Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Holiday Spectacular 2023

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

Join us for our annual holiday spectacular as we open presents, we talk about why this Christmas is bittersweet, we discuss why parents aren’t sexy, and we take time to reflect on 2023 and what’s to come in 2024.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel. He's an old children's friend He's an old children's friend Psst! Welcome to Christmas Merry Christmas Merry Christmas

Your toys are out Had to find them Ho ho ho Oh wow Quick update Before we get into Christmas. Okay. Feedback from, I guess, the last episode.

Uh-huh. Middle part is a hit. Comments are full of praise for your middle part. Wow. Yes, resounding. Maybe it was that one pick. It was a good pick. Oh, well, no.

I think America has voted. Yeah, picks only do so much. Yeah. I mean, they don't even tell the whole story. I mean, they're worth a thousand words. Yeah, that's what they say. But additionally, people really like Hermium Permium. I mean, duh.

Who couldn't like him? He's so nice. Someone even wrote, I didn't previously like the robot, but now that I've heard the robot interact with Hermium Permian, I do like the robot. And then I read a really funny one. Let's see. I screen grabbed it for us. It's also really funny because Hermium Permian. Yeah.

I kind of tried to correct you in it, but I stopped myself. But it's Hermian Permian. I know my name is Hermian Permian. I know my name. It's Hermian Permian. What are you saying? That my parents got it wrong? Because they didn't. Hermian Permian, named after my uncle Albert Hermian Permian.

Did you ever hear him? Okay. He invented paper airplanes. You ever thrown a paper airplane? They sail through the sky. How old is he? I'd rather not say my age. I'm vain that way. But I'm a safe person.

Let's just say I was not born in the 2000s. Is that sufficient to wet your appetite and slake your lust? Sure. Ooh, no, I don't want him to say that. Slake your lust? Well, that's a literary term. That's not a pervy term. I know, but he just would never say lust.

You're probably right. Okay, here's the thing I found. Please don't refrain from doing, I guess, alien or robot voice. It's like when Howard does impressions of his dad. You just want him to do it for like an hour. And Monica, please continue to be annoyed by it that's fun too i like when it goes both ways like i'm reading and i'm like oh yes this is the encouragement i needed and then i'm like oh and then they also enjoy that monica's annoyed

best case scenario oh man oh boy you just flew in in from Georgia, and did you see anything in the sky? I did. I passed a little red guy. You did? Yeah. He's just doing his practice route. Uh-huh. You have to do some dry runs before the big day.

You got to do dry runs before you can do the wet run with the snow. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. How was your travels? It was fine early. I went home for a very quick trip. It's Friday and I left Wednesday morning to go to Atlanta.

Right. Really speedy round trip. Yeah. I came back this morning. You must have woken up very, very early. I did. What time? I woke up at 5 45 east coast time which is 2 45 pacific standard time correct and so i went home to visit oh what happened oh nothing i was just talking about it is there a gunk in there no well of course there is oh one time on synced other day, I thought there was, I got a little nervous.

There was some dip in my cup. Oh, okay. So I rinsed it out. Yeah. Just in case. Yeah, there wasn't though. It was, I mean, there was debris that looked like dip. It was probably tea.

Good news, I have scheduled a deep clean for this joint. Awesome. Yeah. Great. While we're gone this week. Oh, I hope have scheduled a deep clean for this joint. Awesome. Yeah. Great. While we're gone this week. Oh, I hope. During the break. Oh, no.

Oh, I got a, the quilt is in there. I need to bring it in. Oh, the quilt that was from Flightless. Yeah. Yeah. It's really nice. Is it gorgy? Boy, we are out of linear space here.

I think we can drape it on the couch. Oh, okay. That'd be great. Or maybe on that slant over there. Is there enough real estate in there to pin it to the wall? But then it's cloth, so then would poop particles get in the cloth?

Presumably, yeah. That's my worry. Assuming someone pooties in there. You. Well, okay. I wanted to say I don't, but I do when I'm up here writing all day. Yeah.

I know you do. I've done it. You have? Yeah. When? September 14th. No, but what was the circumstance? You were.

Like if I knew I was going to be here by myself for hours. Yeah. Well, that's the part that's interesting. Yeah. Like if I was in, if I like recorded and then I was going to stay and edit. There's, I've been in here lots of times. Yeah. Do you lock the door when you. Yeah, of if I was in, if I like recorded and then I was going to stay and edit, there's, I've been in here lots of times. Do you lock the door when you're there? Yeah, of course.

Of course, just in case. And do you open the window out to the street? Yeah. Yeah, you light seven candles. It's like a seance. And I do matches. I do it all just in case. To be clear, I've only done it a couple of times, probably twice.

I'm happy. Rob, have you shit in here? No, I don't think so anyways that's not what the holidays are about well that's i was telling saying an important part of my week oh tell me well i was home yes and i had to go visit my grandpa because i was going to try to wait until i was going home for the holidays but then it felt really urgent to go so i did and i i missed two recordings which was sad yes and i really don't like doing that but i had to yes of course and um and it was sad it's sad yeah yeah

but you got to give um some sweet granddaddy kissies yeah Yeah, I did. Yeah. I did. And then did you have any fun with your mom? Yeah, we watched Bad Surgeon. Uh-huh. I loved it. Did you love it? Yeah, it's just so. It's almost incomprehensible that he was the head of a department at the most prestigious hospital in the world. It was in Copenhagen and Denmark?

