Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Jason Bateman Returns Again

Episode Date: February 12, 2024

Jason Bateman (SmartLess, Ozark, Arrested Development) is an actor, director, producer, and podcaster. Jason joins the Armchair Expert to revisit the wiping debate, reveal he’s a Capricorn, and explore why he distances himself from his intellect. Jason and Dax discuss how much they enjoy being with someone who’s the opposite of them, their shared fear of becoming empty nesters, and the two have a sneeze-off. Jason talks about how seriously he takes the responsibility of leadership, how SmartLess handles three big personalities hosting the show, and how his bare feet will never touch a hotel room. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Monsoon. Don't, I, okay, the people can tell us because I think we've been saying that. I don't. Do you remember that, Rob? Yeah, it was on a t-shirt. Right, exactly. It was on a t-shirt? Yes, it was a real t-shirt. You were Dan Rathers and she was Monica Monsoon.

Oh, I love it. You sound like, and I'm sure this is what I said last time, you sound like a meteorologist. Right. Like Dallas Rains, our local meteorologist. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now Rob's got an actual. I want to come on soon. Sure.

With her. As a monsoon. No, it's like a superhero. It's that superhero. Yeah. With the microphone. Oh, yeah. And you as Dan Rathers.

I'm happy to rediscover it. I got just as excited at a whole new go-round. There's you wearing it. Okay. Very hands in you wearing it. Okay. Very hands in the cookie jar. Yeah. It has nothing to do with Jason Bateman. A little.

Kind of. Yeah. Yeah. We like to talk about anatomy with him. Sure. Wiping styles and preferences. We were talking about yawning, which led to the whole thing. You'll hear it in the fact check.

You'll hear it all. Jason Bateman is here, my good friend, an actor, a director, a producer, and a podcast host. Of course, Ozark, Arrested Development, Horrible Bosses, The Change-Ups, Zootopia, and Smartless. We love Jason Bateman. He's so much fun. I'm so glad he came by again. So fun. He is. He's terribly fun. He's terrible and fun. He's terrible and he's fun. Kind of true. Oh, but before we enjoy Jay Bait,

Terrible Annie's one. Kind of true. Oh, but before we enjoy J-Bait, we have some Armchair Anonymous prompts for March. Okay. Get out your pen and your paper. Tell us about a time you cheated. There's a myriad of ways one can cheat. Don't feel limited to romantic. Think outside the box.

Absolutely. Surprise us. Tell us about a time someone took the fall for you. Fall guy story. Fall gal story. Tell us about a time you were in a cult. Oh, man. I can't wait for that one. Now, what I like is that a lot of the times on Armchair Anonymous, the stories we hear lead to new prompts. Oh, New Year's Resolutions Gone Bad. Yes, from New Year's Resolutions gone bad. It prompted a cult a cult prompt. So, last, tell us a crazy

amusement park story. So, tell us about a time you cheated. Tell us about a time someone took the fall for you. Tell us about a time you were in a cult, or currently in a cult, and tell us a crazy amusement park story. Amuse us. Amuse us with a park story. Please enjoy Jason Bateman.

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia, made to travel. He's an option expert.

He's an auction expert He's an auction expert Lonnie, nice sweater. Thank you, it's striped. Hello. Hi. Good to see you. Thanks so much for coming.

Well, that explains it. It's striped. Hey, did this get more cozy and magical? Probably. It just gets a richer and richer patina after every single interview. Like the tchotchkes and the pictures and the sound bafflers and the… The N2 kits and the Kerplunkets. Definitely more art since you've been here last because you were here early days. Yeah, there wasn't even curtains.

Oh my God. Have I done this once or twice? Twice, but once on Zoom. Which doesn't count. Yeah, we don't count that. That's a mulligan. You got a lot of stuff coming across the transom over there? I don't get a lot of texts, so when I get one,

I'm like, oh, someone likes me. Would you want any olive oil in your coffee or just black? I would like just a men's. Okay. To use Arnett's line. That's what he calls a black coffee? Working backwards, you said, I have been here twice.

Why does the one time not count? Zoom doesn't count. COVID doesn't count. When you were launching Smartless, I think we were in the middle of COVID and you came on to promote that. Yeah, that's why we did it. But it doesn't count. And then this is just to keep things real.

Those aren't really accurate, but that's just straight dressing. Pretty much. Including the bugs on the tape. Don't look too close. Oh, my God, yeah, the bugs. We came in one morning and that had all fallen. And there was, like, when you're a kid in science class and you had to pin them all with some styrofoam. That's like a legit way to catch bugs.

They're like duct tape. It is. Little did we know, all one needs to do is just put duct tape everywhere. It could be a side hustle. We could sell that on Amazon. Armchair duct tape? That's funny. That was going to be one of my jokes to Jason.

How many interviews have been through on this one? Maybe don't do that. Fuck. You know, I don't even think you're borderline. You're a germaphobe a bit, yeah? I'm not a germaphobe. I'm a real keen gross detector. That's what it is.

I'm not worried about getting sick. There's something undeniable about the contact of a moist hand against a moist hand or a sweaty car and a leg that doesn't have pants on it, right? Like shorts against vinyl. There's just stuff that is just tactile not right. And I'm hearing a through line of moisture. Whenever moisture is present, are you most uncomfortable? Somehow I feel like that can be a conduit or conductor for germs to travel. A delivery device.

Correct. Dry against dry, they stand no chance. Well, we do know things do live better in dampness. Right. It's a cultivator. Is this where we left off last time about wiping and all that stuff? Not again. Of course again. We're more mature now. But I actually

was thinking about you this morning about an hour ago as I was emptying, going through my ritual and I thought, boy, I wonder if we're going to revisit this. Oh my God. I thought about both of you also because I haven't gone yet. Oh, you haven't? That never

happens. But I bet you peed. I did pee. Okay, and a pee gets a front wipe. Of course. And so then you should have thought, well, the only other male I know that does female wiping, i.e. fronting, is Dax Shepard. But we already covered it. Wiping.

It makes fronting. It makes a ton of sense for fronting. No, it makes a lot of sense for a woman. That was always my stance. Like, naturally, yes, you have an open area down there. Alas, we do not. It's perineum straight into sack. Which is why we avoid going around the obstacle.

It's complex. And we just go rear. Oh, yeah, because the rear obstacle is so much tinier. You're saying your butt cheeks are smaller. There's no obstacle back there. Of course there is. You're wrestling with a toilet seat, your butt cheeks. You can't see anything,

so you're trying to predict exactly where you're going to enter. You're avoiding the hassle of negotiating the butt cheeks by going around and lifting up your nards. I hate that we're doing this again. Because I don't think last time I actually was. Listener, he's giving me a visual now. What a negotiation that was. You have to lift and. No, I just go to the side.

I go into the crease between the testicle and the inner thigh. So you don't use the other hand to get things out of the way. No, I don't need to do that. Maybe at the beginning of this, before I had my 10,000 hours, but now it's just very simple. And again, it's a scoop and there's no contact with anything else but the rectum.

And you refuse to believe that's physiologically possible. I think it's possible. I think it's a... I want a real answer right now. What is the price tag? And I mean it sincerely. What would the dollar amount be for you? Just try.

I'll do it for free. I might even FaceTime you while I'm doing it. I would love that. Can we do it on the fact check? Oh, yeah. Can we run a little video? We're against video, but in this case. Speaking of what is the price, something that came up at dinner last night, I'm really surprised.

The story did not pick up any traction just to get from ass wiping into geopolitics. Oh, shit. Did you see the 60 Minutes where Michael Lewis was on? I didn't. He just gave a fantastic interview. Remind us who Michael Lewis is. Michael Lewis is an author, the guy behind The Big Short, the book Moneyball. Wrote that incredible Vandy Fair article that started The Big Short.

Yeah, yeah. And then what's the film with Sandy Bullock? Blindside. Wrote that incredible Vandy Fair article that started the big short. Yeah, yeah. And then what's the film with Sandy Bullock? Blindside. Yeah. So he was embedded with Sam Bankman Freed for, I don't know, a year or something like that. The crazy crypto guy who just was found guilty of fraud. Correct. Not everyone's as elevated as your dinner table party, so I'm trying to bring everyone up to speed.

Yes. So he's embedded with Sam Bankman Freed, writing a book on him. Obviously, this is before the guy was arrested. So he's embedded with Sam Bankman Freed, writing a book on him. Obviously, this is before the guy was arrested. The basic theory or strategy of Sam Bankman Freed was to gather as much money as possible and then redistribute that money into worthy causes. Financial altruism or something. He had some phrase for it. One of the things that he decided he should put the money towards as a good thing is to ask Donald Trump, what is his price to not run?

Oh, interesting. And he reached them. No. He talked to the Donald Trump people, and I'm assuming the man himself, to ask, what's the number? What's it going to take to not run? This is the original run. I think this is 2016.

Yeah. And he got a response. The number was $5 billion. Oh, really? I bet we could do that. Trump said, it'll take $5 billion. Sam Bankman Freed said, fine. Oh, wow. And he got a response. The number was $5 billion. Oh, really? I bet we could do that. Trump said, it'll take $5 billion. Sam Bankman Freed said, fine. Check's coming.

And a week later, he happened to get arrested for the fraud stuff, and all the funds were seized, and they couldn't go through. But he would have stopped Trump. This is a fact. It was on the interview in 60 Minutes. It's in the book. Wow. Didn't pick up anything in the media.

He was shocked at that. What part are you shocked at? The media didn't say, oh my God, we almost averted disaster. This is not to sort of lionize Sam Bankman-Fried and said, oh, we screwed up, we let a hero go to jail. But certainly that move there would have been very heroic. Well, listen, there's a lot there. One is just the notion of one guy deciding

I can use everyone else's billions there's a lot there. One is just the notion of one guy deciding I can use everyone else's billions to sway a political election. Foundationally to democracy is interesting. Well, I mean, he was assessing here is an existential crisis that I can avert by redistributing these funds for a good cause. Other people's money. You got to start with the fact that this wasn't his money. He didn't have $5 billion. Yeah, but I mean, all money on the planet is everyone else's money. You grab a little of theirs and grab a little of theirs, and now it's mine. Okay. Right? They print money every once in a while, but it's basically the same stuff. All I'm saying is you happen to agree with that particular cause, but I think it's

pretty nuts that someone was entrusted with other people's money and decided that this was something he would use it for without informing the people whose money it was. There's a lot of conversations that could stem from that one at dinner. Oh, right, because he was at that point managing other people's money. He appointed himself a Robin Hood. Yes. Yes, that wasn't his money. I don't know the details of this, but I think there were many, many packages of $5 billion.

Some of it was his personal money, I think. Probably some of it. And then some smart folks at the dinner last night said, yeah, but we know Trump. Trump would take the $5 billion and run anyway. Exactly. Totally. That's what we're talking about. I didn't say anything. And then do you think it is implied within that story that it would be $5 billion this

go-around? Because I think the numbers definitely increased, right? In 2016, it was still a shocker. Polling was not predicting that outcome, as we all remember. Correct. It would have been a bit of a hedge bet. At this point, the guy's not even debating anyone or showing up in the States. He's winning by like 80%. So now I'd have to imagine the numbers, I think, $20 billion, right?

No, there's no number anymore. He wants to get in office and destroy all his enemies. There's no price. First things first, though, pardon himself on multiple counts and stay out of jail. Was this strategic now that we're competitors? Because we try to keep this apolitical and then you came in and you put the most tasty morsel on the table

so that we would potentially alienate half of our audience. Did we start? Was this Machiavellian in design? And is this all about front wiping me because you may have lost that previous debate? Is that what all this twisted pathology is? Listen, most of my friends, well, that's not true. I was going to say most of my friends are Republican.

How could that be true? Tons of people because I play a lot of golf. Oh, that makes sense. Every once in a while we'll talk politics, but I don't give a shit about Republican versus Democrat. I really don't. Oh, let's put it this way. I don't know any MAGA Republicans. Those people I'd probably have a longer conversation with.

I would just be really curious about how clearly aggrieved they are. And I understand that there's a lot of people that feel left behind and I'm very sensitive to that. I know it's not all just, it's our team versus their team. It's a whole different thing. All humans. We'll start there. Where did you start and where do you think you're at now? Politically? Yeah, I'll go first. I started as a libertarian and then in 08, I was like, no, we need some massive oversight of the financial system. Then I was pretty darn progressive and liberal. And now I'm a stone cold centrist. Where do you think you started and where are you? I'm definitely left. How center left or left left I am, I don't know. It's probably issue

to issue. But just basically, I feel like my idea of what government could be, should be, is more in line with a Democrat point of view in that I feel like government is a tool to help for the greater good. And I feel like perhaps the more Republican ethos is that government can be a useful tool for business. Or national security. Well, but that's the other thing. How come the Democrats lost the military? Why are you all of a sudden, you know. Or national security. Well, but that's the other thing. How come the Democrats lost the military? Why are you all of a sudden, you know, if you're a Democrat, you hate the military and you can't wave a flag.

How did we lose that? Yeah, the Democrats did lose access to the American flag. Monica and I have talked about that. Since when? Yeah, so I just feel like there's a difference in strategy or opinion about government. This comes from a very non-educated brain here

about politics, but it just seems like that's kind of the big difference. You just perfectly segued me into one of my other questions. I was hellbent on getting out of you today. So you just did it. Capricorn. Really? Yeah. That was a big discovery this time. I don't know how I missed it on the previous two. Yeah. You just need to Google my birthday and then you'll see my astrological sign. That's the first thing one could find out. Most cursory look at you. It adds up. It makes so much sense.

That is coming up too. Okay. It's really funny. You're good at this. You're really hot and great at this. Yeah. Capricorn's a big thing on my list. Okay.

