although, I don't know in other countries i feel like the rules are even less it's less policed yeah when i was in india when i was four oh my goodness yeah that would be a whole other kettle of fish this is a long time ago obviously it's changed but it was chaos like it was pure chaos. There are some places with very little rules,

and it's just 10 lanes of madness, right? It's not that. It's not that, but it is nutty. Did you see recently there was that Tesla driver? He was a big steroided up man in a Tesla, and you'd be on a freeway, and he would cut in front of you. He'd hit the brakes.

He'd stop on the freeway. You'd be forced to kind of stop, and you couldn't change lanes because people would be racing by on either side and he'd get out with like a big bat no and he'd just come up and destroy your car and then hop back in his tesla it's like a tesla bandit they caught him recently so they've got him now but there was this great fear in california driving i was driving with a friend and they were like i hope the tesla bandit doesn't strike i'm like what the fuck are you talking about no it's just this moron in a tesla full of steroids who was just destroying people's cars so i guess what i'm saying is the

idea of hitting the road it instills me with fear well like the bronco the oj simpson bronco one of the first big chases right huge exciting at least Exciting. At least that was a slow chase. At least it wasn't too speedy. Wait, it was not. It was fast, right? It was slower than like your 120 miles an hour kind of chaotic runs. Sure. Sometimes he was just gently cruising along almost.

Well, yeah. And I mean, I guess in America, although maybe this is in other countries, but we have drag racing and stuff. Cars going fast on the road is part of the DNA. Well, you've got the Fast and Furious franchise, right? It's one of the biggest franchises of all time. I grew up in New Zealand with that series and I love it. And that's all America. Yeah, America loves cars. All this fear is kind of like in me, I suppose.

But look, I need to get my driver's license. The DMV is sort of built up in my head because I've done all this in New Zealand, but it's smaller, you know? I hit the streets. I got some opinions on the actual DMV is sort of built up in my head because I've done all this in New Zealand, but it's smaller. You already did it. You know? Yeah. I hit the streets. I got some opinions on the actual DMV experience because stories vary.

Sure. Do you have a DMV experience? I've heard it's hellish in there. The DMV is pretty bad. It's usually just a long wait, but if you get someone good, you're probably good to go. What was your last experience at the DMV? Very positive. Yeah, it wasn't great.

I took my driving test when I was 16, which was about four years ago for me. Just very slow. No one there was happy to help you. That's pretty much how anything with the government goes here. At the DMV, it was fine. I'm from Michigan, so it was quick and simple. Oh, I had to change my last name because I got married. Congratulations.

Was it a good experience or a bad one? It actually was really fast. It was a really good experience, shockingly, yeah. What was your last experience at the DMV? Terrible. It was at least an hour away and that was in West Virginia with a population of 1.8 million people. My last experience was two years ago when I got my driver's license when I was 16. It was very laid back because this was in the middle of COVID

and I think I was one of the only people taking my driver's test. Stereotypically the driver's test is oh you have to get in the car with the instructor, drive around the community, maybe go on the highway and then come back. All I had to do was park in the cones. So they told me to park in the cones and then take a right turn. And then they were like,

cool, you have your driver's license. I'm so angry at this. I'm taking my driver's test next week and I'm terrified of this whole scenario. So yeah, I guess that was one little plus during COVID was really easy driving you should have gone i'm an idiot i didn't do it this also does remind me though of learning to drive oh my god everyone has that story where a likely a parent in my case your dad my dad

yep took me to this big parking lot same we. We did a parking lot in New Zealand. Yeah. Kind of like, I guess, where you take someone to learn how to ride a bike. And the panic I could feel emanate. Also, my mom refused. She was like, I'm not going to be the person, which was right. She would have ruined. Did you take to it or was it a while to get?

My dad said I was a natural. Right. Automatic or manual? Oh, my God. Automatic. I still can't. My dad made me learn in a manual. A bit like my dating philosophy from another Valentine's episode.

So I learned with the hardest thing and then go to an automatic. Anyway. You were able to do that. Took a while. Like lots of bunny hops. Like when you're changing gears. And it's weird because driving is that thing where when you don't know how to do it, a while like lots of bunny hops like when you're changing gears and it's weird because driving is that thing where when you don't know how to do it it's so unnatural it's like do

the clutch do the brake do that and you can be told that but doing it is so alien yeah and then once you can do it you'll never think about it again that's fascinating because i still don't know how to drive a stick and i would love to learn but but why bother like if you don't need to don't bother right but it's a cool skill i think it's like a cool skill it feels like you're really driving it feels it gives you something to do as well when you're bored in the car like you're changing gears and you're doing more stuff i feel embarrassed going to learn at this age this is reminding me of liz who doesn't know how to drive. Oh, at all. No. She lives in New York, so she doesn't need to. But when she's here,

it does pose a little bit of a problem. But when we were recording Race to 35, she had looked out the window as I was driving in and she said, you look so cool driving. Just envious. You had like one hand. I was like, yeah. I mean, it didn't boost my ego a little bit. I was like, I do look cool. That's how I feel when still when I see people smoking. I'm like, wow, you look so cool. I have that feeling.