No, it was in Sweden. Sweden? In Stockholm. Yeah, the place where they give out the Nobel Prize for medicine. Like, truly the in Sweden. Sweden? In Stockholm. Yeah, the place where they give out the Nobel Prize for medicine. Like, truly the most prestigious. Yes, there's so many elements of it worth examining. One just being the power of status. If you're there and you have that title, people are going to trust you to do anything.

I know. Myself included. Me too. Yeah, it scared me about how willy-nilly. And then I was even thinking, right, because as we know, I had a botched toe surgery. And then here's what I thought. Like, I just had that botched toe surgery. And I thought, well, that was probably a one-off.

I didn't go on a message board and find out if, like, it is conceivable that every surgery that that podiatrist or whatever the fuck surgical podiatrist is called. Maybe everyone has a half a toe now. You know, I just assume it's my fault that he cut off too much of my toe. Yeah, without giving away too much, but it's also obvious based on the title. Yeah, he's not a good surgeon. No, this surgeon conned a bunch of people and killed a bunch of people. Yeah, everyone that he did the procedure on. Yes, died, except one. Everyone that he did the procedure on. Yes.

Died. Except one. And because they had it, they had it taken out. So we can't do any spoilers. Fuck. Cause I want to talk about then the third episode is insane. Here's what I was thinking. Yeah.

How on earth was this guy juggling? That's what I said. Three families and surgeries all over the world. These are not going to do spoilers. Yeah. Spoiler. How was he doing that? I don't know. How do you even juggle three families?

I don't know. Holy smokes. It's really crazy. But yeah, he killed all these people at this fancy hospital. And I also, sorry, Unifiles, which is me, but there was a series that came out this year, the last installment of Serial, but wasn't Sarah Koenig. Yeah, okay. And it was about fertility. It was this crazy story of egg freezing where all these women were, they were under twilight anesthesia during it via Yale.

Oh, wow. Okay. And a lot of women during the procedure was saying, I can feel it. I can feel this. I remember this. Oh, and it's because one of the nurses was stealing the fentanyl. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And that's at Yale. Mm-hmm. Again, like who would ever, you think you're getting the best care possible. Yes. It's so scary. I got called by somebody who was struggling with their wife and she was a nurse and they had found a ton of injectable opiates. She has siphoned fentanyl.

Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so sad, but it's also. It's also Merry Christmas. It's a blue christmas i think i was feeling sort of like while i was there kind of a little numb uh-huh and then last night i got sad yeah so now i'm sad yeah i'm sorry buddy that's okay it's just sad yeah i think it takes for me it's it has always taken some time it's just like you're walking through it all you're doing all the steps you're there and then it's oddly cheery sometimes you're interacting with your relatives but yeah like the whole experience with barton which took three and a half days, four days. Yeah. My stepfather, who died while I was visiting.

I got on the airplane to fly. I flew home, picked up Delta. I know, I remember. Took her immediately to Detroit. And on the flight to Detroit, I was like, oh, Lord, Barton is dead. And I was a part of it. And this just happened. And it really hit me all at once, all the feelings that I hadn't had for the five days while I was a part of it and this just happened and holy, and it really hit me like all at once,

all the feelings that I hadn't had for the five days while I was participating. Yeah. It's a lot. Merry Christmas. It's just the truth. Yeah. My dad told me on the, when he was driving me to the airport that, and I forgot this story, but before I was born, a few years before I was born, like right after my dad and mom got married, my grandpa got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

No way. Yes. And they said he had six months to live. Not your dad's dad, but your mother's, your dad's dad. No, my mom's dad. That's currently still here. Yes. Whoa. You're not supposed to survive pancreatic cancer. Well, so he, yeah. So he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. They told him

he had six months to live. So then they were making all these arrangements basically. And then they ended up a couple of weeks later going to Mayo Clinic, speaking of a world renowned hospital. Yeah. They went to the Mayo Clinic for a second a world renowned hospital. Yeah. They went to the Mayo Clinic for a second opinion and they were there for days. And then at the end they said, we don't know what you have, but you don't have pancreatic cancer. Oh my Lord. Yeah. Wow.

So that's a mixed bag because that's almost a blessing to happen to somebody. To think you're going to die for a month and then find out you're not, I feel like you could approach life differently afterwards. Well, yeah. And then my, so my dad was saying on the drive, he was like, I kind of look at this a little, because my dad was with them at the Mayo Clinic. Only him. Okay.

Him and my grandma. What a good son-in-law. I know. I'm going to choke. So early too, one year in. Wow. I know. He jumped in the deep end.

He did. Did your grandpa know your dad before your mom did? No. Okay. He worked in some way with my dad's sister. Okay. And then they were like. Aunt Kylie. Aunt Lily. Aunt Lily. Oh. And they then got in cahoots to put these two together. Right. This bombshell and this genius. Let's get these two together and see what happens. Anyway, so my dad, he was there. For him, he's like, I look at it kind of different. Like he was supposed to die and he got another 40 years. Yeah. Like again, a huge success story. It's a very glass half full way to look at it because

he never had pancreatic cancer. Right. But it is a nice way to look at it because he never had pancreatic cancer. Right. But it is a nice way to look at it. And it made me think, wow, if that had happened, I would have never met him. Right. And he's like the most special person. Yeah. Thank God.