But prior to that, you just did it. You kind of mitigated what was a really astute and eloquent opinion on all of this by saying you're completely uneducated and you don't know. And I want to point out that your previous media company was called Dumb Dumb. And I was like, that's funny. I mean, it doesn't represent at all what he is. And then you start a show called Smartless. And I'm now obsessed with like, what is this distancing yourself from your clear and obvious intellect from my wife about that this morning well amanda and i are often in lockstep yeah at the same dinner last night we were talking about you know i wouldn't know about this this is just the regular

sunday gathering we were talking about directing and actors and all this stuff someone asked me a quote process question you know like how do see? And I tend to just start to throw up in my own mouth when I start talking about what is important to me and how I do things, because I certainly start yakking when I hear someone else do it. So I just say, ah, you know, I don't know. It's just, you know, when something's right, you know, when it's not right, you ask him to do it a little different way. And she said, you know what, honey, sort of just like throw it all away and you make it sound like you don't really care and you're no good. It's a, you're incredible. And I'm like, yeah, but honey,

I'd rather err on the side of humility and aw shucks than start walking people through how fucking bright I am. Okay, but I insist on delineating the difference between your process as an artist and your clear intellect. So one thing is quite pretentious or potentially pretentious. And that's what you and I are both bristling to. And I think we're both from pretty modest means where people like that, that flexed in a prestige way, got smacked down pretty handily. For me, it's linked to a real threat

that if you come off as lofty and above other people, you're fighting the biggest guy in your class really quickly. Yeah. You're just asking for, and they'll find you. They'll find a little hole, and then you'll kind of start stammering, and then you're done, and you've lost credibility, at least to dicks like me who are paying attention. I'm kind of waiting for those folks to not be able to pull it off in every interview. I mean, I'm not keeping score in Schadenfreude, but it is a distraction when somebody overly postures. None of us are that

smart we're all trying to figure it out and the smarter you get the less you discover you know great i get it but specifically you're smart minimally you're not smartless or a dumb dumb so you've gone really far to the extreme there's one thing to not parade around i forget who i had heard and this is alleged and probably rumored but i I think I heard Jeff Goldblum had a license plate that said 180 IQ. Have you ever heard this? Oh, really? So that's one approach, right? It's like a license plate with your IQ number on it. And my apologies to him because he's phenomenal. Yeah, but that's like self-hanging a target on your back. Yes, but again, there's a very wide spectrum between dumb, dumb and smartless and 180 IQ. Why are you marching so hard towards

something that's actually, I would argue is even a bigger offense, which is it's dishonest. Well, smartless and dumb dumb, I think are in a different category in that we're like saying, look, we're going to start from a base of whoever we're talking to. They know more about what we're asking them than we do. Otherwise, you wouldn't be asking them the question. So this is just the basic dynamic of an interview. As far as me being insincerely modest, I'm not. I thirst to know as much as possible. I didn't graduate high school.

I watch MSNBC 10 hours a day and read three papers a day and talk to smart folks like you or anybody else that's really interesting and has a point of view on stuff. Because I'm curious. Our business is studying people. Were you called stupid? No. Okay, never.

And I'm going to accept that. But I think we could go a layer deeper. So even the initial name of this podcast was the One Millionth Podcast. Which was humorous at the time because there was 250,000 podcasts. Now, ironically, there's eight. Wait, did that not clear? Why didn't you go with it?

You know you feel me, right? Yeah. And that is my low self-esteem and my fear of being ridiculed and made fun of that I'm going to beat you to the punch. I'm already self-conscious that there's already Mark Maron. There's already Chris Hardwick. You know, it's been done already when we enter the fray. And I am self-conscious that I'm late and I'm a poser. So I'm going to blast you with the joke right out of the gate, the one millionth podcast.

I'm grateful we thought better of it. I mean, I have to call it a big elephant in the room. Armchair expert means smartless. Right. They mean the exact same thing. You're some clown on a Barca lounger like you two are right now, popping off with your hot take about X, Y, and Z, and you're being self-effacing.

That's charming. It's warming. It's winning. It's embracing of your audience saying, listen, we're not going to say we know everything here. We're just going to kind of explore stuff together. Okay, listen. Great point, Monica.

I concede it's a great point. You're in the lead right now, Bateman. But I have to point out my definition of armchair expert, which is not a Monday morning quarterback. It is, in its original definition, they were scientists. They were professors, but they were doing no experiments. The original armchair experts were just lazy, smart people. Now that I can own. I'm not out actually gathering data. I'm getting like the fewest bits of information so I can form my own opinion and start broadcasting what I think. But you have legit credentials. I don't have it

in front of me. Oh no, don't make him say it. I'm asking, no, I forget. You are trying to sabotage us. You have a degree in something and another thing in something else. Like, I just, every time I hear it, I guess I immediately pour cement over it because it's so threatening to me. But it's awesome. What is it again? Tell me, where'd you graduate from? UCLA. UCLA.

Anthropology. Anthropology. Magnacum. I mean. Oh, no. But, Monica. Donropology. Anthropology. Magnacum. I mean. Oh, no. But, but. Monica. Okay.

Don't worry. And he's all tatted up and he drives like old domestic fucking muscle cars and he tries to keep it so real with his fucking Chuck Taylors. Have you seen his muscles lately? But this guy can get through a book. I know. Listen, no. Monica's summa cum laude.

Oh. I need you right now, okay? I can't be fighting about you. I'm sorry. But look at her. She looks washed. She's wearing a nice sweater and pants and shoes. I play the part.

You assume she knows what she's talking about. You look like a guy that if I hang out too long, you're going to ask me for a loan. For sure. Or say like, bro, if you want me to fill it, you're at the wrong comp. You got to move over one. You want that windshield wash. That hose ain't going to stretch. Yeah.

And I think that that's a really interesting combo. I think I understand it. And I'm admitting to you, I was going to do the millionth podcast because I'm embarrassed I'm late. What does that make smart list? Because we were just drafting off of you. Listen, and I think you and I have some of the stuff. And so, yes, the tattoos and the muscles, that's like Michigan playground,

constantly in fear of getting my ass kicked by a guy three years older than me and sending the loudest message to the world. You're going to have your hands full. Pick someone else. I'm not even saying I'm the toughest. I'm saying there's easier options. And it's just all baggage, but it won't stop. I know. I'm 49. What kind of baggage do you think you can at least laugh at yourself about? Where you're like, oh my God, we're still doing this at 54. You know, the thing, Monica, you asked me, was I ever called stupid? I wasn't called

stupid, but I was called stuck up by like kids in fifth, sixth grade, seventh grade, when that was the worst thing you could say to somebody. And I was really sensitive about coming back into school after being away on set for a few months. Every year, that was kind of my routine. And so I would get sort of ostracized by the cool kids. So I have tried to compensate for that by really working on being as kind as I possibly can. I fall well short often, but that made me, I hope, a better person. Maybe I would have been a little blind to being arrogant, cliche,

you know, in this permissive business as far as bad behavior goes. That's some helpful baggage, I think. And can I add some behind the scenes? I will say your comedic persona is a bit acerbic. And for people who've never spent time with you personally, you genuinely are the softest, stepping, kindest, most engaging.

You're asking a lot of questions. You're showing interest. Like I'm watching you navigate a whole week at Kimmel's place. But a real asshole too, right? Well, I don't see that. Here we go. Yeah, sure you do.

No, but you know, you and I can sit in the corner and fucking rip a party apart, you know, just mumbling to each other. You know, you'd play tag and there's a porch that's safety. Yeah. Or there's a source of oxygen. And you and I are occasionally popping into a corner.

Right. How damp was that hand? Did you shake Sean's hand? I got to carry a towel on me. It's a recharge though, isn't it? Yeah. And we both know we don't mean it. We're just doing bits.

We're playing the dick. Yes. Yes. Yes. Play the dick. That's a great bit of advice. That should have been your answer last night when someone asked your process. I was trying to figure out what a dick

would do. I run right at it. By the way, the other thing I was thinking about on the way over here is that Smartless is just another one of your children that you've gone without fathering. Because you've got children all over the country you don't even know about, right? So you gave spawn to this podcast.

You meant like physical children. Yeah, you fathered Smartless. That's very kind, Dax. You should take that. It's a thousand percent true. You were our first guest. Because of that, we kind of sarcastically said during COVID, because Will and Sean and I were staying in contact via Zoom, and you guys had just gotten that very deserving huge deal.

And we were like, fuck, let's go get some of that tax money and so we kind of jokingly you know and shockingly people listened and it lasted longer than covid but it is a thousand percent because of what you guys have built here and so just let me say it again thank you for that oh my god my pleasure and people are curious naturally all the time are you now upset that you have this kind of competitor that are your three friends? And I can say really genuinely, and Monica and I have a very similar answer, I think, which is when you entered, there were a couple million podcasts and there were many, many famous people giving it a go. Yeah, a lot of celebrity podcasts. Yeah. Obama and Springsteen have one. It wasn't a given because your combined appeal publicly was going to ensure that.

So you have a magic. I've been very happy for you, genuinely. And then I've been jealous about different elements of it. Tell me, because I will say, not sort of mutually kind of blowing each other, but... Should we get into a 69 position? Yeah. Remainder of this or this. But truly, and this is not being falsely modest,

I honestly think what you guys do is much more difficult. A, you're doing two-hour episodes, and you're doing multiple ones a week, which takes a lot of research, a lot of patience, a lot of work ethic. We're doing it one hour a week, and we talk for five minutes, and then we bring on a triple A-list guest, which not to take anything away from, say, any of the nighttime talk shows that have been on for years and years and years. I think a large portion of why they stay relevant is because they're constantly having a guest on that is at the peak of the zeitgeist, irrespective of who the host is. So it may sound falsely modest, but that is sort of our show. modesty, but that is sort of our show. You're having conversations for over two hours with scientists and artists that are not necessarily on the radar. And the appeal of that episode is

fully reliant on your ability to engage in that person, be the layman asking the questions that are going to be interesting to people that are not otherwise interested in that industry or occupation. That takes a lot of research. Well, listen, that's hugely flattering. And thank you for all those things. And you pretty much isolated exactly what my thing is. So the only bits of jealousy I've had is the cumulative relationships you guys have to getting guests. I'll scroll through your thing, and I'm like, fuck. It just happened this morning. I was like, I've got to catch up on who's been on lately.

I was like, Emma Stone. I'd fly to her. I'd cut off a pinky. I have no contact to her. I don't know how to get to her. And then you have Ruffalo. There's three of us. The chances are that one of the three of us know the person, have met the person, or might even be friends with the person, or this person has something they're promoting and they got to do one of our podcasts and either you guys are booked or someone

else. We get a lot of incoming as I'm sure you guys do as well now, as I'm sure. Right. You guys do too. But if there's been any, sorry, I'm getting emotional now. There's been any jealousy. That's my favorite kind of crying, by the way, is a dude that's just clearing you to keep it to him. And I didn't come here to and I didn't come to talk with you about that's a real actor yeah it's so good for the guys who don't know how to cry that's a great strategy just make it part of your character

or Bob Dursett from the Jinx, just as you're starting to get emotional, just start burping. Remember that at the end? Is it in the burping? I would love to see an actor pull that off in a movie. It's like, Becky. Ew!

You can fake burp, I can pretty easily. Can I hear it? Let me set the scenario. Hold on, I'm Doug, I'm your coworker and partner in a business, and you just found out I stole all the money. I'm Doug. I'm your coworker and partner in a business. You just found out I stole all the money. Hey, Doug.

I was looking through some of your paperwork. Yeah. And I... Excuse me. I noticed that you... That was so good. So that's easy. What's very difficult... Hold on.

Can we go a little deeper in the scene? Oh, no. There's two things an actor needs to be able to do if they want to call themselves great. Okay. It's being able to... Actually, there able to do if they want to call themselves great. Okay. It's being able to—actually, there's three things. Okay. Believably sneeze. Let's hear that.

Believably yawn. Uh-huh. And the double take. Oh, sure. The double take is very, very hard to do well. I noticed waking up hasn't made your list, and I was just watching a show last night, and someone had to wake up, and I I was like almost no one does it correctly and you have to wake up

more than you would think you do as an actor in scenes the big thing is having a director that gives you the time to wake up believably yes they want you to just sort of like blink a couple times

rub your eyes with your fists and up you go and see your phone perfectly and read the bad news and react right alright go back to the list it was sneezing

yawning and the double take so there's no auditory component to the double take or maybe you could add an auditory component butawning, and the double take. So there's no auditory component to the double take. Or maybe you could add an auditory component, but I would love to hear the sneeze. Yeah, there's a what the. A what the with an ellipsis. What in the?

What the? Wait, yeah, we need the sneeze. I want to hear the sneeze. I can't do it. Let's have a sneeze off. This could be fun because we've never got to act together, and now Monica will be the audience. And this will be kind of like a mano- mano showdown i would make the choice well here i'll show you so dax it's such a pleasure oh so i would make the choice to be one of those silent

sneezers because if you do the hoo ha ha we're gonna be able to tell that was a good choice that was really good and he already took it so now i'm painted it this is just like when you're listening to someone audition in a room and I just heard Bateman chose the internal sneeze. Oh my God. So I'm now painted into a corner and I'm doing this cold. I also did the same thing on the burp

if you remember, right? Yeah. All right. Hey Jay, what are you cooking in here? Smells like you are using a lot of... Okay. Thanks very much. We have your availabilities

and we will be in touch. Oh no, I didn't get it. Yeah. I think... Thanks very much. We have your availabilities, and we will be in touch. Oh, no. I didn't get it. Yeah. I think. Give me a second. Stab it. It was a little too big.

It was too bad. It was too bad. Still rolling? I'm on notes. The beginning was too. You were shocked by it. Okay. You're right.

Let's go again. Okay. Let's go again. Oh. You cooking breakfast? Yeah, sure am. Oh, my God. That looks great.

That does not look good. It's a little salt, little pepper. Is that a little pepper? Yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. What's that? Mm, you okay? You used pepper on there?

Yeah, you sneezed right in the pants. I'm trying to get a pepper joke and a sneeze. It's too much stuff. You got to front load the pepper and then sneeze. You got to establish the pepper to the listener. Okay, then let's do yawn, and I insist on going first this time, because you obviously, it's 1-0, Jason Bateman. Sorry. No wonder you're in air and I'm not. Okay, then let's do yawn and I insist on going first this time because you obviously it's one zero,

Jason Bateman. Sorry. No wonder you're an air and I'm not. Okay. All right, here we go. You ready?

Yeah. Warning. Oh my gosh. I didn't fucking. Yeah. See, here's, there's,

no, there's a, no, it's been a while since I acted. The real yawn starts as sort of like a regular yawn and then the real one goes extra deep in the second half. Fuck, okay, let's see it.

This is not going to be good because it's very hard. Well, hopefully it's worse than mine. See, right there you can tell I'm just spreading my mouth. You don't have it. There's a deeper reach in the real yawn that goes down. You didn't get there. You can make yourself yawn if you... If you see somebody yawn.

Monica, let's see one. Let's see one. You're an actor. Well, now I feel... Yeah, I know. It's very high pressure. Here we go. It's not great for radio, by the way.

Hey, Monty. How are you? No, I don't want to do an acting. I just want to see if I can make myself yawn. If you make the back of your throat like this... I can do a real yawn, actually. Yeah. I don't know why I didn't choose to do a real yawn.

Right. You could always go regular. No. I can't. It looks like you were stroking. That's how I look when I yawn. Now I'm in a debate with the director where it's like, you didn't blank. And I'm like, well, that is how I do it in real life.

Doubt it. See, this is where I start fighting with the actor. Can I talk to you for a second? Guys, let's take a tight five. Dex. Oh, my God. I forgot you were in Air. I already forgot that.

You did? I loved Air. Didn't he do a great job with that? Well, you know, they're my boyfriends. Yeah? Oh, yeah. Both of them. Both.

Yeah, they're my boyfriends. I know. I've taken numerous runs at forcing her to pick. Literally, it's like asking you to pick between your two daughters. I mean, I will pick Matt. You will pick Matt. God, you give it up on the whole. No, I've told you that in real life for marriage.