Okay. Yeah. But it is cool that you drive. That's really nice. It is cool. It is cool. It's cool. It's a feather in our caps.

I mean, I have some issues with your car, which we'll get to, but I'll just start the doc. This is my journey towards my driver's license. A phone call. I know. I know. It's weird, right? I love it.

No one calls anyone anymore. No one does it. I know. Sometimes you just got to pick up the blower. What's up? I've decided to call Fleur, my friend from New Zealand. She moved to America a long time ago. So whenever I can't figure something out, I call Fleur.

She's always ready with advice and knowledge. You've done the driver's license thing here, right? You've got a license. I do. I have a license. Do you have any advice? Because I've booked myself in to the DMV. here right you've got a license i do i have a license do you have any advice because i've booked myself in to the dmv so i've got to go in there and i think i take my theory test yes you

take your written first any tips uh practice you can find fake ones online because they do stupid things like triple negatives and they make you push in your own sanity what's a triple negative it's like a double negative for triple like i didn't not not think I was turning left. Oh, God. OK, they really try and catch you out. Yeah, but that's just all American bureaucracy, really. The few times I've tried it, driving in America feels weird to me. For one thing, we drive on the other side of the road in New Zealand.

Plus, the steering wheel is on the other side as well. I've lost count of the number of times I've gone to get in a friend's car here in America and gotten into the driver's seat instead of the passenger side. And if I pass that, then I do my practical test. How do I drive my car to the test place if I'm not allowed to drive yet? You have to have insurance and you have to take a full driver's license person with you. And it's really dumb. And especially if you don't own the car, you have to take a full driver's license person with you. And it's really dumb. And especially if you don't own the car, you have to take someone who owns the car.

I mean, I need the license to get the car, really, don't I? Luckily, I knew I had Monica Padman to help me. She had a car, a perky little Prius. And I like to think she'd let me use it to do the test. I say goodbye to Fleur and log into dmv.ca.gov. This was my first experience with a Californian DMV and I feel apprehensive. What was your last experience at the DMV? Terrible. I've been at my computer for so long trying to log in to dmv.ca.gov. So long, trying to log in to dmv.ca.gov.

Here we go again. The website has quite a nice colour scheme, a cool, peaceful blue. But I don't feel peaceful. Like most government websites I've logged into here, it's a bit of a nightmare. I spent so much time just sitting in front of a laptop, typing things, going in endless login circles. Eventually I get in, and then it's a long list of questions. The DMV is very, very nosy. What colour are my eyes?

Brown. Colour is my hair. Oh, I mean it was brown, but it's going grey. Gotta pick one. It's more brown than grey. Next. How tall are you? Next.

Do you plan on using your driver's license to fly? Oh, like to get access to a plane, not to fly a plane Not to be a pilot of a plane All this just so I can get through to booking the theory test for the driver's license Do you wish to be an organ donor? Of course I don't want my organs when I'm dead When I've died in a horrific car crash Eventually, I'm given an appointment for my

written test. I download the California Driver's Handbook, pages and pages of instructions and illustrations about how to drive in the United States of America. As I flick through, everything is different. Instead of signs proclaiming give way, they just say yield. The speeds are all different, plus they're in miles per hour instead of kilometers per hour. The fast lane is always on the left, not the right. I download some of the sample tests Fleur had suggested, and I seem to be doing okay. There are a few questions that keep throwing me. Like Americans are obsessed with what way their wheels are turning when they're parked on a hill. Look, I get it. If you roll down the hill, you want the car to turn towards the curb so you stop. But what the heck? Are Americans forgetting to put the parking

brake on? Are their parking brakes breaking all the time? Anyway, the day arrives for the big test. It's about an hour's walk to the DMV. I'm walking because I don't have a car, because I don't have a license. So I'm quite sweaty because it's quite hot. So I'm going to turn up to the DMV sweaty. I've got my passport, my visa, proof of my address, some credit card statements. I'm ready, as ready as I'll ever be. I feel a certain level of anxiety, not because the test's hard, but because the opposite. It's really

easy, right? It's like you're approaching a pedestrian crossing. Do you run the people over or stop? So my fear is that I'll fail and it will be embarrassing. It'll be the most embarrassing test to fail because it's so easy. That's my main worry about all this. Stay tuned for more Flightless Bird. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. Flightless Bird is brought to you by Helix Sleep. Now, there are two main things I like in life besides making this show, napping and sleeping.