Yeah. That's the one frustration I have about when people do die. I have so many frustrations about it. Okay. Tell me. It's just frustrating that people have to die it's yeah it's heartbreaking and tragic and that's yeah but i would the thing that's frustrating is that especially when someone lives at 90 plus years old yeah they die and they have grandchildren who come and kiss them yeah like it's such a success story it's such a like wonderful trip on planet it is. It's such a, like, wonderful trip on planet Earth. It is, it is.

So in some part, like, some part of me, the intellectual side, not the emotional side, and I'm sure some cultures are this way, it's a real celebration of a very successful, non-tragic ride through. I know. It's a flip-flop. You can come in and out of that,

of what a beautiful life. Yeah. And it's still just so sad. Not for him. Right. It's sad for the rest of us. And I'm so sad for my grandma. Yeah.

We don't bring her along to Lubbies. Yeah. Well, my mom might want some personal time. With her or me? With you. Okay. Okay. Well, there could be multiple trips to Lubbies.

Yeah. She loves the cafeteria too. We used to go to Ryan's all the time. My grandma and grandpa used to take me to Ryan's. That's what I'm going to send her as I told you. I'm going to send her cafeteria food. Oh, yeah. Next time.

Anyway. But yeah. So it's happy and it's sad and life is so dramatic. It is. It is. But it's, I life is so dramatic. It is. It is. But it's, I'm grateful. You got to spend your whole childhood with him. I know.

I can't believe it. Yeah. You got so lucky. Some people don't get that. No. Most people's grandparents are so-so. I know. I got some really, a really good pair.

Same. Papa Bob was like my dad. I think I spent more time with my Papa Bob throughout my childhood. So I was there the whole summer every year. Not even I think. I certainly spent more time with my Papa Bob. My Papa Bob would take me to Cedar Point. He would take me to ski.

Was your brother close with him too? Yes. Yeah, the two of us were always over there. Oh, man. Yeah. I'd say every other weekend my dad had us, he dropped us off there. So half the weekends and then almost the whole summer. Yeah.

And you said that you were realizing that you were my age when you were doing this for your dad. Yeah. Which is so upsetting. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because I still feel like a 10-year-old. Of course. Like with my dad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what put it into perspective for me is you're dealing with your grandpa dying. And I was like, oh, I gave the eulogy at Papa Bob's funeral when I was 19 years old or 20.

I just moved to California and then did my dad at 36 or so. That's not that much longer after. No, what's that? 16 years or something. Yeah, that seems like there should be a much bigger gap

in between a grandparent and a parent absolutely yeah yeah 62 is insanely way too young it's crazy though even at your age when i was your age 62 felt a lot different than it does at my current age for obvious reasons that's 14 years from now stop yes i know. I know. Yes. But when I was your age, it was, you know, 25 years or whatever the fuck. But it's still, to me, it still feels so young. Well, you have some old ass friends like me. That's probably why. Yeah, and Eric.

Yeah, Eric. I was listening to, Elizabeth has had her own little 10 episode podcast about death and dying called The One Sure Thing because her mom died when she was 19. Mm-hmm. And then within a year, her dad died. Ay-yi-yi. Yeah. Were they older parents?

No. No. Her mom had cancer and then her dad had a heart attack. Ay-yi-yi. On their anniversary. Eek. Isn't that, yeah. But anyway, when she was-

Well, the interview you missed, his dad died when he was 51 yeah it's insane heart attack yeah yeah and but yeah so she was talking about this and she was saying her dad was like a 53 or 54 i was like that's eric's almost eric's age yeah yeah oh it's like no i know This feels not. And I already have too much fear around death. And I was just getting over it. And now it's back. Yeah.

So I'm kind of mad at him for that. Yeah. Although it's a 90 plus year old man and maybe a 103 year old man. Yeah. We don't really know his age. Right. That's up in the air. Because they forged their birth certificate.

They used to way back when change their birth certificates so that they could have longer years to work and stuff. I don't know. It was a whole thing. Right. So he's older than his birth certificate says. So we don't really know. We think he's around 94. But also. I like to think he's a one.

Me too. A centurion yeah me too i want that also elite elite that's like upper one percent i know so it's not my fear around death with him it's now that is triggering my fear of death for everyone in my life that that's how it ends yeah and like all these people you could die and my dad die, and my dad could die, and my mom could die, and the floors are so slippery at my parents' house. Oh, they are? Yes. Why, because it's tile? No, it's wood, but it's so slippery there.

Did you hit the deck? No, but I kind of ice skate around on my socks. That's fun. I know, but not for these people who- These older folks. I don't like that. Why don't you put them in a ranch with sticky floors? They don't want to move.

They like it. Get them carpet for Christmas. That's disgusting. I have to tell them they have to wear shoes. Right, even when they sleep in case they get up and go potty. My mom did fall the other day trying to get in her bed in the middle of the night. Nermy. Because she was sick.

Yeah, she was sick. She's pretty sick. And she fell down. She had an organ. She thinks it's because she. Ew, Jax. I'm thinking of the runner. Stop.