I feel so betrayed by this whole interview. You said my acting sucks. You just gave him the answer I've been trying to get for nine years. That's not true. Are you joining the cast of Smart List? Get a fourth body in there? Why do you feel Matt would be a better choice? Only for marriage.

That's the only thing I'm picking. We're playing marriage fuck kill. Yes. Who am I killing? That's right. Fuck Ben. Who's the third? You're going to fuck Ben.

Well, she's killing Dax. That's happened. No. We haven't picked a third player. Yeah, we need a third player. Dax Shepard. Yeah, kill. No, then no.

It's just whoever he throws a sacrificial lamb. I'm already married to him. Right. The third is a sacrificial lamb because we already know she's fucking Ben and marrying Matt. So it's like, who do you want her to kill? It's true. Trump, there you go. You're so political.

Would you see that in my eyes? I didn't say that. But how about how great a job he did with that film? Hold on. I think we could really challenge her right now. Ryan Gosling, Ben Matt. I'd love him, but I would kill Gosling. Okay, wasn't that hard?

They're just my number ones. How would you kill Ryan? With his roller skates? Sexual. Fuck him to death. Yeah, exactly. Sexually. That's a loophole.

Fuck him into extinction. Yeah, but that movie, I was proud of him for that, because making a movie that sort of suspenseful and compelling, and it's just about a business deal, one that we know how it ends. Jaws never shows up. We don't have Michael Jordan in the film. Well, until, the way he constructed that,

until the end and it's archival footage when Matt's landing the plane there with that big speech and it's so impactful where they flash forward and you're seeing this footage of him. So you're right, you get some archival, but we don't have the big man. Although, how could he have?

It's a period piece and he certainly doesn't look 28 anymore. Right. You could have hired an actor to play him. Too iconic. Yeah, exactly. Ben was just like, no, that'd bump you out of the movie. Yeah.

Yeah. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare. Sasha hated sand, the way it stuck to things for weeks. So when Maddie shared a surf trip on Expedia Trip Planner, he hesitated. Then he added a hotel with a cliffside pool to the plan. And they both spent the week in the water. You were made to follow your whims. We were made to help find a place on the beach with a pool and a waterfall and a soaking tub and, of course, a great shower.

Expedia. Made to travel. Okay, so I had a Ben question. I want to get into some interpersonal Hollywood stuff. Let's first tackle the Capricorn, because I think I've said this on here before. I have never been more attracted to a human being than I am you. So good right there. No, we don't need the yet or the but. You're a Capricorn too, aren't you?

Well, we do or it's over. You're a Capricorn as well. Yes. And that honestly answered the hugest mystery to me today. Or yesterday when I learned you were a Capricorn. Because we have a friend, Erica. Erica is beautiful. She's incredibly intelligent.

She's super competent, which is, I think, the most attractive thing a human being can be. We have anti-chemistry. When we try to hug at the door, it's clumsy and we both feel awkward and we acknowledge it. That's sexual tension.

Nope. I'm telling you, it is- That's your predator. Sex tension. It is not sex tension. You've observed it. You would agree. I would agree. The least amount of chemistry with Erica and having nothing to do with her metrics in all these categories of attractiveness and everything else. We have anti-chemistry. And if I go through my life, I have zero Capricorn friends. And I'm curious if you do. I do. They're the people I get along best with. Really?

Look at how well you and I vibe. We get each other right from the jump. We vibe so well, yet we're not best friends. And that's a great curiosity to me. I aired it last time and I keep making this awkward and putting you in this position. We don't need to be because we see each other and it's explosive and we've got a lot to catch up on. I like it. It's great. One of my oldest best friends. Leif Garrett? No, is born a day after me, Steve Whitting, January 15th. The 15th. Yeah. Okay. And we don't spend a lot of time together at all. We talk half a dozen times a year. Semi-annually?

Yeah. By the way, I'm like that with everybody. But if I need some real sit down, competent, let's get real, I need you, all of you right now yeah he's your capricorns that i go to wow and you put any we just evaluated our own scores and i'm gonna ask you so zero is it's hogwash 10 is you're making all life decisions based on your astrological chart where do you put yourself in there oh i'm about a three or four that. That's pretty good. And Monica was a- It's pretty common for Capricorns. Did you say you were a five going to 6.5? Yeah, well, we did a hundred. We did a scale of a hundred, so it was a little, but yeah, I think I said I was a 46,

but I'm going to get to 60. And she was a two like a year and a half ago. I think Capricorns will look at astrological forecasts or the daily fortune as a confirmation to what they already feel and already know that's you know as opposed to looking for some sort of thing they can defer to and like what's it going to be what's it oh thank god they said that i right size it for sure and skepticism is part of capricorn well i was gonna say monica i'm asking what i do think you and i have in common

and probably why we were immediately drawn to directing, is I'm incredibly decisive for all my faults. And sometimes that is a fault, but I'm never curious about what my opinion is ever. Are you? That's my sort of kryptonite as well, is I'm so buttoned up and prepared and responsible about opportunities of leadership that when it's time to make a decision, I've usually done the requisite work, and therefore I don't stumble into a decision. make a decision, I've usually done the requisite work and therefore I don't stumble into a decision. So if somebody has a different idea, it's got a real high bar to jump over such that I can seem like I'm not really that collaborative. Because you've really thought it through. Yeah. And also I'm a big believer in unless your idea is better, you're being disruptive because different is worth

exploring, but we might not have the time for that exercise. Let's also add, and this will sound arrogant, but it is the truth, which is a movie is in its best form a director's point of view and tone. And although a different suggestion might be better in that moment, it would violate what ultimately the goal is, which is some consistency in vision and tone. So you're kind of comparing apples and oranges sometimes with suggestions. I mean, look, you're sitting in a movie theater. The person to your left is going to want the ending to be different than the person on your right.

Neither one is right. Neither one is wrong. It's personal preference. And we can't shoot three different endings. So we're going to have to go with the person who just happens to be sitting in the director chair. And through any number of legitimate or illegitimate reasons,

they're in that chair, we got to go that way. And unless that decision is a wrong, a broken decision, let's do it. So the different thing is an interesting exercise, but you can't give it the time that you might want to

because the next person is going to have a different idea too. And it's like chocolate versus vanilla versus strawberry. They're all great, but we can't have them all. It's not called Neapolitan, this film. Unless it is. Right. Unless it is. But if those ideas are coming in as a better version of what I'm trying to go for. Of chocolate and you want chocolate. Right. Then it's like, oh, thank you. That's so helpful because the note is coming from them trying to recommend or suggest something that

might further what they think I'm trying to go for. That's really helpful. We have a great metaphor here now for directing because it really is. It's like, if your suggestion can make my chocolate dish chocolatier, let's party. But if you want it to be strawberry, I can't help you. Yeah. And it's not wrong. I mean, a strawberry would be a great way to go, but it's just not the way I'm driving. And you have no idea what my plans are for the scene that follows this that we're shooting in five weeks. Mine's going to make more sense then, but I don't have time to walk you through that. Right. Should we collab on a book called?

It's called Shut the- 31 Flavors of Directing with Pitchers of Ice Cream. I feel like Mamet's already done that. Also, can you imagine Christopher Nolan cruising through a bookstore and seeing our co-authored book on directing? The deep belly laugh he would have. Or Fincher saw this book that you and I had the audacity to put out. Man, those guys are good. But with our mutual hangups, we would title it like How Not to Direct to get us out of all the crap.

Right, exactly. How to be a shitty director. How to direct like an idiot. But how does that work on SmartList then? Do you guys ever have, we just had a creative difference. One of three in six years. They're very rare. Was it about a certain guest?

About whether we should have a certain guest? No, but we have had. We have those. I wouldn't call those creative differences though. Yeah, it was a small thing about how much to keep at the top of the episode. It was really small. There's a bunch of off mic stuff, which we have a lot of. And I like it.

It adds a little flavor. It's become a bit of a fingerprint to the show. And I like it. But in this certain case, I thought it had gone on way too long and I was saying if I were listening I would either skip the head or I just got impatient to hear the good audio so it wasn't even like what was being said that I was critical of and ultimately we did agree I think this is in the editing process about we had already released it oh and then we went in and shortened got it ultimately but it wasn't really a creative difference, but we thought it was a creative difference.

We wanted to be. And it got hot, huh? It didn't. We get hot, though. We get in fights. It actually demonstrated a lot of our growth because three years ago, we would have not talked to each other for two weeks. We would have continued to do the show. And pretended.

And we would have been good in the fact check, but there would have been zero communication. Personally. We would have left here and walked our separate ways. We did that a couple dozen times in the first three years. It was rough. But those were mainly like, they got personal. Or we- We were upset with each other personally.

Yeah, we felt personally attacked by the creative differences at the beginning. So you guys are three equals. I mean, to be fair, it's Dax's show and I'm co-hosting it. It's our show. It's our show, but we have different jobs here. And you guys don't. Does that ever get hard? It hasn't gotten hard yet because we're very, very aware of that.

We go through everything trying to avoid what could bring down the show, which is a fight. We would be okay about what you guys did. I used to sort of like kept things quiet, kept doing the show. But the three of us, we'd talk about it on air and it would probably go further. And the showman in us would probably exacerbate it because we'd probably think it would make a good episode to really get into it.

Yeah. So I think there's a part of us that know that if we get into a real fight, we could wreck something that we're really happy doing. I feel like if we do anything well, it's that people are in this room with us, in our friendship with us. They are also a friend with us. And so if it's vibey, then like, what do we got? So we're very, very fair. If one person cares more about something than the other two, it's very self-evident and we just go that way.

If you and Arnett ever had any dust-ups in your very long friendship? Oh, God, yeah. What's the arc of those things? Is there a period of silence? Yeah. Is there any yelling ever? Or is it like hurt feelings?

No, we're very soft with one another. We both know how sensitive we both are. And Sean, too. We're all real soft and chewy inside. Yeah.

I just know you and Arnett have been inseparable since Arrested. We love each other to death. We both know what's the big button or 12 that we have that we could press

that we don't. And if we ever get lazy and we do lean on one of those buttons, that's when we'll get mad at one another because we both know that we know each other's

soft spots. Yeah, exactly. If you hit that, it's like, buddy, that's fucking lazy. Yeah. It feels extra cruel because it's not like they stumbled into it unwittingly. Right.

Have you ever screamed at each other? No, I don't think so. The only relationship that I think can really weather something that emotional and that challenging is Amanda. Yeah. We live together. For 24, how long have you been married now? 20, yeah, something like that. Something crazy I read. I wrote it down.

I'm not an advocate for fighting, but I do feel that a certain level of real intense argument at times can be a bit of a compliment to the relationship because this is something I know we can bear. I can go a layer deeper with you about what it is I'm feeling upset about. I don't need to pad it. This is

efficient for us to be able to go this hard, this clear. We're in couples therapy every once in a while. And that's a dangerous place to be if you don't feel like the other person can handle the truth. We both work hard to make sure our relationship is strong enough and honest enough to be able to handle hearing the things that really matter to the other person. Otherwise, you can't make it. Do you two watch Couples Therapy? No. Do you watch this?

What's that? Where, station is it on? It's originally a show. It's on 13 at 8 p.m. Don't miss it. There's no other way to see it. Where is it on the Nile? It's a Showtime show.

Showtime, thank you. Is it a reality? It's a reality show about this wonderful therapist, Orna, and it's real couples. And I would say what's proprietary about it is there's multiple couples going at once, right? So it's not like you're stuck with any one person. Any episode may have three sets of couples, and then 10 episodes, you're tracking their entire 10 weeks of therapy. And they know they're being filmed? Oh, yeah.

It's incredible. It's one of the most fascinating shows we've ever seen we're obsessed and everyone we know that watches it completely obsessed sounds very uncomfortable it is but comforting to all the points you're just making because you're not as fucked up as them well yeah that would be the easiest way to say but in reality what you're forced to recognize is it is hard for two human beings to come together and cohabitate and compromise and try to live a shared life. It's fucking brutal. So if anything else, it just goes, oh yeah, man, give yourself a break. It's not easy. There is no relationship on planet earth where both people

want the same amount of sex. Like it doesn't start there. It doesn't exist. Every one of these couples, one of them wants more sex and the other one wants less. That's comforting. And also I just think it's a basic human instinct to not want, like, I don't want me with boobs. I don't need redundancy, a duplicate. Yeah, you're probably sick of yourself most of the time. Most of the time, yeah. So I want someone that is not opposite. I want some nice overlap, but somebody that presents a different outlook, a yin and a yang, another hand to clap. Yeah, as I say, I don't actually even need to fight about it or be convinced of it i need to observe someone in close proximity that's choosing a different approach and getting different results i guess that's a capricorn thing i don't want to be told

how to do it but how could i not observe that kristen's kind to everybody and every set i go to they're like oh that's my favorite person i've ever worked with and then she's always as we all have lulls and peaks and the lulls people are dying to give her another chance they're dying to bet on her again. And I'm like, oh, that's pretty interesting. Not that I was ever a dick, but just the ability to observe someone do something different and then see their results and consider incorporating that. I enjoy being with someone that's so opposite because we're almost inevitably going to choose the opposite ways to approach everything. Yeah, and I'm sure you can identify the myriad ways that she has made you a better person in the areas that are similar to her, right? In other words, you've absorbed

great qualities from her and made them part of your package. You're probably in one of the great positions to evaluate that because we met each other. Right at the start of it, right? Yeah. Same for me with Amanda. The things that she has counseled me on that I have pushed back probably at start, but then you, as you say, secretly watch her do exactly what she was telling me to maybe try to do and look at the results that she's getting and like, yeah, I can make that a part of me too. And eventually it becomes a sincere add to your tool belt. Yeah. As you guys are approaching, not to scare you, but I guess you have six more years with your youngest in the house?

Oh, yeah, yeah. And one year left with Franny. So Franny's what, 17 now? She's 17. She's going to be a senior starting in September. I don't know when this is going to air. I think we're going to December of 2024. Just a little Christmas gift?

Yeah. Try to talk about what's on your Christmas list. I got a year left with Franny and then Maple, she's 12. So we got six years left with her in the house. And with Lincoln and Delta, you've got plenty of time. It just started the clock for me. Like when Delta turned nine in December, I was like, fuck, we're halfway there. Yep.

I have two thoughts and I was curious if you were having them as well. One is complete heartbreak. I just don't understand. I'm not going to do well. I don't want them ever to not live in my house. I want to see them when I wake up every single morning for the rest of my life. And their family too. They can move in as well.

All the generations can live with me. But that's one aspect where it's just a kind of deep heartbreak and fear about that. The second one is opening myself up to what the fantasy of what is the final kind of section of my life. Which is you and Kristen. Yes. And also that includes probably some kind of retirement. It includes where do I live? And I'm curious, A, do you have a little bit of a panic about them being gone?

And then B, what are the fantasies you're crafting? So funny. I knew we were going to talk about this today. I swear to God. Capricorn. Capricorns. We know it all. I'm very, very aware that the girls are going to go to school when they're done with high school.