And both of those activities I do on my Helix Sleep mattress. Now, I got my mattress about a year ago because I wanted to use it before I talked about it and I really like it. I've got a bad back because I injured it ages ago and this bed is giving me the best sleeps I've had in ages. Occasionally friends visit from New Zealand and because I live in a one-bedroom apartment I get the couch and they get the bed and they like it too. Now Helix Sleep is a premium mattress brand that provides tailored mattresses based on your unique sleep preferences. The Helix lineup includes 14 unique mattresses including a collection of luxury ones, a mattress

for big and tall sleepers, that's me I'm very tall, and even a mattress made just for kids. Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences. To find the mattress for you, you just take the Helix Sleep Quiz online like I did and find your perfect mattress for you in under two minutes. Your personalized mattress is shipped straight to your door free of charge. Helix is offering up to 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash bird. This is their best offer yet, and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now.

This episode of Flightless Bird is brought to you by Primal Kitchen. I got some of their ketchup, and an Australian friend was in town. In Australia, similar to New Zealand, we have similar foods, and they made sausage rolls. kitchen. I got some of that ketchup and an Australian friend was in town. Australia is similar to New Zealand. We have similar foods and they made sausage rolls. He bought the dough, he made the dough, wrapped the meat up, put it in the oven. And the thing that makes a saucy roll is ketchup. And you supplied the ketchup. Oh yeah. Primal Kitchen ketchup. It was the organic one. They do an unsweetened. The organic one is the one that I use because it tastes like being in New Zealand and getting like a hit of the best ketchup I've ever tasted in my life. So yeah. I really like their mayo because it has avocado oil. So it's a really nice, fatty,

delicious oil. I want to do a mayo episode of the show because Americans are obsessed with mayo in a way that New Zealanders aren't. Oh my god, we should do a mayo taste test. Oh yeah, I'm so down. I'm discovering mayo for the first time. And I love that these guys have that as well. Now it's the new year, resolution season, and it's easy to cook more and cook well with Primal Kitchen condiments and sauces. They've got a lot of amazing products that have quickly become favorites for us.

So yeah, Primal Kitchen products are made with high quality ingredients, good fats from plant-based oils, no artificial sweetener, and most importantly, delicious flavor. Listeners to Flightless Bird can save 20% at primalkitchen.com slash flightlessbird or find Primal Kitchen products at your favorite local grocery store or retailer. I've booked myself into the Hollywood DMV, which seems to be one of the most chaotic. I figure baptism by fire is the best option. Now serving G066 at window number 10. I hand over my passport, my main source of ID in America, seeing as I don't have a US license. I get my eyes checked.

A, D, F, K, L, M, S. I pass with flying colors. I'm handed a form, and I wait some more. And then I'm led into a little room with little booths. This is it. Oh my God, that was so tense. I passed. Oh, I feel relief, excitement, this potential new life now.

Imagine having a car. It was so stressful because I did the test run on the internet and it was 10 questions in the test. But the test I just took was about 30 questions. And I also, I feel like I definitely got more than three wrong. Just because I was sort of rushing through and maybe because I'm a bit dumb. But it was very different to what I thought it would be. But I'm so happy. Walking home, I kept thinking about it.

And I realized that I think you get three attempts to pass. I think what happened is I kept failing and the test just kept repeating. So I guess on attempt three, I got enough questions correct to pass. Most exciting of all, I now had a form with a date for my practical driving test, the day I'd hit the road to prove I had the right stuff. The big day arrives. I get dressed, splash some cold water on my face, and head outside to meet Monica, who's agreed to drive me to my test. My friend just texted me saying when he took his test, he failed twice before he'd even left the yard.

One time, his tyre bumped over the curb, and I think the other time, I don't know what happened the other time, but he failed twice. Oh my God. I don't even know what the speed limits are. Is it 35? As in New Zealand we do kilometres per hour, but here it's miles. It's a different thing.

It's a sunny day, a good day for driving. And one of the dirtiest cars I've ever seen pulls up to the curb. Here it is, what a beauty. Wow, it's so dirty. Okay, are we What a beauty. Wow, it's so dirty. Okay. Are we going to get in trouble that it's so dirty? Monica peers out from her Prius,

looking like she's just emerged from a long trip through some sort of dust storm. Her tiny Prius is usually shiny and white, but this is a dusty brown mess. Looks like it's in a war zone and someone's disguised it to look like dirt so we don't get shot at.