Don't make me talk about your mom's vagina. Oh, she'll tell you before. You don't want to hear about it. No, but I've grown up hearing about it. Anytime my mother had a yeast infection, I was like the first person who heard about it. But you don't like that. No, who would? Exactly. So stop.

Ew. They're so gross. Who, parents? Yes. God. Isn't it weird that you are one? Well, I talked about it the other day in the same way that I'm sad that Larry Trillian's children can't meet Larry Trillian, the normal man adult. Yeah.

Yeah, I think. But I actually think, and I could be delusional. I'm probably delusional. I think my kids think I'm pretty cool. I'm noticing more and more Lincoln. Like, every night in bed, it's, tell me another story. Like, I want a story. Tell me a bed it's I tell me another story like I want a story tell me a story about this tell me a story about that and the fact that I read to her from

my memoir and she heard my writing she's like that turned on something for her like she's like oh you're yeah so currently she's like seeing me as someone that's kind of interesting which I'm loving okay I think she of course will see see you as someone interesting and she's glad that you're her dad. Right. But she's not going to think you're sexy. Well, God, no. We don't. Haven't all done something very wrong.

I know. But the point, like, when we're talking about gross stuff with our parents, like, you're going to be gross. Like, that's gross to her. That will be gross. Absolutely. Your body. That's anything sexual but not her mother so i'm talking about nurmy now i would be very delicate hold on though i've been very delicate to not talk about a show falling down and accidentally

quivering you're not doing a very good job not talking about it i'm doing a pretty good job about it but no i didn't say anything specific anyways still gross they don't want to know about kristin's orgasms and still like i bear i don't even want to she's too maternal for me to even want to think about that oh gross anywho all to say i'm worried about everyone's going to die. No one in this room, everyone knock on wood right now. No one's allowed to die in this room until you're 80 years old or over. That was always my prayer. I would list all the people and say.

And 80 was the year? Yeah. So you got 20 extra years. Well, yeah, if we're going to say he's a centurion. Yeah, he is. If you have a great son, you say, here lies a centurion. No, he was a very honest man. He wouldn't have liked that.

You already said he lied about his age. So it's like, to what degree? Well, I don't think he did. I think his mom or dad did. Just put maybe in parentheses. Yeah, hopefully. Possibly a centurion licear. A great grandpa and a distributor of granddaddy's kissies.

I did feel a little guilty because he is so old that he could have had a great grandkid. Like I could have given him that. I'm old enough to have done that. I wonder when you're sad well hold on i wonder when your enthusiasm runs out though like i'm i'll be excited to meet my grandkids i have no goal of meeting great crank well first of all it's probably mathematically impossible unless no there are advances in science and i live to 125 no um lincoln could get pregnant at 14. We're really slinging some mud.

Then your mother might have an orgasm when she hears. Stop! Can you be gentle? Well, you're telling me that Lincoln was child at 14. Mathematically, it's impossible. I'm telling you, it's not mathematically impossible. You're right. In 28 years, I could have a great grandchild.

I will say he cared a lot about You're right. In 28 years, I could have a great grandchild. Yes. I will say he cared a lot about professional success. A lot. Yeah, absolutely. This is way better than a grandkid. I do think he would have been happier with this than that. I wish he could have known that. He didn't?

That's a sad, sad case. I have the same thing. I mean, I would fucking kill to spend the day with them right now. Yeah. And go, look at these little toe heads I have. These little shepherds. See, you want to show them the babies, not the career. I have a, this is totally off topic and I hope it's not disrespectful, but I've been monitoring the gray in the sides of my hair because i shave the sides

of my hair once a month i guess uh matthew collins does it celebrity stylist to the stars shout out co-host of the f1 podcast yes and so every time it grows out i've got virtually a month more of grain right so every time it grows out there's it's a little shock like oh we're at a higher percentage oh really yeah and it seems like if i'm tracking this we're gonna be just dead silver i don't know maybe by the end of 2024 you think so no the top of your head isn't not the top the sides the sides are like they're fucking so why do you think the sides and not the top i don't know i don't know if that's standard i don't't. I was looking and I was like, I've always considered myself such a shepherd of Kai. Like prototypical shepherd.

Yeah. None of the shepherds have ever had gray hair. My Papa Bob had zero gray hair. My dad had zero gray hair. My fucking brother, to my knowledge, has zero gray hair. Yes. So this morning, it's not just the gray hair. I was coming to terms with the fact that the story that I'm 100% shepherd is horseshit.

You're just now understanding genetics? No, I understand genetics. But what happened in this case was the 23 alleles that my father supplied were all dominant. Okay. Everything that came from the LeBeau family was recessive. Obviously, that's not true. my father supplied were all dominant. Okay. Everything that came from the LeBeau family was recessive. Obviously that's not true. But in my story, it's like, yeah, I got half LeBeau in me,

but all of those were recessive. You know what's weird? Tell me. It's weird that that's your story because you love your mom so much. The most. And I'm, so I'm really, it almost feels like- Disrespectful? Patriarchal or masculine, toxic masculine.

No, no, it's not that. It's because I grew up in my Papa Bob's house and he was my hero and I wanted to be him and a shepherd. I didn't like my her dad and I had I think I've already talked about it on here. We had a very complicated relationship. We started out as best friends and then he said something really mean about my father on a camping trip. And then I just didn't really like him. Unacceptable. And then he died really young.