And it will be back to what Amanda and I had before we were pregnant. We're going to return back to just a twosome. But now we're two pretty different people. And our union is different now. How is that going to go? I think it's going to go very, very well, but where are we going to go? Your question? How much will you work? Where will you go? By the time Maple's out, so another six years, I will probably finally find a place to be

comfortable throttling back a little bit on work. I'm still, it's another piece of baggage that I carry. The 90s. Yeah, is not working, which is not dissimilar from most people in the business. There's a panic about where's the next job going to come from. But I will probably be content as far as a creative contribution to, I will be less famished. I'll need a smaller meal maybe every 18 months instead of every 12 months. So I'll work a little bit less. I'll bet you we won't live in Los Angeles. I think we'll go east. I was wondering about this. Where do you fantasize about? I fantasize about New York. The city? Yeah, but also outside the city now a little bit. There's something undeniable about the energy of New York City. I like who I am there. I like that I am much more curious. Just Joe Blow walking down the street, I assume he's doing something really important with his life. Joe Blow walking down the street, I assume he's doing something really important with his

life. Joe Blow walking down the street in LA, I don't give the same benefit of the doubt to, for whatever reason. And that's unfair. Probably his flip-flops. But there's multiple industries there in that city. Here, we're a real company town and chances are you're going to bump into somebody that does what we do. And there you might spark up a great conversation with somebody in art or finance or shipping, whatever the hell it is. So I do like that about that city. I also like seasons.

I literally love trees that lose their leaves. We don't have a lot of those out here. It's real cozy to me. It's a nice punctuator of time because it just starts flying by. And when every day is identical here, I feel like that aids in that. Yeah. I also just have a sense that when I'm in that region of the country, I feel more of the history of the United States, of which we don't have a ton of. There's literally not a structure in this country that was standing 400 years ago. I know we just interviewed Juno Temple and her

house was 700 years old. In town, there's buildings a thousand years old in England. Yeah. She would drive by Stonehenge. She sees it on her way to her boarding school. You can buy a pack of cigarettes in a building that's 600 years old. I like that there's the pedigree over there. That's what I think we'll be doing

then. I am excited about how Amanda and I are going to live the balance of our years as a twosome. What's the secret sauce to make that go well? Is it finding a closer union or is it honoring each other's space more? I'm sure it's a combination of the two, but we'll see. And do you have wanderlust bad?

My mom was a flight attendant for Pan Am for 30 some years when I was a kid. And so I was often dragged around the planet as a young kid before I was old enough to appreciate the cultural relevance and significance of it. So I was just inconvenienced. I was limited. I don't know, a bag, having to fly around in a suit. You had to put on a little suit. Yeah, because we're flying standby. So you got to wear a suit and tie. Oh, that is so cute. Oh my God.

Six-year-old Jason, the briefcase. Yeah. Where are my friends? I'm having a hall of homework around the place. So it's just like I don't like traveling still to this day. So no, no to that. However, I do like a fancy hotel. Yes, yes, yes. So if we can go someplace where it is a significant upgrade, anybody in any home, anywhere in the world, your home, you've spent

time curating it and the chair you like, the proximity of the table to the clicker, to the TV. How about just getting your coffee in the morning? I've made that as simple as possible for myself. That's what gives you safety and warmth. And to take yourself out of that nest and put yourself voluntarily in a foreign land, if it's not better than where you're leaving, the math doesn't work for me. This is a boo-hoo, no one will fucking feel bad, nor should they.

But of the many things that's been revealed to me about climbing the socioeconomic ladder that I didn't anticipate was, yeah, now I have a house I fucking love. And we did this. We went somewhere over the last spring break, rented a little I have a house I fucking love. And we did this. We went somewhere over the last spring break, rented a little house in a mountain town. And I was like, you know, this is way, way, way less pleasant than her house. And it used to be every time I left my house, it was something

exciting and different. And now I've kind of built myself a gilded cage, these little things. And I'm like, I didn't foresee this. Now, what I will say is that I'll bet you as the mortality tap on the shoulder becomes stronger and stronger, my curiosity about what else is going on around the world. I've got a limited amount of time to check that out. If I'm curious, that will start to get louder. And I probably will start to feel like, well, before I die, I should probably go check out this place, this place, and this place. Because that is getting louder in my head is that we're on the downhill now. We're closer to death than we are to birth. You don't see that China wall pretty soon here. Right. You're not going to do it at 80. Yeah. CNN International is interesting,

but you can only go so far on that. Okay. Speaking of 60 Minutes, I, for my whole life, have been watching it. And I've always been seeing these ads for Viking cruises. They've always looked so boring and stupid. And within the last five years, I've been like, let me get this straight. I sit in my room with a big glass door wall, and Europe goes by out the window? This seems like heaven. If you considered a Viking cruise, not a sponsor. Soon to be.

I'm not a big, I don't do well being trapped. Yeah, that's not for me. But I do like the idea of your hotel room stays constant, yet it's moving to different destinations, and then you can get in a little dinghy and go into port and then come back. Have a nice meal in fucking Verona, then you're over here and you do this. You know how else you can do that is on a train. You ever thought about the Orient Express?

I'll go with you. Should we do a tandem train? Sean and Scotty want to do it too. This train, I was looking at pictures online the other day. Is it elegant? It's so badass. Really? And you know, you've got this stately room and it's traveling through Europe.

Your rail mountains. You go two hours and you're in a totally different country, different culture, different language. You go two hours here, you're in San Diego or Palm Springs or Santa Barbara. Yes. Who cares? You want to know. So I'm just saying those short little trips is a whole different world and you're still in your own room. That is very appealing.

Okay. Now my follow-up question on the fantasies about where you're going to go is you've been in California for 42, 43 years. 76. So 48 years. 76. So 48 years. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I can't tell if I'm just getting older and, you know, the werewolf of conservatism is flaring up at me. I don't know. Yeah.

Or has this town gotten a lot different? I'm of the opinion it's gotten a lot different, and I kind of enjoy it less and less. And I'm just curious how you feel. I will say that it seems like the problems of this city are not too dissimilar from the problems of other cities and that every city has the same number of problems. They just changed. I feel like the fear of crime and gang kind of warfare was what we were dealing with in the nineties. We don't hear about that anymore. We have like the lowest death rate per 1000 of anywhere in the country. Yeah. We just had a little segment about it.

Probably the safest place you could possibly live. Right. So then that's cool. But our homeless situation doesn't have the same danger as gang warfare. But if you have just an ounce of empathy in your body, it's a very difficult thing to ignore. And you're driving by these people that are living the most tragic existence. And what can we do? And I'm not presented with any fixes. I don't know what I can do. I mean, I'm surely handing out a bill every time my car's parked next to one of them that has a sign out.

And Maple's very good about that. She's like, daddy, come on. And it's like, yeah, great here, but that ain't going to get it done. But every city has currently got that problem i feel for the most part los angeles is as great a place as any to live and you know that old saying wherever you go there you are i just read yesterday scrolling through the sunday news that there is a guy proposing legislation that would monitor all cars a device would have to be installed on every single car sold in California that would electronically speed limit the car to within 10 miles an hour of the speed limit. And I thought,

that is the exact direction California's going that I think is insane. What is this person doing? Who are they trying to, what is this righteous posturing? In Germany, they're going 210 miles an hour with no family in a fucking station wagon. They just trust that you're not going

to carry too much speed into that turn because you don't want to die. Yes. I don't know. I was just curious. But again, I don't know if it's just that I'm getting older and I more cherish what I was used to.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. There's my guys, Will and Sean. Oh my God. Did you pick up? Are you missing the Monday morning meeting? What are you having for breakfast? Yeah. It's our daily call. Okay. I have a couple more questions for you. We've got time. If we

started, we've started, right? We're about to start. We're just about to start. Wait, I have a quick question back on the, um, Leo rising. Oh God. I can see it. I can really see it. Okay. So we've been on a new conversation path recently about missing some of the old stuff. Like you're saying, we're so comfortable now. You have to go to the nicest hotel in order for it to be better than what you have. And I was home for Christmas and I went to TJ Maxx with my mom. I was so sad in there because I used to love TJ Maxx and I used to love finding the deal or finding the pan that was half off. The diamond

in the rough. Yeah. And now you feel that maybe you've lost that. You've become too fancy and you don't enjoy TJ Maxx anymore. Yeah. But it's sad. I miss it. Do you miss any of that? I mean, you gotta understand

he was making quite a bit of money when he was nine years old. That's tricky. You don't have many memories I don't think of. Only the suit. I am. I am.

He's gotta go all the way back to that six-year-old Pan Am flight to fucking Beijing. I think anybody who's possibly listening, there's tons of things in their life

that they have grown out of or their age has yielded a level of, it's a shitty term, but sophistication in certain lanes. And I think that that's just a natural form of growing older and curious about this is familiar to me. Show me something that's foreign. Yeah. Novelty. We crave it. Yeah. Okay. I was going to ask, what have you watched lately that made you supremely jealous as someone who produces and

directs? I thought Dream Scenario was a really, really well-made movie. Christopher Borgli, I think I said his last name correctly. This is the film with Nicolas Cage appearing in People's Dreams. Oh my God, I don't even know about it. It's so well done. It's one of those tough targets to hit like Spike Jonze and Charlie Kaufman did with Being John Malkovich. And he wrote it, directed it, edited it. He'd only done one film beforehand, but just a bunch of shorts. Ari Aster sort of discovered him

and kind of shepherded him. And it's really well done. Anatomy of a Fall, I thought, was fantastic in that there's not a lot of bells and whistles in it. It's just these fucking 20-page, two person scene, just having a long conversation. That's totally engaging. That's hard to do TV wise. I want TV the most, but cause we haven't seen you since then. What did you think of triangle of sadness? Oh, love that Ruben Oslund. Talk about long conversation scenes where I realized I had been starved for them. Yeah, and I think it is a result

of just a real keen eye as a director about knowing, no, this is going to be compelling as long as we just stay in the shot just a few more frames longer so that the audience is- Yeah, it's like, let's keep the camera on the person listening, not the one that's talking because it triggers the audience to start thinking,

wait, why are they keeping the camera here? Should I be clocking what this person is planning? There's another way to create tension through a subtler brand of taste. That's a really astute observation. There was so much of that. Two things are happening when I see that. One is as a director going like, this is brave. And then as an actor going, God, can you imagine learning that monologue and delivering it with your whole heart? And we don't even see you. So there's some part of the actor in me that's like, oh my God, they didn't even get to be on camera for this. The hard part with that stuff for me, I think, or the thing that I try to factor in is when you're doing work for a streaming

platform where your audience, you know, is not trapped in a dark room and they drove there. And so they're not going to leave and they don't have any other thing to look at. When you're dealing with somebody in an environment that's got their phone next to them, the fridge right there, can you take that same gamble that not only they're not going to be distracted by these other things, but that literally the format, the television is a smaller thing. So you have to factor that into the size of the close-up. It can't be as wide when you do the close-up. You got to almost have a choker because the size of the face literally is smaller to that viewer. If I'm asking them to really be engaged by the look

in that person's eyes, I'm asking you to try to read their mind because this actor is thinking, not performing. Just the format of it, I wonder, is it as safe a bet when you don't have an audience trapped in a big room? I still think that an audience can and will be engaged, and so I won't give up on that and still try to go for those uncomfortable moments. But the content has to be so good that you actually have to break them out of that other distraction. The actor needs to trust that by not throwing to the back row, that level of subtlety will make the audience lean in. And consequently, that frame does get bigger. You do get inside the screen, even though it might just be a television screen. It's counterintuitive. Stay tuned for more Armchair Expert, if you dare.

this is self-indulgent and totally off topic but saturday or sunday i wanted to post a video to ask listeners to start binging fargo season five because this week on the show is all fargo it's noah and it's john ham and juno awesome so I make a video of myself directly to the phone. Delta's across the table doing an art project. She doesn't even know what I'm doing, right? And I'm like, so I'm encouraging everyone to, to, it's so sincere, Jason. I'm like, to, and at this point I'm like, well, I got to scrap this video. And then I go, Delta, what's it called when you watch a show all at once? And then now she's thinking and i'm thinking and then you

hear binge from her and i'm like yes bitch anyways i ended up just posting that because i thought it was so funny delta bailed me out but when i watch it i was like i would never be brave enough to take that beat while acting but it was riveting right because it was it was real and it was honest and you were as an audience member you were like watching Dax's wheels turn in an authentic way. And it's entertainment to watch somebody genuinely think for the next line. I don't even think I could replicate that on camera when needed to. That level of length that it actually is versus what I thought even milking it would be as an actor was hilarious. It was also ironic because you just bragged last week that your word recall was so good right now. I was in a phase where it was like popping.

Like I could feel it for two weeks. Mine's getting real bad. Me too. It's zapped. I'm glad it's not just me. Yeah, I had just bragged about it. And then I really couldn't think of binge the most obvious word. And everyone's like, obviously, whoever's watching it.

I was like, why? Is he kidding? Why can't he remember binge? Fargo, I'm dying to get into. You haven't? Fargo, the film is the film I have seen most. Oh, really? Of all films ever made, which is really strange that I have not watched the show yet.

Oh, none of the seasons? None. And I'm dying to because I hear they're just incredible. Two things. One, I think you'll trust our opinion. Yeah, you must. You've learned it. Magnus.

Five is the best season of all. That's what I hear. What an accomplishment, right? For your fifth season. Which is saying a lot because the others apparently are stellar. And as you would recognize, it's a new show. Can you imagine launching five new series? That's what he did. They don't have anything to do with one another. So every year he has to launch an entirely new cast, a friend of handing over the directing of many of the episodes to somebody other than yourself? Because inevitably a director is going to execute a scene

different than how you've seen it in your head. It's impossible to hit the same target. How would you not assess a false negative on that just simply because it's different? I'll paraphrase the spirit that I kind of remember of his answer, which was that you just kind of have to defer and just get comfortable with a different version of it and just hope that you have a mutually agreed upon goalpost with. Certainly by season five, they have the advantage and benefit of knowing four seasons of the tone, which is crazy consistent. Minimally, he's demonstrated what they're going for. People like him, they're so surgical and precise with the things that are good versus great. Like the way in which somebody may lay out some exposition, just lay in pipe in a scene.

I know I do. I need people to just throw that away because again, I'm assuming that the audience members as cynical as I am, and they're looking for, oh, here's the person who's going to pound you with the stuff you need to know. Shouldn't they be making a sandwich during this or something?

And maybe that episode's director feels like, well, the executive producer really needs this pipe laid, so I'm going to have them say it directly just off camera, and we're going to do a push-in and stuff. If he's not on set to kind of say, no, don't do that, make sure they're making a sandwich, then he's got it in the editing room later. He's like, oh, fuck, now I've got to reshoot. So there are a million moments like that that he might not be there to catch. And how does he manage that and still keep the level of execution high?

Well, he did the first episode, maybe first and second of this season. It's so impressive. But what shows are you watching right now that you're like, this makes me want to work really bad? To really be honest, the show I have not missed an episode of is The Trump Show.