Okay, so we debated this a lot. Monica has a brand new car and she said we should take that. But I said if we turned up to the DMV in a shiny Mercedes, they'd hate me and there's more of a chance to fail me. I suggested we take her old car,

the Prius, and they might take pity on me. Look, this reasoning probably says more about the mindset of a New Zealander than anything about America. Should we swap over? I'll drive. Yeah. And you can teach me. It's so dirty. I know. What happened? I don't know. It's just been parked in my driveway and I'm kind of angry because I feel like it hasn't been there for long enough for it to look like this. I convinced Monica to take her old car, but looking at it now, I'm wondering if I've made a terrible, terrible mistake. Anyway, we're here now. There's no stopping this roller coaster.

There's no getting off. I get into the driver's seat, as I assume I might as well have a free driving lesson from Monica on the 20-minute drive to the test. This is the emergency brake, if they ask you about that. We call that handbrake in New Zealand. Okay, it's called the emergency brake here, the e-brake. Oh, you're doing good. Yeah, I'm remembering. Oh my God, your knees are touching the wheel.

Monica's car is small. I am very big. All of my limbs are touching a surface. There's just not enough room. Everyone arrives at a stop sign. Yep. At the same time, what do I do? It's the person who arrives first, and then it goes in order to the left. But the part that I still don't know is if everyone literally comes at the exact same time to a screeching halt. Yeah, they're all there.

What happens? Look, really, people just go willy-nilly. What speed is it in a residential area like this? I'm going 22 miles an hour. That's too slow. Too slow? Yeah, I think 35. Right on red.

What? We don't have right on red. I can go now, right, If there's not a car coming. If there's not a car, you can turn right, right now. So this is okay? Um, yep. Then no pedestrians. Double check for pedestrians both ways.

Do you know how outrageous it is that you can essentially run a red light in America? I'm blown away by all the cars around me. I mean, America loves vehicles. It has around 296 million of them, only topped by China, which has 305 million. Compare that to New Zealand, which has about 4.5 million cars. But here's the thing. Both America and New Zealand are car-obsessed. And when it comes to vehicles per capita, America and New Zealand are neck and neck

in the top 10 car-loving countries on the planet. In America, there are 8.9 cars per 10 people. In New Zealand, there are 8.8 cars per 10 people. Here's the thing. You are not obligated to turn right on red. You're not. But you live in Los Angeles and people gotta get places and they're gonna be honking at you.

Yes. So you do need to be aware. You need to turn right on red if you can. Careful though because there are some places there are signs that say no right on red. So you be aware of that in case he takes you to one of those places. Okay.

Because they'll be trying to trick me. They're tricksters. Yeah, they're going to try to trick you. And someone behind you, this happened to me. I was at a no ride on red. I was stopped and someone behind me was honking. They wanted me to go so bad. And I was like, I'm not going. I'm following the rules. Good. They'll be precious. As we've been driving, we both notice the mirrors are dusty too, as well as the windows. That might be an instant fail. We need to get clean. Should we get a car wash? This makes me so anxious. Okay, for some back... Green means...

Go. Green means go. That's good. Why don't you try switching lanes? Okay. Monica keys a car wash into Google Maps. We'll stop there on the way. Will he take you on the interstate? I hope not. Oh my god. I don't want to be on there.

I don't think he will. Well, he might because he might want to see you merge. Okay, don't. Okay, David just... He's crossing. David just gave someone the bird. They tooted me when I was waiting for someone to cross. If your phone rings...

Answer it. No! Oh my God. Hands free? Absolutely hands free. You may not touch your phone in the car. What if it's Dex calling and it's about the show? They won't care.

They will not care. Okay, you can go. You just got honked again. As I've been driving, I've noticed Monica doesn't seem to be all that at ease with my driving. So you're going pretty slow. I'm so nervous. There's so many hazards everywhere, aren't there, in LA? I'm feeling pretty anxious.

We're not going to make it through this. No, we will. Okay. Keep in mind, this is the first time I've driven. Okay, good. You're going to have to. In a long time. You're going to have to.

Okay, you. Oh, boy. Did you do your signal before you turned just now? I decided to do it after. Sort of as an afterthought. I didn't know what we were in for. I really didn't know. If I do get my license, they're going to revoke it off me when they hear this show.

I'm not sure what it could be. Certainly not the stress of my driving through the middle of Hollywood. But Monica's also starting to sound a bit grumpy. Turn left here. Have you been to this car wash before? I have. But this one takes forever, so we need to see if there's like a drive-through. Okay, this is good. You're going to be turning left, and you're going to look for pedestrians.

No one's coming, so go. Yes. We pull into the car wash, and a friendly-looking man approaches. But as he looks at the state of the car, his eyes narrow. Hi. I'm taking my driving test in half an hour, so I think I might need to clean the car or they might fail me. It's impossible to clean this car. It's too dirty? Too dirty. Have you ever seen a car this dirty before? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. 33 years I do this job. I see more than that. What's the dirtiest car you've ever seen? The RV. After Burning Man.