And then my grandma Midge had raised already six kids. So she would do her grandmotherly duties and that she would host us. I lived there when I detasseled corn that summer, but she wasn't like pumped. Yeah. She was tired. She was fucking tired.

I told you my grandma yolas literally asked in fifth grade if i wanted to at the end of the summer asked if i wanted to move in yeah and you said and i i wanted to but i didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings oh god yeah that would have killed it would have killed my mom but she kind of needed the help it probably would have been helpful to have one last get around but um. But my grandmother and I kind of talked a lot about it and I would have really liked it. But you would have missed your mom. I would have missed her so much. I would have missed, but I was getting so much there. I got so much attention and there was food there and there was no chaos. How far away was it? Wait. It was like a 45 minute drive okay okay did they ever yell at your dad for not

being as around for you i mean they're that's their kid listen they were bummed a lot with him which was a really sad thing ultimately anywho i'm having like an identity crisis where i realized like well i'm clearly not all shepherd because i have all this gray hair. Yeah. How does it feel? I mean, I'm fine with the aesthetic. I'm not like bummed that I have the gray hair or I'd be dying it, I guess. Right. Exactly. I used to get highlights, you know, all through my acting career. I'd always get a little dose of blonde in there to give some dimension to this kind of,

I don't even know what fucking color my hair is. That was another thing I was coming to terms with this morning in the gym. I was looking at my hair. I'm like, what color is it? Brown. It's not even brown, though. It's like a fucking gray or something that would leak out of a lead pipe or something. It's brown.

It looks like water that would come out of an old pipe. That's the color of my hair. But so I kind of welcome the gray because it's kind of a blast of color. It's a pop. It's pop out. It's layers. Anywho. I like gray hair on

everyone. Oh. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert if you dare. Sasha hated sand. The way it stuck to things for weeks.

So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub. And of course course a great shower. Expedia. Made to travel. Should we exchange gifts? Yeah, we should. Okay, who should go first? Youngest to oldest? Yeah, Rob should go first. Yeah, that's always the best so one two three four those are

yours rob and one of those is yours money money's is the red mine's that yeah okay so these are all rob yep uh wait are you giving them mine yeah do they need to go together uh you can give them that yeah that'll be a mystery that'll be basically a clue to the rest of the presents. Is it toothpaste? Power cell. Auto battery identification. Ooh, auto batteries? I don't know much about... What that is.

Okay. What that is. You don't know about lipo batteries? Those are lipos. Nope. Okay. Do you want to tell us about LiPos? No.

Well, just it's the most powerful, dense kind of battery. It's what's like in an electric car. Wow. You have NiCab. Oh, my God. He got you an electric car. Do you want me to walk you through all the battery types? You got lead.

That's in your car to start the car. Yeah. Then you got NiCab. Those are above that. And then the Lipo is the the greatest technology a lot of bang a lot of power a lot of power within it we all just do one at a time so my family usually does oh i'm open to that although you have so many you might have to go through a car i think you should open one more of mine before you get to Monty's. Don't you, Monty? Sure.

Yeah. So that top one there above the red will do. It's going to confuse you even more. More batteries. Ooh, I love tricks. Oh, my God. Also, we haven't even talked about the fact that Rob's cookies are here. Oh, my God. And I am so excited.

Can I have one now? Yes, of course. This is our holiday celebration. A battery charger. Yeah, so more confusion. Yeah. I don't know what these batteries would be for, but I'm looking forward. I saw that Rob posted on Instagram he was making these yesterday, and I got so excited.

Yeah, I think someone actually I saw on Instagram. Oh, my God. Someone else was aware of them, too. These are my favorite cookies of all time. They're so good. Smile real big as you're about to eat one. Let's see that middle part. Oh, it's great.

I got it. Wait, what? I got the shot. I got the shot. I got it. All right, Monica's turn now. Okay. Okay.

Yours is the white one. This one? Yep. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh boy. It's a big boy wait before we continue yeah let's have a moment of honesty this i found this year to be hard oh you did yeah didn't you i thought i found it hard too yes okay great you had said it was really oh my god this wrapping paper is a smell i I realized, yeah. I love it. I was very excited that it had a scent.

Smells like a tree. Oh my God, it smells better than my Christmas tree. I can't believe Monica's not hip to this. Aren't you the bomb wrapping paper queen? I normally am. You'll have to send me this wrap, what it is. Here, I'll give this to you. You're better at this.

You found it to be hard. So hard, I actually reached out to Natalie, and it was a dead end. She doesn't know what to give you either. She's not great at gifts. Yeah, yeah. I was like talking to me. Oh, my God.

I was like texting with myself. I almost reached out to her, too, to find out about the color of your La Cresce, but then I pivoted. Okay, and we have also a lot of people in the comments. It's Le. I think it's Le. I think we also got the beginning wrong. Le Cres that makes sense but i don't care about you sound a

little pretentious like trying to speak french it's like saying neanderthal it's like saying wee wee okay this is smelly paper you should rub it in your armpits and stuff after you've opened it so you get a nice bit of evergreen smell in there oh wow oh that pavlovian sound it's a frame oh my god oh boy something's custom framed what is it gonna be whoa whoa. What's it say? Oh, my God. Hold on. Hold on. There's.