What one is that? The whole political situation. I watch MSNBC all day long. It's incredibly well constructed. The ascension of the plot complications like the pitch has

been constant and we're hitting a potential crescendo this season that the finale would be completely overwritten had it not been so well foreshadowed. We literally may have, like could you imagine writing

a season where the president's in prison? Exactly. Oh really? What kind of cartoon is that where the guy's executing orders? You're right, it makes the White Walkers arriving seem like nothing. Yeah. So I'm just really, really fascinated with that. How many hours of news will you put on in a day? Oh, at least five or six.

Wow. You just have it on in the background. Don't you find it so repetitive? Well, except I'm not watching like the TikTok of the news, what happened today. I'm watching opinion. Oh, okay. Which, yes, of course, obviously it's skewed left because it's MSNBC. However, they happen to be the side that's holding all the facts right now. But what's helpful for me is that they are articulating my confusion and

frustration in a way that allows me to have my valve released a little bit. You feel seen. Yeah. And it's just like, oh yeah. So they're putting it in a way that's like, oh good. Okay. To think of it in terms of this is a big narrative is hysterical. And what's unique about it is you can't flip channels and watch an alternative version of Game of Thrones, which would be so exciting to see how Showtime's doing Game of Thrones and TNT's doing Game of Thrones. So do you ever pop over to Fox News to just see? Okay, and can you enjoy that immensely? I can in just the shock and awe and the effort that they go to to avoid the facts that are right in front of them. It must be an exhausting effort to be like,

nah, that might get a little too close to the real right there, so let's talk about, and I feel bad for the folks that are not watching anything other than that. Well, of course they think the election was stolen. Of course they would storm the Capitol. We just interviewed Rob Reiner and he made this cool documentary that's coming out. And it's about the specific sector of the base that truly believes he's been appointed by God. And they makes a great case for how that's laid out. There's a certain biblical figure they think he is. And when I recognize that some people believe that, then, well, naturally it had to be stolen because God ordained it. So what happened? And then I go, oh, that's interesting. That gives

me a little explanation. So I think both sides are preposterously biased. That's what angers me the most is there's no Ted Koppel telling the fucking down the middle truth of anything. But of course, to your point of how are they juggling it, to read Tucker's real text about the exact same thing he just was on air saying the opposite thing about, it was kind of a window into what you're talking about, like how they're managing having a personal belief. That's one thing that's so diametrically opposed. And if you want to mold your opinion in a way that is distant from what the facts are, that's fine.

But that just should be labeled as opinion, which sort of unofficially any of the primetime stuff is on Fox or on MSNBC. These are opinion shows. But maybe for those that might not know that that's baked in, they might need the help of maybe a little bug in the right corner of the screen that just says, oh, on the shows that are not fact-based, but they're opinion-based, and that would go for both channels. And then the straight news reporting that's a little bit earlier in the day, then you can have the end, just like a ratings bug. But I actually think that's a little bit of a delusion on the left.

This is like them wanting, you know, Rogan's show to come with a disclaimer, which I thought was preposterous and not necessary. I think why this is also broken is that the left's under the opinion that if the right just accepted their facts, they would have the same opinion. I don't think they'd have the same opinion, but it would be nice if they just accepted facts. Okay, great. But most importantly, it wouldn't matter to anybody watching what logo is in the corner or whether it was opinion or fact. And this is at the core of the problem. They're having an emotional experience that is deeply felt and true. And you're going facts, facts, facts. But when you're in a fight with Amanda,

facts are completely irrelevant. She could have the moral high ground on the facts. It doesn't sway the emotion that's in your stomach and your heart. And so all of this is such emotional stuff. I think we're missing what's really relevant. We need to attack, why is someone scared? Yes, but I think you might be conflating two different things.

Because if a news network is declaring that an election was stolen and that that is the facts, and it was because these voting machines were taken over by such and such that is going to generate a reaction from people that believe the station they're watching is delivering facts so they're going to hear that as truth and then they're going to react to something and they stormed the castle okay great but let's pause there and say that it said opinion when they said the election was stolen. This is my opinion. My opinion is that these machines were hacked by Russia or whomever, the DNC. It would be the same outcome.

Well, if I heard that, I was like, wait, what? And then I saw in the corner, oh, it says opinion. I should find out the facts then. No. And you do a deeper research. Because it confirms your hunch, you look no further. It's confirmation bias. It would not hurt. It would not hurt. It couldn't hurt. And it would save Fox a whole lot of money.

Yeah, exactly. $800 million. Yeah, why did they settle? Because if they didn't, then they would have had to declare or release a bunch of paperwork. So the answer is you're watching very little narrative, it sounds like. I am watching every Dodger game. Yeah, I know. And every time I go, I get to see you and get harassed by you.

So I asked that to ask what it is you're doing next. It's a two-part question. The three of you on that show are all very, very busy. I think one thing that's easier probably for Monica and I is this is it. This is all I do. It's all I want to do. By choice. Yeah, a thousand percent.

And so we don't have any scheduling issues. This is what we do Monday through Friday, no matter what. It has to be really hard with three people who are working. Sean's doing a Broadway play. You're all busy. And then the guest is going to have a crazy schedule. We dealt with it a little bit when I was doing Ozark and a little bit when Sean was doing his play.

Will doing Lego. He's going to start doing a film in the fall. Sean's going to do a film this year as well. And I'm taking off to go do this thing. You have a beard right now. Is that why? Yeah, beard and long hair. Yeah, because I'm playing a loser. How am I doing? In what? Is it been announced? It's a limited

series for Netflix. Jude Law and I play brothers that own a restaurant kind of nightclub that there's a big chewed out in the first episode in it. A couple people die in ski mask and you're trying to figure out who they are. Are you directing or are you just acting? Yeah, I'm going to direct the first two and oversee the whole thing. Wait a minute.

So it's your next show after Ozark that's yours? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the name of it? It's called Black Rabbit. I'm so excited. That's a great premise. Jude Law is incredible. What a fucking pairing.

Do you care that this look you have designed for yourself you'll live with, obviously, for a long time? I leave Saturday for six weeks of prep, so I've got two more months of growth for this nonsense. Wow. All of this crap. Wow. I guess I didn't realize just how long the hair was until that hair. My God, your hair

is very robust. It's so enviable. I just had it thinned out, too, because it just got even uglier than it's supposed to be. And are you dying up there? Because why am I gray as hell? Everybody thinks I... There are some grays up here you can see. It's so chestnut.

I colored my hair once at 18 to play a Jersey Longshoreman. Okay. Or no, Philadelphia. It was called Philly Boy. You're my first thought when I think Philly Longshoreman. So I dyed it black. And then when it grew out,

it turned red because of the dye. Anyway, so that was the one time I've colored it. I'm blessed with thick hair and not being gray. So where does this show take place? In New York. It'll be in New York until October. Wow. Oh my God.

Both exciting and terrifying. I know. Okay, well, wait. Yeah. So you guys just do Zooms. Yeah. So we just do it via Zoom. And so we'll have to probably do it mostly on the weekends, which is that okay with the guest?

I don't know. Well, your show's enormous, so I'm sure it'll be enough to get people over the hurdle. We'll see. It's been so successful. I think you and I would both agree, ironically, and maybe I'm misinformed, but off the top of my head head this is the most successful thing you've ever done. Without question. The most lucrative, most successful, most high profile thing of 45 years.

Highest on all the rankings. Insane. So ironic. And not something we were really looking to do. Isn't that the great lesson? When you get what you want it's not what you want and when you do something

you didn't think you wanted to do it turns out to be the best thing in the world. It's that healthy level of indifference that you kind of learn in fifth grade when you ignore the girl you think is cute and then she starts paying attention to you. Yes! It's what's that everything you need to learn, you learn in fourth grade.

So, knowing that, how tempted are you to prioritize it? Obviously artistically, you need the other thing. Yeah. Will and Sean get mad at me sometimes when I say, yeah, but we have a day job. What do you mean your fucking day job? Like this is, this is, yeah. And they're right because it is very successful and people really like it, but I'm sure you guys would agree. Yes, you guys work very hard, but you guys have great people skills. It's not difficult for us to manage

a conversation for an hour. It's what I'd be doing if I weren't here. So it's very comfortable for me and I'm not getting the same kind of satisfaction of a good hard day of challenging myself that directing can bring me. Even acting is a very, very comfortable thing for me. And I felt like maybe I was not working as hard as I could, or maybe I was being lazy or wasting days by sitting in a trailer for 45 minutes every hour and just working 15 minutes of it. I wanted to challenge myself to do more, which for me is directing. So I will continue to want to do that a lot until maybe I kind of gas. Well, Bateski, did you have any more money? No. Well, unless we want to talk more about any Capricorn, any astrology. Do we get you to five on the scale?

You were a three when we started. No, because if I weren't married to Amanda, who's probably at a 12. What is she? What is she? What's her sign? Can I talk about how hot Amanda is? In hopes that she listens to this. Yeah, yeah.

Listen, if you're into that swap situation, you know. Yeah. I think it would work out for more than one reason. She's a Sagittarius. She's December 10th than one reason. She's a Sagittarius? She's December 10th. Wow. Right, is that Sagittarius? Pretty close to Cap.

Yeah. Close to Cap, but couldn't be more different. But Amanda is a bombshell. I want to give her a lot of shout-outs. Yeah. She's a hot piece of ass. Yeah. And she is the most engaging, high-energy, fun person to be around.

And I am so delighted when we get to see you guys. And I end up spending most of my time talking to her and not you. She asked me this morning, she said, what's your day today? And I said, well, I'm going to drop off Maple at school and then I'm going to do Dak's podcast and then I'm going to go to Wait, what? I go, yeah, yeah. She said, when did that happen? I go, oh, we were texting last week. Why didn't you tell, you know

I like his podcast more than yours. I swear to God. I did not know that, but I will be sure to tell him. So she'll be listening to this. So keep going. But I love her. She's one of the matriarchs of the Hot Moms Club. We are lucky enough to be around.

When we're at that fishing lodge, I look around at you, Kimmel, and me, and I'm like, what? This is nice. We're lucky, man. What kind of Svengali? I love that we treated ourselves to marrying partners, co-equals. We didn't marry, you know, girlfriends. We're not there with a 28-year-old.

I put in quotes. Yeah. But even same age, I knew that if I didn't want to get divorced, I need to marry somebody I consider a co-equal, a partner, a great friend. Yeah, not just some piece of ass that I need to be a little drunk to really enjoy. And I have no business seeing during the day, but that speaks to what we're talking about earlier. Well, you're going to argue with that person because they've got agency. They've got a fucking opinion and there needs to be room for that. And sometimes it might not be comfortable. Well, sorry, the other version you're going to get bored of and either leave cheat or, you know, it's just,

it doesn't work. Well, I had a fifth option on the table. And actually, it was the very last thing I want to talk to you about. Because you're now, if I'm 19 years off the snort, you're 21 years off the snort? I think so. You have snort and booze. Yeah. Thank you. I would be guessing, but I would imagine it's the same for me. It's like booze, I don't even think about it. But I found out there is a place called Cocaine Hotel. Have you ever heard of this? No. What's that? Yeah, buckle up. I was directing an actor in Chips and she was telling me that her and her boyfriend had gone to Cocaine Hotel. It's either in Bolivia or Colombia and it's a nice hotel. And Coke is just at the counters and in the rooms. It's Cocaine Hotel. So the restaurant's probably pretty quiet.

They don't need a good chef. This is probably the best fruit smoothies to reach. What a great. The toilet is enormous. So, okay. 21 years for you, 19 years for me. And yet a long weekend at Cocaine Hotel. It'll occasionally enter my mind as like, God, that would be a real nice weekend.

I'm getting gassy just thinking about it. Do you ever hear about something like Cocaine Hotel and just let yourself? To be honest, I never liked doing it without being drunk because otherwise you're jitzed immediately and you can't talk. So I'd need to break sobriety with two things to accommodate.

One, that would be a hassle. You're bogged down in how practical the plan is. I'm just asking, would you like three days at Cocaine Hotel? Do you miss it? I don't because I get all the sort of like, oh, let's figure out the world's problems conversations just fine without it nowadays. You've recalibrated homeostasis. I like the people I talk to. Yeah.

How's she got the fentanyl thing going on? That's like— Oh, not at Cocaine Hotel. Yes. Well, how do you know? I talk to it. Yeah. Plus you got the fentanyl thing going on. That's like. Not at cocaine hotel. Yes. Well, how do you know? I mean, I wouldn't be able to get that out of my head that just one line I could be dead. Now, the good news is that I guess the Narcan now you can get over the counter with a little nasal spray. You can also now there's tests to test your drugs for fentanyl.

Apparently these kids are walking around with these little test bottles in their purses. Thank God. That's the best option in my opinion. And also to have one of these little portable Narcan things in their purse, too, in case somebody at the party— Boy, the old days, we could just go get a sack of powder. Now you've got to carry around like 15 different anticoagulants in there. Is it worth it? Yeah.

This is how I know, and I'm probably going to get in trouble for saying this, this is how I know you're not the same level of addict as you. Why? Because that's not enough. The fentanyl fear. You just power through that. You're like, eh, maybe. Well, not at Cocaine Honda. My assumption is it's like the guys have just stomped on it with their feet,

with all the chemicals. You know, have you ever seen them in the jungle walking around in it? And then someone took like a fucking dustpan and then just walks it over your table. There's no fentanyl involved. They're making it in the backyard. There's no fentanyl involved. They're making it in the backyard. It's like farm to table Coke. You can sleep on it like all these fairy tales.

Like the Coke was so clean you could sleep on it. I'll bet like you with all of our bad behavior, we kind of did it, right? I know. Was there a part of you that like didn't get enough done that you still feel like? Here's what I know. I do know and accept this is why I haven't done it 19 years which is when i have quit sugar for like two years and then what i decide a snickers bar is gonna taste like and then i have it and i've been dreaming about it for three months and i have it i'm like oh god i made it so much more in my head i do accept and know that i would fucking rip a couple of big rails and i go oh, oh, I thought it was a little better.

Well, yeah, you're going to forget that it smells like fucking paint thinner. Yes. And it's like, oh, God, yeah. The thing that I do miss a little bit is cigarettes. And I smoke in this thing coming up. Oh, dangerous. Well, there was something that I had to smoke in after I quit. And, you know, movie cigarettes, they're terrible and there's no nicotine in them.

So you don't get addicted. But holding it in your finger, lighting it, the whole prop of it is kind of a fun routine. Yeah, the ritual, the pageantry. So I think I'm probably going to lean into that, but it's going to make my beard and mustache smell like those fake cigarettes. Like you blow torched a bowl of cherries or something. That brings us all the way back to the beginning of the interview. We talked about my kind of gross out factor, like smells and things around my muzzle. It made me think when you were bringing that up, have you hung with Billy Bob at all? No, never met him. Okay. So when I was doing The Judge, he is the ultimate germaphobe

and just gross-a-phobe, right? And he's like, I'm going to start thinking about them drapes in my hotel room. It's like an old hotel room, you know? Like, how much dust, how many generations of gunk is on these drapes? And you just picture him sitting on the edge of his bed staring at the drapes, and I feel like you could really relate to that. Oh, yeah. There's these big filters hanging off the wall. I mean, you don't need to go much further than just the carpet in a hotel room.