Still, he says our car is bad. Impossible for the car wash. We'll have to get his team of humans onto it. Oh my God. It's too dirty for a car wash to clean. While the car's getting cleaned, we duck next door to get some caffeine in our veins. I need to be awake for this test.

Monica brags that she passed her driving test on the first go. I don't know anyone. I literally don't know anyone who's failed this portion of the test. In New Zealand, you have to be 18 to get a license. I can't believe it's 16 here in America. I think Monica can sense my nerves, so she offers to get me a treat. I wouldn't mind maybe a Twix to celebrate afterwards if I pass. Yeah, I'll have the hostage.

And don't give it to me. Yep. I need up the stakes with this Twix bar. I'm going to give it to you whether you fail or pass. Just so you know. 47. Thank you. While Monica is confident, the cafe staff are less so.

Did you guys pass your driving test the first time? Yes, I did. Failure. Took me twice. What did you do wrong? I didn't back up in a straight line. One of my friends did it. She said that she rolled to a stop and she almost got into an accident.

Everyone I've talked to so far is like, yeah, I definitely didn't pass it the first time. He didn't back up in a straight line. When we're leaving the car wash, practice backing out in a straight line of the car wash. We're starting to get behind schedule, but Monica decides to order a quiche. I think it's good you'll have something to eat while I'm out on the streets getting my test. Because I'll be starving and I'll be worried about you. How are we doing for time? Do we know? It's 9.37.

I am the type of person who needs, like, if I have a big thing like this, I would need to be there very early and feel very calm like for auditions I would always leave so early. We dash back out to the car wash and it's like we're looking at an entirely new car. Oh it's looking so good clean. Great wow. With a clean Prius there's no more excuses this is. We set off for our final destination, the DMV. Stay tuned for more Flightless Bird. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors. Flightless Bird is brought to you by ZocDoc.

Okay, so if you're like me, or most of the people on the planet, you've been stewing about a health problem that you have, or you think you have. You may remember the lump problem I told you about a while ago. Anyway, you almost always resort to messaging a group chat, or several group chats if you're me, to get your friends' opinions. But shock and horror, and sorry to be the one to tell you this, but unless your friends are doctors or geniuses of some kind, you're extremely unlikely to find quality medical advice in a group chat. But you can find it from a doctor on ZocDoc. Thousands of medical professionals on ZocDoc are there to help you.

They listen like a friend and give you the expert care you need. ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. No more Dr. Roulette or scouring the internet for questionable reviews. With ZocDoc, you have a trusted guide to connect you to your favorite doctor you haven't met yet. Go to ZocDoc.com slash flightless and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash flightless. ZocDoc.com slash flightless. Flightless Bird is brought to you by Indeed. Now, what's better than finding quality candidates?

Finding them instantly. So for a powerful hiring partner, you need Indeed. Indeed is the hiring platform where you can attract, interview, and hire all in the one place. Don't spend hours on multiple job sites looking for candidates with the right skills when you can do it all with Indeed. Find top talent fast with Indeed's suite of powerful hiring tools like Indeed Instant Match, assessments, and virtual interviews. Hate waiting? Indeed's US data shows over 80% of Indeed employers find quality candidates whose resume on Indeed matches their job description the moment they sponsor a job. Something I love about Indeed is

that it makes hiring all in the one place so easy because with Instant Match, as soon as you sponsor a post, you get a short list of quality candidates whose resumes on Indeed match your job description. Indeed knows when you're growing your own business, you have to make every dollar count. That's why with Indeed, you only pay for quality applications that match your must-have job requirements. Visit indeed.com slash bird to start hiring now. Just go to indeed.com slash bird. Indeed.com slash bird. Terms and conditions apply. Cost per application pricing not available for for everyone need to hire you need indeed okay monica's gonna take a quick break as the story climaxes really going into a lot of detail in this documentary about the journey to the quiche the quiche was a big part it was a lot of quiche stunk of quiche i had to just wash my clothes

they all stunk of fucking quiche afterwards how How dare you? You love that quiche. How is it? Because I think it's funny sometimes when you listen back to yourself being recorded and I notice how stressed out you were getting. Yeah. What did you think of your grumpy voice? Okay. First of all, I was not grumpy.

I was in a perfectly good mood that day. I just noticed as the driving went on, it started a bit lighter and you seem to be getting a bit more tense during the drive i was surprised at your lack of knowledge about the american road system yeah and i was was starting to get anxious that this might not go well yeah you'd lost some confidence in me i did who was driving you around some intense bits of road in Hollywood. And I was very regretful that we didn't take the Mercedes. Yeah, you're kicking yourself for not pushing it more. Because I really pushed back on the Mercedes.