No. Amazing. Wait, wait, wait. It's a Maru coffee. Oh, my gosh. But this is an artist. It's this Australian artist, Bella McGoldrick. And she does these crazy colored pencils.

And she did like a series of her favorite coffee around the world. And Maru happened to be one of the cuts. Wow. This is incredible. And you need artwork. I do. You're going to have a lot of linear feet in that house. You know, one of my favorite things ever is when you see the number at the bottom of the artwork.

Like this is two out of ten right right right oh my gosh this is gorgeous thank you rob he's good at this that's an australian coffee shop that's apparently great in melbourne and we got we're gonna go yeah now we have to go i cannot believe maru is on there i gotta get this it's saw that, I was like, oh, I got to get this. It's gorgeous. It's kind of 3D. It's not a monsoor monseer. It's not a monsoor. Yeah, her drawings are insane.

How do people do this? Yeah. I'm mad at these. Love it. Yay, thank you. Well, I think you should open mine first. I have terrible anxiety now because my present sucks compared to that. Okay.

Now I go because I'm old. Yeah, you go. Who do you want? Wobbies? The pink one is first. Okay. There's an order. There is an order.

Wow, wow, wow. And you do this wrapping yourself or you outsource it? No, I did that myself oh my god um and he got for me really cute peach pink wrapping paper with cars on it el coches yeah because i love does it smell like car yeah it smells like petrol and burning rubber rubber okay oh poor something that's what you know what this is uh-huh i think you guys are so much hipper than me you know what this is oh my wobby wob oh but it's a trick. It's not Burberry Inside. You are a trickster. Oh, wow.

Is this an ornament crow? No, it's a lamp. It's little pet crows holding lights that you can have a team of. That one has a screw in the box somewhere. Oh, my God. And then there's another one that can go on your desk. Oh, my Lord. These are crow lamps.

Yeah, it's like you've trained crows to hold the light for you. Wow, that's cute. This is so wonderful. I love these. Oh my gosh, this is great. Since I've not been able to woo them with my meats and everything else. I tried to get you a crow whistle, but it didn't work. Clearly, I don't need one. Did you just hear

my crow call? Very thoughtful. Very, very, very thoughtful. Fuck. Let's go. Boy, this is strong fucking paper. Are you kidding? You can't even tear this paper in half.

Uh-oh. This really half. Uh-oh. This really is great. Uh-oh. We definitely shouldn't talk. You people have spoiled me. Beautiful green rubber sweatshirt. That's really nice. Oh, Wobby. Oh, I love the green. Absolutelyber sweatshirt. That's really nice. Oh, wobbly.

Oh, I love the green. Absolutely. I want that. You know, this is what I say my favorite color is. Because Bill Gates. Well, because geniuses. Even though his favorite color is blue. And it is tied.

But I love blue. Cute. Oh, that's going to look so handsome. Wow, this is so. Oh, and look, it has a little cute little hash as a blue on back. It was a little fake out. Yeah, that was fun. That was a good fake out.

That was a bait and switch. It was. He put the crows in the Burberry bag and the Burberry in the crow box. Yeah, wow. Oh, wow. Very rascally, very on brand. That's great. Okay, so now what happens?

Dax, Rob goes again happens? Rob goes again. Should I complete? Yeah, once you open one, you've basically opened the second one. This is going to need a little explanation. Let me start by saying I know that you don't want this. Me, Monica, or Rob?

No, Rob. Oh, God. But it'll create something with Calvin. That's exactly right. What? Oh. Okay.

Now, I want to tell you something. These are the very best Traxxas. They're the rock crawlers. They're four-wheel drive, so you can create courses in the backyard. And it'll climb over anything. Aw. Amazing. Thank you. And I got one for Calvin too.

So I think yours is blue and his is Tanner. However you want to set it up. But you guys have matching rock crawlers you can do in the backyard now. That's so cute. That's awesome. Oh my God. Remember when we were, you guys were so into those. It was my life for two years.

And we did, and Father's Day for two years. And Father's Day. Kristen did a whole Father's Day based off of it. With races. Yeah, it was so fun. I got way back into it again. Me and the girls have been driving them a lot. It's so much fun. You can waste two and a half hours

with your kids out there driving around. I can't wait. Okay. Monty. Hi. You're sad I am I am

Okay Ow My apologies I'm opening Dax's now Yeah So now This is another thing

Like Rob's present Where I know You don't want these Wow what fun But you need them Okay I'm excited Yes Cause you're constantly

Oh boy Uh oh Let's see Are we gonna be able To get into this Son of a bitch Okay, I'm excited. Yes, because you're constantly... Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Let's see. How are we going to be able to get into this, son of a bitch? I'm going to tear it apart. This is confusing. Ooh, more batteries.

Yeah, mine has batteries, too. Yeah, I only buy things with batteries. It's a theme. Oh, here we go. I'm going to rip it. Yeah, rip, rip, rip, rip. The real thing's inside. It's also a workout. Oh, my God.

Is this a workout thing? It's a workout oh my god is this a is this a workout machine yeah oh fun i want these oh good i've been wanting these good because you edit in public so much and you don't have noise canceling in the ones you use air max air max but really quick open those up because i think I got you pink. But the box is blue. Well, you don't have to, but I tried to get you pink. I like blue. Okay, great.