I mean, how often are they shampooing that? They're vacuuming it, but they're not shampooing it. Delousing, does that happen? My bare feet will never touch a hotel room. Well, I love you. And this was just a straight up favor to connect. I had missed you and I thought it had been too long since you were on.

So I appreciate you making time, especially when you're getting ready to go away for such a long time. You got to come back and see us. I would love that. That would be great. Anytime you guys need me, please call. You know, I'll and see us. I would love that. That would be great. Anytime you guys need me, please call. You know, I'll always be there.

I adore you. Capricorn to Capricorn. This felt like five minutes. I know. It's so fun. I have a request. I'd like you to send us a picture of you as the Pan Am boy. Pan Am boy.

And we will add it to our collection here. You know, I used to actually serve the meals on the plane too. Wow. Yeah. She just thought it would be cute. It would be cute. Yeah. And I'd just walk the trays down the aisle.

Here you go. Listen. My little tie, a little listen. There's a lot there, what you just said. Uh-huh. That tells you everything. Yeah. You were always her little performer.

She was always going to get a little attention with this little show pony. So true. It started at Big Am. Oh, my God. And then it really worked out for her. Self-fulfilling prophecy. We learned the entire story from just that. I love you.

Love you, you experts. Can't wait to watch your new show with you, Jude Law. I'll come back and promote it for it's on. Okay, lovely. Love you. Be well. Love you. Thanks, guys.

Stick around for the fact check. Because they're human They make lots of mistakes Okay You really stepped in it I sure did That's kind of my My M.O.

You still have so much to learn I do Yeah, I know I do From me About my peoples Well, we're about to find out A lot We're going on an exploration.

Okay. Well, we're not going to, we can't give too much away. Okay. We're going on a trip to India. We're going to India. Yeah. Which I think is, you're not as excited about it as me in terms of the full circle-ness of this. I know.

Is insane. The fact that you and I. I know. Are going to India. I know. Maybe I don't have that feeling because I'm obviously going back to India at some point. Like it doesn't feel, for you I could see. For me, it's like my education on Indian-ness has been you.

And I'm always trying to get you to wear a sari and all these things, right? I want you to be fully Indian. So your education is limited because you're still trying to get me to wear a sari. Yeah, and I can give up on that. Okay. But this beats you and a sari, is the fact that you and I are gonna be standing in India together.

Yeah, it's pretty crazy. It is insane. It's pretty wild. I've told a couple people I'm going there to return you. Don't do that. If word gets out, they might steal me in the night. I bet they will. But what timing for Indy to be our fastest growing region and then for you and I to go

in. I can't believe it. I'm just think it's the greatest. Yeah, it's cool. It's very cool. I mean, I guess the only, it's not even a great parallel, but like you went with me to Detroit and performed at Fox Theater with me. This is not even, oh, it's not even a great parallel, but like you went with me to Detroit and performed at Fox Theater with me. This is not even, oh, that's not even close to the same.

It's not, but in a way you got to. That is. And you're right. That's why I said it's a bad, it's a bad comment. You're not going home. I'm not even remotely going home. I know, I know. I'm not even going.

Why, why, why? Why did you say that? Well, I'm trying to figure. No, now I'm on an remotely going home. I know, I know. I'm not even going. Why, why, why? Why did you say that? Well, I'm trying to figure. No, now I'm on an inquiry on my own. I'm trying to figure out why I think there's connective tissue there. Well, obviously you feel we talk about it a lot. I feel like that place is a special place to you. I mean, it should be a special place to you.

That's where you're from. You're from there, Monica Padman. The Padmans are from Kerala. Yeah, my people are from there. But I'm not. I know you're not. Okay, because you said you're from there, Monica Padman. The Padmans are from Kerala. Yeah, my people are from there. Yeah. But I'm not. I know you're not. Okay, because you said you're from there.

Well, you... I'm just... There are landmines everywhere. I know. Which, by the way... I know. I hope I've earned some goodwill, though. I hope you're taking this in the spirit of it.

Like, if I was 100% German and I went back to Germany... But, yeah, but... I'm not 100% German. But you're not. And you don't know what it would be like. But you're 100% Indian. I'm 100%. You are. Well, I wouldn't have the baggage of it, clearly. If I was German,

it's not like I'd be hiding from being German. Well, maybe on certain time periods. Yeah, I guess I personally, again, privilege, I wouldn't be carrying around any baggage from being German. But I would be excited to stand there and think, German, but I would be excited to stand there and think, oh, do I feel some connection to this place? Like this is where my people evolve.

We went through layers of evolution in this land. I was designed to live here. Like in the most basic way, a human is designed to live in their environment and people that move around. So it's like thousands of years. If you're a hundred're going back you're talking about like the absorption of the neanderthals and they've been there for 10 000 years it's interesting it's like henry lewis gates when we had him on jock maymosh you know he was saying how clearly our connections are they're just they're just they're cultural they're just where you're born and what you're around. The only thing I'll say to that, and maybe I should have asked him this.

Now, when I was in Africa, granted, it could be all in my mind, but I was like, I just smelled the air. I was like, oh yeah, this is where we were made. We spent millions of years here as an evolving hominid. And I could feel it like, oh, we were designed to live right here. I could feel it.

I mean, I can't speak for him to know if he felt that. It didn't come up. So I don't think he felt that. We just don't know. When I do his show, I'll ask. Yeah, ask. I will. I think that's a very observational opinion.

Uh-huh. As opposed to being on the inside of it. I know you're talking about humans in general, but you're seeing— Yeah, I'm talking like as an anthro—like, I studied anthro in college for four years. All I—like, 93% of our history, more actually, is there. Yeah. It's kind of like if a giraffe lived in Alaska, it could live there, I guess, under the, whatever.

But if the giraffe went back to Africa, it'd be like, oh, right, I was designed to live here and eat off those trees. No, they don't. Not if the giraffe has lived in, no, the Arctic, whatever you said, Antarctica, for a long-ass time in their whole life, they're not going to go to Africa and think, oh, yeah. Oh, shit.

This is my place. That's not how it works. Okay. For me, it did. For me, I was just like, oh, yeah. I can feel that this was the place that we came to be. Okay. I can't fight with your feelings.

That's the problem with feelings. They're not facts. That's right. Speaking of anthropology degree. Yeah. It came up on this episode, Mr. Bateman. Jay Bateman. Yeah.

Wow, we both have man at the end of our last name, I'm just realizing. He's the B-man and I'm the P-man. That's right. Bait man and pad man. He tried to sabotage our show. What was your degree again? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he wants us to-man. That's right. Bait man and pad man. He tried to sabotage our show. What was your degree again? Because he wants us to go down. That's right.

Yeah, yeah. And I fell right into it. Yeah, you really did. Can't resist. That's my kryptonite. You sure can't. And he knows that. And I'm not gonna.

Well, okay. It's who I am. You're an evolving person. One of the most of anyone I've ever met. Oh, well, thank you so much. You're welcome. And I mean it. I mean that for real.

I think you, when you want to push yourself, you do. I mean, you could just say I am who I am. Sure. Do you think I should like put Anthro in the rearview mirror? Is that what you're suggesting? No, no, no. I'm just saying. I just think it was my original interest.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, of course. And all the things we do on here, the things that interest me the most, the things I'm still, it's changed, right? Like now I know a lot about brain chemistry. My interests are still derivatives of like, what is this animal on planet Earth and how does it work? Yeah. And why is it doing what it's doing? Yeah.

So the foundation still feels very anthro, all my interests. So I identify with it so much. Yeah, I get that. Yeah. It's tied with me saying I was punk rock as a kid, probably. Another trigger for you? Oh, my God. Shout out.

Shout out. Oh, great ding, ding, ding. Oh my gosh. Jennifer Love. Jennifer Love, who if you listened to the Heidi Klum episode, which I hope you did, because that is- Oh, it's the best. If you didn't listen to it, you fucking missed the boat. Did you listen? Yes. Isn't it so fun? I listened while it worked out and I was in the greatest mood. And I think I might listen to that episode 10 or 12 times this year wow it's so fun she is so fun it's very infectious like she's incredibly infectious and did you even hear like there's a moment I felt compelled to find out to dig and see if there was any yeah trauma or heartache

and I was like forget this let's just surrender to the joy that is Heidi Klum yes it was incredible anyway Jennifer loved her colleague her colleague who she brought up on the show who we facetimed with afterwards BTS we facetimed with her she was very very cool she's an arm cherry her and Heidi we're assuming her because let's be honest we got gifts from Heidi but which is so awesome a couple things too about Heidi. Not only was she so fucking fun, she also posted twice about it, which is just so nice. It is. Guests don't really do that, and I'm just very appreciative of that.

Then we get these fucking gifts. I know. You got some decadent pajamas. Yes, they're so beautiful. It's a silk pajama set. It's like a pink, rosy mocha color. You said pews. It's Berlin pe pink, rosy mocha color. Yeah. You said pews.

It's more like pews. Oh, that's an Easter egg. Oh, okay. Pews isn't, oh, that's not, okay. Yeah, we go down a rabbit hole in pews.

But then my gift was impossible. This is why we have to assume Jennifer was involved just because she's a fan of the show. Yes.

And there's two new Shelter t-shirts from the punk band I liked when I was a kid. Yes. And then a bunch of Gorilla Biscuits shirts and another punk band. And then a really cool book about Yuta today, like a year on tour with them. This was so thoughtful. It was so thoughtful. It was a punk rock kit for you. And Heidi admitted she didn't listen to the show. So it's not like she could know this. So we have to. Unless she did a lot of binging after she left. She was busy, because I don't know how many episodes ago since she would have found out about Shelter.

But regardless, I have to assume that Jennifer was in the mix. Yes, and thank you, Jennifer, and thank you, Heidi. Yes. So kind. We could have Heidi once a month. I know. Like, she could be another David Sedaris for us. Yeah, for sure. For sure. That would be fun, actually. Yes. I know. Like, she could be another David Sedaris for us. Yeah, for sure.

For sure. That would be fun, actually. Yes. I'd like to kind of see them together. That'd be an interesting pairing. Oh, my God. That'd be so fun. Those two?

One seven-foot-tall blonde supermodel and then David. So many people commented on the picture that she suggested we take in the chair, in my chair, all three of us together, how long her legs are. Seen? Yeah. I mean, they are really long. Obviously, she's a supermodel. But in that picture specifically, they look 20 feet long.

There's a little bit of an optical luge. Yes. And it does look really funny. A lot of people said, her legs are as long as your body. But they look great. Which was a, I know, was a diss to me. Well. Yeah, it was.

And that's fine. And me, I guess. No, because you didn't come up. Oh. In the ones, in these texts. Oh, okay. To me. Okay.

Well, people text you to say. Or like on DMs or whatever. Okay. Yeah. So that's interesting. So you don't read comments, but you read DMs. From friends. Oh, oh, oh. I don't talk to whatever. Okay. Yeah. So that's interesting. So you don't read comments, but you read DMs. From friends. Oh, oh, oh.

I don't talk to strangers. Okay. Because I don't read DMs. And I thought, oh, that's an interesting reversal. You read DMs from your friends, but just not strangers. From my friends, exactly. Okay. Now.

Bateman. Bateman. India. Anthropology. Well, real quick, what I wanted to say, we're currently, we're applying for our visas. Oh, uh-huh. Right. You need a visa. Yeah, we need a travel visa. There was a bunch of questions about our family history and travel. Going back to what you were saying about feeling connected, I don't feel all that connected day to day. For sure. But then today, when we got those questions, I had to ask my parents, what city?

Yeah, yeah. My mom sent the city and then she like corrected the spelling. And so then I looked it up to double check the spelling. And then there's this little picture of this place. Yeah. And I did think, oh my gosh, my mom was born. She's a baby there. She's a little baby there in this foreign land.

Yeah, well, similarly, I went to get all my weird shots yesterday. She's like, well, where all are you going? I was like, oh, I got to get out the itinerary and look. And then, of course, I have to spell one. There's no way I can pronounce one of the places we're going. And I felt relieved because she herself of Indian origin. She's actually from South Africa. But she's like, oh, what's that?

How do you spell it? What is that? And I go, let me look it up. And then even when I did, there was this like gorgeous temple that I know I've seen before in like archaeology things. Anthropology things? Anthropology, all roads lead back. And the soil was orange, like I'm hoping for. And I was like, we're going there? Oh my God. And sorry, just to add about that city.

The only thing that's like, I've always had an interest in going to India. The thing that scares me about India is I don't love the idea of too many people. That kind of gives me a little bit of claustrophobia. So that place we're going to that had this epic thing, only 1.2 million people. Okay. I mean, it's going to be crowded. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I also, you know, I'm just having this realization. Okay. Real time? Yeah. Okay. I think part of why I'm a little... I just thought of something you might be thinking. Hold your thought. Okay.

I think I might know what you're about to say. I think... It's going to be a... Okay. So I think part of what's happening is I'm anxious to go with you. Yep. A white person. Oh. And not you being famous. No, no, you. Yep. A white person. Oh. And not you being famous.

No, no, no. I didn't think that. Just a tall white, white so. No, you a white person, but you a white person who I feel a little, I come in and out of codependency with. Uh-huh. That for some reason,

I kind of feel like I need it to be good for you because it's mine. Okay. And then I'm angry because it's not mine. And I don't feel like it's fair that I then have to make it good for you. Right. Well, okay. Wow, I did it.

So I had an opposite thought. Oh, okay. Which it's not because you just told me what it is. I had an opposite thought. Oh, okay. Which it's not, because you just told me what it is. But all of a sudden I was like, oh, if I were her, I might be anticipating how annoyed I'll be with how much Dax likes it. And I'm supposed to like it a lot too.

No. And here will be the white boy, so euphoric with the place. No. And I'll be ho-hum. No, I think I'm nervous that you're not you're gonna your expectations are so high and like and i know i do know more truths about it surely and so i am worried we're gonna get there and you are gonna be let down agitate like they're gonna be hard things and in your head you're gonna be like god this place sucks okay and then i'm gonna feel responsible for that somehow and i think i'll have my feelings

hurt sure which is insane no it's not insane but it is insane no this is back to the thing you are connected let me um assuage your fears i'm not writing a check my ass can't cash i'm telling you right now i'm gonna fucking love it. I have zero. Can you just maybe stop saying, like stop saying that to yourself? No, I'm gonna be on fire there. Oh my God.

I'm gonna be on fire. I can feel it already. Oh my God, I'm so excited. So lucky. Who gets to go to India? It's such a rare thing to do. It is very lucky. It's so lucky.