I was like, they're going to think it's too fancy pants. And Dak said the same thing. He corroborated that theory with you. Such a dusty mess of a car. It was fucking disgusting. I could not believe it when I walked up. It was at my house. I drove to my house to pick up the car, saw that it was in horrible shape.

I didn't have the key. I had to basically break into Dax and Chris's house. They were not there because the key was at their house. It was a whole to-do. You know what, though? This reminded me. It's not fair. My Prius does not have a backup camera.

Like my Mercedes, it will beep at you if something's coming. It's very dependent on what kind of car you have. Yeah, you take a fancier car and it's going to give you all this help. Yes. And I've got this. I mean, your car is going to give you all this help right and i've got this i mean your car's gonna be no help so i drove this before you lent it to me so there's this weird thing for six months i'm allowed to drive on my new zealand license after that six months that becomes dicey and if you get pulled over they can take you to traffic court yeah so i borrowed that

fucking prius for a while when i first got here. The tire blew up on the freeway. So I'd been for a swim. So I decided, for one thing, a bold call, but not to get changed to the pool. I just wrapped a towel around myself because I was going home. I'm jumping in that Prius and going home. Your tire blew up on the way home. And so I had to violently go across all these rounds of traffic. And then I had to figure out how to get someone to help me.

And I was on the freeway in this towel. It was so scary. This car is cursed. Hey. I just knocked on wood because it's a very reliable car. The only bad things that have happened in it are when you are in it. And look, to be honest, hearing this, knowing how little you know about driving, I can't believe I even let you that car to drive around. You should have seen how it was treated. Should have tested you before I lent it to you. Obviously, I studied the handbook,

the driver's handbook, and I thought I'd gotten a lot of things together. But when I was really out there with you, I realized how little I knew. Oh, can I give a little hint, tip, trick and tip? Please. The car wheels, the way you turn them on a curb, not a hill. Oh, yeah. I mean, we had to learn that for our driver's test, but that's never applicable in Georgia. You're not really on hills. Oh, so that's California specific. No, it's on the Georgia test, but you're never in the actual scenario. But here you are a lot and you will get a ticket if your wheels are not turned the right way. It's so weird. When are cars rolling back down hills?

Like when is this ever happening? It's wild to me. But a trick is up, up and away. Okay, please, that does not help me. Yes, of course. Up, up. If you're uphill, you turn the tires away from the curb. Up, up, and away.

It's a perfect hint. I made it up myself. That's a good one. Yeah, because I made it up. And I think it's great. You made that? Yeah. Monica, that's such a great little trick.

Thank you. Okay, thank you. Okay, I'm going to... We'll get back into our... Let's do it. Horror journey. We have a lot left to go. We're five minutes away from the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Monica is halfway through her quiche. It is interesting where you take your driver's test. So I took mine in Georgia, obviously. That's where I got my license. But because of the timing, we went to this DMV two hours away, kind of in the middle of nowhere. My dad took me. And so it was an easy place to pass it because there wasn't like, you're not taking a test in the middle of Hollywood Boulevard.

Yeah, potentially I have picked one of the more hectic areas to take the test in. In New Zealand, we take a Lord of the Rings approach to driver's licenses. One ring to rule them all. One license works everywhere in New Zealand. But in America, licenses are issued by each state. I'd assume the federal government would do it, so one size fits all. But no,

to drive in California, I'd need a Californian driver's license. If you get your driver's license in another state, when I moved to LA, I had to take the written portion, but I didn't have to retake the driving portion. Did Dax pass this the first time? Do you know? If he didn't, that is the reveal of a lifetime. I would guess yes, since he's been driving since he was like two years old. But he does hate authority. And I could see him getting violent. As we've been talking, I've been waiting for a very slow old man to use the pedestrian crossing before I turn.

He's not in front of me anymore, but he's still on the crossing. So I've just been waiting. No, David, you cannot wait till that person crosses all the way over. You are going to get honked at, you're going to feel pressure and then you're going to hit someone on a bike. Fuck, I'm nervous that that is a rule and just that it's one of those rules that nobody follows. I'm not sure what to think. I'm sure I read the road rules book that if anyone is anywhere on the pedestrian crossing, I have to wait. Even if they're on the other side of the road.

I'm not saying I don't trust Monica, but I don't entirely trust Monica. I'll call Dax and see if he answers. Oh, good call. Hi, Dax. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm really good. I just had a really quick question for you. If there's a pedestrian crossing and they've got the little white man in that crossing, do I have to wait till they're completely off the pedestrian crossing till i turn yeah from the second they step off the sidewalk until they get back on the sidewalk

you are supposed to stay completely still no are you serious yeah i do not abide by that no one does oh my god i'm so glad we called you because i just told him you could. I'm actually FaceTiming Dex, which is probably quite bad when you're driving. And he notices the fluffy microphone on the recorder I'm using to make the podcast. And then I have to say, I only saw the top of it and I thought, my goodness, he's brought a cat to his driving test. This is just a little windsock. Which made more sense than, oh, that must be some kind of recording equipment. This is just a little windsock. Which made more sense than, oh, that must be some kind of recording equipment. Yeah.