Blue and pink are the good colors. I got green and I regret it. You do? Yeah. Even though you love green? I have blue. You have blue. You have these?

Yeah, blue is beautiful. This is nice. I think I like blue. Better than pink. Unless it's pink. Unless it's pink. No, I love it. It's blue. Okay, great is beautiful. This is nice. I think I like blue. Better than pink. Unless it's pink. Unless it's pink. No, I love it. Oh, okay.

Great, great. Oh, this is really exciting because I have been wanting these and I have not been wanting to buy them. Okay, great. Great, great, great. So I'm happy. Thank you. Yeah, so when you're out in public now, you just do your editing on there and you. So if you want to find me, I'll be wearing blue Air Maxes.

Oh my gosh. I'm so happy. I got such good gifts. Okay, Dax. my gosh. I'm so happy. I got such good gifts. Okay, Dax, your turn. I'm next. I'm next. Okay, I want you to open this part first. Don't look at the side.

Okay. I'll do exactly as you say. Or maybe I should open the big one first. Yeah? Yeah, open the big one first. Okay, okay. It's our wrapping paper. And one of your hairs.

Oh, God. They come with everything, a free hair. Shit, I bet yours has hair in it too, Rob. I can't wrap without getting hair in it. You're gonna be cloned so much when that technology comes out because you're so willy-nilly. It's getting wampus with your hair droppings. I just give it out for free.

Maybe I'll clone just your hair. Oh, yeah, I forgot. So I had wrapped it in other paper, and then I found this paper, and I felt that I needed to use this paper. What's a shout out to this person? Because this is so cute. It's a bunch of recliners, lazy boys, and there's multiple. They went for it. You're in a you're in a

vanilla outfit on one of the uh drawings and a gray sweater on another i have my puffer jack puffer vest on in one it's so cute shavs paper shavs yes sh-a-v-s paper they make amazing i love what a fucking mess Christmas makes. I know. There's only three people opening presents in here and you can't see the floor. This is also for your birthday. Oh, my Beckham. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. It's a gray sweater. It's classic. It's classic Beckham. This is gorgeous. I'm going to look so good this holiday no you are there's more yeah what because it's also for your birthday oh my birthday's here oh oh it's a piece oh it's a piece sweat slacks fuck me they're gonna match my. I know. But I didn't know about the size of the bottoms.

We might have to exchange. It's a large. Yeah, that's great. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of going to look like an English gangster in these. I know. You could do a lot of damage in those.

Oh, my gosh. Watch out, America. Look for Monty in her blue headphones. Look for me head to toe in Burberry. And there's still more. Yeah, there's one more thing. Oh my God, this has been a great Christmas already. If I don't get another gift this whole Christmas, this was when.

Okay. Organic Biologa Gigi Keys Criminini. They're mushrooms. So you can cook one mushroom at a time. Oh, Beckham style. It's just a Beckham kit. It's a Beckham joke. Okay, Wobby Wob. Wobby Wob's next.

Says Wobby Wob Hollis. Smell something. Yeah, oh, something's falling. All the pieces are lost. this smell smell something yeah oh something's falling oh fancy pepper oh pepper

and nice some steak knives oh steak knives some nice steak knives I picked

blue oh cause geniuses love blue that's right we don't have good steak knives either okay good blue. Oh, because geniuses love blue. That's right. We don't have good steak knives either. Okay, good. That's what I was also going to ask Natalie.

Why didn't Natalie fucking tell me that? She should know you guys don't have nice steak knives. This was from Cookbook, a really cool store in Highland Park. Yeah, I love Cookbook. Yeah. He already loves it. He already loves it. God, you guys are dialed in.

And Al is the woman who was helping me and was excited because she recognized and I said this is for Wobby Wob and I thought those were so pretty yeah these are great wasn't there more to that story well you wanted to do something custom to these oh I wanted

to have each steak knife a different color because the way it was displayed it was like that. Okay, yeah, yeah. But then they were just showing you all the colors, and I asked if I could have a pack that was each different color. How many steak knives are in the set? Six.

Six, I think, yeah. Okay, so you should have bought six, and then given the same present to six people and arranged the colors. I could have. One-stop shopping for everyone. That's awesome. Yay! Oh, and a big, big for everyone. That's awesome. Yay. Oh, and a big, big glass jar of peppercorn.

Yes. Yummy peppercorn. Fresh. It's going to sniff. Fresh. Good? We'll be sneezed all over it. Spilled it all over.

Wow. Wow. Everyone did great. What a bounty. I'm going to look gorgeous in 2024. Should we do resolutions? Yeah, we should. Do you know yours?

I need to go last. She's going to think of yours while we... I think I'm only doing one this year. Okay, what is it? I need to finish writing the book this year. You're going to finish it. Yeah, that's what I got to do this year. I got to figure out how to fucking make the time or get the right schedule, something.

Yeah. Got to finish. I think mine's to cook more. I cooked twice in the last two years. Oh, my God. Thanksgiving. Oh, no. I realize so.

That's shameful for someone with your- I know. Well, now you can make steak. Yeah, I need to make time for cooking. Now you can put pepper on things you cook. It's probably because you didn't have pepper. And if you're at the grill and you need an ingredient from the fridge, you can drive your remote control truck into there

and have Calvin put it on the back of it and then drive it back. Or just distract him in the backyard so I can cook. Yes. That's true. You love to cook. I do. I bake during the holidays and then I cook on Thanksgiving, and that's it.