But let's add to people. This is work related. That's the thing. That's a Easter egg. It is work related. It is. Yeah. Like we're not taking a random vacation to India. We're not. We're going for work. Yeah. Which is, which is really cool. It's very cool. Anywho, so I guess, oh yeah, but then I was filling out the stuff and I was seeing this little like place that my mom was born. And then I was thinking about my grandpa and it was very sweet. And then my dad called.

Are they excited for you that you're going? They are, yeah. But because one of the questions is, have you ever been to the country? Yep. And if so, when, what addresses? Oh, right. Like so intense.

I was so grateful I hadn't been yet. But that's how I felt. I was like, oh yeah, like Dax is just saying like no to just like all of these things. It's so easy. And I'm sending texts, having my parents check all this stuff that my dad called and he was like, I mean, this was 1992. Right.

And so he was like, I think we went here. No, you were five. Four or five, yeah. That's a big trip for a five-year-old. God bless him. I, I think we went here. No, you were five. Four or five, yeah. That's a big trip for a five-year-old. God bless him. Yeah, I had a really bad bladder infection. Yeah, full time. Yeah, really bad.

Ruin that trip for them. Yeah. He was telling me the cities that we had been. And when he was saying it, and, you know, he's saying it right. Yeah. Like, you know, he knows how to say everything. And I was proud of it. Good. Yeah. I was like, this is cool he's saying it right. Like, you know, he knows how to say everything. And I was proud of it. Good.

Yeah. I was like, this is cool. It's very cool. You do acknowledge that people evolve into an environment, right? That they have different biological markers and that you don't acknowledge that. Okay. I'm kidding. Yes.

Of course I do. But I also think, I think sometimes you are. Exaggerate? Well, I think you just really hyper evaluate those things or look at them extremely. Again, I'm so sorry. Because of your anthropology degree. But I'm sorry. Let me say.

But that is what we did. I know, I know. Is we looked at populations of people and we found out what they did differently genetically. I did theater and I'm not always looking at the way you walk and breaking it down and making, you know, deciding. Me a character. Yeah, making you a character. Because we used to have to do that, you know. Yeah. Yeah, but they're like, yeah.

I'm kidding. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Indian folks are different than Swedish folks, you know, in a lot. And also we're 99.9% the same. Oh I mean, yeah. Yeah. Indian folks are different than Swedish folks. And also we're 99.9% the same. Oh, yeah, yeah. This isn't to like reconfirm the racist theories or that it's relevant in any way. But, you know, people have different eyes because there were different environments they were in.

And people have different physicalities. And it's fascinating. It is very fascinating. different eyes because there were different environments they were in and people have different physicalities because it, and it's a, it's fascinating. It is very fascinating. Anyway, it's exciting for us. I'm so excited.

I'm so excited. And I'm going to have a great fucking time. I hope so. Well, I hope so. And I don't care. Well, I know there's a line between codependency and like civility and humanity.

Like I want you to have a great time. I will not let your bad time ruin my – I aim to not let your bad time ruin my good time. That would be codependent. Exactly. But I want very much for you to have the best trip of your whole life. Why don't you open your mind up to that? I think it's going to be a – I think it's going to be a profound trip. That's sort of how I – I have a lot of gratitude around it.

I think it's going to be and not personally, what we're doing there I think is so cool and so lucky. It's crazy. So I have a lot of gratitude and I think I'm going to come back feeling very moved. Let's just tell them we're opening

up a Scientology center. Next time. First one in New Delhi. And first Arby's. And first Arby's. We're bringing the rectangle sandwich to India. Yeah. So that's my expectation.

And then I hope you have a really great time. But if you don't I'm not going to cry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good, good, good. Well, I'm codependent enough that I would hide it from you. No, but now I'm going to be, and you can't. No, true, true, true.

You know me too well. Yeah, and then I'll be like, oh, now he's trying to hide it, but I know. No. I got to go home. This is going to be the funnest trip we've ever had by far. We're going to the other side of the planet. We're flying for like six days to get there. Oh, my gosh.

We saw the itinerary and we're like, what are you talking about? We leave on this day. We're there two and a half days later. It's crazy. I thought the flight was only 19 hours. Time travel. Time travel. Time zones.

International date lines will be crossed. Yeah. Yeah. I'm bummed we're not going to Kerala. Did you see that temp? 96. Bring it, baby. I want to get into some linen and fucking stroll.

I want to get that massage with the powder. That man tickles my penis. Okay. See, I even have it about that. Oh, wow. Don't, not you, but even that whole story. I'm protective of it. Right.

It's just a fun thing that happened. I know, I know, I know. It's just old for me. I know. It's old. Maybe it'll be healing. To me, it's an opportunity for some catharsis. I think maybe you're right.

But you have to decide. And maybe only if I go with this whitey. Yeah, you have to, though, decide. Yeah, like the shrooms. Like the shrooms. It really is. It's like, you're going on this trip. Yeah.

It could be profound and life-altering, or it could be dismissed. Well, I think it's going to be profound and life-altering, but I have to allow myself to make it personal, which right now I have not done. Right. Because there's scary stuff there. Yeah. Speaking of trips, I just got back from a trip. Aspen.

Aspen. Aspen. It was really fun. We went for Max's birthday. Uh-huh. So it was Callie, me, and Max. How old did Max turn? 40. 40. It was really fun. We went for Max's birthday. Uh-huh. So it was Callie, me, and Max. How old did Max turn? 40.

40. Yeah, big birthday. Big birthday. And it was so cute and charming and very accessible, doable. Were you, I haven't been there in, I've shown you pictures. I have a picture of me next to a Percheron horse, and its butt is taller than me. I think I've shown it to you. It's one of my favorite pictures.

Erin and I are standing next to this horse because we had to rent out this horse area for an off-road truck show. But we were staying in Aspen. And we were up on top of this enormous hill, and you had to take a gondola into town. Is that what your situation was? I was in town. I wonder what mountain you were on, maybe. Is there a gondola that goes all the way there? There's a couple of big mountains there that people ski.

And then, yeah, there's like from town, there's a gondola. I didn't ski. I just apres skied. Did anyone ski? Yeah, Max skis. He loves to ski. That's why. Okay.

And the snow was incredible, I bet. Yes. Because you guys kept getting delayed to go there. Okay. So that's the story I want to tell. Okay. Tell it. Going to Aspen, I guess, can get tricksy.

Sure. Callie and Max went the day before, which is the day I was supposed to go. Right. But then I pushed it today because me and you, we hosted an advertising dinner for Spotify. Oh, which we got to talk about that too. Oh my God, so much to talk about. It was really fun. Nancy Silverton cooked and she's a huge chef. It was preposterously fun. We got to see

Teddy Swims sing. Teddy Swims did a surprise performance. He was unbelievable. So good. Oh my God. He was so good. And then John, our friend John. Batiste. Yes. He performed. The most transcendent live performance of music I've ever seen in my life. I've never been laughing so hard and so giddy inside and so moved. It's really, I would not recommend this lightly. Make it a mission in your life to go see him play. I agree. It blew every. There really is no words

To describe it And he doesn't know What he's gonna do That's obvious Yes He lets the wind Pick him up And take him on a ride

And he takes you with him And the songs He's coming in and out of And it's Now it's Beethoven Now it's Bach Now it's ragtime version Of pure imagination

Now it's Louis Devon Diamonds in the back Sun rooftop Digging the scene tovin now it's bach now it's ragtime version of pure imagination now it's uh louis devon uh diamonds in the back sun rooftop digging the scene it's all and it's just like evolving in front of you and you get so giddy with anticipation of like where is this going yeah and everywhere it lands is perfect and i mean i said it when he was here, and it just keeps getting confirmed over and over again. We've never, ever met anyone with that level of genius. There's something about his brain that is so— Otherworldly.

But yet so connected to humanity. It's like two things are—the most opposing things are happening at once, where he's floating above us, yet he's in all of us. Yes, yes. Like in our bones. He's the only person I've ever met in my life that like, you remember Men in Black, the premise, which was so funny that many of the people, famous people are actually aliens. Oh, yeah. He's the only person I've ever met in real life that if at some point I found out he actually was from a different planet I would go I believe that 100%

me too but I think it's more like he's an angel oh that's a fun take yeah and I don't even believe in them but when I am in his presence I do yeah I really do and I believe in God and I believe in magic it's crazy

it is crazy but i agree with you if you ever have the opportunity you have to take it you gotta chase it down like that ended and i went home and looked up his tour dates and i was like i have the wherewithal to quit everything and follow him around for the rest of my life and just listen to him perform and it seems crazy that i wouldn't do that if I could. That's how amazing the experience was. Yeah, it was very special. Fucking A, what a guy.

But yeah, so I moved the ski trip so that we could do that. And I'm so glad I did because Callie and Max flew out to Aspen that day. They got 40 minutes with the baby, 40 minutes into the flight, and they turned it around. That's halfway there. They flew halfway there. Yes, and then flew it back home to L.A. That's a bummer of a trip home. You knew?

When they banked that plane, and the next 40 minutes has got to be like, holy shit. She said it was announced and then her and max just sat in silence and then max said did you hear and she said yep and they just stayed silent those moments are pretty funny i have a few of those in my life we're just like A few of those in my life are just like, now you're going to talk. Yeah. So then the next day it was like, oh, it's going to happen.

And then they were kicked to your flight, ironically, right? People were. They weren't. But ironically, the reason they got turned around was because weather in Aspen. Yeah. Then the next day, Sunday, when I was leaving, the weather in LA was insane. Floods, torrential, crazy. Monsoon. It was monsoon. Monica Monsoon.

Yeah. Oh. And then- We've already done that? I think. I love that. Monica Monsoon. Did I make it up? I think so. No. I think it's from something in my life. I thought it was from here.

Monica Monsoon. You'll definitely be introduced quickly. I thought I was from here. Monica Monsoon. You'll definitely be introduced quickly. I thought I was from here, but maybe not. Anyway, I'm on my past lives. Maybe it was from cheerleading. Yeah. And apparently Air Force One was also at LAX. And I don't know what the fuck that was about. I don't know why they would ever land Air Force One into LAX.

Well, that is where he flies into when he comes into LA. Well, no, because also he was, I was told, was supposed to fly into Van Nuys. But then... I could be wrong. I'm probably wrong. I think Air Force One's too big for Van Nuys. He's on a 747.

He's on like the biggest plane they make. So he can only land in a few places. But what happens is he lands at lax and what's so cool is that's air force one right his plane marine one is sitting there which is his helicopter and then the helicopter flies from lax and it lands at the veterans center at wilshire and san vicente so and then he gets in a car from there and drives where he's got to go. And then he's got the monster that's already there, that crazy bulletproof limo. So everything's all-

That is cool. It is. But yeah, flights were a mess. Every four seconds, there was an announcement about a flight getting canceled. Nothing's landing in San Francisco. We don't know when, blah, blah, blah. So it's crazy.

So my flight was at 9.50 in the morning. I left at 5.30. Oh my God, you had a full eight hours. You're bringing back PTSD from Boston for me. I know. Well, I thought of you because there's all these- Rich people. Rich people. All these rich people trying to get to Aspen. Oh, it's great. It was such a triangle of sadness moment of just these rich people who are all, everyone's nice.

And to be fair to them, I do think a lot of them are on the flight from the day before. Right, they're on day two of that. They are freaking out in their Louis Vuitton. Yes. And it's a scene and it starts at the airport. Like what people are wearing, what they have. It's really, it's really fascinating the only flight i ever take that's like that is jackson hole is a pretty funny i'm sure it's very similar

especially when you're flying out because the airport's really nice and everyone in there is like yeah they're not in fur coats but they should all be in fur coats some people were on ours and like already in hats and already in like and by the way i was blending in yep you were right there with them i got a new i got a new coat and i love it so much you posted a picture i did post a picture if anyone wants to see although i had a little bit of problems with the coat most people understood the coat yeah and respected it as they should yeah but twice people thought it was a robe well that's okay. I was in a store buying something, and the woman who worked there said,

did you have a good time at the spa? She really meant, she was being sincere, and I had gone to the spa that morning. Yeah, that's what's tricky. So I was like, yeah, and I got confused. I thought maybe she was at the spa and saw me there. This is Seinfeld. This is textbook Monica, classic. Curb your enthusiasm. It's pretty more curb. Yeah.

And I thought, huh, I guess she was at the spa and saw me and was hoping it went well. The hotel's connected to the store somehow. How's that? This looks like a local. I'm staying in a hotel, but okay. And maybe it's her birthday and she got a special massage that morning. Right. Who knows what happened.

And then she brought it up again when I was checking out. So what spa did you go to? Oh. And then I just answered. Okay. I told her what spa I went to that morning. She said, oh, that's nice. I said, yeah.

I didn't mention to her. So did you get confirmation she thought you were in a robe? No. I just know. That's just what you. I just know after really thinking upon it, that's the only explanation. Right. And then the next night I was leaving dinner and a girl walked by and she was with her boyfriend and she said, see, she's wearing her robe.

Oh. And I wanted to shout, not robe, row. What's great about that too is it went straight to like, you found out some past about them. Like, she had already argued that she should be allowed to go out in public in a robe. Yeah. Anyway, so it was very Triangle of Sadness, and it was fascinating. That's a fun world to— Observe. Yeah.

But also dabble in. Yeah. I can't pretend— To be above it. Exactly. I can't pretend. To be above it. Exactly. I can't judge with any real... Moral high ground? Exactly. I can't with any morality to it. It's just fun. It's fun. Okay. I could not find evidence of the Jeff Goldblum license plate 180 IQ.

IQ. The internet's coming up dry on that. That's pretty wild. Maybe you heard it anecdotally. No, I believe I was watching him on a late night talk show when I was younger, and they were talking about that he's a proud member of Mensa. But what would suck is I also could be confusing Jeff Goldblum with someone else who did it. Well, yeah.

And then I did try to look up just license plate 180 IQ. Because another guy who's obsessed with telling everyone he's in Mensa is James Wood. Well, Jeff Goldblum is a certified genius and a member of Mensa. Oh, he's a card carrying member. Yeah. But I couldn't find that. I'm going to stay quiet on the notion of— Mensa?

Yeah, it seems a little—like, you're going to go prove you're a genius? It's okay. I know, it's a little—I guess, look, I get it. If you weren't on the football team and stuff— Yeah, you better fucking be proud to be in Mensa. Yeah, it just seems weird to jump through some hoops to get labeled a genius. It's not that many hoops. It makes me feel sad.

It's not. It's like your teacher thinks you're a little bright, and then they make you go take the test. Well, no. I mean, Mensa has nothing to do with any academia. It's just like a club you test to get in to say you're a member, and then you pay some dues, I think. No.

It's a racket. No, no. It has no affiliation with any academia. Go ahead and look up Mensa. Mensa is the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world. It is a nonprofit organization open to people who score the 98th percentile or higher on a standardized supervised IQ or other approved intelligence test. Don't laugh at it.