I wish I had a cat on my lap. You know we're at your favorite place on Earth. Where are you, actually? Disneyland. How depressing. You can see the hierarchy here. I'm after the DMV, and Dax, quite possibly turning into a Disney adult, is having a great day at Disneyland.

Disney or DMV, what would you pick? Of course the mom has to take the sun. Dax, did you pass your driving test on the first try? Yeah. You know what I got warnings for was I was a little cocky. I was driving with one hand, and they were like 10 and and 2 and I said, I know, but for real. 10 and 2, that's a good thing to remember. Are your clocks in New Zealand position the same way as ours, David? Just 12 at the top.

Yeah, our clocks are very similar to America's clocks, yes. Then you should be fine. It's 10 and 2 then. I'm a bit stressed about the whole thing because I did so many things wrong even on the test drive with Monica just now. People tooting at you all the time even when you're doing the right thing, people toot you here for doing the right thing, you know? Well I'd argue you're liable to get tooted at, specifically for doing the right thing, i.e. waiting at a sub sign for three seconds. Bullshit. Too long. Let's go. And I guess we're all having our own little ride here today.

We're taking, you're going to be on the car's ride, and I'm going to be on the car's driving test. It's sort of similar, isn't it? Have you considered trying to get your motorcycle's permit while you're down there? Two birds, one stone. I haven't thought about that yet. I think I'll do that at a different time, maybe under your instruction. Now that's a challenging episode.

Like what you're doing right now is foreplay, but if you want to deep dick, let's do an episode on you getting your motorcycle's license. I'm not ready to deep dick anything, so I hang up. I can see the DMV looming in front of us. I feel like it's taken an eternity to get to this moment and it's finally arrived. Oh no, you look so scared. I haven't felt this much pressure in such a long time. I think the last time I felt this much pressure was the first time I had sex. That was over very quickly. I hope today would be more successful for everyone involved. It'll be fine. You get your twigs either way more successful for everyone involved. It'll be fine.

You get your Twix either way. Just take a breath and you'll be great. So we're... I'm taking my little boy to get his driver's license. This is so cute. I'm so happy. It's your oversized child. Yeah, I'm a city.

Time for Sydney's driving test. So we're approaching the DMV now. It doesn't have a lot of character, this building. This is something for you to remember. He wants to give you the license, or she. Yeah, they're not out to trick me. Yeah. Okay, now that's a good point.

You also be aware of tricks. The doors of the DMV slide open, and we enter. The doors of the DMV slide open and we enter. Down 30, 5, 0, 0, 7, at window number 13. Okay, so they made us turn the recorder off inside, but we have run into a slight problem at the desk. She said that we need to show my driver's license, my registration for the car, and my insurance for the car. I did have the registration, but I don't have a current insurance card. That one in there is expired.

I do have current insurance. I just don't have the card. So now I need. I love now. I love now that you're a little bit flustered as well. Now you're feeling what I'm feeling. This is good. Is it?

Is it good that you put me in this position? We go back outside and Monica digs around in her glove box for papers. She makes some calls and she makes some more calls and somehow manages to get her insurance details. The test is back on. We get in our car and get in line. We're back on. Okay, that was scary. That got a little bit.

It got hairy. It got hairy, got anxiety provoking. And David wanted to quit. And I said, no, we're pushing through this. Okay, we're number two now. Moving on up. Don't hit that guy. A woman appears in DMV uniform.

She has a clipboard in hand. So I know things are about to get serious. I've been hoping Monica could just sit in the back with her quiche, but the woman with the clipboard banishes Monica from the car. I'm left alone. Bye. Thank you. Good luck, David. Thank you. All right. Okay, I'll take my quiche the heck out of here. I hand Monica my recorder so she can document things from outside the car. This is what she recorded. Off he goes. My little sinny.

All grown up. Okay, he's turning on the windshield wipers. He's done that well. Did his turn signals. Stepped on the brake. Then, disaster. Uh-oh, fuck, they're calling me back over. Look, to cut a long story short,

Monica's horn didn't work. She had no horn, and with no horn, I'm not even allowed to leave the lot. It turns out this test was like my first sexual experience after all. Practically over before it had really even started. Oh my fucking... It wasn't meant to happen. So, at the end of the day, your car was the failure.