And that's that. Yep. And then 364 other days, everyone can... It's just pesadilla. Fuck off. Mine... I think mine is to... Well, it's always to drink more water.

Mm, yeah. That's always one. And electrolytes? That one gets recycled. That's a carryover every year. It is, it is, it is. That's a standard. But what should mine be?

You're putting it out to committee. I need help, yeah. Maybe to watch Contagion more. Oh, yeah. I haven't watched it in a while. Iagion more. Yeah. I haven't watched it in a while. I know. Actually.

Actually. Perhaps one is going to the movies more. Uh-huh. I do love going to the movies, and then I just never do it. I started back this year. We did, too. Yeah. The last, like, month, we've gone, like, six times. Yeah, that's fun.

I've gone to more movies in the theater this year than I have the previous five, I think. Okay, so more movies. This is very accomplishable. Yeah, all of these are, it seems. But I feel like I should have another one. A more challenging one? Yeah. We can maybe set that in the new year.

Why don't you put a pin in it? Okay. But for now, movies. And water. And maybe you can hit two birds with one stone. But big old water at a movie. Can I make a restaurant plea before we leave? Yes.

Because we're going to Seattle. And there's a place that I can't. Oh, you can't get in? Once a year, apparently. Is the timing going to work? It's the week after Christmas that we're going. Okay. So there's a restaurant you're dying to visit.

And you promised to give a full detailed account of the experience. Of course. What is it called? Archipelago. It's a Filipino. Not archipelago.

Archipelago? Well, fuck, you've been correcting me for six years. No, I don't know. Archipelago is a chain of islands. Yeah. Archipelago.

Okay. Archipelago. We don't want to disrespect them on the request, right? And archipelago is a real word. It's a real of islands. Yeah. Archipelago. Archipelago. We don't want to disrespect them on the request, right? And archipelago is a real word. It's a real world. Yeah. World.

It really exists in the world. And what kind of food is it? Filipino American. We didn't plan our trip early enough to get in. Okay. Oh, while you're there, I do really encourage, if you want, the best steak I've ever had at a restaurant, truly, is, I think it's called Capital Grill. Capital Grill. Insane steak menu and options and delicioso.

You can take your steak knives with you. I'm coming with my own knives. Okay, well, shout out, or not shout out yet to that restaurant. We can shout them out. Nope're not shout out yet to that restaurant. Only shout out. We can shout them out. Nope. Only if they let you in. Let Wobby Wob in for Christmas.

And then we'll shout you out. Yeah, then we'll hear all about it. What are your plans? We're going to Nashville. Going there, hanging out with Huey, and bringing my father-in-law and mother-in-law. So it's going to be a family trip. It's going to be very fun. And dinner's out and I'm very much looking forward to it.

And then Christmas here at the house. Yeah. When do you fly back? Movies. Sunday, do you leave? Wednesday. Wednesday. And you're there from Wednesday to what?

Morning of the second. Morning of your second. Ah. Morning of your birthday. Uh-huh. Beautiful year. I love you, too. Yeah, I love you guys. This was a great year.

Yeah. We did Letterman this year. We did Letterman this year. That's crazy. We did John Batiste this year. We did so many. But, I mean, for you. Yes. You know.

We did Anna Kendrick this year. That's how long this year spent. That feels six years ago. So for you. Yes. You know. We did Anna Kendrick this year. That's how long. That feels. This year's been. Six years ago. So long ago. Yeah. Man, time.

Time. It'll fly by. Time. You know, hug your grandparents and your parents and all the people in your life and give them kisses. Yeah. Give them granddaddy's kisses. Try to get some granddaddy kisses too. If you can.

Nothing hits harder than a granddaddy kiss. And then they are not granddaddy kisses too. If you can. Nothing hits harder than a granddaddy kiss. Yeah, and then they are not able to kiss you anymore. So Merry Christmas. No, I thank you for sharing all that because it is a good reminder. Like if you got that, you really got everything. It's really true. Not to be saccharine, but it's true. There's really nothing of comparable value to health.

It really, it will put it in perspective. I mean, even if you have your health, you probably don't have this painting that Rob got me. Right. Only a couple of people do. And you can't really enjoy your health without noise canceling headphones because life's too chaotic and miserable. I wonder if you'll get into the same rhythm I do, which is like, I am in those all the time not listening to things just canceling out oh my god you know this about me that's okay can i oh go ahead i don't think you're gonna like it go ahead i feel like that's an age thing my mom just she just walks around the house constantly with her noise canceling yeah her

noise canceling airpods in and it is so annoying because she can't hear you yes and then you'll say something and then like 45 seconds later she'll be like what uh-huh well let me be more specific i put them on in the morning when I meditate. And then I wear it while I'm journaling, too, because, again, it's so fucking chaotic. Those are great times to do it. Yeah, so that's really when. I spend the first hour of my day in them. I was going to say, I don't ever see you walking around in them.

No, no, no, no. No, I'm not an asshole like your mom. Like Nermy. Yeah, exactly. Oh. No, I love her. All right. All right.

I love you guys Merry Christmas Happy Holidays Merry Christmas Happy New Year we'll see everyone in the new year and we do it all over again

we'll keep doing it love you