It feels like it does feel jockish. It's not jockish. That's what a jock would say. Okay. Membership requirement, score above 98th percentile. American Mensa. Listen, I think it's weird to brag that you're hot. If you had a bumper sticker that said, like, I'm in the hot club, I think that would be a little weird.

And I'd feel a little bit bad. And you basically get a bumper sticker or license plate frame that says you're a member of Mensa, which is really just saying I'm a genius. I think that's. They might. Like, there's gatherings. They probably chat and talk. Just like. Can you imagine a gathering well

everyone's so proud of themselves for being a genius um you mean like the thing you went to the illuminati yeah that's the exact same fucking thing if not worse because that's like high status people do i disagree that the whole purpose of the thing is that so people that are in different silos can connect and enact change in the world this is like and pat themselves on the back for being an exclusive group of people come on this is very true i can see you're activated well i'm a little activated because if you weren't in it you would agree and i know that about you these are all that type of thing. This was a little worse because I don't think they're trying to solve any world problems. Well, that we don't know.

It's whatever you're personally prioritizing. How about this, though? Do we agree on the fact that it would be weird to send in a photo of yourself and get admitted to the 98th percentile hottest person? a photo of yourself and get admitted to the 98th percentile hottest person. Because this goes back to Adam Grant and me defending like, if you're trying to get approval and status for your looks or your intelligence, one's not better than the other. Both people are just born with that thing.

One's better if it's put to use. Right. But I don't think Mensa has solved any problems or written any bills or— Well, there's a foundation. Okay. I could be wrong. I'd probably get sued by all these geniuses. What could be worse than making enemies with a bunch of geniuses? Seriously.

They'll probably figure out how to destroy me quickly. Yeah. Well, we all took IQ tests as kids. They don't do that anymore, do they? Like, they did it as part of school. My kids haven't. So, yeah, I mean, the IQ test is pretty heavily challenged by a lot of academics as being. I wonder, I want to retake it just to see the types of questions.

I have no memory. I had to take a very extensive one to get in this school. I had a teacher recommend that I start going to the school Roper in Michigan. Was that like a pre-Mensah school? It was weirdly enough. And they were like off thethe-wall artsy weird. They had little igloos. You know, it was wild.

Oh, my God. Who would you have been if you went to that school? I know. I know. My dad was like, absolutely not. Oh, really? This is another thing he shit on, like the ballet. He was like, no, no, we're not doing ballet.

I'm glad you had your little thing. We're not doing it. Because it was too feminine to be smart. The ballet was too feminine. This was, he's not going to go and co-mingle with a bunch of other eggheads and only know how to deal with super smart people. He's got to live in the real world where he's going to live and he's going to have to make a living. And I don't agree with this elite trajectory where it's not real okay i like some of what that is i don't like that he called them eggheads maybe i added that but i'm the spirit of what he was saying i

think he would have intended to say egghead if he he probably says something worse than that i don't know there's there's not enough pejoratives for smart people? Yeah. Eggheads, that's all there is. Fucking nerds. Well, hold on, you added fucking. That's the bad part.

Okay. I had to make it bad. Or geek four eyes. Fucking elite athletes. Four eyes. No one says fucking elite athletes in a bad way.

That's the problem. He's a fucking elite athlete. Yeah. That sounds pretty good. Okay. So, let me talk to you about yawning. Okay. You can make yourself yawn.

I learned this in chorus. Oh, because we did an acting exercise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In chorus class in sixth grade, the chorus teacher, I think her name was Miss Malone. That's wrong. McGee. No, I don't remember. Yeah, that sounds cartoonish.

Uh-oh, careful. I've been bagging on names lately, and I hear about it in the comments. I'm so sorry. I said, don't call Mac Max. People thought I didn't like Max. And then you also said my name would be, if I were a girl, Cindy. No, who was the sexy one on Sex and the City? Samantha.

Samantha. Yeah, Sam. And I was like, no, I wouldn't be a Samantha. And a lot of Samanthas heard that, and they think I don't like the name Samantha. I like the name Samantha. Samantha. Yeah, Sam. And I was like, no, I wouldn't be a Samantha. And a lot of Samanthas heard that and they think I don't like the name Samantha. I like the name Samantha. It sounded crazy for me as my own identity to go by Samantha. Yeah. I stand by.

I think you would have been. I said, McKee sounds cartoonish. And then I'm going to get a comment from someone that's like, I'm Mike McKee. There's nothing cartoonish about this. I run an auto parts store. Okay. Well, I'm sorry for someone that's like, I'm Mike McGee. There's nothing cartoonish about this. I run an auto parts store. Okay. Well, I'm sorry. Yeah.

And I stand by that I think you'd be a great Samantha slash Sam. I'm in now. I love Sam. It's my favorite name. I think Lincoln would be a good Samantha slash Sam, which is why I conflate you guys a bit. Right. I'm flattered to be conflated with him. Yeah, you should be. So, fuck. What was Iattered to be conflated with yeah you should be so fuck

what was i about oh yeah yawning so if you make the back of your throat like right it's normally like this oh well you just i think you just yawn because you're tired it's a real one yeah if you curve the back of your throat yeah i don't know that i believe you can curve the back. Yeah. I don't know that there's anything. This is real. Mobile in there. Okay. Yes. The back, like your palate, your palate.

You think you can curve your palate? You think there's muscles attached in tendons to your palate? I'm going to call in some troops for this. Oh, Jesus. Uh-oh. I think she'll agree. Hello? I have a question. I think she'll agree. Hello? I have a question.

I need some corroboration. And I think you, I mean, you know how to sing, and I learned this in chorus. So I need you to tell me if I'm right. Wait, one second. Oh, Bunny. She sounded just like her. And she was, she's currently in a chorus. So she could, that would have been very confusing for her. And she's currently in a chorus. So that would have been very confusing for her.

Hello? Hi. I thought Delta was you. Yeah, she talked for a minute thinking she was talking to you. Oh, my gosh. Okay, I have a fact check question for you that I think you'll be able to answer. Say it more clearly to make you win a debate. Nope. I think you'll be able to answer. Say it more clearly to make you win a debate. Nope. I think you'll know the right answer for it. So in chorus in sixth grade, my chorus teacher said

you can make yourself yawn by like kind of curving the back of your mouth, like the palate. Is that, that's right, right? Yeah. Lifting your soft palate. Thank you! And it's like a singing thing, right? Yeah, you have to lift your soft palate to let the sound travel through your vocal cords and out of your throat in the most open way. I'm going to co-walk and have a little break. I can't

handle it. Okay, sorry. Delta was in the middle of taking an Enneagram test and it was just getting interrupted. It's okay. Well, that makes her a one-wing five. We know the answer now. Anyone that quits is automatically a one-wing five. Yes, you lift your soft palate when you yawn

as well, I believe, but it is a singing technique to lift your soft palate. It's the difference between pinching a note and having it be open. So, Love, you think there's muscles and tendons attached to your palate and that it's movable? Your soft palate? Yeah.

In the back? Yeah. You can lift it up and put it down. Not your hard palate. Obviously, that's like bone. I was thinking of the hard palate, I think. All right. I'm really glad that you weighed in and I knew you would know.

I don't know what I'm weighing in on or what I know, but glad to be an help. Thank you. Love you. Bye. Bye. So I was right. Good job. Okay. Now, who do Capricorns vibe with? Today, not Virgos. Uh-oh. Is this Delta?

Delti, come in. Oh, she can't open the door. Tell her to move far back. Move really far back. I've got to, like, kick the door open, okay? It's stuck, so move really far back from the door, okay? Or get on the stairs. Okay.

Holy shit. Oh, my God. Isn't that fucking crazy? Oh, my God. Because it's fucking crazy? Oh my god. Because it's waterlogged from all the rain. Hi, Angel. Um, you done, Zub? Yes.

Yeah, why? You want to play Catan? No, cruising. Remember? You're going to go cruise? We have a date to cruise. Well, listen, I'll be done in a minute, and I'll come down and we'll cruise. Alright? Hello? Get your cans on. Well, listen, I'll be done in a minute, and I'll come down and we'll cruise. All right?

Hello? Get your cans on. Oh, I had got really sad because I had my first problem that I couldn't solve. It was like, there's 196 apples. 75 of them are not in baskets. The other that are in baskets are divided into six baskets. How many are in each basket? It was really hard. I like that one.

Harder than it seems. Yeah, yeah. And I still have to do it. Are those the actual numbers? No. Oh. Interesting. I wanted to try it.

But I think I told you, right? Monica and I were on a guy, AJ's podcast, who does puzzles. And I gave him two of the riddles you gave me. And he couldn't solve either of them. And he's a professional puzzle solver. Congrats to TJ. She makes it. Yeah.

TJ's really good. Okay. Let me do one thing. What's Delta's sign? I don't know. What's December 19th? Do you know your sign? Oh, I just learned this with Dahlia.

Aquarius? No. Sagittarius. Yes, yes. Sagittarius. Sagittarius. You're a Sagittarius? Yeah.

What does that mean? You have bunny teeth? All Sagittarius have bunny teeth? I got to find another Sagittarius. Well, it's Bateman's wife is a Sagittarius. Okay. Oh, she doesn't have rabbit teeth. Amanda may have had rabbit teeth as a child.

You never know. It's true. You never know. Braces ruin everything. Yeah. Okay. She's a Sagittarius and Bateman's a Capricorn and Daddy's a Capricorn. So this all ties in.

Oh, wow. This is a big ding, ding, ding. So we're the same configuration as Bateman and Amanda. Yes. And the traits of a Sagittarius are adventurous, optimistic, independent, curious.

Do you think those describe you? Yeah. Yeah. I do too. So do I. Those are pretty accurate. I think that's good. I didn't hear bunny teeth. I had a good day today. You did? pretty accurate. I think that's good. I didn't hear bunny teeth, but. I had a good day today. You did? A bad day, actually.

Oh, a good bad day? I just, I got a new Valentine. His name's. Well, you can't say the name. Why? You got to keep everyone anonymous that you go to school with, because we don't know if His name's Person. Okay, great.

So Person. And then another person and a person. We're saying that that person was. Person A. They were making drama with the people. Okay. And then one of the persons was confirming everything was true. Okay. So it was a big tussle between persons. Okay.

And yeah, it was. Wait, so you have a new Valentine. Tell me more. He's one of my best person friends. Is this Valentine mean? Are you going to give him a Valentine card? Card, yeah, yeah. How about a Valentine's foot massage?

No. No, okay. Last Valentine's Day, I gave everyone little Spider-Man gummy rings. Do you know that Valentine's Day is the six-year anniversary of the podcast? It's our anniversary. Oh, happy anniversary. Thank you. You are only three years old.

Okay, so on CoStar, what's inside their head? Now we're going to add Delta to the mix. Okay. What's inside their head? This we're going to add Delta to the mix. Okay. What's inside their head? This is astrology? Yeah. Okay. For me, a list of all their hyper-specific preferences for everything from bed sheet thread count to bath water temperature.

That's what a Sagittarius is? No, that's me. That you're super specific about your environment? Yeah, I don't know. For sure. Oh, really? Absolutely. Really?

Yeah. For sure. Oh, Delta. Yeah. Really? Yeah. For sure. Yeah, yeah. Oh, guilty. Yeah, two to one. No. Two to one. You won the last go around about the palette, but this is for sure.

You think so? Really? Yeah. That's cheap. Thread count. When you get into a hotel, there's a real evaluation. Yeah, like when you're talking about products with mom. That's true. You're right. Yes, yes. You're very talking about products with mom. That's true.

Yes, yes. You're very specific about what you want. You're right. Okay, what's inside their head for daddy, every mistake they've ever made playing on loop? Who's this? You. This is for me. Yeah, Capra.

I'm doing all of this. Oh, a thousand percent. Yeah, that's totally true. This is like Lincoln and I's favorite game, right? As I tell stories of times I've embarrassed myself. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, mommy, cancer.

What's inside their head? A bed and some snacks because they live up there 24-7. Oh, that's pretty good. That's pretty good for mom. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, and then you, Delty. What's inside their head?

Sagittarius. A vivid daydream about a fake interaction with their crush. Does it ring true? I don't want to answer for you but that sounds pretty spot on forget the crush part because that's like for older people but um you are a vivid daydreamer I daydream all the time right I'm in class just daydreaming up in the sky last night I was in the sauna and then Delta got in the hot tub first by herself. So she was there probably for 10 minutes. And when I joined her, she said, oh, man, I just wrote this whole story about this girl.

I met this girl, and she was in the wild, and she was in a hot spring. And then she found this mouse, and she wanted to thank nature for the hot spring by taking care of the mouse. And then she accidentally dropped the mouse when she was running, and the snake almost bit the mouse. But the mouse got a cut, so she put first aid on it, and she kept the mouse. Yeah, nursed it back to health. Oh, I like that. Yeah.

Oh, wait. Compatible signs for Capricorn, real quick, are Capricorn, of course. I wouldn't have thought that. That was my premise. Oh, right. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Generally, the most compatible signs for Capricorn friendships and romantic relationships are fellow Earth signs, Capricorn, Virgo, me, Taurus.

As they speak the same emotional language and water signs for their emotional connection, Cancer, Kristen, Pisces, Scorpio. Didn't you just list all of the signs? No? There's what, three left out? There's some left out. Okay. All I heard was a bunch of different scientific words jumbled into a sentence. I'm glad you said they were scientific.

They're not scientific, but they do sound. They are supposed to give the illusion of scientifically founded. They're pretty scientifically. They're illusioned. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so the proposed bill would require new cars starting with the 2027 model year that are built or sold in California to have an intelligent speed limiter system that electronically prevents the driver from speeding more than 10 miles per hour over the speed limit. This is by State Senator Scott Weiner and would exempt emergency vehicles. But it's just being –

Scott, lay off. It's one person saying it though. I hope Scott is one day on a 55 mile an hour road with this car and there is a truck behind them that has lost their brakes and there's a semi coming at him and he can't fucking be safe. Don't wish that on people. Well, I just hope he has that panic of going like, well, that was pretty short sighted. I guess I should have been trusted to. I know you're upset by this, but it's not going to happen.

So there's no reason to get your. How do we know? It is proposed. It hasn't been voted on yet. To Scott. Yeah. Thank you. Scott's trying to make it so I can never drive more than 10 miles an hour over the speed limit.

Exactly. Thank you. How dare you, Scott. I know. It's not going to happen. Don't worry. Okay. Well, that's enough. Yeah, that was great. It's not going to happen. Don't worry. Okay. Well, that's enough.

Yeah, that was great. That was a lot of fun. Yeah. All right. Shall we cruise? Yeah. I love it when we're cruising together. Cruising is the best.

And we better go quickly. And we like the same music, you and I. That's so helpful. Yeah. Our current favorite song is by Jungle. Dominoes. dominoes delta requests a song every time we get in the car for go to school in the morning and i thank her for it and maybe we'll go out with a song great come on let's go let's go.

Hmm. What a jam, huh? The best. We got to get in the car, put the seat heaters on, and let this rip. Jungle's the best.