Wasn't it this beautiful mechanical failure? Mechanical fucking failure. You've got no toot on your horn. I feel a lot of things right now. I feel incredibly annoyed. It's like it was something out of our control. I'm sorry, I wasted your whole day. No, you didn't waste it.

We're being on a journey together. I think we've learned about our approaches to stress and to life. I just feel so happy because my stress is gone. I'm like, thank God I don't need to do this yet. But we needed to get it done. We do need to get it done. I mean, basically, it's punishment for any guilt you feel for your horn not honking. It just means you have to come back and do this again at the DMV.

Another day at the DMV. We're going to do another day at the DMV. We're going to do a round two. This is a cliffhanger, y'all. Part one of... Ten. Part one of ten. That series.

It'll take us through next year. Okay, well, I think here's one thing I'll say. We both got very American. The DMV could not be more American. Slow lines, American government, fuck. Admin,

just administration, forms. Exactly. People yelling. Okay, well, alright. 100% more American, zero driver's license. I mean, what a journey into failure, wasn't it? Oh, revisiting that was making me feel sweaty. And that was cut back from some other administrative chaos that went on as well. Yeah.

There was a few back and forths. There was a lot of back and forths. I gave the Mercedes registration on accident. I was ready to just leave multiple times. I know. And you pushed on. And that would have been so amazing if we had actually taken this. But look, the good thing is, you know, we recorded this a long time ago, that outing.

I have still been too scared to rebook it. So I'm going to do that very soon. And we're going to go back in there. I've been studying up on the road code great when i've been driving with friends i've been like looking at what they've been doing okay looking at speeds and studying and so i think it was all for a reason and on my end i have replaced my horn and got everything in order. Great. Not to throw you under the bus. But? But I was a little angry at you because. Since that.

Because the night before I texted you, I said, is there anything we need to have? And you said no. And there were things we needed. There were so many papers that you needed. So many. So many documents. So much proof that your car was roadworthy. And none of that was there. And so that was a huge issue.

But on the plus side, you could have saved my life. Because what if I was driving that car and someone was going to hit me and I didn't have a horn? Completely. You've got the horn now. A horn is so important. You only realize you need a horn when you've got the horn now a horn so important you only realize you need a horn when you really really need it in retrospect the horn made sense that it wasn't working because the last five months i was driving it i maybe honked my horn like twice i never use it but both times i did that i would just like beep and beep, and it would go, it would go, beep.

It would never stop. And I would like slam and slam because it sounded so aggressive. Were you playing? I forgot about it. So you were, you just, that corner's absolutely wrecked the whole time. For a while, yeah, but I forgot. So the test, what if it hadn't fully broken and I'd gone a little too and it just blared out for 20 seconds?

That would have been horrific. You set me up in a way to fail, potentially. Listen, when you move on to a Mercedes, you just forget. You knew that horn was wrecked before we went in. I forgot. I didn't even consider the fact that they make you honk it. Will you go back in with me when I do round two? Of course. Mornings or afternoons are better for you. When do go back in with me when I do round two? Of course.

Mornings or afternoons are better for you. When do I book it for? Let's do morning, just in case this happens again. We set off at 4 a.m., probably, knowing our history. Get there about 10 a.m. We have to stop at the car wash on the way. Car wash, coffee, quiche. You're going to take the Mercedes this time, though, right?

I was going to say, how do you feel about that? I'll take the Mercedes. Okay, don't crash it though. You got good insurance? That car's nice. If I crash it, it'll be covered with your insurance? I don't have insurance. It'll be covered. Great.

Yeah, but I like that car. I can always iron out the dings. It'll be fine. Oh my god, that is morbid. Do you think anyone's ever died on their driving test? Oh, that's actually a really goodid. Do you think anyone's ever died on their driving test? Oh, that's actually a really good question. I have no doubt it has happened at some point. Yeah.

Oh, horrific. I tried to get someone from the DMV to talk for this episode. None of them responded. So I would love to know their side. And we do give a lot of shit to the DMV, I think, because it is administrative hell. But we met a couple of really lovely. We did. We met some real baddies and some real

goodies and it was there was no one in between yeah they're either angelic or like demons yeah and we had a couple different people who were going to do the test with you and one was super nice i want that person yeah we wanted that person and the other one we someone slightly less kind that's right but hey i'm sure they all do a great job they all do a great job we'll go back we'll do a morning i'm gonna get my license and then i can road trip for this podcast more we should ask if anyone works the dmv that wants to talk to you for part two oh yeah if anyone works the dmv just slide into my dms i would love to talk to you maybe get a bit of help into this. Slide into your DMs. Yeah, help. Oh, God.

It was right there. All right. More American or less? Less. More. I stand by more. Yeah, more. American bureaucracy at its finest.

Yeah, we did hours of it. All right. Part two soon. Part two.